Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1

Sabrina:
Are you kidding? I'd love to meet the Violent Femmes. When? Where?

Harvey:
Well they'll be signing CD's at Music City in Boston tonight at midnight.

Sabrina:
Midnight! That's perfect. I have no conflicting plans. But I still have to ask my aunts.

Harvey:
Just tell them what I told my parents. It's an astrology field trip.

Sabrina:
Don't you mean astronomy?

Harvey:
Wow, they're paying even less attention than I thought.

Sabrina:
This'll be so much fun. You, me and the Violent Femmes.

Libby:
(Turing around from the next table) You're going to see the Violent Femmes?

Harvey:
Yeah.

Libby:
You have to let me come with you. (Moves to sit down by Sabrina) I will do anything to meet Gordon Gano. You know I hate this word but... Please? The more the merrier.

Sabrina:
(After Harvey gives her a look) All right, you can come.

Libby:
Thanks! This is so great. I love the Violent Femmes.

Gordie:
(Overhearing their conversation) You're going to see the Violent Femmes? Can I come too? (He sits at their table beside Harvey)

Libby:
No! Jeez Gordie, you can't just invite yourself along.

Sabrina:
I thought you just said 'The more the merrier'?

Libby:
Twist my words, why don't you.

Harvey:
Look. It's my car and I say any Femmes fan is welcome. So Gordie, you're in.

Gordie:
Cool!

Harvey:
Cool!

Sabrina:
Cool!

Libby:
Shotgun!

Harvey:
You have to let us in. I mean talk about Violent Femmes. If they don't meet the band there will be four extremely violent femmes, and I'm the one who has to drive them all back to Westbridge along with one love-sick dude. Do not make me do that. You know what I'm saying, you've been there right?

Door guard:
Hartford, Led Zeppelin, 1973. Go on in

Sabrina:
Salem, what are you doing?

Salem:
Nothing!

Sabrina:
You're in a chat-room again pretending to be a woman aren't you?

Salem:
I like the attention

Harvey:
Oh! I'll grab the cat. We can make him chase the light reflected off my watch.

Sabrina:
No! Er... He's not allowed in the living room. Very bad shedding problem.

Harvey:
Really?

Sabrina:
Better if he just stays here and minds his own business.

Salem:
(To himself) Like I don't have anything better to do than spy on her. Wait! I don't

Sabrina:
I passed why is Harvey still a frog?

Zelda:
There's one final detail. To change him back you have to return to the scene of the kiss and kiss him again.

Sabrina:
I have to kiss a frog? That is so gross!

Zelda:
Teenagers, they'll jump through flames but ask em to kiss a frog...

Sabrina:
Morning.

Zelda:
Good morning. Happy birthday, Sabrina.

Hilda:
And many more to come.

Zelda:
Many, many more to come. I, ah, got you a little something. [picks up a wrapped box and brings it over to the table]

Hilda:
Actually, that’s from both of us; I just forgot to sign the card.

Zelda:
[hands the birthday present to Sabrina] I hope you don’t already have one.

[Sabrina opens up the box excitedly and pulls out...]

Sabrina:
[put out] A black pot? Actually, I don’t. Thanks...

Zelda:
It’s a cauldron.

Sabrina:
Wow, even better. I can, um, put my pens in it...

Zelda:
That’s not what it’s for. Sabrina, we have something to tell you. You see there are two realms, the natural and the supernatural and it turns out the immutable laws of physics-

Hilda:
[interrupting] You're a witch.

Sabrina:
[surprised] What do you mean, I’m a witch?

Hilda:
You’re a witch.

Zelda:
Now you're not alone. I’m a witch, Hilda’s a witch, your father’s a witch...

Sabrina:
[skeptical] And I suppose my mom’s a witch too?

Hilda:
I always thought so.

Zelda:
Actually, your mom’s mortal. You see, that’s why you’re here; so that we can teach you how to use your magic.

Mr. Pool:
I’m Mr. Pool. [coughs] And I know you were hoping I was going to spend the day mispronouncing your names, but instead lets jump straight into biology, huh?

[Zelda places a large, old, leather bound book in front of Sabrina]

Zelda:
Here is a present from your father.

Sabrina:
An old book, a black pot - Doesn’t anyone shop at The Gap anymore? [reading the cover] "The Discovery of Magic"... Why’d he give me this? [opens the book to a page depicting a picture of a bearded man in a top hat, labeled Edward beneath it] That’s why! This old magician looks just like my dad.

[The picture turns to look at her]

Ted:
Surprise! [Sabrina gives a little start] It is your dad! Happy birthday, Sabrina!

Sabrina:
[amazed] Wow, Hallmark has gone really high tech! Can he say anything else?

Ted:
I’m not a hologram, honey - I’m just in a different realm.

Sabrina:
A different realm? I thought you were at the Toronto Midway Motor Lodge.

Ted:
[to his sisters] Zelda, Hilda, didn’t you explain to her she’s a witch?

Hilda:
[to the book] She doesn’t believe us!

Sabrina:
[exasperated] Not this again... [closes the book] Look, I know you went to a lot of trouble to set this joke up, so... Ha-ha-ha, now it’s over?

Hilda:
No. It’s just beginning. You are a witch.

Zelda:
With real magical powers, and now that you're sixteen, you can use them. [bemused] And you wanted something from The Gap..

Sabrina:
So, what are you saying? that I’m not who I think I am? You’re not who I think you are? And my father lives in a book?

Hilda:
Oh, finally, she gets it!

Sabrina:
This is insane, I’m going to my room. [gets up and heads for the door] Come on, Salem.

Salem:
Can you wait till I've finished my milk?

Sabrina:
[stops, shocked] Did the cat just talk?

Salem:
Yes, and get this stupid hat of my head.

Sabrina:
[horrified] Oh my God! [runs away]

Zelda:
I think we’d better let her father handle this... Ted?

[The book levitates of the table and goes after Sabrina]

Ted:
[voice muffled by the pages] Sabrina, open me up!

Sabrina:
No!

Ted:
We have to talk, young lady! Open me up this instant!

Sabrina:
No! I don’t want to talk to a book. Oh God, I’m talking to a book! [opens the book] I can’t be a witch! Witches don’t exist!

Ted:
Honey, I know this is hard, but you just have to accept it. You’re not like other kids - you’re special.

Sabrina:
I don’t wanna be special, I wanna be normal!

Ted:
I understand, but... that ship has sailed.

Sabrina:
None of this makes sense. I mean, all these years, I thought you were travelling with the Foreign Service!

Ted:
I am; It’s just a lot more foreign than you thought.

Sabrina:
And Mom? Has she really been digging for fossils in Peru?

Ted:
Yes, she is.

Sabrina:
Then I wanna go live with her.

Te:
You can’t. You see, there’s a rule: If you set eyes on your mother in the next two years, she’ll turn into a ball of wax.

Sabrina:
What?!

Ted:
It’s the way they discourage Mortal-Witch marriages.

Sabrina:
So, is that the reason you and Mom got divorced?

Ted:
No.

Sabrina:
[hopeful] So, d’ya think maybe you could get back together?

Ted:
No - that’s another ship that’s sailed. [Sabrina deflates] You’re going to be fine. Just take some time, and think about all this. And, if you ever need me, I’m in the index.

Sabrina:
I’m a witch and I still have to go to school?

Zelda:
M-hm.

Sabrina:
Unfair. [deviously] Hey, maybe I’ll turn Mr. Pool into...

Hilda:
Now! Now! Be careful pointing your finger at people, it could be dangerous!

Sabrina:
You're pointing at me.

Hilda:
[smiles] I have the safety on.

Harvey:
Can I sit here?

Sabrina:
Sure.

Harvey:
[eases into his seat] How’s your head?

Sabrina:
Um, it kinda hurts.

Harvey:
Sorry, y’know, I didn’t mean to hit you with the football...

Sabrina:
Oh, that was you? [Harvey nods] You have a really good arm.

Harvey:
[smiles] Thanks.

Sabrina:
[gestures to Jenny] Do you know Jenny?

Harvey:
You live in the house with the funny mailbox, right?

Jenny:
Oh, it’s not our fault; The people who lived there before us were actually named Mr. and Mrs. Hog.

Harvey:
No, it’s cute! My mailbox is boring, it’s really just a place to put letters...

Sabrina:
Mine too!

Sabrina:
I hate being a witch! I just turned the most popular girl in school into a pineapple!

Hilda:
Why?

