ICarly, Season 1

[first lines of the series]

[Principal Franklin laughs at the paper he is holding, until Ms. Briggs enters the room. He stops and puts the paper down]

Ms. Briggs:
She is right outside.

Principal Franklin:
Yes. Let's have a little talk with her.

Ms. Briggs:
Carly? Get in here right now. [snaps her fingers, and Carly Shay enters]

Principal Franklin:
Have a seat. [she does] So... I understand you put some flyers up all over the school.

Carly Shay:
Yes, I did.

Ms. Briggs:
Punk!

Principal Franklin:
Ms. Briggs!

Ms. Briggs:
[to Principal Franklin] I'm calm.

Principal Franklin:
[to Carly] Carly, this flyer. [starts laughing] It's a-- It's a--

Ms. Briggs:
[to Principal Franklin] It's not funny! [to Carly; angrily] Why would you photo dock my head onto the body of a rhinoceros?

Carly Shay:
Well, I--

Principal Franklin:
Rhinoceros? Oh, no, no, no. She made you a hippopotamus.

Carly Shay:
No, no. She's a rhinoceros. A hippo has fatter thighs and a wider snout.

Principal Franklin:
I thought the rhinos had the fat thighs?

Carly Shay:
No, if you could picture the two of them together, you could really tell the difference.

Principal Franklin:
[talking over Carly] No, but this animal's obese.

Ms. Briggs:
Oh, what does it matter?!

Freddie Benson:
I am over it! I'm in love with you and you just wanna be friends, and I'm totally cool living with that constant pain!

Carly:
Well done, Spencer. You, too, Freddie.

Freddie:
Thank you, Carly. In your face, Sam.

[Sam stares at Freddie]

Spencer:
Carly! Sam! Freddie! You cannot believe how awesome this sign looks from out here. It is so dazzlingly bright, I swear it-- [car crashes]

Carly:
What's going on out there, Spencer?

Spencer:
It looks like that our sign is so bright and dazzling, it distracted one of the drivers below. [car crashes] Actually, two of the drivers-- [another car crashes] Three of the dr-- [many cars crash] Literally, many of the cars were distracted by our extremely dazzling sign.

Freddie:
Quick! Turn it off!

Carly and Sam:
Turn it off!

Spencer:
Oh, okay. I will now turn off the sign. [pushes button, but the sign starts flickering instead of turning off]

Freddie:
That's not off!

Carly:
Spencer!

Sam:
Dude!

Spencer:
Oh, man, I am pressing the buttons! Literally, all of them, trying to turn off the sign!

Freddie:
You're gonna overload the circuits!

[sign malfunctions and goes from saying "PLEASE GO ONLINE TO iCARLY.COM" to saying "P█E██E ██ ON████ ██ █CARL█████"]

Sam:
"Pee on Carl"?!

[Freddie is disgusted]

Carly:
Turn that off!

Spencer:
I am trying! If the stupid cars would ju-- [hear car tires screeching] Don't look at the sign! Stop beholding the si-- [hears a crunch] Aw, I stepped on my taco!

Ms. Briggs:
Today, we have a special treat.

Gibby:
[raising his hand] Is it a spelling bee?

Ms. Briggs:
Be quiet, Gibby! You are about to be stimulated by a true performer.

Gibby:
[raising his hand] Ryan Seacrest?

Ms. Briggs:
[annoyed] GIBBY!

[Gibby quickly lowers his hand]

Carly/Spencer:
[of the multiple boys in the apartment Carly/Spencer will end up dancing with in a dream] I don't know what's going on here... but I think I like it.

Sam:
Tell me everything!

Carly:
He said we should hang out some time! [Girlish screams; teacher walks by and she speaks in a fake tone] Actually, I feel that teachers should give us more homework.

Sam:
Yes. More homework and more discipline.

Carly:
Yes, discipline is a priority in...

[Carly and Sam watch teacher leave; they scream loud, girlish screams again]

Carly:
When it comes to the part when Jake was supposed to sing, we'll just improvise and talk about something funny.

Sam:
Like Freddie's haircut.

Freddie:
[singsong voice] I heard that!

Sam:
[singsong voice] You were supposed to!

Spencer:
Alright, don't worry too much about this yet, just... go do your homework or something.

Carly:
Kay.

Spencer:
I mean... YOU GO DO YOUR HOMEWORK RIGHT NOW, YOUNG LADY!

Carly:
Yes, sir!

Spencer:
AND JUST SAY NO!

Carly:
Always!

Spencer:
AND STAY IN SCHOOL!

Carly:
Maybe.

Carly:
I wanna stay here in Seattle with Spencer!

Granddad:
Spencer needs to learn how to take care of himself before he can take care of a child.

Carly:
I'm not a child! I'm just young and short.

Spencer:
[answers phone] Hello? No, Freddie's not here, Mrs. Benson. I don't know when I grew leg hair! I gotta go!

Spencer:
Here. [hands Granddad a piece of paper]

Granddad:
What's this?

Spencer:
Everything you need to know about taking care of Carly. I've listed all her allergies, the number for poison control...

Granddad:
She has allergies?

Spencer:
Yes. These are Carly's favorite foods, drinks, soups and chowders...

Granddad:
Aren't soups and chowders the same thing?

Spencer:
No, there's a distinction. This is her homework schedule and a number for a tutor because she's been having a little trouble with science. These are the vitamins that she needs to take everyday. I only give her the ones shaped like dinosaurs.

