Jeff Foxworthy: Totally Committed

Jeff Foxworthy:
I'd like a beer and I'd like to see something naked.

Jeff Foxworthy:
I don't even know how Jell-O works.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
Let me tell you what I'm talking about. Any other liquid that you put into the refrigerator or the freezer, and it turns into a solid; if you take it back out, it will go back to a liquid. Not Jell-O. Once Jell-O becomes...

[wobbles his hands]

Jeff Foxworthy:
...Jell-O, it is Jell-O for eternity! The only *possible* way to turn it back into a liquid is to put it in your mouth and go...

[makes sucking noises; cheers from the audience]

Jeff Foxworthy:
I feel so much better knowing so many of you know what I'm talking about. Actually, I told that joke the other night, and a woman in the front row went, "It will go back to a liquid if you put in the microwave."

[bewildered look]

Jeff Foxworthy:
How do you acquire this knowledge? You sittin' around with friends eating Jell-O, and one of them says "Oh, this Jell-O is good," and she says, "Oh, if you think it's good cold, you ought to put it in the microwave"? This woman is out driving tonight! That scares the hell out of me!

Jeff Foxworthy:
You break into my house, I *will* shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling *why* she shot you.

[in one breath and at an increasing pace]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"I shot you for coming through the window like that. You know, you ought to get a job like the rest of us. I was up at five forty-five this morning. I had to make lunch for the kids, and then I had to take them to school, then I had to go to work myself. At lunch hour, I had to go get my driver's license renewed, then I had to stop by the grocery store on the way home. Are you listening to me? Are you listening to me? If you bleed on my rug, I'm gonna shoot you again."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
By the time we get to church, I need church cuz I've been yelled at by everyone in the family.

Jeff Foxworthy:
If you see a house where the grass is this tall

[about three feet]

Jeff Foxworthy:
, with a dog chained to the clothesline and a motor swinging from a tree, buddy that's a house where a GUN lives! And if you want to find out what kind it is, just crawl through the window after dark.

Jeff Foxworthy:
Some people like to keep their grass cut really short, so they can see the intruders coming. Keep those kill zones open. I say let the grass grow tall so they don't know there's a house behind it. Some call it lazy, I say it's thinking.

Jeff Foxworthy:
[about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.

Jeff Foxworthy:
I love those little girls. And I am amazed at how smart they are. My oldest one, on her fifth birthday, got a computer. Not only got a computer, can use it! Do you remember what we got when we turned five? That little wooden paddle with the rubber band and the red ball on the end of it? That was a brain builder, wasn't it?

[mimicking using a paddle ball, running around the stage]

Jeff Foxworthy:
One, two, three, four! One, two, three! One, two! You'd play with it about five times, the rubber band would snap, the ball would fly across the room, break something, and you'd get a spanking with the paddle!

Jeff Foxworthy:
I am amazed at how smart my kids are, and how dumb I am. I am thirty-nine years old; I thought I would be smarter than this at this point in my life. I really did. And I know that I ought to be working on it, I ought to be watching the news and things, but the truth is the news has become so depressing, I can't hardly look at it any more.

[laughter and applause]

Jeff Foxworthy:
And it's gotten to the point that if it doesn't happen to Americans, I don't worry about it too much. The other night, I was watching the news and it said this bus in Pakistan went over a cliff carrying three hundred people, and I was "Good Lord!"

[pause]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"How do you get three hundred people on a bus?"

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
The things that I'm talking about not knowing, they're not mysteries of the universe; it's just stuff I thought I would know by the time I was thirty-nine.

Jeff Foxworthy:
I don't know how come my daughters only pull their dresses above their heads when I introduce them to somebody important to me.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"Girls, say hello to Reverend Leonard."

[pantomimes his daughters pulling their dresses up]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"HI!"

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"So, how do you like the Beauty and the Beast panties there? Sharp, aren't they?"

