Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #60

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 5,729 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Jon:
You love that knife so much, why don't you marry it? Then her name could be Mrs. Sergei Asshole.

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added 2 months ago

Jon:
Float like a butterfly, sting like a frrt!

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added 2 months ago

[Jon and Sergei fight while talking]

Jon:
Oh! Jonny headbutt!

Sergei:
I taught you well.

Jon:
Yes, you did. And now it's time to say farewell. Oh! See what I did there? I took your dumb line and I made it rhyme. Oh! Look at that I made that one rhyme. Extry! Extry! Read all about it! This guy can rhyme, and there's no doubt about it!

Sergei:
You just rhymed "about it" with "about it"!

Jon:
So what, dude? It's called Poetic Freedom.

Sergei:
You mean "License'.

Jon:
No, I mean "Freedom" -- Like freedom for you to die. Bye-bye!

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added 2 months ago

[as Jon and Sergei were about to fight, Sergei takes off pants]

Jon:
Ooh. Underwear fight. No probskis. Little skin-on-skin combat. Why not? [takes off his pants] Check out these sweet snugs. Not bad, right? Pretty good. Yeah, it's a pretty solid brief. Yeah, check this out. I picked up a couple other pair. Couple colors here. Got black. You can't go wrong with black. It's a classic, sexy look. Got navy. Maroon's pretty sweet. I also got this pattern here. They had this other one -- It was like this orange. Had an off-green. You wouldn't think that color combo would work, but it TOTALLY DOES!

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[Jon meet his match with Sergei]

Jon:
David is dead.

Sergei:
Good. But you're supposed to stay in America and exist the rest of pathetic life in misery.

Jon:
Change of plans, dude. Broke your mind hex. Brainwashing is no match for a father's love for his son.

Sergei:
His dead son.

Jon:
Yes. Unfortunately, David was killed before I could break the hex. But the student has returned. Only, now I am the master.

Sergei:
Does that make me student? Do I need student I.D.?

Jon:
Yeah!

Jon:
I mean, no. You don't need an I.D., but yeah, you're the student. And you're going down!

Sergei:
If I'm going down, then what's up with you?

Jon:
Shut up! Your mind games won't work on me anymore. You're about to be killed by the killing machine you created, asshole.

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added 2 months ago

Jon:
[singing] Going on a hike. I did not bring my bike. If I got poison ivy, that, I would not like. Especially if it was on my dick. Unh!

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[Jon tells his son to runaway after he killed his bodyguard that was he didn't meant to do when he got brainwashed]

David:
WHY ARE YOU CHASING ME?!

Jon:
I DON'T KNOW!

David:
HOW'D YOU LEARN THOSE MOVES TO KILL T.B.?

Jon:
I DON'T KNOW! HEY, I WENT BY MY OLD LOFT! WHERE'S ALL MY STUFF?! LIKE, WHERE'S MY FERRERI POSTER?!

David:
I HAVE IT!

Jon:
OKAY, GOOD! GOOD! 'CAUSE I WANTED TO PASS IT DOWN TO YOU SO YOU COULD EVENTUALLY PASS IT ON TO YOUR SON...OR DAUGHTER!

[Jon still chasing his son in the woods]

Jon:
Or if you don't want kids, that's okay! I'll support that choice best I can as a father!

David:
No, I want to have kids!

Jon:
Great! Oh, and by the way, if you ever get the chance, you absolutely have to go to Iceland at some point! Place is filled with 10s! You'll bone a 10 every night!

David:
Awesome! I'll think about it!

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added 2 months ago

[when Jon got his identity memorized, he goes to see Greg DiPietro's office about what happened a year later]

Greg DiPietro:
You find an address taped to your body, you go see Jay, you go to your loft, and you remember who you are?

Jon:
That's right.

Greg DiPietro:
Do you have any recollection of what happened to you?

Jon:
I remember Sergei killed the boat driver, took us up to Canada, and from there, we hopped a freighter to Iceland. Ended up having this just incredible dinner. Hangikjot -- I don't know if I'm pronouncing it right. It was smoked lamb. So succulent-- Dripping off the lip. [imitates munching] And the waitress -- Talk about some curves. Oh! Ooh! It's like the land of 10s. There's a 10. There's a 10. There's a 10. There's a 10. Who's behind me? Another 10. Ooch! In the beach. In the sand! Me and my buddies, we call it Aca-poke-er. Here's a quarter. Good for you. Dud will look cool as hell, first of all. They're not gonna find [bleep] right? Wait till I tell Eddie!

Greg DiPietro:
Anyway...

Jon:
Sorry. Um, next thing I remember is waking up on the shore -- Here.

Greg DiPietro:
I don't think there's any doubt that Sergei will make his way back to town, and he won't rest until you are dead. T.B. will be assigned to you and David until we can get you both out of New York and somewhere safe.

Jon:
Sounds to me like we're about to pull a Kurt Russell.

Greg DiPietro:
Hmm?

Jon:
We're gonna escape from New York. LET'S GO GET DAVID!

