China, Il

Steve Smith:
So people with power are like lions. And we are like zebra. The lions could help us zebra, but, no, they don't. They eat us and crap us over and over.

[throw his beer inside the ceiling]

Steve Smith:
To conclude, we must become Rebel Zebra.

Dean:
Steve, these government dudes think you're a terrorist.

Students:
[gasps]

Steve Smith:
Whoa, Dean.

Frank Smith:
Sure, everyone thinks Steve's smoother than me because he knows about wine and has black friends, but if I'm alone, everyone loves me.

Baby Cakes:
I know what you're saying. I quit math class again 'cause there was a genius in there and I was afraid of him. Better versions of humans are scary.

Frank Smith:
[happily curious] Are you even a student anymore?

Young Steve:
You guys like presidents?

Audience:
[cheering]

Young Steve:
Here's Ronald Reagan. [imitating Ronald Reagan] Well, heh, I like to kiss butts, and I love to smell farts. And I'm gonna blow us all up, shut up, Nancy. I can do whatever I want.

Jackie Lather:
Forget the last contestant, Steve wins! [referring to Frank]

Pony:
So, what's Steve got to do with Reagan now?

Special Agent Green:
In the '80s, Reagan had the FBI make a time machine. He said it was to stop homosexuality from being invented in the '60s. We now know he just said that to get us to build it so he could get back at Steve because of the show.

Special Agent Green:
[does sign language from Special Agent Lee's words] "Hey, WikiLeaks, why don't you tell them every f***ing secret we have, huh"? I know, I'm sorry. Sorry, sir.

[one of the special agent shows pictures of where Ronald Reagan mess up Steve's memories]

Special Agent Green:
You can see that in each shot, no one seems to be aware of Reagan.

Steve Smith:
But I don't remember Reagan being there.

Special Agent Green:
There's also this note.

[Steve reads Ronald Reagan's note the special agents found from]

Ronald Reagan:
Dear feds, I have the time machine. These pictures should confirm my power to freeze time and change anything. Anyway, not sure what to do now. Might go kill important people or meet cool dead people. P.S. -- Tell Steve that if he mocks me again, I will freeze time and I will sh*t in his mouth. Signed, Dutch."

Baby Cakes:
Hey, read it out loud.

Steve Smith:
Shut your ass, Baby Cakes.

Pony:
So, Reagan invented a time machine just so he could sh*t in Steve's mouth?

Steve Smith:
I, uh, I...I need air. I need air. [leaves]

Frank Smith:
Let me do it to the end. It really seals the deal.

[Frank dances]

Baby Cakes:
Damn, you kick like a wicked chicken.

Dean:
So, a senile, dead ex-president screwing with time seems pretty bad.

Special Agent Green:
He could be freezing and changing whatever he wants. That is Jesus' great power.

Pony:
So, what's the plan?

Special Agent Green:
Please, point your lips at Agent Lee.

Pony:
[points to her mouth] How are you going to catch Reagan?

[Agent Lee got nothing]

Special Agent Green:
[speaks sign language in Agent Lee's words] "Let's hear your best guess, first."

Pony:
Well, I think you'd use Steve as bait, re-create that kids' show right here, now. Steve does his act again. Reagan sees it.

Frank Smith:
And Reagan will make good on his threat. The act was what got him to hate Steve in the first place.

Special Agent Green:
[speaks sign language in Agent Lee's words] "If we make the same insult live on TV, Reagan will be so mad he'll appear for revenge. It's the only way to put him in one predictable place in space time. [to Pony] You guess our plan exactly".

Steve Smith:
[after vomiting] I'm not risking dump in my mouth.

[while the crew are still talking about Reagan's revenge on Steve]

Frank Smith:
[to the agents] Pigs, take a back seat on this one. I'm his brother. I know how to talk to him.

[cuts to the next scene in the Teacher's Lounge]

Frank Smith:
[begs] YOU GOT TO F***ING DO THIS FOR ME!. I'll do my act. I'll win. I'll have a shot at self-esteem. Pleeeeeease!

Baby Cakes:
Steve, the clock is moving, man.

Steve Smith:
My life has been putty in his hands. I won't take his putty in my mouth.

Pony:
Steve, he could be crapping in all our mouths right now and we wouldn't know it. This is lions and zebras. We need Rebel Zebra. We need the zeeb.

Steve Smith:
You're damn right, Pony. I'll be the zeeb.

Frank Smith:
Sure, we'll all be stuff.

Announcer:
Live with no prior announcement, the return of Jackie Lather's "Kid Talent Parade"! Tune in to see a great Ronald Reagan send up! If I were Reagan, I'd be so mad, I'd just have to do something!

[Frank returns to his old act by doing breakdancing at a Kid Show Parade]

Frank Smith:
Yeah, been upgrading my act, listening to a lot of the fresher sh*t coming out of New Orleans. [chuckles] You spin plates on sticks, right? "Gong show".

Pony:
Ladies and gentlemen, Jackie Lather!

Old Jackie Lather:
The world is a dick. F*** you, for aging us and teasing humans with love. Okay, don't care about the first contestant. But here he is, Frankenbreaker.

Special Agent Green:
The only potential hiccup is that the time-antidote device has never been used. It may or may not work.

Steve Smith:
What about the mouth crap? Wait!

[Agent Green already shoves Steve to do his act for the mission]

[Ronald Reagan suddenly froze time when Steve starts to do his impression of him]

Ronald Reagan:
Oh, boy. Little Steve got himself frozen. Well, when a kid is bad, that kid must get a lesson. Today's lesson is Cause and Effect. I get a time machine, I get to be a time lord. A lion eats a zebra. The lion will eventually uneat that zebra. Cause and Effect, bucko. Cause [ready to take a dump in Steve's mouth] and Effect.

Steve Smith:
You could have used your presidential power for good, but no! So now I'm gonna put every tooth rush you ever had on my nuts.

Ronald Reagan:
F*** you. You don't have nuts. Anyone can a be a critic.

Steve Smith:
Anyone can be a president as long as you suck! So listen up -- People with power are like lions.

[then Steve and Ronald Reagan start to have a long-time conversation on why the difference between lions and zebras representing the peoples' power while everyone is still frozen in time]

[5 years later]

Steve Smith:
All right, sure, I'm...I'm talking about deregulation here, though, the trickle-down bullsh*t. I mean, there's no way that you thought that was good for anybody.

Ronald Reagan:
A president must sacrifice most of the masses for some of the masses. Don't be so naive, son.

[50 years later]

Steve Smith:
Pictures of women do nothing for me now. It's weird. I'm beyond the stroke.

Ronald Reagan:
I used to call thatcher for no reason, just to hear her sexy voice.

Steve Smith:
Mm.

[100 years later]

Ronald Reagan:
All this time to talk with you has enlightened me.

Steve Smith:
No, I'm enlightened. You thinking what I'm thinking?

Steve & Ronald Reagan:
Time Power!

[after Steve and Ronald Reagan went back in time to change history of what could've happen in the world cultures]

Steve Smith:
No! All our good deed turned Present Day into the apocalypse.

Ronald Reagan:
We should never try to make the past into something we want.

Future Steve:
Listen, I'm the future you. I'm cooler.

Steve Smith:
Screw you, hippie.

[Ronald Reagan gets caught]

Ronald Reagan:
Okay, mommy, I'll eat all my pudding. Where's Punky Brewster?

Steve Smith:
Oh, he's faking Alzheimer's.

[then Steve and Ronald Reagan fight themselves to the death]

Old Jackie Lather:
What a surprise! A walk-on from the almost certainly dead Ronald Reagan. Hey, God! Where's your consistency? And it looks like our three remaining contestants are strangely all seriously wounded.

Pony:
What are we doing at a math competition?

Steve Smith:
If the Dean weren't coaching, I wouldn't even be here. Math is for idiots.

Frank Smith:
Hey, watch this Williams kid work the Y-Axis.

Pony:
Why do you do everything that The Dean asks?

Frank Smith:
Because he's our boss!

Steve Smith:
No, sees, The Dean is, uh, cool.

Baby Cakes:
So cool, he could kill or love anyone. And we got to have a perfect in our pack of regulars, or we'd all be lost.

Dean:
Donny, you're up. You got to lie to yourself here and believe that you are me. I'm inside you. Feel me grow in you until there's nothing left of you. And remember, I will f***ing kill you if you lose.

Dean:
When I was a boy, I was a little man. My bike was a little car, my family was a little faculty, and I ruled them just like I rule all of you. My little teachers.

Mayor:
The Mayor's mad! Fifth time The Dean's trashed the town! Town can't have a heathen Dean running school like a whorenaysium. Mayor wants to know what the Dean will do about the sin damage, amen.

Dean:
You got city workers to clean it.

Mayor:
DEAN DON'T BELONG IN OUR GOD-FEARING TOWN!

Dean:
There is -- No -- God! No God, No God, No God, No God! Just us people trying to party before we die.

Mayor:
Really? Well, then the Mayor challenges The Dean to an arm-wrestling match. Mayor wins, he runs school. Dean wins, he gets the town. Amen?

Dean:
My arms are yelling at me to hurt you!

Mayor:
Oh, Mayor's ready. Mayor gonna win no-handed because Mayor's got God on his side.

Dean:
Ha! Are you kidding?

Mayor:
Mayor don't kid.

Dean:
Well, hell...your funeral!

[when Dean loses, Mayor starts to make a few changes with this town]

Steve Smith:
No drinking, no internet, no fruit? And why do professors have to live in the dorms?

Pony:
So The Mayor can enforce the masturbation and premarital sex ban? I'll marry you right now, s--

Steve Smith:
Later.

Steve Smith:
Didn't you send my application out to other schools? I told you to do it -- A lot.

Pony:
Dude, I forgot. And, by the way, you used to not be such a d*ck. Why don't you go take a nap?

Steve Smith:
[groans] I usually have Frank to b*tch at, and you're usually good at your job.

[Frank shows up to Steve and Pony as a officer working for the Mayor]

Frank Smith:
Well, well, well. Looks like I'm finally the older brother.

Steve Smith:
You really have no sense of allegiance.

Frank Smith:
[chuckles] I'm allegiant to power. I can't help it. Now all I got to do is enforce The Mayor's law and everyone respects me.

Pony:
Frank, you are such an attention whore!

Frank Smith:
The same can be said for Jesus, and look where it got him -- Queen of Heaven. Time for a contraband check.

[Steve spits on Frank's boots]

Frank Smith:
You know there's a law against spitting --

[Steve spits on Frank's face and then tackles him]

Frank Smith:
CAMERAS, HELP ME!

[Steve then gets hold back from the other officers]

Frank Smith:
Now...say I can eat all I want from a buffet! Say I'm cool! Say it!

Steve Smith:
Frank is cool...for now.

Aquarium Boss:
Can't believe the Mighty Dean is my employee. [laughs] So cool. Feels so good. [sees Baby Cakes] Here's my other dumb worker. Baby Cakes, tell The Dean here what to do.

Baby Cakes:
What's up, Dean? I thought you worked on a cloud or something.

Dean:
[sad] The Mayor took my top spot on the cool pyramid. I'm b*tch to the world.

Baby Cakes:
Aw, man. Get that out of your head. Now just go on in there and feed those 'mingos.

[as The Dean starts to feed the flamingos, the flamingos fighted and humped Dean]

Dean:
Ouch! My nipple! Oh, god! [crying]

Aquarium Boss:
[to the civilians] It's okay. It's a dominance thing. Dean, you're fired!

Baby Cakes:
[to Dean] Oh, dude, you got gang-perched.

Frank Smith:
Mayor, don't rage, but isn't accessing everyone's medical records illegal?

Mayor:
Mayor got to know what his people are made of. Come sit on Mayor's lap, little man. Ever since The Mayor started worshiping God, Mayor got rich. Looky here. Keys to Little Man's new car. Stick with Mayor, get rich and powerful. Amen.

Frank Smith:
Uh, sold. [chuckles]

[Baby Cakes sees Steve and Pony trapped in pillories]

Baby Cakes:
Oh, no! They got you guys in saint cages!

Dean:
[talking to a racquet] Can you believe those kids took my shoes? What's that? My fault? Okay.

[Dean starts to hit his butt with a racquet]

Steve Smith:
Oh great. Inanimate objects are kicking his ass now.

[the crew starts to take Dean to the doctors' office]

Dr. Falgot:
Let's take a look at these cat scans here. [inhales sharply] Well I'll be. Look at this. Look at this. There's a damned brain vage right there!

Baby Cakes:
A brain vagina?

Pony:
Come on.

Dr. Falgot:
Let me explain. Dean, you're an alpha. You got a confident brain here, but this one tiny, moist region of insecurity is psychologically crippling you.

Dean:
Well, cut it off me, Doc.

Dr. Falgot:
No can do, Dean. It's illegal in the states.

Pony:
Well, my brother is still in Mexico, and he's a doctor.

Pony:
[to everyone] You know I'm Mexican, right?

Steve:
Your brother's a real doctor, right?

Pony:
Well, Mexican real.

Pony's Brother:
The brain vag is gone. We gave him a grapevine testicular addition enhancement on the house.

Dean:
I'm back, Jack! I feel it!

Pony:
Aah! That is so f***ing gross!

Steve:
[clears throat to Pony]

Pony:
Oh, yeah. Right. I think you're hot, and you probably have a nice car, and I want you to finger-bang me in it.

Dean:
Damn right. Come on, kids! I got a school to f*** back up!

[after Dean's brain vag removal, the crew and Dean went back to China, Il to make Dean become the real boss of school again]

Security Guard:
I'm sorry, but you're on the no-no list.

Dean:
Punk, let us in! I'm the Real Dean!

[Dean suddenly starts to have a growing pain from the surgery and then sucking his thumb like a baby]

Steve Smith:
Pony, your plan was crap!

Pony:
You know what? F*** you, Steve. I'm taking you guys home.

[Dean meets God]

Dean:
God?

God:
Dean, I like you. I want you to be the leader of your pack again.

Dean:
But I lost! You like The Mayor more.

God:
I...changed my mind a lot.

Dean:
Are you real? Is this real?

God:
Hell, yes, I'm real. Feel me fill you with alpha power. Feel it!

Dean:
I do! I feel like killing a guy and loving his wife and daughters and granddaughters!

God:
I command you to beat The Mayor! Believe that is my will for you to win! You are the best!

[Dean finally wakes up, and then growls while crashing through the wall]

Mayor:
Since the Mayor took control, grades are up. Been no riots. Mayor now plans to overtake all the schools in America! At Columbia, Mayor will install Frank as The Dean. FRANK?!

Frank Smith:
Frank's honored. Frank promises to be as good as Mayor. Frank will watch surveillance feeds, especially ones in bathrooms, while Frank washes his insides out with the holy enema.

All:
[gasps]

Frank Smith:
Frank will rid himself, as Mayor does daily, of Satan's mustard that brews in the sin pouch, here, in pants. Frank will store that mustard, like Mayor, in the cleansing belly of our mascot, Gang Sang, the Panda.

[Dean meets God again for defeating Mayor in arm wrestling in no-handed style]

Dean:
God, how'd I do, brother?

[God reveals to be Baby Cakes all along]

Dean:
Baby Cakes?!

Baby Cakes:
[chuckles] My plan worked so well, I've been down at the hospital getting everyone's hopes up for nothing.

Dean:
So there's no God? LET'S SIN!

Frank Smith:
We're gonna be on the History Channel! [laughs] We are Cinderellas!

Steve Smith:
Finally, I'll be the expert on TV.

Frank Smith:
Yeah! We'll be rich! And just in time! The bank sent this letter saying I'm going to Debtors' Prison. [whispers excitedly] Scary!

Pony:
It's just cable. They're not gonna pay you that much.

Frank Smith:
Nah, see, once America gets a taste, they'll demand we get our own show.

Pony:
Frank, no one would possibly give you a show.

[cuts to the next scene where the news crew stops by at China, Il university]

Female News Reporter:
I'm gonna give these guys their own show. No one else believes in them at the History Channel, but once we get them on this Reagan special, America will demand it.

Female Scientist:
Um, should we really be drinking while working?

Professor Cakes:
Well, I think it's a tad unromantic to use the word "work" to describe the act of screwing like pigs.

Golden Bowl:
Here at the university of China, Illinois, the destruction is biblical and I mean old-ass testament. Estimates set the death toll at 500. Today's event forced an immediate abandonment by officials.

Special Agent Green:
We had no provable involvement in this experiment, so the Federal Government may now turn its back on the suffering with dignity.

Mayor:
School made that baby, school DEAL with it! Amen!

Dean:
First off, super science, how did this even happen?

Professor Cakes:
Oh, well, we get pseudo-human outcomes often. We got Hair Kid, and we got the Bowl of Face, Finger Guy, and Sanford's Beard baby is due any minute.

[Sanford's beard suddenly pushes out his own baby]

Dean:
So, do we burn this thing or bore its brains out with a laser?

Baby Cakes:
Hold on. We can't just kill him.

[Frank burst through the doors]

Frank Smith:
The History Channel people are dead. Do you know what they do to handsome guys like me in Debtors' Jail? That selfish baby dies!

Crystal:
Frank is right about this freak! Let's destroy it!

Sammy:
Yeah.

Steve Smith:
Hold on. This isn't cut and dry, like abortion. We can't just get rid of it, right?

Dr. Falgot:
Right as ritalin, Steve. It's too young to be tried for manslaughter.

Harold:
It is really cute from far away.

Dr. Falgot:
I concur.

Crystal:
Imagine the damage it will do when it's crawling. It is a monster!

Steve Smith:
Come on.

Dr. Falgot:
That's a fool's argument.

Baby Cakes:
Hey, Pony, you're needed at the Milk Pumps.

Pony:
BC, b*obs don't work that way. I make no milk.

Baby Cakes:
Well not yet. It's like a frosting. You just got to keep sucking that straw.

[Steve and Crystal cleaning up the baby's doo doo]

Crystal:
Steven, last I checked, we were professors, not crap shepherds.

Steve Smith:
It's kind of the same thing.

Crystal:
[disgusted] Oh, god.

Steve Smith:
Honey, heh, I'm not loving this, either.

Crystal:
Then I say we kill it.

Steve Smith:
No. We just need more help. And where the f*** is Frank?

Golden Bowl:
One month after the university unleashed its prodigious progeny, we in the town of China, Illinois, continue to watch as the faculty within the walled campus deal with dwindling supplies, exhausted efforts of parenting, and a general erosion of morale.

Sammy:
Babies are big and often painfully sickly.

Dr. Falgot:
Those damn babies should wait in the womb until they are adults.

Steve Smith:
Crystal, why'd you bring everyone?

Pony:
Because everyone wants this nightmare over.

Crystal:
Steven, we have a plan. Show him.

[Dr Falgot shows Steve a big pill]

Dr. Falgot:
Give it this pill and its night-night for baby.

Sammy:
Steve, if you're feeling too wussy, I could muster the gumption to slit that baby's throat.

Blood Bank Employee:
I'm sorry, sir, but upon closer examination, your blood is baby's blood. We have a strict no-baby-blood policy, so --

Frank Smith:
I was expecting to get some serious money from this. How much have I gotten from you already?

Blood Bank Employee:
About $300. So, sir, unless you have an adult source, we can do no further business.

Frank Smith:
[cries]

Baby Cakes:
Hey, Steve! You got an "A" on the paternity test! You're the Dad!

Professor Cakes:
Yeah. Hope you have insurance, Steve.

Steve Smith:
[faints]

Baby Cakes:
Better get the wake-up juice, Dad.

Professor Cakes:
Steve, we need your permission to administer what we feel certain is a shrink serum.

Steve Smith:
As long as you're sure he'll be alright then sh*t, yeah. I want a normal baby.

[as Professor Cakes and Dr. Falgot plunged the serum into the baby, the baby start to aged into an old man destroying more damage to the university]

Baby Cakes:
Aw, man. They grow up so fast.

Professor Cakes:
[to Dr. Falgot] Uh, we must have switched size with age in the equation.

Steve Smith:
[horribly surprised] I'm the Dad to a giant adult?

Dean:
What the f*** is going on here, Prof. Cakes?

Professor Cakes:
Well, he's about 90, and his brain had no time to develop, so he's at a catatonic level of retardation.

Dr. Falgot:
Cancer, diabetes, in-grown hairs. This thing is in pain. But he's so huge, he's impossible to medicate, let alone feed. And then there's this.

[shows the next scene where Steve is caring the old man as a son while dressed in a Mary Poppins suit]

Steve Smith:
[to his son] A spoonful of nothin' helps the nothin' go down.

Pony:
Dean, I know mercy killing is illegal, but in this situation, it seems reasonable, right?

Baby Cakes:
Hey, who's to say if he's happy or not?

Dean:
Got to wait him out, gracefully, while he starves.

Dean:
Court is now in session! Prosecution, what say you guys?

Steve Smith:
Dean, we request the death sentence.

Dean:
Defense.

Professor Cakes:
Uh, our lead lawyer just pulled up.

[Frank showed up while still having all his bling]

Frank Smith:
Apologies to the court. I was praying with our giant loved one out there. Such a strong soul.

Steve Smith:
Objection, your honor. Come on!

Frank Smith:
Yeah, objection overruled, because Steve is a callous son of a b*tch!

Dean:
That's a real objection, Frank!

Frank Smith:
I'll sustain it. I'll sustain it. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do we throw away our elderly? No! Not when they have so much to give!

Steve Smith:
Your honor, I don't know how, but Frank is profiting from my son.

Frank Smith:
This is not about me, but about a Dad who is done with his son now that he is an old giant.

Steve Smith:
Right. My son is old, and now it is legal to punish him for his murders. His execution will help us all heal as a society.

Dean:
[cries] Steve wins! The giant will be executed in the usual manor. Acid shall be poured into his ears, then he will be rolled into the ocean!

[after Steve wins from the court where his son gets a death sentence]

Steve Smith:
My baby's life flashed before my eyes, and I'm next. Why go on?

Baby Cakes:
I need to crash here for a few days. Dad's got a new lady, and then doing it all over the house.

Steve Smith:
[acts like a Dad] Well, you're just a big ol' baby who need a good daddy, aren't you?

Baby Cakes:
[confused] What the f*** are you doing, Steve?

Steve Smith:
Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

[the teachers and students do a ceremony for Harold's death]

Frank Smith:
Harold was the kind of friend you see during the day, never at night or for fun. A boring little mentor, really.

Baby Cakes:
[to Pony] Hey, tell Dad give me some sad potion.

Professor Cakes:
Son, I have no idea what that is.

Baby Cakes:
I know you got some.

Professor Cakes:
[sighs] Here you go.

Dean:
What can I say on a day like today? Well, history attendance is low. You got to adapt. Hell, Crystal switched to Spanish! Now it's a hit course.

Steve Smith:
You guys heard The Dean. We need money and students. Look at this registry. Come on. I need ideas.

Pony:
Okay, um, we could give the Adult Scout Cookies another chance.

