New Girl, Season 1

Jess:
So, you know in horror movies when the girl's like, "Oh, my God. There's something in the basement. Let me just run down there in my underwear and see what's going on, in the dark." And you're like, "What is your problem? Call the police." And she's like, "Okay," but it's too late, because she's already getting murdered. Well, uh, my story's kind of like that.

Jess:
[on the phone] I gotta go, Mom. No, I'm not watching Dirty Dancing. No, I don't think so. [to Nick] Hey, are you gonna murder me 'cause you're a stranger I met on the Internet?

Nick:
Yes, I am.

Jess:
[back to the phone] He says "no."

Schmidt:
Jess.

Jess:
Yeah.

Schmidt:
Can I ask you something?

Jess:
You want my help? Sure.

Schmidt:
You consider me a sexy man, correct?

Jess:
I don't know how to answer that question.

Schmidt:
Okay, look, I'm meeting a girl for drinks tonight, and I'm probably going to bring her back here for sex.

Jess:
I have to get to school 'cause it's Astronomy Day and I'm dressing up like Galileo, so I have to put on my beard.

Jess:
$550 for the TV? Seems a little steep. I'm gonna write down a figure and this is as high as I'll go. [Writes something down on a piece of paper]

Pawnshop guy:
You drew a smiley face.

Jess:
I'm a teacher. Do it for the kids.

Pawnshop guy:
For the kids, $550.

Jess:
I can't go home without a TV. I thought pawnshops were about helping people, and frankly, right now I feel taken advantage of, and I just got out of a long relationship and I don't know what I'm doing emotionally or-let's be honest-sexually. I'll just... just get out of here. [suddenly attempts to steal the TV, which happens to be too heavy for her]

Pawnshop guy:
Are you trying to rob me?

[Jess shows an ugly yellow dress]

Schmidt:
No!

Nick:
That is the ugliest dress I have ever seen, Jess!

Schmidt:
I'm really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay? When I see you, I wanna be thinking, "Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?"

Jess:
[in a British accent] Probaby the slut butler, right?

[Jess is pretending to be Nick's girlfriend at the wedding]

Nick:
Uh, Jess, this is Caroline.

Caroline:
Hi.

Jess:
One more time. Cara-lee?

Caroline:
Uh, Caroline.

Jess:
Caraloo? Coraline?

Nick:
Caroline.

Jess:
Oh, okay. Fancy. Well, I'm Nicholas's girlfriend. We just started dating, so we're still in that honeymoon phase. I barely sleep. So much doing it.

Nick:
So much doing it. It's crazy.

Jess:
He's so soft, like a towel.

Caroline:
Well, it was nice to meet you.

Jess:
So nice to meet you, too, Carol.

Caroline:
Caroline.

Jess:
I give up!

Jess:
I just want to have a mature conversation.

Nick:
How can we have a mature conversation when you can't even say the word "penis"?

Jess:
I can say the word "pen..."

Nick:
Say it.

Jess:
I... "Peernyas."

Nick:
What?

Jess:
"Peernis."

Nick:
You said "peernis."

Jess:
[singing] Penis.

Nick:
Not singing.

Jess:
[in a deep voice] Penis.

Nick:
Not like a ghoul.

Jess:
[chuckling] I... I can say it! Pianist.

Nick:
No, you said "pianist."

Jess:
Enispay!

Nick:
Not pig Latin.

Jess:
"Peernis."

Nick:
Okay, not in Swedish.

Jess:
"Pemo."

Nick:
Not in fake Italian.

Jess:
[shrieking] Penis!

Winston:
Shut up!

Nick:
Say it with me... "pe...

Jess:
Pe...

Nick:
... nis."

Jess:
... neers.

Nick:
Yeah, I'm the one that's immature.

Jess:
I worked on something for you.

Nick:
All right.

Jess:
Penis.

Nick:
Very good.

Jess:
Thank you. Um, so did Amanda call you back?

Nick:
No, I don't see Amanda calling me back.

Jess:
I'm sorry.

Nick:
It's okay. Maybe you were right. Maybe I'm not ready for meaningless sex with beautiful women.

Jess:
Well, you know, maybe when you are, you'll be able to show her your other penis. Your heart-penis.

