Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #78

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 5,730 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Kim:
Jon, I'm breaking up with you.

Jon:
What's that?

Kim:
I said I'm breaking up with you, because I just --

Jon:
What is it?

[Kim's brother arrives out from the bathroom]

Ryan:
She doesn't like your face.

Jon:
What's up, big Ry? How's that bike ride, dude? Give me two.

Ryan:
We didn't even get a chance to go on the bike ride yet. All we've been talking about is how much she hates your face.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

[Yvgeny shoots Fake Jon who is Mark]

Yvgeny:
[to the camera] Teper' menya lyubish', papa? DO YOU LOVE ME NOW? And now I get ready for "Saturday Night Live" audition.

Seth:
TO HELL WITH YOU ALL! [runs away like a coward]

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added 3 months ago

Jon:
Okay, let me see if I can very quickly explain what I'm doing here. My name is Jon, by the way. You are...

Mark:
Mark.

Jon:
Great to meet you. Thank you for coming in the bush. Um, so, I'm in the Witness Protection Program. That's why I'm wearing this mask.

Jon:
He is making jokes to my son to scare him into wearing a motorcycle helmet.

Jon:
You know, it's a place called Nicky's Grinders, and it's, uh, um, it's the best sub shop in New York.

Jon:
The number 17, which is salami...number 33, and it's like -- It's like -- You know, it's a classic caprese. Number 24 -- You got smoked gouda.

Jon:
That's basically why I'm, uh, offering you all that money to put on this mask, go out there for a few hours, and pretend to be me.

Mark:
I mean, a lot of people that would walk into this bush would probably say "No", but...I'm gonna do it, okay? I'm gonna do it, and I'm gonna tell you why.

Mark:
I had my own rollerblade store, but, um, it wasn't cutting the mustard in the happiness department.

Mark:
Now my ex-wife jets off to Cancun every other weekend with her new greek boyfriend.

Mark:
All I have is this pair of rollerblades...and a candy-apple-red dodge durango.

Mark:
I've actually been to Nicky's Grinders. See, I get the number 4.

Mark:
Yeah, so that's why I'll do it. That's why -- Why I'll wear the mask for you and, uh, pretend to be you.

Jon:
Thanks.

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added 3 months ago

Jon:
Hey! Psst!

Mark:
Is someone in there?

Jon:
Yeah. Come here.

Mark:
Why are you filming?

Jon:
Come here. Come in the bush. I'll tell you.

Mark:
Yeah, I don't know.

Jon:
No, no,. I'll give you -- I'll give you $10,000.

Mark:
Oh.

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added 3 months ago

[Jon tries to make a distraction to the guy with the camera he's holding]

Jon:
Is that Rod Stewart?

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added 3 months ago

David:
Dad, can we get something to drink. I'm thirsty.

Jon:
Oh, you're thirsty? Oh, I think I know why. It's because maybe it's hot out and you have a motorcycle helmet on. So maybe you take off the helmet -- Abracadabra -- You're not thirsty anymore.

David:
No, Dad, a branch could fall out of the tree and hit me in the head and give me brain damage.

Jon:
Chris' sense of humor is gonna give you brain damage, okay? He was joking.

David:
No, Dad, he wasn't joking. You just don't like him 'cause he's taking Mom to the Bone Zone.

Mike:
[chuckles] Whoa!

Jon:
[to David] What'd you just say, mouth? What did you just say?

David:
...

Jon:
Alright, I'm gonna need five minutes with my son -- If we could get the cameras off, please? What was that? Don't keep rolling when I ask you to turn the cameras off.

Seth:
Come on. Just give it to us on-camera. It'll be great.

Jon:
F*** you! Mike?

Mike:
Calm down.

Jon:
I am calm! TURN THEM OFF! WHAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?! OFF ASSHOLES! STOP IT! Hey, dick, I'm making the call.

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added 3 months ago

Jon:
Look, funny bones, uh, I need you to do me a fav. Stay out of Dad City for a little while, alright? That's my domain.

Chris:
I don't know. Seems to me like that town's got a population of two nowadays.

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added 3 months ago

Jon:
Uh, what's up with the motorcycle helmet?

Chris:
Uh, well, you know I got a Harley, right?

Jon:
I did not know that.

Chris:
Yeah. I was just telling David how important it is to wear a helmet so I don't crack open my skull if I crash. And, uh...I made a joke that he should wear the helmet 24 hours a day, and I think it scared him a little bit.

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added 3 months ago

Jon:
You know, when you're late every week, you'd think maybe you would decide, "Oh, let's leave earlier this we're so we're not late".

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added 3 months ago

[Jon watches Susan's life movie]

Movie Jon:
You're making a big mistake, Susan -- A big mistake.

Movie Susan:
The only one making a mistake is you, Jon. I'm happy with my life, now that it's a life unmasked.

Movie Jon:
Yeah, well, I'm happy, too! I'm very happy, actually! I've got a girlfriend. I work in a copy shop. I'M AN HONORARY BLACK MAN! MY LIFE IS GREAT! [sadly] My life is great.

