Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #74

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 6,896 quotes total — keep up the great work!

[after Stroker accepts Porsche's case, his black girlfriend arrives]

Sunshine:
You Stroker? I'm Sunshine from Budget Escort Services.

Stroker:
Uh, he, uh... [german voice] He no live here no more. I'm Hans from Germany.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Porsche:
Mr. Stroker?

Stroker:
You're not black.

Porsche:
No, I'm not.

Stroker:
But I'm not complaining.

Porsche:
That's good.

Stroker:
How much for everything?

Porsche:
I was going to ask you that.

Stroker:
Well, what do I get to do?

Porsche:
You got to solve the murder of Ansel Candler.

Stroker:
Uh, is that like shaking hands with the bishop, 'cause I was hoping more for something like... [whispered to Porsche's ear]

Porsche:
...

Stroker:
Oh, wait, murder of Ansel Candler! That's a case!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[after Porsche destroys the teddy bear voodoo of Ansel, she comes back to the room and see his real Ansel dead]

Porsche:
[screams] I mean ca-ching!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Porsche:
Can you believe we've been married one whole month, Ansel?

Ansel:
Put your boobs on my face.

Porsche:
But, wait, Ansel, what about your heart condition?

Ansel:
Read your damn prenup, woman. Boobs, face!

Porsche:
You read the prenup. You're supposed to shower me in gifts. Shower, gifts!

[Ansel gives her a big gift]

Porsche:
Oh, yay! It's awfully big for jewelry.

[Porsche opens the present and sees a teddy bear version of Ansel himself]

Ansel:
A new hampshire fuzzy bear personalized to look like me.

Porsche:
[reads the note] "Ansel Bear wuvs to get busy with u". [sarcastic] How precious. Let me just take it in the other room so I won't spill wine on it, ok?

Ansel:
Don't take long. I've only got a half hour left in my erection.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Hoop:
Hey, C.A.R.R.

Stroker:
Having second thoughts about coming back now that we're big tv stars, huh?

C.A.R.R.:
Kind of. Light 100's parent company decided to change our format to alt-country, so I got fired.

Hoop:
I thought things were going so well.

C.A.R.R.:
Ah, Gangland Slayings didn't work the same magic for light hits as they did for rap. After the decapitation of Carly Simon, pretty much everyone went into hiding.

Stroker:
It's a fickle business. One minute you're a fading star, the next you've been reborn as a decapitated diva.

C.A.R.R.:
Bippity-Boppity. I was a DJ, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. It's not even my size.

Hoop:
C.A.R.R.! SHOWING LIGHT 100 COLORS IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD? ARE YOU CRAZY?!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[after shooting a court scene for a series]

Stroker:
Hey, thanks again for the guest starring roles, Homicidal Rapist.

Hoop:
It's sure going to be a thrill to see my name speed by in the squeezed credits under the starts of the local news.

MC Homicidal Rapist:
It was the least I could do. After all, it was your idea I take credit for accidentally shooting Lil' Rapist and TJ. Sure pushed that Eminem movie out of everybody's minds.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[after Lil' Rapist was dead, he still has a bit of health left of him and starts to shoot TJ the DJ's arm]

TJ the DJ:
Hey, oh! That has got to hurt! [weakly normal voice] Yes, it does. [falls down]

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[as Chico shoots Lil' Rapist, Chico then revealed himself to be Corner Rick all along]

Hoop:
Coroner Rick?

Coroner Rick:
That's right! [laughs]

Hoop:
Where in the world did you get a mask of Chico?

Coroner Rick:
Oh, I didn't. I just cut Chico's face off and used it to disguise myself. You want to try it on?

Stroker:
Uh, no, thanks.

TJ the DJ:
Ho! Forget the lemonade stand. I think I dropped a dump in the old dockers, folks. I'm freakin' dying inside but my voice remains unchanged.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Hoop:
So when are we gonna see Homicidal Rapist?

Stroker:
Sorry, Hoop. They're making me kill you and TJ.

Hoop:
What?

