Timothyj.29104's Quotes Page #85

Here's the list of quotes submitted by timothyj.29104  —  There are currently 6,105 quotes total — keep up the great work!

[Greg sees Rob wearing a Good Guy Club Member jacket]

Greg DiPietro:
What the [bleep] are you wearing?

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Jon:
Oh, my god.

Kim:
What?

Jon:
I've got a ton of texts from Susan asking me to call her. I guess someone's still cuckoo for Jonny Puffs.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

[after the Good Guys members annoy Susan with the doo-wops]

Jon:
[on his phone] Uh-oh. It's Susan! Voice mail! [laughs]

Jon:
Now, uh, where were we?

Jeff:
[imitating Susan] Hey! Shut the [bleep] up!

Chris:
She looked crazy, man.

Jon:
[on his phone] Whoa, Susan call number 2.

Chris:
OH, NO!

Jon:
Take it easy, Madonna. No one's desperately seeking Susan.

All:
[laughter]

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added 4 months ago

[meanwhile at the Good Guys Club]

Chris:
I can't believe you kissed her.

Jon:
Hey, look, I know. I'm sorry. Okay? It was a moment of weakness.

Chris:
You're supposed to call one of us before something like that happens.

Rob:
Hey, hey. Cut the guy a break, okay? We all know how sexual and alluring Susan can be. That could've happened to any one of us.

Rob:
I wish it'd happened to me.

Jeff:
Me too.

Matt:
Me too.

Jon:
...Me too.

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added 4 months ago

Jon:
You want me to be the one to break the news to Darren that Jonny's back?

Susan:
Mmm...

Jon:
That was a pretty powerful speech, huh?

Susan:
Actually, the whole thing kind a-of sickened me.

[Darren comes back with the vase of flowers]

Jon:
Susan and I made out last night.

Darren:
Yeah, I know. It was the first thing she told me when I got home. Talking about it sickened her. I cleaned up her puke. But what I'm wondering is, did you tell your girlfriend?

Jon:
You can't tell me what to do, man. You don't own me. I'm not your slave, racist. Bet if this guy had a time machine, he wouldn't go back and kill Hitler. He'd just go back and get more slaves. Yeah, I'm right. Look at that. You can tell.

Susan:
It is very clear to me that this sweet, sweet man is the one. And that's why last night, um...I proposed to him after he cleaned up my barf.

Darren:
And I accepted.

Jon:
ROB!

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added 4 months ago

David:
Guys, what you're trying to is really transparent and annoying.

Susan:
Oh, no, sweetie. What was annoying was your father constantly working, and then he became emotionally detached.

Jon:
You know what, Susan? [bleep] you for not appreciating the life that I worked my ass off to give you.

Susan:
The life of incessant boredom? The part where there was absolutely no interest in the bedroom, lack of interest completely --

Jon:
Oh, there was plenty of interest in the bedroom -- On my part.

Susan:
Okay.

Jon:
On my part, okay?

Susan:
Right.

Jon:
I'm not the one who wouldn't spank your lady chicken.

Susan:
OH!

David:
Are you serious?

Susan:
THANK YOU FOR BRINGING THAT UP. How dare you?

Jon:
What? How dare I what? These kids are old enough to hear about lady chickens.

Susan:
Jon, that's enough.

Jon:
It's enough?

Susan:
It's enough.

Jon:
Really? Like it was enough for you to bang every single guy in the secret service who came your way? I'm sure you let them spank your lady chicken.

[Susan goes upstairs]

Jon:
[to David and Tatiana] This your future, by the way, if you two stay together. [heads to Susan upstairs]

Tatiana:
What is a lady's chicken?

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added 4 months ago

[Jon and Rob check to see if his son skipped another class until he was just meeting his girlfriend]

Jon:
Oh, man. I thought he was, like, meeting up with some stoner kids or something, or, like, some hippies or religious freaks. Man! Whew! Thank god.

Rob:
Just a young man doing what comes natural.

Jon:
Well, let's just hope he doesn't get his heart broken. His cherry, on the other hand, good riddance. [laughs]

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added 4 months ago

Jon:
First order of business of the day is Susan's new boyfriend. Of course, you all know who I'm talking about -- Darren Kelly.

Jeff:
Good guy?

Rob:
Good guy. Real good guy.

Jon:
Solid guy. I was just at Susan's recently, and I got to witness firsthand how he has been completely blinded by her charms. [sighs] Like we all were.

Chris:
Hey, hey, come on. If Susan could see us now, she'd see a roomful of good guys. If she knew about the Good Guys Club, it'd drive her crazy.

