Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #18

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 6,792 quotes total — keep up the great work!

[Dr. Gardner explains when he turns Susie into a man]

Dr. Gardner:
This testosterone should put you right in the gray zone, making you neither man nor woman, yet, at the same time, both.

Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 25 days ago

Captain:
Well, it's happened again. That damned hermaphrodite has waltzed into the courts and blown away another judge -- Third time this week.

Chris Monsanto:
Ugh. Disgusting these he/shes. [spits]

Brett Mobley:
Yeah. [spits]

Chris Monsanto:
Brett, clean that up.

Chris Monsanto:
Well, I say we bullet this boychick.

Captain:
Easy, Monsanto. It's our own fault for not patting him/her down. The only legal way to catch it is for onw of you to get an injection of hormones that'll temporarily turn you into a shim. Then you'll run a third security line, and we'll finally stop this ungodly thing from killing another [sighs] judge.

Chris Monsanto:
Well, that sounds like a lot of fun, Captain, but, uh, unfortunately, Chris Monsanto doesn't do things halfway. If you're gonna hook me up with a coffee bean, there's no way I'm keeping my tea leaf. Sue! [leaves]

Captain:
Huh?

Brett Mobley:
Yeah, I'm probably gonna be tied up with work stuff for a while. [referring to his spit]

Susie Wagner:
No. It's always me.

Captain:
Congrats, young lady. You just earned yourself a bonus.

Susie Wagner:
Money bonus?

Captain:
Oh, no. I was referring to the bonus genitals you'll be sprouting.

Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 25 days ago

Security Guy:
Excuse me, you'll have to go through the checkpoint. Sir? Ma'am?

Hermaphrodite:
I'm sorry, but I see a male queue and a female queue. I happen to be neither. So, if I were to be patted down by either a male or a female, it would be a violation of my constitutional rights.

Security Guy:
Okay. You can go through.

Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 25 days ago

[Old Blind Willie gets killed by a harmonica from Chris]

Old Blind Willie:
Oh, sh*t.

[then Old Blind Willie turns into a Complete Blue Box DVD Set]

Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 25 days ago

Chris Monsanto:
[talks about Old Blind Willie] I'll take care of this old fake with extreme prejudice. Not the racial kind, sweetheart, okay?

Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 26 days ago

Old Blind Willie:
[singing] My woman done gone and left me, she done run herself away, my dog done got himself eaten, by a larger dog today. I got the blues.

Brett Mobley:
What is this trash? I wish I was blind in my ears.

Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 26 days ago

Chris Monsanto:
Hey, guys, what are you doing here?

Susie Wagner:
We've been looking all over for you. Someone's planning on detonating a dirty bomb on Grand Square --

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, who cares? Old Blind Willie's about to start performing, and this old-timey-blues douchebag crowd isn't buying any barbecue pork poppers.

Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 26 days ago

Deke:
If it pleases you, uh, the Growlers and myself would be honored to set this house-a-rockin' tonight.

The King of the Blues:
I'm afraid that's not possible, Edekial -- Not tonight, not ever. Which reminds me... [pulls up his gun getting ready to shoot himself]

Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 26 days ago

[Chris and Deke & The Growlers head to the Blues House]

Deke:
This is sacred ground, lads. Feast your eyes.

Greg:
Bruce Willis' harmonica.

Rocco:
Jim Belushi's Brother's sunglasses. A-bow-wow.

Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 26 days ago

[Brett and Susie still finding Chris]

Susie Wagner:
He never came back to the bar. Where else would someone go bluesin'?

Brett Mobley:
Smurf Village? Hopefully not the south side, though. It's filled with sm...Smurfrican Americans.

Susie Wagner:
...

Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 26 days ago

Rocco:
[repeated line] A-bow-wow.

Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 26 days ago

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, geez. I must've fallen asleep and had one of my traditional day terrors.

Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 26 days ago

Brett Mobley:
Then the zookeeper comes by, and he says, "Sir, you can't stand in the gorilla cage -- Unless you win the big dance competition, that is". Then I won! The end. What do you think?

Susie Wagner:
Well, a novel's usually longer and written down.

