Robot Chicken, Season 2

Jesus:
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. [everyone drops their stones, Jesus then hits the prisoner with his stone] Blammo!

Jerk:
[ as J.K. Rowling is going through trash, looking for food, Manchester, England 1989] 'J.K. Rowling.

J.K. Rowling:
Cor blimey, are you an angel?

Jerk:
I am from the future. In fifteen years time, you will be a best selling children's book author, whose net worth is more than one billion american dollars!

J.K. Rowling:
I had an idea about a boy wizard.

Jerk:
No! Your books will be about uh-a magical racoon. He has an afro. His name is Squiggles and he shoots pixie dust out of his bunghole!

J.K Rowling:
Thank you, I'll start right away!

Jerk:
Haha [ placard: "Dicks with Time Machines"]

Guy:
It's Moses, he's back!

Moses:
God has blessed me with ten irrefutable commandments for living.

Guy:
Is there anything on there about not pushing your religion on other people?

Moses:
No.

Guy:
Didn't think so.

Moses:
Number one: he who smelt it, dealt it. [Everyone laughs.] Wha? What's so funny? Stop it. Stop laughing! [The time-travelling jerk is sitting behind him holding a hammer and chisel.]

Barney the Dinosaur:
I love you. You love me.

Girl:
But I'm not in love with you.

Fred:
Eh Barney-boy, this is the life!

Barney:
You said it, Fred! An entire civilization not wearin' underwear! Y'gotta love it!

Fred:
[Door knocks] Now who could that be? [Barney laughs]

Delivery Man:
Hi, I'm Mr. Rock from FedEx Stone. I got a delivery for Fred Flintstone from Amazon Boulder.Com/Pebble. [sighs] Look, sometimes, the rock puns don't fit too well, buddy. Do you want the package or not?

Fred:
[reads a letter that came with the package] "Dear Fred, I hope this distracted you long enough. Signed, Barney. P.S. I invented paper. Bitchin'!" [looks over to Barney who tries to sneak out with a box of Fruity Pebbles] Barney! My pebbles!

Barney the Dinosaur:
(now in a street at night standing next to a female smoker) I love you, you love me.

Smoker:
Either way, it's 50 bucks.

Man:
[fleeing a vampire in his car, he turns to look in his mirror and because he cannot see the vampire's reflection thinks he's fallen off] Ahh, must have lost him. [brakes hard causing the vampire to run into the back of the car and collapse to the ground] You know, while I'm out, I might as well get some milk.[throws the car in reverse running over the vampire's face, not crushing it] Wait a second, I have milk at home. [Speeds forward, the tire peels skin off the vampires face and drags the corpse behind the car] La la la, gonna have some milk! La la la....

Boy:
[With pants down, holding a laptop computer.] I was only half way done! Half way done!

Announcer:
there has been a breakout in boston in which a virus wipes out and deletes all the porn out there; and here is president bush to address this issue...

President Bush:
And I the president of the United States have only one thing to say to you guys; come on man, it's not funny, give us back our porn!

Palpatine:
Ha ha ha ha, so I threw the senate at him. The whole senate! True story!

First Guard:
Oh my God, that is so funny!

Second Guard:
You made it [Milk from the carton in his hand] come out of my nose!

Palpatine:
[His phone rings] Go for papa Palpatine.

Operator:
You have a collect call from - [Vader's voice] Darth Vader.

Palpatine:
[Sighs.] Oh, I-I gotta take this, hold on. Vader! How's my favorite Sith? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, just, slow down. Huh? What do you mean they blew up the Death Star? F***! OH, FUCK!, FUCK! FUUUCK! Who's "they"?! What the hell is an "Aluminum Falcon"?! [Sighs.] Okay, okay, s-so who's left? Are you shitting me? Well where are you? Wait a sec, you've been flying around for two weeks trying to get a signal? Oh, you must smell like...feet...wrapped...in...leathery...burnt...bacon. Oh, oh, oh, I'm, I'm sorry I thought my Dark Lord of the Sith could protect a small thermal exhaust port that's only two meters wide! That thing wasn't even fully paid off yet! Do you have - do you have any idea what this is gonna do to my credit? [Phone rings.] Ah, hang on, I've got another call. [Switches line.] What?! I'm very busy right now! Oh. Oh, we-well where're they going? Oh. Alright, um, just get me a turkey club. Uh, cole slaw, I guess. I-I'm not even gonna eat it. W-w-what're you getting? No, see, I always order the wrong thing. No, no, no, I'll just stick with that. Okay, bye - wait, what? Oh, a Cherry Coke. Thanks. [Switches back to Vader.] Sorry about that. [Sighs.] What? Oh-oh, "just rebuild it"? Oh, real f***ing original. And who's gonna give me a loan, jackhole, you? Y-you got an ATM on that torso Lite-Brite? Now get your seven-foot-two asthmatic ass back here or I'm gonna tell everyone what a whiny bitch you were about "Padamamay" or "Panda Bear" or whatever the hell her name was! Oh geez, he's crying! Ha, ha...hey, hey, hey, hey, c'mon. C'mon, don't do that. Just, just, look, ah, y'know, I'm dealing with a lot of crap right now. Eh, Death Star blown up by a bunch of f***ing teenagers, y'know? I didn't mean to snap. Oh, oh, j-just get back here. Okay, okay, bye. I-I-yeh-I...I love you too. [Note: Also appears on Robot Chicken: Star Wars]

Voices:
Braaains... braiiins...

Man:
Are you radioactive zombie mutants, or survivors, thanking the only thing that's kept you alive?

Voices:
[after a pause] Zombies.

Man:
Okay.

Voices:
Didn't feel right to lie to you.

E.T.'s Mom:
He said he would phone me but he hasn't phoned. He knows how I worry.

Elmer Phudd:
I'm takin' you to school, call me the professor

You're sexually confused, 'cause you a cross-dresser.

You like to kiss men, that's real funny.

Call up Hugh Hefner, you a gay boy bunny.

Master of the stage. You need a map junkie.

You made a wrong left turn on Albuquerque.

I'm a pimp because my hunting apparel's hot son.

It was wiped by on your ho with my double barrel shotgun. [shoots at B Rabbit with his double barrel shotgun]

Daffy Duck:
Now hold on a second, man! It's not rabbit hunting season yet! See! [[Pints at the sign that says "Wabbit Season (Not Yet)"] Okay! [Gives the mic to B Rabbit] Your turn, B Rabbit!

B Rabbit:
Yeah, yeah. I know that you call me wascawwy wabbit.

Say your R's like W's that's a really bad habit.

It's room, not woom. Trees, not twees.

You replace so many R's, I thought you was Chinese.

You're so stuck on yourself, I'll call you Elmer's glue.

I got you some coffee, one lump or two?

Elmer Phudd:
Two?

[B Rabbit hits him on the head twice with a mallet]

B Rabbit:
I only dress like a girl, just to prove that you're gay.

Would you like a kiss handsome?

Elmer Phudd:
Really? OK!

B Rabbit:
Elmer packs "fudd". You heard what I said.

He's so bald, I'll put a "hare" on his head. [B Rabbit sits on Phudd's head]

I'll sit down on your head. Just like I was a thinker. Hmm.

[He farts while sitting down on his head] Ain't I a stinker?

Doctor:
Mr. President, your vitals seem to be all right, there is however one thing thought, your midichlorian count is extremely high.

Bush:
Does that mean I'm one of them- whata call 'em- Jedis? [thinks then uses the force to pull down the doctors pants] Heheheheheheh.

