Everybody Loves Raymond

Frank Barone:
Whatever helps you sleep at night, Peaches.

[after the twins have knocked his golf clubs down the stairs]

Ray Barone:
Yeah... you won't be smiling when we send you a postcard from Disneyland.

[Ray is trying to seem manly to a friend]

Ray Barone:
[to Debra] Let's try and get it spot free. This isn't like at home where I let that stuff slide.

Debra Barone:
Honey, show daddy what you drew.

Ray Barone:
That's okay, I can figure it out. [Ally hands Ray a drawing] Um, lets see. A big wall of red?

Ally Barone:
No.

Debra Barone:
Ally told me that was a picture of you in hell.

Ray Barone:
This coming from the guy who once threw his shoe at a swan.

Frank Barone:
It's called protecting your sandwich!

Ray Barone:
I wish I were Einstein cause then I'd invent a time machine and go back to when you were nice.

Ray Barone:
You can't create fate cause then its not fate, its voodoo.

Debra Barone:
You know what, I'm tired! Could you just call yourself an idiot?

Marie Barone:
He hates it when I cry. It reminds him of our wedding night.

Robert Barone:
I'm a cop and live with my parents. I'm on a constant diet of human suffering.

Frank Barone:
'Luck' is the residue of good planning.

[repeated line]

Frank Barone:
Holy crap!

Debra Barone:
Ok, you know what? I'm tired of this. I'd rather be normal than this. [imitates Marie] Ooh, dear how are you. Frosting in a can, so much easier than homemade. Look in that refrigerator. Whoa, smells like there wasn't anything good in here for a while. [imitates Frank] Time for desert. Holy crap. I'm not listening anymore, doo dah, doo dah... [imitates Robert] Oh, everything's turning out perfect for Raymond. [increasingly frustrated] Oh, lucky Raymond. Everybody loves Raymond. EVERYBODY loves Raymond. EVERYBODY LOVES Raymond. EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND!

[everybody laughs]

Robert Barone:
Do me, now.

Frank Barone:
What in the holy name of crap are you talking about?

Marie Barone:
Frank do you love me?

Frank Barone:
YOU STILL NEED REASSURANCE, AFTER 45 YEARS OF BONDAGE?

[about Debra's dad's new girlfriend]

Ray Barone:
Well, usually guys his age go for younger women. Instead of going for somebody younger he went for somebody different.

Debra Barone:
Ray!

Ray Barone:
I meant... No! I mean, I always say the opposite phrases of what I say. Like, just this morning I told Debra "I'm soup, can I get some hungry?" [laughs nervously]

[Debra's mom leaves, Debra looks at Ray menacingly and goes after her mother]

Ray Barone:
Oh, man...

Frank Barone:
Kill is going to Debra you.

Frank Barone:
You know, Robert gets the jealousy thing from me.

Ray Barone:
Oh, yeah?

Frank Barone:
Yeah, one time I drove my fist through a Cadillac, on account of your mother.

Ray Barone:
Really?

Frank Barone:
Yeah. She started talking about marriage, and I told her to go to hell. I remember hearing through the grapevine, that your mother was going to have dinner at Chuck Pacarello's. Now, your mother's cooking, that's something... special. And, I figured, she was only gonna cook like that for me. So, I went to Chuck Pacarello's and punched the headlights off of his car. I spent the night in the hospital, picking glass out of my arm.

Ray Barone:
Wow, dad, I never thought there was a story like that behind you and mom. It's almost romantic.

Frank Barone:
Yeah, I know. I don't tell that story a lot, though.

Ray Barone:
How come?

Frank Barone:
Because it doesn't have a happy ending.

Marie:
[after walking in on Robert flashing Ray] I remember it from the tub.

Frank Barone:
Chuck Pacarello? Where the hell is he? That son of a b*tch owes me. I'm serving his life sentence!

Marie Barone:
You're giving him back that money!

Frank Barone:
Like hell, I am! I want to teach him a lesson. You up the stakes, you lose a lot. You play with matches and you get burned. [sticks check in front of Raymond] AND, THANK YOU, COME AGAIN!

Ray Barone:
[after talking to his parents] You know, it's amazing I can function at all.

Ray Barone:
Shouldn't you be yelling at me, or something?

Debra Barone:
Ray, when you're on the Titanic you lower the lifeboats. You don't stop to yell at the iceberg.

Frank Barone:
[to Ray] You're even dumber than I tell people.

[Frank is eating lasagna from the platter]

Marie Barone:
Frank! What are you doing? You can't eat it from there! Your fork was in there! Now nobody can eat it!

Frank Barone:
That's all I have to do? In that case, the fork's been in the ice cream, too!

Ray Barone:
[comes in] Hey.

Marie Barone:
Hi, Raymond. Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat? Only you can't have lasagna... Or ice cream.

Frank Barone:
[sticks his fork in cake] Or chocolate cake.

Marie Barone:
Look at him! He's like an animal, marking his territory! [Frank sticks Marie with the fork] Hey!

Frank Barone:
What? That's a compliment.

Ray Barone:
God, how I wish I could say this is the wrong house...

Ray Barone:
Ok, Robert, you want to know the advantages of marriage? Fine... There's... Uh... OK! Here! Got it! You know when you fall asleep and you stop breathing? When you're married, there's always somebody there to nudge you back to life... That's not a good example. Ok...

Robert Barone:
Ray...

Ray Barone:
No! I got this! Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up- she's there. You come back from work- she's there. You fall asleep- she's there. You eat dinner- she's there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing. But, it's not. [touches Debra's shoulder] Not- Not if it's the right person.

[pause]

Frank Barone:
I'd like a minute for rebuttal.

[Robert started hanging out with black people]

Frank Barone:
I don't even understand one word you're saying anymore. Yesterday, why the hell did you call me "dog"?

Robert Barone:
It's a good thing. It means I like you.

Frank Barone:
I see. In that case, from this day on I'm calling you "jackass". That's also a sign of affection. [Ray comes in] Hey, ugly.

Ray Barone:
What the hell was that for?

Frank Barone:
It's "Robert Talk". It means you're good-looking. [to Marie] Hey, good-looking.

[Ray has hurt his back and is in bed with Debra]

Ray Barone:
I guess I am going to be out of commission for a while.

Debra Barone:
I wouldn't worry - it's not like Van Gogh has lost his paint brush.

[after Raymond sees Deborah crying all alone]

Raymond:
Do you cry because I'm stupid?

Deborah:
No, I eat ice cream because you are stupid.

Frank Barone:
What's for brunch, Marie?

Marie Barone:
Ham.

Frank Barone:
Excellent. I shall put on my ham pants.

Ray Barone:
You said you didn't know me?

Debra Barone:
You were stuffing your pants with food!

Ray Barone:
So? I'm your husband, you're supposed to love me no matter what's in my pants!

Robert Barone:
How about I hit you with your own wife?

Robert Barone:
Never be afraid to pull the trigger, on your smile.

Robert Barone:
I'm a freak!

Raymond:
You're superfreaky!

Debra Barone:
Where did you just come from?

Raymond:
I went to the bathroom.

Debra Barone:
No, you didn't.

Raymond:
I'm doing it right now.

Robert Barone:
All I wanted was a place where people would care about me.

Marie Barone:
You have that here, you stupid ass!

Frank Barone:
Maybe that's why I like animals. Woof. Moo. Quack. They tell it like it is.

Marie Barone:
Who keeps pornography for twenty-nine years?

Frank Barone:
Anyone married to you.

Robert Barone:
I actually say a prayer that Ray doesn't do so good that day.

Debra Barone:
You say a prayer?

Robert Barone:
Come on, God, get him!

Marie Barone:
[after seeing Ray and Robert hug each other] Your sons are hugging.

Frank Barone:
I'll get the hose.

Ray Barone:
Hence all the hullabaloo.

[Ray just ended a sentence with "at"; Marie is infuriated]

Marie Barone:
This is the end of civilization! People like you don't wanna learn or do anything, because they're too busy with their remote control televisions, or playing with their hula hoops, and before you know it, [shouts] that's where we're at!

Frank Barone:
Where the cookies at?

Ray Barone:
Nothing is ever good enough, and it's always our fault!

Frank Barone:
Hey, you can't speak to your mother like that!

Ray Barone:
You do!

Frank Barone:
She's not my mother!

Robert Barone:
It's nice to be important. But it's more important... to be nice.

Robert Barone:
So, Debra's parents are coming over?

Ray Barone:
Yeah, they don't come around much anymore, so we want to spend as much time as possible with them.

[Robert stares at him, not buying it]

Ray Barone:
I've been told that's how I feel.

Debra Barone:
[to Robert] It's your life. You do what you want to do.

Ray Barone:
Until you're married... then you do what SHE wants you to do.

[repeated line]

Robert Barone:
Is this about me?

Frank Barone:
I'm sorry the check got stuck to the chubby hubby.

Marie Barone:
Oh Frank. You've never said that to me before.

Robert Barone:
No one's ever said that before.

[repeated line]

Marie:
Are ya hungry dear?

[Frank is dressed as Frankenstein, growling copiously at Marie]

Marie Barone:
You think that's any different from what you really sound?

[Ray is bunking with Robert]

Ray Barone:
Could you, er, put a shirt on?

[gets under the covers]

Ray Barone:
And some underpants?

Robert Barone:
Excuse me! I believe this is MY bed.

Ray Barone:
Yeah, I know. But when you get in bed with a guy, you... put some pants on!

[repeated line]

Marie Barone:
I don't like that.

Ray Barone:
I know what you're going through. I understand. I could never get a girl either.

Peter MacDougall:
Oh, please. We both know that's crazy, you good-looking son of a b*tch.

Frank Barone:
I don't know why you're letting her waste her time with this crap.

Ray Barone:
No, Debra's right. She said it's important for parents to get involved in their kids' education. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Frank Barone:
We never got involved with your education.

Robert Barone:
That's right. Pa didn't go in for all that fancy book-larnin'.

Frank Barone:
What? What did I pay taxes for? You think I had time to tell you what two plus two is?

Robert Barone:
Well, maybe if you took more interest, who knows how far I could have gone?

Frank Barone:
Four! Two plus two is four! Go get 'em, tiger!

Debra Barone:
How could you do that to me?

Ray Barone:
Well, I just looked at what both candidates brought to the table, and I thought Bill Parker...

Debra Barone:
Bill Parker? You hate Bill Parker!

Ray Barone:
I hate Bill Parker the man, but I just thought that Bill Parker the candidate had an interesting platform

Debra Barone:
Shut up! I'm your wife. I don't care if my platform was... anti-puppy. You have to vote for me.

Ray Barone:
But doesn't it say in the Constitution...

Debra Barone:
I don't care what it says in the Constitution! You vote for you your wife! And since you you know what it says in the Constitution?

Ray Barone:
I'm not gonna stand here and let you badmouth America.

Debra Barone:
We all know why you didn't vote for me, Ray. Because you were afraid that if I win, I might get out of this house and you might have to get off your butt once in awhile and do something! You want me locked in this house. Your vote was a vote for slavery!

Ray Barone:
I have always spoken out against slavery.

Ray Barone:
You know, you're not supposed to ask people who they vote for. That's why we folded our votes and put it in the shoebox with tape around it, and they locked it up in the school's cafe-gym-a-torium... as our forefathers did.

Ally Barone:
Daddy, what's an appointment?

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Well honey, an appointment is when two people decide to meet.

Debra Barone:
Like going to the dentist.

Ally Barone:
Oh.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
So, sleeping with me is like going to the dentist?

Debra Barone:
Well, we both say the same things. "Sit back, relax, you won't feel a thing".

Ray Barone:
[to Robert, after he accidentally tore off the top of his Christmas tree] You just hate anything bigger than you, don't you?

Frank Barone:
I hate all of these damn fire hydrants. I love that dogs pee on them.

Robert Barone:
[Debra's pregnant] Um, Debra, I don't think I'm seeing what I'm supposed to be seeing.

Debra Barone:
What? What's that supposed to mean?

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Yeah what are you supposed to mean? You're seeing EVERYTHING! What else are you supposed to see?

Robert Barone:
A HEAD!

Robert Barone:
When I was married to Joanne she wanted time alone. She used it to pack up and move out.

Marie Barone:
Raymond, whatever happens, you and I are keeping the children.

Marie Barone:
Oh, I am surprised, Raymond. You're supposed to think of your mother before sex.

Gianni:
Hey, what is she mad at you for?

Ray Barone:
She wasn't mad at me. She was mad at my mother. And I don't know, it just freed up something in her, and she channeled that anger in a very hot fashion.

Bernie:
Did she curse?

Ray Barone:
She said some things, man. She said some things.

Gianni:
Oh, sweet!

Bernie:
Come on!

Robert Barone:
[Robert stands up and the chair he was sitting in sticks to his rear] All right, all right! That's enough!

Robert Barone:
What's your problem?

Robert Barone:
That's disgusting! Talking about your wife like that to these creeps.

Ray Barone:
What? They're my friends, all right? So mind your own fat-ass business.

Gianni:
Yeah, shut up.

Robert Barone:
My rear end is appropriately proportioned... Raymond. And I'd like to say something else, exploiting someone's anger for your own gratification is repugnant. And double repugnant is then bragging to your monkey pals about it. The deepest form of intimacy between a man and a woman should be a private thing, and remain sacred.

Ray Barone:
Does the term, "angry sex" mean anything to you?

Bernie:
Oh, yeah. You mean like when the wife gets angry 'cause we wrap it up a little too soon?

Frank Barone:
Robert, let's get a move on.

Robert Barone:
Okay.

Frank Barone:
I said, "Let's go!"

Robert Barone:
I'll meet you there. What are we, like a freaking herd?

Robert Barone:
Oh, you are going straight to hell.

Ray Barone:
And you're going back to live with Mommy and Daddy.

Robert Barone:
You win.

[Somebody wrote "Ray stinks" on Ray's fridge]

Ray Barone:
I knew it! It's that damn Spencer kid!

Robert Barone:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not jump to conclusions. It could've been somebody else.

Ray Barone:
Well, did you write it?

Robert Barone:
No. But, it could've been the twins.

Ray Barone:
No, if it was them, they would've wrote "Daddy Stinks". Was it you, dad?

Frank Barone:
If it was me, I wouldn't have written "Ray STINKS".

Debra Barone:
Have you ever considered giving me a hug?

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
A hug?

Debra Barone:
Yes! A hug! Did you ever think of that, you big jerk?

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Well, it's pretty hard to hug someone who's trying to kill you!

Debra Barone:
How would you know? You've never even tried it!

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Well, look, *this* is not huggable! *This* is not Debra! This is the woman who shows up once a month to tear into me like a monkey on a cupcake!

Debra Barone:
Ray, don't you say one more word or I'm gonna send your mother back in here to smack the crap out of you.

Debra Barone:
I'm crying cause I'm married to an insensitive dirfwad who instead of trying to make life better for his wife tape-records her to prove she's a terrible person.

Ray Barone:
What's a dirfwad?

Marie Barone:
I said to Frank, "Frank, when I come home, make sure you are the only ugly thing left in this house."

Marie Barone:
Frank and I have been fighting ever since.

Debra Barone:
No, you two seem so happy.

[Marie is telling Debra about the big fork and spoon]

Debra Barone:
I just always assumed they were Robert's baby utensils.

Marie Barone:
Don't let a suitcase filled with cheese be your big fork and spoon.

Debra Barone:
[pause] I never heard that before.

Marie Barone:
Take it to heart, dear.

Ray Barone:
...Cheese. I love it, and yet I used it as a weapon.

Marie Barone:
Debra, don't let a suitcase full of cheese become your big fork and spoon.

Robert Barone:
[Ray is sitting on the couch with a box on his lap. Robert comes in] Hey, what's up?

Ray Barone:
You want some cheese?

Robert Barone:
What is all that?

Ray Barone:
I helped some guy get a job at the paper, so he gave me, like a cheese sampler.

Robert Barone:
You've done nothing but eat cheese all day.

Ray Barone:
I can't stop.

Ray Barone:
You remember when Debra and I went to Conneticut for the weekend?

Robert Barone:
Sure, Raymond. I remember every one of your comings and goings. You're my whole life!

Frank Barone:
Nice? I tried it once. Didn't care for it.

Marie Barone:
Did the same thing happen with SMART?

Frank Barone:
Nice? I tried it once. Didn't care for it.

Marie Barone:
Is that what happened to smart?

Robert Barone:
I *am* superior because I'm humble.

Ray Barone:
[Ray is driving while Robert sits in the passenger seat and removes his shoes] I think we hit a skunk that crawled out of the ass of another skunk.

Amy Barone:
Here's the sweetest thing. Every night since our wedding, Robert gives me a little massage.

Debra Barone:
Oh, wow! You are so lucky.

Amy Barone:
Yeah. Although he kinda doesn't know his own strength so sometimes, when he squeezes, I feel like I'm being juiced.

Robert Barone:
It is always the nature of the female to gather with other females...

Frank Barone:
...And screech like a tree full of Chinese monkeys.

Marie Barone:
You should all know better than to engage in idle gossip.

Ray Barone:
What are you talking about? You're the one who blabbed it to Debra about Choo-Choo Chulesky.

Marie Barone:
I do not blab. What I do comes from love. And if you want to know the truth, Debra is the worst gossip of us all.

Debra Barone:
Me? You're the one who once told me that Frank came to bed with a toupee on for you.

Ray Barone:
What?

Frank Barone:
This is an outrage, Marie! That was a hat I found on the street.

Marie Barone:
Oh, really? And what about what Debra told Amy last July?

Debra Barone:
What?

Marie Barone:
Debra told Amy that Raymond thought that Amy and Robert's marraige didn't have a chance in hell!

Debra Barone:
Marie! Who told you that?

Amy Barone:
Marie, I told you that in confidence.

Debra Barone:
Amy, how could you tell Marie that I said that?

Ray Barone:
Debra, how could you tell Amy what I told you?

Robert Barone:
My marraige doesn't have a chance in hell?

[Debra belches loudly]

Debra Barone:
Ray, this is crazy. What, do you expect me to remember everything I've ever told Amy about you over the years?

Ray Barone:
Years? You've been doing this to me for years?

