The Mystery of Mamo

Detective Ed Scott:
[opening narration] The Coroner’s Report came through on the Telex from Transylvania. They had done an autopsy and claimed that there is no doubt whatsoever that the executed man was… the real Lupin III. But… I was one detective who refused to believe it. I had to see for myself.

Detective Ed Scott:
[laughs as he lifts the casket lid] Lupin! Trying to live forever, by doing the same thing as Count Dracula! You've gone too far this time; there are limits to everything! Ah! [stakes the corpse, which promptly explodes. As he recognizes a very alive Lupin, he screams]

Lupin:
Mr. Ed Scott, the same old menacing detective!

Detective Ed Scott:
Lupin! Lupin! Don't you know you're supposed to be dead?!

Lupin:
So it seems, and that's what's been troubling me.

Detective Ed Scott:
This man is definitely the real Lupin III! I'm positive of it!

Lupin:
You make it sound simple. So, what's going to happen to me now?

Detective Ed Scott:
I want to be sure you're dead! [swings a piece of wood at Lupin, who dodges, commencing a chase. By the time Detective Scott catches up, Lupin has already reached his escape vehicle]

Lupin:
Old Man! You'll have to tell me all your troubles some other time! [takes off, chuckling] Take care, now!

Detective Ed Scott:
That bum! That rat! He's the real one, all right! So he's still alive, really and truly alive! [laughs] I won't die until I get him! I'll never give up! I'll follow you down to Hell, and I'll engrave my name on all your stupid bones!

Lupin:
You think I touched it?

Dan Dunn:
Not good. Let's hurry.

Lupin:
How can you hurry through all this? [Turns on visor, showing laser lines in the way.] 80 centimeter width.

Dan Dunn:
OK. [Gives Lupin a 80 centimeter bar.] Lupin.

Lupin:
Huh?

Dan Dunn:
What about that execution?

Lupin:
Well you see, the one who they executed...was probably the real me.

Dan Dunn:
I don't like to hear weird stories like that.

Lupin:
Neither do I. This whole thing begins to make me think I'm not real! Anyway, I'll fix that.

Detective Ed Scott:
First Unit takes the south level! The Second and Third Guard Units will take the north passage!

Egyptian Police Chief:
Detective Scott, on what authority are you giving or...?

Detective Ed Scott:
[shoving his megaphone into the Egyptian police chief's face] You'd better have faith in my sixth sense! [climbs on top of the nearest vehicle] I know Lupin's in there! Forward! Charge!

Detective Ed Scott:
Accept your fate, Lupin! You'll never escape from this level! Close off all exits! What are you doing standing here? Ah! Lupin is right down here! Switch on the lights!

[as the lights turn on, Detective Scott is surprised to see the Egyptian police officers stationed there aiming guns]

Egyptian Police Chief:
Well, I see your sixth sense really did work.

Detective Ed Scott:
And what does this mean?

Egyptian Police Chief:
[taken aback] What's that?

Detective Ed Scott:
Unless I give them the order, no one is to do any shooting!

Egyptian Police Chief:
Enough is enough!

[the Egyptian police chief and Detective Scott start wrestling]

Egyptian Police Chief:
Interfering with the affairs of my country...!

Detective Ed Scott:
[unintelligible]

[Lupin and Dan Dunn approach on a motorcycle as the fight continues]

Egyptian Police Officer:
It's Lupin!

[Lupin's motorcycle knocks down some of the officers, to the surprise of Detective Scott and the Egyptian police chief, and goes up a ramp]

Egyptian Police Chief:
There goes Lupin! Fire! FIRE!

Detective Ed Scott:
[shoves the Egyptian police chief aside with a triumphant laugh] You're trapped, Lupin! That's the only passage leading up!

Detective Ed Scott:
Trying to be tricky, huh? [the chase begins as Lupin takes off on his motorcycle with Detective Scott giving chase by foot]

Lupin:
Old Man, strenuous exercise is bad for your health!

[Detective Scott continues running after Lupin until he falls into a sand trap in his path]

Lupin:
Take good care of yourself!

[Lupin, hidden behind a pillar, presents a rose for Margo]

Margo:
[gasps] Lupin? It’s Lupin!

Lupin:
[melodramatic] You’re so beautiful, Margo!

Margo:
[chuckling] Stop joking now, Lupin.

Lupin:
[walks out to her, wearing a formal dress suit] You think I’m joking? The soft breeze of Paris must have melted my callous heart. [smells the rose] I thought I made myself extremely conspicuous tonight.

Margo:
[chuckling] I can see that. You look very nice.

Lupin:
O, the fragrant flower! You are like a rose.

Margo:
How old-fashioned!

Lupin:
Even the pain of thy thorns gives great pleasure… to the love in my heart. O Margo!

Margo:
Enough of that stupid act. Let’s get down to business now.

Lupin:
Can she be so hard?! [throws the rose away] You really do have a lot of thorns, don’t you?

Margo:
I am in a hurry. Or perhaps, Lupin, you mean…

Lupin:
Don’t be hasty. Look here…

[Margo’s eyes widen as Lupin presents her the Wiseman Stone]

Margo:
Ah, Lupin, you did it!

[Lupin yanks the Stone away from Margo]

Lupin:
Hold it! Ah-ah-ah! How can you go all enthusiastic so suddenly? Ah, life is a bore. How worthless and stupid it all is! Talking Dan Dunn into helping me, and going through all kinds of trouble to get it, and look at your attitude! Or maybe, Margo, you made some kind of a deal with somebody else for this? Well, the deal was not to ask you questions, but now you must keep your part of the deal and keep your date with me.

[Lupin had just gotten out of the bathtub after his encounter with Margo goes supposedly awry]

Lupin:
She sure floored me that time! I'm still a little dizzy...

Dan Dunn:
Serves you right for being a playboy. If we had nabbed her from the beginning, we wouldn't be here!

Samurai:
Lupin, women and business are not compatible.

Lupin:
Stop trying to find fault with me! It was all calculated from the start! [puts on the headphones Dan Dunn had given him as Dunn searches for the signal planted on the Wiseman Stone]

Dan Dunn:
Huh. What a fantastic brain.

Samurai:
Once again, I've cut a worthless object.

[Lupin and his gang have returned to their hideout to find it destroyed]

Dan Dunn:
The weapons and food are all gone.

Lupin:
Thanks a lot; I can see that.

Dan Dunn:
[kicking debris, grunting angrily] Lupin! Forget that woman. This is it. I’ve had enough; I’ve reached my limit! And it must have been Margo who told them about this place of ours! If you don’t drop her, I’m getting out of this deal right now!

Lupin:
Oh, stop joking.

Samurai:
Joking? I thought you were the one who was joking! It was a mistake to take this job from a female. And then, out of sheer vanity, you decided to accept evil in return for good!

Lupin:
You mean all females have a wicked nature?

Samurai:
The thing I can’t stand is that secret, indecent intention of yours!

Dan Dunn:
Forget it. That's one thing you can never cure.

Samurai:
And just what are you to Lupin? If you were a true friend, you should have cured his immoral habit years ago!

Dan Dunn:
Don't get hysterical, you crazy man!

[a standoff between Samurai and Dunn ensues]

Samurai:
I've been wanting to cut that hat of yours.

Dan Dunn:
Hmm? What's that mean?

Samurai:
I want to see if you're hiding a bald head!

Dan Dunn:
Well, now! Wanna fight?

Lupin:
Oh, all right, all right! I realized I was wrong! I'll reform, I'll reform! I promise I'll drop Margo like a hot potato! Now, let's change the mood and leave! You don't want to stay here and starve, do you?

Dan Dunn:
So, this is the genuine American navy?

Samurai:
It’s stupid. This is too unrealistic.

Dan Dunn:
You and me are the things that are unrealistic.

Gordon:
Stand up! Special Presidential Aide, Mr. Gissinger! [he presses a button, drawing down automated blinds]

Samurai:
What did he say?

Dan Dunn:
He said… this guy’s the mastermind for the biggest man in the world! [Gordon plays a taped recording of a conversation between US President Jimmy Carter and the Secretary General]

Secretary General:
Mr. President. Do you really have good control of your government? Do you realize I’m being blackmailed?

US President:
Blackmailed?

Secretary General:
I am to supply all secret technical data on biochemistry, cytology, gene technology… and if I refuse, they’ll attack with an atomic missile.

US President:
I’ve been threatened the same way. And to prove that they really mean it, they’ve already destroyed several of our communication satellites!

Secretary General:
I must remind you that it has nothing to do with us.

US President:
I do realize it.

Secretary General:
Then, do you think that man is…?

Mamaux:
That’s right. It is I, Mamaux! [Gissinger stops the tape]

Gissinger:
It is not necessary to explain to you who these people are. We are interested only in the blackmailer who broke in on the hotline… when they were having a secret conversation. [he rewinds part of the tape, and continues playing]

Mamaux:
That’s right. It is I, Mamaux! The greatest brain in the world. A prophet… or you may call me God!

US President:
God?! You must be insane!

Secretary General:
For one who calls himself God, your requests are pretty weird…

Mamaux:
Requests? This is an order. If you really know what is going on in the world right now, you should know better than this. [Gordon stops the tape]

Dan Dunn:
Let’s hear the rest.

Gissinger:
Hm? That’s enough. The rest is much too sensitive. We are positive that this man really means what he says.

Dan Dunn:
Is that right? [lights a cigarette] Well, anyway… it’s got nothing to do with us.

Gissinger:
Ah, but it does. Most of the things that Mamaux demands from us was stolen by that man Lupin. The bottom line… we want to know where Mamaux is!

Dan Dunn:
I have no idea at all.

Gordon:
Your hiding won’t do you any good! You men have always been working together with that thief Lupin! [Dan hands him Margo’s clue to Lupin’s whereabouts] What is this?

Dan Dunn:
A clue to find Lupin. It’s written by Lupin’s double-crossing girlfriend, and it reads “water”.

Gordon:
What does that mean?

Dan Dunn:
If I knew that, neither of us'd be here!

Gordon:
[frustrated, he turns over the table, knocking Gissinger and Dan Dunn backwards] Stop kidding me! [grabs Dan by his shirt] There are many ways that we can torture you!

Dan Dunn:
Is that the way you operate democracy?! Well, then, I’ve got news for you!

Gordon:
What news?

Dan Dunn:
I was a fan of Marilyn Monroe and Humphrey Bogart… but not anymore!

Gordon:
Why, you…!

Gissinger:
Gordon! These two, they know nothing. [whispers to Gordon, who opens a door] We will approach this problem from a different angle. You will be released immediately.

Gordon:
Be grateful to democracy! [closes the door]

Dan Dunn:
[straightening his jacket] Hm… I didn’t have to give up Humphrey Bogart!

[Mamaux shows Lupin and Margo surveillance footage of Dan Dunn and Samurai]

Mamaux:
[chuckling] I believe your friends have arrived.

Lupin:
Oh, it’s them!

Mamaux:
And one more person…

[Detective Scott, with a picture of Lupin, is shown questioning Laozi of his location]

Lupin:
Even the old shamus! [laughs] This is getting crazier and crazier!

Mamaux:
The man who’s entertaining him right now is an ancient Chinese philosopher.

Lupin:
You mean he’s paranoiac and thinks he is…

Mamaux:
No, he’s the real one!

Lupin:
You mean a real nut?

[Mamaux shows them images of the people he has cloned]

Mamaux:
Listen carefully. It took me 10,000 years to collect them. Politics, religion, philosophy, art. I preserved the most brilliant men in history from every field, and right now they still exist here. Have you ever thought about the end of the world? Well, here's a prophecy: in but a few more days, the world will come to an end. Only those chosen by me will live... for eternity. Only... beautiful and superior things can obtain eternal life from me.

Lupin:
[apparently deep in thought] Now I get it. So that's it... [chuckles, then laughs hysterically]

Mamaux:
What's so funny?!

Lupin:
[still chuckling] Oh, very artistic and original drama! I give you credit! The gift of eternal life, followed by the destruction of the world! Oh, that's very good!

Mamaux:
Ah, how ignorant and stubborn he is! You see what I mean, Margo? This man does not have the type of brain that should live throughout eternity.

