Bottom

[Facing imminent death]

Eddie:
You know, I think I might come back as a bra.

Richie:
What?

Eddie:
Well, all us Buddhists believe in reincarnation.

Richie:
When did you become a Buddhist?

Eddie:
About 5 seconds ago. And may I say it has completely changed my life!

Richie:
But you can't come back as a bra! That's just stupid! You have to come back as something organic.

Eddie:
All right, all right, I'm only a beginner you know! Errr... all right then, I'll come back as... ah! Claudia Schiffer! She's seriously organic!

Richie:
[on various occasions seducing women, well, trying anyway] May I say, what a SMASHING blouse you have on?

Eddie:
That's it! I'm going to write to my M.P.

Richie:
Why?

Eddie:
Because I love her!

Richie:
[emphatically] Eddie! Tony Blair is a man!

Eddie:
I don't think they were lesbians, Richie, 'cause they got off with those other blokes. Those, er, handsomer, wittier, erm... well basically those two guys who didn't have a load of toilet paper stuffed down their trousers.

Richie:
Yeah, well you hardly helped, did you? Stuffing a Vimto bottle down the front of your pants and shouting "Woohoo, looking for the Eiffel Tower girls?"

Eddie:
This is a sex shop isn't it?

Shop Assistant:
Yes.

Eddie:
[slaps money down]I'll have five quid's worth then!

Shop Assistant:
Very droll sir, I've never heard that one before.

Eddie:
Haven't you? Shall I tell it again?

Shop Assistant:
No thank you sir, I'd rather have a pineapple inserted violently into my rectum.

Eddie:
You've been working here too long mate.

Eddie:
[reads letter] What's this? Annual membership to "Barbarella's Aerobic Fitness Centre"?

Richie:
Nothing to do with me.

Eddie:
It's got "Richard Richard" written on it.

Richie:
Ah. Er...

Eddie:
[reads] "Leotard"?

Richie:
Well, er, Eddie, none of us are getting any younger. I just pop along every Wednesday afternoon and firm up.

Eddie:
What, you stand at the back of a room full of girls jiggling their bottoms up and down and "firm up"?

[both watching a rented video]

Richie:
It's not very sexy, is it?

Eddie:
No. I must say, I expected a lot more from "The Furry Honeypot Adventure".

Richie:
I think this is for kids you know Eddie. I think those Hussein brothers saw you coming again. Well, what else did you get?

Eddie:
"Big Jugs" [laughs]

Richie:
"Big Jugs"! All right! [reads box] "A history of pottery in the nineteenth century." Anything else?

Eddie:
Well this one's a sure-fire hit. Look. "Swedish Lesbians in Blackcurrant Jam".

Richie:
Yabba-dabba-doo! [reads] No Eddie, it's "Swedish Legends in Blackcurrant Jam Making."

Eddie:
Aw, come on, it's got to be dirty, it says "Swedish"!

Eddie:
What was your Red Indian name then? "Running Mouth"? "Sitting Down"? "Talking Bollocks"?

Richie:
"Dances With The Wind".

Eddie:
That'll be the curry again.

Richie:
Well it wasn't my fault I got so terribly ill I had to order you to cancel your birthday party.

Eddie:
You weren't ill, you just ate a tin of curry powder and painted your face green. I knew it was a hoax because the paint washed off when that enema backfired.

[Richie's date repeatedly knocks on the door]

Richie:
All right, all right! Take it easy you b*tch! [pause] I mean, Your Bitchness... I mean Lady B*tch of, oh God Eddie, what do you call them?

Eddie:
Jugs, what do you call them?

Richie:
Haven't you got through to the Pope yet?

Dave Hedgehog:
[looking at telephone directory] "Pope, G."

Richie:
What do you mean, "Pope, G."? He's not Pope Gavin is he? He's Pope John Paul. Look under "Pope, J.P."!

Dave Hedgehog:
J.P. Oh, here he is: "Pope, J.P." I didn't know he lived in Twickenham.

Richie:
What did we do? What did we do?

Eddie:
Well it's your fault for touching up the burly Ferris wheel attendant.

Richie:
I thought she was a girl.

Eddie:
They were pectorals you fool!

Richie:
Well she had an earring.

Eddie:
Yeah, through HER foreskin.

Richie:
Yes, which I found out later much to my distress!

Pawnbroker:
Oh, there's a nice little piece of object d'art! Must be worth at least two an' a half grand... I'll give yer ?1.50 for it!

Eddie:
Uhh... let's haggle.

Pawnbroker:
OK, a quid.

Eddie:
No, let's haggle upwards.

Pawnbroker:
OK, 50p!

Eddie:
God, they don't call you Harry The Bastard for nothing, do they?

Pawnbroker:
No. They call me Ted.

[Eddie and Richie are about to attempt to do push ups]

Richie:
Okay. Une, Due, trois and Achtungh!

[pause as they are still lying face down on the floor]

Richie:
How's it going?

Eddie:
Like a dream mate.

Richie:
You mean the kind of dream where you can't do push ups?

Eddie:
That's the one.

Richie:
Let's just be economical with the truth, errrm, something, buck, yeah hot young buck.

Eddie:
What about badger?

Richie:
No, no I'm more a sort of...

Eddie:
HEDGHOG!

Richie:
No fox! That's good, no that is good.

Eddie:
Stoat!

Richie:
Foxy Stoat? Yeah! It's gotta a ring to it... foxy stoat seeks...

Eddie:
Pig!

Richie:
Foxy Stoat Seeks Pig! Oh Shut up Eddie!

[Eddie dressed up as Death]

Eddie:
All right then mortal. I can see you're eager to keep your life. How's about I offer you a straight deal?

Richie:
A deal? Sure. No problem. Great.

Eddie:
How much money have ya got in the house?

Richie:
Oh, none.

Eddie:
What about the three hundred pounds on top of the bathroom cabinet?

Richie:
How do you know about that?