Jon:
[sobs]

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added 3 months ago

Kim:
Honey, what are you doing?

Jon:
It's okay. I can't sleep. I'm just gonna watch tv.

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added 3 months ago

David:
[to the golf club members] You know, it's not a coincidence that the balls are white, you know? Put them on a pedestal. We advance the white balls. Think about it.

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added 3 months ago

[Jon hits golfballs while saying one of the celebrity names to be remembered]

Jon:
This is for Fredrick Douglass. This is for Rosa Parks! Jackie Robinson. Thurgood Marshall. Vanessa Williams. The O'Jays. Don Cheadle. This is for Cecil Fielder.

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added 3 months ago

David:
Let's go give these whiteys a half-honorary black eye.

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added 3 months ago

Leslie King:
Tragedy today as the director of a made-for-tv movie about a woman in the Witness Protection Program was accidentally killed on set.

Josh Hamilton:
[distorted] I heard two gunshots, and I thought they were part of the movie, and then Steve just went down. It was really confusing. Oh, I forgot I had this on. [normal voice] This is his voice-chip thing. It's actually really cool. Check it out. [distorted] Ahh.

Leslie King:
The Mirminsky Crime Family has taken credit for the murder, issuing this statement -- "We would like to apologize for the murder of the director of this movie. We weren't even trying to kill him. We were trying to kill Jon, who we now understand was an actor portraying Jon. It was a crazy mix-up worthy of its own hollywood movie, which I guess, it already is, so nevermind. In any case, we found out that the Real Jon is playing at some golf tournament, so we'll go look for him there".

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added 3 months ago

[Susan directs about what Jon's character personality would look like]

Susan:
I think Jon needs to be a little bit more of a jerk. You know, he's really got to come across like a total scumbag.

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added 3 months ago

Black Guy:
What's with the white boy with the ski mask?

Ray:
I want to tell you something about this white boy. Just this afternoon, this white boy did one of the blackest things I've seen in a long time. He stood up to the white man.

Ray:
When confronted about the blackness of his mask and asked to change the color to something of a lighter persuasion, this white boy said no. When told he should reconsider, less he be met with physical harm, this white boy stood his ground, which is why I am proposing that, as of today, this white boy be known to black caddies everywhere as an honorary black man.

Black Guy Club Members:
[applause]

Jon:
Thank you, Ray. Thank you, guys. I'm not gonna let you down. Thank you. [rattling] Yeah, how do you -- How do you guys do this door? Oh, it was open. I got it. See you, guys.

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added 3 months ago

Ray:
Thought you might want to go iron off the tee -- Short fairway.

Jon:
Yeah, I'm actually, uh -- I'm not feeling too good. I'm, uh...I'm gonna call it an early day today.

Ray:
What happened?

Jon:
[thinks about what he did to Ross' clubs few minutes ago] You saw what happened.

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added 3 months ago

[Jon gets in a cart to get revenge on Ross by crashing into Ross' clubs]

Jon:
[to Ross] Oh, my -- You okay, man?

Bill:
What's going on here?

Jon:
You got a real defective cart here.

Ross:
You saw, Bill. Driving miss daisy here just ran over my clubs.

Jon:
Back it up, Jack.

Mike:
[to Ross] Leave him alone.

Jon:
That's 24-hour protection.

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added 3 months ago

[Jon plays golf]

Jon:
F***ing slice. Come on. Turn the hands. Oh, god. Terrible.

Mike:
You should loosen your grip. Think about holding a baby bird. Tight enough so that it can't escape, but not too tight to crush it.

Jon:
[chuckles] Shut up, Mike.

Mike:
Unless it bites you. And then you crush it.

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added 3 months ago

Jon:
[on phone] Hold on a second. They're making a movie about Susan?

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added 3 months ago

[Jon sings a song for the memory of Kim's Hand]

Jon:
[singing] Kim's hand. Kim's hand. Prettiest hand in all the land. Used to be fakin', now it's real again, talking 'bout my lady's hand. [recorder solo]

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added 3 months ago

[as Jon continues his lullaby to the babies, one of the assassin shot Jon's favorite palm hand plaster of Kim]

Jon:
KIM, THEY SHOT THE HAND!

Kim:
Are you okay?! Are you hurt?!

Jon:
THEY SHOT THE HAND! THEY SHOT IT! IT'S GONE! IT'S GONE! IT'S GONE! [crying] IT'S GONE! IT'S GONE! I'm gonna put it together. It's okay. YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY! [sobbing] OH, NO! It's gone. Oh, no! [to the assassin] Why don't you shoot me next time?

Kim:
Stop it.

Jon:
[to the assassin] Shoot me next time!

Kim:
Stop it.

Jon:
OHH, WHY?!

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

Jon:
Hush, hush, little baby. Don't say a word... 'cause Jon's gonna buy you a mockingweird.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 3 months ago

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Name the film "I've seen seambeams glittering in the darkness near Tannhauser Gate"
A The Abyss
B The Big Blue
C Bladerunner
D All Quiet on the Western Front