Steve Smith:
I got to get out of here. I got to go kick a few trees, and figure this out on my own.

Pony:
Steve, come on. I'll put on my B.S. hat.

[after Steve and Pony leaved the room]

Baby Cakes:
What's up cookies? Someday I'm gonna buy all of you.

Steve Smith:
Frank, where have you been? [sees Frank's armor out of tin-foiled paper] I see.

Frank Smith:
Listen, last night, I was attacked by a moist spirit. Have you guys see any activity?

Pony:
Oh, I see activity, alright. No activity here. Just in there! [touches Frank's head]

Frank Smith:
Get off of me, Pony! I'm fragile now!

Pony:
Baby Cakes, I didn't even know that you were a ghost detective. That's awesome. What do you do?

Baby Cakes:
Well, I got cameras, motion detectors, and a ghost-trapping laser. I even got an E.R. station, if you ever want to die for a few minutes and go look for ghosts in the Netherworld.

Steve Smith:
That's not necessary.

Baby Cakes:
Okay. Are there any spirits here?

Frank Smith:
Wait. Are you talking to...Heaven?

Baby Cakes:
You know, I bet Heaven's a ghost town.

Pony:
Duh. That's the point, right?

Baby Cakes:
No. I mean, like, no one's good enough to be there. Just Jesus playing fetch with Old Yeller.

Harold:
Hey, Frank! It's me, Harold. I came back to talk to you. Oh! Am I scaring you?

Frank Smith:
No, no, you're just different. You...dress cool.

Harold:
I know! I'm happy now! I feel so free! Oh! I can fly and interact with the dead! Who should I call? Name it. Name it. I'll name it. Columbus? Watch this.

[Ghost Harold speed-dialed Columbus]

Harold:
[on phone] Columbo. Harold. [laughs] No, I'm on Earth. What? No! Killing Natives? No, that's more of your thing. [laughing] Alright. Bye-bye, big guy.

Harold:
That's right. Frank and I got skills! Watch this!

[Ghost Harold throws the basketball at the gymnasium window]

Student:
IT WENT IN!

Steve Smith:
So, Crystal, looks like we may beat your ass next semester in registration.

Crystal:
Care to wager, Steven? 100 lashes?

Steve Smith:
Seems a bit medieval, weirdo, but alright.

Steve Smith:
So, JFK had the FBI burn Disney's boat...and all the whores with it.

Frank Smith:
What's up! I'm like Robin to a dead Batman.

Harold:
Oh, Cuban Missile Crisis, huh, Steve? Want to get some inside perspective?

[Harold speed-dialed JFK on phone]

JFK:
Do you have any questions for me?

Frank Smith:
You, with the skin and the problem.

Wrinkled Skin Woman:
What was Marilyn Monroe like?

JFK:
She was just as mushy as all your mothers.

Students:
[gasps]

JFK:
Or so I'm told.

Dr. Falgot:
Well, I guess we're expecting more students next semester 'cause I just got okayed to order a crap-load more drugs for the Campus Clinic.

Frank Smith:
Yeah, you can thank me and Harold for that, Dr. Falgot.

Sammy:
No one asked if I cared to have a spirit up in...everywhere.

Frank Smith:
I'm in shape, kids respect me, I'm one with nature. My life is so much better with you in it!

Harold:
Wow. You really feel that way about me?

[Ghost Harold kisses Frank then blushingly leaves]

Frank Smith:
[sputters] OH, [bleep]!

Dean:
Preregistration numbers show that history will be the top course next semester. Better step up your game, Crystal.

Crystal:
[to Steve] Let's up the stakes. Winner cuts the nuts off the loser. What? Chicken?

Dean:
Got a nut bet on registration numbers? Cool! Got to do it, Steve.

Steve Smith:
Got to, and will.

Frank Smith:
Listen, we got to talk, man. I am not --

Students:
[cheered and applause]

Harold:
I stopped being a coward! I'm sorry to run away in the Glen. Oh, death made it so clear! I'm GAY AS A GIRL! LIKE YOU! I LOVE YOU, TOO, FRANK!

Steve Smith:
[behind the class door window] What the f***?

Pony:
[slurred] Frank, why didn't you tell him that you're not gay, dummy?

Steve Smith:
No, Pony. Frank's gotta play gay till registration day.

Frank Smith:
You can't fake gay sex, okay. Hips won't lie.

Baby Cakes:
He's like a fog. It'd be like screwing the wind, right?

Frank Smith:
No, I've seen him lift stuff.

Harold:
Frank, I'm so sorry I sprung that on you in public. I just hmm! Get carried away.

Frank:
Naw, man. Naw. I'm just, uh, I'm old-school. You see, I've been saving my gay self for marriage, you know?

Harold:
Yes, Frank, I do know.

[Ghost Harold then makes a speech]

Harold:
Frank? Yoo-hoo! Up here! I know this is sudden, but life is short. [laughs] Will you marry me?

Pony:
[slurred] Dream Team! Got to say yes!

Steve Smith:
You told him you weren't gay, didn't you? If we get fewer students than Crystal, I'll lose the bet and she will cut my nuts off! Where is he?!

Frank Smith:
Hey, I didn't tell him anything. He makes me popular, alright? And WAIT! I got engaged for your nut bet?

Pony:
Hold on. Crystal has nuts?

Frank Smith:
Oh, yeah. Big'uns.

[Steve and Frank died temporarily to find out what happened to Ghost Harold]

Steve Smith:
Hey, hippie, have you seen Harold the Professor?

Old Yeller:
Harold, huh? I thought he was on Earth, looking for some gay dude.

Frank Smith:
Yeah, that's me. Where are all the people?

Old Yeller:
Well, most people are in hell. Then a ton more are in Worker Heaven. Let us look back a few hours here.

[Old Yeller spins the time pond to where it shows Crystal and his friend digging up a grave for Harold's dead body]

Steve Smith:
Crystal. Where'd she get that laser?

[the time pond shows Crystal bribing money to Baby Cakes for the ghost trapping laser]

Frank Smith:
Baby Cakes?!

Steve Smith:
Benedict Arnold.

[Steve and Frank went back to the real world, after being flatlined]

Steve Smith:
WHY DID YOU SIDE WITH CRYSTAL?!

Baby Cakes:
So I could buy all the Adult Scout Cookies and save history.

Steve Smith:
We already saved it, and then you just ruined it again.

[Baby Cakes bribes Steve with money]

Steve Smith:
Don't help.

Crystal:
This what History has to offer.

[shows Harold's dead body]

Steve Smith:
[sighs] I'm gonna miss my nuts. Let's get out of here.

[Ghost Harold sends a message to Frank while stuck in his own dead body]

Frank Smith:
Wait! Harold just texted me!

Students:
[gasps]

Frank Smith:
"I know you're not gay now. Sorry to misread you. Btw, Spanish sucks! History's awesome"!

Crystal:
[begs] Steve, double or nothing on finals grades?

Steve Smith:
Snip-snip.

Dean:
Got to do it, Crystal!

Pony:
Thank you for saving my job and acting gay. That must have been super-hard.

Frank Smith:
No harder than you having to...pretend to be not gross and stupid.

Pony:
Good night to you, too, a**hole.

[Frank gets another message to Ghost Harold]

Frank Smith:
"Frank, please pull my plug. Not that plug, the life support. Ha, ha". [chuckles]

[Frank pulls the life support plug which mistakenly rips Harold's head off]

Frank Smith:
I hope you're good enough for Jesus. 'Cause I bet Worker Heaven sucks. [throws Harold's head into a basket ball hoop] DOOSH! No one here to see it!

Dean:
Steve, tenure is the highest promotion a professor can receive. You are now unfireable...and almost rich.

Pony:
[sighs] I wish I could get tenure and be almost rich.

Frank Smith:
Pony, tenure is only for the top profs, okay? It means you really don't have to work anymore, and god, I hope I'm next.

Professor Cakes:
There you go [slaps Steve with a rubber glove] Tenure.

Sammy:
[also slaps Steve with a rubber glove] Tenured!

Steve Smith:
Thank you. I've worked my whole life for this. I'm finally unfireable. I can do...anything. W-What do I do now?

Dean:
You'll learn to like your new life. See, I can't be fired from being the most awesome guy around either. I'm everyone's boss, got the best house, and best wife! And I'm content with it.

Dean:
Punks! Let me enjoy this.

Turkey Gobblers Manager:
You racked up 40 grand in granny dances. You got yourself a little problem.

Dean:
First off, f*** off. Spending that kind of money will get my wife asking questions. She can't know about my granny love.

[Dean suddenly gets chloroformed by one of the granny strippers without even noticing]

Pony:
When life gives you leverage, make leverage-aid.

[Pony takes Dean with him when the manager was about to cut Dean's liver]

Pony:
Man, why do you got to that place? You've got the hottest wife in town.

Dean:
To make my life interesting. Being turned isn't as easy as it looks. Man! You saved my life, Pony.

Pony:
No, Dean, I saved mine. Here's the deal. You make me a tenured professor, or I tell your wife.

Dean:
But she'll divorce me! People can't know I'm not perfect.

Pony:
Should have thought of that before you got hooked on wrinkle diddling.

Stacy:
And that's why we Vietnam'd y'all.

Steve Smith:
Unh. Who cares?

Stacy:
[scoffs] I'm giving you an "F" on RateMyTeach.net.

Steve Smith:
Do it. It doesn't matter.

[Baby Cakes, Frank and Sammy playing cards]

Baby Cakes:
Aw, Sammy, you better ante up.

Sammy:
W-Who are you, again?

Frank Smith:
OP! Mr. Tenture. [chuckles] Professor above the law. I bet you have taken some great naps.

Steve Smith:
Uh, kind of sucks. Being a rebel without consequences is like being a skinny in a world without fatties.

[Pony walks in with business clothes]

Pony:
[laughs] Yep, buttons.

Frank Smith:
Pony, why are you in Orpah clothes?

Dean:
Listen, up History Department. Pony here has been awarded an honorary tenured professorship.

Frank Smith:
What?!

Sammy:
She's a mere tadpole, leapfrogging regular professors.

Dean:
No discussion. It's done. She gets half your classes. Deal with it.

Baby Cakes:
Boy, I want to get teached by Pony, bad.

Frank Smith:
Did you -- What?! No, you don't! No one is getting teached by Pony badly.

[Frank becomes a student to ruin Pony's tenure]

Frank Smith:
Oh, here she is! Fake teacher. Right here. [laughs]

Pony:
Okay, class. "America's Westward Expansion". Let's jump right in.

Frank Smith:
Jump in piss, teach!

Students:
Shh!

Frank Smith:
Whatever.

Pony:
So, the Americans didn't need more land, but the natural resources were like...the gravy on potatoes.

Students:
Oh!

White Haired Student:
It's finally clear! If potatoes are covered in gravy, then I'll kill anyone to get 'em!

Pony:
And that is exactly what the early Americans did. We killed everybody.

Students:
[clapped]

Frank Smith:
Oh, my god. She's...Amadeus-ing.

[Steve come back to class while still having insomnia]

Steve Smith:
Goatee, Civil War. When'd it end?

Hanz:
Ooh, 1860--

[Steve slaps Hanz]

Steve Smith:
Hair Girl, Confederates. Name me one.

Hair Girl Student:
Robert E. --

Steve Smith:
[mockingly] "Robert E. Lee". I need three fat kids to lay down right here. It's broad-jump time. [takes off his robe]

Dean:
Steve, it's normal to feel aimless and numb once you've achieved all your goals. I, too, at times put my perfect life at risk just to smell the musk of old flesh.

Pony:
I am loving being a professor. I can afford food and nice clothes, and now I'm gonna be part of the secret club.

Dean:
Pony, you're f***ing killing me! The Faculty's already suspicious about your tenure. I should revoke it!

Pony:
[laughs] Come, come, Dean. Does the wife like the musk of old flesh, too?

Dean:
[groans] Damn!

[Steve and Pony gets taken into the Zodiac Zoociety]

Professor Cakes:
We got our top minds on this project long ago. Science, occult, psychology. yeah. We were all bored after tenure. Now with this elixir, we can feel [chuckles] alive again!

Dr. Falgot:
See we got a couple of new people here, so I'm going to reiterate the rules. Only do this once a month. Or else...it could have lasting effects.

Dean:
Oh! The only thing that can get tenured professors fired and killed is talking about what happens here.

[after the Zodiac Zoociety part]

Frank Smith:
So...where were you two last night? Hmm?

Steve Smith:
We were at the movies.

Frank Smith:
Oh, great! First, she robs me of my tenure, and now she's your f***ing girlfriend?!

Steve Smith:
No, see, it was a tenure orientation film.

Frank Smith:
Oh, h-how was that?

Pony:
Really wasn't for me.

Steve Smith:
What?! I cannot wait for next time.

Pony:
Oh, I can wait.

Steve Smith:
Pony, don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Pony:
No. Always look a gift horse in the mouth. Trojan Horse, anyone? Am I the only person who knows history?

Frank Smith:
[thinking] There is something going on here. And I am going to f*** it up.

Donny:
And that's why Lee Harvey Oswald was God in disguise.

Steve Smith:
Solid research.

[Pony sees Steve as a eagle again]

Steve Smith (as a Eagle):
Hey, Pony, I stole the elixir for us.

Pony:
No! You'll get us fired and killed! I like being almost rich!

Steve Smith (as a Eagle):
Well, f*** you!

[Steve leaves, while Frank secretly spies the whole scenery]

Frank Smith:
That's how she got tenure...an eagle friend.

[Pony teaching time]

Pony:
Which explains 9/11.

[Steve got knocked out from a video projector from Pony]

Pony:
I can't lose all I've gained over a zoomorphic, drug-addicted mentor.

Frank Smith:
Hey, why is this door shut?

[Pony kicks the door back breaking Frank's hand]

Frank Smith:
OW! YOU F***ING WITCH! I want to to meet that eagle friend, I'll have you know! What's up, Steve? Where's the eagle?

[Frank also gets knocked out with a video projector from Pony]

[Frank wakes up consciously]

Steve Smith:
She got you too, huh?

Frank Smith:
[conscious] Naw. it's nothin'. What the hell is going on around--

[then Steve knocks out Frank with the same video projector that Pony used]

[Steve breaks into the Teacher's Lounge bringing the elixir to the teachers]

Sammy:
Oh, look. Bird.

Dr. Falgot:
Why does that bird have our elixir?

Steve (as a Eagle):
I'm Steve. Listen. Tenure sucks. Being human blows. You're all cooler when you're animals, and you know it.

Dr. Falgot:
He's O.D 'D, and he's...glorious.

Steve (as a Eagle):
F*** yeah, I'm glorious.

Baby Cakes:
Hey, you got to come see this. There's a cheetah pushin' a hamster up in a lion.

[Baby Cakes see his Dad as a koala]

Baby Cakes:
Dad, I thought you kicked this koala sh*t.

[Pony wakes up after the elixir incident]

Dr. Falgot:
It's about damn time you came to. I was prepared to take your DVD player. [laughs]

Dean:
Steve, I'm revoking your tenure.

Steve Smith:
Yes! Getting everything you want makes you go crazy.

Dean:
Pony, your tenure's gone, too.

Pony:
Wait. What?

Dean:
My wife was eaten by a squid, so I don't need to hide my granny love.

Frank Smith:
Granny love? Hey, I've got to take you to Turkey Gobbler's.

Steve Smith:
Thanks for sacrificing your job to save me.

Pony:
F*** you! I didn't save you. The school was a zoo. I just tried to get it back to normal so I could save my job and my house.

Steve Smith:
Either way [chuckles] I owe you big, girl.

Baby Cakes:
Hey, everyone, am I still a moose?

Golden Bowl:
Good morning China, Illinois. 20 years ago, the historic schoolhouse was used in an anti-hippie science experiment, led by Professor Leonard Cakes to reverse the devolution that occurs in hippies. If left alone, a hippie will revert to chimpanzee behaviors. The project ended with disaster and Cakes' has promised that his hippies have safely burned away.

Golden Bowl:
Hmm. Did not know chimps did that. Wow.

Golden Bowl:
Dean, tell us your --

Dean:
[interrupt] Well, a**hole, I've been secretly renovating the old schoolhouse. That's where we'll hold this year's faculty only prom! And whomever I judge to be prom king and queen gets a Ferrari! So, professors, pick a hot date!

[Baby Cakes and Sammy sees the progress of the Faculty Prom]

Baby Cakes:
Dad told me never to come here.

Sammy:
Nonsense. I want that Ferrari.

Pony:
How did Frank get the hottest professor on campus as a prom date?

Frank Smith:
Hey, Donna is way more than just a very pretty face, okay?

Steve Smith:
You just wore her down is all.

Frank Smith:
[laughing] Oh. Listen to Steve and Pony lash out like ugly kids, just because they're the only ones without prom dates.

Steve Smith:
Whatever.

[Baby Cakes sees a beautiful hippie who has the same connection to her]

Baby Cakes:
Hey, I'm gonna call you Mattie, 'cause your hair's all matted up, like a cat's dook, alright?

Frank Smith:
[to Steve and Pony] Hey, wouldn't it be funny if you just went together.

Pony:
Pssh!

Steve Smith:
What?

Pony:
I mean, come on. You're just...you're not --

Steve Smith:
Not what? Not your usual little nerd boyfriend who's so hard up he makes you feel pretty?

Pony:
[chuckles] You are such a mean old a**hole.

Steve Smith:
Pony, you misunderstood me.

Pony:
No. We're doing this, you bald, sad loser. What? That doesn't make you feel pretty?

Dean:
Drunkenness. A four? Come on, you squares. Pheromone output. [sniffs Cravid's armpits] Nine! Lastly, watch-ability. Do a pose.

[Crystal gets behind from Cravid doing a humping pose]

Dean:
GROSS! NEXT!

Steve Smith:
Ugh! I can't believe I don't have a date. I got to steal someone's wife or show my penis.

Pony:
[drunk] You couldn't steal anyone's wife.

Steve Smith:
Look...

Pony:
[drunk] Now, I? I could take any of these mofos from any b*tch in here!

Steve Smith:
Well, then the first person who has a stolen date tonight gets --

Pony:
Respect. Real-deal respect.

Sammy:
I'm gonna get that Ferrari with my hot little hooker boy here, Chazzi.

Frank Smith:
Sammy, would you just shut f*** up about your car?!

Steve Smith:
[to Prom Woman] All's I'm saying, I've seen your date in the gym showers, and it is like, 80%, 90% hair, so --

Pony:
[to the Bartender] Can I get some ice? Oh, hey. What's up, Steve? Just getting some ice for those sores that you left on my anus. Thanks for that.

Frank Smith:
Donna! You made it! [talking to himself] Okay, everything seems safe and non-violent here. Hey!

Donna:
What happened to your back?

[points to Frank's ripped up shirt in the back from getting attacked by one of the vicious hippies]

Frank Smith:
What? This? This is just the way all the dudes dressing in Malone now. [chuckles nervously] It's super-guapo. Would you like a drink?

Donna:
You know I'm only doing this because you threatened to flunk my cousin.

Pony:
[to the Prom Man] [drunk] Man, I could listen to you talk about your economics researches, like, all damn day. It's a really sex field. [laughs]

Steve Smith:
Here you go, Pony. This ought to plug it up.

[Steve gives Pony a swirled towel]

Steve Smith:
[to the Prom Man] Time of the month, you know.

[Baby Cakes and Professor Cakes gets into a little argument with Baby Cakes' date with a vicious hippie]

Professor Cakes:
[to Mattie] You stay! Baby Cakes, let's go.

Baby Cakes:
But it's prom! We might bump-bump.

Professor Cakes:
Do not bump-bump her!

Baby Cakes:
But I really think I got a shot with this girl, Dad.

Professor Cakes:
You can't! You're just too different. It's over, okay?

Baby Cakes:
Come on, man.

Professor Cakes:
OKAY?

Baby Cakes:
F***ing Dad.

[Pony does a flip to date with Dr. Falgot]

Pony:
See? I'm a real physical girl. What do you say?

Dr. Falgot:
That won't be happening.

[as Baby Cakes and Mattie were about to kiss]

Dr. Falgot:
Alright, that's enough of that. Big-ass problem. We got devolved hippies biting off peoples' private parts!

[Pony sees Steve is dead in one of the bathroom stalls but he isn't]

Pony:
[cries] No! Buddy, I know you think that I'm pretty or average. Just be alive so we can make up.

[Baby Cakes gets tackled by a bunch of vicious hippies]

Baby Cakes:
Father, why hath thou forsaken me?

Dean:
What the f*** is this sh*t, Cakes?

Professor Cakes:
They're just protecting this old place. This is their habitat. You see, back when I was working on the anti-hippie experiment, I fell in love with Haystack here. Her devolved mind was so pure, it was so primal. I saved her from the fire. Over the years, I kept up our affair, bringing food, water, drugs, glow sticks.

Professor Cakes:
The truth is, all these hippies are my progeny. They're my...o-other children.

Baby Cakes:
Wait. What? So Mattie is...

Professor Cakes:
Your sister, son.

Baby Cakes:
Aw, man.

Professor Cakes:
That's why I didn't want you together. Believe me, I understand the inertia of star-crossed love. But f***ing your sister's just gross.

Dean:
We have this year's prom king and queen -- Cakes and the sick-ass Haystack!

[Professor Cakes and Haystack smother each other]

Dr. Falgot:
That is beautiful and nasty as hell.

Professor Cakes:
[to his wife] Go. Start fresh in some woods...or a garbage dump. You deserve it. Goodbye, secret family.

Golden Bowl:
F's for Christmas. Today at U.C.I, every student earned an irrevocable "F" on their standardized finals.

Dean:
You know, as Dean of the school, I got to admit -- F's for Christmas is f***ing hilarious!

Pony:
You know, it does kind of suck that we students failed all our classes. I mean, listen to them down there.

Baby Cakes:
No, they sound happy.

[cuts to the next scene with the rioting students with flame torches, and signs]

Rioting Student:
WE'RE NOT HAPPY!

Dean:
Secret Santa Time. Secret f***ing Santa Time! Get your gifts out!

Dr. Falgot:
Oh! A pocket psychologist! Ooh, let's find my problem.

Sammy:
A christmas mirror. I'll never get enough of this face.

Crystal:
Oh, look. Frank's secret santa didn't get him a thing! Fourth year in a row.

Frank Smith:
[triggered] Patience!

Delivery Guy:
Special delivery for Frank Smith.

Frank Smith:
Look, everyone! What could this be? Is it -- [opens the box] Oh my god, it's a Shetland Pony! [laughs] Which one of you loves me enough to do this?

Baby Cakes:
Hey, this says Frank bought this for Frank.

Frank Smith:
WHAT?! GIVE ME THAT!

Dean:
I've had enough of these...students. [to Baby Cakes] Bow down. You are now the Student-Body President.

Baby Cakes:
[happily] Oh, man!

Dean:
Now go down there and tell those d*cks to chill out!

Baby Cakes:
[disappointed] Oh, man.