Granddad:
Why?

Spencer:
Dinosaurs are cool. Oh, and she's really into drinking coffee, [whispers] but I always give her decaf without telling her.

Carly:
What?

Spencer:
[in normal voice] Nothing.

Sam:
So... who's gonna take the blame when I put live raccoons in the trunk of Mrs. Briggs' car?

Carly:
Will you at least try to stay out of trouble?

Sam:
No.

[Carly, Sam, and Freddie are cleaning out Carly's locker]

Sam:
Oooh can I have this? (iPod)

Carly:
I'm leaving, not dying.

Sam:
But don't you want something for me to remember you by? Like 500 of your favorite songs?

Carly:
Give it!

Sam:
I'm just trying to cheer you up.

Carly:
You can't cheer me up. I'm moving to Yakima. I'm gonna be a Yakimite. Or Yakimanitian.

Freddie:
Yakimaniac.

Sam:
[To Freddie] You're yakimannoying.

Freddie:
And what did he mean, "You'd rue the day"?

Sam:
Yeah, what does rue mean?

Carly:
No one knows!

Spencer:
I got it, right here. "Roux: A mixture of fats and flour used to make sauces and soups."

Sam:
[confused] Nevel called you a fat flour?

Carly:
Try spelling it differently.

Spencer:
Okay, here. "Rue: To regret. To wish that something had never been done."

Sam:
Uh-oh.

Freddie:
You know what this means.

Carly:
Of course. He's gonna make me regret shoving tapenade in his face by trashing iCarly on his stupid website.

Freddie:
We're dead!

Carly:
[touches her cheek] I'm gonna go scrub his creepy lip residue off my cheek.

Spencer:
Hey, why isn't it cold in here? Toasty the Baker!! Good God! [runs to his sculpture along with Sam and Freddie and screams] TOASTY!

Sam:
[about Spencer's melted butter sculpture] Gross! It's like a giant baby threw up!

Spencer:
WHY?!?!?!?!

Sam:
I told you not to turn the heat up!

Freddie:
What?! I never even--

Sam:
It's too late for apologies!

Freddie:
But I didn't turn the--

Spencer:
It's OK. It's OK. I just need a mop and a bucket and 20 more pounds of butter!

Mrs. Benson:
Spencer.

Spencer:
Mrs. Benson. Freddie, your mom's here.

Mrs. Benson:
I came over because I heard screaming. Freddie, are you all right?

Freddie:
Yes, mom.

Spencer:
He's fine. But I really got to

Mrs. Benson:
Do you know he's allergic to fruit?

Sam:
Aw, who's got a fruit problem?

Freddie:
Not me! I am not allergic to fruit!

Mrs. Benson:
Well, what if you were? He'd probably give you an orange and then your face would puff up.

Sam:
I would love that.

Spencer:
Look, I gave him no fruit. Now, please, I'm out of butter--

Mrs. Benson:
False! I saw you come home yesterday carrying grocery bags filled with butter.

Spencer:
You spied on me?

Mrs. Benson:
No, I just happened to be glancing through my peephole.

Spencer:
That butter's gone and so am I.

Mrs. Benson:
What have you done with all that butter?! Freddie, I want you to take a bubble bath tonight. Spencer!

Spencer:
I didn't give him any fruit!

Sam:
Cool mom.

[Sam enters the building listening to music]

Carly:
Hey, here comes Sam.

Freddie:
Ohh, great! She's gonna see my costume and insult me nineteen different ways.

[Sam walks up and sees Freddie in his witch costume. She takes the earphones out of her ears and looks up and down at Freddie's costume. Freddie looks at Sam as if saying "Well?" However, she shakes her head.]

Sam:
Too easy.

Freddie:
Okay, wait. Something still doesn't make sense. Why did Lewbert tell us that no one lived here?

Lewbert:
Cause I'm a jerk! Ha, ha, ha, I got you kids good! Score one for Lewbert! Happy Hannukah!

Carly:
Halloween.

[Lewbert splutters incoherently]

[Spencer walks in Apartment 8-C, drenched with pumpkin guts from the pumpkin]

Sam:
And this is Carly's brother, Spencer.

Carly:
Any words for our viewers before we sign off?

[Spencer walks toward the camera]

Spencer:
[to camera] Never forget to buy candy on Halloween.

Freddie:
Now, I'm going to show you the latest piece of equipment that's going to blow you guys away.

Carly:
What is it?

Sam:
You buy yourself a robot girlfriend?

Freddie:
I don't need a robot girlfriend. Because in 20 years, I guarantee you, I will be Carly's second husband.

Carly:
What happened to my first husband?

Freddie:
Nothing you can prove.

Carly:
What did you get?

Freddie:
It's a teeny video camera disguised as a piece of pie! [takes out a giant plastic piece of pie with a very conspicuous camera lens on it. Carly and Sam laugh]

Sam:
Yeah, who wouldn't that fool?

Freddie:
It looks real.

Carly:
Yeah. Like a real piece of pie with a camera lens on the side!

Sam:
Look, it comes with a giant fork! [holds up the fork]

Freddie:
Give it! [snatches fork back] This a quality piece of spy equipment!

Sam:
My Aunt Maggie's boobs look more real than that. And they're ridiculous.

[Spencer persuades his date Connie to juggle, who starts to do so just as Freddie catches his attention with the fake pie]

Freddie:
Don't mind me, I'm just a guy having some pie!

