Stroker and Hoop

[Stroker and Hoop tries to confront Megan]

Hoop:
Hello, Megan. Stay calm. I'm Hoop, and this is my partner, Stroker.

Stroker:
Detectives...not gay.

Hoop:
We know how you feel, Megan. Highschool sucks.

Stroker:
And you're too fat to be a cheerleader, so you do the goth thing.

Hoop:
Dammit, Stroke! I'm trying to establish some trust here.

Megan:
[demon voice] Megan doesn't want you here.

Hoop:
Ok, Megan, now you see why smoking isn't the best for you?

[Megan turns her head around like the Exorcist]

Stroker:
Alright, it's go time! [reloads shotgun]

Hoop:
Um, Stroke.

Stroker:
Here's some holy water for ya! How do you like that, Mr. Demon?

Hoop:
Um, Stroke. Stroke.

Stroker:
HYAH!

Hoop:
It's tap water. [uses megaphone] It's tap water.

Stroker:
What?

Hoop:
It's ta-- It's tap water.

Stroker:
TAP WATER?

Hoop:
I was running late, and the church was...was way uptown--

Stroker:
You slackass!

Demon Megan:
UNLEASH THE HOUNDS OF HELL!

C.A.R.R.:
Hey, fellas. I'm almost there! Can you see me yet?

Stroker:
No!

C.A.R.R.:
Really? I can see you. Look, I'm waving to you right now.

Stroker:
What?! Where?! C.A.R.R., do you see the topless girl with the machine gun? Or are you near the pirate with the flamethrower?

Jorge:
[to C.A.R.R.] Custom-scent, sir?

C.A.R.R.:
Uh, what's the pina-colada like? Could you spritz a little on the dash?

[Jorge sprints the scent on C.A.R.R.]

C.A.R.R.:
Oh, yeah! That's nice, isn't it?

Hoop:
[while being shot at by a topless woman] What did we ever do to you, topless woman?

[when Stroker escapes from Keith's Baseball game after being controlled by Ron Howard]

C.A.R.R.:
Curly hairs on my cup holder?

Stroker:
That Ron -- Ron Howard mind-control things is for real. Get Hoop on the phone.

Hoop:
Stroker.

Stroker:
Hoop, get a tinfoil hat.

Hoop:
You're too late. Ron hit me at the nacho bar. What should we do?

Stroker:
Go check out Ron Howard's offices. I'm gonna hit some bars and ask about the twins. I'll take a date for cover.

Hoop:
Good luck.

Stroker:
You, too.

Hoop:
Oh, and Stroker?

Stroker:
Yeah?

Hoop:
I wouldn't go to Chickenfinger Fiesta.

Stroker:
Why not?

Hoop:
Ron Howard made me take a dump on their buffet.

[while Stroker and Keith are playing video games]

Keith:
Yo, I'm going to chop your balls off first, Dad-san.

Stroker:
Oh, you bastard.

[a ninja arrives at their window while Stroker and Keith are still playing video games]

Stroker:
Prepare for me to disembowel you.

Ninja Assassin:
Surrender the handle of the Fire Lotus or prepare to die.

Stroker:
[to his son] Bend over and I will surrender it up your ass. Hey, is your voice starting to change?

C.A.R.R.:
Hop in, Santa. We're gonna get Stroker.

Santa:
Well, what about the storm?

C.A.R.R.:
I can make it, Santa.

Santa:
But you don't have four wheel drive.

C.A.R.R.:
No, but I'll tell you what I do have, heart.

Santa:
Heart is good. Maybe if you had snow tires and heart, I'd feel safer, but--

C.A.R.R.:
Santa, get in the damn car.

Narrator:
It was true what he said. The little car had heart.

[C.A.R.R. tries to start, but the snow makes it very difficult]

Narrator:
He also had four bald tires and worn out brake pads, which, under the circumstances, mattered a great deal more than heart.

Hoop:
Stroker, didn't you learn anything about the spirit of Christmas? Now I want you to go grab your son, go buy the biggest goose in town.

Stroker:
Where the hell am I supposed to find a goose?

Hoop:
Good question. [Pan across a turkey farm]

Narrator:
And that, my friends, is the story of how Stroker saved Christmas. Now, it took old Stroker a few years to get over losing the lottery, and to figure out this was a happy ending. But that's the funny thing about happy endings. They're not about getting richer;

[we finally find out who the narrator is, a talking turkey]

Narrator:
They're about growing older, and getting to share another year with the ones you love.

[a man approaches and grabs the poor turkey around the neck]

Narrator:
Wait! What the hell? No! No, I want to live! Dear god, please! Don't kill me!

[He is dragged offscreen]

Narrator:
Nooooo!

[he is killed by the farmer, likely to end up Stroker and Hoop's Christmas dinner]

Hoop:
Stroke-Her and Boob back in action, going down on you!

Areola:
[revealing her hypnotic breasts] Look into my nipples look into my nipples not AROUND the nipples but IN the nipples, good...

Stroker:
Don't look at her breasts, Hoop. She can't hypnotize us if we don't look...

Areola:
Look. Look at them bouncing. You like it. Look at them jiggling. You love it. You can't not look.

Stroker:
Yes, I can. Shake 'em all day for I care!

Areola:
Perky brea-ests! You love them.

Stroker:
No, it's over. Once we land, we're calling the cops and bringin'... you two... to justice!

Stroker:
[cuts to Stroke at home in bed, in his underwear; he's obviously failed to resist] Aw, crap. Damn it!

Flip:
...Sex education, and you're on the line, Carter.

C.A.R.R.:
Actually, it's just C.A.R.R. Flip, if you ask me, the only b*obs our kids should be learning about in school are the liberal ones in Washington.

Flip:
You are so right--

[C.A.R.R. gets a call from Stroker]

Stroker:
Bluejay, this is Ladybird!

C.A.R.R.:
Crap! Um, 'scuse me for a sec, Flip. Go ahead, Ladybird, I copy.

Stroker:
Operation Harry Potter is a code blue! I repeat -- We got a code blue here!

C.A.R.R.:
What the hell is a code blue, guys?! You added a code blue, and you didn't tell me?

Stroker:
Get your ass over here, C.A.R.R.! Now!

C.A.R.R.:
I remember code yellow, code red-- That's for speeders...

Stroker:
C.A.R.R., HONK YOUR DAMN HORN!

C.A.R.R.:
And Flip, the liberals want to teach sex education--

Stroker:
Alright, hit it, C.A.R.R. Let's go.

C.A.R.R.:
...so they can just bring more liberals.

Flip:
You got that right, C.A.R.R.

C.A.R.R.:
I've been in transportation my whole life--

Hoop:
[to Stroker] We got to get him an F.M. radio already. This right-wing crap is poisoning his mind.

[Stroker presses the yellow button to end C.A.R.R.'s call]

C.A.R.R.:
Flip? I waited on hold for 3-- OH, MY GOD! You're bleeding...

Stroker:
I'm fine. Don't worry about the blood. Let's just get--

C.A.R.R.:
ON MY UPHOLSTERY! AND MY HOOD! YOU SLID BLOOD ON MY HOOD! Oh, my-- Why can't talk you just walk around like a normal person?

C.A.R.R.:
FYI, I've got demon blood drying on my finish?

Hoop:
I'm worried about Megan--

Stroker:
Look, it's a priest's job now, Hoop. Not a private eye. We gotta drop that case pronto. C.A.R.R., where's the advance money for Megan's parents?

C.A.R.R.:
Oh, you spent it on all sorts of crap. Snacks, lottery tickets, beer, porn.

Stroker:
Ahem! The case of the beer and porn bandit. We'll just take a new case. Check the pager, Hoop.

Hoop:
Viagra, Viagra, Viagra, penis enlargement, mortgage, Viagara. A highschool band is getting threats.

Stroker:
How tough can a band geek job be?

Hoop:
Band geeks? [giggling] Hey man, I was third chair piccolo. They let us out fifth period early. We didn't even need a reason.

[after Demon Megan got hit from C.A.R.R., she was able to rise again to get revenge on Stroker & Hoop while being injured]

Demon Megan:
Must kill Stroker and Hoop. Excuse me!

Truck Guy:
No rides for fat chicks!

Demon Megan:
Hey!

Car Guy:
Hey fatty, why don't you try walking it off!

Demon Megan:
Foolish redneck mortals! You and your shallow focus on body image.

Car Wash Girl:
You guys want a free wash? It's for us to go to band camp in Orlando?

Stroker:
Sure.

C.A.R.R.:
What? No, Stroke, I-I don't want their oily teenaged hands on me. I want a machine wash.

Car Wash Girl:
We only asked for an $8 dollar donation.

Hoop:
That's how they get ya, with the donation.

Stroker:
Where can I find Caterina? She left us a message about some threatening letters. I'm a detective, so she got in touch with me about that.

[sees Caterina counting the dollars for a trip to Orlando]

Stroker:
[whistles]

C.A.R.R.:
Don't leave! They'll steal your change and CDs!

Caterina:
Our school has one of the best band programs in the country, Mr. Stroker. They are champions. last week, we started receiving these.

[Caterina give Stroker a threaten note]

Stroker:
"Quit before I shove that flute up your ass. This is your last warning". [flips a page] "Quit or you'll be playing the oboe with your ass". [flips another page] "Ok, last message. Hope you still enjoy playing the trumpet when it's sticking out of your--". There's a diagram.

Stroker:
This guy's really into the ass thing.

Stroker:
I'm gonna be your shadow, Caterina. We're gonna eat together, sleep together, uh, eat together.

Caterina:
How much will your services cost?

Stroker:
About $500-- Uh, maybe actually $1350. Maybe $14,000.

[Caterina felt sad after hearing the cost]

Stroker:
Some downy white hairs-- The kind found on eskimo parkas.

Hoop:
Do we have to pick on eskimos? After we polluted their folkways?

C.A.R.R.:
Oh, man --

Stroker:
Not a real eskimo. A mascot. From a rival high school. Eisenhower High School, to be exact.

C.A.R.R:
[after getting a car wash from the kids] I just feel so refreshed.

Stroker:
[to Hoop] I should know. I went there.

C.A.R.R:
Brittany started with the hose, you know, wetting me down...

Stroker:
C.A.R.R., you're grossing me out.

[Stroker and Hoop finally stops at Megan's house]

Stroker:
No one's home. Good. Hoop, go put the money under the door.

[Megan's parents arrive to surprise Megan]

Megan's Parents:
SURPRISE!

Hoop:
AAH! A FAMILY!

Stroker:
Mr. and Mrs. Wilson...hey!

Mr. Wilson:
It's Detective Stroker!

The Wilson Family:
YAY!

Hoop:
And his partner, Hoop!

Megan's Brother:
Yay!

C.A.R.R.:
And don't forget about lil' ol' me! [raise up his windshield as a sign of waving] I can't hear you?

[Stroker kicks C.A.R.R.]

C.A.R.R.:
Ow, Stroker!

Mr. Wilson:
Where's Megan? Scuttlebunch?

C.A.R.R.:
Stroker ran her over.

Mr. Wilson:
...

Stroker:
I ran her over to the flower shop-- She wanted to get you some flowers.

Mrs. Wilson:
That doesn't sound like Megan.

Stroker:
You know what this party needs? Megan.

Hoop:
Hey, great idea. We'll be right back.

Stroker:
We got a lead that the perps might be coming here tonight.

Caterina:
At this romantic lake?

Stroker:
Well, don't be lulled into a state of false security, Caterina. This is dangerous work. Champagne?

Caterina:
I don't feel comfortable being--

Stroker:
You can adjust that seat back.

Caterina:
That's not what I--

Stroker:
Just reach down and pull the lever. Cause sometimes it gets stuck. You might have to push hard.

[Stroker goes to the lever at Caterina's seat for only a reason]

C.A.R.R.:
The seat is all the way back.

Caterina:
What's that?

Stroker:
Just a prerecorded voice.

Caterina:
Well, it's creepy.

Stroker:
Yeah, I've, uh...been meaning to get it disconnected.

Stroker:
So, tell me how you got started in all this band stuff.

Caterina:
Well, I started on the clarinet.

C.A.R.R.:
I am not creepy.

Stroker:
C.A.R.R., be quiet, please.

C.A.R.R.:
Caterina, did you know I can calculate your weight? I have scale mechanism in the seats.

Caterina:
I don't want my weight.

Stroker:
She doesn't want her weight, C.A.R.R.

C.A.R.R.:
Beep-po-ah-muh-wah. 158.

Caterina:
That's not accurate.

C.A.R.R.:
No, it is accurate, to the nearest .03 pounds.

Stroker:
I'm sorry, Caterina. C.A.R.R., this is a date, so quiet, please!

Caterina:
A date? You said this was a stakeout.

Stroker:
Uh, this is the date of the stakeout. It's a stakeout date. Yeah, we set the date for the stakeout, uh, and it's today. Today's the date for the stakeout.

Hoop:
How'd the date go?

C.A.R.R.:
You wouldn't believe it. Not so great, actually. Stroker tried...

Stroker:
C.A.R.R.! [to Hoop] You know, it was ok. I mean, uh, she was into me, but, uh, you know I probably won't call her again.

C.A.R.R.:
I'm not your mobile hotel room, you know.

Stroker:
What are you doing?

Hoop:
[disguising as a cheerleader] I'm going to seduce the eskimo into confessing.

Stroker:
Dammit, Hoop.

Hoop:
What? He's a high school kid. I only have to get him to second base.

Stroker:
C.A.R.R., stay here while we go inside. If we call for help--

C.A.R.R.:
I can't possibly fit in the doorway to rescue you.

Stroker:
Alright, seal breath. Hand over the money.

Eskimo:
Who are you?

Stroker:
Who the hell are you? Third chair tuba? 'Fess up. We know all about the big band competition.

Eskimo:
Yeah, we're gonna teach you hosers a lesson.

Stroker:
What are you gonna do? Hit me with 52 synonyms for snow?

[C.A.R.R. heads to the car wash]

C.A.R.R.:
Hey, fella, I'm in a bit of a rush. Just give me the basic.

Car Wash Worker:
We've got a manager's special with a hot hand wax--

C.A.R.R.:
I'll take it.

[C.A.R.R. gets another call from Stroker again]

Stroker:
Bluejay, this is Ladybird! Do you copy? C.A.R.R.? Where are you?

C.A.R.R.:
Stupid C.B. Must be coming from the airport.

Stroker:
C.A.R.R., where are you?

Hoop:
We come in peace! Love your casinos!

[while C.A.R.R. gets the manager's special in the car wash]

C.A.R.R.:
Oh, yes, just below the mudflap, Jorge. I don't feel comfortable asking for it like this this at home, you know.

Stroker:
C.A.R.R Do you copy? We're pinned down.

Hoop:
Code blue! Code red! Code green! Code yellow! Code brown!

C.A.R.R.:
[to Jorge] Just ignore that. That's one of my books on tape-- "The, uh, code brown scenarios".

[after Stroker & Hoop get tied up from the Big Band]

Hoop:
Caterina was not kidding about a competitive band community.

Stroker:
C.A.R.R. better be dead in a ditch somewhere. If he's not, I'll kill him.

Hoop:
What was up with the pirate and topless girl? Are they mascots?

Stroker:
Who knows, Hoop? Kids today with their baggy jeans and their pirate costumes.

Hoop:
And they're being topless.

Stroker:
Tomorrow we go to Eisenhower High. That eskimo won't be so tough without his friends around.

Hoop:
It's a nice night, at least. Sitting outside...in the quiet, just being. Cool grass on our buttocks.

Mr. Wilson:
You said you had our daughter, you son of a...b*tch!

Mrs. Wilson:
Oh, Jack!

Stroker:
Mr. and Mrs. Wilson?

Mr. Wilson:
Tell me where my daughter is you lousy, no good family wrecker!

Hoop:
Wait, this is all part of our plan.

Mrs. Wilson:
Do you want us to untie you?

Stroker:
Yes.

Hoop:
No!

Hoop:
Jack. Jean. This is a trap. The unholy alliance who took your daughter, we're like a giant piece of cheese to them.

Mrs. Wilson:
Oh, dear.

Stroker:
Now I suggest you leave for your own safety.

Mr. Wilson:
Oh, I'll leave, Detective Stroker. But when I come back, you'd damn well better have my daughter, you son of a b*tch [bleep] sucking mother [bleep] rat whore...

C.A.R.R.:
Hey, fellas! beautiful night for a little stargazin'! You got the right idea there.

Stroker:
Where were you?

C.A.R.R.:
When? Just now?

Hoop:
Earlier. When we were being beaten and stripped.

C.A.R.R.:
Oh! Uh...smog check.

Stroker:
You smell like pina-coladas, C.A.R.R.

C.A.R.R.:
Some bum threw a drink on me.

Stroker:
Wait. Is that...fresh vacuum marks? Where did you get the money from the wash, C.A.R.R.?

C.A.R.R.:
Um, you know. My, uh, Bar Mitzvah money? I mean, I'm haulin' stuff on the side on the weekends. A little gypsy-cabbing late at night, Nascar.

Stroker:
My advance money. What did you do with my money, C.A.R.R.?

Hoop:
Look at these receipts. Cactus wash. Suds and studs. Panda wax and shine. What's the "around the world swirl" package?

C.A.R.R.:
Look, if I could hold a sponge in my wipers, I would, Stroke.

Hoop:
C.A.R.R., I think you have a problem.

C.A.R.R.:
I don't complain when you spend all our money on food and shelter.

Stroker:
I'm putting you on manual C.A.R.R. You're going cold turkey.

C.A.R.R.:
Up yours you are. [leaves]

Stroker:
Come here, C.A.R.R. Come here now. Right now, C.A.R.R. Get back here!

Hoop:
All the washes in the world won't fix what's broken inside, C.A.R.R.

C.A.R.R.:
Excuse me? Miss? Honk honk! Ok! Great! I'm meeting some old friends who have my gas card, and I'm almost on "E". Do you have any change? Maybe in your shoe?

Jogging Woman:
Can I see your fuel gauge?

C.A.R.R.:
Well, see, that's broken. If you give me your address, I can mail you the money later.

Jogging Woman:
I can call your friends for you.

C.A.R.R.:
They don't have phones.

Jogging Woman:
Sorry. [goes back to jogging]

C.A.R.R.:
Wait, Miss! There's a sponge in my backseat. Could you just scrub my underside?

Jogging Woman:
Pervert!

C.A.R.R.:
WHORE!

Jogging Woman:
A whore?! Did you just call me a whore?!

Hoop:
Yo! Don't be forgetting my moms needs the car back for bridge group tomorrow.

Stroker:
I know. But listen, Hoop, I don't really think we need...

Hoop:
Who's Hoop, man? I'm "Sticks". Just moved here from Boston and I love to rock 'n'' roll! Woo!

Stroker:
No, Hoop, you don't.

Hoop:
Sticks. 'Cause I always carry these. [pull out drumsticks] You're a chad. You're a rich preppy jerk who dates the prettiest girl in school. Here, just tie this sweater around your neck.

Stroker:
That get-up is like an '80s thing. It's like John Hughes.

Hoop:
Mm-hmm. That's what I was going for-- John Hughes. Is it too '80s?

Stroker:
C.A.R.R., are you getting this?

[Stroker then did not realize he's talking to a regular car that got from Hoop's Mom]

Stroker:
C.A.R.R. I hope he rots!

Turtle Mascot:
For years, my fellow car wash barons, we have sat idly by while the charity car washes have encroached on our way of life. When the church does a car wash to send bibles to China, does it not take food from your children's mouths, Mr. Sombrero?

Mr. Sombrero:
Si, it does.

Turtle Mascot:
Si. Money that you could use to hire a pool cleaner, Captain Rick?

Captain Rick:
Aye!

Turtle Mascot:
Or a shirt, for those cold nights, Topless Carwash Girl. Or yo, Mr...um...

Shillelagh Shine:
Shillelagh Shine. I-I didn't know we were supposed to wear the costumes.

Turtle Mascot:
Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Maybe this will help your memory, you little-- [shoots Shillelagh Shine]

[Stroker get a call from C.A.R.R.]

Stroker:
Whatever it is, C.A.R.R., no. Tough love.

C.A.R.R.:
Come quick. I've solved the mystery. There's a car wash mob!

Hoop:
Tell him I said hi.

Stroker:
You need help, C.A.R.R.

C.A.R.R.:
They're trying to put an end to all the charity car washes. I'm at the North Pole Wash-- Come quick!

Stroker:
No, C.A.R.R. I won't meet you at North Pole Wash so you can get a car wash. [hangs up]

Hoop:
You didn't tell him, didn't you?

[Stroker caught the eskimo]

Stroker:
Alright, this band-camp crap ends now, you little punk.

Hoop:
Huh. What kind of an eskimo head is that?

High School Boy:
I'm a Wolverine.

Stroker:
No, you're an eskimo. The Dwight D. Eisenhower Eskimo. And you've been robbing the Truman High School Band Car Wash.

Hoop:
What would the Inuit Council of Elders think?

High School Boy:
What are you talking about? We switched to the Wolverines, like, 15 years ago. Didn't you notice the signs?

[Stroker looks at the sign that said "Go Wolverines"!]

Stroker:
Wolverines? What kind of generic crap is that?

High School Boy:
Eskimos weren't politically correct. Everybody in town dropped it-- Except for the guys over at the North Pole Wash.

Hoop:
Stroker, isn't that where C.A.R.R. was calling from?

Stroker:
One second, Hoop.

Hoop:
I think he's in trouble.

Stroker:
[to the High School Boy] Anyone can be a Wolverine or a Wildcat. But we were the Eskimos, man. The Eskimos! Doesn't that mean anything to you? Don't you get it?

Stroker:
[singing] We drag our enemies back to camp, use their blubber to fuel our lamps, uh, something, something, whale bone, walrus...uh, something, something, uh, rhymes with walrus. When we kiss it's with our nose, we're the Eisenhower Eskimos! [accidentally hits the high school boy when he finished singing]

Stroker:
Oh, god, I hated high school.

[Stroker & Hoop disguise as different mascots to get the villains' base]

Turtle Mascot:
Who the hell are you guys?

Hoop:
We are from Hawaiian Robot Wash & Shine.

Stroker:
Aloha.

C.A.R.R.:
[while getting a car wash] Aloha my ass, Stroker and Hoop!

Turtle Mascot:
Hey. Excellent work, C.A.R.R. You brought them right to us.

Stroker:
C.A.R.R., you dirty rat!

C.A.R.R.:
Rat, yes. Dirty? Not anymore! Ohh...chamois, chamois, chamois, chamois, chamois...

C.A.R.R.:
I'm sorry guys! They promised me a lifetime supply of-- [gets waxed] Oh, there's the wax. That's what I like, the hot wax.

Stroker:
C.A.R.R...what happened to your antenna?

[C.A.R.R. sees his antenna bent]

C.A.R.R.:
Hey, what the hell? Which one of you jackasses bent my antenna?

Mr. Sombrero:
Not me.

Captain Rick:
Must have been bent when you got here, matey.

Stroker:
I don't know, C.A.R.R. That comes out of your deductible. Your rates are gonna skyrocket.

C.A.R.R.:
Yeah, somebody is gonna have to pay to fix that! And it is not gonna be me.

