The Golden Girls, Season 3

Blanche:
Girls, guess what I found. [takes a teddy bear from behind her back] Fernando!

Rose:
That's not Fernando.

Blanche:
Well what do you mean that's not Fernando? How could you tell?

Rose:
All you have to do is look in his eyes.

Dorothy:
Or at the price tag stuck to his back.

Sophia:
I'm making a scarf for a friend I don't have anymore.

Rose:
I know exactly how you feel. [holds up a pair of teddy bear-sized overalls] I made these for Fernando.

Daisy:
[holding a water pistol to Fernando the teddy bear's head] See this water pistol? It's loaded with red ink!

[Rose walks in]

Blanche:
Oh Rose, don't move, honey! She's got the teddy bear and a water pistol!

Blanche:
Rose, see, honey, Fernando doesn't exactly belong to you anymore. Well I kinda gave him to Daisy by mistake. So, you understand now-just a silly misunderstanding! See? [everyone except Rose is laughing nervously]

Rose:
No. Get him back. I want my teddy!

Blanche:
But honey, she's a child! You can't expect a child to give back a toy! Now, you do understand, don't you?

Rose:
Just cut the crap and get back the damn bear!

Sophia:
[referring to the bench] Someone sitting there?

Alvin:
Cataracts or glaucoma?

Blanche:
She's not a sweet kid anymore. She is holding Fernando for ransom!

Dorothy:
Come on....

Blanche:
Dorothy, she sent me one of his ears!!!

Blanche:
So that's when this saleman from men's sportswear walks clear across the store into ladies' petite and says, "Oh excuse me, miss, but I noticed you've been having a hard time deciding between the turquoise strapless and the flaming red backless. Well, personally I'd like to see you in the backless." And I said, "When?" And he said, "How about Saturday night?" And I said, "How about in your dreams, sleazo!" Can you believe the nerve of that guy?

Rose:
What were you doing in ladies petite?

Sophia:
[referring to who's buying her breakfast] It's Alvin.

Rose:
Alvin from the boardwalk?

Sophia:
No Rose, Alvin from The Chipmunks.

(Daisy comes over holding Fernando)

Daisy:
Hello.

Dorothy:
What do you want?

Daisy:
Well...I decided that it was wrong to ask for all those gifts.

Blanche:
Oh, see, Dorothy? I knew that she was a sensible kid! She just needed-

Daisy:
I've decided that cash is better. That way I can buy exactly what I want.

Blanche:
...I'll get my purse.

Rose:
No, Blanche, I'm not going to let you do that. I've been doing a lot of thinking. If, after all the years of love and companionship, Fernando and I are meant to part company, I'll just have to accept that. Time to time, life deals you an unfriendly hand; there's nothing you can do about it.

(She walks Daisy over to the door, and opens it for her)

Rose:
I guess there's a lesson to be learned here. Sometimes, life just isn't fair, kiddo.

(She grabs Fernando and hurls Daisy out of the front door, slamming it behind her)

(Sophia sits on Alvin's bench at the boardwalk at night, alone. Dorothy comes up behind her.)

Sophia:
He's not coming back, is he?

Dorothy:
No, Ma. His daughter took him to a clinic in New York.

Sophia:
You think he'll remember me?

Dorothy:
I don't know, Ma.

Sophia:
I'll remember him.

(They get up and start to walk away)

Sophia:
It figures. I just finished the scarf today.

Dorothy:
That's nice, Ma! Next time we're in New York, you can stop by and bring it to him.

Sophia:
No, I think I'll mail it. That way, I can always think of him as being here.

(A man comes along behind them, takes out a pipe, and sits down on Alvin's bench. Sophia turns and sees him.)

Sophia:
Hey! Someone's sitting there!

(The man gets up and hurries away. Dorothy and Sophia slowly walk as the camera pans up on the empty bench.)

[Dorothy and Blanche enter the kitchen. Dorothy is holding a pizza box.]

Dorothy:
Hi, Rose.

Blanche:
We brought dinner.

Rose:
What'd you get?

Dorothy:
[gestures with the pizza box] A bucket of chicken. I hope you like it extra flat and crispy.

[the doorbell rings]

Blanche:
Who on earth could that be at three o'clock in the morning?

Dorothy:
Maybe it's a Jehovah's Witness with a caffeine problem?

Sophia:
[in a flashback] Where are you goin'?

Sal:
To get some air.

Sophia:
We got air in the house.

Sal:
I like beer with my air.

Blanche:
I think I have a little more endurance than you.

Dorothy:
Blanche, we are not dancing on our backs.

Rose:
Girls, wait a minute! We're talking about the sacred institution of marriage here! Are you willing to sacrifice the happiness of these two kids for the almighty dollar?

Blanche, Dorothy, Sophia:
Yes!

Rose:
I just wanted to be sure we were in agreement.

Dorothy:
[handing Priscilla a crystal goblet after Priscilla announces she and Ramón are eloping] Listen, we were going to give you your wedding gift tomorrow, but since we won't see you, why don't you take it home with you tonight?

Priscilla:
Oh, thank you! [she quickly leaves]

Blanche:
Good night. [To Dorothy] Dorothy, are you crazy?! We're going to lose a fortune on this wedding!

Rose:
And you let her march out that door with your best piece of crystal!

Dorothy:
[into the telephone] Hello, police? Yes, I'd like to report a robbery.

Rose:
[arriving at the dance tournament and seeing Blanche and Dorothy there] Hi, girls!

Dorothy:
Et tu, Judas?

Rose:
No, it's me, Rose. I'm just wearing my hair a little differently.

Rose:
Well, let me give you a little friendly advice - you're wasting your time, because that $1,000 prize is going to be mine. When I was younger I was known as the Dancing Fool.

Dorothy:
How old were you when they dropped the "Dancing" part? [she and Blanche crack up]

Rose:
[to her dance partner] You know, this reminds me of the big dance back in St. Olaf to kick off Pretzel Week. My Uncle Gunther, after the Great Beernut Shortage of '29---

Dorothy:
Foul! Foul! Send a judge over here! [pointing at Rose] This woman is trying to put us to sleep!

Rose:
[to Baby] There you are; you get into the kitchen and eat your slop before I spank that little pig fanny!

Sophia:
All right, I'm going, I'm going... [Dorothy looks at her in horror] oh sorry. That's the way they used to call us for dinner in the home.

Blanche:
Dorothy, I cannot let you do this.

Dorothy:
Blanche, get out of my way.

Blanche:
I want that car, Dorothy. I will give you anything.

Dorothy:
Blanche, we have to tell Rose the truth.

Blanche:
I'll give you one of my sons. I have given this a lot of thought, Dorothy. I have had four sons, I have never had a Mercedes. What do you say? Which one do you want? Biff, Doug, Skippy-- no, don't take Skippy. He's got asthma.

Dorothy:
Blanche, this has gone far enough.

Rose:
[about Baby] In a lot of ways, he reminds me of Jimmy Dean.

Dorothy:
The actor or the sausage?

Sophia:
Twenty-five grand in 10 seconds? Now I know how Johnny Carson feels!

Sophia:
[describing what happened after she broke her glasses] It took me six hours to find my way home.

Dorothy:
Ma, if you couldn't see, why didn't you call me to come get you?

Sophia:
I tried to, but every time I put in a dime and dialed, a condom popped out. I've got 5 in my pocket, here Dorothy. A lifetime's supply.

Dororhy:
[asking the veterinarian after Baby's collapsed] How is Baby, doc?

Sophia:
I read in Newsweek they ran him out of Haiti!

Marguerite:
Alright, I won't go on with this charade any longer... there is something else -- I'm black. If that's a problem for you, I'm white. Of course that will cost you extra.

Dorothy:
Oh, Marguerite, I could kiss you!

Marguerite:
And I don't go for that freaky stuff.

