Rescue Me, Season 3

Tommy:
Probie, do you know anything about this chick Garrity's been seeing?

Mike:
No, he's been pretty tight-lipped about it. I know she's older, though.

Franco:
Yeah, how much older?

Mike:
Like a lot older-she was watching Monday Night Football the night they announced John Lennon got shot.

Franco:
Yeah, that was, like, 1980, right? She couldn't have been, like, five years old.

Mike:
She had a bet on the game.

Sheila:
I need you to talk to Damian. I found a box of condoms in his room.

Tommy:
Look, he's almost 18 years old. There's porn all over the internet, okay - hardcore, softcore, midgets blowing sheep. I think he's probably pretty up to date.

Tommy:
Let me get this straight--

Damian:
I'm bangin' my science teacher.

Tommy:
Mrs. Turbody, she's obviously married.

Damian:
No, no actually she's widowed. That's kinda how we connected. You know, the grieving processes, the different stages, blah blah blah.

Tommy:
Blah blah blah.

Damian:
Yeah, I got that from you.

Tommy:
This is some serious stuff. This-- this could scar you for life.

Damian:
Yeah. I sure as hell hope so.

Tommy:
No. Literally, I mean you could end up being my age and still have the mental images from this-- y'know, in the front of your brain.

[Damian cheers]

Tommy:
[trying to convince Damian to stop dating his teacher] Alright, here's the deal. You ever look behind your mom's TV set, where the home entertainment system is and all that stuff is. You ever look behind there?

Damian:
Uh, no.

Tommy:
Well, if you did, you'd see a whole gaggle of wires back there with connections and stuff-- there's inputs and there's outputs, and-- and it's kinda like your interior pleasure center. Like, your brain is wired directly to your penis, okay? So, you have all these inputs and outputs and if you put the wrong input in the wrong output, next thing y'know your brain is sending the wrong signal to your dick and you can get completely screwed up, okay? So it's okay now when you're 18 years old and you're bangin' a hot 38 year old Mrs. Turbody-- but then you can turn into a 45 year old man-- my age, and then all of a sudden you wanna bang... 70 year old broads, okay? You want that, huh?

Damian:
No.

Tommy:
You ever seen your grandmother naked?

Damian:
Hell no.

Tommy:
Well, I'm talkin' about seein' her and wantin' to bang her. You want that?

Janet:
[to Tommy, about their dead son] You know the only thing good outta this? Is that I don't have to watch Connor grow up and turn out exactly like you.

Sheila:
Hey, here comes the cake! [sings] Happy birthday...

Michael:
Shut your hole! Now, I'm warnin' each and everyone of ya right now, anyone who comes up with that happy birthday bullshit, I'm droppin' my pants and taking a leak on this cake and walking the hell outta here.

Tommy:
[After Colleen tells him that she's a born again Christian] So what's the deal with these born again people?

Colleen:
Well, it means that I accept Jesus---

Tommy:
Yeah, yeah, I know all that. I'm talking about when it comes to [whispers] sex.

Colleen:
What?

Tommy:
When it comes to y'know [whispers] sex.

Colleen:
Oh, um, no sex until marriage.

Tommy:
Really? [Colleen nods] Cool I'm in.

Colleen:
But wait don't you wanna know about--

Tommy:
No, I'm good. One other thing, who's your mom datin'?

Colleen:
I can't tell you.

Tommy:
I'm pretty sure there's something in the Bible where Jesus says you should honor your father and your mother, and I think Jesus wants you to tell me who your mom is seein'.

Colleen:
Dad, when you want information you ask first then you offer the bribe. That's how it works, you did it the wrong way around this time.

Tommy:
Duh. I was trying to be nice.

Colleen:
And oh, by the way, you're gonna have to gimme another hundred to keep me from tellin' Mom about you gettin' Katy sick.

Tommy:
Dream on. I'm not givin' you another dime.

Colleen:
Then I'm callin' her right now.

Tommy:
Go ahead. See if I care.

[Colleen walks away, Tommy hears her dialing on the phone]

Tommy:
Ugh! Alright. And you call yourself a Christian. [hands her the money] Unbelievable.

Tommy:
I thought the hot new thing at school was blow jobs?

Colleen:
Blow jobs were so last year, c'mon Dad, catch up.

Katy:
What's a blow job?

Tommy:
Uh, nothin', it's, uh, a hair cut...thing.

Sean:
You know, she looks like my mom.

Tommy:
What did you say?

Sean:
That lady, she, she reminds me of my mom.

Tommy:
Shit.

Jerry:
Your mom is that hot?

Sean:
Oh yeah, oh yeah. I mean, hotter.

Franco:
Really? Your mom has that kind of face? Those lips? That kind of rack?

Sean:
Yeah, well, my mom's rack is a little bigger actually.

Tommy:
Where do you come off mentioning your mom and the word 'rack' in the same sentence?

Sean:
I'm just saying, my mom she's, she's got like a large set of... of uh, you know, she's really...

Tommy:
Enough! Jesus Christ!

Sean:
What?

Tommy:
Goddamnit... I was, I was gonna go over and talk to that chick! Let me correctify that. She's not a chick. In a room full of self-involved, young titless little chicks, she's a woman, okay? A real woman. Probably a very witty and wonderful woman...

Franco:
With a great rack.

Tommy:
The rack was secondary, okay? It doesn't matter now. But the point being, I can't go over there and talk to her now.

Sean:
But why, why not?

Tommy:
Because even if I went over to talk to her and got her to come home with me somehow, and got her to reveal the afore-mentioned great rack, all I would be thinking about is your mom's rack, and how great your mom's rack is. Not that I ever thought of your mom's rack before, but that's all I can think of now! Your mom's rack!

Sean:
Hey, woah. You know what, my mom's married pal, okay?

[Jerry laughs, and Tommy leaves]

Sean:
What?

Franco:
Forbidden fruit, ball face.

Sean:
You mean, like, melons?

Franco:
So, Sean John, you gonna see your new girlfriend tonight?

Sean:
Uh... yeah, maybe, I don't know.

Franco:
Well, which one is it?

Sean:
What?

Tommy:
Yeah? Maybe? I don't know? Pick one.

