Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #61

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 5,730 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Todd Barry:
[to a police investigator] I do stand-up comedy. And do some acting, also. I'm on the show "Louie". Done some what some people call scene-stealing cameos. Is that lavender oil you're wearing?

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added 2 months ago

[Jon, Sergei, and Qi-Qang got taken inside the van to escape the reunion special]

Jon:
[singing] Oh, yeah! It's a prison break. Come on, it's a prison break. Oh, yeah. It's a prison break. Come on, it's a prison break. It's prison break! Get the crowd like, "Oh, yeah, it's a prison break. Come on, it's a prison break.

Jon:
Hey, you know what? I just had a thought. Since I have an in at the network, maybe we can pitch this as a show. Call it like Break Buds or Buds On The Run or something.

Sergei:
QUIET!

Qi-Qang:
Where are we going?

Sergei:
Somewhere safe. We cut off shackles and cuffs, clean up, lay low for a couple days. Then, you and I both go our separate ways.

Jon:
You mean we all three go our separate ways, right? I mean, we're Break Buds.

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[after a big explosion crashed down on the reunion special]

The Glaze:
THEY SHOT JOHN HODGMAN! JOHN! HE'S DEAD! Oh, John! You were fantastic on "The Daily Show" and "Baby Mama" and The HBO show "Bored To Death". Let's not forget, he played the father in "Coraline 3D"! And he was a small part in "Battlestar Galactica"! One episode! He even was in "Arthur", the remake! WHY DID THEY REMAKE IT?!

Todd Barry:
[bleep] I've been shot! I was in "Bored To Death", also.

Mishka:
Where are we going? We go to lunch?

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John Hodgman:
Yvgeny, I know you have something that you want to say to your brother. And I think here on this show is the appropriate forum.

Yvgeny:
I don't believe that I can repay you, Sergei, for what you did for me, but the least I could do to show you how grateful I am -- Knock, Knock Who's There Vodka Brand Vodka is releasing a limited-edition Sergei bottle. It comes out today, and I brought you one. And here you are, smiling because I love to see you smile.

Mishka:
It's a great smile.

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added 2 months ago

John Hodgman:
You're dating this season. You had an affair with Trish, and, of course, you're in a relationship with the lovely Eun Mi.

Jon:
Well, let's just say I am looking forward to that first conjugal visit. [chuckles]

John Hodgman:
And Eun Mi?

Eun Mi:
I don't really get to see Jon as much as I'd like. It's -- It's been really hard. I've been really busy.

John Hodgman:
Yeah. We know you've been busy.

Jon:
Spending me millions.

John Hodgman:
We actually have some footage of how busy you've been. Let's take a look.

Jon:
Roll the shopping montage!

[the crew sees a footage where The Glaze and Eun Mi getting married]

John Hodgman:
Wow. I'm sure it took you by surprise, Jon. How does it make you feel?

Jon:
Like a [bleep] asshole.

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John Hodgman:
Jon, tell us how you felt the moment you learned that Susan was dead, had been murdered.

Jon:
It's not something I really care to talk about.

John Hodgman:
Well, look. We never saw it on camera.

Jon:
Exactly. there is a very good reason that you have not seen that clip, and that is because it is a very private moment that I do not wish to share. This is something you and I talked about -- That we would not show this moment.

Susan Shapiro:
This show is about your life. This is part of your life. Therefore, it's going to be part of the show. So, other John...

John Hodgman:
Let's take a look.

[John shows a clip where Jon is in the bathroom]

TB:
Jon!

Jon:
Not right now, T.B.

TB:
Jon, it's important. [opens the bathroom door]

Jon:
T.B., what the [bleep] man?

TB:
It's Susan. She's been shot. She's dead. I'm sorry, Jon.

Jon:
[crying] Oh, my god. She's dead?

TB:
I'm sorry.

Jon:
[crying] Oh, my god. OH, GOD! SUSAN! [eats a bite of the hoagie] NO! OH, MY GOD!