Rose:
[while Blanche is sitting next to them] Neither do Dorothy and I.

Marguerite:
[after the girls discover what purports to be a charm placed under Dorothy's bed to help her sleep] I was just trying to be helpful. I figured with those terrible bags, you needed the rest.

Rose:
Dorothy always looks like that.

Blanche:
Besides, it would take a lot more than rest to get rid of those babies.

Dorothy:
Listen, I have an idea; why don't you all take turns hitting me with a two-by-four?

Blanche:
Girls, we can't fire her now. She's making me an aphrodisiac.

Dorothy:
Use vodka and black underwear like everyone else!

Dorothy:
I mean, when you look at it, has anything that out of the ordinary really happened?

[suddenly a man in a crow costume parachutes down onto the lanai.]

Man:
This isn't the Orange Bowl, is it?

Blanche:
Well then everything was just a misunderstanding, and Norman really did dump me for a fat woman!

Sophia:
No kidding, fatter than you?

Sophia:
[to Marguerite] So what's all this about you putting a curse on my daughter?

Dorothy:
[doomed] We're all gonna be turned into kumquats.

Sophia:
[about Dorothy's joke] Just because you have a chin doesn't mean you're Jay Leno.

Dorothy:
The way to relax when you have to speak in front of a group of people is to imagine what they all look like naked.

Rose:
Really?

Dorothy:
Yep. And if you do it right, you'll probably even start to laugh.

Blanche:
[stares at Rose for a few seconds, shrugs, and then begins staring at Dorothy, then bursts out laughing hysterically. After a few seconds Rose starts to laugh too. Dorothy, exasperated, exits the room.]

Blanche:
What if you were giving a eulogy for me, Dorothy? What would you say?

Dorothy:
Well... I think I'd say that you were a kind, generous and loving person, and one of the best friends I've ever had.

Blanche:
Nothing about my looks?

Dorothy:
Okay, I'd say you were one of the prettiest friends I've ever had.

Blanche:
Only "one of"?

Dorothy:
The, Blanche! The prettiest. ... What would you say about me?

Blanche:
Dorothy...

Dorothy:
I told you, you can tell me.

Blanche:
Well, I think I'd say that... I always felt safe having you in the house. And I'd say that I always enjoyed talking to you when I came home from one of my numerous dates. And I'd say that I always looked up to you, like an older sister.

Dorothy:
Thank you, Blanche. Oh, and I forgot one thing: I would also say you're fat.

Blanche:
Night after night I had this awful dream that I was trapped in an enclosed space full of men!

Dorothy:
Now what could that mean? [short pause] Let's give this a second...

Blanche:
Damn! I don't have one thing in black that isn't see-through.

Dorothy:
Girls, I have some bad news. I am not going to be able to go with you [to the funeral].

Rose:
Why not?

Dorothy:
It's Ma. She's sick. I'm going to have to take her to the hospital.

Blanche:
Oh, Doro-... wait a minute! She - she left for that cooking contest about ten minutes ago!

Dorothy:
She called. She had a bad cannoli when she got there. Right now she is doubled over with cramps, crying out with pain and... [Sophia enters the house, looking perfectly healthy]... making the most spectacular comeback since Dennis Hopper!

Rose:
Are you all right, Sophia?

Sophia:
Of course I'm all right. It's just that halfway to the contest, I realized I forgot the wine.

Rose:
For your mussels marinara?

Sophia:
No, for me. I always drink wine during cooking contests and My Sister Sam.

Rose:
Dorothy, Sophia's not sick! She didn't eat a bad cannoli! So whoever called and said that was just making the whole thing up.

Dorothy:
Rose, do me a favor and fasten your seatbelt... over your mouth!

Dorothy:
Rose, I take it that no member of your family was ever a returning champion on Jeopardy!.

Rose:
I'm concerned about nuclear war!

Dorothy:
And just yesterday, her biggest concern was whether Bubbles the Chimp was traveling with Michael Jackson against his will.

Sophia:
[Singing to the tune of "Thanks for the Memory"] "Thanks for the Medicare / For Blue Cross and Blue Shield / For a hip that finally healed / Remember, on prescriptions, generic is a steal / We thank you so much!" Okay, what did you think? Now don't hold back, I can take the criticism.

Blanche:
Depressing.

Dorothy:
Awful.

Rose:
Stinky.

Sophia:
[Unplugging her boombox and storming out] Go to hell, all of ya!

Blanche:
Dorothy! I've just been speaking to that good looking reporter over there who just got back from Russia, and he told me some very interesting things. It snows there in the summertime, and they don't have many attractive women - do you realize what that means? When we go to Russia I will have my pick of any man in the country and you can make a snowman in June!

Blanche:
[about the article in the paper about her supposed affair with Gil Kessler] You girls don't believe this. Well, I mean, I'm not denying that's me in the photograph but I am denying that anything happened. I just dropped off his folder.

Dorothy:
Then why does it say here that you were in his house for two hours?

Blanche:
We were just talking.

Rose:
Then why does it say the explosion was so great it shattered windows in the building next door?

Dorothy:
Rose, that's an article about an earthquake in Guatemala!

Blanche:
My backside is spread all across the front page! How could they do that?

Sophia:
They probably used a wide-angle lens.

Dorothy:
Ma, ma, you promised you'd stay in your room 'til the meeting was over.

Sophia:
Who am I, ALF?

Dorothy:
[examining photo in newspaper of Gil Kessler's alleged "mistress"] Wait a minute, that looks like Blanche's red dress!

Sophia:
And those look like Blanche's red shoes!

Dorothy:
And aren't they her diamond earrings and gold bracelet?

Rose:
That little floozy stole Blanche's clothes!!!

Dorothy:
It's like having Agatha Christie right here in our kitchen.

Rose:
[walks up to Blanche holding newspaper] Blanche, it's YOU!

Blanche:
Oh, you're gettin' so good at that, Rose. [points at Dorothy] Now who's that over there?

Sophia:
Look at this picture of Kessler, Dorothy. There's a secret behind those eyes. Trust my hunch on this one, I'm never wrong.

Dorothy:
Oh, come on. Ma, remember your hunch about your nephew Angelo? You said one day he'd be pope!

Sophia:
Dorothy, you gotta pay attention! I said one day he'd sell dope! What do you think he went to Attica for? The volleyball program?

Blanche:
Dorothy, quick, turn on the television. Gil's press conference is about to start.

Rose:
Gosh, I'm nervous. I hope they're not too hard on him.

Dorothy:
Well, I wouldn't be too sure of that. Look at all of those reporters.

Blanche:
Yeah! There's Charlie Thompson, and Fred Leone, and Mike Devlin!

[All of the girls give Blanche a funny look]

Blanche:
I had lunch at the Press Club once.

Rose:
Only once? Gosh, it took me two years to learn everybody's name on Eight is Enough!

Blanche:
[answers the telephone]) Hello. Yes, this is Blanche Devereaux. Yes, that Blanche Devereaux, and no, I did not! Absolutely not! I will tell it to a judge! I will yell it from the highest mountaintops! I will swear to it on a stack of Bibles! [hangs up telephone] Now did that sound like a liar?

Dorothy:
No. It sounded like Jim and Tammy Faye on Nightline!

Rose:
I'm still confused about the operation that Gil Kessler had. Is the man asleep during it?

Dorothy:
I think so.

Rose:
And what about the parts they put on? Do they test them first?

Dorothy:
Of course, Rose. You know, like windshield wipers.

Rose:
So they work?

Dorothy:
I assume so, yes.

Rose:
[Brief pause] ...What are they made of?

Dorothy:
[irritated] Silly Putty, Rose!

Blanche:
I don't normally speak to people who call me a liar.

Dorothy:
Oh, come on, Blanche, we're in public. There's no need to be hostile.

