Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #24

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 5,718 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Witch Doctor:
You want them dead or undead.

Gary:
Undead.

Hoop:
Just plain not dead would be even better.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

[Stroker and Hoop hide above the ceiling in Gary's Office when Gary arrives]

Gary:
[on phone] Hello, security, there's two guys hanging from my ceiling. I don't know why they think I can't see them.

Stroker:
We know all about the voodoo, Gary! And there's two of us and one of you. We've still got the upper hand.

[Hoop's gun then slips out of his pocket and falls into Gary's desk]

Hoop:
Oops. I probably should have zipped that up, huh?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Gary:
Hey, folks, you want to see our newest model? It's the latest from our religious line. Our nativity bears were such a success, we knew we had to complete it with this.

[Gary pulls a teddy bear stuck to a cross that says "The Pain Is Un-Bearable"]

Stroker:
Oh, this is unbearable.

Hoop:
Or as I like to say, unbearable. Ha, oh, wait.

Stroker:
Let's go look for evidence.

Hoop:
Or as I like to say, bearedence.

Stroker:
Or as I like to say, everbear.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

[Coroner Rick opens Porsche's bathroom and sees Double-Wide taking a dump]

Double-Wide:
Well, ever heard of knocking, Coroner Rick? Jeez.

Coroner Rick:
What the hell are you doing here, Double Wide?

Double-Wide:
Stroker called from New Hampshire and asked me to check in on you. I wonder why. Real nice can you got here, Porsche. [laughs] Although the monogrammed toilet paper is a bit much.

Porsche:
Those are hand towels.

Double-Wide:
Oh. GOTCHA! I was totally kidding. [sees the toilet overflowed]

Double-Wide:
Got anything to nosh down in the kitchen?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Coroner Rick:
I find a bubble bath is just the thing to wash away your sorrows and the smell of dead people.

[Porsche kisses Coroner Rick]

Coroner Rick:
Wow! Ok! For once, this is going how I fantasized it.

Porsche:
Forgive my boldness, Coroner Rick. It's just that I haven't been laid properly in a month.

Coroner Rick:
You're in luck, Porsche. Years of dissecting genitalia have made me an expert lover.

Porsche:
...

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

[Doctor tries to fix a teddy bear]

Doctor:
Nurse, I need 3 CCS of loving care, stat! Clamps! Stuffing, more stuffing, come on. Keep it coming! New eye.

[Nurse gives him an eye]

Doctor:
Dammit, Nurse! This is a vest button! Does this look like an eye to you!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Tour Guide:
This is our TLC Ward where out trained actors fix up well-loved bears with a little tender loving care.

Stroker:
Or as you like to say, "Tender Loving Bear".

Tour Guide:
[pissed] Would you like to do this tour, sir, because that can be arranged, ok?

Stroker:
Uh, no. Sorry. [to Hoop] But I would like to see her bare breasts.

Tour Guide:
What did you just say?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Tour Guide:
Welcome to the New Hampshire Fuzzy Bear Factory. We're busy little bears, so we ask that everyone wear a hard hat during the tour. Here you go, sir.

Stroker:
Yeah, I don't want head lice.

Tour Guide:
Oh, who's the grumpy grizzly?

Hoop:
She got you, Stroker.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Porsche:
[crying] Ansel ordered the bear! I had nothing to do with it! You gotta believe me! You just gotta--

Stroker:
Just calm down, Porsche.

Porsche:
You got to! If you help me, [stops crying] I'll sleep with you. [goes back to crying]

Stroker:
I -- I believe you. I was just testing you. Now, calm down. [slaps Porsche]

Hoop:
Hey, you can't slap a woman. [slaps Stroker]

Stroker:
It was a "Regain your composure" slap. [slaps Hoop]

Hoop:
I don't care! [slaps Stroker]

Stroker:
They do it in the movies. [slaps Hoop]

Hoop:
1950s movies. [slaps Stroker]

[Stroker slaps Hoop multiple times]

Hoop:
Truce, truce, truce!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Porsche:
[singing] Ding dong, the Ansel's dead, the wic--

[sees Stroker and Hoop when she stopped singing]

Porsche:
[fake crying] Oh, Ansel.

