Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #69

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 5,730 quotes total — keep up the great work!

[Jon and Rob found that the hobo that David and Tatiana were fighting was actually Chris from the Good Guys Club last night]

Jon:
I especially want to to thank Chris for drinking behind our back, dressing up as a hobo, and trying to scare the kids into going home. At least, I think that's what he was doing. I honestly have no [bleep] idea. In any case, we all know what came next. David got laid.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[David and Tatiana shared their story of how they become lost]

David:
When it became obvious that our families didn't want us together, I decided we should run away.

Tatiana:
We stayed under a pier at Jones Beach.

David:
We were approached by a hobo. He attacked us.

Tatiana:
David was foolish, did not think we needed protection.

David:
For protection, I had brought a knife from Mom's kitchen.

Tatiana:
Thankfully, I had spiked brass knuckles, Sergei gave me.

David:
We managed to...get past him pretty quickly.

Tatiana:
David was crying and scared.

David:
He managed to get ahold of Tatiana.

Tatiana:
I pound his face repeatedly with brass knuckles.

David:
And I-I killed him.

Tatiana:
And I hear screaming and then nothing.

David:
But that night, we made love for the first and final time under the stars.

Tatiana:
David was still crying and scared, so...I take him by hand, and we walk together.

Pavel:
[to Tatiana] I'm proud of you. You kill your first hobo.

Jon:
[to David] I'm proud of you. You got laid.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[after hiring the hollywood writers to do the job]

Rob:
Hey, hey, hey, you know what? [bleep] [bleep] THIS HOLLYWOOD [bleep] OKAY?! AND [bleep] THE FBI! Jon, this is a job for the Good Guys.

[Jon throws him a good guys club member jacket and for himself]

Jon:
This isn't a hollywood movie, this is life! I don't need a bunch of writers coming up with fake lines. I need someone to GET ME BACK MY SON!

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Jon:
I can't just sit here and do nothing! I have to be out there, trying to help. Anything could be going on with him right now. He could be dead.

Mighty Joe Jon:
You know, Jon, after 9/11, the government hired a bunch of hollywood writers to come up with scenarios with which the terrosits would attack the United States.

Mighty Joe Jon:
It's an idea.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[Greg sees Rob wearing a Good Guy Club Member jacket]

Greg DiPietro:
What the [bleep] are you wearing?

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Jon:
Oh, my god.

Kim:
What?

Jon:
I've got a ton of texts from Susan asking me to call her. I guess someone's still cuckoo for Jonny Puffs.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[after the Good Guys members annoy Susan with the doo-wops]

Jon:
[on his phone] Uh-oh. It's Susan! Voice mail! [laughs]

Jon:
Now, uh, where were we?

Jeff:
[imitating Susan] Hey! Shut the [bleep] up!

Chris:
She looked crazy, man.

Jon:
[on his phone] Whoa, Susan call number 2.

Chris:
OH, NO!

Jon:
Take it easy, Madonna. No one's desperately seeking Susan.

All:
[laughter]

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added 2 months ago

[meanwhile at the Good Guys Club]

Chris:
I can't believe you kissed her.

Jon:
Hey, look, I know. I'm sorry. Okay? It was a moment of weakness.

Chris:
You're supposed to call one of us before something like that happens.

Rob:
Hey, hey. Cut the guy a break, okay? We all know how sexual and alluring Susan can be. That could've happened to any one of us.

Rob:
I wish it'd happened to me.

Jeff:
Me too.

Matt:
Me too.

Jon:
...Me too.

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added 2 months ago

Jon:
You want me to be the one to break the news to Darren that Jonny's back?

Susan:
Mmm...

Jon:
That was a pretty powerful speech, huh?

Susan:
Actually, the whole thing kind a-of sickened me.

[Darren comes back with the vase of flowers]

Jon:
Susan and I made out last night.

Darren:
Yeah, I know. It was the first thing she told me when I got home. Talking about it sickened her. I cleaned up her puke. But what I'm wondering is, did you tell your girlfriend?

Jon:
You can't tell me what to do, man. You don't own me. I'm not your slave, racist. Bet if this guy had a time machine, he wouldn't go back and kill Hitler. He'd just go back and get more slaves. Yeah, I'm right. Look at that. You can tell.