[Baby Cakes tries to chill out the students from their failed grades]

Baby Cakes:
I don't understand your problems.

Mayor:
Look out! You in charge? You in charge? [grabs Baby Cakes] Mayor wants to know who in charge around here! Amen!

Dean:
Get off of my monster!

Steve Smith:
We kicked your ass off campus before, and we'll do it again, jerk.

Mayor:
Oh, no! This time, Mayor has backing...from the Governor!

Dean:
Oh, god! The Gov! He's the strongest man in the state!

Mayor:
Yeah, he big! He, uh...bigger than both of us. We in business together.

Dean:
You lying piece of vomited sperm!

Mayor:
MAYOR VOMITS NO LIES! Gov says this faculty has until New Year's Eve to reteach the entire semester, or this campus get turned into an airport!

Frank Smith:
But that's just one week!

Mayor:
Well, that's just tough titty! Kids will retake the test. Kids pass, y'all keep y'all's jobs. Kids failed, school is closed! Students, you want this chance to fix your final grades?

Rioting Student #1:
Sounds good.

Rioting Student #2:
I like that.

Rioting Student #3:
That's fair.

Mayor:
Cool. Dean? Amen?

Dean:
[exhales sharply] Fine, but I'm f***ing your wife.

[Steve and Frank feeling bored while riding on wheelchairs]

Steve Smith:
I never knew how much I hated teaching.

Baby Cakes:
Hey, Pony's computer knows everything. Why not have *it* teach for you?

Frank Smith:
Why don't you just gained another chromosome?

Pony:
Guys, grow up and just teach!

[Sammy wakes up from Pony's yelling]

Sammy:
Child, you are a turd. Are you just the worst idiot they could find?

Steve Smith:
No, we just need to work hard.

Pony:
Yes.

Steve Smith:
On an idea of how not to work hard.

Pony:
No.

[Baby Cakes accidentally drops Pony's computer]

Baby Cakes:
Oh, man, I suck.

Professor Cakes:
We are replicating every teacher on campus. Hey, great plan, Steve. I mean f*** teaching.

Frank Smith:
So, tomorrow they just take over for us?

Professor Cakes:
Nope, TONIGHT! They'll teach like crazy, then self-destruct when the ball drops at midnight! It is so tidy!

[Steve sees the teachers hanging out with replicate teachers of themselves]

Steve Smith:
Cakes, why aren't these robots teaching?

Professor Cakes:
I don't know! But I had no idea I was this...

Robot Professor Cakes:
Fascinating.

Steve Smith:
If these robots don't teach for us, we are going to lose our jobs, people!

Sammy:
Well, I don't care what I lose.

[Frank and his replica runs in riding a horse]

Frank Smith:
Hello, everybody!

Steve Smith:
Oh, sh*t. Okay, who else is f***ing their robot?

[the teachers raised their hands up except for Steve]

Steve Smith:
I know, the students are starting to leave, but --

Dean:
F*** that. I want a robot self. The Governor's gonna be here for New Year's, and I need to impress him!

Steve Smith:
Ugh! Dean, we only have three days to save our school.

Dean:
I bet he's so big. And strong. And big. Steve, you're slipping.

Steve Smith:
Pony, you --

Pony:
Leave me alone, Steve! I have to study. Besides, I just had a weird little minute with your other self.

Robot Steve:
She's into me.

[Frank sees none of his electronics are working]

Frank:
What is going on? What?

Robot Frank:
Finally, you're home! I just washed off my suckables. Num num num num num num.

Frank:
[disgust] Cool. Hey, was there a power outage?

Robot Frank:
I shut off all distractions. Now we can pay strict attention to one another.

Frank:
[laughs nervously] Yes, that's a great idea, but you know what? First, I'll go get some pony food, and then we can hole up in here for a huge suck-a-suck, alright?

[Frank slowly leaves the house then runs immediately]

Robot Frank:
Baby, I did something special for us. Here! [gives Frank a present] Merry Late Christmas.

Frank Smith:
[laughs nervously] Okay. Wonder what this could be.

[Frank opens up the present that turns out to be a hat covered in the animal pony's body and skin]

Robot Frank:
It's a hat made out of that distracting pony!

Steve Smith:
Please listen. I'm sorry for being a bad teacher.

Hanz:
Hey, that teacher is apologizing.

[Steve sees one of the teachers hiding in the bushes from their robots]

Steve Smith:
What the f***?

Crystal:
You were right. I'm over myself. She's gotten so possessive. Ugh!

Professor Cakes:
We can't take the self-awareness.

Crystal:
The self-analysis.

Dr. Falgot:
The constant masturbation!

Mayor:
GIVE IT UP FOR GOVERNOR!

[as the Governor's appearance was so short-midged and goblin-looking, every student and teacher's reaction was angered and disgusted]

Mayor:
NO, NO, NO, NO! THIS IS THE TOP MAN! SHOW RESPECT! COME ON, NOW!

Dean:
[thinking] What the f*** is that? I risk my school to impress this thing? I hate this little killable guy.

Governor:
[to the student] Meh! Enjoy your hot dogs while you can, because as soon as your crappy kids fail, the Mayor and I are turning this campus into an airport. Meh!

Robot Frank:
Not until we turn it...into a graveyard!

Baby Cakes:
Hey, the ball's dropping.

Crystal:
10...

Dr. Falgot:
9...

Professor Cakes:
8...

Sammy:
7...

Baby Cakes:
Green...

Green Shirt Teacher:
5...

Dean:
4...

Governor:
Meh!

Robot Steve:
2...

[as the ball drop was about to drop to 1, Real Frank, and Robot Frank stops it]

All:
[groaning]

Frank Smith:
I can't let my other self die!

Steve Smith:
Listen, the robot you sucks way more than you do. We all think so, right?

All:
Way more!

Frank Smith:
Really? You guys like me?

[Steve and Frank let go of the ball drop crushing Robot Frank]

Sammy:
[surprised] Ooh, we didn't die.

Baby Cakes:
Dean, I hate these robots.

Dean:
You're right, monster. I'll fix it.

[cuts to the next scene where in the next day that every robot replica of their teachers got hanged after the New Year's Eve was over]

[Steve and Professor Cakes does freestyle wrestling]

Dr. Falgot:
Nice strategy, Steve. Very nice. NOW, ACT ON THAT! Don't think so much!

[Professor Cakes win]

Dr. Falgot:
[to Steve] Ohh! You thunk. I saw you think, and you thunk.

Sammy:
My goodness, Coach Falgot, our team looks as sharp as a Christmas knife.

Dr. Falgot:
If they're so good, why haven't we won a single match?

[shows Sammy the scoreboard where the other team had 206 points while the home team of China, Illinois got none]

Steve Smith:
[to Frank] Let me show you a move. This one's called the Jacques Strap. See, I take and undefended posture and hold it. You crouch to mount. Crouch to mount, dude.

[Frank crouch on Steve]

Steve Smith:
Okay. But at the last minute, I get you in a headlock with my crotch. Pin for the win.

[Steve literally wrestles Frank while teaching him the Jacques Strap]

Frank Smith:
This is too hard. I need beer.

Steve Smith:
Now, I know I've never won, Pony, but the next match, I'm gonna start my path to glory.

Pony:
Steve, for you, glory just equals f***ing the panda cheerleaders.

Frank Smith:
Hey, you're gonna love this. I've got a super-cute student, and I just can't crack her. Any ideas?

Steve Smith:
Oh, what's her name? [pulls out a little notebook]

Frank Smith:
Jen...something.

Steve Smith:
Okay, so what is she like? Give me here stats.

Frank Smith:
Mm, she doesn't talk much, you know? She's a brooder.

Steve Smith:
Uh-uh.

Frank Smith:
Kind of sleepy and drowsy. Oh, so cute.

Steve Smith:
Uh-huh. So probably napping in the library. Well, I got to go grade some papers, so I'll see you guys later.

Pony:
Frank, find the thing that you're good at, and then do it in front of her, man.

Frank Smith:
Genius! I'll wrestle for her.

Pony:
That's not...no. Because that's something that you're bad at.

Frank Smith:
[to the students] Okay, everybody, just go up there and watch your teacher kick some ass today, okay? Jen, you sit right here -- Front row. [happily] I don't know. Magic may happen.

[Frank wrestles a big guy to attract Jen]

Frank Smith:
Hey, big'un. You know what this is? It's $1,000. It's yours if you let me beat you out there, okay?

Big Guy:
[sarcastic] Sure. Will do.

Jen:
Go, Steve! Love ya, babe!

Pony:
Hey. Wait. Did you f*** Frank's student crush?

Steve Smith:
Yeah. [chuckles] It's just fun to steal girls from him.

Pony:
Steve, that's a horrible thing to do! What would you do if Frank did something like that to you?

Steve Smith:
Frank is not allowed to screw a girl that I like. He can't even screw my exes. And besides, that one is a drug addict. I'm ending it.

[Dean training for the Faculty Wrestling Championship]

Dr. Falgot:
Dean, what aren't you gonna do?

Dean:
I'm not gonna rip a leg off.

[the first wrestling match starts]

Baby Cakes:
The Dean seems focused, and he's...

[Dean breaks the opponent's leg and rips it off]

Baby Cakes:
...yes, he's disqualified.

[Frank and Steve get conjoined after getting slammed down from the wrestling match]

Steve Smith:
W-W-Whoa. What is this? What f*** is this?

Frank Smith:
Get out of my sleeping bag. [realizes] WHAT?!

Steve Smith:
What did you do to us? FALGOT!

Baby Cakes:
Ladies and gentlemen, it's FrankenSteve!

[as the big nurse tries to grab them]

Steve Smith:
[to Frank] Now dip. Grab a leg. All of our weight to starbboard.

[Steve and Frank manages to beat the big nurse guy while being conjoined]

Dr. Falgot:
They're alive!

[while Frank and Steve are still being conjoined]

Steve Smith:
I'm never gonna get those cheerleaders now. Not like this.

Frank Smith:
Hey, forget those kittens. This is gonna be like a-a permanent sleepover, and my place is really crappy.

Steve Smith:
Just...shut up.

[while Steve was about to sleep, Frank does some wild stuff in the bed while being conjoined]

Steve Smith:
[groans] Can't you wait till I'm asleep to do that?

Frank Smith:
Oh yeah, how did you know? Are we gonna start sharing feelings and thoughts?

Steve Smith:
[sighs] Just point it off the bed.

Frank Smith:
So, I had to stop using my loofah because it was chafing my gorge.

Steve Smith:
Oh, my god. You're gross. No wonder Jen picked me over you.

Frank Smith:
WHAT?! She was MY student, man! I had dibs! A**hole!

[since Steve accidentally told Frank that he steals Frank's date, Frank gets Steve with a payback while being conjoined]

Steve Smith:
Jen, it's not you, it's us.

Frank Smith:
Jen, it's obvious, Steve loves you. He may try to break up with you here, but that's just him wanting to save you from --

[Jen suddenly huffs paint]

Jen:
[stifled] Don't worry, Steve. Only two things matter to me. [exhales] Loyalty and huffing paint.

Frank Smith:
Wow. I had no idea you were...so loyal.

Jen:
Wow, right?

Steve Smith:
[puts Jen's bag down] Jen, not here.

Frank Smith:
Don't listen to him. It's all an act. He's such a little protector.

Jen:
You know, Frank, I never knew you were cool. I always thought you were like... [huffs paint again] ...a perv, you know?

Frank Smith:
[selfly-awares, but not in public] Yeah, I get that sometimes.

Jen:
Yeah. I'm with you, Steve, all the way. [holds the bag] You want some?

Steve Smith:
F*** no.

Frank Smith:
Later, because I did a garbage bag of lacquer before we got here, so...

[Steve and Frank does a presentation about Prince Harry while being conjoined]

Frank Smith:
See, class, Prince Harry wanted Kate first, but William took here as an ass trophy just to mess with his young brother, Harry. [referring to Steve]

Steve Smith:
No, that's not right. William is heir apparent, so he technically can have any girl in the kingdom. [referring to Frank]

Frank Smith:
Hilariously, though, turns out Kate is a monogamous drug addict, and William is stuck with her. [referring to Steve]

Steve Smith:
Get out of my face.

Frank Smith:
Jen, tell Steve our little secret.

Jen:
[to Steve] I moved into your apartment! First thing we got to is paint...that...place.

Steve Smith:
Oh, Jen. Okay, look, I'm just not that into you, alright?

Jen:
Steve, sometimes I get the feeling that you're just not that into me.

Frank Smith:
Hey, Jen, maybe one of these nights, just you and I can go catch a romantic movie and throw a blanket over Mr. Moodypants here. What do you say?

Jen:
Yeah. [to Steve] Frank here knows what a woman really wants.

Steve Smith:
Hold on. She's my girl.

[Steve and Jen kiss]

Frank Smith:
There it is. Put that tongue in there, Steve.

Steve Smith:
ENOUGH!

[Frank and Steve's conjoined body tears a bit of skin left after Steve pushing Jen and Frank out of the way]

Steve Smith:
Now we got to see Falgot.

Baby Cakes:
Well, it's "Do or Die" here at the Panda Den, where we're gonna -- [sees two conjoined big wrestler] Holy sh*t!

Coach Branson:
This what I call "Your [bleep] is old, and I can do it better"!

[after Steve coached Frank to win the Faculty Wrestling Championship while their finally unconjoined]

Steve Smith:
I won you back with all that, didn't I?

Jen:
Of course.

Steve Smith:
Then we're over. I've wanted to break up with you since the moment I met you. Goodbye.

Jen:
Frank, let's go.

Frank Smith:
[laughing] Oh, sorry. I'm done messing with Steve. I'll just see you in class, weirdo.

Sammy:
Why can't I represent the history department at Oktoberfest?

Frank Smith:
Oh, I wish I could, too, but Steve is considerably cooler than us.

Sammy:
Rubbish. All he does is snip them plants into cones now.

Steve Smith:
[chuckling] Sammy, I have had a few books published.

Baby Cakes:
And I have f***ed a few dragons.

Sammy:
I hear dragons screw really well, actually.

Baby Cakes:
Well, you heard right, lady.

Sammy:
But a dragon got nothing on some of the professional ass around here. [slaps Frank's butt]

Frank Smith:
HEY! I said no, you pile.

[Pony walks in miserably]

Frank Smith:
Oh, our T.A. finally shows up, hung over and ugly.

Steve Smith:
[chuckling] Oh, you went to that party, right?

Pony:
[scoffs] I don't want to talk about it.

Frank Smith:
I bet she got really drunk and just ruined some boy's night.

Pony:
Look, I didn't do anything wrong if that's what you're implying.

Frank Smith:
Whoa! I was just messing with you.

Baby Cakes:
Hey, Pony, hold your arm out and I'll block it.

Pony:
Uh. no. No, Baby Cakes, stop.

Baby Cakes:
What? It's the warrior's code. You got to do it if another warrior ask you to.

Pony:
Okay, Baby Cakes, I am not a warrior. Neither are you. This is the real world. Grow up.

[Baby Cakes sees Pony and his friends in goblin vision]

Baby Cakes:
[chuckles] I can slay you.

Pony:
Look, I'm sorry, but why don't you just go find some other friends and make them fake attack you?

Baby Cakes:
My only other friend is a villain.

Frank Smith:
You should just get on Facebook.

Steve Smith:
No, he shouldn't. Ever since I gave up Facebook, my life has been awesome.

Frank Smith:
[chuckling] Oh, I love it. I make all my students friend me at the beginning of every semester, and then I just hide all the guys.

Sammy:
Oh, I hide everyone. Why does every human have a band?

Frank Smith:
On Facebook, I can take long, deep looks at people [sighs] and it's okay.

Steve Smith:
[chuckles] Facebook just dig up sh*t in your past that your past that you'd rather not chat with.

Pony:
No, no. I think it would help him branch out. What do you say?

[Baby Cakes still sees his friends in goblin vision]

Baby Cakes:
[chuckles] I can slay you.

[Baby Cakes tries Facebook]

Professor Cakes:
So, friend everyone you know. Then, find old friends, even old enemies, so you can bury the hatchet.

Baby Cakes:
Hey, did you find Mom on Facebook and bury a hatchet in her?

Professor Cakes:
[laughs] Ah, you sweet boy. No. GOD, No!

[Baby Cakes enjoys the experience of Facebook]

Baby Cakes:
Oh, cool. It's good to see you! [chuckles] I know you. [laughs] I've got friends.

[suddenly his evil friend shows up on his account]

Baby Cakes:
The Dream Reamer, my ex-imaginary friend!

Professor Cakes:
[inside Baby Cakes' thought bubble] Find old enemies. Bury the hatchet.

Baby Cakes:
F***ing Dad.

[as Baby Cakes was about to finish his song in his dream, the Dream Reamer summons him]

Baby Cakes:
Dream Reamer, show yourself! Why did you summon me?

Dream Reamer:
[laughs] Hello, you dick. Long time no see. [while making weird zany poses]

Baby Cakes:
Look, I know I hurt you when I dumped you, but my Dad said I need real friends, man.

Dream Reamer:
Real friends are for clerks and idiots.

Baby Cakes:
Reamer, I want to bury hatchet.

Dream Reamer:
F*** YOU!

[as Baby Cakes was about eat his pumpkin at a Pumpkin Contest, Dream Reamer screws him up]

Dream Reamer:
What up, Babe of Cakes? Want to get nuts?

Baby Cakes:
No.

Dream Reamer:
Are those your friends? They look f***ing stupid.

Baby Cakes:
UNH-UNH! THEY LOOK COOL!

[Baby Cakes tackles Dream Reamer which originally turns out to be a hallucination where Baby Cakes is hitting himself]

Baby Cakes:
F***ING REAMER! TAKE THAT! [woozy] Oh sh*t.

Officer:
Charlie 16, call the Insanity Department. The Cakes kid is going ape crap again.

[as Pony starts to go crazy when Dream Reamer posted a video where Pony gets drunk after accidentally letting someone fall off a cliff]

Pony:
[talking to herself] You should have told someone.

Pony:
I know, but I was so drunk I thought Imagined it.

Pony:
Well, you didn't.

Pony:
Okay, if they suspected me, they would have come a-knockin', right?

[Baby Cakes and Professor Cakes went to the Insanity Department]

Professor Cakes:
He keep talking about some imaginary...friend from his past. I-I don't know.

Sexy Doctor:
Then we should encourage him to confront that past. You can be honest with us, Baby Cakes.

Baby Cakes:
Well, then, you smell tough. And that girl's a ghoulie. [to Dr. Falgot] And that guy I'm pretty sure is a river gremlin.

Sexy Doctor:
That's not really what I meant.

Baby Cakes:
I'm horny now! [to his Dad] You're fatter than you think, [to Sexy Doctor] and you could be sexy.

Sexy Doctor:
We need to keep him here. He's clearly insane, because I am sexy.

Frank Smith:
Hey, you know my ex-girlfriend that took naked pictures of me? Well, it turns out she's the DAMN Dream Reamer's Facebook friend.

Steve Smith:
So?

Frank Smith:
So, she said that the Dream Reamer bought my dick pics! Which are totally awesome.

[Dream Reamer suddenly ruins every other teacher's lives on Facebook]

Sammy:
My ballet coach wants me to dance? [cries]

Dean:
[getting arrested] But I thought what happened in Nam stayed in Nam. F*** you, Facebook.

Baby Cakes:
In the dream world, we will become who we wish we were. But we got to sleep on the floor with our heads teaching.

Sammy:
No, sir. I do not sleep on floo--

[Frank tilts Sammy's wheelchair to lay down on the floor]

[Baby Cakes and Dream Reamer have a rap battle]

Baby Cakes:
[rapping] The warrior is back, in the undies and boots, he's gonna stomp and gonna romp and give the Reamer the blues.

Dream Reamer:
[rapping] Not so fast, you freaking fatty with your gleaming naked tatties. I can take apart your stupid mind with more assault and battery.

Baby Cakes:
[rapping] Well -- You -- Look like dookie. You got dookie for a head, you freaking dookie, dookie, dookie.

Dream Reamer:
[rapping] You're a stupid drunken doo-doo with a poo-poo for brains. You like to take a piece of doo-doo for a walk in the rain.

Baby Cakes:
[rapping] I do beseech the freaking Reamer with the Warrior Code. Hold out your arm for me to harm, you got to do it, you know.

Dream Reamer:
NO! IT'S THE WARRIOR'S CODE! I MUST COMPLY.

Pony:
Frank, your pictures must have been in the Reamer's pockets. And...you must have dyed your pubic hair pink.

Frank Smith:
IT WAS VALENTINE'S DAY!

Sammy:
Yes, check out Frankie's panky!

Frank Smith:
No, no! Why did he print them out? Who does that?

Baby Cakes:
I don't know the meaning of what happened. Ever. Some people say they know stuff. A lot of people figure things out. But me, I'm not a lot of people. I'm Baby Cakes.

Frank Smith:
So, the measurement "foot" used to refer to the length of a king's foot, whereas "inch" was the length of a king's finger.

Pony:
[tired] Oh, my god. How are you a teacher?

Frank Smith:
People once said, "Get your inch out of my cake batter" or "She's still a virgin. She was only inched".

Baby Cakes:
Like the Dutch boy who saved the town by putting his inch in the crack of a dike.

Pony:
I thought the Dean's list was a good thing to be on.

Steve Smith:
No, it is horrible. It's like this giant scavenger hunt and four teams to compete and if you decline, he fires your ass, so...

Pony:
And...why do us students do it?

Sammy:
If you decline, we'll fail your ass. I'm done, Tim. [after hiring a male stripper to be attracted to]

Sammy:
In previous years, students have set on fire. One year, The Dean drugged everybody.

Pony:
Come on. I mean, I buy that you were drugged at one time, or...always.

Frank Smith:
I tried to get us out of it, but no one wants to take our place. [whimpers]

Pony:
Frank, this can't be bad enough for you to play your p*ssy card right at the beginning.

Frank Smith:
Hey! I am not scared, okay? I am a grisly killer. I just need the right event to bring it out, okay?

Pony:
Well, I'll man up. Sounds fun. What about you, Franky boy? You in?

Frank Smith:
Hey, little chicken. I was made for it, like a butt for a dick. Wait a minute.

Dean:
Welcome to the gutty gates of hell. In the past, this challenge has hurt people. It hurt their legs off. It hurt their eyes into dust. But this year, I've selected you for my Dean's List because I want you to find the killer instinct within.

Frank Smith:
Yeah, some of us already know they got that going on.

Pony:
It's just a game, fraidycat.

Dean:
[grabs Frank] NOTHING IN LIFE IS JUST A GAME!

Dean:
Ahh, China, Illinois Elite. Welcome to my crying game.

Mayor:
AMEN!

Special Agent Green:
Dean, in the past, you've poisoned the players and their loved ones. How do you top yourself?

Burka Lady:
Yes, last year, you had dogs chasing the idiots. It feels, well, maybe you have, uh, peaked.

Mayor:
This game here is just a dinky scavenger hunt. Where the blood?

