Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #75

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 6,896 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Stroker:
C.A.R.R., take me to a used car lot, please.

C.A.R.R.:
May I ask why?

Stroker:
I'm going undercover. I need some hip hop wheels.

C.A.R.R.:
What do you mean? I'm crook. Slap some spinners and a whistle tip on me and I'm good to go. Woo-woo!

Stroker:
Sorry, buddy, got to trade you in.

C.A.R.R.:
But my seat contours to your ass perfectly. That takes years of working together.

Stroker:
Just don't let on that you're a self-driving talking car. When the moment's right, you can just drive away.

C.A.R.R.:
Well, what if I get bought by mexicans? They can pile in 10 to a car like me, not to mention those big bags of oranges.

Hoop:
C.A.R.R., no racist crap, ok?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Lil' Rapist:
Preposterous has got to be involved somehow. You guys should check out his club.

Stroker:
Who's Preposterous?

Lil' Rapist:
Rival rapper. Him and Homicidal were best friends until two years ago.

Hoop:
He steal one of your b*tches?

MC Homicidal Rapist:
Worse. That mother knocked off several accessories from my Macy's spring collection.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

MC Homicidal Rapist:
Gentlemen, I brought you here to discuss the violent theft of my home movies yesterday evening.

Stroker:
What was on the tapes?

Lil' Rapist:
None of your damn business! Could be murder, drugs, me and the MC getting busy with underage hoes...

MC Homicidal Rapist:
These tapes may mistakenly portray me in an extremely poor light. I could lose everything-- The record contract, the casual menswear line, my new spinoff series, "Law and Order: Ghetto Justice". In light of this, I am prepared to make you a generous offer.

Lil' Rapist:
You have 24 hours to find the tapes or we gonna kill you.

Stroker:
Yeah, we'll take the case.

Hoop:
Thanks for thinking of us.

Stroker:
Did you recognize the men who did it?

MC Homicidal Rapist:
They had presidents masks-- Nixon, Lincoln. I didn't get a good look at the third fellow, but it could have been James K. Polk.

[Lil' Rapist shoves MC]

MC Homicidal Rapist:
I-I mean, they looked like some old white crackers. How am I supposed to know?

Umbrella Guard:
Yeah, how is he supposed to know, bushy hair?

Hoop:
[to Stroker] You're getting dissed by the Personal Umbrella Holder's Personal Umbrella Holder.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[after MC Homicidal Rapist get hostaged]

MC Homicidal Rapist:
Look, man, there's no money in there. Please, please, I will give you anything you want -- Jewels, cars, and autographed copy of my platinum album, The Rapes of Wrath.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Mobster #1:
Who are you supposed to be?

Mobster #2:
President Polk.

Mobster #1:
They had a Polk mask?

Mobster #2:
You never heard of manifest destiny, b*tch? Maybe you wished Texas were pronounced Tejas.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Hoop:
Hey, awesome party, MC Homicidal Rapist.

Stroker:
Yeah, it's a real defjam.

MC Homicidal Rapist:
Y'all enjoying my shrimp puffs?

Stroker:
Oh, my god. They melt in the miso.

[MC slaps the shrimp puff out of Stroke's hand]

MC Homicidal Rapist:
Y'all supposed to be body-guarding me, not eating my friggin' pafedero.

Stroker:
Yeah, we're trying to blend in.

MC Homicidal Rapist:
Shut up, b*tch. Now, I'm gonna go hitch some skin.

Hoop:
Wait, I researched this. Do you mean skins as in the vagina or, um, as in rolling papers?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

District Attorney:
Do you carry a weapon in your line of work?

Stroker:
Yes, ma'am. A 9 millimeter semiautomatic.

District Attorney:
The same type of weapon used to kill your best friend and partner.

Judge:
Objection!

District Attorney:
Retracted. [to Stroker] Where were you on the night of March 7th?

Stroker:
I was home alone watching television.

