Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #64

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 5,730 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Trish:
I had sex with a blind guy once. That was pretty hot. But silent sex is way hotter. That, coupled with the excitement of getting caught. I mean, like, if your bodyguard came in or something.

– Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Svetlana:
How are you and Yvgeny?

Trish:
He's good. We're good.

Svetlana:
That doesn't sound too happy.

Trish:
I know. I thought going out with a mob boss would be, like, way more exciting, you know? It was at first. I mean, within the first week, I saw somebody get killed, like, right in front of me. It was, like, really thrilling, but, like, y'know, super scary, but then I have to, like, beg Yvgeny to have sex with me afterwards.

Svetlana:
Ah. Sergei always has sex with me after he kills someone.

Trish:
That is what I want. I just -- I thought it would be, like, way more dangerous and hot, you know?

[Trish hears Bone Zone at a party]

Trish:
That's Jon. I didn't know he was a singer.

Svetlana:
You know what would really be dangerous? If you had sex with Jon.

Trish:
[laughs] WHAT?! Are you serious right now? Because I will do that, so...

Svetlana:
If Yvgeny found out, he would go crazy. What could be more dangerous?

Trish:
Oh, my god. I'm totally gonna [bleep] Jon.

– Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Jon:
Somebody is taking my voice and making dance music with it.

Susan Shapiro:
Right. I know.

Jon:
Oh. Good. So your lawyers have sent a cease-and-desist letter?

Susan Shapiro:
Why would we do that? It's huge in Russia. As of last week, Bone Zone was number 7 on the charts. The kids out there know this show because of the Mirminskys, and they love to dance. It's a no-brainer.

Jon:
Oh, so then the royalty checks are in the mail, or do I get direct house?

Susan Shapiro:
No, you're not getting any money from the song.

Jon:
What?! [scoffs]

Susan Shapiro:
Jon. The network owns the rights to Delocated!, so any and al things you say when the cameras are rolling belong to the network. Same goes for the songs. Meat Suite, Bone Zone, Rage Cage -- Any profits go to the network.

Jon:
This is bull [bleep]. You guys are taking advantage of me and my golden pipes.

Susan Shapiro:
I'm sorry that you feel like that, but it's clearly stated in your contract.

Jon:
Now, you listen here, Suzie Q! People watch this show to hear what I have to say. You got it? If I'm not getting a percentage of that, then I'm not talking. Good luck cashing the royalty checks without any Bone Zones coming out of this mouth. I'm on a silent strike.

Susan Shapiro:
Fair enough. You do whatever you feel you need to do. But be advised -- The network now owns the rights to the phrase, Silent Strike.

[Jon was about to say something else, until he realizes that he learns to shut up 'cause he already knows what the network gonna do next]

– Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Jon:
I had another dream about Susan from network last night.

The Glaze:
Oh. Was it another...uh...

Jon:
Cream dream? Yeah. Big-time.

The Glaze:
Ninth one this week.

The Glaze:
Jon, clearly Susan's rejection of you has caused an enormous mental strain on both you and your night snake.

Jon:
Yeah, and my penis, too.

– Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[Yvgeny, Sergei, and Trish came by to the cemetary for Yvgeny, and Sergei's father's grave]

Sergei:
Being here makes me want to kill Jon.

Trish:
Why don't you?

Sergei:
We have truce.

Trish:
What truce?

Sergei:
it's complicated.

Yvgeny:
It's not complicated. You know Jon -- He has a tv show in a ski mask.

Trish:
Yeah.

Yvgeny:
Well, first, we tried to kill Jon. Then, we tried to kill everyone around Jon instead. Then, he hire Wang Cho to kill Sergei --

Sergei:
Let's go.

Yvgeny:
...but they kill...papa.

– Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[Pete comes by at Jon's bar to say some serious news about Susan Shapiro]

TB:
[to Jon] Benedict Arnold -- 12:00.

