Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #63

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 5,730 quotes total — keep up the great work!

TB:
Hey, little Donna. I'm Mr. Walrus.

Jon:
Okay. Who's ready for a New York slice? Here we go, everybody. Gobble up and you know what? Go ahead and start 'cause Grandpa's gonna go talk to T.B. outside, okay? I'll be right back.

TB:
I'll be right back. Enjoy your pizza, boys and girls.

[Jon and TB talked outside, but gone horribly wrong]

Jon:
The [bleep] you doing in there, man?

TB:
What are you talking about?

Jon:
You're trying to grandpa my granddaughter -- That's what. This is my weekend, T.B. Stay out of grandpa-town. That's my domain.

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added 2 months ago

Bryce Grieke:
So, it turns out your new friend Charlie didn't have any family at all, so just before he died, he updated his will, and he named you the sole heir to his estate.

Jon:
Like what? His denture collection?

Bryce Grieke:
No. But he did leave you his cane -- Something to remember him by -- As well as this box of clothes, and the, uh, well, other than that, the only other thing in the estate is, uh, $3 million dollars.

Jon:
What?

TB:
Holy [bleep].

Jon:
Oh, my god!

Bryce Grieke:
Well, this has got to be familiar territory to you at this point. [chuckles] Somebody dies, and they leave you all their money.

Jon:
Wow! This is -- This is like Charlie had his own friend competition and I'm the winner. I WIN! WHOO!

Bryce Grieke:
Well...yeah. I don't know if I would think about it that way. I mean, you know, obviously, a man is dead.

The Glaze:
Jon, you need to think about how you can honor your good friend.

Jon:
You're right. I really wish Charlie could be there to meet my new family.

Bryce Grieke:
He cannot do that.

Jon:
Y'know what? Maybe he can.

Bryce Grieke:
No. I mean...

Jon:
Maybe he can. [plays Charlie's pitchpike]

Bryce Grieke:
I mean he can't. He cannot. Y-you know, he's dead. He can't do it.

Jon:
But you know what? There might be a way he can. [plays Charlie's pitchpike]

Bryce Grieke:
There's no way. There's literally --

Jon:
[plays Charlie's pitchpike]

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added 2 months ago

[Karen cries]

Jon:
Hey. What's going on?

Karen:
[sighs] I've just been going through a rough patch lately. I've been out of work for a while.

Karen:
I think my house is gonna get repossessed.

Jon:
Oh, well, you know, better -- Better repossessed then [eerily] possessed.

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added 2 months ago

Jon:
Whoa! Heard from Karen Whitaker, my prom date in high school. Listen to this. "Jon, been watching the show. Good luck with the best friend contest if you ever feel like seeing and old friend, come on down to Philly".

David:
I thought you were just looking for a best friend?

Jon:
I am. But, uh, best friends aren't high-school tush.

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added 2 months ago

Charlie:
Say, uh, what's up with the ski mask?

Jon:
You haven't seen me on the internet making a sandwich penis?

Charlie:
Sandwich penis? [laughs] Give me a footlong on wheat and hold the balls. [plays his harmonica]

Jon:
Frrt! [laughs]

Charlie:
Well, I'm not much for the internet, you know? No one to e-mail with, really.

Jon:
No family?

Charlie:
No family. Never really got around to it.

Jon:
Look at those two nerds, huh? [sees father and son wearing the same nerdy outfits]

Charlie:
Makes me sad to know that I'll never get to be a grandfather. Oh, well. I guess it's not so bad being married to my hand. [plays his harmonica]

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added 2 months ago

[while Qi-Qang and Bohai are arguing]

Sergei:
Do you see this man?

Mishka:
Yes.

Sergei:
The one standing there -- Not the one walking away. [referring to Bohai who's standing still] This man here to help us make another fake Jon prank video.

Mishka:
Oh, yeah?

Sergei:
This fake gun.

Mishka:
Oh. Look at this.

Sergei:
No bullets, just blanks.

Mishka:
Tiny.

Sergei:
Pretend to shoot him in the head.

Mishka:
Oh! Yeah?

Sergei:
Oh, and, Mishka, there will be fake blood, too.

