Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #51

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 5,977 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Uncle Gabby:
I decided the worst thing about Captain's Daughter is how boring she is.

Drinky Crow:
Really?

Uncle Gabby:
What makes her boredom so specially awful is the way she talks with the intonation of someone saying something really interesting, which forces you to listen, so every moment is excruciating torture. That's the biggest reason I hate her.

Drinky Crow:
Then why are you marrying her?

Uncle Gabby:
She'll be legally required to have sex with me. If she doesn't, she can go to jail. Or get the electric chair. [happily sighs] Then I'd be free.

The Drinky Crow Show  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

Uncle Gabby:
[drunk] Screw it, Crow. Even when I had a God to forgive me, I still felt bad.

Drinky Crow:
[drunk] Gabby, you still feel guilty because your God has no moral authority. Look at him.

[sees Fritz God looking at Captain's Daughter God flossing her teeth]

Drinky Crow:
You need a God with a clear sense of right and wrong.

Uncle Gabby:
You're right. Monkey God! Stop being just a big version of me! From now on I want honest feedback on how I'm doing!

Drinky Crow:
YEAH!

[Drinky Crow and Uncle Gabby then became slaves and getting hit by hot steaming rocks]

Drinky Crow God:
SINNERS! FILTHY DEGENERATES!

Fritz God:
We judge you and find you ABOMINATIONS IN OUR SIGHT!

Uncle Gabby:
[to Drinky Crow] You know something? You really are an idiot.

Drinky Crow:
I know, I know.

The Drinky Crow Show  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

[shows the next scene where Tony ends up in a hospital]

Captain's Daughter:
Can he hear me?

Doctor:
It's hard to say. His brain experienced extensive trauma in the crash. Your husband may be dead, dead, dead, or he could be experiencing a rich fantasy life of sailing ships and monkeys.

Captain's Daughter:
So there's no way to tell?

Doctor:
There is a test, the chromium brainological assay, but it's quite expensive. What line of work was your husband in?

Captain's Daughter:
He's a cartoonist.

Doctor:
I see. The plug's over there.

The Drinky Crow Show  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

Booze God:
I am Booze God! Who will make me drunk? [sobbing]

The Drinky Crow Show  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

[Fritz God took Uncle Gabby to another universe for a fun surprise]

Fritz God:
Welcome to Dirtgirladonia! Look at those dirty girls!

[shows a bunch of Captain's Daughter people]

Uncle Gabby:
Nice.

[50 billion years later, and UG was not feeling it already]

Fritz God:
What? You don't like my universe?

Uncle Gabby:
Sorry.

[cuts to the next scene in real time]

Uncle Gabby:
I had to stay for 80 billion years!

Drinky Crow:
You were just gone for five minutes.

Uncle Gabby:
He took me outside of the space-time continuum.

Drinky Crow:
Oh. Right.

Uncle Gabby:
I felt bad cause I was worried I'd hurt his feelings and I felt bad about those 50 billion girls created with gingivitis for my pleasure!

The Drinky Crow Show  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

[after UG pushed Fritz into the volcano, Fritz finally become a God]

Fritz God:
Look at me, Gabby! I turned into a real God! Like you always wanted! I even created the universe!

Drinky Crow:
How? You just walked out of that volcano.

Fritz God:
Like this. [warps reality outside the system] Monkey God stands outside of responsible for the explanatory nexus. Because he is outside of time, he is able to create all of our linear time stream from the big bang to cosmic dissolution in a single act of super monkey will.

The Drinky Crow Show  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

[Uncle Gabby sees the rules sign of how to become a God]

Uncle Gabby:
I had an ice-cream maker that worked kind of like this.

The Drinky Crow Show  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

Captain Maak:
BEHOLD! THE WELL OF THE GODS! A source of such great power that I have taken the precaution of tying myself up so I will not be tempted to misuse it.

[Drinky Crow, Uncle Gabby, and Fritz went ahead to go to the Well of the Gods]

Captain Maak:
Come back! You must stay here and prevent my escape!

The Drinky Crow Show  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

Uncle Gabby:
I've still got the guilt. Even though monkey god absolved me. And I might have an eye infection. Does this look okay?

[Drinky sees white maggots playing volleyball inside his eyehole]

Drinky Crow:
It's fine.

