Phil of the Future, Season 1

Phil:
Come on, pokey. Can you keep up?

Lloyd:
Looks like the end of a long run of a father whuppin' his son--but wait! Wait, what's this in my pocket? Oh...

Phil:
Afterburner? That's cheating!

Lloyd:
I can't hear you! Eat my vapor! Whoo! Ha ha!

Phil:
Cheater!

Lloyd:
Who are you callin' cheater? (Laughs)

Phil:
So when do I get to use the afterburner?

Lloyd:
I'm afraid you're not old enough to handle this kind of speed, son! It takes nerve, coordination, and most of all, maturity! Last one home's a doofus-head! Whoo! Ha ha!

Phil:
What's goin' on?

Lloyd:
I'm thinking about takin' one of those old-fashioned road trips, just me and your mom headin' down the highway, wind in our hair, backseat full of snacks.

Phil:
Oh, rewind. That means you're leaving me home w-w-with...That.

Lloyd:
Pim, what do you think you're doing?

Pim:
Just bustin' stuff.

(Thud)

Pim:
What do you think you're doing?

Phil:
Mom and dad are going away for the weekend.

Pim:
Yes! Pim's home alone!

(Brakes Squeal)

Pim:
I'll miss you.

Lloyd:
No. You won't be home alone. You'll be with Phil.

(Record Needle Scratches)

Lloyd:
And he's in charge.

Pim:
I'm sorry. My ears are still ringing for some jackhammerin' I was doin' earlier.

(Jackhammer)

Pim:
You said what, now?

Lloyd:
You heard me, Pim. Phil's in charge. he's older, he's more responsible, and he doesn't spend his weekends bustin' up stuff.

(Clatter)

(Cat Yowls)

Pim:
But, dad, I--

Lloyd:
Pim, we're not gonna talk about this anymore.

Phil:
Uh, dad, can--can--can we talk about this a little more?

Lloyd:
Sure.

Phil:
See, I don't think that Pim really needs a baby-sitter. I think she needs more a zookeeper.

Lloyd:
Son--

Phil:
No, no. A whole team of zookeepers with muzzles and high-powered hoses and tranquilizer guns.

Lloyd:
Okay, okay, here's the deal. I know being in charge is a lot of work, but if you keep a lid on things and you watch your sister and you get your chores done, i'll make it worth your while.

Phil:
No way.

Lloyd:
Yes way. The afterburner. It's yours.

Phil:
What are you standing around for? Go! Scram! Get packin'. Come on. This weekend's gonna be smooth.

Barbara:
Now, don't forget. There's a list of emergency numbers on the fridge, and here's a list of chores we'd like you to do. Um, rake the leaves, clean out the garage, and do the recycling.

Phil:
No problemo.

Curtis:
(Growls and Snorts)

(Fly Buzzing)

Barbara:
Oh, and don't forget to give curtis his B-A-T-H.

Curtis:
Huh?

Pim:
Oh, you mean his bath.

Curtis:
Heehh! (Muttering Frantically) No take a bath!

(Jet Engine Screams)

(Crash)

(Glass Breaks)

Barbara:
Ohh.

Pim:
Aw, nutsicles. That's why you spelled it.

Lloyd:
This is a disaster!

Barbara:
What's the matter?

Lloyd:
I can't find the car keys! Everybody fan out! Phil, Pim, you gotta scour the living room. We gotta find these keys. We gotta(Thier in his hand)--good work, everybody. So, Barb, you're excited about the road trip? You know, I rented a convertable.

Barbara:
"Psyched" isn't the word. "Nervous" is the word.

Lloyd:
All right, kids. I love you. We'll see ya.

Pim:
Love you.

Barbara:
I love you, baby. Be good. Be good.

Pim:
Bye, mom.

Barbara:
Take care of her.

Lloyd:
Honey, can you get that big suitcase for me?

Barbara:
Hey, that--I will call to check in around 4:00. Pim, mind your brother. Ohh, Lloyd, this is yours!

Phil:
Bye!

Barbara:
Bye, guys! Behave yourself.

Phil:
So...

Pim:
So...

Phil:
Hey, uh, about these chores, there's not many of them, so i'll just do 'em. We cool?

Pim:
We're cool...

(Car Horn Honks)

Pim:
But when i'm done with you, you'll be so cool not even that precious afterburner will be able to warm you up.

Curtis:
Teeyah makkah?

Pim:
What?!

Curtis:
Teeyah makkah.

Pim:
Curtis, you're in America now. Speak english.

Curtis:
"Beek engrish."

Keely:
Tanner, you can't show that video of Phil!

Tanner:
Oh, so this is what this about? Look, Keely, ever since I broke up with you, Phil's been trying to get payback. Now he's the one that's gonna be paying and I'm the one that's gonna be...backing!

Crash:
Mom says Tanner is a sensitive easy crier.

Tanner:
I have over-productive tear ducts!

Debbie (as Pim's conscience):
I'm your conscience!

Pim:
Don't have one. Wrong house.

Miss Winston:
Good gravy! What was that?

Pim:
That was our elephant, Skippy!

Keely:
We've been marked!

Phil:
Myron, check your hand!

(Myron checks hand and has the "alien" mark)

Myron:
Wait... these don't look alien... and they wouldn't have used marker...

Bradley:
Ahh, there's the little woman now.

Pim:
Little? I wouldn't be tossing around the "L" word if I were you, Thumbelina.

Bradley:
I was thinking let's name him Bradley Benjamin Farmer Jr.

Pim:
Oh, great. Then his nickname will be Doofus Finkelman Dork-Face Part Two!

Bradley:
New mothers can be so tempermental.

Keely:
I never told you this, but I've always dreamed of someday becoming a singer.

Phil:
I thought you wanted to become a cat psycologist?

Keely:
Oh, that's my cover!

Keely:
(about Tara) I can't stand her. I wish a building would fall on her! I wish she'd get stung by a fifty-pound bee! I wish a dog would mistake her as a fire hydrant! I wish the U.S. women's soccer team would use her as a ball!

Phil:
Hey, how about running her over with a steamroller?

Keely:
Phil, grow up!

Pim:
Sweet strawberry jam!

Pim (to Phil sarcastically):
Dad came to my class today and it was a PARTY!

Marla:
Excuse me! Oh.

Phil:
Oh, hey, can I help you with that?

