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Tom Wilcox: Marshal Monsanto! Wow! What is a true american hero doing in my office] [Chris then pours flour onto Tom's desk] Tom Wilcox: What is this? Why are you dumping cocaine on my desk? Chris Monsanto: Please don't hate me. I swear to God, I have no idea why I'm doing this? [Susie and Brett arrives] Susie Wagner: [to Tom] Freeze! Brett Mobley: We got two anonymous, simultaneous tips that somebody in this office was holding a huge stash of cocaine. Susie Wagner: [arresting Tom] Looks like we caught our man white-handed. Tom Wilcox: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. This isn't mine. I've been set up. Brett Mobley: You shouldn't tell lies, Wilcox, especially white lies. [punches Tom] Susie Wagner: Another great collar, Chris. Brett Mobley: Yeah, white collar. Susie Wagner: How did you get here so fast? Chris Monsanto: I guess I have some sort of special...power? I... Brett Mobley: Yeah. White power. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[the next day] Brett Mobley: Hey. How was the big sleepover, buddy? Chris Monsanto: Huh? Brett Mobley: How was the, uh, big sleepover? Chris Monsanto: Why are you riding me about this? Nothing unusual happened, okay?! We just did...sleepover stuff, alright? [as Chris gags, Chris uses the bathroom and throws up while Brett is still smiling] Chris Monsanto: [just got done using the restroom] Just normal fun. Brett Mobley: Cool. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Chris Monsanto: Hey, guys, what's it like being twins? Danny Conti: Well, it's a very special bond. Sometimes we even finish... Joshy Conti: ... Danny Conti: ...each other's sentences... Joshy Conti: ...Chris. Chris Monsanto: Wow. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Beard Guy: This is it, Monsanto. I've been waiting a long time for this. Chris Monsanto: Alright. I'll play along. You hungry? Beard Guy: Wha? Chris Monsanto: Eat a piece. [as the fight begins, Chris delivers his special move on the beard guy] Chris Monsanto: Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. It's quiet time. Sleepy time. Oh, and we're drifting off.. [singing] to Fairyland. We two. [kisses Beard Guy] Oh, one more thing. [Chris shoots Beard Guy] Chris Monsanto: I'll make sure to send my dry-cleaning bill...to hell. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[as Tiffany's Mom was about to destroy Chris, Chris use the Death Punch move for real this time] Chris Monsanto: [narrating] As I stood there and felt the inside of Sandra rain down upon me, I realized that the Death Punch was, indeed, real. But that was okay. Because what Sandra had taught me is that, while my hands can create death, there are other things they can create, as well -- Joy, pleasure, and tenderness. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Chris Monsanto: Sandra, it was I who killed Pike, your son-in-law. I used a special fighting move called the Death Punch and I exploded him. I just can't trust these hands anymore. Tiffany's Mom: No, Chris, you didn't kill Pike. I did. Chris Monsanto: Do wha? Tiffany's Mom: The night he died, he was wearing a sweater...a sweater I gave him...a sweater I had laced with explosives. Chris Monsanto: But why? Tiffany's Mom: Because he was aiming to steal my famous meatloaf recipe, Chris. He wanted to use it to help him win a bowling tournament. It's the only surefire way to knock over a 7 pin. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Tiffany's Mom: I love the way you decorated this place, dear. All except for that heaping pile of dog feces in the corner over there. But I assume that'll be gone by trash day. Chris Monsanto: Only if you eat it, baby. Tiffany's Mom: Swine! Chris Monsanto: Shovel it, baby. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Kyle and Julie: Grandma! Tiffany's Mom: Oh, my darlings! Guess what Grandma brought you. Her famous meatloaf. Chris Monsanto: Hoo, boy. Another meatloaf. I don't know whether to eat that thing or toll it at the 7 pin. Tiffany Pikes: Chris! Tiffany's Mom: So, you must be Chris. Tiffany's told me so much about you. None of it good. Chris Monsanto: You know, your daughter's a real peach, which makes sense, because you look like an old tree. A-bing bang pow. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Chris Monsanto: Oh, hey, real nice, Tiffany. Service with a smile. Tiffany Pikes: Well, maybe I could be more accommodating if I didn't have to spend my whole day cleaning the house! [pulls up a broom] Chris Monsanto: Oh, honey, is that what that thing is for? I thought you sat on it and used it to fly around with. Tiffany Pikes: Oh, well, if I did, at least there'd be some kind of hard pole between my legs every once in a while. Chris Monsanto: Sweetheart, it ain't the stiff of the skiff. It's a taddle of the paddle. Oh, and beautiful meatloaf, by the way. I don't know whether to eat that or roll it at the 7 pin. AH! BING BANG POW! Tiffany Pikes: Don't you say another word about my meatloaf, damn it. Learned that recipe from my mother, who happens to be extremely proud of it. [doorbell rings] Tiffany Pikes: That's her. [to Chris] You shut your f*ing asshole mouth. Chris Monsanto: [doesn't care] Oh, okay. – Eagleheart** (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[Chris and and Pikes' family head to Waterslide City] Chris Monsanto: By the way, everyone, my name is Chris. Tiffany Pikes: Are you sure this is the way to Waterslide City? Chris Monsanto: Well, I've never actually been there or consulted a map or anything or -- [Julie hits Chris with a stick] Chris Monsanto: Okay. You know what? That's it, guys. I'm turning this thing around. Kids, you want to sit in your own filth, go right ahead. In fact, I'll join ya. Ugh, I hate this family. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Tiffany Pikes: Can I help you, scumbag? Chris Monsanto: Oh. Tiffany Pikes: Did Miguel give you my name? Chris Monsanto: ... Tiffany Pikes: Look, for 100 bucks, you get the full package for 20 minutes. Chris Monsanto: ... Tiffany Pikes: You gonna come in or you just gonna stand there like an idiot? – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[Chris sees Pikes' family by the window] Pikes' Brother: Mom, this chicken tastes like dogsht. – Eagleheart* (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Chief: Chris. Word around here is you're pretty shaken up about last night, old boy. Chris Mansanto: Oh, Chief, I blew him apart. Chief: Pike was a bad, bad man, Chris. Trust me. The Guy's wife and two kids were better off without him. Chris Monsanto: He had a family? Chief: Um...no. I mean, if he had a wife and kids. Sweet little angels. "Ma"? They'd say. "Where's Pa"? – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[as Chris was starring at his hands knowing what he did to that villain last night] Brett Mobley: So I say to him, "Look, pal. I ain't one to haggle over the price of a hot dog, but, on the other hand, it ain't every day I find a daddy longlegs crawling out of my hot dog bun just as I'm fixing to take a bit of my hot dog". Brett Mobley: [happily] Something wrong, buddy? Chris Monsanto: These hands, Brett. Brett Mobley: What, you mean the Death Punch? – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[Chris does the death punch] Susie Wagner: What's he doing? Brett Mobley: No. It can't be. The Death Punch. Susie Wagner: I've heard about it for years, but I've always thought it was a myth, like Fibromyalgia. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[as Chris and his crew secretly head to a villain's factory] Chris Monsanto: Oh, guys, we screwed up. This just one of those factories that manufactures white bricks. Susie Wagner: Chris, it's cocaine. Chris Monsanto: Alright, Susie, well, that's a plausible hypothesis. Could be cocaine. Could be any number of other things, as well. [takes a bite of the cocaine package] Susie Wagner: Okay, just get down. The motion detectors will see you and trip the alarm. Chris Monsanto: Oh, okay. How about we play it this way? How about I see the motion detectors first and trip their alarm? [breaks the alarm] Brett Mobley: Good thinking, Chris. Chris Monsanto: Uh-huh. That's called being proactive, Susie. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[knock on door] Chris Monsanto: Brett, I told you, you can't come in and watch me sleep. Mexican Drug Dealer: We're here for the merchandise. Chris Monsanto: Oh, sorry. You got the wrong room. Mexican Drug Dealer: The merchandise. This is the last time we'll ask nicely. Chris Monsanto: [to Rosa] Honey, do you know anything about merchandise? [Rosa quickly runs into the bathroom] Rosa: I'm sorry, Chris! Chris Monsanto: Rosa, open up! Come on! We share the bathroom. That's part of the deal. [as Chris burst through the door, Rosa gets inside the toilet] Chris Monsanto: You're the merchandise. You're cocaine. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Chris Monsanto: This is what a luxury american hotel looks like. Rosa: It's very...accommodating. Chris Monsanto: Heck, look. [sees a dead cockroach] They even put chocolates on the pillows here. Isn't that something? [eats it] – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
[after Chris saves Rosa from Dominic's drug company] Susie Wagner: At this rate, we should be at the border by 2:00 A.M. Then we can get a motel and get some sleep. Rosa: Thank you, Chris. I don't know how I will ever be able to repay you. Chris Monsanto: Well, you can start by paying for half the motel room. Then we'll figure out things as we go along. Rosa: [chuckles] You're silly. Brett Mobley: What state is Mexico in? Chris Monsanto: Alright, Brett, I want you to shut up. Brett Mobley: [confused] What? – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Chris Monsanto: Alright, look, uh, I'm gonna pump some Mexican killing beans into that guy. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Dominic Saldivar: My process changed the entire industry. The U.S. can't even begin to combat us. And this is what makes it all possible -- La Maquina...roughly translated, "The Machine". It can pressure-mold cocaine into any shape -- Not only dummies but books, trophies, sporting equipment...dreidels. You name it. [Dominic drops the dreidel into the basin and turned it into cocaine] Susie Wagner: That's amazing. Brett Mobley: Can you make a cocaine version of my shoe? Dominic Saldivar: Sure. Brett Mobley: How about my other shoe? Dominic Saldivar: Yes. Brett Mobley: How about my Marshal's badge? Dominic Saldivar: Marshals? This is a trap! Chris Monsanto: Oh, boy, here we go. Okay. Dominic Saldivar: IES UN EMBOSCADA! [leaves] Brett Mobley: Damn it. I had more shoe-related questions. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Dominic Saldivar: Welcome, my friends. I am Dominic Saldivar. You have traveled a long way to get here. Brett Mobley: [to Chris] He's onto us. Let's bail. Chris Monsanto: [clears throat] Uh, my, uh, associate speaks very highly of your product. Brett Mobley: Your drug product, he means -- Cocaine, reverse-sneezing dust. We're here to take a lot of it off your hands. Susie Wagner: [speaks Spanish] We are legitimate drug dealers. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Brett Mobley: Guys, let me ask you something. Do you think it was a good or a bad idea for me to trade my gun in for this churro? Chris Monsanto: Brett, your mouth is moving again and there are noises coming out of it. Brett Mobley: Just bit my tongue. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago
Cyrus Barnaby: The dummy is drugs. It's a high-impact, pressure-molded cocaine. And there's been a whole wave of fake dummies crossing the border. Susie Wagner: So, our bloodbath was a drug deal gone bad. Chris Monsanto: I want a name. Cyrus Barnaby: Dominic Saldivar. He owns the factory that makes these Guadalajara. Chris Monsanto: Well, kids, you know what these means? Susie Wagner: We're gonna report this to the D.E.A.? Chris Monsanto: Not quite. We're going down to Mexico to find this Saldivar fellow and make him D.E.A...D. – Eagleheart (2011)	added by timothyj.29104 1 month ago

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