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added 2 months ago

John Hodgman:
Well, Jon, now you're in the spotlight. It would be an understatement to say that you've been through a lot these past few seasons, right?

Jon:
Uh, yeah. [chuckles] Where do I begin? [laughs]

John Hodgman:
Well, why don't we start with the brutal murder of your ex-wife, Susan? Talk about that. Her death.

Jon:
It was very hard. She left me. We got divorced. She boned all my bodyguards, but, uh, you know, in the end, it's hard to complain. I got a few sympathy bones out of it on my end. Also so got some sympathy crabs.

Mishka:
I love seafood.

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[while the crew are still talking about Mishka's heroic moment]

Jay 2:
I thought it was an exciting climax to the season.

John Hodgman:
Okay, Jay. Thank you very much.

Jon:
Shut up, Jay. Also, why are you here?

Jay 2:
It's supposed to be a reunion show with everyone.

Jon:
Get the [bleep] out of here, Jay.

[Jay 2 leaves]

Jay:
Just for the record, Susan asked me to be here.

Jon:
Oh, thanks for the information. [bleep] off!

Mishka:
[to Jon] You're mean.

John Hodgman:
Well, that's, uh --

Jon:
ALL THE WAY, JAY! OUT THE DOOR!

Mishka:
[to Jon] An asshole! Asshole to him!

Jon:
Shut up, Mishka!

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[after the crew watches where Mishka testify the Mirminsky Family for doing a truce with the Wang Chos by selling drugs]

John Hodgman:
Mishka, talk to me about this.

Mishka:
Well, they tried to set me up, but I turn tables on them and I set their table.

John Hodgman:
Alright. Wow. Anyone want to jump in here?

Sergei:
You are a dead man now, Mishka.

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[after Jon gets caught in a major drug bust, Jon went to prison and get a call from one of his friends]

Jon:
Hi.

Eun Mi:
Nice outfit.

Jon:
Priz happens.

The Glaze:
Jon...I don't want you to worry. I've got everything signed, okay? I've got complete access to your money, so you know that will be safe, and also, I'm, uh, David's legal guardian while you're locked up.

Jon:
Thank you. You laid a big solid on me. I really appreciate it.

The Glaze:
And I'll make sure that no one hurts this little lady, okay?

Jon:
Alright. Thanks. Okay, bye.

[The Glaze passes the phone to Eun Mi]

Jon:
Hey, uh...just give me one -- One quick flash. Give me one.

Eun Mi:
No.

Jon:
Come on, from the bar, you owe me one.

Eun Mi:
Okay, uh, I don't owe [bleep] actually.

Jon:
Yes, you do.

Eun Mi:
No, but...just 'cause I feel sorry for you...

[Eun Mi shows her breasts for the last time]

Jon:
[breaths heavily]

Eun Mi:
Jonny, you okay?

Jon:
Looks like someone just done gone made me nut. I just nut.

The Glaze:
What?

Jon:
I just done gone nut.

The Glaze:
You've done gone nuts?

Jon:
I just done gone nut. I just done gone NUT.

The Glaze:
Jon, just calm yourself down, okay, because the guards can --

Jon:
I JUST GONE DONE NUT!

The Glaze:
Oh, gee. Okay. Alright.

Jon:
I JUST DONE GONE NUT!

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[while Mishka came into the Wang Cho's base, Jon meets Mishka for the first time that made Jon into a funny person online]

Jon:
Well, well, well, if it isn't the Fake Jon. You know, I can't eat a sandwich in public 'cause of you, asshole.

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[Mishka tries to stay cool while wearing spy glasses to see what the Russian Family are up to]

Yvgeny:
Those are very nice glasses, Mishka.

Mishka:
[tries to act natural] Oh, thank you so much, Yvgeny Mirminsky, head of Mirminsky crime family. I'm wearing glasses so I might see money clearly when I hand over these drugs to Wang Chos in drug deal you are sending me to do.

