Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #73

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 6,896 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Stroker:
Hey, don't worry, buddy. I'll pay you a cold million out of my billion. What do you say, Porsche? A million for everybody!

All:
Alright!

Coroner Rick:
Thank you, Stroker!

Stroker:
Wait, duh, how many millions in a billion?

Porsche:
$1,000.

Stroker:
$1,000? $100,000 for everybody!

All:
Alright!

Haitian Worker:
Alright!

Ansel:
Not so fast!

Porsche:
Ansel, you're alive!

Ansel:
That's right. Having the doctor repair the Ansel bear repaired me. [to Stroker] I don't know how to thank you.

Stroker:
Oh, I'm sure you can of something. Maybe a billion somethings?

Stroker & Ansel:
[laughs]

Ansel:
That's funny! Pay you a billion dollars. [laughs] Poor people say the darndest things.

Stroker:
No, seriously, that was the rate. A billion dollars for solving your murder.

Ansel:
But the only thing is I'm not dead.

Porsche:
Later, guys.

Stroker:
Dammit!

Haitian Worker:
So, no $100,000?

Ansel:
No, but I pulled some strings and got you a job in the Nike Factory.

Haitian Worker:
Would someone please make me undead again?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Hoop:
Were they able to revive the undead workers?

Coroner Rick:
Well, unfortunately, most of the undead are just plain dead now because we blew their brains out.

Double-Wide:
We were on a roll, man! A zombie-killing roll! [imitating gunfire] Die! Die!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[while Stroker and Porsche are hiding in another room]

Stroker:
That door won't hold forever, and I'm down to my last two bullets.

Porsche:
There's only one thing to do.

Stroker:
Open the door and g out in a blaze of glory?

Porsche:
I was thinking of having sex.

Stroker:
Now?

Porsche:
The fear of getting caught really makes me hot.

Stroker:
Well, alright.

[as Stroker unbutton his pants]

Hoop:
Stroker, open up. Stroker!

Porsche:
Wait, that's Hoop!

Stroker:
No, that's zombie moaning. They're gonna catch us. Does that turn you on?

Porsche:
Yes.

Hoop:
It's me, Hoop.

Stroker:
[to Porsche] They must have turned him into a zombie. [to Hoop] Not now, Hoop.

Hoop:
It's safe now. Coroner Rick called the Haitian Police.

Porsche:
Did he just say it's safe?

Stroker:
It's a trick.

[as Stroker was about to kiss Porsche, Hoop and the Haitian Police came in]

Stroker:
Dammit, Hoop!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Coroner Rick shoots the zombies but the gun only shoots a flashlight out on them]

Coroner Rick:
What the hell?

Double-Wide:
[laughs] That's pure sunshine. It's like acid to zombies.

Porsche:
Isn't that vampires?

Double-Wide:
Zombies, too! That's why they called it "Night of the Living Dead". They wouldn't call it "Day of the Dead".

Coroner Rick:
That was THE SEQUEL!

Double-Wide:
Oh, crap.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Gary:
Well, well, well. I see we've been watching Discovery Channel? The "close your eyes and hold your breath" trick won't work this time.

Hoop:
There's one thing I have to know. Why did you send Ansel Candler a voodoo doll? What's your evil plan?

Gary:
There's no plan. Zombies are just stupid. You tell them to make a teddy bear, and sometimes they screw up and make a voodoo doll. A few customers get killed. It's just the cost of doing business.

Hoop:
You greedy bastard. What happened to your hippie ideal?

Gary:
Greedy? I donate a half percent of net profits from rainforest bear to the Amazon.

Hoop:
Hey, by the way, what ever happened to the rainforest? I completely lost track.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Hoop:
We zombies are going on strike! We want better rages, more brains, and a microwave in the break room.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Hoop creates a Coroner Rick voodoo doll to send a message to the crew]

Coroner Rick:
Ow! Dammit, Porsche! I told you no fingernails on the back!

Porsche:
I'm not!

Coroner Rick:
OW! Dammit, Double-Wide. You, too.

Double-Wide:
It's not me, man.

