Lucy: The Daughter of the Devil

Special Father #1:
When archaeologists unearthed the Black Sea shrimp forks, the Vatican arranged for them to be sent to us in San Francisco. These forks are part of the legendary Last Serving Set and one of the few utensils in the world that can pierce the heart of the anti-christ.

Special Father #1:
[on phone] No, no, no. I appre -- I appreciate that you overnighted them, your holiness. Yes, I know it's expensive. They're 2,000 years old. I know, I know. What can I say, this is, uh, this is my fault. We went to yoga, and we had to sign up, and it was a whole -- It was a fr -- Anyway, tomorrow we'll make sure someone will be here to sign for it.

Satan:
Hello?

Lucy:
Hey! It's me! I need to borrow $180. I want to take a pottery class.

Satan:
Um...I can't really hear you, but I heard dollars so...no?

Lucy:
Where are you?

Satan:
Um, I'm at my dildo factory.

Lucy:
You have a dildo factory?

Satan:
Yeah, of course.

Lucy:
I know Sinsperations!

Satan:
You do?

Lucy:
Yeah, I actually wrote a letter to them once. I had this amazing idea for a...

Satan:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Daddy doesn't wanna hear baby's ideas about d*ldos.

Lucy:
No, it's a vibrator. It's the one --

Satan:
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want to hear this. Thank you.

Lucy:
Dad, so prudish. I'm a big, BIG masturbator.

Satan:
Bye.

Lucy:
I thought you knew that about me. It's kind of my thing.

Satan:
Bye.

Lucy:
You know what? I would love to come in and do product testing.

Satan:
Bye. I shut my phone.

Lucy:
Oh, do you have a "Bring Your Daughter To Work" Day?

Random Kid:
What are you doing?

DJ Jesus:
Oh, I'm, uh, holding my arms out for three days and three nights too break the world record. Y'know, we're also podcasting and videoblogging.

Random Kid:
Yeah? How do you go to the bathroom?

DJ Jesus:
A catheter.

Random Kid:
How do you go poop?

Judas:
That'd be me, right here! You wanna try it?

Random Kid:
Oh, boy, can I?

Judas:
Yeah, is it cool with you, Jesus?

DJ Jesus:
Yeah, it's all right, man.

Random Kid:
Thank you.

Judas:
Okay. Hold it under him.

DJ Jesus:
Here we go...

Judas:
Kid, hold it under him.

Random Kid:
Um...I don't wanna -- Ugh. [surprised] Oh.

DJ Jesus:
So, did you say your Dad has a dildo factory?

Lucy:
I did.

Judas:
Awesome!

DJ Jesus:
We want your dad to make a dildo of me breaking the world record for holding my arms out. We're going to auction it off on holdingmyarmsout.com.

Lucy:
Really?

DJ Jesus:
Yes.

Lucy:
Wow.

Judas:
I'd buy it...FOR MY MOM!

Lucy and DJ Jesus:
...

Judas:
[to someone else] Uh...FOR YOUR MOM! WHOO! Huh?

Becky:
I don't get it.

Worker:
That's the part you have sex with.

Becky:
I don't think you're right.

Worker:
Well, that's the part I'd have sex with.

Special Father #2:
For two minutes, I'm in the bathroom, and the guy comes. It's not my fault!

Special Sister:
Oh, I doubt it was two minutes.

Special Father #1:
Okay, settle down.

Special Sister:
He reads US Magazine cover-to-cover in there!

Special Father #1:
Sister, settle down! It says we can pick it up tomorrow at the distribution center.

Special Sister:
These are some of the most sacred artifacts of the Christian world.

Special Father #2:
I don't read US Magazine!

Special Father #1:
Thank you, Father.

Special Sister:
Yes, you do!

Special Father #2:
I DON'T!

Special Sister:
Yes, you do!

Special Father #1:
Sister, walk away! WALK AWAY!

DJ Jesus:
So many people have come by today and said that it doesn't look hard what I'm doing to hold your arms up like this at a...90 degree angle or higher is, uh, I say, try it, okay? You try it. Most people can't even do it five minutes, forget about three days. I mean, come on.