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"Yeah, they've got Snow White back at the house. Me? I'm wearing Lion King. Roar."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
You always lose expensive sunglasses and the cases that cassette tapes come in.

[laughter and appluase]

Jeff Foxworthy:
I know that when I bought them, every cassette that I had had a case. Now, I've got five hundred tapes, three cases. And whoever's stealing my good sunglasses and my cassette cases is leaving me keys.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
'Cause I've got keys. I've got keys to crap I've never owned!

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
You put all my keys together, I could be a high school janitor *tonight*.

Jeff Foxworthy:
I still don't know how much is the appropriate amount for a urine sample.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
Why won't they just put a line on that cup?

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
Every time I'm at the doctor, I'm in the bathroom for twenty or thirty minutes having an argument with myself.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"Oh, that's too much."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"I take that out there, they're just going to start laughing."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"Tell you what, I am pouring a little bit of that back."

[pantomimes doing so]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"Uh oh."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"See, I'll bet I'll need more than that."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"All right, I'll top that off."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
To me, the definition of redneck is "a glorious absence of sophistication". And it can be temporary or it can be permanent, but most of us are guilty of it, at least from time to time. Then, not long ago, I was reading this magazine article where somebody claimed that there was a shortage of sophisticated people in this country. Which I took to mean there was an abundance of people like me.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
And I started thinking about the differences, and they are vast, y'all. Like, sophisticated people invest their money in stock portfolios. Rednecks invest our money in commemorative plates.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"Yeah, that's the legends of NASCAR series right there."

[cheers and applause]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"This is probably our personal favorite: Richard Petty huggin' his momma. I can't hardly look at it without cryin'."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"Of course, that's Dale Earnhardt. He wasn't in a wreck or nothin', that's just some ketchup on his forehead."

[cheers and applause]

Jeff Foxworthy:
See, rednecks think "mutual funds" means everybody's having a good time.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
Sophisticated people have retirement plans. Rednecks play the lottery.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
That's our plan. "And when we hit the Pick Six, we're going to add a room onto the trailer so we don't have to sleep with Jim's daddy no more."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
Sophisticated people go to art auctions. Rednecks? We have yard sales.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
And the difference is at art auctions, the sale price is slowly working its way *up*. Not at a yard sale. In fact, you got enough patience, you can get a house full of furniture for a buck twenty-five.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
Remember a couple of months ago when they had all the floods in Louisiana? My wife and I were watching this on CNN, and I told her, I said "you watch. They're going to find the biggest, stupidest idiot they can find in the whole state, and they're going to show him walking chest deep in water down main street."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
And they did.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
And it was my wife's *cousin* Danny.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
Walking chest deep in water, holding an umbrella. I was just looking at her going "that's got to make you proud right there, doesn't it? That's your bloodline walking down the street."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
Then it started making me worry, 'cause I realized it was my children's bloodline, too.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
And not only am I a redneck, I'm married into rednecks. My wife is from Louisiana. That's a special breed of redneck down there. That's rednecks with hot sauce on 'em.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
And Louisiana has, guarantee you, *the* best food on this planet as long as you don't ask too many questions about what you're eating.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
I've seen her relatives hit boiling pots with wooden spoons going "get back in there!"

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"Get back in that pot right there now!"

Jeff Foxworthy:
Sophisticated people play chess. Rednecks can amuse ourselves for hours with a sheet of bubble wrap.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"Pop, pop, pop. Poppoppoppoppop."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"Oh, for heaven's sake, Joe. Let the kids play with it a while. You're gonna be late to work."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
Sophisticated people go to restaurants that require reservations. Rednecks go to restaurants that require we drive around to the second window, please.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
That is the official uniform of suspicious noises, underpants and a baseball bat. I don't know what we're hoping to find. Some guy in the living room in his underwear with a ball.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
And my dad didn't really didn't need to carry the baseball bat. 'Cause he always wore those big boxer shorts that were gapped open in the front.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
Oh, that gap is like a taser to a buglar. "Oh, shut the gap! Shut the gap!"