Blanche:
Oh, yes, there is. I don't like you.

Dorothy:
And horizontal stripes make you look like Roger Ebert!

Sophia:
Drink this. It's a secret potion from the old country, guaranteed to put you to sleep.

Rose:
Looks like milk.

Sophia:
Trust me, Rose. Drink it, slowly. That's right, down the hatch. [unbeknownst to Rose, Sophia takes a saucepan from the cupboard] We call this Sicilian Sominex. Now, you might feel a slight tingling. But believe me, you'll sleep like a baby. [walks up to Rose from behind and raises saucepan]

Rose:
I don't feel any tingling. When's it going to hit me?

[Blanche walks in]

Blanche:
Sophia! What are you doin'?

Sophia:
[Freezes with the saucepan in her hand] ...I was making a souffle, and it got away from me!

Stan:
[after Sophia opens the door] Hi Sophia. I have a surprise for Dorothy!

Sophia:
What? Now that you're off the blood pressure medicine its working again?

Ted:
Hello Mrs. Petrillo. I'm Stan's brother, Ted. You remember? We danced together at the wedding?

Sophia:
Where were you when they got divorced? I was looking for someone to dance with then.

Dorothy:
Floozy.

Blanche:
Tramp.

Dorothy:
I, I am a tramp? Blanche, have you heard the latest ad campaigns? "Join the Navy, see the world, sleep with Blanche Devereaux!" "Join the Army, be all you can be and sleep with Blanche Devereaux!" [raising voice] The Marines are looking for a few good men who have NOT slept with Blanche Devereaux!

Dorothy:
Where did you come from?

Blanche:
Oh, I was hiding behind the drapes.

Dorothy:
What is this, Hamlet?

Stan:
So Blanche, is Ted over here?

Blanche:
What?

Stan:
Oh I get it, he's in the shower.

Blanche:
Stanley, your brother isn't here.

Stan:
Come on Blanche. Did you get it with Ted?

Blanche:
What?

Stan:
You know. Cha-cha-cha, tango,tango,ole, ole

Rose:
Nobody here speaks Spanish Stan.

Stan:
Oh I got it, right, I can play dumb.

Sophia:
Play, you could manage the team.

Dorothy:
[taking microphone at restaurant] Ladies and gentlemen! May I have your attention please? The gentleman at table five, in the blue suit [meaning Ted], is impotent. Bon appetit.

Ted:
Good night, Blanche.

Blanche:
Well, what's your hurry? Come on in for a nightcap.

Ted:
Oh, I don't want to put you out.

Blanche:
Well, I like to put out. ... I mean, it's no trouble.

Sophia:
[interrupting Blanche's attempts to seduce Ted] Don't mind me. The Best of Carson is comin' on.

Blanche:
In here?!!

Sophia:
No, Blanche, in Hollywood, but they pipe it through these little wires and it comes out here.

Ted:
I really have to say goodnight now. Thanks for everything.

Sophia:
Why? You didn't get everything.

Blanche:
Rose tells us you're gettin' married.

Sven:
Yes, and I hope I'm good at it. I don't have that much experience vith vomen.

Blanche:
A big, strong, handsome thing like you? Get out of here!

Sven:
Vell, it vas nice meeting all of you. [runs out front door]

Rose:
[following Sven] It was an expression, Sven!

Blanche:
[to Dorothy] You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I think Rose got the brains in that family.

Blanche:
[explaining what happened with Sven] I did kiss him, but it was just pretend. We were having lunch at Fairview Gardens when Floyd McAllen walked in with another woman, so I pretended Swen was my boyfriend just to make Floyd jealous.

Dorothy:
Did you explain any of this to Sven?

Blanche:
I assumed he knew!

Dorothy:
Blanche, how could you assume anything?! The man offered to kill dinner for us last night!

Blanche:
Maybe I made a mistake, but I don't think I did anything so terrible!

Rose:
Well, I do! There is a sweet, innocent man in there whose heart is gonna get broken because you decided to use him in one of your little petty games.

Blanche:
Rose, that's only one side of it. Look at the other side - he did get to kiss me!

Dorothy:
Big deal. More people get to kiss you than the Pope's ring!

Rose:
I got caught up at work and I barely had time to pick up this cake. I wanted to make Sven feel welcome.

Blanche:
Rose! That cake is from the Get It While It's Hot Erotic Bake Shop!

Dorothy:
[opening up the cake box and then quickly closing it] WHOA!!!!!

Blanche:
Why, Rose Nylund, why, that cake is in the shape of...

Dorothy:
Blanche, we know what it is.

Rose:
I thought it was in the shape of Florida!

Blanche:
That reminds me...I wanna give Charlie Milbourne a call.

Dorothy:
If this cake reminds you of Charlie Milbourne we can both give him a call!

Dorothy:
$5000...we don't have that kind of money!

IRS Auditor:
Uncle Sam doesn't like to hear that.

Dorothy:
Aunt Dorothy doesn't enjoy saying it!

IRS Auditor:
I expect you each to cough up $2500 in 30 days.

Dorothy:
What if we can't!

IRS Auditor:
We'll just have to put a lien on your bank accounts, your property, and your salaries, and if THAT doesn't work, we'll just have to incarcerate you.

Stan:
Oh my God. We're going to jail! [breaks down in tears]

Dorothy:
That's right Stanley, and please, let me know where you and Bubba register for your china. [slaps him on the back and storms out]

Blanche:
Still worried about the money you owe the government?

Dorothy:
Oh no, Blanche, I'm worried about whether Michael Jackson will be able to buy the remains of the Elephant Man.

Rose:
Really? Gee, I'd be worried about the money.

Sophia:
Let me tell you girls the three most important things I've learned about life. Number one, hold fast to your friends. Number two, there's no such thing as security. Number three, don't go see Ishtar. Woof! [makes face]

Blanche:
[on why she's excited about taking a night-school Spanish class with Rose] Men go to night school - smart men. And nothing turns me on more than a smart man. Unless it's a stupid man with good hands.

Rose:
You know that promotion I'm up for at the counseling center? Well, I found out I can't have it unless I become bilingual.

Blanche:
Oh, honey, don't do that! No job is worth having to date women!

Dorothy:
Blanche, "bilingual" refers to a person who speaks more than one language.

Blanche:
[laughing] Oh! Why'd I think it was something sexual?

Dorothy:
The REAL problem is you, Blanche. You are selfish.

Blanche:
Oh, please! Everybody always says what a giving person I am!

Sophia:
She's talking about when you're in an upright position!

Man:
[in a flashback scene, responding to a personal ad of Dorothy's that Rose put in the newspaper] Dorothy?

Dorothy:
Have we met?

Man:
Not yet. I'm here because of your ad in the paper, "Willing to do anything - $8 an hour, no job too big or small."

Dorothy:
Yes, yes, of course, please come in. I'm sorry, I didn't expect people to actually come here, I just figured, you know, that I would be going to them.

Man:
That's the way it'll work in the future, when my video camera gets back from the shop.

Dorothy:
So tell me, what kind of work is it that you need done, Mr.---

Man:
Toto.

Dorothy:
---Mr. Toto?

Man:
Oh, no "Mr.," just "Toto." You're Dorothy, and I'm Toto. At least for the next eight dollars.

Rose:
Dorothy, you owe me an apology; your ad's right here. [points to newspaper]

Dorothy:
Oh Rose, this is the Personals column!

Rose:
So what?

Dorothy:
So what? You put an ad in the personals column that said I will do anything for eight dollars an hour?! Right under an ad that reads, "History professor seeking non-smoking Oriental woman who is into Wesson Oil and bears a resemblance to Florence Henderson."

Man:
Is that signed "Doug"?

Dorothy:
Yes.

Man:
I know him; he's a sick man.

