Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #71

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 6,896 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Stroker:
Pfft. FPI. Please. Who do they think they're fooling? This is obviously an alien prison.

Khan'Ja:
They have captured and tortured many of my people.

Stroker:
Well, you guys kind of started it with the anal probing.

Khan'Ja:
That was Ferngor.

Stroker:
How about crop circles?

Khan'Ja:
No.

Stroker:
Cattle mutilations?

Khan'Ja:
That's just rednecks.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[meanwhile Hoop still acting another scene while being an old angry business man]

Freddy:
Calm down. Go get something to eat.

Hoop:
It's too early! It's 11:00!

Freddy:
Then go to brunch.

Hoop:
Give me those contracts!

Freddy:
Go to brunch. Merv, go to brunch!

Hoop:
I don't like brunch!

Freddy:
WILL YOU GO TO BRUNCH? GO TO BRUNCH GO...TO...BRUNCH!

Hoop:
Stop repeating that!

Freddy:
Will you go to brunch? Go to...oh. Line.

Teacher Director:
[whispered] Go to brunch. Go to [bleep] brunch, you [bleep].

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Khan'Ja:
There's something I need to tell you. I haven't been totally honest. We are planning to takeover Earth, Stroker!

C.A.R.R.:
Oh, my god.

Stroker:
What?

Khan'Ja:
The invasion starts in a few days. I wanted my communicator to signal them they should make you King of the Earthlings, but without it...

Stroker:
They're going to treat me like a common earth creature!

Khan'Ja:
I'm afraid so.

Stroker:
We've got to get your communicator back. I bet the FBI will take it to Area 51.

Khan'Ja:
No. Area 51 is just a decoy. The real place they keep UFOs is Area 52, and real agency isn't the FBI; it's the FPI.

Stroker:
Now I know why those bozos didn't let me into their fake academy!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[the hazmat crew steals Stroker's stuff about the aliens]

Khan'Ja:
They've got the communicator.

C.A.R.R.:
And Stroker's porn.

Stroker:
What? They're taking all my shoes?

Khan'Ja:
Your government must have tracked us down satellite photos.

Stroker:
Keep driving, C.A.R.R. It's not safe here.

C.A.R.R.:
Look! They cleaned out the garage. It looks huge.

Khan'Ja:
What will we do now?

Stroker:
There's nothing I can do. I'll have to give Steve his money back and pretend it was some kind of practical joke, like the time I got his girlfriend pregnant.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Khan'Ja:
Here is an English to Sapphirean phrasebook. I want to practice so when I return to Earth I can express my feelings better.

Stroker:
My pleasure.

Khan'Ja:
How do you pronounce this one?

Stroker:
What are your specials? Do you recommend the chicken?

Khan'Ja:
Oh, hold on. I want to record your voice so I can practice the pronunciations. Can you say this one?

Stroker:
"Goodbye. I'll miss you".

Khan'Ja:
Mmm.

Stroker:
"Where does this road lead to? I'm lost".

Khan'Ja:
[moans]

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Khan'Ja:
How'd it go?

Stroker:
Great. We cashed out Steve's 401K and moved it to a Cayman Islands Bank right over the computer. Got the account numbers and the passwords right here. So, what do you say we go and get your communicator and let's go Sapphire shopping?

Khan'Ja:
Stroker, you -- You are being so kind, rescuing me from the crash, renting me "Alf" DVDs, robbing your brother.

Stroker:
No, I -- I didn't rob him. It's a loan.

Khan'Ja:
It's ok. I know you had to steal the money for me because you have two little penis.

Stroker:
What?

Khan'Ja:
You have two little penis. Just in the ashtray there.

Stroker:
[sees his ashtray of pennies] Oh, [laughs] No, pennies.

Khan'Ja:
Penis.

Stroker:
"Pennies".

Khan'Ja:
Penis.

Stroker:
You know what, just say "Money".