Sabrina:
Because it’s the only thing you taught me how to do!

Hilda:
Relax, I can fix this. [takes the pineapple and grabs a knife] Chunks or rings?

Zelda:
Hilda, there are other ways.

Hilda:
Wedges?

Zelda:
Sabrina doesn’t know how to seal her spells yet, so... [Hilda reluctantly puts down the knife and stands back] "The popular girl is not a fruit." [the pineapple morphs back into Libby] There, all better.

Libby:
What am I doing in your house?

Sabrina:
[unconvincingly] You... came over for a visit.

Libby:
Ha, I would not! You did something to me, you sent me somewhere - It was small and it smelled like Hawaii!

Sabrina:
[apologetic] Look, Libby, I’m sorry, I didn’t-

Libby:
Oh, not as sorry as you will be! You’re an even bigger freak than I thought, and the whole school’s going to know about it! [runs away]

Hilda:
See? My way, she’d be on a tooth-pick.

Sabrina:
It’s over! My life is over! I mean, it’s not just over, it’s over, over!

Zelda:
Oh stop, Libby can’t hurt you. She’s just one person with a crazy story.

Sabrina:
She’s a cheerleader - nobody has more credibility! I mean, the only way to make this better is to turn back time, and you said a witch can’t do that!

Zelda:
A witch can’t, but collectively we do have powers that a single witch doesn’t. It’s a union thing.

Sabrina:
[hopeful] So, it’s possible?

Zelda:
You can appeal to the Witches Council, but they only grant time reversal in extreme cases.

Hilda:
Like for two months, a bunny ruled all of England.

Sabrina:
[confused] When?

Hilda:
See?

Sabrina:
Salem, do you think the council will grant the time reversal?

Salem:
I'm the wrong witch to ask. They weren't very lenient with me. Sentenced to a hundred years as a cat. And for what?

Sabrina:
I don't know. For what?

Salem:
Oh, like any young kid, I dreamed of world domination. Of course, they really crack down when you act upon it.

Sabrina:
Wow. No wonder you're so possessive of the sofa.

Salem:
Mmm. It would've been glorious; Me, as the firm, but just, Emperor of Earth - Trust me, being a house pet wasn't even "Plan B".

Sabrina:
Come on, it's not that bad. You take 5,000 naps a day.

Salem:
I can't go dancing. I can't play squash. The sound of the can opener is the only thing that makes me feel truly alive.

Sabrina:
Salem? Would you like your rubber mouse?

Salem:
...Please.

Sabrina:
I love being a witch! I don’t know what made the Council change their minds, but I got to do the whole day over again, and now the teachers think I’m smart, the jocks think I’m cool- Oh, and I’m going to the movies with Harvey and Jenny Saturday night! Woo-hoo! I’m normal! Gotta go tell the cat! [runs up the stairs]

Hilda:
[shakes her head, bemused] Teens.

Zelda:
What about them?

Hilda:
Just in general.

Sabrina:
Hey, it worked! I pulled a rabbit out of a hat!

Rabbit:
Hey, put me back, my wife Renée is about to give birth!

Sabrina:
Oh, sorry! [puts him back in the hat]

Hilda:
Relax, that happens a lot with rabbits.

Zelda:
Every time he makes a date with Hilda, he breaks it.

Hilda:
He did that once or twice... or maybe a thousand times... but may I remind you that every time that Drell has canceled, he has always sent me a lovely token of his affection.

Zelda:
Yeah, he always sends a pot roast.

Sabrina:
A pot roast?

Hilda:
Flowers wilt - say it with beef!

Jenny:
I think Libby and her friends are talking about us.

Sabrina:
No, they’re not. Don’t be so paranoid Jenny.

Jenny:
Paranoid? They’re pointing at us and laughing.

Sabrina:
Oh, you're right. Well, just ignore them... [beat] Are they still doing it?

Harvey:
You know, the only reason I took Home Ec. was so I could eat during class; Coach says I’ve still got to bulk up, and carbo-loading can get pretty lonely...

Sabrina:
Well, we’ll keep you company any time you have to eat.

Jenny:
Yeah, we’re good at that.

Harvey:
Hey, I’m going to the pizza place tomorrow night to force down eight slices, do you guys wanna watch?

Sabrina:
Sure, cool!

Jenny:
Cool!

Harvey:
Cool!

[Libby and C.C. come down the hallway]

Libby:
Hi Jenny, hi Sabrina.

[They walk on giggling together]

Sabrina:
Hey, is there something funny about our names?

Libby:
Not Jenny’s.

Sabrina:
You know, why don’t you guys just leave us alone? We’re not bothering you.

Libby:
You’re still breathing, aren’t you, freak? [To Jenny] Double freak!

[Libby and C.C walk away, laughing]

Sabrina:
[To Jenny] We can’t let her get to us, [slams her locker shut in frustration] it’s what she wants. I just wish I knew what she was saying...

Jenny:
Well, what difference does it make? Everything Libby says is a lie.

Sabrina:
Hey, maybe we can retaliate by spreading lies about her.

Jenny:
What can we say? That she’s actually nice and sweet?

Sabrina:
Not much revenge in that...

Jenny:
No. Face it, the world’d be a much better place if everyone told the truth - but you can’t stop someone from lying.

[Jenny walks away, leaving Sabrina looking thoughtful]

Zelda:
Hey Hilda, have you seen the Jiffy Truth?

Hilda:
Yeah, it’s in my bag. [goes over to it] I used it last week when I took my car in for repairs; It turns out I really did need new brake pads. [pulls out a box of sprinkles and hands it to Sabrina]

Sabrina:
[reading box] "Jiffy Truth: one hundred percent refined truth, trace amounts of harsh reality. For best results, sprinkle on something sweet as the truth can be bitter."

Hilda:
It is great stuff, it makes you reveal your true feelings. Oh, which reminds me: Zelda, the postman has a crush on you.

Zelda:
[annoyed] That is not what the sprinkles are for! They should only be used in serious matters.

Sabrina:
Well, this is serious; You remember Libby? Well, she’s been spreading lies about me and Jenny and... it’s really upsetting Jenny.

Hilda:
Well, give Libby some sprinkles, and if those don’t work... [pulls out a plastic aerosol bottle from her bag] ..try some Lady Bald Spot. You just spray it, and-

Zelda:
Hilda, that’s enough! Sabrina, you can take the sprinkles, but let me warn you: the truth can have painful side effects.

Sabrina:
Like what?

Zelda:
Itching, chafing, hurt feelings.

Sabrina:
Sounds like gym class.

Libby:
Harvey, you would not believe what I just heard. [without waiting for an answer] Okay, I’ll tell you: That’s not Sabrina’s real nose!

Harvey:
It’s not?

Libby:
Don’t you get it? She had surgery.

Harvey:
Why? What’s wrong?

Libby:
[rolls her eyes] Never mind.

Sabrina:
Do you want to try a piece of our cake?

Libby:
Like I’d taste anything you gave me. What’s in it, poison?

Sabrina:
No, just chocolate. [waves it under Libby’s nose] Lots of chocolate.

Libby:
[smiling slightly] Really?

Sabrina:
And sprinkles.

Libby:
Oh, all right. [takes the plate] But I’m not going to start being nice to you.

Sabrina:
That’s okay... [Libby takes a bite of the cake] I just want to ask you one question: Libby, what have you been saying about Jenny and me behind our backs?

Libby:
Like I’d tell you! [swallows cake, and sprinkles' magic kicks in] Okay, here’s what I was saying: I was saying that her father’s in jail and that she cheats on taxes, and then I threw in that you had a nose job.

Sabrina:
But those are all lies!

Libby:
You don’t have to tell me!

[Jill and C.C. approach]

C.C.:
What’s going on?

Libby:
I was just telling Sabrina all the rumours we’ve been spreading about her.

Jill:
Why? She’s not in the loop!

Libby:
So? [to Sabrina] And by the way, it was Jill who made up the nose job story. Which is actually very funny, because er, she’s the one who... [taps her nose meaningfully]

Jill:
[gasps] You swore you’d never tell!

Libby:
...And C.C., she kisses her Pete Sampras poster every night...

C.C.:
You snitch!

Guidance Counselor: Let me give you the truth, Ricky. You kids come in here and talk about your futures, your dreams—but what about me? You think I wanted to be a guidance counselor? Heck no, I was born to play the blues. [takes out harmonica and sings] I got no future and neither do you, your SAT scores are four-thirty-two. Welcome to loserville!