Dorothy:
[showing her visitor to the door] I'm terribly sorry for this mixup; goodbye.

[The man leaves, and a priest then walks up to the open door]

Dorothy:
Oh my GOD, I don't believe this! I'm going to call the cops if you don't get out of here right away, you PERVERT!

Sophia:
[walks up carrying a large box and hands it to the bewildered-looking priest] Hi, Father Rossi! Here's the canned goods for the needy!

Dorothy:
[mortified] Oh, no... [to Father Rossi] I'm terribly sorry. I promise that I will say Hail Marys until Madonna has a hit movie.

[Another man enters through the open door after the priest leaves and walks up to Rose]

Man #2:
[to Rose] Hi! Here's my eight dollars! Let's get started, Dorothy!

Rose:
Oh, I'm not Dorothy; she is.

Man #2:
[to Dorothy] I'll give you four dollars. Let's get started.

Dorothy:
How would you like your rear end kicked across the street?!!

Man #2:
Oh, great! Here's the other four dollars!

[Dorothy throws Man #2 out of the house. Enter Blanche]

Blanche:
Girls! Girls! There's a busload of Greek sailors out front! They want to know how many drachma there are in eight dollars!

Sophia:
My name is Sophia Petrillo and my idea of a good psychiatrist is a bartender who pours without a spout.

[A flashback scene. Blanche is trying to convince Dorothy, who is sick, to go on a double date the two had agreed on.]

Dorothy:
Blanche, PLEASE! My body aches!

Blanche:
Well, so does mine, honey. That's why I wanna go on this date.

Blanche:
It is mind over matter. Now, Dorothy, you can get up off that couch! You're not sick anymore, Dorothy! You can... HEAL YOURSELF! WALK, DOROTHY, WALK!

Sophia:
Hey, just because you put your makeup on with a butter knife, doesn't make you Tammy Bakker.

Sophia:
[to Blanche] You know what I can't stand anymore? That phony accent of yours. What is this, Designing Women?

Dorothy:
Ma, another hot toddy? I think I've had enough!

Sophia:
Shut up and drink.

Dorothy:
This is the fourth one! Ma, that's an awful lot of whiskey!

Sophia:
I only put whiskey in the first one.

Dorothy:
Oh.

Sophia:
The second and third were vodka.

Dorothy:
No wonder my head is spinning!

Sophia:
This one's part Amaretto, part Sambuca. That should kill everything. It killed your father.

Rose:
[on Blanche] I think she's a gerchominochen!

Doctor:
Well, what exactly does that mean?

Rose:
Literally, it's the precise moment when dog doo turns white.

[Pause, as Blanche is shown with a horrified and shocked look on her face.]

Rose:
But in general, it refers to the kind of person you don't want to share your hodenkugels with.

Dorothy:
Rose, if you say one more of those stupid words, so help me...

Rose:
Oh, blow it out your tubenburbles!

Blanche:
[complaining about Dorothy] She wants everything to be just right. I'm surprised she doesn't check our underwear before we leave the house!

Dorothy:
[to Blanche] Those of you who wear underwear.

[Blanche initially looks startled, then looks up at the psychiatrist and smiles]

Sophia:
[to Dr. Ashley] I knew you were a quack! If you were a legitimate shrink you would've strung us along for months!

[A flashback scene. Blanche and Rose have just crawled into Dorothy's bed, where Dorothy is studying for an exam. Enter Sophia]

Sophia:
Okay, I wanna see six hands above that blanket right now!

Rose:
The only reason we're in bed with Dorothy is, we're scared.

Dorothy:
Scared? Of what?

Blanche:
Now Dorothy, don't you laugh, but we're scared of the aliens.

Dorothy:
Blanche, how many times have I told you not to call them "the aliens"? They are the Chungs and they happen to be very nice.

Sophia:
They're not very nice, they eat dogs.

Dorothy:
Ma, they do not eat dogs!

Sophia:
Right, it's just a coincidence that not one ever pees on their lawn.

Dorothy:
Ma, you made that up.

Rose:
Sophia, we're not talking about them anyway. We're talking about the aliens from outer space.

Dorothy:
Oh, those aliens. GET OUT! BOTH OF YOU!

Blanche:
Dorothy, now have a heart. Rose and I rented that movie Aliens, and it just scared us half to death!

Sophia:
It scared me too. That Sigourney Weaver's a sweet girl, but she really shouldn't go without makeup.

Dorothy:
I don't have TIME for this now, I have my education exam tomorrow morning!

Rose:
You mean you're kicking us out?

Dorothy:
Rose, I have to study!

Sophia:
That's my Dorothy, always with her nose in a book. Unlike your brother Phil, who was always with his nose in the dirty clothes hamper.

Blanche:
I cannot believe you would be so cold-blooded as to cast out your two dearest friends in this their time of need!

Dorothy:
And I can't believe that the two of you are so inconsiderate that you would disturb me with something this ridiculous when you know how important my exam is. If I don't pass it, I don't get my raise!

Sophia:
That's it, everybody out!

Blanche:
Sophia, we're scared!

Sophia:
I'm scared too, that we won't be able to afford meat on the table! You want to wind up swapping recipes with the Chungs? Out! Out!

Rose:
Sophia, are you busy?

Sophia:
Nah, I'm just drawing a line on the milk of magnesia bottle.

Rose:
Why?

Sophia:
I think the gardener's been sneaking a few sips!

Rose:
I have a problem.

Sophia:
All right. Take a sip, I'll draw another line.

Rose:
No, no, it's not that . . . my boss at the center made a pass at me!

Sophia:
Maybe you misunderstood; what exactly did he do?

Rose:
He called me in his office and threw me down on the couch and kissed me!

Sophia:
That's a pass . . . okay, I think I can help you. I'll tell you a story, Rose. Picture it--Sicily, 1922.

Blanche:
[rushes in] Sophia, I have a problem! I just saw the guy I've been dating out with another woman! Now, what do you think I oughta do?

Sophia:
I think you should sit down and picture Sicily, 1922. (Blanche sits) It was the worst of times; it was the worst of times. It was Sicily, 1922.

Dorothy:
[enters] Ma, I have a problem.

Sophia:
Just sit down and listen! First of all, is everyone who lives in this house here at this very moment!?

Dorothy:
Yes.

Sophia:
Then for the last time, PICTURE IT! Sicily, 1922! A beautiful young woman with breasts not unlike Brigitte Nielsen . . . except hers moved when she skipped! She comes walking down a picturesque country road when suddenly a yellow Rolls Royce pulls up and blocks her path!

Blanche:
Ohhh! Who was in the Rolls?

Sophia:
It doesn't matter, it's not important to the story. Anyway, the Rolls Royce moves on, and the girl finds her pepperoni is missing.

Rose:
What happened to it, Sophia?

Sophia:
Bambi ate it; how should I know?! You keep missing the point; the point is she has no pepperoni to bring to her family's table! She gets hysterical; she starts to run. She runs through the fields, the meadow, over the hill--until she comes to a raging river FILLED with pepperoni swimming upstream!

Dorothy:
Ma, pepperoni swimming upstream?

Sophia:
Yeah, I know, it's odd--pepperoni is a land meat. But there it was! She wades into the river, grabs an armful, and races home to feed her family. When she tells them the story, they think it's an act of God! But as it turns out a disgruntled pepperoni stuffer had blown up the factory in a neighboring town causing pepperoni to rain down over a hundred square miles--which is where the old Sicilian saying 'It's raining cats and pepperoni' comes from!

Sophia:
Is this helping anyone yet; cause this sure feels like an ending to me.

Rose:
Oh, it's helping me Sophia--what I got out of the story was that you should take a bad situation and make it better! [jumps up] I'm gonna tell my boss off! [rushes out]

Blanche:
That's not quite what I got out of it Sophia, I thought you were trying to tell me to dump my cheating boyfriend because there's lots of pepperoni in the sea!

