Everybody Hates Chris, Season 4

Narrator:
These weren't your everyday white kids; they were bigger, faster, and stronger. Also, they were sexier. They had sexier backs... and sexier fronts.

Narrator:
Finally, I thought my troubles were over. I wasn't gonna be the only black kid on the bus, and I wasn't gonna be the only black kid at lunch. And for a change, I wasn't gonna be the only black kid in my class.

Greg:
Want some cash?

Chris:
You kiddin' me?

Greg:
Take it, man. I can get more tomorrow.

Narrator:
Greg was like an ATM machine with acne.

Rochelle:
I do not need this, OK?! My man has two jobs!

Narrator:
Two jobs equals one finger.

Julius:
[standing on a man's car] MY BABY WANTS A JOB!

Man:
Get off of my car, fool!

Ms. Morello:
[overjoyed] Oh, my God! Chris!

Narrator:
It'd be 20 years before another woman had that reaction.

Tonya:
[to a blond woman] Did you dye your hair blond or did you dye your eyebrows black?

Mr. Thurman:
If you wanna get along with me, don't be lazy.

Narrator:
Or black.

Gloria:
Vanessa, you need to talk to that little girl! You think I don't know I got a mole?!

Narrator:
Holy moly!

Gloria:
I know I got a mole!

Narrator:
Does your mole know about your mustache?

Vanessa:
Wha-? Gloria, wait a minute!

[Gloria snaps her fingers at her]

Vanessa:
[stares at Tonya for a moment] Tonya?

Tonya:
What?...

Narrator:
While I talked my way into a job, Tonya talked her way out of one.

Vanessa:
You gotta fire Tonya.

Rochelle:
Vanessa, let me talk to her first!

Vanessa:
Rochelle, I don't have time for that. I'm losin' more customers than a Muslim rib shack.

Narrator:
Ah salaam a-lick-'em!

Vanessa:
She broke up 2 marriages, she outed her drama's uncle and she told Gloria 'bout her mole.

Rochelle:
She told Gloria about her mole?...

Narrator:
Oh lord, not the mole!

Vanessa:
Everybody knows how sensitive Gloria is about that mole.

Rochelle:
She ain't say nothing about her mustache, did she?

Vanessa:
She didn't have to.

Rochelle:
Oh...well Vanessa...!

Vanessa:
[mocking voice] Rochelle! Either you fire her, or I'm gonna have to fire you.

Narrator:
While my future was lookin' up, Tonya's was goin' down the drain.

Tonya:
So, I'm gettin' fired for bein' honest?

Narrator:
It happened to Don Imus, and it could happen to you.

Mr. Thurman:
Who the hell are you?

Chris:
I'm Chris.

Narrator:
Star of the new movie, Guess Who's Coming to Homeroom.

Narrator:
In a school that was 7% Latino, 9% black and 3% Asian, I somehow ended up in a class that was 99.9% white.

Chris:
I need to change homerooms.

Ms. Morello:
Oh, what's the problem?

Chris:
Mr. Thurman hates me.

Narrator:
Everyone does. It's in the title of the show, dummy.

Ms. Morello:
I thought you had about as much chance of working with the football team as Boy George does of joining Quiet Riot, but you did it!

Narrator:
And oddly enough, so did Boy George.

Narrator:
Because I was a guy and a good cook, I got a lot of attention.

Tasha:
Mom, why do you always have to do this?

Peaches:
Tasha, please stop talkin' to me like I'm your daughter.

Mrs. Williams:
OK, for our second group of partners, we have Sadie and Lola, Tiffany and Amber, Chris and...

Narrator:
Chris and Maria, Chris and Maria, Chris and Maria!

Mrs. Williams:
...and Angel.

Angel:
[after Chris squeezes his hand too hard] Ow!

Narrator:
I broke his androgyny bone!

Narrator:
She may not know how to work an oven, but she knows how to work me!

Narrator:
I was cool with Angel, but not with androgyny, so I asked my dad for help.

Julius:
Unless you show up wearin' makeup, heels, and a dress, nobody's gonna think you're androgynous.

Narrator:
There haven't been this many ex-cons in one place since Naomi Campbell had lunch with Amy Winehouse.

Peaches:
Malvo, do you like Jell-O?

Malvo:
Yeah, I love Jell-O.

Peaches:
I love Jell-O too!

Greg:
I'm gonna go beat up some nerds. Have fun at your bake-off!

Mr. Omar:
The lady I'm seein' likes to do things by the numbers. I was waitin' on 800. She had a special surprise for me at 800, and you ruined it!

Narrator:
The surprise was, she was a man.

Drew:
Isn't that kinda weird?

Mr. Omar:
Isn't that kinda none of your business?

Chris:
Welcome back, dude.

Greg:
Thanks.

Narrator:
After a couple weeks at Tattaglia without Greg, I tried hangin' out with a few different crowds to make myself feel better. I tried hangin' out with the losers.

Chris:
So, what do you wanna study? Math or science?

Loser #1:
Dude, why are you always studying?

Loser #2:
Yeah, you act like you're graduating tomorrow.

Loser #1:
Don't be such a downer.

Chris:
I even tried hangin' out with the break-dance crews.

Narrator:
After all was said and done, even a roomful of girls wasn't the same as having one good friend.

Chris:
Greg? What are you doing here?

Greg:
Got kicked out of the Bronx Academy, so I'm back.

Chris:
See you still have that coat.

Greg:
I've changed in ways you couldn't imagine, Chris. I've seen things. I've done things. I've tasted blood and it tastes good.

Chris:
Hi. I'm Chris.

Angel:
Hi. I'm Angel.

Narrator:
Ahn-Hel? More like, "What the hell?"

Chris:
What's up with the outfit?

Narrator:
And the makeup?

Angel:
I'm androgynous, silly.

Dr. Information:
Around 1986, a new trend emerged called androgyny. Inspired by the looks of personalities such as Boy George, Prince, Grace Jones and Attorney General Janet Reno, gender benders, as they were also called, stretched the perceptions of what it meant to be male or female.

Narrator:
During football season at Tattaglia, there was nothing more important than Homecoming Week.

Rochelle:
[to Chris] Would you go dance with yourself someplace else?!

Narrator:
Nothing like a parent's love to destroy your confidence.

Julius:
What the heck is that?

Narrator:
"Careless Whisper."

Narrator:
Man, that scene put the "azy" in "crazy."

Greg:
At the Bronx Academy, I was somebody.

Narrator:
Yeah, you were the guy who got kicked out.

Dr. Clint Huckstable:
What is this ringin' of the bells while I am eatin' this sweet potato pop?

Tonya:
I don't want you to walk me to school. Leave me alone.

Narrator:
That's how girls turned down R. Kelly.

Narrator:
While I was gonna catch Greg later, some other guys were gonna catch Greg now.

Chris:
[to Greg] If you don't get your harmonica-playin', hole-in-the-sock-wearin', woe-is-me, I-should-have-everything-easy behind up, I'm gonna smack the crack outta you!

Drew:
Morons have the highest IQ of the mentally retarded, so if something's wrong with her, you may not notice at first.

Narrator:
Like the first time you watch Bill O'Reilly.

Dr. Clint Huckstable:
Now you know what it's like to come into your home and not believe what the eyes are seein' because your daughter is boo-hooin', sheddin' the tears.

Rochelle:
Who the hell are you?

Dr. Clint Huckstable:
I am Dr. Clint Huckstable, and I am the father of the daughter sheddin' all the tears because the son of the mother from Bed-Stuy... stood her up at the Tattaglia-talia public school homecomin' dance.

