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Goon: Looky what a found -- Monsanto's human bat. Brett Mobley: Hey, fellas. Doolan: Tie him up and toss him in the incinerator. [to Brett] I hope you like being hot, my friend. Brett Mobley: I do, but, uh, I'm not a Marshal anymore. I quit the force, and I'm here to join your gang. So, do I got to fill something out or -- I-I brought three forms of I.D. Doolan: If you're not with the Marshal, then prove it. [as Doolan gives him a lighter and cigar for Brett to smoke on to prove he's worthy, Brett eats the cigar] Doolan: [laughing] Welcome aboard. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
Chief: Inspired work, Monsanto. You took down most of Doolan's gang. Chris Monsanto: Well, thank you, Chief, but you know something? I couldn't have done without my partners... [holds up his fists] Swifty and Pete. Brett Mobley: But what about me, huh? [chuckles] I did, uh, pretty good too, right? I was the bat. Chief: You're right, Brett. You were indispensable out there...and you too, gun. And let's not forget about you, pencil. [to the pencil] Great job filling out that report. Chief: You see, Brett, congratulating you would be a waste of breath, breath we could be using to laugh at you. [Chief leaves] Chris Monsanto: Cheer up, pal. You know, if you hadn't been around to be my human bat, I would have had to use somebody else -- Anybody else actually. [Chris leaves] Brett Mobley: I'm not just a prop. What about the time I saved those kids? [Brett flashback where Chris throws Brett as a stopper for his head to save the babies who are inside the car] Black Coat Guy: Oh, [bleep]! Black Guy: [throws up] [flashback ends] Brett Mobley: So it wasn't my idea to crush my skull? Susie Wagner: [gets back to work after hearing Brett's nonsense] – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
Brett Mobley: Chris, I'm out of bullets. Chris Monsanto: Yeah, so am I. Well, I guess this it. Wait, I have a idea. Here. Lie flat, Brett. Lie flat. Shh, shh, shh, shh. Chris Monsanto: Hey, fellas...batter up! [Chris hits the goons using Brett as bat] – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
Doolan: Well it's Marshal Chris Monsanto and his lackey friends. Chris Monsanto: Lackey co-workers, if you please, Doolan. We seldom socialize outside of work. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
Susie Wagner: Look at all this stolen art, Chris. It must be worth millions. Chris Monsanto: Oh, Susie, please. Don't be so naive. Everybody knows that artwork is like female bodybuilders -- Splendidly beautiful on the outside, but full of drugs on the inside. Watch this. [as Chris slices the artwork, he notice there's no drugs inside the painting] Chris Monsanto: I should have learned my lesson with Sherice. She was a female bodybuilder I dated/slashed. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
Susie Wagner: Governor DanJoshy, please don't execute him. I beg you. DanJoshy Conti: You really do love him, don't you? Susie Wagner: Yes. DanJoshy Conti: Arnold Blanth, by the powers vested in me, I hereby...appoint you Lieutenant Governor of our state? Arnold Blanth: Huh? [Chris pulls the switch, zapping Arnold to death] Susie Wagner: Wow. Chris, you just killed the Lieutenant Governor. [giggles] Chris Monsanto: No, Susie, I didn't kill the Lieutenant Governor. The system did...the justice system. Susie Wagner: You're right. I guess the justice system is pretty sexy. Chris Monsanto: Welcome back to the good guys. Brett Mobley: And that's that. [Brett then accidentally kills DanJoshy Conti for real this time] Susie Wagner: Nice shooting, Brett. Chris Monsanto: Geez. Alright, I'll grab a sheet. Who's good at cutting holes? – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
Arnold Blanth: [sobbing] Please don't kill me! I screwed up! I'm sorry! [what Susie sees him in her vision] Anrold Blanth: [as a hotrod] Do your worst, pig. I ain't afraid of dying. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
[before Arnold was about to get the death penalty] Susie Wagner: I love you, Arnold. Chris Monsanto: Still? Susie Wagner: He tried to kill the governor. That's kind of sexy. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
[Arnold shot DanJoshy Conti] Arnold Blanth: [to the camera] I DID IT, SUSAN! I ASSASSINATED A GOVERNOR! I DID IT FOR YOU! Chris Monsanto: Not quite, Arnold, not quite. Arnold Blanth: He's not dead? Chris Monsanto: Nope. He was wearing a bulletproof vest stuffed with mice. Brett Mobley: [to Arnold] You shot a mouse? [punches Arnold] – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
[Arnold sees the Governer DanJoshy commercial on TV] Announcer: Hundreds of fans, no security -- Governor DanJoshy Conti will honor form Secretary of transportation Charles Folger in his first-ever no-security event -- No metal detectors, no crowd control, nothing between you and the governor but your conscience. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
Susie Wagner: I just need some time to myself, Arnold. I'm confused. Part of me wants to marry you, and part of me wants to arrest you for murder. Arnold Blanth: But I assassinated him for you. Susie Wagner: Yeah, like a week ago. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
Chris Monsanto: Governor, I'm sure you've heard of Secretary Folger's completely unpreventable assassination. DanJoshy Conti: Yes. Very sad. Chris Monsanto: Yes, well, uh, why don't I skip the main course and get right to the tiramisu? One of our lady marshals has come down with Lou Gehrig's other disease. DanJoshy Conti: Regicideophilia. Chris Monsanto: Yeah. DanJoshy Conti: Before my twin brother and I were mushed together, a gypsy woman told us that we would die young. We laughed at her. That was then. Now it seems her prophecy has borne fruit. DanJoshy Conti: Well, I won't let them have the satisfaction. [holds a knife to his neck] If I don't do this right, you'll have to finish the job. Chris Monsanto: Alright, no, no, no. Look -- I have a plan. Let's give it a shot. If it doesn't work, then I promise I'll put you down like a lame bull with a bad nut. [tongue clicks, lips squish] – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
