Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #70

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 5,730 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Mighty Joe Jon:
Well, we had our doubts, but we've actually received a decent amount of calls about the DVD.

Jon:
Awesome. When do I start seeing my money?

Rob:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You mean my money.

Jon:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA, whoa, whoa. What are you talking about?

Rob:
I'm talking about Street Stretch, my idea. I figured you were just helping me get it done.

Jon:
No, we never had a conversation about any of that.

Rob:
Well, we also never had a conversation about you telling me where I could go to the bathroom.

Jon:
Rob, you and I were together when you brought up Street Stretch. I thought it was great, I loved it, I pitched it, I figured it was our idea when I did that.

Rob:
I told you about my Street Stretch idea, which I have had for 12 years.

Jon:
You've been carrying around this idea in your testicles, and you stuck it in my idea vagina, and then I took it, and it came out of me. [raspy] STREET STRETCH! STREET STRETCH! And I gave birth to the idea and made this happen.

Rob:
You touch this idea baby, and I'm gonna sue the [bleep] out of you. It's that simple.

David:
Always get it in writing.

Rob:
He's right.

Jon:
Look, I spent all my savings on this. I bought an RV.

Rob:
Yeah, I know. I was there when you bought it.

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added 2 months ago

Jon:
You know, we're gonna have matching costumes, and we're gonna make a video and the sell DVDs. You know, it's gonna be called Street Stretch.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Okay, wait. So want me to give you a time slot for an informercial, is that it?

Jon:
Please!

Mighty Joe Jon:
I don't know. David, what do you think?

David:
[on phone] Yeah, let me call you back. [hangs up] Um, yeah, I don't know. It doesn't really sound like the type of programming we're focusing on right now.

Jon:
[tired] You didn't want to call me Dad 'cause you wanted to be professional, is that right?

David:
Yeah.

Jon:
Okay. This is me being professional. Shut the [bleep] up. Okay, I don't need a kid telling me about programming, okay?!

Jon:
Okay, now this is me switching to being your Dad. I'm sorry I just yelled at you. I love you. Now please shut the [bleep] up. I'm trying to make money, okay? Okay? Now I'm switching back to being professional. Keep your [bleep] mouth shut and butt out.

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added 2 months ago

Yvgeny:
You know, if I was second choice, that means I'd get part if Scott Wolf got sick. Or worse. [referring to Sergei]

Sergei:
No.

Yvgeny:
Pleeeeease?

Sergei:
No. If you want Scott Wolf dead so badly, you kill him yourself. But you cannot do it. You are not killer, Yvgeny. You would have to become completely different person to do it -- Like acting.

Sergei:
Don't think of bullets as real. Don't think of blood, death -- None of it real. Pretend you are character, like on tv.

Yvgeny:
Like Jay Leno!

Sergei:
Yes, right. Like J-Lo.

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added 2 months ago

Jon:
Maybe I should cancel my gym 'ship.

Kim:
Your what?

Jon:
Gym membership. God, you know what? It's no fun abbreviating if no one else does it.

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added 2 months ago

[after the shoot from Jewish Ghost that Jon played as the janitor]

David:
Hey, man, so, really great. Really great job. Um, I think we got it.

Jon:
Oh, really? Oh, I mean, you know, cool, totes. But, uh, you don't -- Y-you don't need any more takes?

David:
Yeah, no. We're good. Um, actually, y'know, there's something else we were talking about maybe you could do.

Jon:
Oh, yeah. Do some wild lines, right? Maybe me and the wolf man lay it down.

Scott Wolf:
Hey, man! Don't call me that.

David:
Uh, no. I was actuallly more thinking, um, you could, like, mop the floors, like, for real, and, you know, they-they'll pay you, so...

Jon:
Oh.

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added 2 months ago

David:
Hey, Jon, they're ready for you on set.

Jon:
Try "Dad", alright?

David:
I'm just trying to be professional.

Jon:
You can be professional and also call me Dad at the same time, okay?

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added 2 months ago

Yvgeny:
I don't want to do just my show. I want to do other acting, other roles on the network.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Okay.

Yvgeny:
When I was kid, I did lots of theater. I played great russian train robber, Igor Pachenko. [acting] I am Igor Pachenko, the Great Russian Train Robber! Be calm, or I will murder you!

Yvgeny:
See? I want to be taken as serious actor.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Hell yeah, you should be taken as a serious actor. Matter of fact, you know? I just pitched you to be the new lead in Jewish Ghost. Yeah. You lost.

Yvgeny:
Mm.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Yeah, second choice. But you're in the game, dude, huh? Look, I got to roll. I'm on two other calls, but, uh, good meeting, alright, fellas? [leaves]

Mighty Joe Jon:
Hey, Pete, you still there? [bleep] you, dude. [laughs]

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added 2 months ago

Jon:
They're gonna stop paying rent in two weeks, and I guess now we got to figure out what you and David are gonna do.

