Jack Taggart: Chase, round up any eye witnesses. I want this defilement erased from their memories.
Chase Fontaine: I'm on it.
[Chase grabs a civilian]
Civilian: Wait, I know who did it...
[Chase head smashes the civilian]
Chase Fontaine: Hey, what about you, eyeballs? What did you see?
Black Guy: Not a damn thing.
– The Xtacles Movie Quote
Jack Taggart: Get this statue covered up. The President's ass has suffered enough humiliation.
Evil President Stan: Today is a great day for me, and therefore by default, also a great day for americans.
Reporter Woman: Is it true that you spent 200 million of the tax payers' dollars to build this statue?
Evil President Stan: Why that's ridiculous as the rumor my press secretary and his aides feed on human flesh!
Stan Clones: Hurumph! Hurumph! Hurumph!
Reporter Woman: Hi, guys.
Evil President Stan: Ladies and gentlemen...I give the Stanument!
[as the workers reveals the Stanument]
Evil President Stan: Oh my god! My ass!
[then the Stanument falls down hurting the reporter woman and Stan clones]
Evil President Stan: SOMEONE HAS DESECRATED MY STATUE!
General: In the ass.
Evil President Stan: YES, IN THE ASS. I CAN SEE THAT!
General: Imagine if that had been your real ass, the sheer brutality of it.
Evil President Stan: I want whoever did this to pay! Get me Mechaconstable.
General: Uh sir, about that, his firmware got bricked when I tried to install some, uh, third party programs.
Evil President Stan: What! Why can't you ever be happy with factory settings?
General: Cause I'm not a lame-ass noob. Sir.
Evil President Stan: Fine, get me those damned Xtacles.
Father Yeti: You must avenged our people, my son. [coughs] You must destroyed The Xtacles. [dies]
Son Yeti: Father! NOOOOO--
[then Son Yeti gets hit by a car from Mr. Ford]
Mr. Ford's Wife: Oh, my god! What was that?!
Mr. Ford: Must hit a ice skunk or somethin'.
Mr. Ford's Wife: Oh, we should stop and help it.
Mr. Ford: Woman, are you crazy? This is my one good shirt.
Evil President Stan: Terrorists are systematically destroying the Rocky Mountains.
Jack Taggart: America's favorite mountain range. Good. And for what?
A.L.E.X.: Yeah, I think that might've been us.
Jack Taggart: Not now, Alex. The humans are talking.
Evil President Stan: Sadly, you're the only *heroes* available to stop them.
Jack Taggart: That's probably not the worst of it, sir. The rockies are a notorious training ground for...the Yeti.
Evil President Stan: Are you seriously suggesting that these are Yeti terrorists?
Jack Taggart: It's possible. The fact I'm now completely convinced it's true.
Evil President Stan: This might've been a mistake.
[suddenly Ed shows up while screaming after getting flamed from Mr. Ford's car engine]
Jack Taggart: IT'S THE YETI! ATTACK!
A.L.E.X.: NO!
[Jack shoots Ed]
A.L.E.X.: That's Ed! He works here! He'd...worked...here.
Jack Taggart: I didn't know Ed was a yeti. Did we know that when we hired him? I want some answers, damn it!
Evil President Stan: If it hadn't been with my own eyes, I never would've believed it.
A.L.E.X.: Yeah, that's because is completely unbelievable.
Evil President Stan: And you didn't hesitate to kill your own men. That's the kind of ruthlessness and lack of ethics America needs in his heroes.
Jack Taggart: It needed to be done, sir. Plus it felt really good.
Evil President Stan: It always does. [end call]
Jack Taggart: Our first mission accomplished in what, 8 seconds? I call that a complete success.
A.L.E.X.: I think I might disagree.
Jack Taggart: Orders are orders. My hands are tied.
A.L.E.X.: But they're terrible orders. That's how Awesome-X has ever given you.
Jack Taggart: I don't buy that. I don't buy that for one minute.
A.L.E.X.: Oh, okay. Like the time he ordered you to fight those ogres, then a bunch of you got captured by the ogres and your bones got ground up into ogre bread. Then the rest of you ate the ogre bread, but you didn't realize it was made out of Xtacle bones.
Jack Taggart: Yeah, it sucked. And I sent the bread back because I found bones in it. And, oh, my god, the ogres reacted horribly, however, it does not change the fact that I do not have the authority to change the orders.
A.L.E.X.: But you do. According to the Xtacle charter, in the event that Awesome-X dies, or goes to space or has [inhales deeply] sexed to death while in space, all previous orders are nullified.
