Bottom, Series 3

Richie:
Well yes, I can see your point.

Eddie:
It's this new skirt, it racks up very easily.

Richie:
Splice my sausages!

Eddie:
Cor Lummy!

Richie:
Christmas Pudding!

Eddie:
Blood and Stomach Pills!

Richie:
... hey Eddie!

Eddie:
What?

Richie:
We really know how to swear, don't we?

Eddie [Swearwords bleeped on TV]:
You (f***ing) well hit the (clit) right on the nail there, you (cunting) bastard.

Richie:
Eddie, how do I look?

Eddie:
...well, you use your eyes, don't you?

[Eddie opens the door, seeing three children dressed as devils]

Child 1:
Trick or treat, mister!

Eddie:
What do you want!

Child 2:
Trick or treat, you bald-headed bastard!

Eddie:
I'm sorry. I don't speak child.

Eddie:
All for one and one for all! You go first, I've got a bad leg.

Eddie:
Trick or Treat?

Spudgun:
What does that mean?

Richie:
It means you give us some cash. No sweets.

Spudgun:
Why?

Eddie:
Because it's the end of October!

Spudgun:
I don't understand.

Richie:
Look! We don't have all night. We've got the whole street to do. Now I've got my tights on, Eddie's wearing a banana, now just give us some cash.

Spudgun:
Are you on drugs? Can I have some?

Eddie:
Dear, oh dear.

Richie:
We don't seem to be getting through, do we? Eddie, where's the cattle prod?

Eddie:
(holding the cattle prod up) Well, here it is!

Richie:
Right. Give it to me.

Eddie:
I beg your pardon?

Richie:
I said "GIVE IT TO ME!"

Eddie:
Righto.

Richie:
Bear with me.

Eddie:
That's not how we rehearsed it, you know!

Richie:
I've got just got to finish off my Sprouts Mexicane and we're all set.

Eddie:
Sprouts Mexicane?

Richie:
(Proudly) Sproutes Mexicane!

Eddie:
What's that?

Richie:
Well it's... sprouts, pinch of chili powder, jar of curry powder, hint of tobasco sauce - well, three bottles actually. Not so much a hint, more a Party Political Broadcast. And the secret ingredient: gunpowder!

Eddie:
...Sprouts?

Richie:
Yeah, they were left over from Christmas.

Eddie:
But it's October!

Richie:
Yeah, they were a bit... frisky. But the spices'll cover any embarrassment.

Richie:
Hey, they must be ready! Want to try some?

Eddie:
I would rather cut off my penis with a rusty breadknife.

Richie:
God blimey, look at Egon Ronay! I'm not scared, Watch this!

Richie:
: I'm gonna get me some liposuction!

Eddie:
: (who has confused liposuction with fellatio) Not from me you're not, mate!

Eddie:
: Hey! Hang on! What's that sellotaped to the bottom of the fridge? Looks like that missing blackmail nudey snap of Desmond Lynham!

Richie:
: Well come on, Eddie! Give me a hand to lift the fridge! I want to get a glimpse of Dessie's hammer-head!

Richie:
: You've been drinking, haven't you.

Eddie:
: How DARE you!! [He struggles to his feet] How...dare you accuse me of Drinkin-n-nins! Me, your oldest pal and matey! 'Ol Schkip! Old bus fart, tram ticket, one for the road bag-o-scratchings...[Leans on the telly, which crashes off it's stand onto the floor upside down]...whoops-a-daisy ...we'll keep a welcome in the...[leans on a side table, sending it crashing over]...parking Mister David childish Jensen. Me?! Drinkin-n-n-n-nins? Why I'll tear you limb from limb!! [Starts to assume fighting pose, both arms flailing wildly as he stumbles backwards against the window, gets caught up in the curtains and crashes to the ground.]

Richie:
: No, but you have though, haven't you?

Eddie:
: Yeah.

Eddie:
That, my friend, is Welsh money.

Richie:
They don't have any Welsh money!

"Spudgun":
No wonder they all vote Labour.

Eddie:
They're the Queen's jugs.

Richie:
What?

Eddie:
They're the Queen's jugs.

Richie:
A: The queen doesn't have jugs, she's royalty! B: If she did, she certainly wouldn't get 'em out on the back of a fiver. She'd save 'em up for the fifty!

Eddie:
If you have a little look at my fifty, you may find it a tad more risque.

Richie:
Eddie, that's tantamount to treason! ...She's got three knockers!

Eddie:
No, that's Bobby Charlton in the middle.

Eddie:
(to barman) I'll have a pint of mild in a half-pint glass.

Dick Head:
(on the phone) Hello, "Skullcrusher" Henderson? Yeah it's er, Dick Head here... no, don't laugh. I have in my possession a very rare and extraordinarily pornographic £27 note, which may be of interest to a man in your position. What? Oh well it's Sylvester Stallone... fisting what looks like Mr. MacHenry from The Magic Roundabout.

Dick Head:
So, Eddie...