Debra Barone:
Look, okay, I realize you're upset and I will try to be more sensitive but I do talk to Amy about my life and I'm sorry but you happen to be a big part of my life.

Ray Barone:
Well, I'm sorry you and the other hens don't have anything better to do than to cluck around the henhouse like a gaggle of cluckity cluckin' hens!

Linda Gruenfelder:
I am such a sucker for that little boy thing in men. It's so endearing.

Frank Barone:
[comes in looking rather pathetic] Where's Marie? I lost my shoe.

Ray Barone:
I didn't say your marraige didn't have a chance in hell. The way that sounds. I- Alright, look. There are certain things that a man says to his wife when he's just trying to, I don't know, fill the silence!

Robert Barone:
Oh, now I understand. You're a hateful jerkface. And what I mean by that is that you're hateful and you're a jerkface.

Ray Barone:
You been walking around secretly thinking I'm a hateful jerkface but still acting all fake nice to me?

Amy Barone:
I haven't been that nice. A few months ago you got a haircut and everybody said, "Nice haircut, Ray." But I didn't.

Ray Barone:
How could you do that to me? I mean, that's terrible!

Amy Barone:
You hurt my feelings.

Ray Barone:
Still, you think someone's a hateful jerkface, you gotta tell them. I have feelings too.

Robert Barone:
Hateful jerkface. Feel better?

Marie Barone:
Well I think it's sad when people start having surgery to make themselves bigger.

Frank Barone:
Marie did it the natural way. Pound cake!

Marie Barone:
[the group is talking about breasts] See I expect this kind of thing from Frank, but you boys have no reason to have any interest in such things.

Frank Barone:
Why not?

Marie Barone:
Because I never nursed them.

Frank Barone:
What the hell are you talking about?

Marie Barone:
Everybody knows that if you breastfeed boys when they're babies they're gonna grow up to be obsessed with breasts.

Robert Barone:
That's why you didn't breastfeed me?

Frank Barone:
That, and the two of you were almost the same height. We were gettin' looks.

Ray Barone:
So, what excuse did you give Dr. Greenburg this week?

Robert Barone:
Oh, I didn't even talk to him this week. I told him I was going to be working undercover for a while and when I came back I'd have plenty of issues.

Frank Barone:
What kind of issues?

Robert Barone:
I told him I had to dress as a woman and I had to borrow the outfit from my mother.

Ray Barone:
Oh yeah! Oh that's perfect.

Robert Barone:
I know!

Frank Barone:
If he only knew what a sick bastard you really are.

Ray Barone:
I know!

Ray Barone:
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's like what we were talking about the other day. I'm kind of a lousy father because of him, so I just back it up, one more, to Grandpa Joe.

Frank Barone:
Yeah, and his dad was the worst. My grandpa, Sal.

Robert Barone:
Oh yeah?

Frank Barone:
Oh yeah. Grandpa Sal, very scary. He once made Mussolini wet himself.

Marie Barone:
Your father's over there right now, trying to snap him out of it.

Debra Barone:
Oh, what's he doing?

Marie Barone:
He's yelling "Snap out of it!"

Marie Barone:
One day you'll turn around, and I won't be here!

Ray Barone:
[Spins completely around] Not today!

Ray Barone:
She had that look like Mom did when we were kids and she caught us eating that whole box of Sucrets, remember?

Robert Barone:
Yeah, my tongue was numb for a month.

Ray Barone:
Remember, Mom thought we were drug addicts. She said, That's how it starts.

Frank Barone:
Come on, he's your brother.

Ray Barone:
He's your son!

Frank Barone:
You're just gonna throw that in my face?

Debra Barone:
Layman, Gayman go away man!

Ray Barone:
BULLY! BULLY!

Debra Barone:
Oh, relax.

Ray Barone:
Debra, Debra, Lovely Wife why am I stuck with you for life!

Ray Barone:
You're the missing link.

Robert Barone:
I've heard that before.

Frank Barone:
To my first-born son. A leader of men. And to my second son. A loyal follower.

Marie Barone:
Why has your brother been sitting over there for two days all moping and depressed?

Ray Barone:
Because he's Robert.

Marie Barone:
What is a DVD player? Is it for pornography?

Debra Barone:
Yes, Marie, I bought Ray a porn machine!

Marie Barone:
I don't like that, Debra.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
I can't believe you shot me, Robert!!

Frank Barone:
Stop it! You're ruinin' it!!

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
I gotta lie here all afternoon?

Robert Barone:
It's gotta be authentic!!

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
What authentic? Stone-Wall Jackson's wearing a beeper.

Robert Barone:
His wife's pregnant!

Harry:
Wow, Mrs. Barone, you're a sight for sore eyes.

Frank Barone:
And mine are pretty sore.

[Ray is leaving dressed up as a confederate soldier complete with a Rhett Butler mustache]

Debra Barone:
What am I going to tell Tom and Maryann?

[He turns]

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Frankly my dear... I don't give a damn.

[the theme from "Gone With The Wind" swells as Ray leaves and Debra closes the door behind him]

Debra Barone:
Idiot.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
They bought cookies from your friend, Peggy Hitler!

Robert Barone:
You have a friend named Hitler?

Debra Barone:
She's not my friend.

Robert Barone:
But her last name is Hitler?

Debra Barone:
She's not a Hitler.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
She invaded our territory!

Debra Barone:
Last week, Ray came home, late, from golfing. I guess golfing is kind of a "Hot Button" issue with me, and we had a fight.

Pamela:
Ray, do you remember this?

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
I do, I shot a 94.

Debra Barone:
Is it such a problem that I want my house to look clean?

Marie Barone:
That's certainly valid. And Raymond, you of all people should know that if you want your house to look clean, Debra *needs* help.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
[imitating Gerard's nasal whiny voice, which people tell Ray sounds like himself] Oh, nooo! I spilled the white-out!

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
I don't need anybody, Ma, especially Gerard.

Marie Barone:
I happen to know that Gerard is a very responsible young man, and he's exactly what you need. And I owe his mother.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
For what?

Marie Barone:
You know, when Robert got divorced? She set him up with Melissa.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
I don't think you owe someone for setting up a guy with his own cousin.

Marie Barone:
It was just to talk. They had a lot in common.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Yeah, DNA.

Marie Barone:
I think you could do this one thing for me while I'm still here.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
You mean in the basement?

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
What does a cat say?

Gerard:
You mean a talking cat?

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
[to Gerard] You even talk strange. You're all nasally and whinily and - like the word you just said, right... [points]

Gerard:
[Now, in nasal] Ne-ow?

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
[shakes head] Okay, what does a cat say?

Gerard:
[confused] You mean a talking cat?

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
No! A regular cat, a regular cat. What does a regular cat say?

Gerard:
Meow?

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Meow, now, meow, now. You see how annoying that can be?

Gerard:
Yeah, but what do you want?

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Try it like this. [deep round tone] right NOW.

Gerard:
Right ne-ow.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Try it again.

Gerard:
Right ne-ow.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
[normal] Right now.

Gerard:
[all in nasal] Right ne-ow

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Now!

Gerard:
Neow!

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Now!

Gerard:
Neow!

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Now!

Gerard:
Neow! It's the same.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
[more Now's until Ray says] It isn't... this isn't about me Gerard.

Gerard:
Well, knock it off! You're really annoying. That's right! You know what? I quit! I've had it with you and your whole side of the family. I only took this job because my mom owes Aunt Marie.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
My mom owes your mom!

Gerard:
Yeah yeah , believe whatever you want. I'm outta here, you crazy bastard!

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
[yells up basement steps] You got problems, pal! You got problems, all right?... And I'll tell you something, you're gonna go through life blind to your problems and there's no call for that kind of language! [to self] Ne-ow. Ugh. Right ne-ow. Agh! Right now now! [Round deep tone again] "Right NOW! Right NOW!

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
I'll tell you this. If Dad's the first to go, Ma's gonna do just fine.

Robert Barone:
Yeah. And if Ma's the first to go, God help us all!!

Ray Barone:
You know Chuck Wilson? You know what he told me? He said his wife is so cold, when he gets into bed with her, he has to shoo away the penguins.

Frank Barone:
Your husband garbles heart pills because he's had a 50 year love affair with ham.

[Ray mixed up the twins and took the wrong one to the doctor]

Frank Barone:
I never mixed up you and Robert.

Robert Barone:
Yes you did Dad.

Frank Barone:
Oh yeah.

Debra Barone:
Well Ray, Your mom's here.

Ray Barone:
I thought she could come by and she could help you with the kids while I'm at my big meeting. Isn't that a good idea?

Debra Barone:
I have an idea. How about I bite your nose really hard?

Marie Barone:
Listen, it's none of my business but I think maybe this might be Debra's way of trying to compensate.

Robert Barone:
How so, Ma?

Marie Barone:
Well, if you can't cook in the kitchen.

Ray Barone:
Okay, goodbye.

Robert Barone:
You guys are *way* off. Here.

[He hands the brochure to Frank]

Ray Barone:
What are you?...

Frank Barone:
Holy crap!

Robert Barone:
That's Debra's aerobics instructor. She watches him flex all around and then she goes home all... inspired.

Ray Barone:
Why do you do that? Why do you tell Mom and Dad things like that? Huh? My personal things? Why? Why, why? Why?

Robert Barone:
Brings us closer.

Frank Barone:
Sounds like Mr. Muscle here is saving you some prep work.

Marie Barone:
I don't like that, Frank. And I have to say Raymond, I think that Debra is playing a very dangerous game.

Frank Barone:
Oh, what are you talking about? Who cares where she gets her appetite as long as she has her meal at home?

Ray Barone:
Okay, stop!

Marie Barone:
Raymond.

Ray Barone:
Stop!

Marie Barone:
Raymond, you have to get Debra out of this class right now.

Frank Barone:
Why? This guy is helping out. Maybe Ray doesn't have what it takes to get Debra's motor running.

Marie Barone:
Raymond's got plenty!

Ray Barone:
Thank you! Mom!

Frank Barone:
[Looking at the Aerobics pamphlet] Hey, this is a good-looking guy.

[Robert stares at him, uncomfortable]

Frank Barone:
What? He's like a gladiator! Come on, Robert, you can't say this isn't a handsome man.

Robert Barone:
Ma, please I really need my pants.

[Debra has lost her engagement ring and is obviously quite upset]

Amy MacDougall:
It's always the last place you look.

Debra Barone:
Of course it will be the last place I look because once I find it I won't have to look for it anymore!

Debra Barone:
I have a confession to make to you. RIght after we got engaged, I had the original stone replaced.

[long pause]

Ray Barone:
What?

Debra Barone:
I mean when you asked me to marry you I was so happy, believe me, but... I mean I know you got the best stone you could afford bless your heart but like my parents weren't that crazy about you to begin with and I didn't want to show them that stone.

Ray Barone:
I understand.

Debra Barone:
You know my grandmother Abby? She'd given me her ring years before so I put that stone in your setting.

Ray Barone:
Do you remember how much that stone was worth? Just ballpark?

Debra Barone:
Sweetie, it's not important.

Ray Barone:
How important is it not?

Debra Barone:
What?

Ray Barone:
How much was old Abby's stone worth?

Debra Barone:
$15,000

[Ray slowly falls to the floor as though he had been kicked in the groin]

Debra Barone:
I could just kill myself Ray.

Ray Barone:
This could be a murder-suicide.

Ray Barone:
[holding a flashlight and a stick of butter] Hey. Wanna play baker in the mineshaft?

Debra Barone:
Okay. But I get to be the baker this time.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
How did you get the keys back from mom?

Frank Barone:
That was not pleasant. But I found the remote.

Debra Barone:
What happened?

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
He passed!

Debra Barone:
HE PASSED? J-Just the writen part.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
No. EVERYTHING. The driving, the turning, the seeing.

Debra Barone:
What kind of government is THIS!

Ray Barone:
What's going on?

Frank Barone:
Supercop, here, wants to give me a ticket.

Robert Barone:
I don't want to. I have to.

Frank Barone:
He's got a quota to fill.

Robert Barone:
You hit my squad car!

Frank Barone:
I don't care if I killed a guy! You're my son, you have to look the other way! Am I right, Ray?

Ray Barone:
Dad, whatever you do, I want to look the other way.

Robert Barone:
If you didn't hit my car then how did all the black and white paint get on yours?

Frank Barone:
I hit a penguin!

Frank Barone:
[to Robert about traffic incident] What ever I do, I'm your father, you should look the other way!

Frank Barone:
[to Ray] Right?

Ray Barone:
Dad, what *ever* you do, I look the other way.

Debra Barone:
[astonished as Frank's renewed drivers license] The problem is he has the State of New York behind him now.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Yeah well, they better not try to pass him cause he'll flip 'em off.

Debra Barone:
Ray. Listen, I've decided that I don't want Frank driving the kids anymore.

Ray Barone:
What?

Debra Barone:
I don't want him driving the kids. Makes me uncomfortable.

Robert Barone:
Because of the swearing?

Debra Barone:
Because of the driving! He's not a safe driver.

Ray Barone:
Yeah, well I don't think I can tell him that he can't drive his own grandkids around.

Debra Barone:
Why not? He's too aggressive.

Ray Barone:
That's why I can't tell him.

Robert Barone:
Liver week was my fault. Would've been one night if I just could have swallowed it.

Debra Barone:
Dressing the twins like fairies is not going to make them gay.

Frank Barone:
Well, it's not going to turn them into Teamsters.

Debra Barone:
Alright, I know, I'm boring. But maybe I would be fascinating if I barged into people's houses 50 times a day.

[imitates Marie]

Debra Barone:
Ooh, hello, dear. What's this? Frosting in a can, so much easier than homemade. Look in that refrigerator. Whoa, smells like there wasn't anything good in here for a while.

[imitates Frank]

Debra Barone:
Time for desert. Holy crap. I'm not listening anymore, doo dah, doo dah...

[imitates Robert]

Debra Barone:
Oh, everything's turning out perfect for Raymond.

[increasingly frustrated]

Debra Barone:
Oh, lucky Raymond. Everybody loves Raymond. EVERYBODY loves Raymond. EVERYBODY LOVES Raymond. EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND!

[everybody laughs]

Robert Barone:
Do me, now.

Debra Barone:
Dr. Nora thought I was boring.

Ray Barone:
You're not boring, you're normal. Living in my house, I prayed for normal. Then, I had to fall asleep to the sound of my brother naming his toes. There was 'Fat Tony', 'Danny the Weasel' and 'Billy Stretch and Tastes Bad'.

Marie Barone:
I don't lose things, Frank. I'm organized.

Frank Barone:
Not organized, insane! She's got a shoebox labeled "Pieces of String Too Small to Use."

Marie Barone:
I should tie them together into a noose for you.

Frank Barone:
I know which beam I can use.

Marie Barone:
I'll get you a step-ladder.

Ray Barone:
All right, Ally, you have to do what Mommy says.

Ally Barone:
Why?

Ray Barone:
'Cause I do.

[Ray is taking parenting classes]

Ray Barone:
Hey, Ma, did you change the twins' pajamas?

Marie Barone:
Yeah, I left them here. I wanted to get some of the old stains out.

Ray Barone:
We have a washing machine, Ma.

Marie Barone:
Some of those stubborn stains need special treatment.

Frank Barone:
Why don't you take a class for THAT? I got grand-parenting class at 3. Today's lessons are "Blow my nose" and "Pull my finger".

[laughs]

Ray Barone:
Yeah, while you're there, don't miss the seminar about moving to Florida.

Debra Barone:
Don't try that Active Listening with me! Where you do get off listening to me?

Ray Barone:
Never happen again.

Robert Barone:
So you're stuck with Debra's parents for the whole weekend, huh?

Raymond 'Ray' Barone:
Well, we hardly ever get to see them so when they come up we want to spend as much time as possible with them... I've been told that's how I feel.

Lois:
Dealing with your obsessive personality is worse than being shot and then hung!

Warren:
Hanged!

Lois:
[writing in her notebook] Warren is very, very good at being controlling!

Warren:
Controlling has two L's.

Frank Barone:
Oh, now I see it. This stairwell needs fixin'. [starts stamping]

Ray Barone:
Dad... C'mon.

Frank Barone:
[crashes trough the stairwell] Woah!

Marie Barone:
Frank! Are you alright?

Ray Barone:
Dad!

Frank Barone:
[pause] Holy Crap!

Marie Barone:
Oh my god Frank! Are you alright?

Frank Barone:
Holy crap!

Marie Barone:
Don't move, I'm coming right down.

Frank Barone:
I'm in enough pain!

Marie Barone:
I told him not to work on those stairs. I KNEW something like this would happen! I can't bare to see him hurt. [to Frank] Why are you such a stubborn Jackass?

Frank Barone:
Doctor, could I have THIS removed? [points to Marie]

Marie Barone:
Doctor, before you go, is there such a thing as a "Personality Transplant"?

Debra Barone:
We can never have sex again!

Ray Barone:
Whoa, WHAT?

Debra Barone:
Look at your father lying in there hurt. And now, everytime we - I'm gonna think of HIM. Working on those stairs and all of a sudden his Little Bald Head dropping out of sight.

Ray Barone:
Well, here's something you might try. Think of ME when we're having sex.

Debra Barone:
We did this to him, Ray. We lied to him and now he has a broken rib. WE broke his rib. We might as well have rolled off that bed and ON TO HIM!

Ray Barone:
HEY! You to put images my head? Because we MAY never have sex again. [Nurse walks by and hears him. Ray says to nurse] Hey. Hi. [to Debra] Look, this was not our fault.

Debra Barone:
Yes it is! This is 30% my fault and 70% YOURS!

Ray Barone:
Whoa, whoa! Where do you come up with those figures?

Debra Barone:
Because you STARTED it! None of this would've happened if you didn't have to tell your friends what a be STUDD you are!

Ray Barone:
Oh, why couldn't the nurse hear THAT?

Debra Barone:
So, how's the rib, Frank?

Frank Barone:
Okay, but I still can't burp the way I used to.

Ray Barone:
Just stick to your rehab, dad.

Frank Barone:
Boy am I glad to be out of that hospital. They had me so drugged up I didn't know whether I was coming or going.