Sean:
Yeah, yeah.

Franco:
Atta boy, is she good?

Sean:
Yeah, yeah, she's doin' good. She's really good.

Franco:
Nah, nah, nah, nah. I mean, is she good?

Sean:
Uh... that's really, you know, really I'm not so comfortable discussin' that.

Tommy:
Since when?

Franco:
Yeah, I mean we talk about this shit all the time. It's pretty much all we talk about. Does she like it from the back? Hair pulled? Ass smacked?

Sean:
You know what that's a little-- I'm tryin' to be respectful, I respect her-- She's respectable. C'mon, y'know. [pause, all silent]

Tommy:
So, what you're sayin' is that you're pretty much all about... respect now?

Sean:
Yeah, yeah. Y'know, tryin'. [Sean is really uncomfortable and leaves]

Franco:
Jesus, Tom, this is even more fun then you said it would be.

Tommy:
Told you.

Franco:
Kid's dyin' inside.

Franco:
Hey, you talk to T about Maggie yet?

Sean:
No. Oh God, no. He seems kinda raw y'know, after the whole Johnny thing.

Franco:
He seems fine to me.

Sean:
Really?

Franco:
Yeah been laughin', bullshittin' like normal.

Sean:
Really? He was doing this whole bristling thing the other day, and in the kitchen he just threw me this really weird vibe. It kinda freaked me out.

Franco:
He's bristlin'?

Sean:
Yeah.

Franco:
He knows.

Sean:
Oh, shit. Really, ya think?

Franco:
Yeah, you said he was bristling, right?

Sean:
Yeah, well, I don't know, he coulda been stewing.

Franco:
Well, Sean, there's a difference. If he's bristling he defiantly knows. If he's stewing it's up in the air.

Sean:
Shit.

Franco:
Well, maybe he's just waitin' for the right moment to bash your face in and set you on fire.

Sean:
No way, I've been too careful, there's no way that he knows.

Franco:
Ah, Sean. No offense, but being careful for you is like tempting fate for most.

Mrs Turbody:
Listen, I'm gonna need you to go again once I'm done with this cigarette.

Tommy:
Really?

Mrs Turbody:
Oh, yeah. If you're gonna fill in for your nephew you better raise your game. Damian can go 3, 4 times in an hour. Can you keep up the pace or not?

Tommy:
Well, I--I might need a sandwich...Mrs Turbody.

Tommy:
Hey, Garrity. Humpin' around last night?

Sean:
[coughs] What? Humpin' around...uh, no. I was uh, only hump the one--I just--I just uh, make love to the girlfriend.

Tommy:
So you're like a one woman guy now?

Sean:
Yeah, pretty much. Pretty much.

Tommy:
So when are we gonna meet the girlfriend?

Sean:
Meet her? The girlfriend? Uh...she's, uh, soon. I don't know, she works a lot.

Tommy:
Uh-huh.

Sean:
Yeah, yeah. So y'know. Hey, that was some brew-ha-ha the other night, wasn't it? I mean not ha-ha funny just sorta...actually it wasn't funny at all... it was sickening, kinda.

Tommy:
Yeah that's how we settle things in my family, y'know, we're Irish.

Sean:
Yeah, well, hey, please, tell me about it. Garrity.

Tommy:
No, I mean like we're real Irish. Not your generation fake, faggotity Irish. Y'know, what I mean? I know you guys are like 'my feelings' and y'know talk it out. We don't talk it out. We find out who's responsible, then we find the person and we beat the living shit outta them. My grandfather's best friend growin' up, he was friends with this guy for like 40 years and I guess the guy was flirtin' with my grandmother one day--- long story short my grandfather rearranged the guy's face and he can barely talk now.

Sean:
Wow. Well, wha--what did the guy say to your grandma?

Tommy:
Uh, good morning. [Tommy throws down his cigarette and makes Sean step on it] Don't tell anyone about that.

Sean:
Hey, we all make mistakes, right?

Tommy:
What?

Sean:
You say somethin'? [Tommy leaves] I'm a dead man.

Kenny:
[about Mike's copy of The Tao of Pooh] Yeah, whatever. Hand it over.

Mike:
Why?

Kenny:
Because a firehouse is no place for sensitive souls, Probie.

Mike:
You used to write poetry.

Kenny:
Yeah, and it cost me my house, and my wife and a whole lot more so give it over.

Mike:
You can't order me to stop reading.

Kenny:
I'm not. I'm ordering you to stop filling your mind with this bullshit fortune cookie philosophy. You're taking life lessons from a semi-retarded bear, Mikey. And it's not even a real bear. Consider yourself fortunate that you're not burdened by an overactive mind. Stick to cartoons and coloring books.

Mike:
I'm not stupid, y'know, I'm just simple-minded. The book says Pooh's like an uncarved block. Y'know, that's kind of how I feel.

Kenny:
An uncarved block. That's hard to disagree with.

Mike:
You're busting balls, but y'know, Winnie's as simple as they come. He just roams the woods, hangs with his pals, eats some honey, takes a nap. He doesn't care about understanding anything or even himself or the names that people call him. He just is. He accepts things as they are. That's the key to his happiness.

Kenny:
And that's what this is, you're a little depressed about the fact that we're going to keep callin' you the probie. And that is the little problem that caused this little egxtensial life crisis. You don't know problems kid.

Mike:
I'm just starting to realize that nobody's ever gonna have all the answers, y'know? You may think you know everything, but you don't. And you can't. And you never will. So you should just stop trying and life will get a lot easier.

Maggie:
[about Sean] He's not my boyfriend.

Tommy:
Well, he thinks he is.

Maggie:
Listen, Tom, he's a sweet kid, dumb as a box of rocks and not the regular ones, the dumb ones. He's not bad in the sack and that's about all there is to it.

Tommy:
So, you're not serious about him?

Maggie:
Listen Tommy, including Garrity I got about 4 guys in line right now, no five. I just started this thing with the new super in my building. He's a cute Mexican guy, his name is Nacho. Y'know, like the snack.

Tommy:
Yeah, that's cute. He's in love with you, you know.

Maggie:
Nacho?

Tommy:
Not Nacho. Garrity.