Narrator:
The classes that I thought would be exciting would be boring, and the boring classes were even worse.

Narrator:
My English teacher was like a sleeping pill in a skirt.

Greg:
Dude, the movie The Invisible Man has absolutely nothing to do with the book Invisible Man. I don't know what you wrote, but whatever it is, you better not let Ms. Rivera read it.

Narrator:
Too bad I didn't write that paper in invisible ink!

Narrator:
While I was tryin' not to fail English, my parents were tryin' not to fail inspection.

Julius:
Rochelle, it just burns me up to think that we're up here workin' while Mr. Omar's downstairs in our house, chillin'. Oh, he's not that bad.

Rochelle:
"Not bad?" Julius, in one night he managed to drink all the Kool-Aid, file his toenails on my table, and keep me up half the night playin' records.

Julius:
Maybe he is a little nuisance.

Rochelle:
Yeah, like cancer.

Drew:
Is that all you watch? The Munsters?

Narrator:
Yeah, he watches The Addams Family, too.

Ms. Rivera:
Let's do it.

Narrator:
Years later, those very same words sent Mary Kay Letourneau to jail.

Narrator:
Drew went on to make a fortune sellin' sub-prime mortgages.

Narrator:
Are they mistakin' me for Marion Barry?

Narrator:
Well, once again, I learned a lesson. I learned that movies can teach you almost as much as books can, but in the process, I lost the best teacher I ever had.

Monk:
So, what made you think of this, anyway, Chris?

Chris:
Well, I remembered that Jaws was a book before a movie, so I figured they made a movie out of The Invisible Man.

Kill Moves:
I wish they'd start makin' movies into books. Popcorn gettin' expensive.

Topless Teacher:
Does anyone know what these are?

Narrator:
Reason her husband cries?

Chris:
Beaver tails?

Walter Dickerson:
I don't know why we need to learn about history, anyway. What difference does it make who won World War III? It's over. The Japanese won, and now we have Walkmans.

Narrator:
Thank God Italy won World War IV and we got pizza.

Narrator:
When Dickerson said, "My man," it was like bein' vice president.

Julius:
Anything can happen at any time. A toilet could fall outta the sky and crush you. A bus door could clamp on your neck and choke you. A poisonous lizard could escape from the zoo and bite you. You could fall off a bridge and drown, and you could trip and fall in front of a power mower and be decapitated. You could be smokin' a cigarette and blow up while siphonin' 65 cents' worth of gas, and you could eat some bad coleslaw and get diarrhea and die of dehydration. You could step in a puddle and be electrocuted by a downed wire. You could blow your nose and startle a cat with rabies...

Rochelle:
OK, OK, we get it! We can die at any time, and you're happy!

Narrator:
At school, things were gettin' ugly, but to my father, life was beautiful.

Narrator:
If you keepin' score, that's happy: zero, my mother: one.

Mr. Thurman:
Do I have black sunglasses and a piano?

Narrator:
Actually, he did.

Mr. Omar:
Don't you already have two jobs? You want another one?

Narrator:
That's like asking Amy Winehouse if she wants another drink.

Priest:
Are you Christopher?

Chris:
Yeah.

Priest:
Dickerson said you can get the Devil out of this little girl. [we see a possessed girl next to him]

Narrator:
While I had it hard, my father became a soft touch.

Risky:
Hey, I need $10 for gas.

Julius:
Regular or premium?

Risky:
Premium!

Julius:
[giving Risky some money] Here you go.

Risky:
My man! [walks off]

Vanessa:
I need to get my hairdryer fixed.

Julius:
Just buy yourself a new one. [gives Vanessa some money]

Vanessa:
Ooh! [walks off]

Monk:
I need some ammo for my bazooka.

Julius:
Anti-tank or anti-personnel?

Monk:
Anti-tank, of course.

Julius:
[giving Monk some money] Here you go.

Monk:
Thank you. [walks off]

Jerome:
Can you lemme hold some bail money?

Julius:
And get yourself a lawyer, too. [gives Jerome some money]

Policeman:
C'mon, boy. [drags Jerome away]

Jerome:
I didn't do nothin'.

Stacy:
Doc's told me so much about you.

Narrator:
He didn't tell me a thing about you.

Narrator:
When Stacy said I had to work for her, she meant it. I had to go for groceries, get her dry cleaning, and mine her coal.

Narrator:
I was happy Doc had a girlfriend. Too bad I have to kill her.

Narrator:
While I wanted less attention from my boss, Tonya wanted more attention from boys.

Chris:
If I don't have a woman by the time I'm 60...

Narrator:
I'll kill myself.

Narrator:
I was like Cupid's retarded little brother. Damn, I'm good.

Stacy:
It is the same thing over and over again, and Stacy is tired of it! Stacy is not a fool! When Stacy smells smoke, Stacy doesn't stand around and wait for the fire! Stacy is leaving!

Narrator:
Referrin' to yourself in the third person. It ain't just for athletes no more.

Doc:
Get that bottle of whisky for me.

Narrator:
At least he didn't ask me for a box of tissues.

Narrator:
While Doc was feedin' the bums, losin' Stacy was eatin' him up.

Narrator:
Stacy was back with Doc and out of the store on weekends, which was all I ever wanted. Doc said he was gettin' another cashier. Whoever it was, they'd have to be better than Stacy.

Mr. Fong:
Hey, Lionel Richie, you're late! Get busy! Scrub floor!

Stacy:
No matter how much you think you may hurt a woman's feelings, you have to tell the truth. She may hate you, burn down your house, pour bleach on your clothes, attack your new girlfriend with ants or take every dime you make. She may scratch your car with a rake or use your home phone to call China long-distance. She could put milk and detergent in your gas tank or put turpentine and nail polish remover and itching powder in your underwear. [2 hours later] She may glue your private parts to your leg or send an assassination threat to the President with your return address.

Narrator:
Believe it or not, Doc's girlfriend was the second-worst boss I've had. Mr. Fong was the worst, and I could only imagine how hard it would be workin' for him again.

Mr. Fong:
Hey, quit imagining what it would be like to work for me and get back to work, Lionel Richie.

Drew:
I love Stacy. She came by today and brought me a pie. And if she was 13, I'd probably have to take her from you, Doc.

Narrator:
You'd have to get past R. Kelly first.

Greg:
Captain Obvious only gives you the obvious solution. The rest is up to you.

Narrator:
Kinda like Google.

Doc:
Stacy said it's over, called me every name in the book.

Narrator:
You can never find that book in the library.

Walter Dickerson:
What's the matter, past your bedtime?

Narrator:
Yes!

Narrator:
After The Last Dragon, karate became more popular in the ghetto than poverty. Everybody was doin' it. Boys were doin' karate, girls were doin' it, even old people were doin' it.

Narrator:
The idle sister is the Devil's workshop.

Julius:
Why is it always my responsibility to make sure the anniversary is good while you get to sit back and complain? I spent money on dinner, tickets, a hotel, and what do I get? $250 worth of angry stare.

Narrator:
Nowadays, that stare costs over a thousand.

Chris:
What you think I am, a snitch?

Narrator:
Yes!

Rochelle:
Oh, baby, this is the best make-up anniversary ever.

Narrator:
Translation: You blew it once, don't make it happen again.

Julius:
We won't be able to use those $150 worth of show tickets to celebrate our anniversary.

Narrator:
Sidney Poitier had nothing on my father's actin' abilities.

Award Presenter:
And the award for "Best Husband Acting Like He Was Sad About Not Going Out On His Anniversary When He Was Actually Upset About Losing His Money" goes to... Julius!

