Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #148

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 6,280 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Gerald Bald Z:
Dad, I'm home from school.

Japanese Bear Dad:
[roar]

Gerald Bald Z:
Guess what, I've just invented the internet, but it's made of wood.

[shows him a decapitated head of Model Robot]

Perfect Hair Forever  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

Gerald Bald Z:
What's wrong with Dad?

Gerald's Mom:
H-He's a bear.

Gerald Bald Z:
Goodness. Was he a bear this morning?

Gerald's Mom:
He was...until he got his morning coffee. Now he's a Japanese Bear Dad.

Gerald Bald Z:
Was Dad a Japanese Bear Dad this morning?

Gerald's Mom:
I don't know. I was too drunk. I woke up drunk. Weren't you?

Gerald Bald Z:
Hah. I'm too young to drink.

Japanese Bear Dad:
[roar]

Gerald Bald Z:
That bear sure looks hungry, [looks at the viewers] even if he is our Dad.

Audience:
[laugh track]

Perfect Hair Forever  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

Narrator:
...Tonight will not be...comedy buttocks. Forever...variety bring you our Japanese Bear Dad.

Perfect Hair Forever  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

Felix the Bear:
You a hot dog, you know.

Sherman the Giraffe:
I don't know nothing about nothing about nothing.

Felix the Bear:
Sh...yeah. You just a japanese hotdog giraffe, that's what you are.

Sherman the Giraffe:
You watch your mouth there, boy.

Felix the Baar:
Heh heh!

Sherman the Giraffe:
I ain't gonna give you too many chances now.

Perfect Hair Forever  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

Narrator:
From Los Angeles, California, it's "The Perfect Hair Forever Comedy Variety Hour." Featuring Steve Martin, [credit shows Vishal Roney] Ruth Buzzi, [credit shows Melissa Warrenburg] and Steve Buzzi. [credits shows Warren Roneyburg]

Perfect Hair Forever  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

Jasper:
Please! I'm sorry, okay? Don't kill me, please! I don't want to die! My girlfriend's pregnant! Please!

Assy McGee:
Congratulations. I know who the father won't be.

[Assy lifts Jasper to the helicopter blades slicing him to death]

Assy McGee:
You just weren't father material anyway.

Assy McGee  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

Assy McGee:
Let me ask you something, Jasper. Why'd you do it?

Jasper:
Um, well, I was breast-fed until I was 13, and that really messed me up. Oh, and my Dad's overbearing. And he also breast-fed me.

Assy McGee:
I know what it's like to be a little bit mixed up. Maybe doing the wrong thing and listening to the right thing is no better. Maybe you f***ed up, and then you wish you hadn't, and you stare at that face in the mirror, and it says to you, "What the f*** are you doing now"?

Jasper:
Okay.

Assy McGee:
You got look in that mirror and say, "I'm better than that." You're better than this, Jasper. [farts] I guess that's what I'm saying.

Jasper:
Wow, thanks a lot, man. You -- You've been a really big help.

Assy McGee:
Sometimes all you need is someone to talk to.

Jasper:
Yeah, I guess you're right. I'm sorry.

Assy McGee:
I know. I'm sorry, too, son. [fights Jasper]

Assy McGee  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

Mayor:
Hey, hey, I'm not the only hero. But, uh, I am writing a book about my experiences. It's called "Hey, I'm Not The Only Hero -- One Mayor's Tale of A Hostage Crisis."

Assy McGee  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

Assy McGee:
[uses megaphone] Okay, Jasper, let the Mayor go, and I'll get you what you want.

Jasper:
Just get me a helicopter, okay?

Chief:
[on walkie talkie] Talk to me, Assy. What's he want?

Assy McGee:
15 vodka gimlets and a splash of milk -- Top shelf, or the Mayor gets it.

Chief:
What?

Assy McGee:
His words, not mine.

Chief:
Come on, McGee. That's just playground talk, What else?

Assy McGee:
Jasper wants a bird.

Chief:
A helicopter? That's gonna take some time.

Assy McGee:
Then your four-square team's gonna be mopping Mayor brains, unless you get me those DRINKS AND THE BIRD BEFORE THAT RECESS WHISTLE BLOWS!

Chief:
Okay, okay. We're on it.

Chief:
[to Sanchez] What the hell is wrong with your partner?

Sanchez:
Don't worry about Assy, Chief. The kid's a closer, best there's ever been.

Chief:
Well, he seems real interested in making sure this perp's comfortable.

Sanchez:
He might have stockholm syndrome.

Chief:
Swedish herpes?

Sanchez:
No, it's a condition you suffer from where you become too sympathetical with your captors, Chief.

Chief:
...He's not captured, you idiot! Go pick up my dry cleaning and pour the damn drinks already, Glen. AND SOMEONE GET ME A F***ING CHOPPER!