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

C.A.R.R.:
Hey, Khan'Ja, how come female aliens are always so hot?

Khan'Ja:
Pardon me?

C.A.R.R.:
Oh, don't tell me you're not working it with the tight clothes and the thigh boots.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Leia:
Dad, there's a homeless man in our yard.

Stroker:
Hey! It's Uncle Stroker! [laughs] Hey, lookee here. I gotta a little, uh, little dollie, for, uh, for your kid here.

Steve:
Oh, what are you doing here?

Stroker:
Heh! What? You said I should stop by some Saturday afternoon so we could catch up and grill some steaks.

Steve:
That was 3 years ago.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Hoop disguised as a old business man]

Hoop:
Freddy, you got my Linoleum contracts?

Freddy:
Your Linoleum contracts?

Hoop:
The contracts.

Freddy:
Your contracts?

Hoop:
That's what I [bleep] said, the Kuperman Contracts! Are you deaf?

Freddy:
Yes, in one ear.

Hoop:
Oh. [stands close in Freddy's non-deaf ear] Give me the [bleep] Kuperman Contracts.

Freddy:
All you did was show them the pattern books.

Hoop:
That's all I did, huh? All I did was show them the books?

Freddy:
They were walking out the door when I saw them. I made that sale.

Hoop:
You ungrateful [bleep]. You child! I was signing contracts for Linoleum when you were learning to crawl on it. [pulls up a gun]

Freddy:
You think you can threaten me?

Hoop:
You think you can cast me aside? Walk all over me like an old shag runner?

[Freddy shoots Hoop]

Hoop:
So this is how it ends, huh? Dead on a carpet. Sunset Beige. Our plush-cut line. I know the patterns, Freddy, but I never found the pattern of my life. I never found it. [dies]

[the act ends]

Teacher Director:
Wonderful. Wonderful. It says here you played Hedda the Lead Cheerleader in "Crisis at the Car Wash" and Julio the Crippled Pimp in "The Death of a Cell Phone".

Hoop:
They're not plays. Those are cases where I acted undercover. I'm a detective.

Teacher Director:
Hoop, you bring a street-smart quality we could really use. You're hired!

Hoop:
Oh, my god! A part in a David Mamet play? It'll be so nice to hone my craft without getting shot at.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Hoop:
Ready for the Sanchez string?

Stroker:
Uh... [clears throat] I'm not feeling well. Um, do without me.

Hoop:
What? You never let me do anything on my own before. Are you watching "Alf"? When did you start liking "Alf"?

Stroker:
I don't like "Alf". I hate "Alf". I was watching something else, and it came on.

Hoop:
That's strange.

Stroker:
What.

Hoop:
There's an "Alf" DVD cover in your hand.

Stroker:
So I'm a closet "Alf" fan. What's the big deal?

Hoop:
Are those painkillers?

Stroker:
Uh, yeah. I pulled my calf muscle jogging.

Hoop:
JOGGING! ALF?! I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU ANYMORE!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Khan'Ja:
Pain from the crash. I need medicine. Do you have any?

Stroker:
Hold on. [brings back pills] These are left over from my back surgery. They're expired but not too expired.

Khan'Ja:
Your earth medicines are not strong enough. I need more.

Stroker:
Khan'Ja, too many of those things will make you high as a kite.

[Stroker's flashback intensifies where Stroker tried these pills before]

Stroker:
So I go out to drain the snake, and all of a sudden, it feels like I'm pissing thumbtacks. Kidney stones, my ass. More like kidney shards of glass.

Stroker:
Two chicks, uh-huh. I may not look injured, but all the sandwiching bruised up my insides pretty good.

Stroker:
No. You know what's really suspicious? Doctors who violate their hippocratic oath. Not me, and certainly not my bullfighting injury, asshole!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Khan'Ja:
My name is Khan'Ja. I come from the Planet Sapphirea. I only want to return home.