Jack Taggart: So what you're saying is if I don't disobey orders then I'm still disobeying orders?
A.L.E.X.: Exactly. Now, why don't we plot a course around the mountain.
Jack Taggart: No. That mountain's been asking for it. We're gonna punch it in its f***ing face.
Ed: Hey, guys! Happy Bon Jovi Friday everyone! I've been meaning to ask you guys, how'd you get your helmets off?
Chase Fontaine: Uh, with the release valve?
[as Chase presses Ed's release valve, its revealed that Ed happens to have grown long hair and a beard]
Chase Fontaine: Holy [bleep], sambora! Have you never taken off your helmet?
Ed: I didn't know how, okay! Like you're all geniuses.
Chase Fontaine: [laughs] What is with this gu-u-y?
Joseph Bigsby: But how do you even eat?
Ed: You know, uh, these suits recycle our feces and urine.
[everyone was silenced]
Chase Fontaine: ...No. They don't.
Ed: Oh, no.
[the rest of the Xtacles steps back from Ed]
Mr. Ford: Whoa! Mr. Ford is back in action, b*tches!
[as Mr. Ford start his new car engine, he accidentally burns Ed]
Ed: AAAAAAH! FIRE!
Xtacle #2: Tryna put him out! Get a fire extinguisher so we can put him out!
Chase Fontaine: Actually, you know what? Let's wait a minute because maybe he'll burn some of the stink off.
Ed: YOU NEVER THINK THIS IS GONNA HAPPEN TO YOU, BUT IT'S HAPPENING! OH, MY GOD!
Chase Fontaine: Oh, god no. It's getting worse. Put it out.
Chase Fontaine: If we keep drinking like this, we're gonna need a Meatloaf Monday.
Joseph Bigsby: Like the singer, right?
Chase Fontaine: No! No, god! I just mean we're gonna have to eat a lot of meatloaf to SOAK UP ALL THIS ALCOHOL! Why-Why you have to be such a buzzkill?
Xtacle #2: Yeah, man.
Chase Fontaine: It's so frustrating from you when you guys don't know how to party.
Xtacle #2: [laughs at Chase] You're awesome, man.
Evil President Stan: What do we have to go on?
General: Other than a bunch of broken mountains, absolutely nothing.
Evil President Stan: Then it was obviously a terrorist attacking us. Get me Mechaconstable.
General: Sorry, sir. He's been salvaged for parts.
Evil President Stan: What about the Future Champions?
General: Uh, still stranded in the past.
Evil President Stan: So...there's nobody else we can get?
General: Uh, well, we could, uh, call The Xtacles.
Evil President Stan: Are you joking? It's 11:00am, they're drunk already.
A.L.E.X.: Good morning, Xtacles. I'm A.L.E.X., your ship's automated help program. How may I assist you, today?
Chase Fontaine: Okay, here's the situation. Jack is being a dick and he's gonna fly us into a mountain.
A.L.E.X.: Oh, dear. We've got to convince him to change course.
Chase Fontaine: You know what, do whatever you want. We just want you to distract him so we can have a party.
Ed: YEAH! PARTY BOOSH!
Chase Fontaine: [to Ed] And you are uninvited.
Ed: [groans] Sad boosh.
Chase Fontaine: Hey Bigs, since we're all gonna die, me and the guys are gonna have some beers on the deck. You know, Bon Jovi Friday.
Ed & Xtacle #2: Bon Jovi Friday!
Ed: We're gonna rock it!
Xtacle #2: We're so doin that.
Joseph Bigsby: Well, wait, but today's Thursday.
Chase Fontaine: No, no, no. You don't understand. When you have Friday off from work, and you just f*** around all day Thursday, you know what that is? That is a Bon Jovi Friday!!
Xtacle #2: Bon Jovi Friday!
Joseph Bigsby: Oh, hey, we have tomorrow off?
Chase Fontaine: Dude. One more crash, we're all gonna die. Yeah, we have tomorrow off.
Joseph Bigsby: Aw, but what about Jack? He'll never let us party. Not when we're this close to dying.
Jack Taggart: Come fourth mountain and claim my brains, and forever I will be stained upon your peak. And 1,000 years from now, martians will see the stains and know -- There lies liberty.
Joseph Bigsby: [to Chase] See what I'm talkin' about.
Chase Fontaine: No, no, no. Don't worry, I've got a plan for Jack. Activate the hologram.
Joseph Bigsby: Oh, you mean like--
Chase Fontaine: Why is there a jelly sandwich jammed in here?