District Attorney:
And then you went to bed?

Stroker:
No. I used my 9 millimeter semiautomatic to KILL MY BEST FRIEND AND PARTNER! What are you gonna do about it, b*tch?

Judge:
Sir, you are out of order!

Stroker:
Oh, yeah? THIS WHOLE PROCEEDING IS OUT OF ORDER! HELL, THIS ENTIRE COUNTRY IS OUT OF ORDER!

Judge:
That's enough.

Stroker:
My only regret is that I didn't save a bullet for you and this incompetent sketch artist!

[cuts to the next scene where the sketch artist is literally drawing Stroker bickering his rants of what he's doing right now]

Judge:
Bailiff, restrain this man!

Stroker:
That doesn't even look like me, man!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Hoop:
This is the life, huh, C.A.R.R.?

C.A.R.R.:
It really is paradise. Except for all the mexicans.

Hoop:
C.A.R.R., you know I hate that racist crap.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Hoop:
Todd, Vicky, prepare to taste the quills of vengeance.

[as Hoop throws the quills to Todd and Vicky, the quills have failed miserably]

Vicky:
Oh, you got us. We surrender.

Todd:
We surrender.

Stroker:
You surrender?

Hoop:
You two are going to prison for a very long time. No matter how you slice it. [laughs] Pun intended.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Hoop:
Hi, Mom. Don't have time to chat. Have you seen my gun?

Dr. Raymond:
Hi, Hoop. I'm Dr. Raymond.

Hoop:
You got a doctor?

Dr. Raymond:
Listen, Hoop, your mother doesn't blame you for your drug problem or the gay prostitution. Do you?

Hoop's Mom:
Well...

Hoop:
I'm not a druggie, ok? I happen to be the Porcupine of Righteousness.

Dr. Raymond:
He's high.

Hoop's Mom:
Oh, god.

Hoop:
I'm not high! And if you don't let me go. You're gonna taste the quills of vengeance, ok?

Hoop's Mom:
Careful, he might've shared that needle.

Dr. Raymond:
Hoop, I have a quill of my own, ok? Do you want to see what my quill is?

[as Dr. Raymond tried to stab the needle into Hoop, Hoop gunshot the ceiling making a getaway]

Hoop's Mom:
Shooting at your own mother! Here, take your heroin needles. Here, you druggie! I hope you get high as a kite, so high you just fly away!

Dr. Raymond:
Those aren't heroin needles. Those are porcupine needles. They can cause a nasty infection. That could explain his moodiness and hallucinations.

Hoop's Mom:
Is gay prostitution a symptom?

Dr. Raymond:
No. I think he's just gay.

Hoop's Mom:
GET OUT!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Hoop tries to save a cat]

Hoop:
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty. Here, kitty.

Old Cat Lady:
Don't drop him!

Hoop:
I'm not going to drop him, ma'am. Gotcha.

Old Cat Lady:
Don't drop him!

Hoop:
I'm not gonna drop him. I'm doing you a favor. Stop pissing me off. Restrain her, Quillboy.

Quillboy:
[pulls up a knife to the Old Cat Lady] Don't make me cut you, honey.

Hoop:
Damn it, Quillboy! If you cut one more person--

[after Hoop's angry senses start to trigger, his porcupine spikes came out killing the cat]

Hoop:
OH, NOT NOW! OH, SORRY! Sorry, kitty. Sorry about, cat, lady. I'll bring you a new one.

Old Cat Lady:
What are you talking about? My cat's fine.

[the cat suddenly wakes up after getting spiked from Hoop's porcupine quills]

Quillboy:
Yeah, you're crazy, man. I'm gonna jet. This ain't my scene.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Todd:
[on phone with Stroker] I want you to bring me that disk and your friend Double-Wide, or else.

Stroker:
Or else what?

Todd:
I'm here with someone very special to you. And every 15 minutes, we're gonna cut off a finger.

