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[Chris tells Susie and Brett the truth about swingers] Chris Monsanto: And so the swinger movement is actually a vast underground organization of antigovernment militias. Plus, as it turns out, they're kind of all gross-looking. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Chuck: Crince, I love you like a brother...with benefits. It's about time I showed you something that not everybody gets a chance to see. [Chuck shows Crince his secret guns in a secret room] Chris Monsanto: Hey, are these those new sex guns I read about in Mother Jones? Chuck: Chris, if you enjoy personal freedom like we do, you have to be willing to fight and even die to protect it. Louise: Swingers across the country are in a fight to the death with the nog-occupied government. Chris Monsanto: Nog? Dan: Monogamous! The enemies of freedom. They want to take away our actual rights that our founding fathers found. Louise: That's why us swingers must rise up and overthrow the nogs so that we can create a swingocracy. It's all detailed in here. [Louise gives Crince a book about Protocols of the Elders of Swinging] Chuck: We're days away from striking. We're gonna take out City Hall, where thousands of people apply for marriage licenses. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Chris Monsanto: [narrating] We were in too deep to change our story, but the theme rooms were a good way to stall. Plus, business was booming. As soon as the theme rooms came in, everything changed. Attendance was up %40 in the first month alone. Suddenly, everyone was swinging -- Even those you'd least expect. Chris Monsanto: Dan was having a field day. We were part of a family, but it couldn't be forever. Sooner or later, someone was gonna figure out we weren't doing any actual swinging. To avoid being Dan-handled, I often had to hide in this voiceover-themed room. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[White Goatee Guy introduces Ambrosia Club] Chuck: This is the bar. We got juices, tonic. No alcohol. We don't have our liquor license. And this is the rumpus room. We got a steamy pool table and a beanbag chair. Chuck: And that hot piece of tail being manhandled by that weird-looking dude is my wife, Louise. Hey, hon! I want you to meet some new friends. Louise: Oh! What do you think of the place? Susie Wagner: Uh...I love the color scheme. Chuck: Thank you. We bought the paint at Lowe's -- That new one, across town. And speaking of new lows, it would be my honor to do you while I watch your husband get it on my wife while my buddy Samuel watches and masturbates, milady. Chris Monsanto: Okay. You know, Chuck, we'd be happy to do a lot of really sickening things with you two monsters, but I got to tell ya, this place -- Well, it's just not up to our very discerning swinging specifications. Brett Mobley: [to Chris] What are you doing? You're blowing it. Samuel's good to go. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[Chris, Susie, and Brett head to the Ambrosia Club] Susie Wagner: Chris, I think this is a Swingers club. Chris Monsanto: Yeah. Finally, a little spice. Chuck: Behold -- A garden of pure pleasure. [as Chuck opens the door to the Ambrosia Club, it was not what Chris expected to be like, where it reveals to be a simple room with boring guests] Dan: [naked wearing a pantie] Looks like you guys hungry. My name's Dan. Breakfast, lunch, dinner -- Bam, bam. Chris Monsanto: Disgusting. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[Susie found a note from their doorstep] Susie Wagner: "We know who you are. Come to 487 Broad Street tonight if you know what's good for you". Susie Wagner: Do you think the Albanians have found us? – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[Chris still shame at the Elmwood people who called them swingers] Chris Monsanto: What a bunch of stiffs in this town. [to Brett and Susie] You two must feel right at home, huh? [chuckles] Yeah. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[Chris, Susie, and Brett head to the market while staying undercover] Chris Monsanto: Alright, what else does our horny little family need? Ah -- Tinfoil. [to employee] Excuse me. Um, could you recommend a brand a tinfoil for swingers. Market Employee: We only sell family foil here. Why don't you three go shop somewhere else? Guy: You swingers aren't wanted in Elmwood Park. Woman: Why don't you go back to the big city, with the other perverts? Chris Monsanto: Shame on you. Shame on all of you. Our lifestyle is both beautiful and sensual. What happened to "Different strokes for different folks"? Come on, Brenda. We'll buy your diet popsicles at a more open-minded establishment. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[Susie and Chris meet their new neighbors] Patty Goodman: Hi! Welcome to Elmwood Park! Chris Monsanto: [to Susie] Well. Who are your new friends here, sweety bride? Stan Goodman: I'm Stan Goodman, and this is my wife, Patty. Chris Monsanto: Stan and Patty. Well, The Goodmans. [fake chuckle] That's cute. I'm, uh, Crince, and this is, uh, my bride, Brenda. [Brett arrives wearing a towel with no clothes] Brett Mobley: Hey. Chris Monsanto: Oh, I-I'm sorry. That's uh... [clears throat] that's Bruce. Stan and Patty: ... Chris Monsanto: He's our male sex companion. Susie Wagner: ... Stan Goodman: You're a threesome? Susie Wagner: [goes with it] Y-Yes. Chris Monsanto: Are you two polyamorous? Patty Goodman: No. We are not. And no one else in this neighborhood is, either. Chris Monsanto: Alright, well, look, if you ever change your minds, come on back. We could always use an extra slice of lettuce in our sex sandwich. Stan Goodman: A-Actually, uh, I think it would be best if we just...kept our distance. Brett Mobley: Bye! [Stan and Patty leaves] Susie Wagner: So, are we swingers now? Chris Monsanto: Yes, we're swingers. Susie Wagner: I'm gonna go vomit. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[doorbell rings] Chris Monsanto: Oh, hopefully, that's the Albanians, come to blow my brains out. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[while Chris and Susie go undercover with their new identities while living in a safe house] Susie Wagner: We should go check out the mall. Chris Monsanto: [bored] Susie Wagner: I hear they have a pants store. Chris Monsanto: I can't take this place anymore. I'm gonna go to the garage and see if there's anything I can huff. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Chief: That hit was ordered by this man -- Adnan Zagreda. Chris Monsanto: Wow. He's putting out more hits than Adelina Ismalji. [chuckles] Susie Wagner: ... Chris Monsanto: The Albanian pop star. Chief: Unfortunately, no one from the restaurant was willing to testify, which makes you three our only witnesses. Susie Wagner: Well, you can count on us, Chief. I'm gonna sing like a canary. Brett Mobley: And I'm gonna squeal like a rat. Chris Monsanto: Alright, well, I think you're covered with two witnesses. Good. Great. I'll see ya. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[Chris gets ready to shoot Adnan] Chris Monsanto: Easy, Monsanto. You made a New Year's resolution not to shoot anybody in the back. [sees a motorcycle guy ahead] Chris Monsanto: Nothing personal, Fonzarelli. [Chris shoots the motorcycle guy, doing a chain reaction by making Adnan tripping over a motorcycle] Chris Monsanto: [unenthusiastically] Freeze. You're under arrest for the murder of Zamyr Ristani and his two henchmen. And, to be honest, I'm gonna have to pin the murder of that motorcycle guy on you, too. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[Raki Manash comes in with a shotgun and fires Zamyr Ristani and his crew, while Chris is watching them die by literally doing nothing until Rami leaves the restaurant] Chris Monsanto: I'll be right back. Uh, order me some quofte, a bean jahni soup, and some, uh... [gun cocks] ...Raki Manash, hold the mulberries. Thank you. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Chris Monsanto: Ah. Look who's over there. Zamyr Ristani and his crew -- Albanian Mafia. Susie Wagner: Word is, tensions are flaring up between rival factions. Could mean a lot of bloodshed. Chris Monsanto: Susie...Albanians, bloodshed. I don't think so. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Chris Monsanto: Well, all I can say is "T.G.I.F.F.F." -- Thank god it's Foreign Food Friday. Brett Mobley: You always plan the best theme nights, buddy. Chris Monsanto: Well... Brett Mobley: So, what do they got here -- Like, Albanian-style twizzlers? Susie Wagner: I'm just gonna get some white rice. Chris Monsanto: Oh, geez. You guys are so uncultured. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[Chris defeats the Conti Twins into a Nutricai Juice Presser] Chris Monsanto: Well, folks, uh, looks like the Conti Twins have switched from doublemint to juicy fruit. Susie Wagner: Congratulations, Chris. You killed the Conti Twins. Chris Monsanto: Wrong again, Susie. [as Chris opens up the juice presser, the Contri Twins have become one] Brett Mobley: F*. Chief: Where'd the other Conti go? Chris Monsanto: But, Chief, this is both Contis. Chief: Both Contis? Chris Monsanto: You see, Chief, the Contis, like all twins, were inherently evil because they were each only half a person. But by smooshing Danny and Joshy together, I turned two half-scumbags into one complete, decent human being...who may or may not have severe mental problems. – Eagleheart** (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[Nutricai commercial plays] Person: Wow! You made that much money selling some fruit drink? Person #2: It's not just another fruit drink. It's Nutricai, packed with amazing antioxidant power -- [suddenly a gunshot was heard in the factory] Person: Oh, f*! – Eagleheart** (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Chris Monsanto: Oh, you know, folks, two weeks ago, I didn't know an acai berry from my left nut. Audience: [laughter] Chris Monsanto: But seriously... [clears throat] ...uh, two weeks ago, I didn't know an acai berry from my left nut. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[when Chris takes part of an Nutricai program to take control of his life] Danny Conti: He's taking control... Joshy Conti: ...of his life. Danny Conti: He must be...eliminated. Joshy Conti: Stopped. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Tom Wilcox: Marshal Monsanto! Wow! What is a true american hero doing in my office] [Chris then pours flour onto Tom's desk] Tom Wilcox: What is this? Why are you dumping cocaine on my desk? Chris Monsanto: Please don't hate me. I swear to God, I have no idea why I'm doing this? [Susie and Brett arrives] Susie Wagner: [to Tom] Freeze! Brett Mobley: We got two anonymous, simultaneous tips that somebody in this office was holding a huge stash of cocaine. Susie Wagner: [arresting Tom] Looks like we caught our man white-handed. Tom Wilcox: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. This isn't mine. I've been set up. Brett Mobley: You shouldn't tell lies, Wilcox, especially white lies. [punches Tom] Susie Wagner: Another great collar, Chris. Brett Mobley: Yeah, white collar. Susie Wagner: How did you get here so fast? Chris Monsanto: I guess I have some sort of special...power? I... Brett Mobley: Yeah. White power. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[the next day] Brett Mobley: Hey. How was the big sleepover, buddy? Chris Monsanto: Huh? Brett Mobley: How was the, uh, big sleepover? Chris Monsanto: Why are you riding me about this? Nothing unusual happened, okay?! We just did...sleepover stuff, alright? [as Chris gags, Chris uses the bathroom and throws up while Brett is still smiling] Chris Monsanto: [just got done using the restroom] Just normal fun. Brett Mobley: Cool. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Chris Monsanto: Hey, guys, what's it like being twins? Danny Conti: Well, it's a very special bond. Sometimes we even finish... Joshy Conti: ... Danny Conti: ...each other's sentences... Joshy Conti: ...Chris. Chris Monsanto: Wow. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Beard Guy: This is it, Monsanto. I've been waiting a long time for this. Chris Monsanto: Alright. I'll play along. You hungry? Beard Guy: Wha? Chris Monsanto: Eat a piece. [as the fight begins, Chris delivers his special move on the beard guy] Chris Monsanto: Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. It's quiet time. Sleepy time. Oh, and we're drifting off.. [singing] to Fairyland. We two. [kisses Beard Guy] Oh, one more thing. [Chris shoots Beard Guy] Chris Monsanto: I'll make sure to send my dry-cleaning bill...to hell. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago

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