Sophia:
Yeah...that's exactly what I was trying to tell you.

Blanche:
Thank you Sophia. [Blanche leaves]

Sophia:
What about you, Dorothy, did I help you with your problem?

Dorothy:
You sure did, Ma, I didn't know what to have for dinner. How about splitting a pepperoni pizza?

Sophia:
Sure, you buying?

Dorothy:
Does a pepperoni swim upstream?

Sophia:
It did once, let's go!

Blanche:
[upon seeing that she and Dorothy have purchased the exact same dress] It can't be!

Sophia:
Hey, don't panic. Get one for Rose and you can go as The Pointer Sisters.

Blanche:
Dorothy, this is crazy! Since when do you care how you look?

Dorothy:
I think it started when I came down from the bell tower and had my hump fixed!

Blanche:
This dress looks sensational on me; people expect to see me in a sensational dress!

Dorothy:
And what do they expect to see me in, a yarmulke and a Hefty Bag?

Blanche:
Dorothy, it deserves to be displayed on a devastatingly beautiful body!

Dorothy:
Who you gonna to send it to, Kim Basinger?

Blanche:
And what is that supposed to mean?

Dorothy:
Why don't you think about it while you're inhaling your next cheesecake?

[Dorothy walks out]

Blanche:
How dare she imply that I overeat! Makes me so mad... [she goes to the cupboard and opens it] Oh darn, we're out of Chips Ahoy.

Buddy:
Rose Nylund?

Sophia:
No, and if I start acting like her, pull the plug!

Sophia:
Hey girls! How do you like this spiffy little number? [walks into the living room to reveal that she is wearing the same dress that Blanche purchased]

Blanche:
Sophia, that's the same dress I got!

Sophia:
Well, now you know how it should look.

Blanche:
Well, I was, but as it turned out nothing fit me.

Dorothy:
What did you expect, Blanche? Last weekend you ate so many Pudding Pops you could have built the Eiffel Tower from the sticks.

Blanche:
That is not what I meant. I meant everything just hangs on me.

Sophia:
Of course it does! That's why you have to cover it with a dress

Sophia:
Who's Laszlo?

Rose:
He's a Hungarian sculptor we've all been posing nude for.

Sophia:
[looking chagrined] In the future, a simple "None of your business, Sophia" will suffice!

Rose:
Sophia, what are you doing with that heavy coat on inside the house?

Sophia:
[opens her coat with her back to camera] You tell me, Rose! [walks off]

Dorothy:
Ma!

Rose:
Dorothy, was Sophia naked just now, or does her dress really need ironing?

Sophia:
[after Dorothy's prank to get Sophia to sit on the whoopee cushion fails] Don't try to outsmart me, Dorothy. I've got the mind of a fox and the butt muscles of Baryshnikov!

Rose:
We really enjoyed your lecture on modern sculpture.

Laszlo:
I didn't think anyone was paying attention.

Rose:
Oh, we sure were, especially Dorothy. She even talked about taking up sculpting.

Laszlo:
Really?

Dorothy:
[laughing] Oh no, I didn't.

Rose:
Yes you did! You said you'd like to help him mold his clay or buff his marble anytime!

Dorothy:
[laughing, taking Rose's hand] Rose is such a kidder! [She squeezes Rose's hand so hard that Rose falls to the ground in pain]

Blanche:
I saw some of the sketches he's been doing of me, Rose. He never lets me see 'em, so today I looked through his things and I found some. They're horrible. The hair's all big and frizzy, the body's all droopy and saggy. The woman in those sketches is a dog!

Rose:
Blanche...

Blanche:
She's a clown!

Rose:
Blanche...

Blanche:
She's just a hideous, wrinkled old bag!

Rose:
Blanche, the woman in those sketches is me.

Blanche:
I know she sounds like you, honey, but she's not.

Rose:
Yes she is. Look. [pulls out key] I wanted to tell you about this all week but I couldn't. I've been posing for Laszlo too.

Blanche:
Oh dear Lord, strike me dead right here and now if that man prefers Rose Nylund over me.

Rose:
Blanche, you can't take it personally. Laszlo just decided he wanted someone with more innocence.

Blanche:
With more cellulite is more like it.

Rose:
Take that back!

Blanche:
I will not!

Rose:
Yes, you will!

Blanche:
I will not!

Rose:
You will too!

Dorothy:
Girls, girls, girls! What's going on here?

Blanche:
Nothing, Rose here just stabbed me in the back.

Rose:
I did not!

Blanche:
She's been posing for Laszlo too.

Rose:
He asked me to!

Blanche:
I sure don't know why, he'd go to Sea World if he wanted to see a naked whale.

Rose:
Or to your bathtub!

Blanche:
Oh ho, that does it, missy. This means war. We'll both keep goin', we'll just see who he picks for his sculpture.

Rose:
Fine, it's going to be me.

Blanche:
No it's not, it's going to be me.

Dorothy:
Girls, girls, I can settle this.

Blanche:
All right Dorothy, tell her who it's going to be.

Dorothy:
It's going to be me. [pulls out key and grins smugly]

Blanche:
You too?

Dorothy:
He asked me last Thursday.

Blanche:
Well, I am stunned.

Rose:
I'm relieved!

Blanche:
Relieved??

Rose Well sure, the woman you saw in those horrible drawings must have been Dorothy!

Sophia:
[upon meeting Blanche's overweight daughter, a former model] What did she model, car covers?

Blanche:
[to Becky] Let me get a look at you.

Sophia:
This could take several hours.

Rose:
So Becky, what brings you to Miami?

Sophia:
My guess is a small barge!

Rebecca:
Mama offered to drive us over to Vero Beach to see the Dodgers play. Jeremy's a big baseball fan.

Jeremy:
Becky's a bigger one. Becky's a bigger everything.

Dorothy:
Not everything, Jeremy.

Rose:
[on Rebecca marrying Jeremy] It's her daughter, it's her choice. It's like something that happened back in St. Olaf...

Dorothy:
[furious] Oh, Rose, STOP! Rose, why is it when any one of us makes an observation, the first thing we hear from you is "Back in St. Olaf"?! Did it ever occur to you that we might be sick and tired of hearing, "Back in St. Olaf, back in St. Olaf, back in St. Olaf"?!!!

Rose:
[surprised] Gee, no, I never realized. I'm sorry.

Dorothy:
Oh, that's okay.

Rose:
Back in that town whose name you're tired of...

Dorothy:
ROSE!!!!

Sophia:
Picture it! Sicily, 1922. An attractive peasant girl who has saved her lire embarks on a glorious vacation to a Crimean resort on the Black Sea. For weeks, she frolics at the seaside resort and enjoys the company of many young men, all of whom adore her.

Edna:
ALL of them?

Sophia:
Shut up, Edna, I work alone. All of them. When it's time to return to Sicily, three different suitors beg her to stay. But she can't decide who to choose, so she chooses none of them. But she agrees to meet with them at the same resort many years later. To her trio of suitors, that eventful gathering was referred to as "Rendezvous with Sophia." But to the rest of the world, it was better known as the Yalta Conference.

Rebecca:
Oh, I hate these moments.

Blanche:
Me too. I never did learn how to say goodbye.

Rose:
Oh, there are so many ways to say farewell. Auf wiedersehen, arrivederci, adiós, hasta luego...

Dorothy:
Get lost.

Rose:
See, there's another one. Good, Dorothy!

Rose:
[on first impressions] I remember when I was a little girl back in St. Olaf. There was this old lady who lived up the street. She never smiled. I mean, she always looked angry. The kids said she'd kill anyone who even stepped on her property. We used to call her Mean Old Lady Hickenlooper.

Blanche:
Yeah, kids can be pretty cruel.