Chris:
[about watching Drew and Tonya] Ma, I can do it. I mean, I know how much you've been looking forward to this and I wouldn't want you to miss it because of us.

Award Presenter:
And the award for "Best Kid Pretending Like He Gives A Damn About His Mother's Anniversary When He Really Wants To Get Out Of The House So He Can Sneak Out And Do Something He Doesn't Have Any Business Doing" goes to... Chris!

Vanessa:
I was married once. For our anniversary, he took me to a Knicks game. I broke up with him at halftime.

Narrator:
And ended up goin' home with Bernard King.

Narrator:
At the barbershop, rumors about Jerome were spreadin' faster than Britney Spears for the paparazzi.

Chris:
I got all the emergency numbers: Fire, Police, SWAT, FBI, CIA, IRS, NAACP, and the NBA.

Narrator:
In case Chris Mullin breaks in.

Narrator:
I didn't have anything against Big Bird, but unfortunately for me, she didn't have anything against me, either.

Jerome:
Hey, little dude out on a date, lemme hold your money! [Chris runs off]

Big Bird:
Chris, wait!

Narrator:
No!

Vanessa:
Every time the Jets win, I use my green toothbrush.

Narrator:
Four outta five dentists think she's crazy.

Narrator:
That kiss from Big Bird made me feel like Superfly.

Chris:
Lemme make it up to you. Lemme take you out again.

Kelly:
No. Never. Het. Noya. No, no, no, no, no, and no.

Narrator:
Unfortunately for me, Kelly spoke 15 languages.

Kelly:
Jo. Cuwa. Momo. Tla.

Narrator:
Was that Cherokee?

Kelly:
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.

Narrator:
Tonight's episode was brought to you by the letters D, A, M, and N!

Vanessa:
[explaining her date with Kill Moves] We opened the champagne, headed for the seaport. There was a pink helicopter waitin' for me.

Narrator:
You can hear about the rest of Vanessa's date at www.vanessa'sbigdatewithkillmoves.tv.

Narrator:
Kelly didn't realize that I was avoidin' bein' seen with her. She just thought I was the greatest phone boyfriend ever.

Chris:
I guess my favorite rappers are Run-D.M.C.

Big Bird:
I love Salt-n-Pepa.

Chris:
My favorite character from the Rocky movies is Clubber Lang.

Big Bird:
I love Captain Drago.

Chris:
And I jumped off the top stairs, started flyin', and landed on the Mary Jane Girls.

Big Bird:
I had the exact same dream, except I landed on Rick James.

Narrator:
About the only thing we didn't talk about is when we'd get together again.

Football Player #1:
Hey, it's Big Bird!

Football Player #2:
Hey, where's Bert and Ernie?

Football Player #1:
[to Chris] I guess that makes you... Snuffleupagus?

Football Player #2:
No, it makes him Roosevelt Franklin!

Football Player #1:
Cookie?

Both:
COOKIE!

Rochelle:
Hello. Thank you for calling. Nobody is available to take your call right now. Please leave a message at the sound of the beep.

Rochelle:
What's this?

Narrator:
Flowers from a white person's garden.

Narrator:
Tryin' to find a black kid in Bed-Stuy was like tryin' to find a needle in a needle stack.

Narrator:
Just because James didn't want a Brother from Another Mother, didn't mean he wasn't gettin' one.

Mr. Perkins:
3:00 P.M. See you tomorrow.

Narrator:
No he won't.

Narrator:
James was tough, but he was still 12.

Rochelle:
Who the hell is Oprah?

Narrator:
That was the last time those words were ever spoken.

Rochelle:
Oprah doesn't know what I look like without my makeup!

Narrator:
And neither did my father.

James:
I'm not pettin' no farm animals.

Narrator:
He was also allergic to goats.

Julius:
Did you just pick our lock with a credit card?

Jerome:
This? Nah, this was an accident. I thought this was my house.

Chris:
You live across the street.

Jerome:
Sorry man, I'm dyslexic.

Narrator:
After all was said and done, I found out a few things about James. His real name was Cleavon, he was raised by the streets, and he was still a 12-year-old kid.

Narrator:
I already had a younger brother from the same mother. The last thing I wanted was one from another mother.

Mr. Perkins:
Being a Brother from Another Mother is a huge responsibility. Your influence is molding a mind, changing the course of a life.

Narrator:
You could say the same thing about crack.

Rochelle:
If nothing's wrong, then why are you bringin' me flowers?

Julius:
I'm just tryin' to treat you the way I would wanna be treated if I was married to me.

Narrator:
Now legal in California.

Narrator:
Doc was the only person I knew who celebrated Old New Year's Eve.

Narrator:
She's a bale of cotton away from sendin' us back 300 years.

Rochelle:
You better watch your mouth unless you wanna get smacked into the new year.

Greg:
I can't believe your dad saved a guy. That's so cool. You know, if that guy had been a girl, he'd be so in there.

Narrator:
Another one of Greg's pick-up techniques. If you stop a girl from killin' herself, she might go out with you.

Narrator:
Too bad I didn't make a New Year's resolution to be depressed!

Narrator:
Just because I ain't goin' to Times Square tonight, am I gonna jump off a bridge?

Chris:
Ma! Can I go to Times Square with Tasha, Peaches and Malvo?

Rochelle:
Hell, no!

Narrator:
My dad had the key to the city, but it couldn't open gridlock.

Narrator:
I never really believed in things like New Year's resolutions, but for the first time in my life, all my dreams were comin' true.

Narrator:
Kissin' Tasha on New Year's Eve was amazing, but my only fear was that I was gonna turn into a pumpkin at midnight.

Narrator:
New Year's Eve was big in Bed-Stuy because it gave everybody a chance to make new resolutions. Unfortunately, most people didn't follow through on them. Not my mother.

Rochelle:
This year, I'm gonna stop yellin' at my children.

Narrator:
No you're not!

Rochelle:
Who put a glass on my table without a coaster?!

Narrator:
Not my sister.

Tonya:
This year, I'm not going to get Chris in trouble anymore.

Narrator:
Yes you will!

Rochelle:
[off-screen] Who's been in my make-up bag?!

Tonya:
Chris did it!

Narrator:
Not my father.

Julius:
I'm gonna stop worryin' about my money.

Narrator:
Stop lyin'!

Julius:
Chris, close that door! You just left out 86 cents' worth of refrigeration!

Narrator:
Not my brother.

Drew:
This year, I'm not gonna take any more girls from Chris.

Narrator:
We'll see about that!

Girl:
That's so sweet, Drew. Who's Chris?

Chris:
I'm Chris. You came in with me.

Narrator:
In every city, people had disasters they had to survive. In Miami they had hurricanes, in San Francisco they had earthquakes, and in New York we had blackouts.

Chris:
Do you think I stole something?

Mr. Levine:
No, I'm just a freaky old man who likes to see the inside of pockets.

Drew:
Where were you, Chris?

Narrator:
With the Grand Wizard of Bed-Stuy.

Narrator:
While havin' a sidekick was gettin' old, my mom was feelin' young.

Mr. Levine:
What are you, a Good Samaritan?

Narrator:
In Brooklyn, bein' nice only aroused suspicion.

Rochelle:
[to Peaches, about her leopard-skin jacket] So, what do you think?

Narrator:
I think a leopard cub is missin' his mommy.

Narrator:
Back at school, Greg was doin' more wardrobe changes than Beyoncé in concert.

Narrator:
The only thing scarier than a man almost dyin' was the man who had almost killed him.

Mr. Levine:
Next time you wanna do me a favor, do me a favor... don't.

Greg:
I thought I didn't have a personality of my own, but you don't.