Principal Larue:
[over the P.A.] Attention students, this is Principal Larue. I just wanted to announce that as soon as I finish this yummy bundt cake, I’m going to the movies, like I do every Friday afternoon — and I’m payin’ for my popcorn with petty cash. Thank you.

Jenny:
So this is nice, just the two of us.

Harvey:
Yeah, no Sabrina. It’s great.

Jenny:
It is?

Harvey:
Sure, now we can order onions. Sabrina hates onions.

Sabrina:
I lied to you when I said I didn’t mind Harvey and you coming here alone. I do mind and I know you guys might be soul mates but...

Jenny:
We’re not soul mates.

Sabrina:
You're not?

Jenny:
No. I mean, Harvey's really cute and he’s really nice, but you can’t build a life on that.

Sabrina:
I’d be willing to give it a shot.

Harvey:
[calling over] Are you guys talking about me?

Both:
Yes.

Harvey:
Come talk about me over here.

Zelda:
I have something to say: I know I said that Drell would stand you up and this date would never happen, and... I was wrong.

Hilda:
I love it when you say that. Will you say it again?

Zelda:
No. Look, just have fun on your date. After all you’ve been through with Drell, you deserve a good time.

'Hilda:
Thanks, bye. Gotta go, I don’t wanna keep Drell waiting. [pause] Although it is kind of a funny image; Drell, waiting. [opens the Linen Closet, stops, then closes it again] I just had the best idea: I’m not going!

Zelda:
[surprised] What?

Hilda:
I’m standing Drell up! I’m going to give him a taste of his own pot roast!

Zelda:
[delighted] Oh Hilda, that’s perfect! Those self-help books are really paying off!

Hilda:
I know! Now, lock me in my bedroom before I change my mind!

Salem:
[eating the pot roast] Oh, I wish my fur had an elastic waist band...

Zelda:
[exasperated] Well, stop eating!

Salem:
I can't!

Zelda:
Sabrina, you should never be embarrassed by the truth.

Sabrina:
Oh yeah? Then why did you change out of your dress?

Principle Larue:
[over the P.A.] Attention students, this is the real Principle Larue. Last Friday some prankster broke into my office and impersonated me. I, of course, was at the district office all day working to make your school a better place. Thank you. [feedback] Do you think they bought that? Huh...? Oh no!

Hilda:
Sabrina, d’ya want some breakfast?

Sabrina:
[glumly] No thanks, I’ll be out 'Rollerblah'ing.

Hilda:
What’s wrong?

Salem:
She wanted inline skates, but she wanted a brand name.

Hilda:
[sympathetically] Oh, you can’t do that. We have strict copyright laws ever since the seventies, when witches way over did the Gucci.

Salem:
You can still get decent knock off’s from the Hong Kong witches...

Salem:
I still don’t understand why I can’t go to parents’ night with you.

Zelda:
Because, Salem, it’s weird enough that we’re two sisters who live together in an old Victorian house - If we show up with a cat, we cross the line into Loonyville.

Sabrina:
Well, I’m off to my job!

Zelda:
You’re all dressed up.

Sabrina:
Yeah, well, I want to make a good impression on the baby. [beat] And Harvey’s gonna be there.

Zelda:
[knowingly] Oh...

Sabrina:
Don’t "Oh" - We have a study date!

Hilda:
[sceptical] Uh-huh...

Sabrina:
Don’t "Uh-huh" - We have a test!

Salem:
Mm-hm.

Sabrina:
Don’t you start! Look, it’s no big deal, I mean Harvey could have asked anyone to study with him. [pauses, smiles] Of course, he did ask me...

Harvey:
[about the house Sabrina's babysitting at] You should have just said "it’s the house with the flying duck on the mailbox".

Sabrina:
You really notice mailboxes, don’t you?

Sabrina:
[holding several candy bars and soda cans] I’ve found all kinds of great stuff! It’s, uh, not brand name, but I’m sure it tastes fine. [puts them on the coffee table]

Harvey:
[reading the wrappers] ‘Schnickers’? ‘N&N’s’? ‘Butterthumb’? Where do these people shop?

Sabrina:
I don’t know, but if you're thirsty, there’s ‘Popsi’.

Harvey:
Do they have ‘Yoo-hoo’?

Sabrina:
No, but they have ‘Hey, Over Here’.

Harvey:
I think I’ll just have a diet Popsi.

Hilda:
I need to go to the nurse.

Mr. Pool:
Er, is there a problem... [looks at Hilda's nametag] ...Mrs. Spellman?

Hilda:
Yes, it’s my tummy-

Zelda:
No, she’s fine - and it’s "Miss Spellman".

Mr. Pool:
Who are you?

Zelda:
Oh, I’m also "Miss Spellman". We’re Sabrina’s aunts - Sisters, not an alternative couple.

Mr. Pool:
So you’re, uh, single?

Zelda:
[flattered] Yes, and you?

Mr. Pool:
[grins slightly] Extremely.

Hilda:
[to herself] Now I really am gonna throw up...

Sabrina:
[catches Salem playing with yarn] Salem... What are you doing?

Salem:
Er... nothing?

Sabrina:
It looks like you're playing with a ball of yarn.

Salem:
I have urges, Sabrina.

Sabrina:
Look, can we deal with your issues later? I’ve got a bigger problem. [picks him up and carries him away]

Salem:
[mournfully] My yarn!

Sabrina:
This magic ruins everything! He’s supposed to be in his crib sucking his thumb, and I’m supposed to be studying with Harvey!

Zelda:
Oh...

Hilda:
Uh-huh...

Sabrina:
Stop that, this is serious!

Zelda:
Oh, calm down Sabrina... Just try to figure out exactly what you did.

Sabrina:
I don’t know, I don’t remember! Rudy was crying, I picked him up, I said "big boys don’t cry" and I rubbed his back!

Zelda:
Did you say anything else?

Sabrina:
I don’t think so...

Rudy:
Be a big boy!

Sabrina:
...He’s right, I said ‘be a big boy’!

Zelda:
And I bet you said it three times!

Hilda:
Oh, mystery solved; You cast a passion spell!

Sabrina:
Passion spell? What’s that?

Hilda:
If you want something enough, and you say it three times, it might just happen.

Zelda:
We like to call it a Travis.

Sabrina:
Why?

Zelda:
Randy Travis, Randy Travis, Randy Travis.

[a slightly bemused Randy Travis appears next to her]

Hilda:
I love this spell.

Randy Travis:
What a...What am I doin’ here?

Zelda:
Oh, we were just illustrating a point for our niece. I hope we haven’t caught you at a bad time...

Randy Travis:
No, it’s fine. My wife does wonder where I keep popping off to, though... Will there be anything else?

Hilda:
Maybe later.

Randy Travis:
If you need me, you’ll know where to find me. You always do. [leaves the classroom]

Hilda:
Now, he is so cute!

Zelda:
Oh, I love his new album...!

Sabrina:
Can we get back to me, here?

Sabrina:
Salem, you're back. How was jail?

Salem:
Not bad, there’s a guy in solitary convinced Alan Derchowitze appeared to him as a talking cat. I told him I’d call the governor and plead his innocence.

Sabrina:
See? I told you it was nice to help people.

Salem:
Are you kidding? I’m not calling.

Drell:
Sabrina, why don’t we begin by you explaining to us why we’re here?

Sabrina:
I don’t know.

Drell:
Stop me if something sounds familiar: Athletic injury, fixed election, altered immutable laws of physics.

Sabrina:
[meekly] Oh. That.

Zelda:
[alarmed] Sabrina?!

Hilda:
You didn’t?!

Sabrina:
I was just trying to help people!

Drell:
"Help" is a four letter word, like "Dumb" and "Move". Am I right?

Sabrina:
Well, first all, the people I helped were happy.. but now, only one is, and he’s happy enough for all three of them, though. So-

Drell:
Now, I should explain to you that when I say "Am I right?", IT’S A RHETORICAL QUESTION! Because I’m always right.

[After Mr. Pool has lost his knowledge of how to make gold]

Sabrina:
Mr. Pool, do you have a minute?

Mr. Pool:
[depressed] Yes, a lifetime of them. And they are suddenly going by very slowly.

Harvey:
My parents are making me have an Halloween party.

Sabrina:
Bummer. Next thing you know, they’ll make you go on a ski trip.

Harvey:
No, see, my Dad always buys in bulk at these discount clubs, and we got a lot of snack food that expires in November.