Eddie:
Uh-uh, my name is... Deirdre Barlow.

Spudgun:
So's mine

Hedgehog:
Mine too.

Eddie:
(pointing to Richie) And him.

Dick Head:
Well, Deirdres, Skullcrusher is very, very angry with you.

Richie:
Should we send him some flowers?

Dick Head:
No, I'm afraid it's beyond flowers. Basically, he says that unless you stop printing, and come up with five grand by closing time tonight, he's gonna come around and crush your skulls.

Richie:
And... that's why they call him the Skullcrusher...

Dick Head:
Exactly! So, until tonight, gentlemen?

Richie:
I think I'd better go to the lavvy.

Eddie:
Me too.

Spudgun:
And me!

Hedgehog:
I've just been.

Richie:
Eddie

Eddie:
Yeah?

Richie:
How do you actually drive a car?

Eddie:
Well, you reach under the dashboard, grab those two wires and jam them together 'til the engine starts up...

Richie:
Uh-huh.

Eddie:
...then, you drink another can of Special Brew, stick a brick on the accelerator and aim it at the post office!

Richie:
Well, I'm just going to turn this key and see what happens...

[Richie starts the car and hits the accelerator pedal, only to reverse through the front window of the local off-licence. Eddie starts grabbing cans of lager off the shelves]

Eddie:
Hey, look, Richie! Special offer!

Marcel:
Look! It's Ted Rogers in a dress!

Richie:
Yeah, don't try that old "Hey, look, it's Ted Rogers in a dress" routine on me, Buster! Come on over here and get some good old-fashioned British violence!

Marcel:
But it is Ted Rogers in a wedding dress! With a big seven-foot Neanderthal figure.

Eddie:
That's not Ted Rogers! That's that bird from the abbatoir, that's getting married to "Cannonball" Taffy O'Jones.

Richie:
Yeah.

[Richie and Eddie gasp in horror]

Richie & Eddie:
"Cannonball" Taffy O'Jones?!

"Cannonball" Taffy O'Jones:
(from off-screen) That's right, you ignorant English wankers!

[A pair of cricket balls hit Richie and Eddie on their foreheads, knocking them out]

Richie:
You dropped it!

Eddie:
Yeah, well i was being run over by the riot squad!

Richie:
Well, two wrongs dont make a right, young man. Just because you're being run over doesn't mean you have to smash a television set! I could of been watching Sophie Grigson peeling a banana (Mimics peeling a banana), or washing a cucumber (Mimics washing a cucumber), or anything!

Eddie:
She's married.

Richie:
I know. To the wrong bloke!

Eddie:
Still, at least we got the duck.

(Holds up a rubber duck)

Richie:
The duck?

Eddie:
Yeah, it's made out of plastic!

Richie:
Eddie, what in the name of Greek buggery is the use of a plastic duck?

Eddie:
It floats in the bath. [Puts duck in Richie's face] Hello!

Richie:
Why?

Eddie:
It's hollow!

Richie:
[exasperated] Why the duck?!

Eddie:
It came free with the telly.

Richie:
Eddie everything came free with the telly, we were looting! Why didn't you get a free telly with the telly?!

Eddie:
Well, then it would sink in the bath!

Eddie:
We've been burgled!

Richie:
Well you may have been, young man, but I have never in my life! As a Christian I'm so tightly clenched-- OH! Oh, burgled!

Eddie:
That's it. I'm going to write to my MP!

Richie:
(confused) Why?!

Eddie:
Because... I love her!

Richie:
(emphatically) Eddie! Tony Blair is a man!

Eddie:
She's not, she's not!

Richie:
She is, she is!

Eddie:
(wailing) She's not, she's not!

Richie:
QUIET! Spectacles!

Richie:
Spectacles back on! [Eddie puts his glasses back on] Now calm down about Tony Blair.

Richie:
Hello? Put me through to the Prime Minister! ...Because I want to blackmail him! ...It's Richard Richard. Oh shit! [hangs up] I accidentally gave my name away! You'll have to do it Eddie. Use an assumed name.

Eddie:
Hello? I'd like to blackmail the Prime Minister...Uh...Richard Richard.

Richie:
You stupid idiot, Eddie! You bloody fool!

Richie & Eddie:
Oh, shit!

Eddie:
Hey, Richie! You know that Stork Margarine competition we entered?

Richie:
Yeah!

Eddie:
We didn't win it.

Richie:
What?! Well, who did?

Eddie:
Slip Digby.

Richie:
Slip Digby? The organist?

Eddie:
That's not what they called him in court.

Richie:
What was the winning caption?

Eddie:
"I like Stork Margarine because I've only got one leg".

Richie:
(pause) Not bad

Eddie:
Clever, clever bastard.

Dick Head:
Right, next question; which is the greater, two dozen or a score?

Richie:
[Pressing the buzzer with confidence] Daffodils!

Dick Head:
Wrong.

Richie:
It bloody is.

Dick Head:
No, it isn't!

Richie:
Are you calling me a liar?