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added 2 months ago

[Jon comes by to the Russian Social Club to see if Sergei is here due to all the changes that happened to this club recently since Yvgeny started his own company]

Yvgeny:
What are you doing here?

Jon:
You know me?

Yvgeny:
Where is Sergei?

Jon:
Who? Look, I woke up on a beach this morning. Okay? I don't know who I am. Got this in a package, figured I'd come here, see if it would help me figure things out. Thought there might be a vodka rager going on, maybe a bunch of hot honeys, I dip my wick, maybe a good bone's all I need to jar my memory. I mean, who knows, right? Worth a shot.

Yvgeny:
Look, I don't know what's going on, and I need you to leave. I am legitimate businessman now. No crime, no murder -- Nothing. I don't want any trouble.

Jon:
[speaking Russian] That's the problem. Everyone knows Sergei should have been in charge. You are a disgrace to your family name and a disgrace to your father.

[business guys getting ready to bash Jon]

Jon:
Whoa. Guys, I do not know how I just said that or what I said, but, uh, judging by your reaction, it was not good.

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added 2 months ago

Yvgeny:
Burrito-flavored vodka is a go.

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added 2 months ago

Jay 2:
I can't believe it.

Jon:
You know me?

Jay 2:
Well, yeah.

Jon:
My name is Jon?

Jay 2:
Yeah. What do you mean?

Jon:
Woke up on a beach this morning. I didn't know where I was. I don't know who I am.

Jon:
For some reason, I've got the urge to tell you to shut the [bleep] up. Does that mean anything to you?

Jay 2:
Yeah.

Jay 2:
Hey, I received a package for you a couple weeks ago. I didn't think you'd come. I-I thought you were dead.

[Jon opens up the package and sees a vodka]

Jon:
"Knock Knock Who's There Vodka"? What is this?

Jay 2:
Wow -- Y-You really don't remember anything.

Jon:
No, I don't. Look, I'm sorry I don't remember you. I'm sorry if I ever told you to shut the [bleep] up. You seem like a nice man.

Jay 2:
Thank you, Jon. You have no --

Jon:
Shut the [bleep] up.

Jon:
I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. Just...

Jay 2:
Yeah.

Jon:
Shut the [bleep] up! SHUT UP! [voice breaking] I'm sorry! I don't mean any of this!

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added 2 months ago

[Old guy founds Jon on beach]

Old Guy on Beach:
You okay, buddy? You need some help?

Jon:
Where am I? What city is this?

Old Guy on Beach:
New York.

Jon:
I'm in New York?

Old Guy on Beach:
Yeah. Must've partied pretty hard last night, huh? Was it a beach party? Were you on a boat?

Jon:
I don't know.

Old Guy on Beach:
What's your name?

Jon:
I don't know.

Jon:
What do I look like? Do I look like a Mike? Craig? That wouldn't be so bad. Then my nickname would be Craigger. That'd be pretty sweet.

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added 2 months ago

[Mishka gets his own show]

Mishka:
Is very strange being here. I feel a little bad putting my friends in jail. And chinese guys. And Jon.

Barry:
Now my name is Barry. I'm also in the Witness Protection Program. I think it's going to be fun.

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added 2 months ago

Greg DiPietro:
I repeat, come out with your hands up, no one gets hurt. Otherwise, we will shoot to kill.

Sergei:
[laughs] How else you supposed to shoot? To tickle. [laughs] Shoot to tickle! [laughs] Hey, look at me! I'm going to shoot to tickle! Coochie, coochie, coochie! [laughs]

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[Greg hire a sniper team to cover up the safe house outside the base]

Greg DiPietro:
Jon? Sergei? Qi-Qang? We know you're in there. Come out with your hands up, no one gets hurt.

Susan Shapiro:
Oh, hey, have you ever seen that movie "The Town"? 'Cause this reminds me of that standoff at Fenway, you know? I only mention it because it's Jon's favorite film and he's always going on and on and on about it.

[cuts to the next scene where Jon talks about The Town movie to everyone he knows]

Jon:
You've never seen "The Town"?

Susan Shapiro:
No.

Jon:
[to the Wang Cho members] "The Town". I gave you guys the DVD two months ago.

Jon:
Alright, bye-bye. [hangs up] David just watched "The Town".

Pete Fontaine:
I've never seen it.

Jon:
[boston accent] Your loss.

Pete Fontaine:
Are you doin a Boston accent?

Jon:
You got that right.

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added 2 months ago

Sergei:
This now reunion show I would watch. Reunion of all dead people in your life. Your brother. Your father. Your mother. Your old bodyguard. Mighty Joe Jon, Black Blond. Seth from network. Your friend from woods. Your caddie. Guy who looked like Rod Stewart. Scott Wolf. Paul Rudd. And YOUR EX-WIFE! And don't worry. FIRST CHANCE I GET, I MAKE SURE YOUR SON JOIN YOU, TOO!

Jon:
YOU TOUCH HIM, I WILL KILL YOU!

Sergei:
But first, we need to make some trims around the Jon tree. [pulls up a sawblade] Starting with this branch right here. Then, this branch. And then, this branch. And then, this branch. And then, this branch. And finally -- Look in my eye, Jon. LOOK AT ME! Finally, this branch right here. I've waited so long for this, Jon. Do you have any last words?