[Margo is put off by Mamaux's statement]

Mamaux:
Margo, it will only be you who will have eternal life.

Margo:
Well, if I can't be with Lupin, then I don't want it.

Mamaux:
Margo!

Margo:
Oh, I'd like to have eternal youth... but I don't want to stay around and see Lupin as a shrivelled-up old man.

[Detective Scott and his Police Commissioner are eating in a Japanese restaurant in Colombia, Scott is rapidly eating a bowl of rice]

Commissioner:
Detective Scott… [Scott stops eating, surprised] Eat slowly now. Have some pickled radishes.

Detective Ed Scott:
Thank you for bringing me here, but couldn't we have gone somewhere and had a steak?

Commissioner:
Well, I thought that this would be a… special treat for you. On your expense account, you could never go to a restaurant like this!

Detective Ed Scott:
[upset] Yah! [chomps on a radish, crying] Commissioner! I am… I really am… fortunate… to have a chief like you!

Commissioner:
[hands him a handkerchief] Your nose is running.

Detective Ed Scott:
[blows his nose] I'm sorry, being treated so kindly by you, and not being able to catch Lupin… but I'll get him, even if it costs my life!

Commissioner:
Well, about that…

Detective Ed Scott:
I'll get that thief!

Commissioner:
No, forget about him.

Detective Ed Scott:
Wha…?

Commissioner:
The reason I came such a long way to this little town in Colombia… was to order you to stop pursuing Lupin. He’s got something to do with a very important man now. It’s international… no, it… concerns the whole universe!

Detective Ed Scott:
I’m afraid… I don’t quite get what you mean.

Commissioner:
Well, anyway, the Lupin case is way above our level. Oh, that’s right! [hands a small document with Scott’s “name” on it] Here’s a special bonus for all the trouble you went through. [chuckles] You’ve been a way for a long time now, and your daughter has grown up. Now I came to take you back home with me.

Detective Ed Scott:
I happen to be the only one who can capture Lupin.

Commissioner:
Oh… well, I appreciate how you feel…

Detective Ed Scott:
[shouting] Commissioner, I won’t give up!

Commissioner:
That’s an order!

Detective Ed Scott:
[angrily growls] Damn! [tears up the bonus, and kicks away the table he and the Commissioner are eating at] I resign! I’ll go after him on my own! I’ll get that Lupin! [he storms out of the restaurant to the surprise of the customers]

Commissioner:
Detective Scott!

[Detective Scott stands on the outskirts of the city as the sun sets]

Detective Ed Scott:
[narrating] Positive Lupin's hiding somewhere here in South America...

Margo:
[referring to Mamaux’s promise of eternal life] Oh, terrible! Everything he said was a lie.

Lupin:
Not all of it. It’s true that he’s trying to find a way to avoid death.

Dan Dunn:
Don’t be stupid. You know that’s impossible.

Lupin:
A clone, you know.

Dan Dunn:
Oh, a clone!

Lupin:
It’s a scientific method used to make an exact copy of a human being. They only need a single hair; anyway, all they need is one cell to fiddle around with; to make a perfect look-alike. If you go on repeating that process, one man could go on living, forever and ever!

Dan Dunn:
If what you say is true, then the one who was executed…

Lupin:
All you need is a single hair… to make a perfect look-alike…

[Dan Dunn tries to prevent Lupin from confronting Mamaux]

Dan Dunn:
Don't go, Lupin!

Lupin:
Well... y'know, he stole my dream. I've got to get it back.

Dan Dunn:
You mean that woman, don't you?

Lupin:
You sure are the classic type - completely hopeless.

Mamaux:
So… even a clone has its limitations.

Margo:
Limitations?

Older Mamaux Clone:
The transfer of chromosome information has not been exactly 100% complete. As you repeat the copying process, the image begins to fade… the endless clone chain reaction has been disturbing the cell system. For 130 generations, I have preserved my original body in all its exact detail by floating it in a special Ringer’s Solution. Since then, my bodies have all been copies of a copy.

Lupin:
You mean that… you’re an inferior quality Mamaux?

Older Mamaux Clone:
All this is for the sake of immortality… [dies]

Coroner:
[typed out] Post mortem complete.

Subject is identified as Lupin III aka "Wolf".

Probability of error - Zero.

But... Nobody's Perfect...

Detective Zenigata:
[opening narration] The Coroner’s Report came over the Telex from Transylvania. They’d performed an autopsy on the prisoner they’d hanged. Fingerprints… dental records… the whole ball of wax. The report left no doubt whatsoever that the dead man was the real… Lupin… the Third. But I wasn’t buying it… not until I’d seen his cold, stiff body with my own eyes.

Detective Zenigata:
[chuckles as he lifts the casket lid] Who do you think you are, Count Dracula? Well, I read the book, and Dracula gets his in the end, just like you're gonna get yours. Here! Let me treat you a nice "stake" dinner! [stakes the corpse, which promptly explodes. He recognizes a very alive Lupin] MY!

Lupin:
Why, Detective Zenigata! Long time no see, Old Man.

Detective Zenigata:
Lupin! You're dead! Wait a second, that stiff in the coffin, that was you, right?!

Lupin:
So they say. I'm a little confused myself.

Detective Zenigata:
They guaranteed that you were deader than a doornail! There wasn't a shadow of a doubt!

Lupin:
It's news to me. Frankly, I've never felt better in my life.

Detective Zenigata:
Well, just hold still a second and we can fix that! [swings a piece of wood at Lupin, who dodges, commencing a chase. By the time Zenigata catches up, Lupin has already reached his escape vehicle]

Lupin:
Hate to cut this short, but dead or alive, I think it's time I got out of here. [takes off, chuckling] Now don't forget to write!

Detective Zenigata:
Ya little...! I'll be writing "rest in peace" on your tombstone when I'm done with you! That lousy little thief, I knew he was still alive! [laughs] You had everyone else falling for it! Not Zenigata; this is one detective you can't shake that easily! This is one guy who's gonna dog your every step to the very gates of Hell!

Lupin:
Uh, did we touch it?

Jigen:
Afraid so. We better hurry.

Lupin:
You know you can't just hurry through a setup like this. [Turns on visor, showing laser lines in the way.] Give me 80 centimeters.

Jigen:
Right. [Gives Lupin a 80 centimeter bar.] Lupin.

Lupin:
What now?

Jigen:
So who was that guy they hanged in Transylvania anyway?

Lupin:
Well, it was me. That's what all the evidence says. He had my DNA, my fingerprints, everything.

Jigen:
I hate hearing weird stuff like that.

Lupin:
You and me both. It's enough to shake a guy's confidence. At the rate we're going, I'm starting to wonder if maybe he was the real Lupin.

Jigen:
Now you tell me...

Detective Zenigata:
All right! The first unit takes the north passage! The rest of you take the south portal in case he tries to make a run for it!

Egyptian Police Chief:
Not so fast, Detective Zenigata! Who put you in command?

Detective Zenigata:
[shoving his megaphone into the Egyptian police chief's face] Stay out of my way! I've got a job to do here! [climbs on top of the nearest vehicle] Lupin's in there! I can smell him! Forward, men! Charge! Go! Go! Go!

Detective Zenigata:
Give it up, Lupin! We've got the whole pyramid surrounded! Go that way! Seal the exits! Hop to it! Hit those lights!

[as the lights turn on, Zenigata is surprised to see the Egyptian police officers stationed there aiming guns]

Egyptian Police Chief:
Well, seems you were right after all.

Detective Zenigata:
Hey, what's with all the guns?

Egyptian Police Chief:
[taken aback] What do you mean?

Detective Zenigata:
Listen, I want that little rat taken alive! No shooting, is that understood?

Egyptian Police Chief:
Is that so?

[the Egyptian police chief and Zenigata start wrestling]

Egyptian Police Chief:
I do not take orders...!

[Lupin and Jigen approach on a motorcycle as the fight continues]

Egyptian Police Chief:
Who do you think you are?

Egyptian Police Officer:
He's coming!

[Lupin's motorcycle knocks down some of the officers, to the surprise of Zenigata and the Egyptian police chief, and goes up a ramp]

Egyptian Police Chief:
What are you waiting for, you sons of goats? FIRE!

Detective Zenigata:
[shoves the Egyptian police chief aside] Not so fast, we got him just where we want him! There's no way down from up there!

Detective Zenigata:
Oh no, here we go again...! [the chase begins as Lupin takes off on his motorcycle with Zenigata giving chase by foot]

Lupin:
Take it easy! You wouldn't want a sunstroke, Detective, not at your age!

[Zenigata continues running after Lupin until he steps into a sand trap in his path]

Detective Zenigata:
What the...?! [falls in]

Lupin:
Well, it looks like you found some shade!

[Lupin, hidden behind a pillar, presents a rose for Fujiko, who gasps]

Lupin:
[melodramatic, clears his throat] My love is like a red, red rose!

Fujiko:
Lupin!

Lupin:
[in a mock English accent] A rose is a rose by any other name would smell as sweet!

Fujiko:
What is this, English lit. 101?

Lupin:
[walks out to her, wearing a formal dress suit, clears his throat] How like a rose thou art! Oh, your beauty dazzles my eyes! Your thorns pierce my heart! [smells the rose, changes back to his normal accent] And that stuff didn’t come out of any book, by the way. I made that part up all by myself.

Fujiko:
Don’t give up your day job, okay? Shouldn’t we get down to business?

Lupin:
[in an uncharacteristically deep voice] I long to undress thee Fujiko petal by petal…

Fujiko:
Great. Now it’s getting obscene.

Lupin:
I long to plant thee in my garden of love, water thee with my tears, and fertilize thee with my kisses, Fujiko!

Fujiko:
Enough of the fertilizer, Lupin. Get that bud out of my face before I plant it.

Lupin:
So typical of the materialistic modern woman. [throws the rose away] All they want is expensive jewelry.

Fujiko:
All I want is what we agreed to. [gasps] What are you babbling about? Did you find the gemstone?!

Lupin:
Does Santa Claus wear a red suit?

[Fujiko’s eyes widen as Lupin presents her the Philosopher’s Stone]

Fujiko:
That's it, all right. Hand it over!

[Lupin yanks the Stone away from Fujiko]

Lupin:
[tutting] Fujiko! You cut to the quick! I can't believe how unromantic you are! I mean, I risked my life to bring you this bauble, not to mention expenses! And what do I get in return for all my toil and trouble? "Hand it over." Tell me, who's the pebble for, anyway? I assume you're acting for someone else, right? So don't tell me. It doesn't really matter. The fact remains that your part of the bargain was to go on a date with me, remember?

[Lupin had just gotten out of the bathtub after his encounter with Fujiko goes supposedly awry]

Lupin:
You know, deep down I think that woman is crazy about me.

Jigen:
Yeah, I'm sure that's why she double-crossed you. Good thing we double-crossed her first...

Goemon:
Lupin, the road to Hell is paved with pretty women.

Lupin:
What's the matter with you, Goemon? Did your mom drop you when you were a baby? [puts on the headphones Jigen had given him as Jigen searches for the signal planted on the Philosopher's Stone]

Jigen:
Shut up. I'm trying to pick up the signal here.

Jigen:
Ever thought of driving something less conspicuous?

Lupin:
Don't blame the car, they're following that hat of yours!

Goemon:
Once again... I defile my blade on an unworthy object.

[Lupin and his gang have returned to their hideout to find it destroyed]

Jigen:
No weapons, no food, no nothing. They must have got here first.

Lupin:
No kidding. So you don’t think it was termites?

Jigen:
[kicking debris] Look. It’s obvious what happened. We know who must have told them about this place – a certain redhead with a motorcycle and a skin-tight black leather jumpsuit on! She’s nothing but bad luck; either you dump her or you can count me out.

Lupin:
Will you give it a rest?!

Goemon:
It is you who should give it a rest, Lupin. This infantile need to prove your virility is humiliating to behold… and dangerous. Your lust for this creature has blinded you to her true nature.

Lupin:
[sighing] You’re jealous. Both of you.

Goemon:
I warn you – abandon these indecent cravings for the sake of your soul.

Jigen:
Save it. You'll never change him by preaching at him, Goemon.

