Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #64

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 6,891 quotes total — keep up the great work!

[after another ritual human sacrifice was over]

Senator Whitehead:
I can't believe this.

Lucy:
So, you thought there was gonna be an orgy?

DJ Jesus:
He -- He said. [referring to The Senator]

Lucy:
[to Whitehead] And you put an escape artist in a cage.

Senator Whitehead:
I can't believe this.

Satan:
And your car wouldn't start.

Senator Whitehead:
[mumbling] I can't believe this.

Satan:
What a total bust.

Senator Whitehead:
This is a disaster.

DJ Jesus:
Hey, I had a good time.

Satan:
Hey, can we stop somewhere and get some food?

DJ Jesus:
One food stop coming up.

Satan:
I love it!

Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Senator Whitehead:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No "Gloria".

DJ Jesus:
Hey, peace, brother.

Senator Whitehead:
No, no, no, no, no. Stop the record.

DJ Jesus:
No can do. Dancing to Gloria is a pure thing. You can't start it artificially or stop it prematurely. You just got to give in to...

DJ Jesus and Special Sister:
[singing] GLORIA!

Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[while Reggie still makes jokes]

Reggie:
You ever take a [bleep] so big, you take a photo of it?

Satan:
YES!

Reggie:
Um, you know what it's like -- "Wow, look at that thing. I got to get a picture of that".

Satan:
[laughs]

Reggie:
Um...

Satan:
[sees the audience not amused at all] Oh, boy.

Reggie:
Uh, well, uh, that's all my time, uh, uh, good night.

Satan:
Ha ha. Alright, that was, uh, Reggie Goldstein, everybody. Little too hip for the room. That's funny stuff. You'll talking about that tomorrow. Sense of humor, anybody?

[suddenly a lighting bolt strikes down a cult member to death]

Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[while the Special Fathers and Sister are sneaking in the Bohemia Grove that the cult is doing human sacrifice]

Special Sister:
Are we there?

Special Father #1:
No. We're going in circles.

Reggie:
[on stage] Tickling Captain Brownbeard.

Satan:
[on stage] [laughs]

Special Father #1:
Is someone doing comedy?

Special Sister:
THESE PEOPLE ARE MONSTERS!

Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Satan:
Minions, worship me. Kneel before me.

Cult Members:
Praise Satan.

Satan:
Ten presidents have announced their candidacy in front of this unholy altar. We celebrate the quest for power. We desecrate this ground with blood and FIRE!

Cult Members:
Praise Satan!

Satan:
Bur first, please put your hands together for our opening act. You've seen him on "Premium Blend". Folks, please welcome the very funny Reggie Goldstein.

Reggie:
Yeah, alright. Let's keep it going for Satan. Huh? Keep it going for him. Satan.

Reggie:
Hey, I got to tell ya, I got to ask ya -- Has this ever happened to you? You're in the bathroom, like a public bathroom at the mall or something, and some guy's in the stall next to you, right, taking a big, old dump, and, uh, he does that thing where he's coughing 'cause he's trying to cover up the noise. But this guy, he's kind of missed. The timing's a little off, so he's like [coughs and make fart sounds] It's like, what's going on? It's a like a badly done karate movie.

Satan:
[laughs] Yes.

Reggie:
Um, yeah, you ever, uh, do that thing where you go to wipe your ass, and uh, the toilet paper...

Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Lucy:
[on phone] Um, I'm just going to a thing for my Dad. Some political thing. Boring. What are you doing?

DJ Jesus:
Oh, uh, nothing. Just some gig -- A bar mitzvah. It's, uh, not an orgy.

Lucy:
What?

DJ Jesus:
What?

Lucy:
Did you just say it's not an orgy?

DJ Jesus:
Yes.

Lucy:
That's so weird. Why would you say that? Why would you explicitly say, "it's not an orgy"?

DJ Jesus:
Um, I'm losing you, Luce.

Lucy:
It's not the kind of thing --

DJ Jesus:
No, I really can't hear you with what you just said. I can't hear. I'm gonna call you later.

Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Satan comes to Reggie's house and shows him his jokes]

Reggie:
Really? Poop?

Satan:
Yes, poop. Poop.

Reggie:
'Cause I got a couple jokes about my kids and changing diapers, and it's a good start --

Satan:
No, no, no, kids. Kids aren't funny.

Reggie:
Okay, you know. I got this whole chunk about marriage and its pretty solid. It goes over--

Satan:
No, also not good. Marriage -- No good.

Reggie:
Okay.

Satan:
[to Reggie's Wife when she gave them coffee] Hi.

Reggie's Wife:
Hi.