Dick Head:
No, I'm calling you a tosser.

Richie:
Well that's ok, then.

Eddie:
That's right, me old cockaleeky-mate-flap-sparrow-Cockney-rhyming-bollocks!

Richie:
Don't touch my brick while I'm gone... I said "brick"! Not "penis"!

[After an incident involving a blow-up doll named Monica and some superglue, Richie has, apparently, lost his penis.]

Richie:
Ah, Monica. You were the first, and you'll be the last. You took my cherry... right off!

[Richie has been unable to say his lines because he has the giggles.]

Richie:
: [laughs] Sit down Eddie... I've got some sad and tragic news [laughs]. I've got some sad and tragic news. [laughs]

Eddie:
: You don't look very upset about it. You looked a lot sadder than that in rehearsals. [to audience] It made me cry.

Richie:
LOOK SIT DOWN! I've decided to kill myself, Eddie... because I'm so tragically in debt.

Eddie:
Fucking Hell! A line from the play!

(Crowd cheers and Richie laughs again.)

Richie:
: Just SHUT UP and watch the play, right? (points to Eddie) You, leave me alone: we're never gonna get out of South-fucking-hampton.

Eddie:
Right, so your philosophy is... bollocks?

Richie:
: Yes!

Eddie:
Well that's an unusual philosophical stance.

Richie:
: Yeah, I think I put my trousers on too quickly just now. But stick to the point, Eddie, I thought we were talking philosophy?

Eddie:
Well, we were, but your philosophy is bollocks!

Richie:
: So let's talk bollocks!

Eddie:
BUT THAT'S ALL WE EVER DO!

Richie:
: So let's do what we always do!

Eddie:
Oh god, and so it goes on, day after day, year in year out, slime in this ear, slime in that ear, don't you ever yearn for change?

[Huge applause from the audience]

Eddie:
Alan Rickman eat your heart out! [towards Richie] And cue.

Richie:
: [Looks at the audience who seems to have taken Eddie's side] Right. Wanna give me the feedline again in front of all your friends?

Eddie:
[Laughs to himself] Yeah, sorry. I... I forgot to mention I was actually born in Southampton! It's good to be home!

[Another huge applause]

Richie:
: Oh, Eddie, Eddie, you were born in Southampton? WOW! Why did you ever leave?

Eddie:
That was a bit below the belt. [thinks of a comeback] Because... I found the railway station!

[Another huge applause]

Richie:
: [towards the audience] Stop fucking clapping! [imitates them] Bastards! [towards someone in the front of the upper circle] Especially you! You oughtta fucking jump!

Eddie:
That's no way to talk to my mother [towards the audience] Sorry Mum.

[Having told Eddie he intends to commit suicide, to Eddie's delighted response]

Richie:
Eddie, I understand you're trying to put a brave face on, but don't you think that that particular face was just a little bit too fucking brave?!

[Richie telling Eddie their breakfast options]

Richie:
Eddie, I bring good news and bad. there is some yoghurt, but if you want to eat you're gonna have to shave it first. Er, theres also a sausage, but it appears to have already been digested...twice. and theres also a rather unpleasant and completely useless piece of human excrement in there, but i think it might just be Graham Taylor.

[Audience laughs and applauses]

Richie:
So, what's it to be for breakfast this morning, me old buster?

Eddie(from toilet):
I'll have a curry.

Richie:
No, you bloody well won't! The last one you had has a half-life of five hundred years! We should have your rectum sealed in concrete and dumped in the north sea. now hurry up and eat your breakfast before Saddam Hussein gets a whiff of your bot and tries to dump you on the Kurds!

Eddie:
Righto!

[Richie slams the prop door. It opens by itself. The audience laugh. He tries it again. It opens again. A couple of audience members cheer, causing Richie to whisper "Fuck off!" to the audience]

Richie:
(breaking character, aside to door) Now you listen to me buster, you're just a door. I'm Rik fucking Mayall! CLOSE!

[Slams the door. It stays shut.]

Richie:
[about the semtex] Where on Earth did you get it?

Eddie:
Car Boot sale. Got it off these two blokes Michael O'Hooligan and Patricia O'Violence. And their friend was there Pat O'Cake.

[Audience laughs as Eddie tries not to laugh.]

Richie:
Pat O'Cake?

[Eddie is still trying not to laugh, the audience cheer.]

Eddie:
Shut the fuck up!

Richie:
Pat O'Cake?

Eddie:
Pat O'Cake.

Richie:
Baker's man?

Eddie:
That's the one! God, I love that gag.

Richie:
What a sad, lonely life you must lead.

Eddie:
I'm afraid it is, yes.

Richie:
Right, on with the plot, Eddie.

Eddie:
There's a plot?!

Richie:
Yes!

Eddie:
Oh, fuck!

[Eddie with his revolver walks up to the parrot in its cage]

Eddie:
I know what you're thinking, Parrot. You're thinking "How many shots did I fire, back there in Act 2 Scene 1?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement of of Richie forgetting most of his fucking lines, I've kind of forgotten myself. So, Parrot, do you feel lucky? Come on, make my day!