Marie Barone:
I thought what they had you on was marvelous. I'm going to call Mexico to try and get some for the house.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Mom. We thought it would be OUR decision to make because it is, kinda, OUR HOUSE!

Marie Barone:
Yes, but we're the ones that have to look at it.

Marie Barone:
Just let your father do this. Ever since he retired he's been around ALL THE TIME!

Debra Barone:
But that's what people do when they retire.

Marie Barone:
I know, but I never thought he'd live THIS LONG.

[Robert is using a power-painter. Ray walks up behind him]

Ray Barone:
[On the back of Robert's neck] Wasp.

Robert Barone:
Agggggghhh!

[Robert reaches for his neck. Marie walks right out and gets a full blast of paint in the face. Frank walks by]

Frank Barone:
[without stopping; at Marie's face] That's gonna need another coat.

Frank Barone:
Don't say nothing about my lodge buddies.

Ray Barone:
Who, the guys you swim naked with?

Frank Barone:
That's lodge policy!

Frank Barone:
[to Marie, while wiping her face clean] I like you better without all that crap in your face.

Ray Barone:
Why do you like Frank Barone?

Member of Frank's Lodge:
I don't like Frank Barone!

Ray Barone:
You're excited about this?

Robert Barone:
It's an honor to be son of man of the year.

Ray Barone:
I don't even want to be brother of guy who wants to be son of man of the year.

TV Announcer:
“I've got pickles for toes and a rutebega nose! Sassafras hair and a melon under there! I’m the Veggie-Wedge Man and you’re can eat me, try my hand!”

Frank Barone:
Hey Ray did you know that Mark Twain had a son who was a writer? His name was Choo-choo. Choo-choo Twain

Debra Barone:
Where are you going?

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
I told you, I wanted to go golfing.

Debra Barone:
Yeah, and I said "Too bad".

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
I thought that meant for you.

Frank Barone:
What kind of an idiot would spend 80$ for a canoe ride?

Marie Barone:
Some people think a canoe ride can be romantic.

Frank Barone:
I take it, you never saw "Deliverance".

Ray Barone:
Anything my wife touches falls off. You can imagine how scared I am.

Marie Barone:
Frank, you're bidding on the pedicure? Why are you signing up for all these things?

Frank Barone:
Leave me alone, I'm just trying to drive the prices up.

Marie Barone:
Just trying to be a big shot. Why don't you pick one little thing that you really like...

Frank Barone:
Hey, hey, *silent* auction.

Ray Barone:
Come on, what do you - don't be such a bad sport.

Debra Barone:
What if you were me? What would you do?

Ray Barone:
I would laugh at all my husband's jokes, strip off my clothes, have my way with him and then put on TV.

Debra Barone:
Keep dreaming.

Ray Barone:
I would - I'd be so naughty. I might even talk dirty, oh!

Ray Barone:
Listen, we're here for the kids because, uh, they're the future and they deserve - they deserve a new playground, really. So that they can slide and swing upside down and break their necks.

Ray Barone:
Who's gonna bid twenty dollars for this fine piece of craftsmanship, finely crafted by a fine craftsman who I happen to sleep with?

Ray Barone:
I know, you're mad at the jokes.

Debra Barone:
You just - you just couldn't stop, could you, Ray?

Ray Barone:
I was killing them, it was great. That box falling apart, that was the best thing that could've happened. That broke the ice.

Debra Barone:
You embarrassed me.

Ray Barone:
What? No! It was all fun. Come on, I told you, people thought that we did it on purpose.

Debra Barone:
I felt humiliated.

Ray Barone:
Don't feel humiliated.

Debra Barone:
Don't tell me how to feel.

Ray Barone:
But you're wrong.

Debra Barone:
There's no right or wrong, this is how I feel. You can not tell me not be humiliated, I just am.

Ray Barone:
Okay, all right, feel humiliated.

Debra Barone:
I don't anymore.

Ray Barone:
Okay, all right...

Debra Barone:
Now I'm just angry. I mean I can't believe - I can't believe you - It's bad enough what you did to me tonight, but you don't even care how I feel about it. All you care about is how well you did, you laugh-whore

Ray Barone:
Maybe you should... go back to being humiliated.

Frank Barone:
Debra, what kind of con game are you running?

Marie Barone:
It's your own fault, Frank. Who told you to sign up for all those things?

Frank Barone:
I didn't expect to win this crap.

Debra Barone:
It's not crap, Frank.

Frank Barone:
Oh yeah? $80 for the use of a canoe. That is *floating* crap.

Marie Barone:
Some people would consider a canoe ride romantic.

Frank Barone:
Guess you didn't see "Deliverance"

Ray Barone:
After golfing we were in the locker room and I got this weird feeling.

Debra Barone:
Ray, you are not gay.

Frank Barone:
An anxiety attack, give me a break! Everyone's having those now-a-days. It's hip!

Ray Barone:
Deb, where are you?

Debra Barone:
I'm up here. In the bedroom.

Ray Barone:
Where are the kids?

Debra Barone:
They're at Linda's house.

Ray Barone:
Good. Come down will you? I want to talk to you.

Debra Barone:
I think you might want to come up.

Ray Barone:
It's 3:00. It can't be sex. Come down, will ya?

Debra Barone:
All right, but I'll have to put clothes on.

Ray Barone:
Coming up.

Marie Barone:
I know this has been hard on you honey. And you're doing everything you can for Raymond. But maybe the way you can help him relax is very simple.

Debra Barone:
What do you mean?

Marie Barone:
Well, I couldn't help wondering, dear... are you making yourself available to him? You know what I'm talking about?

Debra Barone:
Please, Marie!

Marie Barone:
Listen, you know Raymond doesn't like to ask for things.

Debra Barone:
Do we have to talk about this?

Marie Barone:
I'm just trying to help.

Debra Barone:
I didn't say anything when you told me how Ray liked his underwear folded, but this is over the line.

Marie Barone:
I'm sorry, but Raymond needs your help. Debra, you... Have a glass of wine first!

Ray Barone:
[to Marie] Nothing is ever good enough and it's *always* our fault!

Frank Barone:
You can't speak to your mother that way!

Ray Barone:
You do!

Frank Barone:
She's not my mother!

Marie Barone:
Fine! You got it out of me. Your father and I... succumbed to temptation before we got married. I fell for your father's boyish good looks. But, it didn't matter. We were in love. Right, Frank?

Frank Barone:
I wanted sex.

Marie:
Okay, me and your father slept together just ONCE before we were married.

Ray and Robert:
WHAT?

Marie:
We were in love, right?

Frank:
I was young. There was some attachment.

[Robert has found out that his birthday is not when he was told it was]

Robert Barone:
I guess I should know. When *is* my birthday?

Marie Barone:
April 6th.

Robert Barone:
Well that's today.

Ray Barone:
[after a slight pause] Surprise!

Robert Barone:
Well congratulations Raymond. You were concieved legitimately. You win again

Ray Barone:
It's not a competition Robert. [Ray smiles gleefully]

Russell:
Let me tell you something about Hackidu.

Ray Barone:
Oh boy.

Russell:
It's evil!

Ray Barone:
I'm Ray Barone. Robert's brother.

Russell:
Oh you're Robert's brother? Get out!

Bill Parker:
Tough noogies, Barone.

Ray Barone:
When I dance, people think I'm looking for my keys.

Debra Barone:
Ray, the kids have to be picked up soon. Can you go get them?

Ray Barone:
I just sat down.

Debra Barone:
What are you, 80?

Ray Barone:
What are you doing?

Debra Barone:
I'm sorting the catalogs.

Ray Barone:
Oh, God's work.

Debra Barone:
Come on, one of us has to go.

Ray Barone:
You go.

Debra Barone:
I *always* go, Ray.

[the kitchen door opens and Marie walks in]

Marie Barone:
Watch your step, Frank.

Ray Barone:
All right, I'll go.

Debra Barone:
No, I'll go.

Warren:
Scott cried during the SATs when he skipped a question by mistake and all his answers were off by one.

Ray Barone:
Yeah.

Scott Preman:
That wasn't funny, okay? I had to go to community college.

Marie Barone:
I need your counter space. I accidentally doubled my cookie recipe.

Ray Barone:
What's that, 5,000 cookies?

Debra Barone:
Oh look, "The Eagles Return To The Nest"

Ray Barone:
Yeah, we were the eagles. Now where are the bald eagles?

Ray Barone:
[to Debra] That guy's got hair. You promised me bald people!

Robert Barone:
[about Ray's hair] He uses conditioner doesn't he? Then he tops it off with the volumizer?

Ray Barone:
You're an idiot wrapped in a moron.

Ray Barone:
[after Frank stabs Ray with fork] Ow!... What did you do that for?

Frank Barone:
I like pie!

Ray Barone:
All those sports books I read and all the sports I watched on TV, that's how I got to be where I'm at. [Marie reacts]

Marie Barone:
[long pause] "That's how I got to be where I'm at"?

Ray Barone:
Yeah, that's right.

Marie Barone:
You're a writer, and that's how you use the English language?

Ray Barone:
What? What are you talkin' about?

Marie Barone:
You do not end a sentence with "at."

Ray Barone:
Big deal, so I ended it with a proposition.

Marie Barone:
Preposition, it's a prep- Oh my God!

Ray Barone:
What? What are you getting so upset about?

Marie Barone:
Because this is the end of civilization! People like you don't want to work or learn anything because they're too busy with their remote control television or playing with their hula-hoops! And before you know it, that's where we're at!

Frank Barone:
Where the cookies at?

Debra Barone:
[Ray comes in the door] Oh, good. Get in there. Ally needs help with her homework. [Ray turns around and starts to head back out] Hey, hey! Get back in here! Ray, come on. It's either help Ally or give the twins their bath.

Ray Barone:
Alright come here guys. Let me look at you. [He inspects the extremely dirty twins] What'd, you strike oil? I'll do Ally. [He walks into the living room where Ally is sitting on the floor surrounded with books and papers] Hey, Popeye. You look like you're doing pretty good here. You don't need my help do you?

Ally Barone:
Yes, I do.

Ray Barone:
Okay. Alright don't worry. Daddy's here to help you. [He picks up the remote and turns the TV on]

Ally Barone:
Mommy says no TV during homework.

Ray Barone:
Don't worry about Mommy.

Debra Barone:
Turn it off, Ray! [He obeys immediately]

Ray Barone:
Alright, let's see. What do you got?

Ally Barone:
I have to answer all these questions about Abraham Lincoln

Ray Barone:
Okay.

Ally Barone:
I have to do these three worksheets on fractions.

Ray Barone:
Alright.

Ally Barone:
And I have to make a diorama of a marine ecosystem.

Ray Barone:
[He stands up] Baths! I'll do the baths. I'm gonna do the baths!

Marie Barone:
[as Marie reads the following Ray chases Frank around the kitchen trying to steal from the last piece of pie] Based on the readings of Mark Twain's "Tom Sawyer", which of the following would you recommend for fifth grade homework and why? A, a book report including cover art and illustrations. B, an oral report using period music and costumes. C, a craft project based on the pre-industrial Mississippi land. D, a fictional diary on one of the characters. Raymond! [Frank pokes Ray in the chest]

Ray Barone:
Ow! What's wrong with you?

Frank Barone:
I like pie.

Marie Barone:
Raymond, pay attention. I'm gonna read you this again.

Ray Barone:
No, not again. I heard it already. How about we don't make the kids read "Tom Sawyer"?

Marie Barone:
What? It's an American classic.

Ray Barone:
All right, then I say A.

Marie Barone:
Good. Why?

Ray Barone:
B.

Ray Barone:
I was up all night going over the material and, uh, well I just got a few things to say. You know, when I was a kid I always thought that we had too much homework and, um, since I hated all the homework I started to hate learning. In fact what I learned to do more than anything else was to avoid the work. Sorry to say I still try to avoid it whenever I can. Just ask my wife. But, you know, it seems to me that kids today, they've got ten times the homework that we had, you know? And I don't want my daughter to hate learning. I want here to be curious and thoughtful and get excited about new ideas. And most of all, and I think this is what we want for all our kids, I want her to be happy. I mean, I think there's homework that's important and everything and then I think there's overload. I mean, are we piling it on? You know we're so worried that the kids won't be competitive and that kids won't have a future that we're taking away their present. Anyway, you know, maybe we could just keep that in mind. Cause isn't that the type of school we want our kids to be at? I mean in. I mean of. I mean a part of. I mean, isn't that... isn't tha... isn't that the kind of school we want our children to be a part of? In. [Ray sits down and a board member turns to another member]

Board Member:
And you wanted to cut down on the English homework.

Ray Barone:
[to Debra] Just so you know, you could have had sex tonight. It was gonna be all new stuff.

Ray Barone:
Sorry to disturb you, Your Highness. But while you were up here reading your latest kiss handsome boys book and rubbing lotion on your bunions, peasants were downstairs trying to build an ocean in a shoebox.

Debra Barone:
Are you complaining?

Ray Barone:
Am I complaining. I just did homework for two hours.

Debra Barone:
Well, then I guess that makes the score three million to two.

Ray Barone:
What, are you keeping track now? That is so petty.

Ray Barone:
That's the restaurant where the crazy old Chinese lady yells at you while you're leaving, right?

Debra Barone:
You know what she's yelling, right?

Ray Barone:
Yeah, "habanadah!"

Debra Barone:
She's saying, "Have a nice day."

Ray Barone:
Oh.

[pause]

Ray Barone:
Well, maybe she isn't crazy.

Ray Barone:
I can't go out with her now. The whole time she's gonna know that all I'm thinking about is her breasts.

Robert Barone:
So don't think about them.

Ray Barone:
Okay. Don't think about Zebras. Go.

Robert Barone:
Wow.

Ray Barone:
What are you thinking about?

Robert Barone:
A Zebra with breasts

Debra Barone:
A clean house is not the most important thing in the world.

Marie Barone:
You know who says that? A messy person.

Debra Barone:
Am I interrupting anything?

Marie Barone:
Oh no. I'm just letting Frank's pants out again. It's in God's hands now.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Dad, let me ask you somthin'. When was the last time you ever said "I love you" to... anyone?

Frank Barone:
"I love you"?

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Yeah.

Frank Barone:
What do you live in, a freckin' Fairy Land or something?

Debra Barone:
I can't believe this.

Ray Barone:
I know. It's my brother, right?

Debra Barone:
No, it's not your brother.

Ray Barone:
Of course. It's my father... a pain in the ass!

Debra Barone:
No, not your father either.

Ray Barone:
Now I know. It's my mom. Come on, let's kill her.

Debra Barone:
Stop it, Ray.

Ray Barone:
Come on, you say that we don't do stuff together so... let's kill her and then go to the movies!

Robert Barone:
[at the funeral] Bride's side or groom's side?

Ray Barone:
[Silently stares at Robert]

Robert Barone:
I'm lightening the mood

Debra Barone:
[Ray and Debra stop Ally running through the house] Is that my laundry marker? Honey were you drawing on the walls again?

Debra Barone:
[innocently] No I drew on Geoffrey

Debra Barone:
[She walks into the kitchen and returns a moment later with Geoffrey. Under his nose is a black toothbrush moustache] Bad news for Europe Ray.

Ray Barone:
[He grabs a tissue] I got it. See it's coming off. It's not coming off

Ray Barone:
If you don't forgive Aunt Alda no one at this funeral is going to have a good time.

Ray Barone:
I've accepted the fact that I have one son who's good at basketball and another son who's only good at running around in a circle and pretending he's Scooby Doo.

Marie Barone:
I bought tickets for the whole family to go to Italy!

Debra Barone:
Me too?

Marie Barone:
Of course, dear. You're family.

[Debra jumps with joy]

Robert Barone:
Me too?

Frank Barone:
Ah, your mother's ass!

Marie Barone:
Don't fight here. This is the Colosseum.

Robert Barone:
[after making a trip to Pennsylvania] I've come to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage.

Pat McDougal:
[Pat and her husband Hank both smile sweetly and answer] No.

Peter MacDougall:
Oh, I think Miss Puss has a kiss for you, Raymond.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Let me tell you. My father had a system: AIS. Like whenever we'd go somewhere, he'd set a time and he'd be like: "We're leaving. 9:00, AIS!"

Debra Barone:
AIS?

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Ass In Seat. Whoever's ass was not in their seat at the designated time, that ass was left behind.

Debra Barone:
So during the fall did you have to set your ass back an hour?

Debra Barone:
You used to think I was worth waiting for.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
You were worth waiting for, but after 15 years you should BE here by now!

Sarah:
Boys are just a little slower to develop than girls.

Debra Barone:
But Geoffrey's developing on schedule.

Ray Barone:
Oh boy, my father's gonna love that.

Debra Barone:
What? Shut up.

Sarah:
Excuse me?

Ray Barone:
Nothing. My father thinks that Geoffrey has homosexual tendencies.

Ray Barone:
Am I stupid?

Debra Barone:
If this is your new way of asking for sex then yes.

Frank Barone:
You gotta keep pushing kids.

Debra Barone:
Until when Frank?

Frank Barone:
Until they cry. That's nature's way of letting you know you pushed enough!

Robert Barone:
Here's a man they let have two children.

Marie Barone:
You're eating candy? Where did you get these?

Frank Barone:
They were sticking out of Ray's pants here.

Marie Barone:
This is your pants that you wore last night. Mike & lkes? That's a very big box - the kind you get at the movies, but Debra, you said you didn't go to the movies.

Debra Barone:
Right. We got those at the hotel.

Ray Barone:
Yeah, out of the minibar.

Marie Barone:
What is the name of the hotel? Wait wait wait. Why don't you whisper the name to me? And then we'll see what Debra says - if it's something else. Come over here. Go ahead.

Ray Barone:
[whispers very loudly] Ramada

Marie Barone:
There was no hotel which means that wasn't the trick you were playing on us. So then what was it?

Ray Barone:
There was... no, nothing.

Marie Barone:
The washing machine? Having Frank fix something that wasn't broken?

Ray Barone:
Yes, that's it! Ha ha! Gotcha!

Frank Barone:
Why, you lousy big-nosed bastard!

Marie Barone:
The kids didn't break the VCR. But why would you lie about it being broken?

Robert Barone:
This is great. I'm usually behind one-way glass during this part.