Nick:
Get out of my room.

Jess:
Okay. Hey, um... when I was, um, leaving in a hurry, um, did you see... everything?

Nick:
Yup.

Jess:
Even my... my gumbo pot?

Nick:
Ugh. Gumbo pot? Get out.

Jess:
[explaining to the guys why she brought Cece to the apartment] I would normally never bring her here, but Cece's really vulnerable right now, and when she's drunk, she has no boundaries. So she's really grabby, really physical, she's really loose with her body. So I just wanna apologize in advance for anything that she might do.

Cece:
I'm trying to help you.

Jess:
No. I don't need your help. You don't know... Nick and I are friends. You don't know, 'cause you don't have guy friends at all. You just hang out with jerks like Gavin. Oh, I'm sorry... DJ Diabeat It.

Cece:
He has diabetes.

Jess:
Oh, he does? Boo-hoo. I'm sorry. Is it really bad? I feel really bad.

Cece:
He's fine. He takes medication.

Jess:
Why do you just come in and you take over? It's like you're playing mind games with people.

Cece:
Don't put this on me, Jess. Okay, I'm trying to help you. You never make a move...

Jess:
Well, I don't need your help. I like moving slow. I like being weird and taking my time. I'm not like you. I don't just jump in the potato sack with the first potato that I meet with diabetes.

Cece:
Okay, what did you just say?

Jess:
You heard me, bitch.

[After Nick told Jess that they wouldn't be doing Thanksgiving]

Jess:
I'm just cooking dinner for you guys... and Paul.

Nick:
What?

Schmidt:
What?

Jess:
Hmm? What?

Nick:
Did you say "and Paul"? Who's Paul? Did you invite somebody named Paul to our house?

Jess:
Yes, I did. I asked someone out.

Nick:
Asked someone out?

Schmidt:
Jess, be honest-is the turkey named Paul?

Jess:
It's a real guy. And he teaches at my school. And he's really, really hot! And the turkey is named Hank. Hanksgiving.

[Schmidt, Winston, Cece and Paul go into Mrs. Beverly's while Jess and Nick stay outside]

Jess:
Oh, I get it. [about Paul] He's not cool enough for you. 'Cause nobody can be cool enough for cool Nick Miller. [mimicking Nick] "I'm Nick Miller. I'm so cool, I'll make my cool face." Why don't you like him?

Nick:
Who cares? Do you like him?

Jess:
Of course I like him.

Nick:
Okay, fine! It doesn't matter what I think, does it? 'Cause I don't have to have sex with him.

Jess:
I do. I want to. I want to have sex with him big-time.

Nick:
Great.

Jess:
You heard me! Big-time! Okay? I want to take him down to Chinatown and slice him off a piece of this pumpkin pie, okay?

Paul:
[to Winston] What is pumpkin pie?

Jess:
I want to do all the things that you do in a bedroom, with him, okay? I want to do it standing up and sitting down, and half-up and half-down, and the wiggly one, and the Bear Attack, and the claws in the head, and the one the figure skaters do, and the What's for Lunch, and the... Give Me That Hat. Let's just say that I'm good. I'm really, really good. And I don't care what you think!

Nick:
Then why did you ask me?

Winston:
[opens the door] Hey, Jess. Uh... just want you to know everyone really loves Paul. And also, we can hear everything you're saying.

Jess:
What?

Winston:
Play through.

Nick:
After you, Jess. Excuse me.

Jess:
So, um... just a heads-up. Uh... we're just rehearsing a play that, uh, Nick is writing. It's called... Big-Time. It's... it's about a man who, um, loves another man named Paul and it's not very good. I'm so sorry.

Winston:
Here's what I was thinking, okay? If we wanna win this concert, we play something cool, like "Eye of the Tiger."

Bianca:
What's "Eye of the Tiger"?

Winston:
"Eye of the Tiger" is the greatest song ever written. It's so cool, it ended the Cold War.

Jess:
That's not even a little bit true.

[After Winston was mean to Jess's bell group]

Jess:
You know what, I love running this group. It gives me confidence, it gives me muscle definition. Yes, sometimes it gives me blinding optical migraines where I literally can't see three feet in front of myself. But I love these kids. And I'm sorry I kicked you out of group, but one thing you can't do with these kids is make it about you.

