Family Matters

Lt. Murtaugh:
I dropped the, uh, nerd off next door at the, uh, nerd house. His parents were very upset.

Carl:
Why? Because he was in jail?

Lt. Murtaugh:
No, because I brought him back.

Steve Urkel:
Did I do that?

Steve Urkel:
[last lines of the series] Do I get a welcome home kiss?

Laura:
On one condition.

Steve Urkel:
What's that.

Laura:
That you'll never go into outer space again

Steve Urkel:
Only when we kiss, Laura Lee, only when we kiss [they passionately kiss]

Steve Urkel:
Ms Steuben, you taught Laura to slow down and stop taking short cuts. And you taught Cassie Lynn Nubbles, the posterchild for useless people, how to do things for herself. And, my God, look what you've done to Waldo. Do you have any idea how much you changed him?

Ms. Steuben:
Well, I guess he's changed a little.

Steve Urkel:
A little? Why, because of you, he's swapping recipes with Wolfgang Puck. And, he's got something that he didn't have before. Self respect.

Steve Urkel:
[Steve is suing Carl on the TV show Citizen's Court and Waldo has been called as a witness] Waldo, how did you feel about Pablo?

Waldo:
[Monotone while Steve mouths his words with him] Pablo was a kind and gentle creature. When I was with him, I felt... I felt... [Rolls up his sleeve and begins reading]... I felt like I was one with the Bee-Oh-Sphere.

Steve Urkel:
[panicked]... um... perhaps you mean "biosphere"?

Waldo:
[after thinking a moment] Ok. Cool.

Steve Urkel:
[Rushed] That's all. I'm finished with this witness, your honor!

Laura:
Wait a second. Excuse me Waldo, is there something written on your arm?

Waldo:
Just the stuff Steve told me to say.

Cassie Lynn:
Look, Becky Sue. Poor Laura has worked so hard and now she has to drop out of the race.

Laura:
What are you talkin' about?

Cassie Lynn:
Well, we just got some really hot photos of you being romanced by the Prince of Passion here.

Steve Urkel:
What? She just slipped and I caught her. That's all.

Cassie Lynn:
Becky Sue! We should put those pictures in the school paper.

Becky Sue:
Oh, we couldn't do that. Everyone would think that Laura is in love with Steve Urkel and no one would vote for her.

Steve Urkel:
But, I told you. I just caught her, that's all.

Cassie Lynn:
That may be what happened, but that won't be what the people believe. They just love juicy gossip.

Laura:
You wouldn't dare.

Cassie Lynn:
Try me. You've got twenty-four hours to drop out of the race or we publish the picture.

Steve Urkel:
Why you...

[Both leave laughing]

Steve Urkel:
Why, come back here, you little hussy! Nobody threatens my woman!

Laura:
Steve. Steve! STEVE!

Steve Urkel:
Wha-at?

Laura:
Will you calm down?

Steve Urkel:
Calm down? Why that low-down-cheap-bunder-headed-mud-slinging-bush-wacking-slanderous-snake-in-a-skirt is blackmailing you!

Laura:
I know!

Steve Urkel:
Why, to make everyone think that the woman I love actually loves me back? Why, how low can you get?

Eddie:
Dad you embarrassed me in front of my friends.

Carl:
Well, I'm sorry if I embarrassed you in front of a guy named Weasel.

Steve Urkel:
[after discovering that the stereo in Eddie's car has had its serial number scratched off] Uh-uh. It seems the guy that you purchased your stereo equipment from didn't want you to fill in any paper work.

Eddie:
What do you mean Steve?

Steve Urkel:
Edward this stuff's been hawked.

Steve Urkel:
You teach us more than just things out of a textbook. Why, you teach us things about life!

Ms. Steuben:
Oh, you really think so?

Steve Urkel:
Look, I know the pay is lousy, the hours are long, and you hardly ever get the credit you deserve. But, you're a teacher, Ms. Steuben, and a daaarrn good one.

Cassie Lynn:
All's fair in love and politics.

Steve Urkel:
Oh, I am so glad you said that!

[Grabs and kisses her. Eddie swoops in and starts taking pictures]

Cassie Lynn:
Eww! Yuck! Ick!

Steve Urkel:
Well, the earth didn't exactly move for me either!

Laura:
Well, Steve, I've been trying to convince Waldo that girls find him attractive. I couldn't turn right around and refuse to go out with him.

Steve Urkel:
Oh, why not? You refuse to go out with me for the last decade!

Laura:
Well, that's because you have self-confidence. I can turn you down without destroying your ego.

Steve Urkel:
Well, isn't that just a FIIIINE kettle of fish? I'm getting penalized because I'm emotionally stable!

Harriette:
What's goin' on down here and why do I smell cinnamon flavored smoke?

Steve Urkel:
Well, ya see, we had a little muffin mayhem. A small gastronomic goof up. A minor Betty Crocker boo boo.

Harriette:
Laura, translate.

Steve Urkel:
Laura, suppose I arrange for you to meet Johnny Gill personally. Would you like that?

Laura:
I'd love it, but...

Steve Urkel:
Oh, no buts! Suppose I made it happen. Would you reward me with a kiss?

Laura:
Sure. I'd lay one on you that would weld your glasses to your face.

Ms. Steuben:
I'm going to give you an A.

Waldo:
[pause] Wow! Could you write that A down on a piece of paper? I wanna take it home and read it to my mom.

[after Steve's Urk-yeast exploded all over the room]

Steve Urkel:
Ms. Steuben... I told the janitor about our little problem here.

Ms. Steuben:
Is he coming?

Steve Urkel:
Uh... no. He opted ofr early retirement.

Steve Urkel:
Steve Urkel! Muskrat Time! Sorry I'm late, but I got my tongue stuck in the printing press.

Steve Urkel:
Waldo, how could you do this to me?

Waldo:
I'm sorry, Steve. I know how you feel about Laura. But, like they say in the movie "Love Story"... 'Love means never having to say I'm sorry Steve, but I'm takin' yo chick'.

Ms. Steuben:
Listen, now, you tried as hard as you could and I'm gonna be generous and give you a C.

Steve Urkel:
A what? A what?

Ms. Steuben:
A C. A C!

Steve Urkel:
But... but, I never... I never got less than... than an A.

Ms. Steuben:
So?

Steve Urkel:
So, I can't live with that! Why, it'll ruin my transcript!

Ms. Steuben:
Get a hold of yourself, Steven.

Steve Urkel:
I can't! I can't! Oh, the room is spinning. Oh, yes it is! I... I'm getting dizzy. Oh my God! I feel stupid!

Carl:
[Steve has broken a window] Yes.

Steve Urkel:
Yes what?

Carl:
Yes, you did that.

Steve Urkel:
[thinking he's playing hide and seek with Laura, Eddie, & Judy and a shower starts running] That shower running doesn't fool me Laura! [walks into the bathroom]

Rachel Crawford:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Steve Urkel:
[runs back into the living room] Sorry Rachel! [to self] WOW!

Steve Urkel:
Waldo, is everything okay?

Waldo:
No, it's not.

Steve Urkel:
Well, what's the matter?

Waldo:
I can't talk to girls. Every time I'm around them, my mind goes blank. Can you imagine that?

Steve Urkel:
Actually, yes!

Steve Urkel:
[after discovering that the stereo in Eddie's car has had its serial number scratched off] Uh-uh. Just as I thought. It seems the guy that you purchased your stereo equipment from didn't want you to fill in any important paper work.

Eddie:
What do you mean Steve?

Steve Urkel:
Edward this stuff's been hawked.

[after putting out Laura's oven fire]

Steve Urkel:
You're safe now, Missy.

Laura:
Thank you, Steve. Now, I'm gonna give you a compliment. But, it's only a compliment and it doesn't mean anything more than that.

Steve Urkel:
Oh, I understand.

Laura:
You did good.

Steve Urkel:
You love me, don't you?

Steve Urkel:
Now that Waldo's out of the picture, does that make me your number one reject?

Laura:
Sure, Steve. There's no one I wanna say no to more than you.

Steve Urkel:
Whoa! We have liftoff!

Steve Urkel:
You're a wonderful teacher.

Ms. Steuben:
No, I'm a nervous teacher! I have a muscle in my forehead that will not stop jerking!

Steve Urkel:
Well, look at his poor, pathetic face. He's so sad he could depress Richard Simmons.

Steve Urkel:
Don't we remind you of The Temptations?

Laura:
No! More like The Repulsions.

Waldo:
Man, they didn't even know who we were. And we practiced for six minutes!

Carl:
What? I'm on duty? Well, why didn't you tell me?

Harriette:
I posted the schedule, Carl!

Carl:
Well, I didn't see it, Harriette!

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
Well, how did you miss it? It was right in your favorite spot.

Carl:
And where's that?

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
The refrigerator.

Carl:
[after kicking Steve out of the house] And don't you ever come back!

Steve Urkel:
What did you say?

Carl:
Oh, you heard me, don't ever come back.

Steve Urkel:
I will not be bullied! I love this lady [Laura] and I can come over here anytime I want to and you... can't... stop... me!

[On the phone]

Laura:
Steve, I can't talk now. I'm cooking breakfast. No, you're not invited. It's just for the family... Steve... stop begging.

Carl:
This baby has a remote. I'll be in all the videos.

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
Then, you'll need a wide-angle lense.

Steve Urkel:
The woman's been flirting with me.

Waldo:
She has?

Steve Urkel:
Oh yeah, just last week, she actually telephoned me in the middle of the night.

Eddie:
Steve, your house was on fire!

Waldo:
Laura, I know I'm just wasting my time, but would you like to... kinda, maybe... go out with me, sorta, tomorrow night, maybe?

Steve Urkel:
Now, let him down easy.

Laura:
Sure, Waldo.

Steve Urkel:
NOT THAT EASY!

Ms. Steuben:
All right, class. This semester we're... Steven, you'd better get going. You're late for class.

Steve Urkel:
Oh, no I'm not. I'm in this class.

Ms. Steuben:
That's... that's not funny, Steven.

Steve Urkel:
Oh, I'm not joking. So, what's cookin', good lookin'? [laughs]

Ms. Steuben:
Uh, excuse us... just a minute. [Pulls Steve to other side of room] Steven, last semester I specifically asked you what class you would not be taking this semster and you told me HOME EC!

Steve Urkel:
Well, yes, I did.

Ms. Steuben:
But... here you are. It's not fair.

Laura:
I mean it, Waldo. You have a lot of qualitites girls really go for.

Waldo:
I do? Like what?

Laura:
[Long pause] Your looks. I mean, you... are... very...

Waldo:
Handsome?

Laura:
Let's just put it this way... You have the perfect face for your head.

Laura:
Steve?

Steve Urkel:
Yeah?

Laura:
What you did for me tonight was really special. It meant a lot to me. And I know that baseball card meant a lot to you. The truth is... you deserve a kiss.

Steve Urkel:
You mean, you want to kiss me?

Laura:
I didn't say that.

Steve Urkel:
My uncle, Elijah Urkel, has been struck by lightning four times. At a party, once, he clamped cables to his earlobes and jump-started a Volkswagen. Then there's in the summer, when we use him as a human bug zapper. He's usually knee deep in dead mosquitoes. And then there was the time we went camping and we were in dyer need of a generator and we just plugged the toaster into Uncle Elijah and the Pop Tarts were flying. [Notices no one is there anymore] Well, I thought it was a good story.

Carl:
Okay, you read the instructions, while I add all the pieces.

Steve Urkel:
Okay. [reading] "Mongu! Chico! Mondo do du chok! Wa chee! Chocum hi chip chok!"

Carl:
What are you babbling about?

Steve Urkel:
This page is in Korean. They misspelled three words.

Carl:
You can read Korean?

Steve Urkel:
Why, sure! It's a beautiful language. I'll teach you. We'll start with a common Korean phrase. "No mo giet itsu mana! Mont gio sam eea!"

Carl:
Well, what's that mean?

Steve Urkel:
I've fallen and I can't get up!

[Steve thinks Rachel is in love with him, but she is really in love with another man named Steve]

Rachel Crawford:
Oh, hi Steve.

[Steve jumps]

Rachel Crawford:
How are you?

Steve Urkel:
Mm-fine!

Rachel Crawford:
Uh, Steve, would you mind coming over to the restaurant on Sunday at about 7:30?

Steve Urkel:
A-wha-ha-wha-wha-wha-wah?

Rachel Crawford:
Well, I'm planning dinner for a very, very special friend.

Steve Urkel:
Oh, I see. Oh, I see. I-I-I see.

Rachel Crawford:
Steve, are you sure you're okay? [Goes to feel his head]

Steve Urkel:
[Runs across the couch to get away] Fine, fine, fine!

Rachel Crawford:
Good. Look, Steve. I wanna play some of my own records on the jukebox, but I don't know how to put them in. Can you help me out?

Steve Urkel:
Do I have to?

Rachel Crawford:
Well, Steve, I am your boss. But, I'd be willing to pay you.

Steve Urkel:
[Takes it the wrong way] Gee... I wouldn't know what to charge.

Rachel Crawford:
How 'bout double the usual?

Steve Urkel:
The usual? Well... oh-okay.

Rachel Crawford:
Thanks Steve. You know what? You are such a sweetheart. Come here. [Pulls him into a hug]

[He faints]

Rachel Crawford:
Steve? Steve, what happened?

Steve Urkel:
Oh, nothing. Just blacked out for a second there!

Steve Urkel:
Laura, this is a... a really special moment and... well, I think we should celebrate it by... getting married.

Laura:
No.

Steve Urkel:
Engaged?

Laura:
No.

Steve Urkel:
Going steady?

Laura:
No.

Steve Urkel:
A date?

Laura:
No.

Steve Urkel:
A kiss?

Laura:
No.

Steve Urkel:
A handshake?

Laura:
No.

Steve Urkel:
I'll see ya tomorrow?

Laura:
Yeah.