Jon:
What are you doing here? None of us are cold. We don't need any warming up around here.

Radio:
[audience laughter]

Pete Fontaine:
I know.

Jon:
Then get out. I fired you.

Pete Fontaine:
Look, Susan told me there's nothing going on between the two of you, alright? Otherwise, I would have never made a move. In any case, we broke up. Being with her just...got to be too annoying.

Jon:
[scoffs] Tell me about it.

Pete Fontaine:
No. No, Susan's great, okay? S-She's smart and savvy, and she's just a sweetheart. It's just...every time we were together, your name kept coming up. Jon's such an asshole. Jon's so annoying. Sorry -- I have to cancel dinner plans because I have to go to set 'cause Jon's being a baby again.

Jon:
But your point is that my name kept coming up.

Pete Fontaine:
No, Jon. I came here to say [bleep] you on behalf of Susan, alright? Me? Me? I'm -- I'm gonna be fine. I'll meet somebody else. I-It's not me who's had her love life destroyed because she constantly has to babysit some selfish, smug, whiny, petulant, egomaniacal, manchild, douche bag asshole! You -- You don't need a warm-up guy for your life, Jon. You need God to come down from heaven and apologize to everyone for screwing up so bad when he made you!

Pete Fontaine:
You know what? You know what? Do us all a favor and let the Mirminskys kill you already.

[Qi-Qang approved that message while playing the track laugh effect on radio]

– Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

The Glaze:
Cheer up, Jon. The relationship is a tricky beast. It's hard to tame. And don't forget -- It didn't work out in the end for the real Sam and Diane.

Jon:
Yeah, but at least he got to put his Sam up her Diane a few times before it ended.

– Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[Yvgeny comes back in the russian crib and sees some hispanic gang members walking by out of the club from Sergei's deal]

Yvgeny:
Who was that? And what is this?

Sergei:
This quarter-million dollars. I trick Wang Chos. We get money for vodka company.

[Sergei turns on the shredder and shred all the money to pieces]

Sergei:
[sarcastic] Oh, no! What happened? The money -- It's falling into the shredder. Oh, that's too bad. I bet you really could have used that money, now that we are non-crime family.

Sergei:
Oh, and one more thing. The first potato you put in the processor -- That was not Helen.

Yvgeny:
What do you mean? Of course it was Helen.

[Sergei shows him a pictures where Sergei switch potatoes last night before the company was open]

Sergei:
THIS HELEN! [eats Helen the potato right in front of Yvgeny then puts it into the shredder]

– Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

The Glaze:
So, what brings you by Jon's pub on such a lovely night, Susan?

Jon:
Yeah. Did you get some flowers from Pete Fontaine or something?

Susan Shapiro:
[sarcastic] Very funny.

Jon:
I heard it was a dozen roses. Not bad. What did they smell like -- Sexual tension?

Susan Shapiro:
I don't know what you think you're going to accomplish here, but I want to make something very clear -- TO EVERYONE! There is no Sam and Diane thing between you and me.

Radio:
[canned laughter]

Susan Shapiro:
Our relationship is strictly professional. I am the head of the network. Also known as your boss.

Radio [canned laughter]

Susan Shapiro:
STOP IT! [to Jon] And if you want to continue to have a show on that network, I suggest you get something straight right here and now. There's not one ounce of sexual tension between you and me.

Jon:
Okay. Maybe there's some sensual tension.

Radio:
[canned laughter]

[Susan Shapiro leaves]

Jon:
How about a back rub?

The Glaze:
Hey, Susan, don't forget -- Frasier had a spinoff.

Wang Cho Elder:
I'll take a foot rub!

– Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

TB:
Hey, Jay, what's up with avocado?

Jay 2:
Oh, just trying to be more healthy -- You know, eat more vegetables.

TB:
Although I applaud your healthy efforts, uh, technically an avocado is a fruit.

Jay 2:
Oh.

Jon:
Yeah, it's a fruit, you fruit.