[scene change to Bush and his wife in bed]

Laura Bush:
Oh not tonight, I'm tired honey.

Bush:
[mind trick] You're not tired, you wanna have a threesome.

Laura Bush:
[eyes widen] I'm not tired, I want to have a threesome.

Bush:
[picks up telephone] Get me Condi! Heheheheh.

[scene change to a parking lot at McDonalds; Bush is about to park when Bill Clinton takes his spot]

Clinton:
Awww, sorry W, Big Mac attack! Yeeeeeeeheeeew! [Bush is angry and uses the force to drop Clinton and his car in a nearby lake] Hey, what the dilly?

Bush:
Heheheheheheh!

[scene change to George Bush using lightsaber to carve the words "W wuz hear" into the Lincoln Memorial] Heheh, saber beats rock.

[statue lifts up revealing Abraham Lincoln]

Bush:
What the hell?

Lincoln:
Who dares disturb my slumber?

Bush:
Who dares question my...daring...of...his dare?...Jerk!

Lincoln:
It is I...I who freed the slaves...I who-

Bush:
Boring! Let's fight! [Lincoln draws a lightsaber and they begin the fight, Bush corners Lincoln]

Lincoln:
If you strike me down, I shall become - [Bush raises his saber for the kill] No, wait a minute, lemme finish - [gets sliced and dies like Obi-Wan Kenobi in A New Hope'] Agghhh!

Bush:
That'll teach you, George Washington!

[scene change to Cloud City where Darth Vader tells Luke Skywalker he is his father]

Bush:
Jenna, get over here right now! I am your father!

Jenna:
[on the thing Luke was on] That's not true! That's impossible! My real father would let me go clubbing as late as I want! [flips him off]

Bush:
Why you little - [slices off her middle finger]

Jenna:
Owwww!

Bush:
No baby, I'm sorry!

Jenna:
[she falls] Arrggghh, [distant] you suck!

Bush:
Nooooooooooo -

[scene change to Bush asleep on his desk; he wakes up]

Bush:
Wa- Was it all just a dream?

Senator:
[rushes in] Mr. President, we still haven't found any weapons of mass destruction!

Bush:
[tries to do a mind trick] You have found weapons of mass destruction.

Senator:
Uhh...hi. We haven't.

Bush:
[tries again] You have.

Senator:
[sighs] Uh, I don't know what you're doing.

Bush:
[still waving his hand] Bring me a taco.

Senator:
Yes sir. [runs out of the office]

Bush:
Heheheh, tacos rule.

Harry What are we going to do?

Hermione:
Let's ask Hagrid for help.

Harry:
Don't be ridiculous, Hermione. We need to confront the terrible horror ourselves and potentially end up hospitalized, like always.

[Waving goodbye to Elliot.]

E.T.:
Be good.

Elliot:
Good-goodbye E.T.

E.T.:
E.T. home.

Alien #1:
Oh my God! Look everyone, that retard we ditched on Earth somehow found his way home!

E.T.:
E.T. phoned home.

Alien #2:
What the hell are you calling yourself "E.T." for, spaz? Your name is Kleeborp. Kleeborp the retard!

Alien #3:
Yeah, Kleeborp the retard with only one glowing finger.

Aliens #1, #2, #3:
Ha, Ha! [shows all glowing fingers]

E.T.:
[gives them a glowing middle finger]

Alien #1:
Oh, now you're f***ing dead. [Aliens grab E.T.]

E.T.:
[Screams like a girl]

Alien #1:
And next time, stay lost, loser!!!

E.T.:
[Looks at Xenomorph from Alien] Friend.

Gene Okerlund:
And Hitler takes a flaming chair to the spine in what will surely go down in history as one of Wrestlemania's greatest moments! Sergeant Schultz do you have any comment?

Sergeant Schultz:
I know NOTHING!

Bomb-Diffusing Robot:
This is some serious bullshit.

Alien #1:
Oh dear, our fleets are being destroyed!

Alien #2:
Will help ever arrive? [Buck Rogers comes in]

Buck Rogers:
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Did someone call for a hero?

Alien #1:
Oh, thank goodness! F*** Rogers is finally here!

Buck Rogers:
What.. did you just call me?

Alien #1:
F***!

Alien #2:
F*** Rogers!

Buck Rogers:
[goes near Alien #1:] My name is Buck. Buck Rogers.

Alien #3:
The Robots are through the south defenses! F*** Rogers, we need your help immediately!

Buck Rogers:
[annoyed groaning]

Alien #1:
It's Buck!

Buck Rogers:
My name is Buck, not F***! What's with you aliens?!

Alien #4:
F***!

Buck Rogers:
It's Buck! Damn what the - it's Buck! Buck! Buck! BUCK!

Alien #4:
What are you talking about?! I've been shot! F***, it hurts! [dies]

Alien #5:
Welcome, F***!

Alien #1:
[as Buck gets annoyed:] It's Buck!

Buck Rogers:
THAT DOES IT!! [gets gun out and starts shooting at the aliens]

Aliens:
[getting shot:] F***, Motherf***er!

Buck Rogers:
F*** you!

Alien #3:
Wait! Wait! [gets shot]

Buck Rogers:
F*** you! F*** you and you! F*** you! F*** you! F*** you! F*** you! F*** you! F*** you!

Wilma:
You really told all the aliens that Buck's name was F***? [chuckles]

Twikky:
Bidi-Bidi-Bidi, I was attempting human comedy.

[A giraffe is sinking in quicksand, struggling to get out.]

Giraffe:
Uh-oh.

["Stage One:
Denial"]

Giraffe:
It's no big deal. It's probably not even quicksand. I'm gonna have a good laugh about this tonight with the guys. [Laughs nervously.]

["Stage Two:
Anger"]

Giraffe:
Well, this is just f***ing perfect!! Stupid quicksand! Stupid jungle! Ah! I wanna bite someone in the face! Motherf***er!!!!! Motherf***er!!!!!! Motherf***!!!!!!! Ahh! F***!!! That stupid jungle! Uhh!! Fuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!!

["Stage Three:
Bargaining"]

Giraffe:
Are you there, God? It's me, Giraffe. Li-listen if you could just give me a mulligan on this quicksand thing, I promise, I promise, no more peeing on your shorter creatures. [Laughs nervously.] We got a deal?

["Stage Four:
Depression"]

Giraffe:
[Screams and cries.] MOMMY!!

["Stage Five:
Acceptance"]

Giraffe:
You know somethin'? I'm cool with this. I-I bet, I bet heaven has all the tender leaves I can eat and everyone gets their own Slurpee machine. Yeah! Take me sweet death! I await your loving embrace! [The sinking stops.] What? I think I hit the bottom. [The giraffe struggles with no avail.] F***...

Cyclops:
Look sharp Team!

Professor Xavier:
Remember my X-Men, use extreme caution. This is the most dangerous mission yet!

Cyclops:
Right Professor! [the Sentinel they are fighting blasts them with its lasers and then stomps them into oblivion]

Professor Xavier:
Welcome recruits, although we had to lower our standards thanks to the shortage of actual mutants, the danger you're facing will be no less real! You'll be defending a world that hates and fears you!

Larvell Jones:
What?! Hate and fear us, because we're mutants?

Professor Xavier:
No, because you were in the Police Academy movies.

Professor Xavier:
[passes by the group, as Larvell makes squeaking noises] The hell's wrong with this chair? And it seems it's missing someone.

Carey Mahoney:
[crashes in with a jet] Sorry I'm late!