Rose:
No, that was her name, Mean Old Lady Hickenlooper. She had it changed legally, 'cause everybody called her that anyway.

Blanche:
Then how come your name isn't "Big Dummy"?

Rose:
Well, there were already three other people in town with that name.

Blanche:
Rose, what was your first impression of me?

Rose:
I thought you wore too much makeup and were a slut... I was wrong. You don't wear too much makeup.

Dorothy:
Oh Blanche honey, I hope you don't mind, I borrowed your rhinestone necklace.

Blanche:
No, that's alright, but I think I should point out it was designed for a dainty neck.

Dorothy:
Yes Blanche, but I don't know Mike Tyson well enough to borrow his jewelry.

Blanche:
Barbara, I picked up your first novel the other day.

Barbara:
Ah, yes. "So Dark the Waves On Biscayne Bay", I've grown so much as a writer since then.

Blanche:
Well, I should hope so.

Dorothy:
Blanche!

Barbara:
It's alright. Did you have a problem with my book, dear?

Blanche:
Yes, as a matter of fact I did, all those waves! Big waves, little waves, dark waves, rollin' in! Page after page! I had to take a Dramamine to get through chapter three!

Barbara:
Blanche, the waves are a metaphor. You see, a metaphor...

Blanche:
I know what a metaphor is, dear. I'm not a dummy.

Rose:
Blanche, what's a metaphor?

Blanche:
It's when you use a phrase to mean somethin' else. Like when I say "Men are blinded by my beauty." They are not really blinded. They get their sight back in a day or two!

Blanche:
Now Dorothy, if you're saying you can't get stimulating conversation around this house, I beg to differ.

Rose:
[enters, reading a tabloid newspaper] I can't believe it. It says here that since Michael Jackson can't buy the Elephant Man, he's now put in a bid for the remains of the Big Bopper.

Blanche:
Rose, you can't believe everything you read in that rag! It caters to people of the lowest intelligence.

Rose:
Then why do you buy it?

Blanche:
Because it's the only newspaper Elvis will talk to from beyond the grave!

Rose:
Barbara Thorndyke is coming here? Wow, I've never met a real author before.

Blanche:
I have. I once stood in line two hours at a bookstore for Arnold Schwarzenegger's autograph!

Dorothy:
You know, when I think of great literary figures of our time, it's usually Faulker, Fitzgerald, and, uh...

Dorothy, Blanche:
Schwarzenegger.

Rose:
Did he sign your book?

Blanche:
Yes. But only after he refused to sign my thigh.

Dorothy:
He was probably intimidated to see a thigh bigger than his.

Blanche:
Rose, honey, would you pass me the tuffie.

Rose:
With pleasure, Blanche.

Blanche:
Thank you, Rose.

Rose:
You're more than welcome, Blanche. You can always count on me to hand you the tuffie.

Blanche:
I know, that's why I always ask you.

Dorothy:
You know, I think I saw Jack and Janet give Chrissy this treatment on an episode of Three's Company.

Blanche:
Oh, at last a reference from Dorothy that even we illiterates can understand.

Rose:
I guess her well of knowledge has run dry. That's a metaphor Dorothy.

Dorothy:
Look, why don't you just admit that this is all because you don't like Barbara Thorndyke.

Blanche:
Alright, I don't like Barbara Thorndyke. I think she's a phony.

Dorothy:
Oh, this from a woman who tells her dates that she was Angie Dickinson's body double in Dressed To Kill.

Blanche:
That's just a little white lie.

Dorothy:
Oh yeah? Then why is it on your job resume?!

Blanche:
What do you think?

Rose:
There's something about her I don't like.

Blanche:
Me too.

Rose:
I find her hard to talk to.

Blanche:
Me too.

Rose:
She thinks I'm dumb.

Blanche:
Me too.

Blanche:
Sophia, honey, the key is to make a man think you're not interested in him! Offering to make him dinner just made you look too easy.

Sophia:
Please, black underwear and pasties couldn't make me look easy.

Blanche:
Well, Barbara, Dorothy tells us you're an author.

Barbara:
No, I'm just a writer. Malamud's an author.

Rose:
I thought Malamuds were chocolate cookies with marshmallows in them.

Dorothy:
Those are Malomars, Rose.

Dorothy:
[on why the girls made up on their return flight] There was nothing else we could do. It was either that or watch Three Amigos! with a headset.

Blanche:
[suggests a way to get to the TV studio in time] I have a better idea - we can hitchhike. See, I can lift up my skirt, you know, like in that Clark Gable movie, It Happened One Night. Boy, we'll have a ride in no time.

Sophia:
Please! You lift up your skirt, and someone might mistake your thigh for the on ramp to the freeway.

Sophia:
Dorothy, I'm in the ladies room, I look in my brassiere. What do you think I find?

Dorothy:
Hopefully, what we all find when we look in our brassiere.

Sophia:
Please, I haven't been able to find those since I nursed your brother Phil.

Sophia:
Rose is my daughter now. And you, Dorothy, are the biggest disappointment to hit the streets since the AMC Pacer!

Guy:
For another 100 points, Complete this famous saying: "Better Late Than..."

[Blanche rings in]

Guy:
Blanche.

Blanche:
Pregnant!

Guy:
That's incorrect, but certainly not untrue.

Blanche:
Nancy, honey. Now I don't generally like to throw my name around but you really leave me no choice. It so happens that I am Miss Angie Dickinson! And now, if you don't mind, I would like two rooms.

Nancy:
You don't look like Angie Dickinson to me.

Blanche:
I know, I have altered my appearance for a very important movie role.

Dorothy:
Yeah, it's about a woman who eats her way from behind the Iron Curtain.

Guy:
For another 100 points, Who is the current Secretary of State?

[Willard rings in]

Guy:
Willard?

Willard:
Charles Schulz.

Dorothy:
He created Peanuts!

Willard:
I thought that was George Washington Carver.

Dorothy:
[scoldingly] Willard, don't ever touch your buzzer again.

Blanche:
Dorothy and I are gonna team up with the Kaplan brothers.

Rose:
The Kaplan brothers?! You mean you and Dorothy are joining a country western band?!

Dorothy:
That's the Gatlin brothers, Rose. The Kaplan brothers are those gentlemen standing right there.

Sophia:
You're dumping me and Rose for those 2 yutzes?!

Sophia:
Back in Sicily, I was on a game show. It was torture!

Rose:
What was it called, Sophia?

Sophia:
I just told you: Torture! Mussolini asked the questions, and you better have the right answers. Things like, "Who do you like better, me or Hitler?" "Who's got the snappiest boots, me or Hitler?" "Who's got the cuter girlfriend, me or Hitler?" And you always had to answer, "Mussolini!" Otherwise, they forced you to play the lightning round. And they used real lightning!

Dorothy:
Come on, Ma, you're making this up.

Sophia:
Like hell I did. Goodson-Todman brought it to the United States, changed a few rules and called it Tattletales!

Dorothy:
Hi girls, tell me, how did the audition for the play go?

Blanche:
Awful! We just got two tiny parts.

Rose:
We're doing The Sound of Music and Blanche is mad 'cause she didn't get the lead.

Dorothy:
Oh, I can't believe that you weren't cast in the lead role! You've gotten it the past five years in a row!

Blanche:
Well, they hired a new director this year, and he has no taste.

Rose:
Blanche used to sleep with the old one. The new director's gay!

Blanche:
A gay theater director, did you ever hear of such a thing?

Dorothy:
That's absolutely shocking. The next thing you know, they'll have black basketball players in the NBA.

[rehearsing The Sound of Music]

Rose:
The Nazis are coming, the Nazis are coming!

[Sophia runs into the room]

Sophia:
Everybody grab a gun and run to the basement! Come on! Move, move!

