Doctor:
Sorry for the wait, Mr. Lawson. We got your results and I'd better be quick because you only have about 34 seconds to live.
Mr. Lawson:
So I was --
Doctor:
Excuse me.
Mr. Lawson:
Did you say --
Doctor:
34 seconds. Starting...now!
Mr. Lawson:
Are you saying I'm gonna die?
Doctor:
Oh, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, what you have is much worse than death. It's sorta like...death squared. It's called "Consta-Death."
Mr. Lawson:
Consta-Death?
Doctor:
Oh, you've heard of it.
Mr. Lawson:
Not really.
Doctor:
Oh. Well, Consta-Death, you'll be dying once every few seconds for the rest of your life.
Mr. Lawson:
So I will be alive?
Doctor:
Not exactly. The only treatment is to pledge eternal division to my proprietary genetic hybrid of Hinduism and cheese. It's medicinal reincarnation therapy.
Mr. Lawson:
I'm lactose intolerant.
Doctor:
It doesn't matter. Just pled eternal devotion to it -- Quick!
Mr. Lawson:
Okay, okay! How?
Doctor:
Sign here. Hurry! Chim, chim! Chop-chop! Now!
[After signing the contract for his death, Mr. Lawson's head turns into a cheetah and many other kind of animals]
Mr. Lawson:
Uh...wow. Uh, uh...
Doctor:
Well, your new faith is up and running. How do you feel?
Mr. Lawson:
It feels a little weird, but --
[turns into a duck]
Mr. Lawson:
It beats being white.
[laugh track that comes out of nowhere]