Marla:
(Southern Accent) Oh, why, thank you! These books are more slippery than a greased pig at a fourth of July picnic.

Phil:
Hee, yeah. I know what you mean.

Marla:
I'm Marla Beauregard.

Phil:
I'm Phil Diffy. Aren't you in, uh...Mr. Ginsberg's english class?

Marla:
Well, I believe I am. Are you ready for that dreadful midterm he's cooked up for us?

Phil:
No, I'm not.

(Bell Rings)

Phil:
Ah. Well, we better get to class. Here, let me take some of those for you.

Marla:
Oh, my. You're gonna help me carry my books?

Phil:
Well, if I carried you, people might stare.

Marla:
(Giggles)

Phil:
You coming?

Marla:
Course, Philip. I'd follow you barefoot through a briers patch.

Announcer:
According to experts, one hundred years from now, kids will have no cavities. True or false?

Pim:
False.

Contestant:
True.

Announcer:
Correct! Okay, next question...

Pim:
Are you kidding me? I've got a mouth full of cavities. And I've also got the clicker. See ya.

Announcer:
Next up, the bonus round--

(Clicks)

Pim:
Dad, what did I say about doing that?

Lloyd:
Pim, you can't lie around the house every day. You need a hobby.

Pim:
I have one. It's called television viewing.

Lloyd:
I don't know what kids do in this century. I guess they...They play their sports, and they do their little music, but you gotta do something. You're not gonna waste your life lying on this couch. Or sitting on this couch.

Pim:
(Sighs) All right.

Announcer:
For the extended forecast...

Lloyd:
Oh, weather network! Oh! Oh, It's raining in Phoenix. (Laughs) Great.

Tia:
That's perfect, Seth. Thank you. Whoa. Walk away. Uh, earth to Seth.

Seth:
Oh! Sorry.

Keely:
I'll take some pepper, Seth.

Marla:
And even though the sun's set, you've filled my heart with light.

Phil:
Uh...David Butler Thurmond.

Marla:
Aah! Aren't you clever? Oh, shug, you got a dangler. I think It's puddin'. All better. See ya after school.

Tia:
Uh, hello...Yeah, what was that about?

Phil:
What? Oh, Marla. Yeah, we're gonna study together for Ginsberg's poetry test.

Keely:
Phil, do you like that girl?

Phil:
Like her? No, you mean like--no, I barely know her.

Tia:
Yeah, well, she likes you.

Phil:
I don't think so.

Seth:
Phil, I'm the last guy to get stuff. But I think Tia's right. That Marla likes you!

Phil:
Guys, she dropped one of her books, and I gave her a hand. That's all.

Keely:
Phil, let me clue you in. When you do things for a girl, they have meanings.

Phil:
Like what?

Keely:
Like, if you carry her books, that means you're interested.

Tia:
If you open the door for her...

Keely:
That means you're interested, but currently seeing someone.

Tia:
Giving somebody cuts in line...

Keely:
Front cuts mean you think she's cute. Back cuts...

Both:
Let's be friends.

Seth:
Oh, don't worry. I'm jotting all this down for us.

Phil:
Great.

(Playing Classical Music)

Pim:
(Clears Throat Loudly)

(Music Stops)

Bradley Benjamin Farmer:
We're not done yet, thank you. You can sweep up later.

Pim:
I'm not the janitor. I'm here to join the orchestra.

Bradley Benjamin Farmer:
Oh, really? You have a name?

Pim:
Pim. You?

Bradley Benjamin Farmer:
Bradley Benjamin Farmer.

Pim:
So, what instrument do I play?

Bradley Benjamin Farmer:
(Laughs) Pim, I take my job very seriously. Meaning, I need musicians, not wannabes who waste my time.

Pim:
Here's the poop. I can't go home until I get a hobby. In other words, you find me an instrument, or I'm bunking at your house.

Phil:
Are you on page 12 yet? What are you doing?

Marla:
Scrapbookin'. This one's gonna go right on the cover of my Phil Diffy edition.

Phil:
Marla, the poetry test is on Friday. Okay? So we really need to buckle down. You see, buckle down is a metaphor for studying. And a metaphor is...

Marla:
A comparison. But a simile is a comparison usin' the words "like" or "as."

Phil:
Ms. Phipps is as crusty as a piece of toast.

Marla:
(Laughs)

Ms. Phipps:
Shh!

Marla:
And you are as funny as a mule in a bow tie.

Tia:
Ah ah ah...Phil, whatever you do, don't try to make her laugh.

Phil:
I wasn't trying to make you laugh. I was just...Trying to give you an example of a simile. Are you on page 12 yet?

Marla:
Almost. Want a piece?

Phil:
Sure.

Keely:
These are the rules, Phil. No matter what you do, don't take anything from her. Gum, mints, nuts of any kind--it all means one thing...Commitment.

Phil:
Really?

Marla:
Really what?

Phil:
I'm really not interested in nuts, mints, gum of any kind.

Ms. Phipps:
Shh!

Marla:
All right.

Bradley Benjamin Farmer:
As you know, Friday is our big recital. Our performance will feature a talented young soloist who will sing a wonderful song.

Pim:
(Gongs)

Bradley Benjamin Farmer:
Pim, I said, "song," not "gong."

Pim:
(Gongs) Gotta speak up! There's a lot of noise back here.

Bradley Benjamin Farmer:
Anywho...Without further ado, let me introduce our lovely soloist, Miss Deborah Berwick.

Pim:
(Muttering)

Debbie:
Bradley Benjamin Farmer! How are you?

Bradley Benjamin Farmer:
Debbie, you haven't aged a bit. I haven't seen you in so long.

Pim:
(Gongs)

Bradley Benjamin Farmer:
I said, "long"!

Debbie:
Is that Pim Diffy on gong?

Bradley Benjamin Farmer:
Tell me you don't know her. Please tell me you don't know her.

Debbie:
Oh, of course I know Pim! She's a treasure. Hi!

Pim:
Hey, Debbie. I jumped a couple of those gongs, but don't worry, I'll nail it tomorrow night at the concert. Who knew a hobby could be so much fun? Down the road, Farmer.

Debbie:
Um, to spare Pim some embarrassment, I think she should miss the concert tomorrow night. She'll thank us later.

Bradley Benjamin Farmer:
Brilliant.

Debbie:
Good luck telling her.

Tia:
Ugh, hold the anchovy. I hate those salty little devils.