Drinky Crow:
He's just a guy, Gabby. He doesn't have the power to protect us from our entirely justified self-loathing.

The Drinky Crow Show  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

[after Uncle Gabby got stabbed in eye for peeking Captain's Daughter]

Captain's Daughter:
You know Gabby, when I think of how you were down there peeking at me I get kind of turned on!

Uncle Gabby:
That's great! Wanna do it?

Captain's Daughter:
Not with that gross eye. I'm gonna get an appointment with one of those molesting dentists!

[cuts to the next scene in the dentist room]

Molesting Dentist:
[on phone] Molesting Dentist.

Captain's Daughter:
Hi, do you take insurance?

Molesting Dentist:
No, I do not.

The Drinky Crow Show  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

Uncle Gabby:
Drinky Crow, I bet you want to worship Fritz too now.

Drinky Crow:
Nah.

Uncle Gabby:
C'mon. You can.

Drinky Crow:
No really, I'm fine.

Uncle Gabby:
Give me one reason why not.

Drinky Crow:
I don't want to criticize your religion, Gabby.

Uncle Gabby:
You don't want to 'cause you can't!

Drinky Crow:
No, I don't want to.

Uncle Gabby:
You know Fritz is God but you're too stubborn to admit it!

Drinky Crow:
That's not it.

Uncle Gabby:
Somebody's defensive!

Drinky Crow:
Fine. First I'm not into girls who don't bathe so your whole religion is kinda not happening for me. But even if I liked that stuff he's not a God. He's just a very large monkey you bought off the internet.

Uncle Gabby:
The back of my soap opera magazine and stop bagging on my faith!

Drinky Crow:
I'm sorry! The point is he doesn't have any special god powers or anything.

Uncle Gabby:
OH REALLY?! SHOW THIS DISGUSTING GODLESS PATHETIC STUPID ATHEIST HEATHEN, FRITZ!

[Fritz does amazing cup stacking tricks]

Uncle Gabby:
[smug laugh] Not so quick with a snappy godless reply are you now, Crow?

Drinky Crow:
[not amused]

The Drinky Crow Show  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

[Uncle Gabby and Fritz takes a peek of Captain's Daughter clipping her nails]

Uncle Gabby:
Ah, yeah. You take a whack at little hoof, you tart. And your gums are even more inflamed than usual.

Fritz:
Perhaps, some Monkey God rubbed her floss with his feces.

[Uncle Gabby and Fritz high fived for that one]

The Drinky Crow Show  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

Uncle Gabby:
I thought about what you said about god and guilt, Drinky Crow, and I found a solution.

[UG opens the crate and brings out a different monkey]

Uncle Gabby:
His name is Fritz and my religion is worshipping him! WOO WOO! MONKEY GOD'S GREAT! WOO WOO! MONKEY GOD'S GREAT!

Fritz:
Oh, thanks, thanks. You're embarrassing me!

Uncle Gabby:
Oh, great god! What do you think about how I let Drinky Crow herniate himself with the two-man cannon so I could peep out Captain's Daughter being a dirty, filthy girl with her gums?

Fritz:
I think...fantastic! In fact, let's peep her out some more right now!

Uncle Gabby:
Thanks! My guilt is gone!

The Drinky Crow Show  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

[Captain Maak writes another note for Mutumbo]

Captain Maak:
My dear Mutumbo. The wonders indicating that we approach the phenomenon known as the Well of the Gods are rampant. The sea has turned a magnificent white. And last night the bosun netted a catch of the most unusual fish.

[Captain Maak eats a sperm looking fish]

Captain Maak:
The taste is oddly familiar. We must be approaching victory!

The Drinky Crow Show  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

[after getting drunk from feeling guilty of Uncle Gabby not helping with Drinky in the fight between crocodiles]

Uncle Gabby:
I don't think I can get out of my guilt through drinking anymore, Drinky. I need somebody to take it away for me.

Drinky Crow:
You sound like A.A. They believe in trusting a higher power.

Uncle Gabby:
Great, let's do that!

Drinky Crow:
I can't cause it's not true. Scientists have taught us there is no God or higher power controlling the universe. Instead the planets are dragged across the sky by giant magnets.

Uncle Gabby:
Huh. Don't you think you'd feel better if you believed some higher power was moving the magnets?

Drinky Crow:
Sure. I don't deserve to feel better because I'm full of sin.