Parrot:
You fired six you big fat bastard!

Eddie:
That's right!

[Eddie fires six rounds, shooting the parrot to pieces]

Eddie:
But I fucking RELOADED!

[Richie brings in a wheelbarrow containing spare Semtex]

Richie:
(calling) Semtex! Ah...it's a heck of a smidgen, Eddie. Almost dislocated me shoulder twice wheeling it down the corrid-- [Richie unwinds the electric cable and quickly realizes that it was horribly tangled] Who fucked up with this bloody thing!? BASTARDS!!! I'm on the fucking television as well!

Eddie:
Right, that's it. I'm getting me beret and dark glasses on and getting on a ferry to Belgium.

[Eddie mockingly turns away from the audience]

Richie:
No, no, no!! It's alright, it's alright. The cunts didn't notice!

Eddie:
The Queen?

Richie:
Yes, and stand up when you say that.

Eddie:
[stands up] The Queen?

Richie:
Yes, and kneel down when you say that.

Eddie:
[kneels down] It's no wonder why she's so fucking unpopular.

Richie:
I don't believe it! We've won the Lottery!

Eddie:
[returns through the window] We've what?

Richie:
Oh you're back are you? Oh yes, one sniff of ginger and your knickers are around your ankles.

Eddie:
Still talking bollocks, that's my twat.

[pats Richie on the back]

Richie:
Is it? What's it doing on my back? It'll make it all sticky!

Eddie:
Did I hear you say "We've won the Lottery"?

Richie:
Yes-yes! We've bloody-blimey, trousery-bra-ry, won the ruddy, flipping, nippley Lottery!

Eddie:
The "Hammersmith Bugle" Lottery?

Richie:
Yeah! Go on; phone them up, check the numbers! Oh God, I can't believe it, we've won the Lottery! [Eddie walks off to the phone and makes the call whilst Richie continues...] I wonder how much it is this week. [masturbates the ceiling post] Eighteen million? Twenty million? [realises what he is doing and stops] Shit! What will I do? What will I do?! I've got it: I'm going to employ a prositute. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do-oo it! I don't believe it; my wildest dream come true!

Eddie:
A-ha! [hangs up the phone]

Richie:
Well Eddie, what's the rollover Jackpot figure for this week?

Eddie:
One pound.

Richie:
ONE BLODDY PPppppp... pound?

Eddie:
Yes, you see the flaw in our fiendish masterplan was that being the only people who read, or have ever read, the Hammersmith Bugle, we were of course the only people who bought a fucking Lottery ticket(!)

Richie:
One pound?

Eddie:
...ish. Yeah, you see after admin costs and a "donation to charity", we actually come out with 5p. And we've just spent 10p on the phonecall finding that out.

Richie:
So having won, we're now 5 pence down on the deal?

Eddie:
That's correct, yes. Well done.

Richie:
Well, it's a result Eddie!

Eddie:
Yes! Yes! Yes, it's... it's a crap result!

Richie:
What were the charges again?

Eddie:
Attempted asphyxiation of the population of West London, detonating 400lbs of Semtex in contravention of the Anti-Terrorist act. Attempted regicide, Arson, causing an affray and... wiggling our todgers at the Queen.

Richie:
So, its a first offense. I mean talk about Draconian!

Eddie:
I can't, I dunno what it means.

(Richie taunts an apparently unconscious Eddie)

Richie:
Poor, Eddie - raped to death! Raped to death and then cast aside like some soggy tissue... Good! I hope they ruddy well hurt you up the garden path area, you little shit! You little monkey prick!... Bat shit features! No, I've got a really sweary one... Michael Portillo...(Eddie suddenly and unexpectedly punches Richie in the groin) AAAARRRRGGGH! My knob! MY KNOB! I THINK IT SNAPPED!

Eddie:
Hey, my Great Uncle was in the Great War.

Richie:
What do mean 'Great War', there aren't any great wars, they were all frightful.

Eddie:
Alright then he was in the crap war!

Richie:
Wow! The crap war! Far out! Which side was he on?

Eddie:
Both.

Richie:
Wow!

Eddie:
Well it depended on which direction he was facing at the time y'know. Had a little bit of a drink problem. He took out a machine-gun nest single-handly you know!

Richie:
Did he?

Eddie:
Yeah...But they made him bring it back, he was trying to flog it to the Germans

Richie:
Hey, wasn't he the last bloke shot before the Armistice?

Eddie:
Yes, that's right. Just firing off a few rounds in celebration but... stupid twat had his gun the wrong way round. Oh, they don't make 'em like Great Uncle Susan any more.

Richie:
That's marvellous stuff Eddie, but... what the fuck's it got to do with anything?

Eddie:
It's gas!

Richie:
Yes, I know it's gas. I'm not a complete tosser.

Eddie:
Yes, you are.

Richie:
Well, I am a complete tosser, yes, but what d'you mean?