Spencer:
Hey, is that one of those pie-spy video cameras?

Freddie:
No, it is not.

Connie:
Oh, yeah, they were talking about those on the Food Channel... Or was it the Spy Channel?

Spencer:
You know, I think it was the Spy Channel.

Freddie:
I don't know what you guys are talking about! This is just a normal piece of pie that doesn't record anything!

Spencer:
But there's a big lens on the side.

Freddie:
[frustrated] Oh, just forget it! [goes back upstairs]

[Carly and Freddie are spying on Ms. Briggs with the fake pie in tow at her house and decide that she is boring, so they decide to leave, but just as they turn to walk away, a bee flies around them]

Freddie:
[waving his arms to shoo the bee away] Hey, go away! Get out of here!

Carly:
It's just a bee.

Freddie:
You don't understand; I am extremely allergic to bees! Get out of here, you stupid bee! I think he wants my pie!

Carly:
That is a stupid bee. [Freddie hands Carly the fake pie, runs, falls over, gets up and runs for the entrance to Ms. Briggs' house to flee from the bee] Where are you going?

Freddie:
I can't get stung! [he goes inside]

Carly:
Are you insane?! Get out of Ms. Briggs' apartment! You can't just... [the bee continues to fly all around her as she waves her arms to get the bee to fly away] Get away! It's a fake pie! Can't you see the big lens on the side?! [she drops the pie and runs inside] It's a fake pie!

Freddie:
Yup, we've gone out every night this week. I'd say we're almost officially boyfriend and girlfriend.

Sam:
So, which one are you?

Sam:
Come here, Freddie!

Freddie:
Leave me alone, Sam! Sam? What are you gonna--? [Sam pushes Freddie out of the room. He crawls to the other room, while Carly and Sam follow him. He gets up] That was assault!

Carly:
Why are you quitting iCarly?

Sam:
Yeah, why?

Freddie:
Well, 'cause-- 'Cause maybe I don't like the way Sam treats me!

Carly:
Oh, come on.

Freddie:
Yeah, she's always putting me down, and calling me mean names, and every time I get an ice cream cone, she takes it and she licks it! She just licks it all over the place, just to bug me!

Carly:
Great. Now what's the real reason?

Freddie:
Okay. Valerie wants to do a web show, and she asked me to be her tech producer.

Sam:
So you're just gonna ditch iCarly for another web show?

Carly:
That's competing against us?

Freddie:
Valerie's my girlfriend. What am I supposed to do?

Sam:
[bluntly] Dump the chick! How about that?

Freddie:
You know, you guys were the ones who talked me into going out with her in the first place, and now I'm the bad guy?

Sam:
Look, Freddie, you better just--

Carly:
Stop. He's right. He should help his girlfriend.

Freddie:
Thanks. And I wasn't gonna leave you guys with no help. I got you guys a new tech producer. If you want him.

Sam:
Who?

Freddie:
He's really good with the tech stuff.

Sam:
Who?

Sam:
This thing is full of top-notch freaks, mutants and psychos!

Freddie:
Uh... We were down for about 4 seconds.

Carly:
Well... that's not a problem, right?

Marilyn:
I'm sorry, guys. To break the world record, your webcast had to be continuous.

[Carly, Freddie and Sam complain]

Carly:
Haven't you ever heard of the five second rule?

Marilyn:
That's for eating food off the floor.

Carly:
Well, I feel that that rule could apply here nicely.

Marilyn:
I'm really sorry.

Carly:
Freddie, what do you think went wrong?

Freddie:
I'm not sure, but I'd bet my whole month's allowance that all of my equipment was working perfectly!

Carly:
Ooh, you'd bet a whole $8?

Sam:
Your mom only gives you $8 a month?

Freddie:
She's afraid that if she gives me more, I'll buy a bus ticket and leave her.

Carly:
That's so dumb!

Freddie:
Yeah, not really.

Sam:
I can't believe Mr. Cline gave me a D on that test. How'd I get a D?

Carly:
You only answered half the questions, then told Mr. Cline the test was stupid, then burped, then left.

Sam:
And that's not worth a D+?

Carly:
Will you ask the Plain White T's to perform on iCarly?

Spencer:
Will you take a digital picture of my back?

Carly:
Yes!

Spencer:
Then, yes!

Mrs. Papperman:
Nevel! Come kiss Mommy good-bye!

Nevel:
[annoyed] All right, mother! [to Carly] Better find a new hobby, Carly, 'cause your web show is officially canceled, by me! [he shuts off his telecast]

Carly:
I hate him.

Nevel:
[turns his telecast back on] I heard that. [turns it off again]

Sam:
Wow, Freddie, I like seeing you all feisty.

Freddie:
That's the Freddie way.

Carly:
I thought the Freddie way was a toasted bagel with grape jelly.

Freddie:
[annoyed] That's the Freddie Breakfast Way.

[Nevel's grandma walks in and sees Freddie dangling from the ceiling]

Nevel's Grandma:
Ooh, spider!

[She leaves and gets an umbrella]

Freddie:
Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! We have a situation!

Sam:
What's wrong?

Freddie:
I think Nevel's grandmother just walked in!

Carly:
Don't worry, Nevel said she's hopelessly confused. Okay, we've got the cable hooked up. Now what?