Keely:
(Imitating Marla) My stars, It's that heartthrob Phil Diffy!

Tia:
Come here, shug. You got a big ol' dangler.

Phil:
Yeah, I know. You know what? I think I've, uh, actually taken care of the Marla situation. I gave her nothing to misinterpret. In fact, I think I've heard the last of ol' Marla.

Man:
(Trumpeting Fanfare) Ahem. Hear ye, hear ye. Be it proclaimed throughout this land, H.G. Wells junior-senior high, that maiden Marla loves squire Phil.

(All Laughing)

Man:
May their passion be borne on the wings of a thousand doves. This love decree hath ended. Yo, chief, you know where I can grab a cab?

Phil:
Not a clue. Well, how about that? Marla must have met another guy named Phil.

Keely:
I don't think so, squire.

Keely:
Phil? You have to do something. You have to talk to her.

Tia:
Forget talk. Kick her to the curb.

Phil:
I have to break up with her? Well, how? I--I...

Keely:
Don't look at me. I've never broken up with anybody.

Tia:
Look, It's a snap. You know the guy I'm going out with, Mikey Watson?

Seth:
Mikey Watson. A.K.A...The luckiest guy in the ninth grade. I've heard of him.

Tia:
I was gonna cut him loose on Monday anyway, but if this helps...Hey, Mikey! These last few weeks have been huge, but we're done.

Mikey:
(Screams)

Tia:
See? Painless.

Mikey:
(Sobbing)

Boy:
Call me.

Phil:
I can't do that.

Phil:
I don't know what to do. See, if I tell Marla that I don't like her, then...It'll hurt her feelings.

Lloyd:
Son, It's a good thing you came to me. This is what you call a classic father-son moment.

Phil:
Really? You mean girls had crushes on you when you were growing up?

Lloyd:
No, but they did on my old college roommate rex.

Phil:
Rex, rex...Isn't that the guy mom almost married?

Lloyd:
Let's not go there. Anyway, he had so many girls chasing him, he used one of these.

Phil:
Ah, one of those old-fashioned DNA scramblers.

Lloyd:
Yep. I never go anywhere without this thing.

(Beeps)

Lloyd:
Oh, they're a hoot at parties. I'll make you look so strange, Marla'll be running for the hills.

Phil:
Great! Thanks, dad.

Lloyd:
Hey, remember when I used it on your uncle Milt, made his lips look like a fish?

Phil:
Yeah, you really lightened up his funeral.

Lloyd:
That's what I'm saying, yeah.

Bradley Benjamin Farmer:
Pim...Can I speak to you?

Pim:
Don't worry. I practiced my gongs all night. My dad said I sounded great right before he left to get a motel room.

Bradley Benjamin Farmer:
Pim, there's no easy way to say this. I rewrote the piece, and we won't be needing your help tonight.

Pim:
You took out my gongs?

Bradley Benjamin Farmer:
Yes.

Pim:
Did Debbie Berwick put you up to this?

Bradley Benjamin Farmer:
No.

Pim:
Bradley Benjamin Farmer, look me in the eye. Was this Berwick's idea?

Bradley Benjamin Farmer:
She...She may have...Suggested it.

Pim:
Well, hey, these things happen. Can I see you in this...Dark, dusty closet for a quick sec?

Bradley Benjamin Farmer:
But why?

Debbie:
Thank you. Thank you. You're too kind. Thank you. Pim, what are you doing here?

Pim:
Bradley had an emergency. He ran out of hair gel. Asked me to fill in. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This first piece I will conduct was written a long time ago by a dead guy. I hope you enjoy it.

(Playing Give My Regards to Broadway)

Debbie:
(Singing) Give my regards to broadway remember me to herald square.

(Music Speeding Up)

Debbie:
(Singing) Tell all the gang at 42nd street that I will soon be there.

(Music Slowing Down)

Debbie:
(Singing) Whisper of how I'm yearning to mingle with the old-time throng.

(Music Speeding Up)

Debbie:
(Singing) Give me regards to old broadway and say that I'll be there I'll be there I'll be there e'er long. (Holding Last Note)

Phil:
(Knocks)

Keely:
Phil, what's going on?

Phil:
Keely, It's getting out of hand. I either have to marry Marla or leave town.

(Cats Meowing)

Phil:
What was that?

Keely:
My mom and her friends are having a cat circus. Don't ask.

Phil:
Marla says she loves me for what's on the inside. (Scoffs) Does that stink, or what?

Keely:
(Laughs)

Phil:
Keely, It's not funny and It's not fair. Girls have all these rules, and we're supposed to figure out what they are.

Keely:
Are you kidding? It's not easy for us, either.

Phil:
Well, I have absolutely no idea what's going on in Marla's head.

Keely:
Phil, sure, you do. She thinks you're cute, funny, and sensitive. The problem is she doesn't know what's going on in your head.

Phil:
What am I supposed to do? Be like Tia and kick her to the curb?

Keely:
(Sighs) It's probably best just to be yourself. You're cute, funny, and sensitive. You know, guide her to the curb.

Debbie:
(Still Holding Last Note) Thank you.

Pim:
How could this happen? They love you.

Debbie:
Because you challenged me. You took my singing to a whole new height! Thank you.

Barbara:
Phil, you're going to be in something called the ninth grade and Pim, you're going to be in something called the seventh grade.

Pim:
I want to be in ninth grade.

Barbara:
Honey, they go by age here.

Pim:
All right. I'll start in your "seventh grade." Then, I'll make my slow, but steady, rise to power. In a month, I'll be in 50th grade!

Seth:
The popular kids.They're at the top of the food chain. Then there's the football team, the ski squad, the student government club, the air gutar posse and then, there's guys like us, who dig algebra.

Seth:
I had the naughtiest dream about an improper fraction last night.

Phil:
And?

Phil (to Pim):
Do you just wake up evil?

Pim:
As a matter of fact, I do.

Keely (while watching Troy walk on his hands):
Can you believe what he's doing?

Phil:
Yeah he's about to walk where Arnie Haukhouser threw up last week.

Phil:
Pim, i'm using it first.

Pim:
Why?

Phil:
Because i'm older i'm smarter...And taller.

Pim:
Phil, you may be taller, but there's always gonna be one thing i have over you.

Phil:
Yeah? What's that, a serious anger issue?

Pim:
I can hold a grudge forever.