Security Guard:
Please, come out of there.

Lucy:
Are you talking to me?

Security Guard:
Yes. Is that a dildo in your pocket?

Lucy:
No, I'm just happy to see you.

Security Guard:
Hey, I've heard that one.

Lucy:
I just need one--

Security Guard:
Every shoplifter makes that same joke.

Lucy:
This is my Dad's company! I am not a shoplifter!

[Satan sees DJ Jesus on TV holding his arms out for three days]

Satan:
Look at that smug son of a b*tch. I can hold my arms out for three days...

DJ Jesus:
Yeah, they're stu -- They're stuck like this, um...some kind of paralysis, but I've a, I've got a great medical team. I'm not worried. They're, uh -- We're going to fix it.

Newsreporter:
Is it true you commissioned a dildo of yourself?

DJ Jesus:
Yeah, where's Lucy?

Lucy:
Here I am. [holding her own dildo]

DJ Jesus:
It's being auctioned on the website, guys. Look at the website.

Newsreporter:
What's the website address?

DJ Jesus:
Holdingmyarmsout.com.

Becky:
We're back on top! Here's to Lucy and her horrible dildo!

Satan:
You know what? I don't- I don't want to cheer with d*ldos.

Becky:
What's the problem? That one hasn't been used.

Satan:
And that one has?

Satan and Becky:
Awkward!

DJ Jesus:
I want to push DJing. I want it to be more than DJing. And also less than DJing. That's why I started incorporating nearacles into my set. Nearacles are like AlmostMiracles. They get close... but, you know, it's not quite there. It's a nearacle.

Special Father #1:
At the time, we were also blind to the most horrible secret of all: the Devil's unholy move into the casual, afterwork-style bar & grill business.

[while Satan is still preparing a bar-and-grill business]

Special Father #1:
[narrating] Vulgar and foul, this is the devil's work.

Becky:
[to Satan] This...this is the devil's work? You bought a restaurant.

Satan:
Uh, Becky, a *chain* of restaurants.

Becky:
How can you justify this? How is this evil?

Satan:
Are you kidding?

Delivery Guy:
Excuse me...

Becky:
No, I want to understand.

Satan:
[to DG] Hold on a second.

Delivery Guy:
I got an animatronic burrito here.

Satan:
Oh, the Talking Burrito?

Delivery Guy:
Yeah, the Talking Burrito.

Satan:
Right here, I'll sign.

Satan:
Oh, I'm ordering your Tequila Sally's uniform.

Lucy:
Right.

Satan:
So, what are you? A ten?

Lucy:
A TEN?

Satan:
Twelve? What?

Lucy:
Oh, my God! I'm a six!

Satan:
Ummmm... I don't think so. I mean, really?

Lucy:
Yeah. I-I'm...

Satan:
I-Maybe I don't know women's clothing...

Lucy:
I think maybe you don't. Or women's body types. Because there is no universe in which I am a twelve.

Satan:
Look, okay, Lucy!

Lucy:
Yeah?

Satan:
I don't want to order you a six and then you're gonna tell me a week after I get it for you, "I need a ten," or "I need a twelve."

Lucy:
That's not gonna happen. That's not gonna happen.

Satan:
All right, so, between now and the time the six comes in, you should lose twenty pounds.

Lucy:
DAD!

Satan:
Haha, what?

[after Lucy got done her phone call, she came back and sees his boyfriend being possessed that Lucy's Dog did]

Ethan:
It's all for you, Lucy. [jumps out window]

Lucy:
...Bad dog.

Special Father #1:
We have found it. This is the prophecy. When we translate this text, we will know the identity of the antichrist.

Special Father #1:
It says that a woman will agree to bear the child of Satan in exchange for a Datsun 280zx.

Becky:
Hooves! Hooves! Hooves!

Satan:
Sorry, sorry.

Becky:
I know you're not -- I know it's not on purpose...

Satan:
I know! I know! Noted. Noted.

Becky:
That's -- If it's not the hooves, it's the horns.

