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Nature Guy: Hey stranger. Nice day we're having here. Nature Guy #2: Perfect weather. Can't complain. [two nature guys does sexy hip movements afterwards] – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 28 days ago
[after saving the old people from the conductor that day] Chris Monsanto: Wanted to see me, Chief. Chief: Great job on the case, Monsanto. I got another one for ya. It's gruesome murder-suicide in a two-bedroom duplex on Orchard Street. Blood and brain matter all over the California-king-size bed. Chris Monsanto: Southern exposure? Chief: You better believe it. You earned it. Chris Monsanto: You know something? You're right. [looks at the viewers] I did earn it. [man grunts as Chris' winks] – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 28 days ago
[Brett watches a war with dub sounds] Voice: [monotone] Shoot. Shoot. Aah. Explosion. Get him! Shoot! Brett Mobley: This sucks. Voice: [monotone] War! Ow! – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 28 days ago
[as Chris defeats the conductor that conducts the old people to mimick noises on screen, Bud was dying] Chris Monsanto (as Crisp): Oh, hang in there, pal. Hang in there. Bud: We sure gave them a hell of a run, didn't we, kiddo? Chris Monsanto (as Crisp): Yeah. Yeah, we did, Bud. We did. Bud: See you on the top floor, Crisp. [dies] Chris Monsanto (as Crisp): Okay, ugh. I don't need this on me right now. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 28 days ago
[as Chris goes into a bathroom, one of Bud's folks comes in] Old Guy: Well, look who it is. I guess we're gonna be "bathroom buddies". Chris Monsanto (as Crisp): No. No, no. No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. Crisp Monsanto does not share toilets. No. Chris Monsanto (as Crisp): It's time to check out of this dump...and check into hotel vengeance. [dramatic music plays] Old Guy: [laughs] – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 28 days ago
[Bud sees his wife still alive while making mimic noises] Bud: Evelyn. You're not dead! Evelyn: Boom, boom, meow. Bud: It's Bud. Say "It's Bud". Evelyn: Arf, arf, crackle. [spits Bud] – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 28 days ago
[a video plays when Chris and Bud's old folks were trapped into some sound studio] Mickey Rooney: Hello. I'm Mickey Rooney. Mickey Rooney, not Mickey Mouse. [weird laugh] Sooner or later, I know that you're gonna ask yourselves, "Where the heck am I"? You're in studio, a Hollywood studio. What a thrill. You know, you -- You can be a star yourself. "With what"? you say? With your wattle. [gaggle] It's right here. [gaggle continues] [the video shows an old guy mimicking the sounds of animals and others, but its just cranky grunts] Mickey Rooney: You know, making sounds can be expensive. Folks like you and me and our wattle can save company's millions! Right here. Thank you. You can all sit down now, and we'll show you to your rooms. Sleep tight. [the video ends] Bud: I don't like this, Crisp. We gotta find a way outta here. Follow me. Chris Monsanto (as Crisp): Yeah. Okay, Bud. Um, listen. I'm just, uh, gonna go take a nap in my complimentary room. If you're not back by 5, I'll assume I can eat your dinner, right? – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 28 days ago
[Chris and the old folks hear some ragtime music] Bud: Listen. You guys hear that? Chris Monsanto: Oh, yeah. You know what that is? That's the new Kevin Eubanks album. It's very hot. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 28 days ago
[Bud sees the waitress' butt] Bud: And now for a little desert. Chris Monsanto: Yeah. I'd like to get me a piece of that, if you know what I mean. BOOM shaka-laka-laka! BOOM shaka-laka! Want to just get in there and MMM! [laughs] Just like go at it, you know? Take a little of that and put it on a cracker and just go [chomps loudly] Get right in there, you know what I mean? And just [growls] [Bud gets tired of the sex joke already] – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 28 days ago
Old Guy: Only then do you take the toothpick out of the sandwich. I mean, it holds the club sandwich together. [Chris and Bud's old folks laugh] Old Guy: You know, I haven't heard from my kids in years. Bud: [sad] Oh. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 28 days ago
Bud: Me and the guys are hitting the town for a little lunch. Uh, you care to join us? Chris Monsanto (as Crisp): Are you buying? Bud: No... [pulls out a check] [singsong] but the government is. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
Bud: Hey, you're the new guy? Chris Monsanto (as Crisp): Yeah, I guess so. Bud: This looks just like my room, except I have a kitchenette. Chris Monsanto (as Crisp): A kitchenette? Bud: Yeah, Evelyn loved to cook. [shows him a picture] My wife. She passed away. Chris Monsanto (as Crisp): Wait a second. So Evelyn dies, and you got to keep the kitchenette? Bud: Yeah. [laughs] – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
Doc Gardner: Chris...we're gonna use all the technology at our disposal to transform you into an old man. Now, the first thing we're gonna do is surgically damage your bladder. Now, if it's successful, you should feel the need to urinate about every 30 minutes. Doc Gardner: Then, we'll cut off your oxygen supply to induce a low-level dementia. Next, we'll hollow out all your bones so that they're nice and brittle. Doc Gardner: And finally, we'll give you a white wig, like an old man. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