Phil:
Oh, really?

Pim:
Yes, remember the time you ate the last butterscotch pudding cup?

Phil:
No.

Pim:
Well, you did. I was 4 1/2. It was tuesday, 6:35. You were wearing blue--

Phil:
Pim, I didn't eat your pudding cup. I put it in your shampoo.

(Power Surging)

(Bell Ringing)

Pim:
Berwick! Let me guess what's going on here. Hot coffie, sports section, standing outside Mr. Hackett's office...You're either a: Loopy, B: The world's biggest, kiss-up, or C: A combo platter.

Debbie:
Pim, I do this for all my teachers. In fact, would you like to run up a pastry to Miss Soletti's office?

Pim:
Uh, no.

Mr. Hackett:
I know it's expensive, but i have to have the operation.

Debbie:
Eavesdropping is wrong for 7 reasons, and i'll explain why. First--

Pim:
(Hushed Voice) Debbie, shush!

Mr. Hackett:
Well, if i don't have the operation, my life will be worthless. Just a big zilch-o.

Debbie:
Oh, my gosh! Pim, Mr. Hackett is sick and needs an operation. You know what this calls for? A fund-raiser!

Pim:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Every time someone needs help, you're all "I'll help you," and i'm all "Get over it," and you're all, "To the fund-raising mobile!"

Debbie:
Okay, Pim. That's okay. Fund-raising isn't for everybody.

Pim:
What is she saying? That i can't fund-raise? Well, it's on, Berwick!

Debbie:
What's on?

Pim:
Stop that.

Mr. Hackett:
The only procedure i can afford is the 106. Yeah, that's not a hair replacement system. That's a toilet seat cover parted down the middle. No, no, no...I want it. Yeah, okay. Uh, I will still attract big norwegian women, like the guy on the cover, right? Oh, Maurice, you hound dog!

Keely:
Phil, you know what this is?

Phil:
It's a flute.

Keely:
No, it's a musical spit catcher.

Phil:
Nice.

Keely:
Phil, that can't be healthy.

Phil:
Here. Re-hydrate.

Keely:
I don't know why i thought i could play the flute. You ever play an instrument?

Phil:
Yeah, phyble.

Keely:
Did you blow in it? Are there strings? Did you hit it?

Phil:
Exactly. All those things.

Keely:
So, I tried to call you last night to talk about the field trip.

Phil:
Oh...Yeah. I was out riding my bike.

Keely:
Really? Your mom said you went for a walk.

Phil:
Yeah, I did. Well, see, I took a bike ride, but then i got a flat tire, so i had to walk the bike back. Oh, technically, I guess it was really a walk. So, anyway, about the field trip. Where are we going?

Keely:
Mm! To the pickford tomato ranch. You didn't know pickford was the ketchup capital of the world, did you?

Phil:
That's why there's that giant squeeze bottle in town square.

Keely:
I know it sounds lame, but it's actually kind of cool. At the end of the tour, everybody gets into the stomping tub and stomps tomatoes. Anyway, it's all squishy and messy and barefoot.

Phil:
Barefoot? As in...Barefoot?

Keely:
Yeah, what's the matter?

Phil:
Oh...I can't!

Keely:
Can't what?

Phil:
Go to pickford ranch because i'm allergic to tomatoes, see? If one even touches my body, I get all weird and twitchy. Just like that. (Exhales)

Keely:
You're about to eat ketchup right now.

Pim:
I am? Oh.

Lloyd:
So you really want to go to this pickford ranch?

Phil:
Yeah, I do. You know, every time i start to feel like a normal kid from a normal family, something gets in the way...Like this.

Barbara:
Sweetie, if you're concerned that your feet smell, just do what your dad does.

Lloyd:
1/2 hour in a vinegar soak, then dust 'em with cornmeal.

Phil:
No, it's not the smell, mom. I'm talking about how people in this century have 5 toes. I have 4.

Lloyd:
Ha ha! That's right!

Barbara:
Oh, that's right. They won't lose their pinky toe for 75 years.

Lloyd:
How do they walk with all those--

Barbara:
(Silly Voice) Hello, I am a useless pinky toe. Someday, you will be born without me.

Phil:
Come on, guys, i'm serious.

Pim:
Okay, family, I don't have much time for chit chat. I need donations. Watches, necklaces, belt buckles, gold fillings. Don't be stingy. It's for a good cause. Thank you. Your donations are appreciated. I'm touched. Et cetera, et cetera.

Lloyd:
Son, if you really want to go on this field trip, i'm gonna find a way to get you there.

Phil:
Really?

Barbara:
Lloyd...What are you gonna do, build him a falsie?

Lloyd:
Yes.

Pim:
Psst! Yeah, you. What's your name?

Jorge:
Jorge.

Pim:
Jorge, what would you say if i could put you in a big, fancy belt buckle? Don't answer. Just step into my jacket. Or...Would you like a gold locket? You like lockets?

Jorge:
No, thanks.

Pim:
Jorge, did i mention it's for a teacher getting a nasty operation? None of the money goes to me.

Jorge:
Really?

Pim:
Well, I did buy myself a prime rib sandwich at lunch, but that's on the down low. You know what i'm sayin'? Huh?

Jorge:
I have to be somewhere else now.

Pim:
Yeah, right. Hey, you with the face, come here!

Debbie:
Fun baskets, $5.00. Get your fun baskets! $5.00. It's for a really good cause. Oh, hi, Morton. Let me tell you a little bit about today's fund-raiser. I'm raising money for a teacher who's very, very sick. (Whispering) He doesn't look good. Thank you, Morton. You're good people.

Morton:
Thanks, Debbie.

Debbie:
Fun baskets. (Gasps) Hi, Pim. My baskets are really moving. How much have you raised?

Pim:
Squat. Leave me alone.

(Rooster Crows)

Man:
Tomato pioneer ira pickford never did find the gold he was looking for, but he did find another treasure--red gold. The pride of pickford. From this humble fruit flows the most noble of meat sauces...Ketchup. This town was built on the hard work and sweaty back of a man with a dream.

Keely:
I thought you were allergic to tomatoes.

Phil:
Yeah. I got my allergy shot last night.

Keely:
Right.

Man:
All right, everyone, please remove your shoes and socks.

Phil:
Uh, excuse me. Is there a place i can change?

Keely:
Change? We're just taking off our shoes and socks.

