Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #23

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104 — There are currently 5,718 quotes total — keep up the great work!

C.A.R.R.: Santa! Santa! Over here! Santa: Well! Hello there, C.A.R.R. C.A.R.R.: How are you holding up, big guy? Santa: [vomits] Oh, ho, fine, fine. Thanks for asking. C.A.R.R.: I think what Stroker is doing to you is despicable. Santa: Oh, I'm not worried for myself. It's the children. Their presents will be stuck at the North Pole. C.A.R.R.: You're the real Santa Claus? Stroker said you were a wino. Santa: [offended] – Stroker and Hoop Movie Quote	added 1 month ago
[Santa reads a note on Stroker's door] Stroker: [narrating] Hey, Big S, something came up, so I had to go. And besides, there is no f'n way I can solve this mystery in 24 hours. Ah, maybe your elves know an antidote. Your pal, big S number two. P.S. If the reindeer come, please carve them. [laughs] But, ah, seriously, you can help yourself to the booze in the fridge. – Stroker and Hoop Movie Quote	added 1 month ago
Narrator: Stroker may have lied about a lot of things, but not the snowstorm. It was the worst blizzard to hit southern California in 100 years. – Stroker and Hoop Movie Quote	added 1 month ago
C.A.R.R.: What's Hoop doing in that monstrosity? Stroker: There's a blizzard coming. We need a 4-wheel drive. C.A.R.R.: Why? We have perfectly good snow chains in the garage. I'll help you untangle them. I don't want to be alone on Christmas. Just give me a tow, then. I'm not proud. Hoop: Merry Christmas, C.A.R.R.! [Stroker and Hoop leaves] C.A.R.R.: Those bastards. – Stroker and Hoop Movie Quote	added 1 month ago
C.A.R.R.: I can't believe you're going skiing instead of saving Santa. Stroker: Shut up, C.A.R.R. Keith: Dad, I thought you said you were gonna help Santa? Stroker: Listen, buddy, you think your Dad would drive up to a fancy ski lodge instead of saving Santa Claus? Keith: Yeah. Stroker: Of course not. He's going to the North Pole to investigate the men who hurt Santa. In fact, he's leaving Santa a not right now about some important leads. With some cookies. Stroker: Don't read Santa's mail, Keith. Keith: Ok. Stroker: Sorry Dad can't be with you tomorrow, but he has to save Christmas. I'll tell you what, I'll make it up by buying you something really expensive when I get back, ok? [Stroker sees Angel getting ready to get Keith at her car] Stroker: Remember what I said about a reward for not telling Mommy about the lottery. [laughs] Ok, attaboy. [Hoop arrives in a big truck] Hoop: Hey, Stroke, ready to hit the slopes? Stroker: Hell, yes! [Keith looked at Stroker with a gasped face] Stroker: The slopes of Santa's Workshop! – Stroker and Hoop Movie Quote	added 1 month ago
Lotto Announcer: [on TV] And now for today's winning numbers -- 3, 25, 49... Stroker: Hold on a sec. Did she say 3-25-49? Quiet, Santa, I can't hear the tv. That can't be right. Coroner Rick, check my ticket. [Coroner Rick checks the lotto ticket] Coroner Rick: Oh, my god! Stroker just won the lottery, and he got to share the moment with his best friend. Stroker: Yeah, this is awesome! You guys can all go [bleep] yourselves 'cause I just won! Awesome! Yeah! This is gonna be the best christmas ever! [sees Santa still around] Stroker: Sorry, Santa. [quietly] Yes! – Stroker and Hoop Movie Quote	added 1 month ago
Coroner Rick: Good news on your tox screen, Santa. Negative for all known poisons. Santa: Oh, ho, thank goodness! Coroner Rick: The bad news is we found an unidentified drug that looks like a new slow-acting designer poison. Santa: Is there any way to create an antidote? Coroner Rick: Absolutely. We'll just need to biopsy the brain and the liver to confirm the diagnosis once you're dead. Isolate the compound, test it on some rats, and in a few years, we'll almost certainly have an antidote. [laughs] Oh, you mean for you. Ooh, of course. I'm sorry. No. – Stroker and Hoop Movie Quote	added 1 month ago
[Stroker saves Santa] Stroker: Enough with the moaning. You're in pain. We get it. Santa: I can't believe you're bringing me here. Stroker: Hey, Santa, if you're so finicky about your hospital, get insurance. – Stroker and Hoop Movie Quote	added 1 month ago
