Rick and Morty, Season 1

Rick:
[first lines] Morty! You gotta come on. Jus'... you gotta come with me.

Rick:
[shoots portal] There she is. Alright, c'mon, Morty, let's go.

Morty:
Oh jeez, okay. [...] Woah, Rick! What is this place?

Rick:
It's Dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of— TREE, Morty! Called the Mega tree! And there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega seeds, th—ther—they're incredibly powerful and I need 'em to h[burps]-elp me with my research, Morty.

Morty:
Oh man, Rick! I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing!

Rick:
All right, all right, calm down. Listen to me, Morty. I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're lookin' around, and it's all scary and different, but y'know... m-meeting them head-on, charging into 'em like a bull—that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations, I deal with them all the time. Now if you just stick with me, Morty, [a horrific alien monstrosity approaches behind] we're gonna be— HOLY CRAP, MORTY, RUN!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, MORTY, RUN!! I-I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT THING BEFORE IN MY LIFE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HELL IT IS!! WE-WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE, MORTY, IT'S GONNA KILL US!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE, MORTY!!!

Morty:
Holy cow, Rick! I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter!

Rick:
Full disclosure, Morty—it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Megaseeds dissolving in your rectal cavity.

Morty:
Aw, man!

Rick:
Yeah. And once those seeds weahh-wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills and... you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Morty. [checks arm watches] Starting ruh-ight about now.

Morty:
Ohh, man! Ohh, ohhh geez!! Ohh... [falls down]

Rick:
I'm sorry, Morty. It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad and I have to give 'em up just to get your parents off my back! So now we're gonna have to go get more! And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Morty! And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Morty! Because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Morty! But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Morty, and you're gonna be part of 'em! And together we're gonna run around, Morty, we're gonna- do all of kinds of wonderful things, Morty. Just you and me, Morty.

Morty:
[gurgling] No, no, no....

Rick:
The outside world is our enemy, Morty! We're the only fehh-friends we got, Morty! It's just Rick and Morty! Ruh-ick and Morty and their adventures, Morty! Rick and Morty forever and forever, 100 years, Rick and Morty's things! Me and Rick and Morty running around and... Rick and Morty time! All day long, forever... all- a hundred days! Rick and Morty forever a hundred times! Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. rickandmorty.com. rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. [closing garage door inside] 100timesrickandmorty.com.

Rick:
Boy, you're really gonna flip your lid over this one.

Morty:
Oh, w-wh... what is it?

Rick:
It's a device, Morty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Morty. It's just like that movie you keep crowing about!

Morty:
You're talking about Inception?

Rick:
That's right, Morty! This is gonna be a lot like that, except, y'know, it's gonna me-beh... make sense.

Morty:
Inception made sense!

Rick:
You don't have to try and impress me, Morty! Listen: tonight, we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we-we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Morty. That way you can... you know, y-you're gonna help me with my science, Morty, all the time.

Morty:
Geez, Rick. In the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework?

Rick:
Are you listening to me, Morty?! Homework is stupid! The whole point is to get less of it!

Snuffles:
Where are my testicles, Summer? [long beat] Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?

Summer:
Oh, wow... That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.

Snuffles:
Do not call me that! [smashes mirror behind him; Summer screams] "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball, because my fur is pretty and white.

Summer:
Okay... Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me.

Snowball:
[walks on her bed] Scaring you? Tell me, Summer. If a human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund?

Summer:
Uhhh... [Jerry and Beth come in]

Jerry:
Hey... [Beth gasps] Oh, wow... Okay, is-is-is everything okay in here?

Snowball:
Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again?

Jerry:
No! No, we were... uh, just seeing if Summer wanted to... uh...

Beth:
Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks!

Summer:
Yeah! Totally! Let's go.

[another dog on a robot machine blocks the exit from Beth, Jerry and Summer]

Snowball:
You will walk when it is time to walk.

Poncho:
[throttles Morty] Who are you?! Answer me! Where'd you come from?!

Morty:
My-my-my grandpa Rick sent me!

Bloom:
Poncho! That's quite enough. [Poncho drops him down] Morty, that's Poncho. This is Roger and Annie. [closeup on Annie]

Morty:
Whoa...

