Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #15

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 6,785 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Brett Mobley:
So, then I started hiding out in the garbage can behind Gordy's every night with the hopes that he would toss out some old pizza right into my pizza hole. Turns out Gordy was using said garbage can to do you-know-what with a half-eaten calzone. I mean, I guess he was working out his pizza demons, if you know what I mean.

– Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 24 days ago

Marshals Police Radio:
Marshals, come in. We've got a 617 at the corner of Rutledge and Millbury.

Susie Wagner:
617. That's the attempted rape of the Governor.

– Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 24 days ago

Susie Wagner:
I can't believe those people think you're some kind of artist now.

Chris Monsanto:
I know. Stupid, isn't it?

Susie Wagner:
Who are you gonna donate the money to? I'm working with this great organization that gives fat suits to starving people to boost their self-esteem.

Chris Monsanto:
Yeah, if I gave this money to charity, I'd just look like I'm Melinda gates with a better tit job. No, I think Chris Monsanto's probably just gonna shove this money away in an old jock strap and forget about it, huh?

– Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 24 days ago

Susie Wagner:
Congratulations, Chris. The gallery bust got a great write-up in the art section.

Brett Mobley:
Art section? They should call that "The Funnies" on account of what a joke it is. And they should call The Funnies, "The Obituaries" because no one slays me more than Ziggy, Hagar, and the rest of the gang. And they should call real Estate Sports.

Chris Monsanto:
Brett, why don't you run down to the morgue and find yourself a drawer?

– Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 24 days ago

[after Chris shoots Holst, the customers were interested of the blood splatter]

Buyer:
I bid $50,000.

Chris Monsanto:
What are these phony jabronies doing?

Susie Wagner:
They think that splatter you made is art.

Gleeko:
[to the customers] Hey...pigs? Uh, jackals? Gleeko...over here.

Susie Wagner:
The art world loves you, Chris.

Brett Mobley:
You're gonna be rich, buddy.

[Chris suddenly gets cartoony dollar signs effect in his eyes, knowing that he's rich]

[Eagleheart intro intensifies]

[as the episode starts off at the City Hospital, this scene shows where Chris gets his cartoony dollar sign eyes removed from Dr. Gardner]

Dr. Gardner:
Try not to do any heavy looking for a few days.

Chris Monsanto:
That was really painful. And I haven't gotten your bill yet. [laughs] Uh, seriously, how much is this gonna cost me, Doc?

Dr. Gardner:
[looks at the camera] Oh, not too much.

[then Dr. Gardner suddenly gets cartoony dollar signs in his eyes as well]

Dr. Gardner:
OH, F***! NURSE!

– Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 24 days ago

[Chris captured Holst]

Chris Monsanto:
Know what I always say? I always say every criminal deserves one final meal. Let's see what your was.

[Chris shoots Holst right in the gut, as his blood splatters over the wall]

Chris Monsanto:
Ugh. Vegetable lasagna. Blech! What a girl.

– Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 24 days ago

Holst:
Marshal Chris Monsanto. I didn't know you were an art fan.

Chris Monsanto:
Hey, pal, the only art I give a sh*t about is in the Garfunkel style, as in Art Garfunkel.

– Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 24 days ago

Thug:
Your money -- Now. Turn around.

Person:
...

Thug:
I said, "about face".

Chris Monsanto:
I'm sorry. What about my face? You mean... [unmasked his face back mask] this face? How about this face?

[Chris rips a thug's face]

Brett Mobley:
Oh, nice move, Chris. Say, can I borrow that face? 'Cause there ain't no way they're serving this face at Gordy's Pizza anymore -- Not after what I pulled.

Susie Wagner:
You know the rules. His family gets 7 days to claim it.

– Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 24 days ago

Kesi:
Welcome, everyone. Tonight we unveil the latest work by the remarkable artist, Gleeko.

Gleeko:
Evening, pigs.

– Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 24 days ago

[Chris snorts more Marshal Boost]

Chris Monsanto:
EAGLEHEART!

– Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 24 days ago

Susie Wagner:
Chris! Gasoline Jake and his crew are at the Natural History Museum. Turns out they've been smuggling heroin inside the T-Rex bones.

Brett Mobley:
Well, my pastor said that the dinos all went extinct 'cause they all went gay.

– Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 24 days ago

Chris Monsanto:
Yeah, "Honor Thy Marshal" was a real body blow. Knocked the wind right out of me. But I still got a few irons in the fire, so I'm, uh, pretty excited about those, and I'm -- Ah, who the hell am I kidding here? I got nothing going on.

Chris Monsanto:
Ugh. Look at me. 51 year old man. It's pathetic. This stupid hat on my head. Why am I wearing this hat? Dumb. Where does this even take place? Look at my f***ing vest. Ooh, it's leather. Wow, tough. I got black pants on. Everybody loves the black pants.

Chris Monsanto:
I hate my life. I hate myself. I hate everybody here.

Chris Monsanto:
Alright. Enough of that. Time to crack open a cold bud, as in Budd Dwyer. Remember him, folks? [gun cocks] Ah, maybe this'll remind ya. You might wanna throw a tarp over that camera, guys.

– Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 24 days ago

[as Conan talks about how his show blew his seasons' budget, he shows a clip of an Honor Thy Marshall's 3rd episode called Honor Thy Budget]

Chet Mason:
I'm looking for Peabody.

[Chet Mason then gets punched]

Chet Mason:
[narrating] At that moment, my whole life flashed before my eyes.

[shows a bunch a random clips from the last episodes of Honor Thy Marshal]

Chet Mason:
And then I came to -- It was time for revenge.

[executive producer Conan O'Brien credit intensifies]

– Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 24 days ago

Conan O'Brien:
Hi. I'm Conan O'Brien. Several years ago, I executive-produced a program called "Honor Thy Marshal", starring U.S. Marshal Chris Monsanto as Texas Range Chet Mason. One look and I knew I had a massive hit on my hands.

Conan O'Brien:
Not the show and not Chris Monsanto. They were -- They were terrible. No, I'm talking about co-star Travis Hunt and his fabulous catchphrase, "Nice, bro"!

Conan O'Brien:
I was so sure this was gonna be the next big thing that I had 14 million "Nice, bro"! t-shirts, hats, and mugs printed up at the show's expense.

Conan O'Brien:
The show premiered to a 1. rating, and "Nice, bro"! failed to take the country by storm for reasons I still don't quite understand. In what can only be described as an act of panic-induced cowardice, I snuck into Travis' house one night and tried to end both of our lives.

Conan O'Brien:
Travis, as you probably read in his memoir, "Step Up to Dream", handily disarmed me and later snuck into my house and settle the score. I did what my lawyer said was well within rights to defend myself, and beyond that, I'm really not allowed to comment.

Conan O'Brien:
Anyway, the "Nice, bro"! merch blew pretty much our entire season's budget.

– Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 24 days ago

[as Chet Mason gets out of the rope, Chet uses the ropes to tie Chang's arms and gives to his two horses to rip Chang's arms apart]

Chet Mason:
Well, I guess the Chinese arms race is over.

– Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 24 days ago

Chang:
Mwah! Eyelashes! We have all the eyelashes we need to crush your pathetic economy.

Chet Mason:
Seems like you've got it all figured out, Chang. There's just one thing you Chinese haven't perfected.

[Chet Mason gets out of the rope]

Chet Mason:
Tying knots.

– Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 24 days ago

Chet Mason:
Have you cracked that code yet?

Sam:
I told you, this is really hard.

Chet Mason:
Here, let me have a look.

[as Chet Mason sees the code, he understands what it mean in his vision]

Chet Mason:
Got it! Let's go!

Sam:
Could you go without me?

Chet Mason:
Sam, you're completely useless.

– Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 24 days ago

Chris Monsanto:
If you become a Marshal, you can follow in my footsteps, all the way to Tinselwood. That's right. You know, a few years ago, some Tinselwood bigwigs took notice of my amazing exploits and cast me in the ficitional role of Texas Range Chet Mason in the syndicated series, "Honor Thy Marshal".

Chris Monsanto:
I had some reservations at first. For one, I didn't think my marshalling skills would translate to rangering. And, also, I thought it was a little confusing that my character was a ranger since the title of the show had the word "Marshal" in it.

– Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 24 days ago

Announcer:
Being a United States Marshal is tough. It requires extreme focus, intensity, and alertness. Not everyone has what it takes. But now you can, with Marshal Boost.

Announcer:
Marshal Boost is a partially natural supplement that gives Marshals the energy they need to get the job done.