Yvgeny:
Goodbye, Mishka.

Sergei:
Do well tonight, Mishka, and you'll have more important job than drug deal.

Mishka:
Okay. Then, I will take drugs, and I will go...to do drug deal...with Wang Chos.

Sergei:
GET GOING, MISHKA!

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added 2 months ago

[Eun Mi sees Jon in a big bulletproof hamster ball for their date]

Jon:
[speaks chinese] Welcome to the...Bone Zone. [laughs]

Eun Mi:
This is literally the stupidest thing I've ever seen.

Jon:
[original voice] It's not stupid. I'm not paying the Wang Chos for protection anymore, and I don't need the government, either. It's called freedom. I got my life back.

Eun Mi:
Jon, living in a ball is not freedom. If you even want a chance with me, you got to lose the ball.

Jon:
Look, there's some heavy [bleep] going down for tonight. Jonny might not make it back again. I wanted us to have one last night in sextacy.

Eun Mi:
Jon, we haven't had a first night.

Jon:
Come on, babe. You don't want a piece of this ball tush. Huh?

Eun Mi:
Just so you know, this is curiosity sex.

Jon:
Oh, yeah? Well, uh... [cat noises]

Eun Mi:
What?

Jon:
Curiosity's about to bone the cat.

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added 2 months ago

Jon:
I got them to give up Mishka and leave my girlfriend alone. Huh? Jon's word's mightier than the sword, that and my sweet new ball. [laughs] Hey, you know what sucks though? It sucks that we already got Bin Laden. I mean, it doesn't suck. It's great. I'm glad we got him, but I wish I would have had a chance to use my words and get him to kill himself.

Qi-Qang:
Yes. Perhaps he would kill himself if I were off-camera pointing a gun at his head, just like Jim Daniels, but I'm sure your mighty words also had something to do with it.

Jon:
Yeah, I know they did.

Qi-Qang:
I still do not trust Sergei. This truce could be a secret ambush. You come tonight. Facilitate truce with your ball of safety.

Jon:
Yeah, the Chos need my ball. [laughs]

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added 2 months ago

Greg DiPietro:
Let me get this straight. You want to testify against the Mirminsky Family.

Mishka:
Yes. They tried to trick me, but I'm going to trick them.

Greg DiPietro:
And you're willing to wear a wire.

Mishka:
No. Not unless I can wear shirt to cover wire.

Greg DiPietro:
Two families in one bust...in the biz, we call that a simultaneous orgasm.

Mishka:
[laughs]

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[Jon crashes the party by showing the Russian family that he's inside a big hamster ball so he'll never be in danger]

Jon:
Mirminsky family! That's right. Everyone, back it up. Yeah, th-there you go. Everybody, just be cool. That's the man I came here to see -- Sergei Mirminsky. You got to shape up, bro. Think killing's cool? That's your life? Not cool, bro. Not cool, dude.

Sergei:
What? We are supposed to be afraid of little Jon Wang mouse in ball? [pulls up gun] HE'S DEAD MAN BALL!

[Sergei shoots the hamster ball, but it had no effect on it]

Jon:
WHOO! In your face, dude. Bulletproof. Yeah, that's right. I inherited 10 million bucks, spent a cool mil on this bulletproof ball. I hear war is coming. A war you don't want. You guys give up Mishka, maybe throw in some drugs, I guarantee you a truce with the Chos.

Jon:
I also got a new love in my life. She's got a smokin'-hot korean bod, a hamster, and I care about her. So you do NOT kill this one. You got it, man? Otherwise, no truce, and that means war. War is no fun, unless you're in a sweet bulletproof ball.

[Jon leaves]

Jon:
MOVE OUT OF MY WAY! That's right. Make some room for Big Jon. Jonny's coming through.

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Jon:
And I said, "think about it, dude. Not cool. Not cool what you're doing". What happens? Boom! 'Cause of me. My words did that. And now, I'm Jonny Superbucks.