Bloom:
And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom.

Morty:
Uh— [a miniature speaker pops out of the neck of his helmet]

Rick:
[via speaker] "Hey, Bloom, it's Rick. What the hell's going on here?"

Bloom:
I don't know why, but the entire security system has shut down, and I'm afraid... the exhibits are unlocked.

Morty:
Exhibits? [the group walk out of the Haunted Liver]

Bloom:
Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas.

Rick:
"Watch it!"

Bloom:
It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases.

Morty:
Diseases?! [ominous growling is heard]

Poncho:
Hey, Doc... I got news for ya! [a gigantic hideous monstrosity looms the area] Your living museum is officially a wild safari! [starts shooting at it]

Roger:
Hepatitis A! Run!!

[Morty spots something out of Poncho's backpack]

Morty:
Poncho? What is this in your backpack? [Poncho turns back, Bloom sees it]

Bloom:
That's bubonic plague! What are you doing with that, Poncho? [Poncho takes Annie hostage]

Poncho:
Everybody get back!!

Bloom:
Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me?

Poncho:
That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder—Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, shriners, balding men that work out, people on the Internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers. Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday bonus-giving mother— [a screaming Morty jumps on him] Come on! [pushes Morty down on the ground; starts laughing when his bacterium bite his shoulder] Ahh! Get off!

[Poncho falls off the platform screaming down below. Soon after, the sphincter dam starts spewing]

Annie:
You guys!

Roger:
It's gonna burst!! Go!! Go, go, go!! [Morty, Annie and Bloom run to emergency exit; Roger pulls lever but traps his foot] My foot is stuck!

Annie:
No!!

Roger:
It's okay! It's okay, just go! Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can go— [gets washed into excrement; shuts door]

Annie:
No!! [embraces Morty]

[Rick and Morty are running naked around town in an alien simulation chamber]

Morty:
Rick! [Rick pushes clothes in sewer]

Rick:
Uhp-uhp-uhp! Morty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Morty. Do you really think this wuh-world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look, that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs.

Morty:
I dunno, Rick, I mean, I've seen people do that before.

Rick:
Well, look at that old lady. She's-she's walking a cat on a leash.

Morty:
Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick.

Rick:
Look, I-I-I don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Morty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. Wh-what about that, Morty? [see an anthropomorphic Pop-Tart leaving his toaster home on his toaster car]

Morty:
Okay, okay, you got me on that one.

Rick:
Oh, really, Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before?

Morty:
No, no, I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a Pop-Tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, th-that would be like the scariest place for them to live. Y'know what I mean?

Rick:
You're missing the point, Morty. Why would he drive a smaller toaster with whsdkeels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No.

Morty:
So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want?

Rick:
Well, that would be obvious to you, Morty, if you'd been paying attention.

[an ambulance drives past Rick and Morty and stops; open back doors]

Paramedic:
We got the President of the United States in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! [Rick shuts doors]

Morty:
Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class.

Rick:
Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else. These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets, but they made a big mistake this time, Morty. They dragged you into this. Now they're gonna pay!

Morty:
What do you— w-w-what are we gonna do?

Rick:
We're gonna scam the scammers, Morty. And we're gonna take 'em for everything they've got.

Jerry:
Wow! What the hell?! What happened back there?!

Rick:
Why don't you ask the smartest people in the universe, Jerry? Oh yeah, you can't. They blew up.

[Rick starts humming "Baker Street"]

Rick:
[holding up the device and smiling] Y-You know, these demonic alien spirits are really valuable! [Morty vomits as Rick glances at him and puts the box away] You okay, Morty? Told you not to trust that tuna.

Morty:
I just killed my family! I don’t care what they were!

Rick:
I dunno, Morty. Some people would pay top dollar for that kinda breakthrough.

Morty:
Y'know what, Rick?! That's it! I'm done with these i-insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out!

Rick:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, Morty! Do-don't-don't be like that! The universe is a crazy, chaotic place!

Morty:
You're the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun!

Rick:
Oh yeah, Morty, yeah, re— Yeah, th-that's real easy to say from the sidekick position, but-but, uhh... how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll... talk about how simple and fun it is?

Morty:
Seriously, Rick? Y-Y-You'll let me... call the shots?

