Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #72

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104 — There are currently 5,730 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Comedian #1: You're not from around here, are you? Well, if I were you, I wouldn't go anywhere near...the lesbian bookstore. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Yvgeny: Nobody gets me, except you, vodka. Nobody thinks I'm funny. [puppeting his vodka] I think you're funny, Yvgeny. [normal voice] I need something fresh. I need fresh vodka routine. [vomits] Yvgeny: [puppeting his vodka] I'm your only friend! [crying] I'm sorry! I'm sorry. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Jon: Sweetie, The Mirminskys -- They aborted your dream. I'm gonna perform a late-term abortion on Yvgeny's comedy career. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Jon: Baby, maybe you need to take a break from that pizza, huh? Don't forget, they're pro-life. Kim: I don't really care anymore. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
[Jon disguises himself using a paper bag to mess up Yvgeny's comedy act] Yvgeny: I'm trying out some new jokes for the Big Cheesie Toppers Pizza Comedy Contest. If I had it my way, I'd rather it was the Big Vodka Toppers Comedy Competition! Audience: [laughter] Jon (as Unknown Heckler): Terrible! Not funny. Yvgeny: Uh, what's going on? Jon (as Unknown Heckler): Uh, what's going on is that you're not funny. That's what. Audience: [laughter] Yvgeny: Okay. Somebody get this guy...a vodka. Audience: [laughter] Jon (as Unknown Heckler): [forced laugh] Ah ha ha ha ha! Wow. Here's my impression of you -- "Blah blah blah, vodka. Blah blah blah blah, vodka", all of it not funny. Todd Barry: Alrighty. Let's hear it for Yvgeny Mirminsky, everyone, Yvgeny Mirminsky. That was his time, anyway. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
[Kim packs up her store due to the people wearing tortilla hats killed] Jon: Kim, I'm sorry, you know? I feel like this is all my fault. It's like six degrees of Jon-peration up in this biotch. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
[after Greg tells Kim that one of the people that worn tortilla hats from Kim's store were killed] Jon: [to Kim] I'm sorry, sweetie. Maybe we should revisit the idea of my jeans nook. You know, close the store. We'll put a mini door next to the nook. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Kim: So I...hope it's not awkward between us since I passed on your jeans. Jon: No way. Are you crazy? You actually did me a humongous favor by passing, so I owe you a thank you. Kim: Wow. Jon: Yeah, made me realize I should focus on my jingles. Check it out. [Jon gives Kim a card] Jon: JJ Jingles. [singing] If you need a jingle, give JJ a ringle, JJ Jingles. Frrt! – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Kim: What's happening? Jon: Starting a line of jeans. Kim: Oh. Jon: It's called JJ Jeans. Mighty Joe Jon, should I hit her with the jingle? Mighty Joe Jon: Hit her with the jingle, Jon. Jon: [singing] JJ Jeans, yeah, you know what I mean. Kim: Great. What does "JJ" stand for? Jon: Jon's Jeans. Kim: Wouldn't that make it "Jon's Jeans Jeans"? Jon: No. I mean, yes. It's Jon's -- It's JJ Jeans, but it just stands for Jon's Jeans. Kim: Right, but if "JJ", like you're saying, it stands for "Jon's Jeans" and then is called JJ Jeans, that does make it "Jon's Jeans Jeans". Mighty Joe Jon: That's the same thing I thought too. Jon: It's regardless! – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Jon: So, I mean, I just feel like this particular pattern -- It's a nice two-tone denim. It would look good for a boot cut, do a cargo pocket on it, two on one side, one on the other, maybe a red denim for the car-- – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
[Yvgeny and Sergei celebrates their Dad's birthday] Yvgeny's Dad: I never see birthday pizza before! Sergei: Is Cheesie Toppers Pizza, papa. Yvgeny's Dad: Thank you for present, Sergei. Sergei: I knew you would like, papa. Yvgeny: Now open this one! [Yvgeny's Dad opens the present and found one mitten] Yvgeny's Dad: Where is other one? Yvgeny: Is potato vodka cozy! Yvgeny's Dad: Where you find such thing? Yvgeny: Jon's girlfriend Kim open new store. I also couldn't resist this. Isabelle wears one. It helps Guatemalan families! Sergei: Guatemalan familes. I don't care if it helps RUSSIAN FAMILIES! YOU SHOP AT THIS STORE! DISRESPECT TO PAPA! – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Jon: I had Danielle set up a meeting. I wanted to run some exciting business opportunities by you. And, um, I want to talk to you about changing the name of the store to Kim's Krafts as seen in Delocated!. You know, since all of this is basically happening because of my show. Kim: Yeah, I'm not changing the name of the store, but thank you. Jon: Alright, yeah. Whatever. That's fine. Um...I