Freddie:
Okay. There's a file on my desktop called VL2.exe. Drag that onto his hard drive. Okay. After you do that, just unhook-- [Nevel's grandma walks back in with an umbrella] Hey, there.

Nevel's Grandma:
SPIDER!!

Nevel's Grandma:
Who are you?

Carly:
We're your... personal trainers!

Sam:
Come on! Let's do some squat thrusts!

Carly:
Squat and thrust!

Carly and Sam:
Ready? Just squat and thrust! One... Two... Three..

[Sam continues to instruct Nevel's Grandma while Carly helps Freddie down]

Carly:
Sam, let's go!

[Carly, Sam, and Freddie leave while Nevel's Grandma continues to squat thrust while fake-counting]

Nevel's Grandma:
Three! W! Mustard!

Freddie:
Well, better tell Spencer to cancel the Plain White T's.

Sam:
Oh, man, this bites.

Freddie:
Well, we can't do iCarly as long as Nevel controls our site.

Nevel:
[turns his telecast back on; tauntingly] So true!

Carly:
[angrily] Get off my monitor! [angrily walks to the computer, unplugs it, and picks up a phone]

Freddie:
Who are you calling?

Carly:
You'll see.

Sam:
You ordering pizza?

Carly:
No!

Nevel:
And now, on iCarly, I will sing a song all about my web cast. [singing in a tone similar to "Old MacDonald Had a Farm"] ♪ I have a web show that I do, it is really bad! ♪

Sam:
How can this not be infuriating you?!

Carly:
Just keep watching.

Nevel:
♪ And boring too, it makes people sad! With a boring here and-- ♪ [noticing that military soldiers are in his house] What are you people doing here? I demand a--

Colonel Morgan:
QUIET!

Nevel:
Yes, sir.

Spencer:
Lamp. Lamp. Lamp!

Carly:
I think it knows it's a lamp.

Spencer:
No, I want it to turn on. Lamp! Do you need a ride to school?

Carly:
No, Freddie's mom's gonna drive us. And look what I'm gonna hand in today.

Spencer:
You finished your history report?

Carly:
No, I finished the greatest history report in the history of history reports.

Spencer:
Nice. So what's it--?

Carly:
DON'T TOUCH IT! [Spencer squeals in shock] Sorry, I just have to keep this report looking absolutely perfect. I've never worked harder on anything in my life. And guess what?

Spencer:
What? Lamp! What?

Carly:
If I get an "A" on this, that means I'll get an "A" for the semester, which means I'll have straight A's on my report card for the first time ever!

Spencer:
I'm very proud of you. [at lamp] Lamp! [annoyed] Gah! Why won't this lamp turn on?

Carly:
Let me see the instructions.

Spencer:
Good luck, they're in Japanese.

Carly:
Well, did you try saying "Lamp" in Japanese?

Spencer:
I did not! How do you say it?

Carly:
It looks like... "Rampu."

Spencer:
Okay. Rampu. Rampu. RAMPU! [Lamp turns on]

Carly:
Hey!

Spencer:
It worked!

Carly:
Yeah, you just got to say it like a really angry Japanese man!

Spencer:
RAMPU! [lamp turns off] Come try! [Carly sits down next to Spencer]

Carly and Spencer:
[repeatedly] RAMPU! [Freddie walks in and stares at them for a moment, then walks back out slowly]

Carly:
You gave me a B?! But I thought you said it was the best in the class.

Mr. Devlin:
It was. But, it was printed on 3-hole paper, which I despise.

Carly:
Then just let me re-print it for you, on paper that is completely hole-free!

Mr. Devlin:
Reports can only be submitted once. Silly little truffle.

Carly:
But this means I'll get a B-plus for the semester!

Mr. Devlin:
Yes. Congratulations.

Carly:
(After he leaves)I'd like to punch three holes in him, that's what I'd like to do.

Sam:
(Walking back to Carly's apartment)Tell you what, on the next iCarly, we tell everyone to go egg Mr Devlin's house.

Carly:
No, he'd probably like it 'cause eggs don't have three holes!

Freddie:
I told you not to take his class.

Carly:
Yes, thank you, Freddie.

Spencer:
Well, if it isn't my straight-A little sister, Carl-ay.

Carly:
Don't call me "Carl-ay" 'cause I...

Spencer:
To celebrate your straight A's, I'm making you a giant "A" made out of a bunch of smaller A's that I found.

Carly:
Spencer... -

Spencer:
Your "A" is gonna be huge! And when it's all done... -

Carly:
I'm not getting straight A's. Mr Devlin gave me a B on my report, even though he said it was flawless.

Spencer:
Why'd you get a B?

Carly:
Cause I printed it on three-hole paper.

Freddie:
Mr Devlin's, like, the strictest teacher in school.

Spencer:
Yeah, I know. He used to be lunch room monitor. He gave me detention.

Sam:
For?

Spencer:
Playing with my fruit.

Carly:
Listen, it was really cool of you to make this big A for me, but would you mind taking it apart?

Spencer:
Carly...

Carly:
Seriously, if I'm not gonna get straight A's, then I'd rather not be reminded of... Of what almost was.

Spencer:
Aw, who needs a hug?

Carly:
Me.

Sam:
Hey, how do you turn this lamp on?

Spencer:
Rampu!

Principal Franklin:
Hello, Sam.

Sam:
Mornin', Ted.

Principal Franklin:
[sternly] Sam?

Sam:
[sarcastically] Good morning, Principal Franklin!