Marie Barone:
Because there *was* no tape for Frank to watch. Which means you *did* watch the football the night before. Because you *didn't* have a headache! You lied to me. You both did.

Debra Barone:
Oh, Marie. How can you think that? You are *way* off. Right, Ray?

Ray Barone:
[flabbergasted] How did you do that?

Marie Barone:
I can put things together. You think I was born yesterday?

Frank Barone:
Anyone?

Bernie:
Will you look at her? Oh, my god. If I wasn't married, you know what I'd do?

Ray Barone:
Wear the same underwear every day?

[Marie thinks Ray might have an affair]

Debra Barone:
Marie, I'm not worried. I trust Ray.

Marie Barone:
Oh, I'm not worried about Raymond either, dear. I'm worried about that pizza parlor putana!

Bernie:
[about Angelina] She's built like the lady on the mudflaps.

Ray Barone:
[on the phone] Hello? Yes, he is. May I ask who's calling? Okay, just a minute. Angelina.

Ray Barone:
Angelina? Don't know anyone by that name.

Debra Barone:
Does he know what this is regarding? Okay, yeah thanks for calling. Bye-bye. She's got your wallet.

Ray Barone:
What? My wallet?

Debra Barone:
Yeah. It's at Nemo's.

Ray Barone:
I didn't go to Nemo's.

Debra Barone:
Well your wallet made it there somehow. Do you have your wallet? Ray, she said she just waited on you.

Ray Barone:
Oh Nemo's Nemo's, yeah. Might have been a waitress over there. Even though we usually go to the counter. But today Nemo forced us into this table, where the waitresses go. So we had to have a waitress. Not *have* a waitress. We uh we had waitress service.

Debra Barone:
So how pretty is she?

Ray Barone:
I didn't say she was pretty.

Debra Barone:
You didn't have to. You're being so defensive about it. My gosh, you'd think there was something going on.

Ray Barone:
[laughs uncomfortably] No, no, no, no. no, no, no.

Debra Barone:
You're a freak.

Ray Barone:
What? What did I do?

Debra Barone:
Come on, can't you be honest? I mean, look Ray, if you saw someone pretty today, you could tell me.

Ray Barone:
I saw nothing.

Debra Barone:
Wow, she must be beautiful.

Ray Barone:
Look, she's Nemo's niece. How beautiful can she be? You've seen Nemo. All right, some men might find her attractive. Nothing like you, though.

[Debra glares at Ray]

Ray Barone:
Which means that you are the more attractive one. I... I have the right to an attorney.

Debra Barone:
Ray, wake up!

Ray Barone:
There's pudding everywhere!

Debra Barone:
Would you sleep with her if we weren't married?

Ray Barone:
What? No! No. No. No!

Debra Barone:
Let's just pretend I didn't exist.

Ray Barone:
I don't like this ride. It's scary.

Debra Barone:
What are you afraid of?

Ray Barone:
Look, if you didn't exist I'd never meet another woman because I'd be a sailor. I'd sail. I'd just sail around the world by myself married to the salt and the sea.

Debra Barone:
Man, okay, just forget it. Good grief. I was just kidding.

Ray Barone:
All right.

Debra Barone:
Okay, so you're a sailor. You pull into the port of Queens to take on supplies and you go ashore to Nemo's. You're lonely from this long journey and you come upon this lovely pizza wench. Would you sleep with her?

Ray Barone:
You don't exist?

Debra Barone:
It's like It's A Wonderful Life. There's no Debra.

Ray Barone:
Well, then it's not a wonderful life, is it?

Marie Barone:
[the front door swings open showing Robert with a look of crazed fury on his face, startling everyone] How did your interview go?

Robert Barone:
Come here. Let me tell you about it.

Marie Barone:
Didn't it go well?

Robert Barone:
Oh, it was going okay, and then Agent Garfield read me a letter about crazy Robert in his lucky suit.

Debra Barone:
What?

Marie Barone:
I never said crazy.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Ma, what did you do?

Robert Barone:
She faxed the FBI a letter about how she ruined my lucky suit.

Marie Barone:
I wasn't sure it went through; it's the first time I ever used a fax machine.

Robert Barone:
Everybody, I have some great news!

Frank Barone:
Your blue ox came home?

Debra Barone:
Marie come into the kitchen. Robert maybe you should stay here and try blinking a few times

Marie Barone:
I know you understand what I mean. You have a picture of your mother on your desk.

Agent Garfield:
That's my wife.

Marie Barone:
A handsome woman.

Debra Barone:
All I'm saying is that given everything I do around here, why do I care so much that I can't make meatballs for my husband as good as his mother?

Ray Barone:
Because you're a good wife.

Debra Barone:
Don't you ever, ever call me that again.

Ray Barone:
Let me ask you something. How do you make those meatballs?

Marie Barone:
What do you mean?

Ray Barone:
I mean, you know, I know there's meat and there's balling but what do you put in it? Is there like a recipe or something?

Marie Barone:
I stopped using a recipe years ago. I cook from here.

[Marie points at her heart]

Frank Barone:
And you nag from here.

[Frank motions toward his mouth]

Marie Barone:
Oh, Frank. What are you doing putting back an empty thing?

Frank Barone:
That's not empty. There's some left there.

Marie Barone:
Two drops? Who's going to drink two drops of juice?

Frank Barone:
I am!

Marie Barone:
All right. Let me pour you a nice glass of juice.

[Marie pours out the rest of the juice in less than a second]

Marie Barone:
Say when.

Frank Barone:
Right there's perfect!

[Frank sips a tiny bit from the glass]

Frank Barone:
Ah! That was good. I think I'll save the rest for later.

[upon realizing her sculpture looks like a vagina]

Marie Barone:
Oh my God... I'm a lesbian.

[Ray and Marie are talking about the sculpture that Marie did that looks like a vagina]

Ray Barone:
It doesn't look bad.

Marie Barone:
It was an accident!

Ray Barone:
Well, so was penicillin. And Robert!

Marie Barone:
[as she realizes her sculpture looks like a vagina] Oh, my God. I'm a lesbian.

Janitor:
[about Marie's sculpture] If you ask me I think it looks like a...

Frank Barone:
[the Janitor whispers in Frank's ear and leaves. Frank continues to stare at the sculpture] Holy crap!

Ray Barone:
Did you have to dedicate it to me?

Marie Barone:
Oh who else?

Robert Barone:
[mockingly] who else?

Debra Barone:
Robert did you get botox?

Robert Barone:
Terrats

Ray Barone:
Turd hats?

[Attempting to say, "hello Ma. Happy Turkey Day"]

Robert Barone:
Hewo Na! Hahhe Hurkey ay.

[Robert has had his face injected with Botox making it difficult to talk. Ray makes fun of him and they are fighting]

Amy MacDougall:
Robert, just calm down.

Ray Barone:
No! I'm really tissed!

[to Marie, after she called their marriage to be loveless]

Frank Barone:
A loveless marriage? [angrily] A loveless marriage? [furiously] A LOVELESS MARRIAGE? [takes Marie's glasses and breaks them in half, and then he exits]

Robert Barone:
Three women, I don't know what I'm going to do.

Ray Barone:
You do a dance, you gigantic, lucky bastard.

Pat McDougal:
Now can I say oh?

Amy MacDougall:
We didn't miss church this morning. We decided not to go because Robert and I wanted to sleep in. He stays over quite often and I've decided that it's not a sin.

Robert Barone:
I should tell you that when I come over I don't sleep. Uh I mean all I do is sleep. I am out!

Hank MacDougall:
I don't think it's a good idea for us to be anywhere near your family.

Pat McDougal:
Don't take it personal. We're just not the type of people who would ever be seen with. You.

Marie Barone:
I take umbridge to that! I take severe umbridge!

Frank Barone:
Me too!

Robert Barone:
You don't even know what umbridge means.

Frank Barone:
Shut up!

Frank Barone:
Dear God, please keep this crazy in-law family the hell away from me!

Peter MacDougall:
I thought you were my friend.

Ray Barone:
Friends can disagree.

Peter MacDougall:
No they can't!

Ray Barone:
You're an idiot wrapped in a moron!

Marie Barone:
[Marie explaining how their marriage has work for so long] We might fight but we're OK with each other. You know why? We've endured. We have been through it all. And now... [hesitates]

Frank Barone:
We're waiting for death!

Ray Barone:
Men don't like to cuddle. We only like it if it leads to... you know... lower cuddling.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Hey, your the one that's always telling him to go. Complaining that he's always around. Putting him down.

Frank Barone:
I don't REALLY want him to go. If he goes, it's just me and HER!

Robert Barone:
[enters] Hey, I got some of my stuff.

Frank Barone:
DON'T GO! I-uh-I love you!

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
[enters] Hey Robert, you left your coat at my place.

Marie Barone:
I'll take it. [takes the coat and sniffs it]

Robert Barone:
I told you Ma, I don't smoke!

Marie Barone:
A good mother checks.

Marie Barone:
F-A-C-E, "FACE", are the ones in the spaces. And E-G-B-D-F are the ones with the line running through them. You know that.

Ray Barone:
Right...

Marie Barone:
What's E-G-B-D-F?

Ray Barone:
Ellen Garvey's Behind Deserves Framing.

Marie Barone:
I don't like that, Raymond.

Marie Barone:
Your father, his idea of culture is an undershirt with sleeves.

[Ray buys Deborah a sex game]

Marie Barone:
Another sex game? Didn't you have enough with that other sex game you and Robert used to play all the time when you were kids?

Ray Barone:
What?

Marie Barone:
You know, the one with all the colored dots...

Ray Barone:
Twister?

Marie Barone:
Don't think I didn't know what you were doing in the basement.

Ray Barone:
I played with Robert.

Debra Barone:
[They are playing the game. It's Debra's turn. She reads off the board] Kiss your partner as if they are about to go off to war.

[She kisses him passionatly for about ten seconds and then stops. After a slight pause Ray pushes her down on the bed and climbs on top of her]

Debra Barone:
Ray!

Ray Barone:
Come on! I'm going off to war... I could be dead tomorrow!

Debra Barone:
Would you just roll the dice!

Ray Barone:
[He rolls and moves his piece] Tell your partner something they do not know.

Ray Barone:
[He looks at Debra and then pushes her back onto the bed] I'm back from the war!

Debra Barone:
Ray! Come on! Do you want to play or not! Take the question seriously!

Ray Barone:
All right okay. This afternoon on my way home from getting the game I stopped and got a chili dog.

[He puckers up his lips expecting a kiss]

Ray Barone:
It's like getting into a hot bath. You know, at first, you don't think you can take it. But then, you know, once you get all your luggage in it's not that bad.

Ray Barone:
[about Robert and Frank] If either of them say one more word to me, I'm gonna go Batman on their ass!

Frank Barone:
[after Robert told a joke about an old man forgetting where he lives] That's good. I love an old man joke.

Marie Barone:
I married one.

Frank Barone:
Another good one!

Marie Barone:
Debra, I don't know why your rolls are all left. I liked them. The burnt part gave them some flavor. Don't worry about those pots and pans, honey. I know how to do those.

Debra Barone:
Well, cleaning is cleaning.

Marie Barone:
[exiting] You'd think so.

[Debra picks up a frying pan and starts charging toward Marie. Ray grabs the pan out of her hands]

Ray Barone:
All right. There it is. The raising of the pan. Thanksgiving is officially over.

Debra Barone:
And always with that little smile. She's so good at that.

Ray Barone:
Yeah. That was like a drive-by.

Debra Barone:
I should just tell her to...

Ray Barone:
You know what you could do?

Debra Barone:
What?

Ray Barone:
Gobble. Yeah, if you gobble, then she'll get bored, and she'll just leave you alone.

Debra Barone:
Thanks.

Ray Barone:
"Oh, Debra, I envy you, the way you can just roll out of bed and put on anything and not even care" Gobble gobble gobble gobble!

Debra Barone:
You know what? You might be right.

Ray Barone:
What?

Debra Barone:
Everything I told Ally about pretending it doesn't bother her, why haven't I tried that with your mother?

Ray Barone:
Because that's how you deal with children. Yeah, okay... but normal children. This one's big and a little off her nut.

Debra Barone:
No no. Every time Marie says something mean or insulting, I get mad. Maybe that's why she keeps doing it. I should just change the way I react to her. God, that's in every book.

Ray Barone:
Books. There's nothing wrong with how you react.

Debra Barone:
Ray, I wanted to hit her with a frying pan.

Ray Barone:
Get in line.

Robert Barone:
[Ray and Robert are arguing who Marie should live with] How about I hit you with your own wife?

Debra Barone:
I don't understand, Marie and Frank seem so happy here.

Scott:
I assure you, they're the only ones.

Marie Barone:
So, I'm not gone a month and my 100-year-old priceless Bulgarian upright piano is in the basement. And has been replaced by you... with this [pointing at the exercise machine]

Robert Barone:
Do you even know what that is, Ma?

Marie Barone:
Yes, I do know what that is! I may be an ancient relic as far as you're concerned, but I'm still able to know what things are!... this is a sex machine.

Robert Barone:
Ma!

Frank Barone:
Can I go for a ride?

Amy MacDougall Barone:
It's not a sex machine. It's for exercise.

Marie Barone:
I don't care what you call it. Look at this place. You two have turned my home into the Playboy Mansion

Robert Barone:
[complaining to God about his life] You are not funny!

Debra Barone:
[whispers to Raymond] He does screw with him a lot.

Debra Barone:
Marie said she was in "The Unsinkable Molly Brown".

Katie:
That is now a one-woman show.

Frank Barone:
Kill is going to Debra you!

Frank Barone:
Let me tell you something: you want that hate. If your kids like you, you've failed as parents.

Robert Barone:
Allow me to congratulate you on your magnificent success.

Pat McDougal:
You know I love you with all my heart Hank, but I think if I didn't have my cigarettes... I'd have to fight you!

Marie Barone:
[after Pat Reveals that she smokes, Marie is upset with Robert] So, suddenly Pat's a hero... How about if I smoked the pot... Would you be closer to me then?

Peter MacDougall:
You know, even though I'm not married, I do secret things to.

Amy MacDougall Barone:
We know Petey, eat your chips.

Peter MacDougall:
Sometimes I sneak up behind Miss Puss and bark like a dog.

Hank MacDougall:
Why don't you just drink poison?

Robert Barone:
Do you have any?

Frank Barone:
People heaven is for people. Your grandma's been hitting the sauce.

Robert Barone:
Pumpernickel sleeps with the fish sticks.

Raymond 'Ray' Barone:
Come on, Dad. Again, with the metal-detector? What are you doing?

Frank Barone:
Your mother's birthday's coming up.

Raymond 'Ray' Barone:
Dad, there's nothing here but rocks and dirt.

Marie Barone:
That's better than what he got me last year.

Frank Barone:
Bad animals go to hell, kid. Believe you me, I know. When I was your age, there was this mean old German Shepherd named Ilsa. I was walking to school one day and I must have crossed too close to her territory. In those days, the Germans were very sensitive about their territory. Well, that's all it took for Fraeulein Ilsa, the Nazi she-wolf, to jump out and take a hunk out of my all-American hide. I still have the scar. You want to see it? I'll show you...

[Frank stands up and begins to unbuckle his trousers. Raymond, Debra, and Marie protest]

Raymond 'Ray' Barone:
Dad, Dad, Dad! What are you doing? Sit down!

Frank Barone:
Oh, all right! The point is, Fraeulein Ilsa is probably in hell right now, dragging her Nazi butt across the devil's carpet.

Raymond 'Ray' Barone:
Thank you for that heart-warming story.

Frank Barone:
I had to pet that bunny. Every night!

Raymond 'Ray' Barone:
Every night?

Frank Barone:
Every night! That damn bunny need some attention. You guys never did anything. "Buy us a bunny, Daddy. We'll take care of it." I was lied to!!

Raymond 'Ray' Barone:
I was eight!

Frank Barone:
And already a liar!

Robert Barone:
[to Amy, about Peter] Yeah, I noticed his underwear hanging on the doorknob. Which reminds me, if you go out today, pick up a new doorknob.

Peter MacDougall:
Nobody judges you on the floor of the bus station.

Robert Barone:
[Amy starts to cry] Oh Amy! Don't cry! Don't Cry! Amy! LOOK FRUIT!

Peter MacDougall:
Yeah, Ray! I'll stay if Ray stays.

Robert Barone:
Everybody loves Raymond. When I go to work, people shoot at me. When Ray goes to work, people do the wave.

Frank Barone:
[Marie is rooting around in Ray's desk. The front door opens and Robert and Frank come in] Hey.

Marie Barone:
Oh, Frank Robbie! You scared me!

Frank Barone:
You don't leave a note. You just leave! We're looking all over for you.

Marie Barone:
Where did you look?

Robert Barone:
We thought we'd start here.

Ray Barone:
I'm begging you to stop smelling their heads. I'll give you money. Do you want some money?

Frank Barone:
Hey, save your money. You're gonna need it. Victoria's not a secret anymore!

Marie Barone:
You know, when somebody does you a favor you're supposed to say thank you.

Ray Barone:
Thank you. Thank you Mom and Dad. You're wonderful grandparents! You're not evil at all!

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
You let me win?

Frank Barone:
Good morning, Sunshine!

Frank Barone:
Zero serving zero. Ray can kiss my rearo

Debra Barone:
Honey, show daddy what you drew.

Ray Barone:
That's okay, I can figure it out.

[Ally hands Ray a drawing]

Ray Barone:
Um, lets see. A big wall of red?

Ally Barone:
No.

Debra Barone:
Ally told me that was a picture of you in hell.

Frank Barone:
You send your little lady out into a man's world with a naked finger? It's like banana time in the monkey cage!

Frank Barone:
I could have eaten a box of Alpha-Bits and crapped a better interview!

Ray Barone:
What about my Steinbrenner joke?

Marie Barone:
That wasn't funny. It's not nice to make fun of people.

Ray Barone:
Well what about this?

Robert Barone:
Well *this* is funny.

Frank Barone:
Didn't I teach you anything, you gotta problem with your woman you don't go out and get another one. Then you got two problems.

Ray Barone:
You know, we make a pretty good team together, your availability and my attractiveness.