Assy McGee  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

Assy McGee:
That's it. I'm done figure skating.

Chief:
McGee, where the hell are you going?

Assy McGee:
NOBODY HUMILIATES MY MAYOR! NOBODY! NOBODY! NOBODY! AAH!

[Assy randomly shoots civilized people after walking out from the club]

Assy McGee  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

[while the Mayor is still being hostage from Jasper]

Mayor:
[to Jasper] You know we can make a deal, hmm? I am the Mayor.

Mayor:
Just release me from this headlock.

Assy McGee  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

[DiLorenzo starts to disguise as a pizza delivery man to end the hostage situation]

DiLorenzo:
[anxiety] Ohh, ohh, god, DiLorenzo. Do this. Do this. Do this. Oh, come on, man. You're brave. You're brave. Oh, dear god, please give me the strength to do this.

[DiLorenzo comes inside the pharmacy]

DiLorenzo:
So, uh, yeah, here's your pie, It's, uh, on the house, my man. [sniffs] Uh, mind if I look around a bit? I ain't no cop. [chuckles] It's a good operation you run here, absolutely, absolutely.

[as DiLorenzo still staying in act, Chief notices in the Di's hidden camera that the mayor is also in this pharmacy store as well]

Chief:
Oh, you gotta be [bleep] me. It's the Mayor! The [bleep] is he doing there?

DiLorenzo:
Whoa, whoa! Hey, Mr. Mayor! Hey, look, everybody. It's our freaking mayor. It's our freaking mayor. What are you doing here, Mr. Mayor?

Mayor:
Aw, man!

DiLorenzo:
No, no, no, relax. I'll take care of this. [to Jasper] Hey, pal, you cannot do this to our mayor.

Mayor:
Idiot. I ain't goin' telling everybody I'm the Mayor.

Jasper:
Well, well, well, the Mayor? It's my lucky day.

Mayor:
Great! That's just great! Why don't you just pull the trigger now, shoot me in the head? Shoot the mayor in the head.

DiLorenzo:
Hey, no. I mean, I'm the Mayor. I'm Mayor DiLorenzo. Hey, who wants some Mayor pizza? Huh? It's getting cold. Ha ha ha.

[Jasper points the gun at DiLorenzo]

DiLorenzo:
No, no, no, no.

Woman:
He's got a gun!

DiLorenzo:
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. PLEASE, I GOT TWO FREAKIN' CATS!

Jasper:
Everybody down!

DiLorenzo:
I DON'T WANT TO DIE! [runs away]

Mayor:
The Mayor tell you to get that guy.

Jasper:
No, no, no, no, man! Don't run! I'M GONNA SHOOT YOU!

[Assy, Sanchez, Chief, and the police officer clapped and cheered seeing DiLorenzo getting shot, and most of them made a bet of dollars to seeing if he got shot or not ]

Jasper:
[to Mayor] See? See?

Mayor:
Oh, man, what an idiot.

Assy McGee  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

Chief:
Where the hell have you been, McGee?

Assy McGee:
Clearin' the brush to send eyes inside.

Chief:
Good work. What do you need?

Assy McGee:
Lipstick camera, bifocals, large pie, and a pizza-delivery uniform, a pint of tear gas, and a mule to carry...

Chief:
What?

Assy McGee:
"Mule to carry it all."

Chief:
Alright. Who do you suggest we send in?

Assy McGee:
Someone brave we can afford to lose.

Assy McGee  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

[Chief plays Adult Photo Hunt]

Chief:
Wait! Left tit's got two nipples!

Sanchez:
That's a good eye, Chief. I thought those bosoms looked kind of weird.

Assy McGee  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

[Jasper leaves from the pharmacy]

Assy McGee:
[using megaphone] Okay, son, what do you want us to call you?

Jasper:
Uh, Jasper's my name. My Mom and Dad named us all "J" names.

Assy McGee:
[using megaphone] That's cute. You and I are gonna see eye-to-eye.

Jasper:
Hey, look, we're all hungry in here, okay? So we want some pizzas now, alright? And if we don't get any pizza, then someone's gonna get it!

Assy McGee:
[using megaphone] You got to trade me one hostage for every topping.

Jasper:
No, man. I guess then just cheese, then. We want some soda, too...some, um, Dr. Brown's Celery Soda.

Assy McGee:
[to Sanchez] He didn't bite.

Sanchez:
You almost had him.

Assy McGee:
I know, this guy's a riddle wrapped inside of a brain teaser, Sanchez.

Assy McGee  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

Sanchez:
Listen up, peoples! We're setting up a command center directly across from the pharmacy at Bob's Barbershop.

Assy McGee:
[using megaphone] Shut up, asshole. We're setting up at Bill W's. Now!

Sanchez:
Assy, that's two blocks away.