Dean:
Friends, this year, I will give you...an action movie.

Baby Cakes:
Oh, cool. Movies are better than people. You don't have to smell who you're watching.

Dean:
Yes, this year, they will kill!

Mayor:
They won't kill. It's not like they're fighting for Barbados.

[Dean shows several maps to Barbados]

All:
Ooh. Barbados. Nice.

Baby Cakes:
What's a Barbados?

[One of the China, Illinois Elite sees Steve and Professor Cakes fight each other]

Baby Cakes:
Man, they're fighting like dead animals.

Burka Lady:
I'd watch the dogs again, really.

[Frank holding Pony's torso]

Pony:
Stop digging your inches into me!

[while the China, Illinois Elite are still watching the scavenger hunt game]

Special Agent Green:
10 to 1 on the red team.

Burka Lady:
I take that bet.

Baby Cakes:
Man, that actor playing Dad went nuts.

Crystal:
Mm...giving up so soon, Steven? [laughs]

Steve:
Giving up is for sluts.

[one of teachers and students team up with the yellow team]

Mayor:
Well, this ain't no game if the teams team up!

Dean:
Shut up, Mayor. Steve is gonna fight.

Mayor:
DEAN, WHERE THE DIP AT?!

[Frank starts to wakes up go instant kill mode on the Green Team]

Baby Cakes:
WHOA! His inch, it's lethal!

Special Agent Green:
[on phone] Hello, Blackwater. Yeah, delivery. I'm gonna need a battalion. Yes, you see, I can't miss. No, no, wait. I got to pay with a card.

[Steve and the gang starts to ambush Dean's hiding place where the China, Illinois Elite lives]

Baby Cakes:
Oh, sh*t. This movie just busted the fourth dimension.

[after Dean got back from vacation and so all the other teachers did from winning the game]

Dean:
I've been in the clouds, smoking bamboo, soul-searching --

Frank Smith:
Shh. Rest, sweet prince. What do you need? Name it.

Dean:
Give me back my belt, ya f***ing loser.

All:
[laughing especially Dean]

Frank Smith:
WHAT?! I GIVE AN INCH, AND YOU TAKE A MILE!

Dean:
SUMMER IS DEAD!

Pemsy:
I mean, sure, it's the worst college in America, but, uh, I got a full scholarship, so...

Flip Flop:
Yo, I heard The Dean's a big old murderer.

Random UCI Student:
I heard the teachers are criminals.

Flip Flop:
I heard God is, like, really mad at this place.

Gwen:
I got Steve Smith for my history class.

Kim:
Ah, he's a great teacher and hot, too like a dad, but with, like, a dash of uncle in the mix.

Wendeloquence:
Well, I got his brother Frank. Is he any good?

Kim:
No, Frank's a terrible teacher. No dad, pure uncle.

Dean:
Get your asses in here. It's time to LEARN!

[Matt Attack sees Sammy for the first time]

Matt Attack:
That little lady look like a california raisin. She's ancient.

Flip Flop:
Oh, this comin' from the guy who got that old senior's number today.

Matt Attack:
Wait, Pony's old? [checks his phone]

Sammy:
Boys, close your cunnilinguses.

Steve Smith:
And that's why I kayak. I mean, it's not for everyone, but, I mean, what is, really?

Pemsy:
I -- This is supposed to be a course on Nafta, so I don't see why we're drinking.

Steve Smith:
Let me ask -- What do they call things like you back home?

Pemsy:
Pemsy.

Steve Smith:
Okay, I get it now. You've got that name, you got that face, so you got to play it serious and get good grades. But, Pemsy, baby, it's not worth it if everyone thinks you suck, and they clearly do, so chew on that.

Frank Smith:
So, the Market Revolution changed America and the world -- Your world...irrevocably. So, what did you think? I mean, that's the end. That's all I got.

Wendeloquence:
[vomits]

[the next day]

Frank Smith:
Dudes, so far, my kids are loving me. I'm killing them...oh, so softly.

Baby Cakes:
What's up, guys? How's all y'all's first day?

Steve Smith:
Baby Cakes, you weren't in my class. You know you're enrolled, like, for the 12th time.

Baby Cakes:
Who cares?

[Baby Cakes makes a presentation for a new snack bars]

Baby Cakes:
"Have you ever found yourself in need of a snack between snacks? Or when you go to purchase an energy bar, every [bleep] one is the sugar flavor? BEHOLD. Meaty Saucy Energy Bary-S. I got Barb-B-Quetion, Chinese Chik-A-Chik, and Captain Ketchup.

Pony:
Those are...don't make sense.

Baby Cakes:
Exactly. You know the Perk-A-Boo! Energy bar machines on campus? Well, I'm gonna go to their offices right the f*** now. [leaves]

Steve Smith:
Oh, man, that kid is really just gonna stab us in our beds one night. You can see that, right?

Sammy:
Hold it! I need -- [can't stop her wheelchair] Oh, lord, not another 9/11! [bumps into an desk] Oh, sh*t.

Pony:
Oh, yeah, I've done this happy hour for, like, ever with Frank and B.C. and Steve. [chuckles]

Matt Attack:
Those bald dudes? Yeah, that guy Flip Flop said you was old and stuff. Maybe were an old soul or something.

[Pony then puts her hair on Matt's hand]

Matt Attack:
Alright, you got your bristles on me, you tickling me. That's nice.

Sammy:
Just make my printer do, then you gotta reload my sleeve with tissues.

Pony:
Hey, I take sweeteners from restaurants, too. I do it because I'm poor, and you do it because... [sees Sammy putting sweetener onto her armpits] Oh, because you're super gross.

Sammy:
Oh, we got lots in common, I hasten to bet.

Crystal:
Yes, I am a Spanish teacher, but I'm also helping the History Department get their sh*t together.

Steve Smith:
Man, I wish I had met your Mom. She sounds so great.

Gwen:
She is awesome -- Really creative. My Dad, though -- Ugh.

Steve Smith:
Hey...he'd be proud to know that his little girl is being understood on a deep level by a man somewhere near his age.

Pony:
Well, listen, I know this great place for lunch saki and it's just over -- OW! MY BACK! SH*T!

Flip Flop:
[walks by to Matt] Oh, man, told you.

Spider:
Jetta, where is the f***ing merlot?

Jetta:
Spider, you'll get your merlot when you stop asking with your a**hole.

Pony:
Hey, Steve, do you think that young guys want me still?

Steve Smith:
[chuckles] No, they want you wiggling.

Pony:
So what about you? Did you get consent to f*** that student I saw you with?

Steve Smith:
Ah, it's a slow boil.

Baby Cakes:
Jetta, I need my depression potion.

Jetta:
Already on it.

[Baby Cakes' new candy bars got failed from the Perk-A-Boo company]

Steve Smith:
So how'd your pitch go?

Baby Cakes:
Those jerks. They maced me at the front gate! Anyway, I'm still making them. This idea's f***ing gold.

Steve Smith:
[to the waitress] I'm so glad you're here, because you and me, male waitress kind of make the food taste bad.

Frank Smith:
HEY!

Frank Smith:
So...next I get real sick real quick and I -- I just threw up right there.

Steve Smith:
So then what? You left?

Frank Smith:
No, I had two more margs.

Steve Smith:
Well, have fun repeating that sh*t.

Frank Smith:
Exactly. [vomits]

Steve Smith:
Ew! Get it all out.

Kim:
Ah, Professor Smith, you did this last night. What's wrong with you, man? You're mental!

Frank Smith:
Another round.

Frank Smith:
Okay, so when I left [groans] I had to take an emergency crap by my car. Right there. So I looked up and I saw a girl getting into her car and she me [bleep] Oh, I'll never be able to crap in front of her again! Oh! Oh! The margs want out!

Steve Smith:
[chuckles] Keep it in. Keep it in. let me think, uh...okay, what was she wearing?

Frank Smith:
[groans] I don't know, man. She was wearing, like, a red polo and khakis. [farts] Hey, aaaah!

Steve Smith:
Bullseye. [chuckles]

[Steve literally points to a store that says Bullseye]

Frank Smith:
Next I saw, "Trap Willy," the "Free Willy" prequel.

[Steve looks at him in a "are you serious" kind of way]

Frank Smith:
What?! The post featured Sandra Bullock in a wet suit! Thought she was gonna be sexy in the movie.

Steve Smith:
You know what, I can see that logic.

Sandra Bullock:
There's that stupid whale. Can't wait to trap his ass.

Flip Flop:
'Sup, dawg? I need a snackdown.

Baby Cakes:
Well, snack down on your future.

[Flip Flop tries one of Baby Cakes' new candy bars]

Flip Flop:
Ketchup? [bites] Oh, word, this is tight!

Baby Cakes:
You f***ing know it is.

Steve Smith:
Ah, I missed a call from Gwen. Frank, I don't care about this.

Frank Smith:
Oh, you'll care when you hear that I got mugged right here. yeah, I got my face slapped and my money taken.

Steve Smith:
Well, little dog, I don't see any muggers, so...

[Steve slaps Frank to get another dollar from him, and tries to do the same thing again]

Frank Smith:
Don't! You'll throw it all off.

Frank Smith:
So I had a pocket knife out -- I was scared from the slapping, you know? And then I felt this hand on my shoulder, and I stabbed first and questioned later. And it turned out it was my neighbor.

Steve Smith:
Oh, the girl with the shorts.

Frank Smith:
[scoffs] No! You pervert! Bobby! He had my FedEx package that he didn't want stolen. He's so sweet.

[Frank then knocks on Bobby's door]

Bobby:
[opens door] Now, Frank, before you go saying anything, I should have never snuck up on you.

[Frank quickly stabs Bobby, then runs away]

Frank Smith:
So anyway, I had Bullock on the brain, so I started jacking off, right? But the night. I kept thinking about the night and it threw me off, so I, like, jacked off for five hours, so I never climaxed. I heard the cock crow, and I just rushed to school.

Kim:
Wendeloquence, how's everything going?

Wendeloquence:
Man, this school f***ing sucks.

Kim:
Professor Smith, we need you to go.

Frank Smith:
J-J-J-Just one more.

Kim:
You can't sit around barfing blossoms all night! This is a business estab!

Frank Smith:
Fine! By the way, you're fat.

[as Frank was about to dump another load at Bullseye]

Frank Smith:
Hey, hey, where's the girl I [bleep] in front of?

Flip Flop:
Oh, damn, dude, her shift just ended, bro. Sucks.

[cuts to the next scene where as the same employee girl was driving her way home, she then got crashed by Frank, just to fart in front of her]

Frank Smith:
I'm so sorry.

[Baby Cakes gives one his new candy bars away to the students]

Baby Cakes:
Hey, everybody, stop being idiots. Put my stuff in your mouth. It tastes right.

Pemsy:
Uh, are these FDA approved?

Baby Cakes:
What are you, a men in black?

Pemsy:
I'll t...I'll take a b-- I'll take a Bar-B-Que one. Here's $2.

Baby Cakes:
I don't want your money. This is personal.

Sandra Bullock:
Willy's trapped. Now let's see if he likes black guys. Bet he does.

Frank Smith:
Look, Bobby, I'm sorry, man. I -- I can explain. I went off my meds, okay? But my brother, he got me straight again. I just -- I just want to apologize to your face.

[as Bobby opens the door, Frank quickly stabs Bobby again]

[Baby Cakes sees all of his new candy bars in the vending machine]

Baby Cakes:
Oh, yeah! Look! Look at my supply being demanded! These students love me way more than Perk-A-Boo!

Steve Smith:
You just crammed those in there, didn't you?

[after Frank gets done with the same lecture for the 3rd time]

Frank Smith:
Another home run.

Wendeloquence:
You've given the same lecture three times, a**hole. I mean, who cares if you float a little bit?

Frank Smith:
Don't -- Don't repress your desires, baby girl.

Baby Cakes:
Nah, I just need the pig fat, like hog knockers or hanglings.

Pony:
Dude, what is all this?

Baby Cakes:
Oh, I'm just getting some supplies. Say, you look down on the dump.

Pony:
[sighs] I'm just feeling a little --

Baby Cakes:
Withered? Here, let me give you one of my bars.

[Baby Cakes gives Pony a Withered Granny Steak Bar]

Pony:
WHERE'S THE DAMN BEAUTY AISLE?!

Pony:
It's makeover time.

[few minutes later]

Pony:
No, it's hopeless. [crying] I'm already a Sammy.

Frank Smith:
Man, I am so addicted to quickenings. I have had, like, nine quickenings.

Steve Smith:
I don't give a sh*t the way I see it, I slap you and take your money and you still got to tell me that I'm the best and it KILLS you to have to say that.

Frank Smith:
[chuckles] Nope. Just looking at me right now is f***ing up your self-esteem. You can't even keep a girl in your house anymore.

CEO Manager:
Mr. Cakes, we think you're smart.

Baby Cakes:
Damn right I'm smart. I'm like Willy's Wonka up in here.

[Sammy sees Pony as Sammy]

Sammy:
What on eastbound earth?

Pony:
You know, Sammy I'm a senior. I should just accept that and stop trying, because I already look like you.

Sammy:
Child, you have 60 years before you look like me. Look at my timeline.

[Sammy shows pics of herself of her timeline throughout her history which ain't that long ago]

Pony:
So, this means I'll look good until I'm 80!

Sammy:
Oh, you got it backwards. I finally started looking good *at* 80. So, step off my style.

Golden Bowl:
And to add insult to injury, the FDA has taken issue with Perk-A-Boo!'s new line of energy bar. Flavors like Nine-volt battery, girl hair, bathing suit area, and others will be recalled immediately.

Baby Cakes:
Jetta!

Jetta:
Already on it.

Pony:
Hey, what's going on here?

Steve Smith:
Uh, you know, Frank being stupid. Are you good? Seemed like you were --

Pony:
Yeah, yeah. No, I'm good. I just need you to flunk Matt Attack for me.

Steve Smith:
Just put his name on the pile, kiddo.

Dean:
So, UCI students, teachers, Dean here. Time for my monthly fireside web-chat thing, right? Which we all know is bull turds! All the other Deans in America are raising tuition and reducing teachers' salaries. And they're getting richer than ever. And I can't be outdone by those tiny-ass a**holes. No f***ing way!

Sammy:
Oh, my! He's about to say we all got to back to being slaves.

Crystal:
Listen, I hope he shuts the whole place down. I hate it here.

Dean:
All my teachers get minimum wage.

Dr. Falgot:
Minimum wage? You got to be sh*tting me!

Gale:
Well, I always wanted for you to always want a second job.

Dean:
Freakin' students, man!

Pemsy:
Jocks, are you watching this?!

Matt Attack:
Pemsy, shut your jagged crack! Man's talking about our lives here.

Dean:
Students, there's only one week left to register for the upcoming semester. And most importantly, tuition will be raised to $500,000.

Pony:
$500,000?!

Kim:
Bro, that's so unreasonable.

Frank Smith:
[scoffs] Come on. This just a joke, right?

[Dean throws the computer away out the window]

Dean:
THIS IS NOT A JOKE! I'M THE SHERRIF IN THIS TOWN. ABIDE BY MY RULES OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!

Pony:
I'll have to quit school. I'll have to move back to Detroit with Mom. No! No. I have to stay in school.

Baby Cakes:
Oh, yeah. You got to stay here, 'cause you just trying to figure out which one of us you're gonna marry, right?

Pony:
Got to think. Get drunk, then think.

Steve Smith:
Riding a jet ski is like riding around the lake on a giant vibrator. Girls get...curious.

Frank Smith:
And you know what curiosity does to the cat. It gets her drunk and kisses her privates.

Dean:
Just use the most expensive decor. Have my assistant pick it. Where's is that weird-ass mute?

[Baby Cakes gets in a argument with The Dean]

Baby Cakes:
Oh, what? I got to make an appointment now, you sellout, fat-cat, time-management enthusiast?

Dean:
Who you want, baby Cakes?

Baby Cakes:
I want to tell you that this money stuff sucks.

Dean:
You suck!

Baby Cakes:
What are you doing this for?

Dean:
What are you for?

Baby Cakes:
Students are freakin'. Even Pony's got to drop out.

Dean:
Pony should pony up. Why do you care?

Baby Cakes:
Because I'm a cool-ass care bear. Just open your eyes. You'll see that.

Dean:
I see a fat, giant man baby who loves to cry and grow fat all over himself.

Baby Cakes:
That's aside, people seem poor, sad, or something.

Dean:
So, mind your own beeswax. Who do you think are -- Robin Hood?

Baby Cakes:
Maybe I am. Who is that?

Dean:
Kevin Costner.

Baby Cakes:
Sh*t, yeah, then. I'm whoever that is.

Dean:
No, you're not. Kevin Costner is nine-feet-tall and ripped as sh*t. Hair all flowing back like a falcon's tail. Watch him in "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves". You could never be him.

Baby Cakes:
Fine. I'll Netflix it. F you, by the way, you dick butt villain.

Sammy:
Donald, where do y'all pile up your kids' books? In a crumple by the toilet, or outside by that hobo's nest?

Pony:
Sammy? What's the point of you being a professor if you need a second job?

Sammy:
B*tch, stop looking at life as a line. It's a f***ing circle.

Steve Smith:
Alright, listen up. My brother's teaching with me now.

Pemsy:
Oh, this is his class, so technically you're teaching with him. OH! You're teaching as a team. I get it.

Steve Smith:
Frank, you hate this guy as much I do?

Frank Smith:
Yeah. F***ing little toad.

Matt Attack:
Hey, not to crimp y'all up but this class cost like $8,000, just this one, this one hour right here. So y'all gonna teach or what?

Frank Smith:
Hot -- Hot Segue. So -- So, June 28, 1914. Archduke Ferdinand was cruising the drag in a convertible. And then...

Kim:
And then what?

Flip Flop:
Tell us the answer, b*tch! Test is tomorrow! We need that sh*t.

Steve Smith:
If you want to know the answers, meet us in the woods in one hour. And bring $100 each, cash.

Wendeloquence:
Unh-unh. $100?

Steve Smith:
You're already f***ed for life. What's another bucks just to make sure you pass your exams? You feel me.

Dean:
Oh sh*t! It's Kevin Costner!

Baby Cakes (as Robin Hood):
Silence, all ye nottinghams.

Dean #2:
That's -- That's not Costner.

Baby Cakes (as Robin Hood):
I said, "Silence"! I'm taking your rich stuff and giving it to the poor.

[Baby Cakes steals all their belongings]

Dean #3:
Aren't you going to stop him?!

Dean:
Are you crazy? That's a Costner in berserker mode. Got to wait till he cools, find him asleep in a tree, then strike.

Baby Cakes (as Robin Hood):
That's right. I'm so berserk that I never sleep. I'm invincible! [falls out of a window]

Pony:
So, I'm already $30,000 in debt, I lost my scholarship job, and I have 200 bucks to my name.

Business Man:
Great. Well, we're all set to give you a loan on our end. Just initial here to agree to your monthly payment.

Pony:
Wow, that was really easy. Wait, what the f*** is this?

Business Man:
This is our Limb Farm option fore people in your situation. Say someone with good credit needs a limb, well, we take one of yours. But, hey, you'll have that history degree, won't you? Huh?

Baby Cakes:
Behold, wretch...alms for the poor. [drops out many fancy items and stuff] Solves your problem.

Pony:
B.C., what am I supposed to do with cheese cigars? No, don't answer that.

Baby Cakes (as Robin Hood):
[rides a bike] Morgan Freeman, our good deed can't end. HUZZAH!

Steve Smith:
So for the test, just keep in mind that the war of 1812 was pretty much just "Empire Strikes Back", which brings us to the Market Revolution -- My brother's specialty.

Frank Smith:
So, who here can tell me the name of the man who invented Modern America?

Matt Attack:
Was that Al Gore or something?

Kim:
But when did modern stuff start at?

Steve Smith:
[to Frank] Hey, forget renting jet skis. We're buying.

Frank Smith:
YEAH! My brother and I are hitting the lake for some flipping and ripping, yeah! [imitates motor revving]

[Dr. Falgot found his new portrait got ruined from Baby Cakes' entrance a few hours ago]

Dr. Falgot:
What the ever-loving --

Baby Cakes (as Robin Hood):
Don't you f***ing thank me. It's what I do. HUZZAH!

Pony:
[scoffs] Mom, stop I.M.ing me. I am not moving back home.

Pony:
Blowing your mind, Chica?

Chica:
[chuckles] Oh, I think I know what's going on here. You waddled your fat-cat american ass down here thinking that Mexico was as dirty and cheap as Selena Gomez.

Pony:
I didn't waddle.

Chica:
Miss, this is a university. It costs thousands of dollars, not dozens.

Pony:
But what about all the pictures online of Mexicans drinking coronas on the beach in hammocks?

Chica:
Maybe it was the f***ing weekend, you racist! Look, this won't even get you a hotel, let alone tuition or a condo or even a book.

Pony:
[on phone] Steve. I moved to Mexico because I can't afford to stay in China, but now can't afford to stay here in Mexico! I GOT TO BACK AT THE SCHOOL! WHAT DO I DO?!

Steve Smith:
Hmm. Hard times. You know, you only got 4 days to register here, kiddo

Frank Smith:
Hey, Pony, we're getting jet skis!

Pony:
SHUT THE HELL UP, FRANK! THIS IS SERIOUS!

Steve Smith:
Pony, this place has gotten so crazy, I'm not sure you want to come back. I mean, the Dean is offering $500,000 for the capture of Kevin Costner. And he doesn't even get paid that much to act anymore.

[Baby Cakes watches Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves]

Princess:
You came for me. You're alive.

Robin Hood:
I would die for you.

Baby Cakes:
Yes! I am awesome in this!

Pony:
Cool. Enough for a bus to Hollywood. Costner equals money, and money equals staying in school.

[Pony gives the security guy a passport]

Security Guy:
Is this a joke?

Pony:
Look, I just want to get back to the states, okay, mustache?

Security Guy:
This passport's probably a fake -- CGI. Look at you, you Mexican. Admit it.

Pony:
Well, yea, I'm Mexican, but, no, no, I'm American. I grew up, uh, over that fence.

[Security Guy shreds the passport]

Pony:
WHAT?!

Security Guy:
Nice try, hermana. Go back home!

[Baby Cakes sees a wanted post of Kevin Costner]

Baby Cakes (as Robin Hood):
Ah, now they're after me! I need an alter ego, big time.

Pony:
How many coke balloons are you packing? [chuckles]

[Mexican Hostage Woman gives Pony a taco]

Pony:
You don't understand me, do you?

Hispanic Mobster:
Get the heads off all the men and put them in the suitcases.

Hispanic Mobster #2:
What about the women?

Hispanic Mobster:
Hey, we're not monsters, man.

Baby Cakes:
Oh, good evening, gentlemen.

Steve Smith:
Baby Cakes, why are you dressed like Clark Kent?

Baby Cakes:
Why are you dressed like nasty car enthusiasts?

Frank Smith:
Because we're f***ing rich now.