[Rose and Blanche help Sophia onto the couch and try to calm her down]

Blanche:
Sophia, now just relax, we're just going over our lines for The Sound of Music.

Sophia:
Oh, thank God!

Dorothy:
[coming in from the pouring rain] Whew, it is really coming down!

Rose:
What's coming down?

Dorothy:
[pauses, then responds crossly] The Liberace marquee at Caesar's Palace.

Blanche:
[meeting Angelo; in nun's costume, panties in hand] We're here collecting, uh, lingerie... for needy sexy people.

Dorothy:
[upon learning that the airport is closed because of the hurricane] That means we could be trapped together for days!

Blanche:
[still in nun's costume] Oh, JESUS!

[Angelo, who is unaware that Blanche isn't really a nun, looks at her with a shocked expression.]

Blanche:
...Please protect us and watch over us in this our hour of need!

Dorothy:
Amen!

Blanche:
Hurricanes can be kind of fun. I remember one when I was married!

Angelo:
Married?

Blanche:
Uh... Mary. When I was Mary in the Christmas pageant at the convent, remember that, Sister Rose?

Rose:
Oh, yes, Sister Blanche is quite an actress.

Stan:
She'd have to be, to make anyone believe she was a virgin!

Dorothy:
Stanley, you're a pig in a cheap suit!

Stan:
Ya know, for two cents...

Dorothy:
...you could get a better toupee?

Stan:
Okay, that's it, I've had enough, I'm not going on with this anymore!

Sophia:
[pointing] Angelo, look! Saint Francis of Assisi!

[While Angelo is looking away, Sophia slaps Stan across the face.]

Sophia:
Shut up and play ball, you yutz! [To Angelo] False alarm, never mind.

Angelo:
Sophia, you're lookin' terrific! You haven't changed a bit in 40 years!

Sophia:
Angelo, you're a priest, you shouldn't lie!

Angelo:
Ah, don't worry about it, don't worry about it. Before the trip I said an extra fifty Hail Mary's in case I felt like cutting loose. ... Dorothy!

Dorothy:
Uncle Angelo, it is so good to see you!

Angelo:
Dorothy, you know something, you look more beautiful now than you did on your wedding day.

Stan:
He just used up all fifty Hail Mary's on that one.

Angelo:
Stan, you still a funny guy, got a sense of humor still, eh? [To Dorothy] He still make you laugh like he used to?

Dorothy:
Well, not really, but then again I haven't seen him naked lately.

Sophia:
[crawling between Dorothy and Stan in bed] Stanley, think of me as the Berlin Wall! Try to climb over me, and you'll know what barbed wire between your legs feels like!

Blanche:
[on the phone, unaware that Angelo is in the kitchen] Hi Walter, how are you? ... Yeah, I feel like a caged animal in heat too. ... Walter, you naughty boy! Keep on talkin'! ... What am I wearing? Well, to be perfectly honest, A NUN'S OUTFIT! ... Oh, sounds good to me, uh huh. I'll be over just as soon as this storm lets up! [hangs up, then sees Angelo staring at her quizzically; to Angelo] He's a leper. And I'm the only one who'll touch him.

[Angelo, not knowing Stan and Dorothy are divorced, brings Stan into Dorothy's room at night. When Angelo leaves, Stan sits on the end of the bed]

Stan:
Dorothy, I know it's been a while, but try and control yourself, I need to get some rest. [Dorothy kicks him off of the bed] What the hell was that for?!

Dorothy:
You're not getting into this bed, Stanley.

Stan:
Then where am I supposed to sleep?

Dorothy:
On the floor, like any dog.

Stan:
Oh, fine! [grabs pillow and sheets] Just fine! Stan Zbornak doesn't have to beg a woman to get into bed! Women come to me!

Dorothy:
Yeah, right after they get the approval number on your MasterCard!

Stan:
Good night!

Dorothy:
Oh, shut up!

[Stan gets on the floor and lays down as Dorothy turns off the light. He starts laughing]

Dorothy:
Stanley, if you're doing what I think you're doing, you're in big trouble.

Rose:
You're dumping your own mother?

Dorothy:
Faster than CBS dumped Jimmy the Greek.

Dorothy:
Okay girls, which goes better, the silver chain or the pearls?

Rose:
The chain.

Blanche:
An amateur's mistake. Can't you see that the chain accentuates the many folds of that turkey-like neck?

Rose:
Well that may be, but the pearls draw attention to the non-existent bosom.

Blanche:
Yes, but, the chain leads the eye even lower, to that huge "spare tire," jutting out over those square manly hips.

Dorothy Why don't I just wear a sign that says "Too Ugly To Live"?

Blanche:
Fine, but what are you going to hang it from, the chain or the pearls?

Dorothy:
[angrily] Neither, I'm going to spray paint it on my hump!!

Rose:
See, Blanche, you don't know any more than I do. I'm going to run for Fashion Show Chairman.

Blanche:
Well, you're just wasting your time. Who on that fashion committee is going to vote for you? I'm gonna win.

Rose:
Well, I don't see how that's possible. Everybody on the committee is female. Who are you going to sleep with?

Blanche:
Are you insinuating that I cannot win it on merit alone? ... All women?

Blanche:
[reading from Rose's diary] Dear Diary, I don't know how much longer I can stand living with these two pigs. At first, moving in with them seemed like a good way to save money, but it's just getting out of hand. If one isn't keepin' me awake all night with her squealin', the other one is belchin' in my face! [stops reading] You do that sometimes, Dorothy. After you've had a Denver omelet.

Dorothy:
Look, this is a real invasion of Rose's privacy. And it's a Spanish omelet.

Rose:
[knocking on Sophia's door] Sophia?

Sophia:
I'm not in. Wait for the beep and leave a message. Beep!

Rose:
Hi, this is Rose...

Sophia:
Rose, shut up and get in here!

Dorothy:
I cannot believe my mother is hanging out with that cheap hood!

Rose:
You mean Rocco?

Dorothy:
No, Rose, I mean Spiro Agnew. He gave her a highway contract instead of an ID bracelet.

Rose:
Gee, what's my diary doing here? [picks it up from the table] Next to a pair of pliers?

Blanche:
Rose, whatever it is you're thinking, it isn't true.

Rose:
Good, then George Bush isn't married to his mother.

Dorothy:
The most romantic thing was when Stan proposed. I went to the powder room and when I got back there was two long stem glasses filled with Dom Perignon. We clinked the glasses and Stan gave me a coy smile and I winked at him and I just down the champagne in one gulp....and it didn't go down smoothly. Later he told me that he put my engagement ring at the bottom of the glass. It turned up three days later.

Rose:
Where'd it turn up, Dorothy?

Dorothy:
On the Home Shopping Network, Rose.

Sophia:
[on Rocco] This is the last time I let a man toy with my emotions. From now on, it's strictly physical!

Blanche:
[after the girls have finished telling stories about the most romantic thing a man ever did for them] Well, it just goes to show: your hair may turn gray, your skin may wrinkle, but you're never too old for romance. [pauses] So don't give up, girls! [leaves kitchen as Dorothy and Rose glare]

Ernie:
[about the guestroom] Mrs. Devereaux, please. Do you want it fast or do you want it good?

Sophia:
Before you answer that Blanche, the man's talking about a guestroom.

Dorothy:
Ernie, listen to me and listen good. If you walk out that door right now, you can forget about ever coming back. I sound like I'm on Ryan's Hope.

Sophia:
[translating for Vincenzo] Before we begin, [Vincenzo speaks between each line] let's make one thing clear. I am in charge. I am the boss. I am the master. I Am the Walrus.

Dorothy:
Ma, either your Italian is rusty or he's the world's oldest hippie.

Dorothy:
[sees Vincenzo's elderly crew working on the guestroom] Looks like the road company of Cocoon.

Rose:
[seeing Vincenzo's elderly working crew] Who are all these old men?

