Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #65

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104 — There are currently 5,730 quotes total — keep up the great work!

[after Todd Barry gets raped by his own divorce ex-wife] Sergei: I have much respect for asian whore's humiliation technique. Todd Barry: Okay, I get that, but, please, don't tell anyone, alright? 'Cause I...I don't need, like, a fan approaching me on the street for an autograph and then he's like, "Oh, by the way, I heard you got raped by a prostitute", you know? I-I don't want that. Sergei: Tell you want, Todd Barry -- You call off wedding with Svetlana...I just might keep my mouth shut. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 2 months ago
Yvgeny: I drink vodka, so I never get whisky penis. I always get vodka chubby. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 2 months ago
[as TB was about to save Jon, he sees Jon and and the nature folks laughing under a cover] TB: What the hell's going on here? Jon: Suicide pill turned out to be ecstasy. TB: Oh, god. Jon: You want to get in on this, T.B.? TB: No, I'll be outside. Jon: You sure, man? TB: Yeah, I'm good. Jon: It's awesome under here. TB: [sighs] Jon: Alright. I'm going back in, T.B. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 2 months ago
TB: Okay, T.B. You could either lose your job 'cause Jon died, or you'll be in the White House next week hailed as a hero. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 2 months ago
Yvgeny: Some people call it occupy wall street. I call it occupy vodka! – Delocated Movie Quote	added 2 months ago
[when Janeane and Janeane's Husband sees Jon's bodyguard on his way to save Jon, the nature folks took pills] Janeane: [to Jon] Swallow it. Jon: Mnh-mnh. [Janenane's Husband point the shotgun at Jon to swallow the pill] Jon: [swallows the pill] What the hell was that? Janeane's Husband: Suicide pill. Jon: [tries to spit out the suicide pill out of his body] – Delocated Movie Quote	added 2 months ago
[as Todd Barry and Svetlana were about finish their marriage] Pastor: Before we begin, is there anyone present here today who knows of any reason why these two beautiful people should not be joined in holy matrimony? Speak now, or forever hold your peace. Yingtai: I DO! [angry chinese sounds] Todd Barry: I'm sorry. I need a minute. It'll just be a minute. I apologize. I'm sorry. [Todd heads to the backstage to see why Yingtai is here] Todd Barry: What are you doing here? Yingtai: YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME! YOU SAY YOU MARRY ME! Todd Barry: Marry you? I -- That's some cute, little thing I say after I blow my load. Yingtai: YOU LOVE THAT RUSSIAN WHORE?! Todd Barry: Yes, I do. Yingtai: You don't love me? Todd Barry: I absolutely love having paid sex with you, but...no, I don't love you, Yingtai, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but, please, just -- I have to get back inside. I'm sorry. Yingtai: [pulls up gun on Todd] Don't. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 2 months ago
[after Jon and the cameraman gets caught by one of the nature folks] Jon: Where am I? Janeane: You're a guest in our home. Janeane's Husband: Which is also our headquarters. We're part of militia group called Freedom Now. We tortured your cameraman! And he told us everything -- Told us about how you live in Jewish York City. Jon: [referring to his cameraman] Wait, did he call it Jewish York City, or he called it New York and you called it Jewish -- Janeane's Husband: WHAT'S THE [bleep] DIFFERENCE?! Jon: 'Cause I'll be very upset with you if you called it Jewish York, Craig! [referring to the cameraman's name] – Delocated Movie Quote	added 2 months ago
[TB came back and sees Jon has disappeared] TB: This is where I left him. Doesn't make any sense. [feels the leaves] Two sets of footprints. Jon was abducted. Here's the direct number to the head of the FBI. Tell him Jon from Delocated! is missing. I need tow black hawks and 20 S.E.A.L.S asap. NOW GO! [the ranger troopers leave] TB: [to the camera guy] Nobody's coming. I gave them a fake number. I work better alone -- Rambo-style. OO-WHEEEEEEEEEEEE! – Delocated Movie Quote	added 2 months ago
[Jon fells down in the woods] TB: Hold on. What happened? Jon: oh, I think I broke my leg. TB: Geez, let me see. Let me see. [TB hold Jon's leg] Jon: [groans] No. OW! TB: Relax. Jon: [groans] TB: Alright, alright, alright, alright, it's not broken -- Just a bad sprain. Jon: Ah! How do you know? TB: You wouldn't be able to bend it at all. Jon: [groans] No. You're wrong. It's broken. TB: Alright, there was a rangers' station a couple of miles back. One of you camera crew, stay there with Jon till I get back. The other one, come with me. Jon: DON'T LEAVE ME! MY LEG'S BROKEN! TB: It's not broken. It's just sprained. What a baby. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 2 months ago
Jon: I got to take a whiz. [pees on a tree] Oh, yeah, this is gorgeous -- Gorgeous spot for a piss. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 2 months ago
Jon: David, time to send you out to the woods, spend the night alone. 24 hours of pure survival. You can forget about your Ska Mitzvah. Now you become a real man. Jon: This is your overnight man sack. Everything you need is right inside -- One compass, one canteen, one water-purification tablet, one match. Rest is up to you. Come back a man, we'll take off that wig. Good luck. David: Seriously? Jon: Go git! [David leaves to survive the woods] Jon: GIT! David: This is ridiculous. Jon: Want some advice? Don't die! – Delocated Movie Quote	added 2 months ago
