Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #21

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 5,718 quotes total — keep up the great work!

[Stroker and Crazy Guy figures out a way to get pass the mental hospital guard]

Stroker:
Just one guard. You go out there and distract him. I'll take care of the rest.

Crazy Guy:
You saved my life. If I had to spend another night in here, I think-- I think I really would hurt myself. You're my hero.

Stroker:
Let's do this thing.

[Stroker and Crazy Guy's plan begins]

Crazy Guy:
Yoo-hoo! Mr. Guard!

Stroker:
He's trying to escape! Grab him!

Crazy Guy:
What?

[Mental Hospital Guard tackles Crazy Guy]

Crazy Guy:
[while getting beaten] WHY? WHY? [bawling]

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Meryl:
Pretty full house tonight.

Hoop:
Don't think I don't know what you're up to, Meryl. Or should I say Jar Jar?

Meryl:
I don't know what you're talking about.

Hoop:
Maybe you'd understand me better if I spoke Sapphirean. [shows her Khan'Ja's bra] I should expose you right now, but I couldn't bear to disappoint that audience out there.

Meryl (as Khan'Ja):
[points the gun at Hoop] You better not disappoint them.

Hoop:
Well, now that we've got that settled, at the end of the second act, could you give me an extra beat when I come out? I do this thing with my eyebrows that Paul and I worked out. It totally kills.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Crazy Guy:
Khan'Ja. That's part of the joke. Get it? Conned ya.

Stroker:
Khan'Ja *Conned ya*. I see. It all makes sense. I thought it was Ganja.

Crazy Guy:
I've been mapping every so-called UFO crash for the past 18 months. I've had to use X's since they took my pushpin privileges away. How am I supposed to hurt myself with a pushpin?

Crazy Guy:
There's the site of the next landing. As you can see, it forms the pattern of a smiley face.

Stroker:
Looks like a lopsided starfish to me.

Crazy Guy:
No, it's a smiley face. It's a smiley face! Why would you mess with me, man?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

[after Stroker gets taken to a mental hospital, he had a talk with Hoop, about how Khan'Ja tricked Stroker for world domination]

Stroker:
It was a con from the start. She played me like a sucker.

Hoop:
Aw, man, that's quite a story. Pretty unbelievable stuff. So how you holding up, buddy?

Stroker:
Well...you know. That was a shrug, but you can't see with this [bleep] straitjacket. So anyway, Khan'Ja...

Hoop:
Yeah? Yeah?

Stroker:
I need you to help me find her. She had hip boots and this skintight alien bikini with a sapphire in the center and a gold communicator with antenna and crap.

Hoop:
I'll certainly keep an eye out.

Stroker:
Have you listened to a word I've said?

Hoop:
Oh, yeah, yeah. You were talking about, uh, your alien friend, Jar Jar Jar, or something.

Stroker:
Khan'Ja! You've got to find Khan'Ja and prove my innocence!

Hoop:
I would, but I'm busy with my play.

Stroker:
HOOP, SCREW YOUR PLAY!

Hoop:
Guards!

Stroker:
I'M IN A [bleep] STRAITJACKET! IT'S "ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST" IN THERE! MY ROOMMATE MASTURBATES EVERY NIGHT TO "RANGER RICK" MAGAZINE! I GOT [bleep] IN FRIGGING BEDPAN, HOOP!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

[Stroker gets into interrogation of why he sneaks into Area 52]

Stroker:
I can explain everything.

Detective:
We went to your house. It was empty except for a few dozen bottles of pain pills and some "Alf" DVDs, you sick freak!

Stroker:
My house was empty because the FPI came and carted everything away. The pain pills and "Alf" DVDs aren't mine. They were for an alien named Khan'Ja.

Detective:
When you ran out of things to sell to pay for your pill addiction, you robbed your brother at gunpoint.

Stroker:
That was a business opportunity. He'll thank me someday.

Detective:
What did you mean when you told the guards you were the King of the Earthlings?

Stroker:
Let me start from the beginning. The other morning, I was out jogging--

Detective:
[slams desk] Now you expect me to believe you were jogging? I've heard enough.

Stroker:
Call the FPI. They know about the alien communicator.

Detective:
I don't need to call the FPI. They call me. And if you think Franklin Pharmaceuticals has--

Stroker:
Wait. What's Franklin Pharmaceuticals?

Detective:
FPI, Franklin Pharmaceuticals Incorporated. You were arrested trying to break in there to steal drugs. Now don't tell me you were too high to remember!

Stroker:
Don't be so naive. That's just a front for Area 52.

Detective:
Your brother is pressing charges.