Professor Xavier:
MAHONEEEEEEEYYYYY!

Detective:
Hey ar-are you Deepthroat?

Rimjob:
Hmm? Oh no I-I'm Rimjob, you want Level B2.

Captain James T. Kirk:
[on the USS Enterprise Scotty arrives at the bridge in USS Enterprise] Report, Mr. Scott.

Scotty:
Captain, somebody traded all of the dilithium crystals for pornographic holograms!

James T. Kirk:
And?

Scotty:
With no power, all life support on the ship is about to fail.

James T. Kirk:
And?

Scotty:
Our only hope is to beam down to the nearest planet, but there is only enough power to send five people. I can't do no more!

Mr. Spock:
Captain, logic dictates that each of the 433 crew members.

Lt. Uhura:
Hey! Where did Kirk go? [camera scene changes to the same bridge scene without James Kirk] Oh, no. He didn't.

Snow Job:
Hey guys, going on a mission? Can I come?

Flint:
Sorry Snow Job, this mission doesn't require ski's.

Gung-Ho:
Wearin' a blindingly white outfit in the middle of jungle warfare makes you a very shootable target, man!

Snow Job:
Bunch of G.I. Jerks!

Calvin:
Native Americans would be more plentiful if they hadn't traded their land for casinos!

Hobbes:
Well, cowboys never even existed! They're just a masculine image campaign purported by Marlboro!

Calvin's Dad:
I think something's wrong with our son.

Recording Producer:
Okay, lets take it from the top.

Alvin and the Chipmunks:
[singing in comically deep "terrible" voices] Christmas, Christmas time is hereTime for nuts and time for beer

David Seville:
[Still hearing their "terrible" voices] Aw, they're just so terrible! They've eaten me out of house and home! They've got to go!

[David throws a canister of deadly helium into the recording booth, which causes the Chipmunks' voices to become extremely high and much better.]

Alvin and the Chipmunks:
Christmas, Christmas, poop-de-poopDon't buy me a hula hoop

David:
They're fantastic!

Recording Producer:
This could sell thousands of albums.

David:
[noticing that the Chipmunks have collapsed from inhaling too much helium] Oh right... the deadly helium.

Santa Claus:
[pulls over in his sleigh next to three girls] Ho, ho, ho!

Narattor:
Last Time on Robot Chicken..

[Seth Green stands on a set not unlike "You Can't Do That on Television!"]

Seth Green:
Please welcome our special guest tonight, Vice President of Adult Swim, Keith Crofford.

[The scene fades to Seth and Keith sitting on the orange couches]

Keith Crofford:
I just wanted to say that y'all are doing a really good job on Robot Chicken.

Seth Green:
That's great! So, when are we getting renewed for another season?

Keith Crofford:
Uh, I don't know. [then showered with green slime. The studio audience laughs. Crofford stands up, wiping slime from his eyes] Ha ha ha ha. You're cancelled.

[Cut to the trial before the Adult Swim Governing Council. Seth Green, the Robot Chicken and the Mad Scientist are trapped by rotating rings like from Superman:
The Movie and Superman II. Mike Lazzo appears before them in a spotlight]

Mike Lazzo:
Hi y'all, I'm Adult Swim president Mike Lazzo. The decision of the council is now fixin' to be heard.

Peter Griffin:
Guilty!

Space Ghost:
Guilty.

Master Shake:
Oh ho, you're so-o frickin' guilty.

[Seth, the Chicken and the Scientist are banished to the Phantom Zone. The Chicken is holding a sign reading "HOLY *@$#ING ASSCRACKERS!" Seth screams as the Phantom Zone plane spins through space. The Mad Scientist stands silently while looking very nervous]

Seth Green:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [takes deep breaths] Aggghhh-!!!!!!! [then the flying saucer hits the plane, smashing it into shards and releasing the captives]

[Two aliens stand on board the flying saucer. Michael Jackson is frozen in carbonite behind them]

Alien 1:
I think we hit something.

Alien 2:
Dammit, dammit, dammit!

Seth Green:
Aggghh!! [falls down onto his seat on the link set from You Can't Do That On Television] Ummff!

Keith Crofford:
[now cleaned up from having been slimed in the earlier installment of "YCDTORT"] Hey Seth, what happened to you?"

Seth Green:
I don't know. [gets green slimed as audience laughs]

Keith Crofford:
[laughs as Seth wipes the slime out of his eyes] You're renewed.

[Seth, still covered in slime, looks into the camera and grins]

[At the hospital, Mr. Potato Head is witnessing Mrs. Potato Head, who is about to give birth]

Mr. Potato Head:
Come on honey. One more push; big push! [Mrs. Potato Head pushes, and surpsisingly, a baby carrot comes out instead of a baby potato] You whore!

Skater McGee:
Now pay attention! Skater McGee does NOT repeat himself!

Teenager:
What was that?

Skater McGee:
I SAID, Skater McGee does not-goddammit.

Nerd:
[holding a unicorn book] Man I wish unicorns where real. That will be so cool. [yawns] So, cool. [falls asleep, then a unicorn comes to the widow and neighs. He wakes up, rubbing his eyes, then peers out his room] Oh my gosh, they do exist!

Unicorn:
Come with me! Let's have fun adventures together!

Nerd:
You don't have to ask twice! [riding on the unicorn] Woo-hoo-hooo! Wheee! It's everything I've ever dreamed!

[The Unicorn stops, the Nerd flies of his back and laughs]

Unicorn:
In the magical land of unicorns, there's no need for clothing!

Nerd:
Whatever you say! [begins pulling of his shirt]

Unicorn:
No, no, no! Take it off slowly. [the Nerd takes his shirt off slowly] Yes, that pleases me. [grabs the Nerd's pants and throws them on the ground. The Nerd laughs] Polish my magical unicorn horn!

Nerd:
Okay! [does so]

Unicorn:
Oh, yeahee! Oh.

[Cut to the school cafeteria]

Friend:
And then what happened?

Nerd:
If you polish his unicorn horn long enough, it gives you magical unicorn mayonnaise! Which I used to make these sandwiches!

[His friend gags]

[Woman looks badly beaten up.]

Woman:
I...uh...I-I walked into a door.

Salesman:
Well then, can I interest you in our line of Nerf Doors?

Woman's husband:
What about stairs? She's gonna need some Nerf Stairs too.

[After Hitler's footage of his constipation ends the war]

Dick:
Heh heh...Douche.

["Heroes with Time Machines"]

Gohan:
Dad, could you kick an angel's ass?

Goku:
You're damn right I could.

[A loud thumping is heard on the roof as Goku and Gohan look around]

Gohan:
Is that Santa on the roof?

Goku:
Well if not, I got a present for him. [racks handgun slide]

[Santa falls hard out of the chimney]

Gohan:
Santa, Santa!

Santa:
Oh! My mother[bleep]ing knee, Oh, [bleep]! [Bleep]! Dog [bleep]! [Bleep] it all to Hell that hurts like a mother[bleep]!

Gohan:
Dad, what's a [bleep]?

Goku:
Uh...er...heh. So, uh Santa, what happened?

Santa:
Bandits, Goku; they stole my reindeer, and all the presents...and my pants!

[Goku covers Gohan's eyes. Cut to Composite Santa Claus, the Nutcracker, and the Little Drummer Boy at the North Pole]

The Nutcracker:
Ha ha ha, Christmas is ours!

Reindeer 1:
You'll never get away with this!