Principal Franklin:
[smiles; not understanding Sam's sarcasm] Thank you. Now, what trouble have you gotten in over the past week?

Sam:
Let's see. I got yelled at by Ms Briggs for getting an "F" on a quiz.

Principal Franklin:
Why did you fail the quiz?

Sam:
I didn't know the answers.

Principal Franklin:
Right. Anything else?

Sam:
Ooh! I got kicked out of the cafeteria for slapping Gibby with a piece of pizza.

Principal Franklin:
Why did you slap Gibby with a piece of pizza?

Sam:
I found it on the floor; I wasn't gonna eat it.

Principal Franklin:
Sam, just sit quietly and try not to break anything.

Sam:
No promises.

Freddie:
Let me up!

Carly:
Not if you're gonna tell on Sam!

Freddie:
Then you tell.

Carly:
No, I swore to Sam. We have to come up with a way to fix this without telling on Sam.

Freddie:
Why would Sam change my grade? And make it better? She hates me.

Freddie:
Oh, and uh, just for the record, the only reason you pinned me down like that is 'cause I wasn't ready.

Carly:
Are you ready now?

Freddie:
Yeah, why? [she pins him to the ground again as he struggles to break free from her] Can we please not tell anyone about this?

Mr. Wembley:
Please complete exercises 7 and 9.

Carly:
What about number 8?

Mr. Wembley:
[annoyed] I'm in charge!

Security Officer:
We're gonna need to speak to a parent or legal guardian.

Carly:
Spencer!

Spencer:
[from another room] I am in the bathtub!

[the security officers get confused]

Freddie:
[to security officers] Are we under arrest?

Carly:
[to the security officers] Are you going to take us to juvie?

Freddie:
[scared] I don't want to go to juvie!

Carly:
They're gonna take us to juvie! [they both start moaning in fear]

[last lines of the episode]

Carly:
Spencer!

Spencer:
Hey, I thought iCarly--

Carly:
I didn't really get straight A's!

Spencer:
Huh?

Carly:
[talking fast] Mr. Devlin gave me a B-plus, then Sam changed my grade in the school's computer! Freddie and I tried to change it back, that's why the CSA came here. I lied to Principal Franklin, I made Karen Yamakao cry, and my hair is falling out! Look it! [takes a small bit of her hair off]

Spencer:
So I have to take apart my big A again?

Carly:
Tell me what to do!

Spencer:
Why can't you tell Principal Franklin the truth?

Carly:
'Cause I promised Sam I wouldn't tell anybody.

Spencer:
Did you ankle-shake on it?

Carly:
Yes!

Spencer:
[shocked] Oh, my God.

Freddie:
[running down the stairs] Hey, are you all right?

Sam:
[also running down the stairs] What happened?

Carly:
Sam, I'm sorry. I told Spencer everything.

Sam:
What kind of world do we live in where an ankle-shake means nothing any more?

Carly:
I didn't wanna break my promise, but the guilt was eating me alive! [plops on the couch] What do I do?!

Spencer:
Come on, you're a smart little Carly. So you should know, sometimes, doing what's right is more important than keeping a promise. One more thing.

Carly:
What?!

Spencer:
[holds up a pair of clippers] There's an "A" stuck to your butt. [takes it off her]

Carly:
That's so embarrassing!

[camera swaps to Principal Franklin's office]

Principal Franklin:
Carly. I was just--

Carly:
I have to tell you something.

Principal Franklin:
All right.

Carly:
I changed my grade in Honor's History because I thought I deserved an "A." Then I felt bad about it so I tried to change it back, but the CSA stopped me before I could, and then I lied to you about your birthday, which I really didn't care about at all.

Principal Franklin:
So, you want the microwave back?

Carly:
No, you can keep the microwave. But I feel terrible about this whole thing and I just wanna make it right.

Principal Franklin:
I see. And you were the one who changed your grade to an A in the school's computer?

Carly:
Yes, sir.

Principal Franklin:
Because Freddie just told me that he was the one who hacked the school's computer and changed your grade to an "A."

[Carly sees Freddie behind her]

Freddie:
Hiya.

Sam:
[also enters] Okay. It was me, all right? I hacked the computer and I changed the grades.

Principal Franklin:
Now, that I believe.

Sam:
And the only reason they didn't tell on me was 'cause I made them promise not to. And I was wrong to do that to a friend.

Carly:
[to Sam] Thanks. [to Principal Franklin] So, are we in trouble?

Principal Franklin:
I get to keep the microwave?

Carly:
It's all yours.

Principal Franklin:
Then I think, under the circumstances, you and Freddie are off the hook.

Carly:
Awesome.

Freddie:
Thanks.

Principal Franklin:
But as for Sam--

Sam:
Yeah, yeah. Don't get all dramatic; Just hit me with it.

Principal Franklin:
[typing on the computer] Detention, twice a week for six weeks. I'm sorry, Sam.

Sam:
Hey, I gotta learn my lesson.

[school bell rings]

Principal Franklin:
Ah. Time for assembly. Shall we? [he, Carly, Sam and Freddie leave the Principal's Office, but Sam returns]

Sam:
Let's make my detention once a week... for two weeks. [An angry Carly pulls her by the hair] Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair... [the screen fades to black, ending the episode, implying that Principal Franklin changed the detention back to twice a week for six weeks]

Carly:
[picks up show idea card] "Carly and Sam roll Freddie in bread crumbs and bake him at 350 degrees"?