Baby Cakes:
Oh, really? Would you excuse me, then, please? [secretly leaves]

Frank Smith:
[to Steve] So, anyway, have you ever heard of porpoising? Just YouTube it. It's kinda like what I do in the pool with the soccer ball.

[Baby Cakes makes his entrance as Robin Hood again]

Baby Cakes (as Robin Hood):
Ha Ha! Good morrow, gallots!

Steve Smith:
Baby Cakes, what the hell?

Baby Cakes (as Robin Hood):
I'll be taking THIS. [grabs the money from Steve and Frank] HOO-HA! HUZZAH! [pants on bike] This alter-ego f***ing really works!

Frank Smith:
[to Steve] AAH! I've told you over and over we shouldn't hang out with deranged motherf***er! Seriously!

Dean:
Listen up, UCI. As you know, a certain major movie star/ECO engineer has been f***ing with me and my riches. But despite my reward, no one has grown or shown balls enough to catch him.

Crystal:
Mm, never would have guessed I would have been teaching in such a asylum.

Sammy:
Your expectations are like a tar pit, woman. You're stuck. Now hush.

Dean:
Never send a boy to do the job of a lethal killer made up entirely of shadows and pain. Oh, yeah, don't forget to register for classes -- Only thee days left.

Pony:
Oh, god. I think the cocaine burst in my ASS!

Baby Cakes:
[to Lunch Lady] Put everyone's lunch on my tab. And you know? You look a little poor. Here [gives dollars] Fix yourself up.

Frank Smith:
Hey, don't blow our wad, you sh*tnick!

Baby Cakes:
Whoa, whoa. What's your problem here, strangers?

Steve Smith:
Look, B.C., you took my jest-ski money, biggun, and you crossed the line there.

Baby Cakes:
This money belongs to people who can only wish for jet skis.

Frank Smith:
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT US!

[Baby Cakes escapes]

Dean:
[to Steve and Frank] You two know him, so you'll be the bait. He can't not save his friends. This slippery f***ing Costner is as lissome as an unfurled condom dancing in a hot-tub jet.

Pony:
Got to move, JFK.

Kevin Costner:
I wasn't JFK. I was just in it.

[Pony hits him with the grammy award trophy again]

Pony:
Save it for your acceptance speech.

Dean:
Hear ye, on this, the last day of registration for next semester, I decree Kevin Costner to be an enemy of the realm and must be hanged.

Steve Smith:
Holy sh*t! What the f*** is happening?

Frank Smith:
Hey, can we get our money out his pocket first?

Pony:
Steve, what the f*** is going on here?

Steve Smith:
The Dean is about to kill B.C. because he thinks he's Kevin Costner. I just called 911. They think I'm crazy.

[Kevin Costner suicide himself on the rope to save China, Il's bill budget]

Dean:
What the f***? Is that... [grabs BC's fake robin hood wig onto Kevin's hair] It is! It's the real Costner!

Baby Cakes:
My mirror is dead.

Dean:
Pony, here's your reward.

[Dean gives the bag of money to Pony to save China, Il]

Frank Smith:
[to Pony] ...Some of the money for our jet skis?

[Pony ignores Frank instantly while saving the college]

Frank Smith:
B*tch.

Steve Smith:
And so I said, "Who cares about being last? I'd rather be the first of the mohicans".

Tonyanna:
So.. what's my special man want to do for his birthday next weekend, huh?

Steve Smith:
Yeah, my birthday...right. Hey, Baby Cakes, I need that book I let you borrow. You know, "Of Mice and Men"?

Baby Cakes:
Oh, right! You know I'm sorry but I lost it.

Steve Smith:
UGH! I need that book you idiot! You know I read "Of Mice and Men" at least once a month. UGH! I can't believe you.

Tonyanna:
Steve! Be nice.

Steve Smith:
No, no, no! This guy ALWAYS loses my "Of Mice and Men" books! I mean, I hate him. [to Baby Cakes] I hate you. I'm done with you. [to Sexy Woman] I hate you.

Baby Cakes:
[cries]

Tonyanna:
Stop it, Steve! He's crying! I had no idea you could be so mean.

Baby Cakes:
I'll buy you another one, Steve! Please! Just like me again!

Steve Smith:
Pssh.

Tonyanna:
[scoffs] I don't think I can deal with this side of you.

[as Tonyanna leaves, Steve and Baby Cakes cut all the drama act and laugh it out]

Steve & Baby Cakes:
[both laugh]

Baby Cakes:
When you gave me the "Of Mice and Men" signal, I knew it it was time to do our trick. Well, why don't you just break up with her?

Steve Smith:
Nah, I'd rather get dumped for being a bad boy. Then other girls will want to try and tame me.

Steve Smith:
So, one of our new teachers is late. Guess he's gonna miss out on Pony's welcome gift.

Pony:
The only option they gave me was Nana-Bonanza. I didn't pick it.

Steve Smith:
No, no. Solid...weird-ass idea.

[Sammy sees 2 Steves]

Sammy:
It's like Mary-Kate and Ashley all over again. I can't take it!

Steve Smith:
Okay, this is a little weird. I mean, that's my J-crew cotton twill sport coat, and my...everything else.

Carabas:
To many, myself included, their reaction is a little insulting.

Pony:
Frank, I'm just saying never tell anyone they look like someone else because it makes them feel less special.

Frank Smith:
Whatever, skank.

Baby Cakes:
Hey, Pony. I tried Spanish once. Man, I was like a fish out of water.

Frank Smith:
Dude, your whole life is a fish out of water, alright? Anyway, listen. I got --

Baby Cakes:
Speaking of things out of water, have you ever come across a turd out of water? Man, it's terrible! I mean, who came up with putting dookies in the water --

Steve, Frank & Pony:
B.C.!

Baby Cakes:
Well, whoever it was was f***ing genius. Einstein, probably.

Frank Smith:
So, I'm pretty sure that Grace wants my goober, but I don't know the words to say that'll...get her to act on it.

Steve Smith:
You know, you should just do the "Hey, I know" routine.

Frank Smith:
What?! What does that even mean?

Steve Smith:
You go up to a girl when she's alone, and you say "Hey, I know. I just wanted to let you know that I know, but I have no judgement. In fact, I'm here if you want to talk about it".

Frank Smith:
Okay, but then what happens?

Steve Smith:
Then they unload what is foremost on their minds, which usually that they want to have sex with me, so we do.

Frank Smith:
Oh! That can't work!

[Carabas does a presentation about aliens]

Carabas:
Ancient aliens. Take the great pyramids. Many mainstream historians would say the pyramids have nothing to do with aliens, but is it possible that the ancient egyptians had help -- Not from Gods in a traditional sense, but from technologically advanced extraterrestrials that humans misidentified as Gods? I say yes.

Steve Smith:
[behind the class door window] I knew I hated this guy for some reason. Ancient goddamn aliens.

Frank Smith:
Yo! Chinese Precious! Hey, I know. I just want you to know that, and -- And I'm cool with it, so.

Fat Chinese Student:
I want sex.

Pony:
Hey, look -- Uh, I'm Mexican, so...

Crystal:
So...what?

Pony:
Let's just cut to the chase here. You give me an "A", and I won't show up in front of your class.

Crystal:
Pony, embrace your mother tongue. [Mexican accent] Come dance with me in Nuestra Cultura.

Steve Smith:
[angry] Carabas!

Carabas:
Excuse me?

Baby Cakes:
Oh, cool. You guys are hanging out.

[Steve was about to get into a riot with Carabas]

Baby Cakes:
No! Come on, guys! Don't be turds out of water.

Flip Flop:
Aw, yeah! Twin fight! Twins hate being twins, yo.

Carabas:
[to Steve] Smash my banana, and I'll smash yours.

[Pony tries to ruin Crystal's Spanish teaching]

Pony:
[gangster accent] 'Sup, doggy! I'm real-deal Mexican! This sh*t miss be teachin' is from Spain!

Crystal:
Bonita! [speaking spanish]

Pony:
[gangster accent] Whatever, gringo!

Crystal:
It's gringa. Conjugate that verb.

Pony:
[gangster accent] Nah, I ain't got that, teach.

Crystal:
Conjugate it!

Pony:
[gangster accent] Nah!

Crystal:
CONJUGATE IT!

Pony:
I...I... [crying] I can't! I can't read Spanish, okay? I can't read it! I can't speak it! I'm a Mexican, and I never learned Mexican! [sobbing]

[Baby Cakes tries to throw horseshoes in a basketball hoop]

Baby Cakes:
Get in the water, you turd!

[Frank sees Grace's house as a rich mansion]

Frank Smith:
She's rich and she wants to f***?!

Steve Smith:
Well, you know, I just saw you here, sucking back those mojitos, so I thought, "Well, I was a mojito".

[Baby Cakes works at a library]

Steve Smith:
Baby Cakes, you work here? I mean, you can do work?

Baby Cakes:
You know, it's a funny story. Me and Carabas met playing D&D, and then we started eating paint off the shrimping docks, and now I'm running his store because he's teaching your class.

Steve Smith:
[sees a book] "Ancient Astronaut Bible Explanations"?

Baby Cakes:
Oh, yeah!

Steve Smith:
What's with that, uh, flock of virgins over there?

Baby Cakes:
That's A.A. -- Ancient Astronauts Society. You know, they meet every Tuesday with Carabas.

Steve Smith:
Carabas...I got to talk to that dick.

Baby Cakes:
Look, you and Carabas are just like Dumbledore and Gandalf. First, you want to fight, but pretty soon, you're gonna want to screw.

Carabas:
One must admit I did not think you'd actually come down here to learn.

Steve Smith:
I just came down here to fire your ass.

Carabas:
You can't fire me just because I had sex with your girlfriend.

Steve Smith:
No, I had broken up with her, but thanks to you, I had to screw her to be the one who screwed her last, so there. And you're fired.

[Frank takes care of Grace's sister, Helen]

Frank Smith:
So, your sister wanted me to take you outside and get some sun on your...meat.

Pony:
Thank you so much for pushing me into Spanish, Steve. I felt like a bad latina, but now, with a week's worth of Spanish, I feel at one with my people.

Carabas:
That is excellent, Pony. Now, as a bilingual, you should work to integrate the two halves of yourself.

Pony:
That is great advice, Steve.

Frank Smith:
No, no! Your advice is way off, brother! I tried your move and Grace didn't f*** me! Instead, she's got me slathering balm all over her crispy sister.

Carabas:
She trust you with secrets. Sexual acts are sure to follow. Persevere -- Like the cigar-shaped UFOs against the glowing orbs in the sky over Nuremberg in 1561.

Frank Smith:
Strange...strange choice of words, but yeah. Okay. I hear you.

Steve Smith:
Guys, it's me. I'm Steve. That -- That's Carabas, but you're all just too f***ing stupid to see it.

Pony:
Oh, I'm sure he didn't correct us because he didn't want us to feel awkward, unlike you. Don't ruin your own birthday party.

Steve Smith:
WHAT?! He's pretending to be me, and he thinks that aliens started civilization. I mean --

Frank Smith:
Dude, who knows. It's just as likely as the sh*t we teach. I mean, no one know what the hell ever happened.

Steve Smith:
Idiots. Okay, okay -- Baby Cakes, I need my "Of Mice and Men".

Baby Cakes:
Steve, you're just being a dick for for real now. Now if you'll all excuse me. I've got something I need to put into some water.

[Frank rubs lotion on Helen]

Frank Smith:
[tired] Oh, I can't believe I'm doing this!

Helen:
Hey, I know. I just want you to know I know.

Frank Smith:
What?! Oh, that's such a relief, man! I don't even know what I'm doing here. I wanted to have sex with your sister, and then everything went crazy --

Helen:
I don't want to hear your troubles. I just want to get laid!

[Steve tries to become like Carabas by changing the opposite stuff that the real Carabas originally does]

Steve Smith:
Ancient Egypt -- Is it possible that the humans built the pyramids and all other megalithic structures on earth all by themselves? I say yes.

Hat Woman:
But how did the druid move those huge rocks for Stonehenge?

Steve Smith:
[bleep] people figured it out! Okay, look -- Imagine that you were the richest man on earth back then and all you had were slaves and food and rocks. I bet you'd stacking sh*t too.

Mustache Man:
But the laser-precision of Puma Punku! How can ancient people --

Steve Smith:
Nerd, don't estimate all humanity by the limits of your own capability.

Orange Beard Man:
Carabas! Thursday's talk was...it was illuminating! I was so inspired! I went and built a treehouse for my penis!

Carabas:
Get out of my store!

Steve:
Ah, it's my store. I f***ing love it now.

Carabas:
I thought you hated ancient astronaut theorists.

Steve:
ALRIGHT! IT HAS NEVER BEEN ABOUT THAT! I HATE YOU because you look like me! I AM NOT TOTALLY COOL WITH IT, ALRIGHT?

[Grace came back and see his sister have sex with Frank]

Grace:
Helen! Stealing all the attention once again!

Helen:
One must steal all they can get, living with you!

[Grace and Helen uses fire poker sticks to fight to the death]

Grace:
Here we are again, just like gin-drunk college girls on that fateful christmas, fighting for daddy!

Helen:
It was obvious on his face that you made him uncomfortable, touching him like a whore! As you know, Frank.

Grace:
Well, I always heard daddy telling mama how scared he was that you would say something inappropriate to him in front of company! He was afraid you'd paint a wrong and terrible picture. Frank, this you know. I-I'm sorry to reiterate.

Helen:
Well, I read his diary. All he wanted was for you to grow up and find a man to release your sexual frustrations upon! YOU CREEPED HIM OUT!

Grace:
TO DADDY, THEN!

[Grace tackles Helen into the fireplace, burning themselves for their daddy]

Frank Smith:
GODDAMN IT!

Steve Smith:
Hey, new guy. I think you look more like Carabas there than you do me.

Another Steve Lookalike:
F*** off! I'm way hotter!

Carabas:
I am nothing like him. I am special!

Carabas & Another Steve Lookalike:
NO ONE IS LIKE ME!

[then Another Steve Lookalike tackles Carabas into another fireplace burning themselves]

Steve Smith:
YES! LAST OF THE MOHICANS!

Flip Flop:
Yo, check it. I'm about to fill your head with some liquid gold. Planet Earth, a long time ago, my great-great-grandad was a janitor at this place, Monticello. It was there that he learned about Jefferson's fabled diamond castle, which Jefferson built in a place nobody could find. Across America are hidden clues and a secret map to its location. BAM! Jefferson's also on the $2 bill. Please take one as a report favor. Peace.

Frank Smith:
That was...dumbest sh*t I've ever heard in my entire life. Put it in the trash where it belongs. I SAID PUT IT IN THERE! I WANT TO SEE YOU DO IT!

[as the school bell rings, and all the students walked away from Frank's classroom]

Frank Smith:
[grabs the papers that Flip got in the trash] Aah! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! This is just what I've been waiting for!

Steve Smith:
Listen, everybody -- We're gonna get our annual surprise inspection tomorrow from the College Association of America.

Crystal:
Honestly, how does this department get accredited?

Steve Smith:
Well, turns out Frank is tight with the inspector. She's this old broad, comes into town, wants a fun trip, and Frank somehow...provides.

Crystal:
So...Frank's like a secretary who blows the client for the good of the firm?

Steve Smith:
Hey, he gets our accreditation somehow, alright? And I don't see what the big deal is. I mean, I'd do it.

Pony:
Well then why don't you do it?

Steve Smith:
Hey, for some reason she likes Frank more.

Frank Smith:
Okay, Frankie -- 1, get the stencil, 2, find the diamond castle, 3, get my diamond castle special on the History Channel, and, 4, eat every vagina in the land!

Frank Smith:
No surprises, okay, B.C.?

Baby Cakes:
Uh-huh.

Frank Smith:
We break into this prison, and we stick to the plan.

Baby Cakes:
Oh, I got it! It's a reverse "Shawshank". It's a shankshaw. I'm Morgan Freeman, and you're the whiny honky.

Frank Smith:
Oh, my god! You're such an idiot!

Baby Cakes:
[imitates walkie-talkie] Commencing Phase 9 of Operation Shankshaw. Morgan Freeman out.

Dean:
Alright, guys. We don't know where Frank is, so I'll be your teacher today. Where did you leave off?

Matt Attack:
Man, he was telling us about an indian girl who got in a van with two leather homies who were on a road trip.

Pemsy:
[chuckles] No, Matt, it was Lewis and Clark meeting Sacagawea. Hello?

Dean:
Okay, I'm gonna need the two strongest guys to come up here and take their shirts off. No eye-pokes, ball-tearing, or biting. Everything else is on-limits.

Student:
[laughter]

Dean:
[brutally lifts a desk] SHIRTS OFF!

[Pony and Crystal punches Steve]

Pony:
What the hell happened? Where's Frank?

Steve Smith:
I don't know! I called him a hundred times! I had to take her out last night.

Crystal:
Oh, did you give her what she wanted, or...

Steve Smith:
I don't know. I-I think I pissed her off. Sh-she said it was fine, but she didn't mean it was fine.

Crystal:
Oh, I didn't think you had any issue with the whole "Blowing the client for the good of the firm" thing.

Steve Smith:
No, I didn't have to blow her or anything.

Pony:
Didn't have to blow her?! Then what was the problem?

Crystal:
We'll lose our jobs!

Sammy:
Who did not f*** that b*tch?

[Baby Cakes sees a wanted poster of Ronald Reagan]

Baby Cakes:
[to Ronald] Wait a second. Are you famous?

[Ronald Reagan disguises as President Clinton to get into Jefferson's private sanctuary]

Security Guard:
President Clinton? You usually arrive at 3:00. It's noon.

Ronald Reagan:
Well, that's because I...that's because I...

Baby Cakes:
[on headphones] Ask him if he likes to party!

Frank Smith:
[on headphones] Abort that order! No, don't abort the mission, though! Okay, j...just hold on! Okay, think Clinton stuff. Um...say you're getting a blow job later!

Ronald Reagan:
Something came up. I got to give a lady the old "Arkansas Toothpick".

Frank & Baby Cakes:
[sighs]

Baby Cakes:
Oh, that's close.

Frank Smith:
GET OUT! GET OUT! You are off the mission.

Baby Cakes:
But I'm Morgan Freeman!

[Ronald Reagan gets access into Jefferson's room]

Ronald Reagan:
Looks like this was Jefferson's private jack-off room.

Government Spy:
Sons of Jeffer, I believe we have some...snoopy poopies, over.

Ronald Reagan:
You really had some moves back there, hairless.

Baby Cakes:
And you had a great impersonation of Kenny G!

Ronald Reagan:
[laughs] Oh, you're a f***ing weird egg.

Frank Smith:
Here's a little something for your trouble.

Ronald Reagan:
40 bucks?!

Baby Cakes:
Hey, where's mine?

Frank Smith:
I TOLD YOU TO GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE, B.C.!

[meanwhile the students are doing gladiator training that Dean pulled up]

Dean:
Good leaping, there, Johnson!

Matt Attack:
Man, I told you! My name is "Matt".

Dean:
Nope. You're all Johnsons. Ah, got to do a bell curve up in here now -- Find the top Johnson. Tomorrow will suck.

Polly:
My husband would cook my goose if he knew how much p*ssy I'm getting here.

Ronald Reagan:
How's your drink, Baby Doll?

Baby Cakes:
Awesome. It's like 90% sugar.

[Baby Cakes sees a statue of Thomas Jefferson]

Baby Cakes:
Hey, wait a minute. It's a 3-D $2 bill.

[Frank sees a bird eye view of Thomas Jefferson as a map in New Orleans]

Frank Smith:
Are those streets supposed to be...tongues licking him?

[Baby Cakes saved Frank and Ronald Reagan by using an propane bottle]

Ronald Reagan:
B.C., you're a regular Lindbergh! Frank, he saved us! Thank his ass!

Frank Smith:
[quietly] Thank you.

Baby Cakes:
Hey, we're a team. What did you expect?

Dean:
Okay! Chainsaw battle time! [laughs]

Stacy:
[worried] Where's Frank? He was supposed to teach us about the Panama Canal!

Dean:
What do you think this is about? What do you think anything's about?! Is the snake like a river, the river like a snake? Everything is everything. It is what it is. This is Panama!

[Ronald Reagan beats Carter]

Ronald Reagan:
You're 0 for 2, Georgia. You just got 1980'd.

Steve Smith:
I'm telling you, it was nuts. I chased a laser in a cat suit on the floor. They want me to do it again, but screw it.

Quimberly:
Aww, that sounds kind of cute.

Steve Smith:
It was really humiliating.

[Pony rushed in with the spray bottle]

Pony:
I knew you'd puss out. [sprays Steve] Get down! Get! In! There! And get changed! [to Woman] Hey.

Frank Smith:
Legend has it that on Ben Franklin's deathbed, he birthed an egg of what is believed to be...Magical Black Quartz.

Ronald Reagan:
Well, what the hell do we do with it?

Frank Smith:
[inhales sharply] Okay, I've got an idea -- [head smashes the glass to steal Ben Franklin's egg from the museum]

[the Magical Black Quartz egg got burned to dust from the sun]

Baby Cakes:
Dracu-egg.

Frank Smith:
NO! [crying] MY HISTORY CHANNEL SPECIAL! [sobbing]

Baby Cakes:
Frank! Your cry paper is a map!

Frank Smith:
What? [sees the map] The castle is under Mount Vernon in a vaulted cavern! "He who seeks my true secret must bring the egg of Franklin or they will be trapped beneath the mountain forever"! Ohh, we needed the egg! We're f***ing like ducks on f*** farm!

Dean:
Pop quiz!

[Dean throws the knife at a student, but originally he throws his knife at a rope, booby trapping the student to death]

Dean:
Johnson, you get an "F".

[Baby Cakes sees Thomas Jefferson's orgy in the diamond castle]

Baby Cakes:
Gross. What an old horny.

[Frank and Baby Cakes escapes the diamond castle from collapsing]

Frank Smith:
[sad] It's gone...forever. I let it go.

Baby Cakes:
Why did you go and ruin Superman's Clubhouse?

Frank Smith:
Because I had to f***ing save you, friend!

Baby Cakes:
Stupid move. That place was awesome.

[students run away from Dean's brutal activities]

Dean:
Come back here and learn some history, you f***ing Johnsons!

[Steve checks to see the result from the Inspector for China, Il]

Steve Smith:
We passed? I don't understand. I let her down in that cat suit cat fight.

Frank Smith:
[spits] You wore that thing?! Wow!

Steve Smith:
Wait. You didn't?

Frank Smith:
[scoffs] F*** no! We get drunk and play with cats. Sure, she asked, but she said it was fine if I said no. So I said no.

Pony:
But she saw the Dean wearing the skin of a student.

Frank Smith:
Dude, she accredits any department, no matter what! She only has that job so she can get away from her husband.