Rob:
You know what really drives Susan crazy? Doo-wop.

Matt:
Ugh, tell me about it.

Jeff:
Really.

Rob:
Oh, yeah, yeah. I bought her tickets to Sha Na Na, she told me to wipe my ass with them. I didn't of course.

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added 4 months ago

Rob:
You know I meant it when I said that you were a good guy. I mean, we're both good guys, right?

Jon:
Of course we are. Susan always makes us feel otherwise.

Rob:
I know all the other agents who came before me -- They're all good guys.

[Jon stops]

Rob:
What?

Jon:
I bet they all feel the same way we do.

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added 4 months ago

Jon:
Hey, you know what? You could get a gay martian robot for a federal agent. It doesn't matter.

Susan:
What are you talking about?

Jon:
I'm talking about Darren moving in and you getting a chick federal agent. That's what I'm talking about. We all know you're gonna dump him.

Susan:
[scoffs] You're just jealous.

Jon:
Susan, the only one around here who's jealous is a-you, my dear, okay? It's a-you. I'm buddies with one of your ex-boyfriends, and it could not be driving you more a-cuckoo-a-crazy.

Susan:
Well, of course you're buddies. All of my discarded pieces of garbage have something in common.

Rob:
What's so weird about me and Jon being friends? Y'know, a lot of the nasty things you said about him aren't true. Anyway, my point is, overall, Jon's a good guy. And I'm a good guy... [to Darren] No matter what you're telling him.

Susan:
The only thing I'm telling Darren is to come upstairs and make sweet love to me as soon as you guys leave.

Gail:
Awkward!

Jon:
[laughs] Gail, out of the park!

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Darren:
Susan will be right down with the last of your things.

Rob:
I could have gone upstairs and got it. I don't know why she has to bother.

Darren:
She didn't really want you to our bedroom.

Jon:
Aaaawkwaard! [laugh] Eech.

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added 4 months ago

Jon:
How was school?

David:
Fine.

Jon:
Alright. Classes good?

David:
Yeah.

Jon:
Awesome, man. You want to do, like, a father/son rap session -- Talk about school and stuff?

David:
No.

Jon:
You sure?

David:
Yeah.

Jon:
Oh, man, that's funny, 'cause your teacher told me you're skipping school.

David:
Oh, my god. Fine. I skipped a few classes to get lunch with some friends. Chill. Are you happy now? Really, relax. It's not a big deal.

Jon:
That's all it was?

David:
What a crime. Call the principal.

Jon:
Okay, I-I get it.

David:
Send me to prison.

Jon:
I get it! Relax. Excuse me for trying to be a cool, involved dad.

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added 4 months ago

Ms. Lloyd:
Oh, hey, Jon. I didn't know you were coming by today.

Jon:
Oh, yeah, thought I'd surprised David with a little Dad pick-up.

Ms. Lloyd:
Actually, I needed to talk to you, so...

Jon:
Oh, uh, well, Ms. Lloyd, I am flattered, but I don't really think it's appropriate for us to bang bods.

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added 4 months ago

Sergei:
THREE CHEERS FOR IGOR PACHENKO, THE GREAT RUSSIAN TRAIN ROBBER! HIP HIP HOORAY! HIP HIP HOORAY! HIP HIP HOORAY! [laughs]

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Mighty Joe Jon:
Knock, knock, bitch! Did you tell your Dad that Delocated got the Jewish Ghost budget?

David:
No, I made up a story about an RV company buying him out. I wanted him to think that he came up with the solution to his problems -- You know, make the star of the show happy.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Impressive. Maybe someday I'll give you a raise.

David:
Or maybe someday I'll take your job. [chuckles]

Mighty Joe Jon:
...Or maybe someday you'll be fired.

David:
Someday as in today?

Mighty Joe Jon:
Yep. Right now. Bye-bye, bitch!

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added 4 months ago

[David sees Jon as a homeless person after his RV got towed]

David:
Dad.

Jon:
[slurring] W-What's that? We got caramelized onions in the fridge.

Jon:
I'm homeless, David. Your Dad is homeless.

David:
My Dad is wasted.

Jon:
What, I can still do a Jewish Ghost cameo. OOOOOOY VEY!

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added 4 months ago

[Sergei founds Scott Wolf in the restroom]

Scott Wolf:
Why are you doing this?! Please don't kill me.

Sergei:
Oh, I'm not going to kill you. He is.

[Yvgeny arrives dressing up as Igor Pachenko with his theme music]

Yvgeny (as Igor Pachenko):
I am Igor Pachenko, the Great Russian Train Robber! Stop this train at once!