TJ the DJ:
Hey, hey, kill us? Well, that just put some lemonade in the old levis. I'm friggin' terrified here, but years of talking like this have made me unable to express it.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[while Stroker gets pointed with a gun from Lil' Rapist]

Stroker:
Uh, Homicidal Rapist wanted me to invite you all to his mansion as a special thank you for making him look like such a swell guy.

Hoop:
Aw, Homicidal just gets sweeter and sweeter.

Stroker:
Yeah, he wants to *shoot* the breeze. It's a great *set up*.

Hoop:
Thar sounds fun!

C.A.R.R.:
Yeah, we're about to do a creed 3-fer and we're good to go.

TJ the DJ:
With arms wide open.

Stroker:
Uh, hey, Rick, how's your Sister, Indanja?

Coroner Rick:
What? Oh, you know I don't have a sister, Stroker. [phone rings] I wish I could join you, but somebody just shot up a bunch of fellas at the motel. Hey, you want me to show you guys to the prize closet?

Lil' Rapist:
That's ok. We gotta get going anyway.

Stroker:
Hey, C.A.R.R., uh, can you play Bruce Springsteen's "Look Out, There's A Gun At My Back"?

C.A.R.R.:
That's classic rock. We're adult contemporary.

Stroker:
Damn it, how about Lionel Ritchie's "You Guys Are Morons"?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Stroker:
What the hell? C.A.R.R., you're a DJ? Coroner Rick?

Coroner Rick:
I heard C.A.R.R. on the radio and I had to come right down. Check it out. I got a Light 100 t-shirt, zoo crew coffee mug, water bottle, coaster--

C.A.R.R.:
Put the coaster back. We're almost out of coasters.

Coroner Rick:
I can't. I already rested my drink on it.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

TJ the DJ:
Hey, Hoop, I understand you've got some exclusive web content for our light listeners.

Hoop:
That's right. You may have heard the name MC Homicidal Rapist. He's a rap star.

C.A.R.R.:
That's the music without any melody that angry black gangstas play to get under our skin.

[cuts to the next scene where MC Homicidal is listen to the Light 100 broadcast on radio while driving]

Hoop:
Actually, he's not a gangster at all. He's a total sweetheart.

MC Homicidal Rapist:
[stops the car] What the fizz...

TJ the Dj:
And if you're as sick of all the posturing and so-called urban music as I am, you are gonna love this.

MC Homicidal Rapist:
Oh, god, no.

Lil' Rapist:
You know what? I'm really gonna enjoy killing those two.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

C.A.R.R.:
[on phone] Heyo!

Hoop:
C.A.R.R., quick computer question.

C.A.R.R.:
Greeting, light hits lovers. This is Wheelie the Light 100 Funmobile!

Hoop:
What?

C.A.R.R.:
I'm spinning all your favorite light hits right now, so I can't get to the phone, but you can meet me in person at Bob Boomer Auto today from 7:00 to noon. Keep it light, people. You know I will. And if this is Stroker, screw you, you incompetent bastard. [hangs up]

[Hoop calls the number again]

Hoop:
Hey, Wheelie, this is Hoop. I'm coming down there. I need your help.

[after Hoop leaves]

Hoop:
[gets back on phone] Also can you play "Total Eclipse of The Heart" for my Mom? Light 100 is the best! Bippity-boppity! [leaves]

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Lil' Rapist:
Whassup, b*tches?

Stroker:
What do you want, Lil' Rapist?

Lil' Rapist:
Here to see if I should murder your asses.

Stroker:
We got the tapes.

Lil' Rapist:
Damn. You got any chocolate cookies, b*tch?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Stroker:
You got the tapes?

Chico:
You got the money?

Hoop:
[brings up camera] First I sample the merchandise.

[Hoop plays one of the videotapes in the camera]

Stroker:
What do you see?

Hoop:
That's MC Homicidal Rapist. Alright.

Chico:
Wait till you see the [bleep] kittens. I still get nightmares.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[after C.A.R.R. gets traded from a car sale]

Used Car Salesman:
[to a customer] Well, this little beauty was actually owned by a mechanic. New tires.

C.A.R.R.:
A-hole.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Hoop:
How much you want for them, bro?

Chico:
Heh heh. How much you got?