Assy McGee:
[using megaphone to Jasper] Clean your cleats, f***head. It's game time, and we got a two-minute warning on the clock!

Assy McGee  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

Assy McGee:
How much dynamite we got?

Sanchez:
What do you need dynamite for?

Asys McGee:
Blow up the pharmacy.

Sanchez:
There's innocent civilians inside!

Assy McGee:
This place is a coward convention.

Sanchez:
There's protocols we got to follow.

Assy McGee:
Alright, I'll hit from the ladies tees with you.

Sanchez:
I'm gonna set up a communications base.

Assy McGee:
That'll give me enough time to break into his brain and kick the tires.

Assy McGee  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

Sanchez:
This thing turned from a simple stick-and-grab to a hostage situation. Chief wants you running point.

Assy McGee:
Five years planning that vacation.

Sanchez:
Well, maybe if you weren't the best hostage negotiator around, you'd be back there enjoying the lake. Must be peaceful, being there all by yourself.

Assy McGee:
Actually, you know who's got property next to mine?

Sanchez:
Who?

Assy McGee:
Kid Rock.

Sanchez:
The music guy?

Assy McGee:
Yeah.

Sanchez:
I bet he plays his music loud.

Assy McGee:
I thought he was gay, but I watched him and his girlfriend do it. [wheezes]

Sanchez:
You should've worn a parka.

Assy McGee:
And next time you shower, try standing near the water. [laughs]

Sanchez:
You know, sometimes, you're really rude.

Assy McGee  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

Sanchez:
[on phone] Assy, where are you?

Assy McGee:
My lake house.

Sanchez:
What lake, Assy?

Assy McGee:
Make sure the heat's on in the car, full blast...

Sanchez:
Okay, okay.

Assy McGee:
...the setting that blows on your feet.

Assy McGee  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

[Assy gets a call from the police interrupting his fishing day]

Assy McGee:
Five years planning this vacation, and now this?! [shoots the fishes at the bottom of the ocean]

Assy McGee  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

Jasper:
Uh, everyone down. This is a robbery. Sorry, this'll just take a minute. Next person who open their mouth get shot. I'm just here to get my prescription filled, and then I'm leaving, and if -- If nothing happens, nobody gets hurt okay?

Cashier:
Okay?

Jasper:
Now fill this prescription, please.

Cashier:
I'm not the pharmacist. I'm just a cashier.

Customer:
Oh, for god sakes, just go back there and get it.

Jasper:
Buzz me in, man!

Cashier:
It's locked.

Jasper:
BUZZ ME IN!

Cashier:
IT'S LOCKED!

Jasper:
I'm sorry for yelling.

Customer:
[groans] I am not in the mood for this at all.

Jasper:
No, no, no, no. No one's going anywhere, no. [sees the police car outside] Aw, come on. Are you kidding?! Who tripped the silent alarm? Who did that? Who did that? [grabs the cashier while pointing the gun at her] Who? You, fat pig? YOU?! YOU?!

Customer:
I'm going to leave now.

Jasper:
STOP! I'M SERIOUS, MAN! STOP!

[Jasper shoots the customer]

Customer:
Oh, god!

Jasper:
Why -- Why'd you run, man? Why did you run? You made me do that! [crying] Oh, man, I just want to go home.

[Jasper mistakenly shoots the cashier]

Jasper:
Oh, my god. I'm so sorry.

Assy McGee  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

[Gary's phone rings]

Modok:
SUN GOD!

Gary Bunda:
It's just a phone, Modok!

Modok:
SUN GOD!

Gary Bunda:
It's just a phone.

Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

Gary Bunda:
[deep voice] Hey.

Anna:
Who are you? Where's Jax?

Gary Bunda:
[deep voice] My name's Max Steelcastle. I'm the new boy in school.

Gary Bunda:
[deep voice] This is my friend, Modok...Furcastle. [normal voice] And he's gonna put that log down right now. Right, Modok? Put that log down, Modok.

[Modok puts the log down]

Gary Bunda:
[deep voice] He's also new at school. W-We come from different families. You know, we're not a -- Not a package deal.

Gary Bunda:
[deep voice] I take care of him 'cause he's deaf.

Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell  Movie Quote

added 6 months ago

Gerald Bald Z:
Twisty! Confusing My Road To Free Combustion Power Ash Flick Force! Activate!

Terry/Twisty:
What?

Gerald Bald Z:
Perform Chesterfield Slims Iron Lung Fuel Flip Synergy Ignition!

Terry/Twisty:
What?

Gerald Bald Z:
Activate Lucy Flip Phase 9 Power Fuel Consumption Protocol!

Terry/Twisty:
What?

Gerald Bald Z:
DO IT! NOW!

[Twisty flicks his cigar to the gas tanks to Gerald fly high out of the race]

Perfect Hair Forever  Movie Quote

added 7 months ago

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