Satan:
Well, do you want to stop, or?

Becky:
No, no, no. Let's keep going. Keep going. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It just...

Satan:
Well, now I don't...

Becky:
What? Do I need to...

Satan:
No. I'll- No.

Becky:
Oh, I really...

Satan:
I'll just get some water...

Becky:
I'm glad you're here.

Satan:
I'll be right back.

Satan:
Look, I paid for your stupid art school, didn't I? And I got you a dog. A hypoallergenic dog, mind you, 'cause you're allergic...

Lucy:
Excuse me, did you just say "stupid" art school?

Satan:
...

Lucy:
Dad?

Satan:
No.

Lucy:
Yes, you did!

Satan:
Art is not stupid, Lucy. I got to go.

Satan:
[on phone] This is Satan.

Becky:
Hey, it's Becky.

Satan:
Becky, hey.

Becky:
We have new information. I thought you'd want to know.

Satan:
Me too. I just got some, too.

Becky:
Okay, can I say mine first?

Satan:
No.

Becky:
Please, we got to move quickly here. I got the name of the nightclub.

Satan:
Armageddon?

Becky:
How'd did you know that?

Satan:
[chuckles] How'd I get it? Well, it's complicated.

Becky:
Why?

Satan:
Well, Lucy was actually at that club...

Becky:
At Armageddon?

Satan:
...flirting, yeah, flirting with the DJ.

Becky:
Your daughter?

Satan:
Mm-hmm.

Becky:
The antichrist?

Satan:
That's correct.

Becky:
So was at Armageddon, flirting with someone who may possibly be the Second Coming?

Satan:
Mm-hmm, sounds crappy when you say it.

Special Father #1:
Do you think that on a Coast Guard cutter, in the middle of the ocean, they made instant cocoa and put shaved cinnamon on it?

Special Father #2:
It's possible!

Special Father #1:
It is not possible.

The Senator:
Uh focusing on ME now! Attention turns back to me, please!

Lucy:
Please [bleep] off!

DJ Jesus:
Whoa! Guys, come on. Hey, look, everyone, this next cut's going out to this guy right here. [to Senator] Shake it, guy, come on.

The Senator:
Hey [bleep] you pal! [garbled] Stay out of this!

DJ Jesus:
Guy, guy, peace. Bless this brother.

DJ Jesus:
Yo, yo, yo! DJ Jesus is on the mount! Peace, children! Peace!

Lucy:
Hey, you! I love this! It sounds great!

DJ Jesus:
You know, I can't hear you, but I can read your lips. You're like "Blah blah blah great", right?

Becky:
Here- Here's what we have. His name might be Jesus and he's very possibly a DJ who works nightclubs, weddings, bar mitzvahs, proms, that kind of thing, somewhere in California. A little sketchy.

Satan:
Well, you should run the computer model again because...

Becky:
I-I agree!

Satan:
That sounds unlikely that it's another Jesus.

Becky:
I agree.

Satan:
That's impossible.

Lucy:
Dad, I gotta go. I'm going out. We'll talk another time.

Satan:
Oh, oh, oh, oh. Wait, wait.

Lucy:
Have another drink.

Satan:
I have a favor to ask you.

Lucy:
What's the favor?

Satan:
I mean, a present... to give you. I have a present to give you.

Lucy:
What is it?

Satan:
I want you to go out on a date with a friend of mine, who is a U.S. Senator. Right? He's rich and he's good looking. Sort of.

Lucy:
Ew. He's rich? I don't want to be pimped off to some Senator.

Satan:
Look, this date will take you to the highest heights of political power.

Lucy:
I don't want to be on a high height of political power.

Satan:
Well, you're just being contrary now.

Lucy:
But it's a mood point anyway, 'cause you know what? I've actually met a nice guy and I'm with him right now. Which is why I can't talk, so please let me go, okay? Goodbye.

Satan:
Well, I'll tell you something, Lucy. I don't think this "nice guy" is going to be a part of your life for much longer.

Lucy:
What does that mean?

Satan:
Hmm?

Lucy:
I said, what does that mean?

Satan:
[happily] Nothing.