Joseph Bigsby: Because that's the Sandwich Warmer.
Chase Fontaine: No. That's the optical drive for the ship's hologram.
Joseph Bigsby: All I know is that he keeps the sandwich very warm.
Xtacle #2: Oh, yeah. We should get paninis.
Ed: Yeah!
Chase Fontaine: Bon Jovi would disapprove of your attitude right now.
Ed: Oh, no!
Chase Fontaine: And Bon Jovi's speaking for everybody.
Ed: You can't argue with JBJ.
Xtacle #2: Okay. Better idea. Let's stick our penises in there.
Ed: Ooh, I love paninis!
Chase Fontaine: [to Ed] Dude, you are my least favorite Xtacle.
Mr. Ford: Hurry up robot. I gots to go.
Xtacle #1: Alright I think we're ready. Let's uh...
Mr. Ford: I got a date!
Xtacle #1: Ok. Is, uh...that what you're going to wear?
Mr. Ford: Yeah, why?
Xtacle #1: It just seems a little casual.
Mr. Ford: F*** you, robot! This is all I got to wear because you jerks crashed into my damn house!
Xtacle #1: Ok.
Mr. Ford: And that's why I'm living rent free in the reactor room on Deck 25.
Xtacle #1: You know what, you look fine. Alright Bigsby, let's give it a little gas.
Joseph Bigsby: A lot?
Mr. Ford: Yeah, yeah.
Xtacle #1: What?
Joseph Bigsby: Okay!
[as Joseph Bigsby gives Mr. Ford's car a lot of gas, Mr. Ford's car engine explode making the Xtacle getting blown away]
Mr. Ford: Y'all a bunch of crazies. [on phone] Hello? Yeah I need a tow rocket, or maybe a blimp. Blimp! Blimp, ya dumbass. Y'all got one of them?
Mr. Ford: I don't know where I am. [chuckles] Uh, let me see. There's some sky...and a mountain.
[sees the ship crashing to another mountain again as always]
Mr. Ford: Make that a busted-ass mountain.
[Evil President Stan gets a message from an agent]
Preschool Girl: What's wrong, Mr. President?
Evil President Stan: Someone is destroying the Rocky Mountains.
Evil President Stan: Most likely with dirtified nuclear bombs.
Preschool Girl: Are we going to die?
Evil President Stan: Some of you. The lucky ones. The rest will likely become irradiated zombie monsters. You'll indiscriminately eat the brains of the people you once called friends and family.
Preschool Kids: [crying]
Evil President Stan: STOP YOUR SOBBING. We're distributing cyanide caplets, take them at your leisure. They've been made into fun shapes like dinosaurs and rainbows.
[Stan reads a story to the preschool kids]
Evil President Stan: But the goat couldn't find the train. Can you find the train in this picture? Oh, come on! It's right here.
Mr. Ford: Uh...hey, y'all know you're headed into another mountain right?
Joseph Bigsby: No. [chuckles] Touchy subject, Mr. Ford.
Mr. Ford: Well then would you mind giving my car a jump? I want to get the f*** out of here!
Chase Fontaine: How many more mountains are we going to crash into today?
Joseph Bigsby: Only three more.
Chase Fontaine: Ok, well that's not so bad.
Joseph Bigsby: Then the ship explodes.
Chase Fontaine: Well, then change course, you douchebag.
Jack Taggart: Hey! Nobody's doing anything until we get new orders.
Chase Fontaine: New whats
Jack Taggart: Orders, from our beloved leader, Awesome-X.
Chase Fontaine: Dude! That guy is in outer space. It's all over the news. Besides, he hasn't been here in like a year.
Jack Taggart: Awesome-X is our leader, and until we get new orders, we will follow his old orders.
Joseph Bigsby: But, what were his old orders?
Jack Taggart: To *wait* for more orders.
Joseph Bigsby: Oh...yeah. [pauses for a couple seconds]
Jack Taggart: Also, brace for impact.
A.L.E.X.: Warning. Proximity alert.
Jack Taggart: Brace for impact! Here comes the glory.
Joseph Bigsby: Permission to be scared, sir.
Jack Taggart: Permission denied.
Joseph Bigsby: Alright.
Aaron Burr: Knock, knock. Knock, knock. Who's there? Knock, knock. Ooh, knock, knock. Hee hee! Who's there? Knock, knock. I like...dog on the pizza. Yeah. I like...dog on the pizza.