Stroker:
Oh, god. Keith.

Todd:
Guess again.

Stroker:
Hoop?

Todd:
Nope.

Stroker:
Angel?

Todd:
Your girlfriend.

Stroker:
...Um, I don't have a girlfriend.

Vicky:
[to Todd] Give me the phone. [to Stroker] Don't play stupid. We've got Paula.

Stroker:
Paula, Paula, Paula. God, man, mmm...

Vicky:
I'm losing patience. Dr. Paula Bowman.

Stroker:
My dermatologist? She's not my girlfriend.

Vicky:
Play the tape.

[Surveillance Guy plays the tape of Stroker and Double-Wide while having a secret camera in the car]

Stroker:
I know, it was the weirdest thing. I mean, there she is giving me a hernia check and uh, hey, I guess she liked what she saw, you know--

Double-Wide:
Your dermatologist?

Stroker:
Well, yeah, I mean, it started as a mole check, you know, but one thing led to another and, uh, we did it on that bench thing with the crinkly paper and now she's my lady.

Dr. Paula Bowman:
That never happened.

Stroker:
[on phone] Yeah, I think your machine mistaped or something. Sorry, guys. Not gonna risk my life for my dermatologist.

Vicky:
Cut off her finger.

Stroker:
Wait, what?

Todd:
[to Paula] Now, don't worry, you won't feel a thing. It has a patented self-sharpening edge that can slice through tin cans like watermelon. It also juliennes.

Dr. Paul Bowman:
NO!

Stroker:
Alright, alright, ok! I'll bring the damn disk.

Vicky:
Meet us at Camino Ensino Los Padres if you ever want to see your dermatologist with fingers again. [hangs up]

Stroker:
Camino Ensino Los Padres, Camino Ensino Los Padres-- Oh, crap! Camino Ensino Los Robles -- Padres. Oh, Camin -- Crap. [calls the number again]

Stroker:
Uh, hey, could you give me that address again? I don't have a pen.

Vicky:
It's ToddCo Headquarters.

Stroker:
Well, you should've said that in the first place instead of trying to be all badass and--

Vicky:
14 minutes.

Stroker:
Wait a minute, you're going to count your bad directions?

Vicky:
[hangs up]

Stroker:
You b*tch!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Stroker:
Choose an application? No, you choose a friggin' application. You're the computer.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Hoop:
So yeah, I'm working on some sort of emergency signaling device. But until then, just visit my website if you're in danger.

Red Button Shirt Guy:
Do you know where a laundromat is?

Hoop:
Sorry, I'm a superhero, not a map.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[the ToddCo Company sees a footage where a product sucked a kid's head off]

ToddCo Sucker Robot:
[evil laugh] Take a little off the top. Wait till Friday.

Vicky:
What's Friday?

Surveillance Guy:
Uh...we don't know.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Intern:
I'm from ToddCo. I saw you at the taping and I knew I needed to see you right away. You were right. Todd has been stealing Double-Wide's ideas.

Stroker:
Seriously? How'd he do it?

Intern:
All his gadgets come quipped with surveillance equipment.

Stroker:
Damn, no more naked turkey cooking.

Intern:
We'd appreciate that.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Hoop's Mom:
Hoop?

Hoop:
I'm busy, Mom.

Hoop's Mom:
Stop right there, young man. Have you seen my fur coat?

Hoop:
Um...no?

Hoop's Mom:
Don't you lie to me. What's under your shirt?

[takes off Hoop's original shirt and it revealed Hoop's Mom's fur coat]

Hoop's Mom:
It's ruined! Take it off right now.

Hoop:
Mom, I was gonna wait until I was a little more famous to tell you this, but I think you're gonna be proud. I'm a super--

Hoop's Mom:
Oh, my god! Are those tread marks?

Hoop:
What?

Hoop's Mom:
Are those your heroin needles? [sobs] Get out of my house, you druggie!