Sabrina:
Oh, so that’s why it says "all food must be eaten by midnight"...

Harvey:
I’m thinking about going as James Dean.

Sabrina:
I love James Dean!

Harvey:
Yeah, and all I need is a white T-shirt, some jeans and somethin’ to lean on... Anyway, I was hoping you could come early and help me set stuff up?

Sabrina:
[disappointed] Oh, I can’t, I’ve got a family thing. My aunts take Halloween very seriously. I know it’s weird...

Harvey:
No, no, my mom’s that way about Flag Day.

Sabrina:
Please? I have to go to Harvey’s party!

Zelda:
No!

Sabrina:
What if I promise to be with the family all Thanksgiving?

Hilda:
We’re not big on Thanksgiving - That holiday was started by Puritans who weren’t exactly witch-friendly.

Sabrina:
[snide] So instead we celebrate a night devoted to little kids dressing up like superheroes?

Zelda:
That is not what All Hallows Eve is all about! It’s a time for remembering the dead!

Sabrina:
[sarcastic] Oh, that sounds like fun! I just know I’ll have a terrible time!

Hilda:
And that’s what family gatherings are all about; D’you think I want to listen to Cousin Marigold brag about how married she is and how single I am? No!

Zelda:
But we go, because it’s tradition.

Hilda:
And Zelda makes me.

Sabrina:
And now you’re making me?!

Hilda:
See? Tradition!

Sabrina:
Hi, Amanda. I’m your cousin, Sabrina.

Amanda:
You better be nice to me, or I’ll put you in a jar.

Sabrina:
[taken back] Excuse me?

Amanda:
I put all the people who aren’t nice to me in jars. [picks up a jar with a tiny person trapped inside, and puts it on the table] This is Mr. Altree; he tried to teach me math.

Sabrina:
Can he breath in there?

Amanda:
Yes, I gave him air holes. [to the man in the jar] Here’s a math problem, Mr. Altree: five air holes minus one air hole is how many? [places her finger over one of the air holes]

Mr. Altree:
[frightened] No, please! I wanna live! [gets down on his knees] I wanna live!

Amanda:
See? Nobody likes pop quizzes!

[Amanda takes the jar away]

Mr. Altree:
I wanna live!

Amanda:
[to a disturbed Sabrina] Do you wanna put someone in a jar?

Sabrina:
No! My aunts taught me it’s not nice to use magic to hurt other people!

Amanda:
[snootily] Well, my parents let me use magic any time I want, and I don’t even have to ask.

Sabrina:
[under her breath] Brat...

Amanda:
[sharply] What was that?

Sabrina:
Nothing!

Marigold:
[showing Hilda and Zelda photographs] ...And that’s Harold and me in front of our villa. You know, if either one of you ever has a honeymoon, you really must take it in the south of France. [beat] On second thoughts, don’t wait; I wouldn’t want you to miss out!

Hilda:
Excuse me, I’m in no hurry to get married.

Zelda:
That’s right! Hilda is single completely by choice, because she refuses to settle for any of the losers she’s been dating.

Marigold:
And Zelda? What’s your excuse?

Hilda:
Zelda doesn’t need an excuse. She’s passionate about her intellectual pursuits. Her love life is all in her head.

[Amanda runs up to the table]

Amanda:
Mommy, look what I did! [slams a glass jar down on the table]

Zelda:
[shocked] Is that Sabrina?!

Hilda:
What did you do to her?!

Amanda:
She wouldn’t colour with me.

Marigold:
[delighted] Oh, that is so cute!

Sabrina:
[to her aunts] Can we please go home now? I’m really not having any fun! [to Amanda] I’ll colour with you Amanda, please, let me out!

M’Lady:
Salem, you’re the only one who understands me.

Salem:
Yeah, but it doesn’t mean I care.

Hilda:
[to Zelda, watching Amanda opening her present] There’s nothing like watching Halloween through the eyes of a spoiled child.

Amanda:
A solid gold dolly! Thank you, Mommy!

Marigold:
It’s from Mommy and Daddy!

Hilda:
We got Sabrina something too.

Zelda:
' [to Sabrina] Here you go. [hands her a small envelope] It’s from both of us.

Hilda:
[warmly] Happy Halloween.

Marigold:
[patronising] Oh, a nice card. Kids love those...

[Sabrina opens the envelope and takes out the card]

Sabrina:
[reading card] It’s a gift certificate... "To spend half an hour with the deceased of your choice". What’s this?

Marigold:
[surprised] You got her a Reanimation? Those are very pricey.

Amanda:
[upset] I want a Reanimation! I want a Reanimation! I WANT A REANIMATION! [Marigold drags her away]

Sabrina:
This is the weirdest gift... What do I do with it?

Hilda:
It’s yours to spend as you like.

Zelda:
But you must use it tonight - the gap between the living and the dead is weakest on All Hallows Eve

Salem:
You are not going to believe what M’Lady just blurted out!

Zelda:
What?

Salem:
Come close. [whispers to them]

Zelda:
[gasps] I don’t believe it! Marigold is splitting up with Harold?

Hilda:
[delighted] Oh, this is the best Halloween, ever!

Sabrina:
...So, I moved in with Aunt Hilda and Aunt Zelda. They do more weird things by nine a.m. than most people do all day. They take really good care of me.

Granny:
I always liked them. So tell me, how’s school? Do you still like science?

Sabrina:
Yeah! My teacher, Mr. Pool, can be really annoying... But he’s actually a good guy.

Granny:
Do you have a boyfriend yet?

Sabrina:
There’s a guy I like, his name's Harvey... But right now, we’re just sorta friends.

Granny:
Oh, well, he’d be a fool if he doesn’t fall for you!

Sabrina:
You think I’m the prettiest girl in the world.

Granny:
That’s because you are. And smart, too!

Sabrina:
[bashful] Thanks. [pause] But, Granny... There’s something I want to tell you, only, well... it’s kinda strange.

Granny:
Well, Sabrina, you know you can always tell me anything.

Sabrina:
...I’m a witch.

Granny:
[beat] Well, dear, as long as you’re happy.

Sabrina:
Hi, I’d like to take half a minute to talk to you about the true meaning of Halloween. It’s not about candy and costumes, it’s about family and showing them how much you care. So, don’t buy into the hype and commercialisation of the season. This Halloween, stay home with your loved ones. Just gather round the Jack-O-Lantern and remember: the true meaning of Halloween is inside you. Right Salem?

Salem:
There’s a pound of candy corn inside me.

Sabrina:
Ignore him. Happy Halloween.

Zelda:
We’ll be downstairs if you need us.

Hilda:
That’s right: We’re here. We care. [smiles] And we have pie!

[Hilda and Zelda are adding ingredients to make the Personality Glaze for Sabrina's Man-Dough date]

Hilda:
Let's make him a great dancer.

Zelda:
And a daredevil.

Hilda:
And a musician!

Zelda:
[frowns] Do girls still like musicians?

Hilda:
Ever since Mozart’s "Feel the Heat" tour. [Zelda hums in a "good point", manner] Oh, I overdid the enthusiasm.

Zelda:
He’s going to a high school dance - he’s going to need all the enthusiasm he can get.

Libby:
[sees Sabrina dancing with Chad] Oh my god... Who's that guy Sabrina’s with?

Jenny:
[dances over, smug] His name's Chad Cory Dillan; and yes, that’s his motorcycle outside. [dances away laughing]

Sasha:
Well, I guess Sabrina wins.

Libby:
Ha! I don’t think so. Come on Harvey, let’s hit the floor!

Harvey:
[grabs her arm] Actually, Libby, I don’t dance.

Libby:
Excuse me? This is a dance, guess what we do here?

Harvey:
Well you see for me, dance is sort of a metaphor.

Libby:
For what?

Harvey:
...I don’t know, something else?

Sabrina:
So where’s Libby?

Harvey:
Bathroom, I guess. She’s mad at me ’cause I don’t dance.

Sabrina:
Really? I would have thought you’d be good at that.

Harvey:
[smiles slightly] Well, I’m okay when it’s just me rocking out in my room... [quickly] I mean, I don’t spin around the pole or anything, but... I get really self-conscious in front of other people.

Sabrina:
[emphatically] We all do.

Harvey:
[snorts] Not your date.

Sabrina:
Oh, Chad’s kinda special.

Harvey:
Wow, you really like him, don’t you?

Sabrina:
No! I meant, like, different.

Harvey:
Do you wanna head over to the Slicery and play a little foozball?