TB:
Uh, interesting story about the avocado. The word avocado comes from the Aztec word "Aguacate", meaning testicle.

– Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

The Glaze:
[to Susan Shapiro] Hello. I'm The Glazier. You know, like, uh, Frasier, from Cheers.

– Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Jon:
You guys got a bike rack? You should probably get one, 'cause, uh, I'm really getting into cycling. Probably gonna show up here a lot on my bike.

Qi-Qang:
Jon. What brings you by so unannounced and so out of shape?

Jon:
Oh, I want you guys to, uh, build this for me in here. I know it's a lot to ask. i know it's gonna be a lot of construction and, uh, a lot of noise, but, uh --

Qi-Qang:
We'll do it...for $500,000.

Jon:
Great! Wow! I thought it would be more.

Meng Yao:
Hey, Jon. Where's Pete?

Jon:
[angry] I don't know, and I don't care!

– Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Qi-Qang:
This is very serious piece of news you bring me.

Hispanic Gang Member:
It is what it is, man. Somebody wants you dead, and they offer me a quarter mil to do it. Now, I ain't got no beef with you. That's why I am here...and why you ain't dead.

Qi-Qang:
How much to call it off?

Hispanic Gang Member:
Double. Half a mil. By tomorrow.

Qi-Qang:
Very well.

[the hispanic gang crew leaves]

Meng Yao:
How are we going to get half a million dollars by tomorrow?

[Jon cames by riding a bike]

Qi-Qang:
I think it just biked over.

– Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Jon:
Can't believe Pete would stab me in the back like that. I give him a job -- He takes my girl? he knew about the Sam and Diane vibe. I'd like to warm up his nuts with a swift kick to the sac.

The Glaze:
Waaaah! Waah! Waah! Waah! ENOUGH! Are you gonna POUT and complain like a baby all day, Jon? Words are a coward's sword. Bold deeds are the weapon of the brave. Now, you need to stop acting like the Jon you think you are and start acting like the Sam you know you are.

Jon:
Hey, you're right. [singing] I'm about to get [bleep] BLOWN ALL OVER THIS [bleep]!

– Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Susan Shapiro:
What are you wearing?

Jon:
What? Oh, yeah. [chuckles] Forgot I was wearing my Becker shirt. Used to be one of my favorite shows. Ted Danson was in it.

Susan Shapiro:
I know.

Jon:
How about Pete, huh? How funny is he?

Susan Shapiro:
He's so good.

Jon:
So good, right?

Susan Shapiro:
So funny.

Jon:
I know.

Susan Shapiro:
That's what I wanted to talk to you about. Initially, I thought the idea of a warm-up comic for your life was really stupid. But I watched the footage, and he's wonderful. So the network has decided to put him on salary. You don't have to pay him out of your own pocket anymore.

Jon:
That's great, right?

Susan Shapiro:
Yeah.

Jon:
Terrific. "Cheers"...to that.

Susan Shapiro:
I've got some more good news. I've been looking at the numbers for your show, and it seems your ratings have gone up, so congratulations.

[when Susan Shapiro touches Jon's arm, Susan sees Jon's attracted face coming up]

Susan Shapiro:
No.

Jon:
Oh, yeah.

Susan Shapiro:
I was just being friendly.

Jon:
Put it back.

Susan Shapiro:
Our relationship is strictly professional.

Jon:
Yeah. Like a bartender and a waitress.

Susan Shapiro:
Not at all, like a bartender and a waitress.

– Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[Todd sees a potato on the table]

Todd Barry:
What is that?

Sergei:
What's it look like?

[Todd grabs the potato]

Todd Barry:
What's with the potato?

[Yvgeny and Trish comes in and sees Todd holding their potato]

Trish:
Hey! Put her down!

Yvgeny:
Why is Todd Barry holding Helen?

Todd Barry:
Helen? Who's Helen?