Goemon:
And you. What kind of friend are you, Jigen? You just encourage him. You treat it as some kind of joke. You're worse than he is.

Jigen:
Hey, I don't have to listen to this!

[a standoff between Goemon and Jigen ensues]

Goemon:
Be careful I don't sink my blade into that hat of yours.

Jigen:
Yeah? You just try it.

Goemon:
On second thought, I'd probably hit solid rock.

Jigen:
That does it!

Lupin:
Hey, now! Hold on! Calm down! You're right, you're right! Fujiko is history, okay? I'll drop her, I swear. And that's a fact! No more women, okay? So let's head for the coast. Unless you'd rather stay here and starve to death!

Jigen:
All this just to bag the two of us. Boy, with the Cold War over, things must be pretty slow.

Goemon:
We can thank Lupin for getting us into this.

Jigen:
Life’d sure be dull without him, wouldn’t it?

Gordon:
Stand up! You’re in the presence of a very important government official! [he presses a button, drawing down automated blinds]

Goemon:
I stand for no one.

Jigen:
Me neither, not even for Heinrich Gissinger, Special Adviser to--and the brains behind--the President of the United States. [Gordon plays a taped recording of a conversation between the US President and the Secretary General]

Secretary General:
Mr. President, my country’s being blackmailed. I hope your government is not at fault.

US President:
Now calm down, Boris. That’s ridiculous.

Secretary General:
Whoever it is demands that we hand over all of our secret scientific data on cryogenics and gene splicing. If we do not, he threatens to attack us with nuclear warheads!

US President:
Well, he’s not one of ours. We’ve been threatened the same way. In fact, he’s already knocked out two of our communication satellites!

Secretary General:
You do not think that we…

US President:
No, no. The Cold War’s over, after all… isn’t it, Boris?

Secretary General:
Oh… why, yes it is. Of course! But who is this madman?

Mamo:
If I may, gentlemen… I am Mamo. [Gissinger stops the tape]

Gissinger:
The first two voices will remain unidentified. They are of no concern. What we want is the identity of the man who broke in on their top-secret conversation… this blackmailer who calls himself “Mamo”. [he fast-forwards part of the tape, and continues playing]

Mamo:
That’s right – Mamo. Some have called me a prophet; others, a God.

Secretary General:
That is lunacy!

US President:
That’s an understatement. You can’t believe that we’ll go along with this.

Mamo:
You have no choice! I know every move you make before you know it yourselves. Why, I even know about that little floozy you keep in the steno pool, Mr. President. How would you like the world to find out about her?

US President:
Oh… how dare you!

Secretary General:
Floozy? What is this floozy? [Gordon stops the tape]

Jigen:
Aw… just when it was gettin’ good.

Gissinger:
The rest of it is immaterial. All that matters is reason to believe that this Mamo character is quite serious in his intentions.

Jigen:
No kiddin’. [lights a cigarette] You haven’t said… what any of this has to do with us.

Gissinger:
Don’t be silly. We know your friend Lupin stole some objects at this fellow’s request, and that you were with him when he did. Now, then… tell me everything you know about this Mamo person!

Jigen:
Hey. You guys know more about him than I do.

Gordon:
Okay, stop playing games, ya lousy beatnik! We know you’re in this with Lupin up to your necks, so start coming clean! [Jigen hands him Fujiko’s clue to Lupin’s whereabouts] Hm? What the Hell’s this?

Jigen:
It’s a clue, Sherlock. His double-crossing girlfriend wrote it and dropped it out of a plane. It says “water”.

Gordon:
[annoyed] Yeah, I can read.

Jigen:
I’m impressed. You’re clearly overqualified for your job. Next, they’ll be hiring guys who can think...

Gordon:
[Growling angrily, he turns over the table, knocking Gissinger and Jigen backwards. He grabs Jigen by his shirt] Listen! We have ways of getting you to talk!

Jigen:
Is this the way the US Government treats folks?! Well, I got news for you, Charlie!

Gordon:
Yeah?! What’s that?

Jigen:
I’ve always believed in my patriotic duty to buy US savings bonds, but I never will again!

Gordon:
You pencil-necked little pisshead!

Gissinger:
Gordon! It is obvious that these two know nothing. [mutters with Gordon, who opens a door] It appears we shall have to approach this problem from a different angle. In the meantime, gentlemen, you are both free to go.

Gordon:
You two clowns better watch your step! [closes the door]

Jigen:
[straightening his jacket] Yeah. Right back atcha, ya big ape.

[Mamo shows Lupin and Fujiko surveillance footage of Jigen and Goemon]

Mamo:
Ah. Must be friends of yours, if I’m not mistaken.

Lupin:
Yeah, we’ve crossed paths a couple of times.

Mamo:
And what’s more, there’s somebody else…

[Detective Zenigata, with a picture of Lupin, is shown questioning Laozi of his location]

Lupin:
Zenigata! [laughs] Well, he sure is persistent. I’ll give him that.

Mamo:
The person he’s talking to is Lao Tzu, the ancient Chinese philosopher.

Lupin:
You mean a paranoid schizophrenic who thinks he’s Lao…

Mamo:
No, he’s the real one!

Lupin:
You mean a real nut… am I right?

[Mamo shows them images of the people he has cloned]

Mamo:
I have populated my island with the most brilliant men and women in history. Geniuses from every field–politics, philosophy, religion, art. It has taken me 10,000 years to collect them all. Superior, every one! This thriving community will live on here even after the rest of the world has gone up in smoke, a development which I regrettably foresee happening in the next day or two. Only those fortunate few chosen by me for their brilliance, or their beauty, will survive the coming cataclysm and be assured of immortality.

Lupin:
[apparently deep in thought] Brilliant. It's so simple... [chuckles, then laughs hysterically]

Mamo:
You laugh?!

Lupin:
[still chuckling] When it comes to wackos, you take the cake, Pee-Wee! A post-apocalyptic country club? Now I think I've heard everything!

Mamo:
Look at this man, Fujiko! This is the man you want to spend the rest of eternity with? This ignorant fool who laughs like a hyena at his own impending doom?

[Fujiko is put off by Mamo's statement]

Lupin:
[annoyed] Okay, there's no need to get personal.

Mamo:
I refuse to grant the gift of immortality to one so unworthy!

Fujiko:
Well, if that's the way you want to be, you can just count me out, too!

Mamo:
Fujiko!

Fujiko:
What's the point of being forever young and lovely? It's no fun if I have to sit by and watch him getting old and shriveled up!

[Detective Zenigata and his Police Commissioner are eating in a Japanese restaurant in Colombia, Zenigata is rapidly eating a bowl of rice]

Commissioner:
Slow down, Zenigata!

Detective Zenigata:
[stops eating, surprised] Hm?

Commissioner:
Don't make yourself sick, my boy! Have some more pickled radish.

Detective Zenigata:
I appreciate the meal, chief, but couldn't we have found a place that served steak and potatoes?

Commissioner:
No, I wanted to give you a real treat--something special. On your salary, you'd never be able to afford a place like this.

Detective Zenigata:
[upset] You're right… [chomps on a radish, crying] I don't deserve this! Commissioner… I really am… so lucky… to have a chief like you! [breaks down in tears]

Commissioner:
[hands him a handkerchief] Stiff upper lip.

Detective Zenigata:
[blows his nose] You're a real prince, treating me to dinner like this even after I let that lousy thief get away! But I haven't given up, sir, I'll catch him!

Commissioner:
Oh, well, about that…

Detective Zenigata:
I'll nail him, chief!

Commissioner:
You're off the case.

Detective Zenigata:
Huh?

Commissioner:
Nothing personal. Actually… we’re dropping the whole business. That’s why I came to this Godforsaken town in Colombia – to find you and order you off the Lupin case. It seems our boy’s involved with some pretty important people. It’s a diplomatic affair, now… a lot bigger than you and me, Detective.

Detective Zenigata:
Would you repeat that? I think I’m still a little soggy.

Commissioner:
The Lupin case is finished. You got that? Forget about him. Oh! One more thing. [hands a small document with Zenigata’s name on it] A little something in the way of a bonus for all your efforts. Oh, you’ll be happy to get home after all this time, eh! Your daughter’s all grown up. Well, your plane leaves in a couple of hours.

Detective Zenigata:
With all due respect, sir, I’m the only one who can catch him!

Commissioner:
I know how you feel…

Detective Zenigata:
[shouting] Chief, you can’t do this!

Commissioner:
Wait a moment, now! It’s an order!

[Detective Zenigata angrily growls, and tears up the bonus. He kicks away the table he and the Commissioner are eating at]

Detective Zenigata:
Well, now it’s confetti! I resign, chief! I’ll go after him on my own! [he storms out of the restaurant to the surprise of the customers]

Commissioner:
I’m warning you! Come back here at once!

[Detective Zenigata stands on the outskirts of the city as the sun sets]

Detective Zenigata:
[narrating] I'm absolutely positive he's hiding here... somewhere in South America! They always end up somewhere in South America...

Fujiko:
[referring to Mamo’s promise of eternal life] So he’s just another rich, dirty old man. It was all lies.

Lupin:
Not completely. Maybe the guy has found the secret of immortality…

Jigen:
Yeah, right. Don’t tell me you believe that rubbish.

Lupin:
He’s a clone.

Jigen:
Say what?

Lupin:
C’mon, he has to be. It’s the only possibility that makes sense! All you need is a single cell from a living thing in order to make a clone, or perfect copy, of it. And if you repeated the process, over and over, that thing, whatever it is, could conceivably go on living forever and ever!

Jigen:
If this is for real, did you ever think that maybe that guy they hanged in Transylvania…

Lupin:
Wasn’t me after all, but a clone of me, yeah! That would certainly explain things!

[Jigen tries to prevent Lupin from confronting Mamo]

Jigen:
You’re not going, Lupin.

Lupin:
He stole something that belongs to me. Now I want it back.

Jigen:
All this because of some damn woman.

Lupin:
Buddy, I feel sorry for you. You’re completely hopeless.

Mamo:
Yes. Even a clone has its limitations.

Fujiko:
It does?

Older Mamo Clone:
The transfer of chromosomal data is never 100% complete. There are always imperfections, unnoticeable at first, but as the cloning is repeated age after age, these distortions become more pronounced. Despite all my efforts, once my original form began to decay, I had to make second generation clones, and then third, and then fourth. What you see is a copy of a copy of a copy.

Lupin:
So you’ve degenerated into an inferior Mamo.

Older Mamo Clone:
Eternity… is a long time. [dies]

Detective Zenigata:
[opening narration] The Coroner’s Report came through from Transylvania on the Telex. There was a whole lotta bullshit about "Transylvanian justice" and stringing people up. But here’s the bit that interested me: "There is no doubt whatever… that the man we executed… was, in fact… the real… Wolf III." But I was one detective who wouldn’t bet his trenchcoat on a Transylvanian Telex! I had to see for myself!

Detective Zenigata:
[lifts the casket lid] Ha-ha! Hiya, Wolf buddy! I know what you're up to; but I ain't buying your innocent "undead Dracula" act, okay? You've met your match in me! AAAAHHH! [stakes the corpse, which promptly explodes. As he recognizes a very alive Wolf, he screams]

Wolf:
Surely, you didn't expect me to fall for that "pointed stake" stuff?

Detective Zenigata:
Wolf! You're alive! It's not what you're supposed to be!

Wolf:
Seems not. I find it all very confusing.

Detective Zenigata:
Yes, you're definitely the real Wolf III! I'm positive of that!

Wolf:
I'm not denying it, but that doesn't get us very far.

Detective Zenigata:
I'm gonna make certain you're dead! [swings a piece of wood at Wolf, who dodges, commencing a chase. By the time Zenigata catches up, Wolf has already reached his escape vehicle.]

Wolf:
Bye-bye! Sorry, but I'll have to hear your life story another time! [takes off, chuckling] You take care now!

Detective Zenigata:
You rat! I'm gonna take care, all right; I'm gonna take care of you! It doesn't matter how long it might take! [laughs] You may think you've gotten away, Wolf, but you're up against a great detective! I'll follow you into the fire of Hell, and when I catch you, I'll brand you with cattle irons!