Maggie:
Tell me somethin' I don't know. They're all in love with me, Tom. It's like moths to a flame.

Tommy:
[on the phone] Lemme ask you somethin'. When did it start? Was it after Connor died, and I asked you personally, as my brother to look after my own kids and my wife. Is that when it started, huh? Was it like a month, a coupla months, huh? Last week? When did it start?

Johnny:
It was your Junior Prom when you brought Janet home in that dress so Mom and Dad could take pictures of her. She looked amazing in that dress, Tommy.

Sean:
You know what, Tom, this is just you -- being you, y'know, overprotective and thinkin' I'm good enough for your sister.

Tommy:
That is not the issue believe me.

Sean:
Yes it is.

Tommy:
Of course you're good enough for her.

Sean:
Oh, really?

Tommy:
Yeah. And so are the four other guys, the underwear and the sock guys.

Sean:
Oh, very funny. [they get into a shoving match]

Tommy:
My sister.

Sean:
She's my girlfriend! [Sean starts walking away]

Tommy:
And well, one other thing, asshole.

Sean:
What?

Tommy:
Don't tell her I mentioned this stuff to you, alright? Please? Sean?

Bum:
[about who gets to commit suicide first] I'm homeless. I got nothin'! No friends, no family, my life is shit.

Lou:
My life is bigger shit. My wife whom I love dearly left me for another man. She broke my heart and then she took nearly everything I own. Yeah, and then I met another woman, beautiful, young, gorgeous... hooker but one of the good ones because-- because she didn't make me pay until the end. And then at the end she took every penny that I had on Earth. Then get this-- I'm in a porn store the other day and who do I see on the cover of a triple X but her. So, not only is she a thief and a hooker but she's a porn star. I'm a joke, I'm a loser, I look in the mirror and I wanna puke.

Bum:
Be my guest.

Lou:
Excuse me?

Bum:
You win, loser, you can go first.

Lou:
Thanks.

Sheila:
[as Tommy is going to a sperm bank] How do they remove it from you?

Tommy:
The sperm? You know what, I think they go in right above the knee with-- with a little tube and suck the cum right outta your leg. I don't-- what do you think?

Sheila:
No, I mean, do they hook you up to some device or...

Tommy:
Yeah, they have a penis pump. No! I jerk off into--into a cup or y'know a plastic ice cube tray or something, I don't know.

...

Sheila:
Look, I just have a little tiny question for you.

Tommy:
What?

Sheila:
When you're at the sperm bank and you're jerkin' off into a cup, could you, uh, think of me?

Tommy:
Why?

Sheila:
Because if we then decide to use the sperm at a later date to have a child, it would be sorta like we were actually...connected at the moment that it all started.

Alicia:
You know, the first man that a little girl falls in love with is her daddy.

Tommy:
Yeah.

Alicia:
So then when she gets older and she gets married chances are that she's gonna pick somebody, just like her old man.

Tommy:
I'm aware of this theory, and it's a buncha bullshit.

Alicia:
Oh, so you don't have anything in common with your wife's father?

Tommy:
No, nothing.

Alicia:
Oh, nothing.

Tommy:
No, he was in real estate first of all. He was a suit and tie guy he spend his whole life behind a desk and real estate was all he thought about. He got up every mornin' and thought about how to rip people off. He was a selfish, self-centered, greedy, lying, cheating... midget. He was like 5'2. I'm way taller than him, and not funny at all which is one of the things my wife said that she found attractive about me when she met me was that I was funny and her father was not funny.

Ellie:
All these goddamn faggotty politically correct assholes with their goddamn bibles, and their bumper stickers and their girl power bullshit. Nobody's accountable anymore. You get a drunk driver who kills a kid, it's not his fault 'cause he drank, it's his parents fault because they bullied him when he was a kid. I'm so sick of the people not facing up to the facts. Black people like fried foods. Chinese people, lousy goddamn drivers. Mexicans think that a pick-up truck holds 27 goddamn people. And that's just what I think.

Teddy:
Will you marry me?

Sean:
Oh, now I'm an asshole. Why am I an asshole?

Tommy:
You're an asshole because you told Maggie everything that I told you about Fred.

Sean:
Okay, I'm a pussy if I don't say anything to Maggie and now I'm an asshole for openin' my big mouth. You're impossible to please.

Tommy:
You wanna please me? Keep your hands outta my sister's pants. [Sean tries to go after him, but since they're in the truck, he's seatbelted in and can't reach Tommy]

Sean:
She's the best thing that ever happened to me, and you ruined it.

Tommy:
Look, I told you to talk to her, okay? You decided to break up with her. You live with that decision.

Sean:
Yeah, well, you know what? Try this one out. I don't wanna be friends anymore.

Tommy:
Yeah? And?

Sean:
I don't want you to call me. It's over. We're breaking up.

Tommy:
You're--you're break--?

Sean:
Yes.

Tommy:
Hey! You guys listening to this? Garrity's breaking up with me!

Sean:
Yeah, it's over. I don't wanna hear from you, no dinner, no hangin' out, nothin'.

Tommy:
He's breaking up with me. Unbelieveable. Oh my God. Your whole generation. Gay.

Maggie:
You happy? I never thought you of all people would sabotage the least dysfunctional relationship of my entire life.

Tommy:
I wasn't tryin' to sabotage. You're the one who's going out with like six different guys.

Maggie:
No, five and I liked Sean the best. He happens to be very nice and he does everything I say, he's perfect.

Tommy:
Then why are you cheatin' on him?

Maggie:
A zebra can't change its stripes overnight.

Tommy:
[about Mrs. Turbody] I think she might have given me the Big C.

Lou:
Cancer's the Big C. Chlamydia ... little c.

Tommy:
Oh, well, you know what I'm sayin' so, what do you think?

Lou:
I dunno. We're talking about piss filled bladders, we're talking about illicit underage sex scandals--

Tommy:
Which I put an end to by the way.

Lou:
---with teachers and students and uncles and nephews, we're talking about fire-breathing cocks, I mean, to be honest with you, all of a sudden, I don't know why, but y'know, I feel a little bit better about my life.

Tommy:
Well, I'm glad I could help you feel better.