Secretary Woman: I'm sorry, Mr. Governor. I tried to stop him. Chris Monsanto: She didn't try that hard. DanJoshy Conti: [to the secretary woman] You're fired. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
Arnold Blanth: I got an idea. Susie Wagner: You want to assassinate someone bigger than Folger, don't you? Arnold Blanth: I was thinking, instead of getting those twin cemetery plots we were talking about, we get one coffin for both of us to just lie face-to-face in for eternity, both of our skeletons snuggling, beyond the flesh. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
Chief: Is this what you saw? [Chief draws Arnold and Susie kissing] Brett Mobley: That's it your honor. That's exactly what it looked like. Chris Monsanto: There's no judges here, idiot. Dr. Gardner: Yep, I've seen that a million times before -- Regicideophilia or, as it's know on the street, Lou Gehrig's other disease. Simply put, Susie is hopelessly attracted to assassins. Chris Monsanto: Alright. Why? Doc Gardner: Chris, some women are into bad boys. That's why I created my alter ago, Doc Shades. My point is, political assassins are -- Well, they're the worst boys of all. She's gonna need a fresh kill every day to get her jollies. Chris Monsanto: I just don't get it. I mean, she's been around hundreds of murders and thieves and dirtbags, but she's never fallen for one. Doc Gardner: She's only into assassins. Chris Monsanto: Okay, look, um, Doc, while I got you here, um -- Doc Gardner: Please -- While I'm wearing the shades, it's "Doc Shades". [Doc pulls down the shades for a rad moment] – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
[after Susie got herself hypnotized seeing Arnold Blanth as a hotrod] Brett Mobley: They're having sex. Chris Monsanto: Not yet, Brett. They have to see a preacher first and then cut a hole in a sheet. [after Arnold and Susie got done kissing] Arnold Blanth: It worked! Susie Wagner: Let's go. Chris Monsanto: Hey, Susie, wait for us. [Susie shoots to back away from them] Chris Monsanto: She's shooting at us. Brett Mobley: Should we -- Chris Monsanto: [pulls out his gun] I -- Brett Mobley: I don't -- [Chris and Brett were both confused on what just happened when Susie shoots back] – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
Charles Folger: It would be completely insane to have a soda machine that accept any dimes. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
Susie Wagner: Arnold, what are you doing here? Arnold Blanth: Who's that -- Your new boyfriend? Susie Wagner: It's the secretary of transportation. Arnold Blanth: Oh, so you like big shots? – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
[as Charles makes a speech to secure funding for new soda machines at bus depots] Charles Folger: Now, these machines will take dollars, quarters, and nickles, but no dimes. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
[Chris sees a guy wearing cool glasses] Chris Monsanto: Ugh. Look at that clown over there. Look at that face. Ugh. Those stupid sunglasses and that stupid shirt. Look at those pants. I hate him. I hate his family. I hate his house. Brett Mobley: Me, too. Chris Monsanto: Shut up. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
Arnold Blanth: Hi, I'm -- I'm sorry to bother you here. I-I just wanted to give you a small present to say thank you for saving my life. Susie Wagner: Oh, I-I can't accept it. I was just doing my job. Arnold Blanth: Oh, come on. Just open it. Susie Wagner: Okay. [as Susie opens the present] Arnold Blanth: It's a heart made out of cat hearts. I know you like cats 'cause I-I found kitty litter in your garbage. Brett Mobley: You're so talented. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
Chief: Secretary of transportation Charles Folger -- You name a mode of transportation, he's got an opinion on it...opinions that have made him a lot of enemies. Brett Mobley: What does he feel about shoes? Chief: He hates them. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
Devil Worshipper: Dear Satan, my dark master, lord of all that that is unholy, I offer you the soul of this pitiful delivery man. In return, please see to it that the permit for my new deck goes through without any holdups from the zoning commission. And now let me sign our contract IN BLOOD! Chris Monsanto: Sorry to interrupt. I was just in the neighborhood, and I just happened to see the world's most uninviting backyard. I had to meet the deckless son of a btch who lives here. Devil Worshipper:* Who are you pigs? Chris Monsanto: Ah, I'm sorry. I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Chris Monsanto, U.S. Marshal. Put 'er there. [Devil Worshipper spits Chris' hand] Chris Monsanto: Oh. Don't want to shake my hand, huh? [Chris break the Devil Worshipper's bones] Chris Monsanto: I guess I'll just have to shake my own hand...inside you. [Chris shakes hand inside the Devil Worshipper's stomach] Chris Monsanto: How do I do? Well, nice to meet me. Oh, what a supple, soft hand I have. I must use palmolive...or guts! – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 29 days ago
Chris Monsanto: [narrating] The plan worked. Zagreda's hit squad stormed the Ambrosia. The swingers never saw it coming. They tried to fight back, but they were no match for the Albanians. It was an all-out massacre. A bloodbath. Chris Monsanto: That's when I stepped in. [as Chris ran out of the Ambrosia Club, Susie lights the rope, making the building explode and capturing Zagreda's crew to death as a trap] Chris Monsanto: After the Ambrosia, the big corporate swingers clubs took over. Now they look like Disneyland, especially the one that has Mr. Chode's Wild Glide. Chris Monsanto: In the end, I ended up right back here, in my plain vanilla town with my white-bread partners. And that was that. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago

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