Narrator:
Yay! We both suck!

Mr. Levine:
Used to be an ice cream stand there.

Chris:
Oh, that's where they sell crack now.

Mr. Levine:
That's where Jerry and Becky Rosenthal got married.

Chris:
Yeah. Now that's where Petey Pete got Tisha-T pregnant.

Mr. Levine:
That's where Jacob Cohen got shot 30 years ago.

Chris:
Oh. That's where this guy is about to get shot right now.

Woman with Gun:
Eat lead! [shoots a guy]

Chris:
Mr. Levine, it's me, Chris! Let me in! LET ME IN!!

Mr. Levine:
Hey, hey, hey! Last time I let you in, I went to the hospital, almost got shipped to the farm... but you did me a favor, I saw my daughter, and me and Doc patched it up. You happy? Now, beat it!

Narrator:
And with that, Mr. Levine taught me everything I needed to know about white people.

Narrator:
In professional sports, the best athletes get a sneaker contract.

Narrator:
While Tonya tried to get into Drew's group, my mom tried to get into a pair of jeans. [Rochelle tries hard to put on a pair of jeans] She sweated less during childbirth.

Narrator:
I was hopin' to get a varsity letter, but I was afraid I would get three of them: D.O.A.

Referee:
The Tessio Tigers do not have a wrestler to compete in this weight class, and therefore, the Tattaglia Sleeping Fish win by default!

Coach Brantley:
Look at you with your win by forfeit, huh? You're just one step away from getting that varsity letter.

Narrator:
I'm glad my neck still works.

Rochelle:
I made extra if anybody wants seconds.

Narrator:
Nobody wanted firsts.

Narrator:
The only one who was eatin' instead of drinkin' was my father.

Narrator:
What difference could a pound make? None, unless I could fight somebody. [Chris gets beat down] Not even Don King could fix that match.

Coach Brantley:
I could give you a letter, but you get "L" for loser.

Julius:
You eatin' a Slopper?

Rochelle:
You want a bite?

Tonya:
I'm takin' the girls and startin' my own group.

Narrator:
Called TMA: Too Much Attitude.

Julius:
So I've been spendin' money on shakes while you've been wastin' money on food?!

Narrator:
Only my father would think food was a waste of money.

Everyone:
Yes.

Julius:
I work two jobs and you let me leave the house with nothin' on my stomach but a fish juice shake?!

Narrator:
Not cool unless your husband's a shark.

Julius:
If this is how you do it and you tryin' to get skinny, I'd rather have you fat.

Narrator:
That's what Kirstie Alley's man said to her.

Chris:
Rice, rice, rice. Do you think all I knows is rice? I was there when George Washington Carver shucked that first peanut. I make yams and corn and cotton, but all America wants is them little grains of rice. I gives and I gives till I can't gives no more.

Ms. Morello:
Chris, you're excused from all of your classes. Professor Lee will be taking them for you.

Chris:
Is he smart?

Ms. Morello:
Chris, he's Asian. If you could turn his smart into black, he'd be darker than Yaphet Kotto in a pot of chocolate.

Chris:
Cool.

Narrator:
If Yaphet Kotto fell into your pot of chocolate, how would you know?

Drew:
Aren't you gonna do something?

Princess Latifah:
Why don't you do something?

Drew:
'Cause I'm the one auditioning you.

Princess Latifah:
No one talks to Princess Latifah like that! Next!

Narrator:
While Drew was takin' his first step towards the charts, I was makin' my first step toward the mat.

Coach Brantley:
Since this is your first day on the mat, I'm gonna walk you through some moves. You watch wrestling on TV?

Chris:
All the time. Hulk Hogan, André the Giant, the Iron Sheik. I love all those guys.

Coach Brantley:
It's too bad, 'cause all that crap is fake.

Chris:
They call me the Black Plague.

Rochelle:
Isn't that an insult?

Julius:
I'm just glad you winnin'. We don't wanna know the things they call Jackie Robinson.

Narrator:
If you really wanna know, ask Michael Richards or Don Imus.

Jerome:
Little dude from across the street's friend who lives across town!

Rochelle:
GENE!!!

Background Singers:
Everybody hates Gene.

Chris:
How are we supposed to get in?

Narrator:
Easy. Just wait three more years.

Rochelle:
[to Julius] Don't worry. You're not having a party.

Narrator:
That's what the Democrats said to Hillary [Clinton].

Narrator:
Back at school, I was more depressed than the Fat Boys at a finger sandwich party.

Chris:
You got the IDs?

Greg:
Is Janet Jackson in control?

Narrator:
Yeah, but Michael isn't.

Narrator:
Drew couldn't see through his hand, but he could see through Ryan's BS.

Ryan:
Gimme my 50 back.

Narrator:
That's what 50's girlfriend said to Vivica Fox.

Caruso:
[to Chris and Greg] If it isn't Bosco and Milk.

Narrator:
I didn't know what's more surprisin': my mother givin' my father the cold shoulder or my father givin' me cold cash.

Mr. Thurman:
You got a big future ahead of you.

Narrator:
A super-sized future.

Narrator:
At Hansel and Gretel, my mother laid down the law like the Big Bad Wolf.

Narrator:
While everyone else took the test, I took out the answers, and after the test results were in, I got called out.

Ms. Morello:
Oh, Chris, I just never would have expected this out of you. I just don't see how you could do this.

Narrator:
When you're about to go down for a crime, everybody knows it's best to throw yourself on the mercy of the court.

Chris:
Ms. Morello, I can explain. This test meant a lot to my mother.

Ms. Morello:
I bet it did, and she must be proud of you. A perfect score on the PSAT test? That's unheard of in the history of this school! You're like a little chocolate Einstein!

Narrator:
More like chocolate Pinocchio.

Narrator:
The teams were all white, but unfortunately for them, the questions were all black.

Rochelle:
Just because you do summer in the Vineyard, and you go swimmin' in the Inkpen, and you play the violin instead of the funky bass, and you eat those, all those stupid finger foods, does NOT make you better than somebody, OK!? My son is a good kid, and my husband is innocent! So, you know what? You can take your little Hansel and Gretel and you can shove it up your...

Judge Watkins:
Lady, you're out of order!

Rochelle:
NO!!! You're out of order! YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER!! THIS WHOLE TRIAL IS OUT OF ORDER!!!

Judge Watkins:
Get her out of here! GET HER OUT OF HERE!

Rochelle:
Attica! ATTICA!!

Ms. Morello:
I'm sorry, but Chris, you're back in your regular classes as of next week, and...

Chris:
Yeah, I know. Detention.

Ms. Morello:
No, that would be too easy. I'm making you stay on the Academic Scholastathon Team, and as your punishment, you can go on losing along with them. Listen, I have to go while I still have some hubcaps.

Narrator:
Too late!

Ms. Morello:
[to Judge Watkins] And I don't know who you are, but I love a black man in a suit. Call me!

Rochelle:
Boy, I oughta knock you into subspace.

Chris:
Isn't that ridiculous?

Store Clerk:
You're under arrest!

Julius:
What!? What am I under arrest for?

Store Clerk:
30 unpaid parking tickets from 1982!

Julius:
Parkin' tickets?!

Store Clerk:
Yeah, maybe next time you'll think twice before you try to cheat New York City out of a QUARTER!

Julius:
Does this mean I don't get the free TV?

Chris:
James "Bonecrusher" Smith is the first heavyweight champ with a college degree. The brother's smart.

Narrator:
Then why'd he go into the face-punchin' business?

Chris:
You know what? I'll bet you $5 that he beats Tyson in Vegas next week.