Lou:
Well, I don't know what to tell you, I mean you're the only man in the tri-state area who shares a case of chlamydia with three teenage boys ... non clergy, of course.

Sean:
Lou, I need some ibuprofens you guys got any?

Tommy:
That's interesting because I have a whole giant bottle of ibuprofens just sitting up in my locker waiting to be taken.

Sean:
Really? Well, could I have some?

Tommy:
Nope, it's for me and my friends.

Sean:
Okay, can we be friends again, please?

Tommy:
Nope. You broke up with me, it's not that easy for me to recover.

Sean:
Come on, Tom. I'm in pain.

Tommy:
Yeah, well, I'm in pain too, okay? Emotional pain.

Sean:
Really?

Tommy:
Yep. I was very, very hurt.

Sean:
[sleepwalking, after taking the wrong pill from Tommy]: Hey bro, you need to lose like 75 pounds. Seriously. If I have to carry you out of a fire, it's gonna be slow going.

Sean:
[sleepwalking] Hey, whatcha writin' there?

Cop:
A ticket.

Sean:
Whoa, you can write those?

Cop:
Yeah.

Sean:
Can you do me a favor and write me two U2 tickets at the Garden? I love you U2. Two, my mom and my sister, my mom loves Bono because of the whole world hunger thing... actually, my mom--will you write us 12?

Janet:
Colleen called her teacher a bitch and slapped one of her classmates, so they want her to see a counselor, I think it has to do with Connor and you not being around any more.

Tommy:
You're right. It has nothing to do with the fact that you're sleeping with and living with her uncle.

Tommy:
That's because they're real tits, Franco, that's what real tits look like, okay? Johnny Giant fake boob.

Franco:
Well, excuse me for being an American, I like to suck on big tits, okay?

Tommy:
Now it's a political issue. I'm a terrorist because I like real tits?

Maggie:
What's going on with the getting me all excited front?

Sean:
Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. How 'bout we like go back to your apartment and I get you excited in another way, in a way that doesn't involve me getting punched in the kidneys. [a big guy walks by them]

Maggie:
Did you hear that? That guy just called me a whore.

Sean:
Uh, no I missed that.

Maggie:
You just called me a whore didn't you, asshole?

Guy:
[turns around] Excuse me?

Sean:
Oh, it was me, sometimes I just do that I--

Guy:
You got a problem, asshole?

Sean:
God, with you, come on. No, what're you crazy? [looks towards a smaller guy] No this guy--did he?

Maggie:
No definitely him, [points to the big guy, then the little guy] not him.

Sean:
No, you're wrong. It was this guy. [to the smaller guy] Did you just call my lady friend a whore?

Little Guy:
Get away from me.

Sean:
Y'know what I think he did. What're you a tough guy? [he sprays Sean with mace, who falls to the ground]

Little guy:
Whose the tough guy now?! [rides off on his bike]

Maggie:
Jesus, Sean, this is so embarrassing. You need to grow up. It's like you've never been sprayed in the eyes with mace before.

Sean:
We're supposed to go out again tonight, I mean, I wanna make her happy but I gotta figure out a way to fight some guys where I'm not gonna get hurt.

Lou:
Just guys?

Sean:
Yeah, just guys, for now. I mean, I'm sure I'll fight some chicks in a coupla weeks but for now, just guys.

Franco:
What about guys with one leg?

Mike:
Or no legs.

Tommy:
Midgets.

Mike:
Midgets with no legs.

Tommy:
Ah, too hard to find.

Angie:
I have a lot of cop friends back from when Johnny and I were married. I heard about the two of you. You've been a busy girl.

Janet:
No busier than you.

Angie:
Oh, you mean me and Tommy? That's such a big surprise for me, I mean he was never really my type. Then I bumped into him a coupla weeks--

Janet:
You actually think that I believe this bullshit?

Angie:
Oh, why? I'm not good enough for Tommy?

Janet':
That is not it, Angie.

Angie:
Oh, yeah I think it is.

Janet:
Well, it's not. Look, we were never close, and frankly I never liked you.

Angie:
Really?

Janet:
Yeah. But then you did one thing that I could never do. You broke free. You got away from the neighborhood and all the petty family bullshit. You broke away and started a whole new life for yourself. And I respected you for that so much, but now here you are all dressed up, dead center in a pile of shit. Welcome home, Angie.

Angie:
Oh, no I already got my welcome home when I made it with your husband. Don't worry about those frown lines, sweetie. Just keep smiling no one's gonna notice.

Chief Reilly:
Well, look at 'ya now, just pushin' the pencil, runnin' all over the city makin' sure good guys like my crew here aren't rubbing one off on the city's dime.

Flinn:
I'm just doin' what I'm told.

Chief:
Yeah, and there's a lotta honor in that ain't there, Flinn? (pushes him up against the lockers) You can take your little clipboard and go back downtown, back to headquarters and you tell who ever it was that sent you up here that they can kiss my white Irish ass. This is the best group of guys I've ever had the honor of serving with. These guys are gold when it comes to people's lives and protecting their property, not to mention the five names on that plaque on that wall out there. Guys that went into those two towers on that day and never came back. So, within the sacred confines of these four walls that they should look at something else other than that shit, that's fine with me. They wanna smoke, they wanna jerk off, they wanna shove potato chips up their ass, I don't give a shit as long as they keep gettin' on that rig and goin' out the door and savin' lives, I'll back 'em up.

Flinn:
[looking over towards his guys] What've we got?

Guy:
There's no porn, sir. No tapes, no magazines.

Chief Reilly:
I'm sorry that it was a wasted trip, now get outta my goddamn quarters.

Flinn:
[to his guys] Let's go.

Chief Reilly:
Make sure down at headquarters you tell 'em Chief Jerry Reilly from the 15th battalion. [After the guys leave, everyone claps] Cut it out, cut it out.

Lou:
Nicely done, Chief. Now, lemme ask you a question: Did you really mean what you said about us being able to smoke and jerk off and everything?

Chief Reilly:
Why of course.

Lou:
Good, because there's a bag of potato chips in the kitchen with my ass' name all over it.

Sheila:
[After drugging Tommy in order to rape him because he slept with Angie] I understand the need for revenge. I understand envy and heavy jealousy. But... why would she want to hurt me?

