The Xtacles

A.L.E.X.:
Warning. Proximity alert.

Jack Taggart:
Brace for impact! Here comes the glory.

Joseph Bigsby:
Permission to be scared, sir.

Jack Taggart:
Permission denied.

Joseph Bigsby:
Alright.

Chase Fontaine:
How many more mountains are we going to crash into today?

Joseph Bigsby:
Only three more.

Chase Fontaine:
Ok, well that's not so bad.

Joseph Bigsby:
Then the ship explodes.

Chase Fontaine:
Well, then change course, you douchebag.

Jack Taggart:
Hey! Nobody's doing anything until we get new orders.

Chase Fontaine:
New whats

Jack Taggart:
Orders, from our beloved leader, Awesome-X.

Chase Fontaine:
Dude! That guy is in outer space. It's all over the news. Besides, he hasn't been here in like a year.

Jack Taggart:
Awesome-X is our leader, and until we get new orders, we will follow his old orders.

Joseph Bigsby:
But, what were his old orders?

Jack Taggart:
To *wait* for more orders.

Joseph Bigsby:
Oh...yeah. [pauses for a couple seconds]

Jack Taggart:
Also, brace for impact.

Mr. Ford:
Uh...hey, y'all know you're headed into another mountain right?

Joseph Bigsby:
No. [chuckles] Touchy subject, Mr. Ford.

Mr. Ford:
Well then would you mind giving my car a jump? I want to get the f*** out of here!

[Stan reads a story to the preschool kids]

Evil President Stan:
But the goat couldn't find the train. Can you find the train in this picture? Oh, come on! It's right here.

[Evil President Stan gets a message from an agent]

Preschool Girl:
What's wrong, Mr. President?

Evil President Stan:
Someone is destroying the Rocky Mountains.

Evil President Stan:
Most likely with dirtified nuclear bombs.

Preschool Girl:
Are we going to die?

Evil President Stan:
Some of you. The lucky ones. The rest will likely become irradiated zombie monsters. You'll indiscriminately eat the brains of the people you once called friends and family.

Preschool Kids:
[crying]

Evil President Stan:
STOP YOUR SOBBING. We're distributing cyanide caplets, take them at your leisure. They've been made into fun shapes like dinosaurs and rainbows.

Mr. Ford:
Hurry up robot. I gots to go.

Xtacle #1:
Alright I think we're ready. Let's uh...

Mr. Ford:
I got a date!

Xtacle #1:
Ok. Is, uh...that what you're going to wear?

Mr. Ford:
Yeah, why?

Xtacle #1:
It just seems a little casual.

Mr. Ford:
F*** you, robot! This is all I got to wear because you jerks crashed into my damn house!

Xtacle #1:
Ok.

Mr. Ford:
And that's why I'm living rent free in the reactor room on Deck 25.

Xtacle #1:
You know what, you look fine. Alright Bigsby, let's give it a little gas.

Joseph Bigsby:
A lot?

Mr. Ford:
Yeah, yeah.

Xtacle #1:
What?

Joseph Bigsby:
Okay!

[as Joseph Bigsby gives Mr. Ford's car a lot of gas, Mr. Ford's car engine explode making the Xtacle getting blown away]

Mr. Ford:
Y'all a bunch of crazies. [on phone] Hello? Yeah I need a tow rocket, or maybe a blimp. Blimp! Blimp, ya dumbass. Y'all got one of them?

Mr. Ford:
I don't know where I am. [chuckles] Uh, let me see. There's some sky...and a mountain.

[sees the ship crashing to another mountain again as always]

Mr. Ford:
Make that a busted-ass mountain.

Chase Fontaine:
Hey Bigs, since we're all gonna die, me and the guys are gonna have some beers on the deck. You know, Bon Jovi Friday.

Ed & Xtacle #2:
Bon Jovi Friday!

Ed:
We're gonna rock it!

Xtacle #2:
We're so doin that.

Joseph Bigsby:
Well, wait, but today's Thursday.

Chase Fontaine:
No, no, no. You don't understand. When you have Friday off from work, and you just f*** around all day Thursday, you know what that is? That is a Bon Jovi Friday!!

Xtacle #2:
Bon Jovi Friday!

Joseph Bigsby:
Oh, hey, we have tomorrow off?

Chase Fontaine:
Dude. One more crash, we're all gonna die. Yeah, we have tomorrow off.

Joseph Bigsby:
Aw, but what about Jack? He'll never let us party. Not when we're this close to dying.

