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Brett Mobley: Hey, guys. You're just in time. Ma and I were just about to try on old halloween costumes. Susie Wagner: Here. Drink this. It's the antidote to the Creepatin. Phipps put it in our ginger ale last night. He's gonna poison the whole town with it and turn all the men into creeps so he can get all the women. Susie Wagner: Well, a woman, at least. Brett Mobley: Wow. That guy's smart. But I didn't drink any of the ginger ale. I hate ginger ale. Brett's Mom: He never drank ginger ale! Brett Mobley: LAY OFF ME, MA! – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[Chris creeps by watching a woman inside the house] Chris Monsanto: Ooh yeah. Ooh! Move them tchotchkes around. That's the way I like it. Hey! Where do you think you're going? You think you're too good for me, Ms. Hoity-Toity? Get back here. Susie Wagner: Chris! Chris Monsanto: What?! Susie Wagner: Here. Drink this. Chris Monsanto: Alright. [Chris drinks the anti-creep potion] Susie Wagner: Do you want to go to the laundromat and steal women's panties? Chris Monsanto: No. Of course not. Whose glasses are these? – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[Susie went to the morgue for tell what the potion is that Neil uses] Susie Wagner: Can you tell me what this is? Surgeon: It's a male hormone that produces creepiness. Susie Wagner: What could someone do with gallons of this stuff? Surgeon: They could poison the water supply, turn every man in this town into a creep. Susie Wagner: Where Chris and Brett go? Surgeon: Ohh, I kicked those two creeps out. Susie Wagner: They're creeps? Phipps must have slipped some Creepatin into our drinks. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Chief: [wearing glasses like a creep] Susie. Give us a hug. [Susie runs away] Chief: What are you TOO GOOD FOR ME?! – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[Susie sees Sam Drake as a creep in real life] Susie Wagner: Sam Drake? Samuel: You can call me Samuel. Can I call you Samuel? – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[Chris and Brett go to the morgue to check the dead creep that's been murdered] Surgeon: He was cut open in the same place as the other. it turns out they were all missing their gallbladders. Chris Monsanto: Who cares? Surgeon: Well, it was recently discovered that the gallbladder secrets a chemical called RUX-40, or Creepatin. This guy's creepatin levels should have been off the charts, but there was none found in his body. Chris Monsanto: Let me see that. [Chris checks the dead body's results on clipboard] Chris Mosanto: Uh. Oh, geez. [uses his glasses] Oh, that's much better. Alright, um...let me get a look at his penis. Surgeon: Excuse me? Brett Mobley: Yeah, I'd like to see his penis, too, please. Surgeon: Oh, my god. You guys are creeps. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[Susie investigates Neil Phipps' basement when she sees Neil's antidote until some patient grabs her] Creep: Help...me! Susie Wagner: Get off of me, you creep! – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Chris Monsanto: Well, I guess we should have a look at that creep's corpse. What do you say we go hang around the ladies' changing rooms at T.J. Maxx for a while and then go to the morgue? Brett Mobley: Roger that. Susie Wagner: What? – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Chris Monsanto: Well, I got to hand it to ya, Phipps. You've really got quite a rad pad here. Neil Phipps: Yes, I do. I guess you could say success was always on my to-do list. [laughs] Chris Monsanto: And it's just you and the mother who live here? Neil Phipps: If you're asking about a wife, the answer is no. Chris Monsanto: Oh. What about, uh [slurps] girlfriends? Neil Phipps: No. Women never got Neil Phipps. Chris Monsanto: What a shocker. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Neil Phipps: What do you want? Chris Monsanto: We're U.S. Marshals. And we have reason to believe that your life may be in danger. Neil Phipps: Well...when you're the most successful creator of "to-do list" software, you can expect to make some enemies. It's a risk I've learned to live with. Can I offer you some ginger ale? Chris Monsanto: I'll take a light beer, domestic, frosted mug. Brett Mobley: I'll have some lactaid and sliced banana. Neil Phipps: I have ginger ale. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Chief: These are the town's biggest creeps...and the town's stiffest corpses. Except Neil Phipps. Susie Wagner: Why is someone murdering creeps? Chief: A better question is, why is your hunky-firemen calendar still on April? [Susie sees her calendar and flips it to May] Susie Wagner: Oh, hello, Sam Drake! He's the hunkiest fireman in town. Brett Mobley: Hunkiest guy in town, period. Chris Monsanto: Oh, please. As Shania Twain so famously said, "That don't a impress a-me much". Susie Wagner: So, you think someone's gonna try to kill Neil Phipps? Brett Mobley: Is he a creep? Chief: He's a 46 year old billionaire who still lives with his mother. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[Chris opens up the van and sees the same dead creepy van guy] Brett Mobley: Creepy Earl. Chris Monsanto: Who's that? Brett Mobley: He was the most wonderful man I ever knew. When I was growing up, he would give us kids rides in his rusty van and invite us over to pet his rabbits. Why'd he have to die? Chris Monsanto: Well, if I had to guess, I'd say he got a disease from those rabbits. In about 24 hours, this town's gonna be a dust-ridden plague zone. If we want to die painlessly, I say we kill ourselves now. I'll go first. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Creepy Earl: Hey, kid, where you headed? Kid: Home. Creepy Earl: You want a ride? I got some comic books. Kid: Um...okay. Creepy Earl: Hop in. [Eagleheart title intensifies] [cuts to the next scene where the creepy van guy actually takes the kid home] Creepy Earl: Well, here we are. Kid: Thanks for the ride, mister! [suddenly another creepy guy with a vehicle arrives] Creepy Truck Guy: Hey, buddy. Where you headed? Creepy Earl: Home. Creepy Truck Guy: You want a ride? I got some pictures of Siamese twins. Creepy Earl: Hmm. Okay. [the real Eagleheart title intensifies] – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[Chris help Vargas kill Victor Logan] Vargas: Wow, that was fun! Hey, Logan, get up. Come on. Let's do it again. Chris Monsanto: He's dead, Vargas. Vargas: Oh. Okay. Well, let's do it again when he's not dead anymore. Chris Monsanto: [sighs] You know, this is just never gonna work. I can't kill you. You're harmless. Vargas: [evil voice] Think again, Chris. Chris Monsanto: [stops for a minute] Vargas: I've been wanting to put Logan down for a long time, and you just helped me do it. Chris Monsanto: Wow. Vargas, you're cured! You're evil again! Vargas: Not quite. Brain damage -- Just an act. I've been faking it, Monsanto, and you fell right into my trap. Chris Monsanto: Okay. [gun cocks] I'm gonna put 6 bullets in you -- Three for my partners you wasted, one for the time I wasted, and two for Brett and Susie, in case you waste them before I waste you. [Chris shoots Vargas] Chris Monsanto: See you around, kid. [leaves] [as Chris leaves, Vargas opens up] Vargas: [to Brett and Susie] Hey. Did he look like he was happy? Brett Mobley: Vargas, you sound nice again. Vargas: I was just faking faking. Susie Wagner: Why? Vargas: He was so nice to me. [voice breaking] He was, like...the best friend in the world, and I wanted to give him a present. I pretended like I was normal...and then he could kill me. Susie Wagner: [sighs] That's so sweet. Vargas: Hey, don't ever tell him the truth. Please, don't. Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow. [spoiler alert, he won't] – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Victor Logan: Your time is done, Vargas! This is Logan Town now. [Chris whispers to Vargas to say his lines] Vargas: I see Taco Bell? Chris Monsanto: No. [to Victor] He means "I'll see you in hell". – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Chris Monsanto: Victor Logan -- Ran the second biggest gang in town. He's your mortal enemy. Vargas: Uh-huh. Chris Monsanto: You're gonna wipe him and his whole gang out. It's gonna remind you how sweet evil tastes. Susie Wagner: Chris, tricking a mentally impaired man into committing murder for you is against regulations. We learned that in Marshal Academy Day 1! Brett Mobley: [mocking at Susie] Ooh! You went to the Marshal Academy. We're so impressed, right, Chris? Chris Monsanto: Yeah, you didn't go to the Marshal Academy? Brett Mobley: No -- Yeah. I did. [chuckles] School is cool. Susie Wagner: ... – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Chief: How's he coming along? [referring to Vargas] Chris Monsanto: He's still too stupid. Chief: You're not becoming attached to him, are you? Chris Monsanto: [scoffs] Are you kidding, Chief? That murderous filth in there? Chief: Be careful, Chris. Chris Monsanto: Don't worry about me, Chief, okay? We're entering phase two of our rehab. I'm gonna turn that turtle in there into a killing machine. And then that killing machine into a dying machine. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Vargas: Hey, Chris, will you tell me a bedtime story? Chris Monsanto: Well, alright. Uh...let's see. Once upon a time, there was a little bunny rabbit named Chris. Vargas: Like you. Chris Monsanto: Yes, Vargas. Very much like me. Chris Monsanto: And what this little rabbit wanted, more than anything else, was to kill the evil turtle who had murdered all his buddies. But the evil turtle's shell was too soft, Chris knew it wouldn't be right to kill him. So Bunny Chris worked very hard to make the evil turtle's shell normal again so that he could stick a gun in his mouth and blow his brains all over the forest floor. Vargas: So did he make him normal again? Chris Monsanto: We'll see, Little Turtle. We shall see. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[Vargas wakes up from critical condition] Vargas: Oh, hi. Hi, Chris. Hey. Thanks a lot for coming to see me. You know, the doctor said I got hurt on my brain, but the nurse said I can take some special medicine to make it better called ice cream. Susie Wagner: Chris, you can't shoot him. He's simple. You must have hurt his brain in that fight. Vargas: There's something I want to show ya. I did it. [Vargas shows Chris a colored drawing of Chris riding on a pony] Vargas: That's you. Brett Mobley: Hi, I'm Brett. Vargas: Hey. Hey. Hi, Brett. Brett Mobley: [laughs] This guy's great! [as Chris struggles to kill Vargas] Chris Monsanto: I can't do it. This isn't the evil bastard who killed my partners. But I know he's in there, and when you're on your feet again, I'm gonna kill you real good. Vargas: Okay. [cuts to the next scene where Chris tries to get Vargas' evil personality back by doing a learning montage] – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[as Chris was about to shoot Vargas while he's in a critical condition] Susie Wagner: Chris, what are you doing?! Chris Monsanto: Well, I'm trying to exact some revenge, or commit second-degree murder -- That's for the courts to decide. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Chris Monsanto: Good news, bullets. It's moving day. You'll be living in Vargas from now on. Call me at Thanksgiving. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Chris Monsanto (as a Doctor): Excuse me. Um, have you seen this autopsy report? It says you were strangled to death. [Chris gives him the autopsy report and shoots him] Chris Monsanto (as a Doctor): But, of course, these reports can often be wrong. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Chris Monsanto: I really don't need Chaz Bono and Renee Richards over there gumming up works now, okay? [referring to Brett and Susie] Chief: Quite the opposite, Monsanto. Two partners is just what you need. That way when Vargas kills one of them, you'll only be half as sad. Chris Monsanto: Vargas? Vargas is dead. Chief: Um...that's the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. He's not "dead dead". He's in critical condition at City Hospital. Chris Monsanto: I see. Okay. Fine. Well, you know something, Chief, why don't you get somebody to move those pictures over to the "Unavenged" side, okay? – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Chief: Chris, I'd hoped you'd never have to use that level again. Chris Monsanto: Yeah, well, Chief, after today I won't have to. I'm done with having a partner. Chief: That's why we're giving you two partners. I'd like you to meet Brett Mobley and Susie Wagner. Susie Wagner: Trace was a great Marshal. Brett Mobley: I'm sorry about your partner, man. That blows. I once had a sandwich that I loved that I dropped on the ground. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago

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