Tommy:
[After Lou explains his epiphany] That still doesn't explain why you were in my toilet manscaping.

Tommy:
You know who else had an epiphany, once? Hitler. Everybody woke up and all of a sudden there were no more bagels and cream cheese available in downtown Berlin, not to mention lox pastrami sandwiches.

Sean:
Alright, Maggie, what's it gonna take for you to feel loved? What, you wanna get married? You wanna live happily ever aft--

Maggie:
Yeah.

Sean:
What? What did you just say?

Maggie:
You asked me to marry you, I'm sayin' "yes."

Sean:
No, I meant when you said that--

Maggie:
What, now you don't wanna get married?

Sean:
No, I guess--

Maggie:
We've only been engaged 15 seconds and you're already getting cold feet.

Sean:
I guess we could get married. I mean I love you, and I'm pretty sure that you love me, even though you've never actually said it.

Sean:
It concerns me and Maggie.

Lou:
You killed her.

Sean:
No, quite the opposite. We are gettin' married.

Lou:
So you'll kill her in like three years.

Sean:
No, come on, why can't you guys be happy for me? This is such a big deal [goes over and hugs, then kisses Tommy's cheek] we're gonna be bro's!

Tommy:
Hey, hey, get off of me.

Chief Reilly:
Come on, this game is nuts now.

Franco:
Now you know why Puerto Ricans don't play hockey.

Sean:
Why's that?

Franco:
Well, we'd all be carryin' knives it'd be a blood bath.

Maggie:
Not to mention all the hubcaps that would be stolen off of the Zamboni.

Sean:
I uh…the thing is-- see my family, they raised me right... I think. I wanted to do this respectfully and so uh…that's why I'm here Mr. Gavin. To ask you most sincerely and most... some other word for um... your daughter, Maggie's hand in marriage.

Michael Gavin:
Are you retarded?

[Over at the table, Maggie and Lou are listening]

Maggie:
[whispers] I can't believe Tommy's missing this.

Lou:
[whispers] I'm taking notes.

Sean:
I mean, I had some reading comprehension problems in school and I had to take the SAT's like 11 times and I still didn't pass---

Michael Gavin:
What's the point of asking me for her hand in marriage when you've already asked her for it?

Sean:
That's a good point. That's a good point, Dad. Is it too early for me to call you that?

Michael Gavin:
I don't know, is it too early for me to call you asshole? [at the table Lou laughs and writes that down for the notes] You do realize that she is a blood-sucking, hell bitch.

Maggie:
What?!

Michael Gavin:
This is a private conversation.

Maggie:
You see these shoes? These are gonna go right up your ass old man.

Michael Gavin:
[to Sean] You see how she talks to me? And I'm her father. Imagine what she'll say to you.

Sean:
I don't have to imagine.

Michael Gavin:
Now, you seem like a pretty nice kid, a little slow but nice. You see that door right over there? Use it and never look back.

Maggie:
That's it. You're not invited to the wedding. No invitation for you.

Michael Gavin:
Yeah, well what about the wedding after this one? Am I banned from that one too?

Johnny:
I'm here because um...y'know, I didn't want you findin' out from somebody else. Janet's pregnant. It wasn't planned, y'know, it just happened. It is what it is and we're happy. Obviously we don't know what the sex of the child is yet, but look on the upside, Tommy, if--if it's a boy, then dad can stop with that whole male heir bullshit thing that he keeps talkin' about. Okay, Tommy?

Tommy:
You--You're askin' me if it's okay?

Johnny:
Yeah.

Tommy:
[pause and stares at him] Congratulations.

Sean:
For your information Chris was just here. He told me everything.

Mike:
Chris was just here?

Sean:
That's right, I mean we're such good friends, I mean when were you gonna tell me about it?

Mike:
Never.

Sean:
Asshole.

Mike:
I was confused.

Sean:
Alright, well, now I'm confused too. Why didn't you just talk to me, maybe I'd have gone the same way.

Mike:
Get outta here.

Sean:
Yeah, bro. I like to keep it fresh. I like to try new things. Try new positions, switch hit. How could you go behind our backs and do this?

Mike:
Sean you gotta know the truth. It-- it was just Chris.

Sean:
Oh, don't pin this on him.

Mike:
But it was him. He gave me like a half a dozen blow jobs, and it was always him goin' down on me. I never kissed him or slept with him, it was just the blow jobs I swear.

[Sean looks shocked and backs away]

Sean:
Okay, what're we talkin' about here?

Mike:
What Chris told you.

Sean:
All Chris told me was about this transfer order-- Holy shit!

Mike:
Sean, please just don't tell anybody.

[Lou walks in]

Sean:
Mike's gay!

Lou:
Oh, hell I knew that.

Mike:
Chris talked to you too?

Lou:
Who's Chris?

Sean:
Chris is his lover man-- guy.

Mike:
I can explain, Lou. Just please don't let anybody else know.

[Franco walks in]

Franco:
Know what?

Lou:
Mike's gay.

Franco:
Yeah tell me something I don't know. [looks up from his book] Oh, you mean gay, gay.

Mike:
Every morning I'd pass by the construction guys out there on my way to work and there was this one guy-- Chris and I noticed him a couple of times. And one day, when I was passin' by, he sorta like smiled at me.

Sean:
Okay, I think I'm gonna puke.

Mike:
Well, it freaked me out too. Every morning he'd gimme this like smile. And one day when I stepped out and he wasn't there--

Lou:
Did you check the end of your cock? [everyone laughs]

Chief Reilly:
Lou, let him talk. Go ahead, kid.

Mike:
And he was gone and I sorta liked missed him.

Tommy:
Alright, my balls just went up behind my lungs.

Mike:
I don't know how to describe the way I was feeling. Y'know, he was a nice guy... and-- and, we started talkin' and I guess I was like lonely or something and I moved into his place and it was great at first... then it got weird.

Franco:
And then it got weird, because I was wonderin' when that was gonna kick in.

Mike:
And he was into me that way, and that's when the blow jobs started... and it freaked me out at first. Yeah, and I knew it wasn't right for me--- he's gone, I'm not with him. I-I-I left, it's over, and that's the whole story.

