Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #75

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 5,730 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Jon:
Excuse me. Hi, there. That's a really beautiful dog.

Dog Owner:
Oh, thank you.

Jon:
Uh, is he neutered?

Dog Owner:
No, he's not.

Jon:
Oh. Alright. Well, then, that gets you... [gives him a note] one of these. It's a new law. It's a mandatory spay and neutering, and that's $100 fine per ball.

Dog Owner:
Says who?

Jon:
Says New York's new Dog Mayor, that's who.

Dog Owner:
Man, go [bleep] yourself. Asshole.

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added 3 months ago

Jon:
I didn't tell the truth, and that could have got you killed.

Nicky:
Could, woulda, shoulda, gouda. Jon, you saved my life.

Jon:
I know.

Nicky:
And for that, I'm gonna repay the favor. There's a saying in the greek village I come from. "Vendetta is a a dish served better with cold feta".

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added 3 months ago

Jon:
Everyone loves their dogs, okay? Unfortunately, they don't love picking up their dogs' number 2. They don't care, alright? And that is why I am starting a brand new campaign called the "Give A [bleep] Commission". It's to encourage people to pick up their dogs' poops.

David:
Wait. Shouldn't it be called "Take a [bleep]"?

Jon:
Uh, no. Then people would just take [bleep] everywhere.

Mayor Executive:
I agree with David. I think "Give A [bleep]" seems confusing.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Okay, look, w-we talked about both. I think both of them work.

Jon:
Both of them work. We focus-grouped, guys.

Rob:
No, no, no. "Take a [bleep]" is more logical.

Nicky:
I think "Give a [bleep]" sounds like you're asking me to give you my [bleep].

Jon:
Hey, how about if everyone shuts up? I'm Dog Mayor. I decide what's going on. It's "Give a [bleep]", we made the buttons. Decision's final, got it?

Jay 2:
Yeah, no, I agree, though. That's confusing.

Jon:
JAY, WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE? Shouldn't you be back at the desk?

Jay 2:
I came to support you.

Mayor Executive:
Excuse me. Is that a fake mustache?

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added 3 months ago

[Jon wears a dog vest on inside a russian social club to save Nicky]

Sergei:
Hold your fire!

Jon:
That's right, everybody. Listen to your boss. You're gonna nestra light right now. Nicky, you okay?

Nicky:
[muffled]

Jon:
It's Jon. Everything is a-okay. We are nestra lighting out here. Moving right out here. Nicky, I'm coming.

Sergei:
Nobody shoot.

Yvgeny:
They're so cute!

Pavel:
Are they up for adoption?

Sergei:
Quiet!

Jon:
Nicky, you good? You okay? [takes off the bag and sees Nicky is alright] Everybody, be cool. We're good. There's the door. We're gonna walk out. Nestra light.

Pavel:
Is that a maltese?

Yvgeny:
Look at his ears!

Jon:
Alright, gentlemen, have a good evening. Sergei...it's a real pleasure.

[Jon and Nicky leaves]

Yvgeny:
Someone should remind him to have them spayed and neutered.

Sergei:
[instantly shakes the table] SHUT UP YOU FOOL! IDIOOOT!

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added 3 months ago

Todd Barry:
How do you say "Read 'em and weep" in Russian?

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added 3 months ago

Jon:
I got to say, the most important thing for me is getting a cheddar cheddar bang bang. That is what is on my mind.

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added 3 months ago

Yvgeny's Dad:
DOG KILLERS?!? Never have I felt such a slap in the face on the Mirminsky name! WHY WOULD HE MAKE UP SUCH LIES?!?

Sergei:
I don't know, papa.

Yvgeny's Dad:
I would rather see you killed...than see a single hair harmed on my own precious Siberian huskies.

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added 3 months ago

[Jon calls his Dad]

Jon:
Hey, Dad. Do you have any old photos of me and Ding Dong Football? I'm doing this campaign right now, and it's sort of based on how The Mirminskys killed her.

Jon's Dad:
Jon, The Mirminskys didn't kill Ding Dong Football.

Jon:
What?

Jon's Dad:
I killed her. I hit her with my car. Your mother and I thought it would be easier on you if we just told you it was The Mirminskys.

Jon:
Dad, does anyone else know about this?

Jon's Dad:
No.

Jon:
Keep your [bleep] mouth shut about this, do you understand? You don't tell a [bleep] soul.

Jon's Dad:
What?

Jon:
Shut the [bleep] up about this.

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added 3 months ago

Mighty Joe Jon:
Ding Dong Football -- That is the narrative for your campaign. That's your John McCain P.O.W. angle, huh?

Jon:
McCain -- Yes.

David:
Didn't McCain lose?

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added 3 months ago

[Ryan and Jon start a debate fight]

Ryan:
I'd like to point out that my opponent doesn't even own a dog. How does somebody that doesn't even own a dog expect you to believe that he has what it takes to be Dog Mayor?

Jon:
You know, my opponent likes to point out that I do not own a dog, and yet what he DOESN'T point out is that he bought his token dog just this past week.

Ryan:
Do you even own a dog?

Jon:
...

Ryan:
Do you even own a dog -- Yes or no?

Jon:
No. I do not own a dog. Want to know why? It's because she was gunned down by the mob. Those heartless, gutless, animal-hating Mirminskys killed my dog, which is exactly why you want me to be Bog Mayor, 'cause I'll make sure your dog is safe.

Jon:
Is your dog safe? Is your dog safe, back there? Is your dog safe? What's to stop the mob from killing your dog? Right now. Boom. -- Gun. Boom. Your dog's dead. Machine guns. [imitates machine gun] That's the sound you're gonna hear with this guy in charge. Me -- Your dogs are safe. That's right.