Eun Mi:
Jon, how can you be so excited about this? This is blood money.

Jon:
A lot of blood money.

Eun Mi:
On that note, I'm a little sick and tired of hearing you complain about The Mirminksys. This relationship isn't going anywhere unless you get them and the Wang Chos out of your life. Maybe it's time for you to finally get some big balls so you can deal with your issues, and then we can be together.

Jon:
Big balls. That's getting the old Jonny horny.

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added 2 months ago

Jim Daniels:
The tape you're watching is the tape from when you flashed your face. I recorded over it.

Jon:
[exhaled deeply] Thank god.

Jim Daniels:
I wanted you to know how deeply your words affected me, Jon -- The whole "Dude, not cool" thing. I can't get it out of my head. I want to be a good person, but -- [clears throat] Just relax, man. I'm getting to it just calm down.

Jim Daniels:
I'm donezo with the funzo. I made about $10 million as CEO of Ladies Done Gone Nuts. I will that entire fortune to you, Jon. 'Cause without you [laughs] I wouldn't have the balls to do this. [Jim shoots himself ending the video]

TB:
Who was he talking to off-camera?

Jon:
[scoffs] Who cares. I mean...I just made a man kill himself with the power of my words.

Greg DiPietro:
Jon, did you speak to the Wang Chos about this?

Jon:
I can get Bin Laden. That guy watched one of my tapes and kills himself, I'm a hero.

Greg DiPietro:
Jon...

Jon:
I mean, this guy sends us tapes all the time. How about we send a tape to him?

Greg DiPietro:
Jon, Bin Laden is dead.

Jon:
What?

TB:
How did you not know about this?

Greg DiPietro:
We killed him last year.

Jon:
Hold on a sec. How did you get him my tape? I mean, do you guys have a time machine? I mean, 'cause if you -- If you do, think of what we could do with it. I mean --

Greg DiPietro:
No, Jon.

Jon:
You know what? It doesn't matter. I killed Bin Laden.

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The Glaze:
Resist temptation, Jon.

Jon:
[while laying down on a long hoagie in front of his face] I can't.

The Glaze:
You can!

Jon:
I can't!

The Glaze:
You need to resist it.

Jon:
But I want it.

The Glaze:
Jon.

Jon:
I'm licking the bread.

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[the Russian Social Club founds a big fortune cookie]

Sergei:
[reads the note] "Storm of revenge for Bohai headed your way. Forecast calls for death".

Mishka:
In bed. [laughs]

Yvgeny:
Maybe we can negotiate.

Sergei:
NO! NO TURNING BACK FROM WAR!

Yvgeny:
I don't have time for war. I have to plan a vodka launch party.

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Qi-Qang:
What you ask for will be very expensive.

Jon:
I don't care. I need that tape. How much do you want?

Wang Cho Elder:
The Greek style yogurt is my favorite.

Qi-Qang:
He say half a million.

Jon:
Half-a-million dollars?!

Qi-Qang:
You ask us to intimidate a businessman we like and respect. We also love tits.

Jon:
Yeah, I scream. You scream. We all love tits.

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[Jon and TB head to the Ladies Done Gone Nuts office to destroy the tape that shows Jon's face]

TB:
Alright. Listen up, dickhead. It's time to shut 'er down.

Jim Daniels:
[to Jon] Look who it is -- Mr. Face Flash. I've been starring at your mug all morning.

Jon:
Oh, yeah? Well, that's what we're here to talk about.

Jim Daniels:
Great. It's a new twist on an old classic. The only thing that would make face flashing better is if...your face had tits. [laughs]

TB:
Alright, listen asshole. Either give us the tape or you're gonna have a world of hurt from the FBI.

Jim Daniels:
Your boy here signed a release form, so legally, I'm in the clear, and you're not getting [bleep] for dick.

TB:
Listen, if you don't give us that tape, this man's life will be in danger.