Sean:
Bullshit, Mikey. What about the transfer?

Mike:
I filled the form out but I never turned it in, did I?

Sean:
Oh, cut the shit, Mike, you already got your new house all picked out.

Chief Reilly:
How do you know that?

Sean:
Because he's playin' for their softball team.

Mike:
What?

Sean:
Yeah, your boyfriend Chris, he told me that you were battin' for the other team. edit »

Franco:
I don't want him showerin' with us that's for sure. It's nothing personal, Mike. I just don't need you starin' at my hang down like it's an a la carte special at the Chez Homo.

Sean:
Yeah, and I don't wanna know about your new boyfriends, or your new clothes, or nights out at the disco, or Liza Minnelli, or ass toys. It's off limits from now on.

Mike:
I'm not gay. I didn't do anything sexual to him. I'm totally into chicks, and I'm seein' this girl over the past coupla weeks--

Franco:
Yeah. A girl named Dave.

Mike:
Y'know, if this is how it's gonna be, if I can't make a little mistake in my personal life then maybe I should transfer.

Tommy:
Hey, hey, kid come here. Guys, better or worse, I think we all consider ourselves a family here, correct? Now whether, Mike's a fag. Sorry, Mike. Or not he's, he's part of that family, correct? I think y'know, as a firefighter he's been startin' to pull his own weight. Y'know and maybe he acts a little faggy from time to time. Sorry, Mike. But y'know, in the shit he's been learnin', he's been performin', y'know Johnny Stack would not be alive today if it wasn't for Mikey. Now, as far as it goes in the house, I trust the kid, y'know, I feel like if I'm stuck somewhere on the job, I feel like he's got me, y'know, he's got me-- covered. Come here kid. [they hug] I got no problem with this.

Lou:
[whispers] Ten bucks says Mikey's hard.

Tommy:
I heard that.

Bartender:
For a glass that's gonna cost you about a c-note, you're certainly drinkin' it pretty fast there, pal.

Tommy:
Well, you would to if you only had about two dollars and seventy-five cents if your pocket.

Tommy:
[showing his scars to people at a bar, proving he's FDNY, while drinking expensive whiskey he can't pay for] See, that? See, that, huh? I got that 12 stories up in a raging inferno up in Harlem. In an apartment, lookin' around I lost my halgen, couldn't find it. But I did find someone's grandmother. I had to hand her out in a bucket to save her, had to punch my way through a window. She died about an hour later. See that one? Take a look at that one. That was a drunken asshole up in the Bronx he fell asleep smoking in bed, well, he started the fire. He was trying to crawl out, I brought him down, I was trading my mask off with him coming down the stairs, the stairs give way and I fall through a half of story on to these metal spikes. He lived, but four kids and their mom died. I knew, 60 guys, who died on 9-11. And you know what the funny part is? I betcha 'ya, all the people in this bar, you could name five finalist from American Idol but they can't name one, one name of the 343 men who gave their lives from the FDNY on 9-11, huh. Anybody got a name? One name, huh? Anybody got a name of a dead fireman, huh? No, nobody, didn't think so. I don't have any money because my wallet and my badge were inside my new truck which got stolen this morning. My wife's pregnant, she's gonna have a baby. But we don't know who's it is because she's having sex with me and my brother. My uncle's in the joint because last year he shot my---this drunk driver that killed my only son and I just saw my son on a crosstown bus right in front of this place like three minutes ago. [Bartender gives Tommy the whole bottle of the expensive Irish whiskey]

Franco:
He's retarded.

Lou:
Like Rain Man retarded or Paris Hilton retarded?

Franco:
Well, he can function, like Paris, he can go to the bathroom on his own which I assume Paris can do. He's pretty good with numbers, I'm not sayin' that the guy can count toothpicks off of the floor or anything and you know, he eats things.

Lou:
Hey, hey now there's nothing retarded about that.

Franco:
No, I'm not talkin' bout food things, Lou. I'm talking about actual things shit that's layin' around the room. Checkers, paper clips, erasers, pen caps, the guys small intestine must have a silver lining.

Lou:
Well, you know how they talk about retards having like what's it called retard strength?

Sean:
What're you lookin' at me for?

Lou:
Well, maybe that's what Richard the retard has except all of his power is concentrated in his digestive track.

Franco:
The thing is that I really wanna make a good impression with Nat, so I figured I take the guy to a ballgame.

Sean:
Yeah, hey that's a good idea. A nice chance to bond.

Lou:
Yeah, that should work out real nice, you know, assuming he doesn't eat the tickets before you get to the gate.

Tommy:
So, what're you? You a Muslim?

Taxi Driver:
Yeah.

Tommy:
So what, you believe that you die and you go to heaven and you get what? Seventy...seven virgins?

Taxi Driver:
Seventy-two.

Tommy:
Seventy-two, right. I mean...what's the point of that? If you think about it...I mean, virgins? When you go to heaven, I mean wouldn't you rather have whores?

Taxi Driver:
You think that there are whores in heaven? There are no whores in heaven.

Tommy:
I mean, I would prefer that if I went to heaven I would get seventy-seven---

Taxi Driver:
Seventy-two.

Tommy:
Okay. Seventy-two...whores. Chicks that know something, chicks that know how to blow 'ya---chicks that know tricks.

Taxi Driver:
Lemme ask you somethin'--

Tommy:
What? What?

Taxi Driver:
What are you...religion wise.

Tommy:
I'm nothing. I'm a lapsed Catholic.

Taxi Driver:
Well, my friend, you're going to hell, okay?

Tommy:
I'd rather go to hell with seventy-seven---

Taxi Driver:
Seventy-two. Seventy-two!

Tommy:
Okay, two-thousand whores! Three thousand whores and Babe Ruth and John Lennon and Elvis Presley, take me to hell. Jesus.

Janet:
Why didn't you listen to me?

Tommy:
When?

Janet:
Six years ago when I asked you to spend more time with the kids, to spend more time at home, to spend more time with me. All you had to do was to listen to me! All that was required was that you hear the words!

Tommy:
I heard the words, okay. I quit drinking, I quit my third job, I was home every Saturday.