Lucy:
Dad!

Satan:
[evil laughs]

Lucy:
YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE!

Satan:
Sorry.

The Senator:
So, did you like riding over here in a helicopter?

Lucy:
Um, no! I actually think it's a total waste of energy to take a helicopter 8 blocks.

The Senator:
I know! It's hilarious, isn't it?

Becky:
I'm not saying I think you did a bad job. I'm just saying, I'll feel a lot better when you know for sure that the Special Fathers are dead.

Satan:
Okay, Grandma. I'll let you know when they float to the surface.

Becky:
Listen, that's not why I called. I have something else. We're getting reports that the Second Coming may have already happened. The Messiah might be in play in the earthly realm as we speak.

Satan:
No way. C2 in the E.R.

Becky:
C2 in the E.R.

Satan:
[sighs] S of G?

Becky:
What's that?

Satan:
Son of God.

Becky:
Yeah, S of G.

The Senator:
You're playing it pretty cool with me! Very "get out of my face"! Very "I'm not impressed with your power and money"!

Lucy:
You are an ENORMOUS douchebag!

Captain:
How you doing, folks, this is your captain speakin'. Just wanted to let you know that as soon as we get beverages served, we're going to begin our movie for this flight, which is Legally Blond 2. You can, uh, find the audio on Channel 11.

Captain:
And if you get a chance, also, take a look out your window, because pretty soon, I'm going to point this plane straight down and drive us as deep into the ocean as I can. Your mother sucks [bleep] in hell. Praise, Satan!

Passengers:
...

Co-Pilot:
Hey, folks, this your co-pilot speaking. Um, if there's an exorcist or a priest on board, could you, uh, please identify yourself to a member of the flight crew. I sure would appreciate it, thank you. Kinda need you to do that right away, if you could. Once again, you can find the audio for Legally Blonde 2 on Channel 11.

Demon Voice:
Previously on Lucy, the Daughter of the Devil.

Classmate #1:
Look at the rack on Lucy!

[suddenly Lucy's dog tears Classmate #1 to shreds]

Classmate #1:
AAH! MY FACE!

Classmate #2:
I didn't know we could bring dogs to school.

[Lucy's Dog growlingly stares at Ethan]

Lucy:
Ethan, how is your beer? Is it okay?

Ethan:
It's good.

Lucy:
I don't know what music you like. What's, uh -- Oh, is he growling at you?

Ethan:
Yes, he is.

Lucy:
It's very hard to hear. It's so low, it's like --

Ethan:
It's -- It's not really hard to hear, actually.

Lucy:
[to her dog] Who is Mr. Scary Dog? You are a scary dog.

Ethan:
Hey, can he go -- Can he -- Does he want to check out another room or something?

[Lucy's phone rings]

Lucy:
Oh, hold on one second. [leaves]

Ethan:
Please, please.

Lucy:
Ethan. I'm so sorry. I'll be right back, one sec.

Ethan:
Take him with you.

Lucy:
Just be a sec.

Ethan:
[quietly scared] Take him with you...

Satan:
[on phone] Hey, I just wanted to say sorry about calling so late last night.

Lucy:
Mm-hmm.

Satan:
But I drank four, uh, appletinis and --

Lucy:
Dad, I can't really talk right now.

Satan:
Well, you ever had one? 'Cause they're delicious.

Lucy:
No.

Satan:
Fresh Apple...

Lucy:
No.

Satan:
...Apple Vodka...

Lucy:
No.

Satan:
...Apple Schnapps...

Lucy:
No.

Satan:
...and you --

Lucy:
Dad, Dad, can you stop for a second?

Becky:
So, how's it going with the antichrist project?

Satan:
[writes down] "S of G". I'm an acronym guy.

Becky:
Yeah, I kno -- I know, and sometimes you're thinking it's gonna make the conversation shorter, but it makes it longer 'cause you have to tell me what it means.

Satan:
Right, but it's funner to say letters.

Becky:
Yes, it is fun for you.

Satan:
Do one.

Becky:
Okay, how's it going with the A.C.?