Wolf:
Watch that blood pressure!

Wolf:
Did I...break the beam?

Jigen:
Who knows? Let's just hurry.

Wolf:
If we hurry, we won't make it. That's for sure. [Turns on visor, showing laser lines in the way.] Max width, 80 centimeters.

Jigen:
OK. [Gives Wolf a 80 centimeter bar.] Hey, Wolf.

Wolf:
Eh?

Jigen:
Tell me about the hanging.

Wolf:
What's to tell about? The hanged man in Transylvania...was probably the real me. Probably.

Jigen:
Eh, that sounds kinda weird.

Wolf:
Yes, it does, doesn't it? Now I'm starting to get the distinct impression this me ain't real at all. And that's some identity crisis!

Detective Zenigata:
Unit 1, cover the south level! Units 2 and 3, take the north passage!

Egyptian Police Chief:
Listen, Zenigata! I'm in charge of these troops, and I insist...

Detective Zenigata:
[shoving his megaphone into the Egyptian police chief's face] Hear this, Captain: it's me that's talkin' here! [climbs on top of the nearest vehicle] My sixth sense tells me Wolf's in there! Forward! Charge!

Detective Zenigata:
There's no way out, Wolf! It's all over! Seal off the exits! That way, you men! Don't let him get away! He's got to be down here! Turn the lights on!

[as the lights turn on, Zenigata is surprised to see the Egyptian police officers stationed there aiming guns]

Egyptian Police Chief:
Congratulations on your sixth sense! It does seem to work exceptionally well.

Detective Zenigata:
And what do these guns mean?

Egyptian Police Chief:
[taken aback] Precautions.

Detective Zenigata:
Huh! Unless they're issued with silver bullets, your men would waste their ammunition!

Egyptian Police Chief:
You're under arrest!

[the Egyptian police chief and Zenigata start wrestling]

Detective Zenigata:
You can't arrest me!

Egyptian Police Chief:
This will lead to an international incident!

Detective Zenigata:
Lead to what?

[Wolf and Jigen approach on a motorcycle as the fight continues]

Egyptian Police Chief:
The days of Western interference are over!

Egyptian Police Officer:
Motorbike.

[Wolf's motorcycle knocks down some of the officers, to the surprise of Zenigata and the Egyptian police chief, and goes up a ramp]

Egyptian Police Chief:
That's dangerous driving! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!

Detective Zenigata:
[shoves the Egyptian police chief aside] That'll lead you up to Level 8! Can't get out that way, Wolfie!

Detective Zenigata:
Aw, sh*t! Very tricky! [the chase begins as Wolf takes off on his motorcycle with Zenigata giving chase by foot]

Wolf:
I like it! Nice to see a guy getting in condition!

[Zenigata continues running after Wolf until he falls into a sand trap in his path]

Wolf:
Watch out for rabbit holes!

[Wolf, hidden behind a pillar, presents a rose for Fujiko]

Fujiko:
[gasps] Wolfie?

Wolf:
[melodramatic] The lovely Fujiko, unless I’m much mistaken?

Fujiko:
Flattery will get you anything you want… not.

Wolf:
[walks out to her, wearing a formal dress suit] "Flattery"? How can you be so unfair, when the soft breezes of Paris have melted my icy heart? [smells the rose] I thought a little smooth dressing would set the tone for an evening of beauty that matches your own.

Fujiko:
[sighing] You quaint old-fashioned boy. However, I do get the message.

Wolf:
O, the beauty of this flower doth pale beside Fujiko.

Fujiko:
Wolf, cut the crap, eh?

Wolf:
O, there’s pain in the prick of thy thorn, but that pain brings pleasure… onto my soul.

Fujiko:
Wolf, this is getting boring. So do me a favor, and let’s get down to business.

Wolf:
Huh! How can somebody have eyes [throws the rose away] burning with such deep passion, but be so cold to me?!

Fujiko:
It isn’t remotely difficult. Unless… you weren’t asking me to marry you, were you?!

Wolf:
Don’t be silly. But… see what I got?

[Fujiko’s eyes widen as Wolf presents her the Wiseman Stone]

Fujiko:
Oh, you're a devil, can I hold it?

[Wolf yanks the Stone away from Fujiko]

Wolf:
Negative. Oh boy, one glimpse of that jackpot and I'm in demand suddenly! Typical, really typical! How shallow the world is. Do I get a word of appreciation for all that danger and the sacrifice I went through to get this? To all Hell! Or could it be that little Fujiko has got some deal going on which doesn't include yours truly, hmm? Did you forget that we had an agreement as well? F***, if you wanna call off our deal, well, that's fine!

Goemon:
I demean myself with my attention to this worthless object.

[Wolf and his gang have returned to their hideout to find it destroyed]

Wolf:
So much for my hideout…

Jigen:
No food, guns or ammo. No nothin'!

Wolf:
Thanks, Jigen. I really hadn’t noticed.

Jigen:
[kicking debris, grunting angrily] Wolf. I’m just a little pissed off. And I’m telling you you’ve gotta forget Fujiko. She must’ve shown the strong arms boys and the mob this place, and they did the rest! It’s time to make some painful choices; it’s either Fujiko or me!

Wolf:
Don’t tempt me…

Goemon:
Wolf-San. A samurai warrior cannot work for a female. You accepted the commission to steal the stone for her only because you like the look of her ass. The wise man has said, "Nice asses turn men into asses".

Wolf:
True – that sure was a wise guy.

Goemon:
Your degenerate mockery is getting dangerously irritating!

Wolf:
Hmmm.

Jigen:
Goemon, you ain't gonna get anywhere, so give up like I have.

Goemon:
And do you dare to represent yourself as his friend? Willingness to amputate without ether is the test of friendship, and you have failed it!

Jigen:
God, you're such a boring schmuck!

[a standoff between Goemon and Jigen ensues]

Goemon:
The time has come for me to slice off your hat.

Jigen:
Mm? Just try!

Goemon:
We shall see how little brain you have underneath it!

Jigen:
Okay! Try your luck!

Wolf:
All right, kiddies, calm down! Yes, you're right! I did get carried away, but no more! It's strictly business from now on! I'll never think about Fujiko again! NOW, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, OR WE'LL STARVE!

Jigen:
So, this is how Uncle Sam keeps the world safe for democracy.

Goemon:
All military might is an illusion.

Jigen:
Well, those planes look pretty real to me.

Gordon:
Ten-shun! This is Special Presidential Adviser, Mr. Gissinger. [he presses a button, drawing down automated blinds]

Goemon:
What’s special about him?

Jigen:
Have you heard his accent? Apart from that, he masterminds the world’s number-one big bang show. [Gordon plays a taped recording of a conversation between the US President and the Secretary General]

Secretary General:
Mr. President. I want your assurance that the CIA is not responsible – I am being blackmailed.

US President:
Eh, how’s that, Mr. Secretary?

Secretary General:
I am to hand over all secret technical data on biochemistry, sitology and gene technology. If I refuse, my country will suffer a nuclear attack!

US President:
Hey, I’ve been threatened the same way. And to prove they’re serious, they’ve already destroyed several of our communication satellites.

Secretary General:
Well, it was not us, Mr. President.

US President:
I know that, Mr. Secretary. You couldn’t hit one of our satellites if you tried.

Secretary General:
Now, wait! Only…

US President:
Choke on your borscht. The important thing is – to find out who’s behind this.

Mamo:
I shall tell you. It is I, Mamo. [Gissinger stops the tape]

Gissinger:
I cannot reveal who the first voices we heard belong to, but it’s the third voice, which is obviously the blackmailer’s, that I am interested in. Who broke in on this secure hotline conversation? [he rewinds part of the tape, and continues playing]

Mamo:
I shall tell you. It is I, Mamo. The greatest intellect in the history of the world. Some call me a prophet; you may address me as God.

Secretary General:
God?! You must be insane!

US President:
Eh, if you’re God, I gotta tell you, your requests are pretty unoriginal, not to say, venial.

Mamo:
Request? I’m giving you and order! And if you care about mainstream, cherry pie and Dynasty as you always say, you’ll jump to it! [Gordon stops the tape]

Jigen:
Go on.

Gissinger:
No. You do not have security clearance A-14, without which the material is too sensitive to be communicated to you at this moment in time.

Jigen:
That’s tough. [lights a cigarette] But I don’t see… where the two of us come in.

Gissinger:
Mamo’s established positive links with the criminal named “Wolf”, an associate of yours. I need him. He will lead me to this imposter who pretends to be God!

Jigen:
Hey, I wish I could help you, only…

Gordon:
Grr... I’m not putting up with crap like that! We got information which says you and Wolf have been partners for years! [Jigen hands him Fujiko’s clue to Wolf’s whereabouts] So, what’s this?

Jigen:
That’s for you guys to work out. It was written by Wolf’s double-crossing girlfriend. Nothing else I can tell you.

Gordon:
Water’s all it says…

Jigen:
Boy, if you’re that on the ball, you’ll solve this case in no time!

Gordon:
[frustrated, he turns over the table, knocking Gissinger and Jigen backwards] Don’t mess me around! [grabs Jigen by his shirt] Listen! We got ways of making you talk.

Jigen:
C’mon, riff, shouldn’t that be his line? If this is democracy, I’ve had it.

Gordon:
Huh? Not yet.

Jigen:
I used to be a great Bogie fan, and Elvis, Dean and Marilyn… but now, I resign!

Gordon:
So, you really are anti-American…!

Gissinger:
Gordon! Restrain your quite mental outrage. [whispers to Gordon] Let’s use a more subtle psychological approach. [Gordon opens a door] We are convinced you are telling the truth and that you know nothing. We have therefore decided that we will let you go.

Gordon:
God bless America and democracy! [closes the door]

Jigen:
[straightening his jacket] This means I needn't give up Bogie!

[Mamo shows Wolf and Fujiko surveillance footage of Jigen and Goemon]

Mamo:
[chuckling] Your friends have foolishly followed you here.

Wolf:
Hey! Watch out, guys!

Mamo:
And someone else is tracking them, apparently.

[Detective Zenigata, with a picture of Wolf, is shown questioning Laozi of his location]

Wolf:
Well, whaddya know! [laughs] The plot’s thickening up very nicely!

Mamo:
He’s cornered one of the greatest philosophers in the history of the world.

Wolf:
You mean some paranoid nut who thinks he is…

Mamo:
No I don’t, he’s real!

Wolf:
You mean a real nut?

[Mamo shows them images of the people he has cloned]

Mamo:
Try to listen carefully and see if your poor brain can grasp that I’ve gathered the most brilliant men in history; from the fields of art, religion, philosophy and politics here! Not as some sort of conjuring trick, but an actual fact! Another thought that might let your poor brain boggle is that nothing is permanent, and even the world will one day be a mere glitch in the memory of God, who made all living beings. That time is near! Within one or two weeks, the world will end not with a whimper... but with a bang. Only people who are beautiful or mentally superior will live beyond it – those I choose!

Wolf:
[apparently deep in thought] Oh, boy... this poor brain's in pain. [chuckles, then laughs hysterically]

Mamo:
What's so funny?!

Lupin:
[still chuckling] I gotta give you top marks for thinking up such a brilliant plotline! You get life forever, but nowhere left to live it in! Oh, yes, I like it!

Mamo:
You may think mockery is clever, but it merely makes you look like a blinkered imbecile! Well, Fujiko? Do you see how little he deserves the attention of a girl as beautiful and intelligent as you?

[Fujiko is put off by Mamo's statement]

Mamo:
He shall not live eternally as I intend that you shall.

Fujiko:
I’m sorry, but if Wolf’s not in the deal, I’m not interested.

Mamo:
Fujiko!

Fujiko:
Sure, I'd like a slice of eternal youth... but I wouldn’t want to spend it watching him going bald and clutching a Zimmer frame!

[Detective Zenigata and his Police Commissioner are eating in a Japanese restaurant in Colombia, Zenigata is rapidly eating a bowl of rice]

Commissioner:
Slow down, Zenigata! [Zenigata stops eating, surprised] You'll give yourself indigestion! Have a pickled radish.