Steve Urkel:
I'll take it.

Laura:
Gee, Steve... Your baby shoes, your grandmother's denchers, fish jam; and I didn't get a thing for you.

Waldo:
Hey, whatcha gonna do, Willie?

Willie Fuffner:
I'm gonna trash Urkel's locker!

Waldo:
But, why ya gonna do that, Willie?

Willie Fuffner:
Because, it's Tuesday.

Waldo:
Again?

Carl:
So, uh, what's goin' on?

Steve Urkel:
Boyd whipped Eddie. Eddie borrowed money from me. I'm playing Boyd double or nothing. I was kickin' butt. Boyd broke my glasses. Five hundred on the line. Can't see a darn thing.

Carl:
Nice summery.

Clarence:
Yo, you a serious little nerd.

Steve Urkel:
No, I AM a serious little nerd. You see, I use verbs. Verbs are our friends. They help move along our sentences.

Laura:
I do want a guy with something upstairs, but, uh, I also want a well-built staircase.

Steve Urkel:
Oh, well, no problem-o. I'll just begin a rigorist-training schedule. Why, a few sessions on the Muscle Master and you'll be drooling over my deltoids. [strikes a pose]... Laura?

Laura:
What, Steve?

Steve Urkel:
I hurt myself. Can you carry me home?

Steve Urkel:
To be quite honest, Fuffner; I'd written you off as being incorrigible.

Willie Fuffner:
What did he say?

Waldo:
He called you a gerbil.

Laura:
Where did you get the money for this?

Steve Urkel:
From my stay-away fund. Every year, my relatives send me money in hopes that I won't visit them!

Laura:
I guess I could call Steve Urkel.

[pause]

Laura:
Did I say that?

Eddie:
What's that?

Steve Urkel:
'Standardized Urkel Elementary Math Exam'. It helps to determine how much help you need. Okay, first question. What do you get when you multiply a negative by a negative?

Eddie:
A really... big negative?

Steve Urkel:
Uh-oh. Second question. Three times X equals six. What is the value of X?

Eddie:
[chuckling] I know this one! It's either a number or a letter! Ha ha!

Steve Urkel:
Whoa. This has never happened before.

Eddie:
I did good, huh?

Steve Urkel:
You didn't even make it onto the chart!

[someone has just smashed into Lt. Murtaugh's classic car]

Lt.Murtaugh:
Do you know that woman Winslow?

Carl:
Yes, I do. Hi mom!

Estelle Winslow:
Carl! Carl, someone parked their own piece of junk in our driveway.

Steve Urkel:
[drinking spiked punch] What is this? Mango?

Robbins:
Hey everyone, Laura Winslow's date is Steve Urkel

[prom guests gasp]

Donna Santangelo:
And get this, Urkel's tuxedo fits!

[Prom Guests Gasp]

Laura:
[as Steve and Laura walk in, the guests gasp again] Steve, everyone gasped.

Steve Urkel:
Of course. You're so beautiful, you take their breath away.

Laura:
Is it my imagination or is your voice lower?

Steve Urkel:
I think it's because these pants are so loose!

Maxine Johnson:
Ooh Laura, you look good.

Laura:
So do you Max, guess what, Steve rented us a limo.

Waldo:
We rented us a limo station wagon. All we had to do was drop some dead guy off at the graveyard.

Maxine Johnson:
Was there a line to get your pictures taken when you guys walked in?

Steve Urkel:
No, but it was moving kinda fast. Let's trot on over there and see what develops.

[laughs and snorts]

[on the afternoon of the Prom]

Laura:
Girl, have you ever seen the hair salon so crowded?

Maxine Johnson:
It happens every year the day of the prom. Did you see them work on Dora Fenswick?

Laura:
She didn't need a hairstylist, she needs a fairy godmother!

Laura:
[Curtis is about to break bad news to Laura] Curtis!

Curtis:
Hi Laura!

Laura:
What's wrong?

Curtis:
I don't know how to tell you this, but I have to tell you straight out. I won't be able to take you to the prom.

Laura:
Curtis, I got my hair done, my nails. I bought a new dress and you say you can't take me?

Curtis:
That's Right

Laura:
Let me tell you something. It better be a dead relative in your excuse.

Curtis:
My grandmother died!

Laura:
[gasps] I'm sorry, I'm so sorry please forgive me.

Curtis:
My whole family is flying out to Washington for the funeral

Laura:
Can you wait a day, of course you can't

Curtis:
I know you're disappointed. I'm sorry, call you next week?

Laura:
Poor Curtis

Maxine Johnson:
Yeah and poor you, you gonna miss your prom.

Laura:
Maybe not, there has to be some guy who doesn't have a date.

Laura:
[as Steve walks he sobs and cries on Laura's shoulder] What's the matter baby, did you eat some bad cheese again? Whoo!

Steve Urkel:
[sobbing] No, it's Myra, her cold got worse. Her temperature shot up and she tossed more cookies than the Keebler elf. I rushed her to the emergency room and the doctor said she has walking pneumonia.

Maxine Johnson:
Will she be okay?

Steve Urkel:
[sobbing] In about a week or so, but she gonna have to miss the prom. [crying]

Maxine Johnson:
[Maxine starts to laugh while talking to Steve] Ooh, hoo hoo. This is amazing! You know uh, Laura doesn't have a date for the prom either. This means you guys have to go together. [laughs] Bye! [Maxine laughs hysterically after she leaves the house]

Dexter Thornhill:
[after being found guilty at Urkel's trial] Darn you Urkel, Darn you to Heck!

Eddie:
[while Eddie and Carl where doing wiring for the satelite dish] Be Careful with those wires Dad. You don't want to get fried.

Carl:
Son, I am no neophyte when it comes to electronics. This wire will be connected to this cord and this cord is not plugged in.

Steve Urkel:
[Steve picks up the cord to the satelite dish] Sloppy, Sloppy, Sloppy! [plugs the cord into the socket]

Carl, Eddie:
[after Carl gets shocked from the electrical current] STEVE!

Steve Urkel:
Laura's got the highly infectious mucus-nasal-osis-inflamicus.

Daniel Wallace:
Oh my God! What is that?

Steve Urkel:
Well, it starts out with a little cough.

[coughs]

Steve Urkel:
Then your nasal passages swell and your nose and throat slam shut tighter than a clam.

Daniel Wallace:
Whoa, man.

Steve Urkel:
Yeah, and then if you sneeze... why, your entire head explodes like a cherry bomb in a cantaloupe.

Daniel Wallace:
Hey, man. Hey, wait a minute. Hey, you could be making this whole thing up!

Steve Urkel:
Could. But, if I'm not, the last two words you'll ever say will be, "A Choo."

Judy Winslow:
Mom, when's dinner? We're starved.

Harriette:
Soon, baby. Your dad's runnin' late.

Laura:
Let's eat everything and see if he can take a joke!

Laura:
Steve, I know it's a lot to ask, but I'd really appreciate it if you'd tutor Todd.

Steve Urkel:
Well, Laura, do you realize what you're asking? I'm jealous of Todd and you want me to help him. Why, you might as well drop a boulder on my foot, shove bamboo shoots under my fingernails, or scoop my eyeballs out with a melon baler.

Laura:
So, will you do it?

Rachel Crawford:
Mother Winslow?

Estelle Winslow:
What, Honey?

Rachel Crawford:
When you... when you...

Estelle Winslow:
Bite the big one?

Rachel Crawford:
Right. Would you rather be buried or cremated?

Estelle Winslow:
Surprise me.

[Steve just built an atomic bomb]

Steve Urkel:
I knew you'd be thrilled.

Laura:
This is just a model, right? It can't explode or anything?

Steve Urkel:
Why, of course it can! I love ya too much to build you a dud!

Laura:
But... but, where'd you get that radioactive stuff?

Steve Urkel:
I just called my uncle at the Pentagon. Colonel Dirk Urkel!

Laura:
There's an Urkel in our defense department?

Laura:
He started it.

Eddie:
How did I start it?

Laura:
By being born first. You got the whole family off on the wrong foot.

Carl:
Maybe you can even resurrect your band.

Eddie:
No, Kyle's gone solo and Jerry went with him.

Lt. Murtaugh:
They're sending in that Urkel kid.

Carl:
What? We've got cheerleaders taller than him.

Carl:
Typical. It is always tomorrow with that boy. "Clean up your room, Edward." "Tomorrow, Dad!" "Take out the trash, Edward." "Tomorrow, Dad!" "Pass the salt, Edward." "Tomorrow, Dad!" [goes to the refrigerator] No root beer? When are you going to the store?

Harriette:
Tomorrow, Dear.

Waldo:
Cheating it wrong, Eddie, and you should know that. I may get F's, but, by God, I earn them!

Steve Urkel:
Ms. Steuben... I'm sorry.

Ms. Steuben:
I know, Steven. You're always sorry. Listen, Steven, I've... I've decided to retire from the theatre arts department.

Steve Urkel:
Well, gee, that's a shame.

Ms. Steuben:
Yeah, well... Steven, you're not taking Home Ec. next semester, are ya?

Steve Urkel:
No.

Ms. Steuben:
Oh, good. Oh, good. I'll teach that.

Harriette:
How's the book?

Judy Winslow:
Boring. Look how big and thick it is!

Harriette:
[Reading] Swiss Family Robinson!

Judy Winslow:
Who wants to read about cheese?

[Jazzy music playing]

Laura:
Steve, you like this kind of music?

Steve Urkel:
Mmm, not really.

Laura:
Maybe there's hope for you yet.

Steve Urkel:
I'm more of a polka kinda guy.

Eddie:
That thing is so ugly.

Steve Urkel:
Shh. Pablo's bilingual!

Waldo:
Excuse me, but I don't wanna hear about a bug's sex life.

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
Steve, how did you get so good at checkers?

Steve Urkel:
Practice. Fortunately, when I was young I had no friends.

Chain:
It occurs to me that you could be wired.

Steve Urkel:
Oh no! Now, I may have taken a sip of my mom's coffee, but I...

Chain:
I'm talkin' about the other kind of wired!

Steve Urkel:
Have you guys seen Laura?

Eddie:
Nope.

Waldo:
Sure you have. Pretty girl, dark hair... your sister for God's sake!

Eddie:
I meant, I haven't seen her today.

Waldo:
Ohh... Cool.

Steve Urkel:
Hi Laura, my little sweet potata! Did you think of me while you guys were camping?

Laura:
Yeah, every time I used the bug spray.

Eddie:
I'm sorry, Steve. We'll go camping together some other time. Just you and me. I promise, okay?

Steve Urkel:
Okay.

Eddie:
All right.

[goes to leave]

Steve Urkel:
...No, it's not okay! Eddie Winslow, front and center! Newsflash, Eddie! I have feelings. Inside this scrawny chest, there beats a heart. A heart that hurts. And the reason it hurts is because I've tried very hard to be your friend and all you've done is take advantage of me. Well, that's gonna stop right now! I'm not your personal doormat.

[pointing to Laura]

Steve Urkel:
I'm her doormat!

Laura:
[seductively] Hi, Steve.

Steve Urkel:
Hi, Laura,

Laura:
You know, I shouldn't be mingling with the opposition, but I just wanted to tell you how handsome you look under fluorescent lighting.

Steve Urkel:
[confused] Really?

Laura:
Yeah. And, I just wanted to wish you good luck.

Steve Urkel:
Thank you.

Laura:
[grabbing his arm] Ooh! My, what strong arms.

Steve Urkel:
[dropping his bowling ball and hyperventilating]

Carl:
Steve? Steve?

Steve Urkel:
Sh-she touched me, Carl! I can't breathe! All the pins look like Laura!

Waldo:
Thanks for helping me find the gym.

Steve Urkel:
Don't feel bad. It's Monday! You had two whole days to forget where it was.

Carl:
What's wrong, honey?

Laura:
Science class. I'm in big trouble! I may get a B.

Carl:
I got a B once. I framed it.

Laura:
Dad, this is serious. I can't afford a B on my permanent record. From now on, no parties and no TV. In fact, I'm grounded.

Harriette:
Laura!

Laura:
Don't argue. Someday, I'll thank myself for this.

Rodney Beckett:
Can I hurt him?

Eddie:
Not in the house.

Rodney Beckett:
Steve, come on outside. I wanna show you something.

Steve Urkel:
Wa-uh!

Steve Urkel:
Now, relax, Eddie. You had an accident. Carl will understand.

Eddie:
Right. Dad will understand.

Carl:
AAAAAAHHHHHHH! Wha? Wha? Wha? Wha? Who? Wha? Wha? Who?

Harriette:
Carl! Carl, calm down!

Carl:
Harriette, there is a car in the living room.

Harriette:
Yes, I know that.

Carl:
Harriette, there is a car in the living room!

Harriette:
Carl, don't overreact.

Carl:
Overreact? Harriette, THERE IS A CAR IN THE LIVING ROOM!

Rachel Crawford:
Well at least we know where it is.

Rachel Crawford:
It's almost impossible to find a job these days.

Laura:
[running in] Guess what? I just got a job!

Steve Urkel:
Aaah! Aaaah!

Rachel Crawford:
It's okay, Steve. I'm here.

Steve Urkel:
I know! You're standing on my finger!

Steve Urkel:
I have a lot of personal experience in first aid. I got a nosebleed at birth. My doctor slapped the wrong end.

[Steve is wasted]

Laura:
Steve...

Steve Urkel:
Laura! Oh, you're a sore for sight eyes!

Laura:
Are you all right?

Steve Urkel:
Swell, Punch! I want more Punch! Anybody have more punch?

Laura:
Steve, Calm Down!

Steve Urkel:
[as Waldo hands Steve a cup of the spiked punch] Why should I Laura, I'm the pife of the larty! [splashes Waldo with the spiked punch]

Steve Urkel:
[Steve is still wasted] Ooh the Durkel!

Laura:
Waldo, what's with Steve, he's acting wierd, even for him!

