Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #76

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 6,896 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Todd:
Hey, folks don't you love the taste of hot dogs roasted over a campfire?

Audience:
Mmm...

Vicky:
But who wants the inconvenience of going outside these days? With the bugs, the rain, the teenaged rapists trying to molest your grandchildren.

Grandparents:
...

Todd:
Well, Vicky, now you can have the real camp experience without leaving the safety of your home. Introducing the ToddCo Kitchen Campfire.

Double-Wide:
This is insane. I wrote that exact idea in my journal last month.

Todd:
And they won't catch fire and burn you like those wooden sticks always do. Who wants a taste?

Stroker:
Me!

Todd:
Here you go, sir.

[Stroker takes a bite out of the smoking hot dog]

Stroker:
Oh...oh, my god. That's so good. [to the camera] ToddCo Kitchen Campfire is the original and the best. Now I can get a real campfire tastes without leaving the modern comforts of the Stroker Detective Agency. Look for us on the web.

Todd:
Hey, that is great, huh, folks? Hey, how about you, ma'am?

Double-Wide:
[to Stroker] The original? Whose side are you on?

Double-Wide:
Over here, please! Todd! I'd like to taste your sausage!

Todd:
Here you go, sir.

[Double-Wide takes a bite of the smoking hot dog]

Double-Wide:
Interesting. Tastes slightly gamey. Is this cooked all the way through? I hope I don't get food poisoning because you didn't add a built-in meat thermometer to the roasting stick. IF YOU'RE GONNA STEAL MY INVENTION, AT LEAST STEAL IT RIGHT, MORON!

Audience:
[gasps]

Todd:
This man is crazy. Get him out of here.

Double-Wide:
[to the camera] I want all America to know that this man stole my ideas. FraudCo! That's what you should call your company!

Audience:
[groans]

Double-Wide:
OH, YOU PEOPLE SUCK! I WOULD NEVER SELL MY INVENTIONS TO YOU! YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF SIMPLE AND DELICIOUS COOKING!

Audience:
[boos]

Stroker:
Hey, if anybody has any clues on how Todd's stealing my client's ideas, call the number on this matchbook!

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Hoop suddenly get superpowers]

Hoop:
That porcupine. It must've been radioactive, giving me superpowers. Ah, [bleep]! Gotta be careful from the needles.

Hoop's Mom:
What needles? Hoop, you ok?

Hoop:
Mom, stop eavesdropping, alright? I'm ok. [Hoop's porcupine hair goes back to his normal self] Holy cow, this is big.

Hoop's Mom:
What's big?

Hoop:
MOM!

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Newswoman:
I'm live outside the Vally Vista nuclear plant where a handful of protestors--

Hoop:
A handful? There's a little bit more than a handful of protesters here.

Deborah:
There's 3 of you.

Hoop:
Well, try putting all 3 of us in your hand! Nobody's hand is big enough to hold us, you corporate whore. Hi, Mom! And nobody's gonna cut down this tree as long me and this badger have something to say about it.

Deborah:
I don't think that's a badger.

Hoop:
Well, if he's not a badger, then -- AAH! PORCUPINE!

[Hoop gets sting in the balls with porcupine hair]

News Reporter:
[laughs] That's priceless.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Stroker:
Hey, Double-Wide. Mind if I watch the game here? Cable idiots say they didn't get my check.

Double-Wide:
Stroker! Have a cigar.

Stroker:
Whoa, don't mind if I do.

Double-Wide:
You're just in time to check out my new invention. This one is gonna make me rich. Ta-da! [reveals his invention]

Stroker:
Looks like one of those ashtray air purifier things.

Double-Wide:
[laughs] One of those ashtray purifier things. Oh, Stroker! But wait. What have we here? Oh, my god! It opens up! Is that a mouth-watering rotisserie chicken smoking to perfection inside? Holy smokes, it is! It purifies the air while it smokes your meats. It's the Holy Smoker.

[Double-Wide shows Stroker an infomercial]

Double-Wide:
Let me show you my infomercial. You guys can focus group it for me.

Todd:
[on TV] You've heard all about the amazing ToddCo Lint Loom, right folks? Which takes ordinary dryer lint and weaves amazing designer sweaters just like the one I'm wearing now...

Double-Wide:
Well, well. Look who we have here. My old nemesis.

Todd:
Listen, it's nothing compared to what I am about to unveil. Do you want to remove the smell of tobacco from your home?

Double-Wide:
Of course.

Todd:
And do you love smoked ham?

Double-Wide:
Damn straight! Wait, what the hell?

Todd:
Introducing the ToddCo Secondhand Smoker.

Todd's Assistant:
Goodbye black lung, hello blackened snapper. [laughs]

Double-Wide:
That bastard stole my million dollar idea -- Again!

Stroker:
Double-Wide! Double-Wide, simmer down. It's just a coincidence.