Detective Zenigata:
I have no objection to nouvelle cuisine, but I would have enjoyed a big T-bone…

Commissioner:
I thought this resturant'd be a treat! Way out of your league! It's very expensive, and on your pathetic expenses…

Detective Zenigata:
[upset] Yeah, I know! [chomps on a radish, crying] God, I'm really grateful, but I'm hungry as well! I appreciate… everything… that you're doing… but Wolf got away! [breaks down in tears]

Commissioner:
[hands him a handkerchief] Stop that.

Detective Zenigata:
[blows his nose] I mean, I don't deserve pickled radishes, peas and arsenic, or ants on a bed of cornflowers! I'll find him though, Commissioner!

Commissioner:
Since you mentioned it…

Detective Zenigata:
I'll get that creep!

Commissioner:
Oh no, you won't.

Detective Zenigata:
Huh?

Commissioner:
Zenigata, the reason I brought you to this Japanese restaurant, Colombia, was to tell you that the Wolf File is closed. I’ve been warned off by an important person in person. This case now has international, and quite possibly, interplanetary ramifications. I hope I make myself clear.

Detective Zenigata:
I don’t get it. This case is all I live for!

Commissioner:
Come on, there are other hobbies for an experienced cop like you. But, we decided you… [hands a small document with Zenigata’s name on it] earned yourself a little bonus for dedication to duty. [chuckles] You’ve been away from home a long while, and I was told – your wife’s suing for divorce. So I’m here to take you back home.

Detective Zenigata:
But Commissioner, no one can catch Wolf, except me!

Commissioner:
Sure. I know how you feel, son…

Detective Zenigata:
[shouting] I refuse to give up!

Commissioner:
Don’t you yell at me! That was an order!

[Detective Zenigata angrily growls, and tears up the bonus. He kicks away the table he and the Commissioner are eating at]

Detective Zenigata:
I resign as of now! I don’t need a badge to go after that creep! [he storms out of the restaurant to the surprise of the customers, laughing manically]

Commissioner:
You’ll never drive your squad car again!

[Detective Zenigata stands on the outskirts of the city as the sun sets]

Detective Zenigata:
[narrating] My sixth sense is screaming at me that Wolf's hiding, here in South America...

Fujiko:
[referring to Mamo’s promise of eternal life] I can’t stand it. Everything he said was a lie!

Wolf:
Not everything. He could have found a way to live on forever…

Jigen:
Knock it off, Wolf. How’s that possible?

Wolf:
By cloning himself.

Jigen:
What?

Wolf:
A biological copy. Scientists can make reperas of any human. All they need is a single hair; one single cell to mess around with. They can make a perfect look-alike. And if they go on doing it… hey presto! Immortality!

Jigen:
I wonder if might have been a clone that was stung up by the Transylvanians.

Wolf:
That’s a question I’ve been puzzling over, though I don’t remember losing any of my hair…

[Jigen tries to prevent Wolf from confronting Mamo]

Jigen:
Hold it right there!

Wolf:
Y’know, Jigen… a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Mamo stole my dream.

Jigen:
Even the Samurai couldn’t put it better. But I’m not going with you.

Wolf:
I’ll be better off alone. I think it’s a one-man job.

Mamo:
So… it seems even clones have their limitations.

Fujiko:
Like what?

Older Mamo Clone:
The passing of chromosome information, I must acknowledge, has not been 100% complete. With each copy, the clarity fades slightly, almost imperceptibly. The endless clone chain reaction disturbs the cells. Over 130 generations, I produced copies and still more copies, and each time the result was lacking in some strand I’d achieved in the previous one... till I am what you see before you.

Wolf:
You mean you’ve become a pretty poor specimen by now.

Older Mamo Clone:
The price is high… to buy eternal life. [dies]

Coroner:
[typed out] CORONER’S REPORT:

An autopsy was performed on the

executed prisoner who was without question

the real Lupin the Third.

BUT… THERE WAS A MAN WHO REFUSED TO BELIEVE THAT LUPIN WAS DEAD…

Inspector Zenigata:
[chuckles as he lifts the casket lid] Give it a rest, Lupin, will ya? All right, now let's see just how far you're willing to take this little "charade", ALL THE WAY TO THE GRAVE! [stakes the corpse, which promptly explodes. As he recognizes a very alive Lupin, he screams]

Lupin:
Yeah. The old "exploding Lupin" trick, and you fell for it!

Inspector Zenigata:
Lupin! [gasps] You're alive! Ah, ah! But... you died last spring!

Lupin:
Yeah, I know. I heard that rumor, too.

Inspector Zenigata:
Huh! So, you're telling me you had "nothing to do with it", huh?!

Lupin:
I'm really just as mystified as you are, Pops.

Inspector Zenigata:
What kind of fool do you think I am?! [swings a piece of wood at Lupin]

Lupin:
[dodges] Whoa! Hey! Take it easy!

Inspector Zenigata:
[starts chasing Lupin] Get back here! LUPIN! [by the time he catches up, Lupin has already reached his escape vehicle] What the Hell are you up to?

Lupin:
Oh, I'd say... at least several hundred feet, with any luck. See ya! [takes off]

Inspector Zenigata:
What the Hell?! Hey! HEY!

Lupin:
[chuckles] Bye! Catch you later!

Inspector Zenigata:
Dammit! Listen here! You can run all you want, but you can't hide forever! Oh, I knew it! I knew you were alive! [laughs] Nobody understands you the way I do, Lupin, not nobody! And I'm gonna catch you if it takes every last damn breath in my body! You hear that?!

Lupin:
Did I do what...I think I did?

Jigen:
Oh, yeah. We're screwed now.

Lupin:
It's just at the end of this passage. [Turns on visor, showing laser lines in the way.] 80 centimeters.

Jigen:
OK. [Gives Lupin a 80 centimeter bar.] So Lupin.

Lupin:
Hmm?

Jigen:
That guy they executed last spring.

Lupin:
Hm-hmm?

Jigen:
Who the Hell do you think it was really?

Lupin:
It looked like me. Our fingerprints were identical. He even had my DNA, supposedly.

Jigen:
Yeah I know all that...

Lupin:
Look, I don't know. This whole thing is weird and extremely creepy. Maybe we should just drop it for now.

Jigen:
Yeah, OK.

Inspector Zenigata:
Now, all you guys in white take the north side, and... [realizing everyone is wearing white uniforms] No, let me see, if your last name starts from A to L--!

Egyptian Police Chief:
Who the Hell put you in charge of this operation, huh?

Inspector Zenigata:
[shoving his megaphone into the Egyptian police chief's face] It was the guy who invented the megaphone! [climbs on top of the nearest vehicle] Remember: he's the weaselly guy with long sideburns! Now, go! Go! Go! Go!

Inspector Zenigata:
Give it up, Lupin! Don't even think about it! Hey! Get back here! Dammit! What are you all waiting for? Move! Out of my way! Turn them on now!

[as the lights turn on, Zenigata is surprised to see the Egyptian police officers stationed there aiming guns]

Egyptian Police Chief:
Well, it appears I owe you an apology.

Inspector Zenigata:
Hey, what's with the guns, Chief?

Egyptian Police Chief:
[taken aback] Now, calm down...

Inspector Zenigata:
Look, this Lupin has to be taken alive! I thought I explained that?

Egyptian Police Chief:
How dare you!?

[the Egyptian police chief and Zenigata start wrestling]

Egyptian Police Chief:
You insolent...!

Inspector Zenigata:
Hey! You little...!

[Lupin and Jigen approach on a motorcycle as the fight continues]

Egyptian Police Officer:
Here he comes!

[Lupin's motorcycle knocks down some of the officers, to the surprise of Zenigata and the Egyptian police chief, and goes up a ramp]

Egyptian Police Chief:
Shoot! Shoot! Shoot him! FIRE!

Inspector Zenigata:
[shoves the Egyptian police chief aside with a triumphant laugh] There's no escape, Lupin! That passage goes right to the top!

Inspector Zenigata:
Ah! Ah, son of a b*tch! [the chase begins as Lupin takes off on his motorcycle with Zenigata giving chase by foot]

Lupin:
Hey, Pops! Take it easy! Exercise can be awfully dangerous at your age, you know!

Inspector Zenigata:
Shut up, you!

[Zenigata continues running after Lupin until he falls into a sand trap in his path]

Lupin:
Well, I warned you!

[Lupin, hidden behind a pillar, presents a rose for Fujiko]

Fujiko:
[gasps] Lupin?

Lupin:
[melodramatic] Alas… only what’s left of him.

Fujiko:
Hm. What exactly is that supposed to mean?

Lupin:
[walks out to her, wearing a formal dress suit] It means, my dear Fujiko, that you are a rose, and I have been pricked by the thorn of your indifference…

Fujiko:
The thorn of my indifference? Oh, brother…

Lupin:
[smells the rose] Fatally pricked, and now, almost completely wasted away, my darling.

Fujiko:
[chuckling] Fatally pricked, huh? You gotta love karma!

Lupin:
Yet, there is still one thing that could save me.

Fujiko:
What might that be?

Lupin:
If your petal-like lips would but caress my own unworthy sad ones, I might yet survive, my love.

Fujiko:
I would, but you know you’d just prick yourself all over again.

Lupin:
Boy, you’re all thorns. [throws the rose away] And after all I went through to get you that damn Stone!

Fujiko:
Now, don’t try to make me feel all… [gasps] are you saying you actually did it, Lupin?!

Lupin:
Why, of course. Here you are.

[Fujiko’s eyes widen as Lupin presents her the Philosopher’s Stone]

Fujiko:
Wow, you really did it!

[Lupin yanks the Stone away from Fujiko]

Lupin:
Hey! My God, look at you! You're not so indifferent right now, are you? I must say, I don't know why I bother. You know, Fujiko, at least I held up my end of the bargain. Well, didn't I? I got the thing for you, and no questions asked: like who you're in business with or anything, and what did I ask for in return? A little human consideration, just the pretense that you care about me; but apparently, it's too much to ask.

Jigen:
I got a sinking feeling about this...

Lupin:
You just gave me a great idea, buddy!

Lupin:
Hey, look who's got his game face on!

[Goemon slices the blades of the chopper pursuing them]

Goemon:
An unworthy target defiles the weapon.

[Lupin and his gang have returned to their hideout to find it destroyed]

Jigen:
Food, weapons… whoever the Hell these guys are, they’re real thorough.

Lupin:
Yeah, this wasn’t any accident.

Jigen:
[kicking debris] Son of a b*tch! Look, I’m just gonna spit it out. There’s no other possible explanation. Somebody had to have tipped them off, and there’s only one person that that can be. This is it, man; you’re just gonna have to choose between us and her!

Lupin:
Aw, c’mon, Jigen…

Goemon:
No, he’s right. Bad enough that your infantile addiction to this woman has consistently rendered you an unreliable business partner. But even now, as she conspires with others to have us killed, you continue to defend her! It shows that…

Lupin:
Please. Go on. Shows what?

Goemon:
…that you are a weak man of no conviction and no honour.

Lupin:
Hm!

Jigen:
Come on. You're being a little too harsh, aren't you, Goemon?

Goemon:
It is only natural for you to defend the actions of Lupin, especially since you are responsible for some of his sins as well.

Jigen:
What? Why, you pious jerk!

Goemon:
What?

[a standoff between Goemon and Jigen ensues]

Jigen:
Hm!

Goemon:
I've always wanted to slash that ridiculous hat of yours!

Jigen:
Huh? What was that?

Lupin:
Guys, come on!

Goemon:
It's probably hiding a bald spot as big as your ass!

Jigen:
Now that's it!

Lupin:
Hey, wait! Come on! Look! You're right, okay? I'll turn over a brand new leaf. The woman is... history! Word of honor! Now shake hands, and let's move on, okay? I said let's go, alright, guys?

Jigen:
US Navy. They weren’t kiddin’.

Goemon:
Outrageous. They cannot do this to us.

Jigen:
You don’t read the newspapers very much, do ya?

Gordon:
Stand up… now! This man is the Special Assistant to the President! [he presses a button, drawing down automated blinds] I said, stand!

Goemon:
Yes, we heard you.