Eddie:
God, I keep telling you mate. I'm Death, I know everything.

Richie:
Everything? What, even about the... .?

Eddie:
Especially that you naughty boy.

Richie:
All right. I'll get the money, just don't tell anybody. You wait right here.

Woman:
Which one of you is Mr Hitler

Eddie:
That would be me.

Women:
Ooh, any relation?

Eddie:
Well... I've got a mother.

Women:
No, no, I meant to Adolf Hitler.

Eddie:
Yes that's her.

[Richie is carrying the turkey to the table on a tray]

Richie:
Cor what a magnificent bird

Eddie, Spudgun, Dave:
Where?

Richie:
Ew, I nearly kissed you on the knob then.

Eddie:
I'd rather cut off my penis with a rusty bread knife.

Richie:
Well yes, I can see your point.

Eddie:
It's this new skirt, it racks up very easily.

Richie:
I've done it mentally. Boy, have I done it mentally. Look at that bicep! You're bloody lucky I didn't hit you with that one, mate!

Eddie:
My Great-Uncle Percy was in the trenches of the first world war. You know what he used to say?

Richie:
What?

Eddie:
AAH! BLOODY HELL! GERMANS! THOUSANDS OF 'EM! AAAH!

Richie:
I've got an excellent idea!

Eddie:
What is it?

Richie:
PANIC! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Eddie:
That, my friend, is Welsh money.

Richie:
They don't have any Welsh money!

Spudgun:
No wonder they all vote Labour.

Eddie:
Bloody Nora! Neil Kinnock's grandparents were homosexual Martians! He's kept quiet about that, hasn't he?

Richie:
Mhmmmm

Eddie:
Lucky I read that, I was going to vote Labour.

Richie:
You know mate, if we ever get through to the other side of this one, if we ever get back to Blighty, I'm really gonna change the way I live... find a piece of land, find a beautiful woman, hell, maybe even raise a few kids

Eddie:
Aaaah quit dream'n skip, we're never going to pull through to the other side of this one

Richie:
No you've got to dreeeeam Eddie. You've got to hold on to the dreeeeeam!

Eddie:
Can I ask you a question?

Richie:
Shoot from the hip Eddie, that's always been your style.

Eddie:
WHY ARE WE TALKING SUCH COMPLETE AND UTTER BOLLOCKS? [proceeds to beat Richie]

Richie:
We're really the guuuys aren't we?

Richie:
So Spudgun, tell me about this road sign - sounds great.

Richie:
So Spudgun... why do they call you Spudgun?

Spudgun:
Well, gimme a potato and I'll show you why.

Eddie:
No, Richie. You don't want to see that.

Richie:
Oh, well, why do they call you Hedgehog?

Dave Hedgehog:
Gimme a hedgehog and I'll show you why.

Richie:
[being forced to pay off Skullcrusher, an irate forger] Is there some sort of problem, officer?

'Skullcrusher' Henderson:
I can't take this money. It's been forged!

Eddie:
No it's not!

'Skullcrusher' Henderson:
Yes it is! I'm the one who forged it! [holds up a note and points to where the Queen's face should be] Look, that ain't the Queen, it's Danny LaRue!

Eddie:
Well, it's A queen!

[Richie is trying to get pity from his aunt]

Richie:
Quick, sprinkle a bit of water all over the place so it looks like we've been crying a lot.

[the boys believe they've just killed the meter reader]

Eddie:
Hey! Maybe he's not dead. Maybe he's just stunned! Why don't you give him the Kiss of Life?

Richie:
Yeah! [pause, disgusted look] No I will NOT! You sad pervy! We've got a dead body in the house and your first idea is to sexually assault it!

[Richie tries to impress his date, Lady Natasha Letitia Sarah Jane Wellesley Obstromsky Ponsonsky Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Ovlomov Boblomov Dob, third viscountess of Moldavia]

Richie:
What was it Shakespeare used to say?

Eddie:
[dressed as a butler] Um..."Hello, my dear. I'm a playwriter, you know. Come on, give us a snog".

Richie:
No, Eddie!

Eddie:
Um..."Where's my quill? Bloody Hell, I bought five yesterday! Where do they all go?"

Richie:
[laughing nervously] No, really! What was it he used to say?

Eddie:
"What do you mean, it's crap? There's eight bodies at the end, and he gets to shag his Mum!"

[Richie punches Eddie in the groin]

[Drunken man enters the bar, singing, he trips, and falls down]

Richie:
That's Tight-mouthed Larry, the bookmaker!

[Larry is heard vomiting on the floor]

Eddie:
He's not very tight-mouthed today, is he?

Eddie:
So, er, what did you do then?

Falklands War Vet:
Well, I'd rather not talk about it.

Eddie:
Why? Is it embarrassing? Sh*t your pants, did you? Cry, did you?

Falklands War Vet:
Quite the opposite, actually.

Eddie:
What, you sucked water in through your eyes?

[Eddie and Richie are watching the Carnival parade from their window]

Richie:
Oh, I love carnival time! Look at that policeman over there!

Eddie:
Which one?

Richie:
The one jumping up and down, waving his arms.

Eddie:
The one that's on fire?

Richie:
Yeah!

Eddie:
Now well, he's got no one to blame but himself, it was him who started it all by appealing for calm!

Richie:
Is it? [to policeman] Provocative bastard!

[Eddie and Richie are watching the Carnival parade from their window]

Richie:
Did you see the floats?

Eddie:
I thought I flushed it!

[Eddie and Richie are pretending to be a newly-wed couple, Eddie dressed as the woman]

Eddie:
These saucy honeymoon undies are a bit on the cutting severe side.

Richie:
Don't you worry, Eddie, you could always take 'em off later. Or maybe I'll rip 'em off with my bare teeth - [to himself] oh no, it's not a girl, it's Eddie, it's Eddie! It's not a girl, it's Eddie, it's not a girl, it's Eddie! Oh God, I hope I don't get drunk!