Susan:
It is very clear to me that this sweet, sweet man is the one. And that's why last night, um...I proposed to him after he cleaned up my barf.

Darren:
And I accepted.

Jon:
ROB!

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

David:
Guys, what you're trying to is really transparent and annoying.

Susan:
Oh, no, sweetie. What was annoying was your father constantly working, and then he became emotionally detached.

Jon:
You know what, Susan? [bleep] you for not appreciating the life that I worked my ass off to give you.

Susan:
The life of incessant boredom? The part where there was absolutely no interest in the bedroom, lack of interest completely --

Jon:
Oh, there was plenty of interest in the bedroom -- On my part.

Susan:
Okay.

Jon:
On my part, okay?

Susan:
Right.

Jon:
I'm not the one who wouldn't spank your lady chicken.

Susan:
OH!

David:
Are you serious?

Susan:
THANK YOU FOR BRINGING THAT UP. How dare you?

Jon:
What? How dare I what? These kids are old enough to hear about lady chickens.

Susan:
Jon, that's enough.

Jon:
It's enough?

Susan:
It's enough.

Jon:
Really? Like it was enough for you to bang every single guy in the secret service who came your way? I'm sure you let them spank your lady chicken.

[Susan goes upstairs]

Jon:
[to David and Tatiana] This your future, by the way, if you two stay together. [heads to Susan upstairs]

Tatiana:
What is a lady's chicken?

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[Jon and Rob check to see if his son skipped another class until he was just meeting his girlfriend]

Jon:
Oh, man. I thought he was, like, meeting up with some stoner kids or something, or, like, some hippies or religious freaks. Man! Whew! Thank god.

Rob:
Just a young man doing what comes natural.

Jon:
Well, let's just hope he doesn't get his heart broken. His cherry, on the other hand, good riddance. [laughs]

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Jon:
First order of business of the day is Susan's new boyfriend. Of course, you all know who I'm talking about -- Darren Kelly.

Jeff:
Good guy?

Rob:
Good guy. Real good guy.

Jon:
Solid guy. I was just at Susan's recently, and I got to witness firsthand how he has been completely blinded by her charms. [sighs] Like we all were.

Chris:
Hey, hey, come on. If Susan could see us now, she'd see a roomful of good guys. If she knew about the Good Guys Club, it'd drive her crazy.

Rob:
You know what really drives Susan crazy? Doo-wop.

Matt:
Ugh, tell me about it.

Jeff:
Really.

Rob:
Oh, yeah, yeah. I bought her tickets to Sha Na Na, she told me to wipe my ass with them. I didn't of course.

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added 2 months ago

Rob:
You know I meant it when I said that you were a good guy. I mean, we're both good guys, right?

Jon:
Of course we are. Susan always makes us feel otherwise.

Rob:
I know all the other agents who came before me -- They're all good guys.

[Jon stops]

Rob:
What?

Jon:
I bet they all feel the same way we do.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Jon:
Hey, you know what? You could get a gay martian robot for a federal agent. It doesn't matter.

Susan:
What are you talking about?

Jon:
I'm talking about Darren moving in and you getting a chick federal agent. That's what I'm talking about. We all know you're gonna dump him.

Susan:
[scoffs] You're just jealous.

Jon:
Susan, the only one around here who's jealous is a-you, my dear, okay? It's a-you. I'm buddies with one of your ex-boyfriends, and it could not be driving you more a-cuckoo-a-crazy.

Susan:
Well, of course you're buddies. All of my discarded pieces of garbage have something in common.

Rob:
What's so weird about me and Jon being friends? Y'know, a lot of the nasty things you said about him aren't true. Anyway, my point is, overall, Jon's a good guy. And I'm a good guy... [to Darren] No matter what you're telling him.

Susan:
The only thing I'm telling Darren is to come upstairs and make sweet love to me as soon as you guys leave.

Gail:
Awkward!

Jon:
[laughs] Gail, out of the park!

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Darren:
Susan will be right down with the last of your things.

Rob:
I could have gone upstairs and got it. I don't know why she has to bother.