Composite Santa:
Ho, ho, ho! [makes a fist] I've got five good reasons for you to shut up: [pulls out a gun and shoots the reindeer five times] One, two, three-four-five!

[Goku and Gohan appeared behind the tree]

Gohan:
Dad, who are those guys?

Goku:
Kung fu legends. That's the Little Drummer Boy, whose mystical drum conjures summon demons most foul. The Nutcracker, who knows over 100 different testicle-based attacks. And Composite Santa Claus, who looks like one half Santa and one half Frosty the Snowman.

Gohan:
What are Composite Santa's powers?

Goku:
I don't know, but he freaks me right the [bleep] out.

Composite Santa:
[spots Goku and Gohan near the tree] Intruders!!!

Little Drummer Boy:
I will conquer the demon with my magical drum! Hahahaha!! [conjures the demons while playing the drums, and drops the sticks]

Goku:
Spirit BOOOOOOOOMMMMBB!!!

Gohan:
: YELLING REALLY LOUD!!

[Goku and Gohan then blasts little Drummer Boy away using their Father-Son Kamehameha technique. In the process, their blasts accidently kills two reindeers]

Reindeers:
Holy [bleep]!!!!

[The Nutcracker is shocked]

Gohan:
[riding the Nimbus Cloud] I'll get this one dad. [the Nutcracker shakes his fist, but is then knocked over and covered by the Nimbus Cloud with Gohan on top of it] You're not so tough!

Nutcracker:
Testicle Attack #49! [punches Gohan in the groin through the Nimbus Cloud]

Gohan:
OW! My Dragon Balls!

[Goku is now seen in the area and is powering up while shouting loudly. Composite Santa does the same, but is standing on the ground. Goku then charges at Composite Santa while they are both shouting simultaneously until Composite Santa states]

Composite Santa:
Okay, I got nothing. [Goku is then seen charging and firing a Kamehameha Wave at the Nutcracker destroying him. As Compote Santa turns to see, his Snowman side melts in an instant] Ah! Temperatures over 32 degrees Fahrenheit...my only weakness! [dies]

Goku:
[exhausted and panting, is joined by Gohan, who is still holding his groin] We...did it.

Mrs. Santa:
[off-screen] Fools!

[Mrs. Santa is seen flying on the scene and lands besides Goku and Gohan]

Goku and Gohan:
Mrs. Santa?!

Mrs. Santa:
That's right. The mastermind behind this evil attack on Christmas is me!

Goku:
But why?

Mrs. Santa:
It all started at the North Pole. [seen at Santa's Workshop in a flashback, holding her head in pain and is joined by two elves] I started getting Terrible Headaches.

Elf:
Mrs. Claus? Are you okay?

[Using some form of telepahty, Mrs. Santa knocks both Elf into the walls beside her, killing them in a brutal display. Back to the present]

Mrs. Santa:
At first I taught it really was my period, but that was not the case as I hit menopause centuries ago. [the Drummer boy comes and does a rim shot, dropping the sticks and leaves the scene] Polar radiation forced an evolutionary change in me. Now I want revenge. [suddenly mutated into a huge blob]

Santa:
Darling! Nooooooooooooo!!!!

Tetsuo:
[appears out of nowhere] Noooooooooo!!!!

[Santa just realized that he's there as he continues shouting and then stops]

Goku:
[to the reindeers] Gohan and I need a minute to rest. It's up to you for now.

Gohan:
I-I think one of them popped.

Reindeer 2:
It's payback time! Let's beat her up so bad, her kids will inherit the bruises!

Reindeer 3:
Yeah, we'll hit her so hard, she'll starve to death rolling!

Reindeer 2:
She's so ugly, we'll push her face in dough and make gorilla biscuits!

Reindeer 3:
She so black, when she go to night school, teacher mark her absent!

Santa:
Tha-That-That's still my wife, guys.

Both Reindeer:
Kiillll!!

{The reindeer attack her; but are quickly killed from her attack. Just then Rudolph shoots a red laser beam using his nose]

Reindeer 4:
Whoa, your nose shoots lasers?!

Rudolph:
You don't think there was a reason it glows red? What does yours shoot? [Reindeer 4 blows boogers from his snout] Eww! To think I wanted to play your games!

[So after Goku and Gohan recover, they both fire a Kamehameha Wave at the mutated Mrs. Claus while Rudolph shoots her with a laser beam. As they continue, the mutated Mrs. Claus shows signs of instability of herself]

Santa:
She's grown too gigantic and unstable! [to the audience] Women, am I right, fellas?

[Goku, Gohan, and Rudolph continue firing until Mrs. Claus turns into a beam shooting up in the air and explodes, leaving only a snowflake falling down towards Gohan's hand]

Goku:
The Tenka'ichi Budôkai is finally complete.

Santa:
What the [bleep] are you talking about?! Was that even English?! What happened to my wife?! [a reindeer licks the snowflake; sighs] This is the last time I bring presents to Japan.

[The Little Drummer Boy appears, does a rim shot, and drops his sticks. Everyone looks at him as he leaves the scene]

Man:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Bad dog. [gunshot]

[Godzilla and Mrs. Godzilla are in bed, discussing about their upcoming act of sexual intercourse]

Mrs. Godzilla:
I don't know...maybe if we use some toys?

Mechagodzilla:
[enters the room] Oh yeah. Gonna finish the job. [using a large drill-like, phallic-shaped sex toy emerging from his chest] I'm about to tame that ass.

Bill Gates:
Hi, I'm Bill Gates. I heard you take insane bets and wondered if you'd be my ass slave for a billion dollars.

Adult:
[sigh] I'll get my coat.

[Atreyu is vacuuming Falkor at home]

Atreyu:
I'm so bored, Falkor. Is anything going on tonight?

Falkor:
Nothing, Atreyu. Nothing.

Atreyu:
What's Bastian up to?

[Cut to Bastian reading the Neverending Story book in the bathroom]

Bastian:
"And then the boy took a big crap." Hey, I'm taking a big crap! Wow!

[Cut back to Atreyu and Falkor]

Atreyu:
Everyone in Fantasia's doing nothing. It's like we've been hit by a nothing storm! I think it's time for a neverending party!

[Atreyu and Falkor fly to the gas station to buy snacks and drinks for the neverending party]

Singer:
♪ Friday night, Boring as can be, Buy some booze, Every cheap, Call up all the crazy... ♪

[We dissolve to the neverending party with characters from the story and party goers]

Female Party Goer:
[to Rock Biter] Those look like big, strong hands.

Rock Biter:
Don't they?

Female Party Goer:
Can you open this for me? [the Rock Biter opens the bottle with his fingers and it sprayed on her] Spray it all over me!

Morla:
[showing off dance moves and falls down on her shell] We are so...wasted.

Childlike Empress:
Say my name, Bastian. [Bastian slaps her fanny] Say my name! [again]

Bastian:
[shouting] MOONCHILD!!!

[Then the music stops at the police officer arrives]

Police Officer This party is ending right now!

Rock Biter:
[kills the police officer with his fist] West side.

[They dance some more]

Singer:
♪ Neverending party... ♪

Senator:
Pan-Global Oil keeps dumping sludge into the Atlantic Ocean!

Ted Turner:
That burns my ass!

Senator:
Forget it, Ted, there's nothing you can do.

Ted Turner:
Maybe I can't, but Captain Planet can!