Man:
Well, Oddly enough, for some of our shyer visitors, we do have changing facilities.

Keely:
Hey.

Phil:
Hey there. So, uh, you may have noticed i've been acting a little weird lately.

Keely:
Now that you mention it...A little.

Phil:
Yeah. I'm sorry about that.

Keely:
It's okay. So...You're normal Phil again?

Phil:
Heh. So normal it hurts.

Keely:
Phil, you want to go to the deep end?

Phil:
No, I don't want to go to the deep end. I'm fine right here. Thanks. Could you just leave me alone for a minute? Okay?

Keely:
Whatever, Phil.

Phil:
Where's my toe?!

Phil:
Excuse me, I uh...Lost my wallet.

Keely:
I swear, Phil Diffy has more mood swings than my mother. I mean, have you noticed that? He's up, he's down. If you want to be his friend, i'm telling you, strap in!

Phil:
Eww! Where's my toe?

Man:
Your attention, please. Nobody move! We've detected a foreign article in the slurry!

(Kids Laughing & Shouting)

Man:
All right, everybody out of the tub!

Kid:
Oh.

Pim:
Oh, and right during the biggest test of the semester! Luckily i have a sweet number 2 for sale. Let's call it 6 bucks even.

Kid:
(Sighs)

(Whistle Blows at a wrestling match)

Pim:
Hi. I couldn't help but notice you're getting smoked. How 'bout a nice scented candle to lift your spirits?

(Thud)

Pim:
That'll be 3.50.

Debbie:
Mr. Hackett, i'm going to say this quick, otherwise i'm going to start crying.

Pim:
Here we go with the tears.

Debbie:
(Quietly) Thank you. We want you to have this money. It's $110.

Pim:
My jar is $115.

Mr. Hackett:
So...This is wonderful. Thank you. Why on earth would you be doing this?

Pim:
Cut the hero act. We know about the operation.

Mr. Hackett:
You do?

Debbie:
Yes. And we want you to be brave and know that we support you.

Mr. Hackett:
I can see that.

Debbie:
Are you scared?

Mr. Hackett:
A little. Thank you. I love public service.

Principal:
All right, Johnson, you're next. Get in here!

Keely:
Sometimes i dream i'm married to Mr. Potatohead...And we live in a 2-bedroom condo in boca raton, florida.

Phil:
What?!

Keely:
And i want to be a doctor, but he wants me to stay home and take care of our 5 spuds.

Phil:
So...Why are you telling me this?

Keely:
Because it's my deepest, darkest secret. And because i know what's going on. I found this in the goop.

Phil:
What?! It's not--it's not mine.

Keely:
"Property of P. Diffy"? Phil, so what? You have 4 toes. You don't have to hide things from me.

Phil:
Really?

Keely:
Yeah. You spent the last 3 days lying and acting all weird and throwing tomatoes at me just because of a...Pinky toe?

Phil:
It does feel kinda good toe get my toe off my chest.

Keely:
(Chuckles) Phil, you're my best friend. Just promise me no more secrets. You and i are on a...100% honesty pact. Deal?

Phil:
Deal. Wait. Uh, there's...One more thing.

Keely:
What is it? Don't worry.

Phil:
(Sighs) The reason i have 4 toes is because where i'm from, everyone does. I grew up over 100 years from now. I'm from the future.

Mr. Hackett:
I'm telling you, Maurice. I am loved here. The students are standing in line to hand me jars of money. Which is, of course, what allowed me to upgrade to the 211.

Debbie:
Excuse us, Mr. Hackett, but we wanted to wish you good luck on--what is growing out of your head?

Pim:
Wait a minute. That's your operation? I busted my hump so you could get a wig?!

Mr. Hackett:
It's not a wig. It's the lorenzo lamas.

Debbie:
Uh, no disrespect, Mr. Hackett, but i'm going to have to give my money to a needier charity.

Pim:
Yeah, ditto. I'm giving mine to the Pim Diffy needs a high-definition TV foundation. You disgust me.

Mr. Hackett:
Hey, wait a minute. How am i supposed to pay for this? I mean, Maurice, I can pay for this. Just, you know, maybe not all at once. What are you doing? Don't get quiet on me, Maurice. Don't leave! Maurice? I'm only 1/2 a lamas.

Phil:
So, we were taking our vacation, visiting the prehistoric era. There were cavemen and dinosaurs, but whatever, my dad had to go back to work. (Sarcastic Chuckle) So, uh, we swing by the french revolution, then head for home. But our time machine broke down, so, uh, now we're stuck here in your time. According to my dad, if the government found out, we'd be captured...or worse. Uh, if you can hear me, can you nod or something? Just...

(Door Opens)

Principal:
Okay, get in here, Diffy. Your turn.

Phil:
I just wanted my best friend to know the truth about me.

Lloyd:
You told her what?! Why?!

Phil:
I had to. She told me she has dreams about being married to Mr. Potatohead. Look, it's Keely's innermost secret. When she told me that, I realized that it doesn't matter what century you're from. Real friends are truthful with each other, and i need a friend. A real friend.

Lloyd:
When this leaks out, there's gonna be news reports and a manhunt! Before you know it, they're going to be busting down our door!

(Gate Rattling)

Lloyd:
Marmalukes! Do you hear that? They're here!

Keely:
Hey! Sorry about the racket. Your gate sticks a bit.

Barbara:
Hey, I thought i heard someone at the gate.

Keely:
Oh, it's just me, Mrs. Diffy. I never officially welcomed you to the neighborhood.

Barbara:
Aw, thank you, Keely. Although we do miss lawrence, kansas, geographical center of the nation.

Lloyd:
Save it. Our son spilled the beans.

Barbara:
I'll go pack.

Keely:
Phil, I don't care if you're from the future. Or from kansas...Or some nut job from...Nutsville. It doesn't matter to me. Whatever secrets you have, they're safe with me.

Phil:
Thank you. It really means a lot to me. It--It means a lot to us.

Lloyd:
Phil, it looks like your new friend might need a ride home.

(Whirring)

Phil:
Really?

Barbara:
Be careful.

Keely:
Oh, my gosh, Phil, you really are from the future.

Phil:
It's a skyak. hop on.

(Power Surging)

Barbara:
Oh, honey, remember our first skyak ride?

Lloyd:
I never had a skyak.

(Beeping)

Tia:
Oh, no. This can't be right. According to my organizer, i'm a loser!