Waldo:
Willie told me not to tell.

Laura:
Tell what?

Waldo:
That he spiked Urkel's punch.

Laura:
WHAT?

Waldo:
I said he... Hey, you can't trick me!

Steve Urkel:
Come on everybody, let's ooh the durkel!

[Steve climbs on the ledge of the roof]

Rachel Crawford:
Steve!, Steve! Get down from there!

Steve Urkel:
Hey, you gotta get up if want to get dow... oh...

[guests scream as Steve falls off the edge of the roof]

Steve Urkel:
Help!, Help!

Laura:
Steve, are you okay?

Steve Urkel:
[Hanging on a ledge] I've fallen and I can't get up!

Eddie:
Only wimps give in to pain.

Harriette:
Come on, sweetie, let's get you home and then I can put some antiseptic on those cuts.

Eddie:
Mom, that stuff stings!

[Performing Romeo and Juliet]

Laura:
Doth thou love me? Oh, gentle Romeo, if thou doth love, pronounce it faithfully.

Steve Urkel:
[Climbs over the balcony and falls] Oh! Ouchith!

Laura:
[whispering] Steve, are you okay?

Steve Urkel:
[whispering] I bent my dagger.

Rachel Crawford:
Maybe you could come back when your voice has changed.

Steve Urkel:
It already did.

Laura:
I couldn't have done this without you.

Steve Urkel:
Oh, please, Laura. You're making me blush.

Laura:
You know, I just don't get why people are so afraid of our history.

Steve Urkel:
Well, because it's different. And believe you me, I know what being different is all about.

Laura:
Well, I admire you for that.

Steve Urkel:
Oh, pasha, you're making me blush again.

Laura:
So, Myrtle, how long are you gonna be around?

Myrtle Urkel:
Oh, just two weeks. My parents would only take Steve if Steve's parents promised to take me.

Rachel Crawford:
Sort of an Urkel Exchange Program?

Myrtle Urkel:
Exactly, honey!

Steve Urkel:
You know what, Laura? I realize the reason you don't love me is because I'm weak.

Laura:
Steve, that's not true.

Steve Urkel:
It isn't?

Laura:
No! There's lots of reasons why I don't love you.

Steve Urkel:
Really? Well, name a couple.

Laura:
Well... you're stubborn, irritating, loud, obnoxious, pushy, clumsy...

Steve Urkel:
I said 'a couple'.

Steve Urkel:
Hi everybody! Welcome to Leroy's! [Handing out] Menu, menu, menu, menu, menu.

Carl:
Uh, just bring us burgers and fries.

Steve Urkel:
[collecting] Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Rachel Crawford:
Can you make him quack like a duck every time the phone rings?

Dr. Goodrich:
Ms. Crawford, I am a medical doctor, not a carnival act!

Rachel Crawford:
[to Harriette] He's not gonna make him quack.

Rachel Crawford:
Poor Laura.

Harriette:
What do you mean?

Rachel Crawford:
The balcony scene is next. You think she'll really kiss Steve?

Harriette:
I don't know. Every time I ask her about it, she just cries and takes another Rolaid.

[Steve accidentally set off his A-bomb]

Steve Urkel:
Don't panic, my love! If I remember correctly, the safest place to be during a nuclear explosion is in a reinforced basement.

Laura:
Not when the bomb is in the basement with you!

Steve Urkel:
Good point... PANIC!

Steve Urkel:
I've got an Uncle Dirk Urkel who was blessed with a two-foot long nose hair. Well, he got it trapped in the rear door of a Buick and was dragged eight and a half blocks.

Lt. Murtaugh:
You look familiar.

Steve Urkel:
We met once. You showed me a picture of your dog.

Lt. Murtaugh:
Right.

Steve Urkel:
So, how is old Blood Fang?

Lt. Murtaugh:
He's dead.

Steve Urkel:
I'm sorry.

Lt. Murtaugh:
Yeah... like that's gonna bring him back.

Steve Urkel:
[to Carl] They actually give this guy bullets?

[after having stepped on Steve's bug]

Carl:
Who is Pablo?

Steve Urkel:
[Pointing to the floor] Him. And him. And... OOHHH, and him!

Waldo:
See anything you like?

Steve Urkel:
How much is that one?

Waldo:
Forty bucks.

Steve Urkel:
I'll give ya thirty.

Waldo:
Twenty-five!

Steve Urkel:
Twenty!

Waldo:
Fifteen and that's as high as I'm going.

Steve Urkel:
Sold!

Waldo:
Sucker.

Laura:
Steve... why did you give me this... this... THIS?

Steve Urkel:
Because, I love you... love you... love you!

Steve Urkel:
Edo, cheating is like wearing your grandmother's underpants. Sure, it may cover your hiney, but if you make a habit of it, you've got a serious problem.

Eddie:
As a starting forward of the school team, it's my duty to play round ball... not nerd ball.

Steve Urkel:
But, I've been practicing and my progress is impressive, even if I do say so myself. And since no one will play with me, I have to say so myself.

Eddie:
Isn't there somebody else you could annoy?

Steve Urkel:
Sorry, it's your turn!

Steve Urkel:
Care to mop my brow?

Laura:
Forget it.

Steve Urkel:
No sweat, my pet?

Laura:
In your dreams.

Steve Urkel:
Hey, this is my dream!

Laura:
Well, then not even in your dreams.

Steve Urkel:
I can't believe this! I'm being rejected in my own fantasy.

Judge Vance:
All right, young man, call your first witness.

Steve Urkel:
Your Honor, I would like to call Waldo Faldo!

Waldo:
Okay, but I'm not home.

Carl:
I needed a good laugh.

Steve Urkel:
You know, every time you laugh you burn off three and a half calories?

Carl:
Maybe I should laugh a little bit more, huh?

Steve Urkel:
Oh, Laura, my love. The wind has chapped my lips. Would you care to heal them with a kiss?

Boyd Higgins:
Name's Boyd Higgins, but ym friends call me Buck!

Eddie:
Name's Eddie Winslow, but my friends call me... Eddie.

Rodney Beckett:
I'm Rodney, but my friends call me Rod-meister.

Steve Urkel:
And I'm Steve Urkel! And I don't get many calls!

Steve Urkel:
I bought two tickets to a concert that Laura wants to go to and offered to take her as my, get this, date!

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
Ooh, that's nice!

Steve Urkel:
Well, no, it's not nice!

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
It's not?

Steve Urkel:
Well, Laura doesn't want a date with me.

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
Are you sure?

Steve Urkel:
Oh, positive. Shen I suggested it, her lovely eyes were momentarily clouded with nausea.

Steve Urkel:
I've never tried out for athletics before and the equipment list says that every guy should wear a cup.

Coach Westfield:
That's right.

Steve Urkel:
Well, I didn't have one. So, is it all right with you? I'm wearing a Bart Simpson's mug.

Carl:
What's up?

Steve Urkel:
Well, actually, this is Eddie's story. All you'll hear from me is an occasional, 'Mmmhmm, that's right.'

Eddie:
That's enough, Steve.

Steve Urkel:
Mmmhmm, that's right.

Carl:
There is a guy on our couch who says I remember him, but I don't remember him.

Harriette:
Well, tell him you don't remember him.

Carl:
I can't tell him I don't remember him! Because, I already told him I do remember him. So, if I tell him I don't remember him, I'll look like a jerk and I still won't remember him.

Harriette:
Well, if he remembers you, he's used to you looking like a jerk.

Carl:
Uh-oh. That's Lt. Murtaugh. This could be an emergency and I'm not even dressed yet! [runs upstairs]

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
Carl hasn't moved that fast since he chased a doughnut down hill.

Laura:
How long have we known each other?

Steve Urkel:
Nine years, three months, two weeks, four days, six hours, eight minutes, and fourteen seconds... fifteen seconds... sixteen seconds.

[looking through a vacation pamphlet]

Eddie:
Look at those beaches.

Laura:
Look a those sunsets.

Rachel Crawford:
Look at those men.

Carl:
Look at that buffet.

Laura:
Look, I owe you an apology. The only reason I asked you to be my partner was because I was worried about my grade. When I said my feelings for you might change, I was lying. And I'm sorry.

Steve Urkel:
So, you used me! You trifled with my emotions! I offered you my heart and you stomped that sucker flat!

Laura:
Yes.

Steve Urkel:
No biggie!

[Laura has stuffed her bra with Eddie's socks]

Steve Urkel:
[entering] Hi gang! [shocked] Laura!... Bazooms! [faints]

Steve Urkel:
I have a spectacular evening planned!

Laura:
We're not going anywhere until the ground rules are straight. First of all, this is not a real date. It's a "non-date". Second, no one must ever know about this "non-date". Third, if you touch me at any time, the "non-date" is over.

Steve Urkel:
Well, what if you trip or something?

Laura:
Just let me fall! The rest of the rules are covered in this contract.

Steve Urkel:
[reading] "No mouth breathing, no snorting, no drooling". Who does these things? They're disgusting. Where do I sign?

Eddie:
Did Halle Berry return my phone call?

Harriette:
Something on this planet!

Lt. Murtaugh:
Keep the pace, Mr. Backwards Hat!

Carl:
3, 2, 1... 1, 2, 3... What the heck is bothering me?

Carl:
Go home, Steve.

Steve Urkel:
But Carl...

Carl:
Go home, Steve!

Steve Urkel:
Now, Big Guy...

Carl:
Go home! Go home! Go home!

Steve Urkel:
I don't have to take this! I'm going home!

[repeated line]

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
Way to go Carl!

Steve Urkel:
My "play-ground pass"? How much will that cost me?

Baby Girl:
We'll take all you've got.

Steve Urkel:
But, that's all I've got!

Eddie:
Hey Waldo, how do I look?

Waldo:
With your eyes.

Harriette:
[sobbing] Clint is driving off and Meryl will never see him again! Isn't that sad?

Carl:
I'll tell you what's sad Harriette, I've watched two full hours of the "Bridges Of Madison County" and Clint didn't blow up one bridge!

Laura:
Get a life, Steve!

Steve Urkel:
All right! This is fantastic!

Laura:
What are you so happy about?

Steve Urkel:
You said, "Get a life, Steve", A week ago you would have said, "Get a life, TURBONERD". I'm wearin' you down baby, I'm wearin' you DOWWWWNN!

Steve Urkel:
Got any cheese?

Laura:
Steve Urkel, you are the most annoying human being that I have ever met!

Steve Urkel:
[Talking to Eddie and his girlfriend] You heard her, you're all witnesses. She actually said, "Human Being". She's mine!

Steve Urkel:
Oh, Gosh golly, Jeepers Creepers. Should I be getting some Handi-Wipes?

Laura and Maxine:
Stay out of this!

Steve Urkel:
[while Laura and Maxine hit Steve with two Boston Cream Pies] No, AAH!, WAAAH! And I just got the wax sucked out of my ears!

[Waldo is being cross-examined in court]

Steve Urkel:
State your name.

Waldo:
Illinois.

Steve Urkel:
No... state your name... not name your state.

Waldo:
Oh, Waldo Faldo... from Illinois.

Steve Urkel:
[ice pack on his head from a hangover, Carl just told him a story from his drinking days] Eh he he, ow, eh he he ow, [snorts] WHOOAAOOH! Never snort with a hangover!

Waldo:
What are you doing, Willie?

Willie Fuffner:
I'm gonna get Urkel!

Waldo:
But, why ya gonna do that, Willie?

Willie Fuffner:
Because, he humiliated me!

Waldo:
But, you humiliate me every day.

Willie Fuffner:
[sigh] That's different. You're my friend.

Waldo:
Oh yeah.

Steve Urkel:
A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

Laura:
Yeah, but what are you gonna do?

Laura:
Touching.

Steve Urkel:
Sorry.

Steve Urkel:
Rachel, what are you doing?

Rachel Crawford:
Tightrope walking.

Steve Urkel:
Do you know how to do that?

Rachel Crawford:
...No.

Steve Urkel:
I've fallen and I can't get up!

Steve Urkel:
Is there anything I can do for you while I'm down here waiting?

Laura:
Let me know when Eddie gets back.

[Eddie comes crashing through the living room in the car]

Steve Urkel:
[shocked] He's baaaaack!

[Stefan did not take his "cool boost" for that week - he wants to turn back into Steve]

Laura:
How long do you think it'll be?

Stefan Urkelle:
Well, it could be a few days, or weeks, or [Steve voice] any minute now!

[just got lemon tart filling thrown at him]

Steve Urkel:
Can I have a glass of milk to go with my face?

Steve Urkel:
Loving you is like trying to touch a star. You know you'll never reach it, but you have to keep trying.

Waldo:
You guys think you can walk all over me because I'm dumb. But I have feelings, too. If you cut me, do I not cough? If you hit me, do I not sneeze? And if you call me names, do I not eat?

Steve Urkel:
WHOA, MAMA!

Steve Urkel:
Ssssh, not while I'm pouring.

Laura:
Steve, did you eat that moldy cheese?

Steve Urkel:
Danger's my middle name! Well, actually it's Quincy, but you guys get the picture.

[Steve comes out of the freezer at Rachel's Place shivering]

Rachel Crawford:
Honey, how long were you in there?

Steve Urkel:
L-long enough to get i-icicles on my nose hair... Look!

Rachel Crawford:
I'll just take your word for it.

Steve Urkel:
Uh, Eddie, is this a bad time?

Eddie:
Steve, I just got dumped.

Steve Urkel:
Oh, good! Then you're free!

[dressed as a gangster]

Steve Urkel:
How tough am I? When I was born... when the doctor slapped me, I SHOT him!

Steve Urkel:
I've taken a vow of chastity.

Carl:
Steve, you've always been chaste.

Steve Urkel:
Yeah, but now I have an excuse.

Steve Urkel:
Time to count our Christmas cards!... One... Now, let's read it!

Steve Urkel:
Why don't you just study?