[One of the members show that Ted's crazy]

Captain Planet:
[in restroom, Ted is changing into Captain Planet] Captain Planet... [The man enters, sees Ted, then walks away. The scene change to the office, Captain Planet runs by] CAPTAIN PLANET! [scene changes to the streets] CAPTAIN PLANET!! [runs past a guy who is holding an aluminum can with a trash can and a recycling can near him; he throws the can in the trash; Captain Planet notices and kicks the man in the face] CAPTAIN PLANET!

[Scene changes to Pan-Global Oil Headquarters, where two senators are talking]

Senator 1:
Where are we gonna dump our sludge next?

Senator 2:
Well, the Grand Canyon could hold a lot of sludge.

Senator 1:
Oh, it sure could.

Senator 2:
Yeah, let's sludge the hell out of the Grand Canyon.

Senator 1:
Yeah. [notices something off-screen] Hey, is that Ted Turner?

Senator 2:
[also notices something, it is Captain Planet on a zipline headed for their office] Yeah, what the hell is he doing?

Senator 1:
I dunno, he's on one of those ziplines.

Senator 2:
Oh, yeah, is that what they call "ziplines"?

Senator 1:
Yeah, ziplines.

Senator 2:
Oh, I never thought—

Captain Planet:
[breaks through the window, knocking away Senator 1 and embedding glass in Senator 2's eye] CAPTAIN PLANET!

Senator 2:
You got glass in my eye!

Captain Planet:
And my foot in your balls! [kicks him in the balls] CAPTAIN PLANET! [holds the senator out the window threatening to drop him]

Senator 2:
What do you want Mr. Turner?!

Captain Planet:
To sign this agreement to not dump any more sludge and I'll let you go.

Senator 2:
Okay, okay! [signs the agreement]

Captain Planet:
This appears to be in order. [drops him] CAPTAIN PLANET! [the senator falls, screaming, to the ground, where he lands in a dumpster and is killed instantly] Protect the environment, or I'll [bleep]ing kill you! CAPTAIN PLANET!

Pikachu:
Pikachu!

Jigglypuff:
Jigglypuff!

Pikachu:
[defeats Jigglypuff with a Thunderbolt] Chu chu chu! Pika pika!

Ash:
Back in your Poké Ball, Pikachu.

[Pikachu goes back inside its Poké Ball]

Misty:
I wonder what it's like inside those Poké Balls?

Ash:
I wonder when you'll shut up and make my dinner!

Gary:
Are you ready to battle, Ass?

Ash:
[growls] My name is Ash! Pikachu, I choose you! [echoes Pikachu, I choose you! You! You! You!]

[Charizard roars]

Ash:
Go get 'em, Pikachu!

Pikachu:
Pikachu. [Subtitle: Douche]

Leonardo:
Oh, no! I just cowabunga'd in my pants!

Raphael:
Barfaroonie! I hope you're wearing adult undergarments!

Leonardo:
It depends!

Michelangelo:
Dudes, where's Splinter?

[Splinter is using his cane to lift a nurse's skirt]

Nurse:
Um, what are you doing?

Splinter:
Looking for Shredder. No, not here. [smiles]

[The title "Bloopers!" appear on the screen before the Bloopers Host walks in]

Bloopers Host:
Is everyone ready for more of those uproarious bloopers? Yeah! Who let the dogs out? [takes a bite of a hotdog] It's time to raise the woof with these mishaps on the Lassie set.

[Cut to the movie set; take 1]

Timmy's Mom:
Timmy's in the well? Let's go, Lassie!

[But the dog harasses the boom operator]

Boom Operator:
Get him off! Get him off!

[Take 2]

Timmy's Mom:
Timmy's in the well? Let's go, Lassie!

[The dog bites the boom operator's private parts]

Boom Operator:
Let go! Dog!

[Take 4]

Timmy's Mom:
Timmy's in the well? Let's go, Lassie!

[The dog chases after the boom operator and bites his head]

Boom Operator:
Get off! Get the dog off me! Help!

[Cuts back to the Bloopers Host]

Bloopers Host:
Boy, that guy really had it rough. [crickets chirping] Speaking of spay and neutering, Bob Barker was accused of dog harassment. Here's a Price is Right blooper.

[Cut to The Price is Right]

TPIR Contestant:
All right, big spin. [spins the wheel, but gets caught and spins around] Hold on.

[Cuts to Family Feud]

Bloopers Host:
[voiceover] If you think that's the only time things got awkward on a game show here's some feud for thought.

Bob Barker Marjorie. [kisses her] Susan. [kisses her] Matthew. [offering him a handshake]

Matthew [stops him] Uh-uh! [kisses Bob on the lips]

[Cut back to the Bloopers Host]

Bloopers Host:
A later host of the Family Feud would hang himself. Britney Spears' Chaotic shocked the world with its private moments and low ratings. Here's some scenes that were too chaotic even for UPN.

[Cuts to the drunken Britney Spears and her husband Kevin Federline who were smoking cigars]

Kevin Federline:
[in his hillbilly voice] We famous, baby. [farts fire] Yeah!

Britney Spears:
[in her hillbilly voice] No, baby. I'm famous. You're only famous because I'm famous. [farts fire as well]

Kevin Federline:
[farting fire] Oh, baby. [then throws up]

Britney Spears:
[chuckles] Stupid.

[Cuts back to the Bloopers Host]

Bloopers Host:
You wouldn't think Nicolas Cage and Michael Jackson have anything in common but they both poked their heads into Graceland and they both had their skulls on fire. Here's a Ghostrider outtake.

[Cut to the movie set of Ghost Rider]

Ghost Rider Stagehand:
Okay, Nick, are you ready?

Nicholas Cage:
Yeah, let's do it. [the stagehand lights a fire on Nick's head] Okay. Here we go. [begins to ride a motorcycle, but then crashes to the wall and falls down]

Ghost Rider Stagehand:
Did anyone teach him to ride a motorcycle? Anyone?

[Cuts back to the Bloopers Host]

Bloopers Host:
Who didn't ass to Hulk Hogan's bulging biceps in the '80s? Let's see what he's up to now in Hogan Knows Best.

[Cut to Hulk Hogan at the dinner table with the family in a parody of Father Knows Best]

Hulk Hogan:
Let me ask you something, brother. Who wants peas?! [no answer] The Hulkster said, who wants peas?! [still no answer. He finally gives in and offering himself a scoop of peas]

[Cuts back to the Bloopers Host]

Bloopers Host:
Hulkamania's running mild, brother! Do you like watching stupid people get injured? So did fans of MTV's ass. The network begged viewers not to try this at home but of course they did!

[Cut to the home videos of stupid teenagers to dangerous things]

Teenager 1:
Y'all recording? Here we go.

Teenager 2:
Yeah! Go! Yeah!

Teenager 3:
Come on, come on.

[Cuts back to the Bloopers Host]

Bloopers Host:
That's all for today. Hope to see you next time for even more side splitting bloopers!

Ron:
Harry, I'm scared!

Harry:
You're always scared, you chicken [bleep]!

Ron:
I can't help it! I'm a scared, pimple-faced, red-headed, chicken [bleep] virgin!

Hermione:
Professor Snape, Harry and Ron were cursed by the monster Pubertus.

Snape:
Pubertus eh? Let's discuss this further in my magical jacuzzi. Barry Whitus, Candle Lightus. Girl Excitus! So...shall we play "Put the Sorting Hat on the Slytherin?"

Hermione:
Pedophilius Repellus!

Draco Malfoy:
Look Potter, I taught the Sorting Hat a new trick. [places it onto Harry Potter's head]

Sorting Hat:
Virgin.

[Students laugh]

Malfoy:
Looks like Potter is "He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Laid." Heheh. Guess the monster Pubertus hasn't quite caught up with you yet, huh?