Janet:
No, you were always playing softball every Saturday during the summer. All winter you played hockey, all spring, all fall, and the only reason that you quit drinking was because Lou said to you that the chief said something to him---

Tommy:
That wasn't the only reason.

Janet:
--- not because of me! Not because of the kids! Goddammit, Tommy! [she grabs his coat and shakes him and starts hitting him] All you had to do was listen!

Tommy:
[pinning her against the wall] Goddammit, stop! Are you gonna tell me that simply because I didn't listen well enough that you have ruined my life so far beyond what I could ever imagine? And that's why, because I didn't listen hard enough, and that's why, you're sucking my brother's cock?

Janet:
Goddammit, Tommy, he was there when I needed someone I was scared shitless -- I just buried my only son.

Tommy:
So did I.

Janet:
And what did you need, Tommy?

Tommy:
Ah, Goddammit! What did I need--

Janet:
You know, I needed you! The old you. I needed someone to hold me in my bed at night when I cried. I needed someone to help me after I was done helping the girls wipe away their tears. But, the old you? He was gone. He's buried, with all of your lost brothers and you know what? You can tell all of your lost brothers to go to hell because we're here, and they're not.

Tommy:
Tell me that she is not a nun. Tell me that, she was wearing a nun costume like her French maid costume was at the dry cleaners or somethin', right?

Lou:
[sighs] Okay. Your confusion is expected as was this conversation. What the mind sees is sometimes not which is real but the reality that is brought to it.

Tommy:
Really?

Lou:
I'm brushing up on Buddhism. The Buddhist approach to things. Ask yourself this Tommy: If a tree falls in the forest... [Lou opens up a book. Tommy takes Lou's book and throws it out the window] ...and there's no one there to see it or hear it, would you still be such an asshole? Actually, you might've done me a favor there by discarding one of my possessions. That's part of the path to enlightenment.

Tommy:
Okay, my foot is about to take the enlightened path up your ass. Is she a nun or is she not a nun?

Lou:
She's a semi-nun.

Tommy:
She's a semi-nun, what does that mean? She's in the Nun National Guard, huh? What, She's the bride of Christ one weekend a month? What the hell's that mean?!

Lou:
Why don't you sit down and calm yourself and I'll make us some green tea. And we will talk.

Tommy:
I'm not sitting with you and doing anything, okay? You have crossed a boundary my friend.

Lou:
You have boundaries?

Tommy:
I have one boundary Lou. One boundary and one boundary only, and that is no sex with nuns in the place where I live.

Lou:
She's a nun until the end of the month, okay? She's leaving the order, they know all about it. She's trying to spend a few days, every week, out of the convent trying to adjust.

Tommy:
Trying to adjust what, her vagina?

Lou:
She's living under their roof for a couple more weeks, she has to abide by their rules...This could be really big for me Tommy.

Tommy:
Oh, I'm sure--sure it is. A nun, what's bigger than a nun? A saint?

Lou:
You know, I've got a chance here. She's only been with two guys, one was some clown back in high school and the other was, you know, Jesus.

Tommy:
Yeah, Jesus, our lord and savior who died for our sins, that Jesus, right?

Lou:
Yeah but word on the street is that I was created in his image, you know. There are those people that say, that I too move in mysterious ways.

Tommy:
Uh huh. And technically she's still married to him so that means she's cheating on the son of God with you!

Lou:
I got 100 pounds on the guy, and look no holes in my hands. Bring it on Jesus!

Tommy:
Okay, you just crossed the second boundary, I--I need to lay down. [clutching his chest] What is that smell? It is either the kitchen or I think you might have actually burned a hole in my soul...oh yeah that is it, uh, oh yeah...right through the middle of the soul.

Sean:
I'm getting the feeling we're not on the same page here about this wedding.

Maggie:
No, I'm getting the feeling we're not in the same book.

Sean:
Okay, well, I'll do it how ever you want, but what's important to me is that we're standing there taking our vows in the eyes of God, alright?

Maggie:
Where in the eyes of God?

Sean:
Where do you think, Maggie? In a church, alright? In his house.

Maggie:
Can't God come to our house?

Sean:
Maggie, please, can't you do this for me and my folks?

Maggie:
I'm no good in churches, Sean. They creep me out. All those statues looking down on me, judging, knowing all the dirty, promiscuous, unprotected sex I've had.

Maggie:
[in a church] I'm having a nicotine kick, I walk into any holy building and my body chemistry goes completely ape shit.

Sean:
Don't swear in here.

Maggie:
Ape shit is not a swear word. It's a zoological term.

...

Maggie:
Can I smoke in here?

Sean:
Maggie!

Maggie:
What? He walks around burning incense all day, what's a little more smoke gonna do, right Sean? Right, Danny? [Maggie lights the cigarette]

Priest:
Uh-uh, there's no smoking in here. [he hands her a tray and she puts the cigarette on it]

Maggie:
[to Sean] He's probably gonna smoke that when we leave.

Sean:
Okay, could you cut it out, please? Jesus. [to Priest] Ooh, sorry.

Priest:
The two of you haven't come here on a dare, have you?

Sean:
No, no, seriously father, please…ignore my fiancée she's having some issues with the church and you know, we're working them out…in counseling. Uh, yes, marriage, Catholic issue counseling. It's really very helpful.

Priest:
I see. And where are you receiving this counseling?

Maggie:
Uh, Murphy's Pub on 48th.

Priest:
Okay, I think we're done here. Should, you uh, find a church that's willing to marry you, I wanna wish you both the best of luck.

Maggie:
How dare you walk out on us you sanctimonious tool. You have no idea how important this is to him.

Priest:
I assisted during an exorcism in a small village outside Nairobi in 1977, or did we meet somewhere else?

Maggie:
You just ain't returnin' any of my calls, and that ain't very polite.

Sean:
Yeah, well, you're the expert on polite. Wait, no, you're not.

Maggie:
I got you a present.

Sean:
[looks in the bag] Two avocados?

Maggie:
Yeah, well, I was tryin' to come up with a peace offering, so I thought I'd bake you a cake or something only I don't know how to cook or any of that shit, so I thought I'd go to the store and buy you a cake only they're too expensive and I can't go to my bakery because I told the guy that his cannolis tasted like cat piss. So I got the avocados, I think they're ripe.