Satan:
The air-conditioning?

Becky:
[tired] See, this is what I mean.

Satan:
What's the A.C.?

Becky:
AntiChrist.

Satan:
Yeah, well, you know, kids today...get distracted easily.

[shows a scene where Satan is watching Tom Goes To The Mayor on TV]

Becky:
Uh-huh.

Satan:
Hey, did I, uh -- [dazed off]

Becky:
Uh-huh?

[while Senator gets beaten up by the bouncers of the club outside]

The Senator:
[in pain] That's the kidney park.

Special Father #1:
[on phone] Okay, okay, okay. Bye-bye. [hangs up]

Special Father #2:
Who was that?

Special Father #1:
That was the Pope. He says we should continue to San Francisco any way we can.

Special Father #2:
[slurps] Does this cocoa taste really good to you?

Special Father #1:
[slurps] It's pretty good.

Satan:
This is Satan.

Senator:
[while beaten up] Master, this date isn't going so well.

Satan:
W-What's going on?

Senator:
Well, for one thing, your daughter is a little bit high-strung.

Satan:
I know.

Senator:
And then she starts making eyes at this DJ Jesus. Are you kidding me.

Satan:
[on phone] How's the date going?

Lucy:
It's fantastic. It's the best date ever.

Satan:
The club you're at. Wha -- What's the name of the club?

Lucy:
Armageddon. Why?

Satan:
Listen, I want you to get out of there right now and call me when you're about a block away.

Satan:
[singing while playing his keyboard] There's gonna be a terrible, terrible fire at the club.

Lucy:
What? What?

Satan:
Or, I don't know, maybe a truck is gonna crash into it. Depends on who I can get at this time of night.

Lucy:
What are you talking about?

Satan:
[typing on computer] "Armageddon". Google.

Lucy:
What are you doing?

Satan:
Giving you the address. Got to kill [singing] hmm, hmm again.

[while Satan and Becky are still talking about the Armageddon stuff]

Becky:
I have to say something.

Satan:
It's all set, though. I'm taking care of it.

Becky:
Are you? Because it seems to me, on my end, that you're losing control of your daughter.

[Satan pressed his keyboard hard controlling a random person to light the entire club on fire]

Satan:
WRONG! WRONG, BECKY! I'm not losing control, alright? I'll handle it. God!

Becky:
I hope so!

Satan:
Becky...

Becky:
'Cause from where I'm sitting...

Satan:
...so uptight.

Satan:
[singing] I got it...under control. I got it under control. I am the devil. And I got you under my control.

Special Father #1:
In our quest to kill the antichrist, we scoured the earth, searching for the holy weapons described in the prophecy.

Special Sister:
The Glass Eye of St. Augustine! We can find and destroy the antichrist.

Special Father #1:
Uh, how much for this?

Eyeball Salesman:
$7,000.

Special Father #1:
That's a little steep.

[Special Sister then pulls out her gun and shoots the eyeball salesman]

Special Father #1:
Sister, no. [sighs] This is why I hate shopping with you two.

Special Father #1:
We were not aware at the time, but other forces were gathering. A humble deejay was rising in power and fame.

DJ Jesus:
I want to push deejaying. I want it to be more than deejaying and also less than deejaying.

DJ Jesus:
That's why I started incorporating miracles into my set. Miracles are like almost miracles. They get close, but, you know, it's not quite there. It's a miracle.

DJ Jesus:
Now, I don't know you, do I? We've -- We've never met.

Sexy Woman:
No.

DJ Jesus:
Is your name Delilah?

Sexy Woman:
No.

DJ Jesus:
Oh. Seriously? I'm -- I'm usually good at this. Is this your phone number?

[suddenly birds appear and poop the sexy woman's phone number on street]

Sexy Woman:
Oh, my god, how did you do that?

DJ Jesus:
I'll call you and tell you later...when we are [bleep].

Sexy Woman:
...You're not gonna [bleep] me.

[later]

DJ Jesus:
[on phone] Hello? Open your eyes. It's me on top of you [bleep] you.