Coroner Rick:
AAAH! MY BACK! MY BACK!

Double-Wide:
Hold on. It's writing.

[Double-Wide reads the letters on Coroner Rick's back while it writes]

Double-Wide:
"Help! I'm trapped at the New Hampshire Fuzzy Bear Factory". It must be from Hoop!

Coroner Rick:
Can't that mother abbreviate "N.H."? N.H.

Double-Wide:
[continues reading] "It's in Haiti...1341 Port Av Prince Boulevard Northwest".

Coroner Rick:
[still in pain]

Double-Wide:
"It's swarming with (please turn to front)

Coroner Rick:
Damn it!

[switches the side of Coroner Rick's stomach to finish the message]

Double-Wide:
"Zombies! Bring help! Thanks, your pal, Hoop". Wow, zombies!

Coroner Rick:
Oh, thank god that's over.

[Hoop continues to write one last thing]

Coroner Rick:
[screams in torture]

Double-Wide:
"P.S...."

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Gary sees a zombie making a voodoo doll]

Gary:
Another voodoo doll? I have to keep my eyes on you zombies every second. STOP MAKING VOODOO DOLLS! [beats him up] I HAVE TOLD YOU! I'VE TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU!

Gary:
Damn, it's unsatisfying beating a zombie.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Coroner Rick sees a teddy bear version of Hoop and a note]

Coroner Rick:
[reads] "Twapped with Stwoker in Haitian Fuzzy Bear Factowy! Need immediate wescue! Pwease send Help! -- Hoopie Bear".

Coroner Rick:
I can't believe those guys are still screwing around in New Hampshire.

Double-Wide:
Ah, yeah. I can't keep up this orgy much longer. The mozzarella sticks are backing up on me.

Porsche:
That's why the Romans invented the Vomitorium. [vomits on the bucket] Ah, that's better. Now, who wants a blow job?

Coroner Rick:
No, thanks.

Double-Wide:
I'm cool. Thanks, Porsche. [changes his mind for a few seconds] Ah, what the hell?

Porsche:
Wait -- No, wait. Hold on again. [throw up once more]

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Stroker eats brains while being a zombie]

Stroker:
This is disgusting. I hate myself.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Hoop:
Oh, my god. They're using zombies for cheap labor. Those greedy bastards.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

C.A.R.R.:
Hold it, right there!

Double-Wide:
C.A.R.R.? What are you doing here?

C.A.R.R.:
Stroker asked me to keep an eye on you keeping an eye on Coroner Rick. This case sucks. I feel like Aquaman when there's trouble in the Sahara.

Porsche:
Who is it, Double-Wide?

Double-Wide:
It's Stroker's car.

Porsche:
Ask him if he wanna have sex with us.

Double-Wide:
Hey, C.A.R.R., do you want to -- [to Porchse] What? It's a car!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Porsche:
Oh, my god, Coroner Rick. I didn't know Coroner's carried a night stick.

Coroner Rick:
That's not a night stick. [laughs]

Porsche:
And Double-Wide, I didn't know mechanics used, uh, Chapstick.

Double-Wide:
That's not Chapstick. [laughs] Wait a minute.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[when Stroker and Hoop are trapped in coffins after getting blown from zombie powder]

Hoop:
[thinking] I sure hope Stroker thought to close his eyes and hold his breath when the guy blew the zombie powder on our faces. You really do learn a lot on the Discovery Channel.

Stroker:
[thinking] So, this is how it ends? Brief stinging, followed by numbness, and then a hunger for brains. How long is a flight to Haiti? I gotta...I gotta take a dump. Do zombies take dumps? Ah, they eat brains. You'd think they'd have to.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Witch Doctor:
You want them dead or undead.

Gary:
Undead.

Hoop:
Just plain not dead would be even better.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Stroker and Hoop hide above the ceiling in Gary's Office when Gary arrives]

Gary:
[on phone] Hello, security, there's two guys hanging from my ceiling. I don't know why they think I can't see them.

Stroker:
We know all about the voodoo, Gary! And there's two of us and one of you. We've still got the upper hand.