Mall Cop: Drop the weapon! Stroker: [shows his badge] John Strockmeyer, Private Investigator. Mall Cop: I said drop it, asshole! Stroker: Chill, man. Private Investigator, Trumps Mall Cop. Mall Cop: This is your last warning! Stroker: Why don't you go check to see if anyone's parked in the loading zone at Urban Outfit-- [Stroker gets pepper sprayed] Stroker: Oh, my eyes! My eyes! [Stroker then gets beat up from a Mall Cop] Mall Cop: And for future reference, the parking lot speed limit is 5! [kicks Stroker 5 times] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5! – Stroker and Hoop Movie Quote	added 1 month ago
Narrator: You know, Christmas time can have a funny way of looking like any other time around our little valley. Today, for instance, beautiful Christmas Eve morning. You would have never guessed from looking at the responsibility for saving Christmas was about to fall on one man. [transitions to the next scene to a Family Man] Narrator: Oh, I wish it was him. Strong, brave, pillar of the community, but no. [pans the camera at Stroker] It was this guy. – Stroker and Hoop Movie Quote	added 1 month ago
Stroker: Hey, don't worry, buddy. I'll pay you a cold million out of my billion. What do you say, Porsche? A million for everybody! All: Alright! Coroner Rick: Thank you, Stroker! Stroker: Wait, duh, how many millions in a billion? Porsche: $1,000. Stroker: $1,000? $100,000 for everybody! All: Alright! Haitian Worker: Alright! Ansel: Not so fast! Porsche: Ansel, you're alive! Ansel: That's right. Having the doctor repair the Ansel bear repaired me. [to Stroker] I don't know how to thank you. Stroker: Oh, I'm sure you can of something. Maybe a billion somethings? Stroker & Ansel: [laughs] Ansel: That's funny! Pay you a billion dollars. [laughs] Poor people say the darndest things. Stroker: No, seriously, that was the rate. A billion dollars for solving your murder. Ansel: But the only thing is I'm not dead. Porsche: Later, guys. Stroker: Dammit! Haitian Worker: So, no $100,000? Ansel: No, but I pulled some strings and got you a job in the Nike Factory. Haitian Worker: Would someone please make me undead again? – Stroker and Hoop Movie Quote	added 1 month ago
Hoop: Were they able to revive the undead workers? Coroner Rick: Well, unfortunately, most of the undead are just plain dead now because we blew their brains out. Double-Wide: We were on a roll, man! A zombie-killing roll! [imitating gunfire] Die! Die! – Stroker and Hoop Movie Quote	added 1 month ago
[while Stroker and Porsche are hiding in another room] Stroker: That door won't hold forever, and I'm down to my last two bullets. Porsche: There's only one thing to do. Stroker: Open the door and g out in a blaze of glory? Porsche: I was thinking of having sex. Stroker: Now? Porsche: The fear of getting caught really makes me hot. Stroker: Well, alright. [as Stroker unbutton his pants] Hoop: Stroker, open up. Stroker! Porsche: Wait, that's Hoop! Stroker: No, that's zombie moaning. They're gonna catch us. Does that turn you on? Porsche: Yes. Hoop: It's me, Hoop. Stroker: [to Porsche] They must have turned him into a zombie. [to Hoop] Not now, Hoop. Hoop: It's safe now. Coroner Rick called the Haitian Police. Porsche: Did he just say it's safe? Stroker: It's a trick. [as Stroker was about to kiss Porsche, Hoop and the Haitian Police came in] Stroker: Dammit, Hoop! – Stroker and Hoop Movie Quote	added 1 month ago
[Coroner Rick shoots the zombies but the gun only shoots a flashlight out on them] Coroner Rick: What the hell? Double-Wide: [laughs] That's pure sunshine. It's like acid to zombies. Porsche: Isn't that vampires? Double-Wide: Zombies, too! That's why they called it "Night of the Living Dead". They wouldn't call it "Day of the Dead". Coroner Rick: That was THE SEUQEL! Double-Wide: Oh, crap. – Stroker and Hoop Movie Quote	added 1 month ago
Gary: Well, well, well. I see we've been watching Discovery Channel? The close your eyes an hold you breath trick won't work this time. Hoop: There's one thing I have to know. Why did you send Ansel Candler a voodoo doll? What's your evil plan? Gary: There's no plan. Zombies are just stupid. You tell them to make a teddy bear, and sometimes they screw up and make a voodoo doll. A few customers get killed. It's just the cost of doing business. Hoop: You greedy bastard. What happened to your hippie ideal? Gary: Greedy? I donate a half percent of net profits from rainforest bear to the Amazon. Hoop: Hey, by the way, what ever happened to the rainforest? I completely lost track. – Stroker and Hoop Movie Quote	added 1 month ago