Chris Monsanto: So, Chief, I think I'm gonna hang in the office for a little while. Why don't you, um, have your assistant send up some fresh linens, the Miami Herald, and the Cleveland plain dealer? That's all. Chief: The answer is absolutely no, Monsanto. This isn't a hotel, damn it. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
Susie Wagner: Chief said no more sleeping at crime scenes. You need to pack up your stuff and leave. Chris Monsanto: Oh, Susie, you know perfectly well that this is how I solve cases. I sleep here until the solution comes to me in a dream, which takes about three or four weeks. Susie Wagner: Everyone knows you're locked out of your apartment. Just pay your landlady the rent and get out of here. Chris Monsanto: Oh, just pay the rent? That's what you would do? [scoffs] Well, obviously you don't know a couple of things. For starters, my landlady refuses to provide me with an in-home tanning machine, which is how I do my cooking. And until these amenities -- [Susie throws a beer can at Chris] Susie Wagner: Leave! Chris Monsanto: Alright, Susie. You know what that's called? Tampering with evidence. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
[before Doolan was about to kill Brett, Brett gets some help from a wise friend] Pencil: Looks like you could use a little help. Brett Mobley: PENCIL! Pencils: Looks like you could use a little more help! [as the pencils kill Doolan's gang, it then turns out it was all an imagination in Brett's head where Brett originally stabs Doolan to death with a pencil] Brett Mobley: Thanks, pencil! [mimicking the pencil] You're welcome, Brett. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
[Brady tries to kiss Susie] Susie Wagner: What is wrong with you? Brady Giles: Come on! YOU'VE BEEN FLIRTING ME UP EVER SINCE I STARTED THIS GIG! – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
[Doolan uses Brett as a human bat] Chris Monsanto: Brett? What are you doing here, Brett? Brett Mobley: Oh, hi, Chris. I joined Doolan's gang. I'm his bat now. Chris Monsanto: Brett, come on, now. You -- You don't have to do this, Brett. Brett Mobley: But it's all I'm good for. Chris Monsanto: Don't you see? You're -- You're a mindless sack of doorknobs whose only talent is -- Is taking commands from somebody else, but, Brett that's a wonderful attribute to have, pal. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
Chief: You really let us down, Monsanto. Doolan got away. It was an utter flame. Chris Monsanto: You know, Chief, I think you'd be singing a different tune of old "Claws Kinski" over here had let me use him as a human bat. Chief: Over the line, Chris. That man is deformed. Brady Giles: That's alright. He's just a little steamed because I'm the first who wouldn't lie down and get stiff for him. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
[after the robbery] Brett Mobley: Hey, guys, just off the top of my old spaghetti, next time we rob a bank, we should take the money with us before we leave. Goon: [to Doolan] Can I waste him? Doolan: Not yet. We can still use him for something. Doolan: Brett, I want you to tell me everything to know about the Marshals' office. What kind of firepower do they have? What are their intelligence capabilities? Brett Mobley: Hmm, let me see. The Marshals' office. Uh, oh. The toilet clogs if you flush too many magazines. Doolan: I see. My god. I see. You really are good for nothing. Well...almost nothing. [Brett still crunching them cigars] – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
Brady Giles: I'm jammed. Chris Monsanto: Okay, I got an idea. Um, lie down. Come on. Hey, lie down. Brady Giles: No! Hands off me, queerbones! Chris Monsanto: That's it. That's it. Brady Giles: I don't crawl that way! Chris Monsanto: Come on, you're my new bat! [Doolan's gang escaped] Chris Monsanto: Great. Nice job, crab boy. Doolan just got away. Brady Giles: F* you, Edward Fingerhands. Chris Monsanto: God, you suck. – Eagleheart** (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
[as Doolan's gang rob a bank] Doolan: Mr. Horse, make sure no one trips the alarm. Brett Mobley: [to the civilians] Uh, fyi, guys, we're gonna be using code names based on animals. So don't shout an animal, or we might get confused, like if you say "dog", I might think you're talking about Mr. Dog, my good friend right over here, Carlos Ruiz. Carlos Ruiz: What are you doing, man? Brett Mobley: Oh, nothing, Mr. Dog -- Uh, sorry -- Carlos Ruiz. Doolan: It's the police Let's get away! [door rattles] Why is this door locked? Brett Mobley: Oh, I locked it to keep the cops out. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
Chief: Chris, Susie, I want you to meet Brett's replacement, Brady Giles. Chris Monsanto: Ah, how you doin', handsome? [gives him a handshake] Brady Giles: The f* am I supposed to do with that? Chris Monsanto: ... Brady Giles: Relax. I'm just clawing with ya. I like to give people the business -- The lobster business -- On account of my fing claws. Brady Giles:* Here let me help you with that. [Brady opens Chris' bottle with his lobster claws] Chris Monsanto: Wow! Geez, we get Brett's replacement, and as a bonus, he's a freak, too. Chief: Brady, I want you to meet your other partner, Susie. Brady Giles: Ooh, yeah, would I like to pinch those fun bags -- Snap, snap, snap. Susie Wagner: If you touch me, I will snap, snap, snap your head off. Brady Giles: Mm, yum, yum. Daddy likey. Snap snap. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
Chris Monsanto: Hey, has anyone seen Brett's mouth? I need his teeth. When I got this, I thought it was a twist-off. [referring to his soda bottle] – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago

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