Sabrina:
[enthusiastic] Yeah, I love foozball! [beat] Sorry, I've been hanging out with Chad too long... Well, I'll go tell him I'm leaving. [heads back into the school]

Harvey:
I like you, Sabrina. [sighs] Why can’t I say it to her face?

[Sabrina is held back in class by Vesta, her substitute teacher]

Vesta:
[seriously] Sabrina, we need to talk.

Sabrina:
[worried] Did I do something wrong?

Vesta:
Yes. [starts laughting] No! [takes off her glasses] Don’t you recognise me?

Sabrina:
...Should I?

Vesta:
Oh, I’ll give you a hint: [snaps her fingers and her clothes change] I am your Aunt Vesta!

Sabrina:
Let me guess... from my father’s side of the family?

Vesta:
Bingo! I even carry a photo of me holding you as a baby. [pulls out the photo and shows it to Sabrina]

Sabrina:
Oh, look, There’s Aunt Hilda and Aunt Zelda... [frowns] ...Is that Andy Worhol?

Vesta:
[sighs happily] Those were the good times. I don’t know why, but the eighties are always the best decade of every century.

Sabrina:
Look, I’d really love to stay and talk, but I’ve gotta get to class.

Vesta:
Don’t be silly, we have a lot of catching up to do! [to herself] Now, where can we find a good cup of coffee? Oh, I know! Paris! [snaps her fingers once more, and they both are transported to a riverside cafe in Paris] Voila!

[Sabrina stares at her surroundings for a moment]

Sabrina:
...You know the weirdest thing? [grins] I’m missing French class to be here.

Sabrina:
My other aunts don’t let me drink coffee.

Vesta:
[sarcastically] Yes, the evil bean. I’m sure they’re full of all sorts of "cant’s" and "don’ts", like [in Hilda's voice] "Don’t stay up too late!", and [in Zelda's voice] "No, you can’t get a tattoo!"

Sabrina:
[amazed] You sound just like them!

Vesta:
We lived together for two hundred years, but we’re very very different. You see, they actually enjoy living on Earth and I can’t stand mortals for too long.

Sabrina:
[uncomfortable] You know I’m half mortal?

Vesta:
Oh, not that there’s anything wrong with that, darling! It’s just that, well, mortals seem to have to work so hard for everything. It tends to make them bitter.

[after letting Sabrina stay at the Pleasuredome with Vesta]

Hilda:
Are you insane?! You left without a fight! What were you thinking?!

Zelda:
That I want Sabrina to come home.

Hilda:
Me too! Now, let’s go back and get her - I’ll hold Vesta!

Zelda:
No, that won't work! If we tell Sabrina she can’t stay, then we’ll just be playing into Vesta’s hands.

Hilda:
Can we say it and just not use the word "can’t"?

Zelda:
Hilda, we’re giving Sabrina a chance to change her mind. Have a little faith, I think she’ll come home.

Hilda:
[catches on] Ooh Zelda, sneaky! You had a scheme!

Zelda:
Well, Vesta is my sister. [leaves the room]

Hilda:
[to herself] I want a scheme!

Sabrina:
Aunt Vesta, we need to talk.

Vesta:
[confused] Did I do something wrong?

Sabrina:
No, I did. Look, I shouldn’t be here, I should be at the movies with Jenny.

Vesta:
Oh, but that’s so ordinary! I mean, you could be a rock star!

Sabrina:
[interupting] I’m not a rock star, I’m a karaoke singer - and not a very good one, at that!

Sabrina:
How did you get into magic anyway?

Joel:
The truth is, I thought it would make girls like me.

Sabrina:
And did it?

Joel:
See, that’s the tragedy: girls hate magic. But I still do it, because magic makes me feel special... But, I guess you wouldn’t understand that.

Sabrina:
Actually, I would.

Joel:
If only magic were real...

Zelda:
That was my old collage buddy.

Hilda:
Galileo?

Zelda:
No, Ethan Bodiker. He’s coming over tomorrow night for dinner.

Hilda:
Oh, Zelda, you have a date!

Zelda:
It’s not a date, it’s dinner with a colleague. And you’re welcome to join us.

Hilda:
I’d rather die, but thanks.

Zelda:
Thank goodness she left. Now we can talk about the first millisecond after the Big Bang. See, I think-

Ethan:
LOVE ME!

Zelda:
[shocked] What?!

Ethan:
I’m sorry. It’s just that, we finally get rid of your weird sister, and all you can talk about is the Big Bang?! I came here tonight hoping for more than science - I wanted you to look into my eyes and see something other than rods and cones! I love you, Zelda. Don’t you realise that?

Zelda:
You never said anything!

Ethan:
I’ve been playing footsie with you all night!

Zelda:
That was you?! I thought it was the cat!

Sabrina:
You know Joel, someday some girl will appreciate all your hard work. Maybe not in high school, but I’m sure by late college... Well, I’d better get going.

Joel:
So I... I guess this is it?

Sabrina:
I guess. [pause] No wait, we have English class together?

Joel:
Oh, right! So, I’ll see you tomorrow.

Sabrina:
Yeah, see you.

[Sabrina goes upstairs as Hilda enters the room]

Hilda:
What’s going on? [to Joel] Who are you?

Joel:
I’m Joel. [a beat, then he jumps away, shocked] Wait, you can see me?!

Hilda:
Yes. And you’re not wearing any pants.

Jenny:
Hey Harvey, help us out: Sabrina’s got a problem.

Harvey:
What’s up?

Sabrina:
Well, I was thinking of joining the Science Club-

Harvey:
Really? I didn’t know you were a geek.

Sabrina:
I’m not. That’s the problem; I’m afraid everyone will think I am.

Harvey:
Well. they will.

Jenny:
I explained that we can’t change the whole system just for her.

Sabrina:
Well, why does everyone have to be stuffed in a category? I mean, I don’t get it, look around: [points at various tables] The cheerleaders only eat with the cheerleaders, The geeks only eat with the geeks... I just don’t want to be labelled.

Harvey:
You have no choice. You have a grace period as a new student, but pretty soon, you’re going to be stereotyped.

Sabrina:
Well, what are you guys?

Harvey:
Well, I’m a quasi-jock with semi-literary aspirations and a hint of denialism.

Sabrina:
If only it was that simple for me. Jenny, what are you?

Jenny:
I tried to be an outsider, but I didn’t really fit in. Now Libby calls me a freak, and I’m okay with that.

Sabrina:
Well... why can’t I just be me?

Harvey:
That’s a pretty small group.

Gordie:
[to himself] There’s a girl in Science Club... Don’t... Panic...

Sabrina:
Hey, how’s it going?

[Gordie makes an intelligible noise]

Sabrina:
Libby caught me coming out of Science Club.

Zelda:
You went to Science Club? Oh, that’s wonderful!

Sabrina:
No, it’s not! Now Libby thinks I’m a complete geek!

Hilda:
I knew this would happen; it’s Zelda’s influence. I begged you to watch TV with me so you’d be normal.

Zelda:
Oh, be quiet! [conjures a helmet (with a visor) on Hilda's head]

Hilda:
Hey! It’s dark in here!

Zelda:
[to Sabrina] Now, it shouldn’t bother you what Libby says-

Sabrina:
It shouldn’t, but it does. I wanna use my magic to teach Libby a lesson.

Zelda:
That sounds very constructive.

Sabrina:
I’m going to give her a snout!

Hilda:
[raises her visor] Oh, good idea!

[Zelda flicks her finger at Hilda and the visor snaps shut]

Zelda:
You need to talk to my friend Cicero, he’s an expert on these matters. Come on, we’ll look him up in the book. [leads Sabrina up the stairs]Are you coming, Hilda?

Hilda:
Yes! [tries to stand, but fails] No... I can’t. My outfits too heavy... but it’s very useful!

[Zelda manages to look up Cicero in the Magic Book]

Zelda:
Hello Cicero.

Cicero:
[to himself] There’s a girl looking at me... Don’t... panic...

Zelda:
[to Sabrina] Ask him what he’d do, he’s very knowledgeable.

Sabrina:
Hey Cicero, I’m Sabrina and I have a question.

Cicero:
Ask away, but make it quick; If the centurions catch me here, it’s a guaranteed swirly in the aqueduct.

Sabrina:
...Okay... See, there’s this girl in my school, and she keeps calling me a geek, and I really don’t like it.