Double-Wide:
Coincidence? Look at this. I call it my box of broken dreams. It's every invention that Todd beat me to market with. My home Liposuction Kit, the Blubber Scrubber.

Stroker:
I recognize that thing with the spring.

Double-Wide:
The Scrotum Hair Trimmer, rad-nads.

Stroker:
Yeah, that thing doesn't work for crap.

Double-Wide:
Yes, it does!

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Hoop:
[narrating] And so ends our tale of two star-crossed...

Stroker:
[narrating] And that's how I ended up lying in a pool of...

Stroker:
I'm sorry, uh, Hoop?

Hoop:
Hey, Stroker. Sorry, I thought we'd switched points of view, but you go ahead.

Stroker:
Yeah, thanks. [clears throat] And that's how I ended up lying unconscious in a pool of blood. Call it an occuapational hazard, like sleeping with too many sexy women.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Stroker:
Hoop, can I borrow your Mom's car? I got to take Keith back to Angel's.

Hoop:
She doesn't know he's alive?

Stroker:
Not yet.

Hoop:
It's been two weeks.

Stroker:
I know, I know. I can't keep procrastinating.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[C.A.R.R. gets plugged up into a coffee machine]

Double-Wide:
Give me a decaf.

C.A.R.R.:
Yeah? Get your own damn decaf.

Double-Wide:
If you won't make me coffee, I'll just hook you up to one of the urinals instead.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Hoop:
Prepare to taste the awesome heat of the Fire Lotus!

[as Hoop and Souko slash their swords, Hoop's weak sword breaks]

Hoop:
Piece of crap 3-piece sword.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Hoop:
Before we fight, would you tell me who my victims were?

Souko:
They were old boyfriend. Don't worry, they were total bastard. One of them slept with my roommate. Another told me he'd call, and guess what? He never did.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Hoop find another piece that connects the Sword of the Fire Lotus]

Hoop:
Now that I alone posses the Sword of the Fire Lotus.

Ninja Leader:
You fooled me. They say that with the Sword of the Fire Lotus, one becomes immortal. Kill me quickly.

Hoop:
Oh, I'm not going to kill ya.

Ninja Leader:
No, please, it will be an honor to die by the Sword of the Fire Lotus.

Hoop:
If you insist. Let's see here, how does this thing work? Well, I guess I just pull the trigger.

[Hoop pulls the trigger of the sword making it flash a light on him]

Ninja Leader:
IT BURNS SO HOT! THE FIRE LOTUS IS CONSUMING MY FLESH! I see a light. I'm heading towards it.

Hoop:
What the hell is this? The amazing power of the sword is that it shines a light?

Ninja Leader:
Legend said its power shined like a lantern. We always thought that was a metaphor.

Stroker:
Must have been pretty cool before the flashlight.

Ninja Leader:
Hey, Hoop, I'll give you $50 for it.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Stroker and Hoop fight against Ninja Leader]

Ninja Leader:
[laughs] Fool! You don't stand a chance against my loyal squad of trained assassins.

[sees no ninjas at his lair]

Ninja Leader:
[covering his mouth as the ninja henchmen] Be right there, boss!

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Deborah:
[on TV] Scores of people with the initials J.S., including beloved actor Jimmy Smits, have been murdered...

Hoop:
What the hell, man? You could've have told me you were alive? You told Double-Wide. I was your partner.

C.A.R.R.:
We were worried you'd blab. You're a blabber.

Stroker:
It's true, you are a blabber.

Hoop:
Dude, I killed 3 ninjas avenging your death.

Stroker:
Man, how am I going to get my stuff back? I can't believe Double-Wide didn't have more cash on him.

Hoop:
Are you even listening to me?

Stroker:
What? Oh, uh, yeah. I owe you one buddy, no doubt.

Hoop:
I killed 3 ninjas!

Stroker:
Oh, then you know where their lair is.

Hoop:
Actually, I caught them at their day jobs.

Stroker:
Uh, ninjas don't have day jobs. They're ninjas.

Keith:
[to Hoop] Did they fight like ninjas?

Hoop:
...Crap. You're gonna help get this Sword of the Fire Lotus, so I can kill my girlfriend and avenge the deaths of the 3 innocent people I've murdered.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Hoop:
Ben Kim?

Ben Kim:
Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing in my house? Who are you?

Hoop:
I'm just a friend. What are we cooking?

Ben Kim:
Eggs.

Hoop:
Oh, perfect. I'll make you toast.

[Hoop hits Ben Kim with a frying pan and then shoves him into the oven burning him]

Hoop:
Ben? Ben, can you hear me? If you think that's hot...wait 'til you get to hell! [sniffs] Something smells deliciousssssss.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Stroker sees his stuff being taken away by having an auction]

Auctioneer:
5, 55, 55, 55, 55!

Stroker:
What the hell?

Auctioneer:
5, 5, 55! Mayday, mayday! Come on, folks, I'm giving this stuff away today. Do I hear $5.50 for lot with the baby pictures and the private journal?