Winston:
Jess, I don't see what the big deal is, okay? I only practiced with you guys a couple of times.

Jess:
You're such a tonkel!

Winston:
Whoa, hold it! Don't nobody call me a tonkel.

Jess:
If you tell them they aren't good, that's one more person telling them that. That's a big deal to me, making sure no one else gives up on them. Even if they sound like a guy covered in bells falling down a staircase that's also made of bells. I know you've had a hard month, I know you don't have a job, but, God, they're just kids. Also, what happened to the refrigerator and the sofa? Did we get robbed by giants?

Jess:
[in a British accent, with a pair of lacy panties on her head] Mr. Darcy's going to love my new bonnet.

Cece:
Why are we here?

Jess:
You don't understand. You've never been cheated on before. Spencer and I never tried anything new, and maybe if I'd been... more erotic...

Cece:
Spencer cheated on you because he's a total jerk, not 'cause you're bad in bed.

Jess:
It's been six years. Everything I know about sex, I learned from Spencer or the Clinton impeachment trial.

[Flashback starts]

NPR on the radio:
He used a cigar as a sexual aid with her in the Oval Office area...

Jess's mother:
Jess!

Young Jess:
Mom?! [shoves the radio] I'm not listening to NPR.

[End of flashback]

Jess:
[whistles while holding a starfish lingerie]

Cece:
No. No whistle. It's terrible!

Jess:
Uh, excusez-moi. Can I try this on, please?

Clerk:
Oh, the starfish. You can't try that on. Health code.

Jess:
I'll take it! I hope Paul's packing some coral polyps, 'cause this starfish is hungry. Starfish eat coral polyps.

Cece:
Just pay, Jess.

Jess:
[in an old-timey newscaster voice, wearing the starfish lingerie] You are hot, hot, hot.

Paul:
Thank you.

Jess:
Hello, weather service? Oh! There's a heat wave from Portsmouth to Port, Kansas!

Paul:
I don't know, I don't... what is happening.

Jess:
We're talking dirty, Slim.

Paul:
Oh, okay. You want me to do... you're doing a voice. You want me to do a voice? Okay, um... [in a Jimmy Stewart voice] Well, I'm so happy to be here! [Back to normal voice] Jimmy Stewart? [as Jimmy Stewart] You look ravishing in your... netting...

Jess:
Thank you very much.

Paul:
... contraption.

Schmidt:
You look awesome.

Cece:
It's a before and after for a Bolivian diet pill.

Schmidt:
El Glatrax? Yeah, I've taken that.

Before girl:
I'm "before."

Schmidt:
Su-sure, you are, look at that.

Cece:
So you said you wanted to see me for something?

Schmidt:
Yes, I brought you a gift. I hope you appreciate that I have kept eye contact with you this whole time and made no reference to the fact that you are basically naked.

Cece:
Very proud of you, Schmidt.

Kyle:
Hey, hey. [tongue-kissing Cece]

Schmidt:
Oh, lot of tongue.

Kyle:
Done with her hair?

Schmidt:
With her...? No, I'm not the hair guy, man.

Cece:
Oh, no, no, no, this is my very good friend Schmidt, and he just came by to bring me a gift, so... It's perfume. Why does it say "Cecilia Number 5″?

Schmidt:
Actually, it says that because... you know, I ma... I made it specifically for you. Yeah, I found this place on 3rd Street where you can design your own perfume. Base notes of cocoa because of your brown, uh... ness. Sea salt, because it kind of sounds like Cece. Uh, and sandalwood... Sandalwood... always up to no good.

Jess:
[after Cece enters the bathroom] Hey, what are you doing in here?

Cece:
Kyle's being a jerk. What are you doing in here?

Jess:
Eating cookies and avoiding confrontation.

Cece:
Remember when Christmas used to be fun and all I had to do was worry about my drunk uncle asking me out?

Jess:
Yes, Uncle Pradeep. He thought I was a boy.

Cece:
Such a weirdo.

Jess:
[on the phone] Hi, yes, I'd like to order a last-minute stripper. Oh, um, preferably of Asian heritage, very bendy, with a heart of gold and a crotch of gold.