Sean:
Well, I talked to Father Dan, or well tried to. It turns out that we have been banned from getting married anywhere near the Diocese, much less in it.

Maggie:
Well, Sean, I'm sorry, I really am. Can you not hear me say it? I'm sorry. Maggie Gavin is saying she's sorry. She must really be in love, huh? She is, Sean, in letters eight miles high.

Sean:
You know, Maggie, yesterday after your performance with the priest I went home and I was really upset and I was thinkin' about you and I threw up. And I thought to myself, well maybe I'm not the smartest guy on the planet, but maybe you shouldn't get married to someone who actually makes you throw up, okay? I don't like to puke. It's not gonna work. [hands her the avocados and walks away]

Maggie:
Sean. Sean. You're making me cry. You're such an asshole!

Lou:
Jesus Christ, he is now officially two hours overdue. I mean, this is unheard of. Jerry is never late.

Franco:
Still gettin' Tommy's voice mail. Called him at home, the machine is full.

Lou:
He was in the shower when I left this morning.

Mike:
Maybe he like slipped and knocked himself out.

Lou:
You know, the way that his life's been goin' that would be an improvement.

Franco:
What do you wanna do, Lou?

Lou:
What do I wanna do? What does Lou wanna do? Lou wants to sit here with a box of doughnuts and watch Frankenstein. That's what Lou wants to do. Although, that combination usually leads to a jerk off session so Lou will just stand here and worry.

Lou:
You know, how would you rather go out? Lying there burnt up like Stack in some hospital bed. They come in and take you, bit by bit. Like you're a goddamn Mr. Potato Head. Or like Jerry? Bangin' away, free as a bird, his cock as hard as a shovel, huh? Mr. Potato Head style or cock like a shovel? Well?

Tommy:
I'm thinking. [pauses] Shovel cock.

Lou:
Huh?

Tommy:
Shovel cock!

Lou:
That's my boy.

Sean:
Hey chief, do you wanna break this window?

Chief Reilly:
Nah, this is beveled glass. He'll shit if we break this.

Sean:
What about this one?

Chief Reilly:
Nah, that's a storm window. I'll tell you what - we were down at the track last week. The guy owes me forty bucks, so let's see if we can find a forty dollar window.

[Franco and Sean put a chair through Jerry's back door window]

Funeral Director:
This one is considered the Mercedes-Benz of caskets.

Lou:
And how much?

Funeral Director:
Fifteen thousand.

Lou:
And the cemetery fees, the cost of embalming, and the wake and all of that...

Funeral Director:
I'd have to sit down in front of the computer.

Lou:
Ballpark.

Funeral Director:
About forty thousand dollars.

Lou:
Jesus, it'd be cheaper to buy a used Mercedes and put him in the trunk and drive him off of a goddamn bridge. Tommy, what do you think?

RoseMary:
Listen, it's all about sex and laughing, right? We can all die tomorrow, happy is the key. You gotta be happy.

Tommy:
Nice speech.

RoseMary:
You know where I first heard that speech?

Tommy:
Where?

RoseMary:
From you. After all that they put me through, mom and dad, you know how that made me feel. You gave me that speech, you opened up my eyes, you opened up my ears, Tommy. You made it seem so clear cut. [hugs him] Thank you.

Lou:
H.Q. I told them that we don't have a Chief, and they said that they sent somebody.

Tommy:
It must've been Izzy, right?

Lou:
No, it's not Izzy, he's got his own crew to deal with. Same with Needles. They tell me this guy... (looks at his paper) Tell me, how do you pronounce this? P-E-C-H-E-R.

Tommy:
You've gotta be kiddin' me. It's gold.

Lou:
It's 'pecker', right?

Tommy:
This is like shootin' fish is a goddamn barrel. You've got so many options here.

Lou:
Yeah, if he's an asshole, you've got peck-a-wood, peck-a-head.

Tommy:
Yeah, and if he's good lookin', Gregory Pecker.

Lou:
And if he's black... you've got Black 'n Pecker.

Tommy:
There you go.

Tommy:
[looking at a 9/11 Memorial] It's hard to believe it's been five years, man.

Franco:
Yeah I saw a thing about this in the Times, the picture didn't do it justice.

Lou:
You realize the only reason this is here, is because firefighters and regular people, wanted to honor the guys we lost. There were no politicians involved.

Tommy:
No. The Chief of the Department, did I tell ya, when they did the unveiling... his speech, he said "All we got was empty promises from empty suits."

Lou:
You know I feel for those families over there. Waiting for a memorial for their loved ones, we already got ours.

Tommy:
You know, the guys from this house, they lost a lot of brothers that day... they wrote on the back of this thing, they put personal prayers, put personal notes, and remembrances, of all the brothers they lost that day... and then they sealed it up so that nobody will ever be able to read what they wrote.

Lou:
That's the way it should be, it stays between brothers.

Franco:
Each other is all we got, right.

Mike:
Why'd you have to tell everybody? Asshole.

Sean:
It's not my fault, asshole. It's your fault. You went outta bounds, alright. You bang some chick that's fine. But if you bang a brother-sister combo deal, I am required by law to share that.

Tommy:
[coming up with a plan about the baby] Alright, so you know what we do, we pretend that we're together, and when the baby's born I'll help you raise it, and if it's a boy, grand slam because that solves my dad's problem with the male heir thing...

Janet:
Okay, and what if the baby looks like Johnny? [Tommy scoffs] What?

Tommy:
Like that's a possibility.

Janet:
Uh, yeah.

Tommy:
Both of Angie's kids look just like Angie, okay? Nothing like Johnny, okay? My sperm versus Johnny's sperm, are you kiddin' me?

Janet:
Oh my gosh... okay.

Tommy:
My sperm are like... they have ant strength, they can lift other sperm outta the way, okay?

Katy:
Wait, um, what's sperm? [Tommy looks to Janet who throws her hands up in the air at him]

Tommy:
It's -- It's, uh food. It's like uh, Spam, except it has more... protein and it's hard to find in the store. Now get outta here.

Katy:
Well, I thought it was the stuff that came out of a man's penis during intercourse.