Rick:
Okay, yeah, fine! But let's make it interesting, Morty. I-I-I-If your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month.

Morty:
Okay. All right, tough guy. But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure.

Rick:
Every tenth.

Morty:
Deal. All right, w-well, come on! Let's get going! [Beth comes in]

Beth:
Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again.

Rick:
Washing dishes?

Beth:
No! The opposite. Can you fix it? [Summer comes in]

Summer:
Grandpa Rick! Can you help me with my science homework?

Rick:
Yeah, d— Just don't do it.

Summer:
Grandpa! [Jerry comes in]

Jerry:
Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar?

Rick:
Wow, hat trick. All right, Morty, let's put a pin in this, I gotta help your pathetic family.

Morty:
Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say! Bahhk-bahk-bahk-bahk!

Rick:
Oh, Morty, y-you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you ding-dongs... [rummages box and holds a cube] this is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this— [a blue man poofs out of nowhere]

Mr. Meeseeks:
I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

Rick:
You make a request— Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar.

Mr. Meeseeks:
Yessiree!

Rick:
—the Meeseeks fulfils the request... [Meeseeks opens jar]

Mr. Meeseeks:
All done!

Jerry:
Wow!

Rick:
—and then it stops existing. [Meeseeks poofs away]

Summer:
Oh, my God! He exploded!

Rick:
Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out. Just... eh-keep your requests simple. They're not gahh-ods.

Morty:
All right, g-get outta here now! Everybody outta here! I got a bet to win!

[after Summer, Beth, and Jerry leave, Morty closes the door]

Giant 1:
Hey look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think "Hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him and murder him?!"

Morty:
Th-th— But that's not how it went down!

Giant 2:
Oh well, it's going down like that. You're both going down like that.

Rick:
Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. Reehh-al straightforward and fun.

Jerry:
Meh, try not to worry about it, Morty. You're a good kid. And there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape.

Morty:
You're missing the point, Dad... I don't want girls. I want Jessica!

Jerry:
Ah, well... I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom". And that's not an urban diss—your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought...

Rick:
[opens cupboard] "I should get her pregnant, then she'll have to marry me."

Jerry:
I beg your pardon, Rick. Inappropriate.

Rick:
[rummages freezer and fridge] Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Morty. His marriage is hanging from a thread.

Jerry:
My marriage is FINE, thank you.

Rick:
Jerry, it's your house. Whatever you say it is how it is, but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care and even I noticed.

Morty:
C'mon, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that!

Rick:
Listen, Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it. Your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above. Focus on science.

Rick:
Alright, Morty, I just gotta erhp combine it with some of your DNA.

Morty:
Oh well, okay. [unzips]

Rick:
A hair, Morty. I need one of your hairs. This isn't Game of Thrones. [pluck]

Morty:
Ow!!

Rick:
I know you're not gonna believe this because it usually never happens, but I made a mistake!

[In an alternate reality, Rick blows himself and Morty up after Morty hands him a screwdriver. The "main" Rick and Morty then portal in to find their corpses and innards all over the garage]

Rick:
All right, Morty, here we are.

Morty:
[horrified] OH MY GOD, RICK! IS THAT US?! W-W-W-WE'RE DEAD! WHAT IS GOING ON, RICK?! I'M FREAKING OUT...!

Rick:
[grabbing and shaking him] Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty!

Morty:
I CAN'T TAKE IT! NO...!

Rick:
You gotta calm-- Calm yourself, Morty...!

Morty:
I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS...!

Rick:
Morty! Calm down, Morty...!

Morty:
THIS CAN'T BE REAL..!

Rick:
Morty! You gotta calm down, Morty!

Morty:
WE'RE RIPPED APART...!

Rick:
Will you listen to me, Morty...?!

Morty:
W-W-W-W--!

Rick:
[smacks him] SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME! It's fine! Everything is fine! There's an infinite number of realities, Morty, and in a few dozen of those, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one of those realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality, and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Morty. Now help me with these bodies.

Morty:
This is insane!

Rick:
[lifting his alternate self's body] Look, Morty, I'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, tha-th-th-that seems fair to me I mean, that seems like a fair way to divvy it up.

Morty:
Rick! What about the reality we left behind?!