Jess:
[giving Schmidt a tour of the makeshift party bus] Over here is kosher yogurt and honey.

Schmidt:
Kosher yog?

Jess:
We got some condoms over here-small, medium, large, whatever your preference.

Schmidt:
Well, I would use-

Jess:
I don't wanna know. And the R-rated section in the back with the stripper pole. It's normally used for stability, but tonight it's gonna be used for $50 worth of seminudity.

Schmidt:
Coincidentally, I'm wearing my lap dance pants.

Jess:
[asking Julia to help her get out of a traffic ticket] So... can you help me?

Julia:
I mean, I can try. You never know. A judge might buy into this whole thing, so...

Jess:
What "whole thing"?

Julia:
Your whole thing. With the cupcakes, and the braking for birds, and... "bluebirds come and help me dress in the morning."

Jess:
Oh, I didn't know I was doing a thing.

Julia:
It's a great thing. I mean, the big, beautiful eyes, like a scared baby. I'm sure that gets you out of all kinds of stuff.

Jess:
Yeah. Yeah, except my peripheral vision's, like, almost too good.

Julia:
Hey, so... living here, it's probably fun, right?

Jess:
Yeah.

Julia:
There are, like, lots of girls coming in and out of this place?

Jess:
Schmidt's like Ellis Island in the 1800s. He accepts everyone.

Jess:
[After she and Julia walk out of the courtroom] Hey! I have something to say to you, man.

Julia:
What?

Jess:
I brake for birds. I rock a lot of polka dots. I have touched glitter in the last 24 hours. I spend my entire day talking to children. And I find it fundamentally strange that you're not a dessert person. That's just weird, and it freaks me out. And I'm sorry I don't talk like Murphy Brown. And I hate your pantsuit. I wish it had ribbons on it or something to make it just slightly cuter. And that doesn't mean I'm not smart and tough and strong.

Julia:
Okay.

Jess:
And I know you like Nick, and I'm not trying to interfere, but you should just talk to him about it.

Julia:
Are you done?

Jess:
I am almost done. I'm about to go and pay this $800 fine, and my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch.

Remy:
[rubbing Nick's back and fondling him] I'm gonna start unbuttoning your pants, and then I'm gonna unbutton my shirt. I'm not gonna take my underpants off, though. Not right away, I'm gonna keep my underpants on until I let you take my underpants off, Nick. Okay? 'Cause you are gonna be the Underpants Captain tonight.

Nick:
[clearly uncomfortable] Makes sense.

Jess:
Great choice, Remy. Nick will make a fantastic Underpants Captain.

Schmidt:
Look... Kim, this wasn't your standard 2:00 a.m. mistaken assault in the parking garage. I've had a thing for you ever since I was the husky kid in the mailroom. And if... if you don't believe me... here you go. [hands Kim his 2007 New Year's resolutions] Straight from '07. Read resolution number four. It's about you.

Kim:
[reading from the sheet of paper] "Only think about hot new CFO every other time I masturbate."

Jess:
It's my first single Valentine's Day in six years, and I... I need to go out, okay? We need to go out. 'Cause I'm feeling pretty twirly.

Schmidt:
Twirly?

Jess:
Twirly.

Schmidt:
Is that like horny?

Jess:
I got the dirty twirls, Schmidtty. Watch out, 'cause you're about to get laid... world!

Cece:
What are you doing?

Jess:
I'm packing an overnight bag in case I have one-night sex. I've got a T-shirt, socks...

Cece:
Is this a sewing kit?

Jess:
Yes, it's a sewing kit. Stain remover. [holds up the stain remover] Hello!

Cece:
You don't have one-night stands-you get way too attached. I mean, you could have an emotional connection with a shoe on the side of the road.

Jess:
Oh, one shoe? I hate that.

Jess:
I think I changed a life today, you guys. I pulled a Gandhi, a real Gandhi. There's a student of mine, he's been bullied for the past few months, so after warning the kids that there would be serious repercussions if this continued, I delivered a lesson... in the key of learning. Learning minor.

Winston:
[reading the comments on Jess's YouTube video] Look at this. "This teacher is muy caliente."

Jess:
Hot, hot, hot.

Winston:
"I'd like to grade her on a curve."

Jess:
Yep.