Ronald Reagan:
My fellow Americans, I'd like to assure you that...my dick is just as big as it ever was. I'm gonna kick this whole thing off with my special on the History Channel! It'll explain why I'm y'all's president...for the rest of my life! [cackling evilly]

Steve Smith:
Pony, you do seem pretty tense. Maybe you should just bang one out.

Pony:
Honestly, you guys and Winker don't even give a crap whether we girls enjoy sex.

Frank Smith:
Whatever. Aren't you supposed to be in New York, getting marries or something?

Pony:
I leave tomorrow. My sister's marrying this guy who's way cooler than all the dudes around here.

Steve Smith:
Well [clears throat] We'll miss your a**hole...comments -- Uh, your a**hole comments, not -- You know what I mean.

Dean:
[drunk] Frickin' Winker is a national treasure! Check this out. [open up his chestbox] I'm gonna give Kenny the keys to the campus.

Frank Smith:
Man, you're f***ing crazy! Don't you know what those things can do?!

Dean:
[drunk] F*** you.

Steve Smith:
[laughing] Those are way too dangerous for you to have in your condition. Now come on. Give me the keys. Give me the keys.

Dean:
[drunk] Good lookin' out.

[Dean gives Steve the keys for safety]

Dean:
[drunk] But if you two lose 'em, I will make your worst nightmare come true.

Frank Smith:
[worried] You mean...you'll pull our d*cks off?

Dean:
[drunk] Whatever you don't want to happen...will.

[Baby Cakes plays a broken iPad]

Baby Cakes:
Come on. Wake up.

Pony:
Okay. Baby Cakes, it's obviously broken. Can you just call tech support or something?

Baby Cakes:
What's a tech support?

[after getting drunk, Pony wakes up with Flip Flop on her bed]

Flip Flop:
Yep. Ha ha ha! You're welcome! You're pretty good, shorty. Thanks for that. Can I check my internet?

Pony:
Oh, my flight! I got to leave. You got to leave -- Forever.

Flip Flop:
No worries. Listen, sex was tight, yo!

Pony:
No, I'm not doing that.

[after getting drunk, Steve wakes up with Frank on his bed]

Steve Smith:
Um...how did we end up in this bed together like dick-touching Jonas Brothers?

Frank Smith:
[chuckles] Let me walk you through it. Shots, strip poker, reverse strip poker, all-night cram sessions with sorority girls, leaving those girls, and singing Winker all the way home. But... [realizes]

Steve Smith:
OH, CRAP -- THE KEYS! WE MUST HAVE LEFT THEM AT THE SORORITY HOUSE!

Frank Smith:
The Dean is gonna pull our d*cks off!

Crystal:
Guys, I'm trying to give a lecture here!

Matt Attack:
You're trying to piss me off.

Golden Bowl:
Lines are open -- As open as it seems my college-age daughter is, judging from her OkCupid profile.

Golden Bowl:
Hello, caller 10,000. With whom am I speaking?

Baby Cakes:
Tech support?

Golden Bowl:
[laughs] You won the the golden ticket. Cool, huh?

Baby Cakes:
So, I can't get my iPad to work. Do you know how to get in touch Iron Man?

Golden Bowl:
Are you nuts?! You get to hang out with Kenny Winker! It's every guy's dream!

Baby Cakes:
No, my dream is to watch Hobbits on this iPad. I don't want your ticket.

Golden Bowl:
Yeah, well, I don't want my daughter to be into using crazy-shaped d*ldos on people. You won! The ticket is yours.

Baby Cakes:
Well, I'll just give the ticket away. [hangs up] Man, Applecare sucks.

Debra Bowl:
Well, if it isn't the guys who had all-night cram sessions with my girls here and didn't even pay them any real attention. [pulls out Dean's keys] You looking for these.

Frank Smith:
F***ing be careful with those, dickface!

Steve Smith:
You know, I'm afraid I don't know your name, but I'm on really good terms with Kim there and some of your other girls, so...

Debra Bowl:
You want my name, or do you just want to make me feel like you care?

Steve Smith:
Well, neither, really. I just thought --

Debra Bowl:
Oh, neither?! So, you just want to know my name so you can charm me, huh? Well, you can take the ugly-man-acting-cute act and shove it up your brother's a**hole. I'm the house mother, man. I'm uncharmable.

Steve Smith:
Oh, man. Okay. Alright. F*** it. How do you want to do this?

Debra Bowl:
My girls get "A's" in any history course forever. Then you can get the keys.

Steve Smith:
[inhales sharply] Alright. Done.

Debra Bowl:
Sign this contract.

[as Steve signed the contract to them, they gave him hand lotion]

Debra Bowl:
Here's an idea -- Why don't you guys go jerk each other off? Ha! Thanks for the "A's" and the keys, suckers!

Frank Smith:
Steve, you just got outsteved!

[everyone tries to begs and bribe for Baby Cakes' ticket to meet Kenny Winker]

Dr. Falgot:
Ohh! Ho-ho! There's my boy -- Baby Face!

Baby Cakes:
Ey, what's up, Dr. Falgot?

Professor Cakes:
[shoves Dr. Falgot] Back off! Son, give me the ticket.

Spider:
Come on, kid. I am fat, sad, sad person. This is my only dream. Please, man.

Matt Attack:
B.C., what up? Yo, I want to give you my new iPad -- No reason. I'm just nice. Want to be nice back?

Flip Flop:
No, no, no! Take mine, yo!

Pie Guy:
Dude, I got pie!

Pemsy:
"F" off! The ticket's mine!

[Baby Cakes runs away]

Professor Cakes:
Son! Oh, son! If you give that ticket away, I will kick you out of the house!

Baby Cakes:
[to his ticket] Oh, I wish you were never born.

Pony:
So, guys, I think I met the one!

Frank Smith:
Shush, Pony! The Dean's gonna pull our d*cks off.

[Baby Cakes rushes in]

Baby Cakes:
Everyone's trying to pull my dick off!

Pony:
Ugh! It is always about d*cks! I'll have you know that I had real sex last night and no d*cks whatsoever!

Baby Cakes:
Everyone on campus wants this damn Kenny Winker ticket. Here, take it.

Frank Smith:
What good is a Kenny Winker tour bus if you don't have a dick to enjoy it with?

Kenny Winker:
Alright, now, where's that cretin who hates me?

Baby Cakes:
I'm that cretian.

Kenny Winker:
Come on, now. Everyone loves me. I had to disguise my glory just to avoid getting loved to death by fans!

Frank Smith:
Why are you even here?

Kenny Winker:
Well, I had to come down here and see for myself this boy who hates me!

Baby Cakes:
Hey, you seem cool. Your music sucks.

Kenny Winker:
Aah! Take that back!

Baby Cakes:
Take your face back to mordor.

Kenny Winker:
Alright then, give me that ticket!

Baby Cakes:
I'm gonna tear your stupid ticket up right in front of your stupid nose.

[everyone on campus sees Pony hanging out with a bedbug]

Matt Attack:
What the f*** is that walking with Pony?

Dr. Falgot:
Oh, that's nasty.

Professor Cakes:
No, that's a -- Ugh! He's really --

Crystal:
Hot! Ooh, he is hot as f***. So amorous.

Kim:
Dude, he's so into her. That's so appealing to me.

Matt Attack:
Y'all crazy. That's a creature.

Wendeloquence:
Finally, somebody is paying some real attention to a lady around here.

Kenny Winker:
For the hundredth time, everyone loves my music -- PERIOD!

Baby Cakes:
I bet ladies hate it as much as me. I know 'em.

Kenny Winker:
Now, come on, man! Women love my ass! They're always on my tour bus, touching me.

Baby Cakes:
Because you're rich, motherf***er.

Kenny Winker:
Ugh! I see it now! Women hate my music! Boy, you were right!

Baby Cakes:
Right as rain, man.

Kenny Winker:
Boy, you tell it like it IS! It's like I'm Ahab who finally got himself a fatass Moby Dick.

[Steve figures out a way to get The Dean's keys back]

Steve Smith:
Alright, maybe we just get jobs in Canada.

Dean:
It dawned on me that you guys never returned my keys. I need 'em.

Steve Smith:
Uh, you know what? We, uh -- We're having those keys...polished.

Dean:
That kind of sounds like a lie.

Frank Smith:
Oh, come on. We're not lying a**holes. No. No, we're front holes. We're -- We're the good holes.

Dean:
Have the keys in time for Kenny's concert, or, like I said before, I'll make your worst nightmare come true, which is what? Mm...I'll kill Pony.

Steve Smith:
What?!

Frank Smith:
That's a relief. I thought you were gonna pull our d*cks off.

Dean:
Oh, right! I'll pull your d*cks off, too! You'll have a dead friend and no d*cks to wipe your tears with!

Kenny Winker:
Son of a biiiiitch! I had no idea women like walking this much! Look at all these women out here, just loving the sh*t out of some titties.

Baby Cakes:
Never sing to ladies until you've walked a mile in their b*obs, kid.

Kenny Winker:
So, how do we work this into my songs?

Baby Cakes:
Alright, listen -- Ladies hate music that makes 'em run. They like the music that makes 'em hobble. It all comes down to what they can do in those weird-ass little shoes of theirs.

Kenny Winker:
Hell, women don't even like shoes!

Baby Cakes:
Listen, the song tell the world how you screw. Your music says that you screw like you're running from a lion. You should be making everyone think you screw like a sensitive, undulating goblin.

Kenny Winker:
That is the sh*t! THAT IS THE SH*T, RIGHT THERE, BOY!

[Pony came into the Professor Brothers' lounge with her bedbug]

Pony:
Hey, what's up, guys? So, um, yeah. We were bored, so we were like, "Let's go have a beer with my friends".

Steve Smith:
What in the absolute f*** is that?

Pony:
This is my new boyfriend. I told you that like a hundred, you jerks.

Steve Smith:
Are those bites all over you?

Pony:
He loves me, Steve, and it may hurt, but it also feels really good.

Steve Smith:
I-I know how women stuff works, okay? Look, I don't give 1/5 of a half-eaten sh*t about your monsterphilia.

Kenny Winker:
Everyone listen up! Whatever Moby Dick (Baby Cakes) here says goes. Now, Moby, this here is Richard, my manager of 20 years. He's a good man.

Baby Cakes:
No, he looks like a muffin cup.

Kenny Winker:
Richard, you're out!

Baby Cakes:
Listen up. I got this broke-ass iPad.

Kenny Winker:
TECH SUPPORT!

Tech Supporter Guy:
[sniffs the iPad] Is that a...is that gasoline?

Baby Cakes:
Yeah, I been pouring gas into that little gas tank ever since I got it.

Steve Smith:
Maybe we just tell the Dean that the sorority has the keys.

Frank Smith:
We've already lied to him. He'd pull our d*cks off just for that.

[Steve and Frank sees the sorority girls' house getting smoked up with bug spray from Pony]

Steve Smith:
What the hell are you doing, Pony?

Frank Smith:
You find this surprising? She was f***ing a roach!

Pony:
B*tch got to smoke a cheater out.

Steve Smith:
Frank, this our chance. We got to run in there and find the keys.

Frank Smith:
That's poison, dude. I'd rather be dickless than dead.

[as Pony was about to kill the roach, Dean stop her]

Pony:
Dean, I was gonna kill that guy!

Dean:
[happily] I bet you were gonna do a lot of things.

Baby Cakes:
Once in a great while, a man lands on earth after having been formed in the vagina of the clouds.

[after Kenny Winker's new song]

Kenny Winker:
Moby, they hate me! What happened?!

Baby Cakes:
Man, I told you people hated your music.

Kenny Winker:
NO! YOU SAID GIRLS! You ruined my fan base! Oh, Kenny, you do this in every town! You mistake a straight-up moron for a rain man every time! Rain man'd again! Oh, I bet you eat acorns! F*** me!

Golden Bowl:
[on TV] This town is a piece of sh*t. There is not one good person. I was once an okay guy. Then I moved here. Now I am capable of terrible things. What's the point in even trying to be good? People here just sick what they want from you and move on with their selfish lives. I mean, there is a literal sucking...

Mayor:
[on phone] You watching this?!

Dean:
[on phone] Yeah! He's saying bad stuff about my school!

Golden Bowl:
[on TV] China, Illinois, has stolen my soul.

Mayor:
HE'S DISPARAGIN' MAYOR'S TOWN!

Dean:
You got people in place at Channel 8?

Mayor:
What you think Mayor is -- A non-mayor? Mayor gonna make him make the people in China look good! Watch tomorrow!

[at the next day, Golden Bowl got a black eye]

Golden Bowl:
China, Illinois, is full of good and positive people...

Golden Bowl:
Dr. Jack Falgot is a physician, has a wife and kids. That is amazing. How do you make it all work?

Dr. Falgot:
The hell is this, man?

Golden Bowl:
[sarcastically tired] Huh. That is great. That's just -- Just great. What a worthwhile segment. People are just so, so, so great here.

Frank Smith:
Well, guess I'm gonna have to be the person of the day for these chumps.

Pony:
Frank, nobody wants to be on that show, and, besides, no one's interested in you.

Frank Smith:
Pony, okay, look -- I'm like -- Yeah, I'm one of the top three most interesting people in this town.

Steve Smith:
[laughs] Who are those other two people?

Frank Smith:
You know, other heavy-hitting, big-dick hot guys like me. [sniffs] Yeah, I'll be the person of the day. I just got to get their attention.

Baby Cakes:
Hey, superheroes get attention. You should be that.

Frank Smith:
I don't even know what a superhero is, Baby Cakes, so go f*** yourself.

Baby Cakes:
Wait. How does someone f*** themselves?

Steve Smith:
Jetta, you know, I got tomorrow off. Want to grab a bite...or bite and grab, you know, or just grab?

Jetta:
Ugh! Steve, don't be so gross in front of Pony.

Steve Smith:
[chuckles] She know the lay of the land. It's me. I'm the best lay in all the --

Pony:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.

Pony:
Man, I almost got the roast beef. I got this stupid chicken sandwich instead.

Steve Smith:
Well, let's trade halves.

Frank Smith:
Ah, why don't you two just finally get a room and screw in it? You're in love, and everyone knows it.

Pony:
Me and Steve? [scoffs] Come on. We're just friends.

Frank Smith:
Denying it just makes it more obvious.

Steve Smith:
Just like denying you'll never be a person of anyone's say is obviously sad.

Frank Smith:
[to all the students and teachers] Everybody, hey! Listen up! Every-- Everybody! Okay, show of hands! Who believes that I'll be a person of the day?

All:
[laughter]

Frank Smith:
AAAH! BULLSH*T! Okay. I bet everyone here a plate of cheese sticks that I'll be a person of the day within a week.

All:
[cheers and applause]

Flip Flop:
I'm a hold him on it. I'm a eat all them cheese sticks.

Baby Cakes:
[to Steve and Pony] Hey, so really how do you f*** yourself?

Baby Cakes:
Psst. Hey, Matt. How do you f*** yourself?

Golden Bowl:
[spits] Trevor, this coffee is "B" to the ever-loving "S". Know what? Your internship is over.

Trevor:
[crying]

Golden Bowl:
You weren't that good a lay anyway.

[Baby Cakes sees a sexy commercial]

Baby Cakes:
Everytime I see this commercial, I get so...edgy-feeling.

[Frank rubs Golden Bowl's back full of zits and acne to be the Person of The Day]

Frank Smith:
[disgust] You know, you're not really that tense. You've already released all over the place.

Golden Bowl:
Lick it.

[the next day, when Sammy becomes the Person of the Day on TV]

Professor Cakes:
I don't get it. Wasn't this supposed to be about you today?

Frank Smith:
Yes! That a**hole promised me, and I...did things.

Baby Cakes:
Should have been a superhero, dude.

[Frank brings white tigers]

Frank Smith:
Steve, Pony, meet Shasta and 7up. Quiet, kitty! That damn Channel 8 sicko will make me person of the year once he sees my kittay-cats.

Pony:
Dude, no one even remembers your bet about the cheese sticks.

Steve Smith:
Yeah, those things -- Those things are gonna eat you, Frank.

Frank Smith:
No, no! They're tame! Watch this.

[as Frank opens up the cage, the white tigers gone loose]

Frank Smith:
[surprised] They're so fast. SHASTA! 7UP!

Baby Cakes:
So, superheroes are brightly colored people who whoosh around and sound like throat cancer -- You know, like Batman.

Frank Smith:
What are Batmen?

Baby Cakes:
Listen, superheroes are people who think that the law sucks and that they can do better.

Frank Smith:
So, what, like, I punch a cop in front of people?

Golden Bowl:
For the second time, Dr. Jack Falgot is our Person of The Day. Earlier, he actually killed a majestic, endangered white tiger -- For no reason. Just...just...

Dr. Falgot:
I just hit the b*tch with my car. And I swatted him with a newspaper while he died. [laughing]

Golden Bowl:
[sarcastically tired] The people in this town are incredible. [drops his mic]

Window Washer #1:
Yeah, well, my kid plays soccer. She's really bad at it, but I lie and say she's good. Well, she's my kid. What are you gonna do?

Window Washer #2:
Yeah, I hear you. I tell my kid I'm a doctor.

[Frank comes out of his car as a superhero to save the window washer from the tall building]

Frank Smith:
I'm supposed to punch a cop. Where's a cop?

Blue Hoodie Guy:
You're a hero! Get up there and save those people!

Frank Smith:
Exactly -- I'm a hero! So, now what?

Wendeloquence:
Fly up there -- Save those guys.

Frank Smith:
Fly?! Come on!

Blue Hoodie Guy:
JUST GET THE F*** UP THERE!

Frank Smith:
OKAY! Get off my back!

[Frank tries to save the window washers by pulling them up]

Frank Smith:
You f***ers are so fat!

Window Washer #1:
Don't you have super strength?

Frank Smith:
WHY WOULD YOU EVER THINK THAT?!

Golden Bowl:
Today two window washers fell several stories, suffering serious injuries, when a masked man seemingly rushed to provoke their fall. You would think this man would flee the scene, but he's actually right here, demanding to be interviewed.

Golden Bowl:
So, tell us, China-Man...

Frank Smith:
Wait. Why are you calling me that?

Golden Bowl:
Well, you are bedecked in the flag of the Chinese Republic.

Frank Smith:
China?! Okay, whatever. Look, am I the Person of The Day or what?

Golden Bowl:
Uh, so, how do you explain your destructive actions?

Frank Smith:
What the -- Are you kidding me? I just almost saved some people.

Golden Bowl:
And are you even Chinese?

Frank Smith:
Is this the f***ing inquisition, pimpleback? I am a person of interest here. I'm a person of the day.

Golden Bowl:
No. No, he is not.

Window Washer #1:
So, my daughter was all into this rap guy. She wanted to go to his concert, but I -- Well, it's so expensive, so I told her this rapper was a rapist. Now she doesn't like him so much. But I feel bad.

Window Washer #2:
I know what you mean. I tell my daughter there's no world outside the attic that I keep her in.

Golden Bowl:
[on TV] Breaking news -- Some guy is threatening to set a girl on fire downtown now! It was believed that Steve Smith and Pony Merks had once been in love, but that all seems to be false tonight.

Steve Smith:
[on TV] I HATE THIS PERSON! I'M GONNA BURN HER BECAUSE OUR HATE FOR EACH OTHER KNOW NO BOUNDS!

Pony:
[on TV] HE IS MY LEAST FAVORITE PERSON!

[Baby Cakes turns into a raging monster while looking at Pony's breasts on TV]

Baby Cakes:
MUST...SHAKE...WOMAN!

[while Steve and Pony are still acting to make the people believe they aren't in love]

Steve Smith:
THIS B*TCH HAS DRIVEN ME TO KILL HER. AFTERWARDS, I'LL BE GETTING A DRINK, IF ANY GIRL WANTS TO HANG OUT.

Cap Guy:
Somebody get these people separated!

Weneloquence:
Break it up before something bad happens!

Steve Smith:
[whispered to Pony] Hey, I think it's working.

Pony:
Great. Now let's just let 'em take us to jail and we're home free.

Frank Smith:
You got to let me in there! He's been my nemesis since we were kids!

Black Police Officer:
No dice, China-Man. We're going to arrest you instead so you don't feed any more fathers to tigers.

[Baby Cakes shakes Pony while climbing up a building]

Baby Cakes:
This feels right for some reason!

[as the police officers caught China-Man, they pulled his mask off revealing the man in the suit, Frank]

Blue Hoodie Guy:
IT'S THE MASSEUSE!

Frank Smith:
HEY! There were a lot of other skills on that car! Why did you all get stuck on the Masseuse thing?!

[while Baby Cakes still shakes Pony, Steve saves the day]

Steve Smith:
WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU, MAN?!

Baby Cakes:
I DON'T KNOW, STEVE! DAD GAVE ME A MAGAZINE! IT HAD BOOOBS ON IT! AND NOW I GOT TO SH-SHAKE STUFF!

Steve Smith:
Oh, I get it. Baby Cakes, sometimes when a man has feelings for a woman...

Baby Cakes:
I DON'T UNDERSTAND! [shakes Pony even faster]

Steve Smith:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey! Have you touched your penis?

Baby Cakes:
WHAT -- NO!

Steve Smith:
Shake your penis instead of shaking her!

[Baby Cakes drops Pony and shake his hand with his penis instead]

Baby Cakes:
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh, this -- I never put it together! This -- Oh, this feels right! Steve, you're such a good teacher!

Professor Cakes:
[sees his own son spurting on TV] Oh, yeah, that's right. I forgot to tell him to jack off with the magazine. You know, there's no room for error with this kid.

Golden Bowl:
I, uh, [sniffs] I can't believe it. There actually are good people, in China, Illinois, and they inspire me to try to be better, nicer. These people are actually worthy to be called "Persons of The Day" due to their undying love for one another.

Pony:
[grabs the mic away from Golden] We are not in love. I am single and looking for casual hook-ups.

Steve Smith:
For the record, I did not save this girl out of love. I would have done the same thing for a hideous, mean, old hag.

Golden Bowl:
Come on. [chuckles] It's just so cute how much they deny it.

[Flip Flop's sister throws newspaper]

Flip Flop:
Sis, you're throwing them all wrong.

Flip Flop's Sister:
Bro, just drive the f***ing truck!

[Baby Cakes mixed syrup and whisky in a oatmeal to a Canada Cake]

Professor Cakes:
No! No Canada Cakes! You're already an insane person, but -- But that stuff makes you impossible to deal with!

Baby Cakes:
Nuh-uh! It gets me wise!

[as Professor Cakes grabs the newspaper outside, Baby Cakes closes the door in front of him]

Professor Cakes:
Jerk! I don't have my key! Let me in!

Baby Cakes:
[drunk] Well, I got like five keys in here! So you do the meth!

Professor Cakes:
It's not meth. It's math, and that doesn't even -- I can't take this!

Baby Cakes:
[drunk] You got to take it! I'm your son!

Pony:
No, please just use your own computer for that. I don't want your fingers on your stuff and then on my keyboard.

Frank Smith:
I touch everything! Everything is one degree away from my Kevin Bacon.