Dorothy:
The Osmond Brothers, Rose. The years without Donny have not been kind to them.

Rose:
[onboard cruiseship] Ahoy girls. Quick, grab some champagne.

Blanche:
Ooh, I just love champagne!

Dorothy:
Oh so do I. The only problem is after a few glasses I'll kiss any man in sight.

[commotion in background] MAN OVERBOARD!

Blanche:
Rose! It is 2 AM! What are you still doing up?

Rose:
Well I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd get up and make a batch of Sparhuven Krispies. It's an ancient Scandinavian midnight snack.

Dorothy:
I guess after a night of pillaging and raping, a Viking wants a little something to go with his cocoa.

Blanche:
Well they smell God awful!

Rose:
Yeah just when you're about ready to throw up from the stench, that's when they're done. Who wants some?

Dorothy:
[commenting on the smell of Rose's snacks] Rose, if these had been offered to the Donner Party, they still would've eaten each other!

Rose:
Don't be silly Dorothy. They're delicious. You just have to know how to eat them. You hold your nose with one hand [holding nose] and you pop a krispie in your mouth with the other. Mmm! That tastes like cheesecake, fresh strawberries, and chocolate ice cream.

Blanche:
[tries one] My gosh, you're right. That is the best thing I have ever tasted!

Dorothy:
[eating a krispie] This is delicious!

Sophia enters kitchen Hey, give me a break. You can't smell that from the hall!

Sophia [Vincenzo gives Sophia instructions on who does what]

Dorothy, you'll hold the window in place.

Rose will do the hammering.

Blanche you'll do the screwing...and he came up with that one on his own, I swear.

Rose:
You know Dorothy, I just thought of something. Lorraine's family's gonna be black too, aren't they?

Dorothy:
Yes Rose. You know, you could probably make them feel welcome if you do your version of that dance that the Huxtable's do at the beginning of The Cosby Show.

Rose:
Can I ask a dumb question?

Dorothy:
Better than anyone I know…

Rose:
What color is black people's dandruff?

Dorothy:
Rose, black people don't have dandruff. God figures they've been through enough already.

Dorothy:
[to Greta] Look, race is not even an issue. I mean, your daughter is twice my son's age! What can a woman in her 40's possibly have in common with a boy in his 20's?

Blanche:
Sex! At 20, a man is at his peak. And a woman in her 40's is also at her peak, so when the two come together, hot damn !

Dorothy:
Look, Mrs. Wagner, I'm not thrilled about my son marrying your daughter either.

Greta:
Oh yeah? Why, you got something against black people?

Blanche:
Of course not! And I resent the insinuation! Why, we firmly believe that all men are created equal!!

Rose:
That's a bunch of bologna!

Dorothy:
Rose!!!

Rose:
Well it is! If you don't believe me, just turn on your television set and watch a white person dance down the line on Soul Train.

Dorothy:
Rose, will you excuse us?

Rose:
Sure, where're you going?

Dorothy:
Nowhere. Get out!

Greta:
Honey, it's just a phase! Ever since Diana Ross started marrying white men, everyone's gotta have one!

Sophia:
[Sophia walks in and sees Lorraine and her family, of African American decent] What is this, a revival of A Raisin in the Sun ?

Michael Zbornak:
Grandma, this is my fianceé, Lorraine, and this is her mother and her two aunts.

Sophia:
Oh, wait-wait-wait-wait-wait... This is your fianceé?

Michael Zbornak:
Yep, that's right.

Sophia:
You couldn't find someone your own age?

Greta:
What is that supposed to mean?

Sophia:
No offense, but it means your daughter's been around the block more times then a Good Humor man!

Greta:
[turns to her sister] Hold my purse - those are fightin' words!

Rose:
Stop it all of you! What difference does it make that Lorraine's a little long in the tooth and Michael's a skinny white boy? Can't you see they love each other? We should be celebrating not arguing whether or not it's right. Now what do you say we all join hands and sing a chorus of 'Abraham, Martin and John'?

Greta:
[turns to Dorothy] Is she for real?

Dorothy:
Yep - frightening isn't it?

Sophia:
Is it true what they say about black men in bed?

Blanche:
Oh yes definitely...[everybody stares at her] Oh yes. Definitely, that is something I would like to know about too.

Dorothy:
Come on Blanche, that's a stereotype.

Trudy:
Call it whatever you want, I'm just grateful it's true.

Dorothy:
Oh, Blanche, how would you feel if your son were marrying an older woman?

Blanche:
Dorothy, when my son was five years old, he nearly burned down our whole town. Since then, nothing he does upsets me. Hell, he could marry Lillian Gish and I wouldn't care.

Rose:
Blanche, how much longer do I have to have this hot towel on my face?

Blanche:
Now just be patient, Rose. When I tell you to remove this towel, you are going to see what a dramatic difference Blanche's Miracle Beauty Treatment has made already! Honey, you will be transformed into a totally new woman! Okay, ready? Now, one, two... THREE!

[Rose removes the towel from her face as Blanche holds up a mirror. Rose, unaware that Dorothy has come up behind her, sees Dorothy's face in the mirror.]

Rose:
Oh my GOD, I look horrible! ... Oh- Dorothy, it's you! I...

Dorothy:
I'm sorry Rose, I'm sorry. I forgot it was a full moon.

Rose:
Are you nervous because you haven't met Michael's fiancee?

Dorothy:
No Rose, I'm nervous because if Sonny Bono gets elected mayor of Palm Springs, he's going to make all the postmen wear leather bell-bottoms and a fur vest.

[Blanche has been feeling guilty about keeping a bed she ordered that the company didn't charge her enough for. The doorbell rings and Fred walks in wearing his Mr. Policeman outfit.]

Blanche:
Oh, thank God! I can't live with myself anymore. Take me!

Dorothy:
Blanche!

Blanche:
Dorothy, please, stay out of this. I know what's best. Just slap the handcuffs on me, the bed's this way.

[Fred shrugs and follows her down the hallway but first stops and turns to everyone sitting in the living room.]

Fred:
Y'know what's funny? I was supposed to be Mr. Mailman today.

Rose:
Oh Dorothy, I'm glad you're here. Meet Mr. Terrific.

Dorothy:
Oh, Mr. Terrific. Meet Mrs. Severely Depressed.

Rose:
Girls, you won't believe what happened to me this afternoon. I met Mr. Terrific!

Blanche:
Rose, don't be so quick to judge. I thought I had met Mr. Terrific. Turned out there was also a Mrs. Terrific. I found myself ducking a Mr. Vase.

Rose:
[seeing Mr. Terrific on the ledge] How's he doing?

Dorothy:
I'll be honest. Right now, Squeaky Fromme has a better grasp on reality.

Stan:
It's from Dorothy too.

Stan's Mother:
If I had to thank her I'd choke on the words.

Dorothy:
Please risk it.

Blanche:
Mama, do you remember that Mother's Day that I almost ruined when I ran off to get married?

Blanche's mother:
No...

Blanche:
Sure you do, honey, don't you know, I was a senior in high school, and I was madly in love with Deck Bovinglow. We'd been dating for nearly a month, so it seemed perfectly logical when he dropped by cheerleading practice and asked me to marry him. Oh, I thought he was a wonderful catch at the time. He was 40, out of work, twice-divorced, had three kids...but the real reason I wanted to marry him was because his oldest daughter was a rival of mine at cheerleading, and I figured if I married Deck, I'd be her mama. And I could kick her off the squad.

Blanche:
Who knows my body better than I do?

Sophia:
Any man in Miami not attached to a women or a respirator.

Blanche:
[tries one] My gosh, you're right. That is the best thing I have ever tasted!

Dorothy:
[eating a krispie] This is delicious!

Sophia enters kitchen Hey, give me a break. You can't smell that from the hall!