Wikidude's Quotes Page #5,488

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[K and James are walking down a corridor at MIB headquarters. K hands James a file.]

Agent K:
Back in the mid-1950s the government started a little, underfunded agency with the simple and laughable purpose of establishing contact with a race not of this planet. ... Everybody thought the agency was a joke, except the aliens who made contact March 2, 1961, outside New York. There were nine of us the first night: seven agents, one astronomer, and one dumb kid who got lost on the wrong back road.

James:
[He notices a picture of agents giving an alien flowers] Aww, you brought that tall man some flowers.

[K points]

Agent K:
This way. They were a group of intergalactic refugees. Wanted to the use the earth as an apolitical zone for ... creatures without a planet. Did you ever seen the movie Casablanca?

[James nods]

Agent K:
Same thing, 'cept no Nazis.

James:
Oh.

Agent K:
We agreed, and we concealed all the evidence of their landing.

[James looks at a picture]

James:
Uh-huh, so these are real flying saucers, and the World's Fair was just a cover-up for their landing.

Agent K:
Why else would we hold it in Queens? More non-humans arrive every year and they live among us in secret.

James:
Uh, look, I'm sorry, not to change the subject or anything, but when was the last time you had a CAT scan?

Agent K:
'Bout six months ago, it's company policy.

James:
Right, you should make another appointment. Um, look, tell your boy Zed I had an absolutely wonderful time, and thank you for everything, but... [He hands the file back] ...why don't you show me the door?

Men in Black  Movie Quote

added 5 years ago

Agent K:
All right, kid, here's the deal. At any given time there are around fifteen hundred aliens on the planet, most of them right here in Manhattan. And most of them are decent enough, they're just trying to make a living.

James:
Cab drivers.

Agent K:
No, not as many as you'd think. Humans, for the most part, don't have a clue. They don't want one or need one, either. They're happy. They think they have a good bead on things.

James:
Why the big secret? People are smart. They can handle it.

Agent K:
A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat. And fifteen minutes ago, you knew that people were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.

James:
What's the catch?

Agent K:
The catch? The catch is you will sever every human contact. Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere...Ever. I'll give you 'til sunrise to think it over. [walks away]

James:
Hey! Is it worth it?

Agent K:
Oh yeah, it's worth it. [pause] If you're strong enough.

Men in Black  Movie Quote

added 5 years ago

[A police officer pushes a stretcher with Rosenberg's corpse and a cat on top.]

Police Officer:
Where do you want contestant number three?

Dr. Laurel Weaver:
Just leave it there.

[Laurel walks over.]

Dr. Laurel Weaver:
What's with the cat?

Police Officer:
Uh, the cat. Yeah, well, there's a problem with the cat. [He hands her a clipboard] Sign here.

Dr. Laurel Weaver:
What's the problem with the cat?

Police Officer:
It's your problem. Heh, heh. [He leaves]

Dr. Laurel Weaver:
[to herself] I hate the living.

Men in Black  Movie Quote

added 5 years ago

Agent J:
Dr., uh... Whatever, come here.

Dr. Laurel Weaver:
Dr. Whatever? Hey, you guys aren't really from the Department of Health, are you?

Agent K:
Rosenberg. Aw, damn. The Arquillians are not gonna like this. This guy was one of the royal family.

Dr. Laurel Weaver:
I knew it. This is an alien, and you guys are from some government agency trying to keep it under wraps.

Men in Black  Movie Quote

added 5 years ago

Dr. Laurel Weaver:
[still disoriented from being neuralyzed] Hey, whoever you guys are, you're gonna have to show me some ID if you're gonna be in the morgue.

Agent K:
Oh, yes, of course, young lady. Have a look at this for me, please. [neuralyzes her again]

Agent J:
Would you stop that?!

Agent K:
What?!

Agent J:
That thing is gonna give her brain cancer or something!

Agent K:
Never hurt her before. Look, we've gotta get all the doors closed around here. Special Services'll be here any minute.

Agent J:
"Never hurt her before"? How many times have you flashy-thinged that poor woman?!

Agent K:
Couple.

Agent J:
So, what, are you not worried about no long-term damage?

Agent K:
A little.

Agent J:
K, have you ever flashy-thinged me?

Agent K:
No.

Agent J:
I ain't playing with you, K, have you ever flashy-thinged me?!

Agent K:
No.

Men in Black  Movie Quote

added 5 years ago

Agent K:
Zed, we're running out of time here, if that bug gets off the planet with that galaxy, we're all bug food.

Agent J:
Hey, old guys! [He points to a mural of the Flushing Meadows-Corona Park observation towers, previously explained as having been built from spaceships] Do those still work?

Men in Black  Movie Quote

added 5 years ago

Agent K:
[to MIB Special Services] Alright, we got two dead aliens and a deputy medical examiner who needs a new memory.

One of the agents:
Yes, sir.

Agent K:
[off J's look] Make it a happy memory.