Professor Cakes:
Uh, son, you're 30. I-I-I know that without a steady woman in the house, we both act juvenile, but it's --

Baby Cakes:
STREET TROLLS! Oh, they -- They make so mad!

Professor Cakes:
That -- Oh, that actually reminds me. Did you make your bed? You know how you get when you find it...unmade.

Baby Cakes:
Man, just quit picking on me! [jumps out of the car] GERONIMO-MO-MO-MO-MO!

Steve Smith:
Okay, look, it's been an hour since the movie.

Kally:
It affected me deeply. It didn't do that to you?

Steve Smith:
It's just that everybody says this is the best of the year, and for me, that's a pretty --

Kally:
Oh, you're just a cynic!

Steve Smith:
Alright, watch this, watch this. Um, hey, Matt, have you seen "Toy Movie 3"?

Matt Attack:
Oh...my...god. That's the best movie I've ever seen.

Steve Smith:
Kally, can we just stop talking about this?

Frank Smith:
Hey, what do you think Steve thought I was gonna do wrong? He's always judging me.

Pony:
I know, right? [imitates] "I'm Steve, and I'm the Dad".

Frank Smith:
[laughing]

Pony:
[imitates] "Little dog, do this. Pony girl, stop laughing".

Frank & Pony:
[both laugh]

Frank Smith:
Yeah! Hey, listen. [imitates] "I am Steve!" [laughs] I can't really do it, but you know he sucks.

[Frank destroys the security camera on street when Frank and Pony were having fun while driving the car]

Frank Smith:
Agh, this is a camera, right?! Where's the f***ing film?!

Pony:
It's a digital feed! Frank, you dragged me down to your level again!

Frank Smith:
No, we are exactly the same level!

Kally's Dad:
Oh, has anyone seen that "Toy Movie 3"?

Steve Smith:
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I saw that.

Kally's Dad:
Well, what'd you think?

Steve Smith:
I mean, it was pretty good, but you know what is really good? This butternut squash. Brenda, you are amazing.

Kally's Dad:
I must say, Steven, "Toy Movie 3" wasn't just pretty good".

Steve Smith:
Hey, you loved it. That's great. It just wasn't my thing.

Kally:
Well, it seems a lot of people with taste seem to think it was important.

Steve Smith:
[locked in] Okay, you want to do this? Oh, yeah, let's do this.

Kim:
Okay, now, even if I'm proven to be right, I do not want it to ruin how he currently has sex with me.

Goatee Doctor:
Oh, don't worry -- The party in the wrong would be even more wrong to disagree with us.

Matt Attack:
See? That right there is fascist, man!

Derrick:
Oh, hi. Welcome to Total Validation. Sit here, and let's discuss your present disagreement, shall we?

Baby Cakes:
He doesn't accept me for who I am.

Professor Cakes:
Who he is is a monster that no father could possibly live with.

Baby Cakes:
Man, all my friends' dads let them do what they want.

Professor Cakes:
Yes, and that is because they're functioning adults. They live by themselves. They have JOBS! I keep you alive, idiot!

Derrick:
So, before we get started, is there anything you need to confess?

Baby Cakes:
I'm Batman.

[Steve and Kally's Family gets into an argument about Toy Movie 3]

Kally's Dad:
YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND UNIVERSAL THEMES!

Steve Smith:
[grunts]

Kally:
It's a sweet, sweet movie!

Steve Smith:
No, no, that movie is about a kid's unhealthy relationship with some objects!

Kally's Dad:
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Steve Smith:
It'd be different if he knew that those objects loved him, but he doesn't!

Kally's Dad:
No! Oh, please!

Steve Smith:
And that kid is not ready for college, by the way!

Kally's Dad:
No, don't you see?! It's sublime!

Steve Smith:
No!

Kally's Dad:
It's for everyone, but it's also for really wise people!

Steve Smith:
Oh, no, it is for people who are pro-slavery!

Kally:
WHAT?! PRO-SLAVERY?!

Kally's Dad:
ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?!

Steve Smith:
Yes, it's about property that should be so devoted to the master...

Kally's Dad:
No!

Kally:
No, shut up!

Steve Smith:
...that they'll do anything to get back to him so that he can use them again.

Kally's Dad:
Ah, Steve!

Kally:
Stop it!

Steve Smith:
They are party slaves, and he doesn't even know they have feelings!

Kally's Dad:
YOU FOOL, IT'S ABOUT GOD AND DEATH!

Steve Smith:
No, no, no!

Kally's Dad:
IT'S ABOUT EVRYTHING!

Kally:
It has heart!

Steve Smith:
[groans loudly]

Kally:
Where's your heart?

Steve Smith:
Oh, my god, KALLY!

Kally's Dad:
I CRIED! BUT I CRIED SO F***ING HARD!

Steve Smith:
Come on, Bob!

Kally's Dad:
AND YOU ARE A F***ING MONSTER!

Steve Smith:
AND YOU ARE PRO-HOARDING!

Kally's Dad:
I HATE YOU!

Kally:
He didn't even like the ending, Dad!

Kally's Dad:
OH, HOW?!

Steve Smith:
KALLY!

Kally's Dad:
THEY WERE ALL CRYING ABOUT DYING!

Steve Smith:
[scoffs]

Kally's Dad:
Alright, okay, you tell me, what is a good movie?!

Steve Smith:
I don't know -- "Last Tango In Paris".

Kally's Dad:
WHAT?! THEY USE BUTTER AS ANAL LUBE IN THAT FILM!

Steve Smith:
It's a classic movie about adults doing what adults do.

Kally:
Oh, you're a f***ing pervert!

Steve Smith:
I'M A F***ING ADULT!

[Frank and Pony sees Steve's car at a Miata Chop Shop]

Frank Smith:
Panty sniffin'! [laughs] Say, do you happen to know a guy named Miata Mike?

Car Engineer Guy:
MIKE! Two girls are here to see you, man!

Pony:
Listen, Mike...

Miata Mike:
Uh, ba-ba-ba. It's Miata Mike.

Pony:
Miata Mike. What would it take, nonsexual, to get the car back?

Miata Mike:
Hmm, $5,000.

Frank Smith:
F*** no! I don't have $5,000! We need to be at the lake f***ing immediately! Okay...$150. W-What would that get us?

Miata Mike:
For $150, I'll give you a ride, but I keep the car.

Frank Smith:
That's f***ing weird.

Miata Mike:
What can I say? I'm Miata Mike.

Matt Attack:
So, you mean every guy doesn't have to buy everything their girls want? Just me in my specific relationship with Kim?

Mohawk Guy:
Uh-huh, precisely, Matt.

Matt Attack:
See? Right there, that is crazy, y'all! Y'all can't see that that's crazy?!

Derrick:
Okay, Leonard, your turn. Imagine your son tells you that he wants to burn your face with acid. What do you say?

Professor Cakes:
Uh, what do I say? I say -- I say, "Go right ahead because you're my son, and I must love you unconditionally".

Derrick:
[loved] Oh, are you just telling me what I want to hear?

Professor Cakes:
Hey, Derrick, do me a favor. Go f*** yourself.

[Baby Cakes crashes his own house]

Baby Cakes:
Motherf***ers! Oh, what's up, Dr. Falgot?

Dr. Falgot:
Baby Cakes, what the hell?!

Baby Cakes:
Hey, we're the same! See my badge? Total Validation said I'm more right than Dad!

Dr. Falgot:
Wait, that can't be right 'cause you're an awful pig boy.

Baby Cakes:
Exactly!

[Kally's Dad sees her wife having sex with Steve]

Kally's Dad:
BRENDA, I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU! Kally says you don't like "Toy Movie 3"! HOW?!

Steve Smith:
[scoffs] That's what you're mad about?!

[Baby Cakes sees his bed sheets unmade]

Baby Cakes:
Son of a b*tch! My bed was slept in...BY A PILE OF F***ING STREET TROLLS! Dad can't stop me now.

Hobo #1:
Man, this is the best soap we ever drank!

Hobo #2:
Have you tried that hand sanitizer? Doper than soap.

Hobo #1:
Can I get real, for real? I hate houses!

Hobo #2:
I'm so f***ing glad I'm not in a house. F***ing ladies locking up soap at night. They know I wanted it!

Steve Smith:
So, I'm supposed to care about every inanimate object in my life because it could secretly love me?!

Kally's Dad:
YOU'RE A PSYCHOPATH! YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED AROUND MY DAUGHTER! [crying]

Kally:
Oh, don't worry, Dad -- I already hate him!

Kally's Dad:
"TOY MOVIE 3" IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER MADE!

Kally's Mom:
Steve, take me with you!

Steve Smith:
Sorry, babe, small car.

Kally's Mom:
I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING! I F***ED YOU WITH THAT STICK OF BUTTER! [crying]

Baby Cakes:
Oh, Dad, you've never threatened to leave me before.

Hobo #1:
He never threatened to leave you before?! Sh*t, you're a lunatic!

[Baby Cakes and Professor Cakes finally makes love with themselves without the total validation]

Derrick:
This is how it's supposed to be. People don't need total validation. I'm gonna blow up the clinic tomorrow morning.

Steve Smith:
So, hottest woman ever -- Sweater beard, go.

Sweater Beard:
Cleopatra?

Steve Smith:
Uh, when you say, "Cleopatra", I think "Liz Taylor". Then I think "Michael Jackson", and then my penis dies.

Steve Smith:
Um, Chinese Precious, go.

Chinese Precious:
Um, the Florence Nightingale.

Steve Smith:
Warmer. Warmer. You know, your English is really firming up. Trouble Bubble, go.

Trouble Bubble:
Wha? Why am I "Trouble Bubble"?

Steve Smith:
Dude, you fart in class, and that's really selfish. Anyway, hottest woman ever -- The Virgin Mary.

Pemsy:
Um...she was technically the least sexual person ever, right?

Matt Attack:
Pemsy, you -- Your voice makes me mad instantly.

Frank Smith:
So, we left off with Nixon feeling the pressure to resign. The, um, Supreme Court demanded the tapes, and the, um -- The House and the Senate were wanting to impeach.

Wendeloquence:
Come on, man. At least try to spice this up. I mean, even the Robert Redford movie was better than this.

Frank Smith:
Hey, I -- You -- You've got MTV brain, and I -- Nuance -- [gives up] Ohh.

Frank Smith:
So, what the f*** is an Aardvark?

Professor Cakes:
It's the Haardvark, see, because kids all talk hard. Plus the receptor ears and the translation matrix look, um, aardvark-like. The name's a place holder.

Pony's Mom:
And also, Pony, you need to go to church.

Pony:
Mom, let's just have these pre-drinks and get to the stadium.

Pony's Mom:
Pony, you shouldn't drink diablo water so much. It's bad for your belly. I never drank it, and look at me. Sh*t, I look good.

Pony:
Mom! I'm not like you, okay? I can't follow God's crazy-hard commandments or whatever.

Pony's Mom:
You see what I deal with, Boss Smith? An alcoholic anarchist.

Steve Smith:
Yeah, Pony's a mess. Let me ask you something. You're into God. I've got a girl in my life. She's into God. We got out, we date, she's sexy, but there is nothing beyond kissing. Now, I'm gonna meet her at the game later. Is there anything that maybe -- You know what? Uh, don't worry about it.

Surfer God:
Now, let's take a look at my old commandments. I kind of half-assed it. I mean, "Thou Shalt Not Rape" should been in there. Lots of people are doing it 'cause it's not in there.

Frank Smith:
Even though God exists, we should probably just continue on with watergate, right?

[Frank uses the Haardvark]

Frank Smith:
This lecture will seem particularly dry, so I'm gonna drop sh*t that'll taste hella bad. Yet you may find that it resonates with your own experiences. But check it -- Grip tight, and y'all be feeling me. Word.

Flip Flop:
Is someone talking to me?

Professor Cakes:
It works! [laughs]

Frank Smith:
Y'all just snack up on that down piece. Y'all got troubs for bubs. Draw down cuttlenut.

Stacy:
Oh, poor Nixon. Those aren't even ground for impeachment.

Frank Smith:
True! Everything be sweet-ass cream up in that fillout. LOL. WWGD? Subatomic fuggletouching me keeping my pickle in that hospitalino, yo. Word out.

Professor Cakes:
So, really, God came down and he surfed?

Baby Cakes:
Into our hearts. Look at him. He's such a McConaughey. So best for the product.

Frank Smith:
[using Haardvark] That is non-phony, tenderoni.

Surfer God:
Alrighty. Are y'all ready for number 2?

Baby Cakes:
I hope it's not "Give up on your dreams".

Surfer God:
Don't Give Up On Your Dreams!

Baby Cakes:
Yes!

Professor Cakes:
What the f*** is this?! He sucks.

Surfer God:
Let's blaze another one! Commandment Number 3 is Experience The Magic. Catch y'all on the flipside!

Professor Cakes:
This -- This is silliness. I have work to do. Frank, give me the prototype.

Frank Smith:
[using Haardvark] No! This piece be rollin' solo with me, yo. T'ain't no troubs for the bubs.

Baby Cakes:
[to his Dad] God's will, right?

Professor Cakes:
That God -- Jimmy F***ing Buffett -- No. And Frank is a stupid influence. You're -- You're dumber now.

Steve Smith:
Alright, Steve. Just build a little shack, put a woman in there -- You'll be alright.

[Surfer God shows Steve a flashback on why he hates him]

Steve Smith:
Oh, my god. How did I forget that?

Surfer God:
I made brains wonky. I left out key parts. You can't put the banana in a banana nut bread once it's just nut bread. Know what I mean?

Steve Smith:
Uh, so, just the Beach Boys were murders, not all surfers.

Surfer God:
Yeah, man. Yeah.

Steve Smith:
Well...I feel great.

[Frank watches All The President's Mean while using the Haardvark]

Frank Smith:
Yo, big bad be trip dick. Hear my dog, blue pipe? Yeah, my connect be all dark dip. He be deep down in that throat like a sunk boat. But, yo, it all yo-yo. So, yo.

Pony:
Oh, hi. Excuse me, God. So, my Mom had this stupid idea that I should ask you out [laughs nervously] and I should just -- Could you just tell her she's crazy?

Surfer God:
Nah. She ain't crazy.

[Surfer God makes Pony's belly pregnant]

Pony:
DID YOU JUST MADE ME PREGNANT?! DUDE!

Surfer God:
That's how God does dating, chickadee. [leaves upwards]

Pony:
MOM!

Baby Cakes:
The commercial worked! I got 1,000 orders! I don't know what to do!

Professor Cakes:
What?! You put out an ad for a product that I didn't have licensed yet!

Pony's Mom:
Ponita, you should get this nice scarf. It'll make you look like Virgin Mary.

Pony:
[mad]

Pony's Mom:
Oh, a thousand pardons. You know what to do, not me. You're the Mom now.

Lady:
[whispers to another lady] It's God's B*tch -- The B*tch of God.

Surfer God:
Okay, everybody, listen up! The Seventh Commandment is...Kill Your Parents.

Steve Smith:
You got to admit, last night...was kind of funny.

Frank Smith:
No, I won't admit it. What you did to me was...bad people stuff.

Frank Smith:
Pony, mark my words -- He will f*** you over.

Baby Cakes:
[to Steve and Frank] Man, you two have crazy tension. You know, maybe you should marinate in each other's lives a little.

Frank Smith:
Baby Cakes, you're an idiot.

Baby Cakes:
[to Steve and Frank] Man, y'all really really should marinate, like those snakes that get tasty from being in jars together.

Pony:
No, B.C., those are pickles. You get so confused.

[Frank challenges Steve by quizzing him into history cards]

Frank Smith:
November 1, 1950 --

Steve Smith:
Truman assassination attempt.

Frank Smith:
King John --

Steve Smith:
Magna Carta.

Frank Smith:
Aah! Okay, I'm just gonna read silently.

Steve Smith:
William Kunstler.

Frank Smith:
HEY! SHUT IT!

[Crystal does a presentation about Joe McCarthy]

Crystal:
In the 50s, the Cold War between Russia and America was so fiery, we Americans began to suspect ourselves of being communists. Now, this fear was personified by Senator Joe McCarthy, who actually held trials accusing whomever he pleased of being communist. Now, these trials became known as the Witch Hunts.

Baby Cakes:
Whoa! Yeah! Look at your f***ing whiskers!

British Moustache Guy:
Oh, capital observation, Lord Cakes! Shall we sally forth, old chap?

Baby Cakes:
[chuckles] What the f*** are you even saying?

Joe McCarthy:
Hey, come here, Baby Cakes.

Baby Cakes:
[gasps] You know my name, Joe?

Joe McCarthy:
Sure. You're the real messiah the Jews are waiting for. But that's not what I came here to talk about.

Baby Cakes:
[happily] I never want to talk about that.

Joe McCarthy:
Witches and Wizards need to be hunted hard, or else they'll outnumber us regular guys and turns us all into party slaves.

Golden Bowl:
[on TV] Who will win the top position -- Frank Smith or Steve Smith?

All:
Steve.

Baby Cakes (as Witch Hunter):
These streets are filthy with mages, warlocks, and potters. A rain should come and wash it all clean, but until then, it's up to me. Every rat shall keep its tail. The bat shall have its wing. A frog in a boiling pot -- Heh. Not on my watch. I'm gonna make you proud, Joe McCarthy.

[Frank tries to find someone to teach, after getting banished from UCI due to the piss incident]

Frank Smith:
Hey! Please! Hey, come on. I'll teach you. I'll teach for food. Come on. You look -- You look stupid.

Kim Li:
Oh, 'bout time, you...doo-doo piece. [laughter]

Frank Smith:
Yeah, good one, Kim Li. Yeah, I am a doo-doo piece.

Kim Li:
[spits] And your rice is million white doo-doos, like little, old dog doo-doos in sun! [laughter]

Frank Smith:
You're so wise. My rice are like little pieces of white doo-doo. [chuckles nervously] And I am white doo-doo piece. You nailed it.

[teachers gets kidnapped by Baby Cakes by thinking they're witches and wizards]

Crystal:
Baby Cakes, this is intolerable! He must know he's kidnapped teachers, right? Or is he Don freaking Quixote?

Sammy:
Oh, this a**hole don't know things. He's just playing a game with us.

Dr. Falgot:
[goes insane] I need cigarettes, man. I don't care if I ever see my wife and kids again. I just need some smokes.

Golden Bowl:
[on TV] Multiple missing persons have led many to assume that our college has become prey to a serial killer. [shows a drawing pic of Baby Cakes] The authorities have released a sketch of the suspect, which admittedly seems to be of any generic, hairless person.

Baby Cakes (as Witch Hunter):
Oh, my god. It must be a wizard kidnapping people.

[Pony punches Steve]

Pony:
How could you set me up like that?

Steve Smith:
Whoa. Slow down. What is this?

Pony:
Aristotle? Try "An Ass Is Throttled"! I showed a hardcore porn to a trigonometry class!

Steve Smith:
[laughing] Oh, the Dean gave me that to prank me. I didn't watch it yet. I didn't know.

Pony:
I got a herd of math nerds cutting right to the chase with me, dude.

Steve Smith:
[laughs] Well, you got to admit -- That's kind of funny.

Pony:
I WON'T ADMIT IT! You always need a beta to sh*t on.

Frank Smith:
Ooh! Vanity Fair! Don't you just love the Proust Questionnaire? Let's see. [disappointed] OH, but it's Claire Danes!

Dean:
Um, w-we got a serial killer doing stuff. So if you're not big, like me, you're screwed, and if you are big like me...I CHALLENGE YOU! Graveyard -- Midnight. We'll see who's big.

Mayor:
Hey, Mayor big! Mayor accept challenge!

[Dean and Mayor brawls each other]

Baby Cakes (as Witch Hunter):
I've hunted all kinds, all sizes. I've hunted tiger witches, bull wizards, man witches. [shows a drawing pic of himself] What you got here is a big, fat, idiot witch kidnapping all your people.

Baby Cakes:
[looks at his drawing pic of himself] Got to get into this guy's head. Why'd you kill these people that look just like my wizard prisoners? Ah, he's toying with me! Who are you?!

Professor Cakes:
YOU! IT'S YOU! GOD, YOU SUCK! THOSE PICTURES ON THE BOARD ARE US!

[Pony shows a pic of Frank to Restaurant Manager to see if he knows that teacher]

Restaurant Manager:
Yeah, I know that guy. He's a f***ing lunatic. He pissed all over my dirty dishes.

Pony:
[chuckling] Well, at least he didn't piss on the clean ones.

Restaurant Manager:
[gets offended]

Pony:
If something's already dirty, then it doesn't matter if someone pisses on them. I'm leaving. I'm going.

Frank Smith:
Are you really a holy person? I mean, really?

Old Buddha Man:
This place was once Blockbuster.

Frank Smith:
Oh, I knew it! F*** this! I'm pissing!

Old Buddha Man:
[stops Frank's penis from pissing] Hold in all anger -- Anger at brother, at Blockbuster, at world.

[after Steve got caught from Baby Cakes into thinking that Steve is a wizard]

Steve Smith:
Hey, Cakes (BC's Dad), don't you have, like, a safe word when imagination time's over?

Professor Cakes:
F*** you, Steve. He's special.

Dean:
Just hangin'?

Baby Cakes:
Hangin' and bangin'.

[Pony and Frank saves the teachers from Baby Cakes' basement]

Dr. Falgot:
[breaths shakily] F*** you if you didn't bring smokes. I mean f*** you dead.

Crystal:
I'm a little peckish.

Professor Cakes:
Okay, listen up! Everything in the kitchen is mine! Order a pizza or leave.

Pony:
Steve! I'm so sorry I didn't believe you.

Steve Smith:
No, Pony. I'm sorry for treating you like Frank. And, Frank...I'm sorry for treating you like Frank.

Frank Smith:
[gasps] An apology!

Frank Smith:
Okay, let's get you out of here.

Pony:
He's welded in, guys, and we don't have much time.

Steve Smith:
Okay, okay, wait. I've got an idea. I can't believe I'm gonna suggest this.

Frank Smith:
Dude, I can't do this again -- Seriously.

Steve Smith:
It's the only way. I'll shut the sliding door here tight against your penis. It'll create a seal, and then you'll fill my cage with your piss.

[Frank and Steve fights each other with Frank's piss and Baby Cakes' glitter]

Steve Smith:
You know, watching two grown men throw piss and glitter really puts things in perspective.

[after Baby Cakes confesses himself for stealing all the teachers who thought they were wizards and witches]

Baby Cakes:
Yeah, but I still don't get how no one is dead when the news said they were.

Pony:
[to Frank] He's not gonna get it.

Frank Smith:
No, let me try. [to Baby Cakes] You kidnapped everyone.

Baby Cakes:
Yes, I did.

Frank Smith:
You thought they were magical.

Baby Cakes:
Still could be...

All:
Unh!

Baby Cakes:
But...but I'm setting that aside for now. Go on.

Frank Smith:
Then the press jumped to the conclusion that the people whom you kidnapped were all killed by a serial killer.