Jack Taggart:
Come fourth mountain and claim my brains, and forever I will be stained upon your peak. And 1,000 years from now, martians will see the stains and know -- There lies liberty.

Joseph Bigsby:
[to Chase] See what I'm talkin' about.

Chase Fontaine:
No, no, no. Don't worry, I've got a plan for Jack. Activate the hologram.

Joseph Bigsby:
Oh, you mean like--

Chase Fontaine:
Why is there a jelly sandwich jammed in here?

Joseph Bigsby:
Because that's the Sandwich Warmer.

Chase Fontaine:
No. That's the optical drive for the ship's hologram.

Joseph Bigsby:
All I know is that he keeps the sandwich very warm.

Xtacle #2:
Oh, yeah. We should get paninis.

Ed:
Yeah!

Chase Fontaine:
Bon Jovi would disapprove of your attitude right now.

Ed:
Oh, no!

Chase Fontaine:
And Bon Jovi's speaking for everybody.

Ed:
You can't argue with JBJ.

Xtacle #2:
Okay. Better idea. Let's stick our penises in there.

Ed:
Ooh, I love paninis!

Chase Fontaine:
[to Ed] Dude, you are my least favorite Xtacle.

A.L.E.X.:
Good morning, Xtacles. I'm A.L.E.X., your ship's automated help program. How may I assist you, today?

Chase Fontaine:
Okay, here's the situation. Jack is being a dick and he's gonna fly us into a mountain.

A.L.E.X.:
Oh, dear. We've got to convince him to change course.

Chase Fontaine:
You know what, do whatever you want. We just want you to distract him so we can have a party.

Ed:
YEAH! PARTY BOOSH!

Chase Fontaine:
[to Ed] And you are uninvited.

Ed:
[groans] Sad boosh.

Evil President Stan:
What do we have to go on?

General:
Other than a bunch of broken mountains, absolutely nothing.

Evil President Stan:
Then it was obviously a terrorist attacking us. Get me Mechaconstable.

General:
Sorry, sir. He's been salvaged for parts.

Evil President Stan:
What about the Future Champions?

General:
Uh, still stranded in the past.

Evil President Stan:
So...there's nobody else we can get?

General:
Uh, well, we could, uh, call The Xtacles.

Evil President Stan:
Are you joking? It's 11:00am, they're drunk already.

Chase Fontaine:
If we keep drinking like this, we're gonna need a Meatloaf Monday.

Joseph Bigsby:
Like the singer, right?

Chase Fontaine:
No! No, god! I just mean we're gonna have to eat a lot of meatloaf to SOAK UP ALL THIS ALCOHOL! Why-Why you have to be such a buzzkill?

Xtacle #2:
Yeah, man.

Chase Fontaine:
It's so frustrating from you when you guys don't know how to party.

Xtacle #2:
[laughs at Chase] You're awesome, man.

Ed:
Hey, guys! Happy Bon Jovi Friday everyone! I've been meaning to ask you guys, how'd you get your helmets off?

Chase Fontaine:
Uh, with the release valve?

[as Chase presses Ed's release valve, its revealed that Ed happens to have grown long hair and a beard]

Chase Fontaine:
Holy [bleep], sambora! Have you never taken off your helmet?

Ed:
I didn't know how, okay! Like you're all geniuses.

Chase Fontaine:
[laughs] What is with this gu-u-y?

Joseph Bigsby:
But how do you even eat?

Ed:
You know, uh, these suits recycle our feces and urine.

[everyone was silenced]

Chase Fontaine:
...No. They don't.

Ed:
Oh, no.

[the rest of the Xtacles steps back from Ed]

Mr. Ford:
Whoa! Mr. Ford is back in action, b*tches!

[as Mr. Ford start his new car engine, he accidentally burns Ed]

Ed:
AAAAAAH! FIRE!

Xtacle #2:
Tryna put him out! Get a fire extinguisher so we can put him out!

Chase Fontaine:
Actually, you know what? Let's wait a minute because maybe he'll burn some of the stink off.

Ed:
YOU NEVER THINK THIS IS GONNA HAPPEN TO YOU, BUT IT'S HAPPENING! OH, MY GOD!

Chase Fontaine:
Oh, god no. It's getting worse. Put it out.

Jack Taggart:
Orders are orders. My hands are tied.

A.L.E.X.:
But they're terrible orders. That's how Awesome-X has ever given you.

Jack Taggart:
I don't buy that. I don't buy that for one minute.

