Jock:
Lassie! Lassie!
Trusty:
Oh, Miss Lady, ma'am! Miss Lady!
Jock:
Ah, good mornin', lassie. 'Tis a bonny, braw, bright day, uh, today.
Trusty:
Why, Miss Lady, is, uh, somethin' wrong?
Jock:
Aye, tell us, lassie. If somebody's been mistreatin' ya-
Lady:
Oh, no, Jock. It's something I've done, I guess.
Jock:
You?
Lady:
It must be. Jim Dear and Darling are acting so strange.
Trusty:
[to Lady] Jim Dear and Darling?
Jock:
[to Trusty] Hush, man! [to Lady] Now, lassie, get on with the details.
Lady:
Well, I first noticed it the other day when Jim Dear came home.
[in a flashback, Lady barks at Jim Dear]
Jim Dear:
[shooing Lady] Down, Lady, down! [walks past Lady] Darling? Darling, are you alright?
Darling:
Of course I am. Why shouldn't I be?
[Lady runs into the backyard, and through the dog door in the back]
Jim Dear:
I just can't help worrying. After all, in your condition, alone here all day, and walking that dog.
[Lady stops running, and is shocked. Flashback over.]
Jock:
[stunned] "That dog"?!
Trusty:
"That dog"?
Lady:
[laying down] He's never called me that before.
Jock:
Well now, lassie, I wouldn't-a worry my we head a bit about that. Remember: They're only humans, after all.
Trusty:
That's right, Miss Lady. As my Grandpappy, Ol' Reliable, used to say, um-- Don't recollect if I've ever mentioned Ol' Reliable before?
Jock:
Aye, ya have, laddie, frequently.
Trusty:
[dejected] Oh, yeah.
Lady:
But now Darling is-- Well, we've always enjoyed our afternoon together. But yesterday--
[flashback to the previous day; Darling is sitting in a rocking chair knitting and Lady has gotten a leash and wants to go for a walk]
Darling:
[after Lady begs for a walk] No, Lady. No walk today. [Lady gets her ball and wants to play fetch, but Darling picks up the ball] No, Lady. Not now. [Darling's yarn ball falls off her lap, and Lady grabs it] Lady. [Lady starts growling with yarn ball in her mouth] Drop that, Lady! [Lady runs with yarn ball, but Darling smacks her] Drop it, I say!
[flashback ends]
Lady:
It didn't hurt, really But Darling has never stuck me...before.
Jock:
[he and Trusty look at each other, and smile] Now, lassie dinnae take it too seriously. After all, at a time like this, there's--
Trusty:
Why, yes. You see, Miss Lady, there comes a time in the life of all humans when, uh-- Well, as they put it, uh, the Birds and the Bees? Or, well, uh, the stork? You know? No? Well, then, uh--
Jock:
What he's trying to say, lassie, is Darling is expecting a wee-bairn.
Lady:
"Bairn"?
Trusty:
He means a baby, Miss Lady.
Lady:
Oh. What's a baby?
Jock:
Well, they, they resemble humans.
Trusty:
But I'd say a mite smaller.
Jock:
Aye, and they walk on all fours.
Trusty:
And, if I remember correctly, they beller a lot.
Jock:
Aye, and they're very expensive. You will not be permitted to play with.
Trusty:
But they're mighty sweet.
Jock:
And very, very soft.
Tramp:
Just a cute little bundle... of trouble. Yeah, they scratch, pinch, pull ears-- Aw, but shucks, any dog can take that. It's what they do to your happy home. Move it over, will ya, friend? Homewreckers. That's what they are.
Jock:
Look here, laddie! Who are you to barge in?!
Tramp:
The voice of experience, buster. Heh-heh. Boy, just wait 'til Junior gets here. You feel the urge for a nice, comfortable scratch, and... [imitates female voice] "Put that dog out! He'll get fleas all over the baby!" [normal voice] You start barking at some strange mutt. [barks] [imitates female voice] "Stop that racket, you'll wake the baby!" [normal voice] And then-- Then they hit you in the room and board department. Oh, remember those nice, juicy cuts of beef? Forget 'em. Leftover baby food. And that nice, warm bed by the fire? [chuckles] A leaky dog house.
Lady:
[worried] Oh, dear.
Jock:
Dinnae listen, lassie! No human is that cruel!
Trusty:
Of course not, Miss Lady. Why, everybody knows a dog's best friend is his human.
Tramp:
[laughing] Oh, come on now, fellas! Oh, you haven't fallen for that old line now, have you?
Jock:
Aye, and we've no need for mongrels and their r-r-radical ideas. Off with ya now! Off with ya! Off with ya!
Tramp:
Okay, Sandy.
Jock:
The name's Jock!
Tramp:
Okay, Jock.
Jock:
Heather Lad of Glencairn, to you!
Tramp:
Okay, okay, okay! But remember this, Pigeon: A human heart has only so much room for love and affection. When a baby moves in, the dog moves out.