Eddie:
Man, I don't have time to study. I'm in college.

[after downing a bottle of diet pills]

Steve Urkel:
Hi Harriette, hi Laura, hi Harriette, hi Laura, hi Harriette, oh look, it's Laura!

Waldo:
Dude, it's Rick James!

Eddie:
Waldo, that's my dad.

Waldo:
Your dad is Rick James?

Steve Urkel:
All right, Laura, we'll randeavou at the Isetta.

Laura:
The Isetta?

Steve Urkel:
That's what I saida!

Eddie:
I just did the laundry and I'm on my way out to wash the car and cut the grass.

Carl:
Who are you and what have you done with our son?

Harriette:
Who cares? Let's keep this one!

Steve Urkel:
Look what you did.

Steve Urkel:
[on the stage of the strip club] Stop the music! Stop the music! [music abruptly stops] Look at yourselves. You're acting like animals! There's no justification for this behavior! What do you have to say for yourselves?

Lady in Strip Club:
Shut up and shake your booty!

Laura:
I was thinking about taking a home economics class so I can learn how to cook

Harriette:
What for? I can teach you how to cook.

Laura:
That's okay mom.

Harriette:
Look why not?

Laura:
Remember when you tried to teach me how to sew? You made me so nervous that I had to go to the hospital to get the thimble taken off.

Harriette:
I guess it wouldn't hurt to take a home economics class.

[Steve is eating frozen fish sticks out of the box]

Laura:
Steve, you're supposed to cook those!

Steve Urkel:
And lose that wonderful ocean flavor?

Carl:
Steve, will you please stop sulking and come out of the bathroom?

Steve Urkel:
You yelled at me and you called me a butthead!

Carl:
Of all the names that I have called you , the one that bothers you is butthead?

Steve Urkel:
Yes! It was my nickname in preschool!

Eddie:
Waldo?

Waldo:
What's up?

Waldo:
No prob, Bob!

Waldo:
Life is short, and so it Gary Coleman.

Steve Urkel:
I... I'm being born! My head pops out! I can see my dad! Whoa, I'm being pushed back in!

Stefan Urkelle:
Wake me, shake me, break me, but baby, don't forsake me.

Eddie:
I thought I was smart.

Rodney Beckett:
YOU thought you were smart? What are you? Stupid?

Carl:
Edward, your mother was fired.

Eddie:
From her job?

Carl:
No, from a cannon.

Steve Urkel:
I've invented nuclear batteries.

Carl:
Where did you get the plutonium?

Steve Urkel:
Radio Shack.

[to Steve]

Alex Phillips:
How 'bout you put your money where your mouth is.

Waldo:
Don't do it, Urkel! Money has germs on it.

Steve Urkel:
Did I mention my dad knows Wayne Newton?

Harriette:
Judy, finish your Brussels sprouts.

Judy Winslow:
Brussels sprouts make me wanna puke.

Harriette:
At my table, you eat them. Now, what you do on your own time is your business.

Steve Urkel:
I have to tell you, Mr. Winslow. When my dad said you fixed me up with Laura; why, I thought I'd wet my pants!

Steve Urkel:
[entering] Hi Eddie.

Eddie:
Urkel, why don't you ever knock?

Steve Urkel:
Well, if I did, nobody would ever let me in.

Carl:
I just had the worst day of my entire life. I was in a high-speed car chase and ran out of gas.

Steve Urkel:
Mmm, steak. You ever been down to the slaughterhouse? It's fascinating. One minute, "Moo!" The next minute... rump roast!

[Making lemon tarts]

Carl:
Rachel, you're putting entirely too much filling in those.

Rachel Crawford:
I'm what? [Turns and squirts filling on Carl's shirt]

Carl:
You shot your bag at me!

Laura:
We're not going anywhere. Uh, we're, uh, playin' hide and seek!

Eddie:
Hide and seek! That's it!

Steve Urkel:
Oh great! My parents play this with me all the time! Once, I found them in Milwaukee living under an assumed name!

Steve Urkel:
I got nougat on my shoe!

Laura:
Every time we order another course, you bring your chair closer.

Steve Urkel:
I can't help it, Laura. I'm drawn to you. Like a moth to a flame. A bee to a blossom. A mouse to cheese!

Steve Urkel:
Hi everybody!

Laura:
Urkel, don't you ever knock?

Steve Urkel:
No, I don't like to disturb anyone.

Eddie:
If I don't pull at least a C on my midterm exam, I'm gonna flunk Algebra.

Laura:
I thought dad was a math wiz.

Eddie:
He is.

Laura:
Then what's the problem?

Eddie:
I'm the one who's taking the test.

Steve Urkel:
Hi everybody!

Estelle Winslow:
Hi honey.

Rachel Crawford:
Steve, did it ever occur to you that when the door is closed we're trying to keep unwanted people out?

Steve Urkel:
Oh, I'd better lock it then!

Steve Urkel:
It wasn't that play that cost you the championship. It was your free safety. I mean the guy's a feeb. The man was open all day! He couldn't cover his head with his hat.

Ken:
[Grabbing Steve by the collar] THAT FEEB YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT WAS ME!

Steve Urkel:
Actually, it was my dad who said that. He's a very large man who should be here any minute now.

Ken:
You make me wanna puke! You know that?

Steve Urkel:
By any chance, is that something you enjoy?

Steve Urkel:
Hi everybody! Got anything in the fridge?

Laura:
Urkel, don't your parents feed you?

Steve Urkel:
Not everyday.

Carl:
Rachel, Carl was my great grandfather's name and there is no way that I'm gonna change it.

Estelle Winslow:
Your great grandfather's name was Lester. Carl was his horse.

Eddie:
I don't see what getting beat up is gonna prove.

Steve Urkel:
That's because you don't know what it's like being small. No one's ever called you 'shrimp'. Big guys have never played keep away with your hat on a cold day. During the class picture, you don't have to sit with the girls in the front row and hold up the class sign. And most of all, you don't have to deal with bullies. I mean, I'm a fast runner, Eddie, but sooner or later, you just gotta stop running.

Steve Urkel:
Ready, my sweet? Our limo awaits.

Harriette:
You rented a limo?

Steve Urkel:
No, well, actually it's my Uncle Ernie's hearse. He's gonna drive us tonight. We only have to make one quick delivery.

Steve Urkel:
I had my first allergy attack when I was nine. I was on the bus on the way to day camp when all of a sudden my eyes started to water and I started coughing up all this green stuff. Or was it yellow? Mucus comes in so many colors.

Eddie:
Steve, I'm tryin' to eat.

Steve Urkel:
What'd I say?

[bringing Steve over]

Carl:
He's all yours. [leaves]

Laura:
Well, he's all yours, Eddie. [leaves]

Steve Urkel:
Face it. You're stuck.

Carl:
Hi, honey.

Harriette:
Hi sweetie. How was your day?

Carl:
Rough. I just spend two hours talking a guy off a ledge, then found out he was a window washer.

Steve Urkel:
Carl, I brought the notes to go over with Laura.

Carl:
Uh, she's in the shower.

Steve Urkel:
Thanks. [heads for the stairs - Carl grabs him by his suspenders] I almost got ya there, Carl.

Eddie:
I guess this means you're gonna ground us, huh?

Harriette:
Into dust!

Harriette:
Better add zucchini to that shopping list.

Judy Winslow:
[writing] Z-U-K

Harriette:
Nope.

Judy Winslow:
Z-O-O-K

Harriette:
Uh uh.

Judy Winslow:
Let's get corn instead.

Carl:
You know, bowling was a great idea. I can't think of a single reason not to do this every week.

[Steve enters]

Steve Urkel:
Hi everybody!

Carl:
I just thought of a reason.

Steve Urkel:
Laura? Laura, please. Please, my little Rapunzel.

Laura:
For the last time, Steve. I will not give you a lock of my hair.

Steve Urkel:
I'll settle for a toenail clipping!

Laura:
How can you be so disgusting?

Steve Urkel:
It's a gift!

Steve Urkel:
Have you ever had a date?

Waldo:
I got close once. I almost went to the movies with Vicky Vanderfanny.

Steve Urkel:
You mean Hickey Vicky?

Waldo:
Yeah, but I was so nervous when I asked her out that before she could answer, I barfed all over her shoes.

Ms. Steuben:
Waldo! What a turkey!

Waldo:
Hey, you don't have to like my cookin', but, please, don't call me names!

Harriette:
Laura! This oven is on 550.

Laura:
Ma, the package said to cook it at 275 for 20 minutes. So, I figured if I doubled the temperature, I could cook it in half the time.

Steve Urkel:
[cracks up] Oh, that's rich! That's one for the books! Oh! How could a girl so smart do something so... so... So long!

Steve Urkel:
Why, I can see the headlines now! "Nubbles Sucks Face with Nerd!"

Cassie Lynn:
You wouldn't.

Steve Urkel:
Would.

Cassie Lynn:
You couldn't.

Steve Urkel:
Could.

Cassie Lynn:
But, it's a lie! You kissed me. I didn't kiss you.

Steve Urkel:
Well, that may be what happened, but it won't be what the people believe. People just love juicy gossip!

Baby Girl:
You couldn't push me out of this park if you wanted to!

Steve Urkel:
Not without a forklift.

Laura:
Dad, you're exacerbating the situation instead of ameliorating it.

Carl:
I am... not. But just to be sure, I'm going downstairs to check the dictionary.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
I was thinking you could help me during the test.

Waldo Geraldo Faldo, Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Cheating?

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
I prefer to call it sharing.

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
Well I for one am appalled.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Why are you upset, Waldo?

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
Cheating is wrong, Eddie, and you should know that.

[Puts his jacket on and heads to the Door]

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
I may get F's, but, by God, I earn them! [He leaves the house]

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
You know, I never thought I'd see the day that I actually agreed with Waldo Geraldo Faldo.

Sergeant Shishka:
Urkel, Winslow, you are not on my list of new recruits.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Oh well...

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
You mean to tell me that the Army screwed up the paper work again. Gosh I bet that's never happened before.

Sergeant Shishka:
Don't insult my Army. I love my Army. I'll take this up later with the Lieutenant.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Aunt Oona!

Aunt Oona:
[creeps up to the door] What?

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
[brings her in to meet the Winslows] Now don't worry, they don't bite, and even if they do they've had their shots.

Harriette Winslow:
So Oona... how are things in Altoona?

Aunt Oona:
Well... not good, my kitchen exploded.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
How'd that happen?

Aunt Oona:
The gas pipe broke when my living room flooded.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Oh, well how did that happen?

Aunt Oona:
The water main snapped when the roof collapsed.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Yeah but if you...

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Forget it, Carl, it's quicksand.

Harriette Winslow:
[Waldo crashes his snowmobile in the Winslows' living room] Waldo?

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
Sup?

Harriette Winslow:
Is this your snowmobile?

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
Yup. How much do I owe you for parking?

[Waldo has just given Eddie a list of IOU at Mighty Weenie]

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Seymour Butts?

[Waldo nods as Eddie goes to the next name]

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Willie Makeit?

[Waldo nods as Eddie goes to the last one]

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
DAN DRUFF?

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
Oh don't worry they promised to come back tomorrow.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
[Waldo heads into the kitchen as Steve emerges] You o.k., Eddo?

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
No. I think I'm gonna have to fire Waldo, Steve.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
But you can't fire Waldo, he's our friend.

[the oven explodes from the kitchen and Waldo emerges]

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
I think we're gonna need a new stove and a floor to put it on. [smiles]

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
I'll miss Waldo.

Eddie Winslow:
[at the frat party] Steve, why are you wearing a toga?

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Well why aren't you? For that matter... why isn't everybody?

Laura Lee Winslow:
You're lucky, you got into a great fraternity... and all it cost you was your best friend.

Eddie Winslow:
Steve told you?

Laura Lee Winslow:
He didn't need to. I could hear him sobbing in his suspension chamber.

Richie Crawford:
We're going to play with these toys for 30 days and return them, like Uncle Carl's going to do with his peanut helmet.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Richie, I get the money back if the helmet breaks.

Richie Crawford:
I can break all this stuff.

Harriette Winslow:
Mr. Niedermeyer, the only thing that's gonna go by is you. Bye!

Nick Neidermeyer:
Huh?

Harriette Winslow:
Carl was nice enough to invite you into his game and you've been acting like a jackass.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Now honey, it's really ok...

Harriette Winslow:
No it's not ok, Carl. I kept quiet last week and I haven't say anything tonight. This poker game is important to you and I messed it up by inviting this windbag.

[Carl's poker buddies cheer her on]

Nick Neidermeyer:
Do I have to remind you who you're talking to?

Harriette Winslow:
No, you don't have to remind me of nothing. You may be my boss, but that does not give you the right to come into my home and be obnoxious to my husband and his friends. So go ahead, FIRE ME! But you'll never play in this game again.

Zoohair Bhutto:
You go, girl.

Carl Otis Winslow:
[after bringing Eddie home from jail] Now Edward, stop looking around for Steve. He's having the same discussion with his father. Now let me get this straight, you dented the car. And instead of admitting to it, you got yourself involved in gambling. Does that about cover it?

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Yes sir.

Carl Otis Winslow:
[pulls up a chair] Sit down, Edward.

[Eddie sits down and Carl grabs his hair]

Carl Otis Winslow:
Edward Arthur Winslow, son I'm ashamed of you. Dont you know when you make a mistake, you fess up to it. Trying to cover it up would only make it worse.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Yes sir.

Carl Otis Winslow:
But, apparently you seem want to learn it the hard way, well so be it. You're grounded for two weeks and you are to stay away from my car until it learns self-defense. Now hit the sack. [Eddie leaves and Carl puts the chair away] Well that took care of everything.

Harriette Winslow:
Now let me get this straight. You dumped one of my relatives in a Hefty bag. Then instead of admitting it, you let us spread a log in Lake Michigan. Does that about cover it?