Susan:
What do you mean?

Jon:
I mean, I don't see how you can possibly afford this place.

Susan:
I don't pay rent.

Jon:
You don't pay rent here?

Susan:
No.

Jon:
What do you mean?

Susan:
What do you me-- The Network paid for it?

Jon:
Excuse me?

Susan:
And I got it in the divorce. I also got the Jaguar. Didn't you go over this with your lawyer?

Jon:
How...How is it that I'm the only budge vic in this whole thing?

Susan:
What's -- What is budge vic?

Jon:
Budge Vic -- A budget victim.

Susan:
Oh, oh, oh.

Jon:
No one else likes to pull a good breev around here?

Susan:
[to his husband, Darren] Oh, he does. He's really good at it, actually.

Darren:
I do do that sometimes. Kitch -- I've said "Kitch", actually.

Susan:
He called me, Suze.

Darren:
Yeah, Suze. I call her Suze. She likes when I breev.

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added 2 months ago

Jon:
Okay, guys. I think we are doing a very good with this budget, but we need to do a few more things. One of which, Rob, no more number twos for you in the apartment.

Rob:
Excuse me? Where am I supposed to go to the bathroom?

Jon:
Not up for discussion at all. Figure it out. Go to the deli or something.

Jon:
Alright, what else? can we do?

Kim:
How about we get rid of the cable? We, like, hardly ever watch tv.

Jon:
Absolutely not. That's where I get my hoops and hocks.

David:
What's hocks?

Jon:
Hocks -- Hockey. I wish I could save money on abbreviations. I'd save a tush-load of cash with some well placed breevs.

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added 2 months ago

Jon:
You know, my parents had a B&B when I was a kid, and if they can make it work, then so can we right?

Kim:
Jon, I had no idea your parents had B&B.

Jon:
Yeah. I worked there till I was 10. Worked my ass off.

Kim:
Okay, nobody's saying you didn't so...

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added 2 months ago

Mighty Joe Jon:
I'm gonna have to revoke your network credit card.

Jon:
Unbelievable!

Mighty Joe Jon:
And I'm gonna need the keys to your Jaguar.

Jon:
I don't have a Jaguar. What are you talking about?

Mighty Joe Jon:
They didn't give you a Jaguar?

Jon:
No.

Mighty Joe Jon:
That's bull [bleep], you were supposed to get a Jaguar.

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added 2 months ago

[Jon uses pencils as drums]

Jon:
Night Moves, Bob Seger.

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added 2 months ago

[Sergei records a video to Jon]

Sergei:
If you are watching this...then you know brother is dead. I would like to have let him live, but I could not have another with your face running around. And now...your mother...is inside me. Now we are brothers!

[Sergei tap dances while dressing up as Lon and laughs evilly]

Jon:
Man, what else is on?

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added 2 months ago

[when Jon throws the ashes out of the urn in his brother's grave, a tape recorder came out]

Jon:
What the [bleep]?

[Jon plays the tap recorder]

Lon:
I'm sorry, bro. I had a feeling you might not want to share Mom and Dad, even thought I'm clearly the son Mom should have kept. Call me when you get this note. We'll make arrangements to get you your half of the ashes back. By the way, I double-checked the records, and I'm the older brother. So frrt you. Lon. [tape ends]

Jon:
[scoffs] Well, I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the chip off the ol' dick.

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added 2 months ago

[Sergei caught Jon's brother from the fake suicide moment on call days ago]

Sergei:
I want you to know you're going to die tonight. [shows a picture] This...my mother. She was whore. Did not want me. MY WHOLE LIFE BEEN A LIE! We share the same pain. I kill your parents to make Jon feel pain. I kidnap you so he feel my pain! And now is time to die.

Lon:
[grunts]

Sergei:
What? You want last word?

Lon:
Mm-hmm.

[Sergei takes off tape from Lon's mouth]

Lon:
YOU'RE WRONG! YOU'RE WRONG! WE DON'T SHARE THE SAME PAIN! My Mom flipped a coin. That's how she ended up with the asshole brother that I have. I know how you're feeling, and you do not need to feel bad or sad or angry or whatever it is you feel, because you...are...loved! THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS THAT YOU HAVE PARENTS! YOU HAVE A FAMILY! YOU HAVE A BROTHER WHO LOVES YOU AND WANTS YOU! I NEVER HAD THAT! YOU ARE LOVED!

Sergei:
[voice breaking] I AM NOT!

Lon:
Sergei...you are loved, Sergei. You are loved.

Sergei:
[screams]

Lon:
Yes, you are loved.

Sergei:
[cries then transitions into an evil laugh]

Lon:
It's okay, Sergei. It's okay.

Sergei:
Thank you. [evil laugh] I feel better. [shoots Lon]

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added 2 months ago

[as Jon was about to run to Maine with the the parents' ashes for Lon]

Jon:
You know, I -- I can't bring Lon back. But I can honor his legacy by taking lemons...and making Lon-monade.