Satan:
Thanks.

Satan:
Reggie, you need a hook, right?

Reggie:
Yeah.

Satan:
Yeah, I just don't have that one joke I told you. I got a whole bunch of jokes about poop.

Reggie:
Oh, yeah?

Satan:
Yeah, you're gonna be Reggie, the Poop Guy -- The [bleep] Comedian.

Reggie:
Okay?

Satan:
What's your last name?

Reggie:
Goldstein.

Satan:
You'll be like -- You'll be like, Reggie "I'm taking a [bleep]" Goldstein.

Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Becky:
Satan?

Satan:
Hmm?

Becky:
You got a minute?

Satan:
Not really. I got to write some material for this comedian.

Becky:
Well, I just wanted to talk to you about Lucy. She need to be The Senator's date at the Bohemian Grove Sacrifice.

Satan:
You know how hard it is to write a joke -- Just one joke?

Becky:
Did you hear me?

Satan:
What?

Becky:
We're moving into a serious phase here. Whitehead could take the presidency, and Lucy should be at his side, as we've always planned.

Satan:
Right, right, right. Can I read you a couple?

Becky:
[sighs] Yeah.

Satan:
Alright, so, you know when you're, uh, you're in the bathroom stall and you're taking a poop next to someone else who's taking a poop?

Becky:
Really?

Satan:
What?

Becky:
Poop jokes?

Satan:
...Yeah, they're funny.

Becky:
That's what you've been working on all day -- Poop jokes?

Satan:
Well...yeah. What's wrong with that?

Satan:
Becky.

Becky:
Uh-huh?

Satan:
You go poop.

Satan:
I know you do.

Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[the Special Father and Sister go to a mask store to disguise themselves at a ritual human sacrifice ceremony]

Mask Woman Cashier:
Something like this? [holds up a clown mask]

Special Father #1:
No, no. You didn't see "Eyes Wide Shut"?

Mask Woman Cashier:
No, sorry.

Special Sister:
Who cares. It's probably fine.

Special Father #1:
No, it's not fine. They'll spot us in two seconds with that.

Special Father #2:
Hey, I like a this one. [holds up a puppy mask]

Special Father #1:
No, it's not trick-or-treat. It's a very specific kind of mask.

Mask Woman Cashier:
For an orgy.

Special Father #1:
YES, for an orgy.

Special Sister:
I would wear this to an orgy. [puts on a purple yeti monster mask]

Special Father #2:
You know what, I'd wear it to an orgy, too.

Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[DJ Jesus gets a call]

DJ Jesus:
Peace on earth?

Senator Whitehead:
DJ Jesus?

DJ Jesus:
Ah, it's Jesus.

Senator Whitehead:
Oh. This is Bob Whitehead, from the United States Senate.

DJ Jesus:
Uh, yeah, I don't give money over the phone. Please remove me from your list.

Senator Whitehead:
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want your money. I want to hire to DJ this friday.

DJ Jesus:
Yeah, I'll have to check my schedule. I don't think I'll have time.

Senator Whitehead:
I got to tell ya, this is not just any event. Imagine the most amazing dance party/orgy/political summit on the planet.

DJ Jesus:
Okay, I'm imagining that.

Senator Whitehead:
Did you see "Eyes Wide Shut"?

DJ Jesus:
Yes, I did see that.

Senator Whitehead:
It's like that, but Alan Greenspan will be there, and Bono.

Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

DJ Jesus:
I don't know what to tell you. My feet just look good in sandals.

Judas:
They look great, man. I love your feet.

DJ Jesus:
Look if you got it, flaunt it. Sandals are like bikinis for you feet.

Judas:
LOVE THAT!

DJ Jesus:
[laughs]

Judas:
That's awesome, dude.

Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Reggie:
Hi, Satan, um, do you have a second?

Satan:
Actually, I was, uh, just leaving.

Reggie:
I know, it's just, I'm a longtime minion. I'm a huge fan.

Satan:
Oh, great. Thanks.

Reggie:
You know, I, um, I do comedy.

Satan:
Oh, that's great.

Reggie:
And I want to be, like, a really successful stand-up, and I was just wondering, um, is there any way you can help me with that? I mean, if I sold my soul or whatever, you know, something like that?

Satan:
Yeah, sure, we can arrange something.

Reggie:
Great. Wow, okay. So, how do-- How do we do this? Um...

Satan:
You go on this website right here and download the PDF.

Reggie:
Oh.

Satan:
Alright?

Reggie:
Okay, yeah, great.

Satan:
Yeah, we're online now.

Cult Member #3:
And pledging my soul to you?

Satan:
It's all on the site.

Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Senator Whitehead:
Just wanna let you know that we're on schedule to announce my candidacy for president friday night -- The big sacrifice at Bohemian Grove.

Satan:
Ugh, two sacrifices in one week?

Senator Whitehead:
Master, you have to come. I mean, this one is just, like, friends and family, but Friday's the real one.

Satan:
Oh, yeah, fine, fine.

Senator Whitehead:
Half of Washington is flying in.

Satan:
Hey, I said I'll come.

Senator Whitehead:
Great. Oh, hey, uh, any requests for who we should sacrifice?

Satan:
Um, I don't know. Don't you usually do that? I just show up.

Senator Whitehead:
Yeah, yeah. I'm just asking in case you had someone special in mind. But I'll take care of it.

Satan:
Hey, wait. You know what? I do have someone that might be fun. Hold on. I'm gonna make a phone call.

[Satan calls her daughter]

Lucy:
Hello?

Satan:
Oh, [bleep] I hate this headset.

Lucy:
Hello?

Satan:
Ugh!

Lucy:
Hello?

Satan:
Luce?

Lucy:
Hi.

Satan:
Dada.

Lucy:
I know.

Satan:
I'm on my headset.

Lucy:
You don't have to tell me that. It doesn't make a difference to me.

Satan:
Well, does it sound funny?

Lucy:
No, it sounds normal.

Satan:
I'm at a party.

Lucy:
Great.

Satan:
Hey, can I get your, uh, boyfriend's phone number?

Lucy:
Why?

Satan:
I want to invite him somewhere.

Lucy:
Why do want to invite my boyfriend somewhere?

Satan:
I want to invite him to, like, a guys-only barbecue.

Lucy:
Oh!

Satan:
I want to get to know him.

Lucy:
Like a bonding kind of thing?

Satan:
Yes, exactly.

Lucy:
Okay.

Satan:
Build a fire in the woods, get all undressed, yell at the sky.

Lucy:
Alright, it's getting less appealing, so why don't I just give you the number.

Satan:
Howl like the wolves!

Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Cult Member #1:
Hey, that's a great sweater.

Satan:
Thanks a lot.

Cult Member #2:
Yeah, it's so Cosby.

Cult Member #1:
Where'd ya -- Where'd you get it?

Satan:
I got it from Cosby.

Cult Member #1:
Oh, seriously?

Satan:
Yeah. I know him.

Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Satan arrives for the Human Sacrifice]

Satan:
Sorry I'm late. Holy [bleep] it's hot in here. [sniffs] Uh, I brought Pinot Grigio. Where can I chill this?

Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[DJ Jesus takes a bite of the veggie burger]

DJ Jesus:
Is this a tooth?

Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[as Terry tries to kill DJ Jesus]

Satan:
Don't kill him now. Aight. You know what? I'm gonna take you on a tour of the kitchen. Would you like that? Tour of the kitchen. Huh?

[Satan gives Terry a tour of the kitchen]

Satan:
So, here it is. Great. We got a walk-in. We got a couple of microwaves over there, and stainless steel.

Terry:
Uh-huh.

Satan:
Hola!

[the kitchen worker waves back]

Satan:
Oh, yeah, and the, uh -- Here's the deep fryer.

[Satan drops Terry into the deep fryer causing his death]

Satan:
Bastard.

Lucy:
Hey, what are you doing back here?

Satan:
Oh, just giving Terry a tour.

Lucy:
Where's Terry?

Satan:
Uh, put him in the deep fryer.

Lucy:
Well, that's good timing, 'cause DJ Jesus just ordered up a veggie burger.

[Lucy grabs Terry from the deep fryer as a burnt up veggie burger]

Satan:
[amazed] Lucy.

Lucy:
Yes?

Satan:
[amazed] Evil.

Lucy:
Yes.

Satan:
[amazed] Very evil.

Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Becky arrives at the bar with Terry]

Satan:
Becky, I've been trying to r-- Oh. Hey, Terry.

Terry:
Satan.

Satan:
Were you guys somewhere together?

Becky:
No, I was at the gym.

Satan:
That's weird. You...just said two different things.

Becky:
We met about that thing, and then I went to the gym.

Satan:
Um, what are you doing here?

Terry:
We're celebrating. I happen to have killed the DJ.

Satan:
What? He's right there.

Becky:
He's what?

[shows the next scene where DJ Jesus is drinking tequila while acting]

Becky:
Terry, I thought you said you killed him.

[Becky bangs Terry's body on table a couple of times]

Terry:
Let's kill him now.