A.L.E.X.:
Oh, okay. Like the time he ordered you to fight those ogres, then a bunch of you got captured by the ogres and your bones got ground up into ogre bread. Then the rest of you ate the ogre bread, but you didn't realize it was made out of Xtacle bones.

Jack Taggart:
Yeah, it sucked. And I sent the bread back because I found bones in it. And, oh, my god, the ogres reacted horribly, however, it does not change the fact that I do not have the authority to change the orders.

A.L.E.X.:
But you do. According to the Xtacle charter, in the event that Awesome-X dies, or goes to space or has [inhales deeply] sexed to death while in space, all previous orders are nullified.

Jack Taggart:
So what you're saying is if I don't disobey orders then I'm still disobeying orders?

A.L.E.X.:
Exactly. Now, why don't we plot a course around the mountain.

Jack Taggart:
No. That mountain's been asking for it. We're gonna punch it in its f***ing face.

Evil President Stan:
Terrorists are systematically destroying the Rocky Mountains.

Jack Taggart:
America's favorite mountain range. Good. And for what?

A.L.E.X.:
Yeah, I think that might've been us.

Jack Taggart:
Not now, Alex. The humans are talking.

Evil President Stan:
Sadly, you're the only *heroes* available to stop them.

Jack Taggart:
That's probably not the worst of it, sir. The rockies are a notorious training ground for...the Yeti.

Evil President Stan:
Are you seriously suggesting that these are Yeti terrorists?

Jack Taggart:
It's possible. The fact I'm now completely convinced it's true.

Evil President Stan:
This might've been a mistake.

[suddenly Ed shows up while screaming after getting flamed from Mr. Ford's car engine]

Jack Taggart:
IT'S THE YETI! ATTACK!

A.L.E.X.:
NO!

[Jack shoots Ed]

A.L.E.X.:
That's Ed! He works here! He'd...worked...here.

Jack Taggart:
I didn't know Ed was a yeti. Did we know that when we hired him? I want some answers, damn it!

Evil President Stan:
If it hadn't been with my own eyes, I never would've believed it.

A.L.E.X.:
Yeah, that's because is completely unbelievable.

Evil President Stan:
And you didn't hesitate to kill your own men. That's the kind of ruthlessness and lack of ethics America needs in his heroes.

Jack Taggart:
It needed to be done, sir. Plus it felt really good.

Evil President Stan:
It always does. [end call]

Jack Taggart:
Our first mission accomplished in what, 8 seconds? I call that a complete success.

A.L.E.X.:
I think I might disagree.

Father Yeti:
You must avenged our people, my son. [coughs] You must destroyed The Xtacles. [dies]

Son Yeti:
Father! NOOOOO--

[then Son Yeti gets hit by a car from Mr. Ford]

Mr. Ford's Wife:
Oh, my god! What was that?!

Mr. Ford:
Must hit a ice skunk or somethin'.

Mr. Ford's Wife:
Oh, we should stop and help it.

Mr. Ford:
Woman, are you crazy? This is my one good shirt.

Evil President Stan:
Today is a great day for me, and therefore by default, also a great day for americans.

Reporter Woman:
Is it true that you spent 200 million of the tax payers' dollars to build this statue?

Evil President Stan:
Why that's ridiculous as the rumor my press secretary and his aides feed on human flesh!

Stan Clones:
Hurumph! Hurumph! Hurumph!

Reporter Woman:
Hi, guys.

Evil President Stan:
Ladies and gentlemen...I give the Stanument!

[as the workers reveals the Stanument]

Evil President Stan:
Oh my god! My ass!

[then the Stanument falls down hurting the reporter woman and Stan clones]

Evil President Stan:
SOMEONE HAS DESECRATED MY STATUE!

General:
In the ass.

Evil President Stan:
YES, IN THE ASS. I CAN SEE THAT!

General:
Imagine if that had been your real ass, the sheer brutality of it.

Evil President Stan:
I want whoever did this to pay! Get me Mechaconstable.

General:
Uh sir, about that, his firmware got bricked when I tried to install some, uh, third party programs.

Evil President Stan:
What! Why can't you ever be happy with factory settings?

General:
Cause I'm not a lame-ass noob. Sir.

Evil President Stan:
Fine, get me those damned Xtacles.

Jack Taggart:
Get this statue covered up. The President's ass has suffered enough humiliation.

Jack Taggart:
Chase, round up any eye witnesses. I want this defilement erased from their memories.