Jon:
Yeah. Why are my ribs taking so long?

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added 2 months ago

[TB waterboards Yvgeny]

TB:
Drink up.

Yvgeny:
Vodka board me all you want! I'm not talking!

TB:
Oh, yeah? Here you go. Take some more.

Yvgeny:
Knock, knock? Who's there? Ima Ima who? I'M A CHAIRMAN OF THE VODKA BOARD!

[Mishka comes by]

Mishka:
Oh, hey! A vodka party. I drink next?

Greg DiPietro:
If you know anything about where Sergei might possibly have gone, you had better start talking unless you want me to reconsider your plea deal.

Yvgeny:
No Mishka! Don't tell them!

Mishka:
Maybe there's place they could have gone. But I'm not supposed to talk about.

Greg DiPietro:
What place?

Mishka:
Well...

Susan Shapiro:
No, no! Don't say anything, Mishka! [to Greg] And I don't mean don't say anything until you talk to your lawyer. I'm saying don't say anything because I'd rather show a clip. We have a saying in tv -- Show, Don't Tell.

[cuts to the next scene where they show a clip Yvgeny telling a secret to Mishka about their next plan]

Yvgeny:
Mishka. Don't forget to lock up when you're done here.

Mishka:
Okay.

Yvgeny:
Oh, and I need you to clean safe house. Uh, you know where safe house is?

Mishka:
No.

Yvgeny:
I probably shouldn't tell you about it, but it's dirty. And who are you going to tell? Your broom? [laughs]

Mishka:
[laughs]

Yvgeny:
I'll leave directions downstairs. Don't tell Sergei I told you.

Mishka:
No, no. I will lock door and throw away key.

[footage ends]

Mishka:
Three blocks down. Make right. Third door on the right.

TB:
Get him out of here!

Greg DiPietro:
I want a sniper team on this. You have a green light. Shoot to kill. T.B., that includes Jon.

[TB gets back to waterboarding Yvgeny]

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added 2 months ago

Sergei:
Your death will be much more slow. And much more painful.

Jon:
Are my ribs almost here?

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added 2 months ago

Sergei:
I cannot wait to get back to mother Russia.

Qi-Qang:
You will miss your brother, no?

Sergei:
I will miss Yvgeny, yes. One person I will not miss is Todd Barry.

Qi-Qang:
I know what you mean. We used to have a comedian hanging out with us all the time, too.

[cuts to the next scene where Reggie Watts hangs out in the Wang Cho headquarters scatting]

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added 2 months ago

Sergei:
We will cut Wang Cho free and let him go. Then, we turn our attention to Jon. Begin Jon's last day on Earth.

Jon:
Do I get a last meal? 'Cause if I do, I saw a rib place on the way here, and it looked pretty good. I wouldn't mind ribs. You guys know about that place? Do they have platters? Maybe I can get some potatoes and, uh, string beans. We could do something else.

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added 2 months ago

Greg DiPietro:
Enough of this bull [bleep]! He's your [bleep] brother! You know exactly what happened. Now I'm ask you one more time -- Where did they go?

Yvgeny:
I don't know. Why don't you try looking at the dental-flossing store?

Trish:
Good one, babe.

Greg DiPietro:
Alright, funny bones. You want to play hardball? Let's play hardball. T.B.

Trish:
[to Yvgeny] I'll call our lawyer! I just have to finish texting Jill about Cancun.

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added 2 months ago

Todd Barry:
[to a police investigator] I do stand-up comedy. And do some acting, also. I'm on the show "Louie". Done some what some people call scene-stealing cameos. Is that lavender oil you're wearing?

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[Jon, Sergei, and Qi-Qang got taken inside the van to escape the reunion special]

Jon:
[singing] Oh, yeah! It's a prison break. Come on, it's a prison break. Oh, yeah. It's a prison break. Come on, it's a prison break. It's prison break! Get the crowd like, "Oh, yeah, it's a prison break. Come on, it's a prison break.

Jon:
Hey, you know what? I just had a thought. Since I have an in at the network, maybe we can pitch this as a show. Call it like Break Buds or Buds On The Run or something.

Sergei:
QUIET!

Qi-Qang:
Where are we going?

Sergei:
Somewhere safe. We cut off shackles and cuffs, clean up, lay low for a couple days. Then, you and I both go our separate ways.

Jon:
You mean we all three go our separate ways, right? I mean, we're Break Buds.

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[after a big explosion crashed down on the reunion special]

The Glaze:
THEY SHOT JOHN HODGMAN! JOHN! HE'S DEAD! Oh, John! You were fantastic on "The Daily Show" and "Baby Mama" and The HBO show "Bored To Death". Let's not forget, he played the father in "Coraline 3D"! And he was a small part in "Battlestar Galactica"! One episode! He even was in "Arthur", the remake! WHY DID THEY REMAKE IT?!

Todd Barry:
[bleep] I've been shot! I was in "Bored To Death", also.

Mishka:
Where are we going? We go to lunch?

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added 2 months ago

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