Hoop:
How does 800 big ones sound?

Chico:
800K? Cool.

Hoop:
Oh, I'm sorry. 800 little ones.

Chico:
Meet me at that seedy motel across the street in exactly 12 hours. [leaves]

Hoop:
I wonder why seedy means crappy. I mean, seeds are miraculous. Fruit grows from them.

Coroner Rick:
You'll have to figure that out without me, fellas. I can't hang with this gangsta lifestyle no more.

Hoop:
Too many hoes and ass whippings for your taste, Coroner Rick?

Coroner Rick:
No, man. It's all that second-hand smoke.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Chico:
Yo, I heard you was looking for the tapes.

Hoop:
You know who has them?

Chico:
I seen them myself, man. There's some seriously twisted [bleep].

Coroner Rick:
Like what?

Chico:
Brother, you don't want to know.

Coroner Rick:
Come on, come on, I'm a Coroner. Brown showers? Beastiality?

Chico:
Worse.

Coroner Rick:
Electric genital torture? Oh, ritual anal mutilations?

Chico:
...

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Stroker and Hoop gets bailiffed from the club]

Stroker:
Get your hands off me. This is the V.I.P. lounge, b*tch. I want my courvoisier.

Hoop:
Tell Preposterous to get a rhyming dictionary! Rub -- [gets slapped] -- Grub -- [slapped] -- Dub. [slapped] OUCH!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Stroker:
[drunk] I'm not self-conscious anymore. I'm dancing. Look at me, I'm dancing. I'm gonna be dead in 18-- [looks at his clock] 16 hours, but I'm finally dancing.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Preposterous:
No need to fight. No need to fuss. What you want with Preposterous?

Hoop:
Mr. Rapist sorely misses his home videotapes, Mr. Rous. They were important documents in his life history, and we'd be willing to pay for their safe return. As much as, say, um, $800?

Preposterous:
I don't need to plead my innocence. I'm as not guilty as 1,000 tents.

Hoop:
Huh, ok. I can go to $900?

Preposterous:
You say I stole the videotapes? But I was at home...eating grapes.

Hoop:
Were you really eating grapes or did you just say that for the rhyme?

Preposterous:
What you doing in my club? 'Cause I don't like you in my club.

Hoop:
I'm sorry, but strictly speaking, club is not a rhyme with club.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Hoop:
How much for a cranapple?

Bartender:
7.

Hoop:
How much to speak to Preposterous?

Bartender:
Depends on who's asking?

Hoop:
Close personal friend of MC Homicidal Rapist. He wants to close the book on this little rivalry.

Bartender:
You don't look like most of the fellas from his crew.

Hoop:
How do most of the fellas look?

Bartender:
Black.

Hoop:
Well, maybe you'd like to say hello to my little black friend...Sanchez.

[shows his cellphone of Homicidal's black goat]

Hoop:
One of the goats in Homicidal's Petting Zoo. [shows another of pic of Homicidal getting bruised by a mob] I'm really pleased with how this one came out. Good composition.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Stroker:
[drunk] African-American, black-- All I know is I've got $1,500 to my name. And I'm spending it on Cristal for my ladies!

Coroner Rick:
Stroker, that's your bribe money.

Stroker:
Bribes are for wimps. Cristal is for pimps.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Stroker and Hoop disguised themselves as hip-hop gangsters to get inside the club]

Stroker:
This is really embarrassing, Coroner Rick. Nice going, buddy.

Coroner Rick:
Maybe next time you should buy some disguises instead of borrowing crap from my closet. Now, I'm gonna go see how long the wait is. [leaves]

Stroker:
[to Hoop] He's black. He should know about culture.

Coroner Rick:
What did you say?

Stroker:
I said you're African-American. You should know about your own culture.

Coroner Rick:
So it's African-American to my face and black behind my back, huh?

Stroker:
I'm just saving on syllables.

Coroner Rick:
Uh-huh.

Hoop:
African-American is a lot of syllables.

Stroker:
You wouldn't say African-American on African-American violence, would ya?

Coroner Rick:
Not if I were you. I wouldn't say another word around here.

[Stroker sees another black guy looking deadly straight at him]

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

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