[Freddie looks at Sam in shock]

Sam:
Just until he's golden brown!

[Spencer is finished setting up a drum set and begins drumming, which causes it to fall apart shortly afterwards]

Spencer:
...I rock too hard.

Spencer:
Want to see me rock out? [Carly and Sam agree. Spencer starts playing the drums and one of the cymbals mysteriously catches fire] How can that even happen?!

[Carly gets the fire extinguisher and extinguishes the cymbal]

Sam:
Hey, can I sleep over tonight?

Carly:
You don't want to go home?

Sam:
Nah... When my mom buys a new bikini, she usually likes to wear it around the house for a few days to "break it in." If you're my friend, you won't make me look at that.

[after Spencer's new "invention" bursts into flames]

Carly:
Electrical wiring just isn't your thing.

Spencer:
No, it is not.

Carly:
[reading the band's letter to Spencer] "Dear Splinter."

Spencer:
He never did learn my name.

Carly:
"Thanks for getting us booked on Seattle Beat. You rock for that. Unfortunately, your drumming is suckish." Aw.

Spencer:
That's where I said "Aw", too.

Carly:
"So we've decided to go ahead with our appearance on Seattle Beat, but we're kicking you out of the band. Also, we took the rest of the deviled eggs and stole your drums. Take care, Blake." Well, that wasn't nice at all

Spencer:
Nope.

Carly:
I'm sorry.

Spencer:
Thanks. I'm just sitting here, listening to their music.

Carly:
Well, don't do that! They're mean people.

Spencer:
I know. But their music is so good!

Carly:
Spencer, it's been four hours. I think you need to get off the kitchen table?

Spencer:
Why? Is Santa Claus here to tell me I'm ugly and have no friends?

Carly:
Spencer, get up. [tries to move Spencer] Come on, get off the table.

Spencer:
[at the same time] No... I'm comfy right... [screams and falls to the floor] Ow.

Carly:
You weren't supposed to fall on the floor.

Spencer:
Well, you know... gravity.

Freddie:
I would've been here sooner, but, uh, I was helping my mom knit a sweater. Any comment?

Sam:
Aw, please let me insult you once for free!

Freddie:
Nope! Five bucks an insult!

Sam:
Then I think it's very sweet you were helping your mommy knit.

Freddie:
Impressive.

Sam:
You're just lucky I'm broke.

Freddie:
Really, you wanna kiss me?

Sam:
Are you kidding me, I'd rather... not do that at this time, but thank you for your kind offer.

Freddie:
Well... I know how we could get back at her.

Carly:
Huh?

Freddie:
You and I should start dating. That way--

Carly:
[irritated] FREDDIE!

Freddie:
I know!

Freddie:
Hello, ladies, or should I say lady and Sam.

[Sam sprays Freddie with her cheese in a can]

Sam:
[Carly takes her cheese in a can out of her hand] Hey!

Carly:
You can have this back when you learn to use squirtable cheese responsibly.

Carly:
What are you doing?

Jonah:
Kiss me.

Carly:
What?!

Jonah:
Sam doesn't have to know. [tries to kiss Carly, but she flicks him] Ow! Did you just thump me?

Freddie:
Hey Spencer, how's the--

Spencer:
CARLY, FREDDIE'S HERE! 14,325... [Carly runs down the stairs]

Carly:
I'm freaking out, Freddie! Freaking out! [pulls Freddie to the kitchen]

Freddie:
Did you talk to Jonah?

Carly:
Yeah, and he tried to kiss me! He totally tried to kiss me!

Freddie:
No way!

Carly:
Yeah!

Freddie:
Are you sure Jonah tried to kiss you?

Carly:
Well, let's see. He said "Kiss me," then puckered his lips. So call me crazy, but I think the boy wanted some Carly-kissing!

Freddie:
That jerk! No one tries to kiss MY girl! [Carly gives him a look] No one tries to kiss you!

Carly:
Just walk towards me, you nutty little chick!

Sam:
Try to grab him!

Carly:
[sarcastically] Wow, if only I'd thought of that!

Freddie:
It says that baby chicks need to be kept at 90 degrees.

Carly:
What's the temperature in here?

Spencer:
72.

Carly:
Turn the heat up to 90!

Spencer:
90 degrees?

Sam:
No, 90 pickles. Yes, 90 degrees!

Spencer:
No need to be hurtful.

Freddie:
You know, they say when a girl constantly rips on a guy, it really just means she has a crush on him.

Sam:
Yeah, but I wasn't ripping on a guy...I was ripping on you.

Sam:
First off, Carly said the shirt was no big deal. And the tickets I got were for Cuttlefish, a concert that Carly told me she was dying to go to! It's her favorite band!

Freddie:
Let the record show that Carly is fond of Cuttlefish.

Sam:
So yeah, I traded the shirt, but it was to get something Carly wanted a lot. Something the two of us could've done together! And Carly refused to go to the concert so--

Carly:
I would've gone with you if you'd just apologized!

Sam:
Um, she interrupted me! Yank her ponytail!

Freddie:
Nah, I'm gonna allow it.

Sam:
Why?

Freddie:
Because I love her!

Daka President Greg Hovarth (Kevin Symmons):
Well, you know when you put out a new shoe, they always have a few minor problems.

Sam:
"Minor"?

Freddie:
What would be a major problem?