Darren:
She didn't really want you to our bedroom.

Jon:
Aaaawkwaard! [laugh] Eech.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Jon:
How was school?

David:
Fine.

Jon:
Alright. Classes good?

David:
Yeah.

Jon:
Awesome, man. You want to do, like, a father/son rap session -- Talk about school and stuff?

David:
No.

Jon:
You sure?

David:
Yeah.

Jon:
Oh, man, that's funny, 'cause your teacher told me you're skipping school.

David:
Oh, my god. Fine. I skipped a few classes to get lunch with some friends. Chill. Are you happy now? Really, relax. It's not a big deal.

Jon:
That's all it was?

David:
What a crime. Call the principal.

Jon:
Okay, I-I get it.

David:
Send me to prison.

Jon:
I get it! Relax. Excuse me for trying to be a cool, involved dad.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Ms. Lloyd:
Oh, hey, Jon. I didn't know you were coming by today.

Jon:
Oh, yeah, thought I'd surprised David with a little Dad pick-up.

Ms. Lloyd:
Actually, I needed to talk to you, so...

Jon:
Oh, uh, well, Ms. Lloyd, I am flattered, but I don't really think it's appropriate for us to bang bods.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Sergei:
THREE CHEERS FOR IGOR PACHENKO, THE GREAT RUSSIAN TRAIN ROBBER! HIP HIP HOORAY! HIP HIP HOORAY! HIP HIP HOORAY! [laughs]

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Mighty Joe Jon:
Knock, knock, bitch! Did you tell your Dad that Delocated got the Jewish Ghost budget?

David:
No, I made up a story about an RV company buying him out. I wanted him to think that he came up with the solution to his problems -- You know, make the star of the show happy.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Impressive. Maybe someday I'll give you a raise.

David:
Or maybe someday I'll take your job. [chuckles]

Mighty Joe Jon:
...Or maybe someday you'll be fired.

David:
Someday as in today?

Mighty Joe Jon:
Yep. Right now. Bye-bye, bitch!

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[David sees Jon as a homeless person after his RV got towed]

David:
Dad.

Jon:
[slurring] W-What's that? We got caramelized onions in the fridge.

Jon:
I'm homeless, David. Your Dad is homeless.

David:
My Dad is wasted.

Jon:
What, I can still do a Jewish Ghost cameo. OOOOOOY VEY!

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[Sergei founds Scott Wolf in the restroom]

Scott Wolf:
Why are you doing this?! Please don't kill me.

Sergei:
Oh, I'm not going to kill you. He is.

[Yvgeny arrives dressing up as Igor Pachenko with his theme music]

Yvgeny (as Igor Pachenko):
I am Igor Pachenko, the Great Russian Train Robber! Stop this train at once!

Scott Wolf:
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Did Mighty Joe Jon put you up to this? Is this a joke?

Yvgeny (as Igor Pachenko):
I never joke about robbing trains.

Sergei:
FINISH HIM, IGOR PACHENKO!

[Yvgeny uses a long silk sheet to choke Scott Wolf to death]

Yvgeny:
And scene.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Jon:
Welcome to the Street Stretch B&B. I'm your host, Jon. This is, uh, Rob with the bags. Everything okay?

Husband Steinberg:
Your website didn't mention anything about the B&B being in an RV.

Jon:
Uh, yes. That was intentional, uh, because, as we all know, uh...people that like B&Bs are all about the vench -- The, uh -- The adventure.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Jon:
[maine accent] Say, there, welcome to the B&B. How about some cherry pie, there? Have a slice?

Rob:
Sounds a little irish, I think.

Jon:
No, that's Maine.

Rob:
Maine?

Jon:
[maine accent] Some cherry -- Taste you real nice, there. Say, there.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

David:
Look, Jon. I was gonna shoot you and e-mail about this, but...you got to start paying your rent next week or you're getting kicked out of your apartment. Dad, you already have a place to stay, and it's all paid for.

Jon:
Thank you, David. At least there's somebody around here that understands that I'm the one that should be living in the sweet loft.

David:
I-I meant the RV.

[MJJ takes a picture of Jon's anger face]

Mighty Joe Jon:
That's going on Facebook.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

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