Sergei:
Helen is potato that will start new Mirminksy vodka company. Perhaps Helen would be safer at home instead of living on table where clumsy fools like Todd Barry can harm her.

Todd Barry:
That's not necessary.

Yvgeny:
It is necessary. It's like the old saying -- If you want something done right with a potato, do it yourself with a potato.

[Yvgeny and Trish leaves]

Todd Barry:
I think he said potato at least one too many times in that.

– Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Pete Fontaine:
Everybody, my name is Pete Fontaine, and I am what's known in showbiz as a warm-up comedian. My job is to get you folks in a good mood before the actors come out and keep you in a good mood in between takes, alright? You know, keep the energy level up, keep you excited, sitting erect, stroking your funny bone till you're spewing laughter.

Pete Fontaine:
I'm basically a non-porn fluffer.

Jon:
[laughs] Fluffer!

Pete Fontaine:
Hey, not that I don't do some real fluffing on the side for extra money.

Jon:
[laughing] Oh, wow.

Pete Fontaine:
And if any of you guys are interested in that, meet me in the alley behind the studio after the show.

– Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

David:
Thanks for getting us these tickets, by the way.

Jon:
Just so you know, they were a real pain to get.

David:
But how? I mean, you got them free from Susan, right? You rode your bike, like, 10 blocks to get them, so...

Jon:
Yeah, exactly...I rode 10 blocks for these seats? We couldn't get front row? I guess these yahoos are also stars of the network, huh?

David:
Whatever.

– Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Yvgeny:
As the new head of The Mirminsky Family, I've named Trish, vice president of our new company, MNCFVC -- Mirminsky Non-Crime Family Vodka Company.

Yvgeny:
Next, I have chosen the first potato to go in the processor when production starts. This potato is a symbol of our future. I am naming here Helen, because she is going to be the launch of a thousand bottles of vodka!

– Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Jon:
Y'know, Susan. I've kind of always felt that me and you, we could be looking at the next Sam and Diane. Sam and Diane from Cheers.

Susan Shapiro:
Yes. I get the reference.

Jon:
Lot of sexual tension between those two. A lot of sexual tension.

Susan Shapiro:
I'm sorry that you mistook what I thought was obvious, poorly concealed sarcasm regarding your outfit as flirting.

Jon:
And that is just the sort of pithy comeback Diane would fire off at Sam...right before they started making out.

– Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Susan Shapiro:
Jon. What brings you by without scheduling an appointment?

Jon:
I just came by to pick up those, uh, sitcom tickets you got me.

Susan Shapiro:
yeah. As I told you earlier, I left them with security.

Jon:
No, I know. I picked them up. Thought I'd come up, as well -- Get a little face time with the network, let my dogs chill. Yeah -- The higher the dog, the sweeter the chill. [chilled sigh]

Susan Shapiro:
[don't care] Looking pretty buff in that cycling outfit.

– Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Jon:
Yeah, I kind of feel like I'm going to be pretty good at cycling. Might take David to France next year, check out the tour. Maybe shave our legs together, you know, like the racers.

– Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[after from the whole camp shenanigans, Jon sees David hanging with his friends playing a game in his loft]

David:
Dad!

Jon:
Oh, right. [chuckles] David, I-I-I forgot you were out there.

David:
Yeah. Yeah, I managed to hike through the woods and, you know, find the main road and actually hitchhike my way home. Sorry, I-I guess I should have called you.

Jon:
No, it's okay. You, uh...you figured out a way to survive. Proud of you.

David:
Thanks.

Jon:
I'm gonna go take a shower. Will. Phil. [slowly walks to room]

David:
What's up with him?

TB:
Let's just say he took part in a mother nature survival challenge of his own. Your father looked death square in the face...and won.

David:
What's that supposed to mean?

TB:
He butt [bleep] an old couple. Will. Phil.

– Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Yvgeny:
I also, 'cause I drink vodka, I don't have a six-peck, but I do have an empty bottle of vodka.

– Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

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