(Beeping)

Tia:
Yep. I'm totally free this weekend.

Phil:
(Grunts) You? You are totally free? Nothing? I find that hard to believe.

Keely:
Oh! Problem solved! You're going to festapalooza.

Phil:
How do you know that?

Keely:
Festapalooza saturday.

Tia:
I didn't know it was this weekend. There's gonna be, like, 50 bands there.

Phil:
Festa...Festapalooza! No way! Festapalooza is legendary. Murray Van Peltin stir-fries his guitar on stage. (Imitates Electric Guitar) And then serves it to the needy. It was crazy!

Tia:
How do you know that?

Phil:
Huh?

Tia:
Well, the concert's not till saturday. How would you know what happens?

Keely:
Um...Phil gets his tenses confused when he's tired. Sometimes he uses the past tense, sometimes he uses the future tense. Sometimes he's just tense.

Phil:
I'm hoping that murray, you know, stir-fries his guitar...On stage...Because as we know...That would be really good for the needy. So, I wonder how much tickets are?

Keely:
100 Bucks.

Phil:
How do you know this? (Skywriter)

Keely:
That guy is good. I could have used him during my ceramics quiz.

Phil:
Hey, Dad? I'm pretty sure the hoses in this century aren't thought-activated. you gotta actually squeeze the handle.

Lloyd:
Thanks a load, Smarty Trousers. See, every day at this time an ill-mannered dog drops by and leaves a fresh present on our lawn. Today, i'm gonna let him know how i feel about that.

Phil:
Gotcha. So, while we're waiting, my chance i could borrow 100 bucks to see a concert?

Lloyd:
Festapalooza, huh?

Phil:
Yeah, you saw the skywriter?

Lloyd:
Yeah, I was trimming my nose hairs in the backyard. I looked in the mirror, and i saw it. I thought it said azoolapatsef. Anyway, sorry, Son. You gotta earn that money on your own.

(Dog Barking And Yelping)

Lloyd:
Aw, nut sticks! He did it again! I hate cleaning up after this hound.

Phil:
Hey, Dad...I'd be happy to clean it up for you.

Lloyd:
Really?

Phil:
For 100 bucks. 2 bucks?

Lloyd:
You got a deal, Mister.

(Cash Register Clings)

Lloyd:
I don't know why people have so many dogs around here. That's what dogs do, you know. Dog...Dog doo. (Laughs)

Phil:
Pleasure doing business with you.

Lloyd:
You, too. Thank you.

Phil:
No. Thank you. I think you just gave me a great idea.

Lloyd:
Uh...Honey!

(Squeals)

Pim:
I got it! I got it! Whoo! Whoo! Hey, Berwick. I'm still not seeing how playing catch with yourself is an olympic sport.

Debbie:
Nana says...That if setting the table was in the olympics, i'd take the gold. Yay! Twistie, twist...

Pim:
Diffy goes back...

Debbie:
Finished!

Pim:
To the wall!

Debbie:
Pim!

Pim:
Whoa! Aah!

Debbie:
Pim! Oh, cloudy skies! I hurt my pimsy!

Pim:
Nope. i'm good.

Debbie:
Swell, 'cause if you were hurt, you'd have to miss the rest of gym class!

Pim:
Nope! I'm damaged! Girl down! Girl down!

Debbie:
If it turns out i injured you in any way, i'll never forgive myself!

Pim:
Whatever. We're out of gym.

Debbie:
I--I--I mean it, Pim. I'll carry your books. I'll hold your food tray. You won't need to lift a finger until that ankle is healed.

Pim:
Now that you mention it, i'm feeling pretty bad. They may have to helicopter me to one of those fancy ankle hospitals.

(Sirens In Distance)

Nurse Krinsky:
Hello? Is--is there any visible blood or nasty ouchies?

Debbie:
Thankfully, no, Nurse Krinsky.

Nurse Krinsky:
Oh, good. Whew. You know how queasy i get.

Debbie:
Okay, Pim, I have to go to class now. You be strong now, You hear?

Pim:
It's so hard to be strong when you feel so very week!

Debbie:
What a brave little soldier! (Sniffles)

Nurse Krinsky:
I hate these x-ray thingies. they give me willies. You're fine. (Sighs) I gotta get another job. You're free to go. I'm sure your friend Debbie will be happy to hear you're okay.

Pim:
Well, we can't have Debbie happy, now can we?

Nurse Krinsky:
Why not? Debbie likes to be happy. She put smiley faces on all my tongue depressors.

Pim:
Oh, isn't that sweet? Mama just hatched herself a plan.

Pim:
(Straining) Sorry i'm late, Teach. I narrowly escaped death.

Debbie:
P.B. and J! I feel horrible! Here, Pim, let me help you to your seat.

Pim:
No, no. I've got to get the hang of this myself. (Groans) Darnsies! I'm so uncoordinated!

Debbie:
Here, let me get that. Don't you worry about a thing, Pim. Until you're healed, I am at your service.

Keely:
So, what's this business idea of yours?

Phil:
All right. What's the one thing that pickford is bustling with?

Keely:
Tomatoes.

Phil:
Tomatoes, and...Dogs! Huh? Little ones, big ones, skinny ones, fat ones.

Keely:
Hairy ones, bald ones, small ones, tall ones. Sorry. I thought we were playing a word game.

Phil:
And what's the one thing that all dogs have in common?

Keely:
(Gasps) They...You know. Ugh.

Phil:
Exactly! At least once a day! And all owners hate to scoop. That's where we come in. We do the job that no one wants to do.

Keely:
Okay, but can't we offer more service than that?

Phil:
More service?

Keely:
Phil! I can't just go to a dog's house and not play with them.

Phil:
Fine. We are a full-service doggy day care. See, the way i figure it, we can have those festapalooza tickets in a couple of days.

(Brakes Screech)

Tia:
Hey, Guys. I just got my ticket. Oh, are you guys still coming to the concert?

Phil:
Absolutely. Hey, we just started a doggy scooping business. What to join?

Tia:
And...I'm out.

Keely:
It's not just poop! We're full service!

Phil:
Hey, her loss, right? We're gonna have fun. We'll be our own bosses. We'll be out in the fresh...Almost fresh air! Which reminds me, I actually got Curtis to do some of the dirty work. Hey, C-Man! (Chuckles)

Curtis:
(Speaks Gibberish)

Phil:
I think it just may be his calling.