Turtle Mascot:
Read your ticket. "This contract limits our liability". We are not responsible.

C.A.R.R.:
Not responsible?! You greedy bastards!

[C.A.R.R. crashes Captain Rick]

C.A.R.R.:
Ooh. What do you do you think of that?

Hoop:
C.A.R.R., I think you have a problem.

[Stroker and Hoop gets the money back after fighting the mascot car wash villains]

Stroker:
Well, kids, here's your money. Well, you know, less expenses, overtime, mileage, uh, getting beaten up. That's an extra fee. Anyway, here you go.

[Stroker give one the car wash kids some money]

Car Wash Boy:
$20 bucks?

Caterina:
We'll never make Orlando.

Stroker:
Did someone say Orlando? Because I just got back from the travel agent...

Car Wash Kid:
[gasps with joy]

Stroker:
...with two tickets. If you'll have me, Caterina.

Caterina:
Go the hell, mister.

Mr. Wilson:
There they are. The two idiots.

Hoop:
Megan? Is that you?

Stroker:
Hey, you lost weight. Lookin' good, Megan.

Mr. Wilson:
She crawled in the forest for 3 days to find...

Stroker:
Uh, you didn't get the ambulance? Oh, 'cause we called. We called. Hoop, didn't I tell you to call the ambulance?

Mr. Wilson:
You son of a b*tch! [steals 2 passports and box away from Stroker] [bleep] sucking mother [bleep] rat whore!

Mrs. Wilson:
[whispered] Jack.

Stroker:
Hoop, check the pager!

Hoop:
Alright, let's see here. Penis enlargement, penis enlargement, penis enlargement, low mortgage, penis enlargement. [gasps] This isn't spam! Some guy invented a penis enlargement pill, and it's been stolen!

[Stroker's voice message on phone]

Stroker:
Hello, there. This is Stroker. I'm a private investigator, so I'm probably out in a dangerous mission right now. So, just leave it at the beep. Ciao. Here comes the beep. Here it comes. Oh, and hey, if you're calling for Dr. Ditmer, this is not a dentist's office, so please--

Angel:
Glad you could make it. The kids are out back watching David Copperfield.

Stroker:
What the hell is Copperfield doing here?

Angel:
Apparently, we won some contest.

[Stroker meets his son]

Stroker:
Hey, sorry I'm late, pal. I was chasing some bad guys.

Keith:
Mom said you were asleep.

Stroker:
[pulls up an air freshener] Hey, look, what Dad got ya. This, uh, this is a chinese throwing star, huh?

David Copperfield:
Do I have any volunteers? How 'bout you, Danny?

Danny:
I don't want to disappear.

David Copperfield:
What if I shared the secret to one of my famous illusions with you?

Danny:
Alright.

[David grabs Danny]

David Copperfield:
[whispered] Stop being a wussy, and get in the frigging cage. [puts him in the cage] Now, don't tell any of your friends.

Stroker:
Copperfield, what did you do with the kid?

David Copperfield:
You'll never find him, Stroker.

Stroker:
How did you know my name?

David Copperfield:
Show me some respect. I'm David Fricking Copperfield!

[as David Copperfield tries to disappear with a smoke bomb, Stroker shoots him, which failed miserably]

Hoop's Mom:
Hoopie, why is the door closed?

Hoop:
Oops.

Hoop's Mom:
The door is to remain open when ladies are present.

Hoop:
Hold on, Mom. We're playing Crapple. [to Vanessa] Quick, get dressed.

Vanessa:
Dammit, Hoop. That's it.

Hoop's Mom:
Hoop!

Hoop:
Hold on, Mom. Vanessa is just tallying her score.

Detective Putoine:
Stroker, I've read your statement. It says here you shot David Copperfield?

Stroker:
He was supposed to catch the bullet.

Detective Putoine:
Right. The bullet catch. Yeah. His big finale.

Stroker:
I warned him. I said, "David, you've been drinking. Are you sure you're up to the bullet trick"? And--And he insisted.

[Hoop's Mom sees Hoop and Vanessa playing Crapple]

Hoop's Mom:
Who's winning?

Vanessa:
Hoop.

Hoop's Mom:
My Hoopie always had a good vocabulary. He's quite a reader.

Vanessa:
Yeah.

Hoop's Mom:
[sees the board] There's no such thing as "Enveep".

Hoop:
Oh, it's a type of fruit that-- Uh...

Vanessa:
I tried to challenge him, Mrs. Schwartz, but we didn't have a dictionary.

Hoop's Mom:
[sad] I don't need a dictionary to spell whore! It's V-A-N-E-S-S-A! I'm getting Webster's!

C.A.R.R.:
So, how are we gonna find Danny?

Stroker:
I'll tell you after we pick up Hoop.

C.A.R.R.:
Why don't you just tell me now?

Stroker:
Then I have to tell it twice. You can just wait for when we get Hoop.

C.A.R.R.:
Yeah, it's taking you longer to *not* tell me than it would to just tell me.

Stroker:
C.A.R.R.!

Angry Car Guy:
It's green, moron! Watch the light!

Stroker:
Automatic car, a**hole. C.A.R.R., it's green. Watch the light.

Hoop:
So, what are we doing at this coliseum, Stroker?

Stroker:
I pulled some clues off of Copperfield's body. This Copper pistol and these, backstage passes to some group called the 5 Diamonds.

C.A.R.R.:
Oh, my god!

Hoop:
THE 5 DIAMONDS?!

C.A.R.R.:
The 5 Diamonds were created from Titans of the Entertainment Industry and engineered to be the perfect boy band. They are, Neil Diamond, the front man. Mike Diamond, the clean-cut one. Mr. La Bamba, Loud Diamond Phillips, the ethnic guy. Dustin Diamond, the bad boy. And of course, the ultimate object of every girl's fantasy, the world's only talking diamond.

Stroker:
Never heard of 'em.

5 Diamonds Fan Girl:
Yeah, go Diamonds! [pulls out her breasts]

Stroker:
[to the fan girl] Alright! Go 5 Diamonds!

[Stroker & Hoop sees backstage door of The 5 Diamonds]

Hoop:
I thought of everything.

Stroker:
What the hell are those for?

Hoop:
The Diamonds have a special writer in their contract. They want a bowl full of red M&M's after the show. I read it in in "Tiger Beat".

[Stroker & Hoop meet The 5 Diamonds]

Hoop:
Hey! I got an M&M delivery for The 5 Diamonds.

[Dustin Diamond opens the door for Stroker & Hoop]

Dustin Diamond:
Come on in. Put 'em on the table.

Hoop:
Oh, my god! It really is the 5 Diamonds.

Talking Diamond:
Dustin, look at these M&Ms.

Stroker:
We're the local M&M delivery service.

Dustin Diamond:
The hell you are! [slaps the red M&Ms bowl off of Hoop's hands] Try again.

Hoop:
This is really embarrassing. Actually, we're from -- Your fan club.

Stroker:
Go 5 Diamonds, man.

Hoop:
YEOW!

Dustin Diamond:
Ok, ok. Um, ok, have a seat, guys. Y-You know what I love about my fans? They know all of the little things about me. They--They know I'm a capricorn. They know I'm left-handed. They even bring me special little left-handed gifts like funny novelty clocks that run backward.

Hoop:
Ha ha! We almost got you that.

Dustin Diamond:
And, um, they especially know that my favorite thing in the whole world is a particular color of M&Ms. Green. Because I can't stand the sight of the red ones, you [bleep] phonies!

[after Stroker & Hoop got beaten up from The 5 Diamonds]

Stroker:
Ow, crap! Get off me!

Hoop:
You were sleeping so peacefully. I didn't want to wake ya.

Stroker:
What? Where are we?

Hoop:
C.A.R.R.'s trunk. The 5 Diamonds are up front.

Talking Diamond:
Here's a good place to dump the bodies.

Stroker:
What did he say?

Hoop:
Something about dropping off their buddies. They must mean us.

Talking Diamond:
Holy -- Neil, come on! Pop a cap in 'em, and let's get out of here before anybody sees us.

Stroker:
So long, C.A.R.R. We had a nice ride.

C.A.R.R.:
Oh, Stroke. I'll be thinking of you, too-- When I'm living in Hollywood with Neil.

Lou Diamond Phillips:
This talking car knows too much. Let's roll him off the cliff.

C.A.R.R.:
What? Hey, guys. Don't listen to Lou Diamond Phillips!

Talking Diamond:
Good thinking. We'll put these two inside, make it look like an accident.

C.A.R.R.:
He's not even a real Diamond. He's a Phillips. Lou Phillips! Neil, what's your middle name?

Neil Diamond:
Leslie.

C.A.R.R.:
Exactly. You don't hang out with The 5 Leslie's right?

Neil Diamond:
Who are The 5 Leslie's?

C.A.R.R.:
That not my point, you-- I mean, come on, guys. You really want to walk all that way?

Talking Diamond:
Gentlemen, I think we owe Stroker and Hoop an explanation.

C.A.R.R.:
And me!

Talking Diamond:
As you know, for years, the name Diamond has stood for the pinnacle of achievement in many fields. [The 5 Diamond crew form an act as a hologram video projector of how the diamond name happened]

Stroker:
What the hell is this crap?

Talking Diamond:
Whenever an important project changed the way America thought about entertainment, you can bet the name Diamond was attached. "Diamond are forever". "Diamonds are a girl's best friend". "Touching you, touching me". "Hello, nasty". "Young Guns II". "Dustin Diamond teaches chess". Just to name a few.

Talking Diamond:
Recently, it was discovered long prophesized sixth diamond had been born. His name was Danny Diamond Schmickler, and he was born to take our careers to the next level. Before we could reach him, he was abducted by David Copperfield. If he is not found by midnight tomorrow, on the night of his 10th birthday, there will be no more famous diamonds.

[The 5 Diamonds fell down ending the act of the video]

Talking Diamond:
You boys help us find Danny, and I personally guarantee you'll be swimming in diamonds.

Stroker:
We're just the men for the job.

Hoop:
If there are no more famous diamonds, there will still be other famous people.

Talking Diamond:
Yeah, of course.

Hoop:
So, what difference would it make?

Dustin Diamond:
What difference would it make? I'll tell you! "SAVED BY THE BELL"! [slaps Hoop] "PAUL'S BOUTIQUE"! [slaps Hoop] "LA BAMBA"! [slaps Hoop] "FOREVER IN BLUE JEANS"! [slaps Hoop] SAVED BY THE FRICKIN BELL!

Stroker:
Get out your bribe money, Hoop.

[Hoop brings some several coins, and 1 penny]

Stroker:
That's all you've got?

Hoop:
Yeah. We gotta talk about that. I need to start getting paid around here, Stroker.

Stroker:
I pay you...in, uh, gratitude.

Hoop:
I need to provide for my girlfriend.

Stroker:
Vanessa put you up to this? I told you she's bad news.

Hoop:
Gimme a break, alright?

[after Stroker & Hoop got done from the Magic Shop]

Talking Diamond:
Any luck?

Stroker:
That magic shop owner didn't know crap.

Hoop:
I don't know. Look at the craftsmanship in this vomit. The attention to detail is really incredible.

[after Hoop accidentally shoot the Talking Diamond's nose off while wearing headphones]

Stroker:
His new nose is coming out of your paycheck.

Hoop:
What paycheck? You don't pay me. This is bullcrap, man.

Stroker:
Stop wasting my time, detective. You don't have any evidence.

[Detective Putoine shows Stroker's gun]

Stroker:
Besides the gun.

Stroker:
Most magic shops were closed in honor of Copperfield's death except you, because you knew he wasn't dead. Now, where's Copperfield?

Magic Shop Owner:
I don't know anything about the Illustrious David Copperfield.

Stroker:
I never said his first name.

[Stroker uses shock button to confess the Magic Shop Owner where Copperfield is]

Magic Shop Owner:
Ow! Alright, alright. I don't know why you're asking me. If you run with the diamonds, you must know more about the precious metals than I do.

Hoop:
The precious metals? [to Stroker] Shock him.

[Stroker shock the Magic Shop Owner again]

Magic Shop Owner:
Goldie Hawn, Whoopi Goldberg, David Copperfield, and a Talking Buffalo Nickel. Six months ago, Goldberg and Goldie banded together to form a liberal counterway to the Diamond's Greed.

Stroker:
Where are they? [shock him again as always]

Magic Shop Owner:
Ow! DAMMIT! Would you please stop that? It doesn't hurt. It's just annoying.

Stroker:
Oh, sorry.

[Stroker & Hoop went into disguise again to meet the Talking Diamond]

Neil Diamond:
Stroker and Hoop?

Hoop:
Don't be alarmed. We're Stroker and Hoop in disguise as-- [realizes] How did you know?

[Hoop sees Vanessa having sex with Talking Diamond]

Vanessa:
You know, Hoop, it's true. Diamonds are the hardest things on earth.

Hoop:
How could you steal my girl?

Talking Diamond:
You stole my friggin' nose!

Stroker:
[to Hoop] You took his nose?

Hoop:
I was very emotional. And you don't pay me.

Stroker:
Precious metals, we meet again.

David Copperfield:
Neil and Dustin.

Stroker:
Copperfield, Talking Nickel.

Hoop:
[happily] Are we gonna get to meet Whoopi and Goldie?

Stroker:
...

Stroker:
Here's the offer. The Talking Diamond for the boy.

Talking Diamond:
What? That's your friggin' plan?

David Copperfield:
It's a deal. Goldie, bring out the boy.

Hoop:
Stroker, if we give them the Talking Diamond, who's gonna pay us?

Stroker:
Oh, crap. [to Copperfield] Um, sorry! Uh, what I meant to say is, uh, I'll give you Dustin Diamond.

Hoop:
What?

David Copperfield:
That's not Dustin Diamond. It's your partner, Hoop.

Stroker:
[pulls out his gun] Alright, give me the boy or Goldie gets it. That's my plan, everybody.

Talking Diamond:
This next number is dedicated to Stroker and Hoop, 'cause without them, this never would've happened.

Dustin Diamond:
[singing] Girl, you got the best of me, oh baby. Why can't you see? Baby, this can't be the end 'cause diamonds are a girls' best friend. Girl, it ain't no tomfoolery being cut up for human jewelry.

Talking Diamond:
[singing] Now that the prophesy is here, we will make the world shake with fear so, sit back, girl and don't be threatened we got you seats [demon voice] to ARMEGEDDON!

[The 6 Diamond turned into one big diamond monster]

Hoop:
I'm not familiar with this part. It must be a live version.

Stroker:
Oh, crap.

Hoop:
Stroker, I think we've been helping the bad guys.

David Copperfield:
No crap.

[Stroker and Hoop tries to shoot the diamond monster]

Storker:
It's no use! The diamond exterior is impenetrable.

Hoop:
Dammit!

C.A.A.R.:
I've got it. Stroker, Hoop, aim for the left leg.

Stroker:
What? Why?

C.A.A.R.:
It's Lou Diamond Phillips, so it must be the weak spot.

Stroker:
Of course!

[after Stroker and Hoop defeated the Diamond Monster]

Dustin Diamond:
Dr. Pepper sure tastes great now that we're no longer under the spell of the damn Talking Diamond.

Neil Diamond:
Stroker, Hoop, here are the diamond shards collected. They're all yours. Should be worth a lot of money.

Vanessa:
Speaking of which, I got the appraisal for my engagement ring, Hoop.

[Stroker sees the paper]

Stroker:
What the hell? He wasn't even a real diamond! He was Cubic Zirconium! That bastard!

Vanessa:
He was a phony.

Hoop:
This means you didn't need the diamond after all. Your careers -- That was all you.

C.A.A.R.:
I don't know, maybe they did need that Talking Diamond after all. Lou, what do you think?

[Lou starts to get wild when Vanessa hangs out Lou]

Hoop:
Well, Vanessa, I hope you learned a lesson here. If you get materialistic, you might inadvertently create a diamond monster that could destroy humanity.

Vanessa:
Oh, Lou. I'm sorry, did you say something, Hoop?

Dustin Diamond:
Sorry, Hoop. Once they had diamond, they never go back.

Neil Diamond:
It's true.

Stroker:
Women, huh?

Hoop:
[menacing] Lou Diamond Phillips. Stroker, if it's ok with you, I'm gonna just tip Vanessa 10%.

Stroker:
Well, boys, what do you do after saving the world? I'm new to this game. Let's celebrate.

Hoop:
Did we save the world or did we almost destroy it?

Stroker:
It's a damn fine line, isn't?

C.A.A.R.:
No, not really.

Hoop:
I don't feel like celebrating since Vanessa left me for Lou Diamond Phillips.

C.A.A.R.:
And the reward was Cubic Zirconium.

Hoop:
And Danny's parents are suing us for turning their kid over to the Talking Diamond instead of them.

Stroker:
They are?

Hoop:
I was gonna wait to give you the message.

Stroker:
Well, that pretty much sucked.

Stroker:
A toast, Hoop, to the good life. Starting tomorrow, no more crappy-ass clients.

Hoop:
Are you sure the billboard's gonna work?

Stroker:
Are you kidding me? Watch this.

[Stroker tries to seduce a lady]

Stroker:
Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

Ashley Brittany:
It is now.

Stroker:
Well, I'm sure your friend won't mind if I -- Oh, you mean by me. Well, alright. [sees Ashley's tattoo] Interesting tattoo there.

Ashley Brittany:
[laughs] I almost got a tattoo of the midget from "Fantasy Island". That way, I could have a tattoo of tattoo. [laughs]

Stroker:
Oh, really?

Ashley Brittany:
He committed suicide. So sad.

Stroker:
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Oh, my god, this is so embarrassing. One of my billboards.

[Ashley sees Stroker and Hoop's billboard]

Ashley Brittany:
Oh! There's a typo.

Stroker:
No, it's Spanish.

Ashley Brittany:
Detective, it's spelled "I-V-E", not "V-I-E". You're a detectvie. [laughs]

Stroker:
Hoop!

Hoop:
Que pasa?

Stroker:
I told you to proof the billboard. Detectvie?

Hoop:
C.A.R.R. told me he had spell-check.

Ashley Brittany:
Stroker and Hoop. I'm Ashley Brittany. This is my sister, Brittany Ashley. They're detectives.

Hoop:
Hi.

Stroker:
Hello there.

Ashley Brittany:
A toast, then, to private eyes.

Brittany Ashley:
And private d*cks.

C.A.R.R.:
Ohh, morning, gentlemen, or should I say afternoon? [sees Stroker and Hoop's livers being sewn and stitched] What the hell?

Hoop:
Our livers were stolen!

C.A.R.R.:
I knew something was up last night.

Hoop:
Why? What were the girls doing that was strange?

C.A.R.R.:
Hooking up with you two. I calculate they were 9s. You guys usually work the 3 to 6 territory.

Stroker:
WHERE THE HELL'S THE FAKE COP LIGHT?

C.A.R.R.:
No! No! Not the fake cop light!

Stroker:
COULDN'T YOU TELL WE WERE DRUGGED? WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU DO ANYTHING?

C.A.R.R.:
I was distracted. One of the girls wasn't wearing panties. I had to turn off camera 4.

Doctor Woman:
Well, the good news is your livers and kidneys are still there. The bad news...

Hoop:
Oh, boy.

Doctor Woman:
Is that your appendix has been stolen, along with your coccyx.

Hoop:
So how much...how much time do we have?

Doctor Woman:
You'll be fine. They're vestigial, worthless. Believe it or not, there's been a rash of these thefts lately.

Hoop:
Really?

Doctor Woman:
Attractive women preying on lonely men in bars--

Stroker:
We were hit by a couple thugs from the russian mafia.

Hoop:
What do our, uh, organs fetch on the black market?

Doctor Woman:
I don't know what you're talking about. There's no black market for appendixes.

Hoop:
Maybe this will help your memory. [checks his wallet] Hold on a second. Uh...I...I could've sworn I...

[Hoop gives the doctor woman a free gift card]

Doctor Woman:
A free smoothie?

Stroker:
Listen, doc. They may be vestigial to you, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna let some hot chi-- Some russian mafia thugs and their model girlfriends take the useless organs that God gave me. Come on, Hoop.

[as Stroker and Hoop leaves the hospital]

Hoop:
[to Doctor Woman] Can I have my coupon back?

[Stroker comes late to a parent teacher conference while still having his organs removed]

Stroker:
Sorry I'm so late. I was tangling with the russian mafia.

Angel:
Oh, please.

Stroker:
They told me to stay in bed for 3 days. I told them, "My children come first".

Teacher:
I'm afraid Keith has been having some trouble in class.

Stroker:
Yeah, I'm gonna have to talk to him about bullying the other kids.

Teacher:
Well, it's really the other boys and girls that have been picking on Keith.

Stroker:
I'm sorry. Boys and what?

Teacher:
Your son Keith is very...special.

[Stroker sees his son playing hopscotch]

Stroker:
What the hell?

Teacher:
I think some more father-son time could help.

Stroker:
Well, I am an assistant coach on his soccer team.

Angel:
Yeah, he means t-ball.

Stroker:
Sure, I missed the first few practices, but that changes today. My number. Call me anytime. So we can help Keith together. You can keep those matches.

Teacher:
Uh, thanks.

Benny:
Stroker. Thank god. I need your help.

Stroker:
I'm your man, mister, um...

Benny:
Benny. I saw your billboard. Your detective V.I.E.'s, right? Very Important Entertainers?

Stroker:
Excuse me? Is this a joke?

Benny:
No! I need you, [takes off his cap revealing is a tinfoiled hat] to make Ron Howard stop controlling my mind. We got to stop Ron Howard! STOP IT, RON HOWARD! It's so obvious. I brought evidence. I could pay you $20,000. I'm rich. I got a limo.

Stroker:
Sure, a limo. You just use the shopping cart for short trips.

Benny:
You're working with Ron Howard. You're one of his lackeys!

Stroker:
Look. I want your psycho ass off my property, or I'm calling Vans to tell him you stole their shopping cart, alright? [closes his door]

[after a few seconds later, Stroker sees Benny that he actually has a limo that just came by while he was hearing a voice message on his phone]

Stroker:
Benny! Hey, Benny boy. Is, uh, is the coast clear? Ron's people left yet?

Benny:
They were here?

Stroker:
Across the street. You've got to keep a sharper eye out. Sorry about the little charade I pulled back there.

Benny:
No problem. Is it safe now?

Stroker:
Now that you're with me. I have a ton of expertise with these cases. Yeah, I was the guy who took care of the Rob Reiner, uh, spoon-bending thing.

Benny:
My accountant will be in touch.

Stroker:
So, this limo has the minibar and everything.

[Stroker gets a voice message from a caller]

Caller:
Hey, Stroker and Hoop, I'm going through a tricky divorce, and I thought I should hire a couple detectives who don't know hot to -- How to spell the word "Detective". [laughs] So naturally, I thought of you guys.

Mr. Nessbaum:
John Strokymeyer?

Stroker:
Yes, sir.

Mr. Nessbaum:
I'm Mr. Nessbaum. $10,000, with another 10 to be paid upon completion.

Stroker:
Mr. Nessbaum, it has been a pleasure. Hoop, let's go.