Hoop: We zombies are going on strike! We want better rages, more brains, and a microwave in the break room. – Stroker and Hoop Movie Quote	added 1 month ago
[Hoop creates a Coroner Rick voodoo doll to send a message to the crew] Coroner Rick: Ow! Dammit, Porsche! I told you no fingernails on the back! Porsche: I'm not! Coroner Rick: OW! Dammit, Double-Wide. You, too. Double-Wide: It's not me, man. Coroner Rick: AAAH! MY BACK! MY BACK! Double-Wide: Hold on. It's writing. [Double-Wide reads the letters on Coroner's back while it writes] Double-Wide: "Help! I'm trapped at the New Hampshire Fuzzy Bear Factory". It must be from Hoop! Coroner Rick: Can't that mother abbreviate "N.H."? N.H. Double-Wide: [continues reading] "It's in Haiti...1341 Port Av Prince Boulevard Northwest". Coroner Rick: [still in pain] Double-Wide: "It's swarming with (please turn to front) Coroner Rick: Damn it! [switches the side of Coroner Rick's stomach to finish the message] Double-Wide: "Zombies! Bring help! Thanks, your pal, Hoop". Wow, zombies! Coroner Rick: Oh, thank god that's over. [Hoop continues to write one last thing] Coroner Rick: [screams in torture] Double-Wide: "P.S...." – Stroker and Hoop Movie Quote	added 1 month ago
[Gary sees a zombie making a voodoo doll] Gary: Another voodoo doll? I have to keep my eyes on you zombies every second. STOP MAKING VOODOO DOLLS! [beats him up] I HAVE TOLD YOU! I'VE TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU! Gary: Damn, it's unsatisfying beating a zombie. – Stroker and Hoop Movie Quote	added 1 month ago
[Coroner Rick sees a teddy bear version of Hoop and a note] Coroner Rick: [reads] "Twapped with Stwoker in Haitian Fuzzy Bear Factowy! Need immediate wescue! Pwease send Help! -- Hoopie Bear". Coroner Rick: I can't believe those guys are still screwing around in New Hampshire. Double-Wide: Ah, yeah. I can't keep up this orgy much longer. The mozzarella sticks are backing up on me. Porsche: That's why the Romans invented the Vomitorium. [vomits on the bucket] Ah, that's better. Now, who wants a blow job? Coroner Rick: No, thanks. Double-Wide: I'm cool. Thanks, Porsche. [changes his mind for a few seconds] Ah, what the hell? Porsche: Wait -- No, wait. Hold on again. [throw up once more] – Stroker and Hoop Movie Quote	added 1 month ago
[Stroker eats brains while being a zombie] Stroker: This is disgusting. I hate myself. – Stroker and Hoop Movie Quote	added 1 month ago
Hoop: Oh, my god. They're using zombies for cheap labor. Those greedy bastards. – Stroker and Hoop Movie Quote	added 1 month ago
C.A.R.R.: Hold it, right there! Double-Wide: C.A.R.R.? What are you doing here? C.A.R.R.: Stroker asked me to keep an eye on you keeping an eye on Coroner Rick. This case sucks. I feel like Aquaman when there's trouble in the Sahara. Porsche: Who is it, Double-Wide? Double-Wide: It's Stroker's car. Porsche: Ask him if he wanna have sex with us. Double-Wide: Hey, C.A.R.R., do you want to -- [to Porchse] What? It's a car! – Stroker and Hoop Movie Quote	added 1 month ago
Porsche: Oh, my god, Coroner Rick. I didn't know Coroner's carried a night stick. Coroner Rick: That's not a night stick. [laughs] Porsche: And Double-Wide, I didn't know mechanics used, uh, Chapstick. Double-Wide: That's not Chapstick. [laughs] Wait a minute. – Stroker and Hoop Movie Quote	added 1 month ago
[when Stroker and Hoop are trapped in coffins after getting blown from zombie powder] Hoop: [thinking] I sure hope Stroker thought to close his eyes and hold his breath when the guy blew the zombie powder on our faces. You really do learn a lot on the Discovery Channel. Stroker: [thinking] So, this is how it ends? Brief stinging, followed by numbness, and then a hunger for brains. How long is a flight to Haiti? I gotta...I gotta take a dump. Do zombies take dumps? Ah, they eat brains. You'd think they'd have to. – Stroker and Hoop Movie Quote	added 1 month ago

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