Stroker:
I gotta hand it to you, Porsche.

Porsche:
Sorry?

Stroker:
Hiring me was a nice touch. Make you look innocent. But you didn't count on me discovering your little voodoo doll, did you? Do I look like your chump? Your patsy? You voodoo murdering gold-digging whore!

Porsche:
It's true, I stomped on it, but only because it's a crappy gift. I didn't know --

Hoop:
It is a crappy gift.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

[after Stroker accepts Porsche's case, his black girlfriend arrives]

Sunshine:
You Stroker? I'm Sunshine from Budget Escort Services.

Stroker:
Uh, he, uh... [german voice] He no live here no more. I'm Hans from Germany.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Porsche:
Mr. Stroker?

Stroker:
You're not black.

Porsche:
No, I'm not.

Stroker:
But I'm not complaining.

Porsche:
That's good.

Stroker:
How much for everything?

Porsche:
I was going to ask you that.

Stroker:
Well, what do I get to do?

Porsche:
You get to solve the murder of Ansel Candler.

Stroker:
Uh, is that like shaking hands with the bishop, 'cause I was hoping more for something like... [whispered to Porsche's ear]

Porsche:
...

Stroker:
Oh, wait, murder of Ansel Candler! That's a case!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

[after Porsche destroys the teddy bear voodoo of Ansel, she comes back to the room and see his real Ansel dead]

Porsche:
[screams] I mean ca-ching!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Porsche:
Can you believe we've been married one whole month, Ansel?

Ansel:
Put your boobs on my face.

Porsche:
But, wait, Ansel, what about your heart condition?

Ansel:
Read your damn prenup, woman. Boobs, face!

Porsche:
You read the prenup. You're supposed to shower me in gifts. Shower, gifts!

[Ansel gives her a big gift]

Porsche:
Oh, yay! It's awfully big for jewelry.

[Porsche opens the present and sees a teddy bear version of Ansel himself]

Ansel:
A new hampshire fuzzy bear personalized to look like me.

Porsche:
[reads the note] "Ansel Bear wuvs to get busy with u". [sarcastic] How precious. Let me just take it in the other room so I won't spill wine on it, ok?

Ansel:
Don't take long. I've only got a half hour left in my erection.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Hoop:
Hey, C.A.R.R.

Stroker:
Having second thoughts about coming back now that we're big tv stars, huh?

C.A.R.R.:
Kind of. Light 100's parent company decided to change our format to alt-country, so I got fired.

Hoop:
I thought things were going so well.

C.A.R.R.:
Ah, Gangland Slayings didn't work the same magic for light hits as they did for rap. After the decapitation of Carly Simon, pretty much everyone went into hiding.

Stroker:
It's a fickle business. One minute you're a fading star, the next you've been reborn as a decapitated diva.

C.A.R.R.:
Bippity-Boppity. I was a DJ, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. It's not even my size.

Hoop:
C.A.R.R.! SHOWING LIGHT 100 COLORS IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD? ARE YOU CRAZY?!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

[after shooting a court scene for a series]

Stroker:
Hey, thanks again for the guest starring roles, Homicidal Rapist.

Hoop:
It's sure going to be a thrill to see my name speed by in the squeezed credits under the starts of the local news.

MC Homicidal Rapist:
It was the least I could do. After all, it was your idea I take credit for accidentally shooting Lil' Rapist and TJ. Sure pushed that Eminem movie out of everybody's minds.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

[after Lil' Rapist was dead, he still has a bit of health left of him and starts to shoot TJ the DJ's arm]

TJ the DJ:
Hey, oh! That has got to hurt! [weakly normal voice] Yes, it does. [falls down]

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

[as Chico shoots Lil' Rapist, Chico then revealed himself to be Corner Rick all along]

Hoop:
Coroner Rick?

Coroner Rick:
That's right! [laughs]

Hoop:
Where in the world did you get a mask of Chico?

Coroner Rick:
Oh, I didn't. I just cut Chico's face off and used it to disguise myself. You want to try it on?