[shows a scene where DJ Jesus and the Sexy Woman have sex together while holding their phones]

Special Father #1:
And behind it all, the antichrist, never resting, never wasting a single moment in her dark quest.

Satan:
[on phone with a deep voice] You are the antichrist. Lucy, you are the -- [chuckles] Is that creepy?

Lucy:
Mm-hmm. So, you're just checking in or...?

Satan:
I'm ordering your, uh, Tequila Sally's uniform.

Lucy:
Right.

Satan:
So, what are you, a 10?

Lucy:
[pissed] A 10?!

Satan:
12? What?

Lucy:
Oh, my -- Oh, my god, I'm a 6.

Satan:
Mmm, I don't think so. I mean, really?

Lucy:
Yeah, I-- I'm --

Satan:
Ah, maybe I don't know women's clothing.

Lucy:
I think maybe you don't. Or women's body types because there's no universe in which I'm a 12.

Satan:
Look. Okay. Lucy.

Lucy:
Yeah.

Satan:
I don't want to order you a 6 and then you're gonna tell me a week after I get it for you, "I need a 10", or, "I need a 12".

Lucy:
That's not gonna happen. That's not gonna happen.

Satan:
Alright, so between now and the time the 6 comes in, you should lose 20 pounds. [chuckles]

Lucy:
Dad!

Satan:
[chuckling] What?

Satan:
Hey, I just thought of a new drink. Diet Margarita. Guess what it's called. A Di-arita. Huh?

Lucy:
[tired] Brilliant.

Lucy:
Hey, you know what would be horribly bad and tacky?

Satan:
What's that?

Lucy:
Karaoke.

Satan:
I love karaoke.

Lucy:
I know a guy who could set it up.

Satan:
You do?

Lucy:
Uh-huh.

Satan:
Luce, that's a good idea.

Lucy:
Thank you.

Satan:
I like it -- Like. We could call it, like...

Deep Voice:
Karaoke Tuesday.

DJ Jesus:
Karaoke Tuesdays. Uh, we'll do it.

Lucy:
Really?

DJ Jesus:
A restaurant chain? That's the belly of the beast, man. That's awesome.

Judas:
That is awesome.

DJ Jesus:
We'll shoot it for the DVD, and we won't just do karaoke. We'll do Escapeoke.

Judas:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. DJ J.

DJ Jesus:
Shh. Don't worry about it. It'll be, uh, it'll be a fearacle. Like a fear miracle, you know?

Lucy:
Mm-hmm.

DJ Jesus:
Hey -- Hey, you smell something?

Lucy:
Um...no.

Judas:
I do.

DJ Jesus:
Yeah, you smell it, right, Judas?

Judas:
I do, man, I smell it.

DJ Jesus:
It smells like [sniffs] It smells like fish.

Judas:
It kind of does!

Lucy:
Fish?

DJ Jesus:
Yeah, like, right behind your ear.

[DJ Jesus pulls a fish dish out of Lucy's ear]

Judas:
OH!

Lucy:
Oh. Huh.

DJ Jesus:
[to Lucy] Stay for dinner?

Judas:
Pulled out the platter of fish.

DJ Jesus:
You got that right.

Judas:
Dude, cameraman, tell me you got that?

[Special Sister tries to summon Satan by using the Glass Eye of St. Augustine]

Special Sister:
Show us the spawn of Satan. Glass Eye of St. Augustine, find the antichrist.

[the glass eye moves to SF1]

Special Sister:
I KNEW IT!

Special Father #1:
What?

Special Sister:
IT'S YOU!

Special Father #1:
What?

Special Sister:
You're the antichrist.

Special Father #1:
What are you talk-- No.

Special Sister:
Your weird accent and your fancy shoes with your swagger.

Special Father #1:
What's "Swagger"?

Special Father #2:
Excuse me, Sister, it's the poster.

Special Sister:
What?

Special Father #2:
The poster. The -- The eye is looking at the poster.

Special Sister:
Oh! Oh, my god.

Special Father #1:
Ha. Ha. Ha! Ha. I knew it.

Special Sister:
I'm so sor--

Special Father #1:
I knew it.