Carly:
If they came to life in the middle of the night and ate your family?

Daka President Greg Hovarth:
I live alone.

Sonya:
[while the Daka Employees are giving the group money] Blueberry muffin?

Braxley:
[takes one, but the Daka President slaps his hand] I'm stupid.

Sam:
Keep it coming...

Freddie:
This is good.

Carly:
This is fun. This is a fun time.

Mr. Howard:
Well, tough kumquats.

Sam:
Tough what?

Mr. Howard:
[rips the face guard from Sam hitting him with a football] Ow! kumquats! Oh!

Sam:
Kumquats?

Sam:
Hey.

Freddie:
Hello, Sam.

Sam' Why do you look all guilty?

Freddie:
I did something bad to get detention.

Sam:
What did you do?

Freddie:
You'll see.

Mr. Palladino:
All right, class, everyone please sit.

Freddie; Hey, Gibby, go ask Mr. Palladino to staple those together.

Gibby:
What for?

Freddie:
Just do it! Go!

Gibby:
Hey, Mr. Palladino, can you staple these papers together?

Mr. Palladino' Certainly, Gibby. That's odd. I don't see the stapler anywhere.

Freddie' I have it.

Sam:
Wow. You are a maniac.

Mr. Palladino:
I'm sorry, Gibby. I can't find the stapler.

Freddie:
That's right, cause I took it.

Mr. Palladino:
Ah, yes. Thank you, Freddie. There you are, Gibby.

Gibby:
Here.

Freddie:
Keep them.

[Freddie and Sam sneak into the principal's office]

Sam:
Dude, this is the principal's office!

Freddie:
I know! I'm so bad. Look what I did! [pulls up the window blinds to reveal a spray-painted insult]

Sam:
[reading the words on the window] "Freddie says: Principal Franklin-

Sam and Freddie:
"-sucks eggs!"

Freddie:
Ha, ha!

Sam:
Impressive, that might get you double detention!

Freddie:
Yep! When Principal Franklin sees that, you better believe he's gonna--

[A janitor washes the paint off the window to Freddie's horror]

Mr. Stern:
Who pulled that fire alarm?

Carly:
It was me.

Mr. Stern:
Well, thank goodness you did, the microwave in the teacher's lounge just burst into flames.

Mr. Howard (David St James):
I have ears like a hawk! I distinctly heard laughter! And I hate laughter!

Sam:
I thought you hated your wife.

Mr. Howard:
Her, too! Now keep your mouths shut! [closes the door and leaves]

Carly:
[as she and Sam look at the camera; sarcastically] Isn't he "charming"?

Mr. Howard:
Do I smell burritos?

Mr. Howard:
[after catching the students; angrily and confused] A video camera?! Turtles?! Burritos?! What is going on here?!

Carly:
[hesitantly] The iCarly 50th Web-Show Spectacular? [Sam hesitantly presses 5th button which plays a recording of a cheering crowd; Carly angrily snatches the remote from Sam]

Mr. Howard:
[angrily; thinking he had won] You're all really in trouble now. I am talking suspension! I am talking expulsion! Deportation! [Principal Franklin appears, but Mr. Howard doesn't notice] And you can all start with 500 push-ups! I don't care what Principal Franklin has to say about it.

Principal Franklin:
[sternly] (Oh, really?) You don't?

Mr. Howard:
[angrily] No! I-- [sees Principal Franklin; alarmed] Oh! Oh, dear. Principal Franklin.

Carly:
What are you doing here?

Principal Franklin:
Well, I was at home, watching the iCarly 50th Web-Show Spectacular. [to Carly and Sam; pleased] Congratulations, by the way. My kids and I love your show.

Carly:
Wow.

Sam:
Awesome.

Principal Franklin:
[becomes serious again] While I was watching, I heard Mr. Howard...call me a weak, spineless fool.

Mr. Howard:
No, no, no! I Said...uh, sweet. Stylish. Cool.

Principal Franklin:
[not believing Mr. Howard] (No, you didn't.) In my office.

Mr. Howard:
But I--

Principal Franklin:
[sternly] Now.

Mr. Howard:
[walks out of detention room; defeated] Why does everything always happen to me?

Carly:
So, now what?

Principal Franklin:
Well, I suppose Mr. Howard has tortured you all enough. Go home.

Carly:
Okay, we're just about done.

Sam:
I'm Sam...

Carly:
I'm Carly...

Principal Franklin:
And I'm Ted.

Carly And thanks for watching the iCarly 50th Web-Show Spectacular.

Principal Franklin:
[Sam almost pushes 5th button; politely] May I?

Sam:
[politely] Second button from the bottom. [Principal Frank pushes said button]

Singers:
♪ It's iCarly's 50th Web-Show Spectacular. ♪

Carly and Sam:
Bye! Keep visiting iCarly.com. Don't forget it.

Freddie:
And we're clear.

Freddie:
Do you really think Sam's gonna make me get a tattoo of her face?

Carly:
I don't know, but if she does, won't your mom freak?

Freddie:
She freaked when I spilled one tiny drop of mustard on my church pants! [Carly laughs] What?

Carly:
"Church pants!"

Sam:
Okay, Freddie's never late for iCarly. Are you worried?

Carly:
If I wasn't worried, would I be drinking water with this expression on my face?! [she quickly takes a sip of water with a frantic expression]

Sam:
[about the Briarwood headmaster] Of course she'll like Carly! And then, Carly will go there, make all new friends and then bye-bye us!