Robert Barone:
Yeah, it's like Robert-Raymond.

Ray Barone:
No, it's Raybert.

Debra Barone:
It's not about winning and losing.

Ray Barone:
You know who says that? The loser.

Robert Barone:
Hey Ray I switched pillows with you. I hope that's okay. Down gives me nightmares.

Ray Barone:
About geese?

Robert Barone:
They will come after you!

Amy MacDougall:
Robert, six months ago when I asked about our future, you freaked out and we broke up. Now you're ready to get married, just because you're afraid of what your mother thinks?

Marie Barone:
Sometimes a mother knows best, dear.

Amy MacDougall:
Sometimes a mother should just butt out!

Amy MacDougall:
Sorry. I've had a very rough couple of days here. I've waited my whole life for the right time and the right man to be my first and now his entire building has a petition against me! And the second time I'm with my first, his mother walks in on us!

Amy MacDougall:
[turns to Robert] And now you're ready to get married just to make her happy? What is this hold she has on you?

[Robert shakes his head vigorously]

Ray Barone:
[to Debra] See? It's not just me.

Amy MacDougall:
I can't even cry because if I dab my eyes my pants will fall down! So EXCUSE me Marie, for not being polite!

Amy MacDougall:
[about to leave] And by the way, sometimes the noodles in your lasagna are overcooked!

[everyone is shocked]

Ray Barone:
We did something for Robert.

Marie Barone:
What did you do?

Ray Barone:
He just told us that he's been going through a rough patch financially, so we helped him out a little.

Marie Barone:
You mean with money?

Ray Barone:
Yeah.

Marie Barone:
How much?

Ray Barone:
A thousand dollars. [Marie gasps]

Frank Barone:
What are you two, idiots?

Debra Barone:
No. We thought it was the right thing to do. And you heard Marie. He's finally happy.

Marie Barone:
Why didn't he come to us if he needed money?

Frank Barone:
Because we'd say no.

Marie Barone:
I'm his mother. I'm the one he should have come to if he needed money. Raymond, I want to buy out that loan.

Frank Barone:
No! No way! Lending money to Robert is the stupidest thing I ever heard.

Debra Barone:
It wasn't a loan. It was a gift.

Frank Barone:
I stand corrected.

[Robert started hanging out with black people]

Frank Barone:
I don't even understand one word you're saying anymore. Yesterday, why the hell did you call me "dog"?

Robert Barone:
It's a good thing. It means I like you.

Frank Barone:
I see. In that case, from this day on I'm calling you "jackass". That's also a sign of affection.

[Ray comes in]

Frank Barone:
Hey, ugly.

Ray Barone:
What the hell was that for?

Frank Barone:
It's "Robert Talk". It means you're good-looking.

[to Marie]

Frank Barone:
Hey, good-looking.

Sergeant Judy:
Where do you hang out?

Robert Barone:
A great place. What's it called? My brother's house

Sergeant Judy, Robert Barone:
[laughs]

[about Robert's yellow and black clothing]

Frank Barone:
Nice suit. Where's Gladys and the other two Pips?

Robert Barone:
That is so whack!

Ray Barone:
We're Italian, Robert. "Whack" means something else to us.

Robert Barone:
[after Joanne called Marie a b*tch and Ray jumped in between them to hold Marie back] What am I going to do now?

Ray Barone:
[Rubbing his shoulder in pain] I tell you what you don't do. You don't call Mom a b*tch

Joanne 'Cinnamon' Glotz:
[to Marie] You are a pushy, manipulative b*tch.

Marie Barone:
I always KNEW I'd get this call!

Raymond 'Ray' Barone:
Really? "Your son's been gored in the ass by a bull" call?

Robert Barone:
[in the hospital] So, he's coming towards me, see...

Marie Barone:
Did you get away?

Robert Barone:
[pause] Where are we, Ma?

Ray Barone:
Rodeo, what is that? Police talk for whorehouse?

Debra Barone:
You're dancing with me today, Jerkwad!

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
You haven't called me that since our wedding!

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
I loved it when my mother said: "I'm a mother, you are my business!" You know what we're waiting for Ma? Your "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE".

[Marie has interupted the service]

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
[whispered to Robert] Did you bring your gun?

[Marie has given a speech about pushing Robert into marriage]

Amy MacDougall:
[Turning to Debra] Did she do this to you?

Debra Barone:
Honey, this is only the beginning!

[the Reverend has begun the wedding ceremony]

Reverend Stevens:
If anyone has any objections, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Marie Barone:
Excuse me, I need to say something

[all stare at Marie in horror]

Marie Barone:
Who told Robert to get a life?

[Frank walks in to everybody yelling]

Frank Barone:
Be quiet! Be quiet!

[Everybody quiets down]

Frank Barone:
I'm hungry.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
It's still doing it, Robert! Censor is going off for no reason at all.

Robert Barone:
Yeah, well it can be a bit jumpy. You know, for just an extra $25.99 a month I can install ANOTHER one.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Yeah. How about I install my FOOT RIGHT UP YOUR ...

Debra Barone:
RAY!

Marie Barone:
[Marie and Frank enter] Hello, dears.

Debra Barone:
[to Amy] Why couldn't the alarm go off now?

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
I didn't get robbed till I got an alarm!

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Do you want to be a cop? Or do you want to be an alarm salesman? Finish this sentence. I'm a...

Robert Barone:
cop

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Alright now why did you pick that?

Robert Barone:
Because you said "I'm a" and not "I'm an"

Marie Barone:
What we do in our bedroom is our own business, and I prefer not to be known as the whore of Lynbrook.

Frank Barone:
We can move from Lynbrook.

Debra Barone:
What's this?

Debra Barone:
It's a guidebook on how to talk to your kids about sex.

Marie Barone:
Why?

Debra Barone:
Actually, Ally's already starting to ask questions.

Marie Barone:
Really?

Debra Barone:
Yeah.

Marie Barone:
Well, may I ask what's going on around here that she needs to ask questions?

Debra Barone:
What? Nothing.

Marie Barone:
You know, they make robes that cover up a person.

Debra Barone:
What?

Marie Barone:
Yes, with a zipper.

Debra Barone:
You know, I have to get back to my laundry.

Marie Barone:
No no, I'm really serious, Debra. Why would you want to introduce a subject matter of this kind to an innocent child?

Debra Barone:
Listen, you should be happy we're taking care of this, because eventually, she might ask you a question.

Marie Barone:
But I'm her grandmother.

Debra Barone:
Yes, but you're a person. You're a woman.

Marie Barone:
I don't like this, Debra.

Debra Barone:
She might ask about you and Grandpa.

Marie Barone:
Well, if she does, I will change the subject and give her a cookie.

Debra Barone:
Is that what you do when Grandpa aks?

Frank Barone:
I don't care. If it's out in the open it's out in the open. Twice a week!

Marie Barone:
What are you doing? Don't lie like that Frank.

Frank Barone:
Who's lying? Come on Marie, I got a reputation. Word of mouth is everything in this business!

Frank Barone:
If you're having trouble making the wee-wacky-woo-hoo you did not get that from me.

Angela:
You know, Robert, we all come from frogs.

[Robert has escaped from a woman, by climbing out of her window]

Marie Barone:
Why did you do that?

Robert Barone:
She eats insects!

Marie Barone:
But, why did you climb out her window?

Frank Barone:
Hey, that's a very convenient way to get away from a dangerous woman. I mean, if your mother's apartment had been a couple of floors lower, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Ray Barone:
She's not the one.

Robert Barone:
What?

Ray Barone:
Listen, listen. I Saw something that I have to tell you, because you have to know, because I saw it.

Robert Barone:
What are you talking about?

Debra Barone:
What did you see, Ray?

Ray Barone:
Angela ate the fly!

Debra Barone:
What?

Robert Barone:
What do you mean?

Ray Barone:
The fly, that was flying around... Angela killed it, it fell on the table, she put it in the napkin and the she ate it!

Debra Barone:
What the hell are you doing, Ray?

Robert Barone:
Yeah man, what is your problem?

Ray Barone:
I'm telling you, I saw that woman eat a fly.

Debra Barone:
Oh, she did not! You must've seen something else.

Ray Barone:
What? What did I see?

Debra Barone:
I don't know, maybe it was a crouton or something.

Ray Barone:
A flying crouton?

Ray Barone:
When I was a teenager I wanted to write the Great American novel. But then I realized that I didn't even want to read the Great American Novel.

Ray Barone:
I'm six feet tall. People ask me how I am. I'm six feet tall. That's how I am.

[Debra and Ray accidentally left the twins alone by themselves and came home to find them eating pancakes]

Frank Barone:
[comes in] I smell pancakes!

Marie Barone:
[examining the boys] Oh, my God! Are you OK?

Marie Barone:
[also examining the boys] I'll never leave you boys again. It's OK, it's OK!

Frank Barone:
Gimme some pancakes!

Ally Barone:
[comes in from the kitchen] You want some pancakes, Grandpa?

Frank Barone:
What the hell do you think I've been saying?

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Look, I didn't mean to -

Peggy:
Didn't mean to what? Call me a scary, mean, old ass-grabber?

Marie Barone:
A woman doesn't get a man into a tent unless she's going in after him!

Peggy:
But for those 8 minutes, I was number 1!

Debra Barone:
Just go and take Ally, okay? She's got a sleepover at Molly's.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Whoa! Molly's?

Debra Barone:
Yeah, Molly's.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Isn't Molly's mom that Peggy? The Scout Master Nazi Cookie Hitler?

Debra Barone:
Yeah, that's how she's listed in the phonebook.

Molly:
Maybe Ally's dad could help us set up the tent.

Peggy:
That's alright. Mommy can do it.

Molly:
But you said you couldn't.

Peggy:
Molly, Mommy will figure it out.

[Ray comes inside the house completely soaked and clutching his destroyed umbrella]

Robert Barone:
What's with you? What happened?

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Nothing. Nothing, I went to the drug store and it's kinda windy out. Let me ask you something. What does it mean when a woman pats you on your, you know, on your bottom. [Robert and Gianni turn and stare at Ray]

Gianni:
What drug store did *you* go to?

Gianni:
In the animal kingdom, you stick your caboose in the air that's as good as a marriage proposal.

Jerry Musso:
Look what do you want from me?

Ray Barone:
So it's true? You *do* hate me?

Ray Barone:
Well hey I mean it's no big deal. I just want to know why.

Jerry Musso:
All right. You have to push it. Okay. Well there's just something about you. I've read your column, I've heard you speak, I look at you and I go, "I just don't get it". I guess you don't have to be smart to have a career in this business. Now if you know me you know I have pretty high standards and a very low threshhold for dumb. Now look I didn't want to say it. I was trying to be nice but you wouldn't let it go so why don't you go have a shrimp puff and leave me alone okay?

[Ray is hurt. Robert, who has been watching slowly walks up to Jerry]

Robert Barone:
Hold it right there you little twerp.

Jerry Musso:
Who are you?

Robert Barone:
Who am I? I'm someone who can crush you into a fine powder. That's who I am. Now, Ray Barone has more talent in the weird pimple on his neck that won't go away then you have in your entire body you oily, two-faced hack. You only wish you could be Ray Barone because you will never come close to him as a writer, as a father, as a friend, or as a person.

[Robert takes the napkin he used to spit out food and places it in Jerry's front pocket]

Ray Barone:
Come on Raymond.

[Ray and Robert walk away and Jerry goes up to Andy]

Jerry Musso:
Hey, who let those guys in here?

Andy:
I don't know but I'm sure as hell gonna find out!

[Robert has just helped Ray by using some well placed words to insult Jerry Musso]

Ray Barone:
Hey you know thanks.

Robert Barone:
Yeah, yeah.

Ray Barone:
That guy called me dumb.

Robert Barone:
You're not dumb Raymond.

Ray Barone:
I mean even if I am is that any reason to hate me?

Robert Barone:
Of course not. There's so many better reasons.

Ray Barone:
Yeah. Hey by the way that's not a pimple. That's an ingrown hair

Robert Barone:
Well it's weird and it won't go away.

Ray Barone:
I know.

Ray Barone:
I can't believe you're still living with them. If it was me I'd be cleaning off my fingerprints and rehearsing my 9-1-1 call.

Debra Barone:
Only three more weeks huh?

Robert Barone:
[depressed] Three more weeks.

Debra Barone:
Oh come on try to say it like this. [happily] Three more weeks!

Robert Barone:
Well when you put it like that it doesn't sound so bad. Here let me try. [mockingly] Bubonic plague!

Ray Barone:
[while eating ice cream] Mmm fudgy!

Bernie Gruenfelder:
All you have to do is type your browser to www.bernie.com and there I am straddling a jet ski. Oh sorry Ray. We know about computers but let's talk about something we can all understand. Pizza hot.

Ray Barone:
[He looks depressed. Bernie laughs]

Debra Barone:
Come on Bernie he didn't tell you about the test so you could make fun of him!

Bernie Gruenfelder:
You know nothing about friendship

Frank Barone:
I don't want my brain measured! It's gotten me this far.

Robert Barone:
Mr. Fogagnola, what are you doing here?

Signore:
I own here.

Robert Barone:
What happened to Nemo.

Signore:
He go away.

Robert Barone:
Where?

Signore:
Away.

Frank Barone:
I'm going to tell you about my marriage now, but we'll need the garbage disposal.

Frank Barone:
That broad ain't built for friendship.

Ray Barone:
Dad, put the fork down.

Frank Barone:
I'll put the fork down when there's a ticket on it!

Ray Barone:
Will you shut up about the snack? All right. Just shut up about the stupid, freaking snack! Here! You want the snack. Here.Take it.Take all of it. Here.Are these healthy enough for you? Plantains! You couldn't just put bananas on the list, huh? I ate two of these before I found out you got to cook them! -I'm sorry. What? You don't want to share T-ball with me? I don't want to share T-ball with you, Bryan. By the way, your kid's costing us the game out there, okay? Yeah, that's right. I'm keeping scooooooore. Bad! I'm keeping score, and we're losing because your kid's out there eating grasshoppers. Okay? I don't think that's an approved snack!

Bryan:
I'm sorry... I'm confused.

Frank Barone:
You want to know the meaning of life? You're born, you go to school, you go to work, you die. Canole... Marie

Ray Barone:
It turns out that Allie didn't want the sex talk! She asked me why God put us on earth!

Debra Barone:
So, what did you tell her?

Ray Barone:
I told her heaven was too crowded.

Debra Barone:
You what?

Ray Barone:
And then, I faked a cold and got the hell out of there.

Debra Barone:
I don't believe this! You wanted to act like a mature adult! Why didn't you stay and talk to her about it?

Ray Barone:
Because I studied for the sex talk!

Marie Barone:
Ah here it is! "Where there is no oxen, the crib is empty but good harvest comes from the strength of the bull"

Ray Barone:
That's got nothing to do with this!

Marie Barone:
No?

Ray Barone:
[pause] No!

Marie Barone:
Okay.

Debra Barone:
Marie, religious scholars spend their entire lives asking this question. You're not just gonna be able to pick up a bible and find the meaning of life.

Marie Barone:
Oh ye of little faith. That's in here too somewhere.

Marie Barone:
[Frank is taking male enhancement pills that affect his sense of taste] I'm touched that our years in the boudoir have meant so much to you.

Frank Barone:
Well, they have. But if it's all the same to you... I'd rather have the food.

Robert Barone:
He had to choose between his tongue and his manhood.

Eileen:
We do have counselors. Father Hubley is very good.

Ray Barone:
No, no. That's the last thing that we need.

Eileen:
Why do you say that?

Ray Barone:
Because then everybody's talking about it and...

Debra Barone:
Look what are you... Why do you have to be so closed minded? You see this is the attitude.

Ray Barone:
I'm not close minded.

Debra Barone:
Ugh! What are you doing? Right now? This is who you are! Why can't you just talk about things? Huh? Talk!

Eileen:
You know I have to say that you're actually exhibiting some of the very traits that seemed to jump off the page in Michael's book.

Debra Barone:
Who?

Eileen:
Um. well, uh, you.

Debra Barone:
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. First of all, it's not a book. It's pieces of construction paper.

Ray Barone:
You sound a bit close minded.

Debra Barone:
Hey!

[she turns towards Eiieen and throughout the next statement grows increasingly upset]

Debra Barone:
Eileen, you have no idea what I have to put up with. When I got married I didn't just get a husband. I got an entire freak show that put up their tent right across the street. And that would be fine if they stayed there. But every day, *every* day. They drop a truckload of their insane family drek into my lap. How would you like to sit through two people in their sixties fighting over who invented the lawn? The lawn! And then the brother!

[She starts imitating Robert]

Debra Barone:
I live in an apartment. I don't even have a lawn. Raymond has a lawn.

Debra Barone:
[as herself again] But you can't blame him when you see who the mother is. She has this sick hold on the both of them! And the father is about as disgusting a creature as God has ever dropped on this planet. So no wonder the kid writes stories! I should be writing stories! My life is a gothic novel. And until you have lived in that house with all of them in there with you, day after day, week after week, year after friggin' year, then you are in no position to judge me!

Robert Barone:
If I may, you mentioned, Father Hubley, I was not included in that book and that is a very astute observation. And I do believe that my unique position in this family, as that of an outsider, allows me to view this hodge-podge of life from a rather unique vantage point

Ray Barone:
The top of a beanstalk?

Robert Barone:
[he pauses in order to shake off Ray's comment and then continues talking to Father Hubley] And I do maintain that if anyone is to blame, Father, for this river of pent up hostility that runs through this sorry bunch like a you-know-what through a we-know-what. That person goes by the name, of Raymond.

Ray Barone:
Oh sit down you dope.

Robert Barone:
He is and always has been the center. The center of attention. The center of affection. He always gets the center chair in the kitchen. And this anger of which you speak from these poor souls stems from his unwillingness to share even the tiniest portion of the spotlight that shines, without end, on him. Thank you

[Robert begins to sit back down. Ray puts his hand on the seat which causes Robert to jump]

Robert Barone:
Ah! What are you doing? What are you doing?

Ray Barone:
What are *you* doing? Center chair. It's my kitchen get your own kitchen!