Jon:
Uh, also, real quick, I do want to thank Nicky from Nicky's Grinders. That is home of the 7-foot party sub. [singing] 'Cause with one foot more, the PARTY STILL ROARS! YEAH! RAWR!

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added 3 months ago

Ryan:
May the best man, win.

Jon:
Alright, groom.

Ryan:
What do you mean, groom?

Jon:
You said "May the best man win", right?

Ryan:
Yeah.

Jon:
I'm the best man. You're the groom.

Ryan:
Do you even realize what a phenomenal [bleep] you are?

Jon:
Hey, man, call me whatever you want, but starting next week, you better get used calling me "His royal majesty, The Duke Earl of Dog Mayors".

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added 3 months ago

[after Jon's campaign ad was over, Ryan's campaign ad shows up on TV]

Ryan:
[on TV] Hi. I'm Ryan Anderson.

Kim:
[tired] Oh, my god.

Ryan:
[on TV] And I'm also running for Dog Mayor. I don't have much experience with animals, and I have no political experience whatsover. I'll tell you what else I don't have -- A bounty on my head by the Russian mafia and a ski mask on my face. I paid for 10 more seconds of this commercial. Take that time to think about it.

[Jon, Kim, David, and Mighty Joe Jon were devastated by this ad, except for Jay 2 the Doorman]

Ryan:
[on TV] I'm Ryan Anderson, and I approve this message. [ad ends]

Jay 2:
[claps]

Jon:
Jay, get out!

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added 3 months ago

Jon:
Hey, wake up. We're almost on.

Kim:
Is anyone even gonna see this, honey?

Jon:
If we're up, other people are up.

David:
We're only up 'cause we have to be.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Damn it, David! You know where I was at? I was doing it up at the technical emmy after party. I came here. You can't spend two seconds for your father?

Jon:
Thank you very much. [to David] And stay out of my popcorn.

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added 3 months ago

Jon:
I need to ask you a favor. Uh, I need some time off, and I need to borrow some cash.

Nicky:
Don't say another word. Whatever it is. You're like a son to me. Whatever -- Gambling, drugs, pornography.

Jon:
Yeah, it's for Dog Mayor. I need some money for campaign ads.

Nicky:
Jon, I have to be honest with you. Dog Mayor makes no sense to me.

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added 3 months ago

Jon:
You know, David, when I become Dog Mayor, that is gonna make you first pup.

Kim:
Aww.

Ryan:
Oh, my god. You're running for an office that doesn't exist. No one cares.

Kim:
Ryan, Jon cares.

Jon:
Look, you can be as bitter as you want about your own [bleep] life, but maybe you could also try being a little productive, for a change. Take a break from the complain train. "Look at me! I'm gonna put siding on a house! That's better. That's better than trying to do something positive for dogs".

Ryan:
You're in the Witness Protection Program.

Jon:
Alright.

Ryan:
Alright, you're supposed to be hiding.

Jon:
I can state facts, too. You're an asshole.

Kim:
Oh, Jon.

[Ryan angrily leaves]

Jon:
Oh, here he goes. Here he goes.

Kim:
Ryan.

Ryan:
[to Jon] Fact -- You're a dummy. That's a fact. You're an idiot.

Jon:
Keep walking, friend.

Ryan:
You're a dummy. [leaves]

Jon:
Yep. That's me.

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added 3 months ago

Jon:
It's very similar to handing our free condoms, handing our free needles for aids patients and all that.

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added 3 months ago

Jon:
Cats have catnip. How about some dognip for dogs?

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added 3 months ago

Jon:
Dogs go nuts for gravy.

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added 3 months ago

Rob:
Look, uh, Kim told me about your dog.

Jon:
I'm sorry I yelled at you.

Rob:
Oh, no. Hey, that's alright.

Jon:
[crying] It's not.

Rob:
It's okay. Hey, what was your dog's name?

Jon:
Ding Dong Football. Pretty awesome name for a dog, right?

Rob:
[goes with it] Mm-hmm.

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added 3 months ago

Kim:
You know, Jon actually had a dog. He left it with his parents when he entered the program, and the mob had it assassinated.

Rob:
My god. JON!

Kim:
I can't believe you don't know that. Didn't you read his file?

Rob:
Skipped certain parts of it.

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added 3 months ago

Rob:
You should get a dog.

Jon:
What?

Rob:
You should get a dog.

Jon:
I WILL NEVER GET A DOG! YOU HEAR ME?! EVER! EVER AGAIN! [runs away] NO, I'LL NEVER GET A DOG! [crying] I'LL NEVER GET A DOG!

Rob:
[to Kim] What was that about?

Jon:
EVER! EVER!

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added 3 months ago

Jon:
No hoagie for old men, and that is wide. Makes me feel like Tom Cruise in "Cocktail".

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added 3 months ago

[Jon takes a bite of the Number 31 Sandwich]

Jon:
The crack of crust, coolness of dijon counterbalancing the snap of pepper turkey. The pepper turkey cracking the whip on my taste buds. The oarsmen on the slave ship of my mouth. There it is. Sun-dried tomato, yeah -- The signature ingredient in the number 31. Mmm. Never overpowering. Just enough to remind me of its presence, playing peek-a-boo with the inside of your mouth. Mmm. Peek-a...boo. Peek-a...ooh. Peek-a...yum. Peek-a into my tum.

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added 3 months ago

Jon:
I heard that, uh, Scarlett Johansson is gonna do a cover of her Tom Waits covers.

Kim:
Oh, like a cover of a cover?

Kim:
She's, like, covering herself. Sounds kind of good.

Jon:
I think it sounds kind of interesting.

Kim:
Yeah.

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added 3 months ago

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