Mishka:
[wears the mask] I am Jon. [chuckles]

Sergei:
Perfect. Okay. Go ahead.

Mishka:
Say, action!

Sergei:
Oh. Sorry, Mishka. Action!

[Mishka (as Jon) literally shoots Bohai in real life thinking its a fake act]

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added 2 months ago

Bohai:
We must server ties with Jon. He's become and embarrassment to the family. Other gangs whisper that the man we protect...is a sandwich humper.

Qi-Qang:
I will admit, he is embarrassing...but he pays very generously. No one is making fun of us, Bohai. That is all in your head.

Chinese Teen:
You protect a sandwich humper! [laughs]

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added 2 months ago

[Jon judges the results of who will really be Jon's best friend]

Jon:
This was a real tough deciz. But in the end, there was one bromingo that I can see myself pulling a quality hang with night after night as we pound brews and bang babes.

[drumroll]

Jon:
And that dawg...that dawg was Ronnie!

Ronnie:
YEAH! [bleep] YEAH! WHOO!

Jon:
Dude, I am psyched to start the Ronnie and Jonny breakdance team. [singing] Ow! Pop and lock. Oh oh-eh-oh-eh oh! [laughs]

Ronnie:
Definitely! But, uh, how about we get the money thing all squared away first? Million dollars, right?

Jon:
...

Jon:
[to the contestants] ...Hold up, guys. Hold up. Uh, if any of you are here for the friendship, you can come right back here, line up. We'll re-vote, and I'll high five the new winner.

Jon:
But if you are here for the money, then get out.

[the contestants leaved]

Ronnie:
[to Jon] Go [bleep] a sandwich, butthole! [dances his way out at the door]

[as all the other contestants leaved, Jay 2 decided to participate]

Jon:
I'm sorry, Jay. Get the [bleep] out of here.

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added 2 months ago

[Jon judges which contestant will be Jon's best friend]

Contestant #443:
Man, this sandwich from Nicky's is awesome! Sure wish I could take it to the rage cage. Or the bone zone! Pffrt!

Susan Shapiro:
If I may, t-that's just a little kiss-assy.

Contestant #978:
I really badly want to be your friend.

The Glaze:
And can I just find out -- What happened to your last best friend?

Contestant #978:
My last best friend, uh, was murdered.

Susan Shapiro:
I'm sorry.

Jon:
Very sorry to hear that.

Contestant #182:
Well, a lot of people tell me that from this angle I look like John Cougar Mellencamp. And that, uh, from this side, it's Kid Rock. What do you think, Jon?

David:
Yeah. I -- I don't know. He just sort of creeps me out.

Jon:
[to 182] Take a walk, beantown.

Jon:
Can you tell us what you bring to the table as far as being my best friend?

Contestant #524:
Hoops. We could go out and shoot hoops together.

Jon:
I like hoops.

Contestant #146:
[playing air guitar with no audio] That's, um, "Whenever I Call You Friend"...by Kenny Loggins.

Jon:
[to 773] And can you tell us why you think you're qualified to be my best friend?

Contestant #773:
[does some sick dance moves]

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added 2 months ago

[Jon wrote a comment to Fake Jon to stop making Real Jon as a mess]

Jon:
[types] "Dear Fake Jon, allow me to introduce myself. I'm the..

[cuts to the Russian Social Club base]

Mishka:
[sees the comment what Jon typed] Real Jon. I'm writing you today to let you know that I do not like your page. Please take down page immediately, or I will have internet cops involved".

Yvgeny & Mishka:
[laughs]

Mishka:
[laughing] Internet cops!

Yvgeny:
[laughing] Internet cops!

Mishka:
Are there internet cops?

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added 2 months ago

Jon:
Uh, say that I have a sweet loft. Uh, mention the million-dollar friend contest.

TB:
You know what I like to do? Look up old girlfriends. It's a legal way of keeping in touch.

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added 2 months ago

Mishka:
Great to meet you, Sergei. Been waiting long time. You're tinier than I thought you'd be.

Sergei:
And look at you. You look like pathetic old lady.

Mishka:
Oh. I knit something for secret project, Sergei.

Yvgeny:
Quiet, Mishka.

Sergei:
Secret project?

Mishka:
Yes.