Robert Barone:
There ya go! See because I only have a kitchenette and he loves it! Right, Rub-It-In-Raymond? No house for me! No wife! No kids! No lawn! No nothing!

Robert Barone:
I'm writing my own book.

Ray Barone:
Get out.

Robert Barone:
That's the title.

Ray Barone:
There are times where you seem to yell for no reason, you know? Maybe... maybe that's what he's picking up on.

Debra Barone:
I'm pretty sure that most of the leading characters in that story were from the Barone side.

Ray Barone:
Yeah, okay, but the loud part, I'm thinkin', is probably you.

Adam:
Do any of you feel that the "anger" gets out of control?

Ray Barone:
No.

Debra Barone:
No, I really don't.

Frank Barone:
No, no way.

Marie Barone:
Yes.

Debra Barone:
What?

Marie Barone:
Yes, I do feel that the anger sometimes gets out of control. I feel it whenever I come into the house.

Ray Barone:
There is a solution.

Eileen:
I was really impressed with that Michael wrote about in his book, weren't you?

Debra Barone:
Me? Uh, definitely. Oh, definitely. Um, but I do think that his book was just a story. And, yes, obviously all stories do come from somewhere.

Ray Barone:
Well, not all of them.

Eileen:
Hmm?

Ray Barone:
I was just thinkin' something. I was just thinkin', some stories come from... like-like those shows you go to where they say, "Give us a location!" And then the audience goes, "An elevator!" And then they say, "What language should we do?" or something. And you yell, "French!" You know, and they do a hilarious thing right there. "Second floor - croissants!" You know? Yeah. They just-they make that stuff up right there on the spot. Yeah. So that would be one example where some stories do come from.

Eileen:
Is-is that what Michael did?

Ray Barone:
Probably not.

Ray Barone:
If you were on top of stuff, you coulda stopped the story from leakin' out.

Debra Barone:
I am on top of stuff! What do you do, huh? Look, those stories were supposed to be a surprise for the parents.

Ray Barone:
A surprise for the parents? I think the surprise is, you get to the school and there's an open bar. No, this was like an ambush.

Debra Barone:
And you can't even see what the real problem is here, can you? There's an image that Michael has of us.

Ray Barone:
Come on, we're normal. [Debra stares at him] Comparatively normal. Watch the news.

Marie Barone:
You think Michael's book is my fault, don't you? Don't you? Huh? If there's ever a problem in the family, it's the mother. It's *always* the mother. Well, you all ought to be ashamed of yourselves. And you, you-you allow that, Father Hubley? Shame on you. That's right. You had a mother. And you allowed all this to happen in your school, in your parish. This "new psychology" that children are always right, that they're being rewarded for every little thing they do with the stickers. I mean, these kids are coming home full of stickers for doing nothing! "Ooh, I went to the potty." "Here's a sticker." In my day, you had to *earn* a reward, and even then, you didn't get it. And if there was yelling in the house, you earned that, too. There was nothing to be ashamed of. I want to tell you something. There is nothing wrong with this family. We're very close, we're very open, and we're very loving, cause I make sure of it. But everybody has to make a big deal. You have to have a meeting, you have to have an inquiry, you have to have a witch hunt!

Frank Barone:
I think they found one.

Father Hubley:
Believe it or not, I do understand the pressures and tensions of raising a family in today's world. But I think this particular family compounds the problem by maybe being a bit too close to each other constantly, like Ping-Pong balls pounding and hitting off each other in the lottery machine. Except nobody wins in this one, least of all, the children. Which is what I got from this book. So it's not about you. Or you. Or you. Or you. Or even Raymond, today. It's about this little guy and this sweet, simple way of maybe giving you a message. [Frank pulls a tissue out of his pocket and dries his eyes. Marie takes it from him and does the same. Then Debra does it and offers it to Ray, who bats it away childishly]

Ray Barone:
Robert's my brother. I just want what's breast for him.

Debra Barone:
What?

Ray Barone:
Hmm?

Debra Barone:
You just said breast. I just want what's breast for him.

Sandy:
[Debra has shown up at Robert's apartment] We should get out of your hair. I see your cleaning lady's here.

Ray Barone:
Listen, nothing was going on, nothing. Nothing happened. Nothing would happen...

Debra Barone:
I know.

Ray Barone:
You do?

Debra Barone:
God, Ray, I mean, come on. I saw those women. Like you had a shot.

Ray Barone:
Okay, you're hurt, you're lashing out now.

Debra Barone:
Listen, all I want to know is why do you have to lie to me?

Ray Barone:
I don't have to, it's... just my way.

Debra Barone:
"Robert's touch and go, emotionally speaking." Why don't you just say, "I'm going over to Robert's to look at pretty girls"?

Ray Barone:
I got to be honest with you, it never occurred to me to say that.

Debra Barone:
Yeah, that's right, because I would have said no. And you would have to stop living vicariously through Robert.

Ray Barone:
That's right, vicariously. Vicariously, just looking. Not thinking, not moving, just thanking God for the blessing that is my beautiful wife while I hang pictures. Vicariously.

Robert Barone:
Wait, Deb. Look, before you go, I was in there hiding, but really thinking about what Ray had said before. And believe it or not, there's actually some truth to it.

Ray Barone:
It's okay, Robert, it's over. It's *all* over.

Robert Barone:
No, I'm serious here. When I first moved in here, I was kind of depressed. I was away from my family, I lost my girlfriend. And then Ray came over and he kind of liked the place. And for once, I had something that he thought was something. And it made the whole place better.

Ray Barone:
For Robert.

Robert Barone:
That's true. You know, me and Raymond, we don't get to hang out together that much and it's been - it's been good.

Robert Barone:
[Robert enters the house dressed as Santa Clause] Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Is Ally here? I understand there are doubts about me in this house.

Ray Barone:
There are now. Come on, Robert.

Robert Barone:
No, no. You have me mistaken for some other party. For I am the jolly old St. Nick. Ho, ho, ho! Mom told me what you did. Nice.

Debra Barone:
Hey, Ally look. It's Santa Clause!

Ray Barone:
Oh, God.

Ally Barone:
Santa?

Robert Barone:
Yes! It is really I! And I came to see *you*, Ally because I heard you were a very good girl this year and you're going to get everything you want. Ho, ho, ho! [He turns towards Ray] Unlike some other people. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Ray Barone:
Yeah, hold the ho's. I wanna talk to you for a minute Santa.

Robert Barone:
I'm sorry! I'm with a client. And you may call me Mr. Clause. Ho, ho, ho, ho! [Frank runs in also dressed as Santa]

Frank Barone:
Where's Ally? Ho, ho. [He sees Robert] Holy crap! What are you doing here?

Robert Barone:
I'm Santa Clause.

Frank Barone:
You're Santa?

Ray Barone:
Alright, alright. Will you guys cut it out? Come on. She's confused enough already.

Frank Barone:
What's there to be confused about? I'm the *real* Santa Clause! Who is *this* imposter?

Debra Barone:
Well, you couldn't both be Santa. You must be... Santa's helpers.

Frank Barone:
Right! He's my helper. [to Robert] Hey, helper! Why don't you go warm up the reindeer and bring the sled around?

[Ray has just learned that his Mickey Mantle autographed baseball may be a fake]

Debra Barone:
You okay, Ray?

Ray Barone:
What if they're right? What if he didn't sign this?

Debra Barone:
Come on, Ray. I don't remember you ever looking at that ball. It's been buried in the closet since we moved here.

Ray Barone:
No, not buried. Tucked away. You don't- you don't get it. Mickey Mantle signed this to me. To Ray. Ray. Then he wishes me luck. *Good* luck. Then he signs it. Mickey Mantle. Look at that. Look how the y in the Ray is the same as the y in Mickey. You know, for one moment the greatest player that I ever saw was thinking about me. I know it sounds stupid but this guy. This guy's the reason that I'm a sportswriter. This guy, this guy's Mickey Mantle.

Debra Barone:
Gee, that's beautiful Ray. It's very passionate. You remember what you said to me when you proposed? "So, how 'bout it?" [She rolls her eyes and walks away]

Debra Barone:
Ray, come on. Are you still thinking about that baseball?

Ray Barone:
No. No, I'm thinking about a lot of things now.

Debra Barone:
Like what?

Ray Barone:
Remember that guy that you went out with before me? Eric... Butterpants?

Debra Barone:
Eric Butterman, Ray.

Ray Barone:
Oh, so you *do* remember him!

Debra Barone:
Yeah. What about him?

Ray Barone:
You always said to me that you were glad that he broke up with you otherwise you would've never met me.

Debra Barone:
Yeah, so?

Ray Barone:
So. So, if he had never broken up with you, would you have been gladder?

Debra Barone:
You're really crazy. You know that?

Ray Barone:
No. No, no, no, no. How do I know? How do I know that I'm the one you want to end up with.

Debra Barone:
Here's a hint, Ray. Our three kids!

Ray Barone:
Yeah. Yeah. Our three blonde kids.

Robert Barone:
[Robert and Frank are both dressed as Santa and are trying to convince Ally that the other one is an imposter] I bet you can't even name the reindeer.

Frank Barone:
Oh! Uh, Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen. Uh, those are the main ones. We rotate 'em so they wear evenly. Uh, Cupid. Ajax. And Lefty!

Robert Barone:
Aha! Now we know the truth! Ho, ho, ho! [Ally pulls down his beard]

Ally Barone:
It's Uncle Robert.

Robert Barone:
No, no, little one. I have only assumed the body of a life-form that... you would accept.

Ray Barone:
Robert, you're Santa. Not a Klingon.

Hank MacDougall:
Did anyone hear some savages talking?

Frank Barone:
That bird was one of God's creatures! You had no right to kill it!

Hank MacDougall:
Well God did say, "Let man have dominion over the fish in the sea and the fowl in the air and every creeping thing that creepeth upon this earth"

Frank Barone:
You creepeth me out!

Frank Barone:
Animals tell it like it is. Woof! Moo! Quack!

Robert Barone:
[Robert enters the room, everybody's got silent] Is it about me?

Robert Barone:
If there is anything that I have learned in my years of experience with domestic disputes it is this. It is never just about the can opener.

Frank Barone:
Yeah, sometimes it's about a jar of fat.

Marie Barone:
How could you mention that.

Frank Barone:
I'll mention it. You went nuts over nothing

Marie Barone:
I had every right to go nuts with YOU for a husband.

Debra Barone:
Wait, wait, wait... what jar of fat?

Robert Barone:
[Robert and Ray both groan]

Marie Barone:
I'll tell you what jar of fat. It was beautiful. It was fat from pancetta and golden brown sausage.

Marie Barone:
[looks at Debra] You'd have to be a cook to understand. But it was months of carefully selecting only the best drippings [looks at Frank again] to prepare meals for Il Duce.

Frank Barone:
Yeah, you made all those meals just for me, and then YOU went out jogging.

Marie Barone:
That was my kitchen! You had no right to go in there and throw out my fat!

Frank Barone:
That jar was for my coins! I needed that!

Marie Barone:
YOU'RE SELFISH!

Frank Barone:
FAT COLLECTOR!

Marie Barone:
Ah you never appreciated me, EVER! You never, ever, appreciated me! I would work my fingers to the bone all day with the kids... with the cooking and the cleaning... and the laundry. Then you'd waltz in with your list of demands... and not even a thank you!

Debra Barone:
That's right!

Marie Barone:
Debra understands

Frank Barone:
You wanted a thank you? Where was my thank you? I waltzed in huh? I dragged my ass home everyday after ten hours stuck in a suit, stuck in an office, stuck in a car, and if I needed coins to pay the toll... that got me to that job... THAT PAID FOR THAT MEAT... THAT MADE THAT FAT... THEN I'LL DUMP IT OUT WHENEVER I WANT AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY!

Ray Barone:
[He swings a fist in the air happily]

Frank Barone:
That's right, you don't care. You have NEVER cared about how hard I work just to serve you!

Frank Barone:
Hey, I don't have to care... that's your JOB!

Robert Barone:
I stopped by Mom and Dad's for coffee. I couldn't take all the Mom and Dad. There's a vibe over there that gives me, I can't describe it. Searing abdominal cramps.

Debra Barone:
Why do you go over there?

Robert Barone:
Good coffee.

Debra Barone:
Well how's the coffee here?

Robert Barone:
[pause] Well when you factor in the vibe here the whole package is good

Frank Barone:
[after Ray and Debra have just made up] That's it? I'm sorry? At least when WE fight stuff comes out!

Marie Barone:
[Calm and assertively] Some of it will be coming out when we get home, Frank

[after finding a canister Debra told Marie she didn't have]

Raymond 'Ray' Barone:
I know how we can fix this. You just return the canister with your heart in it.

Marie Barone:
My canister! Where'd you get that?

Frank Barone:
I was... uh... was hiding it for you! Thought it would be funny.

Marie Barone:
You what?

Frank Barone:
Yeah, I was using it to store my nuts and bolts in. Then when I heard you bragging about it, I, uh, hid it in the attic. Pretty funny, huh?

Marie Barone:
Frank, I love that canister!! I've been running around, tearing my hair out, like a crazy woman looking for that!!!

Frank Barone:
All *funny*.

Frank Barone:
Hey! Is that Marie's canister?

Debra Barone:
No! [walks away]

Frank Barone:
[follows Debra] Wait a minute! Let me see that! You DID have that canister! [smiling] She's been going on and on about that thing like it's King Tut's golden undies.

Debra Barone:
Please... Frank... d-don't say anything. If she finds out I had this thing...

Frank Barone:
[chuckling] You're in big trouble lady.

Debra Barone:
Listen, I-I'm begging you Frank. What do I do?

Frank Barone:
[smiling] Give your heart to God cause your ass is Marie's

Marie Barone:
Oh really Frank? Well here's what's not funny. THIS MARRIAGE!

Debra Barone:
Marie, I...

Frank Barone:
[interrupts Debra] Let her go.

Marie Barone:
This is so typical of you and your *so called* sense of humor. You have NO respect for me whatsoever, and you never have! Well I promise you something, Frank. You will NOT be looking back on this little stunt as funny. I hope you're happy with yourself. You have RUINED EASTER! [grabs canister out of Frank's hands and storms off into the kitchen]

Debra Barone:
Frank, I don't know what to say. Why did you do that?

Frank Barone:
I don' know, I didn't want that to happen to you. You're like my daughter.

Debra Barone:
Oh, [smiling] thank you.

Frank Barone:
And she was gonna yell at me like that later anyway. I ate the back side of that ham.

Marie Barone:
[in the kitchen and has noticed the back side of the ham] FRANK!

Debra Barone:
Ray, when you're on the Titanic, you load the lifeboats, you don't stop to yell at the iceberg.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
No, I'm not going to one of those things. What if they drug me and I wake up chained to a goat?

Frank Barone:
You just described my wedding.

Robert Barone:
I felt like I was a part of something. You know where they wanted me around and really cared about me.

Marie Barone:
You have that here you stupid ass!

Robert Barone:
The path is straight. And the children of the path shall walk along it straightly on it's straighty straightness.

Phyllis:
This dog was good for one thing and now he's broken!

Robert Barone:
[Defensive] Don't talk about him like that!

Phyllis:
Say thank you Baron.

Robert Barone:
Baron?

Debra Barone:
Ally it's dinnertime honey.

Ray Barone:
See? For the kids it'd be great. A pet.

Debra Barone:
Ally already has a hamster.

Ray Barone:
Hamster. You can't play catch with a hamster. Well, you can but the hamster doesn't look forward to it.

Debra Barone:
Ray, you know I love dogs but the last thing we need is something else that eats and poops.

Ray Barone:
Okay, I'll stop doing one of those.

Ally Barone:
What's that?

Ray Barone:
Sweetie it's a doggie. Isn't he great?

Ally Barone:
He smells.

Ray Barone:
[to Debra] She says that about the twins and we keep them.

Frank Barone:
[Robert gives Ray the dog to give back to Phyllis] You gave him back? What about the two-hundred bucks we just spent to have him fixed?

Robert Barone:
You guys have any Maalox or something?

Debra Barone:
What's the matter Robert? Did you eat something bad?

Robert Barone:
I'm a cop and I live with my parents. I'm on a steady diet of human suffering.

Nurse:
Debra Barone?

Debra Barone:
Yep. Hi how'd it go?

Nurse:
Mrs. Barone are there any allergies or conditions your husband may have neglected to tell us about?

Debra Barone:
What do you mean? Why?

Nurse:
Well we're having difficulty bringing him out of the anesthesia.

Debra Barone:
What?

Nurse:
He should have been out by now. He's not responding and his blood pressure has dropped below a certain level.

Debra Barone:
[Begins crying] Robert

Robert Barone:
What is it?

Debra Barone:
He's not...

Robert Barone:
What? Raymond?

Amy MacDougall:
What's happening?

Debra Barone:
He's not waking up!

Robert Barone:
[to the Nurse] Well just let me go in there I'm his blood type [the nurse shakes her head] No no listen to me! He is my brother I can wake him up. Raymond!

Nurse:
[Robert runs to the door] Sir please

Doctor:
Hi are you the Barones?

Robert Barone:
My brother is in there! Raymond!

Doctor:
He's fine now. His blood pressure's returning to normal and he's coming out of it. This happens sometimes. It's a form of hypertension but he's perfectly all right.

Debra Barone:
Oh, thank you.

Doctor:
You can see him in a few minutes

Debra Barone:
[Obviously relieved] Oh, Oh my God.

Robert Barone:
Well okay but it was fine.

Amy MacDougall:
Yes.

Robert Barone:
He said it went fine. It went good.

Amy MacDougall:
I noticed the nurse was still buttoned.

Debra Barone:
Now listen. What happened in there, Nobody... tells... Ray

Frank Barone:
Or his mother

Debra Barone, Robert Barone, Amy MacDougall:
[Nods in agreement]

Marie Barone:
I'm going to the powder room for a moment and when I get back I expect everyone to have a proper look of concern on their faces!

Robert Barone:
[He smiles gleefully]

Marie Barone:
Robert!

Robert Barone:
[His smile disappears. Marie walks into the bathroom and Robert starts grumbling]

Frank Barone:
Listen while you're in there have the doctor look at your unenjoyable testicle.

Ray Barone:
It's undescended Dad.