Rick:
What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Morty? The answer is, don't think about it. It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more of these, tops. Now pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste. [drags his body away, then comes back] I-I-I don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, if I hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so... again, you're welcome.

[at a pawn shop on a small planetoid]

Rick:
Look, I'm not paying 70 (erh) smidgens for a (ERHH) broken defraculator.

Pawnbroker:
That is multiphase quantum resonator.

Rick:
Well, does it defraculate?

Pawnbroker:
Fuck, no.

Rick:
Then- then- then it's a broken defraculator.

Pawnbroker:
Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks!!

Rick:
Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what, I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart.

Morty:
Hey uh, Rick, um... y-you think maybe I could get something from this place? L-l-like a souvenir? L-like just to have—like something cool, y'know?

Rick:
Not here, Morty, we'll stop somewhere else, because you know, there's always another pawn shop.

Morty:
Oh okay, I just, um... Y'know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, y'know?

Rick:
Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it?

Morty:
Yeah, y'know! I mean, it's different from the stuff on Earth. A-a-a-and y'know, y-you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy and- y'know, I don't really have anything to- to remember all those trips by. It'd be kinda cool, like a souvenir. Y'know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn't even have anything to remember... all the cool stuff we did, y'know?

Rick:
Okay. 60 (erhp) for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot.

[Morty sees Morty Jr. turned into monster in the living room]

Morty:
Morty Jr.! Smoking?! That is not okay!

Morty Jr.:
What are you gonna do, ground me?! I can't go outside anyway!

Morty:
So what?! Y-Y-You could do things inside! Y-You could play guitar, you could masturbate!

Morty Jr.:
I don't wanna masturbate! I wanna conquer the planet!

Morty:
Oh, here we go again! Y-Y'know, who do you think is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Morty Jr.?!

Morty Jr.:
Love... that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?!

Morty:
All right, that's it! No more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only!

Morty Jr.:
I hate video games!!

Morty:
You take that back!! [they fight over the remote] Give it to me!! [pushes Morty Jr.] I-I-I-I— I didn't mean— I didn't mean that! I didn't mean to do that! I'm sorry!

Morty Jr.:
[runs to the door] I can't take this anymore!! I'd rather breathe poison than live another minute with you!!

Morty:
No! No, no, no! Stop!!

[Morty Jr. nudges Morty back and walks out of the house. He takes a deep breath and holds it in; he pauses for a beat]

Morty Jr.:
My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! [runs into the street] Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date, it was a pagan holiday!

Summer:
[uses alternate reality goggles] Ooh, we're not playing Yahtzee, we're playing Chutes and Ladders! It seems like when I exist, life gets a little more, I don't know... predictable?

Beth:
When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals.

Jerry:
Gimme a break! We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night. [uses goggles]

Beth:
Oh, I get it. Now that you know you could have had it better, you resent me for holding you back.

Jerry:
Well, now that we know you think the tables are turning, we know you thought there were unturned tables!

Beth:
[scoffs] What are you talking about?

Jerry:
All this time, you've been thinking, "What if that loser Jerry hadn't talked me out of the abortion?" Well, now you know, you'd be a doctor. Whoop-dee-doo. You'd also be drinking wine, alone in a house full of exotic birds. And I'd be on DiCaprio's yacht, banging Kristen Stewart!

[Morty walks in on Summer, packing a bag and preparing to run away]

Morty:
Hey, uh…y-you doing okay? [she glares at him] I-I kinda know how you feel, Summer—

Summer:
No, you don't. You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents' misery, you're just a symptom of it.

Morty:
Can I show you something?

Summer:
Morty, no offence, but a drawing of me you made when you were eight isn't gonna make me feel like less of an accident!

Morty:
[points outside] THAT, out there? That's my grave.

Summer:
[understandably confused] Wait, what?

Morty:
On one of our adventures, Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world. So we bailed on that reality and we came to this one. Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed. And in this one, we were dead. So we came here, a-an-an-and we buried ourselves and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast twenty yards away from my own rotting corpse!

Summer:
[deeply shocked] So…you're not my brother?

Morty:
I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "Don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. [beat] …Come watch TV?

Butter Robot:
What is my purpose?

Rick:
You pass butter.