[as Stroker takes the briefcase full of money, Mr. Nessbaum stops it]

Mr. Nessbaum:
Whoa, there! Where do you think you're going with that?

Stroker:
It's my money.

Mr. Nessbaum:
Yes, but it's not your briefcase.

Stroker:
Yeah, but the briefcase is part of the deal. It's understood.

Mr. Nessbaum:
Don't tell me about the deal. I'm an accountant, and the deal was $10,000, not $10,000 and a briefcase.

Stroker:
But I need the briefcase.

Mr. Nessbaum:
No. I'm the accountant. I need the briefcase. What does a detective need with a briefcase?

Stroker:
To carry the money. [opens the briefcase] Fi -- Here, I'll buy the case.

Mr. Nessbaum:
No deal. It was a father's day gift.

Stroker:
[sighs] Alright. Fine, jackass. [sees the dollars bills] What are these, fives? You couldn't give me a stack of hundreds?

Mr. Nessbaum:
I thought you'd appreciate not having to make change.

Stroker:
Hoop, help me out. And the amount you carry does not represent your cut.

Hoop:
[happily] Maybe you should wear that fanny pack I got you for christmas.

[Stroker & Hoop chase the twins]

Stroker:
Nothing's gonna stop me from getting my appendix back!

Hoop:
You're dropping money.

Stroker:
Crap. You go ahead I got your back. [goes straight ahead for the money that fell right out of his pockets]

[C.A.R.R. plays Solitare on his own screen]

C.A.R.R.:
Ha ha! 3 jacks. Beat that.

CPU:
Flush.

C.A.R.R.:
Hey, flush my ass! You cheat. The computer cheats.

[Stroker and Hoop go to an electronic store]

Stroker:
Nothing is gonna stop us until we make those girls pay.

Hoop:
How does *this* make those girls pay?

Stroker:
B-Benny! Hey, hey! What are you doing here?

Benny:
All the electronic interference helps protect me from Ron Howard. What are you guys doing here?

Stroker:
We're, uh -- We're celebrating. Ron Howard just agreed to stop screwing your mind.

Benny:
[surprised] No, he didn't.

Hoop:
[correcting Stroker] No, he didn't.

Stroker:
Sure he did.

Benny:
Well, that's so weird because he was just talking to me a few minutes ago.

Stroker:
Well, Benny, that's because, uh...uh, Benny, this is my partner, Hoop.

Hoop:
Nice hat there.

Benny:
It's my secret weapon against Ron. Always use the freezer-grade stuff and make sure you put the shiny side out.

Stroker:
Assistant Coach Stroker reporting for duty. You kids ready to go kick some ass? Alright! Yeah! Let me get some high fives right here! There we go! Come on!

Baseball Coach:
Stroker, we try and foster a safe, noncompetitive atmosphere.

Stroker:
Check it out, guys-- Brand new uniforms. [pull up a shirt for Keith]

Keith:
Cool!

[Stroker then switch the shirt on the back that says "Lil Stroker"]

Keith:
...

Bratty Kid:
This is bull [bleep]. We're the Sharks.

Stroker:
Shut up, kid.

Stroker:
Hey, Keith, how about if you lead off today?

Keith:
I don't want to.

Stroker:
Hey, why not, buddy?

Keith:
I'll strike out, and the kids will call me names.

Stroker:
Oh, they're not gonna call you names. What kind of names would they call you?

Keith:
Spazzle, asswipe, wonder wuss, Keith the Queef.

Stroker:
That's because they're just jealous. It's because you've got a Dad who's a detective.

Keith:
No, they're not.

[Ron Howard controls Stroker's Mind]

Ron Howard:
Come on, Stroker. Be a man. Stand up for your kid.

Stroker:
Who said that?

Man:
Said what?

Stroker:
Come on, who said it? Stand up. Say it to my face.

Ron Howard:
It's me, Ron Howard.

Stroker:
Oh, crap.

Ron Howard:
Now, I want you to get out there and beat up that umpire. But first take off all your clothes.

[Stroker then takes his clothes off while beating the umpire]

Stroker:
Son of a b*tch!

Umpire:
What the hell?

Keith:
Dad! What are you doing?

Security Guard:
Get him away from the children.

Stroker:
I'm sorry, everyone, but i-it's not my fault, it -- It's Ron Howard's making me do this. You gotta believe me.

Ron Howard:
Come on, keep fighting. Keep fighting.

Stroker:
STOP IT, RON HOWARD!

Ron Howard:
I'll teach you to mess with me.

Jenny:
Here's your double espresso, Ron.

Ron Howard:
Thank you, Jenny. Now I want you to stick that kid's hot dog up your butt.

[Stroker puts foil from the hot dog that he stolen from a boy]

Ron Howard:
Darn it! Foil! That tin foil won't last, you know.

Bratty Kid:
Keith the Queef! With the crazy dad without any briefs!

Karen:
I think it's so wonderful you wanted to have dinner to discuss Keith.

Stroker:
With all the deadbeat dads out there, it must be surprising to find a man that cares so deeply for his children.

[Stroker looks directly to her breasts]

Stroker:
That's a beautiful pendant.

Karen:
Oh! It's a japanese symbol.

Stroker:
Ah. Japan. So what does it stand for, the pendant?

Karen:
Happiness.

Stroker:
Well, if I was your pendant, I'd be happy too.

[as Stroker was about to kiss Karen]

Karen:
I'm sorry. Would you mind taking off the hat?

Stroker:
You mean my Ron Howard mind control cap? Ha ha ha!

Karen:
It was a funny joke, but it's...starting to creep me out.

Stroker:
Well, I wasn't actually totally ju-- [sees the same twins in the restaurant]

Stroker:
Karen, be calm. I just spotted two wanted criminals, and I'm taking them down. Don't look. Just act naturally. And if the waiter comes back, I want the Key Lime Pie.

[as Stroker was about to capture the twins]

Stroker:
Nice try, girls, but I'm not falling for that lipstick crap this time.

Ron Howard:
Hi, Stroker.

Stroker:
Crap, Ron Howard! Don't you have anything better to do, Ron?

Ron Howard:
I'll teach you to tangle with me.

Stroker:
Damn it, I'm not tangling with you, Ron, alright? I made one half-assed phone call.

Brittney Ashley:
[to Ashley] Who the hell is he talking to?

Ron Howard:
Drop your pants.

Stroker:
You know, this nudity fetish of yours is getting old, Ron.

Ron Howard:
Now moon the twins.

Stroker:
Come up with some new ones, please.

C.A.R.R.:
Aw, damn it. What the hell is he doing now?

Ashley Brittany:
The fat one is becoming a pest. [while the twins stick the syringes into Stroker to sleep]

C.A.R.R.:
Ok, girls. Let's not go through this again.

Brittany Ashley:
We'll sacrifice and eat him at the festival tonight.

C.A.R.R.:
Ho, ho! I'm sorry. Did you just say you're gonna eat Stroker? You know, he's very unclean.

[after the twins caught Stroker with the syringes they shot into Stroker's butt]

Brittany Ashley:
I am so starving. Aren't there any more vestigial organs on him? Does he really need two testicles?

Stroker:
[dazed out] Definitely need both testicles.

[Hoop disguise himself as a woman to get inside Ron Howard's Office]

Hoop:
[reads a script] "Well, burn my biscuits! I guess the only person I've been running from is myself, Mr. Jickey".

Secretary Agent:
Well, you'd better finish up.

Ron Howard:
Or else what?

Secretary Agent:
Or the CIA will stop putting the chemical in the water that makes people like your movies.

Ron Howard:
I'm sorry, the what?

Secretary Agent:
Heh heh heh! "Willow", "Backdraft", "Far and Away"?

[Stroker wakes up in a hot boiling pot in a museum full of cult members]

Cult Leader:
The sacrifice awaits. I suppose you want to know what we're going to do to you.

Stroker:
Not really.

Cult Leader:
What? Why not?

Stroker:
Well, you're obviously the leader of weird-ass cult, and you're gonna eat me.

Cult Leader:
Wrong, smart guy! We are the Church of the Kind-Hearted Cannibals.

Stroker:
[sarcastic] Oh, right. My mistake.

Cult Leader:
Unlike our ancestors, we don't kill. We just eat the unessential organs.

Cult Members:
Praise the appendix, the coccyx, and delicious tonsils!

Cult Waiter:
Appendix? Coccyx? Napkin?

Stroker:
So, you're not gonna eat me?

Cult Leader:
Mmm, oh, no. We're making a exception for you because you're such a total ass!

Brittany Ashley:
Goodbye, Stroker. I'm looking forward to our last dinner date.

Ashley Brittany:
And here's your appendix back. [throws Stroker's appendix in the boiling pot]

Stroker:
I hope you chokes on my ass bone, b*tches.

Hoop:
Ron, before you crush my skull, I want you to know something. I believe in you. You don't need a mind-control machine. You already have the power to touch America's heart.

Ron Howard:
No, it's not true.

Hoop:
Just look at that award in your hands.

[Ron looks at his trophy and realizes his problems]

Ron Howard:
I'm a phony. I made them vote for me. Years ago, I found this mind-control device on an alien crash site while on location for "Happy Days". You know how most child actors end up. I was -- I was scared. Then the CIA got wind of it and wanted me to perform experiments for them. I thought I was helping my country, but it got out of control. I'm just a lucky hack.

Hoop:
No, you're not. People loved "When Harry met Sally".

[Ron sobs while hugging Hoop]

Jenny:
Mr. Howard is need on set. Mr. Howard is needed on set.

Hoop:
Cleanse your soul, Ron. Confess. Your fans will still love you. If not, they weren't your fans to begin with.

Ron Howard:
Do you think so?

Hoop:
I know so.

Ron Howard:
[goes back to sobbing]

Stroker:
What the hell is going on?

Hoop:
Hi, Stroker. Situation is clear over here. Ron is going to cleanse his soul.

Stroker:
Great, because I'm at the Nation History Museum, and I'm about to get boiled alive by cannibals.

Hoop:
Oh, crap. How big's the kettle?

Stroker:
Um, well, I'd say it's a goof two-person kettle. Maybe two and a child.

Hoop:
Good. It should take hours for that much water to boil. That'll give me enough time to master this mind-control device and control the cannibals. Got to go.

Stroker:
Hoop, can you just call the cops instead?

Cult Leader:
[singing] You are what you eat.

Cult Members:
[chanting] Eat a person, be a person. Eat a person, be a person...

Stroker:
I eat hamburgers. Does that mean I'm a hamburger?

Cult Leader:
Yes!

Stroker:
So if you were to eat me, that means that you'll be a hamburger.

Cult Members:
...

Cult Leader:
[to his members] Do not listen to the forked tongue of the nonbeliever!

[after Hoop taken the mind control device away from Ron Howard]

Hoop:
This is so incredible.

C.A.R.R.:
Who else is programmed in there?

Hoop:
Here's Jay Leno.

C.A.R.R.:
Yeah, yeah, do him. Do Jay Leno.

Hoop:
Holy cow! I'm seeing what Jay Leno sees.

C.A.R.R.:
Tell him to pick his nose.

Hoop:
Hey, Jay, this is Hoop, and I just want to say, keep up the great work.

C.A.R.R.:
Make him pick his nose!

Hoop:
And my friend wants you to pick your nose.

Hoop:
He's picking his nose.

C.A.R.R.:
Is he on tv?

Hoop:
No, it's too late. It's already -- [gasp] Oh, crap! It's 5:00 A.M. We forgot Stroker.

Hoop:
Stroker, it's Hoop. Bad news. I have not been able to program the cult members in.

Stroker:
No [bleep].

Cult Leader:
You're finished, Stroker! Seize him!

[suddenly one of the cult members starts to die]

Cult Leader:
Oh, no! The poisoned appendixes are taking effect!

Brittany Ashley:
The poisoned what?

Cult Leader:
You know, to take our souls to our new life on Venus.

Brittany Ashley:
What? I came to all the meetings, and I never heard you mention Ven-- UGH! [dies]

Stroker:
[on phone] Look, Benny, we're entitled to the other half of our payment. I need that $10,000.

Benny:
Ron Howard died in an accident. Now way in hell I'm paying you for something that would have happened anyway.

Keith:
Dad, moment of silence!

Stroker:
We had a deal, you son of a b*tch.

Keith:
Dad!

Stroker:
CRAP! DAMN IT!

Bratty Kid:
It's a moment of silence.

Stroker:
Listen, kid. I knew Ron Howard personally. Ron Howard can kiss my ass, and so can you.

[after Stroker and Hoop not recognizing that the man who is calling someone on phone is Tio the Terrible when Stroker threw the phone from Tio's hand]

Tio the Terrible:
You're going to pay, a**holes!

Stroker:
T-This is all a mistudnerstanding!

Hoop:
We're big fans of your drug cartel. Primo quality, man.

Stroker:
Ok, we're dropping our weapons. Drop your weapon, Hoop.

[as Stroker and Hoop drop their weapons, their guns shoots Tio and Tio's girlfriend]

Stroker:
Crap. I can't shoot that well when I'm aiming.

Tio the Terrible:
You can't hide. I'll kill you.

Stroker:
He doesn't know who we are. He won't find us.

Tio the Terrible:
[reads the billboard on top] Stroker and Hoop, 800-555-0199.

Stroker:
Damn it! We still have those things?

Double-Wide:
Gentlemen, I give you the ultimate expression of southern pride!

[Double-Wide reveals C.A.R.R.'s new design as a southern version]

Hoop:
WHAT! I am not gonna ride in that thing.

Stroker:
It's perfect.

Hoop:
It stands for everything I'm against.

C.A.R.R.:
Oh, shut up, fool. It's heritage.

Hoop:
The heritage of slave-owning.

C.A.R.R.:
Well, you can just walk to Mississippi, then.

Double Wide:
I've added a shotgun rack, a novelty horn... [horn plays "Dixie"]

C.A.R.R.:
Ha! Hell yeah!

Double Wide:
Tweety Bird pissing on the french flag. I've even added a tracking device in case C.A.R.R. gets stolen now that he's pimped out.

Stroker:
You're a genius, Double-Wide.

Double-Wide:
My finishing touch. A southern voice chip.

C.A.R.R.:
[southern voice] Yee-haw! Let's go get them yankee sons of b*tches!

Double-Wide:
I'll just get your bill so you can settle up and you can get out of here.

Stroker:
Cool. Hey, you know what? Just drop it in the mail! [drives out of here with their new design of C.A.R.R.]

Double-Wide:
That bastard!

Hoop:
Oh, look, guys. I think we're in the south.

Stroker:
How can you tell?

Hoop:
There's a Hardee's instead of a Carl's Junior and instead of a Ralph's, it's a Kroger's.

Stroker:
Man, it's like whole 'nother country down here, isn't it?

Hoop:
Moo-Moo!

Moo-Moo:
Hoop! How the hell are you?

Hoop:
Damn, I've missed you.

Moo-Moo:
What the hell's with your teeth?

Hoop:
They're fake, see? Yeah, I just wanted to blend in.

Moo-Moo:
You think we don't have dentist in the south?

[Moo-Moo checks the dixie bell book that shows the phone call for dentists]

Moo-Moo:
Look, Hoop -- Dentist. There's a whole section.

Hoop:
Sorry.

Stroker:
So what do we have here? Cat stuck up a tree? Neighbor kid swinging on Aunt Bee's porch swing again? [sees a dead fried pageant] OH, MY GOD!

Moo-Moo:
This here is Miss Hushpuppy.

Deputy:
One of the prettiest girls in the county...till somebody fried her up like a chicken.

Moo-Moo:
Damn shame. She was a shoe-in to win our Miss Southern Delicacies Pageant this weekend. Took 6 rolls of paper towels just to soak up all the grease.

[Moo-Moo takes a piece of finger off of Miss Hushpuppy's hand]

Hoop:
Oh, god.

Stroker:
What the hell?

[Moo-Moo then takes a bite of it]

Stroker:
Oh, you got to be [bleep] me.

Moo-Moo:
Well, now, hell. That ain't fried chicken batter. Well, that's Hushpuppy batter. It was a thematic death, which means he'll strike again. [takes a bite of the finger again] I'll be. A hint of jalapeno. Well, I am so sorry. Where are my manners.

[starts to take another finger piece of Miss Hushpuppy's hand for Stroker]

Moo-Moo:
Do you agree?

Stroker:
You gotta be [bleep] kidding me? I'm not putting that in my mouth.

Terry:
Hey, everyone, welcome to Plantations, where we slave to satisfy you.

Mayor:
Gentlemen, as Mayor of this town, I'll be damned if I'm gonna cancel our second annual southern delicacies pageant and civil war reenactment.

Stroker:
This is only the second?

Mayor:
Yeah, we've had bad luck with festivals, Mr. Stoker.

Stroker:
"Stroker".

Mayor:
Originally there was the Vidalutha Slave Hobbling Contest and Sack Race, then the separate but equal two festivals of segregation, then the Vidalutha Tobacco Leaf Parade and Smoke-Off. Now, if this festival gets cancelled, too, well, it'll break out little town's heart.

Moo-Moo:
Well, don't worry, Mayor. I got some outside professionals on the case.

Hoop:
Oh, thank god, because I know we're in no position to-- [realizes] Oh...you mean us.

Stroker:
Don't worry, Mayor. We'll find the murderer.

Mayor:
MURDER? [scoffs] Let's not jump to any conclusions, now. I-I'm not a fancy california detective, but I have a theory. Miss Hushpuppy was a family girl. Maybe she had a family reunion coming up and she was doing some home cooking. Flour gets in her eyes and she accidentally trips and falls into a trough of batter. She stands up, slips on the wet floor and lands directly in the giant human-size fryer that she has rented for the occasion.

Hoop:
It still doesn't explain the side of coleslaw we found next to her.

Mayor:
Eh...you boys hammer out the details. All I know is it better get handled or I find a sheriff who will. Do we understand each other, Moo-Moo?

Moo-Moo:
Yes, sir.

Mayor:
Good day, gentlemen. [leaves the diner]

Hoop:
Wait, Mayor! What about your pancakes?

Mayor:
Oh, right. Ha.

Mayor:
Kind of messes up my dramatic exit.

Tio the Terrible:
Where are Stroker and Hoop?

Double-Wide:
Who? Turner and Hooch?

Tio the Terrible:
We know they called you right after they shot me.

Double-Wide:
You guys got the wrong place.

Tio the Terrible:
Pull down his pants, Rico.

[as Double-Wide was about to pull down his pants, Tio confess him with a hammer drill]

Double-Wide:
Oh, screw this. Stroker and Hoop are headed down south somewhere. C.A.R.R.'s been repainted with the stars and bars and has a gunrack on the back.

Tio the Terrible:
You've been a big help.

Double-Wide:
They owe you money.

Tio the Terrible:
Something like that.

Double-Wide:
Me, too. Say, we could road trip it together. We could even split gas money.

Tio the Terrible:
Thanks anyway.

Double-Wide:
I got this tracking device that'll take us right to them.

Tio the Terrible:
[stops after what D. Wide said]

Double-Wide:
SHOTGUN!

Moo-Moo:
[singing] Old times there are not forgotten.

Moo-Moo and Hoop:
[singing] Look away, look away, look away, Dixieland.

Hoop:
[singing] In Dixieland where I was born early on one frosty morn --

Moo-Moo and Hoop:
[singing] Look away, look away, look away, Dixieland. Oh, I wish I was in Dixie, hooray, hooray.

Stroker:
WOULD YOU STOP ALREADY? PLEASE? YOU'RE IN DIXIE, OK? NOW JUST STOP IT.

Moo-Moo:
You sure got a sweet singing voice, Hoop.

Stroker:
That gives me an idea.

C.A.R.R.:
[singing] Mama's little baby, loves shortening, shortening--

Stroker:
C.A.R.R.!

[in the Miss Southern Delicacies Pageant, Miss Collard Greens does fire stick tricks]

Stroker:
Very nice, very nice. Um, well, so much for talent competition. Let's see how you look in the bikini.

Stroker:
[quietly to Moo-Moo] Miss Collard Greens twirls a fine baton, but she's got junk in her trunk.

Moo-Moo:
What does this have to do with the case?

Stroker:
I'm trying to determine a pecking order so we can see who's next in line to be murdered.

Moo-Moo:
Good thinking.

Stroker:
[to the pageants] I've just conferred with the judges, and uh, looks like we have ourselves a winner. Miss Hoecakes. Give it up for Miss Hoecakes. Since you're the prettiest and you're life's is in most danger, I'd like you to come with us to safehouse.

Stroker:
[to the pageants] As for the rest of you, you should be on the look out tonight. There might be a serial killer who wants to brutally murder you in the matter of the food you're named after.

Hoop:
And good luck in the big competition this weekend.

Stroker:
Oh, hey, uh, forgot to say good luck.

Hoop:
And may the tastiest delicacy win.

Miss Squash Casserole:
[cries] C-C-Can I go to the safehouse, too?

Stroker:
Don't worry. You'll be fine.

Miss Squash Casserole:
Really?

Stroker:
Sure. I mean, there's got to be at least 10 prettier girls who'd have to be murdered first.

[after Miss Hoecakes won the pageant]

Miss Hoecakes:
Well, I never in a million years thought I'd be Miss Brunswick Stew.

Hoop:
I don't remember any Miss Brunswick Stew.

Moo-Moo:
Oh, lord.

[cuts to the next scene where Miss Brunswick Stew was killed in a bathtub full of stew]

Mayor:
Well, maybe she just accidentally cubed herself and fell into this tubful of hot bod of vegetables.

Moo-Moo:
[tastes the stew with a ladle] Still hot.

Stroker:
Oh, this is disgusting.

Hoop:
Uh, Moo-Moo, I don't think--

Moo-Moo:
[slurps another taste] Avocado? In Brunswick Stew? Well, that ain't southern. It's delicious, but it sure ain't southern. [also bites a dirty cornbread]

Stroker:
[throws up]

Mayor:
I love cornbread.

Double-Wide:
So, you guys ever driven across country before?

Tio the Terrible:
Why the hell would we do that?

Double-Wide:
Oh, I don't know. Maybe a little thing called Purple Mountain's Majesty. [chuckles] How do you know Stroker?

Tio the Terrible:
We're old friends.

Double-Wide:
Oh, yeah? Me, too. He used to sell mattresses with my brother.

Tio the Terrible:
Uh, that right?

Double-Wide:
Yeah. I can't wait to see the look on his face when I show up asking for my money.

Tio the Terrible:
I can't wait to see the look on his face when I splatter his brains all over the sidewalk.

Double-Wide:
Ha ha! [stops laughing] What? Stroker's brains?

Tio the Terrible:
[speaks spanish] Then we'll kill you. [laughs evilly]

Rico:
[speaking spanish] After we cut off your balls and feed them to you.

Double-Wide:
[speaking spanish] I sure wish I didn't know Spanish.

Hoop:
Good night, Stroker. Good night, Miss Hoecakes.

Miss Hoecakes:
Good night, Hoop.

Stroker:
Night, Hoop. Good night, Hoecakes.

Miss Hoecakes:
It's Miss Hoecakes.

Stroker:
You know, I've never had hoecakes.

Miss Hoecakes:
And you know what? You never will.

Hoop:
HA HA HA!

Stroker:
[on phone] Yo.