Men in Black  Movie Quote

added 5 years ago

[As K and J arrive at the morgue to get Orion]

Agent J:
Look, K, why don't you let me handle this one?

Agent K:
What?

Agent J:
Come on, man, all we gotta do is go in here and get a cat, it's not really that hard. But if you go in there, you're gonna lay your Jack Webb on her, start flashing your brain ray all her face, she's gonna wind up with leukemia and some shit. The woman's a doctor, she don't need you flashing away half her med school classes. Five minutes.

Agent K:
Two minutes.

[J goes in and K waits outside.]

Men in Black  Movie Quote

added 5 years ago

[Facing off with the Bug in the morgue, as he holds Laurel at gunpoint]

Agent K:
Freeze it, Bug!

Agent J:
Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

Dr. Laurel Weaver:
Christ, you are thick!

Agent J:
Look, how was I supposed to know?!

Dr. Laurel Weaver:
What did I have to do, sing it for you?!

Agent J:
Well, if you weren't coming on like some drunken prom date...!

Dr. Laurel Weaver:
Oh, God, that is so typical! Any woman who shows yet the slightest hint of sexual independence...!

Edgar/Bug:
Oh, everybody shut up!

Agent K:
Let her go, shiteater.

Edgar/Bug:
Now listen, monkey-boy! Compared to you humans, I'm on the top rung of the evolutionary ladder! So can it, all right?!

Agent K:
You're breaking my heart. Show me your face and I'll cure all your ills.

Edgar/Bug:
You ever pulled the wings off a fly? Do you care to see the fly get even?!

Agent K:
How far do you think you're gonna get without your ship, if that's what you call that piece of space trash we've got locked up in the office?

Edgar/Bug:
Put your weapons down!

Agent K:
Never gonna happen, insect.

Agent J:
It's okay, Laurel.

Dr. Laurel Weaver:
How is it okay?

Agent J:
I'm saying it's gonna be okay.

Edgar/Bug:
Don't bet on it, meatsack!

Men in Black  Movie Quote

added 5 years ago

Agent J:
[after stepping on a cockroach, causing the Bug to freeze as he is climbing to the remaining ship] Uh-oh. I'm sorry. Was that your auntie? [the Bug turns toward J with a furious snarl] Oh. Then that must mean that-that's your uncle, then, huh? [points at another cockroach at his feet before squashing it] You know, you all look alike. [Enraged, the Bug descends to the ground and approaches him] Well, well. Big bad bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh? [squishes another cockroach; the Bug snarls in anger] See, what I can't understand is why you gotta come down bringing all this ruckus! Snatching up galaxies and everything. [Laurel watches as the Bug moves closer to Agent J] My attitude is don't start nothing, won't be nothing! [crushes two more cockroaches as the Bug walks right up to him, seething with anger] You need to ease up out of my face before something bad happens to you. [K loads his gun within the Bug's stomach] Too late.

[K shoots, blowing the Bug in half and freeing himself. J picks up the galaxy. K calls headquarters.]

Agent K:
Zed, call the Arquillians, tell them we have the galaxy.

Zed:
You got it, friend.

[K hangs up.]

Agent J:
Gonna get your gun back, huh?

Agent K:
I like this gun.

Agent J:
Yeah, well, while you were in there playing around, I was down here doing all the work.

Men in Black  Movie Quote

added 5 years ago

[After K's retirement, Dr. Weaver has joined MIB as J's new partner, Agent L]

Agent L:
Hey, J! Zed called. The High Councilor from Solaxian 9 wants floor seats for the Knicks–Bulls game.

Agent J:
All right, let's put in a call to Dennis Rodman. He's from that planet.

Agent L:
Rodman? You're kidding.

Agent J:
Nope.

Agent L:
Not much of a disguise.

Men in Black  Movie Quote

added 5 years ago

Frank:
[singing "I Will Survive"] "... and I learned to get along, and so you're back from outer space, I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face, I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key, if I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me, go on, now go, walk out the door..."

Agent J:
Frank! Bring your head in this window before before I roll it up in there.

Frank:
[Sits further away from the window] Got it! [Starts humming the melody, looking anxiously out the window]

Agent J:
FRANK!

Men in Black II  Movie Quote

added 5 years ago

MIB Customs Agent:
Any fruit or vegetables?

Serleena:
[motioning towards Scrad] Yeah, two heads of cabbage.

Men in Black II  Movie Quote

added 5 years ago

Zed:
How'd it go?

Agent M:
The door-locks are gone and the treaty is signed.

Zed:
Good work.

Agent M:
Zed? What about that position you promised me in Men In Black?

Zed:
Still working on the Alien Affirmative Action Program, I'll keep you posted.

Agent M:
Wait a minute, that's not what you promised me!

Zed:
You're– you're breaking up!

Agent M:
Zed? Hello? I can be Agent M!

Men in Black II  Movie Quote

added 5 years ago

Agent J:
Wait, what are you doing?