[Richie is making a list for the holidays]

Richie:
What else do we need for the beach?

Eddie:
Um, tetanus jabs?

Richie:
Ooh yes! Better make an appointment to see doctor Wildthroat for a booster.

Eddie:
He's not a Doctor of Medicine, you know.

Richie:
Well, I know, yes, but he's cheap!

Eddie:
Gave you rabies last year!

Richie:
But it only cost three quid! Come on, Eddie, beggars can't be choosers!

Eddie:
No, but they can froth at the mouth and eat the furniture!

Richie:
[making a list for things to take on holiday] Ooh, condoms!

Eddie:
Well, we can take last year's, can't we?

Richie:
But have we got any left?

Eddie:
Yeah. All of 'em!

Richie:
Thank God for that! I hate going to the chemist's! Keep thinking my Mum will find out. I mean, buying johnnies is just a constant embarrassment!

Eddie:
What do you mean, you've only done it once! That was back in 1977!

Richie:
Hey, hey, it's a bloody convincing performance, though! That shop assistant could've sworn I was French!

Eddie:
Yeah, maybe that's why you came out with 50 tubes of pile cream as well!

Richie:
Yes, well, maybe my mime was a little indistinctive, yes, but you know, I mean, it was worth the daytrip to Birmingham just to find a chemist who didn't know us, you know! I mean, it might have been a long way round just to buy a threepack of johnnies we never use, but I'll tell you what: there's been no piles in this house since 1977!

Eddie:
[answering the door] Hello.

Mormon:
Hello. Have you ever thought what a beautiful place the Earth is?

Eddie:
Yes, I have. Thank you! [knocks the man off the stairs] Charming man.

Eddie:
I got a free police baton.

Richie:
Whoo, interesting! Let's have a look!

Eddie:
Yeah, well, I can't quite lay my hands on it at the moment [points towards his bottom] .

Richie:
Nasty!

Eddie:
Yeah, it's one of those new long ones as well. With the side handle. It's playing Merry Hell with my liver.

Eddie:
[to Richie] How's your sausage?

Richie:
[looking surprised] 's A bit personal, isn't it? Oh, I see, you mean my *sausage*! [points at frying pan]

Eddie:
Yes?

Richie:
You're asking me about my sausage?

Eddie:
Sausage, yes?

Richie:
Not my penis?

Eddie:
[astonished] No!

Richie:
Oh, thank heavens for that! Well, what can I tell you, Eddie, it's an absolute disaster! I just can't get the hang of this cooking lark! I mean, you put the sausage in the pan, you set it on fire, and what happens? It gets incinerated!

Eddie:
Well, maybe we should eat our flakes?

[Richie looks disgusted]

[Eddie holds up a box of cornflakes]

Richie:
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I see what you mean, yes! I think I'm getting "double entendre disease"!

Eddie:
Can I drink your juice?

Richie:
[looking revolted, then realizing] Oh! Oh, yes! Yes, of course, go ahead! I think I'm going mad this morning!

[knocking on the front door]

Eddie:
Someone's giving our knocker a damn good banging! I'd better go see who it is!

Richie:
Righty 'o! I'll grab a hold of my sausage and give it a good seeing-to!

Richie:
Have you hollowed out your pumpkins?

Eddie:
I BEG YOUR PARDON? Oh, oh, you mean the vegetable?

[Eddie has made an exploding carrot]

Richie:
Bloo-dy bril-jant, Eddie! Yeah! Hey, got any more?

Eddie:
Mais oui, mon brave!

Richie:
What?

Eddie:
Certainement, mon general!

Richie:
Oh Christ, he's gone all Welsh on me again!

Richie:
Well, I just got to finish my sprouts Mexicain, and we're all set!

Eddie:
Sprouts Mexicain?

Richie:
[gloating] Sprouts Mexicain!

Eddie:
What's that?

Richie:
Well, it's a... sprouts, pinch of chili powder, jar of curry powder, hint of tabasco sauce - well, three bottles, actually. Not so much a hint, more a party political broadcast. And the secret ingredient: gun powder!

Eddie:
*Sprouts*?

Richie:
Yeah! They were left over from last Christmas!

[taps his bottom]

Richie:
Ta ta-ta-ta ta-ta!

Eddie:
But it's October!

Richie:
Yes, yes, I know, they were a bit... frisky. But the spices'll cover up any embarassment!

[Oven explodes]

Richie:
Hey, they must be ready!

[Eddie has made some home-brewed liquor in his bathtub]

Dave Hedgehog, Spudgun:
Hello, Eddie.

Eddie:
Hi, boys! Well, this is the Devil's brew! You didn't bring any led tankers with you, did you? All the cups keep dissolving.

Dave Hedgehog, Spudgun:
No.

Eddie:
Well, we'll have to use the pans, then. Here you go, help yourself!

[he hands them pans, they fill them]

Eddie:
Hmmm, cheers!

Dave Hedgehog, Spudgun:
Cheers!

[they all take a sip, which doesn't go down lightly]

Spudgun:
Oooh! Cheeky little number!

Eddie:
That's it. It has a certain robustness that demands attention!

Dave Hedgehog:
Possibly medical.

Eddie:
[to God, who has just saved them from imminent death] Nice. Very nice. Nice beard too.

Richie:
[indicating the posh nosh he has bought to impress his expensive date] I had to sell a kidney to buy this lot.

Eddie:
Well, they didn't want mine.

Richie:
Well, they're not much good pickled are they! Mind you, Sarsons showed some interest.

Natasha:
This is a very sexy room, I bet you've been naughty in here a few times.

Richie:
Oh you're not wrong there. You name it - swearing, doodling on the walls. I've flicked the 'v's out of that window more times than I care to remember.

Natasha:
And are you going to be naughty now?

Richie:
[looking at his flies] Medically the chances are against it.