[takes his wallet out of his back pocket]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"Here, take *my* wallet! Just, please, shut that gap!"

[loud whoop from the audience]

Jeff Foxworthy:
You know my dad, do ya?

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
I bought new boots for the show. Can you see those?

[applause from the audience]

Jeff Foxworthy:
Blue stingray boots. Boots that make a statement. And that statement is... you can't give rednecks money.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
'Cause that's the kind of thing we do with it. Open up a savings account? Hell no! Go buy some blue stingray boots!

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
That's another big redneck trait. We buy something, we're going to wear it within twenty-four hours.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
Just because you see a redneck walk out of a store without a bag doesn't mean we didn't make a purchase.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"You didn't get nothin'?" "No, I got some underwear, I just put it on in the store."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
I love yard sales. My wife and I get up early on the weekends, trying to beat other people to this stuff.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
These people are selling junk out of their garage they don't want, we dig through it like we're going to find priceless treaures.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"Excuse me, what are these right here?" Oh, those? Those are Tupperware lids that have been warped in the dishwasher. Eight for a dime.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
[scoffing] "What the hell are we gonna do with warped Tupperware lids?"

[pause]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"Give you a nickel for 'em."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"We don't really want 'em, we just need some stuff for the yard sale we're having next weekend."

[laughter]

[to the single people in the audience]

Jeff Foxworthy:
I know you're probably saying "well, we've talked a lot about getting married, none of this applies to me. I'm not ever getting married. Nope, not the kid. I'm just gonna date, date, date, date, date, date, die.

[whoops and hollers]

Jeff Foxworthy:
Yeah, well that's what we all thought. Then you wake up one morning, you're staring at a mortgage, two kids, and a mini van going "How'd the hell this happen?"

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"I was just trying to get laid!" Well, that's how it happens!

Jeff Foxworthy:
I know single guys that can take anything a woman says and turn it into a sexual innuendo. You could have a group of people, and the woman could go "you know, I need to get my tires rotated." And I know single guys that are thinking "yeah, I'd like to rotate her tires."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
Whereas married men are going "you need to get your tires rotated? I know a place right down the street that does it. They're fast, they're cheap, as a matter of fact, I think I've got a coupon for 'em here in my wallet."

[pulls his wallet out of his pocket]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"Yes, sir. There it is, right where my condom used to be."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
I do like the permanency of marriage. I never did like breaking up with people. And I guess everybody here has broken up with somebody. We've all heard the break up lines, there's a million of 'em. I was picking out a few of my favorites, like "I need some space."

[applause]

Jeff Foxworthy:
Which is half a sentence. The rest of it is "without you in it."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
I think my all-time favorite: "I think we should start seeing other people."

[applause]

Jeff Foxworthy:
Trust me, nobody has ever said that one to you without having somebody else in mind.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
Guys, if a woman says to you "I think we should start seeing other people," trust me, she has already cut a pony from the herd, and if she ain't ridin' him yet, she *has* pulled the saddle out of the barn.

[laughter and applause]

Jeff Foxworthy:
I do believe men would take advice on relationships, but we're not going to read a magazine article about it. You've got to give it to us in some form where we'd accept it. You know, sneak it into the play-by-play at ball games. "And there's strike three, Greg Maddux really looking good today. And speaking of looking good, fellas, from time to time your woman needs to be reminded that she's still looking good to you."

[laughter, as Jeff pantomimes the "lightbulb over the head" look]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"Hey, baby? Have I told you lately you are as pretty as Greg Maddux?"

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"Baby?"

Jeff Foxworthy:
I don't why you only lose expensive sunglasses.

[laughter and applause]

Jeff Foxworthy:
You pay a lot of money for a pair of sunglasses, those things will disappear quicker than a pizza at a Weight Watchers convention.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
And you buy a pair of cheapos, you cannot get rid of them. I am convinced, you could be on a cruise in the middle of the ocean wearing a pair of cheapos, and if you looked over the side of the boat and they fell into the water, a SCUBA diver would pop up going "someone lose a pair of glasses up there?"