Greg:
It's like taking candy from a baby.

Narrator:
Who would do that?

Coach Thurman:
Instead of being the Italian Stallion, you'll be the Black Stallion!

Narrator:
Hope I don't get sent to the glue factory!

Julius:
Why you starin' at my feet?

Narrator:
She loves your bunions.

Narrator:
My father had two full-time jobs (three if you count my mother).

Coach Thurman:
I need you, you need me.

Greg:
And we need those tickets. It's a win-win.

Narrator:
Said the guy who wasn't gonna get punched.

Narrator:
Drew's window attracted more perverts than Times Square.

Drew:
Showtime!

Narrator:
This gives a whole other meaning to Neighborhood Watch.

Narrator:
By dinnertime, I wasn't hungry 'cause I was full of myself.

James:
When is she gonna stop screamin' and start strippin'?

Drew:
[slapping James] That's my mother!

James:
I know!

Narrator:
Before Cops was a show on TV, I saw cops chasing criminals every day in Bed-Stuy.

Narrator:
Even though I hid the weed, I couldn't hide the smell.

Rochelle:
I don't need a computer. Girl, I'm a walkin' computer.

Vanessa:
But I'm not. Girl, I don't even know what's goin' on in my own salon anymore.

Narrator:
Sounds like my father.

Peaches:
My prison was better than school.

Narrator:
How'd you know? She never went to school.

Angel:
There's a lot of people getting high in school these days.

Narrator:
That's why they call it high school.

Narrator:
While my mom was gettin' the lowdown with Vanessa, I was tryin' not to get the whole class high.

Ms. Morello:
[to Chris] You might be black, but you're not fireproof.

Narrator:
A bag of weed can cause you all kinds of problems: Big ones, like losin' your job, and little ones, like tryin' to figure out where to hide it. I thought about hidin' it in the bathroom.

Julius:
Who's hidin' $27 worth of weed in the toilet?

Narrator:
I thought about hidin' it in my room.

Tonya:
Momma! Somebody hid some weed in Chris' sock drawer!

Narrator:
I even thought about hidin' it in the kitchen.

Rochelle:
Who hid weed in my cereal?!

Narrator:
But I decided the safest place to hide it was on me.

Julius:
How many times do I have to tell you kids, the Jamaicans do not sell records?

Narrator:
Or if they do, they're Sean Paul.

Narrator:
Back at school, I had Jamaican Gold in my shoe and Italian Greg in my case.

Julius:
You did somethin' I didn't like, now I'm doin' somethin' you don't like.

Narrator:
You're lucky he didn't make you pay $12!

Narrator:
Tonya was such a big fan of Lisa Lisa, for a while we had to call her Tonya Tonya.

Narrator:
Hi, this is Chris Rock. I'd like to take this moment to say this television network does not condone the use of marijuana or any illegal substance, even if it's funny, so please don't sue me. Now, back to the show!

Mrs. Williams:
Class, this is K9 Officer Kilo. Now, there's no reason to be afraid. He doesn't bite unless he's ordered to.

Narrator:
He's better-behaved than Naomi Campbell.

Rochelle:
How do you know what weed smells like?

Narrator:
Scratch 'n sniff Rick James' sticker?

Greg:
Free at last, free at last! Thank God almighty we are free at last!

Chris:
Greg, it's spring break, not the end of racism.

Narrator:
The janitor was like the Don "Magic" Juan of Camaros.

Narrator:
[after Chris accidentally runs over Greg] White man down! White man down!

Greg:
Dude! You hit me with a car.

Narrator:
Sounds like the title of an Ashton Kutcher movie.

Greg:
So, where were we? Oh, that's right. You were trying to explain how you didn't run me over.

Chris:
No, I didn't.

Greg:
So that wasn't you behind the steering wheel when my face was smashed up against the windshield?

Chris:
No, because if I had hit you, that meant I was driving someone's car, and that someone would go to jail for a really, really, really long time if we snitched. So, not only would you be hurt, he would be hurt also, and don't you think enough people have been hurt already?

Greg:
OK, I get it. You didn't hit me.

Narrator:
Spoken just like Tina Turner.

Chris:
Man, it's messed up!

Greg:
That's OK. We've survived worse things. Remember the time we survived those Cuban drug runners?

[Cuban drug runners are threatening Greg with guns and a chainsaw]

Cuban Drug Runner:
Where's the drugs?!

Chris:
We don't have any coke, but there's a Pepsi machine upstairs.

[we see a tear running down Greg's face as the Cuban drug runner speaks some Spanish]

Greg:
Yeah, and remember the time we were captured by those Vietnamese guys?

[a Vietnamese guy spins a gun during a game of Russian roulette, which then points at Greg; he then punches him]

Chris:
C'mon! Go ahead, Greg. Go ahead! [the Vietnamese guy punches him] It's gonna be OK. It's gonna be all right. [the Vietnamese guy punches Greg] GO AHEAD!

Greg:
Go fish.

[the Vietnamese guy punches Chris and Greg]

Chris:
Remember the time we took out that mobster? [to Greg] Leave the gun. Take the Pop-Tarts.

Greg:
Yeah, we've had some crazy times.

Narrator:
Not only was it rainin' at the beach, back at home, it was rainin' on my parade.

Rochelle:
Chris, is that your wrestlin' coach?

Narrator:
I guess that answers who they got arrested.

Greg:
Kristoff St. John didn't hit me.

Chris:
Yeah, he's right. That's not him.

Rochelle:
Well, I thought you said you didn't see anything.

Narrator:
Yeah, dummy!

Chris:
Oh. Now that I think about it, it's kinda all coming back. As I came around the corner, I think I might have caught a glimpse of the driver.

Cop:
Well, let's get you with the sketch artist.

Narrator:
Jesse from All My Children, you're next.

Narrator:
While I was dodgin' another bullet, raindrops kept fallin' on my dad's head.

Narrator:
My father's spring break was bein' rained out, and my mother enjoyed bein' stretched out.

Greg:
Dude, you hit me with a car, broke my leg, and then made me lie to the cops. I think the least you can do is give me some OJ.

Narrator:
After all was said and done, Greg had something to say about what we did.

Rochelle:
Hittin' someone with a car is not illegal. Lyin' to the police is.

Chris:
Ma, I know you're mad, but it's over. It all worked out. It's not a big deal.

Rochelle:
You broke your friend's leg, you both lied to the police, we were in the middle of a police shoot-out with a serial choker, and you don't think it's a big deal?

Narrator:
Not in Bed-Stuy.

Narrator:
In all the years of school, there was nothing I loved better than summer vacation, and the next best thing was spring break.

Greg:
Once I get up to Lake Winnipesaukee with my mom and dad, it's not gonna be good.

Chris:
I thought your parents split up?

Greg:
They did, but neither one will give up the timeshare, so I'm taking the bus to meet them for a weekend of fishing and drinking... and fighting.

Narrator:
Don't forget cryin'!

Drew:
I hate the sand. I don't know where it comes from, and it gets into places you can't get it out of.

Narrator:
Like broke cousins.

Narrator:
While I was makin' it clear that I didn't hit Greg, my family was gettin' ready to hit the road.

Narrator:
When I was 16, I crossed a major milestone for teenagers: I finally got my driver's license.

Rochelle:
Boy, this is not a library.

Narrator:
If it was, you'd be quiet.

Drew:
What are you doing?

Julius:
Nothing.

Narrator:
Nothing he wants you to know about.

Rochelle:
Do you have a pen?

Tonya:
For what?

Rochelle:
For me not to smack the smart outta you.