Jigen:
Look. You guys went to a lot of trouble to get us here. Now why don’t we just cut the crap, and get to the point. [Gordon plays a taped recording of a conversation between US President George W. Bush and the Soviet Premier]

Gordon:
[clears his throat] Yes, well…

Soviet Premier:
Mr. President, I must protest, in the strongest possible terms, the blackmailing of my administration by yours.

US President:
Mr. Premier, I’m afraid I don’t…

Soviet Premier:
Please, don’t insult us further. We’ve been threatened with nuclear attack if we don’t hand over all classified research in biochemistry, sitology and biogenetics.

US President:
Mr. Premier, we just lost two communications satellites after receiving similar demands, and frankly, the capability for such a strike…

Soviet Premier:
Mr. President, surely you’re not accusing us.

US President:
Mr. Premier, I don’t know what to think.

Soviet Premier:
What has your intelligence turned out?

Mamo:
Gentlemen, if I may interrupt…

US President:
Who’s that?!

Mamo:
My name is Mamo. [Stuckey stops the tape]

Stuckey:
Now…

Jigen:
Yeah?

Stuckey:
The identification of that third voice is a matter of the utmost importance. Not only to this administration, but to the entire world. Please, listen carefully now. [he rewinds part of the tape, and continues playing]

Mamo:
My name is Mamo. I am the living embodiment of intelligence. A prophet… a God to you.

Soviet Premier:
You’re a madman!

US President:
He’s a terrorist! Whoever he is, what kind of a God threatens humanity with universal apocalypse if he doesn’t get his way?!

Mamo:
I heard you weren’t much of a student in your school days, Mr. President… but apparently, even the Bible you thump so shamelessly is the Reader’s Digest edition. [Gordon stops the tape]

Jigen:
Is that it?

Stuckey:
The rest is classified. But, as you heard the President himself confirm, this terrorist, whoever he is, clearly has the capacity to carry out his deadly threats.

Jigen:
“Mamo”? [lights a cigarette] You just heard him. So what have you got on him, anyway?

Stuckey:
Very little, apart from the fact that your friend, Mr. Lupin, appears to have been running some errands for him lately. Which is where you come in. Tell us the location of Mamo’s operation!

Jigen:
Hey. How in the Hell should we know?

Gordon:
Well… I’d suggest you think very hard! We’re able to lock people up without a trial these days, you know! [Jigen hands him Fujiko’s clue to Lupin’s whereabouts] Hm? What the Hell is this?!

Jigen:
Here's all I’ve got for ya. Broad who’s been playing him dropped it from a plane. It’s her handwriting.

Gordon:
And what does this mean?

Jigen:
It means you’re not completely clueless anymore.

Gordon:
[frustrated, he turns over the table, knocking Stuckey and Jigen backwards] Mess with me… [grabs Jigen by his shirt] Aaannd… you’re messing with America!

Jigen:
Oh yeah? Is that so? And which America would that be, exactly?!

Gordon:
Huh? Which one?

Jigen:
Yeah. The beacon of freedom and democracy, or the bastion of… blind arrogance?!

Gordon:
You... Democrat...!

Stuckey:
Gordon. I believe him. [whispers to Gordon] I suggest we check our other leads. [Gordon opens a door] Your country thanks you for your cooperation, Mr. Jigen. We will be in touch if we require anything further.

Gordon:
You keep your nose clean in the meantime! [closes the door]

Jigen:
[straightening his jacket] Hm! Call me a Democrat, will ya?

[Mamo shows Lupin and Fujiko surveillance footage of Jigen and Goemon]

Mamo:
[chuckling] Friends of yours, Lupin?

Fujiko:
Huh?!

Lupin:
How the Hell did they get here?!

Mamo:
Ah, but wait. There’s more!

[Inspector Zenigata, with a picture of Lupin, is shown questioning Laozi of his location]

Lupin:
Zenigata! [laughs] He always said he’d follow me into the depths of Hell!

Mamo:
Look. He’s interrogating Lao Tzu, the great ancient Philosopher.

Lupin:
Or some fruitcake who thinks he’s Lao Tzu…

Mamo:
It is Lao Tzu!

Lupin:
Okeydokey!

[Mamo shows them images of the people he has cloned]

Mamo:
Laugh if you will, but this is the work of 10,000 years. A masterwork, if I say so myself. The leading lights of science, philosophy, art. All under one roof, and all are perfectly real!

Lupin:
Hm! So, sort of a Noah's Ark?

Mamo:
Let’s just say that if you’ve never given any thought about the world, starting now would either be a particularly good idea, or a pathetically pointless one, if you catch my drift, Mr. Lupin.

Lupin:
Uh?!

Mamo:
Because the time is nigh, Mr. Lupin, but sadly the guest list is... quite short. Only the elite of history’s most brilliant and beautiful people!

Lupin:
[apparently deep in thought] Oh, uh... I'm sorry to hear that. [chuckles, then laughs hysterically]

Mamo:
I imagine you are.

Lupin:
[still laughing] No, I mean, it’s just after all that work – an ugly, demented gnome like you isn’t even eligible!

Mamo:
Huh. Quite annoying. That’s exactly what I’m talking about, my dear Fujiko. Obviously, eternal life would be wasted on a vulgarian like that man there.

Fujiko:
[put off by Mamo's statement] Hm.

Lupin:
[mistaking 'vulgarian' for 'vegetarian'] That’s not true. I eat meat!

Mamo:
He’s not even in our class. In fact, he’s barely in our species!

Fujiko:
Well, if Lupin can’t come along, I’m not interested.

Mamo:
Fujiko!

Fujiko:
No, Mamo. I'm sorry.

Lupin:
Hm?!

Fujiko:
He’s hard enough to take now. Imagine him all grumpy and flabby!

[Inspector Zenigata and his Police Commissioner are eating in a Japanese restaurant in Colombia, Zenigata is rapidly eating a bowl of rice]

Commissioner:
Inspector…

Inspector Zenigata:
[stops eating, surprised] Hm?

Commissioner:
I know you're famished, but…

Inspector Zenigata:
Huh?

Commissioner:
Well, people are staring!

Inspector Zenigata:
Sorry, sir, it's just that I've been living on my own earwax for a week, and er…

Commissioner:
Ah, spare me the details, Inspector. I understand. You suffered greatly, sacrificed greatly for this department, haven't you?

Inspector Zenigata:
I have! [mumbles, upset]

Commissioner:
There, there…

Inspector Zenigata:
[chomps on a radish, crying] You're so understanding! I don't… deserve a boss… like you… you're really the best! [breaks down in tears]

Commissioner:
[hands him a handkerchief] Here, thank you.

Inspector Zenigata:
[blows his nose] You've been patient, and generous, and kind, and I still haven't been able to capture Lupin! But I never, ever, give up!

Commissioner:
Yes, well, um…

Inspector Zenigata:
I'll never quit!

Commissioner:
It's all over.

Inspector Zenigata:
Huh?

Commissioner:
I’ve been sent all the way down here to Colombia just to order you off the case. Lupin’s gotten himself mixed up with some major players this time. I’m afraid it’s way over our heads, Inspector. It’s a matter for the diplomats at this point. Inspector…

Inspector Zenigata:
How can they… take me off this case?

Commissioner:
Well, as I said, the whole matter’s completely out of my hands. Oh! By the by… [hands a small document with Zenigata’s name on it] a little bonus pay for all your hard work.

Inspector Zenigata:
Uhhh…

Commissioner:
Token of our appreciation. What was your daughter’s name again, Toshiko? All grown up now, hm? [chuckles] Good life waiting for you back at home!

Inspector Zenigata:
But I’m the only one in the world who can catch Lupin!

Commissioner:
[grunts apologetically] I’m so sorry…

Inspector Zenigata:
[shouting] That’s not gonna cut it!

Commissioner:
Why, how dare you!

[Inspector Zenigata angrily growls, and tears up the bonus. He kicks away the table he and the Commissioner are eating at]

Inspector Zenigata:
Well then, I resign! I’ll chase the guy as a private citizen! [he storms out of the restaurant to the surprise of the customers, growling crazily] Outta my way!

Commissioner:
Inspector! Get back here! Are you mad?

[Inspector Zenigata stands on the outskirts of the city as the sun sets]

Inspector Zenigata:
[narrating] Okay, Lupin... this is IT! You, me! Sun of Colombia, ¡mano a mano!

Fujiko:
[referring to Mamo’s promise of eternal life] I can’t believe it. It was all a lie!

Lupin:
Maybe it wasn’t. I think he was researching immortality…

Jigen:
He’s just another wacky old rich guy.

Lupin:
Or a clone.

Jigen:
Say what?!

Lupin:
You said it yourself. The guy had the bucks to pull anything off! Technologically, it’s not a big deal anymore. Just a little dab of DNA’ll do ya, and theoretically, if you repeat the process over and over again, you – or, successive copies of you – could live forever.

Jigen:
Well, it certainly would explain the mystery of your dear departed doppelganger…

Lupin:
And a single strand of my hair is really all anybody would have needed to do it.

Jigen:
Anybody with a few billion dollars to play with...

[Jigen tries to prevent Lupin from confronting Mamo]

Jigen:
Don't be a friggin’ idiot!

Lupin:
That’s just it… I’d be an idiot if I didn’t go!

Jigen:
The world is full of women, Lupin.

Lupin:
It’s lousy with women. But not with love.

Mamo:
Yes. The process has its limitations.

Fujiko:
Limits?

Older Mamo Clone:
The transfer of the chromosomal data is never accomplished with complete fidelity. There are… anomalies, infinitesimally small in each case, but the cumulative effect of such - chaotic - pollution… can be observed after only a dozen or so generations, and what you see before you is a 130th generation facsimile. I am but a faint, distorted echo of myself.

Lupin:
But you were always distorted by your obsession.

Older Mamo Clone:
But is it not… everyone’s obsession? [dies]

Inspector Zenigata:
[laughs as he lifts the casket lid] Lupin, are you trying to obtain eternal life, like Dracula? Sorry, but everything has an end! [stakes the corpse, which promptly explodes. As he recognizes a very alive Lupin, he screams]

Lupin:
You're ferocious as usual, Pops.

Inspector Zenigata:
Lupin! Lupin! You're supposed to be dead!

Lupin:
So they say. I'm a little confused myself.

Inspector Zenigata:
He was the real Lupin. I swear he was.

Lupin:
Don't swear so easily! Then what am I?

Inspector Zenigata:
That's what I've come here to find out! [swings a piece of wood at Lupin, who dodges, commencing a chase. By the time Inspector Zenigata catches up, Lupin has already reached his escape vehicle]

Lupin:
Pops, I'll hear your story some other time. [takes off, chuckling] Take care!

Inspector Zenigata:
He's... He's... He is real! He is alive! He's alive!! [laughs] If you don't die, I don't die, either! This isn't over yet! I will follow you to the pits of Hell. I will carve your posthumous name on your bones with my own hand!

Inspector Zenigata:
Give it up, Lupin! You'll never get through this passage! Block the exits! Here! Over there! Why are you lounging around? Lupin's coming this way! Turn on the lights!

[as the lights turn on, Zenigata is surprised to see the Egyptian police officers stationed there aiming guns]

Egyptian Police Chief:
Well, your sixth sense was right.

Inspector Zenigata:
What are you trying to do here?

Egyptian Police Chief:
[taken aback] What do you mean?

Inspector Zenigata:
Do not fire until my order!

Egyptian Police Chief:
Enough!

[the Egyptian police chief and Zenigata start wrestling]

Egyptian Police Chief:
I'm sick of this. It interferes...

Inspector Zenigata:
If it's Lupin, it becomes...

[Lupin and Jigen approach on a motorcycle as the fight continues]

Egyptian Police Officer:
It's Lupin!

[Lupin's motorcycle knocks down some of the officers, to the surprise of Zenigata and the Egyptian police chief, and goes up a ramp]

Egyptian Police Chief:
Lupin! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!

Inspector Zenigata:
[shoves the Egyptian police chief aside with a triumphant laugh] Tricked you, Lupin. That passage only goes to the top.

Inspector Zenigata:
Ah! Damn! [the chase begins as Lupin takes off on his motorcycle with Zenigata giving chase by foot]

Lupin:
Pops, sudden exercise is bad for you.