Hermione:
Ugh, Pubertus is just a myth, Malfoy!

[Malfoy places the hat on Hermione's Head]

Sorting Hat:
Second base!

[Students gasp]

Cheer Bear:
We did it!! We killed all the Care Bear cousins!

All Care Bears:
Hooray for murder!

Cheer Bear:
Now let us celebrate our genocide! Get your party on!

Care Bear:
Whooo!!! Everyone eat some rainbow!

Another Care Bear:
Mmmm...that's good rainbow. [sky darkens and lightning flashes] [Bleep] [bleep]ing [Bleep]! It's the great Cloud Keeper in the sky!

Cloud Keeper:
Care Bears! I have watched your actions with great displeasure!

Cheer Bear:
But, we purified the land of Care-a-Lot!

Cloud Keeper:
For your dark and terrible deeds, I shall turn Care-a-Lot into a dark and terrible place. A hell on Earth; I shall turn Care-a-Lot into... [lightning] ...New Jersey!

[Transformation begins and cuts to a mayors desk]

New Jersey Mayor:
Hello. I'm New Jersey's Governor John Corzine. I hope you've enjoyed this reenactment of our state's proud history: The Garden State. [eats some rainbow] Come get in on some of this rainbow.

Little Girl:
[singing] Doo doo doo la la doo doo doo! [sees Pegasus with foot caught in a bear trap and gasps] Horsey!

Pegasus:
Oh, thank goodness you found me. Little girl, please set me free!

Little Girl:
Don't move! I'll be back!

[The little girl leaves while Pegasus looks at his caught foot. Then she returns with a pair of hedge clippers]

Pegasus:
Oh, I thought you were getting help. Oh, [chuckles] those will not cut through the tra- [but the little Girl uses hedge clippers to slice off Pegasus' wings] AAAAAAAAOOOOOOWW!!!! AAAOOOOOOOW!!!! OHHH! OOHH! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?! OHH!!!

Little Girl:
[puts pail full of food on Pegasus' head] Here, eat these magic healing oats.

Pegasus:
[in pain] Okay! [eats oats] They smell kinda' funny, uh, did you drug me? [faints in the side effects of the drugs]

[Then the little girl gets a bucket of pink paint, and begins painting Pegasus with it. Later, Pegasus wakes up in a farm, painted like a My Little Pony horse]

Little Girl:
There! Don't you look pretty?

Pegasus:
[in shock] I'm in a catastrophic amount of pain!

Little Girl:
Oh, Sunny Muffins, you're my BESTEST FRIEND!

Pegasus:
My name is Pegasus! [the little girl whips him] OW!

Little Girl:
Sunny Muffins! [whip!]

Pegasus:
OW! Pegasus!

Little Girl:
Your name is [whip!] SUNNY MUFFINS!

Pegasus:
It's Pegasus! [whip!] OW! Oh, Go-God! [whip!] Why?!?

Little Girl:
Sunny Muffins! [whip!] SAY IT!

Pegasus:
You bitch!

Little Girl:
C'mon, [whip!] say it, say your name, what's your [whip!] name?!?

Pegasus:
[bursting in tears] Sunny Muffins!

Little Girl:
What's your name?

Pegasus:
My name i-is Sunny Muffins!

Little Girl:
I love you! [kisses Pegasus, and leaves laughing] Ha, Sunny Muffins!

Pegasus:
[still crying, looks behind him] Who are you?

[A griffin with chopped off wings and also painted appears]

Griffin:
Honeyflake, apparently.

Fast-food Worker:
[practicing to himself at a drive-through window] Would you like fries with that? Would you like fries with that? Would you like fries with that? [car pulls up] Uh, excuse me! Would you like flies with that? [realizing his mistake] Ahhhh dammit! Dammit!!

Dr. Claw:
With Skynet online, Gadget is under my complete control! And I'll use him to wipe out my true nemesis - that meddlesome twelve-year-old niece of his!

[while deciding who gets to beam off the ship]

Lt. Uhura:
Uh, I have a vagina.

Scotty:
Sure.

Mr. Spock:
A vagina could prove quite useful.

Red Shirt Crewman:
I'm Toby the Red Shirt. You need a red shirt, you just do.

Mr. Spock:
Quite logical.

Scotty:
Sure.

[The whole crew on the planet looks to the Red Shirt Crewman on who to eat first]

Red Shirt Crewman:
Aww, hell, no! You know what? [Bleep] all y'all!

Mr. Spock:
It is your duty as a crewman.

Red Shirt Crewman:
Screw that. On behalf of all the red shirts who fell before me, it makes me proud to speak the following sentence. [long pause, deep inhale] I'm the only one who brought a gun. [pulls out phaser]

Kirk:
Uh-oh.

[Black screen, you hear a long phaser shot; shows the Red Shirt Crewman eating Kirk's arm]

Red Shirt Crewman:
Mmmmm, that's good ham.

[We start out with Peter Pan, who floats by a window of the Darling kids' bedroom]

Peter Pan:
Come on, let's fly! [flies upward off-screen]

John:
[jumps out through the window and tries to fly, but falls] I can fly- [crashes below and dies with a splatting sound]

Wendy:
[also jumps out through the window to fly, but also falls] To the sky- [also crashes below with a louder splat and dies]

Michael:
[also jumps out, tries to fly, and falls] Yahoo- [is also killed below with an even bigger splat]

Peter Pan:
[flies back downward] Remember to think happy thoughts before you- ''[realizing that the children have died] Uh...uh...uh.

Bomb-Diffusing Robot:
This is some serious bull[bleep].

Murky:
If only we had Rainbow Brite's magic star sprinkles, we'd turn the whole world gray!

Bartender:
Guys, every night with this. What's so great about turning the world gray anyway?

Lurky:
Well, it's really more of a metaphor.

Owner:
[whips out a cigarette lighter] If you wanna do something evil, arson is pretty evil.

Murky:
[punches bartender] Shut up!

Lurky:
I say we break into Rainbow Brite's place and take all the star sprinkles we want!

[Later, at Rainbow Brite's house, Murky and Lurky scour the house looking for star sprinkles]

Murky:
[looking under the bed] None here, what's under the sink?

Lurky:
Tampons!

[A noise at the door]

Murky:
Uh oh, game over, man! Game over! Rainbow Brite's gonna kick our asses if she finds us in here!

Rainbow Brite:
Oh, good God! What a day! [farts] Damn! I was holding that in for hours. [grabs a beer bottle and slumps on the couch to watch TV] Hahaha! Black people are so much funnier than white people. Damn! I am effin' starvin'! [grabs a frozen Sprite out of the fridge and puts it in the microwave. Murky and Lurky try to escape but Lurky trips over a pile of magazines, and Rainbow Brite notices them] Intruders!

Murky:
Let's get the [bleep] outta here, man!

[Rainbow Brite uses a chainsaw and kills Lurky & Murky, splattering everything in the living room with blood. The next day, Rainbow Brite addresses the Color Kids and Sprites...]

Rainbow Brite:
Dear Citizens of Rainbow Land, We have changed our ways and are moving to Tibet to help fight Chinese tyranny. Signed, Murky and Lurky."

Buddy Blue:
I knew those guys weren't so bad.

Romeo Sprite:
Um, has anyone seen my cousin Blinky? He hasn't been around lately.

Rainbow Brite:
Um..."P.S.: Blinky came with us."