Scott Wolf:
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Did Mighty Joe Jon put you up to this? Is this a joke?

Yvgeny (as Igor Pachenko):
I never joke about robbing trains.

Sergei:
FINISH HIM, IGOR PACHENKO!

[Yvgeny uses a long silk sheet to choke Scott Wolf to death]

Yvgeny:
And scene.

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added 4 months ago

Jon:
Welcome to the Street Stretch B&B. I'm your host, Jon. This is, uh, Rob with the bags. Everything okay?

Husband Steinberg:
Your website didn't mention anything about the B&B being in an RV.

Jon:
Uh, yes. That was intentional, uh, because, as we all know, uh...people that like B&Bs are all about the vench -- The, uh -- The adventure.

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added 4 months ago

Jon:
[maine accent] Say, there, welcome to the B&B. How about some cherry pie, there? Have a slice?

Rob:
Sounds a little irish, I think.

Jon:
No, that's Maine.

Rob:
Maine?

Jon:
[maine accent] Some cherry -- Taste you real nice, there. Say, there.

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added 4 months ago

David:
Look, Jon. I was gonna shoot you and e-mail about this, but...you got to start paying your rent next week or you're getting kicked out of your apartment. Dad, you already have a place to stay, and it's all paid for.

Jon:
Thank you, David. At least there's somebody around here that understands that I'm the one that should be living in the sweet loft.

David:
I-I meant the RV.

[MJJ takes a picture of Jon's anger face]

Mighty Joe Jon:
That's going on Facebook.

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added 4 months ago

Mighty Joe Jon:
Well, we had our doubts, but we've actually received a decent amount of calls about the DVD.

Jon:
Awesome. When do I start seeing my money?

Rob:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You mean my money.

Jon:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA, whoa, whoa. What are you talking about?

Rob:
I'm talking about Street Stretch, my idea. I figured you were just helping me get it done.

Jon:
No, we never had a conversation about any of that.

Rob:
Well, we also never had a conversation about you telling me where I could go to the bathroom.

Jon:
Rob, you and I were together when you brought up Street Stretch. I thought it was great, I loved it, I pitched it, I figured it was our idea when I did that.

Rob:
I told you about my Street Stretch idea, which I have had for 12 years.

Jon:
You've been carrying around this idea in your testicles, and you stuck it in my idea vagina, and then I took it, and it came out of me. [raspy] STREET STRETCH! STREET STRETCH! And I gave birth to the idea and made this happen.

Rob:
You touch this idea baby, and I'm gonna sue the [bleep] out of you. It's that simple.

David:
Always get it in writing.

Rob:
He's right.

Jon:
Look, I spent all my savings on this. I bought an RV.

Rob:
Yeah, I know. I was there when you bought it.

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added 4 months ago

Jon:
You know, we're gonna have matching costumes, and we're gonna make a video and the sell DVDs. You know, it's gonna be called Street Stretch.

Mighty Joe Jon:
Okay, wait. So want me to give you a time slot for an informercial, is that it?

Jon:
Please!

Mighty Joe Jon:
I don't know. David, what do you think?

David:
[on phone] Yeah, let me call you back. [hangs up] Um, yeah, I don't know. It doesn't really sound like the type of programming we're focusing on right now.

Jon:
[tired] You didn't want to call me Dad 'cause you wanted to be professional, is that right?

David:
Yeah.

Jon:
Okay. This is me being professional. Shut the [bleep] up. Okay, I don't need a kid telling me about programming, okay?!

Jon:
Okay, now this is me switching to being your Dad. I'm sorry I just yelled at you. I love you. Now please shut the [bleep] up. I'm trying to make money, okay? Okay? Now I'm switching back to being professional. Keep your [bleep] mouth shut and butt out.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

Yvgeny:
You know, if I was second choice, that means I'd get part if Scott Wolf got sick. Or worse. [referring to Sergei]

Sergei:
No.

Yvgeny:
Pleeeeease?

Sergei:
No. If you want Scott Wolf dead so badly, you kill him yourself. But you cannot do it. You are not killer, Yvgeny. You would have to become completely different person to do it -- Like acting.

Sergei:
Don't think of bullets as real. Don't think of blood, death -- None of it real. Pretend you are character, like on tv.

Yvgeny:
Like Jay Leno!

Sergei:
Yes, right. Like J-Lo.

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added 4 months ago

Jon:
Maybe I should cancel my gym 'ship.

Kim:
Your what?

Jon:
Gym membership. God, you know what? It's no fun abbreviating if no one else does it.

Delocated  Movie Quote

added 4 months ago

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