[Eddie is dressed as "The Death", which Richie doesn't know; Richie is scared as hell]

Richie:
[crying] Please, give me another chance!

Eddie:
No, I won't, if you don't leave Eddie alone.

Richie:
How did you know that we had fights?

Eddie:
I am The Death, I know *everything*!

Richie:
Uh-oh... Do you know that I have...

Eddie:
I know that too, naughty boy!

Richie:
Eddie, Eddie. What are you reading, Eddie?

Eddie:
I don't know, I'm too drunk to focus.

Richie:
Now can we just get our equipment out! I mean get our tackle out... no I mean get our GEAR out, oh god! You can't say anything without some dreadful double entendre lurking around the corner!

[sitting round campfire]

Richie:
What was that film where they ate each other?

Eddie:
'Deep Throat', wasn't it?

[In the park]

Richie:
Yes, this looks like a good spot, a natural sort of, er...

Eddie:
Shithole?

[after being flashed by a man in the park]

Richie:
You wonder why they do it, really, don't you? I mean, with something as small as that. Mine's bigger than that, and mine's tiny! [Realizing what he is saying] Ish! Tiny-ish!

[Woken up in his tent by owl-like sounds]

Richie:
Eddie, Eddie, there's someone outside, doing owl impressions!

[Hooting noise]

Richie:
Not very good ones either!

Richie:
I'm still not asleep you know. You know, I think it's this sleeping bag. It's letting in a draft.

Eddie:
[Pointing to himself not having a sleeping bag at all] Oh my heart bleeds!

Richie:
Eddie, are you carrying a torch for her?

Eddie:
[looks down] No it's just the way my trousers rubbed up

[while camping in the park]

Richie:
Come on, Eddie! We don't need birds! Besides, if we don't do it, we'll lose that bet with Mad Ken Stalin that we can live rough in the country for a week. And we haven't got fifty quid, and I'd rather hang on to my kneecaps if it's all the same with you.

Eddie:
A WEEK?

Richie:
Ah, er, yes, I... I was hoping to break that to you on a more opportune moment...

Eddie:
A BLOODY WEEK?

Richie:
Yeah, well I wasn't the one who got drunk and bet him he couldn't stick a dart in his temple! Once he'd done that, he had us over a barrel.

Eddie:
But I've only got enough underwear for tonight!

Richie:
That's all you've ever had!

Eddie:
That's true!

[while camping in the park, Richie has put up a very small tent]

Eddie:
Right, well that's the toilet tent. Where do we sleep?

Richie:
Oh, hahahahahahaha, look out everybody, I'm about to blow my trousers off in merriment at Eddie's sarcasm!

Eddie:
Well, you mean that's the whole tent?

Richie:
Eddie, this isn't just a tent. This is a World Ranger Stormbuster 4. You can go anywhere in that.

Eddie:
Yeah, and we probably will as soon as the breeze gets up.

Richie:
Hey, hey, don't knock it! You'll be glad with this when the bomb drops.

Eddie:
What? You think that's gonna withstand a twenty megaton nuclear blast?

Richie:
Well, you'll be sleeping in it tonight, so we'll find out, won't we?

Richie:
Are you sure you didn't sneak a quick peek at my underpants while I was getting into my sleeping bag?

Eddie:
Absolutely, Richie. I give you my word of honour, I didn't get even the slightest glimpse of your gaudily-stained loveblob containers.

Richie:
Listen, Eddie. I think there's something outside!

Eddie:
Yeah, well, there's bound to be something outside, Richie. You can't expect the universe and its entire contents to be contained within the confines of a small canvas tent.

Richie:
You're very philosophical for this time of night, Eddie.

Eddie:
Yeah, well, I've had half a bottle of Scotch, what'd you expect?

Richie:
Here we are! It's a natural sort of...

Eddie:
Shithole.

Richie:
[talking about the Wombles] Eddie would it mentally scar you if I told you there were just puppets?

Eddie:
Yes it would actually.

Richie:
Good [evil grin] . Eddie they were just puppets!

Eddie:
[points with the stick] Well what's that then?

Richie:
[yells] That Eddie, is a hedgehog.

Richie:
No it's not! That is Great Uncle Bulgaria.

Richie:
Well the series has taken a sad turn for the worst then because he's running about in the nude.

Eddie:
[perverted grin] Cor! The wombles have got x-rated!

Richie:
What was your name again?

Spudgun:
Spudgun.

Richie:
Spudgun. Why do they call you 'Spudgun'?

Spudgun:
Well, give me a potato and I show you why.

Eddie:
No, Richie! You dont want to see that.

Richie:
Well, why do they call you 'Hedgehog'?

Dave Hedgehog:
Give me a hedgehog and I show you why.

Richie:
[on Richie's birthday] Rather a bumper crop of cards this year! Popular guy, you see, Eddie. [sarcastically] Let's see, how many cards did you get for your birthday? Oh no, no, of course, how thoughtless of me, 'cause you didn't get any, did you?

Eddie:
Only because you glued up the letterbox.

Richie:
Now that's just sour grapes, Eddie. There was absolutely no proof that it was me.

Eddie:
Well, except you couldn't get your hands out of your pockets all day. Mind you, what's new?

Richie:
[opening a birthday letter] Here's one from all the lads on the Ark Royal. Bless 'em! They never forget an old serviceman.

Eddie:
By "serviceman", I take you mean that time you got caught on board pretending to be the captain? Just to impress Ethel Cardew.

Richie:
It worked.

Eddie:
No it didn't. She got off with the arresting officer.

Richie:
Yeah, well, it worked for him. Anyway, stop trying to spoil my birthday! Look, it says here: "Best wishes from all the lads on the Ark Royal".

Eddie:
But it's in your handwriting! You've been sending it to yourself for the last seven years! [Picks up a few cards] This one's from Rod Steiger, this one's from Abba, with "Happy Christmas 1973" written inside it, and this one is from the People of the Soviet Union, "In grateful thanks to comrade Richie"!

