Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #68

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 5,730 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Marie:
This name, "Knock, Knock. Who's There? Vodka" -- What does that mean to you?

Yvgeny:
It's from my time as a stand up comedian. Knock Knock joke. You know -- Knock, knock. Who's there? Moscow. Moscow who? Ma's cow died. I guess we'll have to eat our cereal with vodka.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[T.B. appears and sees Jon falls in love remembering Susan as one of Susan's clothing]

TB:
Burritos are here. Good news -- They put an extra one in by accident.

Jon:
[sighs] Um... [clears throat] Good. What'd they give us?

TB:
There's an extra bean and cheese burrito.

Jon:
Oh, yeah, cool. You want that one, or you -- You want to take that one? Why don't you eat it?

TB:
No. You know me. I'll take whatever's left over.

Jon:
[sighs] Um...sorry. I'm sorry you saw this.

TB:
No need to apologize. Everyone has their own way of grieving.

Jon:
Thank you.

TB:
You need some help? You could close your eyes and pretend this is Susan's hand. It's not a sexual thing. It's a warrior thing.

Jon:
Yeah, I understand. I would rather do this, uh, I think, on my own.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Jon:
Homework. Little math. That was one of my top 5 subs. Yeah, you want to carry the 9.

David:
No, Dad. It's fine as it is.

Jon:
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's wrong.

David:
Dad, you don't have to carry the 9. It's fine.

Jon:
Alright. Don't blame me when you get a "G".

David:
What's a "G"?

Jon:
Uh, "G" is one worse than "F".

David:
Dad, there's no such thing as a "G".

Jon:
Well, maybe you need to spend a little more time on math, and a little less time memorizing the grading system, okay?

David:
Dad, it's fine.

Jon:
Okay. No problem, Finestein.

David:
Don't you mean, "Einstein"?

Jon:
No, I mean Finestein. He was the guy that worked with Einstein, but it didn't work out 'cause he thought everything was FINE!

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Susan Shapiro:
I'm Susan Shapiro. I'm the president of the network, and I'm gonna be your point person on "Delocated!". How are you.

Jon:
Alright, hold on one second. Your name is Susan?

Susan Shapiro:
Yes, I know. I'm so sorry about your dead ex-wife.

Jon:
Yeah, I'm not gonna be able to call you that...for obvious reasons. So, we're gonna have to go with something different. I would suggest we go with your last name. If you're okay with that, I can just call you "Sharpiro". We can do a nickname if you prefer -- Maybe "Shaps"? Maybe "Shappy"? We can go "Shap Attack"?

Susan Shapiro:
I don't really like that.

Jon:
[singing] Shap Attack on the move. Come on. Chick-a down down down. Shap Attack is on the scene. Shap Attack!

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Jon:
[to David] First Mighty Joe Jon, then Susan. I mean, who's next -- You?

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Jon:
This behemoth behind me is T.B. Uncle Sam needed a little help in the old pockeybook, and, uh, hey, that was good for me. I ended up with a badass blackwater type dude.

TB:
The human pyramid at Abu Ghraib was my design.

Bryce Grieke:
Really?

Jon:
Yeah.

Bryce Grieke:
Did they have to be naked? [laughs]

TB:
[ain't playing around]

Bryce Grieke:
Oh. I guess...yeah, I guess they did.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Mighty Joe Jon:
Look, Jon, I know you're bummed, but here's to a great season finale. I couldn't have thought a better way to top it.

[Sergei arrives at the bar]

Sergei:
I can. [to Jon] Just relax. Do not call for Rob unless you want him to also die, understand?

Sergei:
I'm sorry we have reached this moment? But think of like this. I have been eating meal for a very long time. First...was appetizer. Then...was salad. Then...was soup. Then...was chicken. Then coleslaw. Now that meal is over, I'm ready for hot fudge sundae. Do you understand? We have simply reached end of line.