Moo-Moo:
Oh, Stroker.

Stroker:
Moo-Moo? I-I can't hear you.

Moo-Moo:
[spits a crumb of oreo] Sorry about that. Miss Moonpie's dead. What's your theory on it? I gotta arrest somebody tonight or I'm gonna get fired for sure.

Stroker:
I've seen enough movies to know the way it works down here. Your killer is either the corrupt sheriff, the corrupt mayor, or a crazy hillbilly.

Moo-Moo:
I'll have a deputy round up all the hillbillies he can get his hands on. Maybe you boys could question them while I track down a lead at that marshmallow plant.

Moo-Moo:
Oh, and Stroker, if you wouldn't mind leaving Miss Hoecakes at the motel. I don't want here to be exposed to any would-be killers.

[Stroker interrogates all the hillbillies who murdered the pageant women]

Stroker:
Sure is hot in here, ain't it, boy?

Hillbilly #1:
Not so hot, really, with the air conditioning and all.

Stroker:
Eh, you're gonna play it that way, huh? About this time of night, I like to kick back and cool off with a cold one. How about you?

Hillbilly #1:
I'm not really a drinker, sir.

Stroker:
Of course you are, and there's a tall boy with your name on it once you start cooperating.

[many beers later]

Stroker:
[drunk] I mean, what the hell do you do for fun in this town? You kill people? Fry 'em up in Hushpuppy batter, you stew 'em up in the bathtub with a hunk of cornbread in the toilet, ain't that right?

[many more beers later]

Stroker:
[drunk while singing] Look away, look away, look away...to Dixieland. [burps]

[after Miss Hoecakes was murdered in a tanning bed, Stroker and Hoop silently puts the body in C.A.R.R.'s trunk]

C.A.R.R.:
Hey, howdy, fellas. Whatch y'all got there?

Stroker:
Uh, just a rug.

Hoop:
Yeah, I spilled some grape juice on it. We're gonna get it cleaned up so the hotel won't charge us.

[as they put the body in C.A.R.R.'s trunk, C.A.R.R. starts to smell something funny while they're driving off]

C.A.R.R.:
Man, it stinks in here. Is that dog crap on that rug?

[Double-Wide tries to call Stroker while in the bathroom]

Stroker:
Not now, Double Wide. [hangs up]

Double-Wide:
Damn it.

[Tio and Rico shows up]

Tio the Terrible:
What are you doing on the phone?

Double-Wide:
What? I'm not on the phone. It's a toilet.

Moo-Moo:
Stroker, Hoop.

Stroker:
Sheriff.

Hoop:
Moo.

Moo-Moo:
Y'all wouldn't mind if we took a quick peek in the trunk, would you?

Stroker:
No, you don't want to look in there.

C.A.R.R.:
[opens up his trunk] Oh, go right ahead, officer.

Stroker:
Damn it, C.A.R.R.

Moo-Moo:
Just as I feared.

[Moo-Moo takes off a piece of one of Miss Hoecakes toes and ate it]

Moo-Moo:
Yup. Miss Hoecakes.

C.A.R.R.:
What? There's a body in my trunk? You bastards!

Hoop:
It's not how it looks.

Moo-Moo:
The timing of the killing, the fancy california ingredients like jalapeno and avocado. How could you, Stroker and Hoop?

Hoop:
Well, I guess there's nothing to do but turn ourselves in and trust in the american justice system. [gets out of the car and gives up]

Stroker:
Screw that. [drives out of here with the body]

[Stroker and C.A.R.R. gets into a dead end in the swamp]

Stroker:
Damn it! We're gonna have to jump the swamp.

C.A.R.R.:
There's no way we'll make it.

Stroker:
There's only one way to find out.

[as Stroker and C.A.R.R. tries to jump from the swamp, the scene pauses]

Southern Narrator:
Well, it looks like the boys have gotten themselves in quite a mess this time. I wonder how they'll ever get out of this fix.

[as the scene plays, spoiler alert, they didn't make it]

Stroker:
Oh, crap.

C.A.R.R.:
You son of a b*tch!

Stroker:
Sorry, C.A.R.R.

[Stroker tries to unlock the car door, but won't open]

C.A.R.R.:
Automatic windows are shorted. I guess we're in this together.

[Stroker then uses his gun to smash C.A.R.R.'s window to get himself freed]

C.A.R.R.:
OW! HEY!

Stroker:
I'll be back, C.A.R.R.

C.A.R.R.:
A captain never leaves his ship. [gurgling]

[Moo-Moo sprays water on Hoop with a hose]

Hoop:
Moo, you got to believe me! I didn't do it!

Moo-Moo:
I know you didn't, Hoop. [pulls up his gun] I did it...dressed as you.

Hoop:
Moo-Moo! So Stroker was right about the corrupt sheriff!

Moo-Moo:
Of course he was.

Hoop:
You clichedly evil bastard. Why?

Moo-Moo:
As a child, I dreamed of someday being crowned Miss Southern Delicacy. But despite my beauty and poise, I knew I'd never win for one simple reason.

Hoop:
You're a man?

Moo-Moo:
Because I couldn't win the talent portion. But with your disguise and your sweet singing voice, this could be my year.

Hoop:
How?

Moo-Moo:
If you were disguised as me disguised as a woman, you could help me win the talent portion.

Hoop:
Listen, Moo, I appreciate the vote of confidence, but I wouldn't stand a snowball's chance against Miss Boiled Peanuts.

Moo-Moo:
She's dead.

Hoop:
There's still the matter of Miss Buttermilk Fried Chicken.

Moo-Moo:
[shakes his head meaning "No"]

Hoop:
Miss Chicken and Dumplings.

Moo-Moo:
[shakes his head meaning "No"]

Hoop:
Miss Banana Pudding.

Moo-Moo:
[shakes his head meaning "No"]

Hoop:
Damn, you're fast.

Double-Wide:
Ah, I don't get it. It's saying they should be right here. Somebody must have pulled the tracking device off and thrown it in the swamp. I guess Stroker and Hoop are smarter than I thought. Well, gentlemen, I guess this is the end of the line for us.

[Rico pulls up his gun at Double Wide]

Tio the Terrible:
You mean for you. Heh heh heh!

Double-Wide:
[worried] You're not gonna cut my balls off, aren't you?

Jeff:
This authentic hardtack sucks.

Yankee:
They wouldn't have said "sucks" in civil war times, Jeff.

Jeff:
We're not re-enacting yet.

[the yankees sees Stroker who looked like an Reb]

Yankee #1:
Hey, where the hell does he think he's going? The western assault's not till 12:00, huh? [to Yankee #2] Hey, let's give him a scare. Hey, dirty reb!

[Yankee #2 scares Stroker with a rifle]

Stroker:
Holy crap! [pulls out his gun and shoots Yankee #1's drink]

Yankee #1:
Whoa! He's shooting real bullets there. Get the live ammo!

[Stroker escaped and suddenly went to the reb's side]

Reb #1:
It's the Yanks!

Reb #2:
What the hell happened, soldier? Why ain't they using blanks?

Stroker:
Oh, um, because they're yankee scum.

Reb #1:
Get your live ammo, boys. Yee-haw!

Stroker:
Which way is town? I've got to save a friend.

Reb #2:
Over the hill, straight through the Vidalutha Outlet Center.

Reb #1:
But it's swarming with yanks on account of the sale at Niketown.

[after Hoop won the pageant show]

Moo-Moo:
Congratulations, Hoop. Now hand over the tiara.

Hoop:
[gives the tiara to his cousin] Looks like your plan almost worked. You just forgot one thing.

Moo-Moo:
What's that?

Hoop:
[pulls out his gun to his cousin] Always check the fanny pack.

[Stroker shows up to see which one's the real Hoop]

Hoop:
Stroker, it's me! Shoot Moo-Moo!

Moo-Moo:
No, I'm Hoop.

Stroker:
Both of you, drop your weapons!

Hoop:
No way.

Moo-Moo:
If I do, he'll shoot me.

Stroker:
Damn it. They look exactly the same

Reb #3:
Well, not exactly the same. They, ahem, dress to different sides.

Stroker:
What?

Reb #3:
You know. Dress. [pointing to his pants]

[Stroker then sees that Hoop and Moo-Moo are both wearing the same short pants]

Hoop:
[to Stroker] What are you looking at my penis for?

Stroker:
Eenie meenie minie Moo-Moo.

[Stroker shoots one of Moo-Moo's legs]

Moo-Moo:
OW!

Hoop:
Good job, Stroker! For a second there, I thought--

[Stroker also shoots one of Hoop's legs as well]

Stroker:
Now I can figure out who's who at my leisure.

Hoop:
[in pain] YOU COULD HAVE JUST ASKED ME SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT OUR LIVES THAT ONLY I WOULD KNOW! ARGH!

Stroker:
That might have worked.

[before Tio was about to kill Stroker and Hoop, the Rebs getting into a fight against Tio and Rico to protect the investigating detectives]

Tio the Terrible:
The redneck hillbillies...shot me.

Reb #3:
Who you calling hillbillies, you dumb colombians? You're probably drug lords. Not all southerns are redneck hillbillies, you know.

Tio the Terrible:
Well, not all colombians are drug lords...although I am.

Reb #3:
Yeah, I confess, I am a little redneck myself.

Mayor:
Ah, we really appreciate all y'all's help in solving the case.

Hoop:
I just wish we could have done it before 29 girls were murdered and turned into food products.

Mayor:
Oh, no. No apologies necessary. The murders were great for tourism. We've got a serial killer bus tour now, and they're turning Moo-Moo's house into a museum. And guess what.

Stroker:
What?

Mayor:
They're gonna make a tv movie about us on TNT. [laughs] U-Unfortunately, they're shooting it in Canada.

[after Stroker and Hoop, and the gang leave Mississippi, Hoop sees Moo-Moo again picking up litter in the grass]

Hoop:
Well, see you later, cousin. You may be a crazy murderer, but you're still family.

Moo-Moo:
HELP, GUYS! I'M HOOP! YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG GUY! MOO-MOO'S IN THE CARE WITH YOU. YOU'RE MAKING A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

Hoop:
Aw, gimme a break, alright?

Moo-Moo:
YOU BASTARD!

[while they were leaving Mississippi]

C.A.R.R.:
Stroker, what if he's right? What if we got Hoop and Moo-Moo mixed up?

Hoop:
Knock it off, C.A.R.R.

[Hoop then devilishly smiles revealing that Hoop's Cousin is, Moo-Moo sitting in the car with them]

Stroker:
Wait, what's that? Did you just do an evil smile?

Moo-Moo (as Hoop):
What? No.

Stroker:
No, no, I saw it in the rearview. You wringing your hands and doing an evil smile.

Moo-Moo (as Hoop):
No, no, no. That was not an evil smile. It was an all's well that ends well smile.

Double-Wide:
I don't know. That didn't seem like an all's well that ends well smile to me.

C.A.R.R.:
We better go back and double check.

Grobbit #1:
Elf Queen, we must destroy the ring to lift the curse on this land.

Elf Queen:
Your journey will be hard, little grobbits. Your members must travel through the dark forest, and forge the ring in the fiery volcano of Gordoor.

Grobbit #1:
Where is Gordoor?

Elf Queen:
I am Gordoor, [lifts up her gown] AND THIS IS MY VOLCANO!

Grobbit #1:
Let's tap that elf ass.

Elf Queen:
Oh, forge me! Forge me hard!

Grobbit #1:
Cut. Cut. Sorry. My pants got caught on this friggin' curly shoe.

Judd Winner:
Damn it, damn it, damn it! This is a porno. You're Dildo Gaggins. Grab her ass already.

Grobbit #1:
I can't reach it.

Grobbit #2:
I-I could stand on your shoulder and do her.

Judd Winner:
Screw it. I'll do it myself. We'll fix it in post. Action.

Judd Winner:
Princess, bend your ass over this chair here. [cell phone rings] Oh, damn it!

Leslie:
[on phone] Hey, honey, I was wondering if on your way home you could pick something up for me.

Judd Winner:
Sorry. I'm working late, hon.

Leslie:
What's that noise?

Judd Winner:
Just stapling some reports.

Leslie:
Well, don't forget, I have my book club tonight.

Judd Winner:
Book club? What book club?

Leslie:
I told you about the book club.

Judd Winner:
You're cheating on me, aren't you?

Judd Winner:
Judd Winner did not make millions of dollars with "Gals Gone Wild" volumes 1-20 so his wife could take advantage of him. Judd Winner did it to sleep with horny college girls. Judd Winner cheats. Judd Winner does not get cheated on.

Stroker:
Women.

Judd Winner:
I want you to go undercover and tail my wife 24/7. I want you to know everywhere she goes, everyone she meets. Areola, bring in the costumes.

[Areola bring in costumes]

Areola:
You may find these useful for going undercover.

Stroker:
Areola, huh. Nice rack. [laughs]

Hoop:
Let's see here, plumber, pool man, pizza boy. Oh, Hobbit!

[Stroker and Hoop go undercover in Judd's house]

Leslie:
[on phone] Ugh, I need a mini-pedi. Yeah. Yeah. You know, this really ugly car has been parked across the street all day. I wish they'd move it. It's hideous. Orange with fins all over it.

C.A.R.R.:
Oh, I can't wait till we nail this philandering whore.

Stroker:
Alright, boys, we've been spotted. Time to clean the pool.

Hoop:
Say your prayers, termites.

[as Stroker and Hoop were about to get inside Judd's house while wearing disguises of one of them who is a pool cleaner and a exterminator, a van showed up who are real workers of a pool cleaner and a exterminator]

Stroker:
Oh, you got to be kidding me.

Hoop:
A real pool cleaner? What are the odds?

C.A.R.R.:
Stroker, hot tub action. 2 o'clock!

Stroker:
Holy crap. Pay dirt. [sees Leslie making out with someone] Looks like the pool cleaner is draining more than her pool. [chuckles]

C.A.R.R.:
I don't get it.

Stroker:
It's a double entendre.

C.A.R.R.:
I know, but for what?

[after it's revealed that Hoop was making out with Judd's Wife in pool while staying in undercover, Judd Winner sees photos of it]

Judd Winner:
Who is he? Who is he? Judd will kill him. Why is the guy's face so blurry?

Stroker:
Well, unfortunately, the hot tub caused some condensation on the lens.

Hoop:
Judd, the who is not really important here. It's the why. The point is, your marriage is in crisis.

Judd Winner:
Don't tell me what's important. What's important is roasting this guy's balls on a stick.

[while Judd Winner gives Stroker and Hoop their rewards]

Judd Winner:
Areola, get these guys their money.

Stroker:
Thank you.

Judd Winner:
[to Areola] And also get me the hot tub surveillance tape from yesterday.

Hoop:
Surveillance tape?

Judd Winner:
Judd Winner has security camera all around his house. This jackass' identity won't be a mystery for long.

Hoop:
[worried] It's probably not healthy to watch when the wounds are so fresh.

Judd Winner:
Bull [bleep]!

Hoop:
O-Ok, so we'll give you some privacy then. Let's go, Stroke.

Stroker:
Later, Areola, and if you ever need a detective or just someone to talk to.

Areola:
Yeah, whatever.

Hoop:
Stroker, the time.

Stroker:
[to Areola] Wait. Let me write my new number on here. Also, do you validate parking?

Hoop:
STROKER!

Ms. Peach:
The neighbors got together and we're giving you a Cul-De-Sac ticket for letting your yard go, Mr. Strockmeyer.

Stroker:
Ms. Peach, I don't give a damn about your home printed, made-up, Cul-De-Sac tickets because they're not real tickets, alright? And I don't let my yard-- [sees his yard as a pigsty] Oh, crap. That is pretty bad.

C.A.R.R.:
Stroker. Stroker, over here.

Stroker:
C.A.R.R., what the hell?

C.A.R.R.:
Teenagers rolled me. You left me on manual for two weeks. I need some guns. James Bond's car had guns.

Stroker:
Two weeks?

Ms. Peach:
And what will you be bringing to our Cul-De-Sac clean-up and cookout this weekend? We need desserts.

Stroker:
How about cups?

Ms. Peach:
Well, that's the lazy way out, but fine. Cups it is.

[Stroker and Hoop watches a random DVD that came from Stroker's yard]

Rod Larabie:
Hi, I'm Rod Larabie with an important message from the Pornography Film Institute. Won't you join me in helping pass down out porn to future generations? Without your help, classic moments like this, the first interracial midget 3-way in cinema history will soon vanish.

[the video goes to the next scene where they play Stroke-Her and Boob]

Hoop:
HOLY COW!

Hot Woman:
Somebody stole my jewels?

Hot Woman #2:
Let's hire Stroke-Her and Boob.

Hot Woman:
But they're the crappiest detectives in town.

Stroker:
[on TV] Did someone call for Detective Stroke-Her?

Hoop:
[on TV] And his lame-ass sidekick Boob?

Hoop:
Wow. What a makeup job.

Stroker:
We'll help you find the jewels.

Hoop:
Yeah, in our pants.

Stroker:
We'll start by doing to you what we do to all our clients.

[Stroker and Hoop have sex with the two hot woman]

Hoop:
Wow, they even got the birthmarks on Boob just like mine.

Stroker:
Stop being an idiot, Hoop. That is us.

Hoop:
Oh, my god, you're right. [disgust] OH, GOD. You're flexible, Stroker.

Stroker:
I just wish I remembered it.

Hoop:
Judd must have drugged us.

Stroker:
That explains the missing two weeks. We're porn stars. How cool is that?

Hoop:
This isn't cool. What if my Mom watches this?

Stroker:
We should probably watch it a couple more times for clues.

Trailer Narrator:
Coming soon, check your local video retailer for "Stroke-Her and Boob 2: They always get their man".

Hoop:
You're under arrest.

White Shirt Man:
For what?

Stroker:
For being number one on my most wanted list.

White Shirt Man:
Are you guys gonna nail me for it?

Stroker:
You bet your sweet ass.

Hoop:
[disgust] OH, GOD.

Stroker:
Judd is going to pay. [tries to break a DVD in half]

Hoop:
We need to find an expert on porn and figure out how he did it.

[cuts to the next scene where Stroker and Hoop are at Double-Wide's garage]

Double-Wide:
First of all, I am not an expert in porn just because I have a small collection of DVDs, laser discs, and vintage 16mm films. Secondly, YOU BASTARDS! YOU WERE IN A PORN MOVIE AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?

Double-Wide:
Congratulations! You! I saw Shades of Peter North in "Encino Housewife Hookers", and I don't say that lightly. On the other hand, the sequel, not as good. I don't know who your agent is, but it's a rather large career misstep.

[Double-Wide gives C.A.R.R. new upgrades by giving him a gun]

Double-Wide:
You're all set, C.A.R.R. Give her a try.

C.A.R.R.:
Finally, a gun. I'm one of the team. One of the boys. Wait a minute. Is that B.B. rattling? A B.B. gun? Aw, you bastards.

Hoop:
There! There's Judd's cameraman and sound guy.

C.A.R.R.:
I got a clear shot. I'm taking him down.

Stroker:
Do not shoot. That is not a toy.

C.A.R.R.:
No, it is a toy. It is definitely a toy.

Stroker:
Come on, Hoop.

C.A.R.R.:
Good luck. If anything happens, I got your back. [pulls up a toy gun] Sort of.

Stroker:
C.A.R.R., here's my credit card. Buy all the copies of "Stroker-Her and Boob 2" and destroy them.

C.A.R.R.:
Credit card? Sweet.

[Stroker and Hoop knock down Cameraman and Sound Guy]

Cameraman:
Take my money. Just don't kill me.

Hoop:
Don't worry, we're just going to knock you out and steal your clothes.

Cameraman:
Oh, you killed Bertie. [cries] Oh, Berite.

Stroker:
We didn't kill Bertie, alright? Now be still.

Cameraman:
He ain't breathing. Bertie.

Stroker:
I know how to knock people out, alright? I'm a detective.

Cameraman:
Do you check?

Hoop:
Check what?

Cameraman:
The people you knock out? Do you follow up, give them tests afterwards to make sure they're not brain damaged?

Hoop:
Actually, Stroker, that's not a bad sugg--

[Stroker gets back on hitting the cameraman again with the bottle]

Cameraman:
OW, CRAP! I feel my head swelling. My left side is going numb. Hey, how about I just pretend I'm knocked out?

[ten minutes later]

Hoop:
These cowboy boots do not want to come off.

Stroker:
Friggin' jeans. Damn it. We're going to miss the plane.

[thirty minutes later]

Stroker:
Ugh, leave his underwear, Hoop.

Hoop:
Hey, Stroker, when I get into character, I do it completely.

[Stroker and Hoop disguises themseleves as the Cameraman and Sound Guy]

Stroker (as Cameraman):
Hey, sorry we're late.

Judd Winner:
Areola, where are Bertie and Sid?

Areola:
I don't know. Bertie said he'd be here.

Hoop (as Sound Guy):
They were having trouble, uh, some trouble with their gear.

Judd Winner:
Areola, I pay you to know this crap. You think hot college chicks are going to flash their b*obs at two out-of-shape 40-year-old douchebags who can't even dress themselves.

Stroker (as Cameraman):
[triggered]

Hoop (as Sound Guy):
[sadly insulted]

Stroker (as Cameraman):
So, Mr. Winner, caught "Stroke-Her and Boob". Great work, great work.

Hoop (as Sound Guy):
I thought boob really had a luminous quality.

Stroker (as Cameraman):
Really? I thought Stroker stole the show. He's pretty sexy. So how'd you get famous detective like Stroker and Ho--

Judd Winner:
Stop talking and sit the hell down. We're 15 minutes late. In 15 minutes, Judd Winner makes more money than you two idiots make all year. In 15 minutes, Judd Winner could have shot 50 pairs of b*obs.

Stroker (as Cameraman):
Hey, how we doing tonight? So, uh. you girls want to flash your tops, or...

Hot Girl #1:
Screw off.

Hoop (as Sound Guy):
Wait, don't be offended. We've got Mardi Grad beads.

Hot Girl #1:
It's not Mardi Gras, ok?

Stroker (as Cameraman):
Give me a break. It's the same beads.

Judd Winner:
Allow me to offer you a free "Gals Gone Wild" t-shirt.

[suddenly Areola lifts up her shirt revealing her breasts to hypnotize the two drunk girls]

Areola:
Look into my nipples. Look into my nipples-- Not around the nipples, but in the nipples, and you're out.

Areola:
Ok, you're horny college girls who want to lift your shirts for the cameras.

[the hot girls starts to lift their shirts off for the cameras]

Areola:
Alright now, stick your tongues out and make out.

Areola:
Alright, now say, "We love Gals Gone Wild".

Hot Girls:
WE LOVE "GALS GONE WILD"!

Areola:
Alright, now read this. [shows a note]

Hot Girls:
[reading] "I hereby give permission for the worldwide use of this footage in any format to "Gals Gone Wild" productions, L.L.C. [cheering]

Areola:
Great. Now when I lower my top, you'll wake up and have no memory of this. 3, 2, 1, and you're back.

Hot Girl #2:
We don't want to be in your sleazy tape, ok? So just leave us alone.