Chase Fontaine:
I'm on it.

[Chase grabs a civilian]

Civilian:
Wait, I know who did it...

[Chase head smashes the civilian]

Chase Fontaine:
Hey, what about you, eyeballs? What did you see?

Black Guy:
Not a damn thing.

Jack Taggart:
What kind of sick bastard would rape a cast bronze statue?

Joseph Bigsby:
I've run some numbers, sir. According to math, a man's junk could never have done this kind of damage.

Jack Taggart:
What then? I want some answers, damn it!

Joseph Bigsby:
A gorilla, sir. A gorilla's junk would be big enough.

Jack Taggart:
Some sort of raping gorilla? GOOD LORD! IT MUST HAVE BEEN RAPE APE!

A.L.E.X.:
Jack. [tired chuckle] I've got no record of villain named Rape Ape.

Jack Taggart:
Of course there's a Rape Ape. He's that guy who is going around raping these statues. Just put that in the file, access it, and read it back to me.

A.L.E.X.:
Ok, uh...here it is.

Jack Taggart:
Well, what does it say?

A.L.E.X.:
"Rape Ape -- That guy who is going around raping these statues".

Jack Taggart:
Case closed!

Chase Fontaine:
Boosh!

Xtacle #3:
Good job.

Xtacle #4:
That was easy.

A.L.E.X.:
No, Jack! Case not closed.

Jack Taggart:
What?

A.L.E.X.:
If Rape Ape existed, which to reiterate -- He doesn't, you'd still have to catch him.

Jack Taggart:
Ok fine, then what about this guy below Rape Ape.

A.L.E.X.:
Rapier Ape?

Jack Taggart:
Yeah and look at his name, Rapier Ape. He's obviously taken raping to a whole new level.

A.L.E.X.:
Rapier Ape is retired --

Joseph Bigsby:
Oh, my god! Tell me there isn't a Rapi-est ape!

Chase Fontaine:
Oh, my god!

A.L.E.X.:
Rapier Ape is retired, and he's called that because he wields a rapier.

Joseph Bigsby:
He...wields another rapist?

A.L.E.X.:
No, a rapier. It's a sword used in fencing.

Chase Fontaine:
That is just sick! He rapes people with a sword?!

Xtacle #4:
Man, that's gross.

Xtacle #3:
That is sick.

Joseph Bigsby:
Gosh, I'd rather be raped with a penis.

Jack Taggart:
[to Joseph] And you just may get your wish.

Joseph Bigsby:
Wait.

Jack Taggart:
[to A.L.E.X.] Where is he now?

Joseph Bigsby:
No. It's not a wish.

A.L.E.X.:
God. Rapier Ape, retried from his life of crime, is currently employed at the theme restaurant, Funbeard's

Xtacle #5:
Ooh, Funbeards!

A.L.E.X.:
He makes use of his swashbuckling as one of their dinner theater actors.

Jack Taggart:
Alright people, this is serious. We've got hostages.

A.L.E.X.:
Those are tourists.

Jack Taggart:
A heavily fortified pirate ship...

A.L.E.X.:
That's actually a retrofitted sizzler.

Jack Taggart:
And an ape who is even rapier than Rape Ape.

A.L.E.X.:
Is my volume even on?

Rapier Ape:
I shall plunge my sword deep into my heart...of artichokes. You can also use lamb. I love banana peppers for taste and color. But obviously, use whatever you can scrounge out of the dumpster.

[Joseph Bigsby sees a newspaper of Rapier Ape]

Joseph Bigsby:
Well this is crazy.

Mr. Ford:
Huh?

Joseph Bigsby:
Well, there's another ape with a sword. Only this guy volunteers at a homeless shelter. Why can't our ape with a sword be like that guy?

Mr. Ford:
That's nature vs nature for ya.

Joseph Bigsby:
Well, I say nature.

Mr. Ford:
Well, I say f*** you.

[Joseph Bigsby sees a car with Rapier Ape inside]

Joseph Bigsby:
Hold up. Silver Celica, that's out guy. [pulls up a telescope] It looks like he's got a change of clothes. [gasps] He must be planning some kind of overnight raping. Look, he's luring that lady inside to get raped!

Mr. Ford:
You gonna do som'n or what?

Joseph Bigsby:
HEY! LADY! DON'T GO IN THERE! YOU'RE GONNA GET RAPED!

Jessica:
Huh?

Joseph Bigsby:
YOU!

Jessica:
Me?