[as Sergei was about to shoot Jon, he shoots Mighty Joe Jon instead]

Mighty Joe Jon:
[strained] Whoa. Awesome twist. [dies]

Sergei:
[sighs] Mighty Joe Jon. He try to tell me how to run my family. He try to get me to kill my father. He had someone shoot you on motorcycle and blame me. [laughs] Relax. I'm not finished eating your meal. [gets close to Jon's ear] Not time for dessert just yet. [leaves]

Jon:
[sobs]

Yvgeny:
Bartender...may I have a vo-- [ends the scene immediately]

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Mighty Joe Jon:
Girl wakes up guy in a coma with a marriage proposal. Guy says "No". Girl wins a million dollars.

Jon:
What -- Million dollars? What are you talking about?

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[Kim does the wedding for Jon while he's in a coma]

Father:
Kim, do you take Jon to be your lawfully wedded husband -- To have and to hold, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health?

Kim:
I do. Oh, um, I made this out of a piece of your ski mask. [puts the black cotton ring into Jon's finger]

Father:
Jon, do you take Kim to be your lawful--

Jon:
No.

[Jon finally starts to wake up from a coma]

Kim:
Jon? Jon!

Neal:
Kim?

[Neal arrives]

Kim:
Neal?

Neal:
Hey.

Jon:
Neal?

Neal:
Jon?

Jon:
You're thick-cut Neal?

Kim:
Neal, what are you doing here?

Neal:
I've come to ask for your marriage. I know the timing isn't great but, uh, I thought Jon would still be in a coma.

Jon:
Yeah, well, guess what? I'm not in my coma, so maybe you should, uh, hey, uh, guy in the flute, would you, uh, take a break? Take five.

[Flute Guy stops]

Jon:
Like I was saying, why don't you get out of here?

Neal:
I don't understand. That black guy with the blond hair called me a couple months ago and told me to give you a call.

Kim:
Mighty Joe Jon?

Neal:
Yeah. That's why I got in touch with you in the first place. He said it would be a great season final moment if I ask you to marry me. Told me to go all out. So I got the flute player and the hawk.

Kim:
What hawk?

Neal:
It flew away on the way over. It was gonna fly the ring over to you. It was in its talons.

Jon:
Wow, that's too bad, man. That sounds awesome. That would've been cool.

Neal:
Anyway, um, Mighty Joe Jon led me to believe that you and Jon were through, but, uh, if that's not the case, I'll leave you two alone.

Jon:
Yeah, and take your flute man, get out of here. Go look for that hawk. Feed him your thick cut. I got thin cut right here, man -- Deli thin. [laughs]

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Bryce Grieke:
Kim, I hear you, it's frustrating, yeah, but he basically signed his life away.

Kim:
Well, what if Jon and I were married?

Bryce Grieke:
Well, yeah, if you were married, well, that would be a whole different situation 'cause you would have a role in all decision making.

Kim:
And what if Jon and I were about to get married? Couldn't I just, let's say, marry him while he's in a coma? I mean, w-we are engaged. [shows him her ring]

Bryce Grieke:
Isn't that more of a friendship ring? So, what are you talking about, like, uh, wedding ceremony in the hospital room -- That kind of thing?

Kim:
Yeah. Yeah. Is there a precedent for that?

Bryce Grieke:
Hey, there's a precedent for everything.

Kim:
Great.

Bryce Grieke:
Oh, next week, if he's still in the coma, I'm gonna come down and do the show. [chuckles] I'm gonna get right up close to him, right in his ear, and I'm gonna go, OBJECTION! [laughs] You know, million dollars -- Kinda got to do it.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[MJJ opens up to Jon]

Mighty Joe Jon:
Wassup?! Listen, man. The network is up my ass, alright? They want to cancel the show. This is literally death to them. But, uh...Mighty Joe Jon, he pitched them an idea, and they loved it. [chuckles] We're gonna do a rating stunt. It's gonna be called Who Wants To Wake A Guy In A Coma And Become A Millionaire! Yes.