Hoop:
Mom, you don't understand. You'll never understand me. [runs away after getting Ma's fur coat back]

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Female Intern kisses Stroker for purposed reasons]

Stroker:
Well, alright. Would you like to come in?

Intern:
Do you have any ToddCo products in your house?

Stroker:
Just the turkey cooker. Is this a sales pitch? You're really good at it.

Intern:
No. Shh. They might be watching. We better talk outside.

Stroker:
I'm gonna squeeze your ass to make it more realistic.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Hoop:
Quivering quills! Are those male prostitutes, or are they just waiting for the bus?

[Hoop get behind the the dumpster and change his superhero form]

Hoop:
Gentlemen, last time I checked, prostitution was illegal around here. Time to beat it, boys. Unless you're cruisin' for a prickin'.

Prostituted Man:
Ok, but I charge 30 per half hour.

[Ms. Pearl saws the whole thing and call Hoop's Mom]

Ms. Pearl:
[to Hoop's Mom] You know how you've been saying your Hoop has been a little moody and won't get a real job?

Hoop's Mom:
Well, that's what you've been saying.

Ms. Pearl:
Well, I'm watching Hoop turning gay tricks over by the safeway.

Hoop's Mom:
Oh, that's impossible.

Ms. Pearl:
Yeah, he's wearing your fur coat. Maybe he's gonna hock it for drug money.

Hoop's Mom:
That's ridiculous. My coat is right here in my closet where it always is.

[Hoop's Mom opens her closet and sees her fur coat stolen]

Hoop's Mom:
My fur coat!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[after Hoop accidentally throws a dart at Stroker]

Hoop:
Sorry, Stroker. I'm still in that funny/awkward "getting to know your superpowers" phase.

Stroker:
Hey, sucking at darts is not a superpower.

Hoop:
I thought you could be my sidekick, Quillboy.

Stroker:
Sidekick? You're my friggin' sidekick!

Hoop:
The power has shifted. I have superpowers now.

Stroker:
Superheroes suck. They're for 12 year old nerds and 30 year old virgins.

Double-Wide:
[to Stroker] Easy, now.

Hoop:
My porcupine sense is telling me that I am not wanted here.

C.A.R.R.:
Alright, Hoop. One of your powers actually works.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Hoop:
Did someone call for the Porcupine of Righteousness?

Stroker:
Hoop, what the hell are you doing?

Hoop:
Hoop Schwartz, the mild-mannered detective? I just saw him in the bathroom. I am the Porcupine of Righteousness, and you have made me angry, punk. And you won't like me when I'm angry, because I burst out in razor sharp quills. LIKE THIS!

[as Hoop tries to release his spikes, they didn't come out]

Hoop:
Huh. Maybe I'm not angry enough. Um, say something mean.

Stroker:
Hoop, you're an idiot.

Hoop:
No, nothing. Meaner.

Stroker:
Hoop, you friggin' idiot.

Double-Wide:
You crapsucker!

Burglar:
Anus face.

Stroker:
You smell.

Burglar:
Pussywillow.

Double-WIde:
You dip [bleep].

Janice:
Ichabod crane-looking, no fashion, skinny-ass freak.

Hoop:
Gee...you didn't have to go that far.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Stroker:
Let's just make sure we have the correct purse here. Janice, is that your current address? You wouldn't happen to have your phone number in here, would you? [laughs] Oh, look. A tampon.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Stroker:
Find anything good in ToddCo's trash?

Hoop:
ToddCo employees are crazy for their chinese food. I think it's an important clue.

Stroker:
You're in the wrong dumpster, Hoop.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Hoop:
Hey, how'd it go inside?

Double-Wide:
We exposed the thieving bastard in front of millions of people on live television.

Stroker:
You thought that was live?

Double-Wide:
Of course. I'm not into pointlessly humiliating myself. [chuckles then realizes] Oh, crap.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

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