[shows a scene where Chris snorts Marshal Boost in one of his nostrils]

Chris Monsanto:
IT'S MARSHAL TIME!

Susie Wagner:
Marshal Boost is a Lady Marshal's best friend. It keeps me alert and focused, but, most importantly, it helps controls my mid-morning, lunchtime, and dinnertime hunger pains.

Brett Mobley:
If it wasn't for Marshal Boost, a guy like me might turn to drugs. Plus, it's completely safe!

[as Brett snorts the Marshal Boost, he then starts to have an extreme trippy, tortured nightmare sequence]

Brett Mobley:
[sees cosmos in his hands] It's real. It's so real. It's f***ing beautiful.

Announcer:
Marshal Boost. The Marshal's secret weapon for 20 years.

Announcer:
Side effects include loss of appetite, irritability, and uncontrollable facial tics.

– Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 24 days ago

Chris Monsanto:
And now I'd like to introduce two very special people -- My subordinates.

Brett Mobley:
Hi. I'm Marshal Brett Mobley, and--

[cuts to the next scene]

Susie Wagner:
Hi. I'm Marshal Susie Wagner, and I'm here to tell you what a great place the Marshals Service is for women. Here, men and women are treated equally, and it's getting more equal all the time.

Susie Wagner:
For instance, the amount of words a female Marshal is allowed to say per month just went from 200 to 445. And now, with rollover words, whatever I don't say in one month carries over to the next. Am I choosing mine carefully? Well, let's just say--

[suddenly a buzzer alarms, meaning Susie has ran out of words remained, and can no longer speak throughout this orientation video]

– Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 24 days ago

Chris Monsanto:
You know, people often come up to me and ask, "Hey, Chris, what's your favorite part about being a U.S. Marshal"? By then, of course, I have the purell out and I'm hauling ass down the street. [laughs] But, seriously, uh...you know, if I had to pick one, I'd have to say it's the amazing fighting moves I've mastered over the years, moves that you can learn, too, like the "Please to Meet Me". "The Bearer of Dead News". "Leapfrog". And the "Death Punch".

Chris Monsanto:
Plus, moves too shocking to show in this video, like the "Baltimore Forklift"...the "Reverse Bar Mitzvah"...and the dreaded "Bananas Foster".

– Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 24 days ago

Chris Monsanto:
Hi. I'm Chris Monsanto, U.S. Marshal, and what you just saw was one of the exciting practice drills we performed here in the Marshals Office every day. If you like excitement, danger, and the pride you get from serving your country, well, then, stay tuned. You might just have a career in the Untied States Marshals Services.

– Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 25 days ago

Chris Monsanto:
He's got us pinned down. I guess tonight we're gonna be in heaven partying with Hume Cronyn...or in hell playing grab-ass with Jessica Tandy.

Brett Mobley:
I don't know who these people are.

– Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 25 days ago

[Susie meets Scatman's Brother again]

Susie Wagner:
Oh, hi.

Scatman's Brother:
Hi. I just wanted to come and apologize to you for going to Chris instead of coming to you first. But I knew that he would give it to me bad, which feels so good.

[cuts to the next scene, where Dr. Gardner wakes up after hearing all the stuff what Scatman's Brother just said in Susie's room]

Dr. Gardner:
OF COURSE! [writes notes as he sings] You give it to me bad, which feels so good, I got a sex raaaash.

[cuts to the next scene where Dr. Sinclair also wakes up after hearing Dr. Gardner's voice completely not out of tune]

Dr. Sinclair:
Jackpot! Boogie time.

[cuts to the next scene Dr. Gardner sings Sex Rash with a better song this time]

Dr. Gardner:
Oh-oh-oh, giving me a sex rash. You give it to me, bad, bad, bad, which makes me feel so good. I got a sex raaash!

[back to the original scene]

Scatman's Brother:
Will you forgive me?

Susie Wagner:
[pulls up a hammer] Does this answers your question?

[Susie whacks Scatman's Brother with a hammer]

Scatman's Brother:
[laughing] Oh, Susie, you're the best!

[then Susie keeps on whacking Scatman's Brother with the hammer for their enjoyment, while the moon feels disgusted after hearing all the noises they're making]

Moon:
Well, now I've seen everything. [shoots himself]

– Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 25 days ago

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