Stroker:
Look, I have the account numbers and passwords right here. Here, give these to him.

Detective:
[reads the paper] Stroker's to-dos. "Rob brother to get money for pills. Return ALF DVDs".

Stroker:
No, there's some mistake.

Detective:
Stroker, stop, please. We found your suicide note.

Stroker:
What?

[Detective plays Stroker's message]

Stroker's Voice Message:
"Goodbye. I'll miss you. Where does this road lead to? I'm lost. The pain is unbearable. Where is the nearest pharmacy? My name is Stroker. This is not my home planet. I have to go now".

Stroker:
Oh, crap. KHAAAAN! Ja!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

[Stroker tries to walk pass the security footage guy]

Security Footage Guy:
Wait. Who are you, again?

Stroker:
[mimicking] Come on, what are you talking about? It's me, Zwigoff.

Security Footage Guy:
Hey, I know Jimmy Zwigoff. I work with him every day, and you're not Jimmy.

Stroker:
Sure I am! Got the jumpsuit and everything. I just have a sore throat.

Security Footage Guy:
Why are you holding a clipboard up like that?

Stroker:
Oh, you know, I like to read when I walk. You get more done that way.

Security Footage Guy:
[laughs] Ah, Jimmy, you crack me up, buddy. Get out of here. [laughs] Oh, wait. Ah, one other thing.

Stroker:
[laughs] What?

Security Footage Guy:
[pulls up his gun] Yeah, I watched the whole thing on security cam. What do you think I am, a moron?

Stroker:
[drops the act] You're supposed to be watching a ball game or reading a magazine, not actually watching the camera.

Security Footage Guy:
I like my job. Besides the piss chamber's always good for a laugh.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

[Stroker knocks out the guard to steal his clothes to get inside Area 52]

Robot Voice:
Welcome, Agent Zwigoff.

Stroker:
[tries to mimick Zwigoff] Uh, hello there!

Robot Voice:
Present fingerprint I.D.

Stroker:
Just remembered, I forgot my keys. [fake laugh] Be right back.

[Stroker drags Agent Zwigoff's body for the fingerprint I.D.]

Robot Voice:
Thank you, Agent Zwigoff.

Stroker:
Sure thing, partner.

[as Stroker goes to the entrance, another identity recognition appears]

Stroker:
Damn it! Another one?

Robot Voice:
Present urine sample for identification, please.

Stroker:
Oh, come on.

[Stroker tries to put Agent Zwigoff's hand into a bowl of water to make him pee on himself]

Stroker:
[whispered] Zwigoff. Zwigoff. Zwigoff!

Zwigoff:
[wakes up] Huh? What?

Stroker:
Hey, buddy, somebody knocked you out. Pee in this cup, and I'll go throw urine in their face.

Zwigoff:
Who the hell are you?

[Stroker then pulls up his gun on Zwigoff making the agent literally peeing himself]

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Freddy:
Philistines! This town wouldn't know cutting-edge theater if it crawled out of their asses!

Hoop:
I don't know. That one couple really seemed to enjoy it.

Freddy:
Oh, you mean my parents? They were making out the whole time.

Hoop:
How long do you think they'll be able to keep the show open?

Freddy:
It's normal for a little theater to struggle a bit.

Hoop:
We've had 6 people in 3 days.

Freddy:
We make most of our money on t-shirts and CDs.

Hoop:
Huh! I did not know that.

[cuts to the next scene where all the merch of the David Mamet play hasn't been sold yet]

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

[Stroker starts to have sex with Khan'Ja before he goes into battle]

Khan'Ja:
Take it off, earthman.

[as Stroker takes off his pants revealing his private area, Khan'Ja unbuttons her bra revealing breast tentacles]

Stroker & Khan'Ja:
PUT IT BACK ON!

Stroker:
Wait. We're two adults. We can make this work.

Khan'Ja:
You're right.

[Stroker and Khan'Ja both revealed their private parts again, and yet still paralyzed]

Stroker:
Oh, god.

Khan'Ja:
Put it back on.

Stroker:
What the hell is that, octopus?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Khan'Ja:
On my planet, it is customary to make love with a hero before he goes into battle.

Stroker:
...Are you serious? It's the same thing here. Wow, that is so weird. It's a good custom, isn't it?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Stroker:
Pfft. FPI. Please. Who do they think they're fooling? This is obviously an alien prison.

Khan'Ja:
They have captured and tortured many of my people.

Stroker:
Well, you guys kind of started it with the anal probing.

Khan'Ja:
That was Ferngor.

Stroker:
How about crop circles?