Frank Barone:
Yes, and do you enjoy it that way? What's the big deal? He'll be down there anyway.

Robert Barone:
Do you even know where the adenoids are Dad?

Frank Barone:
Sure, around back with the other "oids"

Robert Barone:
Raymond has his adenoids out the whole world has to stop.

Amy MacDougall:
Robert, it's okay he feels better that we're here.

Robert Barone:
Oh he has no feelings. The only reason I'm here is that Ma knows I'm the same blood type as him.

Marie Barone:
Not everything's about you Robert. And keep your sleeves rolled up

Robert Barone:
Maybe I had other things to do today.

Marie Barone:
Enough! This is what a family does. We stick together and we support each other.

Robert Barone:
[She touches his arm] Stop looking at my veins

Ray Barone:
For thirty seconds you all thought I might be dead.

[He pauses and looks around at the family who remains silent]

Ray Barone:
What'd everybody do?

Debra Barone:
You weren't dead! It was thirty seconds!

Ray Barone:
Well thirty seconds is a long time. What went through your mind. Thirty seconds okay go. I have to plan a funeral. I have to raise three kids myself. On the other hand I can start dating again. I'm gonna need new shoes. You know who's cute? Gianni.

Marie Barone:
Debra!

Frank Barone:
Enough! I was there! I saw your wife fall apart! I never saw her look that way and I tell ya I never want to see her look that way again!

Ray Barone:
Is that true?

Debra Barone:
A little

Amy Barone:
When we were driving home, "You Are The Sunshine Of My Life" came on the radio and he had to pull over for a little bit.

Robert Barone:
Oh he is not the sunshine of anything! For your information Amy I pulled over because I thought I hit a cat!

[after it is revealed to Ray that he almost died while Marie was in the bathroom]

Marie Barone:
Next time this happens I get to be there!

[last lines]

Debra Barone:
[the entire family is gathered all around the table] Hey, Ray it's a little crowded in here.

Ray Barone:
Maybe we should get a bigger table.

[Debra is trying to talk Marie into making up however she is not listening]

Marie Barone:
Frank would like some more sauce?

Frank Barone:
No sauce! Talk!

[She pauses and then looks at Robert]

Marie Barone:
How about you Robbie?

Robert Barone:
[Extending out his plate] Yeah sure I'll take some more.

Frank Barone:
You take that sauce and I'll kill you.

Marie Barone:
We haven't talked for 35 years.

Frank Barone:
I didn't want to interrupt!

Marie Barone:
You have scruples?

Frank Barone:
I got scruples. I got scruples the size of basketballs

Robert Barone:
The other kids called me sas-squish

[after giving his father a great gift and wondering how he's going to give one equally good next year]

Raymond:
You don't get it. It's not that I don't have to worry for a year, it's that I have a YEAR to WORRY!

Robert Barone:
Well Dad at least you still have the good old remote boat. Where is it?

Frank Barone:
I needed a coffin for Stan.

Robert Barone:
You buried Stan in the remote boat?

Frank Barone:
Ally wanted to have a ceremony. You don't just flush a forty dollar fish down the toilet.

Ray Barone:
What's with you?

Debra Barone:
I just haven't been over here since they packed. Weird, isn't it?

Ray Barone:
Yeah. Closing day at the mental institution.

Robert Barone:
Yep. Final clearance - all crazies must go.

Debra Barone:
Come on. Come on.

Ray Barone:
What?

Debra Barone:
It's just not that it's actually happening, I feel...

Ray Barone:
...like ruining everything?

Marie Barone:
Well, I guess that's everything.

Debra Barone:
Marie, I want to say something.

Ray Barone:
Goodbye. We love you. I guess it's time to go.

Robert Barone:
Yeah yeah, is it 4:00 already? Remember the traffic dad, huh?

Frank Barone:
Holy crap. Marie, let's hit it.

Debra Barone:
[shoving Ray out of the way] Marie, I have some unresolved feelings.

Ray Barone:
Ow!

Debra Barone:
Okay. I know I should have said this years ago, but... We kind of - no, we have butted heads a lot over the years and... we've said some unfortunate things to each other and about each other, and I guess we've just decided that that's how it is. But I know that you and I are not okay with the way things are between us. You know, when you told me that you were moving, I was happy, because it meant I wouldn't have to deal with all the fighting and the tension. But I don't like feeling that way. I feel like we're just giving up, and I don't want to do that. I don't. I... I think that there could be so much more for us. And I'm sorry that we haven't gotten there yet, but I think that we can.

Marie Barone:
Oh, Debra... do you know what your problem is? You're always so dramatic. I'm fine with the way we are.

Debra Barone:
Have a great trip

Marie Barone:
Let me tell you, it didn't start with a smile. It started with nineteen hours of horrible labor!

Frank Barone:
But before that, there was a smile.

Ray Barone:
[recognizing each family member in turn] And you sweet mother. Without your pushing, I would still be in your womb.

Frank Barone:
You don't know a monkey wrench from a monkey's ass.

Ray Barone:
[to Robert] Dude you are way too free with the body

Ray Barone:
[Ray is climbing into bed with Robert after a fight with Debra] Man you think you could put on a shirt.

[pause]

Ray Barone:
And some underpants

Robert Barone:
Hey Deb, I'm really sorry.

Marie Barone:
I managed to throw the ball very well.

Robert Barone:
Well, I thought Ray was cutting back towards the window.

Debra Barone:
A CLOSED window?

Robert Barone:
Well, I could tell it was closed. The glass looked very clean.

Marie Barone:
All right. Nobody believes you anymore, Robby.

Debra Barone:
Um did you guys get the...

Robert Barone:
Mail? Oh yeah.

Debra Barone:
Ray did everybody read that?

Frank Barone:
You're my favorite writer!

Debra Barone:
Marie I think you misunderstood the purpose of that letter.

Marie Barone:
I think I understood it very well. According to you I'm intrusive, critical

Frank Barone:
Overbearing

[Frank is gleefully reading Debra's letter to Marie]

Frank Barone:
Is this a petition? Where do I sign?

Ray Barone:
[He enters the house and sees Helen setting up for the party] Am I in the right house? Cause I have these dreams sometimes.

Helen:
I'm Helen from tupperware

Ray Barone:
Yep. That's one of 'em

Debra Barone:
[after everyone leaves her party early] This is not what I wanted!

Marie Barone:
Of course it isn't dear. Nobody *wants* to throw a bad party.

Frank Barone:
It's a whole bag of nighties...

Debra Barone:
No, Frank that's... It's for a game.

Frank Barone:
I'm in!

Helen:
Ok, for more free tupperware, it's time to play, "Guess Who's Nightie?" Did everybody put their nightie in the bag?

Debra Barone:
Yes, Ma'am.

Amy MacDougall:
Yes.

Marie Barone:
No. I didn't bring one. I wasn't told about the party.

Helen:
Well, why don't you pick first?

Marie Barone:
Ok.

[she reaches into the bag and pulls out a black nightie. There is a chorus of "oohs" and "whoos"]

Gayle:
I guess Amy.

Debra Barone:
Yes!

Marie Barone:
Amy? No.

Amy MacDougall:
Well, I never wear it.

[Marie is shocked]

Amy MacDougall:
Actually, I bought it special for this game. Really. Robert's never seen it!

Ray Barone:
Ok, Robert, you want to know the advantages of marriage? Fine... There's... Uh... OK! Here! Got it! You know when you fall asleep and you stop breathing? When you're married, there's always somebody there to nudge you back to life... That's not a good example. Ok...

Robert Barone:
Ray...

Ray Barone:
No! I got this! Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up- she's there. You come back from work- she's there. You fall asleep- she's there. You eat dinner- she's there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing. But, it's not.

[touches Debra's shoulder]

Ray Barone:
Not- Not if it's the right person.

[pause]

Frank Barone:
I'd like a minute for rebuttal.

[first lines]

Frank Barone:
Okay everybody, you're allowed in my home unless you sit in my chair, touch my remote, or are married to me.

Marie Barone:
That's how you talk after church, Frank?

Frank Barone:
Yeah, my prayers weren't answered.

Marie Barone:
Next time, pray for hair.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
I hate to break it to both of you, but God stopped listening to you two a long time ago.

Sam:
When I was a kid I used to work at the same company as your father. He was a real mentor to me.

Robert Barone:
Mentor?

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
You sure you don't mean *tor*-mentor?

Amy MacDougall Barone:
[after Marie critizies Deborah's cooking] Did that hurt your feelings a little?

Deborah:
Well, ya.

Amy MacDougall Barone:
[mocks Frank] Well, stop your cryin, and get off your pitty pot, Nancy!

Deborah:
You really are queer.

Marie Barone:
Oh Robby, that's wonderful! As a boy, you were always a Looker.

Frank Barone:
I always thought he was more of a "Look at that!".

Amy MacDougall Barone:
They say he could make a hundred thousand a year!

Frank Barone:
Holy crap! [to Robert] Shut up, paint your face, and start swingin' it down town!

Amy MacDougall Barone:
While we were waiting for our food, Robert got discovered!

Raymond 'Ray' Barone:
Discovered as in "Hey, I found Bigfoot"?

Amy MacDougall Barone:
When we were waiting for our order in the bar, ROBERT GOT DISCOVERED!

Ray Barone:
Discovered as in, hey I found Big Foot?

Robert Barone:
I don't know what happened. Even the lightbulbs are gone. It-it's like a con job.

Ray Barone:
How could it be a con job? I mean - oh, don't tell me you paid the guy to represent you.

Robert Barone:
No. I only paid for the pictures. I paid for the pictures.

Ray Barone:
Oh... man. How much?

Robert Barone:
$1000.

Ray Barone:
$1000? Are you nuts?

Robert Barone:
It would've cost me a lot more with one of those outside guys!

Ray Barone:
Oh my God!

Robert Barone:
I feel sick.

Ray Barone:
All right, easy. Easy!

Robert Barone:
I can't breathe! I can't breathe! I can't breathe!

Ray Barone:
Calm down! Robert! Just calm down.

Robert Barone:
I can't breathe!

Ray Barone:
Calm down. Calm down!

Robert Barone:
How can I calm down?

Robert Barone:
How can I calm down? Do you know what this means? I've been conned and I'm a cop. I'm a conned cop!

Ray Barone:
All right. So why don't you just track the guys down, and you throw 'em in jail?

Robert Barone:
Yeah sure. I can just imagine the headlines: "Giant Cop is Giant Schmuck!"

Robert Barone:
How do I face Amy and Mom and Dad - They think I'm a model!

Ray Barone:
Nobody thinks that.

[last lines]

Frank Barone:
I didn't know you needed support. Any time you need to talk, I'm here for you, dumbass.

Amy MacDougall Barone:
There's going to be nude people! At a Church! On a Wednesday!

Amy Barone:
Why would Ray keep turning you down?

Debra Barone:
For the power!

Amy Barone:
All I had to do was kiss Robert's ear and he just said Ray's crazy. He doesn't usually like to mention Ray in the bedroom. He says it inhibits him.

Marie Barone:
[Ray and Robert have a flu] I told you two to button up your coats

[Frank is eating lasagna from the platter]

Marie Barone:
Frank! What are you doing? You can't eat it from there! Your fork was in there! Now nobody can eat it!

Frank Barone:
That's all I have to do? In that case, the fork's been in the ice cream, too!

Ray Barone:
[comes in] Hey.

Marie Barone:
Hi, Raymond. Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat? Only you can't have lasagna... Or ice cream.

Frank Barone:
[sticks his fork in cake] Or chocolate cake.

Marie Barone:
Look at him! He's like an animal, marking his territory!

[Frank sticks Marie with the fork]

Marie Barone:
Hey!

Frank Barone:
What? That's a compliment.

Ray Barone:
God, how I wish I could say this is the wrong house...

Marie Barone:
That's it! No more tag-arounds!

Robert Barone:
It's a ride along, Ma.

Robert Barone:
[on the radio] Open warehouse door check out okay. We'll do another check in a while and if need be call in the bow-wow.

Robert Barone:
[to Ray] That's a police dog.

Ray Barone:
A bow-wow's a police dog? How do you crack that code?

Ray Barone:
Maybe later we can climb a tree and save a meow-meow.

[Robert comes into the jail to discover Debra in it]

Robert Barone:
[to Ray] Oh! So she finally killed Ma.

Marie Barone:
You smoke?

Jennifer Whelan:
I used to smoke.

Debra Barone:
Oh yeah everyone at her commune smoked. Sometimes those funny little cigarettes too.

Frank Barone:
You were a pot smoking hippie?

Jennifer Whelan:
It was just a place where people could live together and grow organic vegetables.

Debra Barone:
Naked.

Marie Barone:
You handled food naked?

Ray Barone:
That's what makes it organic.

Frank Barone:
[to Jennifer] It's so rare that I am able to talk to someone in your vocation. Which leads me to my question. What do you gals wear under there?

Ray Barone:
I just lied half naked to a nun.

Robert Barone:
Deb, Deb, Deb, Deb. Deb.

Debra Barone:
What?

Robert Barone:
Don't pretend with me. I only know too well the pain of being number two.

Debra Barone:
What did Ray tell you?

Robert Barone:
About you and your sister? He doesn't have to tell me. I've seen that face before... in the mirror.

Debra Barone:
No, my sister and I don't have that kind of relationship.

Robert Barone:
Oh, no? Starts the first day they bring the new one home. There you are, innocently playing with your bongo monkey, all the relatives just oohing and aahing over the new little blessing, so cute, so - so precious. Then Mama's darling begins to cry. Someone comes up with the bright idea of giving him your bongo. That'll calm him down. And from that day forward, say goodbye to your monkey and assume the position. You are now number two.

Debra Barone:
I'm the younger one, Robert.

Robert Barone:
What's that?

Debra Barone:
I'm the youngest. They would be giving me the bongo monkey.

Robert Barone:
Oh. Well, it's just a very general story intended to illuminate the human condition.

Debra Barone:
Thank you.

Robert Barone:
Give me more than Ray.

Jennifer Whelan:
I know you can't believe it, but I happen to be serious about this.

Debra Barone:
Why?

Jennifer Whelan:
What, why am I becoming a nun?

Debra Barone:
Yeah, why don't you tell me?

Jennifer Whelan:
Because I wanna be better than you.

Debra Barone:
Ray and Robert, they have this, like, completely screwed up relationship, but at least they have each other, you know? I mean, they fight, they compete and they blame their lives on their parents. They're real brothers.

Robert Barone:
Hey, Ma. I told Nemo you were hurt so he threw in these breadsticks for free.

Marie Barone:
These look old.

Frank Barone:
You are what you eat.

Marie Barone:
Robbie, give your father his order of miserable bastard.

Debra Barone:
You know, I don't think I'm gonna have Lisa sit for us anymore.

Ray Barone:
What? No! Listen, I never think of her, ever.

Debra Barone:
Uck. No, idiot. God! No, I was just thinking... I don't know, leaving the kids with a sitter so much. It just... It feels wrong.

Ray Barone:
Wrong? What - it gives us more time to love each other. And if loving you is wrong... Baby, I don't want be right.

Debra Barone:
Well, it just doesn't feel right to me.

Ray Barone:
Come on. She's a great babysitter. It's what we always dreamed of. Come on. Look, because of her, you've got nail polish on. Don't you love that? I love it. Look at the little piggies and wee-wee-wee-wee-wee

Debra Barone:
Stop it! No, you don't care about nail polish.

Debra Barone:
I know, but - you wanna go back to the way it was with the kids covered in salsa and you wanting me to help? That's... I mean, that's... That's no kind of life.

Debra Barone:
Yeah, but Ray, look, they are only young once. This is our only chance to enjoy this age.

Ray Barone:
Well, what about my age? When do we get to enjoy my age?

Debra Barone:
All right, okay. If we have to leave the kids with somebody, then you know... maybe it should be your mom. Because after all she is... family. Think of how your mom must feel with this. She comes over here and she sees Geoffrey and Michael and Ally playing with some stranger and they're having so much more fun with her than they ever had with... her

Ray Barone:
Okay, okay, we'll get my mom then. Look, the bottom line is quality time, that's all. And by quality time, of course, I mean...

[Ray starts singing "Loving You" in falsetto]

Debra Barone:
She is really hurt. I am such a jerk.

Ray Barone:
You left some toys around. What? It happens.

[Debra starts crying]

Ray Barone:
What? No! What? Please stop. I didn't mean *you* left them around. They got left around. Come on, the kids probably left them, the stinking kids

Debra Barone:
No, Ray, it's my fault.

Ray Barone:
No, no, it isn't

Debra Barone:
Yes it is, 'cause I set her up. I just couldn't stand how much the kids wanted to be with Lisa. So I got your mom to babysit, so it... wouldn't go as well.

Ray Barone:
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You told a perfectly nice girl not to come because you thought the kids liked her too much?

Debra Barone:
Mm-hmm.

Ray Barone:
And then you brought in Old Yeller to make yourself feel better?

Debra Barone:
Yes. I'm terrible. I'm this evil person.

Ray Barone:
I love this!

Marie Barone:
Hello dear.

Debra Barone:
What you doing there?

Marie Barone:
Oh, this? This is called polishing silver.

Debra Barone:
No, I-I know that. It's just that we don't often see your silver.

Marie Barone:
Oh, please, stop hinting Debra. The silver is going to Robbie. It's already in the will.

Ray Barone:
What's this? For Lee and Stan's anniversary party?

Marie Barone:
Yeah, their forty-fifth. They are our dearest friends but I have to tell you. I never thought they'd last *this* long.

Marie Barone:
What could you have taped over it that was so important?

Robert Barone:
Football.

Marie Barone:
Sports? *Sports?*

Raymond 'Ray' Barone:
Ma, it was the Super Bowl.

Marie Barone:
It doesn't matter if it was the Super Duper Bowl, it's still sports!!!

Frank Barone:
I killed a bird once.

Frank Barone:
Well, Raymond. Nice going. You ruined that old crow's birthday.

Amy MacDougall:
You know, Robert. I got to say that book seems a little more thoughtful than what you got me.

Ray Barone:
What'd he get you?

Amy MacDougall:
Tickets to the Ice Capades.

Robert Barone:
What's wrong with that? The Ice Capades is two and a half hours of frozen fun.