Special Sister:
[stress] You just carry yourself in the way that I--

Animatronic Talking Burrito:
Holy guacamole! I'm out of controli!

Becky:
Well, this is the place.

Satan:
I love that talking burrito.

Judas:
Mike check, mike check, one two. ESCAPEOOOOOKE!

DJ Jesus:
Sounds good.

Judas:
Kick-ass acoustics here, man.

Satan:
[to Becky] Oh, this guy?

Becky:
Oh, not this guy.

[after Satan sees Judas is doing Escapeoke for karaoke night]

Satan:
[to Lucy] This is your friend who does karaoke?

Lucy:
Yeah.

Satan:
You know I don't like you hanging around this guy. You know that. I told you that.

Becky:
I thought -- You told me he was dead.

Satan:
He is. He's dead right now. Come on, interns. Lucy, go get us some one of those atacolypses. [to Intern #1] Di-arita?

Intern #1:
Yeah.

Satan:
[to Intern #2] Di-arita?

Intern #2:
Yeah.

Satan:
Three di-aritas.

Lucy:
No, no, no, no, no. You can't kill him. He's the only one who knows how to run the karaoke machine.

Satan:
Right, he runs the karaoke.

Lucy:
Great.

Satan:
Alright, I got to think straight. Uuuuuuum...karoake's good.

Becky:
You've got to be kidding me.

Satan:
[angry] What's the matter, Becky, huh? You don't like singing and fun? Everyone else here does, okay, wet blanket?

Animatronic Talking Burrito:
Holy chimichanga! I'm going out of my manga!

[The Special Fathers and Sister head to Satan's Bar-And-Grill Restaurant]

Special Father #1:
Smells good in here.

Special Father #2:
I am hungry. I-I'm really starving.

Special Sister:
You guys, duh, focus.

Judas:
DJ Jesus has been bound by six pairs of regulation handcuffs supplied by the San Francisco Police Department and 4 different galvanized-steel chains.

[while The Special Sister is still waiting to capture Lucy by using the Glass Eye of St. Augustine]

Special Sister:
We wait until she comes close.

[the Special Fathers checks the menus of this restaurant]

Special Father #2:
Do you want to split this?

Special Father #1:
What is that?

Special Father #2:
It's a sandwich, a pulled-pork sandwich.

Special Father #1:
Oh, pulled-pork. What is this? I thought it was mexican. Why is it all of a sudden a barbecue restaurant?

Special Father #2:
I don't know.

Special Father #1:
This menu is all over the place.

Special Sister:
WE. ARE. ON. A. MISSION!

Special Father #2:
You know, I would split nachos.

Special Father #1:
I am not supposed to eat cheese.

Special Father #2:
You're supposed to eat cheese?

Special Father #1:
No, it'd like an irritable bowel --

Special Sister:
FATHERS!

[when Satan and DJ Jesus keep singing so loudly, the Glass Eye of St. Augustine breaks, failing the mission to capture Lucy]

Lucy:
Sorry to keep you waiting. What can I get you?

Special Sister:
[bleep noises]

Lucy:
So, you need another minute? [to Special Sister] Oh, be careful. It's broken glass.

Special Sister:
Yeah, I know!

Lucy:
I'll go ahead and sweep it up,

Special Sister:
NO, I got it, thank you.

Special Father #1:
Great job, Sister. You and your eye.

Special Sister:
It would have WORKED.

Lucy:
So, you need another minute?

Special Father #1:
No, no, we can order. We'll get the nachos grande.

Lucy:
Great.

Special Father #1:
And, um, two di-aritas.

Lucy:
Terrific.

Special Father #1:
And, um, can we get a side of three refried beans.

Lucy:
No problem.

Special Father #1:
Great. Oh, can I have wa -- uh, ice water, too?

Lucy:
Ice water for both of you?

Special Sister:
I'LL HAVE A CHICKEN CON CARNE!

Special Father #1:
You know what? I'm gonna get some fried jalapenos as well.

Lucy:
Okay.

Special Father #1:
Yeah.