[Thomas Jefferson shoots Arron Burr]
Thomas Jefferson: I couldn't take another second of that.
Alexander Hamilton: You killed the Vice President. [said it calmly while eating pizza]
Thomas Jefferson: No, no, no. It was a duel. [picks up Aaron Burr while imitating him] No, Aaron Burr!
[Thomas Jefferson shoots Alexander Hamilton]
Thomas Jefferson: Oh, look. That Aaron Burr killed Alexander Hamilton in a duel.
– Young Person's Guide to History Movie Quote
[as Benjamin's kite was in the pot, a sudden thunderstruck of lightning shoots the kite, then turns the vice president creation inside the pot into a weird turn.
Thomas Jefferson: Oh, my god.
Benjamin Franklin: Don't say that word. God is gone from this room.
[as the smokes clears out, the vice president turns out to be a dirty naked creature wearing his undies]
Benjamin Franklin: What are we gonna name him?
Thomas Jefferson: Thomeg Jeffersoff.
Benjamin Franklin: No. That's a terrible name. How 'bout Casper Hutchinson?
Thomas Jefferson: Bah.
Benjamin Franklin: What was that?
Benjamin Franklin: Aaron...
Benjamin Franklin: ...Burr.
Thomas Jefferson: YEAH, AARON BURR! AARON BURR! BEEJ! [kisses]
Benjamin Franklin: I know, I know.
Thomas Jefferson: Oh, damn. Look how big he got!
Aaron Burr: [babbling]
Thomas Jefferson: [to Burr] Look how pretty you are. Look how beautiful you are. Look how smart and beautiful you are. You're so smart. [sees Burr about to pull his wet hair] No, no, no, don't touch it, motherf***er.
Thomas Jefferson: I love you so much. it's gonna be you and me, the President and the Vice President, okay? And no one else. We're together like a team. You're a vice presidential thing of beauty. [sees Burr running happily] You want to be Vice President? You want to be Vice President? YOU WANNA BE VICE PRESIDENT?! Look at him being Vice President, Beej! That's him being Vice Pr-- I'M COMING WITH YOU! I'M RUNNING AFTER YOU! [leaves]
Benjamin Franklin: [hand gesturing his "What have I've done" expression]
[as Thomas Jefferson is making a vice president with Benjamin's pot]
Benjamin Franklin: Hmm.
Thomas Jefferson: [annoyed] What? What?!
Benjamin Franklin: You're stirring it wrong, that's all. You're stirring it wrong.
Thomas Jefferson: Ohhh, I'm stirring it wrong?!
Benjamin Franklin: Yes. Yes.
Thomas Jefferson: Oh, I'm stirring it wrong!
[Benjamin Franklin puts his kite to the pot]
Benjamin Franklin: This...is how its done.
Thomas Jefferson: You take this kite [bleep] too far, man.
Thomas Jefferson: I need a vice president, Beej.
Benjamin Franklin: Well, I'd love to be a vice president. Absolutely. Of cour-- Yes!
Thomas Jefferson: No. I do not want you to be my vice president, I want you to make me a vice president, okay, Barbara? Let's go.
[as Benjamin opens the door, Thomas sees Benjamin's hair all wasted-looking]
Thomas Jefferson: Oh, my god. What happened to you hair?
Benjamin Franklin: What?
Thomas Jefferson: It looks terrible.
Benjamin Franklin: What do you mean?
Thomas Jefferson: Everyone can see you're bald. You look like a woman.
Benjamin Franklin: The Government will purchase Mr. Jefferson's entire collection of colonial erotica and detective novels for the sum of $10,000, which will cover his debt owed to the firm of Greeley and Kornhaber.
[as Benjamin Franklin got done with his speech, Alexander starts next]
Alexander Hamilton: Words are--
[until Thomas Jefferson shoves Hamilton out of the way]
Thomas Jefferson: [before he was about to say something] What are you looking at, you piece of [bleep]?
[Thomas then psychically explodes the Congressmans' heads]
[as Tim Heidecker passes out from eating onions in his sandwich, the crew reshoot the scene with again with different bill collectors]
Thomas Jefferson: BILL COLLECTORS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN?!
Bill Collector #3: Hold it right there, Jefferson. Pay us the $10,000, or we will be forced to take possession of your home.
[Thomas Jefferson thinks for a sec, then presses a button behind his desk, releasing a big whale eating the bill collectors]
Thomas Jefferson: [speaking Spanish]
Thomas Jefferson: Okay, I don't know how long we're gonna get with that, so why don't we pack up every single thing in this house and go?