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added 2 months ago

[Jon makes a promise to his brother's request]

Kim:
What are you doing?

Jon:
What I should have done a long time ago. [brings out his tap shoes] I'm gonna tap his ash on home.

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added 2 months ago

[after Jon heard that his brother suicided himself]

Jon:
What is wrong with me?

Kim:
Jon.

Jon:
No, Kim, you're right. You were right. I may have been such a selfish asshole...but I'm gonna let that selfishness be in vain.

Kim:
Don't you mean you're gonna make sure Lon's death wasn't in vain?

Jon:
That's not what I meant, but you're right.

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added 2 months ago

Kim:
You know, I just -- I cannot believe you wouldn't share the ashes with Lon. I mean, you guys spent this really emotional week together. You could have at least thought about it.

Jon:
Yeah, you know what? My parents, my ashes. Oh, and my bull's eye! Boom! My bull's! You know, like, "My bad". "My bull's"!

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added 2 months ago

[while the russian social club playing poker]

Pavel:
Hey. Wake up. It's your turn.

Sergei:
I'm sorry. Papa sent me a letter with photo of real mother.

Yvgeny:
What's that, Sergei? I only understand Mirminsky. [laughs]

Pavel:
Just open it, Sergei.

Sergei:
[to Yvgeny] You open.

Yvgeny:
Okay.

[Yvgeny reads their Dad's note to Sergei]

Yvgeny:
My son, your real mother...was whore. My good friend Vladimir...had sex with her many times. He die shortly after you were born. I felt bad for whore and take child. You are not blood, no...but to me you will always be...a real Mirminsky. Papa.

Yvgeny:
Here is a photo of your whore mother.

[Sergei sees a photo of her mother]

Sergei:
What? So I'm not real Mirminsky. So what?! PLAY CARDS!

[Sergei angrily leaves]

Todd Barry:
So, I guess I should just take over as these chips' new mommy.

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added 2 months ago

Lon:
Before I go, there is something serious that I wanted to ask you.

Jon:
Oh, okay.

Lon:
I would really like to bring some -- Not all, but some -- Of Mom and Dad's ashes home with me. It would mean so much to me.

Jon:
Oh.

Lon:
Yeah.

Jon:
Um...wow. [chuckles] I think you got to slow down a little bit, baby bro. I know that'd your Mom and Dad in there, but it takes a little more than a week of hanging out and smashing watermelons to become someone's son.

Lon:
Are you serious?

Jon:
Lon, I don't know what to tell you, man. This is like Rob asking me for ashes.

Lon:
It's nothing like Rob asking you.

Jon:
Yeah, you know what? You're right. It is nothing like Rob, because Rob actually knew my parents, and he actually spent time with them. So you know what? If he asked me for some of the ashes, I'd probably give him some. I'm just telling it how it is. Okay, I'm the older brother. This is my call. My call.

Lon:
[grunts and hisses]

Lon:
Do you know what? I wish I never knew that I had a brother!

Jon:
Yeah, okay. Tap your ass back to Maine! Go on!

[Lon leaves]

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added 2 months ago

Yvgeny's Dad:
So Jon...has twin? Very interesting.

Sergei:
Do we kill him? Or leave him be? I cannot stand thought of other person with Jon's face running around.

Yvgeny:
I could kill the brother.

Sergei:
YOU COULD NOT KILL A FLY! ONLY REAL MEN GET TO KILL!

Yvgeny's Dad:
Okay, Sergei.

Sergei:
[to his brother] I don't even know if you're a real man. I don't even know if you're a real Mirminsky.

Yvgeny's Dad:
Enough, Sergei. Don't worry, Yvgeny.

Sergei:
That's right, Yvgeny, I just tease.

Yvgeny's Dad:
[to Sergei] It is you who is not real Mirminsky.

Sergei:
[surprised] What?

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added 2 months ago

[after Lon gives tap shoes to all of Jon's crew members, Jon starts to feel concerned]

Lon:
What is it? What's wrong?

Jon:
You know, just...Mom was, uh -- Mom was really into dance. And, uh, you know, she always wanted me to get into it. I thought it was for fairies. I had no interest. Now you show up, and you're -- You're into dance. You -- You tap. You have your own tap school. It's like she gave away the wrong son.

Lon:
Wait, wait, wait. Whoa.

David:
Dad...

Jon:
She keeps you, she has the tapping son she always wanted. And I get to go kill Saddam Hussein.

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added 2 months ago

[Jon meet his brother for the first time]

Lon:
It's such a joyful moment to meet you. I'm -- I'm moved beyond words.

Jon:
So, what do we do now?

Lon:
I don't know. Should I take my pants off? Were you gonna put some pants on.

[Jon realizes he forgot to wear pants after looking for his sweats]

All:
[laughter]

Jon:
[happily] I forgot!

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added 2 months ago

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