Debbie:
Is that fluffy enough for you?

Pim:
Could be fluffier.

Debbie:
Say no more. You need to be relaxed in order to heal. I'll find you the fluffiest pillow of them all!

Pim:
(Laughs)

Lloyd:
Hey, Pim. What happened to you?

Pim:
Oh, this. Uh...Debbie wants to be a nurse when she grows up, so i let her bandage me. As practice.

Lloyd:
Oh, well...that's awfully nice of you.

Pim:
Helping friends reach their goals...That's why i was put on this earth.

Lloyd:
Say, Debbie, What do you think of this ingrown hair i have here?

Debbie:
I think it's cute.

Pim:
Hey, Debs, You know, all this being in pain is making me thirsty. Score me a root beer, will ya?

Debbie:
Absolutely. Anything you need.

Pim:
Oh! And now that you mention it, my spanish homework needs doing. Know what i mean, slappy? (Laughs)

Phil:
This is Mad Max's house. His owner said he'd be locked inside.

Keely:
Why do you think they call him Mad Max?

Phil:
'Cause he sells electronics at rock-bottom prices. "Beware Of The Dog." "It's A Big, Mean Dog. Chomp, Chomp."

(Squeak)

(Thud)

Keely:
"I'd Turn Back If I Were You." Good idea.

Phil:
No! No, you don't.

Mad Max:
(Growling) (Snarling)

Phil:
Hi, Max. You're sure you're not a bear?

Keely:
Heh.

Mad Max:
(Snarling)

Keely:
Are you a good boy?

Mad Max:
(Growling)

Keely:
Guess Not.

Mad Max:
(Snarling)

Both:
(Screaming)

Mad Max:
(Barking)

Keely:
Phil, I think he's mad at us.

Phil:
Hmm. You think? Let me find out. Uh, see, there's a function on my wizard. It interprets animal sounds. What'cha thinking, Max? Huh? You're all bark, right, pal?

Mad Max:
(Male Voice) Another move and i'll rip your appendix out and use it as a chew toy. (Growling)

Keely:
Mad Max, we're sorry. We didn't mean to disturb you.

Phil:
But the thing is, if you back up a few feet. We'll be on our way. All right? have a nice day. We'll see you later. Bye-bye.

Mad Max:
(Male Voice) Yeah, right. Have a nice day. I got a tick the size of a cockapoo. My master, he want off to college.

Keely:
Your master left you?

Mad Max:
Yeah, he was my best friend. Now i just feel like biting something.

Phil:
Uh, well, i'll tell you, Max. We'll be your friends, huh?

Mad Max:
Hmm. Why would you want to be my friend?

Keely:
Because you seem like a fun guy. Not fun in a laugh-out-loud kind of way, but more of a pleasant grumpiness.

Mad Max:
(Male Voice) Really?

Phil:
Sure. So it's settled, huh? We'll come by and see you tomorrow. Let us down without...Eating us. Thanks.

Keely:
See you tomorrow, Maximilian!

Mad Max:
(Male Voice) Wow! No one ever calls me Maximilian anymore.

Phil:
Well, we do, 'cause we're your friends. Let's get out of here.

Keely:
Yeah.

Mad Max:
Yo, aren't you forgetting something? Hey, I left you a little present. I'm sorry. I didn't have time to wrap it. (Chuckles)

Phil:
You want to get this one? 'Cause my hands are full.

Debbie:
Here comes the choo choo train!

Pim:
What the--Huh? Debbie, how did you get in my house?

Debbie:
I copied your key at the shoe repair shop in little tokyo. I also gave Mr. Yamaguro all of your platform shoes to be cut down. You'll be wearing flats from now on, my little patient!

Pim:
How long have i been asleep?

Debbie:
A long time. Did you know that you talk in your sleep? You have a sailor's mouth. You must have cable.

Pim:
All right, get me out of this thing!

Mad Max:
(Growls)

Phil:
(Stutters) How did you get in here?

Mad Max:
(Barks)

Phil:
Oh, right. I'm sorry.

Mad Max:
(Whimpering) (Male Voice) I let myself in. Oh, Phil, I gotta talk to you.

Phil:
All right, but make it quick, all right? I'm headed off to festapalooza.

Mad Max:
So i found out this morning that Jimmy's not coming home from college this weekend.

Phil:
Jimmy...Oh, right, your master. Oh, gee, that's too bad. I am sorry about that, Man.

Mad Max:
I tell you, I am so bummed. I've been drinking toilet water all day.

Phil:
Oh, Max, i've tried that, and it's not the answer.

Mad Max:
(Whimpers)

Phil:
Hey, would a head scratch help?

Mad Max:
It wouldn't hurt. Oh, yeah, that's good. Now the ears. Now the neck.

28 Minutes Later...

Mad Max:
Aw, the chest. That's right. That's the stuff. I remember when i was a puppy and my master picked me up from that pet adoption place. Back then, you could pick me up. (Laughs) That was the happiest day of my life.

Phil:
Uh, that's fascinating max, but...I'm gonna be late, and my hand's really starting to cramp up, so...

Mad Max:
But it's trash day. I thought we could go for a talk and sniff.

Phil:
Any other day i could, but...I gotta go.

Mad Max:
(Whimpering)

Phil:
Here's one of my dad's dirty socks. Knock yourself out.

Mad Max:
(Whimpers)

Keely:
I got my travel wipes, and 2 quarters duct-taped to my calves in case my cell phone doesn't work.

Frog:
(Ribbit) (Ribbit)

Phil:
What about that giant foam finger of yours?

Keely:
(Gasps) Chunks and scraps! I forgot it!

Frog:
(Ribbit Ribbit)

Keely:
Phil, is there a frog following us?

Frog:
(Ribbit)

Phil:
He's probably trying to follow us to the concert.

Frog:
(Croaks) (Croaking)

Keely:
Use the wizard on him.

Frog:
(Croaking)

Phil:
Okay, but i'm not sure it'll work on amphibians.

Frog:
I've been looking all over for you, Guys. Mad Max is straight buggin'!

Keely:
Really? What's wrong with him?

Frog:
I don't know. He busted out of his crib. Said nobody cares. Talkin' about makin' a fresh start somewhere.

Phil:
But he just came by to see me. I thought he was going home.

Keely:
Wait, Phil, you knew he was upset, and you just left him?