Cicero:
I suggest that you ignore her. Okay, bye-bye. [starts edging towards the edge of the page]

Sabrina:
No, wait! I can’t ignore her, no one can ignore her! You’ve gotta help!

Cicero:
Well... There are two ways to teach her a lesson. The first is to just give her a snout...

Sabrina:
I knew it!

Zelda:
[exasperated] What’s the second?

Cicero:
Give her a taste of her own medicine: turn her into a geek. She’ll see how it feels and she’ll learn that it’s what’s inside that really counts.

Sabrina:
But how can I do that?

Cicero:
A simple spell; just, [pushes his finger up the bridge of his nose, then points] point.

Sabrina:
Like this? [repeats his action]

Cicero:
[embarrassed] Well, actually, you just have to point; My glasses were slipping.

[Sabrina enters Science Club]

Sabrina:
Hey, I brought my rock tumbler.

[the club members, including all turn to stare at her]

Libby:
[coldly] May we help you?

Sabrina:
[confused] What are you doing here?

Libby:
I’m the new president. And by the way, membership is closed - Science Club is now limited to six people.

Sherman:
That’s how many can fit in the Space Shuttle.

Sabrina:
You can’t do that! Where’s Mr. Pool?

Libby:
I sent him for Tang and Fig Newtons. Besides, you don’t belong here. You’re not a total geek, is she guys?

The Science Club:
No, she’s not.

Howard:
Yeah, you never sat with us at lunch.

Sherman:
And what’s you're eyesight, 20-20?

[they all laugh]

Sabrina:
Well, stab me in the back with a protractor, why don’t you? I can’t believe you guys are siding with Libby! She used to make fun of you all the time!

Sherman:
Yeah, but now she’s our leader!

Gordie:
[under his breath] She’s not my leader.

Libby:
What did you say, Gordie?

Gordie:
I said... you’re not my leader... you, you’re pushy and bossy... [hides behind Sabrina] ...And if Sabrina goes, I go.

[Scene cuts to the hallway as Gordie and Sabrina run away]

Sabrina:
That was very brave of you, Gordie!

Gordie:
Don’t talk, run!

Sabrina:
I just thought you should know the kid next door is chucking water balloons at our house.

Zelda:
Mm, I know. Hilda already went out there, she said she was going to do something about it.

Sabrina:
He’s such a little creep, he’s going to break my window.

Hilda:
[from outside] YARR! prepare to be boarded, Timmy!

[there's a loud boom and a flash from outside and the sound of breaking glass]

Sabrina:
What was that?!

[Hilda enters the room with a soot blackened face and wearing a tricorne hat, holding up a ram rod triumphantly]

Hilda:
Yes! I used my cannon - it stays!

Zelda:
What's all the noise?

Hilda:
Everything okay?

Sabrina:
No! My trophy won't shut up.

Hilda:
Well just tell it to... Huh?

Sabrina:
It keeps calling me names. I don't know what's happening.

Zelda:
I take it you decided to compete in Kung Fu?

Trophy:
Yeah and she won. Cheater!

Zelda:
That explains it. The trophy is speaking your guilty conscience.

Sabrina:
You told me to decide for myself, and I did!

Trophy:
And you decided wrong.

Sabrina:
How do I get it to stop yapping?

Hilda:
Well, you could put a teeny weeny sock in his mouth, or you could clear your conscience.

Sabrina:
[to the trophy] Okay, I was gonna run you under hot water but now you get nothing.

Sabrina:
Salem, were you in my closet again?

Salem:
Yeah. So?

Sabrina:
You ruined my favorite Christmas sweater!

Salem:
Yeah. So?

Sabrina:
It meant a lot to me!

Salem:
Then you shouldn’t have hidden your diary under it.

Sabrina:
You were reading my diary again?

Salem:
Yes, and it’s duller than dish water...

Sabrina:
I’ve told you a thousands times...

Salem:
...When I was a teenager we-

Sabrina:
...Stay out of my stuff-!

Zelda:
Stop it, you two! It’s Christmas Eve and I don’t want any more arguing. Salem, you owe Sabrina an apology. [Salem says nothing] Now!

Salem:
I’m thinking of how to word it.

Hilda:
Try "I’m sorry".

Salem:
Somehow, that just doesn’t feel right...

Sabrina:
Forget it, I don’t have time for this. I’ve gotta meet Harvey at The Slicery, but now I’ve gotta change, thanks to you!

Salem:
Since you thanked me, can I ask a favor?

Sabrina:
Excuse me, cat? You want a favor?

Salem:
Yeah. Can I tag along to The Slicery? I’ve got a touch of cabin fever, and I'd really like to-

Sabrina:
Are you insane?! I wouldn’t bring you to The Slicery if you were the last person-slash-cat on Earth! [Storms off]

Salem:
[nonchalant] Man, what’s her problem?

Hilda:
You are so self centred, even for a cat.

[Thinking of a way to get Salem home]

Sabrina:
Can we focus? Okay, we have five witches and a newt, we should be able to do something.

Hilda:
I’ve got it: We all hide inside a giant wooden horse!

Zelda:
[sarcastic] Hmm, that worked so well the last time.

Sabrina:
What if I use my magic to pop into the house and grab Salem?

Zelda:
Too risky; if the little boy sees you, you're caught. How will you explain it?

Sabrina:
I wouldn’t, I’d just knock him down and run out of there as fast as I could.

Hilda:
Oh, good plan! [Zelda nudges her ribs. Hard] Bad plan.

Salem:
Zelda, you’ll never guess who called! I’ll give you a hint: Shelly.

Zelda:
Shelly? Your ex-girlfriend? The one who left you?

Salem:
She didn’t leave me! She just needed some time by herself.

Zelda:
For two decades?

Salem:
Three. But, and I repeat, but by the sound of her voice, I’d say she has crawling back on her mind!

Zelda:
I see... Did you happen to mention that you’re a cat now?

Salem:
Is it that noticeable?

[Sabrina tries to pick up a pencil, but she falls off her chair]

Mr. Rothwell:
[accusingly] What was that?

Sabrina:
[quickly stands up] I dropped my pencil.

Mr. Rothwell:
[scoffs] Oh, please! I know what’s going on here; you were leaning over to look at your neighbour's test!

Sabrina:
[shocked] No! I-!

Mr. Rothwell:
[interrupting, snatching Sabrina's test] That’s it! Come sit at my desk, you’ll take the test there! Then I won't have to worry about you cheating!

Sabrina:
But I’ve never cheated on a test in my life!

Mr. Rothwell:
Then this should be no problem.

Hilda:
What’s going on? I heard an explosion! [notices Sabrina] Oh, you're just making soup.

Sabrina:
No, I’m stirring up a little revenge for Mr. Rothwell.

Hilda:
What happened?

Sabrina:
It was so humiliating. He made me take the test in front of the whole class.

Hilda:
Like some sort of zoo monkey?

Sabrina:
Yeah. [imitates monkey] Co-Co hate teacher-man! [normally] Anyway, I know I flunked. So, I’m giving him an expanding butt until I can find the perfect revenge spell.

Hilda:
Well, you know nothing says "Pay-back" like [points to page in Magic Book] "Just Desserts"

Sabrina:
[reading outloud] "The spell that guarantees he’ll get what’s coming to him"!

Hilda:
But, it’s only to be used as a last resort. You might want to try and deal with him the mortal way, first.

Sabrina:
You mean TP his house?

Hilda:
No. Talk to him.

Sabrina:
I don’t want to. You talk to him.

Hilda:
Mr. Rothwell?

Mr. Rothwell:
Yeah?

Hilda:
Hi, I’m Hilda Spellman, Sabrina’s aunt. I wanted to talk to you about the test she took today.

Mr. Rothwell:
Excellent timing, I’ve just finished correcting them. I’ll find hers.

Hilda:
Oh, thanks. See, she’s upset because she thinks she’s failed, but I know she didn’t because she’s very bright and she studied so hard-

Mr. Rothwell:
[interrupting] She got an ‘F’

Hilda:
[shocked] That’s impossible! Are you sure you added it up right?

Mr. Rothwell:
[mockingly] Miss Spellman, I’m a math teacher but feel free to double check. [He gets up from his desk to put the marked papers away and shows off an inordinately large butt. Hilda stifles a giggle] There were fifteen questions. The first five were worth forty points, the next five worth forty-five and the last five were worth fifteen. Sabrina got two of the biggies, three of the middies and one of the babies for a grand total of forty-five points. What percent of a hundred?

Hilda:
Oh! I-er... Fifteen questions, one hundred points, thirty-two... I have no idea!