Special Sister:
FINE!

Lucy:
I'll be right back with your nachos.

Special Father #1:
And a strawberry di-arita.

Special Sister:
THIS IS A DISASTER!

Special Father #1:
[to Lucy] You know, as a backup. I mean, if we're gonna start the car, we might as well have a good engine, huh? You know what I mean?

Lucy:
I do.

Special Father #1:
You're cute.

Lucy:
Thank you.

Special Father #1:
I like your outfit.

Special Sister:
FATHER!

Lucy:
You don't think it's too small?

Special Father #1:
No, it's good. They certainly stuffed you in that one, huh?

Becky:
Come on, champ. We got a little bit too much to drink.

Satan:
[drunk] No, I didn't.

Becky:
And now it's time to

Satan:
No, I didn't.

Becky:
Can somebody find his sweater?

Satan:
Give me a kiss.

Becky:
Satan, stop. Stop.

Satan:
Kiss the devil. [sexy noises]

Becky:
Stop it.

Satan:
Hey, buddy.

DJ Jesus:
Hey, Lucy's Dad.

Satan:
No, not you, the snake.

DJ Jesus:
Oh.

Satan:
[laughs] Gotcha!

DJ Jesus:
Oh! [laughs] Oh, you dick.

Satan:
Come here.

[Satan hug DJ Jesus]

Satan:
Where are you going, man?

DJ Jesus:
Where you going?

Satan:
Let's stay here.

DJ Jesus:
Let's do it.

Becky:
According to our studies, if the people of the world masturbate just 8% more, civilization will collapse.

Becky:
We feel that men can't possibly masturbate more, but women -- Women can.

Satan:
Yeah, especially her. [referring to Becky] [laughs]

Satan:
[to a worker] Translate that.

Interpreter:
[speaking foreign language]

Employees:
[laughing]

Becky:
What?

Satan:
Uh, nothing.

Becky:
I just -- I have a flow going, and it doesn't help. It's hard not having an interpreter, but then to have you throw these things in.

Interpreter:
[speaks foreign language]

Becky:
[to Interpreter] No, you don't have to interpret this part.

Satan:
[to Interpreter] Sir, stop.

Becky:
Civilization could collapse at any moment. It's time to start phase two. Satan!

Satan:
Sorry. What? I just got an e-mail from Lucy. She's killing me with this stuff.

Satan:
[types to Lucy] "Leave me alone". Send.

Lucy:
[types to his Dad] [laughs] "If you don't like that, you're gonna hate this".

[Lucy posted a drawing of a handle with multiple d*ldos]

Becky:
I don't get it.

Interpreter:
That's the part you have sex with.

Becky:
I don't think you're right.

Interpreter:
Well, that's the part I'd have sex with.

Satan:
Alright, will you delete it? I don't want to look at it.

Interpreter:
Make it a screen saver.

[Lucy comes by to Satan's Dildo Factory for assistance]

Satan:
[to the security guard on camera] No, don't let her in.

Lucy:
Dad, just let me into the workshop. I'll do the rest.

Satan:
Never.

Lucy:
This is a promotional opportunity. Just give me the motor and the shaft.

Satan:
Lucy, go home.

Passport Guy:
[checks SF1's credit card] I don't even know what this -- What is "Vatican City" Special Fa--

Special Father #1:
I am a Special Father of the Vatican City.

Passport Guy:
You got a passport?

Special Father #1:
This is better than a passport.

Passport Guy:
I need a passport or a U.S. Driver's license.

Special Father #1:
This is ridiculous. I can get in to see the pope with this, but I can't pick up a [bleep] package. This is [bleep]

Special Sister:
[to Passport Guy] You know who gives these out? God gives these out. Who did your background check, [bleep]?

Passport Guy:
Sir, you need to calm down.

Special Sister:
SIR?!

[Special Sister beats Passport Guy]

Special Father #1:
[to Special Sister] Sister. Okay, go and get the package.

Special Father #2:
Hey, you smell something burning.

[shows a scene outside the window where Lucy runs away holding a motor before Satan's Dildo Factory exploded]