Brett Mobley:
I didn't ask for notes.

Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 26 days ago

Susie Wagner:
[to Chris] You're just stressed out. All you do is work. Maybe you need a hobby. I do yoga and go grocery shopping.

Brett Mobley:
I raise puppies -- From the dead.

Chris Monsanto:
[sighs] Guys, I appreciate it, but I know how to relax, you know? I don't just kill perps all day. Sometimes after work, I'll swing by the cemetery and piss on their graves.

Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 26 days ago

[Chris cuts one of Stem-Cell Theif #1's arms with a circular saw]

Brett Mobley:
YEAH, CHRIS!

[Chris cuts out the other one of Stem-Cell Theif #1's arms]

Brett Mobley:
Okay, Chris. All done. [said it happily]

Chris Monsanto:
You're right, Brett. We should be heading out, but first, I'll beheading this guy.

[Chris cuts off Stem Cell Thief's head]

Chris Monsanto:
Now, who's the brains of this operation? [still cutting]

Susie Wagner:
CHRIS, STOP! [to Stem-Cell Thief #2] I am so sorry about your friend.

Chris Monsanto:
[grabs Stem-Cell #1's brain] I hope you're kosher for bash-over. [bashing the thief's brain with his fist]

Brett Mobley:
Ugh. Too soon.

Chris Monsanto:
[cackling]

Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 26 days ago

Chris Monsanto:
Well, well, well. Stem-cell thieves.

Susie Wagner:
The lowest of the low.

Brett Mobley:
The people version of dogsh*t.

Stem-Cell Thief #2:
Okay, we surrend--

Chris Monsanto:
Certainly won't go quietly. I didn't think so. [punches Stem-Cell Thief #2]

Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 26 days ago

[after the organ case was solved, Captain opens up a package and sees a note]

Chris Monsanto:
[narrating] "Dear Captain, after we took down Silly Sammy, we returned all the organs to their rightful owners, but there was still one body part unaccounted for. If you happen to find it, take it for a spin around the block for us, would ya"?

[as Captain opens up the package some more, he found something special]

Captain:
A party dink. Irene, I'd like to see you...in our bedroom. [smiles afterwards]

Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 26 days ago

Captain:
A great job on the case, gang. Thanks to your lifelong alcoholism and your decrepit lady parts, we were able to bust up the entire ring.

Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 26 days ago

Chris Monsanto:
One whiskey-soaked liver and one set of ovaries filled with nothing but pure oxygen.

[Chris throws the soaked liver and the pure-oxygen ovaries to Silly Sammy who's smoking crystal meth, exploding him to death]

Brett Mobley:
Tomorrow's episode of Silly Sammy is gonna be weird.

Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 26 days ago

Chris Monsanto's Dad:
Chris, come on downstairs. I just pissed all over your Hanukkah presents.

Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 26 days ago

[before Silly Sammy were about to blow Chris and the gang's heads off with a shotgun]

Chris Monsanto:
Uh, Silly Sammy, wait a second. You know, we're not here to kill you. Um, we're here to help you make money.

Mr. Sampson Hidler (Silly Sammy):
I'm listening.

Chris Monsanto:
Well, you need organs, right? Well, we're U.S. Marshals. We kill people all day. We're lousy with organs.

Mr. Sampson Hidler (Silly Sammy):
You'll give me your dead people's organs?

Chris Monsanto:
All of them.

Mr. Sampson Hidler (Silly Sammy):
[puts the shotgun away] You just said the magic word..."Organs". You got yourselves a deal.

Chris Monsanto:
Great.

Mr. Sampson Hidler (Silly Sammy):
How about a little celebratory crystal meth.

Chris Monsanto:
Uh, sure. Well, that sounds good. Uh, just one question. Uh, do you mind if we get our own personal organs back?

Mr. Sampson Hidler (Silly Sammy):
Yeah, yeah. No problem. But I got to warn ya, I don't got a lot of meth, and I smoke it really fast, so...

Chris Monsanto:
I'm sure you do.

Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 26 days ago

[Brett discovers the terrible truth about Silly Sammy]

Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen, your host for the evening, Mr. Sampson Hidler.