Freddie:
I don't wanna be bye-byed!

Carly:
Why?!

Sam:
Why what?

Carly:
I'm not playing! Why did you guys intentionally sabotage my interview?! (Sam and Freddie take sips of their drinks) Don't nonchalantly sip your drinks! Answer me!

Phillip Brownley :
Your Carly Shay, from ICarly right? Phillip Brownley, Briarwood prep.

Sam:
I can read a book!

Freddie:
Name three books you've read.

Sam:
Boogie Bear, Boogie Bear II, and Boogie Bear III: The Return of Boogie Bear.

Carly:
Who's the dude?

Sam:
David, I hired him to read the book to me.

Carly:
Then why is he rubbing your feet?

Sam:
Because he was late. So, I started reading it myself and it is fantastic! These things are great! It's like TV in your head!

Carly:
Well, I'm glad you like reading. But I still don't see why David's rubbing your feet.

Sam:
I already paid the kid; I had to make him do something.

David:
[pleading] Please call my mother.

Spencer:
This is called a guava. [starts nodding head]

Entire class:
Guava. [The class starts nodding their heads.]

Brad Brenner:
[to Sam] You're fired.

Carly and Freddie:
What?!

Sam:
Hold on, hold on. If I'm fired, do I get paid for the whole week?

Brad Brenner:
Yeah!

Sam:
Laters. [walks out with rib]

Carly:
Don't thump him!

Amber Tate:
Don't even talk to me.

Freddie:
No, I toasted your bagel, cleaned your fish tank, got hacked on by Amber Tate's rat dog, and I even rubbed ice over a sweaty guy's stomach, but I will not plunge your toilet!

Brad Brenner:
Come on, you're my supervising producer.

Freddie:
Well, I ain't supervising what you produced in there! (to Carly) Sorry, Carly. I quit.

Carly:
Great, we lost Sam, Freddie and Harper.

Carly:
This isn't even iCarly anymore.

Brad Brenner:
Oh, come on, how can you say that.. You know, you're right. This isn't iCarly anymore.

Carly:
Aww! Poor kid... it must be horrible to love someone who doesn't love you back. (Freddie looks at her) Sorry.

Freddie:
[holding up a bunch of love notes] These are love notes.

Carly:
Uh-oh, from Shannon?

Freddie:
Uh-huh! And try taking a test while she's staring at you like this! [makes flirty poses while smiling suggestively, imitating Shannon.]

Carly:
Please never make those faces again.

Freddie:
What's it gonna take to make Shannon understand? I don't wanna go out with her!

Freddie:
Oh, hey! I uh, just got the new cable for the-- (sees Ms. Ackerman in her red dress) Whoa!

Carly:
...I also said whoa.

Ms. Ackerman (Jessica Makinson):
Hey, Freddie, what are you doing here?

Freddie:
I was just uh, coming over to help work on the web show... with Carly... WHOA!

Carly:
Okay, why don't we go upstairs before you start drooling. (pushes him upstairs)

Ms. Ackerman:
Have fun, you guys.

Freddie:
(while being pushed, he repeatedly looks at Ms. Ackerman) Sick.

Carly:
Go!

Ms. Ackerman:
And if the vote says that we shouldn't be together... [to Spencer] THEN I HATE YOU! AND THE INTERNET! [she angrily takes her purse, opens the door, pushes a small vase on the floor and leaves]

Spencer:
Okay. What was the point of all this? Now she's just gonna be mean and vicious to you guys at school.

Sam:
I don't know.

Freddie:
Lot of people watch iCarly.

Sam:
And sometimes...

Carly:
We make sure certain specific people watch.

Freddie:
Yes. Yes, we do.

Spencer:
[suspiciously] You guys are up to something, and [alarmed] I DON'T WANNA KNOW WHAT IT IS! [runs off]

[camera swaps to Lauren's classroom]

Ms. Ackerman:
I hope you haven't made any plans for this weekend, 'cause you're all gonna be up to your eyeballs in homework.

Sam:
[whispering] When?

Carly:
[whispering] Soon.

Ms. Ackerman:
And today you will write 1,000 words on why men are dirty, rotten, stinktaitious, ungrateful, aw-- [she gets interrupted by FBI Agents]

FBI Agent 1:
Lauren Ackerman?

Ms. Ackerman:
Yes? Who are you, people?

FBI Agent 1:
FBI.

FBI Agent 2:
You're under arrest. [he grabs her hands to handcuff her]

Ms. Ackerman:
Arrest? For what?

FBI Agent 1:
For 500 counts of illegally downloading music on the internet.

[the iCarly gang smiles]

Ms. Ackerman:
Well, you have no proof!

FBI Agent 1:
Yes, we do. Ma'am? [Carly throws the pear pod to him, and he shows it to her teacher] I believe all the proof we need is on this pear pod.

FBI Agent 2:
And you admitted it last night on those kids' web show.

FBI Agent 1:
Which we recorded.

Ms. Ackerman:
You set me up!

Freddie:
That's a lie!

Carly:
No, we set her up.

Freddie:
Oh, yeah.

[the FBI agents take her away and the class cheers while the iCarly gang high fives each other]

Sam:
So, now what do we do?

Freddie:
Yeah, we should probably tell principal Franklin that our teacher's been arrested.

Carly:
Or we could go ice skating! [the class cheers and pack up as they go outside their classroom]