Inspector Zenigata:
Wait!

[Zenigata continues running after Lupin until he falls into a sand trap in his path]

Lupin:
Well then, take care!

[Lupin, hidden behind a pillar, presents a rose for Fujiko]

Fujiko:
[gasps] Lupin. Isn't it Lupin?

Lupin:
[melodramatic] You are beautiful, Fujiko.

Fujiko:
Stop joking around, Lupin.

Lupin:
[walks out to her, wearing a formal dress suit] Don't be so cruel. The sweet nighttime breeze in Paris may have melted this cold-hearted soul of mine. [smells the rose] I thought I had elegantly transformed myself this evening.

Fujiko:
[chuckling] Looks like it. I'm not sure if it's elegantly or not.

Lupin:
Oh, sweet-smelling flower. You are a rose.

Fujiko:
You are old-fashioned.

Lupin:
The pain from your thorn is giving me pleasure, as well...because I love you.

Fujiko:
Enough with your acting. Then why don't we close our deal?

Lupin:
That's pretty cold. [throws the rose away] Actually, you have too many thorns.

Fujiko:
I'm in a hurry. [gasps] Or, Lupin, did you possibly...?

Lupin:
Don't be so hasty. Here it is.

[Fujiko’s eyes widen as Lupin presents her the Philosopher's Stone]

Fujiko:
Lupin, you did it!

[Lupin yanks the Stone away from Fujiko]

Lupin:
Hold it. Look how much more passion you show now! How disappointing. Disappointing. Really, really disappointing... I had to convince Jigen, and we endured so much to steal this. And look how you act. Or, Fujiko, are you gonna deal with someone else? Well, I promised not to ask why. So you need to keep your promise to go out with me.

[Lupin had just gotten out of the bathtub after his encounter with Fujiko goes supposedly awry]

Lupin:
Yikes! She got me! I'm still dizzy.

Jigen:
Pretending to be a playboy? Serves you right! If we caught her right away, this trouble could've been avoided.

Goemon:
Lupin, work and women cannot co-exist peacefully.

Lupin:
You're too nit-picky. This is all part of my strategy. [puts on the headphones Jigen had given him as Dunn searches for the signal planted on the Philosopher's Stone]

Jigen:
You seem to have incredible brain power!

Jigen:
Do you think we can escape?

Lupin:
Maybe I'll go underground.

Lupin:
Goemon! Cool!

[Goemon slashes the helicopter's blades in midair; the action freezes for a moment as Goemon reflects on the unworthiness of Zantetsuken's latest victim]

Goemon:
Once again, I slashed an unworthy object...

[Lupin and the gang exit the manhole after the helicopter Goemon had slashed blows up]

Lupin:
Compared to Goemon, we're not very cool!

Jigen:
They are no amateurs, you know.

Zenigata:
[laughing as he plummets towards the water] What awesome power!

[Lupin scrapes the leftovers from the pan while Fujiko sleeps]

Lupin:
Hmph! What the hell? You were seducing me mercilessly. I know I can't be Alain Delon, you know. Oh, how disgusting. I can't stomach that mushy mumbo jumbo. [He finishes the last of the food, throws down the pan and grabs a hatchet] Well, I'm done eating. Now I'll resort to more aggressive means!

[He slashes at Fujiko's bedroom door and breaks it down, then springs into her room, throws off cover and jumps straight out of his underwear, diving up and over in an arc at Fujiko. As he goes in for the landing, he finds himself getting woozy. He lands on the ground beside Fujiko, completely nude. Fujiko gently shakes him]

Fujiko:
Lupin? Lupin! [She realizes he's fast asleep and picks up the medicine bottle] I didn't know this medicine was so strong. [She takes a transmitter out of her bra and turns it on] Lupin, this is all for your own good.

Jigen:
[threatening Gordon] Is your name Flinchin, the dangling penis?

Fujiko:
[referring to Mamo's promise of eternal life] That's awful. Everything was a lie.

Lupin:
Not necessarily. I'm certain that he was doing some research on immortality.

Jigen:
Don't be ridiculous. That's impossible.

Lupin:
Cloning.

Jigen:
Huh? What?

Lupin:
It's a recently honed human-manufacturing technology. By taking a cell from someone's hair or any part of one's body, and giving it a little twist, you can create an exact look-alike. If you repeat this process, the same individual could live for an infinite length of time.

Jigen:
If that is true, then the guy who was you and got executed was...

Lupin:
From a single hair, you can make a copy...

[Jigen tries to prevent Lupin from confronting Mamo]

Jigen:
[raising his voice to a desperate yell] Don't go, Lupin!

Lupin:
I had my dream stolen. I have to go get it back.

Jigen:
Your dream is that woman?

[Lupin turns to Jigen and smiles]

Lupin:
You are so traditional. You really are.

[Jigen's lips part in surprise. He stands in shock and watches Lupin go]

Mamo:
[seeing Lupin come towards him on the treadmill] You're not afraid of dying, are you? I'll tell you this: The one executed was the copy. You are, indeed, the original Lupin. Now that you have closure... die! [He sends a barrage of lasers at Lupin. Lupin holds up the tip of the Zantetsuken and deflects the lasers back at him]

Lupin:
[in thought] Goemon, you saved me.

[Fujiko has escaped on Jigen's plane instead of Lupin]

Lupin:
Aye-yi-yi, she's awful.

Zenigata:
[laughing] That's how women are!

[An explosion occurs behind the two men, causing them to fall over. They get up and exchange glances]

Lupin:
Pops?

Zenigata:
So, let's get away for now!

Lupin:
Did we touch it?

Jigen:
We're in trouble. Let's hurry.

Lupin:
We can't just hurry through this. [Turns on visor, showing laser lines in the way.] 80 centimeters ahead.

Jigen:
OK. [Gives Lupin a 80 centimeter bar.] Lupin.

Lupin:
Huh?

Jigen:
So what about that matter?

Lupin:
Well, you know what? It looks like the me who got executed was the REAL me.

Jigen:
It sounds pretty fishy to me.

Lupin:
I agree. I started to feel like I'm not me. Well, I'll do something about it soon.

Inspector Zenigata:
First Unit, take the south passage! Second Unit and Third Units, block off the north passage!

Egyptian Police Chief:
Mr. Zenigata, on what authority are you acting?

Inspector Zenigata:
[shoving his megaphone into the Egyptian police chief's face] Trust my sixth sense! [climbs on top of the nearest vehicle] Lupin is inside for sure! Forward! Charge!

Jigen:
Damn! We have a bold enemy now.

Lupin:
Well, our hideout is in ten kilometers or so. [Jigen looks at him incredulously. Lupin returns a defensive look]

Jigen:
[threatening Gordon] Is your name Flichin, the dangling penis?

Gordon:
No, it's not. It's Gordon. You're Mr. Jigen, aren't you?

Jigen:
Don't say my name so casually. Why have you been sneaking around?

[American soldiers surround Jigen and reveal they have apprehended Goemon]

Jigen:
Goemon.

Gordon:
[takes Jigen's gun] Yes. Behave yourself and come with us.

Lupin:
Excuse me. May I ask you something? [freaks out upon seeing Napoleon Bonaparte's face, then bumps into Adolf Hitler and, recognizing the face, salutes him in a panic] Heil, Hitler! [relaxes after Hitler passes him by] What could this possibly mean?

Zenigata:
Even if I have to sacrifice my own body like an oyster, I will put an end to Lupin's life.

Lupin:
Now why don't we take time and enjoy?

Fujiko:
Hold on. I have to tell you something important.

Lupin:
Come on, come on. Why don't you?

Fujiko:
[enjoying it] No, no.

Lupin:
Come on.

Fujiko:
Oh, no! Help me...

[The two lovers don't realize they've ended up in Mamo's throne room. Mamo stares at them, outraged]

Lupin:
I'm losing control...

Fujiko:
Ah, I'm gonna tickle you! [tickles Lupin]

Lupin:
I'm ticklish... ticklish! I can't take it anymore, Fujiko! [Fujiko knees him in the crotch] Fujiko. Go along with me...

Mamo:
[finally at the end of his rope] That's enough!!

[The gang escape on the electric boat Jigen and Goemon had arrived in with an unconscious Lupin. Zenigata gets into a rowboat thinking it's attached.]

Zenigata:
I've already prepared for a scenario like this. [a different rowboat is pulled along instead] Huh? Damn! Stupid mistake! Then I will... [as he starts rowing his boat manually, the bombs dropped by Gordon and Stuckey start falling around him]

Lupin:
The Pharaohs said that eternal life, the dream of perpetual youth which the Emperor Xi searched for, is concealed in the Wiseman Stone, which has been handed down from time immemorial. Hm, I see.

Don Samurai:
Hm.

Dan Dunn:
Have you finished with your history lesson?

Lupin:
Don't be funny! I'm not studying 'cause I like it! You know that stone is not just a simple little pebble, don't you? [passes the books to Don Samurai and Dan Dunn] Ah, if you don't believe me, read it for yourself.

Don Samurai:
Someone's pulling our leg.

Dan Dunn:
I guess so. [drinks from his wine glass] Margo's getting smarter.

Don Samurai:
That's nothing unusual, it's just wasted time. [gets up]

Lupin:
Toilet?

Don Samurai:
Don't you try my patience! I'm leaving!

Lupin:
Samurai...

Dan Dunn:
I guess this is going to be the end.

Lupin:
Then we might as well go underground!

[Lupin and the gang exit the manhole after the helicopter Don Samurai had slashed blows up]

Lupin:
Compared to him, we're stumblebums!

Jigen:
Yeah... he's real different!

Detective Ed Scott:
[laughing as he plummets towards the water] Did you see that driving power?

Dan Dunn:
Huh, that's some enemy we have!

Lupin:
Yeah, our nest is only ten kilometers from here. [Dan Dunn looks at him incredulously. Lupin returns a defensive look]

Dan Dunn:
[threatening Gordon] And you must be the one called Flintstone?

Gordon:
No, you're wrong. My name is Gordon. You must be Dan Dunn?

Dan Dunn:
Don't bandy my name about! And what do you want, tailing me like this?

[American soldiers surround Dan Dunn and reveal they have apprehended Don Samurai]

Dan Dunn:
Don Samurai?

Gordon:
[takes Dan Dunn's gun] Well, you'd better come quietly.

Lupin:
Uh, excuse me, but could you... huh? [freaks out upon seeing Napoleon Bonaparte's face, then bumps into Adolf Hitler and, recognizing the face, salutes him in a panic] Heil Hitler! [relaxes after Hitler passes him by] Well, now! You never know these days...

Detective Scott:
Even if I have to disguise myself as an oyster, I'm determined to put an end to Lupin.

Lupin:
Ah, it's time for us to have a little fun!

Margo:
No, wait, you! I've got something to tell you.

Lupin:
Come on, you don't mind, do you? The time is ripe.

Margo:
[enjoying it] No!

Lupin:
Darling...

Margo:
No! Someone help me...

[The two lovers don't realize they've ended up in Mamaux's throne room. Mamaux stares at them, outraged]

Lupin:
Oh, I don't think it's possible to behave now! [Margo tickles Lupin] Oh, that's ticklish! Oh, I've gotten to the point of no return, Margo! You've got to do something! [Margo knees him in the crotch] Do something, Margo, come on!

Mamaux:
[finally at the end of his rope] NOW, BOTH OF YOU STOP IT!

[The gang escape on the electric boat Dan Dunn and Don Samurai had arrived in with an unconscious Lupin. Detective Scott gets into a rowboat thinking it's attached.]

Detective Ed Scott:
I expected this might happen, so I'm well-prepared in advance! [a different rowboat is pulled along instead] Huh? Oh, what did I do? What a blunder! Well, there's nothing else to do... [as he starts rowing his boat manually, the bombs dropped by Gordon and Gissinger start falling around him] OH, NO!

Lupin:
According to ancient Egyptian texts, the Pharaohs believed that the secret of eternal youth was contained in the legendary... Philosopher's Stone, a jewel for which men have searched since time immemorial.

Jigen:
Heh. If you buy that, I've got some Siberian beachfront property on sale.