Richie:
C'mon let's stage a mock trial.

Eddie:
Oh, right you are.

Richie:
Call Richard Richard!

Eddie:
What shall I call him?

Richie:
Don't fuck about.

[Audience laughs.]

Eddie:
DON'T FUCK ABOUT!

Richie:
What is it they say in downtown south central L.A?

Eddie:
"Help! Help! I'm being raped, mugged and murdered!"

Richie:
Welcome to sophisticated Oxford. (mimes masturbating and puts on an Oxford accent) "Have a wank, professor!" "May as well: the only other thing to do is catch a fucking BUS!" (huge applause)

Eddie:
Are you finished now? Just I'm beginning to understand why Stephen Fry fucked off. (Richie laughs and there's a huge applause from the audience. Richie kneels to bow to Eddie.)

Richie:
Yes. Brambles. So, one bush or two?

Eddie:
I beg your pardon?

Richie:
God, it's just sex-sex-sex with you, isn't it?

Eddie:
What do you mean, I was just asking you to repeat the question!

Richie:
No you weren't! You were accusing me of accusing you of having three pubic thatches!!

Eddie:
WHEN? When was this?

Richie:
Just now you very well know, Lord Haw Haw! Honestly, I work my aching fingers to the bone to pep up your diet, and insert some jazz into your food!

Eddie:
(Deliberately) I beg your pardon!

Richie:
There you go again!

Eddie:
No, no! I just didn't hear what you said very well.

Richie:
Not true. Not true at all! You were accusing me of deliberately masturbating into your breakfast!

(Eddie looks agape, as Richie descends into paranoia)

Richie:
Why are you doing this? Why? Wh-hy? Wh-h-h-hy? You're trying to send me mad, aren't you? Yes! You're trying to send me round the twist. Your're trying to make me lose the plot.

Eddie:
Oh, we've got a plot this year, have we? (audience laughs)

Richie:
Very much so, young man. (starts corpsing) it's just-well-not-very well-fuck.

Richie:
Eddie, we are a specialty act. We do not do impressions. You lower the whole tone. The disappearing rabbits were a nightmare.

Eddie:
They disappeared.

Richie:
Yeah, cos you threw them into the fucking audience!

Eddie:
Hey, they reappeared.

Richie:
Yeah, they fucking threw them back!

Richie:
We were not so much a two hour diversion than a twenty-four hour pitch battle in the main dining room area. We were awful.

Eddie:
Oh come on. We weren't that bad. We had a great name. 'The Great Arsehole and Norman'.

Richie:
[astonished] We weren't that bad, "Norman"?!

Richie:
Wait, there's something written on the side. [reads] "Le Danger"..."Le Nuclear Bombe". Shit, it's all in French.

Richie:
You stupid fucking ring-sausage!

Richie:
Well, then, I think it's our duty Eddie, as citizens of the world, yes, but above all as Englishmen, with a song in our hearts and a twinkle in our eye and major league tackle in our M & S Y's, to defuse this bomb.

Eddie:
Don't you mean it's our duty as lily-livered yellow-trousered shit-your-pants scared-o girlies, who've just discovered they're sharing a very tiny island with a 15-megaton nuclear device, to defuse this bomb?

Richie:
There is that.

Eddie:
I see your point.

Richie:
Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up. I can see they're up. Oh, I see your point!

Eddie:
Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up. I can see they're up. Oh, I see your point!

Richie:
Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up. I can see they're up. Oh, I see your point!

Eddie:
Why? Have my trousers fallen down?... Help! Help! Rich! We're stuck in a sort of knob gag Bermuda Triangle!

Richie:
Quickly! Change routine! Change routine!

Eddie:
Oh, look! Knackers!

Eddie:
All we have to do now is keep quiet and very still.

Richie:
How long for?

Eddie:
Until the end of time.

Richie:
Righto.

Eddie:
I'm also going to fleetingly return to the script, if that's alright with you.

Richie:
You thorough and total wank biscuit!

Eddie:
How did you actually catch this fish?

Richie:
I didn't actually catch it Eddie, no. No, no, no, no, no, I sort of found it. It was floating upside-down on the surface of the water.

Eddie:
So it was dead already?

Richie:
Well it was on its way out, yes. It was coughing very violently, bringing up this extraordinary yellow bile. It had this wild panicked look in its eyes, and it was foaming at the gills.

Eddie:
Was this in Bluffman's Cove?

Richie:
Sort of, sort of. It was in the latrine.

Richie:
So when you ask me, [impersonating Eddie] "Uh, what's for breakfast?" I would say 'something a little unusual.

Eddie:
What, like a really crap impression of me? All of a sudden? 10 weeks into the tour? Just 'cos the cameras are on?

Richie:
Hey Norman, last week my wife had both her hands severed in a serious industrial accident.

Eddie:
Really, how did she feel?

Richie:
She can't! She hasn't got any hands left!

Eddie:
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

[pause]

Richie:
Yeah, I'd like to see one of today's young, slim, modern comedians do that joke.