Stroker:
Uh, no, thanks.

TJ the DJ:
Ho! Forget the lemonade stand. I think I dropped a dump in the old dockers, folks. I'm freakin' dying inside but my voice remains unchanged.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Hoop:
So when are we gonna see Homicidal Rapist?

Stroker:
Sorry, Hoop. They're making me kill you and TJ.

Hoop:
What?

TJ the DJ:
Hey, hey, kill us? Well, that just put some lemonade in the old levis. I'm friggin' terrified here, but years of talking like this have made me unable to express it.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

[while Stroker gets pointed with a gun from Lil' Rapist]

Stroker:
Uh, Homicidal Rapist wanted me to invite you all to his mansion as a special thank you for making him look like such a swell guy.

Hoop:
Aw, Homicidal just gets sweeter and sweeter.

Stroker:
Yeah, he wants to *shoot* the breeze. It's a great *set up*.

Hoop:
Thar sounds fun!

C.A.R.R.:
Yeah, we're about to do a creed 3-fer and we're good to go.

TJ the DJ:
With arms wide open.

Stroker:
Uh, hey, Rick, how's your Sister, Indanja?

Coroner Rick:
What? Oh, you know I don't have a sister, Stroker. [phone rings] I wish I could join you, but somebody just shot up a bunch of fellas at the motel. Hey, you want me to show you guys to the prize closet?

Lil' Rapist:
That's ok. We gotta get going anyway.

Stroker:
Hey, C.A.R.R., uh, can you play Bruce Springsteen's "Look Out, There's A Gun At My Back"?

C.A.R.R.:
That's classic rock. We're adult contemporary.

Stroker:
Damn it, how about Lionel Ritchie's "You Guys Are Morons"?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Stroker:
What the hell? C.A.R.R., you're a DJ? Coroner Rick?

Coroner Rick:
I heard C.A.R.R. on the radio and I had to come right down. Check it out. I got a Light 100 t-shirt, zoo crew coffee mug, water bottle, coaster--

C.A.R.R.:
Put the coaster back. We're almost out of coasters.

Coroner Rick:
I can't. I already rested my drink on it.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

TJ the DJ:
Hey, Hoop, I understand you've got some exclusive web content for our light listeners.

Hoop:
That's right. You may have heard the name MC Homicidal Rapist. He's a rap star.

C.A.R.R.:
That's the music without any melody that angry black gangstas play to get under our skin.

[cuts to the next scene where MC Homicidal is listen to the Light 100 broadcast on radio while driving]

Hoop:
Actually, he's not a gangster at all. He's a total sweetheart.

MC Homicidal Rapist:
[stops the car] What the fizz...

TJ the Dj:
And if you're as sick of all the posturing and so-called urban music as I am, you are gonna love this.

MC Homicidal Rapist:
Oh, god, no.

Lil' Rapist:
You know what? I'm really gonna enjoy killing those two.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

C.A.R.R.:
[on phone] Heyo!

Hoop:
C.A.R.R., quick computer question.

C.A.R.R.:
Greeting, light hits lovers. This is Wheelie the Light 100 Funmobile!

Hoop:
What?

C.A.R.R.:
I'm spinning all your favorite light hits right now, so I can't get to the phone, but you can meet me in person at Bob Boomer Auto today from 7:00 to noon. Keep it light, people. You know I will. And if this is Stroker, screw you, you incompetent bastard. [hangs up]

[Hoop calls the number again]

Hoop:
Hey, Wheelie, this is Hoop. I'm coming down there. I need your help.

[after Hoop leaves]

Hoop:
[gets back on phone] Also can you play "Total Eclipse of The Heart" for my Mom? Light 100 is the best! Bippity-boppity! [leaves]

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

Lil' Rapist:
Whassup, b*tches?

Stroker:
What do you want? Lil' Rapist?

Lil' Rapist:
Here to see if I should murder your asses.

Stroker:
We got the tapes.

Lil' Rapist:
Damn. You got any chocolate cookies, b*tch?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 1 month ago

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