Butter Robot:
[looks down at itself for a moment] Oh my god...

Rick:
Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

Rick:
Hey, Morty, lemme-- [burps] lemme-- [burps again] lemme ask you a question real quick: does evil exist, and if so, can one detect and measure it?

Morty:
Um...

Rick:
Rhetorical question, Morty. The answer is yes, you just have to be a genius. [scans the microscope from Mr. Needful; an "IQ" bar on the laptop drops to nearly 0] Cute. Your sister’s boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded.

Morty:
Ooh! Oh boy, Rick. I don’t think you’re allowed to say that word, you know?

Rick:
Uh, Morty, I’m not disparaging the differently-abled. I’m stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded.

Morty:
Okay, yeah, but I don’t think it's about logic, Rick. I-I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that feel like they're doing the right thing.

Rick:
Well, that's retarded.

Rick:
Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers, but fucks with you in unforeseeable ways? Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus"! I-I use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers! This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He would've had to run until he died, making them worthless! I've removed the curse, making them worth, like, I don't know, $8 million? See you at the Olympics. This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family. Now it does their taxes.

Doll:
Everything's deductible.

Rick:
Don't pay for cool stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money. You know, like how every store in the world works?

Rick:
Oh, look, it’s Rosemary’s Baby! How's business?

Summer:
Here’s the last of our inventory. We’re going to file chapter 11 and do some restructuring.

Rick:
Sounds like code for "You win, Rick!"

Summer:
That was important to you, wasn’t it?

Rick:
Nope, it was important to your dumb devil friend. To me, this was all just a bit, like when Bugs Bunny fucks with the opera singer for twenty minutes.

Jerry:
Morty, I'm not as smart as your Grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again.

Morty:
Hey, Dad? Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my dad. You're a genius at that.

Jerry:
Wow, that's humbling and flattering, son. Thank you. What's say we finish ourselves an 8-planet solar system?

Morty:
Um... [holds up the butter robot in a sandwich baggie] I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an A.

Butter Robot:
Butter.

Jerry:
But—

Morty:
You're a genius at being my dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead. [Jerry begins to shut the door] And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm fourteen! I got a computer in here, you know?

Jerry:
Oh, I, uh... I think I understa—

Morty:
You know, you're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man.

Jerry:
I get it. Say no more.

Morty:
I mean one of these days, you know, you're gonna—you're gonna—you're gonna end up seeing something.

Jerry:
I got it! Noted! Good night!

Morty:
Geez, Rick, wh-what is this place?

Rick:
The Citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks.

Morty:
Council of Ricks?

Rick:
As you know, Morty, I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat. Galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. Wh-wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa. And a lot of versions of me on different timelines had the same problem. So a few thousand versions of me had the [yells] INGENIOUS IDEA OF BANDING TOGETHER like a herd of cattle or a school of fish, or... those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers.

Morty:
Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me!

Rick:
Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Morty. This place is a real who's who of who's you and me.

Rick Seller 1:
Turn your boring, old Morty into a... hot fashion statement... with some Morty dazzlers!

Rick Seller 2:
Hey, check this out! [presses Morty doll]

Morty Doll:
Show me the Morty!

Rick:
Dumb.

Rick Insurer:
Excuse me, sir, is your Morty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured—

Rick:
Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.

Rick Officer:
Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick.

Rick:
Hey, save your Rick rules for the uuueh sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig.

Rick Officer:
(Bleep) me, pal.

Rick:
"(Bleep) you"? No, no, no, no, no, (Bleep) ME!

Riq IV:
Earth Rick C-137! The Council of Ricks sentences you to the Machine of Unspeakable Doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp! Also, every ten seconds, it stabs your balls.

Morty:
You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "Gee, that kinda devalues our bond." But then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines.

Rick:
Yeah, it's gotta be that way. You're a camouflage.

Morty:
Camouflage? Wh-wh-what are you talking about, Rick?

Rick:
Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brainwave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brainwaves that make ours invisible. [picks his pen] See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, [writes diagram] the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ahe-hem... Morty waves.

Morty:
Um... because... our personalities are so different?

Morty:
Uh, Rick, what exactly is "squanching"?