Carl Otis Winslow:
Yes ma'am.

Harriette Winslow:
[pulls up a chair] Sit down, Carl.

[Carl sits down]

Harriette Winslow:
[grabbing Carl's hair] Carl...

[Takes her hand away, looking at it before placing it on top of his head instead]

Harriette Winslow:
Carl Otis Winslow, I'm ashamed of you. When you make a mistake, fess up to it. Trying to cover it up only make things worse.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Yes ma'am.

Harriette Winslow:
But, apparently, you seem to want to learn these things the hard way, so be it. You're taking me out for dinner at Chez Josephine's.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Yes, ma'am.

Harriette Winslow:
Now let's hit the sack.

Carl Otis Winslow:
[More excitedly] Yes, ma'am!

[the telephone rings]

Carl Otis Winslow:
I'll get that, you must be having a rough day.

Harriette Winslow:
Not as rough as Aunt Clotilda.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Hello. Edward, sure I got a moment. What's up? YOU'RE WHERE?

Harriette Winslow:
Carl, what's wrong?

Carl Otis Winslow:
[furious] Edward is in jail.

Harriette Winslow:
What happened?

Carl Otis Winslow:
He and Steve got busted for gambling.

Carl Otis Winslow:
[after picking up Eddie who was arrested for gambling] Edward, stop looking around for Steve, he's at his own home having this same conversation with his parents.

Harriette Winslow:
[Rachel carries on about how sad it is Aunt Clotilda died] She was 94 years old. She lived a long and full life.

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
How did she die?

Rachel Crawford:
She keeled over leading a game of Simon says!

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
[cracks a laugh but tries to stop] It's so sad.

Rachel Crawford:
When the paramedics got there, they thought SIXTY-SEVEN people had died!

Rachel Crawford:
Mother Winslow, when you... when you...

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
Bite the big one?

Rachel Crawford:
Yeah... do you want to be buried or cremated?

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
Surprise me.

Carl Otis Winslow:
[trying to scoop the ashes back into the urn] Lord, forgive me if I come up a foot short!

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
I call Waldo Faldo up.

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
O.k., but I'm not Home.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Waldo... come to the Witness Stand.

Laura Lee Winslow:
O.k. Waldo, you may go now.

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
Oh, no thanks, I went before I left.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
State your name.

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
Illinois.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Uh... no, Waldo, state your name. Not name your state.

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
Oh, cool. Waldo Faldo... from Illinois.

Carl Otis Winslow:
[after being frightened by Pablo, the stick bug] Did you see the size of that thing?

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
I'll bet that's what the bug was thinking, too!

[Steve and Carl are playing Gin Rummy when an infuriated, Eddie and Laura come into the house.]

Laura Lee Winslow:
It was just a little practical joke.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Well it wasn't funny. How would you like it if I put Jheri Curl in your deodorant?

[Steve has just fallen off the tree and onto the Coopers' pet Doberman, Damien. Carl enters her room with Eddie, who is struggling to stifle his laughter.]

Carl Otis Winslow:
Laura, what's going on in here?

Laura Lee Winslow:
Well I guess Steve was practicing his accordion. He woke me up too.

Carl Otis Winslow:
That boy is Looney Tunes. Well if he does it again, I'm gonna grab his bellows and make a wish.

Eddie:
[after he has heard her quickly renouncing her love for him] Myrtle, what's my life going to be like without you in it?

Myrtle Urkel:
Frankly my dear, I just don't give a damn.

[Myrtle leaves and Eddie is depressed]

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Laura this elixir will improve my coordination, my posture, my vocal intonation, and I might even sprout a chest hair or two.

Laura Lee Winslow:
First you better sprout a chest.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
[Steve as Stefan] Steve? Steve who?

Laura Lee Winslow:
Steve Urkel. You.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
No no no no no. There is no Steve here. I'm Stefan sweet thing. Stefan Urquelle

Harriette Winslow:
Are your parents happy with the new you?

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Oh they love the new me. In fact, they finally introduced me to my grandparents.

Sara Sue Pettyjohn:
[stuck up toward Myrtle's lack of style and class] That's the difference between *old* money and *new* money.

Myrtle Urkel:
Oh, how true, how true! Old money has more wrinkles!

Sara Sue Pettyjohn:
[gasps and leaves]

Edward 'Eddie' Winslow:
[laughing] Good one, Myrtle!

[in their 1940s personas]

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
What's your aunt's name, who'd want to kill her, and who do you like in the World Series?

Laura Lee Winslow:
Rachel Crawfish, you got me, and I like the St. Louis Cardinals.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
[voiceover, as Johnny Danger] So there I was, staring death right in the face. Was I about to take the Big Sleep?

[normal dialogue]

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Well, what are you waiting for?

Laura Lee Winslow:
[as Laura Wigglesworth, pointing a gun at Johnny] The narration to finish!

[in the 1940s as Johnny Danger]

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
[to Officer Wigglesworth as played by Carl] We're on the same side of the law. There's room for you and there's room for me... although let's be quite honest, you take up a lot more room than me.

[in their 1940s personas]

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
What's your aunt's name, who'd want to kill her, and who do you like in the World Series?

Laura Lee Winslow:
Rachel Crawfish, you got me, and I like the St. Louis Cardinals.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Rachel Crawfish? Why would anybody want to kill her? And I like the Red Sox.

Laura Lee Winslow:
That's right, I don't know, and I still like the Cards.

Harriette Winslow:
Laura, you've had your head in those books all morning, got a big test coming up?

Laura Lee Winslow:
Nope, this is Black History Month. Did you know an African American helped design the blueprint for Washington, D.C.?

Carl Otis Winslow:
Yep, Benjamin Banneker.

Laura Lee Winslow:
Hey, not bad.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Hey, your old man's read a book or two.

Laura Lee Winslow:
Now, for the championship and the toaster oven, who made the first patented shoe sewing machine?

Carl Otis Winslow:
Uh, uh...

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
Buzz!

Laura Lee Winslow:
Grandma!

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
It was Jan Matzeliger, in 1883.

Laura Lee Winslow:
Yeah, that's right, how'd you know?

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
Who do you think bought his first pair of shoes?

Harriette Winslow:
Now here's something I didn't know. Alexandre Dumas was black.

Carl Otis Winslow:
The guy who wrote The Three Musketeers?

Harriette Winslow:
Yeah.

Laura Lee Winslow:
Most people don't know that.

Harriette Winslow:
Why? Don't they teach Black History at your school?

Laura Lee Winslow:
Yeah, but only for one month.

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
That's one month longer than they taught it to me.

Laura Lee Winslow:
Well that really bugs me. I mean we've made contributions to this country for over 300 years, but you wouldn't know it looking at most history books, it's not fair.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Well sweetheart, if you feel that strongly about it, maybe you should do something about it.

Laura Lee Winslow:
Maybe I will.

Maxine:
Ugh, what is this? [picks up a single serving container of gross looking food in the cafeteria]

Laura Lee Winslow:
If you have to ask, pass.

Laura Lee Winslow:
Hey, my locker's open! [finds a note hanging on the door] Oh my God.

Steve Urkel:
Laura, what's wrong?

Laura Lee Winslow:
[reading note] 'If you want black history, go back to Africa'.

Steve Urkel:
What? [takes note and crumbles it, Laura slams locker door, revealing the word 'N*gger' spray painted on it]

Carl Otis Winslow:
How's she doing?

Harriette Winslow:
She's still pretty upset, she wouldn't even touch her dinner.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Well Harriette, what are those people teaching down at that school? Their own version of the 3 R's? Reading, 'Riting and Racism?

Harriette Winslow:
Carl, calm down, it's not the school's fault.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Well is she still crying?

Harriette Winslow:
Every time she stops, she starts all over again. [Carl hits the mantel] Carl.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Harriette, I just feel so helpless! My daughter's been hurt and I can't do a thing about it. I can't even tell her it won't ever happen again!

Harriette Winslow:
I know. You know, I was exposed to this sort of thing when I was growing up, but I always hoped it would be different for my kids.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Come on, Harriette! The people that did this to us are teaching the same GARBAGE to their kids.

Harriette Winslow:
Carl, I'm up in Laura's room and she looks at me, and she asks 'Why, Mom? Why would somebody do this to me?' And I hear myself telling her the same things my mother told me. "Some people are ignorant, they're afraid, they hate anybody and anything that's different."

Carl Otis Winslow:
And what'd she say?

Harriette Winslow:
She looked at me with tears in her eyes, and she said "Why, Mom?"

Carl Otis Winslow:
[Laura comes home distraught] Laura, what happened?

Laura Lee Winslow:
[in tears] Daddy, everything's a mess!

Harriette Winslow:
Laura, did somebody do something to you?

Laura Lee Winslow:
No, it's the whole school! The black kids won't talk to the white kids, people are calling each other names, taking sides! And it's all my fault.

Carl Otis Winslow:
*Your* fault?

Laura Lee Winslow:
If I hadn't started that petition, none of this would've happened. I just wanted to make things better but I ended up making them worse!

Harriette Winslow:
Honey, that's not true. None of this is your fault.

Carl Otis Winslow:
That's right, that petition was a great idea.

Laura Lee Winslow:
No it wasn't. I wish I'd never done it. I just wish it would all go away, Daddy. [cries]

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
Laura, do you mind if your old grandmother tells you a story?

Laura Lee Winslow:
Grandma, you're not old.

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
Good answer! No wonder you're my favorite grandchild.

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
Laura, when I was about your age, I LOVED to read, just like you. But our little town only had ONE library, and it was for whites only.

Laura Lee Winslow:
You couldn't check out a book?

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
I couldn't even go in. And even then I knew it wasn't right. So one day I decided to do something about it. So I walked in the library, sugar, I couldn't believe my eyes, there were THOUSANDS of books just sitting there waiting to be read.

Laura Lee Winslow:
Did they let you take one?

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
The librarian, a white man that I'd known all my life, pushed me out into the street and told me never to come back.

Laura Lee Winslow:
Did you cry?

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
All the way home, and the next day I cried all the way back to the library.

Laura Lee Winslow:
You went back?

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
Every day for 6 months. People stopped and starred, called me names, and some even spit at me.

Laura Lee Winslow:
Weren't you scared?

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
Was I ever! And sometimes I was sorry I ever started the whole thing, but I didn't quit. Finally, one rainy day, I walked in dripping wet, and that same man that pushed me out, shook his head and gave me a library card. And from that day on, EVERYBODY could use that library.

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
[to Laura] Sugar, I realize you're having a hard time, but you've got to stand up for whatever you believe in, or things will never change. This library card is proof that ONE person can make a difference. You understand? Come here, let me give you some sugar. [kisses Laura] Love you.

Ms. Steuben:
[after seeing Waldo's assignment] Waldo, this is superior work. I'm going to give you an 'A'.

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
Wow. I never got an 'A' before. Could you write that 'A' down on a piece of paper? I wanna read it to my mom.

Steven Quincy Urkel:
Come on, yeast! Rise! You can do it!

Ms. Steuben:
Steve, it's not a good sign when you have to give your bread a pep talk.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Hey sweetheart, how about some pie?

Harriette Winslow:
That's sounds good.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Yeah, bring me a slice.

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
Carl, you lazy slug! Get up and get your own pie!

Carl Otis Winslow:
Yes, Mother!

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
As long as you're up, bring me a piece.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
[under laughing gas, laughing] I just realized, your name is Doctor Smiley. [laughs] But you never smile! Getting you to smile would be like pulling teeth! [laughs]

Harriette Winslow:
[Eddie got pulled over by the cops, and a ticket] What was the problem?

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Failure to signal.

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
I got one of those once, did you know the sidewalk isn't a passing lane?

Carl Otis Winslow:
[ordering in a coffee shop] Just a bearclaw and a coffee. [stares at the racist cop] Black.

Carl Otis Winslow:
[to the racist cop who pulled Eddie over] You know, I don't know how that badge stays up, because it's pinned to sludge.

Harriette Winslow:
What a miserable evening.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Calm down, Harriette, you're overreacting.

Harriette Winslow:
I am not! I don't ever want to go to that restaurant again

Carl Otis Winslow:
[to himself] That's just was well because we might not be allowed to go back into that restaurant again.

Harriette Winslow:
WHAT?

Carl Otis Winslow:
Oh nothing, never mind!

Harriette Winslow:
Oh no no no. Don't nothing, never mind me, Carl. If you have something to say, just spit it out.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Alright Harriette, you were a liiiiiiiittle abrasive tonight.

Harriette Winslow:
Abrasive? I was not abrasive.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Well yeah. Maybe abrasive is the wrong word. Maybe a better word is Loud.

Harriette Winslow:
LOUD?

Carl Otis Winslow:
Like that. And you got LOUDER every time you made the Maitre D move us to another table.

Harriette Winslow:
Carl, out first table was next to the entrance where everybody was waiting to be seated. I do not like 30 people hanging around my shoulder, saying "Hey Senora, can you eat a little faster?"

Carl Otis Winslow:
I understand that. So they picked up all our stuff and moved us.

Harriette Winslow:
Yeah. right next to the bathroom. Ordinarily, I like a table right next to the water. Not when it's swirling around a porcelain tank.

Carl Otis Winslow:
I understand that. So they picked up all out stuff and moved us again.

Harriette Winslow:
And deliberately sat us next to a cigar smoker.

Carl Otis Winslow:
You know you were rude to that guy, Harriette.

Harriette Winslow:
I simply put out his cigar.

Carl Otis Winslow:
In his soup.

Harriette Winslow:
Did I embarrass you, Carl? Is that the problem?

Carl Otis Winslow:
Yes, Harriette! To be quite frank I was embarrassed and so were all the other customers.

Harriette Winslow:
No, they weren't.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Harriette, they applauded when we left. The valet gave me a tip.

Harriette Winslow:
[retrieves a coupon from her purse] Ohhh no no no, Carl! You're wrong, the maitre'd gave me a two for one coupon.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Look at it again, Harriette. It's to another restaurant.