Stroker:
Are you sure? Uh, plenty of clean air and water.

Khan'Ja:
I will call for help with my communicator. [speaks alien language] The Felingukushar Crystal is broken.

Stroker:
Felingukushar Crystal?

Khan'Ja:
[searches her language book] You call it a Sapphire. About so big. Me, I pick one up from your yard.

Stroker:
I don't have a giant Sapphire. They're very rare and expensive on Earth.

Khan'Ja:
Where are all the Sapphires? Oh! Perhaps we can sell some of your dirt and buy one!

Stroker:
[laughs] You aliens are so advanced yet so stupid sometimes.

Khan'Ja:
If you help me, I will return with a shipful of Sapphires as your reward.

Stroker:
Deal. And I'll even throw in some free dirt.

[as Stroker was about shake her hand, Khan'Ja didn't know what gesture what Stroke was doing]

Stroker:
Oh, uh, on Earth to seal a deal, we do what is call a handshake.

Khan'Ja:
What is a handshake?

Stroker:
Oh, duh, did I say handshake? I meant handjob.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Stroker:
[points the gun at Khan'Ja] Are you an advanced race of aliens looking for a new home planet?

Khan'Ja:
No.

Stroker:
Because if you're planning to enslave the human race, I can help, but only if you make me King of the Earthlings.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Stroker tries to fix or do something with Khan'Ja's bra]

Stroker:
[grunts] Damned alien bra.

Khan'Ja:
[wakes up]

Stroker:
Oh, um, sorry. I was just trying to make you more comfortable. Oh, hell, you don't know English? Uh, I wanted to see what green boobs looked like. [laughs]

Khan'Ja:
I know English.

Stroker:
Oh.

Khan'Ja:
What is boobs?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Stroker:
Damn it, it feels good to work up a sweat. What are we on, Mile 5?

C.A.R.R.:
Beer 5. Mile 1.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[after Santa killed the ghosts, Stroker and Hoop return back at Stroker's house where its Christmas Day morning]

Hoop:
What the hell just happened?

Stroker:
Where the hell's my lottery ticket?

Hoop:
Oh, my god. You broke up the lottery ring.

Stroker:
It's got to be here somewhere.

Hoop:
No, in this iteration of reality, you never won the lottery.

Stroker:
Oh, my god. No! No, JER -- JERMANE! JERMANE, COME BACK! I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL LET SANTA DIE THIS TIME! NO! PLEASE, NO!

Hoop:
Stroker, Stroker, look! There's a -- There's a gift here from Santa for ya.

[Stroker reads Santa's note]

Santa:
[narrating] Dear Stroker, thank you for saving Christmas. By now, you know your winning lottery ticket is gone. Hopefully, this gift will help to compensate. Merry Christmas! Santa.

Stroker:
Ha ha! Good old Santa. [opens the gift] SOCKS? That ungrateful son of a b*tch! I saved his ass!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Hoop:
Should we let them go, Stroke? It is Christmas after all.

Stroker:
We can't. They'll just time-travel their way out of it. Christmas Past can easily go back 40 years and make it so we were never born. There's only one choice.

Santa:
Oh, ho, let me do the honors!

[Stroker gives the gun to Santa]

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Come on, now, come on, give me the gun Santa Claus. You ain't got--

[Santa shoot the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future]

Santa:
HO, HO, HO, YEAH! MERRY CHRISTMAS! HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW, HUH? YOU CAN'T TRICK ST. NICK, MOTHER! [shoots a few rounds] HO, YOU LIKE THAT? WELL, WHY DON'T YOU SUCK ON IT? HERE'S TWO FOR YOU.

Hoop:
SANTA!

Santa:
AND HERE'S ANOTHER!

Hoop:
SANTA, GIVE ME THE GUN!

Santa:
Please, sir, may I have some more, YOU BETCHA!