Greg:
Whenever you're ready, I'll be ready.

Greg:
Dude, where's our car?

Narrator:
That sounds like the title of a movie.

Chris:
Cigarettes?

Narrator:
Careful! They might complicate your pregnancy.

Rochelle:
Why is everybody lookin' at me?

Julius:
Because you smokin' a carrot.

Greg:
We can go to the shore to get girls. We can drive to Manhattan to get girls. We can go to Coney Island to get girls.

Chris:
Do you realize that it's still gonna be us in the car?

Greg:
It doesn't matter. Cars equal girls.

Narrator:
After sayin' "No" to my mother for the first time, I didn't know what to expect.

Rochelle:
What did you say?!

Chris:
I said no.

Narrator:
Twice!

Rochelle:
That's what I thought you said. [throws some silverware at Chris, who has been pinned to a door because of that, then threatens him with a knife] Now say it again.

Chris:
Ma, I didn't eat all the dinner by myself. I shouldn't have to clean it all up by myself.

Rochelle:
I don't wear all the clothes, but... I wash them by myself. I don't sleep in all the beds in this house, but I... I make them all by myself. I don't pee in all of the toilets in this house by myself!

Chris:
Ma, Drew and Tonya are sittin' right there doin' nothin'. Why can't they help?

Rochelle:
Because I told you to do it! Now, I don't wanna hear no more back talk. Now, clean this mess up.

Chris:
No. I'm not gonna do it.

Rochelle:
Lord, please help me before I knock this boy's neck off. Eight... Nine... T-ten!

Narrator:
I wouldn't see a woman that perplexed again until Palin found out her daughter was knocked up.

Rochelle:
Where have you been?

Julius:
I stopped to get coffee.

Narrator:
With his coffee coupon.

Narrator:
With my father on his way to Doc's, I was a dead man workin'.

Julius:
I just need to understand why you would talk to your mother like that.

Chris:
Dad, Drew and Tonya were sittin' down watchin' TV and I'm the only one Mom said to go clean up. It's just not fair. You raised me to stand up for myself, so why do I get in trouble when I do it at home?

Julius:
Look, Chris, you might win the battle, but you're gonna lose the war. Sometimes it's not about just being right. Hey, look, you need to apologize to your mother.

Chris:
Why?

Julius:
Because she will make your life miserable. Do you know how many times I've been right and still had to apologize? 469,531 times!

Narrator:
And countin'!

Chris:
How is that even possible?

Julius:
Because she doesn't care!

Chris:
It doesn't make any sense!

Julius:
Exactly. Look, that's the #1 rule of livin' with women: Nothing makes sense. When you learn this, then you'll finally understand what it is to be a man. Wrong or right, you still have to be sorry.

Narrator:
I had survived the walk home. Now all I had to do was apologize, and my life would go back to normal.

Narrator:
I had put my foot down, but unfortunately, it was into my own grave.

Narrator:
While my mother was teachin' me lessons about life, Mr. Omar was teachin' a lesson about death.

Narrator:
How come when a woman says, "Fine," it's never actually fine?

Tonya:
Will you quit bein' stupid and go clean up the kitchen like Momma told you?!

Julius:
Why is this table such a mess?

Narrator:
Somebody fired the maid.

Vanessa:
Chris, you are a child. Parents don't negotiate with children.

Narrator:
When you're a kid, one of the most important lessons you learn is when your parents tell you to do something...

Rochelle:
Y'all better eat that liver.

Chris, Drew and Tonya:
Yes, ma'am.

Narrator:
...you do it, no matter what you think.

Rochelle:
Boy, get your feet off my good chair.

Drew:
Yes, ma'am.

Narrator:
No matter what it is.

Rochelle:
Girl, are you crazy?! If you wanna cook your brother, do it outside!

Tonya:
Yes, ma'am.

Narrator:
No matter how you feel.

Rochelle:
Chris, clean up the table and do the dishes.

Chris:
No!

Rochelle:
What?

Narrator:
Will I say what I just said again? Will my mother kill me before I get a chance to say it? Are Drew and Tonya gonna sit there and just let this happen? Don't touch that dial!

Rochelle:
While you were out takin' your time, sippin' on coffee, your son was here staging a COUP!!

Julius:
A coup? What? Who, Drew?

Rochelle:
CHRIS! I spent 20 hours of labor pushin' out that big-eared boy, and he turns around and does this to me?!

Julius:
Does what? What did he do?

Rochelle:
What did he do? Oh, what? You're on HIS side now?!

Julius:
No, no! I... I'm just tryin' to find out what's goin' on!

Rochelle:
Oh, what's goin' on? What's goin' on? Lemme think about what's goin' on. YOUR SON IS TRYING TO KILL ME!! That's what's goin' on! I, I... I cook. I clean. I care for this family, and what do I get in return? Just a FULL-SCALE MUTINY! Led by a child who I bore for a man who's supposed to love and honor and protect me! You know, I thought we were all in this together, but you know what? I'm findin' out now that I'm just BY MYSELF!

Julius:
Rochelle, what did he do?

Rochelle:
I told Chris to wash the dishes and he told me, "No." And what do you do? Nothing!

Narrator:
Whenever there was a problem my mom couldn't handle, she'd call my dad for backup, like the governor bringin' in the National Guard.

Rochelle:
Chris, clean up the table and do the dishes.

Chris:
No.

Narrator:
Well, it's been nice knowin' you, America.

Narrator:
First thing in the morning, my mother did the meanest thing yet: nothin'.

Chris:
Why didn't you wake me up? I'm late for school!

Rochelle:
You grown. Wake yourself up. If you don't wanna do nothin' for me, I ain't doin' nothin' for you.

Narrator:
And she didn't. She didn't do my laundry.

Chris:
Where's my underwear?

Rochelle:
You grown. Wash your own drawers.

Narrator:
She didn't make my meals.

Chris:
Where's my breakfast?

Rochelle:
You grown. You can cook your own food.

Monk:
I also will take that, uh... helmet and those death darts.

Mr. Omar:
That's a crock-pot and pens, man!

Monk:
Not in the jungle, it's not. You know, I can make me a hand grenade out of a can of Cheez Whiz and a dress sock.

Mr. Omar:
Well, you need to use it to blow your own brains out. Don't they have centers for people like you?

Chris:
My mom's been mad at me before, and she'll be mad at me again. What's the worst she can do, not be my mother anymore?

Rochelle:
I'd like to return this child.

Nurse:
Do you have the receipt?

Rochelle:
Sure do.

Nurse:
Looks good! Take this to the cashier for your refund.

Rochelle:
Thank you!

Narrator:
I was tryin' to become my own person, but my mother still thought she owned me.

Rochelle:
What you think you doin'?

Chris:
I'm makin' breakfast.

Rochelle:
With my eggs?

Chris:
No, I bought the eggs, and I bought the bacon.

Rochelle:
Oh. Well, you ain't buy that skillet. You ain't buy that fire. You ain't buy that spatula. You ain't buy that plate.

Chris:
Next time, I'll remember to buy a paper plate.

Rochelle:
Oh, next...? "Oh, next time, I'll remember to buy a paper..." No, next time, you need to remember: This ain't your kitchen! This ain't your stove, this ain't your floor, those ain't your frozen gizzards, that ain't your...

Chris:
You say none of this is mine. Maybe I should find someplace else to be.

Rochelle:
Uh-oh! Did y'all see that? I guess he jumpin' bad now. You bad! I guess you Shaft! You's a bad mutha... Shut yo mouth! No! Since you're so independent, so liberated, maybe you need to go live in the Statue of Liberty.

Chris:
Fine! I'm leavin'.