Richie:
[pauses] It's in Russian.

Eddie:
You just put the 'R's the wrong way around!

Richie:
This is all because I accidentally ruined your birthday last year, isn't it? Well it wasn't my fault I got so terribly ill I had to order you to cancel your birthday party!

Eddie:
You weren't ill. You just ate a tin of curry powder and painted your face green. I knew it was a hoax, because the paint washed off when that enema backfired.

Eddie:
I'm sorry.

Richie:
Are you?

Eddie:
Yes.

Richie:
Well, write it down then.

Eddie:
What?

Richie:
Go on! There's a pen. Write down "I'm sorry". Write down "I'm sorry I'm a twat"! Write down "I'm sorry I'm a twat", ten times! I shall wait for you by the television until you are ready.

[Richie leaves]

Eddie:
[Writing] "I'm sorry I'm a twat, ten times".

Richie:
[Reading a piecie of paper, given to him by Eddie as a birthday present] "Madame Swish, 3:30". Oh Eddie, you haven't! Oh, what a pal you are! Madame Swish! Ooh! Aah! God, at last, I'm really gonna do it! And on my birthday as well! [Sniffs paper] Ooh! I wonder what she's like!

Eddie:
She's a dead Cert, mate. A real stayer.

Richie:
Really?

Eddie:
Yeah, she'll come first.

Richie:
What, before me? Good grief, that's quick! So she'll think I'm great! Oh what a pal you are! And it's all paid for?

Eddie:
Um, not exactly, I'll need a tenner.

Richie:
A tenner? Right. That's quite cheap, isn't it?

Eddie:
Um, well, no. In that case, it's a tenner each way.

Richie:
[Surprised] Well, how many ways are there?

Eddie:
Well, you'll come first, second, or third, won't you?

Richie:
[Aghast] Well, how many people are gonna be there?

Eddie:
Well, a few thousand.

Richie:
[Yells] What?

Eddie:
Well, it's Kempton!

Richie:
Kempton? I can't get down to Kempton by 3:30!

Eddie:
You don't have to, mate! It'll be on the telly!

Richie:
[Terrified] They're gonna televise it? What if my auntie's watching?

Eddie:
Well, what's illegal about betting on a horse?

Eddie:
[shouting] A horse?

Eddie:
Yeah!

Richie:
[shouting] Madame Swish is... is a horse?

Eddie:
Yeah! Well, what d'you think it was?

Richie:
[Disappointed] Oh no, nothing, nothing. I was just checking.

Eddie:
I have given you a red hot tip!

Richie:
[shouting] I know, and there's nothing I can do about it now, is there?

Richie:
Well, it's a simple equation: I haven't got any friends, so I'm gonna kill myself. Eddie, go upstairs and get the razorblades.

Eddie:
Right you are, old mate. What d'you want, safety or non-safety?

Spudgun:
What did Medieval people do before telly?

Dave Hedgehog:
Oh, they probably had their tea, didn't they?

Eddie:
No, before telly was invented.

Dave Hedgehog:
Oh, they had cockfights.

Spudgun:
No wonder they all got the plague.

Richie:
[Richie just broke his leg] You'll have to carry me to the toilet. Aaaah, you'll see my knob!

[about to surrender to the burglars]

Richie:
No no, they might beat us up.

Eddie:
What and cut our bodies into a thousand different pieces?

Richie:
And skin us alive.

Eddie:
And then... put on our skins.

Richie:
And do foul depraved love-making to our still twitching corpses.

Eddie:
And eat our livers.

Richie:
And drink our blood! And play cricket with our hearts!

Eddie:
Yeah... using our love truncheons as wickets!

Richie:
And then do weird sort of pagan dancing flapping our skins about the room, and smearing naked girlies' breasts with our throbbing disintegrating brains!

Eddie:
[pause] It's not much of an option really, is it?

Eddie:
Still, at least we got the duck.

Richie:
The duck?

Eddie:
Yeah. It's made out of plastic!

Richie:
Eddie, what in the name of Greek buggery, is the use of a plastic duck?

Eddie:
It floats in the bath.

[Wobbles with the duck]

Eddie:
Hello?

Richie:
[Deep sigh] But why?

Eddie:
It's hollow.

Richie:
[Starting to loose patience] Why the duck?

Eddie:
It came free with the telly.

Richie:
[Almost going mad] Eddie, everything came free with the telly, we were looting! Why not get a free telly with the telly?

Eddie:
Well, it'd sink in the bath!

[Eddie's stack of Malibu has been stolen]

Eddie:
[shouts] We've been burgled!

Richie:
Well, you may have been, young man, but I have never in my life! As a Christian, I am so tightly clenched - oh, oh, *burgled*!

[Eddie and Richie are watching the riots fom their window]

Richie:
Some people are short-tempered, aren't they?

Eddie:
Yeah. well, about four or five thousand of 'em, by the looks of things.

Richie:
Yeah. But it's wonderful, though, Eddie. I mean, look. All the local communities are out there, on the streets.

Eddie:
Beating the sh*t out of each other.

Richie:
Yeah! Oh, I love carnival time. Oh, look at that policeman over there!

Eddie:
Which one?

Richie:
The one jumping up and down, waving his arms.

Eddie:
The one that's on fire?

Richie:
Yeah!

Eddie:
Now, well, he's got no one to blame but himself. It was him who started it all by appealing for calm.

Richie:
Was it? [To policeman] Provocative bastard!

Eddie:
I mean, what's the point in having a carnival if you can't get your shopping done?

Richie:
Did you see the floats?

Eddie:
I thought I'd flushed it.

[Eddie and Richie are watching the riots from their window]

Richie:
Oh look! Here come the Nazis. Hurrah! That should get things going again!

[There is a sound of broken glass]

Eddie:
They're going into 'The Lamb & Flag'. Oh yeah, thought so. Dick's throwing them out now. Oh no, the police are throwing them back in! [Sound of breaking glass] Now that's just stupid! That's mindless! That's anti-social, that is!