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"Found a pair of cheapos floating to the bottom!"

Jeff Foxworthy:
When my wife first discovered she was pregnant with our first child, she starting worrying about this little baby growing inside of her. Well, I didn't have any baby growing inside of me, I had to worry about something. I started worrying about how we were going to pay for all of this.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
Overnight, I became my own father. Just stalking through the house turning off lights.

[laughter and applause]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"Anybody in this room? Anybody going *through* this room? We're lighting up the neighborhood here, people! Listen, I've got a 75 watter in here, but I can drop her down to a 15 if we can't handle the responsibility!"

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
By the time my second child was born, I was standing outside the house staring at the meter going "turn something off! This thing is spinning like a top, turn something off! You people are killing me! Unplug something!"

[laughter]

[during the "You Might Be a Redneck If..." encore]

Jeff Foxworthy:
If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

[laughter and disgusted moans]

Jeff Foxworthy:
Let me give you a little background on that one. I am doing a radio show in Dallas, Texas, and a woman called that one in. And I just started laughing; I said "you know what makes this funny is I know you're not making it up." You know she walked into the bathroom one day, looked at her husband and said "what are you doing?"

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"Well, I am scratching my back. What does it look like?"

Jeff Foxworthy:
Actually, I think it's very big of me, as a man, to admit that I do lose things. 'Cause you know what men normally say. "Somebody stole it." I do that a lot. Walk around the house, "somebody stole the remote control!"

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
My wife's like "that's right, Jeff. Somebody broke into our home, passed up the jewelry, and stole your remote control. Not only that, but they got the case to the Doobie Brothers cassette. We're wiped out."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
Of course, she's not much better. You know what she bought me for Christmas this year? A *portable* safe!

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
[like a product advertisement] "To save thieves the hassle of gathering up your belongings, it's the portable safe! With an easy tote handle so they can take it back to the thieves' den and figure out the combination at their leisure. The portable safe, by RonCo."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
What my wife meant when she said she needed to get ready for bikini season was that she was about to go have a procedure done to her that is called a bikini wax. And to hear her describe this horror...

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
Apparently, she paid somebody.

[pause]

Jeff Foxworthy:
*Paid* somebody. To pour lava hot scalding wax on her inner thighs. And then the two of them chatted for a little while until the wax had dried, and then the women grabbed the wax and YANKED the hair out.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
If you ever hear of somebody doing this to me, rest assured there was a *gun* to my head. Because you yank the hair out of my inner thigh, I will tell you where my grandmother hides her money.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
That's the most horrible thing I've ever heard of. We should implement that as a penalty in our judicial system.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"You've been found guilty of breaking and entering. For the next twelve months, you are required to get a bikini wax every two weeks." No, Your Honor, have mercy on me! "And if I catch you back in here, you're gonna have to have a butt wax, too."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
[covering his face in embarrassment] I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from. You guys are going to be in bed tonight, asleep, I'm going to be staring at the ceiling: "Butt wax?"

[laughs to himself]

Jeff Foxworthy:
It's like something you'd buy in a drug store, doesn't it? But not an impulse purchase, no.

[pause]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"Excuse me, what aisle is the butt wax on, please?" Do you want the scented or the unscented butt wax? "I need the unscented. There's a lot of dogs in our neighborhood."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not *worth* protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
[about sex] Some people say "you know, sexually, it's more exciting when you're single." I don't know about that. You ever try to have sex with two little kids in the same house?

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
My wife and I put our kids to bed, we're running down the hall like we're hitting the beaches at Normandy.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
[as himself] "Go baby, go baby, go baby, go baby!"

Jeff Foxworthy:
[as one of his daughters] "DADDY!"

Jeff Foxworthy:
[as himself, pretending as if he's been shot] "Ah, they got me!"

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
"Start without me!"