[The Color Kids and Sprites nod to each other, and Rainbow Brite winks at the viewers]

[Someplace where the sun shining bright, the camera pans down to a young Indiana Jones using the Staff of Ra to focus the sun's rays]

Young Indy:
Blam! Blam! Take that! [fries the ants with the staff]

Teacher:
[shows up and snatches the staff away from Indy] Young man, if you are not going to use the Staff of Ra properly, then you can't use it at all!

Young Indy:
Aww!

Teacher:
You'll get this back at the end of the week. [walks away with the item, leaving Young Indy to kick the ground in frustration]

Young Marion:
[runs up to Indy] Indy, you have to help me! Those bullies stole my dolly!

[The Leader Bully laughs evilly as he and his friends tortures Marion's doll. Young Marion cries and Young Indy walks over to confront them. The bullies' torture of the doll stops as they see Young Indy glaring down at them]

Leader Bully:
What do you want, Henry?

[Young Indy takes his snatches the doll away from the bullies and into his arm and tips his hat to the trio before running off. A group of boys are play catch and stops as Young Indy run through them and so does the bully trio as they mow down the group. Next, Young Indy goes to the slide and goes on it before jumping off then, swings to the hoop rings to other side. The bullies grabs a boy in a plastic bubble]

Bubble Boy:
Please, no! I-I'm easily nauseated! [being pushed by the trio]

[Young Indy tries to return the doll to Marion, but quickly runs as he sees the bubble boy rolling towards him in a fashion like a boulder trying to crush him. He trips over the rock as the bubble boy rolls over him, and into busy traffic causing Young Indy to wince as a crash happen off-screen. He checks his head looking for hat and spots it near the merry-go-round. Young Indy looks back and sees the trio still chasing him and jumps onto the merry-go-round causing it to spin wildly as he reaches for his and grabs it. One of the bullies tries to grabs him, but gets kicked into a spinning rope between two girls and screams in pain as Indy finally returns the doll to Young Marion, who looks on with gratitude as he bail to the car. The two remaining bullies continue to chase Young Indy while blowing spitwads at him]

Young Indy:
Start the station wagon, mom! [his mom stops doing her crossword puzzle and looks at her son] Start the station wagon!

[She starts the car as Young Indy slides other side of the car. The bullies blew more spitwads as they hit the car window. Young Indy looks on with a victorious grin as they sped leaving the bullies frustrated while he catches his breath]

Young Indy's Mom:
How was school, honey? Did you make any new friends?

Young Indy:
[looks down at the shake in shock] There's a shake in the car, mom! WHY IS THERE A SHAKE IN THE CAR?!?!?!

Young Indy's Mom:
What? I picked up some Burger King for you!

Young Indy:
I hate shakes, mom! I HATE 'EM!!! [folds his arms] Wanted a soda.

Man:
[sitting on top of a chimney] Hey, baby, Merry Christmas. Yes, I know I said I'd stop calling but it's the holidays and I just wanted to say how happy I am that you found someone new. Is he there right now? Oh the whole family is there opening presents. Well that's just great because I have a present for you. [starts cutting his head off, which falls through chimney]

People in the House:
Oh God! Santa?

Archie:
What if you can't avoid the Grim Reaper?

Betty:
Who's he, he sounds dreamy!

Reggie:
Blondes are dumb whores!

[Everybody laughs]

Betty:
Come with me Archie, I'm sweet and innocent.

Veronica:
Come with me Archie, I'm rich and easy.

Archie:
[thinking about it] I choose...

[Betty crosses the street and gets hit by a bus. Veronica looks hopeful at Archie]

Archie:
[still thinking about it, completely oblivious to what just happened] Still deciding...

[Veronica groans]

Moose:
Duh, Ms. Grundy, what's a haiku?

Ms. Grundy:
It's a kind of poem.

Moose:
Duh, what's death?

Ms. Grundy:
Oh Moose, just make yours about football.

Professor Xavier:
It seems some mischief-maker has gone to great lengths to hide a prostitute underneath my podium. Unfortunately, I'm paralyzed from the waist down, and her enthusiastic efforts are for naught. As I was saying, the X-Men - *looks down* I didn't say 'stop'!

NORAD Representative:
Merry Christmas, everyone! As is our tradition, NORAD is tracking Santa Claus' journey down the North Atlantic towards New England on his yearly rounds to give presents to all the boys and girls. [the reporters chuckled] He hasn't responded to our request for a cargo list and passenger manifest. So, as per current security regs, we're ordering him to divert to Canada.

[The reporters chuckled again, but they stopped as the representative glares at them, knowing that he is serious. Cut to Santa Claus riding his sleigh as the Air Force pilots fly toward him]

Santa Claus:
Ho, ho, ho, boys! Merry Christmas! [the Air Force pilot points his finger down, gesturing] Yes, presents down the chimneys, that's what I'm doing.

Air Force Pilot:
Target-Niner degrees.

[They shot the fire missile at Santa]

Santa Claus:
Oh! Captain Miller's a bad boy! [opens Charlton Heston's present to reveal a bazooka] Sorry, Charlie, I'll make it up to you next year. [fires the bazooka at one of the pilots, destroying the jet. But one of them shoots another missile at him] [Bleep]! [getting blasted by a missile]

[The NORAD assistant hands a note to the representative]

NORAD Representative:
[reads it, then looks up] Mission accomplished, gentlemen. The system works.

[The reporters are horrified. We cut to the boy and the girl by the Christmas tree on Christmas morning, but they were disappointed that there are no presents. The end credits started rolling. In the end, the little girl cries and went to the other room as the boy sighs sadly]

Snow Job:
Looks like it's a "GO" Job for Snow Job!

COBRA:
...That was TERRIBLE.

Snow Job:
Yeah; gotta work on that...

Hobbes:
Calvin, your parents don't believe us. We have to kill them. [gets out a chainsaw]

Calvin:
[while at a psychiatrist] This is some bull[bleep]!

Hobbes:
Yeah!

[After evading the police, Mario & Luigi drive up to a prostitute and mistaken her for Princess Peach]

Mario:
Look, Luigi! It's the princess! [to prostitute] Princess, you must-a come with us!

Prostitute:
I'll suck your cock for fifty bucks!

Mario:
Princess!

Luigi:
Do you accept-a coins?

Drug dealer:
[giving Mario a Magic Mushroom] This is some really good [bleep], man.

[Mario eats the mushroom and gets high to heal his wounded shoulder. As his pupils expand, his wanted level is now up to 4]

Mario:
Ah-ha-hi! Oo-hoo! Wow! I feel-a really good! Look at the pretty colors. Ha-hi! Hoo-hoo! Hee-hee!

[Police sirens. The Drug dealer and Prostitute flee from the scene]

Luigi:
Oh, Jesus! It's-a the fuzz!

Mario:
[thinks he see coins on the road] Ah-ha-ha! I-a feel so funny! Look, there's-a coins everywhere! Ha-ha! I'm-a rich!

Luigi:
Mario, no!

[The coins are actually pedestrians as Mario hits them with the car, causing his wanted level to rise to 5, its limit]

Luigi:
I think I should-a drive!

[They crash and fly out of the car]

Officer 1:
Freeze! Put your hands in the air!

[Mario and Luigi do so. Unfortunately, Luigi has a wrench]

Officer 2:
Aaah! He's got a wrench!

Officer 1:
Take him down!

[Officers shoot Luigi]

Mario:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! He's-a marinating in his own Ragù! You killed-a my brother! You sons of-a bitches! [grabs a machine gun and shoots the 2 Officers and blows up the police cars. A helicopter is also shot down and crashes into a nearby building]

[The army and SWAT show up]

Mario:
You'll never take me alive, you mother— [everyone shoots him] Ughh!