Joseph Bigsby:
YEAH, YOU! YOU'RE GONNA GET RAPED!

Jessica:
Oh my goodness.

Joseph Bigsby:
WITH A SWORD!

Rapier Ape:
Do you wish me to call the police, Miss Jessica.

Joseph Bigsby:
YOU'RE GONNA GET RAAAAAAAPED!

Jessica:
Let's just get inside!

Rapier Ape:
Post haste!

Joseph Bigsby:
You're gonna get raped!

[Rapier Ape and Jessica already went inside]

Joseph Bigsby:
Damn it! We lost her. She's as good as raped.

Mr. Ford:
Don't blame yourself, you did everything you could...from inside this car.

Joseph Bigsby:
Oh, hey. I think our table is ready.

Mr. Ford:
'Bout damn time.

[Sculptor creates a small statue of Stan being a naked spartan]

Evil President Stan:
I asked for this statue to be 100% breakproof and this is what you gave me? Look at what I'm wearing! I practically want it.

General:
It looks ridiculous.

Sculptor:
Well, I could sculpt you seated, in a stately recline.

Evil President Stan:
So I can look lazy like that p*ssy Lincoln? Forget it.

General:
Hey, hey, now take it easy on that, Mr. Lincoln.

Evil President Stan:
Would you shut up.

Sculptor:
This is hopeless.

Evil President Stan:
Just take all my vague and contradictory directions and turn them into something the world has never seen before. What's so hard about that?

Chase Fontaine:
Hey, baby. All I'm sayin' is you're hot. I'm obviously hot. When are we gonna get together and have some double hot sex?

A.L.E.X.:
Chase, I'm programmed to look like this.

Chase Fontaine:
Yeah? Well, baby I'm programmed to be turned on by you.

A.L.E.X.:
It doesn't even matter what I look like.

Chase Fontaine:
[laughs] it matters.

A.L.E.X.:
Really? [changes its face to Chase's face] How about now?

Chase Fontaine:
Oh, my god. You've been reading my jackoff fantasy blog.

[Jack Taggart arrives]

Jack Taggart:
Chase, what's are sta-- Oh, my god. Two Chases. One of you will have to be destroyed. [pulls up his gun]

Chase Fontaine:
Wait, wait, wait!

A.L.E.X.:
Wait! Wait! [goes back to its original face]

Chase Fontaine:
[groans]

A.L.E.X.:
Sorry, sir. I was trying to prove a point.

Jack Taggart:
Don't ever do that again. If we have to have a damn hologram on this ship, you're definitely not gonna look like some -- Dude.

A.L.E.X.:
Ugh. But it doesn't even matter what I look like.

Xtacles:
OH, IT MATTERS!

Chase Fontaine:
Besides that's what fat chicks say. [sexually] And you're not fat.

Jack Taggart:
Any words from Recon Squad?

Chase Fontaine:
No, sir. They missed their last check in.

Jack Taggart:
My god. They've been compromised!

Xtacles:
[gasps]

A.L.E.X.:
Guys, come on, now. Let's not attempt any murderous conclusions.

Jack Taggart:
This is it boys -- Commence Operation: Murderous Conclusions.

Mr. Ford:
40 bucks for a plastic sword?! That ain't right.

Joseph Bigsby:
It's a cutlass.

Mr. Ford:
I've been in 8 car crashes. One was with a cutlass, and let me tell ya, it's a terrible car to crash into.

Joseph Bigsby:
No, a cutlass.

Mr. Ford:
Just don't do it.

Joseph Bigsby:
It's a sword used in swashbuckling.

Mr. Ford:
What you talking about?

Joseph Bigsby:
That's what it says on the label.

Mr. Ford:
It should say that a cutlass is built like a damn tank. Now an MG, that's a car you *wanna* crash into.

Mr. Ford:
Because it's a tiny car for tiny british peoples.

Pirate Leader:
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Funbeard's! You there, ready the rum-colored liquid and man the t-shirt cannons!

[a pirate henchman fires t-shirt with a cannon onto the girl's face, hardly]

Pirate Leader:
We shall christen this voyage with a song!

Pirates:
[singing] We know a pirate who plunders for fun, serving you liquid colored like rum. Slashes at boredom, skewers the humdrum. Bring the kid to Funbeards!

Pirate Leader:
[singing] I'm gonna stab a smile on your face, sink my hook in your tender place. Pillage your butthole --

Parrot:
[singing] What a disgrace.

Pirates:
[singing] LOOKOUT!