[the hot girls leaved]

Judd Winner:
[to Stroker (as Cameraman)] They're in for a little surprise on tv next month, huh? [laughs]

Stroker (as Cameraman):
So that's your secret -- Hypnosis?

Judd Winner:
What did you think? TV turned a whole generation of girls into sleazy whores? That we normalizes promiscuous behavior to the point where college chicks would get naked for millions of masturbating men for the price of a trucker's hat? Come on, guys, of course it's hypnosis.

C.A.R.R.:
[on a call] Hello, yes. I'd like to order al your copies of "Stroke-Her and Boob 2", please. Yes, sir, every single one. How many is that? They made that many? Ok, I'll pay with VISA.

[suddenly a squirrel jumps on C.A.R.R.]

C.A.R.R.:
[on a call] Whoa, whoa. Wow. I'm sorry. Could you hold one second? DIE, SQUIRREL! [shoots the squirrel with a toy gun]

C.A.R.R.:
Ok, I'm back.

Ms. Peach:
We missed you at the cookout. We had no cups. We had to share swigs from 2-litter bottles of Pepsi.

C.A.R.R.:
[holding the toy gun directly at Ms. Peach] Just say the word and I'll drop her, Stroke.

Stroker:
What's all this mail?

C.A.R.R.:
Oh, it's the copies of "Stroke-Her and Boob 2", just like you asked. Oh, one hiccup-- Uh, once they sell out, they make more, so we're into the third printing. But no problemo. I took out a home equity loan in your name to pay for it.

Stroker:
Wait a minute. What?

C.A.R.R.:
On the bright side, congratulations. You and Hoop have been nominated for some awards. Hoop was nominated for 10, including best newcomer.

Stroker:
How many did I get?

C.A.R.R.:
One-- Best Cleveland steamer.

Stroker:
[on phone] What is it now, Hoop?

Hoop:
Have you turned on the tv lately?

Stroker:
No, why?

[Hoop bring the phone to the tv that shows a new porn commercial of themselves again]

Commercial Narrator:
From Judd Winner, the maker of "Gals Gone Wild", comes a little something for the ladies-- "Sack Flashers".

[shows a scene where Stroker and Hoop shows their butts in front of the camera]

Commercial Narrator:
It takes balls to do what have got them and more. They're Sack Flashers.

Stroker and Hoop:
[on TV] WE LOVE "SACK FLASHERS"!

Stroker:
OH, IT'S A SACK ATTACK. OW!

Commercial Narrator:
Order now and get "Sack Flashers 2: Sacks In the City", with bonus material-- "Beach Balls"!

Commercial Narrator:
Our first 100 callers get this free "Sack Flashers" tote sack. Operators are standing by. You'd be nuts to pass up on this offer. Call now or visit Sackflashers.com for exclusive downloads.

Stroker:
[sighs] Hoop, I got another call.

Hoop:
Eh, catch you later. I've got to go break all the TVs before Mom tries to watch "Monk".

Stroker:
[on phone] Yello?

Angel:
"Sack Flashers"?

Stroker:
Hi, Angel.

Angel:
Why can't you get a normal job? Nobody wants to see your sack. I've seen it and it ain't all that, ok?

Stroker:
Listen, Angel--

Angel:
Keith was watching cartoons when your commercial came on. What kind of sick mind advertises their sacks during "Spongebutt"? He's gone blind, Stroker, blind. The doctor says it is hysterical blindness. He's so embarrassed by the hot sacks. Keith, Keith! Stay away from there! I've got to go. But I want part of the royalties, ok?

Stroker:
Judd Winner is going down.

C.A.R.R.:
Oh, that reminds me. You were also nominated for the best actor going down on a--

Stroker:
Enough.

Double-Wide:
You're the stars of the hottest new narrative porn property in years and you make "Sack Flashers"? We could have done 18 more "Stroke-Her and B*obs". I could have gotten you gross points and a pay-per-view special. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?

Stroker:
Listen, Double-Wide--

Double-Wide:
No, you listen. How do you expect to win a porny award when you're dabbling in the amateur stuff? It's a slap in the face to the entire industry.

Stroker:
Look, we need you to build a device to infiltrate Judd Winner's estate without getting hypnotized.

Hoop:
We've got to get evidence of Judd's misdeed and expose him at the porny awards.

Double-Wide:
Ok, one condition.

Stroker:
What?

Double-Wide:
You guys sign with me for exclusive representation.

Stroker:
We're not--

Double-Wide:
No negotiation. Scripts, contracts, press-- From now on, everything goes through me.

[while Double-Wide is working on un-hypnotizing device, he still feels disappointed at Stroker and Hoop for not making more porn movies of Stroke-Her and Boob]

Hoop:
Can we help?

Double-Wide:
Yes. You can help me by not asking any more dumbass questions.

Double-Wide:
I give you the Porno-Cam XLS. Most of the time was just getting the FRICKING LETTERING RIGHT!

Stroker:
What?

Double-Wide:
Try them on.

Stroker:
How do I turn it on? I can't see crap.

Double-Wide:
Exactly. If you can't see her, she can't hypnotize you.

Stroker:
Well, how in the hell are we supposed to catch Judd when we can't see anything?

Double-Wide:
This camera will send video to a monitor inside C.A.R.R. and I'll guide you remotely, and I'll be recording everything so we can nail Judd.

Hoop:
Double-Wide, you're a genius. Come here, you big lug. Don't be shy! [hugs Stroker instead of Double-Wide while wearing porno glasses]

[Stroker and Hoop went inside the Judd's building while wearing porno glasses so Double Wide can tell which way to go]

Double-Wide:
Ok, guys, keep walking straight ahead. Stop right there, Stroker. Now slowly scan from left to right and back again. That's amazing.

Stroker:
What's amazing?

Double-Wide:
It's the actual ball gag from the original "Ass Blasters".

[the Annual Porny Awards starts with an introduction]

Woman:
[singing] Light the lights, and start the song...

Woman #2:
[singing] Put on make-up...

Male Midget:
[singing] And shine your dong.

Japanese Businessman:
Hypnotizing co-eds isn't enough anymore. DVD sales are down.

Judd Winner:
Oh, it's just a blip. When the new infomercials hit the air--

Japanese Businessman:
No! The Japanese market isn't excited by "Gals Gone Wild" any longer. We demand something wilder.

Judd Winner:
I need more time.

Japanese Businessman:
Then the private jets and wild parties must stop.

Judd Winner:
[sighs] Areola, bring out the cage. I was hoping to have time to perfect them, but since you insist, I present to you "Gals Gone Wilder".

Japanese Businessman:
What makes them wilder?

Judd Winner:
We took our hottest, horniest co-eds, and spliced them with DNA from wild tigers.

[reveals the hot co-eds in human tiger forms]

Hot Girl #2:
Meow!

Hot Girl #1:
Oh my god. I'm like so drunk y'all.

Japanese Businessman:
Oh, my god. Judd Winner, you've done it again! You're a genius! The furries are going to love this.

Stroker:
What are furries?

Double-Wide:
Men who like half-animal chicks. We've-- They've had to make do with costumes until now.

Hoop:
Judd Winner, Japanese investor, your sick experiments end now.

Judd Winner:
Stop him, Areola.

[as Areola was about to lift up her breasts]

Stroker:
[pulls up his gun to Areola] First sign of pink and I shoot.

[as Stroker pushes the button to let the hot co-eds free]

Judd Winner:
Moron! Do you realize what you've done?

Stroker:
Yeah, saved a bunch of wild co-ed girls. And they're gonna be grateful.

Hot Girl #2:
Do you guys like to party?

Stroker:
Yes, we do.

Hot Girl #1:
Oh my god. He's going to bring the vanilla stoli!

[the hot co-eds suddenly tackles the asian businessman and eats him]

Asian Businessman:
[while getting mauled by two wild co-eds girls] Heaven.

Stroker:
Holy [bleep]!

Judd Winner:
I said they weren't ready yet. What do you think? Still too much tiger, right?

Hot Girl #2:
This is so good, you guys.

Hot Girl #1:
Oh my god, does eating people make you fat?

Rod:
Wow, what a thrill it is be hosting the 23rd Annual Porny Awards with you, Henna.

Henna:
Thanks, Rod. You know, the pornies have a special place in my heart. Before winning my first golden bone last year, I'd been nominated a record 17 times.

Rod:
Now that's what I call a sore loser.

[Stroker and Hoop escapes from the two co-eds tiger girls]

Stroker:
C.A.R.R., cover us!

C.A.R.R.:
Die, you bastards! [shoots them with a BB gun]

Double-Wide:
No, you're making a mistake! We could tame them!

[after Stroker and Hoop won the Annual Porny Awards for Stroke-Her and Boob, Hoop's plan is to now expose Judd for illegal reasons about the movie]

Hoop:
If I may, a few words about Judd Winner. Um, Judd...thank you for believing in me, for nurturing me. I-I couldn't have done it, uh, without you. Um...y-you are truly an amazing person.

Stroker:
Stop! STOP!

Hoop:
[cries] I love you--

[Hoop cooks burgrers with dvds of Stroke-Her and Boob 2 copies]

Hoop:
How's your burger, Double-Wide?

Double Wide:
Little plasticky, but good.

Stroker:
You quit pretending you're blind, and I'll let you play with your new B.B. gun.

Keith:
Oh, boy, that's so cool!

C.A.R.R.:
[to Stroker] You bastard.

Ms. Peach:
I have a new Cul-De-Sac ticket for you, Mr. Stroker.

Stroker:
Look, Peach, I-- [sees the ticket] "Best sack on the Cul-De-Sac"?

Ms. Peach:
I didn't know we had a celebrity in our midst.

Mailman:
Excuse me.

[Stroker opens the package and sees another porn movie of themselves again called Stroke-Her and Boob 3, Getting Your Goat]

Stroker:
Not again.

Double-Wide:
That's just gross-- And I'm jaded.

Sensei:
Is everyone prepared for class?

Kids and Stroker:
Yes, Sensei.

Sensei:
Mr. Stroker-San, I do not see your check in my folder.

Stroker:
Sensei, a month ago I ordered new checks with eagles, and last week the idiots sent me checks with kittens on them.

Ninja:
Surrender the handle of the Sword of the Fire Lotus or prepare to die.

Sensei:
Ninjas of the Fire Lotus. I knew one day we would meet again. For 3,000 years, my family has guarded this handle to prevent you from assembling the Sword of the Fire Lotus into the world's mightiest weapon. Many died defending it, but the sacrifice was necessary.

Stroker:
Why didn't you just burn it or flush it down the toilet or something?

Sensei:
The reason is-- [realizes] Oh, [bleep]. I guess because we never thought of it!

[Stroker tries to shoot one of the ninjas, but they dodged them instantly]

Stroker:
Damn, they're good. Our class was a ripoff.

[as the ninjas were about to slice Stroker and his son, Hoop shoots one of the ninjas for real this time]

Stroker:
Oh, [bleep] me.

Hoop:
Are you guys, ok?

Stroker:
You ok?

Keith:
I'm alright.

Stroker:
We're ok. We just got splattered with brains.

Hoop:
[voice breaking] Well, the ninja isn't. I -- Well, I think he might be dead.

Stroker:
[sarcastic] Oh, really? You think?

Coroner Rick:
Hey, hey, speaking of crapping your pants, that ninja really let loose when your bullet sliced through his cerebrum, Hoop. P.U.!

Hoop:
[sobs]

Coroner Rick:
Aw, what's the matter, Hoop?

Hoop:
I never killed anyone before.

Coroner Rick:
Well, if it's any consolation, he didn't feel a thing.

Hoop:
He didn't?

Coroner Rick:
What's he going to feel it with, Hoop, the part of his brain on the sidewalk or the part in the tree? Or the part of Keith's hair? [laughs] Oh, Hoop, you crack me up.

[Hoop share his moments with the ninja he shotted]

Hoop:
Dear dead ninja-- Oh, god, slimy hand. [clears throat] It's me, Hoop. Even though you're dead--

[C.A.R.R. honks horn]

C.A.R.R.:
Don't shoot me, Hoop. [laughs] Hey, congratulations on bagging the ninja, buddy.

Stroker:
Come on, let's get out of here, Hoop. I got to get Keith a shampoo before I take him back to his Mom's.

Hoop:
Do you guys mind? I'm trying to make a sacred pledge here.

Stroker:
What's your problem? We shoot people all the time. God, you think you'd be happy. I mean, this one actually was self-defense.

Hoop:
I have a little confession. I've never shot anyone before.

Stroker:
What?

Hoop:
All these years, I've been aiming over their heads.

Stroker:
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Hoop:
This is me turning the other cheek, Stroker. I'm a man of peace now.

Stroker:
So what, you quit again?

Hoop:
I'm afraid so.

Stroker:
What is this, the tenth time you've quit? It's getting old, Hoop. [drives off]

Hoop:
Wait! I still wanted a ride, you bastard! I mean, bless them. Walking will be good for me. [slips on ninja blood]

Coroner Rick:
Hey, watch the brains, alright? They're slippery. [laughs]

Ninja #2:
This man Stroker is the new guardian of the handle, master.

Ninja Leader:
After 3,000 years-- So close, and you failed me.

[Ninja #2 starts to get worried when he failed of what's about to happen to him]

Ninja Leader:
I see that you are worried. Relax. It would be insane for me to kill you, not to mention bad for morale of the group.

Ninja #2:
Thank you, master. Very good.

Ninja Leader:
THIS HOW MUCH I CARE ABOUT GROUP MORALE! [slices off a ninja member]

Ninja Leader:
[laughs] I'm just fooling with you. I had you worried there for a seconds, didn't I?

Ninja #2:
A little.

[Stroker gives C.A.R.R.'s brain to his son so he take the bomb off of the car that the ninjas planted]

Stroker:
Ok, I see an alarm clock strapped to a couple sticks of dynamite. Nothing to worry about. There, that ought to do it.

C.A.R.R.:
Good job, Stroke. How'd you disarm it?

[C.A.R.R.'s vehicle explodes]

Stroker:
I didn't.

Keith:
Oh, my god, dude.

Stroker:
These ninjas are pretty damn persistent. We're better off having them think we're dead.

C.A.R.R.:
YOU A-HOLE!

Hoop:
Double-Wide, can I put a jar by the counter? I'm starting a college fund for the orphaned sons and daughters of dead ninjas.

Double-Wide:
Uh, I don't know. Once you get started with those charities--

Hoop:
Well, you already have one for the handicapped kids.

Double-Wide:
Well, I'll be damned. [laughs] I always thought that was a take-a-penny, leave-a-penny.

Ninja #3:
Where's the handle?

[Ninja #4 founds a note and shows him a fake note that Stroker and his son got exploded from the car with the Sword of the Fire Lotus inside of it]

Ninja #3:
Oh, great. We're dead.

[after Stroker's plan worked for doing a fake death so the ninjas won't get the Sword of the Fire Lotus]

Stroker:
No work, no school -- We should have pretended we were dead years ago.

C.A.R.R.:
I am going to kill you.

[Keith gets the phone]

Stroker:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Son, what are you doing?

Keith:
Calling Mommy.

Stroker:
Keith, we're pretending we're dead, ok? Dead people don't call their mommies. She'll only think you're dead for 2, 3 days, tops. How bad can that be?

[cuts to the next scene where Angel is crying that his son is dead]

Angel:
[cries] OH, NO! MY SON! OH, NO!

[at the ninjas' base, one of the ninjas shows the fake note to the ninja leader of what happened a couple minutes ago]

Ninja Leader:
J.S.? J.S. That could be anyone?

Ninja #5:
Jimmy Smits?

Ninja Leader:
Jimmy Smits? JIMMY SMITS!

[Ninja Leader slices the 3 ninjas in half]

Ninja Leader:
[to his accountant] Bring in more ninjas please.

Hoop:
[drunk] I wanna dedicate this song to my best friend, who just died.

Audience:
[gasps]

Hoop:
[to Double-Wide who passed out] Not him-- My earlier best friend. He died for nothing, for the stupid handle of the stupid Fire Lotus. And so tonight, I just want you all to know that I'm planning to brutally avenge his death.

Audience:
[still gasping]

[as Hoop was about to leave, Souko throws ninja stars at him and almost sliced off Hoop's balls]

Hoop:
[struggled] Ow. You nicked them.

Souko:
Oh, Mr. Hoop, so sorry. Sometimes that stars rises rift.

[Stroker and Keith look outside the window of the church and see their family members remembering the memories of Stroker and Keith]

Mrs. Jimenez:
Such a shame about Keith not going to heaven because he never went to confession.

Keith:
[cries] Oh, my god.

Stroker:
Why are you crying?

Keith:
[cries] I'm not going to heaven because I never went to confession.

Stroker:
Of course, you're not going to heaven, Keith. You're not even dead yet.

Keith:
[cries] I don't want to go to hell, Dad.

Stroker:
You stop crying right now or I am never taking you to another funeral again, got it?

[Double-Wide opens up for Stroker and Keith]

Double-Wide:
First let me say how honored I was to be asked by angel to speak today-- Honored and a touch surprised, because I think everybody knows how much money Stroker owed me. [wheezes] Probably never see any of that again, right, Steve?

Double-Wide:
Steve is, uh, Stroker's brother. He's an attorney. [wheezes]

Double-Wide:
Well, this is awkward.

Double-Wide:
Damn it. Can I start over? I'm sorry. Forget that happened, Father.

Double-Wide:
John Strockmeyer, beloved friend to many, family member to some, private detective to all.

Angel:
BASTARD!

Double-Wide:
Bastard to a select handful.

Woman:
Oh, Stroker, you were too young. We could have been great together.

Angel:
Who the hell do you think you are, b*tch, huh? He's my ex-husband.

Double-Wide:
[sings while the two woman are fighting]

Stroker:
[narrating] I had several thoughts racing through my head at that precise moment. 1: Never bring your son to his own funeral. It was a crappy idea and I was prepared to take the blame for it. 2: Who the hell was that hot chick and where was she when I was supposedly alive? And 3: Where was Hoop? That bastard didn't even care about me dying?

[Hoop tries to write Japanese]

Souko:
"Vengeance is mine".

Hoop:
"Hoop's bedroom".

[Hoop does karate techniques on objects]

Souko:
Left hand. Right foot. Forehead. Do left ass. Now do right ass.

Souko:
Now that you have mastered the skill of the assassin, I must give you your graduation present.

Hoop:
Very pretty wrapping paper. I'll hold onto that.

Souko:
You are making me blush, Mr. Hoop. These are the names and addresses of the men who blew up Stroker, Keith, and C.A.R.R.

Hoop:
Aw, how thoughtful.

Souko:
Now are you ready for your second present?

Hoop:
Sure.

[Souko takes off her robe]

Hoop:
Alright, a new robe!

[Stroker and Keith disguises themselves as ghosts]

Keith:
Yo, Grandma.

Mrs. Jimenez:
Oh, my god. Is that you Keith?

Keith:
You don't have to worry. Uh, I'm in heaven now.

Mrs. Jimenez:
Keithy, my little nino.

Stroker:
Heaven is an awesome place Mrs. Jimenez. We'll see you there real soon. Come on, son.

Keith:
Also, grandma, uh, do you have my shoe?

Mr. Jimenez:
AY, DIOS MIO! [closes the door]

Hoop:
Give me a cherry slushee, a copy of "Juggs", couple of scratch-offs, and, uh, ah, this jerky rope.

[Hoop scratches off a lottery ticket]

Hoop:
Jerry Sears?

Jerry Sears:
Yeah?

Hoop:
Looks like your number's up, pal.

[Hoop blows the dust piece off to him, and whips the jerky rope around Jerry's neck]

Hoop:
This is for Stroker, you bastard.

Jerry Sears:
[strangled] What's Stroker?

Hoop:
You know, you're a pretty crappy ninja.

Jerry Sears:
THAT'S BECAUSE I'M A BASSIST!

Hoop:
Well, you better get ready to trade in your bass...for a harp...in hell!

[Hoop killed Jerry]

Hoop:
Tell your ninja buddies you've been hooped.

Hoop:
Frank Wilson?

Frank Wilson:
Yeah?

Hoop:
I'm Hoop...Stroker's partner? I guess you know why I'm here.

Frank Wilson:
Are you looking for Frank Nelson in H.R.? Because I get his mail sometimes.

Hoop:
Nice try. [took one of Frank's CDs]

Frank Wilson:
Uh ,hey, buddy, those are my blank CDs.

Hoop:
Don't worry, frankie boy, I'll let you burn them...IN HELL!

[Hoop kills Frank by throwing CDs]

[Stroker sees his stuff being taken away by having an auction]

Auctioneer:
5, 55, 55, 55, 55!

Stroker:
What the hell?

Auctioneer:
5, 5, 55! Mayday, mayday! Come on, folks, I'm giving this stuff away today. Do I hear $5.50 for lot with the baby pictures and the private journal?

Stroker:
[whispered] Yo, Double-Wide.

Double-Wide:
Yeah, one, one, one second, Stroker. They're about to auction off the porn and the yearbooks.

Hoop:
Ben Kim?

Ben Kim:
Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing in my house? Who are you?

Hoop:
I'm just a friend. What are we cooking?

Ben Kim:
Eggs.

Hoop:
Oh, perfect. I'll make you toast.

[Hoop hits Ben Kim with a frying pan and then shoves him into the oven burning him]

Hoop:
Ben? Ben, can you hear me? If you think that's hot...wait 'til you get to hell! [sniffs] Something smells deliciousssssss.

Deborah:
[on TV] Scores of people with the initials J.S., including beloved actor Jimmy Smits, have been murdered...

Hoop:
What the hell, man? You could've have told me you were alive? You told Double-Wide. I was your partner.

C.A.R.R.:
We were worried you'd blab. You're a blabber.

Stroker:
It's true, you are a blabber.

Hoop:
Dude, I killed 3 ninjas avenging your death.

Stroker:
Man, how am I going to get my stuff back? I can't believe Double-Wide didn't have more cash on him.

Hoop:
Are you even listening to me?

Stroker:
What? Oh, uh, yeah. I owe you one buddy, no doubt.

Hoop:
I killed 3 ninjas!

Stroker:
Oh, then you know where their lair is.

Hoop:
Actually, I caught them at their day jobs.

Stroker:
Ninjas don't have day jobs. They're ninjas.

Keith:
[to Hoop] Did they fight like ninjas?

Hoop:
...Crap.

[Stroker and Hoop fight against Ninja Leader]

Ninja Leader:
[laughs] Fool! You don't stand a chance against my loyal squad of trained assassins.

[sees no ninjas at his lair]

Ninja Leader:
[covering his mouth as the ninja henchmen] Be right there, boss!

[Hoop find another piece that connects the Sword of the Fire Lotus]

Hoop:
Now that I alone posses the Sword of the Fire Lotus.

Ninja Leader:
You fooled me. They say that with the Sword of the Fire Lotus, one becomes immortal. Kill me quickly.

Hoop:
Oh, I'm not going to kill ya.

Ninja Leader:
No, please, it will be an honor to die by the Sword of the Fire Lotus.

Hoop:
If you insist. Let's see here, how does this thing work? Well, I guess I just pull the trigger.

[Hoop pulls the trigger of the sword making it flash a light on him]

Ninja Leader:
IT BURNS SO HOT! THE FIRE LOTUS IS CONSUMING MY FLESH! I see a light. I'm heading towards it.