Sergei:
That sounds like fun.

Mishka:
It will be fun. Look. [gives Sergei a replice of Jon's mask] You like?

Sergei:
I do. Now, go get me some COFFEE, MISHKA!

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added 2 months ago

Todd Barry:
So, Sergei, this big plan of yours to let Jon make the Wang Chos fall apart -- Word on the street is it ain't working.

Sergei:
Plan going very well. People can start dying any minute now. People who look just like you, Todd Barry.

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added 2 months ago

David:
Whoa, Dad. There's already a page for you.

Jon:
What? Seriously?

David:
Yeah. Look.

Jon:
What? Click on the photos.

[David clicks on the photos online on Journalface.net]

Jon:
The hell? What is this one? Sandwich humper. The [bleep] is this?

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added 2 months ago

The Glaze:
Don't worry. Your friends are right here, Jon. [referring to TB and himself]

Jon:
No, you guys don't count. You're professional relationships.

David:
I'm a professional relationship?

Jon:
David, I have to hang out with you, alright? I'm obligated to. I can't just call you up and be all like, "What's up, brah? Let's go grab a couple falaf sandies, wash 'em down with some ice-cold 'ronas...check out some tush". You're my son. I can't be all like, "What's up, brah? Yeah, brah"!

David:
I get it.

Jon:
Oh, yeah, brah.

David:
Why don't you just go on the internet? There are tons of people there looking for friends.

Jon:
That's not a bad idea.

TB:
I'm part of an Abu Ghraib Alumni Group. We plan a lot of fun activities. We just had a big car wash.

David:
Nice. How much money did you guys raise for the troops?

TB:
...It's a good idea for next time.

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added 2 months ago

Jon:
[screaming]

TB:
Jon! What's going on?

Jon:
I just realized something. I don't have any friends.

TB:
[to his walkie talkie] Negative.

David:
What's going on?

TB:
Stand down. He's just having an existential crisis.

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added 2 months ago

Trish:
I'm sorry I had sex with Jon. At first, I was just getting off on how dangerous it was, but then, after a while, I started getting off on messing with Jon's head. In the end, it wasn't like I was screwing Jon. It was like I was screwing over his soul. I was screwing him for you.

Yvgeny:
I'm sorry, too, Trish.

Trish:
Why are you sorry?

Yvgeny:
Earlier tonight, I got a Todd Barry.

Trish:
What's a Todd Barry?

Yvgeny:
It's a euphemism for when you get mouth sex from a desperate woman in a comedy-club bathroom. I won't do it again. I'm sorry.

Trish:
No, baby this is what I had in mind when I started going out with a mob guy. I want us to both have affairs and then have, like, wicked fights about it, you know, and then, have, like, awesome, crazy make-up sex.

Sergei:
Enough!

[pans to the next scene where Sergei points 2 guns at Yvgeny and Trish forcing them to have sex while in bed]

Sergei:
Continue to have get-back-together sex.

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added 2 months ago

[as Jon was about give Trish a marriage ring, someone interrupts it]

Sergei:
I do.

Trish:
Sergei.

Sergei:
[to Jon] Have you been enjoying having sex with Yvgeny's girlfriend?

[Jon looks to Trish]

Trish:
Um...are -- Are you gonna kill us?

Sergei:
Him, soon enough. You... [sighs] I have too much respect for your balls to ever harm a single hair on your head. There is car out back. Go wait.

Trish:
Sorry, Jon. Nothing personal. Just -- Danger gets me so wet. Alright, tell David I said hi. Bye.

[Trish leaves]

Sergei:
[to Jon] As for you...seems like everyone's been sampling Jon. [eats the wedding ring in front of Jon]

[Sergei leaves]

Jon:
"Holy [bleep]".

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added 2 months ago

[Jon gives TB a note to read for Trish]

TB:
"Trish, I handed this to T.B. to read because I'm not talking, but just to be clear, this is me saying this, not T.B. as a matter of fact, T.B., please go crouch behind me so Trish can look at me while you read it so it appears that I'm Jon".