Harriette Winslow:
Carl I am not a weak, wimpy woman whose afraida to speak her mind. Whem I'm unhappy about something, I say so.

[removes Carl's napkin from his shirt and tosses it on the coffee table]

Harriette Winslow:
And it would be nice if you would support me sometimes instead of hiding behind your napkin and caring what the other people think.

Carl Otis Winslow:
I do not care what other people think.

Harriette Winslow:
You most certainly do.

Carl Otis Winslow:
I do not and keep your voice down the neighbors might hear you.

[Urkel is playing Danny Boy on his Swiss Melody Chimes and Carl is furiously awaken by it. He heads downstairs to confront Steve]

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Big Guy, what are you up? It's late.

Carl Otis Winslow:
I know. What are you doing with these bells?

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
No. No. No. Not bells, Swiss Melody Chimes.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Get rid of them!

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
All right. Alright. No more chimes. Now you sleep tighty-tighy with all your mighty-might.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Thank you.

[He leaves and minutes later Urkel is playing Danny Boy on his accordion]

Carl Otis Winslow:
STEVEEEEE!

Carl Otis Winslow:
Tell me Harriet, before I left for work this morning, did I or did I not tell Edward to empty the trash can?

Harriette Winslow:
Yes you did.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Well guess what Harriet, it's not empty. It is not empty at all. In fact, do you know what it is Harriet?

Harriette Winslow:
Full?

Carl Otis Winslow:
It's full, Harriet! Heapingly, overflowingly, full!

Harriette Winslow:
So what you're saying is... it's full.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Don't get cute with me Harriet. I want to know why my instructions were not followed.

Harriette Winslow:
Well, Eddie said something came up, but he promised he'd empty the trash tomorrow.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Tomorrow. It's always tomorrow with that boy! Take out the trash Edward, "Tomorrow Dad!" Clean up your room Edward. "Tomorrow Dad!" Pass the salt, Edward. "Tomorrow Dad!"

Steve Urkel:
[singing] Fishing on Lake Wannamuk. Doo da doo da. Seems I'm having all the luck. All the doo da day.

Carl:
Steve.

Steve Urkel:
Having all the luck!

Carl:
Steve!

Steve Urkel:
Having all the luck!

Carl:
STEVE!

Steve Urkel:
Hmm?

Carl:
You know, the only thing worse than not catching any fish is hearing you sing about it.

[Rachel walks into the living room with Richie's broken penguin beak, coutesy of a jealous Judy]

Rachel Crawford:
Harriette, we've got to talk.

[She stops to face Laura]

Rachel Crawford:
Kleenex?

Laura Lee Winslow:
Socks.

Rachel Crawford:
Oh. You mother once tried bean bags.

[Steve is in the kitchen recovering from Laura and her sock stuffed b*obs. He's fanning his hace with a plate as Eddie walks in]

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Hey Steve, Was'sup?

Steve Urkel:
My Blood pressure. A few minutes ago, I just saw Laura and I fanted.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Why?

Steve Urkel:
Why? Weel Good Lord man, she's an overnight success story. Why she is woman, hear me roar.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Dad, when are we leaving?

Carl:
What are you talking about? We're having big fun here.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Oh really, why wasn't I told?

Carl:
Are you implying that you're not having a good time?

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
[Stands up] Dad, I'm not implying. I'm telling you straight out, I hate this.

Carl:
[Stands up and faces Eddie] Why?

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Well for one thing, I can't feel my toes.

Steve Urkel:
Uh-oh, Mr.Frostbite. Oh when he shows up, it's amputation time.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Oh great, I'm gonna lose my toes.

Steve Urkel:
Well the good news is, my dad will do the operation for you. The bad news is, he'll charge you an arm and a leg.

[laughs and snorts]

Steven Quincy Urkel:
Look, you've got this big bed. Why can't we share?

Laura Lee Winslow:
Does shag carpet also make you crazy? Forget it, Steve.

Steven Quincy Urkel:
Well, then where am I gonna sleep?

Laura Lee Winslow:
I don't know, and quite frankly, I'm tired of thinking about it. Grab a blanket and go sleep in the bathtub.

Steven Quincy Urkel:
But Laura...

Laura Lee Winslow:
Go!

Steven Quincy Urkel:
[Grabs a blanket and a pillow and heads to the bathroom only to rush back out seconds later] No!

[Thunderclap]

Steven Quincy Urkel:
I will *not* sleep in the bathtub! *You're* gonna sleep in the bathtub!

Laura Lee Winslow:
What?

Steven Quincy Urkel:
I wasn't the one who overslept, Ms. Rip Van Winslow. I tried to help you!

Laura Lee Winslow:
I know...

Steven Quincy Urkel:
Don't interrupt me! Then, I drove you here in *my* car, and were you pleasant company? No!

Laura Lee Winslow:
Steve...

Steven Quincy Urkel:
I'm not through! Then, you broke my car, and it cost me every cent I got to fix it and rent this "delightful" room here at the "Fleabag Inn".

Laura Lee Winslow:
Steve, if...

Steven Quincy Urkel:
Oh, put a cork in it, Missy! Look, I love you with all my heart, but just because you don't love me back doesn't give you the right to treat me like dirt! I'm a person, and I have feelings, and I demand to be treated with respect and dignity!

Laura Lee Winslow:
Steve, could you go a little faster? We're getting dirty looks from old people!

Steven Quincy Urkel:
But I'm going the recommended cruising speed for this vehicle Any more could be risky.

Laura Lee Winslow:
Let's just take that risk. Let's just get there! [steps on the gas]

Steven Quincy Urkel:
Land sakes, woman. Have you taken leave of your senses?

Laura Lee Winslow:
How fast are we going now?

Steven Quincy Urkel:
Gee, I don't know, the speedometer only goes to thirty.

[the car breaks down. Steve looks at Laura]

Laura Lee Winslow:
Did I do that?

[At The Winslow home in the alternate world]

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
I'm flat broke, dad. Can you give me some money so I can finish my Christmas shopping?

Carl Otis Winslow:
[Grabs his wallet] How much do you need?

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Well now that depends, how nice of a Christmas gift do you want.

Carl Otis Winslow:
I'll tell you what son, why not give me cash for Christmas.

[Puts his money back into his wallet]

Carl Otis Winslow:
Thanks for the present son.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Dad, cash is so impersonal.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Edward, why can't you manage money like your brother, Steve? He finished his Christmas shopping weeks ago and never asked me for a penny.

[Steve Winslow comes down the stairs]

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Hey dad. Edward! I"m going to the mall to hand out gifts to orphans kids

Carl Otis Winslow:
That's wonderful, son. [Faces Eddie] Look at him, charming, handsome, popular. Steve is the perfect son.

Laura Lee Winslow:
[Faces Ty] Steve is my brother?

Ty:
No, he's Eddie's brother. Remember you wished that Steve could find out what's it like to be you. Now you're going to find out what it's like to be Steve Urkel.

[Laura walks in the door dressed up in a stereotypical nerd fashion. Steve is embarrassed that he didn't walk out the door faster. Carl and Eddie are also shocked too]

Laura Lee Winslow:
[Urkel voice] Seasons Greetings, Winslows!

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Get lost, Laura!

Laura Lee Winslow:
Alright!

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
What're you so happy about? He just told you to get lost.

Laura Lee Winslow:
I know, but he said 'get lost, Laura'. Yesterday he said 'get lost, Fido Face!' [to Steve] I'm wearing you DOWN, baby!

Laura Lee Winslow:
If you're really my guardian angel, where're your wings and your harp?

Ty:
Actually I haven't got my wings yet and I play the keyboard.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
[about Harriette's gingerbread house] This is a work of art.

Laura Lee Winslow:
No, it's a work of Harriette, get it, Art, Harriette? [does Steve's laugh and snort]

Laura Lee Winslow:
[comes in with Mother Winslow's dress from the dry cleaners] Ugh mom, this place is really getting gross.

Harriette Winslow:
Then clean it up, I'm still on strike.

Laura Lee Winslow:
[pushes some things aside] I can't pitch in right now. I promised grandma I'd help her get ready.

Harriette Winslow:
For When?

Laura Lee Winslow:
Tonight is the charity bachelor auction.

Harriette Winslow:
Oh lord. Remember last year when she bought that date with the retired underwear model.

Laura Lee Winslow:
Then she demanded her money back when she found out that she modeled ladies underwear.

[Harriette laughs as Laura leaves the living room to help Mother Winslow get ready]

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
[driving off] Would you relax, Steve? Clarence has under control. Besides it's just a joy ride what could go wrong?

[Eddie, Clarence and Steve are arrested by the police for theft.]

Clarence:
Dude, you a serious little nerd.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
No, I *am* a serious little nerd. Am is a verb, verbs are our friends.

Clarence:
[walking into the Winslow house] Well if it ain't the Partridge family. What's for dinner, milk and cookies?

Carl Otis Winslow:
He's trouble. At the airport he picked up 6 bags.

Harriette Winslow:
What's wrong with that?

Carl Otis Winslow:
Only 2 of them were his.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
I have been scared straight, I saw a guy who had a tattoo of a battleship.

Laura Lee Winslow:
So?

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
It was on his tongue!

Harriette Winslow:
So how're things back home?

Clarence:
Stupid.

Harriette Winslow:
Excuse me?

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
Harriette, stupid means good.

Harriette Winslow:
How was your trip?

Clarence:
L.

Harriette Winslow:
What's the matter, not feeling well?

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
L means lousy. You need to get out more.

Halawna, Oneisha:
[pop up in the car Clarence stole] Surprise!

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
[shocked] And he brought hooters!

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
That's hotties, Steve.

Laura Lee Winslow:
What're you guys going to see at the dinner theater?

Harriette Winslow:
Bye Bye Birdie.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Or in my case, Hello Rubber Chicken.

Steve Urkel:
[shows up in the living room with his flowers from the cemetery] Hi Laura, these are for you. Wow, are you wearing a bra?

Harriette Winslow:
[Opens the candy box] Candy missing.

Carl Otis Winslow:
There was an E.Coli scale in the chocolate and I tasted a few to make sure the box was safe.

Harriette Winslow:
You're a brave man.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Hey, I'm here for you, baby.

Harriette Winslow:
These flowers are... not fresh.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Yeah, well. I probably had the heater up on high and they wilted. Read the card, read the card.

[Harriette reads the card]

Harriette Winslow:
[feigns being touched] Oh, Carl this is beautiful.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Hey, I mean every word, sweetheart.

Harriette Winslow:
And you meant every word 8 years ago.

Carl Otis Winslow:
[shocked] Huh?

Harriette Winslow:
Carl, I save every card you give me.

Carl Otis Winslow:
I know that!

Harriette Winslow:
And I always mark the year, you gave it to me.

Carl Otis Winslow:
I didn't know that.

Harriette Winslow:
Carl, you snuck into my card box and gave me a card that I already have. Didn't you?

Carl Otis Winslow:
Might have. But honey, let's put a positive spin on it. Let's call it recycling.

Harriette Winslow:
No, Carl let's call it what it really is, Cheap and Lazy.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Oh, now Harriette, that's a bit harsh.

Harriette Winslow:
Harsh? Carl, you given me a half-eaten box of candy. Some Sorry looking roses that are 3 hours away from potpourri. And to top it all off you gave me an old card that I already have.

Cop:
[Searching Willie and Waldo] Ok, where did you hide the booze?

Willie Fuffner:
I don't know what you're talking about, officer.

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
[reveals his empty jacket] He meant the booze that came out of my jacket.

[Willie is upset at Waldo as Laura shows up to the crime. She imforms Maxine that Steve is safe and Rachel has just taken him home]

Willie Fuffner:
See officer, everything is fine. We were just having a little fun

Laura Lee Winslow:
Fun? Steve could've been killed.

Willie Fuffner:
But he wasn't, so chill out ok.

Laura Lee Winslow:
You just don't get it, do you. You think it's cool to come to a prty with a mini bar in your coat. You think it's funny to spike somebody's punch and watch them act like a fool. Well it's not cool. It's not funny, it's dangerous.

Cop:
It's also against the law. [He and his partner grabs Willie and Waldo]

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
Where are we going, Willie?

Willie Fuffner:
Jail, I guess.

Cop:
You two are going to juvenile hall until your parents pick you up

Willie Fuffner:
Do we get a phone call?

Cop:
One call.

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
Can it be a 976 number?

[Willie grabs Waldo and takes him with the cops who arrested them]

[Steve has humiliated Willie at the party that he grabs a small glass of Vodka and pours it into Urkel's cup]

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
What'cha gonna do, Willie?

Willie Fuffner:
I'm gonna get Urkel.

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
Why are ya gonna do that, Willie?

Willie Fuffner:
Because he humilated me.

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
But you humilate me everyday.

Willie Fuffner:
That's different, you're my friend.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
It's a tradition in the Urkel family to not consummate the marriage for three months.

Laura Lee Winslow:
But Steve...

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Ok, you talked me into it. [Steve goes to answer the door] I'm going to consummate, I'm going to consummate.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
[last lines of the series] Do I get a welcome home kiss?

Laura Lee Winslow:
On one condition.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
What's that?

Laura Lee Winslow:
That you'll never go into outer space again.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Only when we kiss, Laura Lee, only when we kiss [they passionately kiss]

Laura Lee Winslow:
Steve?

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Yeah?

Laura Lee Winslow:
What you did for me tonight was really special. It meant a lot to me. And I know that baseball card meant a lot to you. The truth is... you deserve a kiss.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
You mean, you want to kiss me?

Laura Lee Winslow:
I didn't say that.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
[after Steve, Eddie & Waldo sang 'My Girl'] Don't we remind you of The Temptations?

Laura Lee Winslow:
No! More like The Repulsions.

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
[talking to Eddie] Man, they didn't even know who we were. And we practiced for six minutes!