Qi-Qang: You are light again. Second week in a row. Not good. Yingtai: Todd Barry has not come around for a while. I think maybe he's on tour. Bohai: Oh, Todd Barry is not on four. [Yingtai checks Bohai's laptop to see that Todd Barry is married to someone else] Yingtai: TODD BARRY ENGAGED!? [brutally stomps on Bohai's computer couple of times] – Delocated Movie Quote	added 2 months ago
Todd Barry: Svetlana, you know I don't want to have kids, right? Svetlana: Mm-hmm. Todd Barry: They're stupid. They smell. They're disgusting. They eat up a lot of your time. Seems like a nightmare. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 2 months ago
Todd Barry: Svetlana and I have been spending a lot of time together. At first, it was me just paying for sex and blow jobs, but at some point, I realized it was more than that. It was me paying for sex, blow jobs...and love. Trish: Aww. Todd Barry: So, who do I have to ask to marry this young woman, huh? Is she a Mirminsky? Sergei: She's had so many Mirminskys inside of her, she might as well be. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 2 months ago
[Sergei sees Todd Barry with his girlfriend] Todd Barry: [baby voice] I have to drain the binky. Svetlana: Oh. Todd Barry: [baby voice] I got to go wee-wee. From my binky. Svetlana: [baby voice] Baby-waby. Todd Barry: [baby voice] I'll be right backy. Svetlana: Okay. Sergei: [to Todd's Girlfriend] You spend too much time with Todd Barry. Don't forget about other clients. Svetlana: Stop! Same money if I see 100 men or one man 100 times. Maybe Sergei's a jealous? Sergei: Jealous? Of Todd Barry's binky? Svetlana: It's very nice binky. Sergei, you had your chance to make me your wife -- And you said no. Svetlana: I know you still love me. You're too proud to say so. Sergei: Svetlana... [Todd comes back listening to some of his tunes on his computer] Todd Barry: yeah. Yep. Pretty good, right? It's called Love Theme for Svetlana. I made it in garage band this morning -- Took me 10 minutes. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 2 months ago
Jon: [to David] Come on, let's go. No Mirminskys, no Chos -- Just a father, son, their bodyguard, and the great outdoors. I am PUMPED! TB: Me too. [bleep] is gonna get primal. OO-WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! – Delocated Movie Quote	added 2 months ago
[Jon gives his son a wig] David: What is this? Jon: Until you can prove to mother nature that you are a man, you are nothing but a little girl, and you're look like a little girl. The Glaze: Oh, dear. Who's this cutie pie? And what's you're name, darling? David: This is so stupid. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 2 months ago
David: Are we going camping? Jon: Uh, me and T.B. are going camping. You are heading out to the wilderness to fend for yourself and become a man -- Either that or die trying. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 2 months ago
Jon: [singing] [to David] Time, time. Time to get up. Time to get up and get out of bed. Let's go. Get up. Out of bed. David: What time is it? Jon: It's 4:00 A.M. Let's go. Get dressed. Pack some clothes. Meet me in the living room. David: For what? Jon: Rite of Passage, son. [singing] Rite of passaaaaage! – Delocated Movie Quote	added 2 months ago
[Jon goes to spa in Chinatown] Jon: Where are those massage girls, huh? Come on. My weiner's at goldfish level. [laughs] Get it? Get those massage girls in here, I'll get it up to sea bass level. A little extra work, get it up to barracuda. Then shark. Then whale. Blue whale. [laughs] You probably thought I was gonna say sperm whale, right? [laughs] Threw you a curveball. Don't dig in too tight in the batter's box when this guy's on the mound. 'CAUSE I'LL BRING THE HEAT! – Delocated Movie Quote	added 2 months ago
[after another episode of Midnight Munchingtons] Jon: [wakes up] What's going on? How was the show last night? TB: Midnight Munchingtons got canceled two days ago. Jon: Oh. The Glaze: Susan canceled it. We've ben wanting to tell you, but you've been asleep for 72 hours, Jon. Jon: [scoffs] Where's Marlo? TB: You two broke up. Jon: Sleep Jon let a shmokin' piece of tush like that get away? [chuckles] Oh, man. What a homo. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 2 months ago
[The Glaze shows Susan Shapiro his own pilot of the show he made by himself] The Glaze: The show will focus extensively on the psychological and emotional work I've been doing with all my celebrity clients. It's called "Healin' Your Feelin's with The Glaze". Susan Shapiro: Brad and Angelina. Maggie and Jake. You've really worked with all these people? The Glaze: ... The Glaze: Nope. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 2 months ago
[Jon asks for help with the Wang Cho Gang with his sleep problems] Jon: There's Awake Jon, and then there's Sleep Jon. I need to figure out a way to get Awake Jon to a place where he is as happy, if not happier, than Sleep Jon. Got to talk to Marlo. But how? Guess what. Same dick. She doesn't want the day dick. She wants the night dick. I'm sorry. Am I boring you? It's called Super Dragon level. You have to listen! She doesn't have to have sex with Awake Jon, but she very well better have respect for him. [crying] And I don't like the fact that everyone likes Sleep Jon more than Awake Jon! Qi-Qang: THAT'S IT! SUPER DRAGON LEVEL EXPIRED! GET OUT! Jon: What do you mean, expired? Qi-Qang: Super Dragon Level lasts only two weeks! Jon: Fine. Sign me up for two more weeks. Qi-Qang: NO! SUPER DRAGON LEVEL SIGN-UP IS TOMORROW! YOU SHUT THE [bleep] UP AND GET OUT! Jon: Fine. I'll be back tomorrow, then. Meng Yao: Go see a therapist! – Delocated Movie Quote	added 2 months ago

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