Hoop:
What the hell is this? The amazing power of the sword is that it shines a light?

Ninja Leader:
Legend said its power shined like a lantern. We always thought that was a metaphor.

Stroker:
Must have been pretty cool before the flashlight.

Ninja Leader:
Hey, Hoop, I'll give you $50 for it.

Hoop:
Before we fight, would you tell me who my victims were?

Souko:
They were old boyfriend. Don't worry, they were total bastard. One of them slept with my roommate. Another told me he'd call, and guess what? He never did.

Hoop:
Prepare to taste the awesome heat of the Fire Lotus!

[as Hoop and Souko slash their swords, Hoop's weak sword breaks]

Hoop:
Piece of crap 3-piece sword.

[C.A.R.R. gets plugged up into a coffee machine]

Double-Wide:
Give me a decaf.

C.A.R.R.:
Yeah? Get your own damn decaf.

Double-Wide:
If you won't make me coffee, I'll just hook you up to one of the urinals instead.

Stroker:
Hoop, can I borrow your Mom's car? I got to take Keith back to Angel's.

Hoop:
She doesn't know he's alive?

Stroker:
Not yet.

Hoop:
It's been two weeks.

Stroker:
I know, I know. I can't keep procrastinating.

Hoop:
[narrating] And so ends our tale of two star-crossed...

Stroker:
[narrating] And that's how I ended up lying in a pool of...

Stroker:
I'm sorry, uh, Hoop?

Hoop:
Hey, Stroker. Sorry, I thought we'd switched points of view, but you go ahead.

Stroker:
Yeah, thanks. [clears throat] And that's how I ended up lying unconscious in a pool of blood. Call it an occuapational hazard, like sleeping with too many sexy women.

Stroker:
Hey, Double-Wide. Mind if I watch the game here? Cable idiots say they didn't get my check.

Double-Wide:
Stroker! Have a cigar.

Stroker:
Whoa, don't mind if I do.

Double-Wide:
You're just in time to check out my new invention. This one is gonna make me rich. Ta-da! [reveals his invention]

Stroker:
Looks like one of those ashtray air purifier things.

Double-Wide:
[laughs] One of those ashtray purifier things. Oh, Stroker! But wait. What have we here? Oh, my god! It opens up! Is that a mouth-watering rotisserie chicken smoking to perfection inside? Holy smokes, it is! It purifies the air while it smokes your meats. It's the Holy Smoker.

[Double-Wide shows Stroker an infomercial]

Double-Wide:
Let me show you my infomercial. You guys can focus group it for me.

Todd:
[on TV] You've heard all about the amazing ToddCo Lint Loom, right folks? Which takes ordinary dryer lint and weaves amazing designer sweaters just like the one I'm wearing now...

Double-Wide:
Well, well. Look who we have here. My old nemesis.

Todd:
Listen, it's nothing compared to what I am about to unveil. Do you want to remove the smell of tobacco from your home?

Double-Wide:
Of course.

Todd:
And do you love smoked ham?

Double-Wide:
Damn straight! Wait, what the hell?

Todd:
Introducing the ToddCo Secondhand Smoker.

Todd's Assistant:
Goodbye black lung, hello blackened snapper. [laughs]

Double-Wide:
That bastard stole my million dollar idea -- Again!

Stroker:
Double-Wide! Double-Wide, simmer down. It's just a coincidence.

Double-Wide:
Coincidence? Look at this. I call it my box of broken dreams. It's every invention that Todd beat me to market with. My home Liposuction Kit, the Blubber Scrubber.

Stroker:
I recognize that thing with the spring.

Double-Wide:
The Scrotum Hair Trimmer, rad-nads.

Stroker:
Yeah, that thing doesn't work for crap.

Double-Wide:
Yes, it does!

Newswoman:
I'm live outside the Vally Vista nuclear plant where a handful of protestors--

Hoop:
A handful? There's a little bit more than a handful of protesters here.

Deborah:
There's 3 of you.

Hoop:
Well, try putting all 3 of us in your hand! Nobody's hand is big enough to hold us, you corporate whore. Hi, Mom! And nobody's gonna cut down this tree as long me and this badger have something to say about it.

Deborah:
I don't think that's a badger.

Hoop:
Well, if he's not a badger, then -- AAH! PORCUPINE!

[Hoop gets sting in the balls with porcupine hair]

News Reporter:
[laughs] That's priceless.

[Hoop suddenly get superpowers]

Hoop:
That porcupine. It must've been radioactive, giving me superpowers. Ah, [bleep]! Gotta be careful from the needles.

Hoop's Mom:
What needles? Hoop, you ok?

Hoop:
Mom, stop eavesdropping, alright? I'm ok. [Hoop's porcupine hair goes back to his normal self] Holy cow, this is big.

Hoop's Mom:
What's big?

Hoop:
MOM!

Todd:
Hey, folks don't you love the taste of hot dogs roasted over a campfire?

Audience:
Mmm...

Vicky:
But who wants the inconvenience of going outside these days? With the bugs, the rain, the teenaged rapists trying to molest your grandchildren.

Grandparents:
...

Todd:
Well, Vicky, now you can have the real camp experience without leaving the safety of your home. Introducing the ToddCo Kitchen Campfire.

Double-Wide:
This is insane. I wrote that exact idea in my journal last month.

Todd:
And they won't catch fire and burn you like those wooden sticks always do. Who wants a taste?

Stroker:
Me!

Todd:
Here you go, sir.

[Stroker takes a bite out of the smoking hot dog]

Stroker:
Oh...oh, my god. That's so good. [to the camera] ToddCo Kitchen Campfire is the original and the best. Now I can get a real campfire tastes without leaving the modern comforts of the Stroker Detective Agency. Look for us on the web.

Todd:
Hey, that is great, huh, folks? Hey, how about you, ma'am?

Double-Wide:
[to Stroker] The original? Whose side are you on?

Double-Wide:
Over here, please! Todd! I'd like to taste your sausage!

Todd:
Here you go, sir.

[Double-Wide takes a bite of the smoking hot dog]

Double-Wide:
Interesting. Tastes slightly gamey. Is this cooked all the way through? I hope I don't get food poisoning because you didn't add a built-in meat thermometer to the roasting stick. IF YOU'RE GONNA STEAL MY INVENTION, AT LEAST STEAL IT RIGHT, MORON!

Audience:
[gasps]

Todd:
This man is crazy. Get him out of here.

Double-Wide:
[to the camera] I want all America to know that this man stole my ideas. FraudCo! That's what you should call your company!

Audience:
[groans]

Double-Wide:
OH, YOU PEOPLE SUCK! I WOULD NEVER SELL MY INVENTIONS TO YOU! YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF SIMPLE AND DELICIOUS COOKING!

Audience:
[boos]

Stroker:
Hey, if anybody has any clues on how Todd's stealing my client's ideas, call the number on this matchbook!

Hoop:
Hey, how'd it go inside?

Double-Wide:
We exposed the thieving bastard in front of millions of people on live television.

Stroker:
You thought that was live?

Double-Wide:
Of course. I'm not into pointlessly humiliating myself. [chuckles then realizes] Oh, crap.

Stroker:
Find anything good in ToddCo's trash?

Hoop:
ToddCo employees are crazy for their chinese food. I think it's an important clue.

Stroker:
You're in the wrong dumpster, Hoop.

Stroker:
Let's just make sure we have the correct purse here. Janice, is that your current address? You wouldn't happen to have your phone number in here, would you? [laughs] Oh, look. A tampon.

Hoop:
Did someone call for the Porcupine of Righteousness?

Stroker:
Hoop, what the hell are you doing?

Hoop:
Hoop Schwartz, the mild-mannered detective? I just saw him in the bathroom. I am the Porcupine of Righteousness, and you have made me angry, punk. And you won't like me when I'm angry, because I burst out in razor sharp quills. LIKE THIS!

[as Hoop tries to release his spikes, they didn't come out]

Hoop:
Huh. Maybe I'm not angry enough. Um, say something mean.

Stroker:
Hoop, you're an idiot.

Hoop:
No, nothing. Meaner.

Stroker:
Hoop, you friggin' idiot.

Double-Wide:
You crapsucker!

Burglar:
Anus face.

Stroker:
You smell.

Burglar:
Pussywillow.

Double-WIde:
You dip [bleep].

Janice:
Ichabod crane-looking, no fashion, skinny-ass freak.

Hoop:
Gee...you didn't have to go that far.

[after Hoop accidentally throws a dart at Stroker]

Hoop:
Sorry, Stroker. I'm still in that funny/awkward "getting to know your superpowers" phase.

Stroker:
Hey, sucking at darts is not a superpower.

Hoop:
I thought you could be my sidekick, Quillboy.

Stroker:
Sidekick? You're my friggin' sidekick!

Hoop:
The power has shifted. I have superpowers now.

Stroker:
Superheroes suck. They're for 12 year old nerds and 30 year old virgins.

Double-Wide:
[to Stroker] Easy, now.

Hoop:
My porcupine sense is telling me that I am not wanted here.

C.A.R.R.:
Alright, Hoop. One of your powers actually works.

Hoop:
Quivering quills! Are those male prostitutes, or are they just waiting for the bus?

[Hoop get behind the the dumpster and change his superhero form]

Hoop:
Gentlemen, last time I checked, prostitution was illegal around here. Time to beat it, boys. Unless you're cruisin' for a prickin'.

Prostituted Man:
Ok, but I charge 30 per half hour.

[Ms. Pearl saws the whole thing and call Hoop's Mom]

Ms. Pearl:
[to Hoop's Mom] You know how you've been saying your Hoop has been a little moody and won't get a real job?

Hoop's Mom:
Well, that's what you've been saying.

Ms. Pearl:
Well, I'm watching Hoop turning gay tricks over by the safeway.

Hoop's Mom:
Oh, that's impossible.

Ms. Pearl:
Yeah, he's wearing your fur coat. Maybe he's gonna hock it for drug money.

Hoop's Mom:
That's ridiculous. My coat is right here in my closet where it always is.

[Hoop's Mom opens her closet and sees her fur coat stolen]

Hoop's Mom:
My fur coat!

[Female Intern kisses Stroker for purposed reasons]

Stroker:
Well, alright. Would you like to come in?

Intern:
Do you have any ToddCo products in your house?

Stroker:
Just the turkey cooker. Is this a sales pitch? You're really good at it.

Intern:
No. Shh. They might be watching. We better talk outside.

Stroker:
I'm gonna squeeze your ass to make it more realistic.

Hoop's Mom:
Hoop?

Hoop:
I'm busy, Mom.

Hoop's Mom:
Stop right there, young man. Have you seen my fur coat?

Hoop:
Um...no?

Hoop's Mom:
Don't you lie to me. What's under your shirt?

[takes off Hoop's original shirt and it revealed Hoop's Mom's fur coat]

Hoop's Mom:
It's ruined! Take it off right now.

Hoop:
Mom, I was gonna wait until I was a little more famous to tell you this, but I think you're gonna be proud. I'm a super--

Hoop's Mom:
Oh, my god! Are those tread marks?

Hoop:
What?

Hoop's Mom:
Are those your heroin needles? [sobs] Get out of my house, you druggie!

Hoop:
Mom, you don't understand. You'll never understand me. [runs away after getting Ma's fur coat back]

Intern:
I'm from ToddCo. I saw you at the taping and I knew I needed to see you right away. You were right. Todd has been stealing Double-Wide's ideas.

Stroker:
Seriously? How'd he do it?

Intern:
All his gadgets come quipped with surveillance equipment.

Stroker:
Damn, no more naked turkey cooking.

Intern:
We'd appreciate that.

[the ToddCo Company sees a footage where a product sucked a kid's head off]

ToddCo Sucker Robot:
[evil laugh] Take a little off the top. Wait till Friday.

Vicky:
What's Friday?

Surveillance Guy:
Uh...we don't know.

Hoop:
So yeah, I'm working on some sort of emergency signaling device. But until then, just visit my website if you're in danger.

Red Button Shirt Guy:
Do you know where a laundromat is?

Hoop:
Sorry, I'm a superhero, not a map.

Stroker:
Choose an application? No, you choose a friggin' application. You're the computer.

Todd:
[on phone with Stroker] I want you to bring me that disk and your friend Double-Wide, or else.

Stroker:
Or else what?

Todd:
I'm here with someone very special to you. And every 15 minutes, we're gonna cut off a finger.

Stroker:
Oh, god. Keith.

Todd:
Guess again.

Stroker:
Hoop?

Todd:
Nope.

Stroker:
Angel?

Todd:
Your girlfriend.

Stroker:
...Um, I don't have a girlfriend.

Vicky:
[to Todd] Give me the phone. [to Stroker] Don't play stupid. We've got Paula.

Stroker:
Paula, Paula, Paula. God, man, mmm...

Vicky:
I'm losing patience. Dr. Paula Bowman.

Stroker:
My dermatologist? She's not my girlfriend.

Vicky:
Play the tape.

[Surveillance Guy plays the tape of Stroker and Double-Wide while having a secret camera in the car]

Stroker:
I know, it was the weirdest thing. I mean, there she is giving me a hernia check and uh, hey, I guess she liked what she saw, you know--

Double-Wide:
Your dermatologist?

Stroker:
Well, yeah, I mean, it started as a mole check, you know, but one thing led to another and, uh, we did it on that bench thing with the crinkly paper and now she's my lady.

Dr. Paula Bowman:
That never happened.

Stroker:
[on phone] Yeah, I think your machine mistaped or something. Sorry, guys. Not gonna risk my life for my dermatologist.

Vicky:
Cut off her finger.

Stroker:
Wait, what?

Todd:
[to Paula] Now, don't worry, you won't feel a thing. It has a patented self-sharpening edge that can slice through tin cans like watermelon. It also juliennes.

Dr. Paul Bowman:
NO!

Stroker:
Alright, alright, ok! I'll bring the damn disk.

Vicky:
Meet us at Camino Ensino Los Padres if you ever want to see your dermatologist with fingers again. [hangs up]

Stroker:
Camino Ensino Los Padres, Camino Ensino Los Padres-- Oh, crap! Camino Ensino Los Robles -- Padres. Oh, Camin -- Crap. [calls the number again]

Stroker:
Uh, hey, could you give me that address again? I don't have a pen.

Vicky:
It's ToddCo Headquarters.

Stroker:
Well, you should've said that in the first place instead of trying to be all badass and--

Vicky:
14 minutes.

Stroker:
Wait a minute, you're going to count your bad directions?

Vicky:
[hangs up]

Stroker:
You b*tch!

[Hoop tries to save a cat]

Hoop:
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty. Here, kitty.

Old Cat Lady:
Don't drop him!

Hoop:
I'm not going to drop him, ma'am. Gotcha.

Old Cat Lady:
Don't drop him!

Hoop:
I'm not gonna drop him. I'm doing you a favor. Stop pissing me off. Restrain her, Quillboy.

Quillboy:
[pulls up a knife to the Old Cat Lady] Don't make me cut you, honey.

Hoop:
Damn it, Quillboy! If you cut one more person--

[after Hoop's angry senses start to trigger, his porcupine spikes came out killing the cat]

Hoop:
OH, NOT NOW! OH, SORRY! Sorry, kitty. Sorry about, cat, lady. I'll bring you a new one.

Old Cat Lady:
What are you talking about? My cat's fine.

[the cat suddenly wakes up after getting spiked from Hoop's porcupine quills]

Quillboy:
Yeah, you're crazy, man. I'm gonna jet. This ain't my scene.

Hoop:
Hi, Mom. Don't have time to chat. Have you seen my gun?

Dr. Raymond:
Hi, Hoop. I'm Dr. Raymond.

Hoop:
You got a doctor?

Dr. Raymond:
Listen, Hoop, your mother doesn't blame you for your drug problem or the gay prostitution. Do you?

Hoop's Mom:
Well...

Hoop:
I'm not a druggie, ok? I happen to be the Porcupine of Righteousness.

Dr. Raymond:
He's high.

Hoop's Mom:
Oh, god.

Hoop:
I'm not high! And if you don't let me go. You're gonna taste the quills of vengeance, ok?

Hoop's Mom:
Careful, he might've shared that needle.

Dr. Raymond:
Hoop, I have a quill of my own, ok? Do you want to see what my quill is?

[as Dr. Raymond tried to stab the needle into Hoop, Hoop gunshot the ceiling making a getaway]

Hoop's Mom:
Shooting at your own mother! Here, take your heroin needles. Here, you druggie! I hope you get high as a kite, so high you just fly away!

Dr. Raymond:
Those aren't heroin needles. Those are porcupine needles. They can cause a nasty infection. That could explain his moodiness and hallucinations.

Hoop's Mom:
Is gay prostitution a symptom?

Dr. Raymond:
No. I think he's just gay.

Hoop's Mom:
GET OUT!

Hoop:
Todd, Vicky, prepare to taste the quills of vengeance.

[as Hoop throws the quills to Todd and Vicky, the quills have failed miserably]

Vicky:
Oh, you got us. We surrender.

Todd:
We surrender.

Stroker:
You surrender?

Hoop:
You two are going to prison for a very long time. No matter how you slice it. [laughs] Pun intended.

Hoop:
This is the life, huh, C.A.R.R.?

C.A.R.R.:
It really is paradise. Except for all the mexicans.

Hoop:
C.A.R.R., you know I hate that racist crap.

District Attorney:
Do you carry a weapon in your line of work?

Stroker:
Yes, ma'am. A 9 millimeter semiautomatic.

District Attorney:
The same type of weapon used to kill your best friend and partner.

Judge:
Objection!

District Attorney:
Retracted. [to Stroker] Where were you on the night of March 7th?

Stroker:
I was home alone watching television.

District Attorney:
And then you went to bed?

Stroker:
No. I used my 9 millimeter semiautomatic to KILL MY BEST FRIEND AND PARTNER! What are you gonna do about it, b*tch?

Judge:
Sir, you are out of order!

Stroker:
Oh, yeah? THIS WHOLE PROCEEDING IS OUT OF ORDER! HELL, THIS ENTIRE COUNTRY IS OUT OF ORDER!

Judge:
That's enough.

Stroker:
My only regret is that I didn't save a bullet for you and this incompetent sketch artist!

[cuts to the next scene where the sketch artist is literally drawing Stroker bickering his rants of what he's doing right now]

Judge:
Bailiff, restrain this man!

Stroker:
That doesn't even look like me, man!

Hoop:
Hey, awesome party, MC Homicidal Rapist.

Stroker:
Yeah, it's a real defjam.

MC Homicidal Rapist:
Y'all enjoying my shrimp puffs?

Stroker:
Oh, my god. They melt in the miso.

[MC slaps the shrimp puff out of Stroke's hand]

MC Homicidal Rapist:
Y'all supposed to be body-guarding me, not eating my friggin' pafedero.

Stroker:
Yeah, we're trying to blend in.

MC Homicidal Rapist:
Shut up, b*tch. Now, I'm gonna go hitch some skin.

Hoop:
Wait, I researched this. Do you mean skins as in the vagina or, um, as in rolling papers?

Mobster #1:
Who are you supposed to be?

Mobster #2:
President Polk.

Mobster #1:
They had a Polk mask?

Mobster #2:
You never heard of manifest destiny, b*tch? Maybe you wished Texas were pronounced Tejas.

[after MC Homicidal Rapist get hostaged]

MC Homicidal Rapist:
Look, man, there's no money in there. Please, please, I will give you anything you want -- Jewels, cars, and autographed copy of my platinum album, The Rapes of Wrath.

MC Homicidal Rapist:
Gentlemen, I brought you here to discuss the violent theft of my home movies yesterday evening.

Stroker:
What was on the tapes?

Lil' Rapist:
None of your damn business! Could be murder, drugs, me and the MC getting busy with underage hoes...

MC Homicidal Rapist:
These tapes may mistakenly portray me in an extremely poor light. I could lose everything-- The record contract, the casual menswear line, my new spinoff series, "Law and Order: Ghetto Justice". In light of this, I am prepared to make you a generous offer.

Lil' Rapist:
You have 24 hours to find the tapes or we gonna kill you.

Stroker:
Yeah, we'll take the case.

Hoop:
Thanks for thinking of us.

Stroker:
Did you recognize the men who did it?

MC Homicidal Rapist:
They had presidents masks-- Nixon, Lincoln. I didn't get a good look at the third fellow, but it could have been James K. Polk.

[Lil' Rapist shoves MC]

MC Homicidal Rapist:
I-I mean, they looked like some old white crackers. How am I supposed to know?

Umbrella Guard:
Yeah, how is he supposed to know, bushy hair?

Hoop:
[to Stroker] You're getting dissed by the Personal Umbrella Holder's Personal Umbrella Holder.

Lil' Rapist:
Preposterous has got to be involved somehow. You guys should check out his club.

Stroker:
Who's Preposterous?

Lil' Rapist:
Rival rapper. Him and Homicidal were best friends until two years ago.

Hoop:
He steal one of your b*tches?

MC Homicidal Rapist:
Worse. That mother knocked off several accessories from my Macy's spring collection.

Stroker:
C.A.R.R., take me to a used car lot, please.

C.A.R.R.:
May I ask why?

Stroker:
I'm going undercover. I need some hip hop wheels.

C.A.R.R.:
What do you mean? I'm crook. Slap some spinners and a whistle tip on me and I'm good to go. Woo-woo!

Stroker:
Sorry, buddy, got to trade you in.

C.A.R.R.:
But my seat contours to your ass perfectly. That takes years of working together.

Stroker:
Just don't let on that you're a self-driving talking car. When the moment's right, you can just drive away.

C.A.R.R.:
Well, what if I get bought by mexicans? They can pile in 10 to a car like me, not to mention those big bags of oranges.

Hoop:
C.A.R.R., no racist crap, ok?

[Stroker and Hoop disguised themselves as hip-hop gangsters to get inside the club]

Stroker:
This is really embarrassing, Coroner Rick. Nice going, buddy.

Coroner Rick:
Maybe next time you should buy some disguises instead of borrowing crap from my closet. Now, I'm gonna go see how long the wait is. [leaves]

Stroker:
[to Hoop] He's black. He should know about culture.

Coroner Rick:
What did you say?

Stroker:
I said you're African-American. You should know about your own culture.

Coroner Rick:
So it's African-American to my face and black behind my back, huh?

Stroker:
I'm just saving on syllables.

Coroner Rick:
Uh-huh.

Hoop:
African-American is a lot of syllables.

Stroker:
You wouldn't say African-American on African-American violence, would ya?

Coroner Rick:
Not if I were you. I wouldn't say another word around here.

[Stroker sees another black guy looking deadly straight at him]

Stroker:
[drunk] African-American, black-- All I know is I've got $1,500 to my name. And I'm spending it on Cristal for my ladies!

Coroner Rick:
Stroker, that's your bribe money.

Stroker:
Bribes are for wimps. Cristal is for pimps.

Hoop:
How much for a cranapple?

Bartender:
7.

Hoop:
How much to speak to Preposterous?

Bartender:
Depends on who's asking?

Hoop:
Close personal friend of MC Homicidal Rapist. He wants to close the book on this little rivalry.