Eddie:
Yeah, why's that?

Richie:
'Cos it's shit!

Eddie:
You're not wrong there, matey!

Eddie:
Well, how d'you know they're cannibals?

Richie:
Old jungle trick, Eddie. Big cannibal giveaway. They're cooking someone in a pot.

Eddie:
No, he's just having a bath, isn't he?

Richie:
What, with an onion up his bum?

Eddie:
He could be French.

Eddie:
ufasa retanga eranu uvavu

Richie:
Eddie, have you been stealing material again?

Richie:
Oh, Eddie, think what we're missing... like a script!

Eddie:
Well... we're not so much missing a script, are we, it's just that you can't fucking remember it.

Richie:
Hey, if you could be anyone in the world, who would it be?

Eddie:
Angus Deayton.

Richie:
Angus Deayton, why?

Eddie:
Because he's got autocue.

Richie:
Oh yeah, lucky bastard.

Eddie:
Yes, you could have done with that tonight, couldn't you?

Richie:
[Over-dramatic] Oh, fate! Ohhh, nemesis!

Eddie:
Ohhhhhh, fuck.

Richie:
Marooned! Maroooned! Marooooooooned! Oh, God I wish I had a thesaurus.

[Eddie returns from the secret Japanese bunker with a medical kit.]

Richie:
Wow! But Eddie, where on earth did you...

[Turns around and notices the door has swung open. He laughs and points it out to Eddie who quickly runs over to close it again.]

Richie:
Eddie! [Breaks into giggles.]

Eddie:
(to audience) There was a little mistake there, wasn't there? Did you spot it? Fucking bastards! Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha! (To Richie who's still giggling) I'm gonna fucking get us out of this one. The yes, yes! The... poisoned dart... the poisoned dart has given you... (to the audience who start laughing) Shut up, give it a fucking chance. The poisoned dart has given you momentary amnesia. (Richie is helpless with laughter to which the audience also laugh) He seems to have a side-effect of excessive giggling. But either way, you probably won't remember the door to the secret Japanese bunker until Act 2 when you're supposed to fucking find out about it!

Richie:
Why are the Scots such arseholes, Eddie?

Eddie:
Do you mind? I happen to be part Scottish myself, you know!

Richie:
Really, Eddie? Which part?

Eddie:
My arsehole.

Richie:
What sort of bloke?

Eddie:
Well, he was wearing a scuba-diving outfit, and had a pronounced French accent. I think he may have been a Frogman.

Richie:
A what?

Eddie:
I'm afraid you heard correctly the first time. A Frogman. [to audience] Fuck off, you paid.

Richie:
Aahh, paradise isn't it, Eddie? Beaches, palm trees, bam-BOO. Palm trees, beaches, bam-BOO. Sand, trees, bam-BOO... God, I'm bored. Bored, bloody bored.

[There is a cry from the back of the audience:
"Have a wank!"]

Eddie:
We had a wank in the interval. That's what the interval is for. And I bet you had one too, didn't you? 'Cos you look like a wanker!

Richie:
I think my theory holds water.

Eddie:
And what theory is that?

Richie:
That our diet has got something to do with what we eat.

Eddie:
I thought it was your pants that had something to do with what you'd eat.

Eddie:
Oh, I'm gone, man, solid gone.

Richie:
Eddie, will you stop this Disney shite? We're going to get sued to buggery quite apart from eaten to fuck!

[Cardboard Shark Fins are dragged along the front of the stage]

Richie:
Well it just goes to show there's no escape for us that way is there eddie? if we even think to take on the dangers of the-m-mighty pacific (pause and the audience cheer) Fish are fucking frisky tonight! if we even think of taking on the mighty pacific, we'd almost...(audience murmurs) I haven't finished yet! we'd almost certainly trip over a few little bits of wire... (waits for audiences response which is dismal)

Eddie:
Yeeeees...or get a papercut

[Rik Mayall has forgotten his lines]

Richie:
Oh, Eddie!

Eddie:
And whenever you can't remember you go "OH, EDDIE!"

Richie:
Oh, Eddie.

Eddie:
(turns to face Richie) Yes?

Richie:
(panicking) oooooohhhh Eddie...oh, god...(relisation hits him)

(audience cheers)

Eddie:
(cutting off the audience) He probably hasn't got the right one.

Richie:
......Fuck!

[a prop Albatross has broken down at the side of the stage]

Richie:
Behold the mighty Albatross! See it soar, watch it swoop...

Eddie:
Yes. Watch it circle, watch it loop-the-loop, watch it get the fucking prop man sacked!

[a bird's droppings have landed on Eddie's Head]

Richie:
That's lucky, that is!

Eddie:
What that you weren't standing here?

[Audience are laughing as Eddie towels his head]

Eddie:
Well, I'm glad I can amuse you all in my own humble little way. Welcome to sophisticated fucking Bristol. (puts on a Bristol accent) "Ooh, it was fuckin' great, fuckin' seagull shat on 'is 'ead an' we all fuckin' pissed ourselves!"