Khan'Ja:
No.

Stroker:
Cattle mutilations?

Khan'Ja:
That's just rednecks.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

[meanwhile Hoop still acting another scene while being an old angry business man]

Freddy:
Calm down. Go get something to eat.

Hoop:
It's too early! It's 11:00!

Freddy:
Then go to brunch.

Hoop:
Give me those contracts!

Freddy:
Go to brunch. Merv, go to brunch!

Hoop:
I don't like brunch!

Freddy:
WILL YOU GO TO BRUNCH? GO TO BRUNCH GO...TO...BRUNCH!

Hoop:
Stop repeating that!

Freddy:
Will you go to brunch? Go to...oh. Line.

Teacher Director:
[whispered] Go to brunch. Go to [bleep] brunch, you [bleep].

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Khan'Ja:
There's something I need to tell you. I haven't been totally honest. We are planning to takeover Earth, Stroker!

C.A.R.R.:
Oh, my god.

Stroker:
What?

Khan'Ja:
The invasion starts in a few days. I wanted my communicator to signal them they should make you King of the Earthlings, but without it...

Stroker:
They're going to treat me like a common earth creature!

Khan'Ja:
I'm afraid so.

Stroker:
We've got to get your communicator back. I bet the FBI will take it to Area 51.

Khan'Ja:
No. Area 51 is just a decoy. The real place they keep UFOs is Area 52, and real agency isn't the FBI; it's the FPI.

Stroker:
Now I know why those bozos didn't let me into their fake academy!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

[the hazmat crew steals Stroker's stuff about the aliens]

Khan'Ja:
They've got the communicator.

C.A.R.R.:
And Stroker's porn.

Stroker:
What? They're taking all my shoes?

Khan'Ja:
Your government must have tracked us down satellite photos.

Stroker:
Keep driving, C.A.R.R. It's not safe here.

C.A.R.R.:
Look! They cleaned out the garage. It looks huge.

Khan'Ja:
What will we do now?

Stroker:
There's nothing I can do. I'll have to give Steve his money back and pretend it was some kind of practical joke, like the time I got his girlfriend pregnant.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Khan'Ja:
Here is an English to Sapphirean phrasebook. I want to practice so when I return to Earth I can express my feelings better.

Stroker:
My pleasure.

Khan'Ja:
How do you pronounce this one?

Stroker:
What are your specials? Do you recommend the chicken?

Khan'Ja:
Oh, hold on. I want to record your voice so I can practice the pronunciations. Can you say this one?

Stroker:
"Goodbye. I'll miss you".

Khan'Ja:
Mmm.

Stroker:
"Where does this road lead to? I'm lost".

Khan'Ja:
[moans]

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Khan'Ja:
How'd it go?

Stroker:
Great. We cashed out Steve's 401K and moved it to a Cayman Islands Bank right over the computer. Got the account numbers and the passwords right here. So, what do you say we go and get your communicator and let's go Sapphire shopping?

Khan'Ja:
Stroker, you -- You are being so kind, rescuing me from the crash, renting me "Alf" DVDs, robbing your brother.

Stroker:
No, I -- I didn't rob him. It's a loan.

Khan'Ja:
It's ok. I know you had to steal the money for me because you have two little penis.

Stroker:
What?

Khan'Ja:
You have two little penis. Just in the ashtray there.

Stroker:
[sees his ashtray of pennies] Oh, [laughs] No, pennies.

Khan'Ja:
Penis.

Stroker:
"Pennies".

Khan'Ja:
Penis.

Stroker:
You know what, just say "Money".

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

C.A.R.R.:
Hey, Khan'Ja, how come female aliens are always so hot?

Khan'Ja:
Pardon me?

C.A.R.R.:
Oh, don't tell me you're not working it with the tight clothes and the thigh boots.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Leia:
Dad, there's a homeless man in our yard.

Stroker:
Hey! It's Uncle Stroker! [laughs] Hey, lookee here. I gotta a little, uh, little dollie, for, uh, for your kid here.

Steve:
Oh, what are you doing here?

Stroker:
Heh! What? You said I should stop by some Saturday afternoon so we could catch up and grill some steaks.

Steve:
That was 3 years ago.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

[Hoop disguised as a old business man]

Hoop:
Freddy, you got my Linoleum contracts?

Freddy:
Your Linoleum contracts?

Hoop:
The contracts.

Freddy:
Your contracts?

Hoop:
That's what I [bleep] said, the Kuperman Contracts! Are you deaf?

Freddy:
Yes, in one ear.

Hoop:
Oh. [stands close in Freddy's non-deaf ear] Give me the [bleep] Kuperman Contracts.