just figured the guy that loaned you the money for the store would have maybe a little more say in how things are run. But it's cool. Kim: Jon, you know what? You insisted that you weren't gonna make things weird between us because of the loan. So I just find this really unfair. Jon: I'm not making anything weird. I'm being professional, okay? I set up a meeting, okay? The only thing weird here is, like, this -- This stuff and all this -- This thing. Like, this? This is weird, this hat. [puts the weird hat on his head] – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Kim: Jon, can you please not be eating every time you come in here? Or at least wait until your lunch break like everybody else does. Jon: Sorry. Don't open your store down the street from a cheesie toppers pizza next time, okay? Best New York slice. Kim: The owners of that store are pro-life. So you buying a slice is actually supporting people who murder abortion doctors. Jon: Well, any feminazis get a taste of this sauce, they might not care so much. Might taste them straight. Kim: Why do feminazis have to be gay? Jon: Pretty much a given. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Jimmy Fallon: My wife keeps hounding me about these new tortilla hats, saying, "Get me a tortilla hat! I want a tortilla hat". I'm like, "Hey, when are they gonna make a tortilla muzzle"? – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Kim: 5% of the profits go to a Guatemalan family that the store sponsors. That's Miguel. [shows her a pictures of a kid Miguel] Isabelle: Oh, he's adorable. Jon: [spanish accent] He's my brother! – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Jon: Nice jeans. Isabelle: Uh...I'm not wearing jeans. Jon: I know. I'm talking about for when you are wearing jeans. My jeans. They're gonna be selling jeans right over here. Starting up a nook pretty soon. You should come back and check it out. See, they're not even so much jeans, they're JEAANS. Want some JEAANS? – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Jon (as Sergei): Now what do I do? Rob: You just focus on the task at hand, alright? Jon (as Sergei): I want you to know I didn't fire my gun when everyone killed the DJ. Rob: That's good. Jon (as Sergei): But I have to admit it was a real rush. I didn't realize it till after I threw up that I had a boner. Rob: [chuckles] It's your first kill boner. Rob: Listen, when all this is over, you and me, we're gonna lay out on the peak of friendship mountain and we're gonna talk about kill boners all day long. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
[as Jon (as Sergei) kills the DJ to make sure he stays in touch with the russian group and finding the information about them] Jon (as Sergei): [to DJ] Sorry about this, man. Nothing personal. Great set tonight. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Yvgeny: Sergei... Jon (as Sergei): [russian accent] What? Yvgeny: You really think I'm a cool guy? Jon (as Sergei): Yes. Of course. Yvgeny: Thank you. [voice breaking] Thank you so much. Really means a lot. Jon (as Sergei): I have to go to the bathroom. Yvgeny: HE THINKS I'M A COOL GUY! [crying] – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
[Jon (as Sergei) goes deep undercover going into the russian's social club's base] Jon (as Sergei): [russian accent] Hey, cool guy, let's speak English! Aye! Russian Social Club Members: HEY! Jon (as Sergei): I just want to keep practicing my English for when I'm a decoy. [american accent] Uh, yeah. I can go down the street and get some toilet paper for Jon. Yvgeny: I don't think any of us thought we'd ever see the day when Sergei would settle down. But you can't do much better than the youngest daughter of King Abdullah Bin Abdul Aziz Al-Haseem if you're going to take the plunge and get married. [cuts to the next scene where Jon's crew are in the van hiding outside of the russian's club] Rob: Holy mother [bleep]. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
[as Jon (as Sergei) kisses Kim] Jon (as Sergei): I almost creamed again. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
[David And Kim play Scrabble] David: Meatus. Kim: What is a Meatus? David: It's, uh... – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
Rob: Jon, this is a two-way micro transmitter. This will allow us to stay in constant contact with you and also hear everything that you're hearing at all times. Jon (as Sergei): [american accent] [singing] Ber-ner-ner. Face/Off was a movie, now it's my life, ber-ner-ner, I'm ready to do this. BER! – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago
[Jon finally becomes Sergei after the face surgery succeeded] English Teacher: Say "I will spoon-feed Jon his own balls". And use your Russian accent. Jon (as Sergei): [russian accent] I will spoon-feed Jon in his own balls. – Delocated Movie Quote	added 3 months ago

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