Baby Cakes:
Man, I caused some trouble.

Steve Smith:
Hey, we all make mistakes. And you got to admit -- It's kind of funny.

Baby Cakes:
No, I won't admit that.

Frank Smith:
So, are we not even gonna mention that I saved the day here? Come on!

Steve Smith:
You did good, little dog.

Baby Cakes:
Wait a minute. Did you marinate?

Steve Smith:
I guess we sort of did.

Pony:
The public is gonna crucify Baby Cakes.

[cuts to the next scene where everyone in the public loves Baby Cakes thinking that BC pranked them]

Golden Bowl:
It seems we at Channel 8 have been victims of prank week. There never was a serial killer. Local weirdo marked "The Baby Cakes" has won best Prank of The Week. Really got us.

Frank Smith:
I cannot wait to read your suggestions.

Flip Flop:
Yo, dawg. Suggestion boxes. Really?

Frank Smith:
I know what you're thinking. This can't get any sweeter, but, hey! Even the constitution gets amended, so...

Crystal:
[reads suggestions] "Show a little more skin". "Hold my stupid dick". Pony, your suggestion box has only provoked perverted harassment.

Pony:
No. Listen. I'm sure there'll be good ones. Steve, was your box full of sex stuff.

Steve Smith:
No, when it comes to sex stuff, I fill the boxes.

Sammy:
[reads suggestions] "Talk more about history and less about your colon problems"?

Pony:
See? That one, you should listen to.

Sammy:
Do not advise me, titty-titty.

Frank Smith:
So, "Lincoln"...word on the street, Daniel Day-Lewis...boneless filet.

[Frank reads a suggestion that he's fat]

Frank Smith:
[scream, sobs] IT'S TRUUUE! I'M FAAAAAAAT!

Baby Cakes:
So, frats, my genie here needs a hazing, and he needs the "around the world special".

Aladdin:
I-I do not want go around the world. We have only just met.

Frat:
You're both morons. Get the f*** out.

Baby Cakes:
Well, I'm hungry. Come here, genie. [rubs Aladdin's stomach] I wish I could eat some fried stuff...right now.

Aladdin:
There.

Baby Cakes:
It worked! Aladdin, I'm gonna end up rubbing a hole in you!

[Frank gets skinny]

Frank Smith:
Now, now. It's not gluten. It's not cheese. It's really simple. It's willpower.

Steve Smith:
Frank? Did you, like, lose 50 pounds?

Frank Smith:
My secret adviser pointed out what I knew all along -- I was fat.

Steve Smith:
Whoa! No, he didn't.

Frank Smith:
Oh! I gotta run! These laxatives are...really draining off the pounds.

Dean:
Alright, guys. My campus is infested with hogs, and I have *thing* with hogs -- A perfectly normal phobia-type thing, not a sex thing. So I assembled the four of you because I looked over your files and determined that, due to your natural proclivities, you all are the most qualified to slaughter these hogs.

Matt Attack:
Come on, man. This is real racial. You just chose us 'cause you think people of color are violent savages.

Dean:
Come on. You guys know I'm colorblind. Don't make me do a "loving cup" with all your asses.

Dr. Falgot:
What pigs are you even talking about?

Dean:
Falgot, you have field-medic experience, so you're the Doc. Sammy knows this campus better than anyone. She's your intel officer. And Matt Attack is an all-american athlete.

Matt Attack:
See! That sh*t right there is what I mean!

Dean:
And Pony's got leadership skills, so she's your Captain America.

Pony:
You mean... [happily] people have to listen to me?

[Aladdin goes into Baby Cakes' Haze House]

Baby Cakes:
We got all the products necessary for hazing. [to Aladdin] Hey. You look tired. You need, like, a lamp or something to sleep in?

Aladdin:
[sighs] If this is to be my fate, maybe we should get alcohol.

Baby Cakes:
WHOA! Dude! You're reading the wishes right out of my brain now!

[Steve calls someone to get revenge on Flip Flop that wrote a suggestion to Frank, calling him fat]

Steve Smith:
[on phone] Al? Yeah. It's Steve here. Are you, um...you still in waste management?

[Steve gets more food products for Frank while he gets more skinner and more weaker]

Frank Smith:
[weakly] Dude, I look so good! And, you know, the trick is to weigh yourself after you masturbate.

Steve Smith:
Man, Frank!

Frank Smith:
[weakly] No, no, no. That's...one, two pounds easy. Yeah. Girls call me "Katrina" 'cause I fl... [sleeps] I flood them hoes.

Frank Smith:
Aah! I can't die I'm almost hot!

[as Pony, Steve, Frank, and Matt were almost about to zipline to another building, the rope broke]

Frank Smith:
It's all my fault. My fat ass just broke the whole thing!

[Pony tells Baby Cakes to let the people inside the Haze House]

Pony:
Let us in! Open up!

Baby Cakes:
Hey, Aladdin. We got some pledges out here.

Baby Cakes:
Okay, everybody. Make yourself at home. There's some potato chips and butthole grease.

Steve Smith:
Would you just tell my brother that you're the one who told him he's fat?!

Flip Flop:
Dude! My girlfriend just died! Back off! Besides, you made him get that duck tattoo and those daisy dukes.

Frank Smith:
Wait! Oh, hell. I get it. You two made me starve myself?!

Steve Smith:
It was him! [mentioning Flip Flop]

Frank Smith:
[to Steve] Well f*** you!

Pony:
Let's talk ideas.

Dr. Falgot:
I stick by what I've said for days. Let's just burn this whole place down, move to a new town, and start over.

Matt Attack:
I'm with the doctor.

Pony:
I say we listen to Sammy.

Dr. Falgot:
WHAT THE G-- YOU CANNOT BE BUYING THAT MYSTIC VOODOO CRAP!

Matt Attack:
Why'd you even ask us for our ideas?

[Pony listens to Sammy's plan]

Pony:
Hit me.

Sammy:
Well, it's just like the move "Wild Hogs". Legend has it, for every pack of pigs, there is one queen hog.

All:
John Travolota?

Sammy:
E-Exactly. Now, Travolta is holed up deep in the den we spotted. On the other side, it'll be guarded by three terrible pigs -- William H. Macy, Tim Allen, and that ravenous Martin Lawrence.

Sammy:
We'll have to get by them to even have a chance at Travolta. Now, you kill her and all the hogs will turn to dust. Mm-hmm. Magic hour, that's when we kill 'em.

Dr. Falgot:
That is the dumbest f***ing thing I've ever heard, and I have heard some dumb sh*t.

Pony:
Steve, you and Flip Flop approach William H. Macy from the south.

Steve Smith:
Oh, come on. Don't stick me with that a**hole!

Flip Flop:
No, Steve's too old. He'll slow me down.

[Pony slaps Flip Flop]

Pony:
Shut up, pink boys! When you're 200 klicks away, open fire. That will distract him.

Pony:
Falgot, you and Sammy do the same with Martin Lawrence. Be careful! He's buck wild.

Dr. Falgot:
Are you just doing the thing like in the movies where you pair up the people who are mad at each other so they'll resolve their sh--

Pony:
AND, Matt, you take B.C. and...who are you, again?

Aladdin:
Aladdin...I guess.

Pony:
You guys keep Tim Allen off me and Frank. We're gonna kill the Queen Travolta.

Frank Smith:
No. Maybe I should stay. You know, guard the chips.

Pony:
If those three hogs are still at the entrance when Frank and I get there, we're all dead pink boys, got it?

Flip Flop:
Yo! Why we pink boys?

Pony:
[out of character] It just sounds good.

Steve Smith:
You...you saved me.

Flip Flop:
Dude, I only pranked your brother to be like you, bro. You're my hero.

Steve Smith:
Yeah, I get that. Look, I'm sorry your girlfriend died, man. She was...pretty hot.

Pony:
Right here is the entrance to their tunnels.

Frank Smith:
Hey, do you think it's safe to maybe...just take a bite off of one of these dead -- Dead pigs?

[Frank sucks one of Queen Travolta's hog udders]

Frank Smith:
It's like liquid kettle corn! So salty and sweet and -- Oh!

[Aladdin gets killed by a hog]

Baby Cakes:
I wish you weren't dead. I wish you weren't dead.

[after the hogs get disintegrated from the bomb, Dr Falgot and Sammy were done kissing each other]

Dr. Falgot:
What have I done?

Sammy:
You done my ass is what you done.

[while the aftermath of the pigs getting exploded, Dean comes back to his on mode]

Pony:
[smokes a cigar] Feels good.

Dean:
[takes his cigar from Pony] I'm back in charge, Pone. Go back to eating sh*t or whatever it is Steve has you do.

Steve Smith:
Hey, man. Back when we were mad at each other, I set some revenge in motion, and I-I just feel really bad about it.

Flip Flop:
Oh! Hell, no! What was it? Was it funny?

Steve Smith:
[chuckles nervously] Yeah...um...you know, I know a guy in waste management, and I had him fill your parents' house with garbage. But let's do a loving cup and forget all about it, alright?

Flip Flop:
Yeah. Ha ha ha!

[after Steve and Flip Flop had their loving cup moment, Flip Flop open the door to his house and see his parents dead]

Flip Flop:
MOM! DAD! NO! YOUR FACE!

Steve Smith:
Oh, the garbage probably attracted the hogs, and then they ate your parents. That's my bad.

Matt Attack:
Man, these classes are getting too full. It ruins the educational intimacy. Even your crappy brother's class is full of folks.

[cuts to the next scene where Frank's class has a bunch of students in it making ruckus]

Frank Smith:
HEY! LISTEN TO ME, YOU RAT D*CKS!

Matt Attack:
It's too crowded, man.

Steve Smith:
You're right, Matt. I am the cooler brother.

Ronald Reagan:
Boy-oh, these low approval ratings got me crapping silly string.

Special Agent Green:
Oh, believe me. I know, President Reagan. Uh, it's just...a steep adjustment curve. The fact that you're not dead, that you're...magically president for the rest of your life, uh...Obama's disappearance...

Ronald Reagan:
Oh, man. They should just get over it.

Special Agent Green:
Ah! God damn right. Well, it might be time to focus on a social issue.

Ronald Reagan:
Yeah, you know what irks me? There's too many damn people around.

Special Agent Green:
Well, that's a tricky one, because --

Ronald Reagan:
[to cameraman] Hit the camera, sh*t eyes!

Ronald Reagan:
Hey, America. You know how there are just too many people on the planet? Yeah, well I'm gonna do you guys a favor and come up with a real deal solution for it. That's just the kind of f***ing cowboy I am.

Baby Cakes:
We could do chickies, or we could do fishes.

Pony:
You're indecisive about things that aren't even decisions. [to Steve] He sat in the office bathroom for at least two hours giggling.

Baby Cakes:
I can't decide between the toilet or the urinal or a pile of towels.

Pony:
People have needs! Bathroom needs.

Frank Smith:
Steve! I've picked my two, and I am going to win this year, brother of mine.

Pony:
Win what? Wait, what is this?

Frank Smith:
Well, b*tch, every semester we pick two students for each other.

Steve Smith:
Then the first of us to get his two students to have sex wins.

Pony:
...This is gross. [leaves the room]

Baby Cakes:
Hold on! We could do chickies or we could do fishies.

Ronald Reagan:
[on phone] Gov, it's Dutch. Come up with a f***ing fix for the overpopulation problem for me. I need a real deal solution. And I'm droning your ass until I get one!

[Governor calls Mayor]

Mayor:
This a man or a woman?

Governor:
Meh! It's a man! Your Gov, and I need you to come up with a solution to the world's overpopulation problem now! And I'm droning your ass until you fix this! Ah!

[Mayor calls Dean]

Mayor:
Dean got to figure out the world's overpopulation problem! Gov got a drone up ass until mayor come up with a solution!

Dean:
Hold on, hold on. This can be fun. I'm The Dean of a college, dude. I'll put together a think tank.

Frank Smith:
[to Sunshine] Hi. HEY, GIRL! Hi.

Sunshine:
Oh, hey there. Sorry. Can't get this metal goober to shoot.

Frank Smith:
Okay, look, I know a little someone who...loves you, okay? And this is a little picture of him, and I want you to f--- Just look at it.

[Sunshine sees a picture of Hoh-Hoh]

Sunshine:
Oh, my god. Look at him. I'd just love to cuddle up with that little bugger.

Frank Smith:
[chuckles] Really? Are you f***ing kidding me?

Sunshine:
Oh, he's just like a little jackrabbit I had back on the farm. Ooh! Just want to stuff him in my muffin.

Pony:
Geez, how many people can you pack into a place?

Baby Cakes:
Well, that depends on if the place has walls or not.

Dean:
Mayor, you got me droned along with you sorry ass. Damn thing's surveilling me 42/7.

Mayor:
Mayor knows that! You sure these are the best guys for the Think Tank?

Dean:
You can't have a team full of Babe Ruths.

Matt Attack:
This damn town has too many people, and I can't get drunk anymore.

[while one of the students and teachers are still inside of the Think Tank]

Crystal:
Is this one of my ambien dreams?

Dr. Falgot:
I found a crap bucket.

Cravid:
[holding his stomach] Oh, uh-oh. I don't want to be first, but I need to be first. Chili dogs.

Pony:
Guys, all we have to do to get out of here is come up with any one idea that we all agree on.

Pemsy:
Okay, that works.

Dr. Falgot:
Okay.

Pony:
Cool. Let's just say birth control and --

Baby Cakes:
What about lunch? We got to eat before we do any real deal thinking.

Dr. Falgot:
Y'all done Salad Palace? Ooh! Great burger.

Kim:
Uh, I can't eat from any place that prepares their food in the daytime. Otherwise, I'm cool.

Pemsy:
Oh! Maybe we could do Tapas. Let's just get a bunch of small plates and share.

Crystal:
No. We're already sharing a sh*t bucket. Leave us some dignity.

Pony:
Good breakfast? Cool. So, let's pick an idea, because I'm not sleeping in here again.

Baby Cakes:
Yeah, you're not looking so good.

[cuts to the next scene where Pony's face suddenly starts transforms into a dirty mexican in progress]

Baby Cakes:
Now I know why you want to stay in the bathroom.

Pony:
Oh, no. It's happening. I need my tweezers and retainer and a shower! I can't be in her another day! We got to agree on something now! The idea doesn't even have to be real. We just need to agree on something to get out.

Crystal:
What about how the chinese do the one-kid thing?

Pony:
Great! I vote on that! I vote.

Cravid:
Make everyone gay.

Pony:
Hold on. We already had an idea.

Kim:
Uh, what about, like, a death draft?

Crystal:
Ooh, wait. Let's get rid of all the men.

Pemsy:
We can flood the south.

Cravid:
Oh, let's do doo-doo d*cks. [to himself] No. Stop. Bad idea.

Baby Cakes:
Dude, there are no such thing as bad ideas in brainstorming.

Pony:
SHUT IT, B.C.! SHUT IT, B.C.! GOD! Look, all those in favor of flooding the south, raise your hand.

[6 people raises their hand except for Baby Cakes]

Baby Cakes:
Mm, I just think that's a mean idea to do.

Pony:
No! It's just a bull [bleep] idea for us to agree on. We're not really going to do it.

Cravid:
Wait. We're not really gonna do it?

Pemsy:
Well, that changes everything.

[everyone raised their hands down]

Pony:
[groans]

[after Steve let his sex addicitions attract Leslie instead of planning to combine a relationship with Leslie and Billy]

Frank Smith:
So, how was she?

Steve Smith:
How was who? What? I-I don't know what you mean.

Frank:
YES! You fell right into my trap! I knew you couldn't keep your dick out out of her pants.

Steve Smith:
Where are your shoes?

Frank Smith:
This is not about me.

Steve:
Well, how's your couple?

Frank Smith:
Uh, that girl is pretty f***ed up, okay? She is into my guy.

Steve Smith's Ego:
[to Steve] Oh, god. This is looking bad, Stevie.

Frank Smith:
Huh? What was that?

Steve Smith:
Nothing. It was nothing.

Frank Smith:
YES! You're talking to yourself. You always start calling yourself "Stevie" when you lose control. I have got you on the ropes!

Steve Smith:
No. That -- No. I...I am still gonna win.

Frank Smith:
Prove it.

Steve Smith:
Well, let's up the ante. Yeah. I'll bet you anything.

Frank Smith:
Head of The History Department?

Steve Smith:
Hey, Sunshine, um, uh, has my brother, uh, talked to you?

Sunshine:
Who's that?

Steve Smith:
Ugly dude, bob haircut, jagged teeth.

Sunshine:
Oh, yeah. Him.

Steve Smith:
Yeah, bet he's pushing that Hoh-Hoh kid on you, right?

Sunshine:
Oh, I Iove that little anal-mal man.

Steve Smith:
Okay, listen. Hoh-Hoh has...a little barbed penis, you know? Like a pig. It's, uh, from a surgery done in the Philippines, and you know, I think he might be from there.

Sunshine:
Oh, I know pig dick. I want no part of that. Good looking out.

Mayor:
Damn it! No flag! No ideas yet! Man can't crap or touch himself with these drones up ass all day and night!

Dean:
Ah, it's our conference call with Gov!

Mayor:
YOU BE QUIET!

[Mayor answers Governor's call]

Mayor:
Mayor here!

Governor:
You figure it out yet?

Dean:
Tell him these things take time.

Governor:
Who's that on this call? Is that The Dean?

Mayor:
Uh, no. No. Just Mayor. Trying to fix it.

Governor:
FIX IT! AH [hangs up]

[Governor gets a phone call from Ronald Reagan]

Ronald Reagan:
Where's that f***ing solution?

Governor:
[worried] Sir, I got my best people on it.

Pony:
Let's all just please vote on doo-doo d*cks. Please!

Baby Cakes:
But we don't want to make people get doo-doo replacements for their penises. That's crazy!

Crystal:
Or is it? I don't know. It might start a population war.

Kim:
Oh, man. A population war would suck.

Pony:
WHAT THE HELL IS A POPULATION WAR?!

Baby Cakes:
It's like one of those race wars but between populations.

Baby Cakes:
Now, who wants to talk about...dinner options?

Pony:
Son of a b*tch!

[Frank sees Hoh-Hoh's place of where he steal people's shoes and stuff under the bridge]

Frank Smith:
So...Hoh-Hoh is Hawaiian for troll?

Frank Smith:
Hey, girl! I found this sweet place under a bridge for you to f*** my friend.

Sunshine:
Oh, no. I heard that anal-mal man got a pig dick.

Frank Smith:
Pig dick?! Steve.

Frank Smith:
Did my brother talk to you?

Sunshine:
Who's your brother?

Frank Smith:
Ugly bald dude, glasses, good teeth.

Sunshine:
Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. That's him.

Frank Smith:
Okay, listen, my brother -- He is partly right, okay? Hoh-Hoh is special. Because if you have sex with him, your parents back home on the farm will have a resplendent crop this year.

Sunshine:
Are you for real?

Frank Smith:
Mm-hmm. It's an almanac thing, but you got to make love this moon cycle, so come on! Let's go!

Steve Smith (as Stevie):
[heard all the stuff that Frank while hiding behind the wall] DAMN IT!

Frank Smith:
Damn it! This bait isn't working. He's probably off somewhere just smacking a fish with a rock.

Sunshine:
Mm, he's such an anal-mal.

Frank Smith:
Look, you got to stop pronouncing it like that.

Sunshine:
Like what?

Frank Smith:
Like buttf***. You say "anal"-mal. It's animal, alright?

[Hoh-Hoh steals Sunshine's purse]

Sunshine:
Oh, he's got my certs! Oh, look how cute he is. I want to pet him with my lips and hair.

Frank Smith:
Hoh-Hoh, this is the woman you need to get into, okay? Here's some finger condoms for your little root, and --

[Hoh-Hoh bites Frank's hand and runs away]

Frank Smith:
OW!

Sunshine:
[sighs] Usually apaches are all over me. I know you want to make a love connection. I'm sorry. I'm a go home...unless you want to hang out.

Frank Smith:
F*** you! Get up there and mount that anal-mal's ass!

Steve Smith (as Stevie):
Transfer Billy! Hi. How's the first week going, man? So, tell me -- Tell me about yourself.

Billy:
Well, my parents died in this freak radioactive --

Steve Smith (as Stevie):
Awesome! So, like, who -- Who are you into these days, man?

Billy:
Well, I kind of like this girl named Pony.

Steve Smith (as Stevie):
Oh, yeah. Pony. Pony. Pony. Well, I can tell you that Pony doesn't know that you even exist.

Billy:
Well, maybe I just need to ask her out.

Steve Smith (as Stevie):
Look, I know Pony, okay? And the wise move here is to have sex with her friend, that girl Leslie. That will get Pony's attention. Yeah.

Billy:
Wouldn't that just turn Pony off?

Steve Smith (as Stevie):
It will get her jealous, alright? Women's engines feed off of jealousy.

Billy:
But how do we know that Leslie even wants to have sex with me?

Steve Smith (as Stevie):
Transfer Billy, leave that up to me, alright? I'm gonna get you guys a hotel suite. I'm gonna get you a hot tub. I'm gonna get you whipped cream and wine. You're gonna have strawberries on your ass, alright? There's gonna be a bass player in there just thumping away some dope-ass jam. There's gonna be a wall of mirrors, and then you're just gonna -- [slurred] You're just gonna...

[cuts to the next scene where Steve starts to have sex with Leslie again]

Steve's Ego:
Stevie, you handsome idiot! Why are you doing this?! You're the cooler brother, man!

Flip Flop:
Yo, it's the cooler brother!

Steve Smith (as Stevie):
Shut up, you rat dick!

Baby Cakes:
So, we all agree on the death draft?

Pony:
Yes! Yes! All in favor raise your hands.

Cravid:
This new turkish dude is making sense. [raises his hand]

Crystal:
Yes. [raises her hand]

Dr. Falgot:
Mm-hmm. [raises his hand]

Pemsy:
That works. [raises his hand]

Baby Cakes:
Or...do we flood the south?

Pony:
NO! You said that was a mean idea.

Baby Cakes:
Better get a Starbucks order going. I want a latte. No, wait. A mocha.

[everyone agreed except Pony]

Pony:
[close up to BC] Oh, my f***ing god.

Steve Smith (as Stevie):
Remember our plan. You play the hero.

Billy:
Yeah. You know I think you're right. Having sex with Leslie will be the best way to get Pony.

[Steve starts his first move on Leslie]

Steve Smith (as Stevie):
Leslie, it's me, Steve! I'm crazy now! I'm a school shooter!

Leslie:
Steve, is this a joke? We're dating.

Steve Smith (as Stevie) [gunshots]

[while Steve gunshot a couple rounds, one of the teacher and students inside the Think Tank]

Cravid:
Aah! Gunshots!

Crystal:
It's the population war!

Dr. Falgot:
It started.

Pemsy:
OH, MY GOD!

[Billy starts his move and beats up Steve]

Steve:
[bruised] Oh, sh*t!

Billy:
[to Leslie] May I buy you a drink?