Winston:
"Finally, entertainment that doesn't resort to salty language."

Jess:
Finally.

Winston:
Jess, these commenters are all you, aren't they?

Jess:
Yes. Yes, they are.

Nick:
Is Sadie a gynecologist?

Jess:
No, she's an OB/GYN.

Nick:
[groans] I'm gonna go.

Jess:
It's a different thing.

Nick:
I'm gonna get out of here, actually, I think.

Jess:
Yeah? I don't think you are.

[Nick tries to get up from the chair, but can't because of the pain from his injury]

Jess:
Nick, she's a wizard with a speculum. [Nick keeps groaning] Nick!

Nick:
I don't have a vagina.

Sweet older woman:
You can take mine. [chuckles]

Jess:
[laughs] I heard that, sister.

Sweet older woman:
True dat.

[Nick groans]

[On the beach, after Nick runs into the ocean]

Winston:
I'm a little drunk, and I can't be too sure, but I think you're finally about to see your best friend's penis.

Schmidt:
Nick- he's gonna sh- he's gonna show his penis to the ocean and not me? Nick, wait! [runs after Nick]

Jess:
[on her new hutch] Can you believe I found this on the street? Who would want to throw this away?

Schmidt:
A blind man who suddenly recovered his sight? Get rid of it, Jess-pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.

Jess:
I pay rent, so I think that gives me the right to add a few things.

Schmidt:
Jess... [chuckles] you're wrong. Okay? My answer's no.

Jess:
Well, my answer is yes. I'm keeping the hutch.

Schmidt:
I had a bad night. I'm really, I'm just asking you, please d-don't push me. 'Cause then I'll have to reinstate my ban on high-waisted shorts.

Jess:
You would not dare.

Schmidt:
Try me.

Jess:
That was the worst four weeks of my life.

Jess:
He washed his hands in a public restroom.

Schmidt:
And there was a man in there. And he was using the toilet, full sit, no door. And I didn't break eye contact. Not once.

Winston:
That's not letting go, that's cruising.

Jess:
I'll raise the money myself. I'll get a ragtag group of kids together. A lost soul, an orphan, a Jewish kid with a keyboard, a little slut who can dance, and one fatso, and I'll choreograph some dances, make a show.

Vice principal Tanya:
You did that already, Jess. It's called the spring musical, and it literally brought in $60.

Jess:
[driving to Russell's office while talking on the cell phone with Nick and Schmidt] I'm gonna start with a quote against social Darwinism, then a discussion of the Gilded Age, the robber barons, the Great Society, how we ended up with a huge wealth disparity in this country, and then, I end with a bluegrass version of Public Enemy's "Fight the Power."

Nick:
Bad finish.

Jess:
[to Russell] I don't go on dates very often. Guys my age always wanna skip the date and just go right for the gold. Which I don't give them because I'm stingy with my gold. Unless they dig for it.

[Jess arrives at the apartment, where a party full of people in their early twenties is taking place]

Jess:
What's going on? Why is the cast of The Social Network in our apartment?

Nick:
Dirk is a genius! 20-year-old girls-they think I'm awesome! And look at 'em! They don't know what Saved by the Bell is and they've never felt pain.

Jess:
[To Cece] Are you ready to run? I have my playlist all ready. Actually, it's Diane Keaton's autobiography, and she just filmed First Wives Club, and it's getting me pumped!

Winston:
Schmidt said he thinks about you sometimes when he's making love to himself.

Jess:
What?

Schmidt:
One time.

Jess:
What?!

Schmidt:
I thought about bangs and your face just appeared beneath them. Okay, by the way, like I'm the only one. Nick told me it happened to him, like, like, a bunch of times.

Nick:
Winston, you told me the first week you got back from Latvia, you had a sex dream about Jess, and she had raccoon hands.

Winston:
Dreams do not count.

Jess:
You've all thought about me while self-completing?!

Jess:
I love these parties. I feel like I'm an ambassador, or a spy, or, like, a really high-class prostitute.

Russell:
Well, Jess, it's a political fundraiser. Who's to say you can't be all three?

Jess:
[to Russell] That's where I live, and those are my friends. And that wasn't even the first stabbing this month. And Russell, my life is just as important as your life. And if you wanna get with me, you're gonna have to get with my friends, and that is a Spice Girls song.