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Laura, suppose I arrange for you to meet Johnny Gill personally. Would you like that?

Laura Lee Winslow:
I'd love it, but...

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Oh, no buts! Suppose I made it happen. Would you reward me with a kiss?

Laura Lee Winslow:
Sure. I'd lay one on you that would weld your glasses to your face.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
My uncle, Elijah Urkel, has been struck by lightning four times. At a party, once, he clamped cables to his earlobes and jump-started a Volkswagen. Then there's in the summer, when we use him as a human bug zapper. He's usually knee deep in dead mosquitoes. And then there was the time we went camping and we were in dyer need of a generator and we just plugged the toaster into Uncle Elijah and the Pop Tarts were flying. [Notices Maxine & Laura left the living room] Well, I thought it was a good story.

[Carl has just gotten wind of Eddie's plans to have a flier party. This causes Steve, Waldo and Weasel to leave and Eddie laughs nervously]

Carl Otis Winslow:
Edward, who are all these kids?

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Caterer trainees.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Try again.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Fletcher has a bigger family then we thought.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Why not try the truth!

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Ok dad. Me and the guys were going to have a flyer party next Saturday when you go out of town. But Waldo messed up and put the wrong date on the flyers. All these people think the party is tonight.

[the photographer takes a snap shot of Eddie nerously laughing as Carl drives him away]

Carl Otis Winslow:
All right. Right now we're going to have a wedding, but directly after that we're going to have a funeral.

[Grabs Eddie]

[Runs to Eddie]

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Eddo, Eddo, Eddo! The nuptuals have developed a slight snafu.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
What's wrong?

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
You remember our flyer party, the one that I'm clearly on record as totally aganst.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Yeah? What about it, Steve.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
[He walks towards Eddie and pulls out a folded flyer he took out of his pant pocket. Then he unfolds it] Well Tell me again. Refresh my memory. When is that party supposed to be.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Next Saturday.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Wrong, cummerbund breath. Waldo put today's date on the flyer. Right now you have over a 100 crazed teenagers in your backyard ready to boogie.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
What?

[Runs with Steve to confront Waldo and Weasel]

[Eddie tries to flirt with a cute girl, unaware that Carl is behind him]

Carl Otis Winslow:
Edward.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
[nervous laughter] Great Wedding, huh dad.

Carl Otis Winslow:
You know son, if Screwing Up ever became an Olympic event. You would win the gold.

[pulls him away]

Carl Otis Winslow:
150 extra people on what should've been a small family affair. Now can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't ground you for the rest of your life.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
We took in $2,000 dad and we want you to have it.

Carl Otis Winslow:
[Takes the money from Eddie] I love you son. You're a fine man.You'll be spending the month of May in your room, but you're a fine young man.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Waldo!

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
Was'sup.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
How could you mess this up?

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
Hey, cut me some slack. I only got the date wrong on one flyer. My mom's the one who really messed up. She xeroxed it over and over and over and over and...

[Steve covers his mouth for one second. then removes his hand]

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
...over and over and over.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
[Tries to hold Eddie from pounding their friends] Eddo. Eddo. Eddo. Easy Eddo.

Weasel:
Yeah chill. Let eserviate on the bright side.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Bright side? What bright side, Weasel?

Weasel:
[pulls out a lot of cash from his pockets] Look at this $1500 dead presidents and the homies are still coming in.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Yeah, well you have to get rid of them. This is my grandmother's wedding and... $1500. No. No. No. This isn't right Weasel. These kids are gonna ruin everything, they have to go.

Weasel:
Hey loosen up, Eduardo. Look I clued everybody in. We all stand nice and quiet until Gramps and Granny make it legal. Then we par-tay, see no problem.

Carl Otis Winslow:
[Has just gotten wind of Eddie's flyer party] Edward!

Weasel:
Problem.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Waldo, You make up 1,000 flyers

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
But I'll get writer's cramp

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Make one, then Xerox It!

Judy Winslow:
Um so Grandma are you gonna be a June bride?

Laura Lee Winslow:
[after Steve gives her a ring] This is real! Where did you get the money for this?

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
From my stay away fund- every year all my relatives send me money and hope that I won't visit them.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Laura, I know that I'm not worthy of you, but I just can't help loving you. It's like wanting to touch a star- you know you'll never reach it but you've just gotta keep trying.

Laura Lee Winslow:
[crying] Steve why do you always say things like that?

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
These last 2 weeks have been wonderful for me. It's the closest I'll ever get to marrying you- thats why I wanted you to have this- no strings attached- just the one to my heart.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
You won't be sorry, sir. I can assure you that we Urkels are a fine, old family, with a proud name. You know that in Kenya, "Urkel" means "a benign cyst on the foreleg of a wildebeest"?

Rachel Crawford:
Mother Winslow, guess what?

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
What?

Rachel Crawford:
Little Richie spoke his first word

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
Oh that's sweet, what did he say?

Rachel Crawford:
Mama.

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
Aww that's cute. Carl's first word was Donut.

[Carl is appalled as he has a donut in his mouth]

[Carl has just bought Harriette an exercise trampoline for her birthday. Needless to say she's not amused as he jumps on there]

Harriette Winslow:
For my birthday, you bought me an exercise trampoline.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Yes and that's not all. Dadadadada!

Harriette Winslow:
[Takes an envelope from Carl] 'Lose Weight, Feel Great at Chicago's Premiere Health Spa, Hip Whippers'. You think I'm fat.

Carl Otis Winslow:
No. no. Harriette you're the one who said you're fat. You've been saying it for weeks.

Harriette Winslow:
And you agree with me?

Carl Otis Winslow:
No. No. You know, Harriette, It's the thought that counts.

Harriette Winslow:
And you think I'm FAT?

Carl Otis Winslow:
No. No.

Harriette Winslow:
Carl Winslow, this is the most insensitive, unromantic gift I have ever received.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Weasel, you are the last person who should be giving me advice about girls. Because check this out buddy, you're alone.

Weasel:
Just temporarily.

Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
Listen, Melissa may not be a cover girl. But you know what, I find her very attractive. Let me tell you something though Weasel. If all you ever look for is the float with Miss America on it, then the whole parade is going to pass you by.

Weasel:
[Eddie leaves and Weasel gets hit by Waldo] What was that for?

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
I'm missing the parade.

Myra Monkhouse:
Eddie, Waldo? Why are you guys dressed like that?

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
Uh, uh isn't this the Zorro audition?

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Myra, your mother told me you came here, so I assumed you're becoming a nun.

Myra Monkhouse:
No, I came to visit my Aunt Monica, she's the Reverend Mother here, now why on earth would I join a convent?

Harriette Winslow:
Where did you go?

Carl Otis Winslow:
Out for a walk around the block.

Harriette Winslow:
You were gone for three hours.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Harriette, I was steamed, I didn't want to do something I'll regret.

Harriette Winslow:
Before you stormed out of the house, I forgot to mention to you that I called OGD's Grandmother back in Detroit.

Carl Otis Winslow:
What's her name, UPS?

Harriette Winslow:
Carl!

Carl Otis Winslow:
What did she have to say?

Harriette Winslow:
She says OGD's a great kid, but he hasn't had it easy in his life.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Harriette, that kid is bad news. He acts like a gangster, gangsters hate cops.

Harriette Winslow:
You have to understand, back in Detroit where he's from, the police are considered the enemy, so he doesn't trust them. He doesn't have the advantages to see how good the cops are like our kids have. Let's just hope we can rub off on him before he rubs off on 3J.

Carl Otis Winslow:
All right.

[they decide to give OGD a chance]

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Hello.

Stefan Urquelle:
Steve, what's up with your cousin? He interruped my phone call meant for Laura

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
I'll show him.

[Calls Laura's Cell and gets OGD instead]

Cornelius Eugene Urkel aka OGD:
Yo.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Cornelius Eugene Urkel, you have better find a good excuse to leave town soon.

Stefan Urquelle:
You can take a bus or an airplane. Anywhere away from my Laura.

Cornelius Eugene Urkel aka OGD:
That's big talk coming from a guy in Italy.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
I'll have you know, I'm not in Italy. And I'll be coming home tomorrow.

Carl Otis Winslow:
After you left, I saw your boy Fresh Squeeze at the door.

Cornelius Eugene Urkel aka OGD:
Bye. With Squeeze I'm not safe nowhere.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Well I talked to your boy Squeeze and he won't be bothering you for a long time.

Cornelius Eugene Urkel aka OGD:
You paid him off

Carl Otis Winslow:
Better, I locked him up.

Cornelius Eugene Urkel aka OGD:
Serious. How did you know?

Carl Otis Winslow:
I recognized him right away. He held operations in Chicago. He left the minute we put a warrant up for his arrest. But I recognized him right away.

Cornelius Eugene Urkel aka OGD:
He must've been dangerous. What did you do?

Carl Otis Winslow:
I told him I was taking him over to see you. On the way to the Sizzle Club, I took a little detour to the precinct. You should've seen the look on his face when he saw five officers surrounded my car and said Surprise!

Cornelius Eugene Urkel aka OGD:
Oh man I didn't think you were this cool. Sorry. I'll grab my stuff and I'll be out of here tomorrow.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Well there's no rush. You can stay.

Cornelius Eugene Urkel aka OGD:
You all right, Mr.W

Carl Otis Winslow:
You too, OGD

[he teaches Carl how to handshake in his neighborhood. OGD now knows the police aren't enemies]

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Laura, I kept this ring in hopes that one day you would accept it. Now I know, I'm not worthy of you- but I love you more now then I did then- Laura Lee Winslow- will you marry me?

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Hmm hmm hmm hmmm hmmm hmm hmm... Gun, Carl. Gun, Carl. Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm. Pull your gun right now.

Carl Otis Winslow:
I didn't bring my gun. I don't know what to say.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
What the heck is wrong with you?

Snap, Sidekick:
[with the Serpents] All the doo-dah day.

[Greg has just sat down next to Laura]

Greg:
Hi, Laura.

Laura Lee Winslow:
Hello Greg.

Greg:
Are you ok?

Laura Lee Winslow:
No, it really bugs me that Steve is the only guy with enough guts to stand up to Willie.

[Greg leaves as Willie walks in with Waldo and the crowd boos him. Then Urkel shows up with Eddie and Carl and the crowd cheers for him]

[Walks over to Willie Fuffner]

Steven Quincy "Steve" Urkel:
Fuffner, I've heard of some low things in my time, but forcing Laura to go to the dance with me is plain dispicable.

Willie Fuffner:
[Wipes his own mouth] Thank you.

Steven Quincy "Steve" Urkel:
[Unstraps his gloves] Sir, not only have you harrassed and insulted me, but you have sullied the reputation of my lady love.

[slaps Willie with his gloved hand]

Steven Quincy "Steve" Urkel:
I demand satisfaction.

Willie Fuffner:
He hit me with a mitten.

Waldo Faldo:
Be careful he has another one.

Willie Fuffner:
[Grabs Steves gloves] Urkel, you are dead meat!

Steven Quincy "Steve" Urkel:
[is chased and hides behind a jock] Hold me back, hold me back.

[Comes out and fights Willie as the students cheer for a fight between Urkel and Fuffner]

[Waldo and Wille has just gotten out of class to trash Urkel's locker]

Waldo Faldo:
Whacha gonna do Willie?

Willie Fuffner:
I'm gonna trash Urkel's locker.

Waldo Faldo:
Why are ya gonna do that, Willie?

Willie Fuffner:
Cause it's Tuesday.

Waldo Faldo:
Again?

Harriette:
This feud between you and Nick is getting out of control. When's it going to end?

Carl:
When I bulldoze his house!

Harriette:
Don't even think like that. You're setting a bad example for the kids. Yesterday Richie and 3J were playing 'Nick and Carl'.

Carl:
'Nick and Carl'?

Harriette:
Yep, they were yelling at each other and bumping bellies.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
[to a sorority girl] That dress is so... tight! I can almost see what you had for lunch!

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
I almost wore that same suit.

Lionel:
Really? Hey, what were you doing in my closet?

Laura Lee Winslow:
This is a geek party.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Well of course it's a Greek party, it's a sorority!

Laura Lee Winslow:
No no no, a GEEK party, as in nerd, doofus.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Allison, is that true?

Allison:
Look, we're just having a little harmless fun.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
When you're hurting other people it ain't harmless. I'll tell you something else, Allison, I may not be the most trendy guy on campus, or the best looking and I'm CERTAINLY not the most coordinated. But I like myself, and that makes me cool.

Laura Lee Winslow:
One of them is my best friend.

Allison:
Well then you better find some new friends, or you better plan to join a different sororiety.

Laura Lee Winslow:
Oh you're not a sorority, you're a bunch of vicious, stuck up barracudas with teased hair and push up bras.

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
[to Carl] I know you're stubborn as a mule but you don't have to act like a jackass!

Carl Otis Winslow:
[trying to convince his boss that using Urkelbot is a bad idea] But Sir, you and I have been to the Police Academy. We are properly trained.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Well, so is Urkelbot! Why, I guarantee you he has studied the best! Check it out:

Urkelbot:
[Dirty Harry Impression] Go ahead, punk! Make my day!

Urkelbot:
[Kojack Impression] Who loves ya, baby!

Urkelbot:
[Joe Friday Impression] Just the facts, ma'am.

Robber:
[holding up the convenience store where Carl, Steve, and Urkelbot are undercover, threatening Carl with a gun] You! Empty the cash register!

Robber:
[threatens Steve] You! Get me a cherry slurpy!

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
What size?

Robber:
Surprise me!

Urkelbot:
[sneaks up behind the robber and surprises him] Freeze! You are under arrest! You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to have an attorney present.

Robber:
Shut up! What are you?

Urkelbot:
I'm you're worst nightmare.