Stroker:
[whispered] Yo, Double-Wide.

Double-Wide:
Yeah, one, one, one second, Stroker. They're about to auction off the porn and the yearbooks.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Hoop:
Frank Wilson?

Frank Wilson:
Yeah?

Hoop:
I'm Hoop...Stroker's partner? I guess you know why I'm here.

Frank Wilson:
Are you looking for Frank Nelson in H.R.? Because I get his mail sometimes.

Hoop:
Nice try. [took one of Frank's CDs]

Frank Wilson:
Uh ,hey, buddy, those are my blank CDs.

Hoop:
Don't worry, frankie boy, I'll let you burn them...IN HELL!

[Hoop kills Frank by throwing CDs]

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Hoop:
Give me a cherry slushee, a copy of "Juggs", couple of scratch-offs, and, uh, ah, this jerky rope.

[Hoop scratches off a lottery ticket]

Hoop:
Jerry Sears?

Jerry Sears:
Yeah?

Hoop:
Looks like your number's up, pal.

[Hoop blows the dust piece off to him, and whips the jerky rope around Jerry's neck]

Hoop:
This is for Stroker, you bastard.

Jerry Sears:
[strangled] What's Stroker?

Hoop:
You know, you're a pretty crappy ninja.

Jerry Sears:
THAT'S BECAUSE I'M A BASSIST!

Hoop:
Well, you better get ready to trade in your bass...for a harp...in hell!

[Hoop killed Jerry]

Hoop:
Tell your ninja buddies you've been hooped.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Stroker and Keith disguises themselves as ghosts]

Keith:
Yo, Grandma.

Mrs. Jimenez:
Oh, my god. Is that you Keith?

Keith:
You don't have to worry. Uh, I'm in heaven now.

Mrs. Jimenez:
Keithy, my little nino.

Stroker:
Heaven is an awesome place Mrs. Jimenez. We'll see you there real soon. Come on, son.

Keith:
Also, grandma, uh, do you have my shoe?

Mr. Jimenez:
AY, DIOS MIO! [closes the door]

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Souko:
Now that you have mastered the skill of the assassin, I must give you your graduation present.

Hoop:
Very pretty wrapping paper. I'll hold onto that.

Souko:
You are making me blush, Mr. Hoop. These are the names and addresses of the men who blew up Stroker, Keith, and C.A.R.R.

Hoop:
Aw, how thoughtful.

Souko:
Now are you ready for your second present?

Hoop:
Sure.

[Souko takes off her robe]

Hoop:
Alright, a new robe!

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Hoop does karate techniques on objects]

Souko:
Left hand. Right foot. Forehead. Do left ass. Now do right ass.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Hoop tries to write Japanese]

Souko:
"Vengeance is mine".

Hoop:
"Hoop's bedroom".

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Double-Wide:
John Strockmeyer, beloved friend to many, family member to some, private detective to all.

Angel:
BASTARD!

Double-Wide:
Bastard to a select handful.

Woman:
Oh, Stroker, you were too young. We could have been great together.

Angel:
Who the hell do you think you are, b*tch, huh? He's my ex-husband.

Double-Wide:
[sings while the two woman are fighting]

Stroker:
[narrating] I had several thoughts racing through my head at that precise moment. 1: Never bring your son to his own funeral. It was a crappy idea and I was prepared to take the blame for it. 2: Who the hell was that hot chick and where was she when I was supposedly alive? And 3: Where was Hoop? That bastard didn't even care about me dying?

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Double-Wide opens up for Stroker and Keith]

Double-Wide:
First let me say how honored I was to be asked by angel to speak today-- Honored and a touch surprised, because I think everybody knows how much money Stroker owed me. [wheezes] Probably never see any of that again, right, Steve?

Double-Wide:
Steve is, uh, Stroker's brother. He's an attorney. [wheezes]

Double-Wide:
Well, this is awkward.

Double-Wide:
Damn it. Can I start over? I'm sorry. Forget that happened, Father.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Stroker and Keith look outside the window of the church and see their family members remembering the memories of Stroker and Keith]

Mrs. Jimenez:
Such a shame about Keith not going to heaven because he never went to confession.

Keith:
[cries] Oh, my god.

Stroker:
Why are you crying?

Keith:
[cries] I'm not going to heaven because I never went to confession.

Stroker:
Of course, you're not going to heaven, Keith. You're not even dead yet.

Keith:
[cries] I don't want to go to hell, Dad.

Stroker:
You stop crying right now or I am never taking you to another funeral again, got it?

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[as Hoop was about to leave, Souko throws ninja stars at him and almost sliced off Hoop's balls]

Hoop:
[struggled] Ow. You nicked them.

Souko:
Oh, Mr. Hoop, so sorry. Sometimes that stars rises rift.

– Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

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In which movie does this quote appear: "Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane." ?
A Shawshank Redemption
B Die Hard
C Mission: Impossible
D Blues Brothers