Jess:
But you're using birth control, right?

Cece:
Yeah, of course. It's just that Schmidt gets so athletic that birth control becomes like one of those plastic barbecue covers in a hurricane.

Jess:
I didn't wanna know that. Okay, the pregnancy test doesn't work until after six days, so just get through the weekend and don't tell Schmidt until you're sure.

Cece:
Yeah, no, of course not, of course. It's just... I can't stop thinking about what a Schmidt baby would be like.

Jess:
Just, I mean, I, I don't know.

Cece:
Would it just wanna nurse 24 hours a day?

Jess:
Probably. We could make it, like, a douche baby jar.

Jess:
I know having your teacher dating your dad is weird, um, but I just want you to know that, um, you can ask me anything.

Sarah:
Really?

Jess:
Yeah, anything.

Sarah:
Are you in love with my dad?

Jess:
Hmm... Oh...

Sarah:
Do you and my dad ever dry-lump?

Jess:
G... Uh...

Sarah:
Is sexting cool?

Jess:
What? No, it's not cool.

Sarah:
Have you done a 99?

Jess:
I think that's a tax form.

Sarah:
Have you ever given anyone plow chops?

Jess:
I don't know.

Sarah:
How do you make love to a person animal-style?

Jess:
Do you wanna learn how to play bridge?

Nadia:
[opening the door for Schmidt] Cece, the Jewish is here to make sex.

Schmidt:
Uh, it's actually Schmidt. Um, we've met, uh, many times.

Nadia:
Right. I hear you make sex through Cece wall. You sound like dog being stepped on. [barking weakly]

Schmidt:
Any noises I make, they come from a very truthful place.

Jess:
[on her awkward steam room encounter with Ouli] It was really foggy, and I kept making eye contact with her nipples.

Schmidt:
Know this: you're not the only one that's hurting here, Jessica Day. The economy stinks, bees are dying, movies are pretty much all sequels now, and I...

Jess:
Don't say "broken penis."

Schmidt:
... have a broken penis. Don't pretend to know my pain.

[After Paul told his Asian girlfriend Jenn that he and Jess had slept together]

Jess:
[to Jenn] I thought you were Asian me, but now I realize I'm just Caucasian you.

Jenn:
What?

Paul:
What?

Jess:
[to Nick] You're making a huge, life-ruining mistake by moving in with a woman who turned you into an agoraphobic, turtle-faced, borderline alcoholic.

Schmidt:
[about Cece] She's never gonna be happy with somebody like me, Jess.

Jess:
What? That's crazy.

Schmidt:
That's why I'm gonna have to White Fang her.

Jess:
Schmidt, come on! Look, I try not to judge what you guys do, but please don't tell me things like that.

Schmidt:
No, no, Jess, Jess. The book: White Fang.

Schmidt:
Winston, if you think those shoes are brown, what color do you think you are?

Nick:
My life's filled with regret.

Jessica:
You know, you can't just pretend like it didn't happen.

Nick:
Or I could pretend to be more like you, Jess and live on a sparkly rainbow and drive a unicorn around and just sing all the time.

Jessica:
Yeah, I think you should sing all the time.

Nick:
No, I was being mean. I'm not gonna do that.

Jessica:
Why not? It's fun.

Nick:
Because I have a penis.

Jess:
[after accidently seeing Nick naked] What am I going to do?! He's never going to speak to me again. I'm so embarrassed!

Winston:
It's not a big deal. I've seen Nick's stuff, like, a million times.

Schmidt:
You have? I mean...how?

Winston:
We grew up together. Locker rooms, swimming pools, penis fights...it just happens.

Schmidt:
Why haven't I seen it?

Winston:
Why do you wanna see it?

Schmidt:
He's my best friend!

Winston:
Again, why do you wanna see it?

Schmidt:
What if Nick has an accident? What if he's horribly disfigured and I have to identify him, and all the remains are his private parts? I'm standing there and I'm saying: "Sorry officer, I can't help you, because, no, I haven't seen his penis", and boom, he's buried in an unmarked grave.

Winston:
Again, why do you wanna see it?

Winston:
You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost. You weigh more than your credit score.