Amy MacDougall:
You're very thoughtful, Ray. You should trust your own instincts.

Ray Barone:
Yeah? Cause I did think of something. You know how Debra's always saying she's always cold? So I thought, what if I get her this really great, top-of-the-line, primo space heater? [Amy smiles at Ray, unsure how to tell him he has a terrible idea] Top of the line! Four settings. Low, medium, high... off.

Robert Barone:
Raymond, have you ever even met your wife? Do you know anything about her?

Ray Barone:
I know she gets chilly.

Robert Barone:
What are you doing here?

Ray Barone:
No, I was just in the neighborhood. Thought I'd drop in and say howdy doodle.

Robert Barone:
Howdy doodle? What, are you hitting the eggnog?

Ray Barone:
It's unbelievable. You know, I try to do something nice and thoughtful and it's like I killed my mother's birthday.

Debra Barone:
Yep. Very, very thoughtful.

Ray Barone:
What?

Debra Barone:
Hmm? Nothing. No, I guess I was just surprised at how thoughtful your mom's gift was but I shouldn't be surprised because you always put a lot of effort into the things that you buy. For her.

Ray Barone:
Goodnight.

Ray Barone:
I want to get something really special for Debra this year, you know? Cause she's just... so great.

Amy MacDougall:
Oh, I know. Debra loves pajamas!

Ray Barone:
No! Nah, no pajamas.

Robert Barone:
[as if he has an idea] Hey, you know what? Get out.

Ray Barone:
[Ray ignores Robert] I just-I just. I want to get her something thoughtful, you know? Something that says, "Debra, you mean so much to me, and this gift makes me think of you." So what do you got?

Marie Barone:
Frank, why can't you put more thought into what you got me?

Frank Barone:
Slippers are very thoughtful. Every day I see your feet when you get out of bed. So I thought and I thought and I thought. What can I get to cover up those things?

Debra Barone:
You gave me the perfect present.

Ray Barone:
You know I almost went with another idea. Something from Lake Saugatuck.

Debra Barone:
Lake Saugatuck? I don't think I've even mentioned that in ten years.

Ray Barone:
Well, you know, I guess I remembered it cause I knew how important it was to you. [Debra hugs Ray]

Debra Barone:
Oh, isn't he too much, huh?

Robert Barone:
[yelling] It was me!

Debra Barone:
What?

Robert Barone:
You should be happy with me! I told him to get you that book! It was my idea! Not Raymond's! Me, mine, all me!

Ray Barone:
Robert.

Robert Barone:
Oh, you never even heard of "To Kill A Mockingbird"!

Ray Barone:
Yes I did!

Robert Barone:
You did not! You never read the book! You never saw the movie! I bet you didn't even know there *was* a movie about it! Huh? Who was the star of the movie, Raymond?

Ray Barone:
Wha-what does that got...

Robert Barone:
Gregory Peck! Gregory Peck! He played Atticus Finch! Gregory Peck! [he imitates Gregory Peck's performance] All right, Scout. Step aside while I shoot this rabid dog. [continues yelling] He won the Oscar in 1962! You moron!

Ray Barone:
I've gotten you plenty of thoughtful stuff. You're not making any sense! Maybe you're delirious from lack of sex.

Debra Barone:
You always get me gift certificates and backrub IOUs or stuff that I've had to hint that I want like, like these pajamas for instance.

Ray Barone:
You never hinted about those pajamas

Debra Barone:
I gave you the color, the size, directions to the store, directions from the front of the store to the pajama department. I still had to return them because you got the wrong ones.

Ray Barone:
See, if you sleep naked we don't have this problem.

Debra Barone:
All you care is about is "What should I get for my mom?", "You think my mom will like this?", "Why don't we ask my mom?" Mom, mom, mom, mom, ma.

Robert Barone:
How do we get out of here?

Ray Barone:
Come on, Debra! You got your book. I gave it to you. You should be happy. Isn't it the thought that counts?

Debra Barone:
Yeah but it wasn't *your* thought. It was his!

Amy MacDougall:
[pokes Robert in the stomach] Yeah! And why do you care so much about her gift?

Robert Barone:
I don't care about her gift. I was just trying to make him look bad. [to Ray] Sorry, man.

Ray Barone:
It's okay. I understand.

Debra Barone:
You know, Ray? I don't want you to ever get me another gift again because every time you do it just makes me realize how little you care. [shoves the book into Ray's hands] Merry Christmas Ray.

Ray Barone:
Oh, come on! Now you're becoming my mother!

Debra Barone:
What?

Ray Barone:
What do you know about it? Mom and Dad didn't return your gift. You don't know what it's like.

Robert Barone:
Oh, I'm sorry. You haven't read my book, "You're in the way. The Robert Barone story"?

Marie Barone:
I have my own opinions. I'm not just some trophy wife.

Frank Barone:
Trophy wife? What contest in hell did I win?

Frank Barone:
What if I wanted to have more kids?

Ray Barone:
If God hasn't stopped you, the government will.

Debra Barone:
Yes, Yes, this is a very hip, funky, badass toaster.

Ray Barone:
That wasn't just a toaster, Ma. It said, "Merry Christmas. We love you. Michael, Geoffrey, Ally, Debra and Ray."

Frank Barone:
It spoke?

Ray Barone:
I'm a doofus, okay? I admit it. Come on, who am I kidding? Look at me. I'm a goofy doofus with a foofy toaster.

Debra Barone:
[to Lois] I want you to help or at least *want* to help. I want to be more like... like her!

[Debra points at Marie who is shocked but extremely moved]

Robert Barone:
Like who?

Ray Barone:
Like Mom.

Robert Barone:
[disgusted] Why?

Raymond 'Ray' Barone:
Okay, I regret not loving you more. I do. You deserve all the love that can fit in the ocean.

Frank Barone:
[laughs] Oh, man!

Marie Barone:
I thought that was beautiful, Frank. Why can you say something like that?

Frank Barone:
Alright... I would love it if you were in the ocean!

Ray Barone:
[to Debra] I regret that I haven't loved you enough. You deserve a husband who has enough love to fill in the ocean

Marie Barone:
[She turns to Frank] Why can't you ever say something like that to me?

Frank Barone:
All right here goes. I'd love it if you were in the ocean.

Robert Barone:
You want to go to the woods and dump Dad out?

Raymond 'Ray' Barone:
Rub some honey on his ass and blow a bear whistle

[first lines]

Debra Barone:
Don't you miss Italy, Ray? Look I took that right from Aunt Colleta's ballcony.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Wow, look at that lake. Next time we go let's swim naked.

Debra Barone:
You know there's fish in there.

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Okay, then just you.

[Raymond and Debra are planning their wedding in a flashback]

Ray Barone:
You're already planning the wedding?

Debra Barone:
I've been planning it since I was 12.

Ray Barone:
But you didn't meet me until you were 22.

Debra Barone:
Well, you're the last piece of the puzzle.

Robert Barone:
I see a lot of bad things

Ray Barone:
Being a cop and all?

Robert Barone:
Mom and Dad

Robert Barone:
Let's say you are driving your seven year old to school and she keeps turning the radio louder and louder. What do you do?

Linda Gruenfelder:
Ignore it?

Robert Barone:
Excuse me?

Linda Gruenfelder:
Well you let her turn it up and she'll discover how unpleasent that is and she'll just turn it off by herself.

Robert Barone:
A most excellent answer. If you can explain what a seven year old is doing in the front seat to begin with!

Robert Barone:
Ma wanted me to tell you she's making frittatas

Debra Barone:
Robert, you have a will, right?

Robert Barone:
Why? What did you hear? Is that why Ma's making frittatas?

Debra Barone:
Ray and I were talking about wills, and he doesn't want to make one.

Robert Barone:
Oh, why not?

Debra Barone:
He thinks it's gonna tempt fate.

Robert Barone:
No no no, silly. If you don't have a will you're tempting fate. "I don't need a will. I'm gonna live forever." Manhole!

Ray Barone:
I don't know.

Robert Barone:
Raymond, listen to me. You need to have a will and eat a fibrous breakfast every morning and nothing can touch you.

Ray Barone:
Maybe you're right.

Debra Barone:
Oh, that's what convinces you? I've been talking to you about this for six years!

Ray Barone:
You didn't fall in a manhole! He knows how to get through to me.

Debra Barone:
See if you can get him to floss.

Robert Barone:
Whatever you need.

Marie Barone:
I saw a pudding skin in the sink.

Marie Barone:
Oh, Frank. Have you heard, Frank? Apparently, you and I are not fit parents.

Frank Barone:
I still want pudding.

Robert Barone:
Hey.

Robert Barone:
You're not up to their standards either.

Robert Barone:
I know. What are we talking about?

Ray Barone:
Hey.

Debra Barone:
Hey.

Ray Barone:
You know, I almost died today.

Debra Barone:
Really?

Ray Barone:
That's what you say when I tell you I almost died?

Debra Barone:
What am I supposed to say?

Ray Barone:
"Oh my God, Ray! Are you all right?"

Debra Barone:
What happened?

Ray Barone:
I'm in the press box, I'm watching the game...

Debra Barone:
Yeah.

Ray Barone:
...and I'm eating a soft pretzel. But these pretzels they have, they're not moist. They're bigger than the other ones, but they're very dry. Anyway, the salt doesn't stick to them, it falls everywhere.

Debra Barone:
Oh my God, are you okay?

Ray Barone:
You gonna mock? You just gonna mock?

Debra Barone:
All right, I'm sorry. So the salt didn't stay on your pretzel.

Ray Barone:
Yes! All right, so I'm... I'm bending to wipe the salt off my shirt, and bam, a foul ball comes flying into the booth. It came this close to hitting me!

Debra Barone:
Yeah?

Ray Barone:
Yeah! I felt its wind! And then I turn and Andy, who just got a turkey and cheese sandwich, and the ball knocks it off his tray. The soda, pickles, chips, chocolate cake, everything!

Debra Barone:
You get chocolate cake in the press box?

Ray Barone:
It was Friday. We get a different cake every Friday. But you're missing the point.

Debra Barone:
I'm getting the point. A ball bounced into your world and disturbed paradise!

Debra Barone:
I do not want a will. It's bad luck.

Ray Barone:
You've been putting this off for years. And I would think you'd want to be prepared, especially after your near-death experience.

Ray Barone:
Near-death, I was going for pity sex.

Ray Barone:
Insurance is too dull to be scary. By the way, how much do you get if I die?

Debra Barone:
$800,000.

Ray Barone:
That was a little fast. Right? Yeah. Your social security number, you got to look that up, but that number, oh yeah. Right there, right on the tip of your tongue.

Marie Barone:
They're your children. It's your life, isn't it?

Ray Barone:
That's been the dream.

Ray Barone:
Ma, if Bernie and Linda drop dead, you're on deck!

Ray Barone:
I will say this about your father. He is a happy drunk.

Ray Barone:
We should put something in there that if I die you can't marry another man named Ray.

David Atkins:
Excuse me?

Ray Barone:
Well 'cause eventually everyone would call him Ray and me "Dead Ray."

Marie Barone:
You know, actually, this could be a good lesson for me. To learn to be content with what is and not hope for what could be.

Debra Barone:
So what could be is us dying and you raising our children?

Marie Barone:
Well, not anymore.

Marie Barone:
We were watching Raymond unload groceries.

Robert Barone:
And nobody's video taping?

[Robert's doing mock traffic class with Ray, Debra, Marie, and Frank]

Robert Barone:
Now I would like you to tell us what offense led you to be here today. Lets start with... Raymond.

Ray Barone:
...I killed my brother.

Robert Barone:
Traffic offense.

Ray Barone:
Oh, oh, can you go lie down on the driveway for a minute?

Robert Barone:
[as Timmy] Marie is it? Ok hi Marie. Can you tell me what you should do before backing out of the driveway?

Marie Barone:
Well you fasten your seatbelt.

Robert Barone:
Okay?

Marie Barone:
You check your mirrors.

Robert Barone:
Correct.

Marie Barone:
You look to the left and to the right. You look behind you.

Robert Barone:
Anything else?

Marie Barone:
No I think that's it.

Robert Barone:
Oh you think that's it? She thinks that's it

Robert Barone:
[he begins to talk as himself] Isn't that everything Timmy?

Robert Barone:
[as Timmy] Oh sure that's it except making sure your first born child is in the car before you pull out of a gas station in New Mexico!

Ray Barone:
I don't know. That's awfully specific.

Marie Barone:
Robbie that was thirty years ago.

Robert Barone:
[as himself] I don't have a problem with it.

Debra Barone:
Uh-oh.

Robert Barone:
[as Timmy] Frank can you tell me what is the proper following distance?

Frank Barone:
Well if the guy is going really slow I like to be right on his butt. So if he looks back he can read my lips.

Robert Barone:
[as himself] No Dad the correct answer is one car length per ten miles of speed.

Robert Barone:
[as Timmy] Yeah remind me never to drive with you. Ya crazy old bastard!

Debra Barone:
We got to find a way to get away from your parents.

Ray Barone:
I got the perfect solution- the witness protection program.

Debra Barone:
Ray, I'm serious.

Ray Barone:
So am I. Let see them try to find Steve and Phyllis Rosenberg in Tucson, Arizona.

Debra Barone:
We have to invite your parents. It's like when the Russians boycotted the Olympics. It diminished the whole event.

Ray Barone:
Yeah, but you're forgetting one thing. When the Russians boycotted, we won everything.

Ray Barone:
Hey Nemo, what do you do if somebody's choking?

Nemo:
Change the special.

Ray Barone:
Thanks.

Marie Barone:
Remember that boy who was teasing you? And you walloped him?

Ray Barone:
That's right. Robert's friend, Pete Gomez.

Frank Barone:
How old was this bruiser? Ten?

Ray Barone:
I was ten. He was twelve. And a half. Yeah. He called me "Big Nose Barone" and I told him to stop and he said "okay B.N.B.". I knew what that meant and so I hit him in the stomach and he drops like a sack of doorknobs. It wasn't "Big Nose Barone" anymore. It was "Superpunch"

Marie Barone:
And you don't have a big nose dear. It's perfect for your face.

Frank Barone:
It's perfect for two faces.

Ray Barone:
When you talk like that people could get offended.

Frank Barone:
What in the hell you talking about?

Ray Barone:
When you say Nancy. What are you implying exactly?

Frank Barone:
That your name should be Nancy.

Ray Barone:
And that's your word for gay?

Frank Barone:
Very well.

Ray Barone:
So you mean that as an insult.

Frank Barone:
Yes I believe I do.

Ray Barone:
I'm just saying that's not very nice.

Frank Barone:
That's why it's a good insult.

Marie Barone:
Robert's not gay. He's a policeman.

Frank Barone:
One of those village people was a policeman.

Marie Barone:
You of all people should understand Frank. What about that man in Korea?

Frank Barone:
I told you never to mention that!

Ray Barone:
What? What happened in Korea?

Frank Barone:
Nothing happened! We were in a foxhole! it was cold and snowing! We huddled! You gotta survive don't you? It lasted half a second!

Marie Barone:
You see dear? Your father understands.

Frank Barone:
Our coats were insufficent. It was huddle or die!

Marie Barone:
Oh shut up Frank. We're talking about Robert. And we're telling him that we respect his choice.

Robert Barone:
It's not my choice!

Marie Barone:
I know dear. Frieda says it's something you're born with.

Marie Barone:
Look what she's wearing to a funeral!

[Frank stares at Harriet]

Marie Barone:
Stop looking.

Debra Barone:
I never thought I'd miss our little apartment.

Ray Barone:
C'mon, that apartment was tiny and cramped and noisy.

Debra Barone:
Yeah, your parents would only visit once every other month.

Ray Barone:
I loved that place.

Debra Barone:
Yeah, I know.

Marie Barone:
You're giving him back that money!

Frank Barone:
Like hell, I am! I want to teach him a lesson. You up the stakes, you lose a lot. You play with matches and you get burned.

[sticks check in front of Raymond]

Frank Barone:
AND, THANK YOU, COME AGAIN!

Ray Barone:
[to Debra] Cat Ballou.

Debra Barone:
You know, your mother was right!

Raymond "Ray" Barone:
Oh, that's crazy talk.

Robert Barone:
I could of been a pretty good hockey player. I was big, I had the toughness, good hand-eye coordination.

Ray Barone:
Yeah, but eventually you would've had to let go of the side.

[first lines]

Debra Barone:
Here's the ointment Frank.

Frank Barone:
[begins unbuckling his belt]

Ray Barone:
Hey dad, that's to go!

Frank Barone:
God made man to sew his seed where he may. He made woman to limit the crop to one farmer.

Ray Barone:
[Ray has just gotten home] Hey powderpuff.

Ray Barone:
[Ray sees he has just called Frank "powderpuff". Frank is standing at the fridge holding two apples. He stares at Ray] That's right I'm talking to you. What are you doing here?

Frank Barone:
I have a rash

Ray Barone:
By all means touch all our food

Debra Barone:
[to Frank about Marie] Don't you see? You've got the perfect marriage. You need fudge and she needs to warm it up for you.

Robert Barone:
Hey a prize. Lucky me.

Ray Barone:
Why lucky you? Who said it's yours?

Robert Barone:
It's in my bowl.

Ray Barone:
Technically it's my house so it's my bowl.

Marie Barone:
Come on Robbie you had it last time.

Robert Barone:
That was thirty years ago!

Ray Barone:
Relax. I don't even know if I want it. You can have it if I don't want it. Oh a submarine powered by baking soda. Want it.

Ray Barone:
What, is your TV broken?

Frank Barone:
Of course not. Look, see, I taped down the scan button. Now when I'm flipping channels, I don't have to move.

Ray Barone:
That's good. Why don't you tape your eyelids up, and then you'll never miss anything?

Frank Barone:
[gives Ray an incredulous look] That's silly.

Debra Barone:
Just remember, Frank, the supermarket can be a very lonely place. There isn't always going to be some lady on a plastic donkey to make you feel better.

Frank Barone:
I was someplace today I haven't been in thirty years. Guess where I went?

Ray Barone:
The barber.

Frank Barone:
Close. I went to the supermarket.

Frank Barone:
I can be sweet. It takes people time to discover that.