Phil:
No! No, I mean...I gave him a sock.

Keely:
He could get lost! He could get hurt!

Frog:
Yo, he could get jacked.

Keely:
Yeah, he could get jacked!

Phil:
All right, Keely, we'll go to the concert. Then, after we get back, if he's still gone, we'll go and look for him.

Keely:
(Sighs) Do what you want. I'm outta here.

Phil:
Wait, no...Keely! But he's just a dog!

(Mechanical Whirring)

(Horn Honking)

Tia:
Yoo-hoo! Yeah, the concert's this way. If she's going home to change outfits...I don't blame her.

Phil:
No, she's all upset about this dog Max. I--I don't know what she's so freaked out about.

Tia:
That's Keely. I've known her since the first grade. Yeah, she probably thinks she's doing the right thing.

Phil:
The--The right thing?

Tia:
(Sighs) See, Phil, there are 2 types of people in this world--people like Keely, who are always thinking about other people. Then there are people like us, who i call...Happy people.

Phil:
So you can't...Do the right thing and be happy?

Tia:
Well, all i know is my way works. Hey, now, you probably won't be able to get backstage. So i'll see you back at school on...Monday. At lest let me sell your tickets! (Scoffs) Unhappy person.

Keely:
Max? Max?

(Dog Barking)

Keely:
(Gasps) Max!

Phil:
Oh! Oh! Oh, what?

Keely:
Phil, what are you doing here? I thought i heard max.

Phil:
Oh, yeah, that was just me. I was calling him in his own language. Max, come on, Boy. It's me--Phil. Come here.

(Barking)

Keely:
(Sighs) So why aren't you at the concert?

Phil:
This is more important. I made a commitment to a friend.

Keely:
Heh. Don't do this for me.

Phil:
I'm not.

Keely:
Oh.

Phil:
I'm doing it for Max.

Keely:
Good. Now, where does a dog go when he wants to make a fresh start?

Phil:
Huh...

Keely:
(Sighs)

Phil:
No, wait. Max did say something back at the house. What...That was it!

Keely:
Yes!

(Dogs Barking)

Keely:
Oh, my gosh--Max's bandana!

Phil:
There's Max.

Keely:
Hey, Max!

Phil:
Hey, Buddy, you want to come talk to us over here?

Keely:
Come on. Come here.

Mad Max:
What are you doin' here? Oh, you want a puppy, too?

Keely:
No, Max, we're here to take you back home.

Mad Max:
Heh, right. No one wants a cranky old gas bag like me.

Phil:
Hey, that's not true. I know i said i'd be your friend, and i wasn't acting like it, so i'm sorry. But i'm promise to visit you every day and scratch you till my fingers fall off.

Keely:
Max, Phil missed the concert to look for you.

Mad Max:
Really? You missed festapalooza for me?

Phil:
Yeah. No biggie.

Mad Max:
You idiot. There's gonna be about 50 bands there. Just kidding. I appreciate it.

Keely:
Come on. Let's get out of here. Come on!

Mad Max:
So you missed the concert, eh? well, I got a pretty good voice.

Phil:
Oh, yeah?

Mad Max:
(Singing) If you're happy and you know it wag your tail. If you're happy and you know it wag your tail. Take it away, Phil.

Phil:
I don't think so. No.

Keely:
Phil's a perfectionist!

Phil (leans down into his locker):
No, I'm not!

Pim:
Berwick! You're GOING DOWN!

Debbie:
(as Pim eats a cupcake) Don't! Pim! Pim! Pim, no! (as oters eat cupcakes) Don't! No! No! Don't! NOOOOOOOOO! (voice becoming distorted)No! No! (starts to melt) No! No! No! No!

Phil:
Uh... Hello.

25-year-old Keely:
Hello, Philip Diffy. Is that orange juice for me?

Phil:
Uh, no, it's for a friend of mine but...

25-year-old Keely:
Ah, you mean that little cutie Keely Teslow, the one who is smart, and funny, and one day, gonna look just like this!

Phil:
No way! Keely, you look incredible and I can't believe you took the New-Ager.

25-year-old Keely:
Phil, I'm sorry. I just want to see what I'd look like. But, here! I got it right here. You can zap me back to 14 right now. Can you believe it?

Debbie:
Are there any conditions about making doily hats?

Pim:
I'm sure there is. (flips through papers) Doily hats? Doily hats? Doily hats? It's not in here!!

Debbie:
(clapping) Yay! Break out the safety scissors!

Keely:
Phil, I have something to tell you. It's kinda akward for me that your here with Alice. I'm talking about the "J" word. Jealous. You know what I mean?

Curtis (in Phil's body):
Uh-ka kunga.

Keely:
Fine, I guess no one can be seen talking to the lonely bus girl.

Barbara (to Lloyd):
Why were you invisible getting the paper?

Lloyd:
Because I didn't want the neighbors to see me in my undies.

Pim:
Couldn't you have spared us?!

Keely:
Last thing a girl wants is her brother in her personal business.

Jerry:
This isn't my sandwich.

Pim:
And you're not getting one. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

Keely (to Phil):
So, tennis tomorrow?

Phil:
Oh, absolutely. You're going down.

Keely:
In your tennis dreams!

Lana:
Oh look, little Pim is shy.

Pim:
Shy, my eye!

Tia:
I'm cue ball! Don't knock me in!

Keely:
I'm cue stick! I'm long and thin!

Phil:
I'm cue-ter! I aim to win!

Keely:
Phil, you're obviously upset. You always crack nuts when you're upset.

Phil:
Keel, just give me another walnut. I'm not upset.

(Keely passes Phil a nut)

Phil:
(yelling) That's not a walnut, that's a Brazil nut. Come on, Keely. Get your head in the game!

Teacher:
"Marla, Thats my Coco-Nana Smoothie!" (Marla ignores the teacher. She picks up the smoothie and takes off the lid. The kids in class look shocked. She then opens Phil's top and pours the smoothie down his shirt for seven whole seconds.)

Bradley Benjamin Farmer:
She only had one name. Pim. Blonde, angry, yet strangely attractive. Hey, don't write that!

Man:
There's always one bad tomato in every batch. You can explain it to your principal!

Debbie:
Fun baskets, $5.00. Get your fun baskets. They're for a good cause. Fun baskets! Get your fun baskets!

Debbie:
Okay. That's close enough.