Eddie:
Yes and here they are, the completely wild knives... covered in wild albatross shit.

[picks up a knife]

Eddie:
Yes, look how hard and steely they are. Look how very, very sharp...

[slits his own tongue]

Eddie:
Ooh fuckin' hell!

[The pair are alone in some domed room]

Richie:
Hello?

Eddie:
Hello!

Richie:
No not you!

Eddie:
Maybe I wasn't replying to you.

Richie:
So then, there really is someone else here?

Eddie:
Yeah, I'm afraid so.

Richie:
Who is it?

Eddie:
Its me! Hello!

Richie:
Look out Eddie, Ainsley Harriot is coming down here and he's strapping on a condom!

Eddie:
Quick, Get out of my way! I don't want to be in Ready Steady Fuck!

[Richie is wearing bright pink Underwear]

Eddie:
Where did you get them from?

Richie:
I made them from a pair of washing up gloves. They are marigolds, and they were a little snug to get into. I also haven't been able to get the bastards off for three days. Also the thumb is stuck up my arse!

[Talking about the Parrot]

Richie:
What was that thing he used to say?

Eddie:
Get off, Get off I'm not a sexual animal?

Richie:
No, not that one the other thing?

Eddie:
Oi Richie get me another drink you overweight twat!

Richie:
That's the one.

Richie:
Is Dave attacking that Seagull?

Eddie:
Either that or he's shagging it.

Richie:
No the seagulls attacking him! Now with the left, now the right, that's it Dave that's how you fly away.

Eddie:
Come on Dave, take your coat off! Kick him where it hurts!

Richie:
Ouch! He's kicked himself in the bollocks hasn't he?

Eddie:
Look there go all the seagull's mates, flying off, laughing and with Dave's wallet.

Richie:
Eddie, think back what's the last thing you remember?

Eddie:
Oh I know this, it was you, it was you telling me to "Think back what's the last thing you remember?", it's all coming back to me.

Eddie:
Where's the bar?

Richie:
There's no bar!

Eddie:
WHAT!? No bar!? What the fuck happened there!? Wh...Wh-what the fuck happened there? What the fuck happened there!? What! The! Fuck! Happened there!? What the fuck fuck fuck fucking fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck...fuck fuck fuck fucking fuck fuck fuck fucking happened there!? Fuck!!

Richie:
Language!

Eddie:
English! This is a very serious No Bar, situation. Mary Mother of Jesus Help! Help! Help!

Richie:
Now...what other options have we got left? Let's just try and explore our parameters.

Eddie:
You leave my trousers out of this, I don't want any funny business. Shit, there's no corners to hide in!

Richie:
Eddie! Just a little bit. Just a little touchy touchy, it doesn't matter. Just a little wibbly wobbly touchy touch... fucking homo! Okay look, look look look look, forget that...why don't we just try and get out through the holes we came in by?

Eddie:
I don't think my mother would be too pleased.

Richie:
Do you know I went to Yoga? I did! If I'd got up to level twenty I might have been able to fuck myself. As look would have it, I got to level thirteen, accidently sneezed and blew myself inside out. What I thought was a rather funky goatee beard turned out to be my pubic hair. I couldn't see it anyway though because I had two bollocks hanging in front of my eyes. I was in surgery three days, three whole days before the surgeons stopped giggling.

Richie:
Before you go say something nice.

Eddie:
Breasts!

Richie:
No.

Eddie:
Lager!

Richie:
No, something else.

Eddie:
I'm sorry Rich, but breasts and lager are the only nice things I know.

Richie:
Come on Eddie, think of the money!

Eddie:
Money?! Are... Are you getting paid?

Richie:
No. No, no, no, I don't get paid. It's not me it's that wretch of an actor who plays me. What's his name? You know that tosser who fell off the quad bike?

Eddie:
I knew I should have fixed those brakes.

Richie:
What did you say?

Eddie:
I know the one, he's sort of balding and getting a tummy.

'Richie:
That's the one. He's getting far too old to play me with any conviction.

Richie:
Who's that awful actor who plays you?

Eddie:
Oh I know he's got a girl's name, is it Julie Goodyear? It's not that ginger haired cunt is it?

Richie:
Who? Chris Evans?

Eddie:
Yeah.

Richie:
No, it can't be. Anyway it's not you, it's him! You are a very good little character.

Richie:
So let me get this right, so we aren't in some dark, godless void on the outer edges of human misery?

Eddie:
No no, we're in Nottingham.

Richie:
It's the same thing!

Richie:
It's not our fault we've got such shitty actors playing us, however it could be worse we could be in Vecks in Practice! I know I said "Vecks" I meant to say Vets.

Eddie:
I thought you did.

Richie:
It was one of my great improvisations.

Eddie:
I never watched Vecks in Practice much, but I believe it's shit anyway.

Richie:
Yeah, it's not as bad, (corpsing) not as bad as... Oh, fuck!