Robber:
Oh yeah? [opens fire at Urkelbot who catches all the rounds in his hand]

Urkelbot:
[Urkelbot walks up to the robber and drops the bullets on the floor before lifting the robber off the floor with one hand]

Urkelbot:
[Terminator Impression] Hasta la vista, baby! [Urkelbot throws robber into a pile of soupcans]

Harriette Winslow:
You can't blame them for walking, Eddie. That wasn't a rock video. That was a love letter to Eddie Winslow from Eddie Winslow.

Carl Otis Winslow:
[packing up the camping gear] Boy that was great, a family weekend in the wilderness. No phones. No Traffic.

Laura Lee Winslow:
No surprise visits from Steve Urkel.

Steve Urkel:
[opens the back door] Surprise.

Rodney Beckett:
[after seeing Eddie's music video] I can't believe it. Urkel, the camera was on Eddie the whole time.

Steve Urkel:
Hey, I was following Eddie's instructions.

Rachel Crawford:
Exactly what were Eddie's instructions?

Steve Urkel:
To keep the camera on him and forget all the other meatheads.

Jerry, Kyle:
What?

Steve Urkel:
[points to Eddie] His words, not mine.

Steve Urkel:
[about the music video] This is going to be the biggest bomb since Howard the Duck.

Harriette Winslow, Carl Otis Winslow, Laura Lee Winslow, Rachel Crawford, Estelle 'Mother' Winslow, Judy Winslow, Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow:
[in the rap video] We are a family, we share all we got and that's easy to see, cuz we are a family!

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
[talking to Chondra in the bar about Maxine] Aww, yeah, she's a sweetheart but if she caught us in here together she'd rip off your arm and beat me with it.

Laura Lee Winslow:
[Laura grabs Steve and his clone on their ears] Okay, let's take a moment and figure out what we learned here.

Myra Monkhouse:
Um, one plus one equals fun?

Laura Lee Winslow:
No, I think we learned that Steve's experiments has gone too far.

Laura Lee Winslow:
Aunt Rachel, take little Richie, the Murphy twins are giving each other haircuts in the backyard!

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
Harriette, there is a child outside digging up your azaleas. [sees the kids] Oh my Lord!

Harriette Winslow:
Mother Winslow, take all the toddlers up to your room. All kids 7 and up go to Eddie's room and play Nintendo. Laura and Judy, divide up the rest between Barbie doll fans and Lego lovers and get them upstairs too!

Stevil:
I want your soul!

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Well why don't you take the guy's next door? He's a lawyer! He's never used his!

Laura Lee Winslow:
Did you get any sleep?

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Yeah, I went to sleep and Stevil made a guest appearance. It was the most terrifying five minutes of my life, second only to watching Lord of the Dance!

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Stevil was back and he was coming for my soul!

Carl Otis Winslow:
Oh gee that'd scare me.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
It would?

Carl Otis Winslow:
Yeah. [puts his thumb as his mouth, baby voice] If I were five.

Stevil:
We've got plans.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
What kind of plans? To rob and murder?

Carlsbad:
No, we're going to Vegas!

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
[to Carl] Worse.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
I'm not dreaming anymore. I had 8 shots of Espresso, a 6-pack of Jolt Cola, and a large bowl of Froot Loops with extra sugar. You don't sleep, you don't have nightmares.

[after Carl as defeated Turbo with ease, Harriette runs up to him with her purse]

Harriette Winslow:
You hit my husband again and you'll have to answer to me.

[Turbo goes down again with her purse]

Larry Csonka:
Yes, spread the word. Don't mess with Mrs.Bonecrusher!

Harriette Winslow:
[enters the house and sees Curtis] Hi.

Curtis Williams:
Oh, hi.

Harriette Winslow:
Who the heck are you?

Curtis Williams:
I'm Curtis Williams. Me and Laura went ice skating together.

Harriette Winslow:
Oh, well it's nice to meet you, Curtis.

Laura Lee Winslow:
[enters the room] All right, Curtis. The hot chocolate will be ready soon.

Curtis Williams:
Laura, great timing. I was just talking with your grandmother.

Harriette Winslow:
Excuse me?

Laura Lee Winslow:
Oh lord, you're gonna die. Uh, Curtis. This isn't my grandmother. This is my mother.

Curtis Williams:
Oh lord, I'm gonna die.

Harriette Winslow:
Carl, those are my personal and private thoughts.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Ohohoho... and they are personal and private.

[opens Diary]

Carl Otis Winslow:
March 24th, Raoul's houseboat is beautiful

Harriette Winslow:
Carl?

Carl Otis Winslow:
I'm not finished yet. Chuck is twice the man, Raoul is. April 24th, Carl, I planted this fake diary because I knew you'd read it.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
This diary belongs to Harriette and I will not violate her privacy. And there is nothing you can do to ever change my mind.

Carl Otis Winslow:
How about if I convince Laura to go out on a date with you.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
[Opens Diary] January 1, We had a wonderful New Years Eve party, except Carl got sick and threw up in the living room.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Yeah skip that part.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
March 10, Went to the market. I've been there a 100 times, but this time was different. I met Raoul.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Raoul? Whose Raoul?

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Wait Wait. Raoul is the new produce manager. He introduced himself and I was immediately struck by deep brown eyes, his engaging sense of humor and how delicately he handled my cantalopes.

Carl Otis Winslow:
[Gasps] Why of all the low down...

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Calm down, Carl. Calm down, easy. Raoul asked me out, but I told him that I was happily married.

Carl Otis Winslow:
That a girl, Harriette.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
March 24th, Raoul's houseoat is beautiful.

Carl Otis Winslow:
What?

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
I feel so safe in Raoul's strong arms I love him soo much and I sorta like Carl.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Oh nooo.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Well hold on there big guy, listen to this. [poins to the part on Harriette's diary] Aha, it's over with me and Raoul.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Oh thank god.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Chuck is twice the man Raoul is.

Carl Otis Winslow:
CHUCK?

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Who would've thought Harriette was a bit friendly.

Judy:
Were all of Dad's friends named Darnelle?

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
Yes, those were very confusing times.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Two stalks of broccoli and three pieces of asparagus? I've had more food than this stuck in between my teeth.

Darnell Watkins:
[about Carl] This guy's about invisible. What do you use to get weighed, a postage scale?

Harriette Winslow:
You eat all that ice cream and you can kiss your diet goodbye.

Carl Otis Winslow:
[kisses the ice cream carton] Goodbye.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Society places too much emphasis on being thin. Everywhere you look, TV, movies, magazines, all these 90 pound people, smiling, dancing... where do they get the strength?

Judy:
You want the rest of my cupcake?

Laura Lee Winslow:
No, three's my limit!

Carl Otis Winslow:
[fishing for the catch of a party Eddie wants to go to] Are his parents going to be there?

Edward 'Eddie' Winslow:
Yes.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Beer?

Edward 'Eddie' Winslow:
No.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Girls?

Edward 'Eddie' Winslow:
No.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Till when?

Edward 'Eddie' Winslow:
Two.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Bingo! Book him.

Edward 'Eddie' Winslow:
The party doesn't start until 9 and my curfew's at 10.

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
That stinks. That's not enough time for Rambo to blow anything up.

Edward 'Eddie' Winslow:
That's what I said, but Dad still said no.

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
Don't you worry, I'll work on him. Your grandma is gonna fight for your right to party.

Edward 'Eddie' Winslow:
[told he can't go to the party] You mean I was nice for nothing? That's the last time I do anything for anybody in this house.

Harriette Winslow:
[gives him a tray of drinks] Here, take these with you.

Edward 'Eddie' Winslow:
Yes, Mom.

Edward 'Eddie' Winslow:
[not knowing Steve and Laura saw each other naked] All right, chicken. I'm starved. Hey Steve, would you like a breast?

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
No thanks, Eddie.

Edward 'Eddie' Winslow:
Then how 'bout a nice juicy thigh?

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Would you shut your filthy mouth!

Harriette Winslow:
[while trying to calm an apprehensive Rachel about leaving Richie overnight with the babysitter for the first time] Rachel, I know it's hard leaving your baby for the first time, but after that it gets a lot easier.

Laura Lee Winslow:
[Yelling at Judy who's trying to shove her plate in front of Eddie dishing food] Can you wait?

Judy Winslow:
No! I want some!

Harriette Winslow:
[to Rachel] Believe me!

Bushwhacker Luke:
Me and me brother, we hate cops!

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Why?

Bushwhacker Luke:
Me mother was arrested by cops last night!

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Why?

Bushwhacker Luke:
'Cause they couldn't catch her till then!

Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
[after pulling his underpants out of his jeans] Sir, would you do me the honor of autographing my boxer shorts?

Carl Otis Winslow:
Steve, Everything was Going Just fine, until You Blabbed that I was a cop.

Carl Otis Winslow:
Steve, The real Psycho Twins would have still been in the ring wrestling, If It wasn't for Your stupid sleepy juice.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
The Snooze Juice.

[Comes in the lving room with Mother Winslow as Eddie is taking his frustrations out on his sack of dirty laundry because Carl has just taken Waldo to the Chicago Bulls game instead of him]

Harriette:
That won't get the stains out.

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
Yeah, you have to use bleach.

Eddie:
I don't believe wat just happened, dad took Waldo to the bulls game.

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
Oh honey, I hope they don't cheer too hard. I got fifty bucks on the Knicks.

Eddie:
No, grandma. Dad took Waldo instead of me. Can you believe that?

Harriette:
[unsympathetic] Yes! Eddie, your father left you three messages for you and you never called him back.

Eddie:
It's not fair.

Harriette:
[still unsympathetic towards Eddie's selfishess] Fair? Was it fair that you stood your father up for bowling? And what about the car show last Saturday? Your father waited at the Box Office for an hour.

[Eddie has just realized his mistake in standing his father for the chance to go out on his date with a girl that he likes]

Eddie:
Oh no, I forgot all about the car show.

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
[sympathetically] Eddie, Carl was just about your age when he lost his dad.

Eddie:
Really?

Estelle 'Mother' Winslow:
Carl and his father planned on doing a lot of things together, but they never got the chance. You'll never know how much time you'll have together. So you have to make every minute count.

[Eddie agrees as Mother Winslow and Harriette walks out of the living room]

Carl Otis Winslow:
You look horrible. When's the last time you slept?

Laura Lee Winslow:
I'm not sure... what day is this?

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
[seeing what Laura looks like without sleep] You remind me of a movie star.

Laura Lee Winslow:
Who?

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Freddy Krueger!

[Waldo and Maxine are dancing to R&B music and professing their love for each other. While a miserable Eddie has to play checkers with Steve. Urkel defeats him]

Steve Urkel:
King me. How about the next round we switch colors?

[Eddie groans as Carl walks in to brighten his mood]

Eddie:
Dad?

Carl:
Hi son, i was thinking if we...

Eddie:
Yes we can!

[Eddie leaves with Carl to hang out with him. Undaunted, Steve switches the station to polka music and ends up having a good time dancing with Waldo and Maxine]

Carl:
By the way, thanks for letting me use your chamber, Stefan

Stefan Urkelle:
It's not just a transformation chamber. It's a cool chamber.

[Carl steps in the chamber and Stefan starts it up]

Myra Monkhouse:
No, Mr.Winslow, don't.

Stefan Urkelle:
Myra, what is it?

Myra Monkhouse:
I tinkered with your...

Stefan Urkelle:
What did you do?

Myra Monkhouse:
I rearranged the chamber. Instead of cool, it was set on Nerd.

[Stefan tries to stop the chamber and the chamber ends up being busted. When the door opens Carl appears dessed up as Steve normally dresses with his glasses]

Carl:
Hi diddeley dee, it's me.

Stefan Urkelle:
Carl, is that you?

Carl:
I sure hope so because I'm wearing his underwear.

[pulls his underwear too high]

Carl:
Oops, I gave myself a wedgie.

[laughs and snorts]

[after Carl comes out of the busted transformation chamber in an Urkel like fashion, due to Myra's tampering]

Stefan Urkelle:
Good lord, you're a nerd.

Carl:
If that's the case then I plead guilty.

Stefan Urkelle:
Oh no, I didn't shut off the machine on time. He's half-Nerd, Half-Carl.

Carl:
Does that make me a Narl?

Myra Monkhouse:
Mr.Winslow, I am very sorry. I didn't expect you to be in there and I feel like such a worm.

[the half nerd side of Carl goes into the anatomy of worms. Stefan and Myra of left stunned]

Stefan Urkelle:
Where did you learn all that?

Carl:
[in his regular voice] I have no idea.

[in an Urkel like voice]

Carl:
Stefan, you gotta help me. I can't live like this. You gotta fix that machineeeee.

Stefan Urkelle:
I'll see what I can do.

[looks over to the busted parts of the transformation chamber]

Stefan Urkelle:
I'll have to buy new parts for the chamber.

Carl:
[in an Urkel like voice and gives Stefan some money] Here takes some casher rooney and fix it sooney.

Stefan Urkelle:
Not I know that's not Carl. Ok, just give me a couple of days and I sould have it fixed.

Carl:
[Urkel Voice] In the meantime, I have to break the news to Harriette.

[skips away from Stefan and Myra towards the elevator. He breaks something a beaker along the way]

Carl:
[Urkel voice] Did I do that?

Stefan Urkelle:
[Fed up with Carl Urkel annoying him constantly] That's it, go home!

Carl:
But I don't wanna...

Stefan Urkelle:
Go home!

Carl:
But I was just...

Stefan Urkelle:
Go home, go home, GO HOME!

Carl:
I don't have to take this, I'm going home!

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
Wait just a minute here, Mr.McClure. Eddie didn't have to come back here and confess. Why he showed great strength of character and what's his reward: you fire him. Well let me tell you something sir, if that's the kind of boss you are. I don't *ever* want to work for you again.

Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel:
[Stephan] Laura Winslow, you are the sun, the rain, and the wind that flowers my soul. I love you more than life itself. Will you marry me?

Carl = Son, you have disobeyed me for a woman?

Eddie = Well, yeah!!!