Kim:
No, you are not doing a stupid sweeps stunt with Jon while he's in a coma.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, Kim, but the network has power of attorney. That means we can do whatever we want to with him. Maybe we'll put his hospital bed on a motorcycle and have him do that jump. [to Jon] See you at the Emmys, sweepy-head! [laughs]

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Yvgeny's Dad:
What is wrong, my son?

Sergei:
Mighty Joe Jon suggested I have you killed. So I could be in charge and kill Jon.

Yvgeny's Dad:
I see.

Sergei:
I did not, of course, but...I thought about it. I thought about killing you, papa.

Yvgeny's Dad:
It's okay. I would be upset...if I had a son who didn't think about killing me. Understand? That's why you're the best at what you do.

Sergei:
Mighty Joe Jon is telling everyone it was us. I will find out who really shot Jon.

Yvgeny's Dad:
I know you will. In the meantime, think of killing Jon like having a meal. We are still eating the main course. But very soon, it will be time for a hot fudge sundae.

Yvgeny:
We're going out for sundaes?

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Yvgeny:
What do you think of this, papa? At the end of the season, I will be buying a drink at the bar. the bartender asks what I want. The music's too loud, so I say, "Turn down the...vo-". We cut. Next season starts with me in the bar, and I say, "-dka"! Get it? If I tell the joke that way...it will be an awesome cliffhanger. The audience thought I was going to say, "volume", but I give it a twist and say, "vodka".

Yvgeny's Dad:
Seems like a twist if you don't say "vodka".

Yvgeny:
Huh.

Yvgeny:
Oh.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Kim:
So you -- Are you saying you have no idea when he's gonna come out of it? [referring to Jon]

Doctor:
Oh, it could be tomorrow. Could be 20 years from now. We just don't know.

Kim:
20 years from now?!

Doctor:
I'm sorry, but, you know, when in com. [chuckles softly]

Kim:
Excuse me?

Doctor:
You know, like "When in Rome" -- "When in Com-a"?

Kim:
[disappointed]

Doctor:
I'm sorry. It's a joke I've been trying. I should stop saying it.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Doctor:
With that in mind, we've also made an alteration to his EKG machine. This switch changes the sound that you're hearing now to this.

Monitor:
[repeating] Frrt.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[Jon does the motorcycle stunt]

Motorcycle Trainer:
Today we're just gonna get you used to the bike, and then we'll do some training jumps in a couple days.

Jon:
Whatever delays the engagement conversation!

Mighty Joe Jon:
I'm psyched you're actually doing this.

Jon:
Yeah, I'm, uh, kind of [bleep] my pants right now, but I guess there's no turning back.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Kim:
I can't believe we're actually engaged.

Jon:
Uh... [laughs] slow it down and back it up. Nobody said engaged. That is not an engagement ring.

Kim:
So what is it?

Jon:
It is a next level ring.

Kim:
What?

Jon:
We are taking things to the next level.

Kim:
Of engagement?

Jon:
Of levels. We're at a certain level now. Here's engagement. Here's the next level, okay? That's where you got to go before you get engaged, baby doll.

Kim:
But the top level is usually marriage, and the middle --

Jon:
Well, yeah. Marriage is up here. [raises his hand high] Here's where we are.

Kim:
No. Down.

Jon:
[raises his hand in the middle] Here's engagement.

Kim:
And the middle is engagement.

Jon:
See, that's the mistake a lot of couples make, and that's why the divorce rate is so high.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Jon:
Kim, I love you, and I don't want to lose you. Not to Neal, not to anybody, no matter how thick their cut of beef is.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[after Sergei having a conversation with his father of killing Jon]

Mighty Joe Jon:
So, you get the greenlight?

Sergei:
No.

Mighty Joe Jon:
You know, um, we were having this network meeting the other day, and somebody brought up the fact that if your Dad gets shanked in the shower, you'd take over as head of the family.