[Audience cheers.]

Richie:
It must be the Pig's Spunk, tacky teeth, now where were we?

Eddie:
What were you doing during the interval?

Richie:
Go on, slidle over to the front and... sidle (laughs) slidle over to the front...

Eddie:
You want me slidle over to the front?

Richie:
I often write while I'm on stage. It's a great new word I've invented "slidle".

Richie:
[Thinking Eddies has a woman hidden in the bathroom]: Ah...ah...ah ha. Have you got a woman in here? A woman in here?! That's against house rules. we agreed, you're not allowed any women in here unless you get one for me at the same time, so we can really "do" it. Like in my favorite video: "Noddy goes Lap-Dancing".

Richie:
Is it me?...

Eddie [Interrupting Richie]:
Yes (Audience laughs)

Richie:
Is it me?...

Eddie:
Yes, it is (Audience applauds)

Richie:
Bad Eddie... (Pauses and starts again) Is it me-OR...

Eddie (Reading):
'Ten seconds have passed since I fatefully partook in the Elixir of Life. Feeling groggy... oh, all seems to fade. Darkness comes... and anal leakage...'

Richie (Laughing):
I don't remember him being that ill last night!

Eddie (Reading):
'Oh, shit, my bollocks have exploded!'

Richie (being asked questions for a pointless questionnaire):
Action!

Eddie:
Weight!

Richie (enraged):
Weight?! What are you implying? I live on Sweetex! I'm still wearing the same pair of trousers I was when I was 17!

Eddie:
Only because you've sewn the living room curtains into the waistband.

Richie:
I could still pass for 17!

Eddie:
Stones! Now wait!

Richie:
No. I refuse to answer! This is an outrage!

Eddie:
No! Wait there, while I get another pen! This one's fucked!

Richie:
Well, I didn't do it! Do I look like a biro molester?!

Eddie:
Richie, have you seen my felt tip?

Richie (frantically):
No, Eddie, no, I've never seen your felt tip. No, I've only seen you naked once. I fell straight into a coma and had to go to therapy for six years. Every time I think of you naked, I've had to close my eyes when I walk past a butcher's window. I shall never eat tripe again!

Eddie:
And... weight.

Richie (sighs):
Put 'trim, alluring, snake-hipped...' Just describe me as you see me!

Eddie:
Alright, 'fat'.

Richie:
You can't put that!

Eddie:
You're right. 'Very fat'.

Richie (trying to sway Eddie):
Come on, Eddie... we've known each other for years!

Eddie:
Ohhhhhhhh, allllllllllllright. 'Very fat twat'.

Richie (annoyed):
Let's just move on, shall we?

Eddie:
Alright, question 2: why won't you tell me how fat you are?

Richie:
It doesn't say that!

Eddie (shows him the questionnaire):
It does actually, look.

Richie:
Oh, so it does. Ok, next question!

Eddie:
Why does everyone think you're a cunt?

(Richie buries his face in his hands)

Richie:
They have... really hammered the nail on the head there! Why does everybody think I'm a cunt? It's a question that's always intrigued me! I'll have to speak to my people and get back to you on that! Ahem! (Realises) Eddie, why do you think I'm a cunt?

Richie [after hurting his hand hitting Eddie's testicles]:
You bastard! That's my wanking hand!

Eddie:
Uh-uh; wanking finger.

Richie:
Uh, uh uh; wanking fingernail.

Eddie:
That's the last time I snog a girl from Southend. I've got a cold, herpes, and I've lost my fucking wallet. Here's a question: do all birds from Southend have beards?

Eddie:
Bloody hell! We are shooting back in time, faster than Posh Spice slaps on the fake tan!

Richie:
Bloody hell!

Both:
That's fast!

Richie:
Just think, Eddie: if we go even further back in time, we could do some really old material! Just think: I might get erections again!

Richie (as Rick from The Young Ones):
Oh, really great and bwrilliant, Vyvyan! (Throws up a peace sign) Thatcher! Thatcher!

[Eddie clears his throat and pretends to do his hair in Vyvyan's style].

Eddie (as Vyvyan):
Have you got a video? Virgin! Virgin! You complete and utter bastard, Neil! (Gives a two fingered salute.)

Richie:
... You er... you haven't changed your material very much really, have you, Eddie?

Eddie:
(Laughing) Stick with what works, that's my motto.

Richie:
Eddie.... Eddie, come here! Come. Bloody. Here. (Eddie slowly walks towards Richie) I am going to swear at you! Don't be so sexy! DON'T! I'm going to swear at you, i'm jolly angry! Eddie, you.... BERK! You... FLIPPING NUISANCE! You stupid... effing... BUGGER! You bloody.... BUGGERING BASTARD BREAST-FACED BOLLOCK! YOU ARSEING... KNOBHEAD.... TIT-FACED.... FUCKING..... TWAT!

Richie:
Oh, fuck the monologue! I'll go for a nasty!

Richie:
Are you insane?!

Eddie:
No... I'm in fucking agony!