Narrator:
I stood my ground, and now it was gonna be standin' out on the street.

Julius:
You cuttin' the boy's arm off for stickin' his finger in the fan.

Narrator:
What?

Rochelle:
Cuttin' off his arm? I don't get it. So, am I the fan?

Drew:
I'm pretty sure Chris is the arm.

Tonya:
No, I think the arm is the arm.

Rochelle:
Chris is the boy.

Julius:
Yeah, Chris is the boy. Look, stickin' his finger in the fan is just the equivalent of doin' something stupid.

Drew:
Like talkin' back to Mom.

Julius:
Right.

Tonya:
So cuttin' the arm off is kickin' him outta the house?

Julius:
Exactly.

Rochelle:
So, if he stuck his finger in the fan and I didn't like it, cuttin' his arm off so he wouldn't do it again [along with Julius] wouldn't help.

Tasha:
Boy, you so crazy.

Narrator:
Oh, I'm crazy, all right.

Rochelle:
Will both of y'all shut up?!

Narrator:
That don't rhyme!

Greg:
Oh, man! You're gonna be so in there! I can't believe you ran it down! I only just ran. What'd she say?

Chris:
She said she'll think about it.

Greg:
But what does that mean?

Chris:
It means, "Lemme check every option, see if I can get someone I want, and if not, I'll go out with you."

Narrator:
When she said every option, she meant every option. She checked blind guys.

Tasha:
Do you have a girlfriend?

Blind Girlfriend:
Yeah, girl. What are you, blind?

Narrator:
She checked dangerous guys.

Tasha:
Do you have a girlfriend?

Robber Girl:
Yeah, he does! Now gimme your money!

Narrator:
She even checked guys who were girls.

Tasha:
Do you have a girlfriend?

Androgynous Guy:
I'm my own girlfriend.

Tasha:
What'd you get me?

Narrator:
A big box of nothin'.

Chris:
I got a surprise for you later.

Tasha:
You do? What is it?

Narrator:
It's a surprise to me, too.

Chris:
Well, I wanted to wait till later, but, you know, after I get home from school, I wanted to celebrate with you. I'll bring your present then.

Narrator:
Good one!

Tasha:
Ooh! And then we can go to Mr. Woo's and get some Chinese food. And then we can talk about what this crazy girl said to me at school. And then we can talk about...

Narrator:
Another thing I learned quickly is that much like bin Laden, girlfriends like to make plans, and those plans did not include Greg.

Narrator:
The best thing about the girl next door is that she's right next door, and the worst is that she's right next door.

Tasha:
I will not be ignored, Chris.

Narrator:
I'm lucky I don't have a pet rabbit.

Narrator:
After everything I'd been through with Tasha and as crazy as she acted, she really did have a point. Breakin' up over one fight wasn't worth it, and if she didn't think it was over, then it wasn't over.

Tasha:
Oh, Chris.

Chris:
Hey. I was mad earlier.

Tasha:
I noticed.

Chris:
It's not that I want to break up with you. I just think we need to get clear about some things.

Tasha:
Like what?

Chris:
First of all, you cannot cancel my work so we can go hang out.

Tasha:
OK.

Chris:
And I'm sorry that I overreacted. I'm new to this relationship stuff.

Tasha:
OK.

Chris:
Good. [tries to kiss Tasha, but she rejects him] What's wrong?

Tasha:
I am breaking up with you.

Chris:
I thought you said that we were still together.

Tasha:
Until I said we were breaking up. We're breaking up. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.

Narrator:
Me, either.

Rochelle:
[repeated line] Is she white?

Mr. Thurman:
Do you know William Henry Harrison?

Chris:
Yeah. Wasn't he that guy who cleaned up that woman in My Fair Lady?

Mr. Thurman:
No, that was Rex Harrison.

Chris:
Oh.

Mr. Thurman:
William Henry Harrison was the ninth President of the United States, and he gave the longest inaugural address in history, and guess what?

Chris:
What?

Mr. Thurman:
Since you like to talk so much, you are gonna memorize that speech!

Chris:
But I have to study for finals!

Mr. Thurman:
Not if you don't get that speech memorized because if ya don't, you're gonna get suspended, and then you won't be here to take final exams! You got a momma joke for that?

Narrator:
If I tell it, I'll get suspended right now.

Tallulah:
My name is Tallulah LaFitte. I came in here the other day to get my hair dyed honey brown, and it come up like this!

Rochelle:
Well, did you have color in your hair before you came in?

Tallulah:
So, what if I did? I didn't want my hair to be orange! I look like Ronald BlackDonald!

Rochelle:
Well, hair is like crayons, you know? You mix colors, you get new colors. If you don't know what you mixin', you don't know what you're gonna get.

Tallulah:
I don't care about no mixin' colors, miss! You need to give me a refund!

Narrator:
You need to put those fingers away!

Rochelle:
Um, we don't give refunds. That's our policy. Didn't you read the signs?

Tallulah:
Then I need to speak to the manager!

Rochelle:
She's just gonna tell you the same thing I just said.

Tallulah:
How do you know that?

Rochelle:
Because she is me! So I'm sorry, but no. Whatever happened to that head of yours, it's not our fault.

Narrator:
That's what the President of Hollywood said to Britney Spears.

Tallulah:
Ah-ah! This is not over, miss! Until you give me back my money, I'm putting a mojo on you and yours. A hex on everything you touch and everything you do. So it is said, so it shall be done. [chants in foreign language, then leaves the beauty salon]

Narrator:
That was Barack Obama's middle name.

Rochelle:
And Obama-lu to you, too!

Julius:
[to Rochelle] Are you OK?

Narrator:
No, she's mad she can't slap soup.

Tonya:
It looks like Clay-Dough and grits.

Drew:
Ugh, it tastes like Clay-Dough and grits.

Julius:
It is Clay-Dough and grits.

Narrator:
After three days of studyin', I was a lot like William Henry Harrison: dead.

Chris:
[on the phone] Hello. I have planted a bomb at Tattaglia High. Unless everybody is out of that building in the next 40 minutes... everybody will be out of that building in the next 40 minutes.

Narrator:
Back home, my dad's mojo recipes were layin' eggs.

Julius:
Honey, I've done everything I can and things just keep gettin' worse. They've had over four glasses of the remedy, and their temperature just keeps goin' up.

Narrator:
Maybe that's because Clay-Dough is not the stuffy-nose, runny-eyes, scratchy-throat and knock-you-out-so-you-can-sleep medicine.

Narrator:
I didn't freak out like that again until Big Pun died.

Rochelle:
Would you do that voodoo that you do so well?

Narrator:
The week before finals was the most pressure-packed time of the year. Kids reacted to the pressure in lotsa different ways. Some kids took it out on themselves, and some kids took it out on others.

Narrator:
In the '80s, makin' a bomb threat was nowhere near as easy as it is now.

Cop:
Sir, unless the bomb is committing a crime, there's nothing we can do.

Fireman:
Unless the bomb is up a tree and can't get down, there's nothing we can do.

Narrator:
I thought I'd finally got the right people on the phone, but I still couldn't figure out why the school wasn't bein' evacuated.

Chris:
Don't we have a copy machine?

Librarian:
We did, but it turned out to be a fake. It was a copy of a copy machine. The Xerox police confiscated it. If your hand starts to cramp up, use the other one.

Narrator:
I was quite familiar with that principle.

Rochelle:
You know Miss Tallulah?

Vanessa:
Yeah. What about her?

Rochelle:
Well, she was unhappy with her hair color, so she seemed pretty upset, so I just gave her a refund.