Richie:
What?

Eddie:
Throwing those bottles about like that!

Richie:
No, no, Eddie, they're emptied.

Eddie:
Oh! Oh, that's allright, then. [To the Nazis] You go stucking, mate! Have one on me! [He gets a bottle thrown at his head]

Richie:
Now that'll teach you, Eddie. You should stay out of politics. Oh, look! There's Father O'Malley!

[They both make a cross, then two gunshots sound]

Eddie:
[To father] Nice shooting, father! [To Richie] Blimey, he's had a few, hasn't he?

Richie:
Yeah. I think he should put his clothes back on.

Eddie:
Yeah. Mind you, I think his Dadness' thrown off the Nazi league.

Richie:
What? Are they gone? Aw!

Eddie:
[Looking through the window] You know, these must be the best seats for the annual Hammersmith riots.

Richie:
I know, I know. They are bloody marvellous, aren't they?

[There is a big explosion in front of Eddie and Richie, to which they cheer and applaud]

Richie:
Well done!

Eddie:
Madness! Best part of the show so far!

Richie:
Encore!

Eddie:
That was Fatty Amal's kebab shop.

Richie:
Yeah. It was Fatty who threw the petrol bomb.

Eddie:
Yeah. I saw him take out the insurance only yesterday. Same every year.

Richie:
Yeah. Well, it'll be drinks on him again tonight.

Eddie:
[Sirens sound] Oh, look. Here comes the fire brigade.

Richie:
[Sounds of a car braking] Fatty's stopped them...

Eddie:
... he's having a word...

Richie:
... and money's changing hands...

Eddie:
[Sirens sound again] ... and they're off again.

Richie:
He must be going for the full rebuild again this year.

[Eddie and Richie are watching burning buildings from their window]

Eddie:
You know, that's what I love about this country, Richie. Tradition.

Richie:
Yeah, yeah.

Eddie:
I mean, in the olden days, we used to let the Germans do this sort of thing for us.

Richie:
I know, I know. It's shocking, isn't it? I mean, us Brits are so much better at it, aren't we? I mean, look at that! Half of London is alight! That's British craftmanship, that is!

[There is music playing from the streets]

Eddie:
Aw, look! There's the primary school Postman Pat float.

Richie:
[Adored] Aha.

Eddie:
[Adored] They make a little van and everything!

Richie:
Aha! Oh, look, look, they're ram-rading the off-licence! [Sound of braking glass] Aw! Bless 'em. they're too young to know, aren't they?

Eddie:
What?

Richie:
Well, that you've done it already.

Eddie:
Yep! Well, you have to get up early in the morning to beat uncle Eddie [looks at a stack of boxes filled with Malibu] .

Richie:
Well, it's as I always say, Eddie. The carnival is a marvellous business opportunity.

Eddie:
Would you like me to toast your marshmellows?

[Richie looks at him in disgust]

[Eddie holds up two marshmellows]

Richie:
Oh, I see what you mean. Yes, marvellous, Eddie, get on with it, yes, yes, yes. Right, now, I think we should just wait for the window of Curry's to blow, and then we'll pop out and do ourselves a bit of shopping. There's a 28-inch surround sound TV with Fasttext, FST, Nicam and loads of other bullocks that nobody understands, that I have me eye on for a couple of months now.

Eddie:
[Pulls back two black marshmellows from the fire] Bit overdone.

Richie:
Right. Shopping list, shopping list. I'll go grab hold of my ballpoint. [Both laughing]

Eddie:
[Glass breaks] Oh no, Richie! No time for crap double entendres. Curry's window's just blown. They've just thrown Aswad through it!

Richie:
Have they? Right. Banzai, baby! Bankrobbers on and let's go shopping!

Richie:
Oh, I'd forgotten about that! Hey Eddie, look at this! [reaches inside his pants, gives a big yank, and gasps] Wrong one! Take a look at this! [tries again, and pulls a videocamera out of his pants] Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-taaah! What do you think?

Eddie:
How did you get all that in your trousers?

Richie:
Well, there's plenty of room in my trousers. Sadly.

Eddie:
Where did you get it from?

Richie:
Well, I found it in the back of a BBC van. I mean, it was just lying there, so I thought, I'll take it. I mean, I pay my licence fee.

Eddie:
No, you don't.

Richie:
No, but they don't know that.

Richie:
Eddie, I think we may have found our *milieu*.

Eddie:
Shall I get a mop and a bucket?

Richie:
I think you may have something there, Eddie.

Eddie:
Yeah, I think it's syphilis.

Richie:
Gimme five, Eddie!

[Eddie punches Richie five times in the face]

[Eddie and Richie are watching a secret video of the prime minister and a woman, thinking it's him with his mother]

Eddie:
He's obviously got a very high fever.

Richie:
Yeah.

Eddie:
And that's why she sucking the poison out of him.

[They both move closer to the TV]

Richie:
I wish I had a mum like that.

[They both have a painful expression]

Eddie:
[To TV] Yeah, that's right! Thrash the fever out of him!

Richie:
He's saying something, Eddie. What's he saying? Turn the sound up!

Eddie:
[Turns the volume button] Oh no, I think it's mute.

Richie:
Well, you can lip-read. What's he saying?

Eddie:
Er... "Oh, yes! Ooooh, yes! Oh, yeeeees! Ooooh, yeeeees! Oh, oh, oh, yeeeeeees! OH, YEEEEES! OH YEEEHEEEHEEES! Aaaaaah!"

Richie:
Ah, he's, he's calmed down a bit now.

Eddie:
Hang on, who's she?

Richie:
That must be his... his aunty. [surprised expression] She's very friendly, isn't she?

Eddie:
I think they must be sisters.

Richie:
Yeah, that'll be it. [to TV] NO, DON'T SIT THERE!