Hoop:
SANTA, THEY'RE DEAD! THAT'S ENOUGH! SANTA, CAN YOU JUST HEAR ME? SANTA! THAT'S ENOUGH! They're dead!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Santa:
I wasn't getting suspicious!

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Then why the hell did you invite us over to dinner at the North Pole? You never had us over before.

Santa:
Mrs. Claus thought it was rude not to!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Stroker and Hoop went back in time to travel back earlier where Santa was dead after that car crash to save Santa]

Santa:
I forgive her for sleeping with... [dies]

[Stroker grabs Santa out of the car]

C.A.R.R.:
Stroker? Hoop? Santa is dead.

Stroker:
Not for long.

[Stroker jab Santa with the antidote to bring him back to life]

Santa:
TONY ORLANDO! What the hell is going on?

Hoop:
We just traveled back in time with this antidote to save you.

Santa:
Well, pull it out of me, man! Why didn't you travel back to before I was poisoned and save me 12 hours of vomiting blood?

Hoop:
[to Stroker] You want to field that one?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Stroker:
[still pointing the gun at GCF] Now get me the Ghost of Christmas Present and Ghost of Jermane Washington.

Hoop:
The same Jermane Washington who used to be your partner?

Ghost of Christmas Past:
--Till somebody let me get shot.

Hoop:
[to Stroker] You said he left to mentor inner-city High School kids.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
He said what?

Hoop:
Hey, Jermane, how much did he pay you?

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Coroner Rick:
I'll extract Santa's brain and liver matter, develop an antidote, and meet you back here in exactly 30 years.

Hoop:
Can we make it 15? I'm concerned about your high blood pressure!

Coroner Rick:
Sure thing, Hoopy!

Stroker:
[to GCF] Take us ahead 15 years.

[GCF opens a portal to 15 years to the future where Coroner Rick finally finished making the antidote for Santa]

Old Coroner Rick:
Stroker! Hoop!

Hoop:
Where the hell are we?

Old Coroner Rick:
They tore down down the old mall 10 years ago and built a huge new Grizzle Bazzle store.

Stroker:
What the hell is Grizzle Bazzle?

Old Coroner Rick:
Oh, I'm too old to understand it, but the kids love it. Here's your antidote, fellas. Be sure to jab Santa straight through the heart. And good luck.

Hoop:
Thanks, Coroner Rick.

Old Coroner Rick:
Oh! Oh, and fellas, fellas, when you go back, could you tell my former self to stop using sheepskin condoms?

Stroker:
Um, ok.

Old Coroner Rick:
Thanks, guys.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[Stroker, Hoop and GCF carries Santa to Coroner Rick's office]

Stroker:
What a fatass.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Ghost of Christmas Future:
Well, Stroker, I hope you learned a valuable lesson tonight.

Stroker:
Yes, I did. Thank you. No more Peppermint Schnapps in the hot tub. It causes hallucinations. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to take a siesta before the appres-ski parties tonight.

Ghost of Christmas Future:
Have fun in hell, asshole!

Stroker:
You, too, buddy.

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[C.A.R.R. does his first job of giving gifts for the family]

C.A.R.R.:
[laughs] Merry Christmas. Santa sends his best. There's a sack in the back with presents for Sarah, Bobby, and Mr. Mrs. Jones.

Sarah:
Wow! Thanks!

Mr. Jones:
All I see are presents for Pablo and Juanita.

C.A.R.R.:
[to the reindeers] Damn it! You idiots loaded up the South American bags for the North American trip. Bad reindeer. Bad reindeer!

Mr. Jones:
Oh, wait! Maybe they're in here.

C.A.R.R.:
No, no, no. No, no, not that bag! Not that...

[as Mr. Jones was still searching for their presents, a sick Santa appeared out of the trunk]

Sarah:
Santa... [crying]

Mr. Jones:
[to Sarah] Get in the house now! Damn it, Sarah! I said, get in the house!

Stroker and Hoop  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

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