Uncle Gabby:
How can you still believe in sin if you don't believe in God?

Drinky Crow:
I hold onto the stuff that appeals to me.

The Drinky Crow Show  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

Uncle Gabby:
What else is weird is when I remember how my action caused your injury I get this weird bad feeling.

Drinky Crow:
That's called guilt, Uncle Gabby. I have it all the time.

Uncle Gabby:
Some...bird thing?

Drinky Crow:
No, everybody has it. How did you feel when you went out to get pizza and let the Holocaust happen?

Uncle Gabby:
FULL! This is gonna be a real problem, Crow. I've caught this weird avian brain flu from hanging out with you that's gonna make me feel bad when something bad happens to somebody else.

Drinky Crow:
That you cause.

Uncle Gabby:
Whatever. It's gonna take a total bite out of my fun-having possibilities.

The Drinky Crow Show  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

[after Drinky Crow shoots the crocodiles with the cannon from the battle last afternoon]

Drinky Crow:
You left me with the two-man cannon! And I'm one man! Where were you?

Uncle Gabby:
I had to peep out Captain's Daughter flossing. You're okay, right?

Drinky Crow:
These eight feet of intestine are supposed to be inside me.

Uncle Gabby:
So that's what inguinal hernia looks like.

The Drinky Crow Show  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

Captain Maak:
[writes a note] My dear Mutombo. For years I have scoured the seven seas searching for the mysterious well of the Gods. Is it a legend? A dream? A lie? A mistranslation? A mishapprehension? A mistake? Or could it be as true and real as the flesh and blood crabs within my beard?

[close up to Captain Maak's beard where the tiny crabs are eating his skin]

Captain Maak:
I thrill at the notion of the great power soon to fall in my hands. So important is it that its location remain a secret from our enemies that I am writing this letter in the vignere cipher...and will destroy it without sending it to you.

[after Captain Maak finishes his note, he then smokes a joint with it as a cigar and ate it]

Captain Maak:
Mutumbo, my dear chum, if anybody knew I was even searching for it, the consequences would be dire indeed!

The Drinky Crow Show  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

Uncle Gabby:
Let me ask you something, Drinky Crow, and this time I want you to be totally honest. Does this look okay?

[UG shows his body that his Syphilis eats one of UG's bone ribs]

Syphilis:
To life!

The Drinky Crow Show  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

[Drinky Crow and Uncle Gabby managed to drinks the booze to save themselves from drowning]

Uncle Gabby:
We're saved!

Drinky Crow:
This calls for a cigar!

Uncle Gabby:
My doctor says I shouldn't, but what the -- [explodes]

The Drinky Crow Show  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

[Drinky Crow opens up a hole to their submarine and sees Cognac above Vronchy's ship]

Drinky Crow:
Cognac! The french must be trying to run our fortified wine embargo! That french girl used you to find out the exact location of our blockade!

Uncle Gabby:
Interesting. Eh. The submarine seems to be filling with cognac.

Drinky Crow:
Hmm...a lovely bouquet. Caramel, teak wood, [sniffs] and the distinct notes of turpentine.

Uncle Gabby:
So drink it already! If you don't, we'll die!

Drinky Crow:
I can't! I promised Phoebe I'd quit drinking!

Uncle Gabby:
I-I thought I found love. Plans change.

Drinky Crow:
But quitting was so very hard. I committed brain-icide!

Uncle Gabby:
Drinky Crow. If you don't drink now, we'll drown in booze. I'll never see Pittsburgh!

The Drinky Crow Show  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

Lieutenant Vronchy:
Well done, Mademoiselle Deoursay. Thanks to you, we know the precise location of the enemy scow! [kisses her] Eugh! You taste like monkey.

The Drinky Crow Show  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

Captain Maak:
You wish to see me, Mr. Crow?

Drinky Crow:
Yes, Captain Maak. I've decided to become a hero.

Captain Maak:
Drinky Crow, if you do. You will forever blot out the memory of your drunken crimes.

Drinky Crow:
I'm okay with that.

Captain Maak:
Then report to the deck first thing tomorrow. [sniffs] And be sure to wash up first -- You smell like the inside of the first mate's rectum.

The Drinky Crow Show  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

Uncle Gabby:
Come on, Drinky Crow. This is stupid. You belong in the garbage juice with me.

The Drinky Crow Show  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

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