[Sergei forcefully grips MJJ's neck]

Sergei:
I think you have godzilla-monster-sized balls to ask me to have my father killed. And I admire you for that, Mighty Joe Jon. [leaves]

Mighty Joe Jon:
I admire you, too. [to cab driver] Let's get the [bleep] out of here.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Yvgeny's Dad:
Where's Yvgeny?

Sergei:
He is home thinking of cliffhanger vodka joke?

Yvgeny's Dad:
[chuckles]

Sergei:
Papa...I want permission to kill Jon.

Yvgeny's Dad:
I'm not sure. I want to keep drawing things out, keep making him crazy.

Sergei:
Papa, Mighty Joe Jon the Black Bond says the TV audience...thinks I'm a baby.

Yvgeny's Dad:
So what! Is Mighty Joe Jon the Black Bond your papa?

Sergei:
No, papa.

Yvgeny's Dad:
Then don't worry about what he tells you. Jon is not to die until I say so. Understand?

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Mighty Joe Jon:
Hey, when are we gonna meet this Neal guy? You think he's cute? I heard he's got a nice slab of beef on him -- Thick cut.

Jon:
What, like his abs?

Mighty Joe Jon:
Mnh-mnh.

Mighty Joe Jon:
I got it. Both of you can attempt to jump the mall, and the one who survives gets Kim.

Jon:
There's not gonna be a motorcycle stunt, okay? Why are we even -- Why are we even talking about manufacturing an idea in the first place?

Jon:
Look, things are cool with me right now, alright? I got my seltzer maker. I'm enjoying that. Life is good. I don't want to push things.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Mm-hmm. Thick cut.

Jon:
Okay, life is, for the most part, good.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Fine, if you're okay with losing Kim. [puts his scent spray on and smells it] Mm! That's my scent!

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

[MJJ gives an idea of how Jon would make his show a season 2 finale]

Mighty Joe Jon:
Ladies and gentlemen, Jon from Delocated attempts to jump over a shopping mall on a motorcycle for the greatest season finale of all time! Here he goes! [imitates motor whirring] Oh, my goodness, no! He clips the top of the building, crashes to the ground! And there's got to be a lot of gasoline! [uses a fire lighter] Oh, no! He's on fire! HE'S ON FIRE! HOLY [bleep] Oh, my god! Look at him burn! The ratings are going crazy, and the money is rolling in!

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Mighty Joe Jon:
Season finale, last episode. Need something big from you guys. I don't know if you heard or not, but, tuh, Kim's ex-husband's back in the picture, and Jon's ex, Susan, she's engaged.

Sergei:
I'm glad to hear Jon's life is personal hell.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Actually, Jon is, uh, getting along pretty well. If anybody's having a hard time of it, it's you guys. I mean, all this beating around the bush, killing everybody else except, Jon. I don't know, man. It's kind of making you guys look like pussies.

Yvgeny:
What about season finale for my show?

Mighty Joe Jon:
I don't know Yvgeny. I mean, just keep doing vodka jokes, I guess. It never gets old.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

Mighty Joe Jon:
So, big season finale. Who's got a big idea? What are we gonna do? Shoot him?

Jon:
Maybe we'll do a thing about how Kim is having an affair with her ex-husband, who she just told me she's been e-mailing with behind my back. How about that?

Kim:
Nope. That sounds like a terrible idea. 'Cause that would be a lie.

Jon:
So you're not e-mailing him behind my back?

Kim:
I am, but I'm not having an affair.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Ohhhhhh! Shizit! [singing] Sounds like we got our season finale! Mm! Kim's ex-husband in the picture. Ah, shake your booty. Do it all night, do it all night. [scatting] Great ideas, guys. [laughs]

Mighty Joe Jon:
Oh, dude, you got a seltzer maker? [turns on the seltzer maker] [laughs] Sounds like farts!

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 2 months ago

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