Bartender:
You don't look like most of the fellas from his crew.

Hoop:
How do most of the fellas look?

Bartender:
Black.

Hoop:
Well, maybe you'd like to say hello to my little black friend...Sanchez.

[shows his cellphone of Homicidal's black goat]

Hoop:
One of the goats in Homicidal's Petting Zoo. [shows another of pic of Homicidal getting bruised by a mob] I'm really pleased with how this one came out. Good composition.

Preposterous:
No need to fight. No need to fuss. What you want with Preposterous?

Hoop:
Mr. Rapist sorely misses his home videotapes, Mr. Rous. They were important documents in his life history, and we'd be willing to pay for their safe return. As much as, say, um, $800?

Preposterous:
I don't need to plead my innocence. I'm as not guilty as 1,000 tents.

Hoop:
Huh, ok. I can go to $900?

Preposterous:
You say I stole the videotapes? But I was at home...eating grapes.

Hoop:
Were you really eating grapes or did you just say that for the rhyme?

Preposterous:
What you doing in my club? 'Cause I don't like you in my club.

Hoop:
I'm sorry, but strictly speaking, club is not a rhyme with club.

Stroker:
[drunk] I'm not self-conscious anymore. I'm dancing. Look at me, I'm dancing. I'm gonna be dead in 18-- [looks at his clock] 16 hours, but I'm finally dancing.

[Stroker and Hoop gets bailiffed from the club]

Stroker:
Get your hands off me. This is the V.I.P. lounge, b*tch. I want my courvoisier.

Hoop:
Tell Preposterous to get a rhyming dictionary! Rub -- [gets slapped] -- Grub -- [slapped] -- Dub. [slapped] OUCH!

Chico:
Yo, I heard you was looking for the tapes.

Hoop:
You know who has them?

Chico:
I seen them myself, man. There's some seriously twisted [bleep].

Coroner Rick:
Like what?

Chico:
Brother, you don't want to know.

Coroner Rick:
Come on, come on, I'm a Coroner. Brown showers? Beastiality?

Chico:
Worse.

Coroner Rick:
Electric genital torture? Oh, ritual anal mutilations?

Chico:
...

Hoop:
How much you want for them, bro?

Chico:
Heh heh. How much you got?

Hoop:
How does 800 big ones sound?

Chico:
800K? Cool.

Hoop:
Oh, I'm sorry. 800 little ones.

Chico:
Meet me at that seedy motel across the street in exactly 12 hours. [leaves]

Hoop:
I wonder why seedy means crappy. I mean, seeds are miraculous. Fruit grows from them.

Coroner Rick:
You'll have to figure that out without me, fellas. I can't hang with this gangsta lifestyle no more.

Hoop:
Too many hoes and ass whippings for your taste, Coroner Rick?

Coroner Rick:
No, man. It's all that second-hand smoke.

[after C.A.R.R. gets traded from a car sale]

Used Car Salesman:
[to a customer] Well, this little beauty was actually owned by a mechanic. New tires.

C.A.R.R.:
A-hole.

Stroker:
You got the tapes?

Chico:
You got the money?

Hoop:
[brings up camera] First I sample the merchandise.

[Hoop plays one of the videotapes in the camera]

Stroker:
What do you see?

Hoop:
That's MC Homicidal Rapist. Alright.

Chico:
Wait till you see the [bleep] kittens. I still get nightmares.

Lil' Rapist:
Whassup, b*tches?

Stroker:
What do you want? Lil' Rapist?

Lil' Rapist:
Here to see if I should murder your asses.

Stroker:
We got the tapes.

Lil' Rapist:
Damn. You got any chocolate cookies, b*tch?

C.A.R.R.:
[on phone] Heyo!

Hoop:
C.A.R.R., quick computer question.

C.A.R.R.:
Greeting, light hits lovers. This is Wheelie the Light 100 Funmobile!

Hoop:
What?

C.A.R.R.:
I'm spinning all your favorite light hits right now, so I can't get to the phone, but you can meet me in person at Bob Boomer Auto today from 7:00 to noon. Keep it light, people. You know I will. And if this is Stroker, screw you, you incompetent bastard. [hangs up]

[Hoop calls the number again]

Hoop:
Hey, Wheelie, this is Hoop. I'm coming down there. I need your help.

[after Hoop leaves]

Hoop:
[gets back on phone] Also can you play "Total Eclipse of The Heart" for my Mom? Light 100 is the best! Bippity-boppity! [leaves]

TJ the DJ:
Hey, Hoop, I understand you've got some exclusive web content for our light listeners.

Hoop:
That's right. You may have heard the name MC Homicidal Rapist. He's a rap star.

C.A.R.R.:
That's the music without any melody that angry black gangstas play to get under our skin.

[cuts to the next scene where MC Homicidal is listen to the Light 100 broadcast on radio while driving]

Hoop:
Actually, he's not a gangster at all. He's a total sweetheart.

MC Homicidal Rapist:
[stops the car] What the fizz...

TJ the Dj:
And if you're as sick of all the posturing and so-called urban music as I am, you are gonna love this.

MC Homicidal Rapist:
Oh, god, no.

Lil' Rapist:
You know what? I'm really gonna enjoy killing those two.

Stroker:
What the hell? C.A.R.R., you're a DJ? Coroner Rick?

Coroner Rick:
I heard C.A.R.R. on the radio and I had to come right down. Check it out. I got a Light 100 t-shirt, zoo crew coffee mug, water bottle, coaster--

C.A.R.R.:
Put the coaster back. We're almost out of coasters.

Coroner Rick:
I can't. I already rested my drink on it.

[while Stroker gets pointed with a gun from Lil' Rapist]

Stroker:
Uh, Homicidal Rapist wanted me to invite you all to his mansion as a special thank you for making him look like such a swell guy.

Hoop:
Aw, Homicidal just gets sweeter and sweeter.

Stroker:
Yeah, he wants to *shoot* the breeze. It's a great *set up*.

Hoop:
Thar sounds fun!

C.A.R.R.:
Yeah, we're about to do a creed 3-fer and we're good to go.

TJ the DJ:
With arms wide open.

Stroker:
Uh, hey, Rick, how's your Sister, Indanja?

Coroner Rick:
What? Oh, you know I don't have a sister, Stroker. [phone rings] I wish I could join you, but somebody just shot up a bunch of fellas at the motel. Hey, you want me to show you guys to the prize closet?

Lil' Rapist:
That's ok. We gotta get going anyway.

Stroker:
Hey, C.A.R.R., uh, can you play Bruce Springsteen's "Look Out, There's A Gun At My Back"?

C.A.R.R.:
That's classic rock. We're adult contemporary.

Stroker:
Damn it, how about Lionel Ritchie's "You Guys Are Morons"?

Hoop:
So when are we gonna see Homicidal Rapist?

Stroker:
Sorry, Hoop. They're making me kill you and TJ.

Hoop:
What?

TJ the DJ:
Hey, hey, kill us? Well, that just put some lemonade in the old levis. I'm friggin' terrified here, but years of talking like this have made me unable to express it.

[as Chico shoots Lil' Rapist, Chico then revealed himself to be Corner Rick all along]

Hoop:
Coroner Rick?

Coroner Rick:
That's right! [laughs]

Hoop:
Where in the world did you get a mask of Chico?

Coroner Rick:
Oh, I didn't. I just cut Chico's face off and used it to disguise myself. You want to try it on?

Stroker:
Uh, no, thanks.

TJ the DJ:
Ho! Forget the lemonade stand. I think I dropped a dump in the old dockers, folks. I'm freakin' dying inside but my voice remains unchanged.

[after Lil' Rapist was dead, he still has a bit of health left of him and starts to shoot TJ the DJ's arm]

TJ the DJ:
Hey, oh! That has got to hurt! [weakly normal voice] Yes, it does. [falls down]

[after shooting a court scene for a series]

Stroker:
Hey, thanks again for the guest starring roles, Homicidal Rapist.

Hoop:
It's sure going to be a thrill to see my name speed by in the squeezed credits under the starts of the local news.

MC Homicidal Rapist:
It was the least I could do. After all, it was your idea I take credit for accidentally shooting Lil' Rapist and TJ. Sure pushed that Eminem movie out of everybody's minds.

Hoop:
Hey, C.A.R.R.

Stroker:
Having second thoughts about coming back now that we're big tv stars, huh?

C.A.R.R.:
Kind of. Light 100's parent company decided to change our format to alt-country, so I got fired.

Hoop:
I thought things were going so well.

C.A.R.R.:
Ah, Gangland Slayings didn't work the same magic for light hits as they did for rap. After the decapitation of Carly Simon, pretty much everyone went into hiding.

Stroker:
It's a fickle business. One minute you're a fading star, the next you've been reborn as a decapitated diva.

C.A.R.R.:
Bippity-Boppity. I was a DJ, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. It's not even my size.

Hoop:
C.A.R.R.! SHOWING LIGHT 100 COLORS IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD? ARE YOU CRAZY?!

Porsche:
Can you believe we've been married one whole month, Ansel?

Ansel:
Put your b*obs on my face.

Porsche:
But, wait, Ansel, what about your heart condition?

Ansel:
Read your damn prenup, woman. B*obs, face!

Porsche:
You read the prenup. You're supposed to shower me in gifts. Shower, gifts!

[Ansel gives her a big gift]

Porsche:
Oh, yay! It's awfully big for jewelry.

[Porsche opens the present and sees a teddy bear version of Ansel himself]

Ansel:
A new hampshire fuzzy bear personalized to look like me.

Porsche:
[reads the note] "Ansel Bear wuvs to get busy with u". [sarcastic] How precious. Let me just take it in the other room so I won't spill wine on it, ok?

Ansel:
Don't take long. I've only got a half hour left in my erection.

[after Porsche destroys the teddy bear voodoo of Ansel, she comes back to the room and see his real Ansel dead]

Porsche:
[screams] I mean ca-ching!

Porsche:
Mr. Stroker?

Stroker:
You're not black.

Porsche:
No, I'm not.

Stroker:
But I'm not complaining.

Porsche:
That's good.

Stroker:
How much for everything?

Porsche:
I was going to ask you that.

Stroker:
Well, what do I get to do?

Porsche:
You get to solve the murder of Ansel Candler.

Stroker:
Uh, is that like shaking hands with the bishop, 'cause I was hoping more for something like... [whispered to Porsche's ear]

Porsche:
...

Stroker:
Oh, wait, murder of Ansel Candler! That's a case!

[after Stroker accepts Porsche's case, his black girlfriend arrives]

Sunshine:
You Stroker? I'm Sunshine from Budget Escort Services.

Stroker:
Uh, he, uh... [german voice] He no live here no more. I'm Hans from Germany.

Porsche:
[singing] Ding dong, the Ansel's dead, the wic--

[sees Stroker and Hoop when she stopped singing]

Porsche:
[fake crying] Oh, Ansel.

Stroker:
I gotta hand it to you, Porsche.

Porsche:
Sorry?

Stroker:
Hiring me was a nice touch. Make you look innocent. But you didn't count on me discovering your little voodoo doll, did you? Do I look like your chump? Your patsy? You voodoo murdering gold-digging whore!

Porsche:
It's true, I stomped on it, but only because it's a crappy gift. I didn't know --

Hoop:
It is a crappy gift.

Porsche:
[crying] Ansel ordered the bear! I had nothing to do with it! You gotta believe me! You just gotta--

Stroker:
Just calm down, Porsche.

Porsche:
You got to! If you help me, [stops crying] I'll sleep with you. [goes back to crying]

Stroker:
I -- I believe you. I was just testing you. Now, calm down. [slaps Porsche]

Hoop:
Hey, you can't slap a woman. [slaps Stroker]

Stroker:
It was a "Regain your composure" slap. [slaps Hoop]

Hoop:
I don't care! [slaps Stroker]

Stroker:
They do it in the movies. [slaps Hoop]

Hoop:
1950s movies. [slaps Stroker]

[Stroker slaps Hoop multiple times]

Hoop:
Truce, truce, truce!

Tour Guide:
Welcome to the New Hampshire Fuzzy Bear Factory. We're busy little bears, so we ask that everyone wear a hard hat during the tour. Here you go, sir.

Stroker:
Yeah, I don't want head lice.

Tour Guide:
Oh, who's the grumpy grizzly?

Hoop:
She got you, Stroker.

Tour Guide:
This is our TLC Ward where out trained actors fix up well-loved bears with a little tender loving care.

Stroker:
Or as you like to say, "Tender Loving Bear".

Tour Guide:
[pissed] Would you like to do this tour, sir, because that can be arranged, ok?

Stroker:
Uh, no. Sorry. [to Hoop] But I would like to see her bare breasts.

Tour Guide:
What did you just say?

[Doctor tries to fix a teddy bear]

Doctor:
Nurse, I need 3 CCS of loving care, stat! Clamps! Stuffing, more stuffing, come on. Keep it coming! New eye.

[Nurse gives him an eye]

Doctor:
Dammit, Nurse! This is a vest button! Does this look like an eye to you!

Coroner Rick:
I find a bubble bath is just the thing to wash away your sorrows and the smell of dead people.

[Porsche kisses Coroner Rick]

Coroner Rick:
Wow! Ok! For once, this is going how I fantasized it.

Porsche:
Forgive my boldness, Coroner Rick. It's just that I haven't been laid properly in a month.

Coroner Rick:
You're in luck, Porsche. Years of dissecting genitalia have made me an expert lover.

Porsche:
...

[Coroner Rick opens Porsche's bathroom and sees Double-Wide taking a dump]

Double-Wide:
Well, ever heard of knocking, Coroner Rick? Jeez.

Coroner Rick:
What the hell are you doing here, Double Wide?

Double-Wide:
Stroker called from New Hampshire and asked me to check in on you. I wonder why. Real nice can you got here, Porsche. [laughs] Although the monogrammed toilet paper is a bit much.

Porsche:
Those are hand towels.

Double-Wide:
Oh. GOTCHA! I was totally kidding. [sees the toilet overflowed]

Double-Wide:
Got anything to nosh down in the kitchen?

Gary:
Hey, folks, you want to see our newest model? It's the latest from our religious line. Our nativity bears were such a success, we knew we had to complete it with this.

[Gary pulls a teddy bear stuck to a cross that says "The Pain Is Un-Bearable"]

Stroker:
Oh, this is unbearable.

Hoop:
Or as I like to say, unbearable. Ha, oh, wait.

Stroker:
Let's go look for evidence.

Hoop:
Or as I like to say, bearedence.

Stroker:
Or as I like to say, everbear.

[Stroker and Hoop hide above the ceiling in Gary's Office when Gary arrives]

Gary:
[on phone] Hello, security, there's two guys hanging from my ceiling. I don't know why they think I can't see them.

Stroker:
We know all about the voodoo, Gary! And there's two of us and one of you. We've still got the upper hand.

[Hoop's gun then slips out of his pocket and falls into Gary's desk]

Hoop:
Oops. I probably should have zipped that up, huh?

Witch Doctor:
You want them dead or undead.

Gary:
Undead.

Hoop:
Just plain not dead would be even better.

[when Stroker and Hoop are trapped in coffins after getting blown from zombie powder]

Hoop:
[thinking] I sure hope Stroker thought to close his eyes and hold his breath when the guy blew the zombie powder on our faces. You really do learn a lot on the Discovery Channel.

Stroker:
[thinking] So, this is how it ends? Brief stinging, followed by numbness, and then a hunger for brains. How long is a flight to Haiti? I gotta...I gotta take a dump. Do zombies take dumps? Ah, they eat brains. You'd think they'd have to.

Porsche:
Oh, my god, Coroner Rick. I didn't know Coroner's carried a night stick.

Coroner Rick:
That's not a night stick. [laughs]

Porsche:
And Double-Wide, I didn't know mechanics used, uh, Chapstick.

Double-Wide:
That's not Chapstick. [laughs] Wait a minute.

C.A.R.R.:
Hold it, right there!

Double-Wide:
C.A.R.R.? What are you doing here?

C.A.R.R.:
Stroker asked me to keep an eye on you keeping an eye on Coroner Rick. This case sucks. I feel like Aquaman when there's trouble in the Sahara.

Porsche:
Who is it, Double-Wide?

Double-Wide:
It's Stroker's car.

Porsche:
Ask him if he wanna have sex with us.

Double-Wide:
Hey, C.A.R.R., do you want to -- [to Porchse] What? It's a car!

Hoop:
Oh, my god. They're using zombies for cheap labor. Those greedy bastards.

[Stroker eats brains while being a zombie]

Stroker:
This is disgusting. I hate myself.

[Coroner Rick sees a teddy bear version of Hoop and a note]

Coroner Rick:
[reads] "Twapped with Stwoker in Haitian Fuzzy Bear Factowy! Need immediate wescue! Pwease send Help! -- Hoopie Bear".

Coroner Rick:
I can't believe those guys are still screwing around in New Hampshire.

Double-Wide:
Ah, yeah. I can't keep up this orgy much longer. The mozzarella sticks are backing up on me.

Porsche:
That's why the Romans invented the Vomitorium. [vomits on the bucket] Ah, that's better. Now, who wants a blow job?

Coroner Rick:
No, thanks.

Double-Wide:
I'm cool. Thanks, Porsche. [changes his mind for a few seconds] Ah, what the hell?

Porsche:
Wait -- No, wait. Hold on again. [throw up once more]

[Gary sees a zombie making a voodoo doll]

Gary:
Another voodoo doll? I have to keep my eyes on you zombies every second. STOP MAKING VOODOO DOLLS! [beats him up] I HAVE TOLD YOU! I'VE TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU!

Gary:
Damn, it's unsatisfying beating a zombie.

[Hoop creates a Coroner Rick voodoo doll to send a message to the crew]

Coroner Rick:
Ow! Dammit, Porsche! I told you no fingernails on the back!

Porsche:
I'm not!

Coroner Rick:
OW! Dammit, Double-Wide. You, too.

Double-Wide:
It's not me, man.

Coroner Rick:
AAAH! MY BACK! MY BACK!

Double-Wide:
Hold on. It's writing.

[Double-Wide reads the letters on Coroner Rick's back while it writes]

Double-Wide:
"Help! I'm trapped at the New Hampshire Fuzzy Bear Factory". It must be from Hoop!

Coroner Rick:
Can't that mother abbreviate "N.H."? N.H.

Double-Wide:
[continues reading] "It's in Haiti...1341 Port Av Prince Boulevard Northwest".

Coroner Rick:
[still in pain]

Double-Wide:
"It's swarming with (please turn to front)

Coroner Rick:
Damn it!

[switches the side of Coroner Rick's stomach to finish the message]

Double-Wide:
"Zombies! Bring help! Thanks, your pal, Hoop". Wow, zombies!

Coroner Rick:
Oh, thank god that's over.

[Hoop continues to write one last thing]

Coroner Rick:
[screams in torture]

Double-Wide:
"P.S...."

Hoop:
We zombies are going on strike! We want better rages, more brains, and a microwave in the break room.

Gary:
Well, well, well. I see we've been watching Discovery Channel? The close your eyes an hold you breath trick won't work this time.

Hoop:
There's one thing I have to know. Why did you send Ansel Candler a voodoo doll? What's your evil plan?

Gary:
There's no plan. Zombies are just stupid. You tell them to make a teddy bear, and sometimes they screw up and make a voodoo doll. A few customers get killed. It's just the cost of doing business.

Hoop:
You greedy bastard. What happened to your hippie ideal?

Gary:
Greedy? I donate a half percent of net profits from rainforest bear to the Amazon.

Hoop:
Hey, by the way, what ever happened to the rainforest? I completely lost track.

[Coroner Rick shoots the zombies but the gun only shoots a flashlight out on them]

Coroner Rick:
What the hell?

Double-Wide:
[laughs] That's pure sunshine. It's like acid to zombies.

Porsche:
Isn't that vampires?

Double-Wide:
Zombies, too! That's why they called it "Night of the Living Dead". They wouldn't call it "Day of the Dead".

Coroner Rick:
That was THE SEUQEL!

Double-Wide:
Oh, crap.

[while Stroker and Porsche are hiding in another room]

Stroker:
That door won't hold forever, and I'm down to my last two bullets.

Porsche:
There's only one thing to do.

Stroker:
Open the door and g out in a blaze of glory?

Porsche:
I was thinking of having sex.

Stroker:
Now?

Porsche:
The fear of getting caught really makes me hot.

Stroker:
Well, alright.

[as Stroker unbutton his pants]

Hoop:
Stroker, open up. Stroker!

Porsche:
Wait, that's Hoop!

Stroker:
No, that's zombie moaning. They're gonna catch us. Does that turn you on?

Porsche:
Yes.

Hoop:
It's me, Hoop.

Stroker:
[to Porsche] They must have turned him into a zombie. [to Hoop] Not now, Hoop.

Hoop:
It's safe now. Coroner Rick called the Haitian Police.

Porsche:
Did he just say it's safe?

Stroker:
It's a trick.

[as Stroker was about to kiss Porsche, Hoop and the Haitian Police came in]

Stroker:
Dammit, Hoop!

Hoop:
Were they able to revive the undead workers?

Coroner Rick:
Well, unfortunately, most of the undead are just plain dead now because we blew their brains out.

Double-Wide:
We were on a roll, man! A zombie-killing roll! [imitating gunfire] Die! Die!

Stroker:
Hey, don't worry, buddy. I'll pay you a cold million out of my billion. What do you say, Porsche? A million for everybody!

All:
Alright!

Coroner Rick:
Thank you, Stroker!

Stroker:
Wait, duh, how many millions in a billion?

Porsche:
$1,000.

Stroker:
$1,000? $100,000 for everybody!

All:
Alright!

Haitian Worker:
Alright!

Ansel:
Not so fast!

Porsche:
Ansel, you're alive!

Ansel:
That's right. Having the doctor repair the Ansel bear repaired me. [to Stroker] I don't know how to thank you.

Stroker:
Oh, I'm sure you can of something. Maybe a billion somethings?

Stroker & Ansel:
[laughs]

Ansel:
That's funny! Pay you a billion dollars. [laughs] Poor people say the darndest things.

Stroker:
No, seriously, that was the rate. A billion dollars for solving your murder.

Ansel:
But the only thing is I'm not dead.

Porsche:
Later, guys.

Stroker:
Dammit!

Haitian Worker:
So, no $100,000?

Ansel:
No, but I pulled some strings and got you a job in the Nike Factory.

Haitian Worker:
Would someone please make me undead again?

Narrator:
You know, Christmas time can have a funny way of looking like any other time around our little valley. Today, for instance, beautiful Christmas Eve morning. You would have never guessed from looking at the responsibility for saving Christmas was about to fall on one man.

[transitions to the next scene to a Family Man]

Narrator:
Oh, I wish it was him. Strong, brave, pillar of the community, but no. [pans the camera at Stroker] It was this guy.

Mall Cop:
Drop the weapon!

Stroker:
[shows his badge] John Strockmeyer, Private Investigator.

Mall Cop:
I said drop it, a**hole!

Stroker:
Chill, man. Private Investigator, Trumps Mall Cop.

Mall Cop:
This is your last warning!

Stroker:
Why don't you go check to see if anyone's parked in the loading zone at Urban Outfit--

[Stroker gets pepper sprayed]

Stroker:
Oh, my eyes! My eyes!