Eddie:
She can't have seen him!

Richie:
He'll suffocate!

Eddie:
I can't think that that's hygenic!

[Tasting five years old yoghurt]

Eddie:
It doesn't taste like banana and peach...

[doing Crossword puzzle]

Eddie:
Err right. "Ironmonger", six letters. Oh, got it! "Harold".

Richie:
"Harold"?

Eddie:
Yeah, well he's an ironmonger, isn't he? Harold the Ironmonger, remember? We ate his dog!

Richie:
Oh right, we bloody won that bet, didn't we?

Eddie:
No we didn't, that's why we had to eat his dog.

Richie:
[about chess] And they let children play this, you say? I mean, it's pretty strong stuff, isn't it Eddie? You know, knights TAKING prawns, and apparently if a prawn "goes all the way" he turns into a queen!

Richie:
What about pin the tail on the donkey?

Eddie:
We haven't got a donkey.

Richie:
Well er, pin the tail on the chicken.

Eddie:
We haven't got a tail.

Richie:
Well pin the sausage on the chicken.

Eddie:
We haven't got a chicken.

Richie:
Well pin the sausage on the fridge.

Eddie:
Or a pin.

Richie:
Sellotape a sausage to the fridge.

Eddie:
We haven't got a sausage.

Richie:
Put a bit of Sellotape on the fridge!

Eddie:
Not much of game, is it?

Richie:
So, you think you're good at games, do you, big boy? Well, what about a real game? A game of champions! The clash of the great big minds! The battle of the Titans!

Eddie:
You don't mean...?

Richie:
Yes!

Eddie:
...a 'See How Much Custard You Can Hold In Your Underpants' competition?

Richie:
Yeah... no! Although that's a bloody good idea. We might come on to that later, if my idea doesn't work out. But this time, I really think you ought to let the custard cool down a little bit.

Eddie:
And that handstand rule is a complete disaster.

Richie:
Apart from that, bloody good game.

Eddie:
Absolutely. Mind you, you always have a considerable advantage because your underpants are so stupendously huge.

Eddie:
Richie! I've been here since ten o' clock last night! It's now five o' clock in the morning.We've finished of the Pernod, the Ouzo, the Old Spice, even the industrial-strength floor cleaner, three liters of it! I've explained the rules of chess to you 124 times, and I'm buggered if I'm gonna let you delay the game another ten minutes while you scan through a few back issues of Amateur Photographer! OKAY?

Eddie:
[to the camera, whilst banging Richie's head between the refrigerator door] You know, it's funny. They say that television encourages violence. But I'm smashing his face in, and we haven't got one!

Richie:
All my main castles are in the north, you start off in Berkshire and end up in... Twatshire.

Lily Linneker:
Lady Natasha Letitia Sarah Jane Wellsley.

Richie:
Oo she sounds ni...

Lily Linneker:
[continuing] -Obstronsky Ponsonsky Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Oblomov Boblomov Dob, third vicountess of Moldavia.

Eddie:
Brilliant! We'll have half a dozen.

[Richie and Eddie are waiting outside Lily Linneker's Love Bureau]

Lily Linneker:
Hello, gentlemen, sorry to have kept you waiting. Which one of you is Mr. Hitler?

Eddie:
Oh, that'll be me.

Lily Linneker:
Any relation?

Eddie:
[puzzled] Well, I've got a mother.

Lily Linneker:
No, no no no, I meant Adolf Hitler.

Eddie:
Yes, that's her!

Richie:
[Richie addresses the camera very nervously in his dating introduction video] Hello... hello... er... er... lovely weather!... er... I... I can't see you obviously, but I bet you've all got smashing blouses on!

[after noticing that boys have used fake cash]

Dick Head:
Okey boys. You stop printing money and bring me 5000 pounds at night or 'scullcrusher' Henderson will have you!

[silence]

Richie:
[shocked] Oh, God! Think I'll have to go for sh*t!

Eddie:
[shocked] Me too!

Spudgun:
[nodding] Yeah...

Dave Hedgehog:
[as he looks down to his pants] I have just been!

Eddie:
I'll have a pint of mild in a half-pint glass.

Eddie:
[slyly] Nice weather we're having.

Dick Head:
[bluntly] It's raining.

Eddie:
Enough with the pleasantries... drinks all round.,

Dick Head:
Of course there's drinks all round, it's a pub!

Eddie:
They're the Queen's jugs.

Richie:
A. The Queen doesn't have jugs, she's royalty! B. If she did, she certainly wouldn't get 'em out on the back of a fiver, she'd save 'em up for the fifty!

Eddie:
If you have a look at my fifty, you may find it a bit more risque.

[Richie glances at it and winces]

Richie:
Eddie, that's tantamount to treason!... She's got three knockers!

Eddie:
No, that's Bobby Charlton in the middle.

Richie:
Are you insane? You couldn't buy these under the counter in Hamburg!

Eddie:
That's the point, mate. The barkeeper will be so mesmerised by the classy erotica, I'll have had ten pints by the time he realises how crap the squiggly lines are!

Eddie:
All for one and one for all! You go first, I've got a bad leg.

Dick Head:
So, Eddie...

Eddie:
My name is Deirdre Barlow.

Spudgun:
Mine too.

Eddie:
[pointing to Hedgehog] Him too.

Dick Head:
Well, Deirdres...

Richie:
Oh, Eddie. How do you actually drive a car?

Eddie:
Well, you get the wires under the radio, and jam them together until the engine fires up. Then you drink another can of special brew, aim at the post office and put a brick on the accelerator!

Richie:
Riiigght! Well I'm just going to use the key and see what happens.

Pierre:
Do you have a reservation?

Eddie:
Yeah. I don't think we're going to get away with this.

Richie:
Hello, Mr Gasman!

Gasman:
Hello, I'm the gasman. Can I read your meter?

Richie:
Why, hello Mr Gasman!

Eddie:
[mouthing] What?