Rick:
Morty, listen -- we've had a lot of really cool adventures over the last year, but it's time to relax.

Morty:
Yeah, if I relax now, there might not even be any more adventures!

Rick:
Jesus, Morty, you're bumming me out. Can't we just pretend like everything's fine for a few hours, enjoy ourselves, and then worry about all this later?

Morty:
Yeah, that's easy for you to say, Rick. You know, you like not caring about stuff. You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me?

[Time slows down as Jessica dreamily walks into the living room, swinging/swishing or whipping her hair. People are seen watching her in awe, and a beer bottle is seen being thrown past her.]

Morty:
[In slow motion] Jessica.

[Time goes back to normal.]

Rick:
Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

[A person/alien wearing yellow clothes and is holding magical wands with clocks on the ends is seen stirring up time with his magic.]

Slow Mobius:
Ha ha! Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro!

[Jessica walks into a different room.]

Morty:
I can't believe she's here.

Rick:
Well, what are you doing standing here, Morty? Go. Talk to her. [He shoves Morty away. Morty follows Jessica.]

Rick:
Tonight, the only adventure you're on is your cusping manhood.

[Abradolf Lincler smashes a hole in the wall]

Rick:
Oh, great. Who invited Abradolf Lincler?

Summer:
I thought everyone was welcome.

Rick:
It's not the same, Summer! Lincler's a crazed maniac. He's just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral super-leader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln. Turns out that ehh-it just adds up to a lame, weird... loser.

Lincler:
Rick... you brought me into this world a suffering abomination, tortured by the duality of its being, but I shall finally know peace when I WATCH THE LIFE DRAIN FROM YOUR WRETCHED BODY!! [accidentally nudges at Brad]

Brad:
Whoa! What's up, man?

Lincler:
I have no quarrel with you, boy.

Brad:
Boy? What's that supposed to mean?

Lincler:
It's just— L-Look, I-I-I don't know you thought I mean it, but... [shrugs at Rick]

Rick:
Don't look at me, dude.

Lincler:
Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so...

Brad:
So... I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?!

Lincler:
No, but... [strains] Y'know—

Brad:
What do I know?! That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years?!

Jessica:
Leave him alone, Brad!

Brad:
Stay outta this, Jessica!!

Rick:
KICK HIS ASS, BRAD!! [everyone starts chanting] KICK HIS ASS!! KICK HIS ASS!!

[Brad punches, kneebutts Lincler's face to a bloody pulp and brawls at him more]

Jessica:
Brad! [runs off to the front door with Morty running after her; he has Rick behind him]

Morty:
Rick!!

Rick:
[pushes him] Just did you a favor, Morty.

[when Morty accidentally teleports the house into a colorful alien dimension, everyone shouts in fear due to the impact of the house landing into the ground, everyone is silent, as the power turns back on, Rick turns to look outside the screen door, and opens it as he watches the giant aliens crawl around]

Rick:
Huh. Big star in the sky. [breathes in] Oxygen-rich atmosphere. Giant testicle monsters. [turns around, excited] We'll be fine! Let's party!

[a random guy with his t-shirt in hand swings it over his head in excitement and yells out as he runs outside, only to be grabbed by an alien and stuffed into it's hole (most likely it's genitals), everyone is silent and concerned, so Rick quickly turns on a stereo as he and the people begin to dance]

Bird Person:
Morty, do you know what wubba lubba dub dub means?

Morty:
Oh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase.

Bird Person:
It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, I am in great pain. Please help me.

Morty:
Well, I got news for ya—he's saying it ironically.

Bird Person:
No, Morty. Your grandfather is indeed in very deep pain. That is why he must numb himself.

Morty:
Come on... uh—

Bird Person:
Bird Person.

Morty:
Come on, Bird Person! Rick's not that complicated! He's just a... huge asshole!

Bird Person:
Then why do care so much if you are no longer allowed to continue on your adventures together? It appears fate has presented you with an opportunity to free yourself of Rick forever.

Morty:
Y'know what, you're right. I shouldn't even care! This is probably the best thing that could have happened to me! I'm sick of having adventures with Rick!

Bird Person:
My people have another saying. Gubba nub nub doo rah kah. It means, Whatever lets you sleep at night.