Pirate Leader:
Here comes Funbeard!

[shows a woman who's half-naked while wrapped around in some white cloth]

Pirates:
[singing] Way-hey, escape to Funbeards. Way-hey, get raped at Funbeards.

Mr. Ford:
Damn. I didn't know pirates sand so much...and so poorly.

Joseph Bigsby:
I was hoping there'd be more dancing.

Pirate Leader:
Let us see if your feet dance as swiftly as your sword!

Joseph Bigsby:
YARRR!!!

Mr. Ford:
Uh-huh, yar...whatever.

[as the pirate play kept on going, the Xtacles arrived]

Xtacle #6:
BOOSH!

Woman:
It's those raping robots!

Pirate Actor:
But you guys aren't suppose to be up here.

Xtacle #7:
F U, dickbeard!

[Xtacle #7 kicked the pirate actor]

Pirate Actor:
Aah, my face!

[one of the pirates fires a t-shirt cannon to an Xtacle]

Xtacle #8:
IT'S TOO SMAAAALL!

Chase Fontaine:
[to Pirate Leader] Eat lasers, you scurvy b*tches!

Pirate Leader:
Wait, don't! Don't! [out of character] I have a wife and kids, man.

[Chase shoots Pirate Leader]

Chase Fontaine:
Save it for the judge.

Parrot:
[squawks] I like you.

Jack Taggart:
So, Rapier Ape. We meet again.

Rapier Ape:
I don't even know who you people are!

Jack Taggart:
Surrender now or die.

Rapier Ape:
I surrender, that's a no-brainer.

Jack Taggart:
Too late!

[Jack punches Rapier Ape's stomach]

Rapier Ape:
Please, you don't understand!

Jack Taggart:
These fists do all the understanding I need, and guess what -- They get it.

[Jack finishes off Rapier Ape with his last punch]

Police Officer:
Hi! We got a report from a man threatening to rape someone?

Jack Taggart:
Just in time, officers. This statue-raping piece of garbage was about to confess.

[Rapier Ape spits out one of his teeth after getting punched]

Rapier Ape:
[bruised] There they go. [spits] There they go.

Police Officer:
Sounds guilty to me.

Chase Fontaine:
He'll be going to prison for a long time. Where he'll never be able to rape again.

Parrot:
[squawks] Its a living.

Jack Taggart:
Rapier Ape. Consider yourself retired!

Rapier Ape:
I AM RETIRED!

Jack Taggart:
Xtacle style. [punches Rapier Ape]

Chase Fontaine:
Anti-rape boosh.

Police Officer:
Hey, uh, you mind if I get a couple in there?

Jack Taggart:
Sure. Many and Moe here could use a little break. [talking about his fists]

Police Officer:
Nice.

Rapier Ape:
No, please.

Police Officer:
[punches Rapier Ape several times] TAKE IT! TAKE IT! TAKE IT!

Camera Reporter Man:
Smile for me, Rapier Ape! I'm gonna put you in the papers! [takes a photo] You sick son of a b*tch.

Joseph Bigsby:
This show doesn't make any sense. Where did all those other pirates get laser guns from?

Mr. Ford:
You mean the Xtacles?

Joseph Bigsby:
Those are the Xtacles? Geez. I gotta go! [leaves]

Mr. Ford:
Good thing I got drunk for this. [drinks from his binoculars]

Evil President Stan:
Ladies and gentlemen. It is now safe to unveil my new Stanument, which I've been assured is 100% rape-proof.

General:
In the ass.

Evil President Stan:
Yes I know!

[as Stan grabs the sheet out of the away, the statue then revealed to be Stan riding a horse on the back while his mouth been brutally raped leaving a big hole on it]

Evil President Stan:
Oh, for f***ing sake!

Rape Ape:
What? Look what he's wearing, he practically wanted it.

[as Jack commands the Xtacles to blow up another mountain, one of the Xtacles gets crushed by mountain parts]

Joseph Bigsby:
OH, NO! Why is this happening? Nature hates us!

A.L.E.X.:
Well done, sir. Why don't you go celebrate with your friends?

Jack Taggart:
Friends? A leader can't afford to have friends.

A.L.E.X.:
Of course, you can't.

Jack Taggart:
What do you know about friendship, you're a damn hologram.

A.L.E.X.:
Well, that's hurtful.

Jack Taggart:
You're probably friends with a broken toaster or a point and shoot camera. Am I right? is that how you roll?

A.L.E.X.:
Yeah, those things don't talk.