Mr. Rothwell:
Forty-five percent! Jeez, no wonder she failed...

Hilda:
[gasps] But I didn’t have a chance to study for this meeting!

Zelda:
I wanted to discuss this rationally but you’re making it hard.

Mr. Rothwell:
Hey, she failed the test - what do you want me to do about it?

Zelda:
But the circumstances were unfair!

Mr. Rothwell:
Look, if it makes you feel better, you can blame this on me. But I think we both know these problems start at home.

Zelda:
[sharply] What problems?

Mr. Rothwell:
Hey, if the kid can’t master the quadratic equation, that says to me: dysfunctional family.

Zelda:
[angered] We function just fine!

Mr. Rothwell:
Tell it to her social worker.

Judge Samuels:
Would the defendant like to make a closing statement?

Mr. Rothwell:
[irritated] Yes, I would! Your honour, I’m not a baby-sitter. I’m paid to teach math, and that is what I do. Yes, I could be more sensitive, but let’s face it: The world is full of people like me. People who chose favourites. People who don’t accept excuses. People who are ‘Unfair’. Well, life is unfair and I’m just helping my students to get used to that.

Judge Samuels:
Mr. Rothwell, just one last question: Do you intend to teach high school for the rest of your life?

Mr. Rothwell:
[scoffs] Are you kidding? I’m just doing this until I can start up my own software company.

Judge Samuels:
Thank you. Well, I will return with my decision and a fresh cup of cocoa.

Sabrina:
Wait a second, how can being sentenced to teaching high school be sufficient punishment?

Zelda:
Because it’s the worst thing Mr. Rothwell can imagine.

Sabrina:
But now kids are going to be stuck with him, year after year!

Zelda:
Well, whether he means to or not, he teaches a valuable lesson.

Sabrina:
Some people are just jerks?

Hilda:
Yes, but if you study hard and you don’t let him get to you, you will pass algebra and then you can forget it. But he’s trapped in math forever.

Sabrina:
So he did get his just desserts...

Hilda:
M-hm. And now, I think we should get frozen desserts.

[Salem lies on the windowsill, sighing heavily]

Sabrina:
Poor Salem. Are you going to be okay?

Salem:
I guess... with time... No...!

Sabrina:
Don’t worry, you’ll be happy again soon.

Salem:
Please! Shelly was the love of my life! What would ever replace her in my heart?

Sabrina:
Maybe this’ll help;

[Sabrina conjures up...]

Salem:
A GIANT BALL OF YARN?! [leaps onto it] OH, THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER!

Sabrina:
[smiles] I thought you’d like it.

Salem:
Like it?! I don’t even remember her name!

Sabrina:
...So then, Jenny’s dad landed on Park Place, and to pay the rent he had to borrow money from her little brother. It was super-funny.

Harvey:
My family can’t play board games, not since the Pictionary incident. [Jenny and Sabrina look him questioningly] I still can’t talk about it...

Hilda:
Hi, kitten! I just made tuna noodle casserole! [lifts lid of casserole dish and is enveloped by a cloud of steam] What do you think? [coughs]

Sabrina:
I think you’re both over done. [pulls out a piece of paper] Here, I made a list of possible topics for tonight’s dinner conversation. Now, if one doesn’t work, move on, but don’t stray from the list. [hands it to Hilda]

Hilda:
Hey, I think I know what to talk about. [reads list] Towels?

Jenny:
This is such a great place! I mean, how many people have their own turret?

Sabrina:
I don’t know, me and Rapunzel?

Jenny:
There’s a totally gothic feel to this place, like anything could happen!

Sabrina:
[pointedly] Could... but doesn’t!

Jenny:
Too bad, that’s like my dream... Hey, I got an idea; Wanna tell each other secrets?

Sabrina:
[alarmed] Secrets?

Jenny:
I’ll go first, okay? Ever since I read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, I’ve believed in other realms. Like the way Edmund pushes past the coats and falls into Narnia? I think that could happen if we could just find the door... Wouldn’t that be amazing?

Sabrina:
[unconvinced] Yeah...

Jenny:
[to Salem] Hey kitty, do you know where the linen closet is?

Salem:
Meow.

Jenny:
I know it’s snooping, but all that talk about towels made me wanna check theirs out. [walks over to the Linen Closet]

Rulebearer:
Do you mind if I smoke? It’s only bubbles.

Sabrina:
Go ahead.

Rulebearer:
Oh, I’ve been trying to quit, but my job is so stressful... [blows on her pipe]

Sabrina:
Stress? Tell me about it.

Rulebearer:
I’m sorry about the rules. I don’t make them up, I only read them... And personally, I think #714 stinks. I mean, what is so bad about mortals?

Sabrina:
Nothing. Especially Jenny, she was the coolest.

Rule-bearer:
So, why not find a loophole?

Sabrina:
[surprised] There are loopholes?

Rulebearer:
Yeah, don’t you know the rule?

Sabrina:
What rule?

Rulebearer:
I’m off duty, but... [proclaiming voice] "Rule number 803: For every rule, there is a loop-hole." [normal voice] In fact, there are more loopholes than rules.

Sabrina:
So, there’s a chance I can save Jenny?!

Rule-bearer:
Yeah - but not for another five minutes, I’ve gotta finish my bubbles.

Sabrina:
Listen up: "Mortals without concious knowledge of the realm may walk in and out of it freely." [smugly] Loophole!

Zelda:
But Jenny already has concious knowledge

Sabrina:
So we get rid of the concious part

Hilda:
We knock her out?

Sabrina:
No. We convince her she’s having a dream. Then she can leave.

Drell:
No, she can’t!

Rulebearer:
Yes, she can. [holds up scroll] I have it in writing.

Drell:
[disappointed] Oh, toothpicks!

Rulebearer:
Sorry. Rules are rules, but loopholes are loopholes!

Zelda:
Now, we'll empty our minds.

Hilda:
That, I can do.

Salem:
[seeing Sabrina's wart] Whoa! Who's your new friend?

Zelda:
[delighted] It’s her first wart as a witch!

Hilda:
Oh, let me get the camera!

Sabrina:
What am I gonna do? Harvey and I are supposed to give a report on the rain-forest today, but I am not going to school like this! [gestures to wart]

Zelda:
You can’t skip school because of a wart. It’s part of being a witch.

Hilda:
It happens to all of us; I once had one on the end of my nose for a decade. [laughs, then stops] Actually, it wasn’t that funny, I wanted to die. Just be glad you can cover yours with a baseball cap. [conjures up a cap for Sabrina]

Salem:
Orioles? I didn’t know you were a baseball fan.

Hilda:
I’m not - I’m a Brady Anderson fan. He is hot! I love those side-burns!

Salem:
Yeah. I may be a house pet, but I totally see it...

Sabrina:
[after discovering her Biosphere can't be fixed with magic] Great! Great, great, great!

Hilda:
That’s the spirit!

Sabrina:
[angrily] I was being sarcastic! [storms off]

Hilda:
So was I...

Hilda:
Oh, I know what I want; Flan! [conjures some up] It’s so wiggly!

Salem:
I don’t know whether to eat it, or attack it.

Sabrina:
I’m in such a good mood.

Zelda:
Well then, we should celebrate.

Hilda:
And there’s no better way to celebrate than with a woggly joggly flan! [conjures up a flan]

Sabrina:
[happily] This is great! Great, great, great! [Zelda, Hilda and Salem give her a hard look] I was being sincere!

Hilda:
Look, we’re really sorry we embarrassed you...

Zelda:
...And we feel we owe you some fun. So... [conjures up a vacuum cleaner]

Hilda:
Ta-da!

Sabrina:
[unimpressed] I get to clean the house?

Zelda:
No, you get to fly!

Sabrina:
On a vacuum?

Hilda:
Yes! See, old time witches used broomsticks, but vacuums are much faster and more efficient.

Sabrina:
You’re gonna let me fly? I don’t believe this!

Zelda:
It’s true. You proved tonight that you can handle the responsibility...

Hilda:
...And we were very impressed by the way you refused to buckle to peer-pressure...

Zelda:
And most importantly, you called us your friends.

[They group hug]

Sabrina:
[tearfully] Stop, you’re embarrassing me.

Harvey:
Hey, Sabrina.

Sabrina:
Louis XV.

Harvey:
No... What are you doing over vacation?

Sabrina:
Oh, I’m going skiing with my aunts.

Harvey:
Out West?