Richie:
Hello Mr Gasman!

Gasman:
Yes hello, I was wondering...

Eddie:
[mouthing] What?

Richie:
[shouting] GASMAN! GASMAN! GASMAN!

Gasman:
Do you have someone who looks after you? Can I see them please cause I need to read your meter.

Richie:
You must! You must! You must drink our tea! It's the best tea in London! Sit down and drink it for the next 12 minutes!

Gasman:
[scared] Erm alright then. If you wouldn't mind.

Richie:
[waiting for Eddie to make the tea] Nice trousers. They remind me a story. Lasts about 10 minutes. Once there was a forest... and in the forest, lived some trousers... called Dave.

Eddie:
Here we are [handing tea out]. Three cups of... steaming cold tea. Better drink it before it gets warm.

Richie:
[laughs] This is the best tea in London. [Drinks some and retches] Are you not going to drink any of yours Eddie?

Eddie:
No, I'm watching you enjoying yours.

Richie:
But I drank mine, do your fair share, you bastard!

Mr. Rottweiler:
MY KITCHEN! IT'S ON FIRE! SOMEONE CALL THE GAS BOARD!

Mr. Rottweiler:
[Opens front door]

Gasman:
Hello, I'm from the gas board!

Mr. Rottweiller:
Look dont make me angry, Something very special has happened to me, Im in love, Its the real thing, so I don't want you two jerks coming round messing things up, Do you UNDERSTAND!, If I either see you again TONIGHT!, ILL KILL YOU!.

Mr. Rottweiller:
Look dont make me angry, somthing special has happened to me, Im in love, Its the real thing, so i dont want you two jerks coming round messing things up, Do you *understand?*, If i either see you again *tonight*, *Ill kill you!*.

Richie:
Evening Mr. Rottweiler!

Mr. Rottweiller:
What is it?

Richie:
Just a friendly visit. May we come in?

Mr. Rottweiller:
Bugger off, I've got a bird upstairs!

Richie:
But we've brought you round... half a bottle of sherry.

Eddie:
Hic!

Mr. Rottweiller:
Ta very much. Anything else?

Lolly:
[from inside] Who is it darling?

Mr. Rottweiller:
It's them bastards from next door! I won't be a tick.

Eddie:
Have you got a real woman in there?

Richie:
Cor! Can we have a look?

Mr. Rottweiller:
Sod off!

Richie:
Oh no, go on, go on, just a peek.

Eddie:
Do you mind if I get my camera?

Mr. Rottweiller:
Look, don't make me angry! Something very special's happened to me. I'm in love!, It's the real thing!, So I don't want you two jerks coming round messing things up, d'you understand? If I see either of you again tonight, I'll kill ya!

Richie:
Oh god! How long have we been up here?

Eddie:
about 7 minutes

Richie:
it feels like 8 and a half minutes

[as many things has gone bad on Christmas eve]

Richie:
Don't worry, Eddie, it's only half past eight.

Eddie:
[slowly and loud] Half past eight! And all's crap!

Richie:
You know, what we need are some girls with really big breasts.

Eddie:
You've been saying that for 20 years.

Richie:
Not for me you fool, for the baby.

Eddie:
Not sprouts, I hate sprouts.

Richie:
Will you stop whinging Eddie, nobody likes sprouts.

Eddie:
Then why are we having them then?

Richie:
Because it's Christmas.

[Richie and Eddie are in the row of suspects; Chief Inspector Grobbelaar enters]

Richard 'Richie' Richard:
[on Grobbelaar] Oh, look at that, Eddie! That must have learned how to walk *today*!

[crouches to speak to Grobbelaar]

Richard 'Richie' Richard:
What is your name, Neandertal?

Chief Inspector Grobbelaar:
I am chief inspector Grobbelaar.

Richard 'Richie' Richard:
[imitates an ape] Oof-Oof! Chief inspector Grob...

Richard 'Richie' Richard:
[suddenly stops, smiles nervously]

[Richie has been lying to a barmaid that he has been trying to pull that he is a Falklands war veteran only to discover the man next to him at the bar is one as well]

Mr N. Stiles:
You all right mate?

Richard 'Richie' Richard:
Ha, ha, oooh yees, yes, yes, hahaha. I always get like this when I meet one of the old compadres. So... sh*t... great... You were there too, were you?

Mr N. Stiles:
Yeah, I was in Two Para.

Richard 'Richie' Richard:
What, you went twice?

Mr N. Stiles:
What regiment was you in then?

Richard 'Richie' Richard:
Well the English one of course! What are you suggesting?

Mr N. Stiles:
No, what outfit was you in?

Richard 'Richie' Richard:
Well, the green patchy one most of the time. With the twigs and the bit of leaf, you know, camouflage. I mean, ah, some of the chaps had their busbies on but, hur-hur, not many of them came back. No, I just remember looking down my rifle-sights at hordes of screaming Argies, all going "Nein nein, ve surrender Tommy-schweinhund!"

Richard 'Richie' Richard:
[to an attractive new barmaid] May I say, how attractive you look in that short summer frock. It's quite lovely, isn't it? Tell me, do you use Timotei? I'm sure that, with beautiful hair like that you probably have to pop up a mountain, don't you... find a stream and dip it in and flick it about the place! Are you a page three girl? Because I'm sure if you wanted to be you could be.

[Eddie is in a sex shop talking to the assistant behind the counter]

Sex Shop Assistant:
Can I help you sir?

Eddie:
Hhhh, hhhhhhhh! This is a sex shop isn't it?

Sex Shop Assistant:
Yes.

Eddie:
[slaps money down on the counter] I'll have five quid's worth then!

Sex Shop Assistant:
Very droll, sir. I've never heard that one before.

Eddie:
Haven't you? Shall I tell it again?

Sex Shop Assistant:
No thank you sir, I'd rather have a pineapple inserted violently into my rectum.

Eddie:
You've been working here too long mate.