Jim Daniels:
Am I supposed give [bleep] where were you when all this face flashing went down? Were you protecting him, or were you maybe distracted by all the tits you were seeing?

TB:
...

Jim Daniels:
Lisa, will you show these two dick-licks out?

Lisa:
Yes, Mr. Daniels.

Jim Daniels:
Sexy voice, right? Sexy tits, too. [laughs]

Jon:
Hey, dude. Seriously? This is your life? You think this is cool? It is not cool -- Not cool at all. Think you're sitting there in your chair playing God? You're playing Dude, as in "Dude, seriously? Seriously not cool, man". You think about that. You think about that. Not cool, man.

Jim Daniels:
Okay, buddy. I'll think about that. I'll think about that long and hard. [laughs]

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added 2 months ago

[Jon wakes up while wearing a baseball girly shirt on]

TB:
P.J. McTouchdown's! Touchdown, everybody!

Jon:
[sees his favorite team shirt on] Whoa. When'd this happen?

TB:
Seriously? Well, I guess I'm not surprised. Outside of a few coerced interrogations, I've never seen a human being drink so much.

The Glaze:
Let's see if this triggers anything. The night began as a public-impulse therapy session at the local watering hole. Remember?

[Jon's flashback intensifies]

Jon:
WHOO! SHOTS! Hey, man. Let's get some more shots. WHOO! SHOTS!

[Jon's memory ends]

Jon:
I don't remember any of this. Did me and Eun Mi hook up?

The Glaze:
No, but there were plenty of tits.

Jon:
Whose tits?

TB:
You don't remember the tits?

Jon:
No. What are you talk-- What?

[Jon's flashback intensifies]

Jon:
Oh, "Ladies done gone nuts" crew in the house!

The Glaze:
Jon, remember this is still a session.

Jon:
Hmm?

The Glaze:
Impulse therapy.

Eun Mi:
Oh! Oh, if you do it, I will do it.

The Glaze:
COME ON, JON! BE IMPULSIVE!

Jon:
[to the crew] Hey! Hey! Over here! Over here! Check this out!

[Jon removes his ski mask in front of the camera after putting it back on]

[Jon's memory ends]

Jon:
I flashed my face?!

The Glaze:
Yes.

TB:
What happened?

The Glaze:
Frankly, I think it was positive. Think about when you pass gas, Jon. That's your body releasing pressure. Well, flashing your face is like opening a psychological exhaust valve.

TB:
This is not a psychological fart. This is a major security fart.

Jon:
Hey, everybody, stop calling my face a fart.

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added 2 months ago

Jon:
Hi. I'm here to see Eun Mi.

Eun Mi's Daughter:
You man date daughter?

Jon:
Oh. Uh, yes, ma'am. My name is Jon.

Eun Mi's Daughter:
Eun Mi no here.

Jon:
Oh. Um...okay. We had a date tonight. Do you know where she might be?

Eun Mi's Daughter:
Yeah, she die.

Jon:
Excuse me?

Eun Mi's Daughter:
She die.

Jon:
Alright, hold on a sec. [chuckles] Am I not understanding your accent? I mean, are you saying something else? She -- Is she tired?

Eun Mi's Daughter:
No. She die.

Jon:
She died? Oh, my -- Really? Hold on a second. Hold on a second. I got it. Okay. Okay, good one. Good one. Like mother, like daughter, right? You speak perfect English. You just [bleep] with me. I'd go the funeral. You both show up, have a good laugh. Very funny. Very good accent. Eun Mi? We should go, please.

Eun Mi's Daughter:
No! She not here, She die. You see candle. I'm mourning. [voice breaking] Very sad.

Jon:
Alright. Here's...flowers...in case she really is dead. Um, I'm very skeptical of this. I really think this is bull [bleep] but look -- If it's not, then I'm so sorry. But if it is, then it's [bleep] not cool.

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added 2 months ago

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In which movie does this quote appear: "To deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human"?
A Batman Begins
B The Matrix
C Gladiator
D The Green Mile