[Stroker then gets beat up from a Mall Cop]

Mall Cop:
And for future reference, the parking lot speed limit is 5! [kicks Stroker 5 times] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5!

[Stroker saves Santa]

Stroker:
Enough with the moaning. You're in pain. We get it.

Santa:
I can't believe you're bringing me here.

Stroker:
Hey, Santa, if you're so finicky about your hospital, get insurance.

Coroner Rick:
Good news on your tox screen, Santa. Negative for all known poisons.

Santa:
Oh, ho, thank goodness!

Coroner Rick:
The bad news is we found an unidentified drug that looks like a new slow-acting designer poison.

Santa:
Is there any way to create an antidote?

Coroner Rick:
Absolutely. We'll just need to biopsy the brain and the liver to confirm the diagnosis once you're dead. Isolate the compound, test it on some rats, and in a few years, we'll almost certainly have an antidote. [laughs] Oh, you mean for you. Ooh, of course. I'm sorry. No.

Lotto Announcer:
[on TV] And now for today's winning numbers -- 3, 25, 49...

Stroker:
Hold on a sec. Did she say 3-25-49? Quiet, Santa, I can't hear the tv. That can't be right. Coroner Rick, check my ticket.

[Coroner Rick checks the lotto ticket]

Coroner Rick:
Oh, my god! Stroker just won the lottery, and he got to share the moment with his best friend.

Stroker:
Yeah, this is awesome! You guys can all go [bleep] yourselves 'cause I just won! Awesome! Yeah! This is gonna be the best christmas ever!

[sees Santa still around]

Stroker:
Sorry, Santa. [quietly] Yes!

C.A.R.R.:
I can't believe you're going skiing instead of saving Santa.

Stroker:
Shut up, C.A.R.R.

Keith:
Dad, I thought you said you were gonna help Santa?

Stroker:
Listen, buddy, you think your Dad would drive up to a fancy ski lodge instead of saving Santa Claus?

Keith:
Yeah.

Stroker:
Of course not. He's going to the North Pole to investigate the men who hurt Santa. In fact, he's leaving Santa a not right now about some important leads. With some cookies.

Stroker:
Don't read Santa's mail, Keith.

Keith:
Ok.

Stroker:
Sorry Dad can't be with you tomorrow, but he has to save Christmas. I'll tell you what, I'll make it up by buying you something really expensive when I get back, ok?

[Stroker sees Angel getting ready to get Keith at her car]

Stroker:
Remember what I said about a reward for not telling Mommy about the lottery. [laughs] Ok, attaboy.

[Hoop arrives in a big truck]

Hoop:
Hey, Stroke, ready to hit the slopes?

Stroker:
Hell, yes!

[Keith looked at Stroker with a gasped face]

Stroker:
The slopes of Santa's Workshop!

C.A.R.R.:
What's Hoop doing in that monstrosity?

Stroker:
There's a blizzard coming. We need a 4-wheel drive.

C.A.R.R.:
Why? We have perfectly good snow chains in the garage. I'll help you untangle them. I don't want to be alone on Christmas. Just give me a tow, then. I'm not proud.

Hoop:
Merry Christmas, C.A.R.R.!

[Stroker and Hoop leaves]

C.A.R.R.:
Those bastards.

Narrator:
Stroker may have lied about a lot of things, but not the snowstorm. It was the worst blizzard to hit southern California in 100 years.

[Santa reads a note on Stroker's door]

Stroker:
[narrating] Hey, Big S, something came up, so I had to go. And besides, there is no f'n way I can solve this mystery in 24 hours. Ah, maybe your elves know an antidote. Your pal, big S number two. P.S. If the reindeer come, please carve them. [laughs] But, ah, seriously, you can help yourself to the booze in the fridge.

C.A.R.R.:
Santa! Santa! Over here!

Santa:
Well! Hello there, C.A.R.R.

C.A.R.R.:
How are you holding up, big guy?

Santa:
[vomits] Oh, ho, fine, fine. Thanks for asking.

C.A.R.R.:
I think what Stroker is doing to you is despicable.

Santa:
Oh, I'm not worried for myself. It's the children. Their presents will be stuck at the North Pole.

C.A.R.R.:
You're the real Santa Claus? Stroker said you were a wino.

Santa:
[offended]

Stroker:
[on phone] Yo, lottery winner, here.

C.A.R.R.:
Oh, Stroker, thank god. You have to come back tonight and solve Santa's case so he can deliver presents.

Stroker:
I can't believe you're bothering me with this Santa crap on Christmas Eve.

C.A.R.R.:
It's true! He showed me photos of him and the elves and everything.

Stroker:
Sounds like Santa had some ripple on the walk over. If he passes out, turn him on his side so he doesn't choke on his vomit. or better yet, drag him next door to the peaches.

C.A.R.R.:
But, Stroker, what about--

[Stroker hangs up]

Stroker:
[to Hoop] Some drunk mall santa got stuck with a needle, probably by his dealer. Wanted me to solve the case for free, if you can believe that crap.

Hoop:
And you said no?

Stroker:
There's no such thing as Santa, Hoop.

Hoop:
Well, he is still a human being!

Stroker:
And?

Hoop:
And it's Christmas, you Scrooge!

Stroker:
Scrooge? Who the hell's paying for your vacation?

Hoop:
I meant Scrooge in the "Bah, Humbug", sense, not in the "Good with money" sense.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Yo, Stroker, Stroker! Wake up!

Stroker:
[wakes up] Hey. Hey, man. Can you get me a beer? Charge it to Room 331. Thanks, bro.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
7 years, and you haven't changed a bit, Stroker?

Stroker:
Jermane? Jermane Washington, my old partner?

Stroker & Jermane:
Jermane and Stroker, back in action! [laughs]

Stroker:
Dude, you're dead.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
No [bleep], man. I'm a ghost now.

Stroker:
I'm so sorry about the accident. Not a day goes by I don't think about it.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Yeah, well, what you gonna do? My gun jammed. I must not have cleaned it well enough. Yeah, that was the irony, wasn't it? I was the one who was always prepared.

Stroker:
Yeah. Yeah, I guess. So, uh, what are you doing here? [realizes] OH, NO! Dammit! I drowned in the hot tub, didn't I? Win the lottery, then get drunk and drown in the damn hot tub. Nice going, Stroker? You are stupid sometimes.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Shut the hell up. You're still alive.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
I'm here to take you back to that fateful day 7 years ago, when your partner was shot and your life changed forever.

Stroker:
You really want to watch yourself get shot?

Ghost of Christmas Past:
I'm doing it to save your soul, Stroker. I'm The Ghost of Christmas Past now.

Stroker:
Come on, J, screw my soul. Let's go get [bleep] faced together.

[Young Stroker peeing in the bush]

Young Stroker:
[to a female dog owner] Ah, would he care to join me? [laughs] Just kidding.

[after Jermane got shot in the past scene]

Jermane:
Stroker. Tell my wife, I love her.

Young Stroker:
I will, man.

[Jermane dies]

Young Stroker:
I'm so sorry, buddy. I should have told you I borrowed your gun clip this morning. I don't know what to say. It just totally slipped my mind.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
[to Stroker] You a**hole!

Stroker:
Well, you were always bragging about being so prepared. I -- I just figured you had a spare in your pocket or something, I don't know.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
You killed me!

[after Jermane dies, he then became a ghost]

Jermane:
Hey, man, what the hell is going on?

Ghost of Christmas Past:
[to Jermane] You're not supposed to see us. Just keep flying into the light.

[sees Young Stroker calling somebody]

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Wait a minute. What -- What are you doing now?

Stroker:
Calling 911. Come on, let's get out of here.

Young Stroker:
Hey, Martha, it's Stroker. I have some terrible news about Jermane. But first the good news. We can stop sneaking around behind his back.

C.A.R.R.:
So, Santa, any chance you can give me a hint of what I'm getting this year?

Santa:
It's -- [brutally coughing]

C.A.R.R.:
Don't open your mouth, Santa. You'll only lose more blood. Hey! Hey! Maybe you could act out the present, like charades.

[Santa then coughs blood on C.A.R.R.'s screen]

C.A.R.R.:
Ok, maybe later.

Stroker:
I don't know what to say, Jermane.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
YOU LET ME DIE, MAN!

Stroker:
Yeah, like 7 years ago.

[Ghost of Christmas Present arrives]

Ghost of Christmas Present:
Yo, Jermane, my main man.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Hey, Ghost of Christmas Present. Look, man, do me a favor, and don't do this sumb*tch any favors.

Ghost of Christmas Present:
You got the envelope?

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [gives the envelope to GCPresent] You got the digits?

[GCPresent give digits to GCPast]

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Say hey to future for me.

Stroker:
Hey, Jermane! We were quite a team, weren't we buddy?

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Eat [bleep], Stroker. [leaves]

Ghost of Christmas Present:
And now let's visit your friend C.A.R.R., who right now is selflessly trying to save Christmas. [opens up a portal]

Stroker:
Hey is there another tunnel we can take? I don't want to get any schnapps puke on ya.

C.A.R.R.:
Santa, I see the summit. We're gonna make it!

Santa:
By golly, C.A.R.R., it's a miracle!

C.A.R.R.:
I DID IT, SANTA! I REALLY DID IT!

[as C.A.R.R. and Santa were about to head to the summit, Stroker and GCPresent appears from the portal in front of them at a badly timed moment]

Santa:
HOLY [bleep]!

[C.A.R.R. and Santa drive off the road and got hit by a tree]

Ghost of Christmas Present:
Oh, crap! We're not supposed to interfere. Let's get the hell out of here.

Ghost of Christmas Present:
We're early. Tell you what. When Christmas Future gets here, can you give him something for me? [gives Stroker the same envelope that GCPast gave Present] Don't look inside.

[GCPresent flips him off while leaving]

Stroker:
Thanks for crashing my car, jackass!

Ghost of Christmas Future:
Yo.

Stroker:
Oh, uh, you must be the Ghost of Christmas Future.

Ghost of Christmas Future:
I'm the pool guy. Got to shut down for the night. What the hell are you talking about?

Stroker:
Oh, uh, I'm sorry.

Ghost of Christmas Future:
[laughs] I fooled you, man. Ghost of Christmas Future. [sees a envelope] Hey, is that for me?

Stroker:
Oh, uh, yeah. But I guess if you're from the future, you would know that. [laughs]

Ghost of Christmas Future:
[tired] Alright, let's get this [bleep] over with.

Ghost of Christmas Future:
You recognize where we are?

Stroker:
Damn. My old place is a dump. Whoever moved in after I bought the mansion sure let it go to hell.

[Stroker checks the window and see his old future self couple years later]

Teen Keith:
Yo, Dad, give me 200 bucks.

Old Stroker:
So you can buy more Grizzle Bazzles. [slaps Keith] Get a damn job! And don't interrupt Dad when he's playing "Topless Hockey 3".

Teen Keith:
Oh, how come you're always in virtual reality?

Old Stroker:
Well, it's a hell of a lot better than real reality.

Ghost of Christmas Future:
Every December 25th, people drive by and throw rocks and dog [bleep] at your house. They've done it every year since you let Santa die.

[GCF literally starts picking up dog poop and throwing it at Stroker's old house]

Stroker:
What the hell happened to my lottery money?

Ghost of Christmas Future:
Oh, that. You spent it all on a class action lawsuit with the world's children for letting Santa die.

Old Stroker:
Who's there?

C.A.R.R.:
Blow his head off, Stroke.

Stroker:
Hey, old man! Bet you can't hit this.

[GCF saves Stroker from shooting his present-self]

Ghost of Christmas Future:
What the hell are you doing?

Stroker:
[laughs] We're ghosts! He can't hurt us.

Ghost of Christmas Future:
Ghosts can get shot just like everyone else. Then you're just plain dead.

Stroker:
[to his future self] Stop! I'm your younger self as a ghost! [pulls up a gun and shoot] That's a warning shot! My next shot will be in your chest!

Ghost of Christmas Future:
You idiot! The warning shot WAS in his chest!

[Old Stroker dies]

Stroker:
Oh, crap. That's really gonna mess up the Space-Time Conten-- Continuum-- The Space-Time Plane.

[C.A.R.R. rides on Santa's sleigh]

C.A.R.R.:
On, Dashiel! On, Danzig! On, Randolph! On, Blitzkrieg! On, Other Non-Copyrighted Names!

[C.A.R.R. does his first job of giving gifts for the family]

C.A.R.R.:
[laughs] Merry Christmas. Santa sends his best. There's a sack in the back with presents for Sarah, Bobby, and Mr. Mrs. Jones.

Sarah:
Wow! Thanks!

Mr. Jones:
All I see are presents for Pablo and Juanita.

C.A.R.R.:
[to the reindeers] Damn it! You idiots loaded up the South American bags for the North American trip. Bad reindeer. Bad reindeer!

Mr. Jones:
Oh, wait! Maybe they're in here.

C.A.R.R.:
No, no, no. No, no, not that bag! Not that...

[as Mr. Jones was still searching for their presents, a sick Santa appeared out of the trunk]

Sarah:
Santa... [crying]

Mr. Jones:
[to Sarah] Get in the house now! Damn it, Sarah! I said, get in the house!

Ghost of Christmas Future:
Well, Stroker, I hope you learned a valuable lesson tonight.

Stroker:
Yes, I did. Thank you. No more Peppermint Schnapps in the hot tub. It causes hallucinations. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to take a siesta before the appres-ski parties tonight.

Ghost of Christmas Future:
Have fun in hell, a**hole!

Stroker:
You, too, buddy.

[Stroker, Hoop and GCF carries Santa to Coroner Rick's office]

Stroker:
What a fatass.

Coroner Rick:
I'll extract Santa's brain and liver matter, develop an antidote, and meet you back here in exactly 30 years.

Hoop:
Can we make it 15? I'm concerned about your high blood pressure!

Coroner Rick:
Sure thing, Hoopy!

Stroker:
[to GCF] Take us ahead 15 years.

[GCF opens a portal to 15 years to the future where Coroner Rick finally finished making the antidote for Santa]

Old Coroner Rick:
Stroker! Hoop!

Hoop:
Where the hell are we?

Old Coroner Rick:
They tore down down the old mall 10 years ago and built a huge new Grizzle Bazzle store.

Stroker:
What the hell is Grizzle Bazzle?

Old Coroner Rick:
Oh, I'm too old to understand it, but the kids love it. Here's your antidote, fellas. Be sure to jab Santa straight through the heart. And good luck.

Hoop:
Thanks, Coroner Rick.

Old Coroner Rick:
Oh! Oh, and fellas, fellas, when you go back, could you tell my former self to stop using sheepskin condoms?

Stroker:
Um, ok.

Old Coroner Rick:
Thanks, guys.

Stroker:
[still pointing the gun at GCF] Now get me the Ghost of Christmas Present and Ghost of Jermane Washington.

Hoop:
The same Jermane Washington who used to be your partner?

Ghost of Christmas Past:
--Till somebody let me get shot.

Hoop:
[to Stroker] You said he left to mentor inner-city High School kids.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
He said what?

Hoop:
Hey, Jermane, how much did he pay you?

[Stroker and Hoop went back in time to travel back earlier where Santa was dead after that car crash to save Santa]

Santa:
I forgive her for sleeping with... [dies]

[Stroker grabs Santa out of the car]

C.A.R.R.:
Stroker? Hoop? Santa is dead.

Stroker:
Not for long.

[Stroker jab Santa with the antidote to bring him back to life]

Santa:
TONY ORLANDO! What the hell is going on?

Hoop:
We just traveled back in time with this antidote to save you.

Santa:
Well, pull it out of me, man! Why didn't you travel back to before I was poisoned and save me 12 hours of vomiting blood?

Hoop:
[to Stroker] You want to field that one?

Santa:
I wasn't getting suspicious!

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Then why the hell did you invite us over to dinner at the North Pole? You never had us over before.

Santa:
Mrs. Claus thought it was rude not to!

Hoop:
Should we let them go, Stroke? It is Christmas after all.

Stroker:
We can't. They'll just time-travel their way out of it. Christmas Past can easily go back 40 years and make it so we were never born. There's only one choice.

Santa:
Oh, ho, let me do the honors!

[Stroker gives the gun to Santa]

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Come on, now, come on, give me the gun Santa Claus. You ain't got--

[Santa shoot the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future]

Santa:
HO, HO, HO, YEAH! MERRY CHRISTMAS! HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW, HUH? YOU CAN'T TRICK ST. NICK, MOTHER! [shoots a few rounds] HO, YOU LIKE THAT? WELL, WHY DON'T YOU SUCK ON IT? HERE'S TWO FOR YOU.

Hoop:
SANTA!

Santa:
AND HERE'S ANOTHER!

Hoop:
SANTA, GIVE ME THE GUN!

Santa:
Please, sir, may I have some more, YOU BETCHA!

Hoop:
SANTA, THEY'RE DEAD! THAT'S ENOUGH! SANTA, CAN YOU JUST HEAR ME? SANTA! THAT'S ENOUGH! They're dead!

[after Santa killed the ghosts, Stroker and Hoop return back at Stroker's house where its Christmas Day morning]

Hoop:
What the hell just happened?

Stroker:
Where the hell's my lottery ticket?

Hoop:
Oh, my god. You broke up the lottery ring.

Stroker:
It's got to be here somewhere.

Hoop:
No, in this iteration of reality, you never won the lottery.

Stroker:
Oh, my god. No! No, JER -- JERMANE! JERMANE, COME BACK! I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL LET SANTA DIE THIS TIME! NO! PLEASE, NO!

Hoop:
Stroker, Stroker, look! There's a -- There's a gift here from Santa for ya.

[Stroker reads Santa's note]

Santa:
[narrating] Dear Stroker, thank you for saving Christmas. By now, you know your winning lottery ticket is gone. Hopefully, this gift will help to compensate. Merry Christmas! Santa.

Stroker:
Ha ha! Good old Santa. [opens the gift] SOCKS? That ungrateful son of a b*tch! I saved his ass!

Stroker:
Damn it, it feels good to work up a sweat. What are we on, Mile 5?

C.A.R.R.:
Beer 5. Mile 1.

[Stroker tries to fix or do something with Khan'Ja's bra]

Stroker:
[grunts] Damned alien bra.

Khan'Ja:
[wakes up]

Stroker:
Oh, um, sorry. I was just trying to make you more comfortable. Oh, hell, you don't know English? Uh, I wanted to see what green b*obs looked like. [laughs]

Khan'Ja:
I know English.

Stroker:
Oh.

Khan'Ja:
What is b*obs?

Stroker:
[points the gun at Khan'Ja] Are you an advanced race of aliens looking for a new home planet?

Khan'Ja:
No.

Stroker:
Because if you're planning to enslave the human race, I can help, but only if you make me King of the Earthlings.

Khan'Ja:
My name is Khan'Ja. I come from the Planet Sapphirea. I only want to return home.

Stroker:
Are you sure? Uh, plenty of clean air and water.

Khan'Ja:
I will call for help with my communicator. [speaks alien language] The Felingukushar Crystal is broken.

Stroker:
Felingukushar Crystal?

Khan'Ja:
[searches her language book] You call it a Sapphire. About so big. Me, I pick one up from your yard.

Stroker:
I don't have a giant Sapphire. They're very rare and expensive on Earth.

Khan'Ja:
Where are all the Sapphires? Oh! Perhaps we can sell some of your dirt and buy one!

Stroker:
[laughs] You aliens are so advanced yet so stupid sometimes.

Khan'Ja:
If you help me, I will return with a shipful of Sapphires as your reward.

Stroker:
Deal. And I'll even throw in some free dirt.

[as Stroker was about shake her hand, Khan'Ja didn't know what gesture what Stroke was doing]

Stroker:
Oh, uh, on Earth to seal a deal, we do what is call a handshake.

Khan'Ja:
What is a handshake?

Stroker:
Oh, duh, did I say handshake? I meant handjob.

Khan'Ja:
Pain from the crash. I need medicine. Do you have any?

Stroker:
Hold on. [brings back pills] These are left over from my back surgery. They're expired but not too expired.

Khan'Ja:
Your earth medicines are not strong enough. I need more.

Stroker:
Khan'Ja, too many of those things will make you high as a kite.

[Stroker's flashback intensifies where Stroker tried these pills before]

Stroker:
So I go out to drain the snake, and all of a sudden, it feels like I'm pissing thumbtacks. Kidney stones, my ass. More like kidney shards of glass.

Stroker:
Two chicks, uh-huh. I may not look injured, but all the sandwiching bruised up my insides pretty good.

Stroker:
No. You know what's really suspicious? Doctors who violate their hippocratic oath. Not me, and certainly not my bullfighting injury, a**hole!

Hoop:
Ready for the Sanchez string?

Stroker:
Uh... [clears throat] I'm not feeling well. Um, do without me.

Hoop:
What? You never let me do anything on my own before. Are you watching "Alf"? When did you start liking "Alf"?

Stroker:
I don't like "Alf". I hate "Alf". I was watching something else, and it came on.

Hoop:
That's strange.

Stroker:
What.

Hoop:
There's an "Alf" DVD cover in your hand.

Stroker:
So I'm a closet "Alf" fan. What's the big deal?

Hoop:
Are those painkillers?

Stroker:
Uh, yeah. I pulled my calf muscle jogging.

Hoop:
JOGGING! ALF?! I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU ANYMORE!

[Hoop disguised as a old business man]

Hoop:
Freddy, you got my Linoleum contracts?

Freddy:
Your Linoleum contracts?

Hoop:
The contracts.

Freddy:
Your contracts?

Hoop:
That's what I [bleep] said, the Kuperman Contracts! Are you deaf?

Freddy:
Yes, in one ear.

Hoop:
Oh. [stands close in Freddy's non-deaf ear] Give me the [bleep] Kuperman Contracts.

Freddy:
All you did was show them the pattern books.

Hoop:
That's all I did, huh? All I did was show them the books?

Freddy:
They were walking out the door when I saw them. I made that sale.

Hoop:
You ungrateful [bleep]. You child! I was signing contracts for Linoleum when you were learning to crawl on it. [pulls up a gun]

Freddy:
You think you can threaten me?

Hoop:
You think you can cast me aside? Walk all over me like an old shag runner?

[Freddy shoots Hoop]

Hoop:
So this is how it ends, huh? Dead on a carpet. Sunset Beige. Our plush-cut line. I know the patterns, Freddy, but I never found the pattern of my life. I never found it. [dies]

[the act ends]

Teacher Director:
Wonderful. Wonderful. It says here you played Hedda the Lead Cheerleader in "Crisis at the Car Wash" and Julio the Crippled Pimp in "The Death of a Cell Phone".

Hoop:
They're not plays. Those are cases where I acted undercover. I'm a detective.

Teacher Director:
Hoop, you bring a street-smart quality we could really use. You're hired!

Hoop:
Oh, my god! A part in a David Mamet play? It'll be so nice to hone my craft without getting shot at.

Leia:
Dad, there's a homeless man in our yard.

Stroker:
Hey! It's Uncle Stroker! [laughs] Hey, lookee here. I gotta a little, uh, little dollie, for, uh, for your kid here.

Steve:
Oh, what are you doing here?