[Hoop's gun then slips out of his pocket and falls into Gary's desk]

Hoop:
Oops. I probably should have zipped that up, huh?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Gary:
Hey, folks, you want to see our newest model? It's the latest from our religious line. Our nativity bears were such a success, we knew we had to complete it with this.

[Gary pulls a teddy bear stuck to a cross that says "The Pain Is Un-Bearable"]

Stroker:
Oh, this is unbearable.

Hoop:
Or as I like to say, unbearable. Ha, oh, wait.

Stroker:
Let's go look for evidence.

Hoop:
Or as I like to say, bearedence.

Stroker:
Or as I like to say, everbear.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Coroner Rick opens Porsche's bathroom and sees Double-Wide taking a dump]

Double-Wide:
Well, ever heard of knocking, Coroner Rick? Jeez.

Coroner Rick:
What the hell are you doing here, Double Wide?

Double-Wide:
Stroker called from New Hampshire and asked me to check in on you. I wonder why. Real nice can you got here, Porsche. [laughs] Although the monogrammed toilet paper is a bit much.

Porsche:
Those are hand towels.

Double-Wide:
Oh. GOTCHA! I was totally kidding. [sees the toilet overflowed]

Double-Wide:
Got anything to nosh down in the kitchen?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Coroner Rick:
I find a bubble bath is just the thing to wash away your sorrows and the smell of dead people.

[Porsche kisses Coroner Rick]

Coroner Rick:
Wow! Ok! For once, this is going how I fantasized it.

Porsche:
Forgive my boldness, Coroner Rick. It's just that I haven't been laid properly in a month.

Coroner Rick:
You're in luck, Porsche. Years of dissecting genitalia have made me an expert lover.

Porsche:
...

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Doctor tries to fix a teddy bear]

Doctor:
Nurse, I need 3 CCS of loving care, stat! Clamps! Stuffing, more stuffing, come on. Keep it coming! New eye.

[Nurse gives him an eye]

Doctor:
Dammit, Nurse! This is a vest button! Does this look like an eye to you!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Tour Guide:
This is our TLC Ward where out trained actors fix up well-loved bears with a little tender loving care.

Stroker:
Or as you like to say, "Tender Loving Bear".

Tour Guide:
[pissed] Would you like to do this tour, sir, because that can be arranged, ok?

Stroker:
Uh, no. Sorry. [to Hoop] But I would like to see her bare breasts.

Tour Guide:
What did you just say?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Tour Guide:
Welcome to the New Hampshire Fuzzy Bear Factory. We're busy little bears, so we ask that everyone wear a hard hat during the tour. Here you go, sir.

Stroker:
Yeah, I don't want head lice.

Tour Guide:
Oh, who's the grumpy grizzly?

Hoop:
She got you, Stroker.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Porsche:
[crying] Ansel ordered the bear! I had nothing to do with it! You gotta believe me! You just gotta--

Stroker:
Just calm down, Porsche.

Porsche:
You got to! If you help me, [stops crying] I'll sleep with you. [goes back to crying]

Stroker:
I -- I believe you. I was just testing you. Now, calm down. [slaps Porsche]

Hoop:
Hey, you can't slap a woman. [slaps Stroker]

Stroker:
It was a "Regain your composure" slap. [slaps Hoop]

Hoop:
I don't care! [slaps Stroker]

Stroker:
They do it in the movies. [slaps Hoop]

Hoop:
1950s movies. [slaps Stroker]

[Stroker slaps Hoop multiple times]

Hoop:
Truce, truce, truce!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Porsche:
[singing] Ding dong, the Ansel's dead, the wic--

[sees Stroker and Hoop when she stopped singing]

Porsche:
[fake crying] Oh, Ansel.

Stroker:
I gotta hand it to you, Porsche.

Porsche:
Sorry?

Stroker:
Hiring me was a nice touch. Make you look innocent. But you didn't count on me discovering your little voodoo doll, did you? Do I look like your chump? Your patsy? You voodoo murdering gold-digging whore!

Porsche:
It's true, I stomped on it, but only because it's a crappy gift. I didn't know --

Hoop:
It is a crappy gift.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

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