Sabrina:
Actually...North. How about you?

Harvey:
I’ll be here. In fact, I was hoping you’d be here too, so maybe we could do stuff.

Sabrina:
Really? I wish I had known. I love doing stuff.

Sabrina:
Wow! Awesome photo of Elijah Wood!

Nana:
Oh, he’s my little honey.

Sabrina:
[surprised] You know him?

Nana:
Noah Wyle introduced us.

Sabrina:
You know Noah Wyle?!

Nana:
Only through Christian Slater.

Sabrina:
I love Christian Slater! How do you know these people?

Nana:
Well, when you get to be my age, you know just about everybody.

Hilda:
So how was your date with Rick?

Zelda:
Oh, not so good. I’m starting to feel really weird about the age difference. I mean, normally I don’t care about these things, but Rick keeps bringing up stuff that makes me feel old.

Hilda:
Like what?

Zelda:
Oh, he keeps talking about how he can’t wait for the turn of the century - Big deal, I’ve done that five times!

Hilda:
Oh, and it’s always the same; I’ve partied like it was sixteen ninety-nine, seventeen ninety-nine, eighteen ninety-nine... this time, I’m staying home.

Zelda:
Exactly.

Sabrina:
I just don’t get why they’re making us read 1984 when Orwell got so much wrong...

Sabrina:
[filling out a form for the Boston Cat Show] Okay, name... "Salem Spellman"...

Salem:
May I remind you, I’m your cat, not your pet? I have my own last name.

Sabrina:
You do?

Salem:
It’s Saberhagen, Salem Saberhagen.

Sabrina:
And what breed are you?

Salem:
American Shorthair... and darned proud of it. Write that down, the judges will eat that up.

Sabrina:
That’s all we need! [frowns] Except for the five dollar application fee...

Salem:
Don’t look at me, I’m maxed out!

Gordon:
What can you tell me about Salem’s temperament?

Sabrina:
Well he’s very friendly, very focused and... [covers Salem’s ears] ...just a little power mad.

Gordon:
Sounds like he’s all cat.

Sabrina:
Right, and he’s got a real head for numbers; May I demonstrate? [places a board numbered from 0 to 9 on the desk] Ask him a simple multiplication question.

Gordon:
[taken back] Okay... Salem, uh... What’s seven times five? [Salem places his paw first on the three and then on the five] Amazing! [beat] Although, we do judge purely on appearance...

Sabrina:
Isn’t that life?

Sabrina:
Look, I don’t know much about adult relationships, but I know you’re making a big mistake.

Gail:
[skeptical] Oh, really?

Sabrina:
Yeah, my Dad’s the coolest. I mean, he’s fun and thoughtful and kind, and if there’s a good movie, on he’ll let you stay up late.

Gail:
I’m well aware of your father’s good points - that’s why I said "yes" when you asked if I thought we’d get married.

Sabrina:
So, what’s the problem?

Gail:
He said no.

Sabrina:
He just needs time. The divorce was really hard on him and my Mom. They thought their marriage was gonna last forever - Not twelve years, which is a lot shorter... So, now he’s a little freaked out, but just be patient. I keep telling him he has to move on. [stops] We all have to move on...

Gail:
How much time do you think he’ll need?

Sabrina:
Well, it’s hard to say... But the question you have to ask yourself is not "do you want to get married", but "do you love my Dad"?

Gail:
...I do.

Sabrina:
Then, you should be together - it’s as simple as that. You know that love between two people is stronger than any legal document.

Gail:
Yes. But as a lawyer, I’m not supposed to admit it...

Sabrina:
I guess I don’t have to worry about Mom, anymore...

Salem:
She’s happy?

Sabrina:
Yeah, she loves her work, and her colleague is really cute... So, I’m pleased to say everyone’s moved on.

Salem:
Not me, I’m stayin’ put. There’s an exciting shaft of light on the ceiling that’ll keep me here for the next five hours.

Sabrina:
[looks up at the ceiling] So there is. [smiles] Well, enjoy it, Salem - you deserve it.

Sabrina:
What are you watching?

Hilda:
My favorite soap opera: The Burden of Desire

Sabrina:
Catch me up while they jacuzzi.

Hilda:
Okay, Blake just quit Sherman Enterprises in anger precipitating a family crisis in which Norma turned to Frank, not Nick, for comfort.

Sabrina:
Now that’s a Thursday. Why can’t my life be exciting like that?

Hilda:
It can.

Sabrina:
Really? How?

Hilda:
Use a spell.

[She points at the coffee table and a yellow can appears]

Sabrina:
Worms? What am I supposed to do with a Can O’ Worms?

Hilda:
Open it. All emotions will become heightened. But be careful; remember, you have to take the good with the bad.

Sabrina:
Gimme, I’ll take whatever I can get. [opens the can]

Sabrina:
So, what did you wanna tell me that couldn’t wait till twelve thirty-seven?

Harvey:
Something I should have said a long time ago: I think we should go steady.

Sabrina:
Steady? I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.

Harvey:
And I want to give you something so we’ll never forget this moment. [hands Sabrina a jewellery case]

Sabrina:
[opening the case] A bracelet! It’s beautiful.

Harvey:
Read the inscription.

Sabrina:
"Harvey digs Sabrina"!

Harvey:
Look on the back.

Sabrina:
[confused] Twelve thirty-six?

Harvey:
That’s what time it was when we first spoke in the cafeteria on your first day at school.

Sabrina:
Oh, Harvey... [puts on the bracelet] It’s perfect.

Harvey:
No, you’re perfect.

Hilda:
Sabrina, what’s going on?

Sabrina:
It’s this spell, it’s totally out of control! Make it stop!

Zelda:
We can’t do that. You opened a Can of Worms and until they wriggle their way to a dramatic climax, you’re stuck.

Sabrina:
But I am in so much trouble! The police think I stole the ring Mr. Pool bought for the nurse, but Libby’s setting me up to get me out of the way because she wants to steal my boyfriend who has amnesia.

Hilda:
Oh, this is even better than Burden of Desire! [Sabrina glares at her] Except that it’s happening to you...

Witch Cop:
Does this belong to you?

Hilda:
Sabrina, what's going on?

Witch Cop:
I caught her over Brooklyn flying with a full bag and trailing a lot of dust. That warrants an emissions citation, but when I attempted to pull her over, she took off!

Sabrina:
I was looking for a well lit area!

Sabrina :
I can't believe this, I'm missing The Smashing Pumpkins!

Salem :
Bummer T. Jones III.

Hilda:
Oh no, she's gone again!

Sabrina:
No, I'm not. I'm on the bed.

Hilda:
How'd you get over there?

Sabrina:
Salem carried me in his mouth.

Salem:
It took all my self control not to eat her.

Sabrina:
Whoa! Do you know what's just dawned on me? You guys had lives before I got here. This is amazing, we have a lot of catching up to do. So, were you ever kids?

Hilda:
Yes, although it was back in the fourteenth century. There were no phones, no TV's, things were very different

Teacher:
Nobody had a 'witch' card. Every single card said 'townsperson'. I didn't create the witches, you did.

Stuart:
Stuart Clarkson here. You have a legal emergency?

Sabrina:
A troll has asked for my hand in marriage.

Stuart:
Did you sign a contract?

Sabrina:
Yes.

Stuart:
Did you read the contract?

Sabrina:
No.

Stuart:
Have a nice wedding.

Harvey:
Is Sabrina home?

Zelda:
No. I’m sorry.

Harvey:
[disappointed] Me too... Well, when you see her, could you tell her... that I’ve thought about it, and I’m willing to accept whatever weird situation she’s in. That’s all, see ya.

[Harvey turns to leave, when Zelda notices the words "The Termite King" written on the back of his jacket]

Zelda:
Harvey! [he stops] Would you come in for a moment?

Harvey:
...Sure. [enters the house]

Zelda:
I couldn't help but notice your jacket... Who is the "Termite King"?

Harvey:
My Dad. That's his company.

Zelda:
Which would make you the Termite Prince!

Harvey:
And that's why I'm leaving the area when I go to college.

Sabrina:
[after magically growing her hair out, ala Rapunzel] Harvey, climb up my hair!

Harvey:
You're okay with that?

Sabrina:
Yeah, just don't split any ends.

Harvey:
I always knew there was something magical about you Sabrina, and now... [the spell wears off, causing him to forget] What was I saying?

Sabrina:
You were telling me... What Mitosis is.

Harvey:
...Right! [beat] What is it?