Agent K:
I always did the driving.

Agent J:
Oh, no.

Agent K:
I remember that.

Agent J:
No, what you remember is that you used to drive that old busted jawn. See, I drive... the new hotness. [points at Kay] Old and busted. [points at himself] New hotness. [K looks at J for a second, then J hands the keys over] Old, busted hotness.

Men in Black II  Movie Quote

added 5 years ago

[about the driver-shaped airbag]

Agent K:
Does that come standard?

Agent J:
Actually it came with a black dude, but he kept getting pulled over.

(Note:
Will Smith improvised this line, which the producers liked so much they added it to the theatrical trailer)

Men in Black II  Movie Quote

added 5 years ago

Agent J:
[J is hiding Laura at the Worms' place] Here's my communicator. You'll be safe here.

Worms:
[Laura kisses Jay] Whooooh!

Agent J:
Uh... just... watch out for Neeble.

Laura:
Which one's Neeble?

Agent J:
Um... err... which one o' y'all's Neeble?

Neeble:
Yo, mama! I'm Neeble.

Agent J:
Ah, there ya go. And... uh... don't fall asleep.

[Jay exits]

Worms:
Twister!

Men in Black II  Movie Quote

added 5 years ago

[after K turned on the auto pilot during the chase...]

Agent K:
It is not automatic piloting.

Agent J:
He doesn't work when we're in hyperspeed.

Agent K:
I could really use a steering wheel!

Agent J:
We don't have no damn steering wheel! This is what we got! [turns off auto pilot] Didn't your mother give you a Gameboy?

Agent K:
WHAT is a Gameboy?!

Men in Black II  Movie Quote

added 5 years ago

Agent K:
When you get sad it, always seems to rain.

Laura:
Lots of people get sad when it rains.

Agent K:
It rains because you're sad, baby.

Men in Black II  Movie Quote

added 5 years ago

Laura:
It's not fair.

Agent J:
[Sad smile] Never is.

Men in Black II  Movie Quote

added 5 years ago

Agent J:
So Laura is Princess Laurana's daughter. [turns to K] Did y'all...?

Agent K:
MIB's a mess. Let's go.

Men in Black II  Movie Quote

added 5 years ago

(last lines)

Agent J:
Kay, we gotta take them out. Show them there's more life than that locker.

Agent K:
[sighs] Still a rookie. *opens a door, showing that humans live in a locker and there are many more giant aliens outside the door*

Frank:
Whoa.

Men in Black II  Movie Quote

added 5 years ago

Kevin Brown / K:
You're standing between me and my memories, pal. Now you have this deneuralyzer thing or not?

Jeebs:
Mmm, no. Fresh out. [J and K stare at him, clearly not believing a word Jeebs is saying] Can't help you. [They continue staring] Don't got it... [J and K continue to stare. Jeebs cracks] Even if I did... If it doesn't work, K dies, you blow my head off! If it does work, I brought back K who, just for the fun of it, blows my head off! Sooo, what's MY incentive? [J points his gun at Jeebs' head] [weak laugh] Okay, homey, I keep it right downstairs next to the snowblower.

[K smiles, satisfied]

Men in Black II  Movie Quote

added 5 years ago

Serleena:
[holding Ben Zarthan disguised as a pizzeria owner hostage] Two slices of pepperoni, and any information you might have about the light of Zartha.

Ben:
Please, Whoever You Are Don't Hurt Me;

Serleena:
WHERE'S the light, Ben?

Ben:
I don't know what you're talking about. Please let me down, ma'am!

[A noise goes off in the kitchen. Serleena uses her head to direct Scrad and Charlie towards it.]

Serleena:
There. Noise. Kitchen!

Scrad:
Oh!

[walks into the kitchen]

Serleena:
You idiots see anything?

Scrad:
Wind blew the door open.

[Charlie comes out of his backpack]

Charlie:
Nothin' out of the ordinary!

Serleena:
[To Ben] For 25 years, I've been traveling the universe, looking for it. But it never left Earth, did it Ben? You kept it here!

Ben:
What are you talking about?

Serleena:
I'm running out of time! Where's the light of Zartha?

Ben:
I swear, I don't know what you're–

Serleena:
Listen Zarthan, you know where the light is, and I will find it. Once we have the light, Zartha will be ours.

Ben:
[alien voice] You're too late. Tomorrow at midnight, the light will leave the third planet and be back home. Sorry you made the trip for nothing.

[Serleena growls, her finger becomes one of her tentacles, whips Ben with it, his insides vaporize, and only his skin falls to the floor. Scrad and Charlie look down at it.]

Charlie:
Got nothing out of him! Now we don't know if it's here or not!

Serleena:
He said "third planet." It's here, you idiot.

Scrad:
[whispering] 3rd Rock From The Sun.

Charlie:
I never got that until now!

Serleena:
It's on Earth, and I know who's gonna tell me where it is.

Men in Black II  Movie Quote

added 5 years ago

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