[TB crouch behind Jon]

TB:
"Okay, T.B., when you're behind me, continue with the letter. Trish, I believe everything happens for a reason. My voice got sampled by a techno dj. That led me to get so angry that I stopped talking. That led me to your...vagina...and our all-day bone-a-thons. Whether it was in the cemetery or the...back of T.B.'s car --"

TB:
Really, Jon? Really, my car?

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added 2 months ago

Todd Barry:
Oh, hey, Steph. Do you know Yvgeny? Used to be a comic.

Steph:
Weren't you that guy who told all the vodka jokes?

Yvgeny:
[drunk] She screw whoever she wants, whenever she wants, no emotions! I'm gonna do that.

Yvgeny:
[to Steph] You want to have sex in the bathroom?

Steph:
Sure.

Yvgeny:
Good.

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added 2 months ago

[Yvgeny makes a deal with the Wang Cho gang to kill Jon]

Qi-Qang:
Your visit is very...unexpected. How can we help you, Boss Mirminsky?

Yvgeny:
I do not come here as Boss Mirminsky. I come here as Furious Yvgeny.

Qi-Qang:
What is the source of your...fury?

Yvgeny:
My girlfriend, Trish, she is sleeping with another man -- A man you know well...A MAN NAMED JON!

Qi-Qang:
Continue.

Yvgeny:
I know Jon pays you to protect him, but...I am asking you to kill Jon. Whatever he pays, I will pay triple. I just want him gone!

Qi-Qang:
It takes big balls to come here and speak to us like this.

Yvgeny:
Thank you. I really needed to hear someone say that about my balls.

Qi-Qang:
But the answer is no. I'm sorry.

Yvgeny:
Okay. [leaves]

Bohai:
Who is Trish going to sleep with next? A bottle of vodka?

Wang Cho Members:
[laughter]

Bohai:
I'll be right back. I have too drain my main eggroll.

[while Yvgeny walks out of Wang Cho Headquarters, Bohai comes to ask Yvgeny for some great news]

Bohai:
Psst. Hey! I will kill Jon.

Yvgeny:
[gasps] Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Bohai:
I'll be in touch regarding payment.

Yvgeny:
Thank you. Thank you. It will be our secret. Shh! Thank you.

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added 2 months ago

[while Jon is still going on silent strike, Jon gets a talking suit]

David:
You know, I don't know what's more annoying -- The silent strike or the suit.

Trish:
Oh, come on, David. It's fun! I'm just bored of the silence. I want to hear your Dad's voice. You know, especially in the bedroom. [chuckling]

[Trish presses one of Jon's line button]

Jon:
"Frrt"!

Trish:
[laughing] That's the best.

David:
That's gross.

Jon:
"Good morning. Good -- Good -- Good -- Good -- Good morning".

David:
Yeah, you said that already. I was just, uh, showing Trish my new shoes. I was telling her how usually you would never buy these for me since they're crazy-expensive, but the other day, when I asked you or your credit card to see if I could take it and use it to buy these, you didn't say anything. So, technically, you weren't saying no, so I figures it was cool.

Jon:
"Not cool".

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added 2 months ago

[Sergei shows a footage to his brother, where Trish is having sex with Jon]

Todd Barry:
Ooh. That ain't a spin class.

Sergei:
Get the [bleep] out of here, Todd Barry!

Yvgeny:
[to Sergei] I want you to kill Jon!

Sergei:
No.

Yvgeny:
Then I want you to kill Trish!

Sergei:
Yvgeny, I was the one that got here to have affair. I wanted you to break up with her. I did not know she was going to have affair with Jon...and to have sex on papa's grave. [laughs] The king-kong sized balls on this woman. I have too much respect for her, and so should you.

Yvgeny:
I DON'T! I HATE HER BALLS!

Sergei:
This how you run crime family. She screw whoever she want, whenever she want, wherever she want! No emotion! Just like you should do!

Yvgeny:
I ORDER YOU TO KILL JON!

Sergei:
NO! YOU'RE NOT THINKING WITH YOUR BRAIN! You're thinking with your thing meat. [close up to Yvgeny's face] And I do not take orders from thing meats.

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added 2 months ago

[Todd talks about Trish]

Todd Barry:
You know, she reminds me a lot of this comedy-club waitress who blew me in a supply closet last week in Tucson.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

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