[Yoshi drives down the road and comes to the signpost. He turns left, away from Vice City]

Yoshi:
Hmmm... Raccoon City sounds lovely!

[If you look closely at the Raccoon City sign, additional readings are:
"Residents: Evil" and "Pop. 110,000 and dying." Yoshi drives into Raccoon City and promptly gets eaten by zombies]

Man:
She'll have the chef salad and I'll have...I'll have the steak.

Lobster:
Yeah, yeah you better order the steak punk, don't want none o' this bitch, take these rubberbands off an' I'ma go clack-clack all up in your face, mother—

Big Bird:
Uugh! I feel like I'm gonna blow chunks of bird seed! [vomits all over the steps, then falls down]

Elmo:
Oh no, Big Bird has the bird flu!

Grover:
The Word of the Day is Quarantine! Q-U-A-R-A-N-T-I-N-E, Quarantine!

[In a hospital]

Big Bird; Snuffleupagus...is that you?

Doctor:
Oh, he must be hallucinating.

Snuffy:
Hi, Bird, I'm so sorry you're sick.

Big Bird:
I'm scared, Snuffy, thank God you can't get it, since you're not real. [dies]

Snuffy:
Yeah, thank G— [chokes and coughs, then disappears in puffs of smoke]

Count von Count:
[handing out vaccines to Bert and crew of Sesame Street] One vaccine, a-hah-hah! Two vaccines, a-hah-hah!

[The show cuts to a separate bit]

Three Kids:
One of these kids is not like the other, one of these kids is dead!

Announcer:
Today's episode brought to you by the letters C.D.C.

[The channel changes to a screen featuring the words (And now a message from the bees) read by another announcer]

Bee:
Hey, boys and girls, remember to bee yourself. [pauses] And don't [bleep] with us or we'll sting you all at once and kill you.

Sock Puppet #1:
Boy, being a sock puppet really sucks, huh?

Sock Puppet #2:
Yeah, especially when your puppet master is a 14-year old boy who whacks off in your face every night.

[The puppet master chuckles]

Professor:
[laughing] Ah Projaq, you're a gift of former mad scientists everywhere; with your help I'll use my inventions for good, right boys?

[Lightening strikes Robot Number Five]

Robot:
I live! This is awesome! [walks downtown] I'm alive, I'm alive! [townspeople scream in terror] Ahaha, yeah; ooh, sparkly! [breaks glass of jewelry store] Aw, being alive holds such amazing wonders!

Police Men:
Freeze, uh hands a-above your head sir!

Robot:
I love you all! [police shoot at Robot] I want to play too! [shoots machine gun through his stomach] What a great game; I win! [dog barks at Robot] Look at you. [grabs the dog with a harsh grip on dog killing and bleeding the dog] I haven't seen anything so adorable in all my twenty minutes of life; come here you!

Professor:
Well, boys, I hope you...oh my god!

[Robot sleeps on ground with dog in hand]

Police Men:
Freeze copkiller!

Professor:
What, no!

Police Men:
There'd better be a reason! [start shooting]

Professor:
[Struggling to stay up in gunfire] Aah no!

Announcer:
Vanax, get your smile back; but without the desire to build giant robots.

[On the set of the Robot Chicken Telethon set, Fidel Castro, Six Million Peso Man, Humping Robot, Bloopers Host, Mad Scientist, Little Drummer Boy, Eagle-Eye Smith, Robot Chicken, Lammy, Parappa, Sunny Funny, Katy Kat, PJ Berri, Mary Melody, Dot, Alien, and Nerd are all seated with telephones. Seth Green and Matthew Senreich are also present. They chat quietly, then turn to the camera]

Seth Green:
Welcome back everyone, I'm still Robot Chicken executive producer Seth Green.

Matthew Senreich:
And I'm Robot Chicken executive producer Matt Senreich.

Seth Green:
Not enough of you have been calling in to support us getting a third season, but we're gonna change all that right now! Co-head writer Douglas Goldstein, bring out that adorable puppy. [Douglas Goldstein enters the set with a puppy named Snuckles, happily barking] So listen carefully, if you guys don't call the number on the bottom of the screen right now, [Matt brandishes a double-barrelled shotgun] Matt here is gonna shotgun-blast Snuckles' brains all over the ground, you got it? So start calling, bitches! We're not kidding! You have two minutes to ca- [gets cut off when Matt accidentally shoots and kills Snuckles] [BLEEP]! [to Matt] DUDE, WHAT THE [BLEEP]?!

Matthew Senreich:
[sheepishly] Sorry, my finger slipped. My bad.

Seth Green:
[whispering] Matt, I thought we weren't gonna kill the dog!

Matthew Senreich:
[whispering] Dude, it slipped. I'm sorry.

[Douglas exits, dragging Snuckles' corpse along]

Seth Green:
Wow! Okay, um, [thinks for a second, then gets another idea] let's, uh, let's have co-head writer Tom Root bring out Arnold the monkey. [whispering to Matt] Matt, you really gotta be careful, okay man?

Matthew Senreich:
Okay, Okay, Okay.

[Tom Root enters the set with Arnold, a screeching monkey who jumps about]

Seth Green:
[grabbing Arnold and trying to calm him down] Arnold! Arnold, it's Okay, it's Okay, it's Okay! Shhhhhh. It's Okay, buddy, it's Okay. C'mere, it's Okay. Okay, now let's get some phone calls- [gets cut off again when Matt shoots Arnold dead] [BLEEP]! MATT, WHAT THE HELL?!?!

Matthew Senreich:
Somebody put Vaseline on this trigger.

Seth Green:
Dude, I put a $10,000 deposit down on that monkey! I'm not gonna get that back!

Matthew Senreich:
I'm really, really sorry.

Seth Green:
Give me the gun!

Matthew Senreich:
No!

[The two start struggling for the shotgun]

Seth Green:
Give me it!

Matthew Senreich:
No, let go!

Seth Green:
Matt, give me it-

[Matthew accidentally shoots the Bloopers Host, decapitating him]

Bloopers Host:
[decapitated head bounces off the Humping Robot] Oh! Hello!

[Seth and Matt stop struggling]

Seth Green:
MATT!!! You-You shot the Bloopers host!

[The telephones start ringing, and the various characters answer them]

Matthew Senreich:
Seth, listen.

Nerd:
[on the phone] Hey, would you like flies with that?

Matthew Senreich:
They like the violence! We need more violence! [shoots Tom in the head, causing it to explode in a bloody manner]

Seth Green:
[shocked] WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! MATT, THAT'S OUR FRIEND TOM! HE'S - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WE-WE CAN'T HAVE A THIRD SEASON IF WE DON'T HAVE ANY WRITERS!!!

Matthew Senreich:
They love us! [shoots all the Robot Chicken characters dead] Violence!! Ratings!! Come on!! Higher ratings!!

[Cut to a picture of the Stoopid Monkey covered in video tape, with the message "Please stand by. We are experiencing technical difficulties." Then cut back to the Telethon, as Seth and Matt once again struggle for the shotgun. Matt gets the upper hand and hits Seth with the shotgun butt, shoots him in the head, blowing it off in a gory fashion, and finally, shoots the camera. Cut back once again to the Stoopid Monkey]

Zookeeper:
[after the credits] Uhhh...I'm-I'm here to pick up the...monkey? Hello? [picks up Seth's leg]