Lupin:
I know it's nuts, but someone believes it! That's why Fujiko wanted it so bad. [passes the books to Goemon and Jigen] Here, take a look. It's all in there.

Goemon:
The woman is pulling your leg, Lupin.

Jigen:
He'd rather she pull something else. [drinks from his wine glass]

Goemon:
This is pointless. We watch sparrows while eagles pass overhead. [gets up]

Lupin:
Come again?

Goemon:
This business is unworthy of me.

Lupin:
Hey, come on!

[Lupin and the gang exit the manhole after the helicopter Goemon had slashed blows up]

Jigen:
At least we're alive...

Lupin:
NO THANKS TO YOU!

Zenigata:
[laughing nervously as he plummets towards the water] What am I laughing about?

Jigen:
These guys are sure persistent.

Lupin:
We'll just have to reach our hideout. It's only about twenty kilometers from here. [Jigen looks at him incredulously. Lupin returns a defensive look]

Jigen:
[threatening Gordon] Sorry. I don't mean to be rude, but I got this thing about being followed.

Gordon:
I'm Special Agent Gordon, and I'm warning you, Jigen, take it easy; you're in way over your head.

Jigen:
Really? You don't say, huh?

[American soldiers surround Jigen and reveal they have apprehended Goemon]

Jigen:
On the other hand...

Gordon:
[takes Jigen's gun] Yeah. People are waiting; we don't want to be late.

Lupin:
Excuse me, officer... [freaks out upon seeing Napoleon Bonaparte's face, then bumps into Adolf Hitler and, recognizing the face, salutes him in a panic] Heil, mein Führer! [relaxes after Hitler passes him by] First Napoleon, then Hitler? It's gotta be a dream, 'cause none of it's true.

Zenigata:
That thief can't get away from me. I'll track him down, even if I have to play nursemaid to a barnacle to do it.

Lupin:
Now, where were we? [He growls seductively]

Fujiko:
Whoa, there, tiger. This is no time for that.

Lupin:
Aw, baby, how can you say that? You're here... I'm here...

Fujiko:
[enjoying it] Stop it now.

Lupin:
It's kismet!

Fujiko:
Come on. This floor is freezing.

[The two lovers don't realize they've ended up in Mamo's throne room. Mamo stares at them, outraged]

Lupin:
I can't help it. There's something about an elevator. Must be the up-and-down motion. I lose all self-control. [Fujiko tickles him] Don't do that. Don't get me wrong. [Fujiko knees him in the crotch] It's your mind I love.

Mamo:
[finally at the end of his rope] All right, you two, that's quite enough of that!

[The gang escape on the electric boat Jigen and Goemon had arrived in with an unconscious Lupin. Zenigata gets into a rowboat thinking it's attached.]

Zenigata:
I thought you simple-minded crooks might try something like this! I'm ready for ya! [a different rowboat is pulled along instead] Not again! Why me? What's a guy gotta do to get a break around here? [as he starts rowing his boat manually, the bombs dropped by Gordon and Gissinger start falling around him] Oh sh... [He panics and dives into the water. As shells fall around him, he clings to one, squealing like a little girl]

[Wolf had just gotten out of the bathtub after his encounter with Fujiko goes supposedly awry]

Wolf:
Cor, what a sucker! What a real knockout that perfume was.

Jigen:
Serves you right for playing the macho man; simpler to have just given Fujiko the Stone.

Goemon:
Wolf, business and women are a pink and purple colour scheme.

Wolf:
God knows what that means. I only want to say, I planned it all this way and it's working. [puts on the headphones Jigen had given him as Jigen searches for the signal planted on the Wiseman Stone]

Jigen:
Ah, the man's an undead megabrain.

Jigen:
This is it, Wolf! We're dead!

Wolf:
We'll put ourselves six feet underground, then!

[Wolf and the gang exit the manhole after the helicopter Goemon had slashed blows up]

Wolf:
We ain't in the same league as Fujiko's boss!

Jigen:
No contest.

Detective Zenigata:
[laughing as he plummets towards the water] You don't run me down as easy as that!

Jigen:
It's time we started taking the opposition seriously.

Wolf:
Yeah. Maybe it's time to hole up for a while. [Jigen looks at him incredulously. Wolf returns a defensive look]

[Wolf scrapes the leftovers from the pan while Fujiko sleeps]

Wolf:
Hey, this is what I call real quality time, don't you? Yeah, of course you didn't give little Wolf the eye! OK, so I'm not Keanu Reeves, and I'm not some Latin gigolo in a smooth silk suit - I'm just your average thief, that's all! [He finishes the last of the food, throws down the pan and grabs a hatchet] Well, that big bad Wolf's got feelings. Let me in little piggy, or I'll blow your house in! [He slashes at Fujiko's bedroom door and breaks it down, then springs into her room, throws off cover and jumps straight out of his underwear, diving up and over in an arc at Fujiko] Here I come! [As he goes in for the landing, he finds himself getting woozy. He lands on the ground beside Fujiko, completely nude. Fujiko gently shakes him]

Fujiko:
Wolf? Are you OK? [She realizes he's fast asleep and picks up the medicine bottle] The stuff I put in your food must've been stronger than I thought. [She takes a transmitter out of her bra and turns it on] I'm doing all this for your own good, Wolfie baby.

Jigen:
[threatening Gordon] You ain't called Flinch, by any chance?

Gordon:
You think that name would suit me, riff? Gordon's more my style, but I don't think Jigen's really yours.

Jigen:
Hey, watch your mouth! I'm kinda used to Jigen!

[American soldiers surround Jigen and reveal they have apprehended Goemon]

Jigen:
Hi there, guys.

Gordon:
[takes Jigen's gun] That's right, so don't give us any trouble, OK?

Wolf:
Excuse me, could you tell me the way to... [freaks out upon seeing Napoleon Bonaparte's face] Waterloo? [bumps into Adolf Hitler and, recognizing the face, salutes him in a panic] Heil Schicklgruber! [relaxes after Hitler passes him by] Interesting. A bit frightening, too.

Zenigata:
Even if I have to disguise myself as a limpet, I'm determined to finish Wolf.

Wolf:
Now, where were we?

Fujiko:
No, wait! I've got something I want to say.

Wolf:
Nothing like an elevator shaft to turn me on!

Fujiko:
[enjoying it] No, Wolf, please stop!

Wolf:
Come on!

Fujiko:
If you don't stop it, I may scream! [does that]

[The two lovers don't realize they've ended up in Mamo's throne room. Mamo stares at them, outraged]

Fujiko:
Oh dear, I don't think anyone heard! What shall I do?

Wolf:
Oh, let me have a little nibble just there!

Fujiko:
No. [tickles Wolf]

Wolf:
Oh, your neck's oh so kissable!

Fujiko:
[knees Wolf in the crotch] Oh, my... [unintelligible]

Wolf:
[unintelligible]

Mamo:
[finally at the end of his rope] Ew, this is puke-inducing!

[The gang escape on the electric boat Jigen and Goemon had arrived in with an unconscious Wolf. Zenigata gets into a rowboat thinking it's attached.]

Zenigata:
What they don't know is that I foresaw this and prepared things in advance! [a different rowboat is pulled along instead] Huh? [unintelligible] I don't care, I'll still get ya! Allons-y! [as he starts rowing his boat manually, the bombs dropped by Gordon and Gissinger start falling around him] AHH! NO!

[Lupin had just gotten out of the bathtub after his encounter with Fujiko goes supposedly awry]

Lupin:
Hm... ah, now that feels a lot better!

Jigen:
So if we'd done things my way to start with...

Lupin:
Hm?

Jigen:
Oh, what the hell, never mind!

Goemon:
Right. Don't forget that Lupin is a masochist, Jigen.

Lupin:
Come on. That's not true. I do not enjoy being made a fool of.

Jigen:
[trying to get a signal on the hidden transmitter] Well, you sure do fake it pretty good.

Lupin:
Eternal life! Immortality! That's got to be it--mankind's most fervent desire! The Pharaohs, Emperors of China, they were all obsessed with finding the Philosopher's Stone! Look, that was supposed to be the key!

Jigen:
So Professor, is all this stuff gonna be on the test?

Lupin:
Fine! Be that way! I just thought you might wanna know why people are gonna be trying to kill ya! [passes the books to Goemon and Jigen] Look--here!

Goemon:
It is just a colorful myth.

Jigen:
Absolutely. [drinks from his wine glass] Of course, Fujiko wants to believe in it.

Goemon:
A major waste of effort for all of us again! [gets up]

Lupin:
Hitting the can?

Goemon:
No. I'm out of this. I'm going home.

Lupin:
Goemon...!

[Lupin and the gang exit the manhole after the helicopter Goemon had slashed blows up]

Lupin:
I'm now officially NOT HAPPY!

Jigen:
Guys are no amateurs.

Inspector Zenigata:
[laughing as he plummets towards the water] Watch out, Lupin!

Jigen:
Apparently, somebody didn't get the joke.

Lupin:
Yeah. Luckily, we're only about ten miles from the safe house we just bought.

Jigen:
[looks at Lupin incredulously] Yeah?

[Lupin returns a defensive look]

[Lupin finishes the food while Fujiko sleeps]

Lupin:
Typical! You all want to be the center of a guy's universe. But as soon as he actually acts like it, it's "Oh, I didn't mean like that. I mean, adoring me is fine, but wanting me's kind of icky." [He finishes the food and throws down the pan, grabbing a hatchet] Well... we can drivel about love vs. desire all night. But I think... we can both agree that you drive me crazy! [He slashes at Fujiko's door]

Fujiko:
Lupin, what are you...? [Lupin breaks the door down completely and springs inside, laughing maniacally] Lupin, now just...! [Lupin throws off Fujiko's cover and jumps straight out of his underwear, diving up and over in an arc at Fujiko. As he goes in for the landing, he finds himself getting woozy. He lands on the ground beside Fujiko, completely nude. Fujiko gently shakes him] Lupin? Lupin! [She picks up a medicine bottle] I didn't know this stuff was so damn potent. [Lupin begins to snore softly. Fujiko gets out a transmitter from her bra and turns it on] This is all for your own good, lover.

Jigen:
[threatening Gordon] You're not my type, so just take off.

Gordon:
Listen! Just hear me out! My name's Gordon, yours is Jigen, isn't that right?

Jigen:
Yeah? So what, huh? Hm?

[American soldiers surround Jigen and reveal they have apprehended Goemon]

Jigen:
What the...? Goemon?!

Gordon:
[takes Jigen's gun] That's right. Just relax and come along with me.

Lupin:
Uh, excuse me, could you...? [freaks out upon seeing Napoleon Bonaparte's face] Huh... [bumps into Adolf Hitler and, recognizing the face, salutes him in a panic] Heil, mein Führer!

Hitler:
Hmm...

[Lupin relaxes after Hitler passes him by]

Lupin:
Hm? Hm, no way. It can't be true.

Zenigata:
Just think of me as the barnacle on your butt, Lupin, 'cause that's what I am!

Lupin:
Now, where were we?

Fujiko:
Hold on, Lupin. I have to tell you something.

Lupin:
It can wait! Come on now...

Fujiko:
[enjoying it] No, please, I'm serious!

Lupin:
Come on!

Fujiko:
No, stop! Ooh...

[The two lovers don't realize they've ended up in Mamo's throne room. Mamo stares at them, outraged]

Lupin:
It's all right, baby, we're all alone. [Fujiko tickles him] No fair! Cut it out! Resistance... [Fujiko knees him in the crotch] ...is futile!

Mamo:
[finally at the end of his rope] IF YOU TWO ARE QUITE FINISHED!

[The gang escape on the electric boat Jigen and Goemon had arrived in with an unconscious Lupin. Zenigata gets into a rowboat thinking it's attached.]

Zenigata:
You guys think you're so smart, but this time I'm way ahead of ya! [a different rowboat is pulled along instead] Huh? What? How in the hell...?! I can't believe it! I'm not beat yet, ya hear? [as he starts rowing his boat manually, the bombs dropped by Gordon and Starky start falling around him] OH, NO! [He squeals and dives into the water. As shells fall around him, he clings to one, screaming like a little girl]