Freddy:
All you did was show them the pattern books.

Hoop:
That's all I did, huh? All I did was show them the books?

Freddy:
They were walking out the door when I saw them. I made that sale.

Hoop:
You ungrateful [bleep]. You child! I was signing contracts for Linoleum when you were learning to crawl on it. [pulls up a gun]

Freddy:
You think you can threaten me?

Hoop:
You think you can cast me aside? Walk all over me like an old shag runner?

[Freddy shoots Hoop]

Hoop:
So this is how it ends, huh? Dead on a carpet. Sunset Beige. Our plush-cut line. I know the patterns, Freddy, but I never found the pattern of my life. I never found it. [dies]

[the act ends]

Teacher Director:
Wonderful. Wonderful. It says here you played Hedda the Lead Cheerleader in "Crisis at the Car Wash" and Julio the Crippled Pimp in "The Death of a Cell Phone".

Hoop:
They're not plays. Those are cases where I acted undercover. I'm a detective.

Teacher Director:
Hoop, you bring a street-smart quality we could really use. You're hired!

Hoop:
Oh, my god! A part in a David Mamet play? It'll be so nice to hone my craft without getting shot at.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Hoop:
Ready for the Sanchez string?

Stroker:
Uh... [clears throat] I'm not feeling well. Um, do without me.

Hoop:
What? You never let me do anything on my own before. Are you watching "Alf"? When did you start liking "Alf"?

Stroker:
I don't like "Alf". I hate "Alf". I was watching something else, and it came on.

Hoop:
That's strange.

Stroker:
What.

Hoop:
There's an "Alf" DVD cover in your hand.

Stroker:
So I'm a closet "Alf" fan. What's the big deal?

Hoop:
Are those painkillers?

Stroker:
Uh, yeah. I pulled my calf muscle jogging.

Hoop:
JOGGING! ALF?! I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU ANYMORE!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Khan'Ja:
Pain from the crash. I need medicine. Do you have any?

Stroker:
Hold on. [brings back pills] These are left over from my back surgery. They're expired but not too expired.

Khan'Ja:
Your earth medicines are not strong enough. I need more.

Stroker:
Khan'Ja, too many of those things will make you high as a kite.

[Stroker's flashback intensifies where Stroker tried these pills before]

Stroker:
So I go out to drain the snake, and all of a sudden, it feels like I'm pissing thumbtacks. Kidney stones, my ass. More like kidney shards of glass.

Stroker:
Two chicks, uh-huh. I may not look injured, but all the sandwiching bruised up my insides pretty good.

Stroker:
No. You know what's really suspicious? Doctors who violate their hippocratic oath. Not me, and certainly not my bullfighting injury, asshole!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Khan'Ja:
My name is Khan'Ja. I come from the Planet Sapphirea. I only want to return home.

Stroker:
Are you sure? Uh, plenty of clean air and water.

Khan'Ja:
I will call for help with my communicator. [speaks alien language] The Felingukushar Crystal is broken.

Stroker:
Felingukushar Crystal?

Khan'Ja:
[searches her language book] You call it a Sapphire. About so big. Me, I pick one up from your yard.

Stroker:
I don't have a giant Sapphire. They're very rare and expensive on Earth.

Khan'Ja:
Where are all the Sapphires? Oh! Perhaps we can sell some of your dirt and buy one!

Stroker:
[laughs] You aliens are so advanced yet so stupid sometimes.

Khan'Ja:
If you help me, I will return with a shipful of Sapphires as your reward.

Stroker:
Deal. And I'll even throw in some free dirt.

[as Stroker was about shake her hand, Khan'Ja didn't know what gesture what Stroke was doing]

Stroker:
Oh, uh, on Earth to seal a deal, we do what is call a handshake.

Khan'Ja:
What is a handshake?

Stroker:
Oh, duh, did I say handshake? I meant handjob.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Stroker:
[points the gun at Khan'Ja] Are you an advanced race of aliens looking for a new home planet?

Khan'Ja:
No.

Stroker:
Because if you're planning to enslave the human race, I can help, but only if you make me King of the Earthlings.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

[Stroker tries to fix or do something with Khan'Ja's bra]

Stroker:
[grunts] Damned alien bra.

Khan'Ja:
[wakes up]

Stroker:
Oh, um, sorry. I was just trying to make you more comfortable. Oh, hell, you don't know English? Uh, I wanted to see what green boobs looked like. [laughs]

Khan'Ja:
I know English.

Stroker:
Oh.

Khan'Ja:
What is boobs?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

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