Satan:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Ho -- Hold on. They're gonna shoot a movie here, and I'm charging him a location fee, and that's gonna make us a little money, and I happen to also have a little part in the movie, so let's wait till after.

Becky:
[sighs] Fine, fine. [leaves]

Terry:
Pfft, great.

Satan:
[offended] Wh-- Great? What does "great" mean, Terry?

Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Satan:
Jesus, uh, I've done a little bit of acting here and there.

DJ Jesus:
Okay. I didn't know that.

Satan:
I would love to play myself in the -- In -- In your movie if I could. I mean, you're gonna shoot here. I'm gonna be here.

DJ Jesus:
No can do. Your part is gonna be CG.

Satan:
CG? That sucks.

DJ Jesus:
Well, you can be an extra. How about that?

Satan:
Okay!

DJ Jesus:
I'll talk to a budget, and maybe we can get you a line. [leaves]

Satan:
Give me a line. Give me a line. I'll do a line.

Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[DJ Jesus and his crew head down to Satan's restaurant]

DJ Jesus:
[to his crew] See? Isn't it perfect? It's so corny and stupid and inauthentic. I mean, you can't fake this.

DJ Jesus:
Oh, hey Lucy, Lucy's Dad. So what do you think? We're thinking of shooting here. How do you feel about it?

Satan:
You want to shoot here?

DJ Jesus:
Yeah, it's perfect for the tequila sally scene.

Satan:
I bet. I assume you would negotiate a location fee.

DJ Jesus:
Of course.

Satan:
That's great. Lucy.

Lucy:
Yeah?

Satan:
Lucy, we're gonna have a movie here.

Lucy:
[quietly] Yay.

Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Satan:
Hey, listen, I want to, uh, talk to you about something.

Lucy:
Yeah?

Satan:
You aren't jealous that I've been spending a lot of time with Terry lately, are you?

Lucy:
Terry, your teratoma?

Satan:
Yeah.

Lucy:
No.

Satan:
Well, here's the deal. I don't want you to think that he's replacing you...

Lucy:
I don't.

Satan:
...just because he's been doing most of the stuff you're supposed to do.

Lucy:
He has?

Satan:
Yeah.

Lucy:
Like what kind of stuff?

Satan:
Like work stuff, like for me. Like making me proud...which is something you choose not to do.

Lucy:
Dad, can I tell you something?

Satan:
Mm-hmm.

Lucy:
I have never seen more of you.

Satan:
What do you mean? What does that mean?

Lucy:
I mean since Terry, I've never seen more of you. You've been here every day for, like, two weeks.

Satan:
Well, I'm -- I'm -- That's because --

Lucy:
I personally think he's replacing you. I mean, didn't you used to have a job?

Satan:
What?! That's ridiculous, Lucy. You're just bitter...

Lucy:
I'm not bitter.

Satan:
...that your boyfriend wrote a best-seller about you and then dumped you.

Lucy:
It's an allegory.

Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Satan tries calling Becky]

Satan:
She's not answering. Probably out at a bar. Oh, wait. That's me.

Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Special Sister:
Um, I don't know how to say this. I'm just gonna say it. I think it's best if you don't come to book group.

Special Father #1:
Oh, is that so?

Special Father #2:
Wait, there's a book group?

Special Sister:
[to SF1] Yeah, sorry. I just -- I don't know if you're the right fit for the group. Like, I think you're a great guy, but I just don't know if it, like, works.

Special Father #1:
Well, it's funny you should mention that because Sister Louisa called me last night.

Special Sister:
Oh, she did?

Special Father #2:
You guys have a book group?

Special Father #1:
[to Sister] Yes. She did. She's forming a new group, and she invited me to join it. And she asked me to ask you NOT to come.

Special Sister:
I see.

Special Father #1:
She was uncomfortable, I think. I think you have kind of a...masculine energy which rubs people the wrong way.

Special Sister:
MASCULINE?

Special Father #1:
Well, yes, for a group like that. They're nuns, but they're still women, you know.

Special Sister:
What, do I have a penis?

Special Father #1:
...No, not necessarily.

Special Sister:
I don't. Look. [shows her naked body] LOOK AT HERE!

Special Father #1:
[looks away] Well, how do I know it's not taped behind...

Special Sister:
I have not tucked a penis behind my legs.

Special Father #1:
Okay, fine. We're getting off point. [to SF2] Hey, I bet Father Benetti will be in a book club with you.

Special Father #2:
[happily] Oh, okay.

Special Sister:
[tired] Great.

Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Special Father #1:
The DJ story touched even more lives than he could reach with his deep-house and trans-house music. And now his book was being made into a made-for-tv movie, featuring DJ Jesus as himself.

Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

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