Brett Mobley:
Sampson?

Mr. Sampson Hidler (Silly Sammy):
Friends, I present to you the finest black-market organs that money can buy.

Brett Mobley:
Sammy, no.

Mr. Sampson Hidler (Silly Sammy):
Have you ever noticed that everything fun is bad for you? Well, not anymore it isn't. Finally, you can drink all night and swap out your liver in the morning. You can do all the cocaine you want with your very own blow nose.

Brett Mobley:
Sammy, don't.

Mr. Sampson Hidler:
Crystal meth is bad for your lungs. That's why you don't have to use your lungs. [referring to the stolen lungs]

Brett Mobley:
Don't.

Mr. Sampson Hidler (Silly Sammy):
And it isn't cheating on your wife if you strap on our patented...party dink.

Brett Mobley:
Sammy, doooon't.

Mr. Sampson Hidler (Silly Sammy):
Out first item up for auction tonight is a mint-condition male stomach.

[as Mr. Sampson Hidler shows more black market items, Brett notices the guy who's bringing out the mint-condition male stomach is Tommy Tumbles himself]

Brett Mobley:
Tommy Tumbles. He's not sick.

Mouth on Tommy Tumbles' Forehead:
Time to grow up, Brett.

Brett Mobley:
YOU LIED TO ME!

[then Brett tackles Tommy Tumbles for ruining his whole childhood]

Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 26 days ago

Silly Sammy:
Here's what you need to do to save Tommy. [singing] Oh, first you take a scalpel and then you take a pen, make a lateral incision across the abdomen. You locate all the organs -- Kidneys, heart, and spleen, use some bacitracin to keep them nice and clean. Oh, you clamp off the arteries and pop the goodies out, a snip here, a snip there, that's what it's all about! Put them in the icebox before they get all clammy...

[Brett flashback ends]

Brett Mobley:
[singing] And now it's time to send them off to good old Silly Sammy. [laughs]

Susie Wagner:
[tired] You memorized the whole song?

Brett Mobley:
Yeah. He sings it every show.

Chris Monsanto:
Well, I guess we got to get down there to that Silly Sammy's studio and give that clown a pie in the face. And by "pie", I mean a hollow-point bullet. And by "face" -- Well, actually, "face" kind of works there, doesn't it?

Brett Mobley:
[happily] Let me get this straight. I'm gonna get to kill Silly Sammy in person?!

Chris Monsanto:
Well, Brett, we'll see, okay? We'll see.

Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 26 days ago

[the next day, Chris and Susie got their organs stolen]

Chris Monsanto:
Oh, they got me. Okay, they got my kidneys and great, the liver.

Susie Wagner:
Oh, they got my liver, too. And my ovaries.

Chris Monsanto:
Eh, big loss. I bet those empty egg cartons were filled with pure oxygen. They probably floated off on their own.

Chris Monsanto:
Brett.

Brett Mobley:
What?

Chris Monsanto:
Brett. Did you take our organs?

Brett Mobley:
You mean the ones you stole from Tommy Tumbles?

Chris Monsanto:
Okay, what?

Brett Mobley:
Oh, yeah. I found out all about it last night from Silly Sammy. I couldn't get to sleep after that duck got all in my head, so I went downstairs to hang out with my new best pals, who just happened to be watching my favorite late-night kids show, Sammy with Silly Sammy.

Silly Sammy:
Hey, kids. Are the grown-ups sleeping? Good, because there's something I want to tell you about, and it's not easy. It's about my good friend, Tommy Tumbles. Tommy's not well. And you know why?

Silly Sammy:
Because your parents stole his organs. They stole the precious insides from this tender tumbler lying here tonight.

Silly Sammy:
How you doing, T?

Tommy Tumbles:
[weakly] I'm tired, Sammy, but I'm hanging on. I got to get up. I got to make the kids smile.

Silly Sammy:
No. Just lie down. Just rest, my friend. You'll be okay.

Silly Sammy:
[to the viewers] He won't be okay.

Eagleheart  Movie Quote

added 26 days ago

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