Vanessa:
REFUND?! What'd you do that for? I have a strict no-refund policy. You know that.

Rochelle:
Well, Vanessa, she put a hex on me. A mojo!

Vanessa:
A mojo? You let that woman come in and scam you for $40 because she threatened you with a mojo? She's been doin' that ever since she came in, 'Chelle. She's crazy! She's the reason I put the sign up there.

Mr. Thurman:
[to Chris] You got a way with words, which would be a good thing if this was... you-got-a-way-with-word-ology!

Ms. Morello:
Just for the record, Chris, you can't afford to be late again. The clocks in this school are set to Eastern Standard Time, not CP Time.

Chris:
What difference does it make if I'm late? We took all our tests. We only got, like, one more week to go.

Ms. Morello:
Counting today, you have been late 29 times this year, and 30 is the limit. If you're late again, you will not be promoted. You will have to repeat the 10th grade.

Chris:
Say what?!'

Ms. Morello:
Say word.

Narrator:
Oh, there's a word I wanna say, all right!

Narrator:
Just about everything I went through at school was hard. The work was tough.

Chris:
"Q?" What's a "Q?"

Narrator:
The people were mean.

Chris:
[to Greg] Go ahead. [Greg runs off]

Chris:
Are we havin' a fight or a dance-off? [Caruso punches him]

Caruso:
You know I can't dance.

Narrator:
But the one thing about school that was harder than anything else...

Rochelle:
Chris, wake up.

Narrator:
...was gettin' there.

Rochelle:
It's time to go to school. You can't learn nothin' in bed.

Narrator:
Tell that to Kim Kardashian.

Julius:
How many times does a girl graduate from sixth grade?

Narrator:
In Bed-Stuy, five.

Tonya:
Thanks, Daddy.

Rochelle:
What are you writing, Drew?

Drew:
It's a list of things I can do on Amateur Night at the Apollo. I'm gonna try out.

Julius:
Drew, that's a tough audience. You can't just go up there and do anything; they will boo you faster that Casper on Halloween.

Rochelle:
Stevie Wonder could see before he did Amateur Night; they booed him blind.

Tonya:
They booed "Magic" Johnson so bad, he gave up singing.

Drew:
"Magic" Johnson is a basketball player.

Tonya:
Now.

Drew:
Well, they're not gonna boo me.

Narrator:
That's what Roseanne said before she sang the National Anthem!

Chris:
Mr. Thurman, I can't be late!

Mr. Thurman:
Then consider yourself early for next year.

Narrator:
Meanwhile, I was goin' down like O.J. in the Vegas trial.

Rochelle:
Chris, this is your own fault. If you woulda told me you were havin' problems, then I coulda done somethin'.

Julius:
It's not the end of the world. Most people don't get to finish the 10th grade once. You get to do it twice. It's kinda like workin' a double shift.

Chris:
Do you know how embarrassing that's gonna be?

Rochelle:
As embarrassing as bein' 40 and still livin' with your mother 'cause you were too stupid to listen to her and repeat the 10th grade and get your diploma.

Narrator:
After all my parents did for me, I tried to do somethin' for myself.

Julius:
G.E.D.?

Chris:
Yeah, it's just like graduatin' from high school.

Rochelle:
No it's not. Do you get a G.E.D. cap and gown? Can people sign your G.E.D. yearbook? Do they have a G.E.D. reunion?

Narrator:
Yes. It's called "Flavor of Love."

Julius:
Didn't your hair used to be yellow?

Pam:
That's blonde.

Rochelle:
If you wanna sulk, go sulk. It's not gonna change anything.

Narrator:
Ask Hillary Clinton.

Rochelle:
You wanna be a comedian? Ha! Very funny!

Narrator:
[as Chris enters a diner] Next to a pregnancy scare, waitin' for the results from my G.E.D. was one of the scariest moments of my life.

Waitress:
Who gets that fried crust?

[Chris inserts a quarter into the jukebox on the table, then "Livin' on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi plays]

Rochelle:
[showing up] Hi, baby.

Chris:
Hey. Where's Drew and Tonya?

Rochelle:
They're walkin' over from Doc's.

Chris:
[singing along] Tommy used to work on the docks. Union's been on strike; he's down on his luck. It's tough.

Rochelle:
[as Drew and Tonya show up] Hey!

Tonya:
Hi Mom.

Drew:
Oh, I love fried crusts!

Rochelle:
Don't fill up on it.

Tonya:
Where's Daddy?

Drew:
In his skin. When he jumps out, you can jump in.

Rochelle:
[singing along] Hold on...

Chris:
[singing along] ...if we make it or not. We'll give it a shot.

Chris, Drew, Tonya and Rochelle:
[singing along] Oh, we're halfway there! Oh, oh! Livin' on a prayer! Take my hand; we'll make it, I swear! Oh, oh! Livin' on a prayer!

Chris:
Hey Ma, I heard they were hirin' at Red Lobster.

Tonya:
They're not hirin' you.

Drew:
I wonder how hungry people have to be to eat a lobster? Like, who looks at that and says, "Man, that looks good!"?

Rochelle:
Have you thought about what you're gonna do if you don't pass the G.E.D.?

Julius:
[showing up with Chris' G.E.D. results] Hey, everybody.

Tonya:
Hey, Daddy.

Rochelle:
Hi. What's that?

Julius:
Chris' G.E.D. results.

Drew:
Did you pass?

Tonya:
Open it.

Julius:
Is that fried crust?

Drew:
Yeah. And it's good.

Chris:
[last line on the show] What's it say? [the screen blacks out afterwards, leaving it ambiguous as to whether Chris passed the G.E.D. or not, and the credits roll in silence]

Mr. Omar:
Don't you already have two jobs? You want another one?

Narrator:
That's like asking Amy Winehouse if she wants another drink.

’’’Julius’’’:
What’s the job?

’’’Mr. Omar’’’:
Well, my dear assistant died today.

’’’Julius’’’:
Oh no! What happened?

’’’Mr. Omar’’’:
Well he went to the dollar theater to watch the movie “Airplane” but ironically. A chemical toilet dropped out of an airplane, crashed through the roof and crushed him. Tragic! Tragic!

[Brooklyn, 1986; Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne plays in background]

Chris Rock:
[narrating] In every city, people have disasters they need to survive. In Miami, they have hurricanes, in San Francisco, they have earthquakes, and in New York, we had blackouts. You never knew when one was gonna happen, and you didn't want to be on the street when it did.

[New York lights buzz, then a blackout happens, and chaos ensues; indistinct shouting, gunfire, and glass shattering]

Woman:
Look out!

[tires screech and a car crashes]

Mr. Omar:
Hey, Chris. I can't believe this. There's rioting, looting, people are getting killed.

Chris Rock:
I know, it's tragic.

Mr. Omar:
"Tragic"? It's great. Stay up.

Chris Rock:
[runs and sees an explosion and yells in shock] Oh! [knocks on door] Help! Let me in! There's a blackout!

Woman:
Go away, get out of here!

Chris Rock:
[narrating] Next to "We're the Jehovah's Witnesses. Can we have a minute of your time?", "Let me in! There's a blackout!" is the only guarantee somebody will not open a door.

Chris Rock:
[knocks on door] Help! [grunts, but easily opens the apartment door, enters, and closes the door]

Mr. Levine:
[cocks rifle] Hey! [Chris raises his arms] Don't you move a muscle.

Chris Rock:
[narrating] I survived the blackout outside. Now I needed to survive the next worst thing: A white man inside.

’’’Rochelle’’’:
Is it a big deal now?

’’’Sam’’’:
So what they get you here for?